1. Smile for the Camera, Baby
"Stop fidgeting and just smile for the camera, Mrs. Rogers."
"I thought you were Mrs. Rogers.”
"We’re both married fellas now and there ain’t nothin’ wrong with being a Missus, least so it says right here in our ‘Welcome to the 21st Century’ Packets. Feminism and everything."
"Well, I don’t mind being Mrs. Barnes if you’re Mrs. Rogers, is what I’m saying."
"Now that’s sweet, doll - who taught you to talk so nice?"
"Learned everything from watching my best guy at work."
Of course, this justifies the kiss-stealing. Bucky lingers just long enough to ensure that Steve’s lips are kissed-pink and then he snaps the picture.
"And there’s my baby. I’m turning this into my cellphone wallpaper."
"You used the American flag for my background, Bucky. Really?"
"Well if I can’t have you spread out on our bed just wearing the tights…"
Somewhere in SHIELD, Nick Fury is bringing out General Chester Phillips’ old, infamous List and reviewing the damn thing all over again. He’s also making a few more additions.
2. There’s a few pertinent facts about this picture:
a. It is usually accepted that the more delicious aspect of this picture would have to be the man about to enjoy that burger and Mrs. James Buchanan Barnes is not biased in this assessment, nope nope nope.
b. Mrs. Steven Grant Rogers did not end up laughing his ass off when he realized his newly wedded husband opted to use this as his cellphone wallpaper.
"You’re a sap, Mrs. Barnes."
"Says the fella who has me with the American flag as background for his cellphone wallpaper."
c. The reason why Bucky seems to have both his arms in this picture is due to Anthony Edward Stark. They’d read his file and they were both warned by Agent Coulson to not mention his father. Seriously, Bucky wished Howard was still around, the man deserved a punch in the kisser for treating his kid like that, honestly, what the actual fuck, Howard - and Steve was in complete agreement.
Tony was still completely obnoxious though. A genius, but still a little shit. Then again, he was in good company.
"Oh, yuck, Nazi-cult tech. I can do way better and hey, you want that arm of yours to still have the metal vibe or just look like the other one? I can still put lasers in it, either way!”
"The answers would be yes, please, thank you. No metal look - less HYDRA reminders the better. No lasers."
"You’re no fun at all." And then, there’s a cheeky grin that Bucky’s all too familiar with, considering that he’s married to Steve. "Didya know that Cap’s ex-girlfriend was my Mom?"
Technically, Peggy Carter was Steve’s almost-girlfriend, because Steve had figured out who Bucky’s “girl” really was and no, Steve was not the type to lead a woman on and Peggy would’ve handed him his ass if he actually even entertained the very thought. Still, nobody could control the history books and society’s prejudices at that point in time so Bucky was on the record as Steve’s best friend and Peggy was the legendary “love interest.”
The two of them would get around to correcting that eventually. Peggy would gleefully back them up on this - they still owed her a dance, after all.
Also, the two of them also figured out that nobody could control Tony Stark when he was trying to pull somebody’s leg. “Trolling” was apparently how the kids referred to it these days.
But there was an answer to that.
"So I guess now’s the time to tell you that Steve and I originally thought we fathered you on Peggy? I mean, obviously, the timing is all wrong but still — "
"He’s got the Barnes charm and you and Peggy are both brunettes too," Steve considered. Anybody who thought that Steve Rogers couldn’t lie for shit were never exposed to Steve using his powers of Innocence for Nefarious Purposes.
"And he’s a teeny little punk like you used to be," Bucky counters.
Tony blinked. “No. Wait. What. You two and Aunt Pegs…. No. NO NO NO NO NO. BRAIN BLEACH!!!! BRAAAAAIIIIIINNNN BLEACH!!!!!”
d. Agent Coulson was already a Captain America and Bucky Barnes fan, but their ability to actually break Tony Stark elevated them both to godhood in the SHIELD Agent’s eyes.
e. After this picture was taken, Captain and Sergeant Rogers-Barnes would pay a visit to a very old, distinguished lady, who had been patiently waiting for seventy years for her dance date.
The music would be My Guy’s Come Back and I’ll Be Seeing You.
They were both gentlemen and they were aware that they were terribly late for that date. So they brought her flowers.
3. The Banana Thing
"No, Tony, I don’t care what it looks like, I don’t care about it being the right color. That is not a banana. It may look like a banana, it may be shaped like a banana but that ain’t no banana.”
"Hey, Sarge, your hubby just this picky about fruit or is this a geriatric thing?"
"Those ain’t no fucking bananas I’ve ever tasted, Junior. Stark Junior, I mean.”
"STOP. CALLING. ME. THAT."
4. Finding Out About the Dodgers
"Wow. Fuck me - I didn’t know Captain America had that kinda potty mouth on him."
"It’s the fucking Dodgers. He’s got a right to be pissed. Hell, I’m sore about it.”
"… who knew Captain America could swear in three languages?”
"Actually, he can swear in seven and probably a coupla more. I taught him the others."
5. Gadgets & the Internet
So Tony, because he enjoys sending up a massive FUCK YOU to Apple, Microsoft and HammerTech, took on the challenge of creating software and hardware that would be the epitome of user-friendly to two Super Soldier Geriatric Icicles.
It takes Bucky five minutes to break his StarkPad. Metal hand. Whoops.
It takes Steve about twenty minutes to figure out Photoshop. It’s not long before he figures out how to scan his artwork and work digital art magic. He’s having way too much fun with it.
"Hey, Bucky, this Tumblr thing looks like a good place for artists….?"
6. You Tube
"Cats playing the piano, Bucky?"
"Well it was either that or porn….. jeeezas, is that even possible?"
"We could try it later…."
"I love your mind, baby, you know that, right?"
"You two are destroying every preconception I had about Captain America and his teenage sidekick Bucky. Destroying my childhood. Horrible, therapy things. You know that, right?”
"First of all, I am not Steve’s teenage sidekick, I’m older than him by a year. Secondly, we actually had wild, raunchy sex in the 1940’s - and let me tell you, Steve in the sack is — “
7. You Tube Part 2
Phil Coulson nearly had a heart attack when he heard that Steve and Bucky uploaded an actual video to You Tube.
Given that he had not expected the propensity for mischief that these two had - and heaven help him, he had his Grandfather Chester’s List to refer to - he was half expecting it to be something sexually related, in which Fox News and the Daily Bugle would have a coronary.
Well, nobody in their right mind would miss certain people there but hey, it was the principle of the thing.
It turns out that Bucky played the piano.
Bucky was also incapable of refusing Steve anything, especially when he turned on the full power of what Stark called “The Steve Rogers Kittens and Puppies Look AUGH RUN FOR YOUR LIVES.”
So this was really Bucky playing a song that they had both just discovered and liked, having caught up on modern music. Steve sang along.
The public, still reeling from the fact that Captain America and Sgt. Barnes were discovered alive, immediately pounced on this video of the newlyweds singing together.
YouTube promptly broke.