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Loving You in Silence

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Dean Winchester is a risk taker. He’s reckless, loud, social, and a big extrovert. He hardly hangs out in his dorm and only shows up to drag Castiel to one of his games or show him this new cool place he discovered. Basically he only drags Cas to hang out with him. Why? That’s simple. Because he’s in love with him. That’s the one thing Dean wouldn’t take a risk on; losing his friendship with Cas because of his unrequited feelings.

Cas is the exact opposite of Dean. He’s careful, quiet, no friends, and the biggest introvert Dean has ever met. Dean never expected to have a quiet nerd as his roommate, then again he never expected to be in love with said roommate. Not only that but Cas is deaf. Dean never minded. He never treated Cas any differently because he was a normal human being.

Dean Winchester is in over his head, and he was okay with that.

What he wasn’t okay with was being a coward about how he felt. He tried not to be overly affectionate even when the other footballer players claimed he was. Humans need contact okay? It wasn’t a big deal. Dean is also a liar because it was a very very big deal. Why did relationships have to be so hard for him?

So yeah, Dean tried to tell himself he and Cas were only friends. Just friends. If Cas chooses someone over him? That’s okay. He would rather hang out with Meg? That’s okay too. Dean confessing his feelings while Cas had his hearing aids off? That was okay too. Nobody would know the Dean Winchester was pining over his nerdy roommate. No one knew.

Except people did knew. Benny seems to never keep his mouth shut. It was up to the point where Dean would threaten to punch him if he didn’t stop. That shut him up real quick because Dean did keep his promises. There was no doubt of that.

Dean was helplessly in love with Castiel Novak, and it sucked.

Dean blew a breath of air from exhaustion as he fiddled with his keys. He unlocked the door to his dorm and pushed it open. He was met by Cas himself who has hunched over a book, studying. Dean threw a “hey, Cas” over his shoulder as he shut and locked the door. Cas didn’t look up from his textbook until Dean walked closer.

Cas gave a nod and a wave before looking back down. His hearing aids were turned off which meant it was for Dean’s daily -nightly- confession. He had been doing this for the past month and Cas never had a clue what he was talking about because Dean would make up a lame excuse.

Today was going to be that day. Dean sat down on his bed and watched Cas’ concentrated face working on his homework for math. He paid no attention to the football player staring at him. He didn’t even notice he was always so distracted. Dean hated math. He didn’t get why he needed it. It wasn’t even his major.

“You idiot,” Dean started with a fond smile on his face. When he made sure Cas wasn’t listening he continued. “Why do you have to be the way you are? Couldn’t you been an asshole or something? Just someone I could at least call a friend.” He cringed and shook his head. “I kinda hate that word now. ‘Friend.’ It sounds so basic to me. Boyfriend sounds better.” He groaned and leaned his head back against the solid wall. “You look very nice today. Yeah, I noticed. You did something with your hair today. It’s all combed and neat today. I like it.”

Dean frowned and stared at his hands. “I can’t stop thinking about you. When you declined to go to my game this Friday I was kinda upset. Jealous actually. You were going to hang out with Meg for her birthday. I get that. I just didn’t think it would hurt this bad...God, I’m so stupid aren’t I?” He glared at nothing in particular and huffed out a breath of laughter.

“Even right now you look cute. You always have that little frown on your face when you don’t understand something. Which is most of the time whenever I try to make jokes.” Dean smiled. “I love you, Cas. I really do.”

Right when Dean finished his speech Cas closed his textbook and looked up with a relief expression on his face. “I’m done,” he announced and started to pack his things away. “Did you say something?” He asked when he found Dean staring at him. He lifted his hand to his ear to turn on his hearing aids.

And as always Dean would smile sadly and shake his head. “Nope. I was just spacing out.”

“Okay. Get some sleep we have class tomorrow.” Cas kicked off the covers of his bed and laid under them with a loud sigh.

Dean took off his letterman’s jacket and kicked off his jeans. He climbed under the covers of his bed and turned his back towards Cas. “Idiot,” he murmured to himself.

“What was that?” Cas asked.

“Nothing,” Dean said louder. Cas wasn’t meant to hear that. This time, Dean was calling himself an idiot. He had a chance to confess his feelings right now but cowered away. Instead, he squeezed his eyes shut and willed himself to go to sleep. Tomorrow was another day to worry about classes and his upcoming game.

 

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History class had to be the worst class Dean could ever take. He found it extremely boring to the point he would fall asleep in class every time he had it. It always turned out a very good power nap for him. After when class was over he would charm someone and they would give him the answers willingly. No matter how many times Cas told him he shouldn’t do that. Hey, at least he was passing the class with a solid A. He had time to study for the tests and passed each one. He just didn’t like writing the notes down or doing the paperwork.

With Lisa’s answers in his phone, Dean walked out of the classroom and headed back to his dorm to get started on his homework just to get it over with. Except he made a detour to the track to talk with his fellow teammates. Just a simple five minute talk that turned into five hours and driving to new places. It wasn’t exactly his best intention, but what could he do? He could get the homework done in no time.

The consequences when he returned were not good. Cas was there when he arrived, key in lock and looking like a deer in headlights. Cas was livid to say the least.

“You said you would be here right after class to start on your homework,” Cas said with his arms crossed.

“And?” Dean shrugged. “I have the answers anyway. I could finish it in five minutes.”

“The answers-?” Cas huffed and rolled his eyes. “Are you serious? Who did you charm this time? Kevin?”

“Lisa actually.” Dean replied casually as he placed his backpack on the bed. He unzipped it and took out the worksheet.

“So what’d you promise her? A date?”

“No.” Dean was confused by Cas’ reaction but let it slide. “I don’t know why you’re making it such a big deal. I went out with friends after class. So what? I don’t have to listen to everything you say.” He glared at the boy who glared right back at him.

They stared at each other for a long tense minute. Cas was the first to stand down because this is childish, Dean and resumed with his own homework. He plopped down on the bed and turned his back towards Dean, fully intended to ignore him.

Dean sat down on the bed and glared down at the piece of paper on his lap. He wished his pencil could write itself. Then he would have a lot more free time. He took out his phone and opened the photos app for the answers. He wrote down the answers Lisa had but changed them up a bit. The professors weren’t as smart as the students could be in this university. Dean found that out in the first week of school. Their mindset were very different than the newly turned adults on this campus.

The tension was strong in the room. They were both stubborn to apologize and admit what they did wrong. For someone like Cas he was too stubborn for his own good. Dean was used to being the most stubborn one. It was so stupid to fight with Cas about something so simple such as homework. Homework that Dean could finish in less than five minutes by just copying. He didn’t need to be here.

“I’m sorry,” Dean groaned. Cas didn’t move to look at him or even acknowledge he leard Dean which meant one thing: he had his hearing aids off. Dean twirled the pencil in his hand and stared off into space as he got his thoughts together.

“What am I sorry for? Disappointing you? I didn’t really mean that to happen actually. Making you proud makes me feel better. Seeing that smile when I accomplish something makes me all gooey inside. Ugh. What am I talking about? I feel like a teenage girl with a big crush. I should be over that era.”

Dean ran a hand over his face and squeezed his eyes shut, failing to see the disbelief look on Cas’ face. “I don’t know how else to deal with this. Is this even a healthy way to cope? Me pouring my feelings out while you can’t hear anything.” His arm dropped by his side. “I love you, Cas.”

Dean moved his stuff away, more like shoved them off his bed, and sprawled out on the bed. Before he could close his eyes and fall asleep he heard Cas say, “I love you too, Dean.”

Dean was startled from hearing those few words Cas had uttered to him. He flicked his gaze over to Cas who had a small smile on his face with his cheeks tinted pink. Dean realized with horror that Cas didn’t have his hearing aids off. He was just ignoring him until he begged for forgiveness. At times like this Dean wanted to be angry with him but found himself he couldn’t because Cas just confessed his feelings.

They loved each other.

Wow. What a time to be alive.

“You look like you saw a ghost.” Cas said after a long moment of silence as they stared at each other.

“More like saw my uncle naked.”

Cas raised an eyebrow and frowned. It took him a minute to get it and both boys started to laugh. Once they calmed down from their laughter did Dean move to sit on his bed.

“I don’t know what else to say…” Dean admitted. He was at a lost for words, and he didn’t know want to do. Well, maybe except one thing.

“You don’t have to say anything. We can figure out the words as we go...together.” Cas whispered the last word quietly as if he was afraid to say it.

Dean smiled and nodded in agreement, “together. I like that.” He cleared his throat and looked down at the ground then back at Cas. “Soo…” he started and stood up from the bed. “Now that we got that out of the way.” He chuckled awkwardly. “Can I kiss you?” He asked quickly.

Cas smiled and blushed. “Yes, I would like that very much, Dean.”

The boy inhaled and nodded slowly. “Good. That’s good.” He walked closer to Cas who met him halfway. The kiss was slow and awkward. They bumped noses a couple of times and Cas’ lips felt sensitive because of Dean’s scruff. He really needed to shave before the game this Friday. Dean shoved that thought out of his mind and enjoyed the kiss instead.

Their first kiss was perfect. It wasn’t the best. They knew there will be better ones in the near future but their first kiss will always be remembered. In Dean’s dirty clothes filled with food stains and Cas’ oversized shirt and boxers.

Once they pulled away Dean leaned his forehead against Cas’ and closed his eyes with a breathlessly sigh. This was good. This was beyond perfect for him. He was happy. They were happy.