Days passed, and she didn't see much of Vera after that day. Why she required the presence of another at night was bizarre, and not to mention alarming. It wasn't like she didn't sleep alone before. She'd developed a dependency on Vera, and she wasn't sure she liked it. However, she would have to get used to Vera not always being available, and definitely used to the fact that Vera couldn't always be trusted.
She avoided Westfall as well, rolling her eyes as she thought about how she had to meet with her again next week.
Joan didn't want to think about how kind Bridget was during their first session, or that she'd let her guard down and become emotional. She hated herself for it because she didn't have the excuse of taking medication to lower her defenses.
Maybe her small emotional display was because she was pregnant, and she had an intense flash of anger towards the almost alien like presence growing inside her. It was completely changing her life, and as she looked in the mirror of her cell, she imagined what she'd look like with a baby bump. She had a hard time thinking of herself in that way, unsure of just what it was she was hoping to accomplish. What good would this pregnancy bring to her?
I'm too old for this.
Joan wished that her father was there. He'd know what to do. But then, that was what disturbed her the most. She never wanted to repeat the same mistakes her father made with her, but yet there wasn't any other way she knew how to be. How could she even do right by her own child?
Jianna died, Shayne was taken away, and her attempts to contact him were destroyed by Vera. Everywhere around her there was loss and death. Even her goldfish died.
How can I take care of my baby when I can't even take care of my fucking goldfish? I killed the last one in a fit of pain and rage.
She pressed her hand to her stomach, looking at herself in the mirror. “Will I destroy you too?” She whispered.
Or will you be just like him?
Try as she might, she couldn't help the irrational thought that her child could end up just like the man who did this to her. She moved her hands to her sides, clenching her fists and digging her nails into her palms as she took a few deep breaths.
The child is innocent.
She stared into her eyes, taking in how dark and cold they looked. There was no softness to her gaze, only anger and fear.
Or you could end up like me.
This was a stranger feeling. Another version of her that would be innocent of all her deeds. Perhaps her child wouldn't end up like her, and maybe she or he would hate her for what she is.
At one time Joan felt love, and loved those deeply who were closest to her. No one more special and dear to her than Jianna.
Am I capable of loving again?
She needed to wash herself of these thoughts, literally. Grabbing a robe and towel and the rest of her toiletries, she made her way down the hall to the showers. This time she would be prepared for anything that could happen. Kaz had given her a shiv recently just in case she had to defend herself. She held it now in her hand, concealed from view.
Entering the shower, there was no one there which was unusual but she enjoyed the privacy nonetheless. While she knew it would have been better to ask Kaz to accompany her, she didn't want to have to depend on anyone for her safety. Especially not when she just needed to take a shower.
Undressing, she slipped behind the curtain and turned on the water. She sighed at the warmth that spread over her body, loving the feel of the water on her skin.
Washing her body, she let the sponge slowly and gently glide across her skin, and as she closed her eyes she could almost pretend she was at home. She gently massaged her scalp, her hair soft in her hands.
She turned her head when she thought she heard a small sound, and as she heard it again she reached quickly for the shiv. It was hard to see with the steam around her, yanking the shower curtain back. She could see a figure there, dark and imposing. She grabbed the arm of the person near her, pulling them in and bringing the shiv up to their throat.
There was a small yelp, and she pressed the shiv to the delicate throat she held. She felt blood trickle down her fingertips and as her vision cleared, she stared into the frightened blue eyes of Vera.
“What are you doing here?” She hissed.
Vera breathed harder, and she could feel her trembling in fear. Joan almost forgot she still had the shiv pressed against her throat, and she slowly lowered it. Vera lifted her hand to her neck, feeling where the blade cut into her skin.
Joan frowned, pressing her fingertips to her skin to touch the small wound. “I'm sorry, I thought--”
“It was my fault. I was stupid to come in here.”
“How did you know where I was?”
Vera looked a little embarrassed, blushing as she spoke. “I, um, I was watching the CCTV.”
Joan raised her brow. “You wanted another look at me, hmm? The strip search room wasn't enough?”
Vera blushed fiercely. “What?! No! I was just checking to see if you were all right.”
Joan smiled slowly and licked her lips, stepping closer to Vera. “You really shouldn't be in here with an inmaTe, Governor,” she said, speaking low. She could feel Vera's body heat, and she felt a need then that was undeniable. She slowly undid the buttons of Vera’s jacket, dropping it to the floor.
Vera's breath quickened as Joan looked at her, noticing the swell of her breasts and hard nipples under her white blouse.
“What are you doing?”
Joan opened the first few buttons of her blouse, leaning down close to her ear. “I'm taking advantage of our position right now.”
She cupped the back of Vera's neck, undoing the bun and letting her hair down. Vera gazed up at her, and Joan could see the want in her eyes. “Does this mean you've forgiven me?”
Joan had a hint of a smirk on her lips. She gently grabbed Vera's hair, yanking it back a little forcefully. “Not in the slightest, but it doesn't mean I don't have needs,” she said, placing her hand inside Vera's blouse and squeezing her breast. Vera gasped when Joan pinched her nipple.
“Do we have to do this here?” Vera's voice shook slightly.
Joan pressed her lips to her neck, gently kissing around the small cut, tasting her skin that had a slight copper taste mixed with sweat. Her lips dragged across her skin as she pulled Vera flush against her. Sucking her neck, she unzipped her pants.
“You didn't give me much choice with Westnull, so I think this is appropriate. You're the one that came here, so take what I'm giving you,” she growled, tilting back Vera's head and kissing her hard.
Joan moved her against the wall of the shower, bending down to yank off her pants. Vera looked a little shocked as Joan took her hand and pressed it between her legs.
“Touch me now,” she ordered. Vera did as she was told, gently exploring her and sliding her fingers along her wet lips.
Vera watched her, gently touching her clit and Joan let out a pleasurable sigh. Vera lifted up a little to kiss her and Joan pulled back. “Not yet. I'm in control,” she whispered harshly.
Vera nodded, and Joan lifted her breast. “You can suck,” she said quietly. Vera opened her mouth to take in Joan's nipple, and Joan closed her eyes in pleasure. She opened them again and felt another flood of wetness as she watched Vera sucking her nipple. She guided Vera's hand inside her, showing her exactly how she wanted to be fucked. Stroking her hair, she gently let Vera tend to her other breast.
Vera moaned around her nipple, and Joan began to grind a little on her fingers, pumping them inside her. She let go of Vera's hand, looking into her eyes.
“Keep doing that,” she moaned, bracing her hand against the wall. Vera nodded, bringing up her thumb to play with her clit. She lifted her thigh slightly onto a ledge near the shower, opening herself up to Vera. She kissed her again, and moaned as Vera wrapped her arms around her. Kissing her passionately, she felt her legs tremble when Vera began to circle her clit faster, her fingers buried deep inside her.
Vera curled her fingers and pressed on her clit, and Joan moaned into her mouth as she shook and came. Vera moaned with her, gently sliding her fingers out and cupping her between her legs. She tenderly touched Joan, looking into her eyes and stroking her hair.
Joan stared at her, breathing softly as she allowed Vera a moment of tenderness. Joan kissed her slowly, catching her breath.
Joan thought she looked so beautiful with her flushed body; her mouth swollen from their kisses. She kissed her deeply, bringing Vera's thigh around her hip. She began to grind against her, pressing harder as her clit rubbed against hers. She kissed Vera's neck, biting a little hard and making the woman gasp.
Joan touched her lips, tracing them with her fingers. She slid her fingers into her mouth. “Suck,” she commanded.
Vera moaned around her fingers, and Joan slowly and deeply thrust them in and out. She smiled and slowly slid them inside, and brought her hand down to Vera's pulsing heat.
She teased her, brushing along her clit and pulling down her blouse so she could kiss her neck and shoulders. Vera's hands pressed into her back, and she held her thigh tighter against her hip.
Vera whimpered when she slid first two, then three fingers inside her. Joan skimmed her lips with her own, taking in her small pants and moans. She moaned at the feeling of Vera enveloping her fingers.
“Easy, Joan,” she said when she began to thrust a little faster.
Joan sucked on her collarbone, biting gently and slowing down. She let her fingers stay inside her, deeply and slowly thrusting. She edged it out, slow and steady now as she watched Vera. When she flicked her thumb across her clit, she shuddered in her arms.
“Oh, now a little faster,” she panted. Joan turned her around, angling her fingers as she pressed Vera's back to her front. Vera moaned, grinding back into Joan.
Joan held her close, kissing her neck. She could smell the mix of sweat and arousal, and the soft sweet smell of Vera's hair. She moaned softly into her neck, turning her head to kiss her again. She began to grind her palm against her clit, and pressed herself into Vera's ass. She moaned as she felt a shiver down her spine.
She thrust deeply, harder as she pressed on Vera's clit with her palm. Vera moaned and Joan cupped her hand around her mouth when she heard a sound.
“Shh,” she whispered against her ear. She continued to pump her fingers inside, curling them and pressing harder on her clit with her palm. Vera shook against her, squeezing her fingers tightly. Joan released her hand to kiss her hard. She swallowed her moans as she came around her fingers, and Joan trembled with her own orgasm as she kept grinding her hips against Vera's ass. Joan panted, biting her lip hard as she came, her moan soft and quiet.
Vera slumped against her, and Joan moaned quietly against her neck. She held her close and sighed softly. She listened to Vera's heavy breathing, her body shaking in her arms. Closing her eyes, she nuzzled her neck. She turned Vera to face her, gentle as she held her close. Stroking her hair behind her ear, she wasn't sure what came over her then, but she wanted nothing more than to be with Vera.
“Come back to my bed,” she said, kissing her softly.
Vera let out a soft sound, cupping her cheek. “All you had to do was ask, but I'll take this too,” she said, smiling.
Joan smirked, lifting her hand to brush across her cheek and down to her neck, gently touching where she accidentally hurt her. “Be careful what you wish for,” she said as she bit her lip, kissing her.