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Never dead enough

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I've heard weird things in my life.
They said to me
That I should be happy with what I have,
That I should follow my dreams,
That I should be brave,
And show others, who I really am.
I know it so well.
Everyone is telling me that
Again and again.
Again.
Again.
But I still don't listen to them.
I don't want to listen to them.
Why?
Because I have knowledge.
I know, how it feels, when I fail.
I know, how it looks, when I cry.
I know, how others see me.
They don’t know it
They don't know
How it feels,
How it looks,
How much I try,
How I want to be different.
But I just can't.