Actions

Work Header

el twitterino knows all

Chapter Text

peetpeet- Peter Parker (enters gc later)

blackwindow- Natasha Romanov

smolgreenbean- Bruce Banner

tincannot- Tony Stark

capmurica- Steve Rogers

metalarmedgay- James Barnes

scarletyeet- Wanda Maximoff

cawcawmf- Clint Barton

birdbutt- Sam Wilson

 

Irondad - Spiderson

Irondad- hey kid

Spiderson- hey mr stark! how are you?

Irondad- i'm good. listen, kid. imma do something but you have to promise you won't freak out.

Spiderson- what is it? am i in trouble? i'm sorry i hacked friday! she was just extremely easy to hack and it was just extremely tempting to make her sing ''lift yourself'' by kanye west every time you entered the room.

Irondad- no you're not in trouble.

Irondad- wait

Irondad- you hacked friday?

Spiderson- no i most certainly did not.

Spiderson- aNYWAYS

Spiderson- i trust you mr stark so go ahead.

Irondad- ...

Irondad- alright then

 

 

 

Heroes with a heart (group chat)

tincannot- alrighty zeroes

tincannot- i have to introduce you to someone

tincannot- he's nice so don't intimidate him 

tincannot added peetpeet to the groupchat

peetpeet- uhm hi

peetpeet- mr stark what is this

capmurica- Tony who is this?

blackwindow- that's peter benjamin parker. he's currently 16 y/o and he attends midtown high. he's of average height, has brown hair and brown eyes, lives with his aunt and interns for tony stark.

tincannot- natasha what the f u c k

blackwindow- friday is surprisingly easy to hack

tincannot- great. now i have two shits that can hack into friday.

smolgreenbean- three shits

cawcawmf- four shits

metalarmedgay- five shits

tincannot- oh woe is me

tincannot- i have been betrayed by my own kin.

peetpeet- wait

peetpeet- hold up

peetpeet- natasha

peetpeet- as in natasha ROMANOV?

blackwindow- well yes.

peetpeet- natasha romanov as in the bLACK WIDOW??????

blackwindow- well

blackwindow- yes.

peetpeet- askdljiakjdasljdk

tincannot- great job nat you just made the kid faint.

peetpeet- NO I'M BACK

peetpeet- MR STARK SIR

peetpeet- DID YOU JUST ADD ME INTO AN AVENGERS GROUP CHAT????????

tincannot- well yes.

peetpeet- oh ok then.

capmurica- Tony. Did you just add a child to our group chat? I also know you don't take interns. Who is this kid?

tincannot- well

tincannot- the thing is

tincannot- care to explain pete

peetpeet- i can tell them?

tincannot- they're the literal avengers ofc you can tell them

peetpeet- well

peetpeet- you see

peetpeet- i'm kinda your friendly neighbourhood spiderman?

blackwindow- ...

capmurica- ...

cawcawmf- ...

birdbutt- ...

scarletyeet- ...

smolgreenbean- ...

metalarmedgay- ...

cawcawmf- i'm sorry w h a t

peetpeet- yeah

capmurica- SPIDERMAN IS 16 YEARS OLD???

capmurica- wait that means two years ago you were fourteen

capmurica- I DROPPED A BUS ON A KID???

peetpeet- a kid with super enhanced strength, hearing, web shooters and a danger warning sense who could snap your neck before you say ''radioactive'' but go off i guess

capmurica- did this child just threaten me?

peetpeet- i guess this teenager* kind of did. no offence mr america sir but i really don't like being called a child.

cawcawmf- i like this one.

 

Chapter Text

peetpeet- Peter Parker 

blackwindow- Natasha Romanov

smolgreenbean- Bruce Banner

tincannot- Tony Stark

capmurica- Steve Rogers

metalarmedgay- James Barnes

scarletyeet- Wanda Maximoff

cawcawmf- Clint Barton

birdbutt- Sam Wilson

 

Heroes with a heart

 

peetpeet- should i make a twitter for my internship?

tincannot- no 

blackwindow-no

cawcawmf- y e s

birdbutt- no

emtalarmedgay- no

capmurica- No.

smolgreenbean- definitely not

FRIDAY- I do not think that would be a good idea, Peter.

scarletyeet- do it

peetpeet- aw alright then imma do it

peetpeet- for you guys <3

tincannot- what the shit kid

____

guyinthechair- Ned Leeds

mjhatesyou- Michelle Jones

shuriken- Shuri

mercwithamouth- Wade Wilson

arachnopwr- Peter Parker

 

Super Duper Child Prodigies and a mercenary

 

arachnopwr- guys should i make a twitter for my internship

mjhatesyou- you already have 2 twitter accounts

mjhatesyou- do it

guyinthechair- yee

shuriken- this will lead to disaster

shuriken- so, obviously, my answer is yes.

mercwithamouth- uwu do it uwu

arachnopwr- alright thanks you guys <3

guyinthechair- gayyy

mjhatesyou- <3

shuriken- should i be jealous

arachnopwr- very

____

 

reindeergames- Loki Odinson

mjolirwielder- Thor Odinson

minorgodling- Peter Parker

notabuggy- Scott Lang

 

The Odd Ones Out

 

minorgodling- guys

minorgodling- should i make a twitter for my internship

reindeergames- fuck yes

mjolnirwielder- WHAT IS THIS 'TWITTER' YOU SPEAK OF?

minorgodling- thor you have caps on again

mjolnirwielder- AH YES

mjolnirwielder- IT INDEED SEEMS THAT I DO

mjolnirwielder- HOW UNFORTUNATE

minorgodling- did you forget how to get caps off

mjolnirwielder- NONSENSE

mjolnirwielder- I AM A GOD

mjolnirwielder- I DO NOT MAKE SUCH IDIOTIC MISTAKES

minorgodling- small arrow to your left

mjolnirwielder- I knew that. 

notabuggy- what did tin can say

minorgodling- tony* said no

notabuggy- then i say yes.

notabuggy- doesn't he tell you to call him tony

notabuggy- like

notabuggy- all the time?

minorgodling- he do

notabuggy- how come to everyone, you refer to him as tony

notabuggy- but then to his face you call him mr stark

minorgodling- because

minorgodling- because fuck you that's why

reindeergames- peter w h y

___

 

Heroes with a heart

 

peetpeet- it is done

peetpeet- you have been outvoted

peetpeet- i'm making a twitter for the internship

capmurica- peter no

peetpeet- (:<

blackwindow- i stg pete

peetpeet- uwu

___

 

(Twitter)

 

best intern ever @actualsiintern

mr stark told me not to make a twitter

 

best intern ever @actualsiintern

so naturally, i did.

 

Chapter Text

best intern ever @actualsiintern

ok so this is thors first time at the compound in like a month and the first thing he does is wALK PAST EVERYONE, LOCK HIMSELF IN HIS ROOM AND EAT ALL THE DAMN POP TARTS

 

best intern ever @actualsiintern

oh wow sis got the audacity to complain saying we don't got enough pop tarts

 

sheep @woofwoof

how rude of him

 

best intern ever @actualsiintern

i know right i feel so unappreciated TwT

 

hannah @notmontana

so wait are you actually tony stark's intern? if you are how come you're the only one of his interns to have a twitter about it?

 

best intern ever @actualsiintern

1) maybe i am maybe i'm not i guess we'll never know uwu uwu 2) it's because i'm original and was the first to have the amazing idea to do so

and 3) mr stark t r u s t s me 

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

1) unfortunately you are 2) it's actually because all my other interns signed a disclosure agreement and 3) no i fucking don't

 

best intern ever @actualsiintern

yes you do

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

yes i do

___

 

Heroes with a heart

 

 

peetpeet- you people can i add a bunch of people on this group chat

tincannot- no

blackwindow- no

capmurica- no

peetpeet- .....please?

tincannot- ...

capmurica- how does he do this

capmurica- i can feel his stare through the screen guilting me into saying yes

blackwindow- goddammit

peetpeet- omg ty!! ilygsm!<333333

scarletyees- i think i just lost my few remaining brain cells reading that text message

peetpeet added ishurihopeitdoes (Shuri)

peetpeet added sparky (Thor Odinson)

peetpeet added snekysnek (Loki Odinson)

peetpeet added uwuowouwu (Wade Wilson)

peetpeet added daddylanglegs (Scott Lang)

ishurihopeitdoes- peter what is this

snekysnek- oh god

sparky- FRIENDS!

daddylanglegs- pete i stg

uwuowouwu- ・:*:・゚( ͡ºั ͜ʖ ͡ºั )。・:*:・゚

peetpeet- welcome!

peetpeet- to the avengers group chat!

ishurihopeitdoes- nope

ishurihopeitdoes- i'm out

ishurihopeitdoes left the group

peetpeet- oh no she don't

___

 

peterparkour- Peter Parker

mj- Michelle Jones

needleeds- Ned Leeds

moonmoon- Cindy Moon

fasterthansanic- Flash Thompson

abeabeabe- Abe

notbettycooper- Betty Brant

salsaconqueso- Sally

Mr Harrington- Mr Harrington

 

Thee Deca Team

 

peterparkour added whattheshuri

peterparkour- oh shit

peterparkour- i did not mean to do that

peterparkour- i most certainly did not mean to do that

moon moon- uhh pete who is that?

needleeds- haha pete u finna die

peterparkour- stfu

peterparkour- where the shit is michelle

whattheshuri- peter what is this

fasterthansanic- who's she penis

fasterthansanic- another loser friend of yours?

fasterthansanic- i hope she doesn't pretend to have a fake internship at si?

whattheshuri- excuse you

peterparkour- no shuri stfu

peterparkour- i meant to add you to the avengers gc

peterparkour- I MEAN

peterparkour deleted 2 messages

salsaconqueso- yOU'RE IN THE AVENGERS GROUP CHAT?????

peterparkour- what?

peterparkour- no way

fasterthansanic- haha no way penis parker is in the avengers gc

abeabeabe- wait

abeabeabe- shuri rings a bell

abeabeabe- are you famous or something

peterparkour- NO SHE'S NOT

whattheshuri- i mean kinda

peterparkour- SHURI NO

whattheshuri- is being the princess of wakanda considered famous?

moon moon- what what

needleeds- hey shuri

whattheshuri- sup ned

fasterthansanic- yeah no way

fasterhansanic- parker can not be friends with the fricking princess of wakanda

whattheshuri- and why is that?

fasterthansanic- because

fasterthansanic- well it doesn't matter 

fasterthansanic- it's obvious that this is fake

peterparkour- shuri don't do it

whattheshuri- is this the flash?

peterparkour- shuri nO

whattheshuri- the one that's been bothering you?

needleeds- omg flash u boutta die

fasterthansanic- wHAT THE SHIT

whattheshuri- yeah

whattheshuri- such a funny prank

fasterthansanic- HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS

peterparkour- shuri please

whattheshuri- nice to know what you've been watching, flash.

___

(Twitter)

 

flash @spiderfan

hey guys! so i've been bullying @pparker who happens to be best friends with @therealshuri. peter accidentally put shuri in one of our group chats and i started bullying peter in front of her fucking face because i'm an entitled pig. anyways, because no one messes with shuri's best friends, she has now hacked into my phone even though she's currently miles away from me, in wakanda. here's my internet history! enjoy!

https://www.pornhub.com

https://www.archive-of-our-own.com/starker/father-son-incest/

https://www.roblox.com

https://www.google.com/how-to-get-spiderman-to-notice-you

https://www.youtube.com/let-it-go/frozen

https://www.google.ch/hentai

https://www.buzzfeed.com/ten-reasons-why-all-non-heterosexuals-should-go-to-hell

https://www.google.com/does-si-give-internships-to-highschools

(AU. I don't think these are real links. I'm just a young girl. My innocent eyes haven't seen the horrors lying in these webpages.)

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

i find this extremely disturbing

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

also consider any chance you had of working at si gone, as well as any chance of getting into a decent college

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

no one messes with my fucking kid

 

MJ @justcallmemj

i'm dating a queen

>>Shuri @therealshuri

<333

 

Nat @actuallyblackwidow

consider yourself dead, pretty boy. no one messes with our family

>>>Loki @snektickler

       I'm in

>>>>>snek tamer @pparker

             guys we've talked about this. no killing underaged children.

 

FRIDAY @friday

It seems all the avengers are extremely mad. I have shut down their phones and locked hem in the room to prevent them from taking drastic measures. @spiderfan I suggest you change your identity and move country as soon as possible for your own physical and mental safety.

___

 

Thee Deca Team

 

fasterthansanic- what the fuck

whattheshuri- never mess with my friends again

mj- wow babe that was kinda hot

whattheshuri- thanks babe <3

whattheshuri- if you ever lay a single finger on any of my friends a hacked phone will be the very least of your problems

whattheshuri has left the chat

peterparkour- okkkk

peterparkour- bye

___

 

snek tamer @pparker

ok @therealshuri i love you to death but w h a t  t h e  f u c k. 

 

snek tamer @pparker

you just unleashed the fucking armageddon 

 

snek tamer @pparker

looks like ragnarok has come early whoop whoop

___

 

Heroes with a heart

 

peetpeet added ishurihopeitdoes

peetpeet- s t a y

 

Chapter Text

Salt n Pepper @PepperPotts

I will kill them all

 

hannah @notmontana

oh shit

 

sheep @woofwoof

i'm going to go ahead and assume 'them' are the avengers

 

Salt n Pepper @PepperPotts

you assumed correct.

 

snek tamer @pparker

oh no peps don't kill them :(((((

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

what did i do??????

 

Salt n Pepper @PepperPotts

YOU CALLED HIM YOUR KID ON A PUBLIC SOCIAL MEDIA FORUM

 

judy hopps @spideyfanconfirmed

yeah what's up with that

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

THAT BRAT WAS BULLYING *OUR KID

 

Salt n Pepper @PepperPotts

YES BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT! YOU COULD HAVE DEALT WITH IT MORE PRIVATELY! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY QUESTIONS THAT'LL RAISE? POOR PETER WILL BE FLOODED WITH REPORTERS

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

I didn't do anything Pepper please spare me!

 

Shuri @therealshuri

i'm sorry pepper

 

sheep @woofwoof

shit even her non-kids are fucking terrified

 

Scarlet Queen @wandawanda

she's scary

 

Salt n Pepper @PepperPotts

I have a fiancée

 

Scarlet Queen @wandawanda

and i have a gf f i t e  m e

 

Salt n Pepper @PepperPotts

The only person I feel like incinerating right now is my dear fiancée. @TonyStark no coffee for two weeks.

>>>Tony Stark @TonyStark

        NO PLEASE PEPS IM S O R R Y ANYTHING BUT THAT

>>>>>Salt n Pepper @PepperPotts

            You have brought this upon yourself.

___

best intern ever @actualsiintern

tony hasn't left his room in two days.

 

judy hopps @spideyfanconfirmed

oh shit 

 

best intern ever @actualsiintern

he says he lost his will to live

 

judy hopps @spideyfanconfirmed

oH S H I T

 

Spidey @wallcrawler

@PepperPots come get cho man

 

Salt n Pepper @PepperPotts

@TonyStark stop being such a drama queen.

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

no

___

 

richard @whatthefuckrichard

OHMYGOD SPIDEY IS MY K I N G

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

what the shit did he do

 

TONY STARK REPLIED TO MY TWEET @whatthefuckrichard

(1/3) OK SO TODAY IS PRIDE DAY AND I GOT CORNERED BY THESE THUGS BECAUSE I'M GAY

 

TONY STARK REPLIED TO MY TWEET @whatthefuckrichard

(2/3) AND SPIDEY JUST CAME OUTTA  N O W H E R E

 

TONY STARK REPLIED TO MY TWEET @whatthefuckrichard

(3/3) WEARING THE FUCKING PAN FLAG AND SHRECKED THEM

 

judy hopps @spideyfanconfirmed

omg spider being pan just made every gay's day 

 

Spider @wallcrawler

you guys didn't know i'm pan???

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

no because the us government is shit

 

caw caw bitches @actuallyhawkeye

MOST PEOPLE DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW I'M DEAF

 

sheep @woofwoof

wait you're deaf? 

 

caw caw bitcher @actuallyhawkeye

S E E

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

us superheroes are not perfect. we are portrayed as something we are not because otherwise ''some citizens might get nervous''

 

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

@TonyStark is bisexual and suffers from PTSD, @PepperPotts is trans, @samfalcon and @bbanner are gay, @wandawanda and @actuallyblackwidow are frustrated lesbians and @wallcrawler is trans and pan, as well as having anxiety and suffering from PTSD. @actuallyhawkeye is deaf and @JBBarnes is an amputee. 

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

not to mention @snektickler and @sparky come from Midgard where genders and sexuality aren't even a thing

 

snek tamer @pparker

you failed to mention you're the biggest gay twink who faints every time they're in the same room as @JBBarnes and slams into walls staring at their ass

 

Buck @JBBarnes

you don't want to know how many times i've had to pull my husband out of fights with homophobes.

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

TRUMP IS A HOMOPHOBIC LITTLE SHIT

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

YALL TRUMP SUPPORTERS SAYING HE CAN TAKE CARE OF THIS COUNTRY BETTER THAN US

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

AS IF HE WON'T START WWIII THE SECOND WE TURN OUR BACKS WITH THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY, MEXICANS AND MUSLIMS INSTEAD OF JEWS

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

THIS IS THE 21ST CENTURY. I DIDN'T FREEZE FOR OVER 60 YEARS FOR THIS BEHAVIOUR TO STILL BE ALLOWED IN THE US

 

frustrated @angrylesbo

omg i'm crying

 

best intern ever @actualsiintern

oh no don't cry :,((( we love and respect the lgbtq community.

 

flash @spiderfan

omg you're all fags. this is disgusting. i can't believe i looked up to fucking faggots smh

 

Spidey @wallcrawler

i'll remember this next time you're in an elevator about to drop to your inevitable death

 

flash @spiderfan

no not you i respect you

 

Spidey @wallcrawler 

uhm no. just because you respect me won't change the fact that your a homophobic, sexist bully. i'm sorry but this kind of behaviour is unacceptable 

 

MJ @justcallmemj

damn @spiderfan you just got your ass handed by your idol

 

flash @spiderfan

stfu fag

 

Shuri @therealshuri

what the fuck did you just say

 

snek tamer @pparker 

shuri please

 

Shuri @therealshuri

this is your last fucking warning. next time you insult a n y o n e i will cut off your testicles and shove them down your throat. am i making myself clear?

 

flash @spiderfan

crystal

 

frustrated @angrylesbo

fucking stan

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Text

harley @potatogunkid

hi so i just made a twitter and i'd like to start off by saying that when i was 12 tony stark broke into my garage.

___

harley @potatogunkid

oh wow i already have 20 followers i have been b l e s s e d

___

snek tamer @pparker

w h o  t h e  f u c k  a t e  m y  e g g o s

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

it's not me kid i haven't done anything i'm innocent

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

Me neither kid spare me. But I bet Nat knows.

 

snek tamer @pparker

if anyone doesn't come forth i will be forced to spill the tea

 

sheep @woofwoof

spill the tea on what

 

snek tamer @pparker

on their deepest, darkest secrets

 

judy hopps @spideyfanconfirmed

yes please

 

God Of Thunder @sparky

What are these 'eggos' you speak of?

 

bird superhero n1 @samfalcon

GAYS THIS IS A EMERGENCY WHOEVER ATE THOSE EGGOS COME FORTH AND YOU WILL NOT BE HARMED

 

bird superhero n1 @samfalcon

i meant to say guys but whatever that works too

 

snek tamer @pparker

i ' m  g e t t i n g  i m p a t i e n t

 

Nat @actuallyblackwidow

peter please spare us

 

caw caw bitches @actuallyhawkeye 

no one is safe

 

green beans @bbanner

PETER NO ONE KNOWS WHERE YOUR DAMN EGGOS ARE DON'T TAKE EVERYONE DOWN WITH YOU

 

snek tamer @pparker

...

 

snek tamer @pparker

alright well since no one has come forth i guess i'll just start with our dear friend bruce banner

 

green beans @bbanner

N O

 

snek tamer @pparker

did you guys know that once dear brucie was carrying some extremely dangerous chemicals and he tripped and set a whole floor on fire because he was staring at thor working out in a tank top?

 

God Of Thunder @sparky

I?????? Thank you????

 

snek tamer @pparker

speaking of thor, did you know he was once carried to the emergency room because he choked on a pop tart whilst staring at bruce?

 

green beans @bbanner

aksjdhjkhsajkhkja

 

Nat @actuallyblackwidow

oh wow he's showing no mercy

 

Nat @actuallyblackwidow

wait shit why did i say anything

 

snek tamer @pparker

ah, nat

 

snek tamer @pparker

did you know she sings in the shower?

 

snek tamer @pparker

and not just any songs. disney songs.

 

snek tamer @pparker

she also has a picture of wanda in her wallet

 

Scarlet Queen @wandawanda

im?????? thank you??????

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

STOP! STOP THIS! LOKI STOLE YOUR DAMN EGGOS!

 

Loki @snektickler

:(

 

snek tamer @pparker

oh, loki

 

snek tamer @pparker

you really shouldn't have done that

 

Loki @snektickler

:(((((

 

snektickler @pparker

loki is actually a huge softie. he cried his eyes out when we saw the greatest showman and his favourite movie genre are rom-coms. his favourite cereal are lucky charms (the ones with the marshmallows in them) and he has a h u g e stuffed unicorn in his room, which is painted pink.

 

Loki @snektickler

nooooo my reputation :(((((((((((((((

 

frustrated @angrylesbo

damn he really went all out

 

snek tamer @pparker

no one touches my fucking eggos

___

 

harley @potatogunkid

so since my life is fucking boring and i have nothing to post i'll just remind you that anthony edward stark broke into my garage 5 years ago and that i shot him with a potato gun.

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark 

will you ever let me live this down

 

harley @potatogunkid

no

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

you're exasperating

 

harley @potatogunkid

you love me, old man

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

maybe a little.

___

 

frustrated @angrylesbo

hey @pparker do you know @potatogunkid

 

snek tamer @pparker

no why

 

harley @potatogunkid

i was summoned

 

frustrated @angrylesbo

you both seem kinda close to @TonyStark

 

harley @potatogunkid

idk tony's never mentioned a parker

 

snek tamer @pparker 

hold up your name rings a bell

 

snek tamer @pparker

OHHHH YOU'RE THAT KID

 

harley @potatogunkid

????

___

@pparker >>> @potatogunkid

 

@pparker- you're the kid who shot him with a potato gun when he broke into your garage during the mandarin dude's attack

@potatogunkid- that's literally on my twitter you could be lying

@pparker- wait hold up

@pparker- harley keener, 17ish, lives in tennessee with your mom and sister

@pparker- mr stark says hi

@potatogunkid- maybe you're just some creepy stalker hacking into the government's files

@pparker- he also says you're a little shit

@potatogunkid- ok i believe you

___

 

snek tamer @pparker

yeah i've heard about him. he's a great dude

 

harley @potatogunkid

right back at you

 

sheep @woofwoof

oh ok then

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

omg you introduced them

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

there's a reason i never introduced them myself.

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

y o u ' v e  k i l l e d  u s  a l l

 

snek tamer @pparker

>:D

___

@pparker >>> @potatogunkid

 

@pparker- 2855944057

@potatogunkid- wass dat

@pparker- my number

@potatogunkid- why???

@pparker- because mr stark didn't want us to meet

@pparker- so we obviously are

@potatogunkid- preach 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Text

beterbarker- Peter Parker

hrlyknr- Harley Keener

___

(6:27pm)

hrlyknr- hi?

hrlyknr- this is harley

beterbarker- harley.

beterbarker- i've been expecting you

beterbarker- ok so the plan goes like this: we learn stuff about each other just to make sure we're not potential murderers and then you fly over here and we cause mayhem all over the compound.

hrlyknr- that,,,,,,,,,works???

hrlyknr- count me in

beterbarker- allright

beterbarker- imma call you so don't freak out

hrlyknr- aye aye cap'n

 

Even though he'd been warned, he still flinched when the phone started ringing. I mean, how could he not. He was about to talk to the Peter Parker. Alright, so he might have been lying when he said he didn't know any Parkers. In fact, the infamous 'Peter Parker' was basically all Tony spoke about when he was with him. He was definitely not jealous of that though. Not even a little bit. Reluctantly, he answered the call and pressed the phone against his ear.

''Hello?'' he called, maybe way too loudly. Maybe not. Doesn't matter.

''Hi? Harley? Harley Keener?'' 

Harley was definitely surprised. The voice on the other side did not belong to as boy who was 4 months younger than him. In fact, if Tony hadn't told him he was a 16- almost 17- year old teenager, Harley would have mistaken him for a 12 year old. It was fucking adorable.

''New phone who dis'' he blurted out. Great. First time speaking to him and he had already embarrassed himself.

''Funny.'' answered the voice on the other side of the line. Harley could practically hear the eyeroll.

''I can practically hear the eyeroll.'' 

''Good. Never has an eyeroll been more destined for someone''

''I resent that.''

''Whatever. Anyways. Tell me something about you, Harley Keener.''

''Well, uhm, I'm 17 and live in Tennessee. I have my mom, Macy Keener, and my sister, Abbie Keener. In fact, she's behind me right now making kissy faces. Shut the fuck up, Abbie. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I fall in desperate and forbidden love with every single heterosexual male I see.''

''Please'' Comes Abbie's sarcastic 12 y/o voice from besides him.

What the actual shit is wrong with me. I literally just admitted I was gay. And why in the seven realms did I tell him about my little sister making kissy faces? He's probably so grossed out and will never talk to me again. Why can't i do ANYTHING  right-

His unhelpful self-criticism was interrupted by muffled laughter on the other side of the line.

''Stop patronising me. I never said I was straight.'' teases the fucking adorable voice belonging to PETER PARKER.

His heart stops beating for a second. ''Are you?''

''I don't know if I should tell you. I wouldn't want to make you keener.''

Oh my god.

''Oh my god. Is that even a word?''

''Of course it is, you illiterate fuck.''

''language'' came a muffled voice from Peter's side. 

''Shut up, Cap, you undeniable hypocrite''

''This is homophobia''

''Well this is also transphobia and panphobia (AN. Panphobia as in the fear of pansexuals, not the fear of everything). Square up, sis.'' Came Peter's perky reply.

Oh. So he's transgender. That would explain the squeaky voice. And he's also pansexual. I've always had a thing for pansexuals. God fucking d AMNIT.

Harley, who had stayed silent during the whole encounter, decided to speak up.

''Waaaaaait. Hold up. Cap as in CAPTAIN FRICKING AMERICA?''

''Yeah'' he responded sheepishly. ''uhh, about that.'' Harley and Peter spent the next four hours talking. He told him about how Anthony Edward Stark broke into his garage when he was twelve. About how most of the kids here make fun of him because of his sexuality (''bullshit. I will fly myself over there and whoop their asses''. He was a d o r a b l e when he was angry.). About how there was nothing to do here, so he spent his days tinkering with cars, discarded microwaves and useless scrap metals. He even tells him about his dad. Or, rather, the fact that his dad walked out. 

Peter told him about how he lives wth his aunt and attends Midtown School of Science and Technology, a ''school for socially privileged and genius minorities'', as he had said. He told him about his best friends MJ and Ned and his bully, Eugene 'Flash' Thompson. He told him about the troubles of being one of the school's resident non-heteros, which consisted mainly of homophobic first-class families (the school, that is). He told him how Tony had found him and offered him an 'internship', and about how they had kind-of-but-not-really grown close and how he now lived in the tower on weekends and when his aunt was away (He was slightly less jealous now. Not that he was jealous at all to begin with.) He then told him his tragic backstory. How both his parents died when he was six, how he saw his uncle get shot in front of him, and how he now lives with his aunt May and sometimes with Mr. Stark (Oh. My. Fucking. God. He calls him Mr. Stark. COULD HE GET ANY CUTER) 

He also told him about Spiderman.

Which, happened by accident.

When Mr. Stark (he still didn't believe he called his almost-father that) entered the room and asked who he was talking to and Peter answered ''Harls'' (he definitely didn't blush) Tony groaned and left the room sulking. That was when Peter decided he could definitely trust him.

(Harley may or may not have fanboy-ed a little. Whatever.)

''and then- awww man''

''What is it?'' questioned Harley.

''It's like, 3 am, and i haven't done any school for homework tom- I mean, homework for school tomorrow. This is all your fault, Harley.''

Harley smirked and shook his head.'' Well, here in Rose Hill, Tennessee, we're one hour in front of you lazy New Yorkers. Square up, sis.'' 

''Yeah, well, I would like to be able to get up and actually go to school.''

''Only you, Pete, only you.''

''Rude. Alright then, I'll call you, uhh, tomorrow? Maybe? Or today, technically. Only if you want to, though. Because, uhh, I wouldn't want to-''

Harley interrupted the stuttering mess with a laugh.

''Call me whenever you want, Pete''

''Oh. Ok then. So, uhh, goodnight? I guess?''

''Goodnight, dork''

That night, he drifted off into a dreamless sleep with a smile on his face.

___

 Irondad >>> Spiderson

Spiderson- harley is coming over

Spiderson- idk when but we already established that he's coming over.

Irondad- kid wtf it's almost three am

Irondad- sleep

Spiderson- that's extremely hypocritical of you to say.

Irondad- you have school tomorrow

Spiderson- yes well you have life tomorrow and you still don't sleep some get

Spiderson- get some shleep

Spiderson- slep

Spiderson- s l e e p

Irondad- that,,,,,,,,, doesn't even make sense

Spiderson- life doesn't make sense

Irondad- ffs pete sleep or i stg you will never ever get to meet the blue eyed gay disaster that is harley keener

Spiderson- noted

___

 

snek tamer @pparker

it's been established. harley keener is coming to nycd.

 

judy hopps @actualspideyfan

wait hold up didn't you two unofficially meet two days ago

 

snek tamer @pparker

your point???????

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

go.to.sleep

 

snek tamer @pparker

it's free real estate

 

Nat @actuallyblackwidow

go to sleep, peter

 

snek tamer @pparker

yes ma'am

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

how the shit 

 

 

 

Chapter Text

snek tamer @pparker

NO. THIS IS BULL. WHAT THE F U C K

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

Language.

 

snek tamer @pparker

STFU 

 

Cap @CaptainAmerica

That was just rude and uncalled for.

 

harley @potatogunkid

for anyone looking for an explanation, we just saw the two percy jackson movies together.

 

guy in the chair @spideystan

together?

 

harley @potatogunkid

via skype

 

MJ @justcallmemj

hm

 

guy in the chair @spideystan

 

hm indeed

 

snek tamer @pparker

YOU CALL THAT PERCY JACKSON? THAT IS NOT PERCY JACKSON. THAT IS A BUNCH OF GREEK DEMIGODS GOING ON ADVENTURES. THE MOVIES HAVE LITERALLY N O T H I N G TO DO WITH THE BOOKS. I'M SO FUCKING DISAPPOINTED. THIS IS THE W O R S T TIMELINE.

 

frustrated @angrylesbo

OMG I KNOW. HAVE YOU SEEN THE DIVERGENT SERIES THOUGH?????? THE DIRECTORS JUST THREW AWAY THE LITTLE FAITH IN HUMANITY I HAD.

 

snek tamer @pparker

WHY.ARE.PEOPLE.SO.INACCURATE.

_____

 

notaleeder- Ned Leeds

mfuckingj- Michelle Jones

harleyqueener- Harley Keener

beterbarker- Peter Parker

 

This gc was created solely for the purpose of ranting

harleyqueener- let it all out, pete

beterbarker- ALL THE FUCKING ACTORS ARE 20 YEARS OLD

beterbarker- THEY DON'T EVEN LOOK LIKE THE 12 Y/O THEY WERE S U P P O S E D TO BE BUT LIKE FUCKING 20 Y/0

mfuckingj- go on

beterbarker- THEY DID NOT HAVE THE BATHROOM SCENE. I C A N N O T BELIEVE THEY DIDN'T FILM THE BATHROOM EXPLODING IN CLARISSE'S BULKY BITCH FACE. AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE THE SCENE WHERE THEY ACT ALL CONFUSED N SHIT AFTER PERCY KILLED THE FUCKING FURY OR WHATEVER.

notaleeder- shhhhh it's ok

beterbarker-THEY DID NOT FILM THE MONSTER DONUT SCENE. THEY DID NOT FILM THE PINK POODLE SCENE. THE JUMPING OFF OF THE GRAND ARCH SCENE. THE GOING TO THE WATERPARK BECAUSE OF ARES SCENE. THE BED-STRETCHER SCENE. PERSEPHONE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO KEEP GROVER IN THE UNDERWORLD. THEY DIDN'T EVEN FILM THE FUCKING ICONIC ASS PERCY JACKSON FIGHTING ARES SCENE.

beterbarker- A N N A B E T H  I S N ' T  E V E N  B L O N D 

beterbarker- thank you for coming to my ted talk

harleyqueener- yea i kinda agree with you on that one

beterbarker- god has truly abandoned us.

mfuckingj- that's a bit overdramatic

beterbarker- bitch f i t e  m e

notaleeder- ooooooooh

harleyqueener- if i told you something super duper exciting, would your faith in humanity be restored

beterbarker- unless it's something super extraordinary, such as flash being nice, my parents coming back to life or you flying over here i don't think so no

harleyqueener- well...

notaleeder- omfg no w a y

mfuckingj- really?

beterbarker- *gasp*

beterbarker- ARE MY PARENTS ALIVE

harleyqueener- no you depressive asshat

beterbarker- rude

harleyqueener- i'm coming over next month 

harleyqueener- for the rest of the school year

harley queener- and i will be going to midtown

mfuckingj-....

beterbarker- AUIGDFSHOANL

notaleeder- i think you just gave him a heart attack

beterbarker- i can see colours again

___

Spiderson>>> Irondad

Spiderson- really?

Irondad- yes

Spiderson- rEALLY??

Irondad- yes

Spiderson- reALLy'?''????1??11?1??

Irondad- kid you have an iq the same hight as mount everest stop typing like you're having an aneurism

Spiderson- OMG TY SO MUCH DAD ILY OIQHASJBAOSIF

Irondad- ...

Spiderson- i- i mean

Spiderson- uhm

Irondad- you're welcome, son

____

 

best intern ever @actualsiintern

>;D

 

snek tamer @pparker

>;D

 

harley @potatogunkid

>;D

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

oh god i'm already terrified

 

sheep @woofwoof

i ship it

 

hannah @notmontana

 

#parley

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Text

snek tamer @pparker

O H  M Y  G O D

 

snek tamer @pparker

MY INNOCENCE. MY PRECIOUS INNOCENCE JUST GOT SNATCHED RIGHT OUT OF MY GRIP. 

 

frustrated @angrylesbo

what happened

 

snek tamer @pparker

I WALKED IN ON NOT ONE. BUT T W O NEW AVENGER COUPLES

 

snek tamer @pparker

I NEVER SHOULD HAVE GONE ON THAT TWITTER RANT. NO EGGOS WILL EVER RETRIEVE MY INNOCENCE

 

Nat @actuallyblackwidow

i'm so sorry kid

 

Scarlet Queen @wandawanda

noooo pete forgive me i'm s o r r y ;-;

 

harley @potatogunkid

w a i t

 

God Of Thunder @sparky

well in my defence young peter we weren't exactly being quiet

 

green beans @bbanner

not. the. time. thor

 

harley @potatogunkid

are you trying to tell my mortal ears that you, peter benjamin parker, walked in on watasha AND thruce?

 

harley @potatogunkid

damn y'all avengers are n a s t y

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

not the time kid

 

green beans @bbanner

how did that even happen 

 

snek tamer @pparker

wELL WATASHA WEREN'T EXACTLY BEING TOO FUCKING SUBTLE GOING AT IT IN THE TRAINING ROOM'S EQUIPMENT STORAGE CUPBOARD AND THEN I LEFT AND LOCKED MYSELF IN A RANDOM ROOM. WHICH GUESS FUCKING WHAT. IT WAS THE ROOM WHERE THRUCE 'WEREN'T EXACTLY BEING QUIET'. AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE DID. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY F U C K I N G DID. THEY JUST LOOKED AT ME. NO 'OH SORRY PETE FOR TAKING AWAY YOUR LAST MOMENTS OF CHILDHOOD'. NOT EVEN A SIMPLE 'SORRY'. NO.

 

Tony Stark @TonyStark

guys what the shit why did you traumatise my kid

 

snek tamer @pparker

it's on. every avenger that aren't you heathens vs said heathens. you started this war.

 

Scarlet Queen @wandawanda

oh it's on

 

Shuri @therealshuri

wHeN wiLL yOu LeaRn

 

snek tamer @pparker

tHat yOuR acTioNs hAVe cONsEQuEncES?????1??1

 

sheep @woofwoof

i stan an iconic memelord

_______

 

peetpeet- Peter Parker 

blackwindow- Natasha Romanov

smolgreenbean- Bruce Banner

tincannot- Tony Stark

capmurica- Steve Rogers

metalarmedgay- James Barnes

scarletyeet- Wanda Maximoff

cawcawmf- Clint Barton

birdbutt- Sam Wilson

ishurihopeitdoes- Shuri

snekysnek- Loki Odinson

sparky- Thor Odinson

uwuowouwu- Wade Wilson

daddylanglegs- Scott Lang

 

Heroes with a heart

peetpeet- fast five favourite for whoever wants to say: food superhero animal band/singer weather

peetpeet- pizza tony stark pegapi hamilton soudtrack sun

tincannot- fettuccine alfredo spidey jellyfish AC/DC rain

peetpeet- rain?

tincannot- you people can't bully me to get out of my lab because it's ''beautiful outside'' when it's raining

peetpeet- i don't know if you are being sarcastic or not and it scares me. are you doing ok?

tincannot- don't fucking contradict me

smolgreenbean- mac c cheese thor horses beethoven rain

peetpeet- w h y  d o  y o u  a l l  l i k e  r a i n  s o  m u c h

smolgreenbean- because then i can cuddle with thor in peace

sparky- <3

smolgreenbean- <33333

sparky- <3333333333333333333333333333

smolgreenbean- <33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

sparky- <33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

peetpeet- g e t  o u t

smolgreenbean- n o

blackwindow- ben n jerry wanda gazelles fob v v sun

peetpeet- ''v v sun'' -Natasha Romanoff, internationally known Badass(tm) spy

peetpeet- at least you don't like the rain because of some lame ass excuse like getting hot with your gf

blackwindow- bitch excuse you

blackwindow- i love rain too but i also happen to enjoy seeing wanda in a bikini

scarletyeet- *blush*

peetpeet- why did i ever get you people together

blackwindow- you love us

peetpeet- maybe s o

scarletyeet- cluj style cabbage nat giraffe taylor swift misty

blackwindow- <33333

peetpeet- i don't know what 'cluj style cabbage' is but it has the word 'cabbage' in it.

peetpeet- therefore it is invalid

scarletyeet: D,: 

peetpeet: also why the shit is your fav animal the giraffe????

scarletyeet: stop questioning my lifestyle you're making me uncomfortable

capmurica- apple pie bucky dogs fob sunny

ishurihopeitdoes- that is,,,,,,,,, so american

daddylanglegs- yo can i just say mr righteous tries to act all cool and suave but irl he watches totally spies at 3am in the morning

capmurica- t h a t  w a s  c l a s s i f i e d  i n f o r m a t i o n  y o u  a s s h o l e

ishurihopeitdoes-asdjasid anyways

ishurihopeitdoes- can you broken white boys shut your fucks for a sec so that i can answer the question

snekysnek- no

tincannot- no

capmurica- no

scarletyeet- no

blackwindow- no

sparky- no

uwuowouwu- ღ(¯`◕‿◕´¯) ♫ ♪ ♫ ₦Ø ♫ ♪ ♫ (¯`◕‿◕´¯)ღ

metalarmedgay- no

daddylanglegs- no

cawcawmf- no

birdbutt- no

peetpeet- yea go ahead

ishurihopeitdoes- <3

ishurihopeitdoes- ok so uhm

ishurihopeitdoes- black liquorice spidey humuhumunukunukuapua heathers and dear evan hansen soundtrack snow

peetpeet- what the fuck shuri

blackwindow- is she for real

ishurihopeitdoes- ???????

tincannot- her favourite food is actually black liquorice? she's not just,,,,, fucking with us?

ishurihopeitdoes- why???? what's wrong with black liquorice

cawcawmf- omg

peetpeet- this is the worst timeline

metalarmedgay- god has truly abandoned us

uwuowouwu- yEs riP sTaN LeE pResS 'F' tO paY REspEctS

capmurica- who tf is stan lee

peetpeet- goddammit wade not again

______

 

 

beterbarker- harls

beterbarker- harls

beterbarker- harls

beterbarker-harls

hrlyknr- w h a t

beterbarker- fast five favourite

beterbarker- food superhero animal band/singer weather

hrlyknr- is this the reason why you woke me up 

beterbarker- yes now answer 

hrlyknr- pizza iron man or spidey racoons black keys snow

beterbarker- .....you like spidey?

beterbarker- like

beterbarker- actually like him and not just because you're texting him but because you find him cool and interesting and whatnot?

hrlyknr- yeah dude

beterbarker- oh ok um

beterbarker- ihavetogoilltextyoulaterbye

____

snek tamer @pparker

omg i'm so gay it's not even funny

 

frustrated @angrylesbo

i ship it

 

snek tamer @pparker

i blocked him on this twitter acc so he can't see this but i'm so fucking gay for this kid and i haven't even met him i don't know what he looks like s e n d  h e l p 

Chapter Text

Crull Danvers @captnmarvl

6 years. 6 years I haven't been on earth and the first thing my best friend Maria Rambeau tells me is that I should get a twitter.

 

Crull Danvers @captnmarvl

I KNOW WHAT TWITTER IS MAR. I'M TECHNICALLY ONLY 35. (AN. I know it's twenty four years from captain marvel till infinity war. i just want to write a nice fic let me live) I BROUGHT A PHONE WITH ME TO SPACE. I K N O W WHAT'S UP.

 

sasha @sashglittersass

lmao is she for real

 

Crull Danvers @captnmarvl

I don't know, Sasha. Am I?

 

sasha @sashglittersass

o shit she probably is

 

Nicholas Furry @nickfury

Welcome back, Carol! It's nice to finally see you again.

 

Nicholas Furry @nickfury

Also who the shit changed my name.

 

spidey @sbiderman

lmao yeet

 

Shuri @therealshuri

O_O

 

Nicholas Furry @nickfury

How do I change it?

 

spidey @sbiderman

crop that and imma crop you

 

Shuri @therealshuri

what he said

 

Nicholas Furry @nickfury

I feel attacked.

 

Crull Danvers @captnmarvl

Anyways. Hi Twitter.

 

spidey @sbiderman

KSJSKSJSKJSKS OMG AM I DREAMING

 

Crull Danvers @captnmarvl

No, I'm pretty sure you aren't

 

spidey @sbiderman

iS THIS THE ACTUAL CAROL DANVERS CAPTAIN MARVEL SUPERHERO KICKASS FEMALE SUPREME

 

musica @mramboodle

lmao calm down she's actually a huge dork

 

Crull Danvers @captnmarvl

Shhhhh Lieutenant Trouble don't expose me.

 

spidey @sbiderman

i did my sixth grade research project on you ma'am i am beyond honoured to not actually unofficially meet you through twitter and grandpa eyepatch

 

Crull Danvers @captnmarvl

You have a grandchild, Fury?

 

Nicholas Furry @nickfury

Yes. Yes, I do.

____

 

beterbarker- hey harls

beterbarker- hey harls

beterbarker- hey keener

beterbarker- harley keener

beterbarker- babe

hrlyknr- yee

beterbarker- i don't know how you look like

hrlyknr- so

hrlyknr- idk how u look like either

beterbarker- well my identity is secret for a reason

beterbarker- now s h o w

hrlyknr- no

beterbarker- what do i have to do to get you to show me your beautiful face

hrlyknr- SKJSKSJKSKJSKSJKS MY FASCE ISNT BAEUTIFL

hrlyknr- and you can't do anything i'll never show u my face

beterbarker- please

hrlyknr- no

beterbarker- i'll do whatever

hrlyknr- ...whatever?

beterbarker- yes

hrlyknr- call me

___

 

beterbarker- no

hrlyknr- yOU SAID ANYTHING

beterbarker- yES BUT-

hrlyknr- i'll send you multiple pics

betrbarker- but you don't g e t  i t

hrlyknr- blease?????????????

beterbarker- hnnnnng

beterbarker- fine

___

 

beterbarker- hey flash

flash- what do you want penis

beterbarker- so uhm i have a confession to make

flash- are u gonna finally admit you don't work at si

flash- nobody believed you from the beginning lmao you're so pathetic

beterbarker- no it's not that actually

beterbarker- i'm actually deeply in love with you. have been since the first day we met. i know you won't return my feelings but i had to get this out of my chest.

flash- ew faggot you think i'd ever love you

flash- smh you're so disgusting

flash- go kill yourself you piece of shit

flash- is that how you ''work'' at si? by fucking every employee there? i knew it

flash- you have no talent except being a whore. that's why everyone left you ngl

___

beterbarker- (screenshot of his conversation with flash)

hrlyknr- oh my god

hrlyknr- oh my fucking god did he actually 

hrlyknr- i'm

hrlyknr- i'm so sorry peter please i didn't know

beterbarker- yeah you didn't

hrlyknr- i

hrlyknr- peter i'm so sorry but listen

hrlyknr- you're not disgusting. you're not pathetic. you are the best person i know and don't let anyone say otherwise

hrlyknr- so many people love you peter. no one wanted to leave you. you are so so so loved and please never think otherwise

beterbarker- ok

hrlyknr- please pete i'm so sorry

beterbarker- it's ok. you didn't know

hrlyknr- i shouldn't have forced you i'm so fucking sorry

hrlyknr- but i'll make sure he regrets every fucking word he said i promise

beterbarker- thanks ig

hrlyknr- i'm so sorry

___

hrlyknr- (screenshot of peter and flash's conversation)

hrlyknr- who the fuck do you think you are

flash- uhhh lmao who r u

hrlyknr- no you don't ask questions here

hrlyknr- now fucking answer me

hrlyknr- who the fuck do you think you are

flash- Eugene 'Flash' Thompson. who are you?? another one of his little boy toys?

hrlyknr- you better keep your fucking trap closed before i fly over there and close it for you permanently. you do not want to know how fucking close i am to doing that

hrlyknr- i'm harley keener. pretty close to tony stark

hrlyknr- and no not because i'm fucking him you worthless piece of shit

hrlyknr- turns out that kid you're bullying, peter parker soon-to-be stark is way closer to tony stark

flash- they finally decided to get married

flash- tony stark deserves so much better tbh

hrlyknr- SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH BEFORE I SHUT IT MYSELF

hrlyknr- peter is my friend. no one messes with my fucking friends.

hrlyknr- he wanted to see my face and i made the mistake of daring him to tell you that

hrlyknr- because let's be honest he's probably the first confession you ever got right?

hrlyknr- the first and only kid to ever love you is the gay kid you bully.

hrlyknr- that's where you got all your fucking confidence from RIGHT?

hrlyknr- just because your parents don't love their mistake of a child doesn't mean you can take it all out on a person who is a hundred times the person you'll always be

hrlyknr- the only bit of love in your life is from a fake confession. and then you call him pathetic

hrlyknr- i'm pretty good at engineering and tony stark is better

hrlyknr- when i tell him what you said to his future son you should be expecting more than a bullet in you forehead

flash- you wouldn't tell tony stark

hrlyknr- oh yeah? 

hrlyknr- watch me

___ 

hrlyknr- (screenshot of peter's conversation with flash)

hrlyknr- it's all my fault i dared him to do it he doesn't actually like him and i'm so sorry but please do something about this

tonystank- Harley what is this

hrlyknr- it's this

hrlyknr- asshole that's been bullying peter

hrlyknr- this is all my fault i'm so sorry

tonystank- hey it's ok it wasn't your fault

tonystank- i'll deal with it

tonystank- give him hell, harls

hrlyknr- always

___

 

harley @potatogunkid

(screenshot of peter's conversation with flash)

give him hell y'all (by the way this was a dare even peter has higher standards)

 

>>Shuri @therealshuri

  i mean i did warn him

 

>>>>MJ @justcallmemj

    lmao flash is so dead

 

>>flash @spiderfan

  you can't do that!!!

 

>>>>harley @potatogunkid

    can't i?

 

>>Nat @actuallyblackwidow

  not this brat again

 

 

>>>>Scarlet Queen @wandawanda

    sis did what now

 

>>Loki @snektickler

   i will kill him then drag him back from the fiery depths of hel to torture him slowly and painfully until he is begging for me to let him feel the sweet release of death

 


>>>>God Of Thunder @sparky

      rt


>>>>green beans @bbanner

      rt

 

>>>> mr righteous @stoverogers

      rt

 

>>>> cant stop won't stop @valerieval

      rt

 

>>>>Crull Danvers @captnmarvl

      rt

 

>>>>sasha @sashglittersass

      rt

 

>>>>caw caw mf @birdass

      rt

 

>>>>sam wilson @birdshit

      rt

 

>>>>bucket @bucketbornes

      rt

___

hrlyknr- (selfie with his sister)

hrlyknr- (pic of him working on a car)

hrlyknr- (him making breakfast and grinning)

hrlyknr- i'm really really really sorry

beterbarker- that,,,,,, that's you????

hrlyknr- haha yeah

beterbarker- that

beterbarker- that is y o u?

hrlyknr- yea ok i get it

beterbarker- what the fuck

beterbarker- i,,,,, need a drink

hrlyknr- ???

beterbarker- holy shit i'm so grey :'D

___

tonystank- eugene thompson

flash- uhm,,,,, who is this?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Text

deadpp @waterofdeath

heeeeeenlo readers! i'm here to talk to you because the author is setting me up to do her dirty work again. don't look at me like that, you know it's true. a n y w a y s, she wanted to say 1) that she's terribly sorry for not updating and 2) she's gonna change some of the character's twitter names because she doesn't like them and she's too lazy to come up with a story as to why they changed it.

 

tony stank @tstank

wade what the fuck

 

tony stank @tstank

i'm pretty sure that wasn't my name before

 

 stove @capsicle

Language!

 

stove @capsicle

wait what the diddly darn

 

on my left @falcass

you did not just say diddly darn on a public social media platform where people can associate me to you

_____

big pp @beterbarker

i can se neew colrss

 

big pp @beterbarker

oMg!!!¨¨!1!!!!!!! Tgasgss a iRon dad fLYIING

 

big pp@beterbarker

@tstank uRRRerrr flIYINgG¨¨¨!!! mSr sTorkKKkk!!!!! fATttHERr

 

tony stank @tstank

who gave this kid weed

 

big pp @beterbarker

hAArLEyyyyyyyyyyy i liEok yRRe eYes

 

big pp @beterbarker

tHeyrr so,,,,,,,, bluUU en PrETti aNd i

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

im,,,,,,,,, thanks???

 

>Abbie @abbiek

he's blushing.

 

>>harley @awesomesexybeast

abbie you're too young to have twitter i'm telling mom

 

>>>Abbie @abbiek

if you tell i tell

 

>>>>harley @awesomesexybeast

you wouldn't

 

 

>>>>>tony stank @tstank

tell what

 

>>>>>>Abbie @abbiek

:^)

 

 

FRIDAY @friday

Peter has drank his fifteenth pouch of Caprisun. I would advise @tstank to come rescue Mr. Parker before they break something.

 

tony stank @tstank

I'm on my way.

 

mmMmm fuck you @mjones

Peter has always had an unhealthy addiction to Caprisun. His current record is 43 pouches.

 

tony stank @tstank

I feel like I should stop this but I really don't want to tbh.

 

i'm multitasking @leblackwidow

once, after his twentieth pouch, he got on the roofs of stark tower and started dancing along to every hamilton song from the soundtrack on the ledge.

 

>yee-raw me @wandahoe

way to call beter out babe :((((

 

mmMmm fuck you @mjones

Once Peter drinks his thirtieth pouch his eyes roll back and his limbs start bending in inhumane positions and he looks like fucking antichrist.

 

>on my left @falcass

i can see him

 

>> on my left @falcass

aint nobody got time for that i'm not looking to get skinned alive for my sins thankyouverymuch

 

>>>big pp @beterbarker


.
.
i̸̧̧͕̤̖̰͚̅́̒̇̚͜͝ c̴̡̛̛͎̯̩͖͙̻̩̆̔̀͗̓͌͡͝ą̨͙̠͖̲̟͇̒̏͛̽̊͛͡͝͝n̼̰͈͎̲̦̼̐̉̊́̑̈̚͟͢ s͎͉̠̩̣̤͎̣̽̈̉͊̒̈̎́e̯͉̪̪̪͆͆͆͌̌́̃̂̚̕ẻ̸͍̳̻̹͇͉̺̩͐͂̐̆̕͢͡͡ ṱ̶̨̹̻̯̟̥̬͙̏͋̇̈́́̈́͂̚͝͞ḧ̘͍͍͕̳̟͙͔͖͑͑̆͂̏͊͡ͅe͇͔̜̯͎̿͑̀̾́̓̃̕͡͠ w̢̘̗̗̮̪̥̄̏̊͑͡e̬̖̬̹̱̭̬͖͖͛̿̿͐̇i̸̥͈̗̯̳͛̍̐̈͗̎͌̀̚ͅg̨̹͕͕͉͂͌͂͋̅͌͗̀̕ḣ̵̢͔̮͚̎̅͌̄͜͡t̵̰͈͙̹͉̝̎̄̉̈̊̀ ȯ̠̟͕̥̮̮͉͕͈̊̎͌̇̚f̵̡̛̝̮͎̲̱͖͚́̄̿̕ ỷ̢̧̙̩̥͖̗̥̙͚̇̂̃͊͑͝͞o̡̟̹̞̻̙̬͑̆͊̐̏̿͋͠͝ͅũ̸̺̻͕̮͔̫͌̇̃̒͐͆͒̅͞ͅŗ͔͍͓̱̆̈́̈̓͛̀́̽̈́͟͡ ś̸̛͓̝͕̞̠̯̗̭͙͒͆́̍͊͛͟ĩ̡̨̛̫̪͙̫͉̗̳̎͗͛̎̌͠ñ̶̰̤͙͔̼̿̅̓͠s̴̭̯̺͎͍̺͎̝̀̍͆̐̋͑̑̚͟
.
.

 

>>>>on my left @falcass

ahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahaahahahahahahahwhatthefuck

 

gay in the chair @nedled

he tried to do a backflip off of the eiffel tower when high on caprisuns

 

god of thunder @sparky

i once tried to steal one (1) juice pouch and he very nearly clawed my eyes out

 

>me angery @biggreen

To be honest, love, you had it coming.

 

 tony stank @tstank

alright that's it no more demon juice for you

 

big pp @beterbarker

you cnAANt tELllL mE what tO DOo you're nOt mY dadDD,,, yOu ALwAYss waNn hErR SOMthhiNN uGLy assS fuKKn nOOdLL hEDd

 

tony stank @tstank

i would take that to heart if you weren't high and possessed 

 

bucket @bbornes

''You're not my dad'' -Peter Parker to Tony Stark

 

 loki @parseltongue

press x to doubt

 

clit @thebetterbird

x

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

x

 

Abbie @abbiek

X

 

i'm multitasking @leblackwidow

x

 

on my left @falcass

x

 

mother @dragonqueen

x

 

cindy @moonmoon

x

 

tulip @hornytensia

x

 

notice me thor @biggay

x

 

rhodey @jrhodes

x

 

pepper @virginiastark

x

 

mmMmm fuck you @mjones

x

 

shuri @vinedaddy

x

 

 

big pp @beterbarker

y'all are traitors and i'm not inviting you to my birthday party

 

>harley @awesomesexybeast

oh ok so when i do it it's ironic but when you do it it's fucking original. i see how it is

 

>>Abbie @abbiek

it be like that sometimes

 

i'm multitasking @leblackwidow

wait yeeter no

 

shuri @vinedaddy

🅱eter 🅱lease

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Text

 

big pp @beterbarker

making my way downtown, swinging fast

 

chloe @chloephile

'swinging fast' that's a new one

 

deez nuts @ahagottie

sound like something spidey would say tbh

 

big pp @beterbarker

pfffft nooooo. he would never say that, ever. because me and him are a completely different person. nothing in common. 

 

tony stank @tstank

Kid...

___

 

Spiderson >>> Irondad

 

Irondad- Kid what the fuck.

Spiderson- what???? what did i do?????

Irondad- You basically almost revealed your secret identity to everyone!!!! That was so indiscreet.

Irondad- Anyways I need you to find a way to make people think you're not spidey.

Spiderson- and how exactly am i supposed to do that??????

Irondad- I don't know, kid. You're a genius. Figure something out. I'm going away on a business trip for the whole of tomorrow and when I come back everything better be fixed, because otherwise the PR department plus Pepper will have my head.

Irondad- And I'm sure you wouldn't want your father dearest to get decapitated.

Spiderson- i know just the way to do that

Irondad- Alright then. I'm about to board. I'm trusting you, kid.

Spiderson- yes, dad

Irondad- I-

Spiderson- :))))

___

big pp @beterbarker

this just in spiderman is overrated

 

guy in the chair @nedled

peter what are you doing

 

big pp @beterbarker

it's true though. like sure he helps old ladies down the road and rescues kittens from trees but when you get to meet him in person he's a little bitch

 

>spider can @sbiderman

the fuck u just say to me

 

>>big pp @beterbarker

said that you're overrated you undergrown carrot

 

>>>spider can @sbiderman

lmao you're just jealous because tony likes me more than he likes you

 

>>>>big pp @beterbarker

pfft you wish i don't see you calling him dad

 

>>>>>spider can @beterbarker 

that's because i don't want you to see me. i try to be around your dumbass as little as physically possible

 

chloe @chloephile

wait. hold on a diddly darnedest second. peter parker calls tony 'i am iron man' stark d a d???

 

big pp @beterbarker

yeah B) that's because he likes having me around unlike s o m e o n e i know 👀👀

 

spider can @sbiderman

you talking shit about me and you don't even have the courage to @ me you bent spoon

 

big pp @beterbarker

you're calling me a bent spoon when you're the one who could choke elastic girl with their thighs

 

spider can @sbiderman

is that supposed to be an insult or?????

 

big pp @beterbarker

i'm running on five cans of red bull and spite i haven't slept in the past three days leave me alone before i make you eat your hands

 

mmMmm fuck you @mjones

spidey powers or not, no one escapes peter's wrath.

 

shuri @vinedaddy

you better watch out. you better watch out. you bETTER WATCH OUT!!!

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

peter, love, what in the name of everything holy are you doing

 

big pp @beterbarker

i don't know what you mean what are you insinuating

 

shuri @vinedaddy

👀

 

mmMmm fuck you @mjones

👀

 

guy in the chair @nedled

👀

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

👀

 

i'm multitasking @leblackwidow

👀

 

big pp @beterbarker

damn even you nat :(((

___

 

beterbarker >>> hrlyknr

 

hrlyknr- no but seriously parker what are you doing

beterbarker- dad told me to make people believe i'm not spiderman.

beterbarker- and this is obviously the only way to do so.

hrlyknr- ok 1) dad???? and 2) or you could,,,,, just,,,,, you know,,,,,

hrlyknr- not interact with other you online?

beterbarker- 1) oui 2) ew my god no

beterbarker- i hate normies smh 

hrlyknr- who the fuck u calling a normie

beterbarker- you

hrlyknr- excusez moi quoi de la fuck

___

 

tony stank @tstank

Jfc kid i let you take care of one thing. One. Damn. Thing. And this happens.

 

spider can @sbiderman

he started it!!!!!

 

big pp @beterbarker

:((((( snitch

 

tony stank @tstank

@beterbarker you're grounded

 

spider can @sbiderman

hA

 

tony stank @tstank

@sbiderman you're grounded too.

 

spider can @sbiderman 

what why what did i do??????

 

tony stank @tstank

👀

 

mother @dragonqueen

tony stark is such a #irondad we stan

 

notice me thor @biggay

tony stark being an #irondad watered my crops and cleared my skin thank you

 

Abbie @abbiek

oh wow #irondad is already trending

 

tony stank @tstank

You all are PR nightmares.

 

Chapter Text

big pp @beterbarker

alrighty superhoes where the fuck is my nintendo ds

 

chloe @chloephile

peter calling them superhoes is my new aesthetic (A/N. i feel like i read this somewhere, if this is your quote i'm s o r r y for stealing it)

 

tony stank @tstank

What? That old broken disgustingly filthy thing you call a nintendo?

 

i'm multitasking @leblackwidow

is that a confession 👀

 

tony stank @tstank

God no.

 

tony stank @tstank

Not even I am that suicidal 

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

i wonder. who took. your nintendo.

 

big pp @beterbarker

if you know something i don't know your yeehaw ass better tell me or i'll yeesaw you before you yeeknow it

 

>yee-raw me @wandahoe

someone called

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

*nervously sweats in gay*

 

spider can @sbiderman

what's popping logang 😎

 

big pp @beterbarker

you spider bitch. it was you wasn't it.

 

on my left @falcass

oh no not this shit again

 

spider can @sbiderman

i don't see what you're talking about you broken chair

 

big pp @beterbarker

where the fuck did you web my nintendo you mouldy piece of lettuce 

 

spider can @sbiderman

i diDNT WEB YOUR NINTENDO ANYWHERE

 

spider can @sbiderman

no tea no shade but i'd rather commit death-pacito than touch anything belonging to you

 

big pp @beterbarker

dON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT 

 

spider can @sbiderman

YOUR BATH WATER TASTES BAD

 

big pp @beterbarker

YOUR TOAST IS STALE

 

spider can @sbiderman

i'm about to say it

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

oh god oh fuck

 

spider can @sbiderman

i'M ABT TO FUCKING SAY IT-

 

mmMmm fuck you @mjones

i think it's safe to say we're all a little afraid here

 

big pp @beterbarker

sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me 😎

 

spider can @sbiderman

your mom downloaded mastercraft instead of minecraft

 

big pp @beterbarker

you take that back you fUCKING TAKE THAT BACK-

 

shuri @vinedaddy

literally every gen z: -gAsP dRamAtiCaLLy-

 

gay in the chair @nedled

dISHONOUR ON YOU DISHONOUR ON YOUR FAMILY DISHONOUR ON YOUR COW

 

spider can @sbiderman

omg bro i'm so sorry bro that was too far bro😔

 

big pp @beterbarker

shhh it's ok bro i forgive you bro😔💕

 

spider can @sbiderman

bro😔💕💛💜💕💕💙💚💕💜💕💘

 

big pp @beterbarker

but i still hate you bro👺

 

spider can @sbiderman

yea bro i gotchu🙊

 

chloe @chloephile

i take back what i said earlier. whatever in the name of everything holy happened ^^up there^^ is my new aesthetic

___

 

big pp @beterbarker

hour one without my nintendo: i don't feel so good

 

deez nuts @ahagottie

we believe in you peter

__

 

big pp @beterbarker

hour three without my nintendo: ned has never looked more appetising

 

gay in the chair @nedled

peter you're a literal town away from me

 

big pp @beterbarker

am i really though

 

gay in the chair @nedled

o-oh?

 

gay in the chair @nedled 

wait peter is that youdijoafsnwea

 

mother @dragonqueen

pete got to him before he could finish typing

___

 

big pp @beterbarker

hour six without my nintendo: i met a unicorn. his name was charlie. we played hide and seek.

 

stove @capsicle

I think????? That this?????? Has become?????? A matter??????? Of slight concern?????????

 

big pp @beterbarker

he also fed me captn crunch

 

big pp @beterbarker

the milk that was in the red cabinet tasted a bit weird though

 

may @mayparker

Peter that's the dish soap and bleach cabinet

 

big pp @beterbarker

i'm starting to feel like harry potter

 

 

big pp @beterbarker

alakazam sleep is a scam

 

big pp @beterbarker 

did it work

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

i don't think so love

 

big pp @beterbarker

imma need more of that magic juice

 

tony stank @tstank

i'm on my way

 

bucket @bornes

when tony is so stressed he forgets to capitalise his tweets, you know Shit just got Real

___

 

tony stank @tstank

His nintendo was under his fucking bed.

 

big pp @beterbarker

thank you so much dad!!!!!!! i have my nintendo back now!!!!!! i love you lots!!!!!!!!!

 

salt n pepper @VirginiaPotts

stop making my fiancé cry i need him for our wedding

 

big pp @beterbarker

i'm sorry pep :(

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Text

Hey everyone, sbiderwoman here.

I'm sorry to say that this is not an actual update, just a rant since I have nowhere else to post this on.

I've been thinking of this for a long time but the inspiration came in english class when we were reviewing a persuasive article written by a famous model. 

The topic was girls. Or, more specifically, what girls are expected to be.

Nowadays society has raised beauty standards incredibly high. Everyone views blue eyed blondies who's waists are smaller than their heads as the epitome of perfection. I'm not saying that they're ugly, I'm saying that they're not perfect. No one is. Just because a small amount of the human population has golden locks and a slim figure, doesn't mean they should be an example of what to be. Tons of girls will wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, stare at their stunning hazel eyes, or their curly dark brown hair, or their freckles and wish they were someone else. Not only is it exhausting to think that way, but it's also dangerous to try and change in order to fit in.

They will slowly start to dislike themselves, which will lead to trying harder. As long as you don't look perfect in the eyes of your friends, or peers, you're not satisfied, which makes you dislike yourself even more. It's a vicious cycle, really.

Everyone in the 21st century take pride in being skinny. Almost all of the models you will see on magazines will have teeny tiny waists. No matter how strong, intelligent, talented or funny you are, you will always be judged off of your looks.

Personally, I'm above the average weight for my age. All of my friends are extremely skinny, and however much I try not to feel  insecure, I still do. Whenever I look at any model, I can't help but feel ashamed of my body.

The worst part about people trying to look like the people in Vogue, is that they're not even real people. Not only do the models have tons of make up, put on by professional artists, but once the pictures are taken, they are retouched most of the time. The editors will make the model's waist even thinner, her eyes bigger, her skin smoother. The people on magazines aren't real people. They're paintings, modifications of an actual human. No matter how hard you try, you'll never look like them. Not because you're not pretty, or because you're not good enough, but because it's physically impossible to look like them.

Whenever you walk into a small newspaper shop, most magazines will have obscene stories about how some women lost 20 kilos in a week by completely starving themselves, or about how they finally got respected after they became skinny. It's not often you will see a woman writing about how they conquered an  illness, or how they made it through their rough childhood.

One of the most beautiful women ever is Marilyn Monroe. In all her pictures, she looks gorgeous, even if she's not skinny. By today's standards, she would be considered fat, which is obscene, as she is of normal size.

Anyways. What i meant was that, no matter your hair colour, skin colour, eye color, size, weight, height or clothing choice, you are beautiful.

And you deserve to know it.

Chapter Text

yes-raw me @wandahoe

alright ya'll just a warning peter is extremely pissed for some reason so please don't say anything that might trigger another rant

 

on my left @falcass

he already had three and that was before drinking his coffee

 

lara g @larva

may i ask what said rants were about

 

stove @capsicle

One was about gender equality, the second was about the bathroom's flickering lights, and the third one about how baboons are definitely gay because ' their behind is huge, there's no way they aren't attracted to other male baboons with huge bums'.

 

stove @capsicle

Only he didn't exactly use those words.

 

katie @shutthefuckup

can we all agree that peter is the single most wholesome thing ever

 

salt n pepper @VirginiaPotts

He really is.

___

guyinthechair- Ned Leeds

mjhatesyou- Michelle Jones

shuriken- Shuri

mercwithamouth- Wade Wilson

arachnopwr- Peter Parker

 

Super Duper Child Prodigies and a mercenary

arachnopwr- what did i do to deserve this

arachnopwr- i am DISGUSTED i am REVOLTED

arachnopwr- i dedicated my whole life to our lord and saviour jesus christ and tHIS IS THE THANKS I GET

shuriken- aren't you atheist

arachnopwr- 'tis a sad day when your friend calls you out on your bullshit

guyinthechair- you have a boyfriend go rant to him

arachnopwr added Harley Keener to the chat

arachnowr- and hARLEY'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND

arachnopwr- I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND

Harley Keener- does that mean i still stand a chance

mjhatesyou- i think you broke him

arachnopwr- i'm back and better than ever

arachnopwr- ya'll garden hoes aren't gonna get rid of me that easily

mercwithamouth- ding dong your opinion is wrong

shuriken- aw man

arachnopwr- >:0

mercwithamouth- anyways are you going to tell us what happened or-

arachnopwr- i am an imbecile

arachnopwr- a complete and utter buffoon

arachnopwr- i mixed my red shirts with my white shirts

guyinthechair- again?????

Harley Keener- this has happened before why am i not at all surprised

guyinthechair- tbh you look kinda good with pink ngl

arachnopwr- wow bro thank you bro <3

mjhatesyou changed guyinthechair's name to gay in the chair

gay in the chair- wow really

gay in the chair- i am DISGUSTED i am REVOLTED i dedicate my life to our lord and saviour jesus christ and this is the thanks i get

shuriken- peter already used that one you mouldy donut

arachnopwr- i also cut my own hair off because i lack impulse control

mercwithamouth- fuck yeah baby boy

mjhatesyou- send pics

arachnopwr-no

gay in the chair- please peter?

arachnopwr- nononononononononononononnO

Harley Keener- please????

arachnopwr- ,,,fine

mjhatesyou- oh wow ok i see how it is

mjhatesyou changed Harley Keener's name to peter's favourite

mjhates you changed archngopwr's name to betrayal

mercwithamouth- it just be like that sometimes

betrayal- [pictures.exe]

betrayal- if any of you fuckers say anything about my haircut I will murder you in cold blood. do I know what that means? no. why do I use it? because it sounds rad as fuck.

peter's favourite- you don't even look that bad

mercwithamouth- what pretty boy said

peter's favourite- you look kinda cute

betrayal- skjsddksjk

gay in the chair- he just threw himself off the balcony

peter's favourite- alright i actually don't know who you fuckers are so how about you tell me before i call the police on peter for child endangerment 

shuriken- sweetie you live in alabama what the fuck u gonna do

peter's favourite- rose hill, tennessee, actually.

shuriken- i'm shuri, by the way, but you can call me badass bitch or mistress

peter's favourite- that's hella kinky i love it

mjhatesyou- stop trying to steal my girlfriend

peter's favourite- sorry mj

mjhatesyou- i think i'll find it in myself to forgive you just this once.

gay in the chair- what about the whole 'only my friends call me mj' spiel

mjhatesyou- he is a friend

gay in the chair-,,,,,, wow

gay in the chair- i am: Betrayed

gay in the chair- it took me and peter mONTHS TO EARN THAT RIGHT 

mjhatesyou- your point

gay in the chair- my name is ned and i don't like you

peter's favourite- yea well the joke's on you you'll never not like me as much as i hate myself

gay in the chair- i changed my mind i love you and i shall protect you with my life

mercwithamouth- my name is wade and i love everyone

betrayal- wow i jump off the balcony and 1) no one bothers to look after me to see if i'm ok 2) you all have replaced me with harley during the ten minutes in which i've been gone and 3)how is harley supposed to become my boyfriend if y'all keep stealing him away from me

gay in the chair- don't let that fool you deep down you're still everyone's favourite

peter's favourite- and what's that i hear about me being your boyfriend

betrayal- i am Suddenly jared, 19

peter's favourite- peter answer my question

shuriken- he's too much of a coward 

betrayal- you didn't seem to think that when you had chicken ramen noodles up your ass

peter's favourite- does that mean you'll answer my question????

betrayal- oh wow would you look at the time gotta blast

shuriken- blocked.

___

harley <3- a week and i'll be over there

petey <3- just a week

harley <3- a week

petey <3- i can't wait :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Text

AcaDoku Fam

peterparkour changed peterparkour's name to  stronk

stronk changed needleed's name to geek.io

stronk changed fasterthansanic's boneless weank

stronk changed abeabeabe's name to prickly (l)oaf

stronk changed salsaconqueso's name to soup

stronk changed mj's name to mistress teresa 

stronk added Seymour to the chat

stronk changed Seymour's name to simbaHoe

stronk added Jason to the chat

stronk changed Jason's name to sporky

stronk added Betty to the chat

stronk changed Betty's name to tally hoe

stronk- lmao 420 blaze it

boneless weank- on a scale of 1 to 10 how high is he rn

stronk- uhhhhh prolly a solid 3.14

sporky- i love how you walk in on y'all practicing and you gays are serious af but then peter pulls this shit and adds me to this chat and i just-

stronk- wELCOME TRAVELERS

stronk- to our hUMBLE ABODE make yourself at home we have the closeted gays (tm) on your left and the vegan hippies (tm) on your right

stronk- don't forget the insane sociopaths (tm) they're always behind you bcs they want to creep up on you and slit your throat

tally hoe- peter benjamin parker

tally hoe- what the f u c k

stronk- tally hoe tally hoe and uP THE HILLS WE GO

tally hoe- i'm,,,,,

mistress teresa- it's 4:21 peter ffs go to sleep 

stronk- no you can't tell me what to do

mistress teresa- excusez moi

stronk- oh god oh fuck i'm sorry i defied your direct orders mistress teresa blease don't hurt me ill go to sleep

mistress teresa- damn straight

simbaHoe- did you just accuse peter of being straight

mistress teresa- just,,,,, go to sleep before i make you

simbaHoe- yes ma'am

___

stronk- let's get this bread fam✧・゚: *✧・゚:*( ͡ꈍ ͜ʖ̫ ͡ꈍ )*:・゚✧*:・゚✧

soup- let's yeet this wheat

stronk- hey this is 911 we'd like to know your location

prickly (l)oaf- why did you change my name to this

stronk- ok so remember that one time when we went to that farm and you saw that piece of wood and thought it was bread

stronk- and you just picked it up and got blisters in your hand

stronk- so yeah prickly because blisters and (l)oaf because bread and you're a dumbass

prickly (l)oaf- ok rude

soup- what about my name i don't get it

stronk- just because you spilt your fucking soup on me sally

moon moon- who knew peter b parker was a petty little bitch

geek.io- literally everyone

geek.io- like this one time i said i preferred captain america over iron man and he just

geek.io- picked up my english assignment

geek.io- which i had taken tHREE DAYS TO FINISH mind you

geek.io- crumpled it up and fucking ate it

stronk- in my defence the whole essay was literally about how great cap was

stronk- we can't have you spread all that slander now could we

simbaHoe- what do you have against captain america though

stronk- i don't have anything against him, per se

mistress teresa- hm

tally hoe- hm

sporky- hm

geek.io- hm

moon moon- hm

boneless weank- hm

prickly loaf- hm

soup- hm

Mr Harrington sir- hm

stronk- oh wow mr harrington this is favouritism 

simbaHoe- whoa that's i l l e g a l

stronk- yeah i'm gonna have to call the police

moon moon- i sometimes forget that we have a teacher in this chat

Mr Harrington sir- The only reason why I'm in this chat is to make sure you guys don't secretly plan a mass school shooting.

stronk- oh no mr harrington don't worry 

boneless weank- no we have the other chat for that

Mr Harrington sir- What.

stronk- whoa that's illegal t o o

Mr Harrington sir- I need a drink.

stronk- mY PIZZA HASN'T ARRIVED YET AND I ORDERED IT HALF AN HOUR AGO

soup- why are you ordering pizza at 7 am in the morning

stronk- i dunno why did you spill soup on me

stronk- sTOP IT I'M NOT EVEN SORRY FOR YOU I'M SORRY FOR THE SOUP

soup- that looked like a hella good soup

simbaHoe- the soup was a greenish brown 

simbaHoe-the only way your soup would look good would be in the trash

boneless weank- which it was, in a way

stronk- you're so meen to me :(

mistress teresa- your pizza isn't arriving because it's 7 am in the morning

stronk- blasphemy

boneless weank- also why is my name boneless weank

stronk- because you're wEAK

boneless weank- is this because i refused to binge watch all the star war movies with you

stronk- maybe so

boneless weank- it would take 22 hours and 40 minutes to watch all of them 

stronk- sleep is for the weak 

stronk- and because of this meme i founderino:

stronk- https://knowyourmeme.com/photos/1333663-skeletons

boneless weank- yeah well unlike some people eyes emoji eyes emoji i don't stay up for hours straights looking at memes

moon moon- gASP 

prickly (l)oaf- who do you tAKE him for 

sporky- yeah he obviously stays up for hours straight watching vines 

stronk- as much as i appreciate the vote of confidence i don't think this is helping much

geek.io- i don't think it was meant to

soup- and i oop-

stronk- oh wow everyone hates me guess i'll just 

stronk- jump off of stark tower

moon moon- no pete don't do that

moon moon- don't joke around with that it's not funny

moon moon- imagine the bad publicity it'll give SI

a̶̛̘̼̰̰̲̓̓͌́̾͠ͅͅȗ̸̺͕̤̂̅͛t̷̥̀ḫ̶̛̤̹̘̤͛͋͊ȏ̸̯͍̤͖̼͂̾͛̅r̵͎̻̤͖̎̇ added tony fucking stark to the chat

tony fucking stark- i heard something about a certain peter benjamin parker wanting to jump off of my tower

stronk- mr stark no

tony fucking stark- if you try to kill yourself i will find your soul in the deepest cycle of hell and haul your ass back to the land of the living by the ear

tony fucking stark- understood mister

stronk- over my cold dead body

tony fucking stark- bold of you to assume i'm ever letting you die

tony fucking stark- same goes for all of you, if you ever feel like killing yourself, call the suicide prevention hotline, etc

tony fucking stark left the chat

stronk- i will skewer him

prickly (l)oaf- so,,,,,,,, that just happened

geek.io- he's such an irondad

stronk- ned no not again

prickly (l)oaf- irondad

mistress teresa- irondad

soup- irondad

moon moon- irondad

simbaHoe- irondad

sporky- irondad

boneless weank- irondad

tally hoe- irondad

stronk changed geek.io's name to traitor

traitor- worth it

___

tally hoe- so are we going to just ignore how some creepy dude named author added tony stark in our group chat or????

a̶̛̘̼̰̰̲̓̓͌́̾͠ͅͅȗ̸̺͕̤̂̅͛t̷̥̀ḫ̶̛̤̹̘̤͛͋͊ȏ̸̯͍̤͖̼͂̾͛̅r̵͎̻̤͖̎̇- yEs wE arE

tally hoe- oH OK ALRIGHT THEN NO PROBLEM AUTHOR PERSON MA'AM SIR AHAHAHAHHAHAAHAH

 

Chapter Text

peetpeet- Peter Parker (enters gc later)

blackwindow- Natasha Romanov

smolgreenbean- Bruce Banner

tincannot- Tony Stark

capmurica- Steve Rogers

metalarmedgay- James Barnes

scarletyeet- Wanda Maximoff

cawcawmf- Clint Barton

birdbutt- Sam Wilson

ishurihopeitdoes- Shuri

snekysnek- Loki Laufeyson

sparky- Thor Odinson

uwuowouwu- Wade Wilson

daddylanglegs- Scott Lang

just stick to the cards- James Rhodes

 

Heroes with a heart

peetpeet changed blackwindow's name to i can't believe you've done this

i can't believe you've done this- what did i do??????

peetpeet- my whole life has been a lie

i can't believe you've done this changed peetpeet's name to dramatic bitch

dramatic bitch- uHM EXCUSE YOU I AM NOT A DRAMATIC BITCH

scarletyeet- i mean,,,,,,

dramatic bitch- nO YOU WOULD REACT THE SAME IF YOU KNEW

i can't believe you've done this- knew what

dramatic bitch- aBOUT BUDAPEST

cawcawmf- Oh my fuck no he found out.

tincannot- tell us what happened or i'm removing your lab privileges

i can't believe you've done this- don't you fucking dare

dramatic bitch- sorry mr stark but i'd like to stay alive until season two of umbrella academy comes out

tincannot- tell me or i'm taking away your suit

dramatic bitch- cause that worked fine last time

daddylanglegs- hashtag irondad

tincannot- fine then,,,, nO HARLEY UNLESS YOU TELL ME

dramatic bitch- wAIT NO BLEASE

ishurihopeitdoes- oh shit he got you there

metalarmedgay- I will have to ask you gays if you can stop swearing because Mr Fine Ass over there finna bust a nerve.

tincannot renamed metalarmedgay to barbie wannabe

tincannot- you know it's true 

barbie wannabe- i :)) will :)) skin :)) you :)) alive :))

tincannot- well fuck me gently with a chainsaw

snekysnek- did Tony 'AC/DC Hardcore Fan' Stark just make a Heathers ref or is death finally claiming me

snekysnek- because if she is i'd like to thank her this is the proudest moment of my career

snekysnek- i can finally die happy :'''')

smolgreenbean- Aren't you 17 years old in human years?

snekysnek- details.

tincannot- so will you tell us or do i show harley my 'peter singing disney songs in the shower' collection?

dramatic bitch- you wouldn't

tincannot- bet.

 

 

harley<3     > petey <3

 

petey <3- in order to avoid a terminal case of embarrassment i am forced to spill the tea on nat and clint

petey <3- if i'm dead i'd like you to know it's nat and tony's fault

harley <3- bold of you to assume i'm letting you die

petey <3- stop it

petey <3- stop being cute

harley <3- no<33333

petey <3- akjsjksadksajlaskdlsakld

 

Heroes with a Heart

 

dramatic bitch- sorry nat please kill me quickly

i can't believe you've done this- peter you dICK

dramatic bitch- nothing ever happened in budapest

dramatic bitch- they say it like it's some big secret but they're secretly fucking with us

dramatic bitch- now for my will and testament i give my everything to my four friends ned shuri harley and mj

dramatic bitch- i pass spiderman onto miles morales, a smol middle schooler whom i tutor and love very much

dramatic bitch- if i don't live to see another day tell harley keener that i'm sorry i couldn't meet him in person because let me tell you he is one fine piece of ass

dramatic bitch- on second thought only tell him the first part 

dramatic bitch- i would also like to say that anthony stark is a little piece of shit and he's the reason why i died

dramatic bitch- goodbye cruel worjewihu910r8efh2bqioiju9 42m¨po

birdbutt- how the fuck does he type so fast

cawcawmf- nat got to him before he could finish

smolgreenbean- you fuckers did you actually

daddylanglegs- i,,,, need to sit down

uwuowouwu- i'd like to say i saw it coming but even the author hadn't thought about the possibility until this morning

barbie wannabe- fuck you clint sam's my new second favourite

tincannot- cap's the first

barbie wannabe- pfft no peter is

tincannot- wait i just saw the thing

tincannot- guys what the actual fuck

tincannot- i'm this fucking close to kicking you out of my tower

capmurica- fUCKING LANGUAGE

ishurihopeitdoes- oof sister snapped

dramatic bitch renamed capmurica to sister sMAPPED

ishurihopeitdoes- i should have left you on that street corner where you were standing

dramatic bitch- but you dIDN'T

snekysnek- aw man he's alive

i can't believe you've done this- not for long

sparky- I wasn't aware we had another resident in your tower, Man of Iron!

sister sMAPPED- We don't????

sparky- That is indeed bizarre. I could have sworn I heard a young girl screech in the vicinity.

just stick to the cards- that was tony

tincannot- yeah well what would you do if you saw a master assassin threatening your son

just stick to the cards- son eh

tincannot- i came out to have a good time and i'm honestly feeling so attacked right now

cawcawmf- who the fuck taught him that

scarletyeet- did he just-

snekysnek- my wig: fucking snatched

ishurihopeitdoes- unsubscribe

 

 

Chapter Text

big pp @beterbarker

DING DONG IT'S PRIDE MONTH MOTHERFLUFFERS TIME TO OPEN YOUR THIRD EYE AND BE GAY AND CUTE AND DISGUSTING ON MAIN WHOOP WHOOP

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

i'd like to snatch this occasion to tell you all that i am extremely gay for @beterbarker

 

>big pp @beterbarker

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

gay in the chair @nedled

i really felt that gay panic

 

__

sally @lafayette

cindy @moonmoon will you be my girlf riend

 

sailor @moonmoon

omg yes i will be your girlf riend

 

big pp @beterbarker

*snif snif* is that a bE MORE CHILL REF i sMELL????

 

 

abraham @(crack)er

*rings bell* that is correct

 

big pp @beterbarker

god hasn't abandoned this timeline after all

 

salty peppery @ppotts

i was summoned

 

big pp @beterbarker

@ppotts IASJDKJASKDJKSJASHJIAKAD

 

mj @dumbgaybitch

@beterbarker @ppotts i mean she's not wrong?

 

salty peppery @ppotts 

thank you michelle

 

big pp @beterbarker

two of the most powerful women in the universe teamed up oh my god no

 

may @mayp

they're not alone

 

crull danvers @cptnmrvl

we joined forces long ago

 

i'm multitasking @leblackwidow

we have an official group chat

 

okoyeah @badassbitch

our first goal is to make sure @beterbarker stops doing stupid shit that will put him in imminent danger and eventually lead to his inevitable death. 

 

salty peppery @ppotts

then we move on to world domination

 

yee-raw me @wandahoe

why am i not on the chat :((((

 

i'm multitasking @leblackwidow

hold on babe i'll add you

 

big pp @beterbarker

i am: afraid

 

deadpp @waterofdeath

i think they started phase 4 of marvel

 

tony stank @tstank

????????????????What?????

 

mr lee @excelsior

young mr wilson is right, fellows!

 

deadpp @waterofdeath

aren't you supposed to be dead

 

mr lee @excelsior

i will forever live on in the heart of the fandom

 

emmy @wishinajar

i don't know what in the worm happened up there but i'm Here for it.

___

 Abbie @abbiek

since this is pride month i'd like to take a second to talk about the gay disaster my brother is

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

shut up shut up shuT UP

 

Abbie @abbiek

he's literally head over heels over @beterbarker and they've never even met?

 

big pp @beterbarker

sajskdashkjahdsjkasdjashksads

 

Abbie @abbiek

he doesn't even know how he looks like even though he's visiting tomorrow

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

abbie you absolute bitch i hope you like hospital food

 

Abbie @abbiek

don't even try to brandon rogers me this is revenge for lila

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

bUT YOU'RE TOGETHER NOW SHOULD'T I BE THANKED?

 

lila @bestbartonkid

he has a point babe

 

Abbie @abbiek

@bestbartonkid shut up and come cuddle me

 

lila @bestbartonkid

i'm on the jet

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

in my defence peter radiates twink essence

 

big pp @beterbarker

hnnnng harley

 

gay in the chair @nedled

i did not need to see that let me entertain the thought that peter is still an innocent little boy please

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

no

 

tony stank @tstank

And i oop-

___

 

 

inspiration @Emerald_Break

ok so are we going to blatantly ignore the fact that Anthony Stark can apparently meme?

 

tony stank @tstank

yes

 

inspiration @Emerald_Break

ASJKAJKSDHAJSKDHKASJD HOLY SHIT I DID OT EXPECT YOU TO REPLY 

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

yes old man please do tell us

 

tony stank @tstank

No

 

big pp @beterbarker

no rhodey until you tell us

 

exasperated @rhoady

i never agreed to this

 

salty peppery @ppotts

no, i'm pretty sure you did

 

exasperated @rhoady

i wholeheartedly agreed

 

tony stank @tstank

Keanu Reeves when his wife betrays him in favour of his son: Keanu grieves

 

salty peppery @ppotts

you gotta do what you gotta do

 

tony stank @tstank

This house is a fucking nightmare.

 

inspiration @Emerald_Break

sEE THERE IT IS AGAIN

 

tony stank @tstank

Of course I know how to meme, you guys. I basically invented the internet.

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

,,,,,,,i'm sorry you what

 

shuri @vinedaddy

you just raised my respect towards old white men the tiniest bit

 

salty peppery @ppotts 

why did i not know this??

 

big pp @beterbarker

@tstank explain?

 

tony stank @tstank

no

___

 

harley <3      > petey <3

 

harley<3- oMGSJDGHAJKSHGHJ I'M COMING TMRWE DSII IM SO EXCITED IJAKWHSFKAJSJHK

petey<3- AKJDDJFHUSGHDJOPQFEUHABJKNLOEWHJVDBAKJBKDVNHU OMG YOU ARE SAIOHJKIODFSE 

harley<3- i actually literally can't wait

petey<3- me neither :'))))))))

harley<3- are you gonna show me your pretty face or do i have to wait until tomorrow

petey<3- i'll spare you you have one more day of blissful ignorance before your whole world comes crashing down

harley<3- oh come on you can't be that bad

petey<3- pfft 

petey<3- you'll see

harley<3- i guess i will ;)

petey<3- i guess you will :)

Chapter Text

AJSKHDAKSJDKSADKJASDKJSAHJKDHAJSKDHJKASHDJKASHJKDHJAKHDJKSFHDJKSHGFHJKHSAAHUKJEHWQUAIJDSHFKAJSHFIAHJFUIAKJHF

That was what was what was currently going on inside of Harley Keener's head.

Him and his sister, Abby, were on a plane mere hours away from the most beautiful, caring, smart, funny, brave and kind person to have ever set foot on this planet.

Oh, and Tony Stark, too.

But, what- what if he doesn't like me? What if he fell for the Harley he met trough the internet and not the pathetic gay kid from Middle o' Nowhere? What if I'm not what he's expecting? What if, once he actually gets to know me, he hates me? What if-

''Harley'' Abby's calculating eyes softened quickly once she saw how distressed he looked. ''Stop hyperventilating. I can practically feel your gay panic from where I am.''

''Whatever'' he muttered, too nervous to be able to form a proper sentence.

Abby raised her eyebrows, narrowing her eyes at her brother. ''Who are you? You can't be Harley Keener. My Harley Keener does never, ever say one word sentences. I'm pretty sure he's incapable of it.''

''Shut up'' he grumbled. She poked him in the cheek, laughing openly when he glared half heartedly at her.

His sister was the kind of person that had an infectious laugh, so he found himself chuckling along with her.

''No but really'' she started again, growing serious once more. ''You, Harley Keener, are amazing. And if he doesn't see that then it's his loss entirely.''

''Thanks, Abs'' he answered, shooting her a half smile.

''There you go'' she smiled brightly and pinched his cheek. ''That's better. Now, how about we play Go Fish until we get there, in what i'm pretty sure will be a failed attempt at calming your nerves down?''

As it turns out, Abby was right. His nerves only increased, which only resulted into Abby smacking his head because he was nervously chewing on the cards. He tried eating, sleeping, watching Umbrella Academy on Netflix but nothing could appease him. Finally, the jet slowed down as they approached the landing area.

Harley turned to his sleeping sister who was drooling on his shoulder and shook her gently.

''Abs''

Nothing.

He shook her again, a little more forcefully this time.

''Abs, we're here''

Still nothing.

Suddenly, his lips twitched upwards in a mischievous smile. He knew just what to do to get her to wake up.

He got up gently so as to not wake her up and tiptoed to the storage closet. He didn't even know private jets have storage closets, but rules don't apply to Tony Stark so he didn't really question it.

His eyes lit up as he found what he was looking for. He grabbed it and ran back to where his unsuspecting sister was sleeping.

Thank god no one else was on that plane. For once, he was truly thankful to have a billionaire in his debt.

Turning on the megaphone, he leaned in and brought it to his lips, before all but yelling:

''ABBY! WE'RE 'BOUT TO LAND''

This is where things started taking a slight turn.

Instead of surprising her, which is what he hoped would happen, she shot up and started screaming.

And in the process, she punched him square in the eye.

He fell back with a loud 'oof'. Both of them sat back for a moment, stunned, before Abby broke the silence by cackling.

The disrespect, Harley thought, glaring at the shaking figure.

''I can't- I can't believe that just- just happened'' she gasped out between her fit of giggles.

''You're such a dumbass, Harley, honestly.'' She said once she had recomposed herself.

And then the doors opened. 

___

 

Abby walked out first, looking ten times more confident than Harley felt. But it was normal, that was just the Keener charm. The one Harley mastered on normal days, when he couldn't see possibly the cutest human ever from where he was standing. Taking a deep breath, Harley started climbing down the stairs.

He had barely made it onto the ground when a blur of brown and yellow ran up to him and hugged him. From behind the mystery person's shoulder, he could make out the figures of the mechanic and his little sister talking together animatedly.

The mystery guy smelt like lemon with a hint of cinnamon.

Suddenly, just as quick as he had hugged him, he let go. He was about to ask him who he was when he got a good look at him and sweet baby Jesus, if this was who he thought it was, he was fucked.

Completely and utterly fucked.

The boy had the fluffiest brown he had ever seen in his life and huge brown doe eyes. He had milky, smooth skin and dimples. His jawline, Jesus fucking Christ his jawline. He had the jawline of a god. 

''P-Peter?'' he heard himself say, hating how his voice cracked.

''Yep. That's- uh, that's me.'' replied Peter, a faint blush coating his cheeks. And despite hearing his voice multiple times on voice chats, his soft voice almost sent Harley spiralling into madness.

Peter was 5'9 to his 6'1, so he looked up at Harley through his long, fluttery eyelashes and nervously bit his lip, unknowingly making Harley cry to the heavens on the inside.

Stop. Stop doing that. I swear to god, it's taking all of my willpower for me not to jump you right here, right now. Someone please take me away before I faint-

''Ah! Harley!'' Came a cocky voice from behind. ''I see you've finally met Peter''

Harley could practically feel the smirk in the billionaire's voice. He turned around to glare at him, only to find his sister was sporting the same expression.

Betrayal.

Eventually, after an awkward silence, he decided to take control of the situation and be the mature young man he is.

''Come on, Pete'' he said, turning around and dragging him along by the hand. ''Show me where I have to go, as your dad seems to be kinda rusty.''

Ignoring they indignant hey! from behind them, Peter spluttered. ''He- wha- he's not my dad''

''Sure, darlin'. Whatever your pretty little brain wants to think''

He turned to look back at his sister log enough to see her making the whipping gesture with her hand.

He flipped her off.

She wasn't exactly wrong, but no one had to know that.

Chapter Text

 

stronk- Peter 

traitor- Ned

boneless weank- Flash 

prickly (l)oaf- Abe

soup- Sally

mistress teresa- MJ

simbaHoe- Seymour

sporky- Jason

tally hoe- Betty

moon moon- Cindy

Mr Harrington sir- Mr Harrington

---

stronk- mee,, bib gae

moon moon- me,,, lesbiab

traitor- lmao we done been knew

sporky- eheheh i have an idea

sporky changed Mr Harrington sir's name to Mr Ringtone

Mr Ringtone left the chat

tally hoe- aND I OOP-

simbaHoe- he's finally had enough of your bullshit

mistress teresa- woah it's been a full minute and flash hasn't made some snide remark 

prickly (l)oaf- that's because mr crow is tearing him a new asshole for juuling in the bathrooms

stronk- i have never wished to be someone else this much

traitor- bro your boyfriend from tennessee came over you have got to stop drooling every time our physics teacher crosses his arms

stronk- listen here i never asked to be called out like this

stronk- also

stronk- have you seen the way his muscles fLEX 

soup- lmao gay

stronk- and besides he's taking a shower and preparing his room rn i won't see him again until tomorrow :(((

tally hoe- he was juuling in the bathrooms without me

moon moon- since when do you juul

tally hoe- since before your mom fucked your dad you egg

sporky- woah who pissed in ylulr cereal

stronk- ylurl

sporky- stfu you jimmy neutron reject

traitor- peter don't scroll up your virgin eyes shouldn't be allowed to see this shit

stronk- lmao virgin

mistress teresa- wait

soup- are you,,,,, not a virgin??

stronk- no??????? did you guys not know?????????

prickly (l)oaf- my whole life has been a lie wtf

moon moon- tea

traitor- who was it

stronk- sorry i can't hear you i have my airpots in

prickly (l)oaf- airpots

stronk- die

stronk- don't actually die tat wouldn't be good

prickly (l)oaf- tat

stronk- nvm die

sporky- peter that's,,, not how it works

stronk- i don't follow rules, i make them. and when necessary, i break them

traitor- oH NO YOU DON'T

mistress teresa- you won't riverdale your way out of this one partner 

traitor- peter come back here right the fuck now before i break into your house and eat your blender

traitor- peter

stronk- bold of you to assume i can afford a blender

traitor- pETER

___

 

 

 

birb- Sam

sparky- Thor

tincannot- Tony

snekysnek- Loki

cawcawmf- Clint

scarletyeet- Wanda

owouwuowo- Wade

daddylanglegs- Scott

dramatic bitch- Peter

sister sMAPPED- Steve

smolgreenbean- Bruce

barbie wannabe- Bucky

ishurihopeitdoes-  Shuri

just stick to the cards- Rhodey

i can't believe you've done this- Natasha

 

 

 

Heroes with a Heart

dramatic bitch- i may or may not have accidentally come out to my gc as a non virgin

dramatic bitch- wAIT NO WRONG CHAT 

dramatic bitch deleted (2) messages

dramatic bitch- why does this shit always happen to me

i can't believe you've done this- i'm sorry you're a fucking what now

dramatic bitch- out of everyone in this chat you just had to be the one to see it

dramatic bitch- God has truly abandoned us

tincannot- No I'm still here.

tincannot- Anywhore what happened to our dearest Petey pie

dramatic bitch- don't you do it

i can't believe you've done this- this is for budapest

dramatic bitch- plEASE NO IM SORRY

i can't believe you've don't this- peter is apparently not a virgin

ishurihopeitdoes- lmao pete you done fucked up

snekysnek- lmao pete you done fucked up

ishurihopeitdoes- omg bro

snekysnek- omg bro

ishurihopeitdoes- sjadhasjkh im love yiou

snekysnek- sjadhasjkh im love yiou

dramatic bitch- wtf how is that even possible

scarletyeet- ahhahhaha pete you dumbass

owouwuowo- seconded

sister sMAPPED- Ok first of all language and second of all

sister sMAPPED- YOU KNEW AND YOU DIDN'T TELL US!?

barbie wannabe- i definitely did not see that coming

barbie wannabe- oohohohoho i most dEFINITELY DID NOT SEE THAT COMING

dramatic bitch- don't,,,,,,, tell harley? please?

tincannot- i'll think about it

sister sMAPPED- So who was it, son.

dramatic bitch- ok first of all i'm not your son and second of all who was what

sister sMAPPED- Who did you... do the fondue with

just stick to the cards- ROGERS WJKAJHDSKSF

daddylanglegs- ''d o  t h e  f o n d u e''

birb- Steve, my bro, my dude, I don't know how to say this but..

birb- We're in the twenty first century now.

cawcawmf- ok but like fr though who was it

dramatic bitch- nO ONE

sparky- I BELIEVE IT WAS THE YOUNG HARRY OF OSBORN

dramatic bitch- tHOR I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENTIALITY 

sparky- I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THAT WORD, AND THEREFORE IT IS MEANINGLESS

dramatic bitch- i'm eating all your poptarts

sparky- :(

dramatic bitch- and the cabinets they're being held in

sparky- :((

tincannot- You did the fondue with hARRY FUCKING OSBORN

tincannot- You're out of my will

tincannot- I have been betrayed by the one I saw as a son

dramatic bitch- :(((

smolgreenbean- Why do you not like him, Tones?  met him once, he seemed pretty pleasant.

tincannot- Top Ten Anime Betrayals

dramatic bitch- sahjkdh cHOKE

_____

 

harley<3     > petey <3

harley<3- hey so i'm sorry i wasn't free today

petey<3- no worries! it's totally fine

harley<3- nah, i basically came here to spend some time with ym favourite web slinger

petey<3- ym

harley<3- you're lucky you're cute, parker

harley<3- anyways, i was wondering if we could go out for lunch tomorrow? maybe you could show me around?

petey<3- sure! that sounds awesome!

harley<3- great!<3 thanks

petey<3- gotta go patrol, but i'll see you? tomorrow? right?

harley<3- g'night, dork

harley<3- don't die before our first date

petey<3- wait, date?

petey<3- harley?

petey<3- kEEJER

harley<3- keejer

petey<3- :(

harley<3- and yeah, date. unless you don't want it to be a date! which would be totally fine, by the way. no pressure or anything.

petey<3- date

harley<3- oh, ok. see you tomorrow then

harley<3- <3

petey<3- <3

 

Chapter Text

spider can @sbiderman

Karen text Mr Stark 

 

spider can @sbiderman

WHAT DO YOU MEAN TWEET SENT

 

tony stank @tstank

Kid.

 

spider can @sbiderman

Mr Stark!!!!!! Hi!!!!!!

 

tony stank @tstank

What did you do

 

spider can @tstank

why must you immediately assume I’ve done something

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

because it’s your brand

 

spider can @sbiderman

aw bless

 

tony stank @tstank 

Are you in trouble? Are you hurt?

 

inspiration @Emerald_Break

#irondad

 

spider can @sbiderman 

no!!!!! I’m 100% absolutely irrevocably fine!!!!

 

mj @dumbgaybitch

look at you, using your big boy words

 

mj @dumbgaybitch

incorrectly, might I add

 

spider can @sbiderman

this is panphobia

 

abraham @(crack)er

SPIDER-MAN SAID GAY RIGHTS

 

whatta great time to be @babey

what a legend

___

 

spider can @sbiderman

in other news i just found out my blood is blue

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

I just felt my blood run cold

 

tony stank @tstank

and how, pray tell, did you find that out?

 

spider can @sbiderman

i may have been lightly stabbed and now I may be lightly bleeding out on the sidewalk

 

tony stank @sbiderman

KID

 

spider can @spidey 

only lightly though!!!!!

___

 

tony stank @tstank

Spidey is doing fine, guys. He probably won’t be patrolling today. On a completely unrelated note, @beterbarker got high off of painkillers whilst visiting Spidey and now we can’t find him, so be ready for some really confusing tweets.

 

big pp @beterbarker

wgere you talking aboyt me

 

tony stank @tstank

Absolutely not. Where are you?

 

big pp @beterbarker

immmmmm partying wjth charlie the hnicorn

 

samm.e @birb

oh god no not tHIS SHIT AGAIN-

*****

 

emmy @wishinajar

hey @beterbarker are you gonna go raid Area 51 with us

 

big pp @beterbarker

yesss!!!!! I want a big alien fremd to prottec me

 

big pp @beterbarker

but no kissy thiu becs I liek hrley

 

big pp @beterbarker

hes big tall musel hot man 

 

shuree @bestdisneyprincess

you mean muscle 

 

big pp @beterbarker

yes that

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

EYE-

 

nedDIE @gitc

jinkies.

*****

 

big pp @beterbarker

gAYS

 

yee-raw me @wandahoe

present

 

big pp @beterbarker

MY NAEM

 

nedDIE @gitc

take your time pete

 

big pp @beterbarker

iT SPELS OT PP

 

tony stank @beterbarker

I just heard hysterical laughter we’re coming for you. 

 

big pp @beterbarker

remove me from my sanctuary and I will vore you

 

big pp @beterbarker

the gods have trusted me with their secrets I  w i l l  n o t  l e t  t h e m  d o w n

 

best birb @blintcarton

what does that mean I’m s h a k i n g

 

big pp @beterbarker

that just means your skeleton is ready to hatch

 

tony stank @tstank

I found him.

 

tony stank @tstank

He was in the fucking fridge.

 

tony stank @tstank

He passed out on me.

 

flash @spideystan

he was,,,,, in the fridge???

 

tony stank @tstank 

Yes.

*****

 

Heroes With A Heart

 

tincannot- [picture of Peter unconscious on a hospital bed with Harley cuddled up besides him]

tincannot- in front of my salad too I can’t believe it

*****

 

emmy @wishinajar

doesnt anyone else find it weird that @beterbarker was high on painkillers during the time Spidey was hospitalized?

 

[this tweet was deleted]

 

emmy @wishinajar

holy shit

Chapter Text

heyoooo guys!!!

im so sorry for updating this late. 

tbh it’s kind of hard for me to make up ideas for this fic. 

i also probably won’t be posting a s  o f t e n during the holidays because my charger broke and I write way more efficiently with my laptop (or until I buy a new charger) but I’ll still try to write a chapter or two.

i was also thinking about starting a Middle Ages parkner au? just an idea. let me know what you guys think!

that really all I wanted to say. sorry for the long wait!

 

also something else 

it’s completely unrelated but I didn’t want to write an AN right after an AN.

PLEASE!!! SEPARATE!!! YOUR PARAGRAPHS!!!!

im not saying this so be rude or mean and if this offends you I’m sorry.

i don’t care if English isn’t your first language. I don’t care if you wrote the story at 4am in the morning whilst eating space cakes. I’ll read the story anyways, and as long as it isn’t outrageously boring or outright scandalous I’ll leave a kudos and drop a comment. you don’t have to be fluent to be talented! 

but let me tell you, when I click an a story that sounds NICE and FUN and i see just

a CHUNK OF WRITING that’s 50 LINES LONG for the FIRST CHAPTER

i immediately click out of the story.

i just can’t! it stresses me out! I hate it!

PLEASE, PEOPLE. STRUCTURE YOUR PARAGRAPHS.

 

mucho love,

-sbidey

Chapter Text

When Harley said he felt his blood run cold, he wasn't kidding. The moment he read that tweet his heart started beating erratically. Never have 11 words been more confusing and concerning, ever (except for maybe ''Harley, sweetie, your father left to buy scratchers two years ago''). As soon as he heard about the stab wound, he rushed to the med bay faster than humanly possible.

He arrived just in time to see Spider-Man- no, Peter's bloody, unconscious body being dragged to one of the spare beds on a stretcher, a distressed Tony following not too far behind. Without wasting any time, he marched up to Tony.

''-Tony! Tony, oh my fuck, thank god. Is he ok? Will he heal? He'll be ok, right? Please, please tell me he'll be ok, Tony-''

He was cut off by Tony's arms encasing him and stroking his hair gently.

''He'll be ok, Hars'' he murmured, his voice slightly muffled by the younger's hair. ''I promise''

They stayed like that for a moment before Tony made a move to leave.

''Where are you going?'' he asked, his voice wavering.

Something dark passed over Tony's eyes, before he replied in a stony voice.

''The bastard that did this to him got away.''

Harley's eyes darkened.

''Give him hell, Tony''

'Oh, if only you knew'  Tony thought.

*****

 

After Tony left, Harley turned to where Peter's bed was covered by curtains. He slowly made his way over there and pulled them open, to reveal his best friend's (who he happened to have an immense crush on) body hooked up to various tubes linked to a heart monitor beeping steadily. He made his way to one of the cheap plastic chairs on the side of his bed and sat down.

He made to grab Peter's hands, gently stroking the bruised knuckles with his calloused thumb. Of course he had known about Peter being Spider-Man, and he thought he was prepared, he really did. But when he came face to face with proof that Spider-Man wasn't invincible, he was a real person under the mask- (not just any real person- Peter ), he had to admit that nothing could have prepared him for that. 

God, how could Pepper handle it, knowing the her husband, one of the people she loved the most in the world was in mortal danger every time he put a suit on? They weren't even dating (yet) and Harley couldn't bare the thought of something happening to Peter, something permanent.

Because, in the end, Peter had also become something permanent in his life. Along with his adoring mom and wonderful sister and amazing family, he was one of the most important people in his life. He knew Peter had gone through much more than him and yet in those few short months he had been there for Harley more than any of his friends at Rose Hill had ever been. Harley had huge family, and he wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, even his particularly annoying cousin Elsie who insisted on never wearing pants.

He was scared. He had known Peter for a few months, and yet he could barely remember life without him. Everyone told him he looked better ever since he met him, smiling and laughing more, radiating a general aura of happiness. He was scared, because he had never felt these feelings before in his entire life and he didn't know what he would do if he lost Peter, because god fucking damn it he lov-

Just then, his thoughts were cut off by gentle stirring on the bed next to him. Harley immediately perked up.

''Pete''

He felt a hand squeeze his fingers. He tried again,

''Pete?''

''Hr'l? Wht'r you doin in my room'' Peter slurred sleepily. Harley chuckled lightly. Even in his sleep indulged haze, Peter was adorable.

''You're not in your room, darlin'. You're in the med bay, and I'm here because I'm worried for you.''

Peter blinked lazily.

''Oh'' he turned to face harley, not quite opening his eyes yet ''Tht's sweet of you, Hr'l. Y'r so nice. A'n- a'n pretty''

Harley felt a blush creeping up his neck.

''Oh, is that so?''

''Yes. I w'n ask you 'n a date. But y' cn't tell, b'cause I wan' it to be a s'cret''

''A-alright, darlin'. How about you get some rest and ask him when ya wake up?'' stammered Harley.

''Yeah. Yeah tha's'' he got cut off by a huge (adorable) yawn ''tha's a good idea. Y'r smart. But y'l r'mind me, right? To 'sk Hr'l out?''

'' 'Course I will.''

''k'' he simply said, letting out a content sigh. ''G'night, H'rl''

''G'night, darlin' '' Harley answered, pressing a soft kiss to the younger boy's forehead.

Harley fell asleep to the steady beat of the heart monitor red, puffy eyes and a swelling heart.

*****

 

When he woke up, Peter was nowhere to be seen, his loose tubes hanging from the side of the bed, looking as if they had been ripped out of where they had previously been in.

Fuck.

Chapter Text

Hey  guys!!

i hate writing ANs but this is unfortunately not an update (IM SORRY I have no idea what to write but i AM working on the parkner middle ages au even though i was supposed to post the first chapter a few weeks ago) 

so uhhh I joined a discord server a while ago based off of a fic (https://archiveofourown.org/works/19770082/chapters/46800127 go read it its amazing) and its really fun n fresh but there aren't many people atm.

so if you wanna join us just dm me (beter borker#6307) or the admins (Samwitch #9519, Drugs and Candy #7422) 

y ou  also have to choose a character, and the ones that are taken right now are peter, shuri, harley, natasha, clint, ned, wade and america

(again, id suggest reading the fic before choosing characters so you have an idea of who is available and their plot line, kinda)

thanks for your time and i swear ill try to post the first chapter soon

y'all are amazing and ilu <33

-sbidey

 

Chapter Text

flash @spideystan

wow i really am boo boo the fool aren't i

 

big pp @beterbarker

:((( why

 

flash @spideystan

no one asked you

 

big pp @beterbarker

i see the type of person you are

 

flash @spideystan

oh do you now

 

big pp @beterbarker

yeah yknow i might even tell everyone about that one time at denny's to prove you're that person

 

flash @spideystan

i know where you live

 

jack @frost

wait what happened at denny's 

 

flash @spideystan

we don't talk about that.

 

big pp @spideystan 

ok but why are you boo boo the fool bls eggsblain

 

flash @spideystan

my roblox gf just dumped me 

 

big pp @beterbarker

,,,,,,why

 

flash @spideystan

turns out she's a 40 year old married man who lives in bangladesh

 

flash @spideystan

he admitted to it this morning and was all like ''I'm really sorry, ill always love you, ill never forget the moments we passed together playing jailbreak, royal high and pokemon brick bronze'' before i blocked him and reported him to his local police department.

 

nedDIE @gitc

goddamn

 

 

 

*****

 

big pp @beterbarker

mindfuck of the day: is your vsco girlfriend really thicc or does she just have skskskskscoliosis

 

VSCO @vsco

Our vsco girlfriend is, in fact, extremely thicc, thanks to the new feature we've added! Download our app for more exclusive content and an unlimited, priceless photographical experience.

 

big pp @beterbarker

wow vsco really just used my shitpost to advertise their app,,,,, how could they do me dirty like that smh

 

shur.e @bestdisneyprincess

i took buzzfeed's quiz and apparently I'm an?????? insta baddie???????

 

shur.e @bestdisneyprincess

here take the quiz and come cry on my shoulder once you find out your whole life has been a lie: https://www.buzzfeed.com/siennahowe/which-type-of-tiktok-girl-are-you-81pdcyutlw

 

big pp @beterbarker

i am NOT a soft girl i am the MOST intimidating person out there

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

im an egirl,,,,, which is completely fine by me they're not that bad

 

big pp @beterbarker

@awesomesexybeast will you be the e-boy to my soft boy

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

only for you darlin ;))

 

salty peppery @ppotts

Harley, please refrain from calling him darlin when he's near a window. We've already had to call the glazier five times this month.

 

tony stank @tstank

I'm a vsco girl???? What the shit even is that?????

 

big pp @beterbarker

YOU ARE HEREBY BANISHED FROM SPACE AND TIME

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

ew goddamn alvinist

 

tony stank @tstank

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS SAYING I MAY HAVE FOUNDED PART OF THE INTERNET BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN I REGULARLY CHECK UP ON IT

 

exasperated @rhoady

That sounds like child neglect to me.

 

tony stank @tstank

Oh yeah want me to tell them about that one time at the zoo near MIT 

 

exasperated @rhoady

ENOUGH SAID MOVE ON HAVE A NICE DAY

 

yee-raw me @wandahoe

im an e-girl apparently

 

harp @screeeeeeech

gosh darn diddly dang,,,,,,, The scarlet witch in an e-girl outfit,,,,,,,, cease beating wildly oh lesbian heart

 

>>yee-raw me @wandahoe

gee thanks ;))

 

>>i'm multitasking @leblackwidow

She's taken.

 

>>>yee-raw me @wandahoe

you really have to take all the fun away don't you

 

>>>harp @screeeeeeech

OH OK MISS BLACK WIDOW MAAM OFC I WASNT ACTUALLY THINKING ABOUT IT I KNOW SHES YOURS AND OFF LIMITS BUT YOU'RE BOTH HOT PLS RUN ME OVER WITH YOUR MOTORCYCLE OK BYE

 

>>>>i'm multitasking @leblackwidow

Sorry I only run people over on Fridays. On Mondays you get choked ;))

 

>>>>>yee-raw me @wandahoe

yes pls

 

>>>>>> i'm multitasking @leblackwidow

On my way to your room don't move.

 

>>>>>>>yee-raw me @wandahoe

absolutely yes maam

 

*****

 

jen @rawwwwwwwr

@screeeeeeech you just had a whole conversation with The Black Widow and The Scarlet Witch, pretty lesbians extraordinaire. how do you feel?

 

>>harp @screeeeeeech

yes

 

>>>jen @rawwwwwwwr

understandable have a nice day

 

>>>>harp @screeeeeeech

and you don't even know most of it

 

*****

 

mj @dumbgaybitch

did you guys know that most laughs you hear in sitcoms were recorded in the 1950-60s, so most of the people you hear laughing are dead?

 

sally @lafayeet

the joke's on you i hear dead people laughing all the time 

 

sailor @moonmoon

hey babe what the fuck does that mean are you ok

 

betty brant @badnboojee

is this because of your abandoned nintendogs again

 

sally @lafayeet

sometimes, in the middle of the night, i still hear their whimpers...

 

*****

 

abraham @(crack)er

to this day, my biggest regret was kicking my aunt's cat because i accidentally put my foot in its asshole until it basically looked like an ugg boot

 

big pp @beterborker

dude that's so totally rad

 

exasperated @rhoady

Every day the new generation are making themselves heard all around the world, they're causing more change than any politician all around the world and I truly believe that there is still some hope for the planet. But then they do this.

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

you're just jealous cause you don't have any ugg boots

 

*****

 

 big pp @beterborker

i try sneaking up on harley but I'm dummy thicc and the clap of my asscheeks keep on alerting him of my presence

 

harley @awesomesexybeast

or maybe it's just because you knocked down two shelves and broke the tv on your way up

 

big pp @beterborker

goddammit

 

tony stank @tstank

WAIT THAT WAS YOU

 

Chapter Text

big pp @beterbarker

i am FINALLY out of bed rest and ready to take on school

 

flash @spideystan

you missed seven exams, two essays and three oral presentations

 

big pp @beterbarker

what the fuck i was out for a week

 

flash @spideystan

what can i say the american school system amirite. 

 

*****

Peter looked up from his phone and groaned. He was still laying in his bed, snuggled under the covers, wearing one of Harley's old hoodies that smelt surprisingly like his future boyfriend. Or so he hoped. 

"Fuck this"

"What's that?" he heard a voice with a unfairly hot for six in the morning southern drawl come from his door.

"Fuck you. You didn't tell me we had six exams, and three oral presentations." he moaned.

"Seven exams, actually. Eight if you count the pacer test today." Harley answered smugly.

Peter shot up from his bed. Harley snorted at his mop of mussed fluffy hair and his bloodshot eyes.

"Are you telling me," Peter asked slowly, spitting each word out venomously, "we have the pacer test and you didn't tell me about it?" 

Harley rolled his eyes.

"Well, yeah, because you weren't supposed to be out of bed rest for another week. I was gonna tell you. Y'know, eventually. What's the big deal, anyways? It'll be a breeze, what with your freaky spider baby powers."

"Ok first of all, fuck off. My powers are respectable grown adult powers. And you wouldn't enjoy it either if you face planted head first into a pile of shit and then into a pile of leaves and left looking like a hippie Chewbacca." Peter bit out.

A silence reigned for a few seconds, before Harley burst into laughter.

Not just any laughter. Hysterical, donkey-wheeze, rolling on the floor clutching your stomach, tears rolling down your cheeks laughter.

"Yeah, that's right" Peter sighed. "And ever since then people at school have been acting like it's some kind of national holiday, coming to school with green painted faces and leaves in their hair."

"Well that's just- that's just amazing. Ya really are a jewel to this country. A gem. What would we do without you" Harley wheezed out, still chuckling. Suddenly, he got up.

"Well then-" he started, shooting Peter a mischievous glance over his shoulder, "I better get going. Ya'know, let'cha prepare a lil bit for today".

And with that, he marched out of the room while Peter was totally not staring at his ass.

*****

Ten minutes, two shirts and a broken toothbrush later, Peter found himself sitting on the kitchen island, inhaling his third cup of coffee until Tony marched in, starkpad in hand. He made a beeline for Peter and in one swift motion took away Peter's cup.

"Ah ah ah, I thought we've been over this. No coffee for the spider-baby in the mornings."

Peter got up, marched towards the coffee pot and downed the whole thing in three gulps, leaving Tony with his jaw on the floor and a horrified look on his face.

"How-" he started, half fascinated and half terrified. "How did you do that? I didn't even think it was possible to unhinge your jaw like that. The way all that coffee made its way down your throat defies all laws of physics. Teach me how to do it now."

Peter just levelled him with an unimpressed glare. Tony whistled.

"No need to get your spandex in a twist, cucciolo. It's your first day back at school, shouldn't you be excited?"

The young hero just grunted in response.

"Well alright then, Fred Flintstone. You got everything with you? Backpack?"

Grunt.

"Lunch?"

Grunt.

"Essays?"

Moan.

"None of that, buddy. Shouldn't have gotten yourself stabbed. Books?"

Grunt.

"Breakfast?"

Pause.

"Unacceptable. Check your pockets."

Peter put his hands in his pocket and pulled out a cereal bar. He started checking it for poison, before his eyes lit up.

"Ooh, chocolate chips!" He said, satisfied. Tony smirked.

"Well, of course. I know how to trick my kid into eating his fiber."

"Of course you do" said Peter, rolling his eyes. 

"Yes, I do, you menace. Harley's waiting for you in the car, said something about an emergency. Get out of here. Don't have too much fun and drink responsibly."

"Tony, I'm going to school"

"I know."

Peter shot him a weird look, before carefully backing out, leaving Tony to happily munch on some chocolate covered blueberries.

He raced downstair, receiving a couple of weird looks from the employees and texted a quick goodbye to May who had presumedly not woken up yet. When ran towards the black SUV parked in front of the doors, got in and shut the door behind him.

"Good morning, Happy! Im ready to gAHH" He started, but was interrupted by a very girly shriek that definitely did not belong to him and a green Harley in front of his face.

"Wh- y- wha- it- y- you're green!" Peter stuttered out, staring at Harley wide-eyed.

"Good job, Sherlock." answered Harley with a smirk.

"Is this because of this morning."

"Noooooo..." trailed off Harley, after catching Peter's blasé expression. "...ooyes. That's absolutely definitely it, because I love making you blush."

"Oh, do you now?" asked Peter, his eyebrow raised. 

"Yeah. Speaking of, where's your holiday cheer? I don't see a speck of green on you."

"Well then" said Peter, feeling bold, leaning into Harley. "Mind if I borrow some of yours?"

Harley, unresponsive at the moment, mesmerised by the way Peter looked up at him, mumbled an incoherent response.

"Because," continued Peter, "I think I wouldn't look too bad with green on my lips. Maybe some on my neck." 

Harley gulped, his adam's apple bobbing up.

Peter leaned in closer, and closer, and closer, until-

-until he smudged some green off with his finger and smeared it on his cheek.

Harley breathed, still as ever, eyes locked on Peter's.

"I don't really think green suits me, after all" said Peter before pulling pack, pushing the door open and bounding up the steps to the school. 

Harley sat frozen and speechless, watching Peter greet Ned, MJ and Flash and head inside before he finally got to his senses.

"PETER!!"

Chapter Text

Peter may or may not have been unintentionally avoiding Harley during school that day.

It wasn't his fault! He was mortified. He couldn't believe he had done that. Besides, he had so many exams he barely had enough time to use the bathroom. The whole day he was unfocused, moving around as if he were in a trance, re-playing that moment with Harley in the car in his mind over and over again.

Eventually, the bell rang and the teacher collected his last exam for the day. Peter got up a little slower than necessary and started gathering his stuff. He turned around and started heading out, when he caught sight of Harley waiting for him outside the classroom and blanched. Taking a deep breath and hugging his books to his chest, he opened the door and stepped out.

As soon as Harley heard the door open, he turned around to face Peter and smirked at him.

''Hey there, stranger.'' he drawled out.

''H-hi'' answered Peter, cursing the blush crawling up his neck.

''Didn't see you in P.E today''

''W-well'' stuttered Peter, ''I had a lot of, uh, exams to catch up, and the teacher said it was ok for me to skip P.E so i just went ahead and did that, because who needs P.E anyways, and-''

''Didn't see you at lunch either'' Harley cut Peter off. ''And I know for a fact they can't keep you inside during lunch unless you've got lunch detention, which we all know for a fact, you don't''

''Yeah, uh, well,'' said the shorter boy, trying to come up with an answer, ''it was such a nice day, so I was like wow! It would be such a shame not to take advantage of this beautiful day and, y'know, go for a walk, because its senior year anyways and we're allowed to do that, so-''

Harley cut Peter off again with a mischievous twinkle in his eye. ''Peter, darlin', have you been avoiding me?''

''Whaaaaaat?'' answered Peter with an exaggerated shrug. ''Psh. No. Why would I be? It's not like I completely embarrassed myself in front of my, uh, crush, this morning, uhm...'' sheepishly rubbing at the back of his neck, Peter trailed off awkwardly, while Harley's smirk widened impossibly.

''Oh, is that so?'' asked Harley in a husky voice, while stepping closer to Peter. 

''Uh- Yeah!'' squeaked out Peter. ''I- uhm, Icanhearsomeonecallingmebye!'' and with that Peter ducked under Harley's arm and made a dash for the exit, feeling Harley's stare on him as he exited the building, ignoring Harley's calls.


Today's patrol had been not that eventful, which was a good thing as Peter couldn't concentrate because of Harley. And also because of the stab wound on his lower abdomen and the fact that he could think of at least twenty adults that would proper-disembody him if they found out he went on patrol today, despite him being prohibited to go on patrol for at least another week. But oh well, you only live once.

As Peter swing back, he found his mind wandering to earlier, something he found himself doing quite often nowadays. He had acted like a complete idiot. 

Yet he couldn't help it. Whenever he was near Harley, he turned into an incoherent, mumbling mess. Something about his beautiful eyes and delicate freckles and-

''Peter, I have located a fire down by 42nd street. The building is in danger of collapsing and there are still seven people, two of which are children, inside. Taking your current state into account, I would suggest calling for backup.'' said KAREN, snapping Peter out of his thoughts. The spandex-clad superhero sighed. He supposed taking care of one more fire wouldn't hurt. 

''Thanks, KAREN'' said Peter, swinging towards the fire.

Peter swung over there as fast as he could and was rewarded with whoops and cries when he finally arrived. Taking a deep breath, he swung carefully into the burning building.

''Alright, KAREN, what have you got for me?''

''There are two adults and one child on the western side of the fourth flour, one adult with one child on the seventh floor, and three adults on the first floor.'' replied KAREN.

''Ok, ok, ok ok.'' muttered Peter under his breath. ''Let's go for the ones on the seventh floor first Karen.'' said Peter, a little louder this time. 

Just as Peter started swinging to the top floor, he heard a ring.

''Incoming call from 'Irondad, fire emoji, fire emoji, man with sunglasses emoji, red heart emoji, comet emoji, blueberry emoji, wave emoji, flying dollar bills emoji, flying dollar bills emoji, cowboy emoji. Would you like me to accept the call?''

''No, KAREN, decline'' wheezed Peter as he swung what looked to be a university student and a seven year old boy down to safety.

''He is pushing his call through. Sorry, Peter.'' said KAREN apologetically (as apologetically as an AI could sound).

''Peter.'' deadpanned Tony.

''Heyyyyyyyy T-Dad. How's it, uh, going? For you?'' answered Peter nervously, making his way down to the fourth flour.

''Care to explain why Spider-Man isn't sleeping over at his best friend's nice, reasonably warm house, and is instead inside a very hot and very much dangerous apartment building?'' growled Tony.

''Pshh. Whaaat?'' exclaimed Peter, trying not to breathe too heavily as he held an elderly woman, a child, and had a middle aged man grab onto his torso as he swung them to safety once again, although this time with a little more difficulty. ''I'm not- what's a Spider-Man? That's crazy. I don't- I'm not even- I've never even been inside a, uh, building.'' At this point, Peter was sweating, but he wasn't sure if it was because he was nervous or because of the heat. Probably the heat.

''Wh- Pete, that doesn't even make sense. You better hope to god you haven't gotten another scratch on you since this morning.'' 

''Yes, of course.'' muttered Peter distractedly as he swung to the ground holding two of the three adults remaining. ''Listen, uh, I can hear my dad calling me for... dinner. Gotta blast!'' he said before promptly hanging up the phone, ignoring the low 'Peter' Tony managed to say warningly into the phone.

Taking a deep breath, he walked right into the burning building. 


It didn't take long for the young superhero to be swinging back to the tower. Karen had located the last man next to an open window, so all he had to do was crawl up the wall, shoot a web and pull the man outside. 

As soon as he arrived, he had KAREN unlock his bedroom window, which he slowly pushed aside before crawling in.

But, instead of finding his bedroom empty, he found Harley on his bed, clutching his pillow. Harley looked even more angelic in his sleep, breathing softly with his golden hair fanned out around his face, like a halo. He chuckled softly before going to wake the other boy up.

''Harley, hey'' whispered Peter, shaking Harley gently. ''It's me.''

Harley flickered his eyes open slowly before shooting up.

''Peter?'' he mumbled. Without waiting for a response, he lurched forwards and wrapped his arms around Peter, who thankfully was strong enough to hold them both up.

''Hey, not that I'm complaining, but why are you in my room?''

Harley didn't answer for a second before shooting back and narrowing his eyes at the younger boy.

''Why the fuck did you go out as Spider-Man today?'' He growled, getting up and starting to pace around the room. ''Did that stab wound make you forget the additional week of no patrol?''

Peter opened his mouth to answer but Harley cut him off.

''Actually, don't answer that. Did you know I've been worried sick?''

Peter felt his blood run cold, and his smile instantly dropped from his face. He had no idea why, but he suddenly wanted to get out of the room and never come back. 

''Why do you care?'' he asked icily. ''It's not like I mean anything to you.'' 

Peter had no idea where that had come from. Harley hadn't done anything to him, and yet here he was, insulting him. Because he was an idiot.

Harley turned to Peter and looked at him with wide eyes.

''You don't- what?'' Harley scoffed. ''Peter, what does that even mean? Of course I care for you.''

Peter simply turned away, and muttered: ''One minute you flirt with me and then with half the other seniors in the school.''

Harley stared at him, his mouth open. ''Wh-what? Why- why does that matter to you?''

''It doesn't. It does. I just thought-'' Peter cut himself off and rubbed his eyes. ''Whatever. Like you said, it doesn't matter. Please get out of my room.''

''Peter-''

''Just. Get out. Please.''

''Peter.'' said Harley, louder this time. He turned away and ran his hand through his hair agitatedly. ''Fucking screw it.''

Without even having time to react, Peter found himself being pushed back against the wall and felt a hot, urgent pair of lips on his own. Without thinking about his previous protests, he reacted and kissed back. He carded his fingers through the soft blond curls, before pulling Harley impossibly closer to him. Harley pulled back to admire the sight of Peter, with pink lips, breathing heavily against him, before kissing him again.

The second time wasn't as urgent. It was sweet and innocent, like a summer breeze, or a drop of dew the morning after a heavy thunderstorm. 

Until it was interrupted by his bedroom door slamming open.

Silence.

...

''WHAT THE F-''

Chapter Text

harley<3     >petey<3

harley<3- soooo

petey<3- soooo

harley<3- abt yesterday.

petey<3- im literally so sorry that was so embarrassing 

harley<3- it's fine lol

petey<3- he put an alarm for both of us.

harley<3- yh that sucks

petey<3- he gave us bedtimes

harley<3- that also sucks

petey<3- he mentioned the word incest while describing us

harley<3- pls don't remind me

petey<3- im so sorry

petey<3- wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to see me again

harley<3- shut the fuck up i really really like you

petey<3- ...really????????????????

harley<3- i literally kissed you yesterday i haven't been discreet AT ALL. EVER.

petey<3- yeah well now that you mention it 

harley<3- you are actually dumb. you are stupid. but unfortunately i like your stupid. and your everything.

petey<3- uh

petey<3- thanks?

harley<3- so uh

harley<3- lunch? together? tmrw?

petey<3- ofc <33

harley<3- <33

 

Heroes with a Heart

dramatic bitch- stank you're dead to me

tincannot- I'm not even sorry.

ishurihopeitdoes- he found out?

scarletyeet- about time ffs

dramatic bitch- HOW DO YOU ALL EVEN KNOW ITS BEEN A DAY

barbie wannabe- i mean it was kinda obvious.

tincannot- NO IT WASNT 

tincannot- NEVER IN MY FIFTY SOMETHING YEARS OF LIVING HAVE I EVER WITNESSED SUCH A SCANDAL

just stick to the cards- Tony you're 43.

tincannot- Irrelevant

bird- ahahah old man

sister sMAPPED- Wait, sorry, what's happening?

i can't believe you've done this- did you really take a whole minute just to type that?

sister sMAPPED- Sorry.

daddylanglegs- I'm sitting on the couch with him and he's typing with his index send reinforcements 

sister sMAPPED- I asked a question, as I may recall. What's happening?

smolgreenbean- underoos finally got his man

tincannot- Hey no only I can call him that

smolgreenbean- sorry boomer

tincannot- You're older than me.

sister sMAPPED- WHAT'S HAPPENING

dramatic bitch- NOTHING 

ishurihopeitdoes- PETER AND HARLEY ARE DATING

dramatic bitch- SHURI

ishurihopeitdoes-PETER

dramatic bitch removed ishurihopeitdoes from the chat

ishurihopeitdoes added ishurihopeitdoes to the chat

ishurihopeitdoes- you can't get rid of me

sister sMAPPED- Wait.

sister sMAPPED- Peter, you're gay?

cawcawmf- is he fr

sister sMAPPED- And you like Harley?!

snekysnek- rogers what

snekysnek- you were there when he came out

sister sMAPPED- ...I was?

barbie wannabe- doll..... you were.

sister sMAPPED- Seriously?

dramatic bitch- what the fuck is going on

tincannot- Serious question: Steve, are you ok?

sister sMAPPED- Yes????? No?????? I don't know????????

just stick to the cards changed sister sMAPPED's username to stupeed

stupeed- That's not how you spell it.

just stick to the cards- I am aware.

stupeed- Oh

stupeed- Because instead of pid you said peed.

stupeed- Har Har. You are so funny, Rhodes.

just stick to the cards- I am aware.

i can't believe you've done this- i need a drink

 

 

bobbles- Harper Page (harp @screeeeeeech)

blossm- Wanda

buddercup- Natasha

 

chowderpuff girls

bobbles- ok but does either of you have enough space in their room to take a big red stop street sign

buddercup- We're superheroes. We save the world. We shouldn't condone your petty crimes.

bobbles- buttttttt?

buddercup- You're lucky you're cute.

bobbles- are we still on for coffee later?

blossm- yh ofc

buddercup- we will be if Wanda gets her ass off of me

blossm- no

bobbles- wow, wands

bobbles- you'd just leave me to suffer alone

blossm- no

blossm- my life is just so perfect idk what to do first

blossm- I have two beautiful girls to attend to

 

terodactal (harper)    > not my little brother

terodactal- PETER

terodactal- PETER BENJAMIN PARKER GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE RIGHT NOW

not my little brother- jesus bajesus harp 

not my little brother- what

terodactal- i think that I'm pretty sure that natasha called me cute

terodactal- and i think wanda may have indirectly called me beautiful send help

not my little brother- ITS BECAUSE THEY LIKE YOU??????

terodactal- thats impossible lolololoolol

not my little brother- wh

terodactal- BECAUSE IM A 25 YEAR OLD REGULAR CIVILIAN WITH NOTHING SPECIAL EXCEPT HOURS OF HOMEWORK FROM MED SCHOOL

terodactal- AND WANDA IS A VERY HOT 24 YEAR OLD SUPERHERO WITH WITCH POWERS WHO HAPPENS TO BE A MEMBER OF THE AVENGERS

terodactal- AND A VERY HOT 31 YEAR OLD GIRLFRIEND WHO HAPPENS TO BE THE MOST BADASS SPY IN THE ENTIRE WORLD

terodactal- WHO ALSO HAPPENS TO BE AN AVENGER

not my little brother- harper ffs

not my little brother- get this into your head because its true

not my little brother- i will NOT stand here and let you DRAG YOUR GOOD NAME THROUGH THE MUD

not my little brother- you are amazing 

not my little brother- you are unique

not my little brother- you are a sexy beast

not my little brother- now GET OUT THERE AND BE GAY AND DO CRIME

terodactal- thanks, pete <33

not my little brother- anytime harpes <33

 

chowderpuff girls

buddercup- So do I you're not special

blossm- wow ok i see

blossm- i'm leaving you for harper

buddercup- not if i leave you for her first

bobbles- now now gays

bobbles- there's enough of me for you to share

bobbles- also I'm at the coffee shop, there's only one booth left and the seat next to me is the only seat without some weird stain on it

blossm- sJKSBJHJN 2I34H9RI0NO

buddercup- SORRY BABE

blossm- SHE JUST THREW ME OFF THE BALCONY

buddercup- NO BIG DEAL YOU CAN FLAYNJKADOSI

buddercup- I RAN INTO A TEN YEAR OLD I AM GETTING THERE FIRST IF ITS THE LAST THING I DO

bobbles- which it probably will

buddercup- SHUDDUP

blossm- lol shuddup

bobbles- wanda's already here

buddercup- WHAT HOW

bobbles- she can fly

blossm- i can fly

buddercup- THATS AGAINST THE RULES

blossm- SHOULDN'T HAVE THROWN ME OFF THE BALCONY

buddercup- YOU CAN FLY YOU JUST SAID IT

blossm- yeah well 

blossm- i love you <33

buddercup- i love you too <33

bobbles- oh look natasha's finally here

buddercup- shuddup

Chapter Text

stronk- Peter 

traitor- Ned

boneless weank- Flash 

prickly (l)oaf- Abe

soup- Sally

mistress teresa- MJ

simbaHoe- Seymour

sporky- Jason

tally hoe- Betty

moon moon- Cindy

i wanted to be a coowboee baeeby- Harley

 

professional acadec chat

 

tally hoe- twenty dollars they're taking us to the zoo and calling it an educative experience 

stronk- are you joking were a stem school 

stronk- ill bet u four dollars and a sandwich from delmars they're taking us to columbia or nyu even though half of us already toured the campuses 

i wanted to be a coowboee baeeby- lmao babe this school charges 15k per year we're not going to some university

sporky- freshman year they took us to the supermarket next door, made us buy our own food and then took us to the park to feed the pigeons

i wanted to be a coowboee baeeby- what the fuck

simbaHoe- they spend all the money on lab equipment and MacBooks which is fun and all but yknow

stronk- anyways you guys are gonna have to tell me where it'll be cause I'm sick

boneless weank- he's missed so many days how is he not expelled

mistress teresa- somehow his gpa is at 4

traitor- what do you even have

stronk- a

stronk- uh

stronk- an illness shut up

prickly (l)oaf- k well unlike you some people actually have to go to school to get good grades so excuse us while we suffer through 1 and a half hours of economics while you're sitting in bed watching sitcoms

stronk- lmao sounds hard

stronk- say hi to mrs embers for me

simbaHoe- i would but shed tear me apart if i even mentioned your name

tally hoe- yeah why does she even hate you anyway

soup- STORY TIME

stronk- shut up y'all are in class

i wanted to be a coowboee baeeby- awe my tennessee is rubbing off on you

boneless weank- shut up i want to hear the story

traitor- OH WAIT IS IT THAT TIME WHEN

stronk- yes

traitor- JKASNDKJ

sporky- TELL US EMBERS IS BLIND SHE WONT NOTICE SHIT

stronk- IM BEING PEER PRESSURED

mistress teresa- i don't want to hear it parker

stronk- SEE MJ SAYS NO STORY SO THAT MEANS NO STORY

mistress teresa- no i meant i don't want to hear your whining you're gonna tell us the story

moon moon- MJ YES

stronk- FINE

stronk- junior year. i wasnt in her class yet, but juniors chem was too easy for me so they moved me to ap seniors chem

simbaHoe- lowkey a flex

soup- shut

prickly (l)oaf- the fuck

i wanted to be a coowboee baeeby- your mouth

stronk- anyWAYS

stronk- near the end of the year i was partnered with this other senior for our group project

stronk- his name was connor i think 

stronk- he was really nice were friends

stronk- and he had ap economics with mrs embers thursday last period and i had free period so i waited for him outside his class so we could work on our project together

stronk- and our project was to see if a rodents immune system (a gerbil in our case) reacted to cancer cells the same way a humans immune system did

sporky- where the fuck did you get cancer cells

stronk- doesn't matter

stronk- so the week before the project was due on the library where we usually worked and kept the gerbil was closed so he told me to come over to his house to work on the project

stronk- but i had to bring the gerbil

stronk- so i was waiting for him outside his ap economics class with mrs embers holding a gerbil cage and for some reason the door was slightly open

soup- is this going the way i think it is

i wanted to be a coowboee baeeby- oh no

stronk- anywhore

stronk- I'm just waiting for him and holding the gerbil cage

stronk- and then i hear screaming 

stronk- so i turn around and look inside his classroom

stronk- and i see tables upturned, students in shock, and mrs embers standing on her desk pulling her hair out and yelling something about getting rabies

stronk- which is obviously when i realise that my cage is empty

boneless weank- oh my god

stronk-  turns our mrs embers has an irrational fear of rodents, so i rush inside the classroom to take jerry back and mrs embers sees me

traitor- of all the names why would you name your gerbil jerry

stronk- tom and jerry

traitor- jerry's a mouse

tally hoe- SHUT UP LEEDS

tally hoe- continue

stronk- and she starts yelling at me about how she'll sue me and get me expelled n shit

stronk- at that point I'm scared shitless while connor in the back is laughing and having the time of his life

stronk- but here comes the best part

stronk- she tries taking a step forward for whatever reason and steps on her stack of papers

stronk- does an honest to god summersault

stronk- and lands face down, ass up, skirt ripped

prickly (l)oaf- NO

stronk- yes

stronk- and thats the story of how i got my ap economics teacher to hate me forever

soup- that

soup- was a rollercoaster

mistress teresa- harley shut your dumbass up

traitor- HES LAUGHING SO LOUD

traitor- half the class is laughing and the other half is confused as fuck

stronk- well I'm gLAD YOU GUYS FIND MY MISERY AMUSING

traitor- oop

traitor- and he got his phone taken away

traitor- so did flash

traitor- and cindy

mistress teresa- abe did too 

mistress teresa- and so did jason

mistress teresa- and betty

mistress teresa- and seymour

mistress teresa- wow mr henderson doesn't look too happy his analysis on shakespeare's door got interrupted

soup- well at least mj and ned aren't laughing

stronk- oh they did

stronk- the first time i told them

stronk- they snorted their sandwiches out of their noses


 

heroes with a heart

 

dramatic bitch- MR STARK

tin cannot- Sigh

just stick to the cards- did you really just write sigh

tin cannot- What is it, demon child

dramatic bitch- come take care of me

tin cannot- Can't you ask literally anyone else

dramatic bitch- i can't they're all on a mission 

dramatic bitch- pleeeeeeease mr stark

dramatic bitch- tony

dramatic bitch- daaaaaaad

tin cannot- God fucking damn it

just stick to the cards- this kid i love him

dramatic bitch- i love you too mr rhodey

just stick to the cards- faints

tin cannot- You 

tin cannot- You know what 

tin cannot- Nevermind

tin cannot- I'm coming over with soup and DayQuil

dramatic bitch- thaaaaanks mr staaaaark


 

professional acadec chat

traitor- BAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH

stronk- what

stronk- did the universe find yet another way to make me regret my very existence

soup- you could say that

traitor- they're taking our biology class 

traitor- including BRAD DAVIS, HOMOPHOBIC AND TRANSPHOBIC EXTRAORDINAIRE

traitor- TO STARK INDUSTRIES

stronk-,,,

stronk- motherfucker


 

may @mayp

Can someone explain to me why I come home and my apartment is in ruins.

 

may @mayp

I just heard a very girly screech and I know Peter didn't bring home a girl because he's a useless gay for @awesomesexybeast

 

may @mayp

Oh nvm that's just Stark.

 

big pp @beterbarker

HES RUINING MY LIFE AGAIN MAY

 

mrs ceo kickass lady supreme ma'am @ppotts

Is this about the field trip?

 

big pp @beterbarker

mayhaps

 

spider can @sbiderman

hey no wtf only i can ruin peter's life

 

big pp @beterbarker

shut uP this is SERIOUS

 

emmy @wishinajar

imagine coming home to Tony Stark in your apartment being ripped to shreds by his pseudo son being a normal thing

 

big pp @beterbarker

it's not as fun as you think he's ruining my LIFE

 

spider can @sbiderman

melodramatic bitch

 

Chapter Text

It's been a month since Peter and Harley got together, a month Peter's been living in blissful happiness. He's never been better, everything is finally going his way. He feels as if he finally found his balance, his constant. All in all, Peter's finally doing ok. 

He told his boyfriend he'd be out on patrol until 3am, since it was a friday night and he didn't have school the next day, but really he was out buying flowers for their one month anniversary.

Taking his suit off, he walked into his usual Margaret's Garden, his favourite flower shop in all of Queens, where the owner greeted him with a smile.

Margaret was a family friend. She and his uncle Ben grew up together, as pseudo-siblings, so Peter always gets the family discount when he visits her.

''So, Pete, you and that boyfriend of yours still going hard?'' she asked him with a smile.

''Yeah'' answered Peter, grinning.'' In fact, today's our one month anniversary. I was gonna get him some flowers. Do you have any recommendations?''

''When do I not. I'd suggest the purple peonies and the red chrysanthemum, both symbolise romance and purity.''

Peter made a face.

''Eh, I don't know. Harley doesn't like purple. Do you have any of the baby pink ones?'' Peter remembered the last time he got Harley pink peonies. They'd hung them from the ceiling in the space between their rooms at the tower.

''For you, of course'' said Margaret with a wink.

''Thanks, Marg'' gushed Peter, admiring his bouquet. Margaret had added some kind of leaves and little white flowers, making it seem almost ethereal. ''What will that be?''

''Oh, don't worry about it.'' smirked Margaret. ''It's on the house.''

''What?'' squeaked Peter, feeling a blush creep up on his face. ''I- You- I can't let you do that!''

Margaret looked at him, rising an eyebrow in amusement.

''I'm sorry, I thought I just heard you tell me how to manage my flower shop. Did I hear you correctly? I couldn't have.''

''I- uh-'' spluttered Peter, torn between insisting on paying for the flowers and obeying Margaret's orders.

Margaret chuckled fondly. '' Just go, nerd. Your boyfriend's waiting for you.''

''Right. I- Ok. Thanks!''

Right before exiting the coffee shop, he shot a 'and I'm bringing lunch tomorrow!' over his shoulder, not waiting to hear her response as he started jogged to an alley to swing back to the tower.


He debated swinging into Harley's room from his window, but decided against it, just in case he scared him. A block away from the tower he swung into another alleyway and changed into his civilian clothes. He walked the rest of the was to the tower.

As he entered the building, the receptionist, a boy named Michael in his mid twenties who he'd hung out with a few times, greeted him brightly.

''Hey, Peter? What are you doing here? Harley said you weren't coming in today.''

''Yeah, well'' Started Peter, beaming at Michael. ''I'm surprising him''

Michael smirked at him and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

''Oh alright then. Go get him, tiger''

''Thanks, Michael'' shouted Peter as he started running to the elevator. As soon as he was in, FRIDAY greeted him brightly.

''Welcome back, Peter. Would you like me to alert Harley of your arrival?''

''No, that'll be alright, Fri.'' answered Peter. ''I'm surprising him. Floor 92, please.''

''Very well, Peter. Ascending to floor 92.''

The ride up, even though it only lasted about half a minute, felt like hours. Peter kept swaying back and forth on the balls of his feet, a dopey smile on his face while imagining Harley's face when he surprised him.

God, he liked him so much.

Maybe even...

Before he could finish the thought, the doors dinged open and he stepped outside.

He practically skipped to Harley's room. He felt so giddy. He hadn't felt this elated in months. Sure, it had only been a month, but it felt like they'd been together for years.

He stopped outside his room and took a deep breath. Both their rooms were soundproof so he had no idea what Harley was doing inside. Straightening his sweater collar and mussing up his hair, he turned the door handle quietly.

Before promptly stopping in his tracks, like a deer caught in headlights.

His grasp weakened and he felt himself let go of the bouquet he was holding, the bouquet that was meant for the boy in front of him, the boy that was now laying half naked on top some girl he'd never seen before in his fucking life.

His ears were ringing. He couldn't breathe. He felt as if he were underwater. Distantly, he heard the bouquet hit the ground with a soft thump, which caused Harley to finally, finally break away from the girl's face and look at him.

His eyes widened and he jumped away from the girl as if he'd been shocked. The girl looked at him quizzically before following his gaze until it landed on Peter, and she had the fucking nerve to smirk.

Peter felt his whole world crumble. He felt everything waste away until he felt as if he were standing in the middle of nothing. He felt nothing. 

However, as Harley got up from the bed and whispered his name tentatively, almost pleadingly, he thought he could feel his heart shattering, the pieces scattering everywhere, close and unbearably far away at once.

Peter choked back a sob as he turned around and fled the room, stepping on the bouquet on his way out.

He could feel Harley sprinting after him. He could feel him yelling his name. But the only thing he could hear was his erratic heartbeat and his choked breath and the panicked voice calling his name from behind.

He didn't know where he was going until he reached the elevator. It opened for him immediately, but Harley managed to squeeze through the doors and trap him and Peter in the elevator.

Neither of them knew what to say. 

''...why?'' asked Peter shakily, refusing to look at the other boy.

''Baby...'' pleaded Harley, stepping closer, reaching out to touch Peter, making him flinch away violently. ''I- Darlin', she meant nothing to me-''

''THEN WHY!'' burst out Peter, finally looking up.

Harley was standing suffocatingly close to him. His blue eyes, the eyes he gazed into time and time again the past month, the eyes that used to look at him and only him the way he was probably looking at the other girl earlier, the eyes that were now looking down at him, were now utterly heartbroken and wet from his tears.

''WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU BRING A GIRL INTO YOUR BED, THE BED I'VE LAID IN BEFORE, THE BED WE'VE KISSED IN BEFORE, THE BED WHERE YOU'VE TOLD ME COUNTLESS TIMES THAT YOU'RE GONNA FUCKING LOVE ME SOMEDAY!''

Peter choked up a breath as he felt all the fight drain out of him, as if someone had sucked all his soul out. He felt completely empty, aching everywhere and nowhere in particular.

''If she meant nothing to you, why did you do it? Does that mean our relationship means that little to you?''

''Princess, I-''

''Don't fucking call me that. Just... don't. We're fucking done, Harley. Just leave me the fuck alone.''

And with that, the elevator doors opened and Peter ran everywhere and anywhere, leaving Harley to sob miserably in the elevator, alone. He just needed to get away.

And that's exactly what he did.

 

 

Chapter Text

Peter knew he should be less surprised. After all, his good luck had lasted long enough. He had gotten a boyfriend, a father figure, a mother figure, saved civilians and no one had gotten hurt. At the beginning he was sceptical, but slowly, over time, as nothing happened, he started to believe that maybe, just maybe his Parker luck had decided to let him live his life for once.

But oh boy, was he wrong. It seemed it was just waiting for the perfect moment to strike him from behind, take him by surprise. It was just waiting for the best moment to cause him as much pain as possible. 

Peter sometimes wondered what he had done to deserve his luck. Was it the people he hadn't saved? Was it the deaths he had caused? Did he somehow cause harm in the world every single day by simply being? Did the world consider to have given him too much good, and decided to take and take and take from him until he was left breathless, shattered, gasping for someone or even something to pick up his pieces and glue them back together? It probably did. 

He really, really should have been less surprised. He should have seen it coming. So much for his spidey sense. But he didn't.

Which is why he was now sitting in a crowded, sweaty bus with his biology class, on his way to Stark Industries. His workplace, and his home.

Ned had called in sick with the flu (the traitor), MJ was taking economics and rights and Flash, who had - surprisingly- begun hanging out with them more and more, had been suspended from the trip for too many unexcused missed assignments, so he was sitting next to Harley, holding their entertwined hands in his lap, chatting animatedly with him, Sally and Abe, who were seated in front of them.

Honestly, he wishes Ned could have come. He would have kept him out of the spotlight, if only for a little bit. He loves his boyfriend, but he has a weird habit of showing him off. 

''So anyways'' continued Sally. ''Fuck, marry, kill... Thor, Captain America and Spider-Man''

''Well, I'd obviously fuck Spider-Man. I mean, have you seen that ass?'' drawled Harley, shooting Peter a mischievous smirk, making him choke on his own spit.

Sally's eyes widened as Peter started coughing furiously.

''Oh my god, Pete, you ok?''

''Yeah, yeah I'm- I'm fine'' stuttered Peter once he got his breath back, shooting his evil, evil boyfriend a glare.

''Aw, darlin, it's nothing against you.'' said Harley, stroking his cheek in mock comfort. ''I mean, you've gotta admit, he's a real piece of man candy.''

''Yeah, he sure is'' mumbled Peter, shrugging Harley's hand off and poking his tongue out at him.

''Real mature.'' piped in Abe, who was staring at the interaction amusedly.

Peter rolled his eyes. ''Shut up, Brown. You've literally called the teacher a poopie face. You're legally not allowed to talk to me about maturity''

Abe looked down as red crawled up his neck. ''Ok listen, that was once, and I'd appreciate if we stopped bringing that up-''

''Hey!'' hollered the voice of none other than Brad Davis from a couple of seats away, causing everyone to turn and look at him. ''Fag one and fag 2!''

Harley shot up from his seat, a murderous look in his eyes. ''What the fuck did you just say, you piece of-''

''Sh, babe, he's not worth it.'' whispered Peter in Harley's ear, tugging at his arm gently to get him to sit down.

Mr Harrington turned around in his seat and shot an exasperated look towards Brad.

''Mr Davis, please refrain from taunting and degrading your classmates. This is your first of three warnings before I send you home.''

''Whatever.'' muttered Brad, rolling his eyes, before turning back to Harley and Peter, the former bristling in silent rage while the latter muttered reassurements.

He lowered his voice so as not to be heard by the teacher. ''Anyways. What do you think Tony Stark will say about the little thing you have going? You think he'll finally see how disgusting and pathetic you are and kick you to the curb?''

Before Harley had the chance to say anything (probably with his fists), Abe cut in dryly.

''You do realise they're both living with him, right? They're both his kids, and he's living in a tower with multiple queer, and some married queer couples. He's started multiple organisations and shelters for lgbt youth, and has even publicly stated being pansexual himself. Seriously, dude, are you sure you're in the right school?'

Sally snickered at Brad's expression, before his eyes lit up.

''Oh my god. Is that why he's letting you stay with him? Does he wake up every day with your pretty pink lips around his cock? Because, really, I can't think of any other reason why he'd bear to be near you-''

At that, Harley seemed to snap. He lunged over at Brad, which probably would have worked had he not been sitting two rows in front of them, and had Peter not been blocking him. 

''You sick motherfucker. I fucking dare you to say shit like that again, I'll fucking break your arms you bigoted-''

''Guys!'' Cut in a tired Roger Harrington. ''Please, no fighting in the bus. Brad, just because you lowered your voice slightly doesn't meant I can't hear you anymore, so you're getting a week's worth of detention when we get back. This is your second warning.''

''What!'' Exclaimed Brad indignantly. ''Harley was about to attack me! Why are you not punishing him?''

''Because he didn't instigate the fight and didn't say anything insulting towards his classmate's identity. Now please, shut th- quiet down for the rest of the ride or I'll give you another week's worth of detention.''

Brad flipped off the teacher's back and turned back to Peter and Harley, getting promptly cut off by Mr Harrington.

''Brad, I saw that. I swear to god If you don't turn around I'll tell the bus driver to leave you in the middle of the highway.''

Brad glared at the boys before turning around. 

''You should've let me beat his sorry face to a pulp, darlin'.''

''It wasn't worth it.''

Harley turned to face peter, staring at him in disbelief. ''Wasn't worth it? Did you hear what he said? If you weren't there, I'd get expelled for the things I'd have done to him.''

Peter chuckled lightly.

''But I was there. Don't worry about it, seriously. Besides, if he does anything suspicious in the tower, you know FRIDAY will absolutely decimate him.''

''I know...'' Sighed Harley softly, bringing his arms around Peter and tugging him closer to him. ''I just hate what he says to you. It's all so wrong and if only he got his head out of his ass-''

''You gotta admit, though, he does have an ass.'' said Peter smirking at the glare Harley sent him.

''He does not. It's flatter than- actually, why are you paying attention to his ass?''

Before Peter could come up with a poor excuse, he heard gagging from the seat in front of him. Peter and Harley broke apart to see Sally and Abe, staring at them, covering their ears.

''Ugh, I miss Cindy.'' Mumbled Sally.

''Are you gays done being gross? Seriously, I just wanted to talk to my friends, but if I have to witness this nasty shit one more time I might throw myself out the window. Why did you have to be so gay?'' Joked Abe.

Sally rolled her eyes and slapped his elbow not-so-lightly.

''Oh my god, Abe, you can't just ask people why they're gay''

''Jesus, woman!'' Exclaimed Abe. ''If it weren't for the mean girls ref I would have pummeled you by now. You have zero chill. That actually hurt.''

''Sorry.'' Said Sally, blowing a kiss to Abe who was sheepishly rubbing his arm where Sally had elbowed him, not really sounding sorry at all.

''Please.'' Peter rolled his eyes. ''You could never take on Sally, you twig. You got beat up by Emily Dickinson in freshman year and she was two years below you.''

''Seriously, man, why do you hate me?''

They all continued their playful banter, the Brad Davis incident long forgotten.


Finally, the bus came to a stop a couple blocks away from Stark Towers. All the students, save Harley, Peter, Sally and Abe, who had all been here before (the former two lived there, and the latter two came by more and more often to hang out), were pressing their faces against the cool glass, trying to catch a glimpse of the tower.

''Alright, students! Please get out of the bus and wait for me by the stop sign, thank you!''

Slowly, the students started filing out of the bus, walking by the stop sign and crossing the street, completely ignoring Mr Harrington's orders. Peter felt awful for the man.

Once they reached the entrance to the building, Mr Harrington tried once again to gather the students.

''All right, students! I'm going to say this once, so if you're not listening, you'll probably get a lifetime ban from Tony Stark himself, Mr Davis!'' Exclaimed Mr Harrington, shooting a pointed look towards Brad and his posse who were chatting rowdily a few feet behind the rest of the group.

''Here are the rules. No touching anything unless you get explicit permission from one of the employees, no disrespecting anyone, whether it be an employee, and intern, or a classmate,'' says Mr Harrington, shooting Brad another pointed look, ''no singing loudly or yelling, no running, no causing any form of ruckus, no going where you shouldn't go, no stealing anything and no freeing animals from their enclosures.''

At the last one, Sally let out a soft squeak.

''Also, this really should go without saying, but god knows you're capable. So please, for the love of god, don't damage the building in any way or traumatize the workers. Have I made myself clear?''

Different exclamations of agreement came from the students.

''Alright. Good. An intern should be with us shortly.''

Maybe, Peter thought, just maybe, this wouldn't be so bad.

Famous last words.