“Fucking finally.“ Jimin let out in relief when they left the small restaurant for the last time, Jimin holding an envelope in his hand. Yoongi had actually asked their boss whether they could receive it in cash because it would just disappear in Jimin’s bank account, and carrying it in your hand was an experience of its own.
“So, what are your final thoughts?” Yoongi asked amusedly, pushing his hands deeper into his pockets.
“First of all, apparently four hundred dollars is actually a lot of work, like ew.” Jimin stated, scrunching up his nose. “I’m glad I’m loaded.”
Yoongi rolled his eyes. “And?”
“Aside from that, working with you was quite fun. I mean, sure it’s work, but I feel like I actually got stuff done and learned some shit. Also, our boss was an asshole. I’ll be a better boss someday. I mean that’s not really a high standard, but it’s something.” Jimin chuckled, interlinking their fingers.
“Wanna go do some stuff today? We could go to a bar or a cinema or-“
“And stoooop. Now think about that money you have… cinema is around 40 to 50 dollars and in a bar each drink is about 6 dollars… you really want to waste that much money?” Yoongi explained but Jimin just shrugged his shoulders.
“I wanna have fun, though.”
“We can do less expensive stuff. I don’t wanna be mean, but dating you has been quite expensive so far, because I really don’t want you to pay everything for me, but I also don’t have the money to do all the stuff you want to do. So how about a simple evening watching some tv and eating chips or something like that?”
Jimin frowned. “You should have said something earlier.”
“I have now. What do you think?”
Sighing, Jimin nodded. “Okay. How about going on a walk for a change? I could drive us to the outer edges of Seoul. There are a couple of nice routes.”
A warm smile took over Yoongi’s features. “Yeah, sure. That sounds great.”
When they got back to Yoongi’s apartment, it was already around nine pm. Jimin’s legs hurt and it had been a long day. Stepping forward to walk into the kitchen, he tripped over a familiar brown box he certainly had tripped over at least five times by this point because his brain was too stupid to register an unmoving box.
Curiosity got the better of him. “What’s that?”
Yoongi looked up to see Jimin pointing at the box. His lips pressed into a thin line. “My father’s belongings.”
Jimin furrowed his brows. “Why are they here? Why not stow them away somewhere else?”
“Because I still haven’t gone through them.”
“Why not?” Jimin wasn’t trying to annoy Yoongi. He was simply curious. Yoongi knew, which was the main reason he didn’t get angry with Jimin even though his father was still a pretty sensitive topic for him.
“It’s a bit… I don’t know. I’m not sure if I’m ready for it.” He admitted, leaning against the wall.
“Why shouldn’t you be? They’re his belongings… I know that it’s pretty harsh to remember everything after what happened, but he is your father and he means a lot to you. I think that it might make you feel better? You probably know it better than me, but…” Jimin rambled but Yoongi cut him off, reassuringly patting his shoulder.
“It’s okay. I know what you mean and you would be right, but it’s not just that. After the police showed up to tell me about what happened, I went to his room because I was feeling... really empty and wanted to feel something. He left a suicide note… at least, I think it is. I haven’t read it yet and I’m… scared of reading it.” Yoongi admitted. It took him a lot of energy to be this honest about his feelings. He was never the type to really disclose what he felt, but he wanted to with Jimin even if he had to force himself because he hated showing weakness. “I feel like it might push me back into a worse headspace. I’m feeling better right now; haven’t really had any struggles with depression for months and I want it to stay that way.”
The way Jimin looked at him made warmth spread through him. Jimin wasn’t looking at him with pity or something like that; more so sympathy, with a bit of worry, laced in. He took a step forward, reaching his hand out and tracing it over Yoongi’s cheek. “I won’t let that happen. I’m here for you now. Your situation is ten times better than it was half a year ago and it will probably only get better from this point on. I swear to god, if you dare get depressed again, I’ll lock you in my room and cuddle you until you feel better and you won’t be allowed to leave any sooner.”
Yoongi chuckled, leaning forward and kissing Jimin softly. “Thank you.”
“No need to thank me.” Jimin smiled, before brushing his thumb over Yoongi’s cheek. “I’m not trying to pressure you into anything… but couldn’t it be that the fact that you still haven’t read it yet stresses you out? Maybe getting over with it would be the healthier way? I might be wrong. I’ve never been in such a situation before.”
Yoongi sighed, leaning his head against Jimin’s shoulder. It took him a couple of seconds to answer. “You’re probably right you know… it’s just… I don’t know. I have no idea what he wrote in there and I’m scared of finding out.” His voice was shaky.
Jimin’s hands instantly went up to run over his back soothingly. “Hey it’s okay to be scared of something. I’m here with you.”
For a second Jimin didn’t get what he meant until he realized Yoongi was referring to the letter.
“If you feel like you’re ready for it. I’m here with you. I could try being moral support and hold your hand or something like that.” Jimin offered, slowly rubbing Yoongi’s back. “You’re not alone in this unless you’d prefer to be.”
“No, I want you to be here.” Yoongi whispered, sounding tired.
“Okay.” Jimin squatted down, grabbing the box and quickly walking towards the bedroom.
Yoongi followed him, confused. “What are you doing?”
“We’re not gonna keep standing here while you go through this stuff.” Jimin declared, before carefully placing the box on the foot of the bed.
Yoongi watched him in silence. Jimin quickly changed the location of some pillows to make it possible to properly sit there, before sitting down and patting the bed between his legs. “Wanna sit here or would you prefer something else? I’m okay with everything. Just thought this way I could hug you better.”
Yoongi shook his head before sitting down and leaning against Jimin’s chest. “That’s fine with me. I think I might need it. God, I can’t believe I’m gonna do this.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I want to.”
Not stalling for time any further, Yoongi sat down, grabbing and opening the box. Jimin watched as Yoongi went through some of the stuff before pulling out a smaller box. This one held only one small envelope, with Yoongi messily written on top of it.
Taking a slow deep breath Yoongi pulled a folded sheet from it, still not opening it. “If I cry… which I most certainly will, I want you to hold me, even if I think I don’t want to be held in that moment.”
“What if you end up actually wanting to be alone?” Jimin asked softly, pecking the back of Yoongi’s neck. It was a warm gesture Jimin hoped would somehow sooth Yoongi’s nerves.
“I’ve spent enough time thinking I want to be alone when all I really need is someone to be there for me. Just trust me when I say I need it, even if, at that moment, I think I don’t.” Yoongi stated, rubbing his hand over Jimin’s leg. “But don’t you dare tease me about this later; if I cry it, never happened, okay?”
“What did I say about it being okay to be weak every once in a while. I swear, I’m finally over my toxic masculinity thing, and now, you start.” Jimin joked, easing the atmosphere a bit.
Yoongi laughed warmly. “Sorry.”
There was a long pregnant pause.
“I’m gonna…” Yoongi pointed at the still folded piece of paper.
Jimin nodded, wrapping his arms around Yoongi’s waist and hugging him from behind. “Do that.” He pressed a kiss to the back of Yoongi’s neck. “I love you.”
The words slipped from his lips so easily it took him a good ten seconds to realize what he was saying. When he did, his heart pretty much stopped for a couple of seconds. “Sorry… that’s not the right timing… I-“ He spluttered, wishing he had some good explanation as to why he’d said it exactly now.
Yoongi stopped him by putting his hand up. “Don’t apologize. Thank you.” He turned around, capturing Jimin’s lips in a sweet kiss.
“I’ll make sure to find a better time to say it back, though.” Yoongi teased.
“Take all the time you need to find that perfect time.” Jimin chuckled, before realizing how much he meant that.
Maybe in the past, not hearing ‘I love you, too’ back would have made him go crazy over time and really would have made him question the relationship, but with Yoongi, it was just… he really knew Yoongi. Never felt like there was anything that he was keeping from him.
He knew that even if Yoongi did not say it back right away, that didn’t mean that he didn’t care for Jimin. It just meant that maybe unlike Jimin, he wasn’t quite ready for those words yet, because at least to Jimin, those words were heavy with a lot of meaning behind them.
Yeah, they were overused in most romantic movies, but at least the way Jimin saw it, they held a lot of meaning. He would never say those words to someone he couldn’t imagine maybe even spending the future with. And just seconds ago, they’d come out so easily and Jimin knew he really meant them.
But right now, it wasn’t about this. It was about Yoongi looking at that letter. He could tell that Yoongi was stalling for time by the way his hands anxiously clasped around the paper.
Jimin didn’t want to stress him, but nevertheless, he leaned forward to peck Yoongi’s cheek. “Come on. We had plans before I decided to make things awkward.”
Yoongi chuckled, hitting Jimin’s leg. “You didn’t make things awkward… I think I might be more prepared to read it now…”
Jimin nodded slowly before placing another kiss on Yoongi’s cheek and then pulling back, simply resting his arms around Yoongi’s stomach.
Sighing, Yoongi turned back to face forward again and very slowly unfolded the letter. The whole page was filled with words, and after another moment of hesitance, Yoongi started reading.
Jimin didn’t, not wanting to read something that was this personal without Yoongi’s permission. Those were his father’s last words to him; something Jimin, even if he wanted to know what Yoongi was going through, wasn’t going to prey on. If Yoongi would want him to read it, he would show him anyway.
So he simply leaned his head against Yoongi’s back, one of his hands soothingly rubbing over Yoongi’s arm.
They sat in complete silence for a good minute before Yoongi brought his hand up to his mouth and started sobbing. Jimin simply wrapped his arms around Yoongi a bit tighter, who leaned back, still reading.
When he was done, he said absolutely nothing, simply handing the letter to Jimin, silently giving him permission to read, before turning sideways and leaning against Jimin’s chest, burying his face in the crook of Jimin’s neck.
He didn’t make any noises anymore, but Jimin could feel the dampness of his tears against his neck. He brought his hand up to card through Yoongi’s hair, before beginning to read the letter.
I know I haven’t always been a good father. I’ve made many mistakes in my life, many of them towards you but I can proudly say that I never saw you as one of them.
You’re the only positive thing that seems to have come out of me and I’m glad you’ve grown up so well and I’m sorry that I haven’t been the father I should have been to you.
I’m taking the easy way out right now and I know. If you’ve found this it’s probably already too late. I wish I could say that I overcame my problems to be there for you but it would be a lie. I’ve never been the father to you that you would have deserved and even so you’ve turned out beautifully.
There are so many things I regret. Not being there when you graduated high school. Not being the one to drive you to your first job. Forcing you to take care of me, but you never left.
You were always too good natured for your own good just like your mother considering she decided to fall in love with a loser like me…
I don’t know what to write. There is so much I wish I could tell you. So much I wish I would have done differently, but it is what it is.
And I’m proud of you. As proud as a father could be.
I’m being egotistical but please tell your mother I never once stopped loving her. She’ll always have a place in my heart no matter where I’ll go now.
I love you Yoongi
You’re the son I never could believe was actually my child. My son to be proud of.
With that the letter ended, the only thing still added was a name Jimin assumed belonged to Yoongi’s father. Carefully, not to cause any damage to it, he put the letter to the side before wrapping both of his arms around Yoongi.
Yoongi’s father’s words weren’t perfect. They were the confused ramble of a man who had too many feelings and didn’t know where to go with all of them, but they got one message across pretty clearly. That he’d always loved Yoongi.
Knowing that the question was probably dumb but asking nevertheless Jimin leaned against Yoongi's back. “How do you feel?”
“I…” Yoongi hesitated, his voice rough and broken from crying. “I… it’s complicated. It’s relieving that he seemed to have at least a moment of peace before letting go… but… he was there when it happened. It wasn’t a drunk accident or an intoxicated decision he made. He was sober when he decided that his life was shitty to the point where he thought death was easier.”
“It was a decision he made for himself. He was probably exhausted from everything… he’ll have it easier now.”
Yoongi nodded slowly, breathing deeply. “I feel… lighter. Sad, but lighter.”
“That’s good.” Jimin smiled reassuringly. “You’ll have enough time to think about it and come to terms with it to some extent… and I’ll always be here if you need me.”
Yoongi nodded, slowly pushing off of Jimin to properly face him. His eyes were red and Jimin could tell by the way he kept looking up every other second, his lips forming a soft frown, that he was trying to bite back tears.
“You don’t have to hold back around me.” Jimin tried, reaching his hand out and brushing over Yoongi’s cheek. The older bit his lip, but continued glancing away.
Not accepting that behavior, Jimin let himself fall back onto the bed, pulling Yoongi on top of himself and forcing him to rest his head on Jimin’s chest. When he tried to get up again, Jimin held him in place.
“I’m gonna go to sleep now.” Jimin declared, not leaving any room for discussion, simply grabbing the blanket and throwing it over him and Yoongi, before softly placing his arms around Yoongi again. “Good night.” With that he turned off the light and closed his eyes.
A couple of seconds passed, Yoongi lying on top of him, body tense like he was considering fighting against Jimin’s grip and getting up, but after a certain amount of time, he slowly started relaxing, hesitantly dropping his head down on Jimin’s chest and loosely letting his hands rest next to his body.
Even though he’d said he was going to sleep, Jimin silently observed Yoongi’s reaction. They simply laid there in silence for a good ten minutes when Yoongi started sobbing again so silently that if the room wasn’t as mute as it was, apart from their breathing, Jimin would have missed it.
Not saying a word, Yoongi brought his hands up to Jimin’s chest, burying them in the fabric of his t-shirt, probably wrinkling it up, but Jimin couldn’t have cared less. Instead, he brought his hands down to Yoongi’s waist, reassuringly squeezing it before pecking the top of his head again.
“You’re doing great.” He would have said more, but he didn’t want to make Yoongi uncomfortable, so instead, he just closed his eyes again, his hand tracing patterns into Yoongi’s skin. Sometimes silence was the better pick.
Jimin didn’t know exactly how long Yoongi cried, but at some point it stopped. Yoongi still didn’t move an inch though, staying on Jimin, continuing to cling to him. Jimin didn’t mind. He enjoyed, for once, being able to do something for Yoongi, too.
And then, some time later, when he was sure Yoongi had fallen asleep, he did too.