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In Your Head

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He knows exactly how he’d do it.

When they’re sitting in the briefing room, it would be easy. Take out Parker first, she’s the biggest threat. She’s usually sitting next to him anyway, it wouldn’t be that hard to just reach over and snap her neck. Next would be Nate, then Sophie. Hardison would be last, he’s usually up at the front presenting, and besides, he’d be frozen in shock once it all started. No need to worry about him fighting back, or getting away. Just a quick vault over the table, a twist, and it would be over.

Wouldn’t take more than three seconds, probably.

(Who is he kidding about the probably ?)

Out on a job, it would be trickier, but still doable. He’d have to take out whoever he was with fast enough that they couldn’t say anything over the comms--easy--then get to the others one by one. He could easily get them to come to him.

And Eliot Spencer hates, he hates with all his heart and whatever is left of his soul that he knows all this.

But his mind has a way of racing ahead of him, and he knows that these people he works with, protects, loves are dangerous. And whenever he’s around anything that could be construed as a threat, his mind is working on how to neutralize it.

(Something deeper in him knows that these people are no threat to him . They’re his family . But he lost track of sides a long time ago, and the path to finding room for light and dark again amid all the grey is a long one.)

He shoves down the thoughts whenever they arise, and mostly, they stay under the surface. He can work, live, function as a seamless unit with his team and never think about how easy it would be to kill them.

But sometimes, the thoughts come back, and he wishes he weren’t so inured to violence that the very idea of the images making him throw up is laughable.

Once or twice, on really bad days, he entertains the idea of leaving. Running somewhere far away and trying to do what little good he can, somewhere where his team would be safe from him.

Then his rational side kicks in and tells him he’d sooner die than hurt any of them, than let any of them come to harm, and that no one can protect them like he can, and that if he left and one of them got hurt or killed on a job because he wasn’t there to stop it from happening it would be his fault. And he won’t be responsible for any more death, if he can help it. Especially not them.

His team. His wonderful, annoying, unbelievably messy amalgam of a team. They’re his responsibility now, and he has to do his best to be what they need. They don’t know what’s in his head, and they don’t need to. Because Eliot will do whatever it takes to keep them safe--but, more than that, to make them feel safe. If that means not being completely forthcoming, so be it.

(He needs them to trust him--it keeps them alive.)

(It’s pointless to wish he deserved that trust.)