Chapter 1: Male Specimen
It was a Sonny afternoon in the suburbs of California, and Milton David Krupnick was alone in his room. He ran his fingers through his hair, already stiffening from sweat, and sat down on his bed. His duvet, who’s pattern depicted a plethora of different magic themed items, was once a source of prepubescent titillation. However now it just seemed embarrassing to Milton. For years now he had begged his parents to buy him a new quilt, but his dad, Mr. Krupnick, would never have it. Milton was still in his Karate gi. Typically students changed out of it after practice, but the way the stiff yet lose fabric rubbed against his gaunt pale body aroused a sense of confidence in him.
“Tomorrow’s the big day…” Milton thought to himself untying his greenbelt and throwing it across the room. Usually, he was more deliberate when putting his things away, but he couldn’t stop thinking about tomorrow's tournament. It wasn’t a normal karate match. The tournament was being sponsored by Hollywood Center Studios and the winning team would get to star in an episode of the hit TV show MacKenzie Falls. Jack Brewer, Milton’s highly advanced teammate, was a diehard MacKenzie fan. Though Milton didn’t watch TV, the fear of Jack’s disappointment made his knees quake. Jack was a total chad and an unquestionable Alpha Male and Milton knew this all too well. Jack’s unmatched abilities in martial arts? His skills with the ladies? The way every lock of his flowing mane danced across his soft olive skin?? His ass??? Jack had established dominance from the moment that he first walked up to Milton’s lunch table. From that point on Milton faced constant emasculation from Jack. While this often made Milton jealous of Jack’s manliness, he didn’t entirely dislike it. Milton, who was now stripped down to nothing but his knee-high socks and white boxer briefs, nervously sighed and locked his door. Grabbing his cat ears and laptop, he slid on the maid costume and reluctantly turned on his webcam.
End of Chapter 1!
Chapter 2: Unscripted Dialog
Sonny Munroe and Tawni Hart, two actresses on the TV comedy show So Random!, were just Kickin’ It alone in their dressing room. Reading through their most recent script, Tawni looked up and said, “I’m worried about Zora.”
Shaken at the fact that Tawni was expressing concern for someone other than herself, Sonny responded, “₩h¥? !$ $0m£th!n9 ₩r0n9 ₩!th h£r?” Sonny paused for a second before adding “₩£11 6£$!d£$ th£ 06v!0u$...” Tawni walked over to her makeup stand and grabbed her bedazzled wallet and a small brown baggy before walking back over to Sonny.
“She’s just so fucking… intense” Tawni said as she started looking through her wallet. “She’s like an aggressive monkey hopped up on testosterone injections.”
Sonny opened and dumped out the brown baggy onto the table before saying, “¥£4h…”
“Yesterday someone accidentally cut her inline and she later ran him over with the golf cart,” Tawni commented stopping only to hand Sonny her credit card. “I mean she has the social skills of a tampon. I just feel bad because she’s so unlikable and is probably going to die alone.” Though Sonny wanted to tell Tawni how mean that was to say, Sonny's nose was already on the table rapidly inhaling the cocaine.
Just then there was a rumble from the ceiling as Zora came crashing out of the air vents. “You bitches!” Zora screamed, seething with anger. Sonny bolted up, a trail of white powder following her through the air. Worried that Zora might cry Sonny started to apologize but before she could finish Zora hit her over the head with a chair and ran out of the dressing room.
As the cocaine fell around her, Tawni sat shocked. She turned to Sonny’s now limp body and said “At least I don’t have to hear that annoying cunts voice anymore,” before grabbing back her credit card.
The End of Chapter 2
Chapter 3: Locker Room Talk
Milton woke up in a sweaty panic. He let out a “GAHHHH!!” realizing that he had peed the bed again. Luckily his yellow plastic under-sheet had kept it from ruining his mattress. Unluckily though, he was late to his karate tournament, and Jack would likely punish him again. He didn’t have time to shower. Quickly throwing on a sweater vest and the shortest pair of shorts he could find he blindly shoved his outfit into his duffle-bag before dashing to the tournament.
Everyone was crowded into the Seaford California Strip Mall’s Bobby Wasabi Martial Arts Dojo Academy’s Dojo located in the Seaford California Strip Mall. The tournament had already begun. Milton ran inside trying to draw as little attention as possible. Milton noted that he didn’t see Jack and for a moment thought he might get away without being punished after all. Milton walked up to Kim and asked: “Where’s Jack?”
Kim responded, “Girls can do Karate too!” Milton's face turned whiter than it already was. He knew exactly what that meant.
“Is he mad?” Milton asked tentatively.
Kim confirmed Milton’s suspicion by screaming “Girl Power!” and performing a high kick in the air.
Finally, Milton asked, “Where is he now?” Already knowing the answer.
Kim pointed to the back locker room and said, “Girls rule and boys drool!” It looked like Milton wasn’t getting out punishment free after all. Ever since Rudy got arrested for child p⚆rn⚆graphy Jack had been running the dojo with an iron fist, and Milton new exactly where Jack intended to stick it. Milton walked past Eddie, who was currently getting the shit beaten out of him, and headed towards the locker room. Sure enough when Milton walked in Jack was sitting there waiting. Jack’s powerful Alpha Male musk hit Milton’s beta nostrils, instantly overpowering his own sent of urine.
“H-hey, Jack…” Milton said meekly. Hoping his friend would take pity on him. Jack, glaring at Milton, said nothing. Milton already stripping said, “I know ‘assume the position.’” And Jack smiled.
Kim had won her match when Jack walked back out. He winked at a group of girls watching him from the bleachers. They all came instantly.
Back in the locker room, Milton laid motionless staring at the ceiling. He had always thought that Jack could pass as a 3rd sibling in The Naked Brothers Band, yet ironically it always seemed to be Milton who was “Naked” when it came to Jack. He'd be lying if he said part of him didn't enjoy it but it was in moments like this, lying naked in the dojo locker room where Milton started to feel truly alone. Milton got up and put on his Karate gi. He was determined to make Jack proud and help win this tournament. He was NOT going to disappoint him again.
The End of Chapter 3
Chapter 4: Revenge is a Dish Best Served a la Mode
The rain was falling through the sky like an anvil in an old-timey cartoon about blue ostriches and coyotes. Tawni Hart and the two comic relief characters nobody remembers were all standing around Sonny's casket. Sonny’s mom was crying and Chad Dillon Cooper was touching her boobs. (He can do that because he’s smooth). Walking past the casket Tawni took the podium. Without making eye contact with anyone, she opened her mouth and said: “Hamburger Helper. Sleeping bag. Zoo. Tim ate a button. Alakazoo. Daddy-o-Five. Mommy said no. Stuck in the 90's, and suck on my toe.”
Little did she know that those exact words were actually a satanic summoning spell. Sonny's body started to twitch in her casket. Sonny’s mom, who was currently on the receiving end of a Chad Dillon Cooper lap dance, started to projectile vomit. This did not deter Chad Dillon Cooper. Tawni, concerned at the fact that her deceased cast-mate was now rotating faster than a paperclip on a Tesla coil, grabbed Sonny’s casket. But as soon as her spindly nicotine-stained fingers made contact with the wooden frame, a clawed hand violently ripped through Sonny's chest and grabbed Tawni’s wrist. (Sonny’s casket is made of wood because her mom didn’t want to pay for a nicer one.)
Before Tawni could react, long flesh-like appendages wrapped around the entirety of her arm and pulled her into the now gaping chest cavity. Screaming, Tawni desperately tried to crawl away, but no matter how much she scraped and clawed at the flesh arms it was no use. Like the jaw of a horny lion, Sonny’s ribcage snapped close severing Tawni’s head clean off. Sonny’s body made a terrible gurgling sound, likely from digesting Tawni’s lower half. Suddenly her ribcage reopened, and for the few moments following nothing happened. Slowly an arm started to emerge erect and covered in bracelets. This was followed by an elbow and a shoulder. Then, as if jumping on a tube of Colgate toothpaste, Zora’s head popped out of Sonny's torso. After completely emerging out of the now overly stretched cavity, Zora smiled a wicked grin and said, “Oh, did I do that?” And everyone began screaming and clawing their eyes out.
End of Chapter 4
Chapter 5: Kony 2012
The van was crowded and everyone was trying to ignore Jerry’s erection. Kim and Jack were both in the front passenger side seat, Jerry and Milton were in the back and Eddie was strapped on top. Milton was trying to quietly look out the window until they arrived at Hollywood Center Studios but was having trouble. Jack, looking back, was making continuous eye contact with the side of Milton’s head. When Milton finally looked over he saw that Kim and Jack were both shirtless and intensely making out. Jack didn’t stop staring at Milton. Milton knew it was a power play. Jack didn’t actually like Kim. He was just showing Milton the pleasures he would never have. This made Milton angry, but he couldn’t do anything about it and Jack knew it.
When they finally got there Jerry untied Eddie from the roof and Kim told the group that “Girls go to college to get more knowledge!” Just then Chad Dillon Cooper walked up and told everyone to bring their stuff inside. Jack was starstruck. He had always admired Chad Dillon Cooper as a fellow Alpha Male, however, Milton was more putt off by Chad Dillon Cooper’s lack of eyes. Eddie was about to remark to Chad Dillon Cooper that his eyes look like they have been scratched out, but before he could, Jack karate chopped him in the nuts.
“Don’t EVER speak to a man like Chad Dillon Cooper in that way again!” Jack commanded to Eddie. The rest of the group followed Chad Dillon Cooper, leaving Eddie alone to cry on the ground. Once inside, the Mackenzie Falls director, M. Night Shyamalan, handed out the scripts that the group would need to memorize.
End of Chapter 5