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Worthy Risk

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Kunikida had rarely felt the kind of bone deep, body shaking, heart rattling fear that he felt right now. The kind which was reserved for moments where his entire being ached with it. The kind which made him freeze in hopes that somehow the imminent danger or misfortune would freeze with him and not come any closer. 

The kind born of not wanting to lose someone. 

That was the kind of fear he felt in the aftermath of Corruption.

Seeing it for the first time was a horrifying experience. Had him wondering where open skies and warm air had gone. Gentle voice replaced by maniacal cackles that sounded inhuman. Black holes danced upon his fingertips as insanity spilled out of him in blood and quaked the earth beneath them. All while Dazai stood beside him and asked, “Do you truly believe you can handle that?” 

Kunikida hadn’t responded, voice lodged in his throat, hands gripping around nothing, wishing to grasp his Ideal as though it could perhaps hold the answer to that question so he didn’t have to figure it out himself. 

Now, after Dazai had gotten his grip on Chuuya and freed him from Arabahaki’s grasp, Kunikida couldn’t think about anything but the fear which permeated his mind, it’s hold growing tighter on him the shallower Chuuya’s breaths became as they made their way to Yosano. 

She’d have nothing to do on him as Chuuya was already tempting death to open her door. 

The worry he felt over the man was immense, had him internally telling Chuuya he wasn’t allowed to go anywhere. Not until they’d figured out whatever the hell it was that they’d created between each other. It wouldn’t be fair. To leave Kunikida with these feelings to deal with alone. 

Chuuya had to live because Kunikida wasn’t certain he could live normally in a world without him. 

 

*

 

Reaching Yosano was a hassle and once they did the woman was startled by just how badly things had gone. 

“What happened?” She demanded, a fire igniting in purple irises once she’d set her sights on Chuuya immediately moving to work. 

“Things went sideways, Chuuya took the initiative, we didn’t quite get what we needed but the rats had a massive blow to their ranks.” Dazai answered easily, tone baring no signs of worry for the redhead who was hardly breathing. Kunikida had to hold back a scowl at how he seemed so at ease despite having watched Chuuya nearly tear himself apart, wasn’t afraid that Yosano may not be able to put him back together. 

“Damn. Kouyou’s going to be pissed.” Yosano murmured, fingers flying every which way to assess the damage. 

“Go, I can handle this.” She said looking up at the two who lingered in her space, a cocked eyebrow making it clear that it wasn’t a suggestion either. 

The blond opened his mouth to object certain she’d need some kind of assistance -if only for his own peace of mind- but Yosano spoke first, a bite to her words leaving no room for argument, “This isn’t the first time I’ve worked on him like this.”

Kunikida bit his tongue before he could question her about that, stepping back with a stiff nod before turning slightly, “Dazai,” he said when it became obvious the brunet didn’t have plans to move even an inch. 

“This isn’t anything new to me. I’ve seen worse done to the hat-rack before.” Dazai drawled, earning a glare from Kunikida but before he could argue further, Yosano, without even glancing up from her patient said, “And I don’t need eyes on me as I work. Get out.” 

Dazai sighed dramatically, gaze lingering a moment on Chuuya’s face before stepping away too and exiting the little infirmary with Kunikida. 

Allowing the door to fall shut behind them, the lock clicking into place settled another layer of anxiety in his bones. Hefting out a shuddering sigh Kunikida said, “He’ll be fine.” 

Dazai shot him a sidelong glance, like he was trying to pick something from Kunikida’s expression to answer some unspoken question that would never be voiced aloud. The blond didn’t ask for it to be either because he was probably asking himself the same question. 

“Yes, he will.” Dazai eventually answered. 

 

*

 

Kunikida was woken early the next morning with a call from Yosano who said that Chuuya had lasted through her procedures and that once the redhead woke he’d be good as new. 

If the agency member ended up appearing a full hour earlier than scheduled no one, it seemed, felt inclined to comment on it. Not even Dazai who, obviously, hadn’t even left the night prior, the discoloration under his eyes and the dull sheen over his irises made it clear he hadn’t gotten a wink. 

What Kunkida himself had gotten barely qualified as restful seeing as every time he’d close his eyes Chuuya’s body bent over from the weight of sheer insanity which trickled out of him in bloody red and chilling cackles was burned into his mind. 

“He’s not up yet.” Dazai said upon Kunikida’s entrance into the office. 

Nodding, Kunikida went immediately to work. Chuuya was fine and simply needed to rest, there wasn’t much to be done other than to wait till he woke. Once he did they’d need to talk, having spent half his night awake made for some interesting contemplation as he debated whether pursuing something with Chuuya was worth it or not. 

The deciding factor had been the fear of Chuuya dying without him even knowing, without them even trying to be more, left him to regret and wonder if he could’ve made a difference if he’d just given into his desire for the redhead rather than continue to shun it. Looking at it like that and left with no other answers but the one. 

Focusing entirely on his work proved to be a difficult task when his mind kept wandering back to Chuuya and he was suddenly grateful he’d come in so early otherwise he’d would’ve surely fallen behind. 

It’s a quarter passed noon when Chuuya wakes but Kunikida isn’t the first to speak with him. Dazai insisting he see the redhead first with his expression alone. Kunikida had to bite back a rebuttal when Dazai’s gaze met his, the quirk of his brow a nonverbal challenge that Kunikida refused to be baited into. 

Amusement passed over Dazai’s face before he shut the infirmary door behind himself with a final sweeping look over the rest of the agency members. 

It was another half hour before Dazai came back out, Yosano trailing behind him as the brunet made his way back to his desk, sprawling himself over it with a dramatic sigh. 

Standing from his own desk not even bothering to acknowledge the bandaged idiot, Kunikida made his way over to Yosano who raised her eyebrows as he approached. 

Before he could utter a single word she deadpanned, “No life affirming sex in there, got it?” 

Stopped dead in his tracks it took a moment for his brain to restart, face flushed a spectacular red so deep and wide it brushed over the tips of his ears. Releasing a long suffering sigh Kunikida asked quietly, “How long have you known?” 

The neutral expression on her face cracked, her lips tilting up into a smirk, “Not as long as Dazai, but your pining was kind of ridiculous. Though I never thought you the type to screw first and deal with feelings later.” 

Flush deepening, Kunikida side-stepped the latter half of her statement when he asked, “How long has Dazai known?” 

The amusement only seemed to double even if there was a solemnity to the shade of purple in her eyes, “How long has he been acting weird?” 

Kunikida frowned, “What do you mean? It’s Dazai, he’s always weird.” 

Yosano cocked an eyebrow, tilting her head just slightly, “You know what I mean.” 

Kunikida didn’t respond, he did know what she meant but he also didn’t like having to acknowledge it. Not really because he pitied Dazai, the bastard had his chance and he chose differently, but rather because he didn’t like the idea that Dazai might still have one. 

“I noticed. If Dazai has something to say on the matter, he will.” Kunikida said. 

Yosano nodded in affirmation before Kunikida stepped around her to enter the space. Continuing inside he passed Yosano’s desk, stopping just short of the curtain which separated the bed from the rest of the room. A thin veil of privacy for her patients. 

Pulling the cloth back far enough to peak around it, green eyes found Chuuya immediately. The redhead had vacated his bed in favor of dressing himself in clothes that weren’t just bloodied shreds of cloth. His pants were already changed, however he was still in the process of buttoning his shirt and the person who’d brought him clothes had foregone the entirety of Chuuya’s ensemble - most likely Dazai, the guy wasn’t exactly quiet about his thoughts regarding Chuuya’s fashion choices. 

Without looking up from his ministrations, Chuuya inquired, “Was there something you needed?” 

Clearing his throat Kunikida pushed the curtain aside completely, “Yes, actually. We....we need to talk about...us.” 

Attention piqued, Chuuya looked up through his eyelashes, eyebrow raised, “Ok.” 

“I want something more.” Kunikida said bluntly, willing the flush to stay away, this wasn’t anything to be bashful about. Chuuya’s seen him naked before, baring himself in this way should seem no more embarrassing. No more damning than turning his back on a mafioso with a reputation written in the blood from his previous victims. No more against his ideals than placing complete and utter trust in the hands of a murderer. 

“Something more?” Chuuya asked sounding amused, lips quirking just slightly, “Would you mind elaborating?” 

“A relationship.” 

He huffed a breath, “I was under the impression we already had a relationship?” 

“A real one.” Kunikida said partially annoyed that Chuuya wasn’t taking him seriously. 

With a sneer Chuuya said, “Fucking not real enough for you?” 

Ignoring Chuuya’s crude dismissal, Kunikida responded, “Just sex isn’t enough for me.” Not anymore....not after witnessing that....

The sneer fell away leaving something calculated in those blue irises, gaze flicking between Kunikida’s eyes as though searching for a lie or a chink in his resolve. 

“If that doesn’t interest you, then that’s fine,” Kunikida said and that seemed to jolt the man into action. Gliding over the short distance between them then grasping the tie around his neck, pulling him to press soft lips against Kunikida’s in a type of confession the man would never convey through words. The touch was short, warm, and a reminder that Chuuya was still breathing. Was still living, that despite having allowed himself to be consumed by the pure calamity of the creature inside him, he was still here. 

Pulling back, Chuuya offered him a slight, unsure smile, “If I was uninterested I would’ve made you stop talking. I’m just...wary,” he said, choosing his words carefully. 

“I know.” Kunikida sighed, “Do you think it’s worth it?” 

“Worth it?” 

“Something genuine?” 

Chuuya averted his gaze, azure eyes focusing on the floor as he thoroughly thought through the question. Exhaling an exasperated breath through his nose he answered, “For you? It’s worth trying.” 

At that, Kunikida smiled. Such an expression earned him the lightest flush dusting pale cheeks, fluttering lashes as owlish eyes blinked rapidly shutting completely when the blond closed the distance between them again. Arms going to wrap around Chuuya’s slender waist as the redhead reached up to tangle fingers in Kunikida’s hair. The kiss was an affirmation, a commitment that at this point in time didn’t need to be verbalized. Chuuya’s admission of this being worth a shot was enough. 

Pulling away Chuuya smirked and said, “That was a lot cheesier than I was expecting.” 

Kunikida’s eyebrow twitched, “Are you implying that you predicted this outcome as an eventual development?” 

Chuuya stepped back with a shrug, “It’s not like I’m completely dense. Especially when someone so openly pines after me. You’re more obvious than Tachihara was.” 

So basically everyone knew he was in love with Chuuya before he did, including Chuuya himself. 

Which, he couldn’t say bothered him too much when regardless of how slow on the uptake he was, this was the outcome. 

A worthy outcome despite how little Chuuya’s person resembled the being Kunikida had thought up in his Ideal. Because for all the ways he wasn’t who the blond assumed himself destined to be with one day, he made up for it in all the ways that mattered. And really, how could one ask for more than that?