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Icarus Melting Away

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It hurt, being hopelessly in love with someone you knew you couldn’t have.

Watching Patrick touch and hold Evelyn, seeing him wink and flirt with Courtney, fuck, he knew that even Timothy had kissed the guy at some point - it was a dare, he recalled. Tim had put an ecstasy pill in between his lips, and “come on, Patrick, grab it with your mouth, don’t be a fucking pussy,” - but Luis remembered all too well the look of pure disgust that contorted Patrick's features at the mere mention of the event.

Luis had to keep his mouth shut. He had to smile, and pretend to love Courtney. Why? Even though he knew Courtney was going behind his back to fuck Patrick - God, he wished he was her - he also knew it was legal for homosexuals to be together.

(Just because it was legal didn’t mean it was accepted—)

He knew what he was, and what he was not. More often than not, he found himself hooking up with guys in bathroom stalls of dark clubs, knowing that he could never truly be satisfied if he married Courtney. After all, if she was allowed to go behind his back and cheat on him, he figured he should be allowed to the same.

But, even if for a moment, Patrick found it in himself to love Luis? If for a moment, Luis gave in, and let his feelings for Patrick loose, out in the open? He wasn’t stupid. He knew anything with Patrick would never last. Patrick was too harsh, cold, close-minded.

So he kept his mouth shut. He smiled and waved when he could, and hoped no one would catch on.

But he couldn’t help it. Was it love? No, he decided. It was a simple little crush. It didn’t matter though. It was the way Patrick seemed untouchable. Unbreakable. That’s what pulled him in, and he was stuck chasing after the guy like a lost little puppy. He could practically hear the sound of Tim, David, and Craig laughing at him - sneering, calling him cruel names and gay slurs. They’d accuse him of checking them out every time he so much as glanced at them. They’d slander his name, and Courtney’s.

“I bet you gave your girlfriend AIDS, you fuckrag,” Tim would snarl. “You know what that means? It means I have AIDS, and now everyone’s going to think I’m a fag, just because you wanted to take it up the ass. Fucking cocksucker.”

Luis would be lying if he said he wasn’t even just the slightest bit afraid of Timothy. He was terrified of his friends finding out, of Courtney finding out. They were the people closest to him. He relied on them, probably more than he should, but they meant everything to him. And Patrick…
Love never faded. Especially when you loved someone you saw every day.

He kept Patrick’s latest business card in his jacket pocket at all times. He could easily imagine the things that Patrick would say to him if he knew. The cruel things he’d spew - harsher than their other friends. It would hurt more, coming from Patrick’s mouth.

If Patrick knew, would he tell Courtney? Absolutely. Courtney wouldn’t believe him, Luis thought. Or at least he hoped. No, of course not. She cared about him too much for that. Or she cared about herself, her image too much. It wouldn’t look good for her reputation if everyone knew she had dated a homosexual.

He took another drink from the whiskey bottle in his hand, relishing the burn of the alcohol. Courtney had told him that she had gone ‘shopping with Evelyn,’ but he knew better than that. She wasn’t shopping with Evelyn, she was screwing Evelyn’s boyfriend.

He could leave. Go to some club downtown, meet up with some cute guy, perhaps go back to his place. He would have been satisfied enough with just exchanging sloppy handjobs, to be quite honest. He needed a distraction, and he knew that Courtney wouldn’t think twice if she came back to an empty apartment. She was always too fucking high off of something to care.

Was it always going to be a painful bliss, thinking of Patrick? Seeing him everywhere, all the time, hearing about him, but never to touch, never to belong with Luis? It was even worse when he knew that even a small slip-up could ruin his relationship with Patrick; a small mistake could give him away. Saying everything he wanted to say - “I love the way your eyes sparkle underneath the city lights, I love the way your suits adorn your body, I love how you know so much about music, I love you,” - was possibly the greatest mistake he could ever make.

But Patrick and Courtney… he’d been suspecting that for a while. Their alibis were flimsy (never matched up, Patrick said he was with Tim, Courtney with Evelyn, and yet somehow, neither Timothy nor Evelyn had any knowledge of being with the two whenever they lied ) and he had even caught Courtney slipping out of Patrick’s apartment complex on accident one day, when he was on his way to lunch. It was either them sleeping together or a tragic coincidence. It couldn’t be both. People didn’t just visit Patrick Bateman. He’d learnt that very well by now.

Quite frankly, he didn’t know what to feel. Should he feel mad that Courtney was cheating on him? Should he feel jealous that Courtney was lucky enough to end up in the bed of Patrick Bateman? Or should he feel jealous that Courtney liked Patrick more than him? 

He wondered if Patrick ever stopped to give him a single thought. He knew Patrick thought about Evelyn. He knew Patrick thought about Courtney. He even knew that Patrick thought about Timothy, and about even goddamned Paul Owen. But did Patrick ever think about Luis?

He knew he sure thought about Patrick.

A yearn to hold him, to touch him, and please, he’d lay under the stars for hours, listening to Patrick ramble on and on in his deadly sweet voice about some serial killer he recently read about, or his favourite movies, if he could have just one second of Patrick’s affection. Just something to hold and keep forever.

He just wanted, perhaps, a simple kiss from Patrick. Just one, without Patrick reacting terribly, and he would die happy.

But Patrick Bateman was the sun, and Luis Carruthers was nothing more than Icarus with his wings melting away. Too close, too close--

There was no place for him in Patrick’s world, and Luis would die before he’d ever get a chance to think otherwise.