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Never dead enough

Chapter Text

Wreckage of a living being

Painfully slowly

Fading into you

Darkness of an empty life

Starving for love

With none of warmth

And acceptance

From the rest of the world

Longing for you

Dying for you

Drowning in you

With no air

And no screams escaping my lips

You silenced me

Chapter Text

I've heard weird things in my life.
They said to me
That I should be happy with what I have,
That I should follow my dreams,
That I should be brave,
And show others, who I really am.
I know it so well.
Everyone is telling me that
Again and again.
Again.
Again.
But I still don't listen to them.
I don't want to listen to them.
Why?
Because I have knowledge.
I know, how it feels, when I fail.
I know, how it looks, when I cry.
I know, how others see me.
They don’t know it
They don't know
How it feels,
How it looks,
How much I try,
How I want to be different.
But I just can't.

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They are telling me
To be strong,
To do my best,
To be happy,
Not to worry.

But I can't live like that.
I have to be a loser,
To be down,
To be the worst,
To let others be the best,
To make them happy,
To make them proud of themselves,
To see the smiles on their faces.

I was made to lose.

I am the loser to be the winner.

I am the Winner.

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Until I brake

There's no sense in doing this again

Make it end

So we can get away

This deep feeling

Buried inside of us

That will stay burning

Until I brake

And turn to dust

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All I ever had
All I ever felt
All I kept inside
I throw away
As a price for everyone
Who wants
And for you
Who feels
And tastes
And understands
What I kept inside
And you can read
The book of my life
That was giving me a reason
To keep on going
For you
And to feel
That you were with me
But now it falls away
For you

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I open my eyes
To one more black day
Where everything falls apart once again
Piece by piece
And anywhere I run
Anywhere I turn
I'm losing more
Because I can't keep it all together
Because it hurts too much
Trying to be better than yesterday
And tomorrow everything will fall apart again
And now pain becomes my closest friend
Everything I have left

But I'm losing it too

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Run away
Get away from me
Get away from dark nightmare
That monster raging deep inside me

Don't you dare look at me
Or you would see
Or you would understand

I don't want you to understand

It will destroy you

From the inside
From deep inside your heart

And nobody would be able to fix you

I am not able to fix myself anymore
I looked at myself too much
And for too long

And now there is nothing
That can be fixed inside me

Go away

Chapter Text

My air
Give me back my air
I need it
To breathe again
And to open my eyes
To see that smile of yours
The sun you are

I want my air back
I'm suffocating
I need to breathe again
It's getting darker and darker
I can't see you anymore

It's more painful now
Every second hurts more
And I won't be able to hold on anymore
Hold on
And wait for my air

For you to bring life into my dead body
Because I can't do it myself

I'm alone now
And surrounded by nothing
Nothing but darkness
It hurts
My heart
It's bleeding

I need my air
I need my breath
I need my life
I need you

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I was standing
Standing on my two still legs
On my two lifeless feet
With breathless words of darkness

But then you come to me
Reaching out for me
And I catch your hand
And you pull me
So I can move again
I make my feet live again
So I run
Through my life
And I can feel love
And pain
And happiness
And sadness
And you are here with me
You make me run again
You make my heart breathe again
So I can live again

Chapter Text

Can you breathe?

Can you feel that rise and fall is your chest?

Do you hear your heart beating in your chest?

Can you feel your fingers touching?

Can you open your eyes?

Can you smile?

Can you feel words flowing out of your mouth?

Do you understand the words I'm saying?

Do you even care?

 

No, you don't.

You never did.

You didn't even try.

It means nothing to you.

You machine

Your heart is dead

Your hands are cold

Your eyes can't see.

Why…

Why does it have to end like this?

I hate you

You know.

I hate everything about you.

Why…

I hate everything about myself.

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Which one is it?
Second?
Third?
Fourth?
Hundred-thirty-sixth?
Four hundred-eighty-first?

How many more?

How many more names will you give me?

I have lost myself in them
There is just so much
Too much

Loser
Disgusting
Dumb
Idiot
Ugly
Worthless
Weak

You gave me those names

But what was my real name?
I can't remember anymore

There is just too much

I can't cope with them all

Who should I be?
How should I behave?
Where should I be?
When was I born?
When did I die?

I am lost

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I know a girl
Or a young adult now..

 

I knew her ever since her birth
I live with her everyday
I meet her family
I see her kind friends
I know her pretty well
I can read her like a book
I know what she is thinking about
I can see through her
I can read the emotions inside her
Even though I cannot understand them...

I can see the masks she is hiding beneath
I can see what her parents and friends can not
I can see as she is hurting herself
I can see the blood in the bath
I can see the scars on her body
I can see as she is hiding them from everyone
I can see when she is crying silently in her bed
I do see the pain she is feeling too often
Her suffering
The ache in her heart
Her longing
I see as she is silently screaming for someone
For anyone
For attention
To see her
And love her
As HER
And not the masks she is hidden beneath

Because she is a living person
A person
She is not...

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Each scar on my body
Every wound I ever had
I want them all to open up again
And bleed
And ache
And burn
And hurt
And throb
In hopes that the pain will drown all of that
The voices inside
Screams and claws
Prayer for a little bit of silence

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Bright as you are
Waterfalls and vibrant colours
Shining and taking away the darkness
Oh, how beautiful you are
Bringing light and smiles all around

Yet when you turn your twin stars
To look in my direction
All you will see is broken mass
Drowning in my own tears and blood
All the life you bring would never fix my scars

Chapter Text

Shut up
All of you
You know nothing about how I feel
How this situation looks for me
How much it matters to me
You know nothing about what it means
What happens in my head
How it makes me feel
You know absolutely nothing
Yet you speak to me
You give me advice
You order me around
You tell me how it ought to be done
While you know nothing
All you do is complicate everything
Make things in my head worse
So now I feel more and more
Guilt anger frustration sadness distress
And it overcomes me even more
Trying to deal with it is getting harder and harder
Trying to live is getting more and more complicated
Trying to untangle everything is tougher and tougher
Trying to live my life is getting more and more alien
My whole world is crumbling
Falling apart
Destroying piece by piece
My sight is getting dimmer and dimmer
My world is becoming less and less mine
I am less and less me

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I don't feel like sleeping

When the sun turned its eyes away from the earth
Waiting for its turn in the morning

When the moon stands proudly and tall
Sending dim light through my window

And when the stars whisper sweet lullabies
Their echo filling the silence in my room

I don't feel like sleeping

When the darkness fills every corner of my room
Shadows playing all around

When demons sneak through the slit beneath my door
Threatening me with their claws and teeth

And when memories crawl into my mind
Eating me from the inside

I don't feel like closing my eyes

When all I see is the dark grey cold room
All I feel is my dark grey cold soul

I don't feel like waking up

When all I can do is hug myself tightly
In hopes I fall asleep before I die from that chill inside me

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No matter how hard I try
I will never truly be whole

Because the chaos inside my head
Wrecks and tears me apart every night
And shatters my mind into millions of pieces
That I frantically try to catch

But I will never restore it to its previous state
And leaves my sobbing mess of a body
With new bleeding wounds
And a razor blade in my hand

I am losing more and more of what I was
I am becoming less and less complete
I am steadily forgetting who I used to be
I am getting more and more cracks in my mind

I will never truly be whole
I will become an absolute zero of what I once was

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It went dark once again
Clouds covered the sky
And it rained and rained and rained
Demons came out from underneath the bed
And crawled into my head
My eyes drained of their colour
And all turned black black black

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Life would be so many times better and easier
If I didn't exist

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Cold wind

Tell me why am I so lost

Grey sky

Show me where I should go

Twilight moon

Fix the wounds I bear

Full moon

Open my heart

Rip it out of my chest

Make it colder than the winter nights

When you shine proudly in the sky

Outrunning millions of stars above

Brumal snow

Bury the footprints of my steps

Bookshelves of memories

My past

All of my mistakes

Every wrong thing about me

Freeze it in this hiemal chill

Hear my last whisper on brumal wind

And take it to the cold moon

Where winter lasts forever

Chapter Text

Dry piece of bread
Bone with scraps of flesh
Dinner leftovers
Dog desperately clinging with his teeth
To whatever people toss to him
Some kind beggar
Some blue collar in a hurry
Stray wandering through cold streets
Whole tomorrow depending
On what life throws at it today

Cold wind
Warm gust
Flower petals slowly opening
In hopes to catch a ray of sun
Of warmth
Of life
Before wind takes it all away
To survive until another morning dawn

Alarms ring
Cold blankets
Human being jumping from one day to another
Full of fake smiles
Empty laughs
I don't have times
Falling asleep by the desk
Tired eyes staring from the mirror
Changing plans once again
Waiting for a gift from life
Until mercy is given
And no more cold blankets
That welcome waking humans
For another empty tomorrow