TO WALK AWAY FROM PARADISE
Logan: “It’s no simple thing, I imagine, to walk away from Paradise.”
Please Note: If you haven’t read my Kurt Darkholme series, some of the references to past happenings in the following story may be confusing.
I sit on the roof and look at the star-filled sky above me. I am alive once again. But my thoughts are in turmoil. What does it mean to be alive without a soul? How is that even possible? I don’t feel any different than I did before. Or do I?
Although I will never tell anyone else, where once there was faith, now there is uncertainty. I saw Heaven and so I know it exists. But have I exiled myself from ever going back there? If I were to die, what would happen?
I have questions, but no answers. Even when I try to pray, I feel cut off and alone. Mein Gott, what have I done?! If I could, would I go back and undo it?
No, I would not, for I recall only too well that moment when my arms closed around Logan’s half-frozen body and I knew again what happiness was, even though I was still dead.
Unfortunately, that moment couldn’t last long. There was a battle to be fought, and we came out triumphant, although Logan almost died in the process. Even then he urged me to forget about him and carry on the fight.
As if I could ever forget about Logan.
And so we won the battle. He survived, even without his healing factor. We all returned safely to the Jean Grey School.
So here I sit, watching the stars move around the Great Wheel of Heaven, wondering if I did the right thing.
I want Logan. I want his too rare smile of joy. I want his friendship. I want his arms around me. I want to feel his fingers on my fur, his hands stroking my tail. And yes, I want his hard cock inside me, and mine in him.
Heaven help me! Did I give away my soul just to have him again? Surely not. Surely I had the greater good in mind, not merely my own happiness.
I hear the door to the tower open behind me, and footsteps approach across the shingles of the roof. Footsteps that I recognize all too well. He shouldn’t be up here. The roof is steep and the footing all too treacherous. He could fall. Unlike in the past, he could die. But I know I must not try to protect him. He wouldn’t tolerate that.
He sits down beside me. We talk. Somehow, he knows my inner conflict and seems to understand. But I see the anguish on his face and hear it in his voice. This is a part of him that I’ve never seen before. He looks -- defeated.
When he asks what I promised the Bamfs in return for my body. I almost tell him the truth, but I cannot. So I lie and tell him I gave them nothing.
After that, there seems no more for us to say to each other. He stands up and heads for the door as I sit staring glumly at my shadow on the roof. I think he knows I lied, so he is leaving.
“Logan,” I say softly without even turning my head, knowing he’ll hear me. “Please don’t go.”
The footsteps stop.
“I thought ya wanted to be left alone, Elf.”
“I thought so too. But I do not.” I still cannot look at him.
He comes back. Sitting down beside me, he puts an arm tentatively around my shoulders.
Now what can I say? Nothing about souls, or the lack thereof, that’s for sure.
“I did not think you had it in you, to be headmaster of a School such as this.”
“After all I been through after you died -- goin’ to Hell for a while, and the Red Right Hand -- I felt I had to do somethin’ really good.” He hesitates. “It ain’t been easy, especially without you around.”
“I vas – around as much as I could be.”
“Yeah, but I was never real sure it wasn’t just my imagination, when I thought I saw you and talked to you.”
“No, I vas really there. But it vas the best I could do. It is very -- difficult for the dead to contact the living.” That’s an understatement, to say the least. But Logan does not need to know how much it cost me to get through to him, not to mention all the times when I managed to contact my doppelgänger from that other universe.
I decide it is time to change the subject.
“How are you getting along now that you are no longer indestructible, mein alter Freund?”
His arm falls from my shoulder as he shrugs and turns away, unwilling to meet my eyes. When he does that, I know this is something he doesn’t want to talk about.
I give him a comradely punch on the shoulder. “Shall ve go out for a beer? I bet I can drink you under the table now, vithout your healing factor.”
All this elicits from him is a feeble grin. So much for the humorous approach.
“Seriously, how are you doing?”
“No problems. I just have to be a little more careful than before.” He shrugs again. “I’m fine.”
I know he is lying to me, just as I lied to him.
For several long moments, we sit like that. He bows his head. I see the starlight glisten on a tear running down his cheek. It brings back a memory. I speak without thinking. “In that frozen vasteland, vhen I held you in my arms, I knew it vould all be vorth it.”
He looks over his shoulder at me, a slight frown creasing his forehead.
“Worth what, Elf?”
You are the man for whom I gave up my soul. But I cannot tell him that. “It vas vorth the loss of Heaven, just to be by your side again.”
Finally, he reaches back and places his hand on my arm. “Ya don’t mean that, darlin’.”
“Ja, I do.”
“You’d trade that peace and joy -- for this?”
I turn him around to face me. He does not resist. “Peace and joy can become boring. Ve are not meant for that sort of thing.” I give him a big grin. “Or maybe ve just are not ready for it yet, nicht wahr?”
“I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that. Wanna know the truth, Elf? I belong in Hell. Maybe after I defeated the Devil, I shoulda just kept that sword I took from Sabertooth and stayed there to run the damn place. Without you around, I fell apart. The Berserker took over.” He shakes his head. “I’m not worth your respect, much less your friendship – and your – ”
He cannot say it, so I do. “My love?”
“You are all I have ever vanted, Logan. You should know that by now.”
He breaks free and stands up, turning his back to me.
“Find someone else, Kurt. I ain’t worth it.”
I know he will walk away from me again, if I don’t do something. So I port over in front of him and out of my clothes at the same time, and stand before him, naked and erect.
“Mein Freund, you are vorth it all.”
Before I can make another move, he comes to me. We hold each other tightly, our lips meeting in a long and hungry kiss. When I open my eyes, I see his face framed against the stars.
Finally, he pulls away. “We should go inside.”
“Vhy? Vhat better place than here?”
“On the roof?”
“Ja. Under the open sky. Let the hosts of Heaven look down and see my love for you.”
“Can they do that?”
I shrug. “Das weiß ich nicht.”
I start unzipping his fly, but Logan takes hold of my hand and stops me.
“Darlin’, I don’t have my healin’ factor anymore and I’ve been screwin’ around since you’ve been gone. We need –”
“Ja. Du hast recht. I vill go and get vhat ve need.”
I am back before he has even finished getting his cock out of his pants.
Logan may be very agile and athletic, but I am not entirely sure he can keep his balance on such a steep roof. If he fell –
It is hard to think of him as being vulnerable to injury, but I will have to get used to this new reality.
He is straddling the center of the roof, one foot on either side. That seems to be the safest place for someone unable to cling to surfaces as I can.
Tearing open the foil packet, I position the condom carefully in my mouth, then go down on my knees in front of him, leaning forward to slide my lips around his erection and unroll it along his shaft. I take hold of his thighs, keeping him securely in position.
“Oh god, Elf!” he exclaims softly as I suck him deep into my throat, not an easy thing to do while I must at the same time keep my fangs from shredding both the condom and his cock.
For only a short time, I hold him in my mouth, since I do not want it to end here.
The surprised look on his face when I release his twitching cock almost makes me laugh. I pick up the packet of lube that I brought with the condoms and hold it out to him, as I turn around so that I’m on hands and knees, my tail raised and off to one side, offering him my ass.
He takes the hint, as I knew he would. Kneeling behind me, he coats his cock with lube and squeezes the rest out between my buttocks. For a brief moment, I wonder if this new body will allow him to enter me as easily as the old one did. He has the same thought.
“Elf, are you –”
“Just do it.”
His penis isn’t overly long, but it is thick. As he pushes into me, it hurts, but he goes slowly, allowing me time to relax and accept it. I wrap my tail over and around his waist, pulling him hard against me, as I rejoice in the feeling of fullness and pressure, the steady thrusting that lifts me higher and higher towards that ineffable ecstasy.
He reaches around and takes my cock in his hand, squeezing and stroking in time with his own inside me. All I can do is gasp with each quick breath, “Oh ja, ja, ja” – the universal chant of sex and affirmation.
When he rubs a finger around and over my slit, I come, and he follows quickly. As my semen spurts out onto the shingles of the roof, I feel a brief regret that his does not flow into me, as it usually did. But that doesn’t really matter. What matters is that he holds me and I hold him, and we are joined in the greatest delight a human being may know.
Lieber Gott, if this ecstasy does not exist in Heaven, vhat is Heaven for? This is my Logan, I am his and he is mine, no matter who else either of us have or ever vill have. This is vhere I belong. Mein Paradis ist jetzt und hier!
Before Logan can pull out, I wrap my tail even more securely around him, as I simultaneously grab my discarded uniform. “Hold on,” I warn.
The next second, we are on the bed in his room.
We disentangle ourselves from each other. While I stretch luxuriously, working out the kinks in some of my still unfamiliar muscles, Logan grimaces and holds his stomach. “Damn, Elf, it’s even worse now when you port me around. Makes me feel like throwin’ up.”
After a moment to recover, he glances down at the used condom he still wears. Sliding it off, he ties a knot in the open end and tosses it accurately across the room into the wastebasket.
“Wish we didn’t need to bother with that,” he grumbles, as he gets up and takes off his clothes.
“There are many things in this vorld vith vhich I truly vish ve did not have to bother, but a thin piece of latex is not one of them.”
My elaborately correct grammar draws a smile from his lips. “I guess Heaven isn’t as messy as it is down here, huh?”
“It is not.” I pat the bed next to me, and he takes the hint, lying down on his back with his arms crossed behind his head. I roll over next to him and run a fingertip down his limp but still moist cock as I tell him, “But there are many messy things down here that are much more fun to play vith than all the purported joys of Paradise.”
“Ya mean there’s no sex in Heaven?”
“If there vas, I did not find it.”
“Did ya look?”
His question takes me aback. “Uh – no. I did not. I vas too busy keeping track of vhat vas going on down here.”
“Then maybe there is, and you just don’t know about it.” He grins. “Ya disappoint me, darlin’. I thought that would be the first thing you’d do.”
I grin back, fangs and all. “Vithout you? Vhy vould I bother?”
“You were there amongst all those beautiful angels and archangels, and the best you could do was think about me? I can’t believe that.”
“I can’t believe it either,” I joke back, striking my forehead extravagantly with the palm of my hand. “Vhat vas I thinking, being celibate for all that time?”
Logan’s smile abruptly evaporates.
“There was – someone else – while you were dead. Actually, several someones, even a woman or two, but mostly that other Kurt.”
“Ja, das weiß ich. I vas there vith you each time, remember?”
He blinks his eyes and grimaces slightly. “And you’re not pissed off?”
“Nein, vhy should I be? I am not a jealous man. Especially vhen I am dead.”
“I couldn’t help it, Kurt. He was so much like you. At first, I tried to pretend he was you. Then I realized he wasn’t, and couldn’t be, but I started liking him for what he was. When he betrayed me, I was furious, but part of it was just a cover up for how much I hurt.”
“I know. And I vas very proud of him, in the end.”
“He’s dead, isn’t he?”
“That is something I may not speak of.”
“Does that mean he survived?”
I cannot answer that. All I can do is hold up my hand to stop him from asking any further.
“But you do know what happened to Kurt Darkholme, don’t ya?”
“Ja. But it is forbidden to tell the living such things.”
He nods in acknowledgement.
“Ya know, the strangest things started happening after you died. Various versions of you began showing up. First there were all those Bamfs hanging out at the School, then Kurt Darkholme. Then that kid from yet another universe, Kurt Waggoner. It’s almost as if all these other Kurts appeared to fill the gap left by your death. And along with all that, there was another one of me, who was gay and had Hercules as his lover.” He shakes his head. “It was pretty crazy-making there for a while. Oh yeah, and I forgot Kim, the Korean mutant. At least he was from our world, instead of some alternate world.”
“Ja. I know a little about him. I vould like to meet him someday, if he is still alive.”
I rearrange myself so that I am lying on my back, with my head resting on Logan’s belly. There are things I wish to talk about, but I am not so sure he would want to be looking me in the face while I did so. “Remember vhen you vere climbing that mountain, then jumping off, then climbing again?”
“Yeah. I thought you were really there with me for a little bit, trying to tell me to stop. Was that for real?”
“Of course. And, as usual, you did not listen to me.”
“Well, eventually, I stopped.” He thinks a minute, then asks, “How about the first time Darkholme and I were – uh – having sex? For a moment, I thought you --”
“I vas vatching. And vishing I could be there vith you. But I vas also glad you had him.”
“I thought so. He told me he saw you too.”
“He did.” And he heard me ask him to take care of you. But you are not supposed to know that.
“And then Deadpool got involved.”
“Ah! That night on top of the butte! I could not help eavesdropping on them.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That place in the desert, that belonged to Warren? Cavern X, or something like that?”
“I didn’t know about that. You mean they --?”
“Hmph! Did they do anything else I don’t know about?”
Of course, there is a lot more about Kurt Darkholme that Logan doesn’t know, but I cannot tell him of that. “Vell, that is really not your business, is it?”
”I guess not. And I guess you’re not gonna tell me.”
“I am not. But I do remember the time all three of you got together. Now, that vas hot!”
“Yeah.” I can almost hear the smile in Logan’s voice as he thinks about it. “Wade in that leather get-up. He sure looked handsome for a short time, didn’t he?”
His voice is not the only thing that comes alive as he relives the memory of that threesome.
“Ja,” I tell him. “And don’t forget the blue glass dildo.”
“Uh – ya don’t mind that I used one of our favorite toys on that other Kurt?”
“No, of course not. Besides, he seemed to like it as much as I do, nicht wahr?”
“Yeah. Too bad it got blown up along with the rest of our temporary home.”
“Unlike the real thing,” I point out, turning my head toward his erection, “toys can alvays be replaced.”
“Yeah, well, I used to be able to ‘replace’ this too. But that’s all over.”
I don’t want him to pursue that line of thought. “I did not know Vade Vilson very vell, but vhat I saw of him vith you and Darkholme vas – interesting.”
“He’s a crazy one, all right.”
“Ja. But sometimes he can pick up on things that others do not notice.”
“Yeah, I guess so. But usually he’s just insane.” Logan shakes his head. “Ya really don’t mind that I did all that with them, Elf?”
“Ve have never promised to ‘forsake all others’, as the saying goes. And I vas dead anyvay. Vhat bothered me most vas that I could not join in the action.” I reach down to my cock, which is now as stiff as Logan’s, and give it a suggestive caress, then glance up at him.
He is smiling. “Now, that would have been somethin’ real special: two of you, with me and Wade.”
“Just imagine vhat ve could have done!”
“Yeah.” He sits up a bit, so that he can look down at me. “You know, when we were back on that pirate ship, it was great to be fightin’ our enemies again together. For a minute, I didn’t think I was gonna survive. But I didn’t really care, since I’d have been glad to die there beside you, fighting the bad guys the way we used to do.”
“You vere ready to die, vhen I had just come back to life? You are a heartless creature indeed!” I say in mock anger, taking a swing at him with my tail.
He catches it, and starts running his hand along its length.
I suck in my breath, as the thrill runs from the end of my tail all the way to the end of my cock. “Confess, Logan. You enjoyed being a pirate, but you especially liked having me as your captain, telling you vhat to do.”
He starts to object, then just gives me that familiar shit-eating grin he gets on his face when he wants to fuck me.
“I loved it, darlin’,” he admits. “So what are your orders, mein Kapitän?”
“Ich will dich ficken.”
“Jawohl, Herr Kapitän!”
He gets onto his hands and knees, but I give his ass a good smack with my hand. “Not that vay, you ignorant landlubber! I vant to see your face vhen I ram my cannon into you.”
“With the greatest pleasure, my sweet pirate,” he says, turning over obediently onto his back and opening his legs. The fierce Wolverine who strikes terror into the hearts of his enemies with his fearsome claws, reaches out for me like an eager bride.
Now it’s my turn to fumble around on the nightstand and grab a condom, as he watches me intently. I make a big show of putting it on, unrolling it slowly along the now-purplish shaft of my cock like a striptease in reverse, while his own penis twitches and stiffens even more, if such a thing is possible.
As much as I want him right this minute, I also want to keep things light and joyful. I can see the tension in his face and body, and I know there must be some devastating conflict deep inside him: a conflict he will not share, even with me. If we were in a circus, I would say he is walking the highwire above an abyss of insanity, knowing there is no net below to save him if he slips. Or perhaps he is more like the animal tamer, who faces creatures far larger and more powerful than himself with nothing more than a chair, a whip, and his own confidence to keep him in charge of the situation. But the animal my Logan must tame is not outside him. It is the Berserker within his own soul that he confronts. I think he fears he will lose the battle this time.
All this I can see in his shadowed eyes, the new creases in his face, and the way he holds himself even now, stiff and guarded when he should be relaxed and eagerly anticipating the pleasure to come.
Although I am more than ready to impale him on my eager cock, I will wait, and I will make him ready for me.
Instead of doing what he expects me to do, I crawl up next to him and lie down by his side facing him. Reaching out my hand slowly, I draw my fingers very lightly through his hair and down across his face. The tips of my nails outline his tight lips, barely touching the sensitive skin. With the back of my hand, I stroke upwards across his cheek, then down the other side.
He captures my hand. “Elf, what the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
“Enjoying how it feels to touch you. Do you not like it?”
He still holds my hand, so I bring up my tail and use the tip to trace circles on his chest, avoiding only his nipples, until they peak into hard points. Then I draw the flat of my tail roughly over them, and he gasps.
“I vill take that as my answer,” I whisper as I raise myself just far enough to replace my tail with my mouth, sucking hard on first one nipple and then the other, nipping gently with my sharp teeth or running my tongue across the tips.
By now, he has released my hand. His eyes are closed and his lips are parted. Better, much better.
Again I change position. As gracefully as I can, I kneel astride his belly, well out of range of his sex. Beginning at his neck and shoulders, I work my way down his arms and then his chest, massaging and caressing the tight muscles until they are forced to relax beneath my hands. As I move lower, I can feel his erection poking my backside, but I keep the crease of my buttocks protected by the base of my tail, even as I raise myself up high enough to scoot down and sit on his legs.
He curses and groans at the way I ignore what is by now the most urgent part of him, but I take no notice.
“Be still,” I tell him sternly. “Captain’s orders.”
My teasing massage continues down his body. As I reach his knees, I realize that this tactile contact is not only for Logan’s sake. After the ethereal beauty and peace of Heaven, I need to touch solid, corporeal flesh and feel it move and respond beneath my hands. I need to be grounded once again in this place and this world. In touching him, I am touching my own physical existence and making it real.
My head is flooded with the sheer joy of life and living. I cannot get enough of him. I take each of his toes into my mouth and suck on them greedily. But I must have more!
I crawl up between his legs, spreading them apart and rubbing my face against the inside of his thighs. When I’ve gone as far as I can, Logan lifts his legs just enough to clear my shoulders, allowing my head access to his crotch. I lick his sac, the taste of sweat and salt on my tongue, his scent filling my nose. So familiar, so real.
I take his balls into my mouth, pulling at them, running my tongue over the taut and wrinkled skin that encloses them. I allow my fangs to prick the base of his sac.
“Don’t,” he says, in a harsh tone that I recognize all too well as a warning to back off.
I quickly release his balls from my mouth, my tongue making its way instead down along the seamed path that leads me to his asshole.
Logan makes a noise deep in his throat, an almost animal growl.
After a few teasing flutters of my tongue, he calls out my name, begging me to enter him. Obediently, my finger seeks his entrance, probing the now-yielding sphincter.
If any part of his brain is concentrated on something other than what I am doing, I am not aware of it. He is more than ready to give his body to me.
I rise abruptly to my knees, lifting his legs up and over my shoulders as I stretch out my hand for the lube and slather it liberally over his ass before I push my cock into him. From my vantage point, I can watch it move slowly deeper. My hands grasp his hips, preventing him from taking me in any faster.
“No. Vait for me.”
Slowly, I go in. Slowly, I pull back again. Then a little faster, and faster still, until I am ramming him as hard as I can. His entire body convulses, his cum spurting out in rapid spasms onto his chest. I watch, and forbid myself to come, even as I continue fucking him.
When he is done, I am still hard inside him. I drop his legs from my shoulders, leaning forward until I am entirely on top of him.
The confused expression on his face is priceless.
“You – didn’t shoot your load yet, did ya?” he finally asks.
I shake my head and smile.
I cut him off by tapping the flat of my tail on his mouth.
“I am not through vith you yet,” I whisper. “Mach die Augen zu und küss mich.”
He obeys, closing his eyes and pressing his lips to mine. As our tongues pursue each other, I am still hard and deep within him, condom and all. I am determined to savor this to the fullest, and force Logan to do the same. Even if only for a short time, I will make the rest of the world go away, until there is only him and me.
So I kiss and move my hips cautiously, with his penis trapped between our bodies, until I feel him begin to fill and stiffen again.
Then his hand is on the back of my head, stroking my unruly hair much as if I am a large and sleek cat. He takes hold of my hair, pulling my mouth gently off of his, and looks at me directly.
“Elf, if I’m dreaming,” he says softly, “for the love of God, tell me now, before I dare to hope it’s really true.”
“You are not dreaming, mein Schatz, unless I am dreaming also.”
A gleam comes into his eyes, and a genuine smile plays briefly over his lips. “But if ya really wanna prove it to me, there is one thing ya can do.”
“Vhat is that?” I ask, all innocence.
“Fick mich, darlin’. Now!”
“Vell, if that is vhat you really vant, I suppose I could –”
He laughs and smacks my ass hard enough to hurt, as I let out a surprised yelp. Then I laugh also, and rear up, arching my back and doing as he asks.
I ride him hard, lost in the abandon of desire. When I can hold off no longer, I grab his cock and pump it frantically, forcing him to orgasm also.
Totally exhausted, I collapse on top of him, gasping for breath.
I stop moving, pressing hard and deep into him and staying there, just deliberately being still.
“Kurt?” he asks. “Somethin’ wrong?”
“Nein, mein Schatz. I just vish to savor this for a moment, before it is over.”
His hands grab my ass, pulling me even more tightly inside him. Our mouths meet, and his tongue probes into me. I suck on it hard. A tear overflows from my eyes, and drips down to join the one running down his cheek.
I was wrong. There must be sex in Paradise, for it is simply too holy to exist only in the flesh.
As the afterglow fades and we become disentangled, I slide off to one side and curl up next to him, as usual. I could almost fall asleep, but he is not so comfortable and content as I am. He pulls away from me, turning to sit on the edge of the bed.
“Vhat is it? Vhat disturbs you?”
And at last he is ready to tell me.
“Kurt, lately I don’t know who or what I really am. I have so many confusing memories, elaborate dreams and nightmares that almost seem to be other lives, flashbacks of me doing horrible things that I can’t recall ever doing. Sure, this isn’t the first time I’ve felt like this, but it’s gotten much worse since I lost my ability to heal. Dunno why that would make such a big difference. I just don’t get it.”
“I am not sure that I get it either, but I vill hazard a guess: you are used to being invulnerable, and as close to immortal as a human being can be, nicht wahr?”
“So now you must deal vith your own mortality, in a vay that you are not accustomed to doing. And that terrifies you.”
“No, that’s not quite it. It’s more like – damn! How do I explain it? I’ve been able to count on my invulnerability and that makes me able to do what no one else can do. Without that, I feel – ”
He shakes his head, unable to find the words he needs.
“Veak?” I suggest. “Impotent? Helpless?”
“Worse than that, Elf. How about totally useless?”
“Useless?” I repeat, confused.
“Yeah. Now I can’t do – well, all the stuff I used to do, like defeat the bad guys and help the good guys win in a fight. That’s what they count on me for, isn’t it? Put my body on the line, without hesitation, when that’s what has to be done.”
“And now you think you may hesitate?” Because now you are afraid of dying. But I cannot say that, because he is not yet ready to admit it to himself.
He hangs his head, and then nods. “But that’s not all. I’m royally pissed off about this. I want to be invulnerable. I want to be the one everyone can count on. Damnit to Hell, I want my confidence back!”
I do not know how to respond, so I fall back on humor. “Now you sound like a spoiled child. Can’t you just picture yourself sitting in a highchair, furious because you have dropped your favorite toy and vaving your tiny claws around in frustration?”
He does not laugh. Instead, he stares at me with death in his eyes. “I tell ya what’s botherin’ me, ya damned Kraut, an’ all ya do is make fun of me?”
Mein Gott, vhat have I done?! He has alvays been easily angered, but not like this!
Before I can even react, he has extended his claws and taken a vicious swipe at me. I narrowly avoid being skewered, porting across the room a split second before he slices the mattress where I had been lying.
I cannot believe he is this furious over a simple joke. Could it be a result of his no longer being able to heal? Has it affected his mind that much?
He gets up and comes after me, his face twisted with rage. And I realize that I am now confronting the Berserker, not my lover.
I port behind him, grab his shoulders, take us both outside into the deserted yard -- “Logan!” I hiss into his ear -- take him up onto the roof -- “Stop!” then back to the room, dropping him onto the bed from up by the ceiling -- “Now!”
I remain where I am, looking down at him warily. He has never liked being teleported and he likes it even less now.
The claws retract. He curls up on the bed, clutching his stomach and gagging a few times. Then the gags fade away into strangled sobs.
“Aw, shit!” he finally says. “That’s what I mean! That crazy part of me is taking over. I could’ve killed you.”
“But you did not,” I venture warily.
“I wanted to.”
“I’m sorry. I should not have said vhat I said.”
”Nah. You’re right. It was just that I had finally told ya something I couldn’t tell anyone else, and it seemed like you were laughing at me.”
I am not sure how to respond. “I did not mean it like that,” I offer tentatively. “I only vanted to make you look at vhat you vere saying from a different perspective. It vas wrong for me to make light of your feelings.”
He waves a hand to dismiss my apology. “No, it was my own lack of control. A silly joke doesn’t rate a lethal attack. Maybe next time, I really will hurt someone. I’m losin’ it,” he says hopelessly. “I’m a danger to everyone around me.”
A memory flashes before my eyes, and I wince. “Stacheldraht,” I murmur to myself.
Not surprisingly, he hears me.
“Barbed wire? What the fuck does that have to do with anything?”
For a moment, he is confused. Then he closes his eyes and shakes his head. “You were – there?” he asks, as if the words are being torn from his lips. “You saw that?”
“Ja, and I can see it still in my mind: your soul, vith the barbed vire that wraps so painfully around your body, your arms, your groin, even through your mouth. And yet you wrote on the vall vith your own blood the single vord ‘Revenge’.”
Logan bends over forward, hiding his face in his hands, and just rocks back and forth, while blood runs from between his knuckles and drips slowly down onto his bare thighs.
I cannot remain on the ceiling while he suffers so. I drop to the floor, kneeling in front of him and taking him in my arms.
“Mein Schatz,” I tell him gently, “I cannot loosen that vire. Only you can do that. All I can do is hold you, barbs and all, and share a little of your pain. But if that vill in any vay ease your suffering, then I vill do that gladly.”
“Shh,” I tell him, holding him tight against me.
A few minutes later, he raises his head, then cups my cheek in one hand. I can see the raw and bloody cuts between his knuckles. I take his hand to my lips and kiss his fingers.
“Verzeih mir, bitte! I did not mean to –”
“Don’t apologize. It’s my own damn fault.”
“Nein. You must not blame yourself so much. Like all human beings, you do both good and evil, but vith you, it seems to be taken to extremes, since you are capable of doing things beyond vhat others can do. You have lived a long time, and suffered in vays that most people cannot even imagine. You are not crazy. But you vill be, if you continue to beat yourself up like this. You are not useless, and you vill not hesitate to risk yourself and your life anymore than you did before. Many times I have seen you bear hideous pain and suffering vithout flinching. You vill do so again, if it is necessary. But you must believe in yourself, as I believe in you.”
“Sometimes it just ain’t that easy.” He shakes his head and tries for a smile. “Let’s face it, darlin’, I may have had a brief glimpse of Heaven, but I’ve been a long time in Hell. I’m not sure anyone deserves Hell, but if anyone does, it’s me. And if you’re not deserving of Heaven, I’m damn sure no one is.”
Now it’s my turn to shake my head. “It is not that simple, mein Freund.”
“It is to me!”
“Danke, Logan. I only vish I could feel the same vay.”
I let go of him, and sit next to him on the side of the bed.
“Guess it’s my turn to ask you what’s wrong, huh?”
Almost I tell him about the price I have paid to be alive. But he must never know. He would only feel more guilt, if I said I had done such a thing in order to be with him again.
So instead, I give him only a part of the truth.
“I guess I am having trouble adjusting to the many changes that have taken place vhile I vas gone.”
“But I thought you were watching all that. You seem to know what I did, anyway.”
“I could not vatch everything and everybody. Only that vhich vas most important to me.” I give him a smile, hoping it looks genuine. “I have a lot of catching up to do. I am just not sure vhere I should go from here.”
“With the X-Men, of course. Where else would you go?”
“Vhich X-Men, Logan? It is not so clear anymore.”
“You wouldn’t desert me and join Cyclops’ bunch, would ya?”
“No, of course not. But I am now torn betveen old friends.”
“Yeah, I know what ya mean. No matter how you slice it, it’s not a good situation. I’m not too certain of my future either.” He shrugs helplessly. “Without my healing factor, it’s as if I have to learn how to live all over again.”
“Ja! That is vhat I mean. So do I.” We are quiet for a long moment. “It must be a big change for you.”
“Henry is telling me to wear armor now. Armor! Me!”
“Is that so awful? Besides, I do not now and never have vorn any kind of armor.”
“Perhaps if you had, you wouldn’t have died the way you did.”
“Um. Point taken,” I admit. “But even vithout being able to heal yourself, you are no more vulnerable than the rest of us. In the end, ve vill all die.”
“You’ve lived with that knowledge all your life. I haven’t.”
“Yes, you have. You have never truly been immortal. There have alvays been vays in vhich you could be killed permanently. You know that.”
He sighs. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I just haven’t thought about it much.”
I punch him gently in the arm. “Ve have an expression in German, ‘Mehr als deinen Kopf reißt man dir nicht ab’. Verstehst du?”
“Uh – somethin’ like ‘They can’t tear anything more away from you than your head’?”
“Elf, that ain’t exactly too reassuring.”
“It is not. But it is true, nicht wahr?”
He shakes his head and sort of smiles. “With all due respect, mein deutscher Freund, there are lots of worse things that can be torn off than one’s Kopf. At least without your head, you’re safely dead and not suffering anymore. In this world, at least.”
“Ach, now you are picking up nits! Of course there are vorse things, but that is not the point.”
“It’s called nitpicking, darlin’. But then what is the point?”
I have to think about that for a moment. “It means do not vaste your time vorrying about vhat may or may not happen. The vorst that can happen is you vill die, and that vill inevitably happen, one vay or another.”
Logan holds up his hands in defeat, then gives me a smile. “Ya got me there, Elf. The future will be what it is. Worryin’ yerself ta death ain’t a very good way to die.”
I lay my head on his shoulder as he reaches an arm around me. “I am no longer sure of Heaven,” I tell him. “But if this life is all I have, I vill be glad to spend it vith you.”
Whether or not I have a soul, I have Logan. For now, that is enough.
mein alter Freund
my old friend
Das weiß ich nicht.
I don’t know that.
Du hast recht.
You are right.
Mein Paradis ist jetzt und hier!
My paradise is here and now.
Ja, das weiß ich.
Yes, I know that.
Ich will dich ficken.
I want to fuck you.
Jawohl, Herr Kapitän!
Mach die Augen zu und küss mich.
Close your eyes and kiss me.
Nein, mein Schatz.
No, my darling/sweetheart/treasure.
Verzeih mir, bitte!
Please forgive me!
Do I really need to translate this one?
Or this one?
Mehr als deinen Kopf reißt man dir nicht ab.
They can’t tear off anything more than your head.
Do you understand?
mein deutscher Freund
my German friend
MY LOGAN/KURT STORIES WITH SUMMARIES AND LINKS
STORY ARC – Movieverse
In the Beginning . . .
After X-2, Kurt is considering what to do next. My slant on how he gets involved in the climax of X-3, then finds himself attracted to Logan despite his own religious issues. They take a very interesting vacation on Cape Cod, in order to spend time together and try to resolve what they want from each other, if anything.
Please note that this story contains many links to real places on the Cape, but the links don’t always work reliably, so if you want to see them, you may need to copy/paste the URLs.
It’s almost 2 years after the Battle of the Golden Gate Bridge. In addition to being an X-Man, Kurt has recently begun teaching classes at the School.
Please note that this is the original short prologue for this entire story arc, which was written long before “In the Beginning” was even imagined. While the prologue is rather tame as far as sex is concerned, the succeeding stories will more than make up for this lack. Each story can be read alone, but they are better in order.
Something a Little Different
When Logan wakes Kurt up in the middle of the night, Kurt just figures he wants the usual sex. But tonight, Logan wants something a little different.
(Combined version of both of the above stories.)
As the Twig is Bent
Wie der Zweig gebogen wird, so wächst der Baum. As the twig is bent, so grows the tree.
And Herr Grüber has long-range plans for the resulting tree.
Logan pushes Kurt into revealing some of the dark secrets of his childhood.
Pray for Us Sinners
More secrets, from both Kurt’s past and Logan’s present.
With Nothing on My Tongue
Logan is off somewhere trying to decide what direction he wants his life to take, while Kurt waits anxiously for his return. After several months pass, he is almost ready to give up hope.
Two very different women help him get through this difficult time, each in her own inimitable way.
You Win, Elf
Logan returns to tell Kurt of his decision.
Hell Hath No Fury
Someone from Logan’s past appears – and that someone plans to take revenge on the one who scorned him.
TWO SHORT STORIES WHICH COULD BE EITHER COMIC OR MOVIEVERSE
Just about any time after Kurt and Logan have been together for a while.
Happy Birthday, Elf!
On a certain day in November, Kurt receives a very special present. Just a bit of fluff. No Sex.
COMICVERSE – Single stories that fit into X-Men comic issues. If you haven’t read the comic referenced after each title, the story may not make much sense to you.
Hope X-Force #26
Just before he dies, Kurt gives Hope a message to deliver to Logan.
Revenge! Wolverine #15
While Logan climbs the mountain to jump off yet again, he is visited by Kurt’s spirit.
To Walk Away from Paradise Amazing X-Men: Quest for Nightcrawler #1-5
At the end of this series, we left Kurt sitting on the roof agonizing about having lost his soul. What if Logan didn’t leave him there alone after all?
(If you haven’t read my Kurt Darkholme series, there will be numerous puzzling references to what happened in those stories.)
A Different Kind of Solace
Shortly after Logan's death, Deadpool shows up unexpectedly to offer his condolences to Kurt.
The Monster Ultimate X-Men Annual #2
After Rogue tells a supposedly unconscious Kurt that he is truly a monster, Logan tries his best to convince him otherwise..
The Best You Can Hope For Astonishing X-Men # 44-47 & 59-61, X-treme X-Men # 1-13, Age of Apocalypse # 13 & 14, and X-Termination # 1+2
James Howlett tells about his relationship with young Kurt Waggoner. As he tries to teach the boy what it means to be a hero, young Kurt has a lesson to teach him in return.
Kurt Darkholme Story Arc
Der Doppelgänger Set between Uncanny X-Force #23 and #24
Kurt Darkholme and Logan end up in bed together
Of Angry Elves and Mouthy Mercenaries Set several days after Bobby’s death in UXF #24, and prior to what happened in Deadpool #50-54. Also prior to Betsy and Fantomex’s departure from X-Force in #25.
Kurt Darkholme and Wade Wilson get to know each other better, among other activities.
Hinter Meine Masken (Behind My Masks) Takes place sometime after UXF-26 when they have a night free.
Logan, Kurt Darkholme, and Deadpool deepen their involvement with each other.
Vengeance Is Mine Uncanny X-Force #32-34
After Kurt Darkholme betrays X-Force, he faces a private reckoning of his own.
Say Very Softly After Astonishing X-Men #59
Kurt Darkholme and Deadpool have one last fling.
The Only Thing
Set after the end of the X-Termination story arc
What if Kurt Darkholme survives?