Welcome to the neighborhood! We are so delighted to meet new people, aren’t we, Renly darling? I saw the moving van outside your house and just had to come over with some of my famous apple pie.
Oh, us? We live right across the street, in that blue house over there with the award-winning roses. I’ve something of a green thumb, you see. Runs in my family. You really must come over sometime so I can show you the garden. Maybe I’ll organize a little welcome shindig so you can meet everybody. Do you know any of your neighbors yet? The Lannisters, you say? Ah. Yes. Yes, they certainly are.
The Gothic mansion up the hill? Oh, that belongs to the Starks. Impressively gloomy, isn’t it? It’s got such character. They say there are crypts below the house, but surely that’s just a macabre rumor. Can you imagine?
Have you met their acquaintance yet? They’re lovely people, perfectly lovely. A bit…eccentric, yes. Mysterious. One might almost say spooky, but I suppose every family has got its skeletons in the closet. Or in the crypts, haha!
Sansa Stark is a dear old friend of mine. You might have seen her around town? Tall, pale, elegant, kind of a darkly regal bearing…ah, you have! Yes, I suppose she does look a bit like that Elvira lady you see on the telly! She does like to wear a lot of black dresses, but who doesn’t? Such a slimming color, don’t you think? Oh stop, you flatterer! You’re making me blush!
Well, if you’ve seen Sansa, you’ve probably seen Jon as well. Whither she goest, he will go, as the old saying goes. He’s quite the protective type, you know. Mysterious, good-looking fella, and the way he can’t keep his hands off her in public…my word, I could just swoon. Why are you chuckling, Renly my love? You know my heart belongs to you!
Now Arya Stark, she’s an interesting cookie. A bit intense, perhaps, but aren’t they all at that age? I seem to remember she was quite the naughty little rascal when she was younger, but she’s changed quite a bit since coming back from that fancy boarding school in Braavos. Athletic scholarship, it was. She’s the number one fencer in the county, actually. We’re all so proud of her.
There’s also the youngest, Bran, but he’s an odd little bird, that one. Hush Renly, he’s not a “creepy little bugger.” He’s…well, he’s not very sociable, I’m afraid. But he’s a perfectly nice young man once you get to know him, I’m sure. Ahem.
Anyway, we’re so glad to meet you, Mr. Bronn. This house has been so woefully empty since that unfortunate incident with the Freys…oh, but how awful of me. Of course we mustn’t talk about…I beg your pardon? Surely your realtor told you about why this estate has been on the market for so long? What’s that? No realtor? Tyrion Lannister gave you…? Oh. Oh dear. Well, I-I think you really ought to give him a call about this, then. I’m sure he can give you all the details. Why don’t we get out of your hair so you can go ahead and do that… Come along, Renly…
Oh, the pie? Er…perhaps a pie isn’t the best thing to greet a new neighbor with after all. Too many memor…too many calories. Yes, calories. Why don’t I come back tomorrow with a nice salad instead?
Bonus: Uncle Varys comes to visit! Shenanigans ensue.