Work Header

K'diwa: A Steamy Novel of Interspecies Romance, by Jim Kirk

Chapter Text

**transcript of chat log: user KIRK, JAMES TIBERIUS, CADET, ID = JTK2233**

T’Vael-of-Vulcan: Good morning, Jim. As you can see, I have used your credentials and the device given to me by T’sai Amanda to create a sub-identity under your Starfleet account for my personal use. I judged this to be the most efficient means of maintaining contact with you for the duration of our stay on Earth.

JTK2233: uh wow, yeah, you sure…did that.
JTK2233: which is fine, just please try not to get me into any trouble

T’Vael of Vulcan: Please define the parameters of “trouble” as it relates to my use of your Starfleet account.

JTK2233: okay uh
JTK2233: don’t access my school files, especially the uncompleted projects, or someone might think I’m using your superior Vulcan brain to do my work for me
JTK2233: don’t read my chat logs with other people!
JTK2233: try to avoid Starfleet social media. if you can’t, don’t necessarily believe anything you read about me there.
JTK2233: and don’t contact any of my professors even if you think their lesson plans are sub-par. just kind of stay out of my academic subfolders altogether.
JTK2233: those are my parameters. do they need any clarification?

T’Vael-of-Vulcan: Yes, I have a query related to the third stated parameter.

JTK2233: great let me guess you’ve already been on hot.cadet-net.sf and now you have questions

T’Vael-of-Vulcan: Affirmative.


T’Vael-of-Vulcan: My clarification relates to a message thread in which your name appears more than 4000 times.
T’Vael-of-Vulcan: Are you indeed the author of a novel entitled K’diwa, which takes as its subject matter the courtship between a praiseworthy male Vulcan scientist who defends a brave and aesthetically pleasing female Human poet from the deadly pursuit of the slavery cartel she heroically defied as a lone adolescent?

T’Vael-of-Vulcan: Jim, 5 minutes have passed since my previous message. Are you still receiving?

JTK2233: T’Vael
JTK2233: I want you to promise me something
JTK2233: I want you to swear by the tips of your adorable pointed ears, got it

T’Vael-of-Vulcan: If, by “got it”, you are inquiring whether I understand you to be evoking a shared memory from my early childhood in order to emotionally manipulate me into making this promise, then yes, Jim, I get it.

JTK2233: PROMISE ME you won’t read K’diwa

T’Vael-of-Vulcan: Will you tell me the reason you do not wish me to read it?

JTK2233: …
JTK2233: [is typing]

JTK2233 Because it was published against my will and without my consent, which makes its widespread distribution a violation of my privacy.
JTK2233: also, it’s only a first draft, and I want to make some changes
JTK2233: especially if you’re going to read it I don’t need my kid sister pointing out my comma splices

T’Vael-of-Vulcan: T’Vara has been reading it for the past forty-seven minutes and she has not yet complained of any deficiency in your grasp of punctuation.

JTK2233: T’Vael will you please give the padd to your sister

T’Vael-of-Vulcan: That will not be necessary.

**new member added to group chat**

T’Vara-of-Vulcan: Good morning, Jim.

JTK2233: …
JTK2233: …
JTK2233: [is typing]

T’Vara-of-Vulcan: Is your device malfunctioning? I am receiving no text.

JTK2233: T’Vara
JTK2233: just
JTK2233: if you have any questions about what you’re reading, just
JTK2233: do me a favor and search a reputable archive, don’t rely on trashy spaceport novels
JTK2233: okay?

T’Vara-of-Vulcan: I believe I understand, Jim.

JTK2233: fantastic
JTK2233: that’s fine then
JTK2233: completely fine