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Handsome Jack gets Fucked

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It was your average day on the Hyperion base and Jack was off in his office jacking off when he received a huge alert banner on the terminal in front of him. Annoyed that it was blocking his view of his favorite fine truxican models, he clicked it away. The large ad for Engorge however brought his attention to the thousands of new invoices that needed attending too. He gave a groan that was not at all related to his dick being hard at the moment.

Jack decided to get back to the whole jerking thing in a moment and promised to just give one message a listen before going back to “Jack Time”. He selected play and listened as the first message began with a voice filter that gave the speaker a comically deep tone.

–Jack. CEO of the Hyperion corporation.-

“First off, it’s ‘Handsome’ Jack, but go on.” He interrupted, not caring that the message was-

1. obviously pre-recorded.

2. A voicemail Echo.

–I will not spend precious time dawdling around in this recording. My name is Faran Defae and I have recently come into contact with sensitive information regarding your person… Or should I say, personal purchases?—

Jack perked a well-trimmed eyebrow. Was this a threat? This early in the morning? You know, people may say that all you need to have to be a CEO is a sever case of gangrene in your heart to deal with the poor and a sharp nose to sniff out opportunity but they don’t mention the lack of tinnitus that is needed to hear blackmails coming from twenty miles away too.

– We know about the multiple transactions you’ve made with Pandoran vendors for Engorge. The amount you’ve spent on these so called penis-enlargement solutions is, oh holy shit, it’s… Really embarrassing. Why would you spend that much for a four month supply? Or do you intent to use it at once? Is that medically safe?–

“WHAT? HOW DID THAT LEAK?” Jack yelled as he leaned in closer to the screen. Oh God, this was bad. It didn’t even matter that the money was company money. It was the PRODUCT. He couldn’t let it get out that he used that sh/it! It wouldn’t disadvantage him or anything it was just kinda… Embarrassing! And if Handsome Jack hated anything more than bandits or stale pretzels, it would be embarrassment.

—*Ahem* Now this isn’t a bribe. This is a mission. An offer, if you will–

“Huh?” The dumb bastard said.

—Find me in six days and I will not spread this information but your failure to do so will result in our little secret being all over the EchoNet. See you soon——

Jack blasted the computer to smithereens with a prototype Hyperion-issue shotgun and flipped over his desk. He was gonna find this asshole and murder the absolute shit out of them. His little dick would remain a secret until he would die and then the scientists would have to undress him to clone his corpse and they’d be all like “Oh shit he had a weak dick I guess that explains all those opportunity skyscrapers he wanted built in his name that looked strangely phallic but no one talked about.” And he would kill them too when he was cloned obviously.

Any idiot could have figured that plan out.

Chapter Text

Jack power-walked out of his office, passing by the desk-jockeys and boarding the elevator to a floor where he could get ahold of his best scientist, Naki-whats-his-name. Perhaps he could get to the bottom of this whole affair if he figured out who in his inner-circle might’ve hacked his DM’s in order to expose his tiny dick energy.

Nakayooma would surely be a good enforcer for vetting out some of the likely candidates. If Jack remembered right, it was this guy who was currently in charge of some discrete projects like project toned-body-double. That project was an effort to create an exact clone of himself just in case of the super unlikely scenario where Jack would be assassinated or a similar national disaster.

The criminally-attractive CEO took the elevator down and pushed some kid with a stack of papers out of his way, sending documents cascading all around as the four-eyed accountant collapsed.

“Yeah, you’re gonna wanna pick those up.” Jack ordered, not bothering to turn around.

He entered Nikiplumas lab, becoming exposed to a small squeal of joy as he did so. Nukacola emerged from behind a computer in the corner and approached his boss with careful but excitable shuffling steps.

“Jack! Great to see you! I’ve made so much progress on the AI!” The thin man screeched.

Jack didn’t really like interacting with this guy because of his extremely obvious and frightening obsession with him. But hey, could he really blame Nagasaki for falling balding head over heels for a complete dreamboat? No, it was just a symptom of living life as a complete winner.

“Listen, Negasonic, I need you to do one thing for me while i’m on leave for a bit. Keep a close eye on your R&D leaders, kay? Report back anything suspicious, anything at all. Think you can handle that for a couple days?”

Nipplesack blinked.

“Uh, Yeah! Jack I-”

“Oh that was more of a rhetorical question. You have to handle it because if I end up having to sic Wilhelm on someone that I find out even twitched an eyebrow weird at the mention of me, I’ll have make room for two in the airlock. Alright?”

Jack said, slapping a firm hand on neckwad’s shoulder. NerpleJinx swallowed hard and opened his mouth to respond only to be interrupted once more.

“Cool, glad to know I can count on you. And ah, I can’t really talk, gotta go. Life as a powerful CEO is a little demanding.” Jack finished as he released Nutsplash and turned on his heel to get the hell out of dodge before Nakayama found the will to speak once more.