Actions

Work Header

Heartfelt Insecurities

Chapter Text

Will threads his fingers with Nico’s and swings their hands back and forth, it’s cold but their hands are clammy and whenever they touch he’s filled with a warmth so generous it consumes him,

There’s a smell of rain that hangs in the corners of the empty alleyways that they just ‘have to take photos in,’ and when they do, Will always keeps them. His lock screen is of Nico with his slight smile and his dark hair a splotch of ink in front of the brilliant street art, obscured by the greyish tint rainy Sundays leave, the only time Nico smiles properly is when Will squishes their faces together and the snap chat filter is one of those ‘stupid dog ones.’

But Will doesn’t really notice that,

He kisses Nico and he tastes like the stars, but Nico pulls away first and he’s so caught up with misery that he doesn’t notice the group of giggly school kids that look at them. Will doesn’t hold his hand for the rest of the day and he doesn’t notice that Nico hardly breathes.

Chapter Text

From : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

>>  I’m srry

>>  *Sorry

sent 17:28

 

To : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

<< what for?? lol

sent 17:31

 

From : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

>>  I love you

sent 17:31

 

To : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

<< neeks?

sent 17:32

 

<< I love you too

sent 17:56

 

Nico doesn’t text back and Will sits by his phone until his legs fall asleep. Will doesn’t know Nico’s contact name for him is ‘🌻ray of fucking sunshine🌻’. There’s a storm that taints the sky with a greyish red so violent it quivers with lightning and it rains for hours.

Chapter Text

From : 🌻ray of fucking sunshine🌻

>>  storm going on :/

>>  u alright? ik u h8 them

sent 22:34

 

To : 🌻ray of fucking sunshine🌻

<< I’ll live

<< I miss you

sent 22:35

 

From : 🌻ray of fucking sunshine🌻

>>  want me 2 bring lady & the tramp??

sent 22:36

 

To : 🌻ray of fucking sunshine🌻

<< Yeah

sent 22:36

 

From : 🌻ray of fucking sunshine🌻

>>  alirhgt

>>  rip can’t speel

>>  fuck

>>  ok omw, i love u, miss u 2. Hang tight okay? try not 2 fall asleep, i dnt want u 2 get any nightmares, stay safe and eat u lil shit

sent 22:43

 

Nico smiles because he doesn’t think there’s anyone else on earth who’s as good as Will is, he wipes it off his face and empties himself out as quickly as it came because he doesn’t know if Will’s going to stay and shouldn’t he, of all people, know the word ephemeral?

 

From : 🌻ray of fucking sunshine🌻

>>  i’m here & i’m queer

>>  b proud i only ran ovr 3 old ladies 2day

sent 23:06

 

To : 🌻ray of fucking sunshine🌻

<< Oh my god you’re such a shitty driver

sent 23:07

 

From : 🌻ray of fucking sunshine🌻

>>  shutup it comes w being gay

>>  also hurry up & let me in, it’s cld & i look lik a creep

sent 23:08

Chapter Text

Will leans in to kiss Nico and Nico has to look both ways before letting him, Will shakes the rain from his hair and the lightning illuminates shadows into his watery blue eyes, he smells like shower water and bubblegum shampoo and the second the door shuts Nico can’t help but hug him. He’s damp and his wet turtle neck clings cold to Nico’s cheeks but it’s worth it, “I missed you,”

Will gives him a strange look and a grin, “You told me,” he sneaks in a kiss onto Nico’s lips and they’re  both bright red, “I love you,”

Nico mumbles something in response but he doesn’t say it back, “Did you bring the movie?” Nico had a vague memory of watching the film when he was younger and still in the lotus casino, he shared popcorn with Bianca and fell asleep right when the credits began to roll; it’d been his favourite ever since,

They watched through the grainy quality of Nico’s cheap, box-shaped tv, Nico flinched every time static hummed through the crackling audio and the thunder groaned through the trees and swallowed them up in white noise;

He fell asleep with his head in Will’s lap and didn’t wake up until well into the next day.

Will didn’t move once.

Chapter Text

When Nico wakes up, the sunlight filtered through his drawn tight curtains glints a shade of sapphire into his eyes and he can feel Will’s heartbeat, he hates that he has to look around twice in his empty house; as though someone, somewhere, would find him like this and take Will away too,

Nico liked Will,

A lot.

“I love you,” Nico whispers, Will’s heartbeats flicker in his chest and somewhere in his sleep induced coma he says it back,

Chapter Text

They go on a picnic date, the weather is so sunny and warm it paints Will golden, Nico doesn’t turn gold but he looks like roses to Will, they both wear big yellow t-shirts and pretty shoes stitched with sunflower patterns, Nico’s jeans have rips in the knees and Will writes ‘angel’ on the soles of his sneakers,

Nico shows Will how to intricately link flowers together and they turn daisy chains into crowns, Nico looks exceptionally pretty and Will makes him his lock screen again. Will shows Nico his glittery nails and Nico shows Will his cutest grin,

Will thinks all of his smiles are wonderful but when he says it out loud Nico tells him to whisper, “Let’s not make a scene,” even though there’s no one else there, Nico seems to remember that they’re legs are touching and fingertips brushing and he slowly shuffles away,

He mumbles a quiet apology and Will doesn’t notice the tears that stain his cheeks or the frown tugging down his lips, Nico stuffs his mouth with vegetarian pasta and cracks his knuckles one by one,

 

To : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

>> r u ok??

sent 15:43

 

From : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

<<  I love you

sent 15:43

 

To : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

[ Do you? ]

 

Will deletes it the second he types it and he feels so horrible that his heart aches and aches and all he can do is hug his knees to his chest. Twilight sucks the blue from the sky and spills a bucket of dark and purple, Will drives Nico home and doesn’t kiss him goodnight,

He cries the rest of the way home and doesn’t get out of bed the next day or the three after that.

Chapter Text

From : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

>> 11:11, make a wish

sent 11:11

 

To : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

[I wish you loved me back]

<< wish u smiled more :( such a cute fucking smile 🥰😍🥰🥰💖💞

sent 11:11

 

From : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

>>  Cheesy

>>  Want to know what I wished for?

sent 11:12

 

To : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

<< death?

sent 11:15

 

From : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

>>  Funny

>>  But no

>>  I wished to grow old with you.

sent 11:15

 

The air is knocked from Will’s lungs and his brain goes fuzzy and his heart all mushy, he reads it again and again and again,

 

To : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

<<🧡🧡🧡🧡💛💛💛💚💚💚💙💙💙💜💜💜💜🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💞💞💞💞💞💓💓💓💓💓💓💗💗💗💗💗💖💖💖💖💖💖💘💘💘💘💘💘💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝?????????

sent 11:26

 

Will spends the rest of the day in his room, he tapes photos of him and Nico all over the walls and wears Nico’s black beanie and the fuzzy sloth socks he gave him for Christmas.

 

He doesn’t sleep for days.

Chapter Text

From : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

>>  A little birdy told me that you’re a sleep-deprived racoon

>>  (PS the little birdy was your dad? For some reason?)

>>  (Please don’t make me talk to your dad for that long ever again, he read me all of his haikus -ALL of them.- Is it possible for someone to write so poorly and yet so beautifully?)

>>  (It’s an ART form)

sent 12:06

 

To : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

<< wtf was my dad doing w you

<< & lol, what????

<< also it’s all ur fault

sent 13:06

 

From : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

>>  Did I say something?

>>  Holy shit Will I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you

>>  I’m really fucking sorry I’m such a horrible boyfriend oh my god Will I’m so sorry

sent 13:08

 

To : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

<< lol, we love our dramatic gay

<< calm down u sarcastic lil shit

<< i’m still hyped from ur lil wish

<< so fucking cuttteee ( ; u ; )

sent 13:11

 

Will didn’t know of Nico’s shakey hands or of the panic that strung through his veins, he didn’t know how much Nico cared.

 

From : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

>>  Don’t laugh, asshole, I thought I seriously fucked up

>>  Also I don’t know, he just kind of, appeared? I was about to take Mrs O’Leary out for a walk and he was just, there? He was a concerned father (™) for a hot minute before he started blurting out poems

>>  ‘Chipotle, my love,’

>>  ‘Thou abandoned me for- her’

>>  ‘Meg’s a piece of shit,’

>>  Apparently Meg stole his leftovers and he’s salty

sent 13:20

 

To : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

<< lol i can’t believe u memorised that xd

<< my dad visits meg more than me

<< 🙃🙃🙃

sent 13:21

 

From : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

>>  Ooft

sent 13:21

 

To : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

<< -_-

<< not helping

sent 13:22

 

From : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

>>  :(

>>  Come over?

>>  I want to cuddle

>>  Now

sent 13:22

 

To : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

<< cuddle huh? taht’s new, lol

sent 13:23

 

From : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

>>  I’m sorry

sent 13:23

 

To : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

<< omw

sent 13:26

Chapter Text

From : 🌻ray of fucking sunshine🌻

>> i’m here uwu ,btw is this all an attempt 2 make me sleep?

sent 13:48

 

To : 🌻ray of fucking sunshine🌻

<< >:)

sent 13:48

Chapter Text

Nico makes toast with butter and strawberry jam and pours two glasses of strawberry milk, he puts a film in his DVD player without checking which one it is and they huddle up in his fluffy skeleton blanket. Will is so sleepy he gets jam all over his cheeks and milk on the new ‘Big Doctor Energy’ sweatshirt Nico bought him, he puts his head on Nico’s shoulder and they end up watching The Lorax. Will falls asleep barely halfway through and Nico has ‘How Bad Can I Be,’ stuck in his head for the rest of the week,

Nico carries Will to his bed and rolls him up in his bedsheets. When Will wakes up, he’s all alone.

Chapter Text

Nico’s asleep on the couch with his blankets huddled all the way up to his neck, his mouth hangs open and his fingers twitch, eyes scrunched up in distress, Will thinks about waking him up, so that the nightmares don’t get to him first, but for some reason he leaves and they don’t see each other until sometime next week.

Chapter Text

From : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

>>  Are you avoiding me?

sent 1:22

 

To : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

<< No.

sent 2:06

 

From : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

>>  Want to hang out? Miss you

sent 2:06

 

To : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

<< i’m busy 2day

sent 4:23

 

Will doesn’t do much for the rest of the day except try to sleep despite the guilt that swallows him up.

It doesn’t work.

Chapter Text

From : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

>>  Hey! Guess what?

sent 17:20

 

To : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

<< what? lol

sent 18:00

 

From : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

>>  You have to guess!!!

>>  Fine I’ll tell you; I got a promotion!!!!

>>  I love you.

>>  Are you free anytime soon?  I miss you loads :(

sent 18:04

 

To : DEATH 💕😍💖 BOY

<< cool, lol

<< ummmm, no sorry i’ve got stuff 2 do

sent 4:20

 

Will drives to his mom’s house instead, she greets him with a hug and they play uno and monopoly for hours, she tries to teach him how to play the ukulele and banjo but gives up when he breaks the strings. She introduces him to her new neighbour, he’s about Will’s age and very cute. “You’re cute,” his mom’s new neighbour tells him,

Will blushes but only a little bit, maybe it’s been a while since he’d last heard that, “Thanks, not too bad yourself,” he winks and promises himself it’s only some harmless flirting,

Even when they exchange numbers and text eachother all night long.

Chapter Text

From : Very Cute Neighbour Paolo

>>  Hello very cute man named Will

>> Good morning! I hope you slept well 😊😊😊

>>  Also I’ve recently rediscovered that doors can be used as weapons

sent 9:30

 

To : Very Cute Neighbour Paolo

<< did u get ur fingers stuck in the doorway again?

sent 9:32

 

From : Very Cute Neighbour Paolo

>>  Yes! I did and it is very painful!

>>  It is also bleeding very much!

sent 9:40

 

To : Very Cute Neighbour Paolo

<< -_-

<< dumbass,want me 2 come fix it up again? Lol

sent 9:41

 

From : Very Cute Neighbour Paolo

>> 🤕😬🥰💝 Yes please

sent 9:45

 

Will stares at the hearts Paolo sends him. He misses Nico.

Chapter Text

From : 🌻ray of fucking sunshine🌻

>>  Hey Nico

>>  Can we talk?

sent 15:14

 

To : 🌻ray of fucking sunshine🌻

<< Uh oh, you’re using proper grammar, punctuation and spelling

<< Of course, do you want me to come over?

sent 15:20

 

From : 🌻ray of fucking sunshine🌻

>>  Yeah, thanks

>>  See you soon, drive safe

sent 15:22

 

Nico expects the worst. He gets pulled over for driving too slow and when he gets to Will’s house he’s forgotten how to breathe completely,

He doesn’t want Will to go.

Chapter Text

Will waits for him to get inside and kick off his shoes before scooping Nico up and holding him close, “God, I missed you so fucking much.” Nico doesn’t smile and he definitely doesn’t try breathe, but he hugs Will back and tries not to cry,

“I missed you too,” Nico whispers, inaudible even if Will hears him, “How- are you?” wasn’t it ridiculous how they were madly in love and yet they couldn’t even look each other in the eye,

“Good, you?” how they couldn’t find the words that hovered before them,

Nico shrugged, cracking his knuckles into his side and sucking the side of his cheeks, it was hard to pretend to be okay when they looked so tired; eyes sunken in, breaths stained with coffee and tea, “Could be better,” when was the last time the air had been so heavy? So thick with an evident silence and so far from comfortable? “Uh- you wanted to talk?”

Chapter Text

 

When Will first saw Nico he was so small that his big brown aviator jacket cocooned him, he fills it up now but he’s still small. He had a dimpled smile and shook everyone’s hand in greeting, he didn’t have much of a family, just a sister who later lost contact with him somewhere in a forest far, far away and a mother who rose and fell like an angel. He used to drink with both hands cradling the cup, he still does and Will thinks it’s adorable,

They lived on the same street and he could hear Nico’s mother, Maria, sing from four houses down, she really did sound like an angel and even his father stopped on his morning run to listen. She used to invite him inside for juice and cheese puffs, Nico used to play card games with him. They’ve matured, though; they’re more used to mind games now,

In high school, Will got an anonymous note in his locker and all it said was ‘you’re annoying me.’ It was Nico’s handwriting but he pretended not to know that when they made out in the school bathrooms. His mouth tasted like apple juice for weeks,

It fell apart, but only a little bit, when they graduated, they both went to Harvard to study medicine. Will was proud and told all his friends and family and the stranger at the bus stop, Nico felt unworthy, he didn’t have anyone to tell anyways. The work piled at their feet and they stopped bumping into each other in the halls. But they fixed it, talked and picked up the chipped shards, they were okay. Nico dropped out and transferred to some nameless community college; he’s a teacher now.

But now what? What do they do now when they love each other so much that it’s impossible to not? Stupid, stupid love that courses through their veins and splits them up inside because they’re so full that they’re sick of it,

“Yeah,” Will whispers, unsure if his voice would hold, “Yeah, let’s talk,”

But they didn’t. Not for ages. Drinking each other up with tired eyes and worn smiles and it’s not working, their smiles just won’t work, “The weather’s nice,”

“It is,” they should be outside, on a picnic date or something else grossly romantic, but here they are, “I love you, you know that; right?”

Nico nodded, he trusted Will, even if everything else goes to shit he’ll still trust Will, “Yeah, I know,” Will reached for Nico’s hand, “I love you too,” Nico pulled away,

There was that silence again, sudden and tangible, a weight of guilt and anticipation, “Do you?” Nico face fell and Will’s stomach sank, too far and too far gone, “I feel like I love you way more than you love me, okay? It’s just, it sucks, okay? I love you more than anything in the world and it’s like- it’s like you don’t even give a shit about me,”

Oh dear, everything was falling to shit, “I’m sorry,”

“I hold your hand and kiss your cheek and you can’t even hug me without looking both ways- are you- are you ashamed of me?” Nico’s eyes widened and drowned with panic, “Because I get it? Okay? I’d be ashamed of me too.” Will says quietly, it hurts, more than if he were yelling,

“Will don’t say that-”

“No, no shut up, okay? Just please let me talk,” eggshells, glass, bones, “I talk with guys up till one in the morning and I don’t text back at once and I’m not good at anything I’m supposed to be good at. I’m not good at music or poetry and I’m not agile or sharp like any of my other siblings, I don’t visit my parents enough and I’m really fucking mediocre but- but I try, Nico, I try so hard and it’s like everything I do just goes to waste.” everything, shattered, broken and scattered,

“That’s not true! That’s not fucking true!”

“It is, Nico,” there was a photo of Nico pasted on the fridge, it was one of the few where he was smiling, Will was in the photo too but he scribbled his own face out with thick red marker and then tore it off completely, “I love you more than you love me and it’s fine, alright? I get it but please stop pretending, please don’t lie to my face like that,”

“Oh fuck off, are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? You talk to guys at one in the morning and you don’t text me back for hours, you never tell me what’s wrong and just expect me to know things, you’re petty and passive aggressive and never give me credit for anything well fuck you Will, fuck you for lying to me,” this wasn’t how it was supposed to go, what was he doing? He’s going to lose Will too, he’s going to lose Will, he’s going to lose him, “I know I’m not perfect but come on, if you really think that pda is so important in a relationship then maybe we shouldn’t be in one together.”

“It’s like you don’t even know me,” they were yelling now, voices raised, pointed glares, “It’s like I try so hard for nothing, do you even know my favourite colour?”

“Orange,” Will laughed, it wasn’t orange; it was yellow, “I’m sorry,”

“I feel like I’m being constantly compared to everyone around me because is it so hard to look at me? I want to hold your hand and kiss you and hug you and go on dates with you and I want to fucking be with you and I can’t do that when all you do is push me away, look at me, Nico; FUCKING LOOK AT ME.”

“I’m sorry,”

“Maybe you’re right, maybe we shouldn’t be together.”

Chapter Text

“Please, please don’t leave me,” heat spilt from Nico’s eyes, a knot tightened in his throat and he just couldn’t fucking breathe, “Will please don’t leave me!” his voice broke and cracked and fell apart completely,

“What am I supposed to do? Feel like I’m worthless? Feel like I’m not doing enough? Hang on to your words and your stupid fucking promises?” Nico clutched his arms around his body, clawing at his ribs as though he could open himself up, “I love you, Nico, I really fucking love you but I can’t love you and myself at the same time,”

“I hate you,” Nico’s voice was no more than a whisper and yet it stripped the skin from Will’s bones with cold, “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! You promised me, you said- you said!”

“Nico stop- please stop-”

“You- you!” he screamed in frustration before crumbling delicately to the floor, a withered daisy twisting into a corpse, “You can’t do this! Will! PLEASE DON’T DO THIS TO ME I CAN’T LOSE YOU.”

“Nico,” Nico continued to scream and choke on his sob filled lungs, wordlessly, Will sat down in front of him, arms open, muted by his speechlessness, “I’m sorry too,” sorry it didn’t work out or sorry that it was all his fault? He didn’t know,

Sniffing, Nico crawled into his lap and cried into his chest, “Don’t do this, please, please Will, please don’t do this,” Will hummed into his hair, answerless, rubbing his back and pulling him in, tighter, closer, “I’m sorry, it’s not true, I don’t hate you, I don’t hate you, Will, why can’t I hate you? I don’t want to and I can’t, Will please, please Will,”

“Let’s just talk, yeah? Can we do that?” Nico nodded into Will’s bright orange shirt, the really big one that said ‘Candy Helps Bones,’ “Are you hungry? Cold? Do you need water?”

Nico shook his head with a fond smile, rubbing away the moisture around his eyes with the heel of his hand, “What is your favourite colour?” he says softly, lacing their fingers together, it felt nice, Will squeezed back reassuringly and it was all he needed, “Mine is blue, your eyes are blue and it’s kinda cute but no homo,”

“Yeah, obviously. I like yellow, it’s a nice colour. Are you okay?”

“Tired, mostly. I’m sorry for yelling at you,” Will said nothing, pulling him closer, Nico tensed but neither pulled away, “I love you, and it scares me how much I love you because usually when I love someone I lose them,”

“Maybe,” Will tucked Nico’s thick raven hair behind his ears, “Maybe not. Is that why you don’t like kissing me? Or does my breath just smell that bad?”

Will’s breath smelt like honey, if anything, “Yeah, I don’t want to let you go, is that selfish?”

“I don’t want to let you go either, so I guess we’re both just selfish, huh?”

“We’re fucked,” Will snorts, “Thank you, Will, thank you so much,”

“I’m sorry, for being so ignorant I should have talked to you sooner,” Nico shrugged, but he smiles nonetheless, “It’s- it’s okay, if you don’t want to make out all the time or whatever, take your time. I love you more than your lips,”

“Poetic,”

“Thanks, I get it from my dad,”

Chapter Text

From :  💖💗 my beautiful husband 💗💖

>>  Steal my socks again, I dare you.

sent 18:54

 

To :  💖💗 my beautiful husband 💗💖

<< u just notice?d

<< also can we jst have pizza 4 dinner? Not bothered 2 cook :/

sent 18:56

 

From :  💖💗 my beautiful husband 💗💖

>>  Your spelling is actually going to kill me

>>  And yes we can have pizza, are you okay?

sent 18:57

 

To :  💖💗 my beautiful husband 💗💖

<< i will b

<< when i c ur beautiful faCe uwu

<< ihgflyicwtjngihuyhihyg

<< sorry i got attac0ked by a BEE!!!

<< 👊😔🤕🤕😨😨😢😢😢😡😡😡😡🐝🐝🐝

sent 19:02

 

From :  💖💗 my beautiful husband 💗💖

>>  I can’t believe I’m stuck with you forever

>>  Why couldn’t I fall in love with Paolo, your mum’s cute neighbour

sent 19:03

 

To :  💖💗 my beautiful husband 💗💖

<< ✌😜😘😘😘💋💋💍💍💍

sent 19:04

 

From :  💖💗 my beautiful husband 💗💖

>>  Someone as annoying as you should not be trusted with emojis

>>  Wait are you driving? No texting and driving, Will!

>>  Get home safe

>>  I love you

sent 19:05

 

To :  💖💗 my beautiful husband 💗💖

<< yes DAD

sent 19:05

 

From :  💖💗 my beautiful husband 💗💖

>>  Kinky

>>  ;)

sent 19:05

 

To :  💖💗 my beautiful husband 💗💖

<< divorce

sent 19:06

Chapter Text

From : 🖤💀Significant Annoyance TM💀🖤

>> hey there sunshine ⛅ angel 😇 my shooting star 🌠

sent 19:50

 

To : 🖤💀Significant Annoyance TM💀🖤

<< Did you forget your keys?

sent 19:50

 

From : 🖤💀Significant Annoyance TM💀🖤

>>  ding ding ding! yes i ddi! now let me in lol

sent 19:50

 

To : 🖤💀Significant Annoyance TM💀🖤

<< You’re lucky I love you

sent 19:51

 

From : 🖤💀Significant Annoyance TM💀🖤

>>  soft boi

>>  i am lucky.

>>  I love you.

sent 19:51