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A Touch Of Guilt

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Tachihara felt guilty and he didn’t like it. Didn’t like how it coiled in his chest and threatened to squeeze the truth straight out of his heart. 

He shouldn’t feel guilty. 

This was a job. 

He’d known that going in. 

Still....still...

“What’s going through your head?” Chuuya asked playfully, completely oblivious to the turmoil currently wreaking havoc through Tachihara’s skull. 

Glaze flicking up from the written report he had yet to give the man, having been stopped in doing so when Chuuya offered to go out tonight saying he had the rest of the night free. 

Tachihara felt guilty. 

“Not much. Just got excited and started imagining certain things we could do a little too quickly. It’s not often you’re free of executive duties.” Tachihara answered easily, while there was truth to the statement, there were too many lies interwoven for the words not to taste bitter as they exited his lips. 

Chuuya snorted, “Ok, well, hand me that report so I can look it over and then we can go.” 

Tachihara passed the pages over, smiled warmly and far too genuinely, meeting Chuuya’s gaze and finding only affection reflected back at him. 

He felt guilty. Tachihara hadn’t done anything to deserve such honest devotion from this man and yet here Chuuya was just giving it to Tachihara like he did.

But, that wasn’t what he felt guilty about. He felt guilty about wanting it. Wanting Chuuya so strongly he’d spout bullshit about how terrible one Dazai Osamu was for abandoning the Port Mafia and for betraying Chuuya. For leaving when loyalty was important. For leaving someone who loved him behind. For being a traitorous asshole. 

Despite being all of that and more.

Only the difference was Dazai never lied about who he was and who his loyalties were to. And it wasn’t the mafia. Nor Chuuya. But to himself. 

Tachihara was loyal to the government and to his team.  

Not to the Port Mafia. 

He couldn’t be to Chuuya. Not the way he should be. Not the way Chuuya honestly deserved. 

Tachihara felt guilty. 

“Ready to go?” Chuuya asked, looking up from the report after having given it his stamp of approval and stowed it away. 

Tachihara grinned like his emotions weren’t running haywire as he began imagining what Chuuya would do to him if he ever found out. What the hurt would look like. How the devastation of being betrayed a second time would reflect in those perfectly blue eyes of his. 

“Yep. Though I’m inclined to staying in tonight. It’s not like we don’t have food at home...” 

Chuuya shot him an entirely unamused expression, eyebrows raised, “Seeing as it’s been a year exactly today since we started dating, I’d say, yes, we should go out to dinner even if we have food at home.” 

Twelve months was all it took to rattle his resolve so thoroughly he was nearly ready to drop the entire thing and just beg Chuuya not to hate him. Twenty-four months was all it took to realize he’d been waiting his whole life to meet Chuuya. To think he’d screw up his chances to keep Chuuya before even meeting him. 

“Oh. The sentiment is appreciated, though, doesn’t it look kinda bad if an executive is so mushy about these types of things?” Tachihara breathed, somewhat lost for words at realizing how quickly he’d fallen and how it seemingly occurred without his notice. So lost in the wonder of Chuuya Nakahara to realize the slim passage of time from getting the job and finding an irreplaceable element to his life that should he ever be forced to live without, he probably wouldn’t survive long. 

Chuuya scoffed, “As if anyone is going to challenge me of all people. Besides, it’s not like I’m screaming from the rooftops that I’d like to celebrate my anniversary with my boyfriend.” 

Tachihara laughed, “I guess you have a point.” 

“Good, now let’s go,” Chuuya said, gathering his things and stepping around the desk. 

There were still too many people currently working for Chuuya to feel comfortable touching Tachihara, like grasping his hand as they walked out together, but that was fine. Truthfully, it was a mercy, he wasn’t sure he could touch the mafioso yet without his resolve to complete the mission completely crumbling. 

He had a job to do. That’s why he was here. Chuuya was good for downtime, made for his life here being a hell of a lot brighter, but regardless he couldn’t get too distracted.

Once they had exited the building into the early evening light and gotten a few blocks away Chuuya’s hand found his and Tachihara grasped back easily. Squeezing just slightly as though Chuuya would leave him if he didn’t. 

“Chuuya,” He began, exempting the honorific as they were no longer at work where others could hear and wonder at the lack of it, “what would you do if I ever ran off? Or betrayed the Port Mafia for some reason?” 

“I’d kill you.” Chuuya answered easily, shooting him a curious glance. 

“That was fast.” 

Chuuya shrugged, “It seems fair to me.” 

“Fair?”

“Well, I felt stupid enough after Dazai. If it turned out I welcomed betrayal into my heart a second time, I’m not sure I’d survive that.” Chuuya responded earnestly, gaze focused ahead. 

Tachihara felt guilty as he said, “Well, I guess it’s a good thing I have zero plans to ever hurt you like that.” 

“Promises.” Chuuya murmured. It wasn’t meant to be heard, just a verbalized seed of doubt that would probably never go away. 

Silence fell between them and Tachihara couldn’t help hoping that they’d have years more before the truth got out. Before he had to face the weight of his lies and find himself as a person Chuuya vehemently hated instead of loved.

Though really, how could anyone properly prepare for that? 

Tachihara felt guilty, but not guilty enough to let Chuuya go.