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Long Nightmares and Short Dreams

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I used to tell myself that everything that happened after 2am was just a fever dream, or my exhaustion getting to me, but I knew the truth in every single sense of the word. I was a traitor. This was filthy, nothing was like what I was told about before. Nothing like the mixed matched fantasies that I was given in the beginning, the promises and closeness that was somewhat agreed upon. Not onIy was I sitting out at a bar surrounded with people who could easily kill me, they probably have the conviction to as well. The only two I could really relax with were the newcomers Dabi and Twice, all newly inspired by Stain’s actions against heroes, the same heroes I’ve sworn to protect and kill at the expense of my life. I took both oaths, I wonder which one I’ll follow tomorrow, or the day after that, or the day after that.
But, oath or not, the scene that greeted me was filthy on multiple levels. There were mismatched pieces of corpse mixed an oily goop. Grease, I took note, then looked up at the horrified faces, we were all pretty shaken. Well, except for Toga who looked like she was one drop of blood away from climaxing. Twice went visibly catatonic behind his eyes and Dabi looked surprised, “Who would actually have the balls to try us like this,” he whispered, keeping his cool with a shifting expression. “Sure, I’ve done worse but, last time I checked nobody actually has the stomach for something like this outside of the League,”
“It was an inside job,” Twice made a melodramatic expression, his hidden eyes shifting from the corpse back at Toga, “Maybe it was a hero,” his voice jumped an octave, his position dragging itself down into a much more somber slouch. He has been through a lot. I believe he has the best out of all of us really, he’s always so friendly and cutesy, even when faced with an adverse challenge to stay in control. He always pulls through for the punchline. And Twice was always in it for the friends to be honest, thats all they’ve ever wanted. He is still pretty nonsensical, however. Sometimes the one to cut to the point and sometimes the one to sacrifice for a laugh. He barely ever cracks from his two points. There was just this one time. One time I saw him crying, it wasn’t much, just him going catatonic again, and for once I understood him clearly. He just wanted to be safe, he wanted to have a family again, he didn’t want to be treated as a monster. And I could understand that more than anyone here could ever. Nor anyone at UA. It made me happy I guess that there was more to this fever dream of an operation or more to the fever dream of a fantastic friendship. It was an obvious reason for everything that would be coming next. The rude awakening, the final reveal that everything that’s been happening wasn’t a dream, it was a nightmare that only pulled me closer to the Earth and wasn’t afraid to drag me through hell.
That was when I started to think about what it truly meant to be a hero or what it meant for one to oppose that ideology entirely. I wasn’t the best at making decisions for myself mostly explaining everything that has brought me into this mess. Faced with a beat up corpse, at a bar, surrounded by murderers that I call friends. I felt as if a breeze pushed through my body.
“Somebody else, huh?” I asked. I guess I kinda had the weakest stomach here. I wanted to throw up everything that was left in my stomach. The copious amounts of alcohol used to drain out my frustration and the cold rushing up and down my back every time their vocal tone shifted. The only one I truly had gotten used to was Twice’s change,
his shift from dramatic and bellowing the exact opposite. “What would that even mean to us?” I asked with a winding off voice. Getting quieter by the second. The chill down his spine returned as he looked back down at the body.
“If its not us then we could be under fire within a little bit.” Kirishima’s teeth clacked together in an uncomfortable grit. One of his sharp molars piercing his check. Seething in a dark fashion, the villains looked over at each other in relative silence. Even the most, loud pair, Toga and Twice, were nothing but white noise.
Then, Dabi’s scratchy voice spoke up, “It, won’t matter after the twentieth, by then we can all rest easy. And get the hell out of here,” His demeanor was a bit off to me. He looked at me in an almost knowing way, sending chills down my spine for absolutely no reason. None, there has to be something wrong with the cold air I assume. That’s the only thing that can be true about it. Not some new plan. His work would be done. That was what was agreed upon by the get-go, nothing more or less. That I knew for fact. Dabi meant that was the end of our meeting. The end of our contract completely. The end for everything that I wished to let go for so long. Gone before I would ever have to deal with it again. The piece of the puzzle that was always missing. It would finally be complete. It brought an emotion to me, nothing big, I’ve stopped feeling anything major since the USJ attack, but something much more mangled. Satisfaction, strict cunningness, the thought that I was twenty days away from seeing my nightmare disappear within thin air brought a deep feeling. Something someone like Dabi or Twice could ever understand, mania. The adrenaline that made my hands shake and my checks bleed from my grinding teeth. I would get to leave, become a hero, and still leave with enough money to line my pockets. Fuck All Might, fuck Aizawa. There was a point to doing this, this high, this feeling. Satisfaction, something short that was always wedged in between my dragging feelings of uncomfortable anxiety and dejected self deprecation. My nightmare was over, and when I wake up it will be gone and I’ll have the satisfaction of a hero. I no longer recall the people I’ve seen dead or the ones I swear to have killed. All I will remember is the diploma I’ll receive and the day I rise in the ranks.
The feeling that I’ve never felt was going to be my downfall. But if only I had known that in the beginning. If only, I had woken up earlier. Before the worst part had began.
“Let’s go, kids, nothing to see here,” Twice grabbed the back of my collar, snapping me out of my thoughts. Twice placed me back on my feet and went back to grab Toga. He looked almost too somber. Odd, in a way. As we were being pushed out of the door Twice turned, “Dabi?” He sounded unsure. Dabi was standing over the body, glazed look in his eyes. “Please, let’s go home,” the home he was referring to was where all four of us lived together. Dabi turned around, teary eyed as well,
“Yeah, lets,” he voice was soft as a pillow, yet so cold. “I’m getting tired,” looking back over at him. It was obvious that the body we found was important. But, it wasn’t like the two of us were going to ask, we were nothing but children in this situation. We quietly looked over at Twice again, his hands moving up over his scars, a small smirk showing up.
“Yeah, yeah, that’s fine, Dabi…. But, we have to bring the little runts home as well.” His arm went back to grip scratch the back of his neck. A wink twinkling at Dabi. As if they were hiding something. Pushing away the need to blush, I grabbed Toga’s hand and started to walk towards the car. She was biting her lip, fangs almost cutting into her lips.
“Stop that, you’re gonna cut into your lips.” She dramatically lifted her teeth from her lips.
“How do you know that?” She questioned.
“Ahhhh.” I opened my mouth to show off my sharp teeth. “Remember? Hurts like hell when you end up biting tongue,” an odd smile spreading on me. Hopping to lift her spirits. “Ya, know, you need to stop stressing.”
“I don’t know Chompy,” she said lightly, “but, it doesn’t matter anyways,” she quietly whispered.
“It’s just that there’s something that may happen, something that might ruin all of this,” Toga began to bite her lip again. The doors slammed to Twice and Dabi’s stressed expressions. Dabi looking distressed and Twice had his mask on again. Moving over to the car where we were.
We didn’t get into the car, we just looked at one another. Chill running down our backs. The two of us watching the form of Twice, his hands were shaking. Fear, it was felt from every bone in his body. “We’re going,” Dabi barked.
But,” Toga began,
“We’re leaving, now,” Twice shut her up. She made a pout, although it slowly disappeared when she saw the two’s expression. She sighed and opened the door to the car. Scooting herself in with a harsh huff. I winced and went in after her. Softly closing the door in order to compensate. Red with embarrassment, I waited for Dabi to get in the driver’s seat and Twice in as a passenger. The two doors slammed behind them as they began to leave. The car ride was silent, no jokes from Twice, or blabber from Himeko. It was all silent, creeping on the others, chilling me to the bone. I took a breath, attempting not to shiver. It took about twenty minutes to get “home”.

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Our home was a small apartment, but we abandoned it a long ago. It was cold, and the marble counters were coated in dust. Waiting for a minute, the four of us sighed. Me and Toga, walked straight forward. I sat down on the couch. Elbows resting on my knees. Breathing in slowly. Twice and Dabi lived in another building, so they looked over at us. Twice taking off his mask once again to give us a pitiful smile. The door closing softly. The main reason the two of us were roommate was defection. Shigiraki knew we were easily swayed. They attempted to stop me from leaving by pairing me up with her. Little did they know that I wasn’t scared of her. Nor was I all that distracted by her either, we were Fang dudes. So I din’t really care at all in the first place.
I wanted to say something, to cry, to tell her how I felt. She was my friend, the only one I truly had. Didn’t that make me defective? Make me a problem to be removed?
“Why? Whats the point?” My voice cracked, the words slipping out a little too loudly.
“Well, let me say something to make you feel better, bud,” She didn’t seem too disheartened by the events of today. In fact she was overjoyed. But, it seemed like she understood that I wasn’t taking it so well. “You remind me of a maiden, sometimes all you need is a bit of love. And I’m sure on the twentieth you’ll get your wish. I assure you.” Toga’s wild eyes looked over a me. She wasn’t joking, or making a sarcastic statement, she was being honest. A rosy blush over her checks. It make Kirishima think a little bit. Toga wasn’t into me, that was a given, and neither was I, for different reasons. She must’ve been in it for the drama. It twisted in my stomach for a while, not being able to conjure up an answer to what was said. My mouth was dry and my thoughts were already hazy. The things that I ended up doing at 2am were always like this. A blurring melting pot of confusion. I looked up a Toga, her rosy face still staring up at me.
“It’s a secret Kirishima, one you’ll surely love,” She giggled like a school girl, “Hm, yes a young prince in love, searching for the one to make him happy,” Toga added onto the gossip. Her knowing smile went from girl talk to unsettling glee. The think about Himeko is that she isn’t interested in anything of the mundane variety. I put my face back down. Standing up to leave, huffing out. Moving out to my room. Pushing away from Toga, I needed to lie down, it wasn’t like I was going to sleep but, I just needed a second. Slowly closing the door behind me. I resisted the urge to collapse and cry right there. My feet becoming heavier and heavier as I walked into my bed. I took about ten for me to curl up into a ball until I passed out within a few seconds.
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I woke up at 5am. To Toga’s feral screaming. After all my time with the league, I became much more used to random sounds at night. It didn’t feel the same, she sounded scared, almost in pain. My phone was blinking with texts.
Don’t move
It was from Dabi. I froze, my heart beating in my chest.
“Ah! You piece of shit!” Glass broke.
“Fuck.” I whispered. Holding onto the ground, I crawled towards the door. Creaking it open. Toga was fending someone off. A large hulking shadow. She didn’t have much of a choice really. If she slowed down for even a minute she would obviously be dead. I sucked in a breath. The darkness shrouded the intruders figure. I watched for about a second. Praying for her to run, run somewhere. The man that was attacking her wasn’t a hero. That much was guaranteed. The way they continued to make their punches not taking even a second to consider pulling any. Toga, began to fight even harder. Tears in her eyes, he slammed her into the cabinet. He heard a crack. Ribs, he thought as his only companion in the league fell. She looked up, her rosy blush gone. He wanted to help her, he needed to. He was too terrified. Shaking, watching her eyes lose light. The hulking form stood over her. It’s fists curling in on itself, it made a disgusting sound, then that was the end. He kept punching and punching and punching, all the way until there was nothing left. Her body parts were mangled. Her abdomen’s side depressed in on itself where it punched her. Bruising darkening the of her body. She wasn’t breathing, it wasn’t as if there was much of the lungs left. It hunkered down, watching her for a horrible few minutes. His head lolling side to side as if to capture each and every angle of her. I didn’t move. I couldn’t. Fear had taken a hold of my body. I didn’t even make a single sob as tears fell down my face. One after the other like a barrage. My eyes couldn’t close. Not even for a second. Maybe I’m already hysterical. But even if I willed my eyes to close they were glued on the scene. It poked her side again, its infectious laugh was pushing into my brain, making my head hurt. I wanted to laugh. That was the sickening part, not Toga, not this figure, my laughter piecing through the air as I howled. Toga was dead.
My legs wouldn’t work anymore so I tumbled through the door. I didn’t stop howling in sadistic satisfaction. I wouldn’t be laughing if I was afraid of death. But the tears running down my face wouldn’t be there if I wasn’t afraid for Toga. The tears of sadness started to change as they shifted into something much more like self pity. I was so fucked. Both my body and my mind had betrayed me just like I had betrayed everyone else.
“What a shameful bastard am I?” I howled, “My brain to fucked up to even respond to this, that must mean I’m crazy right?” My howling continued well into my chest, I couldn’t breath. But, I couldn’t stop either. My eyes, along with my gripping of the last few seconds of my sanity let go as they closed. Maybe I was never going to wake up. It wasn’t like this was the first time something like this has happened. This happened every night after three am. I’m not surprised.
“Toga, Toga please, please wake up!” That’s what I remember saying, the words I ended up screaming as I shook her body. I was asleep the person that was shaking her wasn’t me. It was “morning” Kirishima. He was awake when I was asleep just as much as how when he went to sleep I would come awake. The words I was saying were not my own. I knew Toga was dead, and so did he. But, his, no, my, faultless hero personality had pushed him to scream and cry over her. He was supposed to be a hero and a villain, and when your life is built around that I guess life is made to fall apart. We both knew that the shit we were getting into was not possible to keep up long. When you live twice the life you get twice the sorrows. Jin told me that. I never really understood how he developed his two sides until a few months ago. The two parts of me weren’t really split, we were just faking it for as long as we could. One day I was evil, the next I was the class angel. I guess the things we are supposed to be told really do pan out the way they say, just in a twisted version of it.
I was scared, scared the laughing would start again. What would they think, what would anyone think after this? I was trying so hard to stay together. I didn’t feel like laughing anymore. I just waited here. Of course it was a school day but I didn’t care anymore. I sat there. Feeling very quiet. A small smirk became more apparent. I wanted to shake her again. But, I stopped myself, my hands shaking, pulling my own arms away. My head hurt, as if it was going to explode. Pulling the sobs back into my chest was only increasing the pressure. My head lolled to the side, breathing heavily. Disgusting, that’s the only way I would describe this. Went to wipe my face. But when my face touched my hands I gagged. My hands were slick with blood. Toga’s blood. The urge to scream began to edge in at a panicking rate. There, I finally started to scream. I my arms were to weak to move and my legs refused to move. The sound in my chest escaping with an unbearable heat.

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The moments passed by as Toga’s last remaining embers of light started to slip away. Her dead body finally taking her final stages until there was nothing left of her. She was wasting away. That I knew, but to see her begin to waste away after the damage was done had ripped away any clear sense of knowing what could come next for us. See, I used the word us, damn it, I must be going insane. My lip was bleeding, I still didn’t care anymore. Peeling my moist body off of the ground. I began to clean up, this wasn’t the first time I had to clean up a body, I didn’t really matter who it was anymore. Her… Soul was gone. That was all that mattered, not the body, but that no matter how we could look at this, Toga is gone. The pressure in my head began to alleviate at the thought. Pushing the remainder of my hesitation away. Preparing myself for finishing up the body. I opened up the cabinets and grabbed a few garbage bags. The next few minutes weren’t significant. I didn’t feel anything, just the weight on my arms as the bits and pieces of her body. When I finished I didn’t even feel my face other than pins and needles. My lips began to twitch. Once it was all sorted into the bags the only part, was… The head. She looked like a mannequin. Devoid of any expression or the like. I picked it up from the ground. I made sure the cut was clean. I didn’t want to ruin her anymore. This was the only thing that was left perfect. The only part of Toga that looked as beautiful as she used to be.
I looked up at her bruised skull. Her jaw slack, and her bright eyes had no control over themselves, sliding from place to place. I looked her in the eye. “Why you,” I spat. “If all else was going wrong,” I sucked in another breath, “Why was it you that ended up dying,” my voice didn’t crack, my face apathetic and my fist clenched. “I should’ve died,” I sighed, “It would be the only thing that I would enjoy,” My eyes looked more dead than Himeko’s. At least hers had fight left in them. A wave of burning anger and a push to survive. Even if it was just a little bit.
Dabi was the first one to enter the room. His face nothing but a grimace. His eyes dark, scouring the room. His head didn’t move, his lips were trembling. He noticed that the room looked spotless.
“Good,” His voice was trembling too, “You handled it,” he tried his best not to cry, his eyes sparkled in an ugly way. It disgusted me. The way he was this close to crying. While I was stone cold. I wanted him to get angry, to burn down this damned apartment, to be cold, to do anything but that. I hated it. He could have done anything else. Not that… She was dead, not in pain. Never even close to it. Everything that she was suffering with is gone. That’s what she is, gone. I didn’t know how to take the slanted praise. I held in my breath. Looked up at him and left. He made a ‘come here’ gesture. I followed him outside the door. We walked down the spotless hall coated in yellow light. Everything was too clean, it made me uncomfortable. It shouldn’t be that way. I didn’t quiver, I just continued down the hall. I slid my head up tiredly, peering up at Dabi’s face. His scars were stretched tightly as he made an awful grimace.
The remainders of my thoughts were all in disarray as I began to twitch once again. I was falling apart again. A chill ran down my back once again. I didn’t know why. The walls were closing in, with their over clean surfaces, and the yellow light that gave me a migraine. It felt as if they were angry. I was insane. Absolutely insane, the walls weren’t closing in, neither were the lights swinging around. The walls weren’t over clean, they were normal, normal, normal, normal, walls. I didn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe it at all.
I kept up my head. The floor was blurring. I knew that they were not tears blurring my vision. I couldn’t see straight. Then the pain came. I collapsed on the floor. My head was flooding with the pain. Dabi stood over me. His hand closed upon itself. Gripping and flexing his hand. He stayed silent. His dark hair sticking to the sweat on his face. His hand shook in his grip. I tried hard not to look up into his eyes. My stomach started to hurt. Nausea flicking over my eyes blurring the world again. A burst of heat consuming my body. I needed to vomit, my eyes felt weak as I couldn’t move them. They lolled about as I tried my hardest to focus on something, anything. The too yellow walls were crushing me now. I couldn’t see Dabi anymore or anything for that matter. Everything decided to go black.

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I stopped thinking for a little. I couldn’t hear what they were telling him. Their voices are distorted, everything sped up. The will to move myself forward arm couldn’t move any farther. I could only watch my body go through the motions. I washed my body off, going through my darkening hair. The red was fading, but I wasn’t going to spend my time staring at myself. I didn’t want to anymore. There wasn’t anything left on my hands. I knew I had to leave soon. I didn’t want to drag my feet as I walked, but I did. And people tended to take notice. People just assumed I was sick, or mad at them. “Kirishima, did I do anything wrong to upset you?” Deku stuttered. I didn’t answer. I was unresponsive. I didn’t have the energy to even force the words to tumble out of my mouth. I just looked at him. Staring past him. At nothing interesting but at anything that could distract me. I could tell my eyes were doing its typical blur when I started to leave Earth. It was faraway, defiant in a way. Deku answered for himself, “But then again, you’re never angry are you Kirishima,” he did his typical laugh to cover up his ashamed exterior. I decided to look at him shoot a smile, one that quickly died on my lips, then look away. Deku sighed, not in relief but in a release of tension. He looked almost concerned. But I knew that he couldn’t be. There was no reason to be. Deku can’t read minds, Deku doesn’t know of the blood I washed off of my knuckles or the body I cleaned. I didn’t make a single movement. My eyes just returned to the background. My planning was impeccable. Even Dabi knew that. The way I scrub even the little things clean. The blood on my hands were gone, but for some reason the feeling of the dripping liquid remained. Sliding down his arms and over his hands, coating them in invisible sin. Deku went quiet again.