Joan often put on a brave front, especially now that she was a prisoner among the women. Of course she maintained her dangerous edge, but she couldn't help but feel some anxiety at the circumstances she was in now. It was even harder for her to get what she needed in Protection, so she had to go into General.
Except with going into General, it must have left her with some kind of stomach flu. She'd been feeling nauseous for the last few days and refused to see the nurse. Kaz and Allie noticed her illness but she tried not to show too much weakness in front of them, even if it was to her advantage. She still needed to find a way to get Bea to bash her. That would be the only way that she could get Kaz to be on her side.
Her efforts to try and get through to Kaz and her crew, the Red Right Hand, were completed ignored. It was something that aggravated her knowing that no matter what, she couldn't get her way. How many extreme methods would she have to come up with in order to get out of this damn prison? To be back on the right side of the bars.
So she grit her teeth, going through the motions and acted as if it was just a minor setback. She couldn't have Vera believing that she somehow had the upper hand in this situation. This was still her prison. It amused her that Vera emulated her so, and it was actually quite flattering to see. She learned a lot from her as her Deputy.
Sometimes she was afraid the prisoners poisoned her food, and often felt like she couldn't put her guard down. On the inside, she was a tight ball of anxiety, always thinking and planning. Trying to be one step ahead of everyone else. This was hard with whatever was making her sick. She could barely keep anything down, and this made her not only anxious but a little afraid. She was already a target for who she was, being sick couldn't be an extra vulnerability right now. But she suffered through it, and no one would ever think she felt fear. She would only put on a brave face.
However, as she stood naked in the shower staring at Gambaro and her “boys,” she didn't feel brave. She felt fear, her heart dropping in the pit of her stomach. This wasn't what she had planned at all. She went outside of herself as her body was restrained, and braced herself for what was about to happen but it didn't come. She was suddenly able to free her wrists, and looked up to see Bea pulling the women off of her, yelling at them to leave. She held the shiv in her hand, staring down at Joan who was vulnerable and naked on the floor.
She'd almost been raped by those women, and yet here Bea was as her savior. But would she kill her now? She could have let her be ganged, but she didn't. Such a strange moral compass the woman had, but she respected Bea for it.
“Are you going to kill me?”
Bea took in a few more breaths, seeming conflicted on what she should do next. Joan was surprised when Bea grabbed a towel and draped it over her.
“Are you all right?”
Joan searched her face, a little confused by this sudden switch in behavior. “Just get me back to my unit.”
Bea frowned, slowly lifting her up. “Are you sure we shouldn't go to Medical? You have some bruising.”
Joan shook her head. “I'm fine. Just walk me back. I don't want to be jumped again.”
She found herself shivering from the cold and the adrenaline as the water dried on her skin. Dressing back into her clothes, she averted her eyes from Bea.
There was a part of her that couldn't believe that Bea didn't bash her, but the other part of her that knew that Bea would still believe she was doing the right thing, despite their history. As she walked her into her cell, Kaz suddenly stood up and glared at Bea.
“What happened to her?!”
“It was nothing,” Joan replied.
“You have bruises on your face and wrists!”
“She was almost ganged by Juice and her boys,” Bea said flatly, making Joan glare at her.
Kaz gasped, shaking her head as tears spilled out over her cheeks. “How could a woman try and do that to another woman?”
Joan flinched at the display of compassion between both women. She shivered and sat down on her bed. “I'm all right. It could have been worse.” She swallowed at the thought. She wasn't sure she would have been able to get through a second rape. It was hard enough with the psychiatrist, and no one knew about that.
She had a sudden bout of nausea and bent over and threw up in a small trash can. Kaz gently held her hair, and handed her a cup of water. She wasn't used to this kindness, and she had a feeling of dread as she thought about what else could be going on with her.
“Bea... there is something you could do for me.”
Bea sighed. “What is it?”
Joan took a few deep breaths, waiting for her stomach to settle. “I need you to get me a pregnancy test.”
“I think... I think I might be pregnant.”