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you are the seed of my heart

Chapter Text

~ Location: Whale Island ~

Mito placed her hand on the gay pride flag and lifted her hand.

“I, Mito Freeces, vow to serve the people of Whale Island for as long as I am capable of doing so.”

As the tall, orange haired woman stepped back the crowd erupted in cheers. An elderly old man stepped forward, his eyes glistening with unshed tears.

“I have lived on Whale Island for all my life. I never thought I would live to see the day where we would finally be able to elect the first female mayor of this island. Today, we are living in history.”

The crowd grew louder, throwing flowers and other gifts to Mito who was standing on the stage.

“Because of the occasion, I would like to purpose another, history making decision.” The old man continued. “I have spoken with some higher up government officials and they have agreed to the change. From now on, to honor our first lady mayor, Whale Island will be formally known as Milf Island.”

The crowd’s cheering grew deafening, several people (mostly women and twinks) fainted out of joy.

Mito blushed, looking over at the crowd. She turned to Oito, standing next to her with tears of joy running down her flushed face. Oito smiled back at her and took Mito’s hand, tenderly stroking a thumb down the side.

“Gay rights…” Oito whispered gently.

“Gay rights….” Mito murmured back.

Then they made out for like three minutes.


Gon watched as his aunt paced around the porch frantically.

“Mito, is there something wrong?”

Mito looked back at the young man she raised and sighed. She turned her back on him and looked up to the night sky

“No, Gon, I’m alright. It’s just that time has passed so quickly. I remember when it was just you, me, and Abe. Now that you’ve grown up, I guess I just feel like I’m losing you like I lost Ging all those years ago, and I don’t know what to do.”

Gon slowly stood up from his chair and walked over to Mito. He looked up towards the stars like she was doing. They stood together in silence for what felt like eternity.

“Do you remember when I was younger, you would always take me stargazing? You taught me everything I know and you showed me how to become a good person. Ging only taught me that I never want to be like him. I know that Killua and I live in Yorknew now, and although it seems far away I’ll always be with you.”

“Damn, girl, those toddies plump as hell.” said Oito, unaware of Gon’s presence.

“Oito, goddamn it.” Gon muttered.

Mito smiled softly at the pair. She looked back at Gon, at the child she had always thought of as a son. She wondered if he ever thought of her as a mother, not just an aunt.

Gon turned to Mito again, smiling.

“Mito, I’ve always thought of you as a mother...I...I… Please stop crying on my shoulder I really hate it when that happens.”

Mito pulled back, wiping her eyes.

“Damn, girl, your eyes are wetter than my pussy.” Oito said.

Gon ignored her. Mito winked at her very conspicuously and Gon wondered why he was even there in the first place.

“Anyways, now that that happened. I think I should leave before things start getting uh…. You know… well.” Gon threw his bag over his shoulder. “And Mito, if I ever pull a Ging on anyone, you can punch me in the fucking throat.” And with that, he left Mito and Oito to do their. Business. Gon needed to get back to his husband and his son, anyways.


Gon: It’s Gon
Gon: and Gon’s
Gon: Gon? Why isn’t killua here?
Gon: well you see, its because he didn’t appear in this chapter.
Gon: Today we introduce Mito! She’s my aunt/mom its complicated y’all. She just got elected mayor of Milf Island and she is probably doing some shit with Oito that I really don’t want to know about ANWAYSSSSSS.
Killua: *is dead*
A/N: lol XD its kinda gay but 0.0 if you have a problem get out of here homophobes >X)

Chapter Text

Cheryl Zoldyck-Freeces (also known by some as his notorious nickname Cheryl Feces) fell out of his seat. Again. Cheryl was a bubbly, recently-turned-teen boy and he was not a morning person. It was his first period class, Math—or as he liked to call it—nap time. His teacher didn’t pay him any attention as she had learned that it was not even worth trying to wake him up.

Cheryl wasn’t particularly athletic, but not that skinny either. He had wild, shoulder-length green hair like Hozier and a pair of light blue eyes.

Brytani Speers, Cheryl's best friend, grimaced down at him but said nothing as she was used to it already. Tampay snickered, the only trait she shared with her father Tonpa, and offered a hand to Cheryl.

Brytani had thick, black hair that was currently pulled into an updo and gray eyes. She was the tallest out of their friend group, and Cheryl was the shortest. He was only 4’11.

Tampay had one of those really bad 80’s dance instructor hairstyles in a side ponytail that she had recently dyed platinum blonde. It was like looking into the sun. It was painful. Her eyes were a deep green, not a disgusting and homophobic color like her father’s. Tampay also had her sharingan contacts in, which the teacher had given up on trying to confiscate because Tampay always just bought new ones.

As Cheryl lifted himself back into his seat, his teacher set down the dry erase marker (not chalk because why would you use chalk.)

“Do any of you know what will come 5 weeks from today?”

Yo mama, Cheryl thought to himself.

Brytani eagerly raised her hand. “The 307th Annual Hunger Games of course!”

Their teacher sighed and slapped her hand to her forehead. “No its… it's the Hunter Exams. What the heck.”

“Tch, know-it-all...” Tampay muttered.

The teacher didn’t nod because these kids were dumb as hell, like, God. “Yes, The hunter exams. Now, I know a handful of you have parents who are hunters. I have the legal obligation to tell you that as 13 year olds, PLEASE DON’T TAKE THIS EXAM LIKE OH MY GOD SOMEONE’S HEART GOT RIPPED OUT A FEW YEARS AGO.”

Cheryl :|ed because he knew exactly who ripped out who’s heart. Teachers shouldn’t be vagueing his dad in class -_-

The teacher stopped breathing hard and rubbed her temple. Clearly, she had some weird emotional attachment to the Hunter Exam, but Cheryl couldn’t give two shits he was gonna pass this bitch.


“I know what you’re gonna say and the answer is no.” Brytani said as soon as class was over.

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!” Cheryl exclaimed.

“You were going to say, and this is EXACTLY what you were going to say: ‘Hey Brytani! Let's go over to your mom’s place! I wanna take this bitch of an exam!’”

“Wow, uh, yeah.” Cheryl shut up immediately.

Tampay sighed and closed her locker. “Y’all I’m in a bind uhhhh. My dad wants me to take this stupid exam so I can, and I quote: ‘Trip some bitches.’ Honestly, I was gonna sit this one out, but apparently, it’s a family tradition. My mom, [redacted], also did this apparently. So b-”

“I CHANGED MY MIND. YEAH LET’S DO THIS.” Brytani exclaimed suddenly. She pushed past Cheryl to excitedly chat with Tampay about the hunter exam. Cheryl frowned. Every time Tampay needed something Brytani would agree to it immediately. The gay really jumped out.

Brytani invited them back to her home. As the trio walked through the door, Canary appeared in the entranceway.

“Bry, I have wonderful news!” Canary announced. “Your new single has hit 80 likes!”

“Oh my God. Hooooly crap. This is so fucking epic.” Brytani sprinted upstairs to check her Soundcloud page, leaving Tampay and Cheryl alone with her mother.

“Whatever you say, Dear. Oh, hi Cheryl! How is your dad doing?” Canary inquired.

“Which one?” Cheryl asked.

“I’m obviously talking about Killua, cause, y’know, I used to work for him.”

“Oh. Right… Yeah, he’s doing good. He recently got into Rainbow Looms, so there’s that.”

“That’s sooooo incredibly interesting,” Canary responded, feigning interest. “There’s snacks in the kitchen. I’m going to go to the store now. Do whatever the hell you want I couldn’t care less.” She walked out the door without another word.

Tampay and Cheryl exchanged glances. “You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?” Tampay asked with a grossly wide grin.

Wow, she looks like Tonpa right now, and it’s scary, Thought Cheryl. He, like most inhabitants of Earth (except apparently Tampay’s mother) hated Tonpa with a passion. Tampay, however, had proven time and time again she was a very different person than her father.

“I don’t know, I can’t read minds.” Cheryl answered completely deadpan.

“Cheryl, I’m going to fucking throttle you. Give me your neck.”

“What??? No! Not my necky wecky!” Cheryl frowned :(.

Tampon reached out her big, meaty hands. “Give it to me.”

“You’re like my aunt, Alluka, but worse.”

Tampon pulled Cheryl into a headlock. “Escape this.”

Cheryl squirmed around like a beached whale. “i cant its too haaaaard :(.”

“Are you serious? I’m barely trying. If you can’t escape this you aren’t equipped to even attend a martial arts class, much less the Hunter Exams.”


“Great, now I forgot what I was saying.” Tampay sighed, still restraining Cheryl.

Brytani bounded down the stairs. “You GUYS. ‘Buying A Can of Worms Off Ebay’’ BLEW. UP.”

Tampay released her grip. She smiled at Brytani. “Well of course it did, you’re a wonderful artist and—“

“What the ever living FUCK is buying a can of worms off Epay,” Cheryl asked.

“Cheryl, I’m going to fucking throttle you. Give me your neck.”

Hey girl
i bought a can of worms off ebay
theyre a whole dollar, its a lot to pay
but i bought them for you
so we can go fishing in May
so we have something to do
together, forever
if youre wondering, yes this is a love letter
youre JD im veronica and cheryl is heather
i hope when we fish we’ll have good weather
if one can isnt enough, ill buy a whole crate
just as long as we have something to use as bait

Tampay felt a wave of jealousy overcome her. Who did Brytani write the song about? She wondered.

It’s not me is it :( whose it about :(((



Tampay: its tampay!
Brytani: and brytani!
Cheryl: and cheryl's!!!!
Cheryl: Today we'll be introducing Canary! She used to work for my dad, Killua, but now she’s a certified bicon and lives with her wife, Amane, Brytani's other mom!

Chapter Text

Every year, when Killua and Gon’s anniversary rolled around, they would spend the day ant proofing their house. It wasn’t a tradition so much as it was a compulsion brought on by their deep-rooted traumas and regrets. This year was no different, except for one thing: Cheryl decided to join in on the fun!

Gon sprayed the Raid™ into the dark corners of the house, where ants might find their way in. Cheryl threw out any leftovers that had gon (get it) bad. Meanwhile, Killua was still not going to therapy.

“It’s unusual to see you so eager to help your dad and I ant proof the house.” Gon said, smiling.

“Yeah, well I thought it would be a good idea to help this year because I’m a teenager now.” Cheryl said, dumping the last of the stale Chocolate Robots™ into the trash can.

Gon gently shook the can of Raid™. Cheryl thought this was a good time to tell his dad his plan.

“Dad, I need to tell you something….I-”

“Cheryl, I already know you’re gay, it’s in the Freeces genes.” Gon cut Cheryl off.

“What??? No, I know that you know I’m gay. You know I’m not THAT stupid, right?” Cheryl exclaimed. “I want to be a hunter, like you and dad. Anyways, the next Hunter Exam is coming up and-”

Gon’s head snapped around, the Raid™ can slipping out of his hand.

“I can’t believe it…. My boy…. I’m so proud of you. I’ll always support you no matter what.” Gon sobbed loudly. He pulled Cheryl into a hug. Cheryl smiled and hugged Gon back.

“Heck yeah!!! Rip out someone’s heart for me!” Killua exclaimed as he burst out from the closet.

Gon laughed as he watched his husband pick up Cheryl and spin him around like one of those really cheap laundry machines.


Gon tucked Cheryl into bed after they had packed his bags. He turned off the light and left the room. As he made his way down the stairs, he smiled as he remembered the first time he took the hunter exam.

20 years ago

“OH MY GOD MY HEAAAART GIVE IT BAAAAACK!!!!!! BLEEGHHHH” The mass murderer cried out, reaching for the heart still pumping in Killua’s hand. He died (f)

Woah….. Gon thought. That’s kind of…. cute.

Now the day had come for Cheryl to rip out his first heart, and he couldn’t be more proud.


Gon: It’s Gon’s-
Killua: and Killua’s-
Gon: Today, we introduce Raid™, Kills Fast. On Contact* It’s Good To Be Tough.

*Crawling bugs

A/N please don’t sue us Raid™.

Chapter Text

“Wow!” Brytani and Tampay said in unison, staring at the large train in front of them.

“That’s the biggest train ever!” Tampay said with a smile in her voice.

“Well, looks like this is where we say goodbye.” Canary said.

“Do your best, and remember that even if you don’t make it this year, we’ll always be proud of you!” Amane reassured Brytani and Tampay.

Tampay sighed. “I wish my dad supported me as much as you two supported me…”

“Your dad is a little bitch, I’m your dad now.” Gon said, as he walked up to them while Cheryl argued with Killua about the best ways to kill ants behind him.

The parents said goodbye to their children as they got on the train. Suddenly Killua’s eyes widened.

“Hey, Gon? Did we ever tell Cheryl about the poison thing?”

“Oh? FUCK.”

“Should we call-”

“Yeah we should probably call them…”


Cheryl, Brytani, and Tampay were all squished in the back of the train. As the train lumbered on, a formally-dressed man followed by dozens of twinks and femmes came into the the train car. He cleared his throat, and spoke.

“Welcome to the 307th Annual Hunter Exam. The train will the Exam in approximately two hours. Now we’ll be administering the first test. We will give you two drinks, it’s up to you to decide which is poisoned.”

Cheryl’s eyes lit up. As the twinks and femmes came around with the drinks, he eagerly grabbed them and poured both down his throat.

“Cheryl, what the fuck????” Brytani asked, concerned. “Do you want to pass this shit or nah?”

“It’s ok!” Cheryl snickered as he wiped his mouth. “I’m immune to poison. I get it from my dad.”

A few minutes passed. Brytani and Tampay and both chosen a cup to drink from. Most of the passengers in the car had passed out already, but the trio were still awake.

The train slowly pulled to a stop.

“Will all the remaining applicants follow me?” The formally-dressed man finally said.
The surviving passengers of the train stepped of the train, and gasped at what they saw.

Before their eyes stretched a dark, misty forest. The mist was so thick that it looked like someone wouldn’t even be able to see two inches in front of them.

“For this test, you will have to cross this forest in 12 hours. There are a lot of traps and criminals in the forest, and many people have died trying to get through it. If you do not wish to continue, please reboar-”

“Yeah alright let’s go y’all!” Cheryl and his friends skipped into the forest.

“I hate children.” The formally-dressed man said.


Cheryl: its cheryl’s-
Brytani: and Brytani’s-
Tampay: and Tampay’s-
Cheryl: today we will be introducing the formally-dressed man! He’s gay! And he’s married
Man: did you just choose me because i’m the only one available--
Tampay: shut the fuck up, gay
Brytani: twinks and femmes lets get this bread!
All: hee hee!!!!

Chapter Text

The trio skipped deep into the forest, far away from the other smelly applicants who were all adults. They had decided to stay together as best as they could, trying not to stray too far from each other. Since they were all city kids, and knew basically nothing about the forest, they got lost pretty quickly.

“I feel as though we’ve already passed this stump.” Brytani muttered in defeat.

“I know where we’re going, I can feel it in my Freeces Genes.”

Brytani turned around to see Tampay chewing on something.

“Tampay, what the fuck are you eating?”


“Mushrooms.” Tampay answered, shoving as many mushrooms as she could fit into her mouth.


“Ohhh shittt.” Tampay muttered as she saw her worst nightmares come true. “This shit craaay.”


Cheryl and Brytani dumped Tampay against a tree stump.

“I knew we should have narced an her ages ago, then maybe she’ll stop eating every single mushroom ever.” Brytani sobbed in exhaustion.

“The germs on my skin are my friends,” Tampay slurred. “But the bugs are not. I need to remove the bugs from my skin. They’re reporting me to the secret service. I can’t go back to hippie jail. I can’t spend another semester there. Hamilton will eat me alive.”

“Well, my dad has some Raid™, but you’ll have to wait until we get out of here.” Cheryl told her, handing his water bottle to Tampay. Tampay didn’t drink it--instead she poured it onto the ground and tried to make a sandcastle out of leaves.

“Gee, I sure hope we don’t meet any criminals here lol.” Cheryl said.

Suddenly the bushes rustled. A huge man stepped out of the bushes. He towered over the three children, grinning and cracking his knuckles (cracka lacka am i right).

“Ohhhh shit, ohhhhh fuck.” Cheryl said. “I did not see that coming at all, awwww man.”

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY FOREST.” The man bellowed.

Suddenly Cheryl leaped up like the badass he was and charged towards the man. He leaped onto the man like a feral rat and starting scratching at the man’s eyes.

“Oh Hee Hee Hee.” Man said. He grabbed Cheryl and flung him off his back.

“Hey! Leave him alone!” Brytani yelled at the man. She bared her two fists. The man laughed.

“What are you gonna do huh? Punch me?” The man mocked.

“No,” Brytani said. She smirked as a dark shadow appeared over the man’s head. “But you’re in big trouble now!”

Cheryle swung his fist into the side of the man’s head. The man staggered to the side. Cheryl landed on the ground with a loud thud and looked back at Brytani proudly.

“Hah! Teamw-” Cheryl was cut off as the man rose from the ground and grabbed his face with a big meaty hand. Cheryl felt himself lift off the ground and kicked his legs out. The man roared and slammed him into a nearby tree with what felt like all his might.

The last thing Cheryl remembered was a sharp pain exploding in his head, and the splintering bark gouging his face before he blacked out.


Cheryl groggily blinked his eyes open. His head was throbbing like someone had decided to surgically replace his brain with a heart. He rubbed his eyes a bit and looked around. Brytani and Tampay were sitting together next to a fire. Tampay seemed to have gotten over her shroom adventure. Brytani turned around, her eyes widened as she saw that Cheryl was awake.

“Cheryl! Are you alright?” She questioned, leaping over to him.

“I’m ok. I’ll be alright.” Cheryl reassured her as Tampay moved to join them. “What happened to the man who was attacking us?”

Tampay giggled nervously. “Well, uh….”

Brytani sighed. “After you were knocked out, Tampay, well. She…”

~ 1 hour earlier ~

“Cheryl!” Brytani cried out as he crumpled to the ground. She reached for her friend, but stopped as she felt something tug at her shirt. She turned around and saw Tampay tugging at her shirt.
“Tampay! Let go! I need to help Cheryl.” Brytani exclaimed, attempting to pry Tampay off her shirt.

“The bugs…… the bugs….. The bugs are hurting my friend…... “ Tampay muttered as she slowly stood up. The man’s grin slowly turned into a slight frown. Tampay stumbled around for a few seconds, but suddenly turned towards the man. Slowly, she turned to the log she was slumped on a few seconds ago.

“Tampay… wh-WHAT.” Brytani’s concerned whisper suddenly turned into a frightened yelp and Tampay lifted the log up. The man’s jaw dropped open.

“Who needs Raid™…. When…. I’ve got my germs…” Tampay slurred as she hurled the log at the man.

“ARHRHGHHHHHHAHAAAAAAAA.” The man’s screams were cut off as the log slammed into him, launching him into the forest to who knows where. And with that, Tampay fainted.


“And that’s why you should take drugs.” Tampay said.

“Tampay, no.” Brytani sighed.

“That’s so fucking cool, bro.” Cheryl said. “By the way, hows my head?”

“You should just have a minor concussion, you’ll be fine.” Brytani said as she put out the fire.

Cheryl shook his head in disbelief. He was pretty sure he could have died from have someone slam his head into a tree so hard that it broke, those Freeces genes are really something. He and Tampay helped Brytani put out the fire.

Once again, they were off.


Tampay: It’s Tampay’s-
Brytani: and Brytani’s-
Tampay: Today we’ll be introducing Cheryl Zoldyck-Freeces! He’s our good friend, a bit of a dumbass, but he’s got a heart of gold.
Brytani: His fathers, Gon and Killua, were both hunters! What a funny thing hee hee!!!
Both: hee hee…… yeah the amount of Raid™ in their house….. Hee…. hm.

Chapter Text

The trio paced through the forest, still slightly shaken up by the experience. Finally, they had made it to the end of the forest.

Cheryl lifted a hand to cover his eyes as the sun blinded him. The examiner was waiting for them. There didn’t seem to be anyone else around.

“Well now, I didn’t expect a couple of kids to show up here.” She said as she stood up, brushing off the dirt from her pants. “Alright, congrats I guess. You guys are almost done with the exam.”

“Huh?” Tampay’s eyes widened. “I thought there were like, a bunch of tests? This is like the second one.”

“Oh yeah,” The examiner chuckled. “Well actually, you’ve only got one more test left. We’ve sectioned off this place for people who already know nen. Seeing as how this young lass was able to lift a log and how this young lad was able to survive literally having his head smashed into a tree, I would say you guys are pretty well set.”

“Nen? What's nen?” Brytani whispered to Cheryl.

“It's this magic power thing, my dad explained it to me once, but I kind of forgot.

“Well what is this final test?” Brytani asked.

The examiner ran a hand through her short hair. “Well, it’s very simple really. All you need to do is make it through that tunnel without being able to see.”

The trio’s excitement quickly turned into dismay. The examiner smiled sweetly at them as she pulled off the glove on her hand.

“I’ll be removing your eyesight now. Don’t panic, it won’t hurt.” She gently placed a hand on Cheryl’s eyes. When she removed them, Cheryl found himself immersed in an inky darkness.

When all of their eyesights were taken away, the examiner led them to the tunnel.

The examiner watched as the trio ran off into the tunnel, bumping into the walls occasionally. She sighed contently, finally she could go back home to her wife.


The trio sprinted through the tunnel as fast as possible despite not being able to see at all. They came across a fork in the tunnel. How did they know? Idk nen I guess.

“We need to take the right.” Cheryl said.

“And how would you know that?” Tampay questioned.

“WELL you see Tampay, my dear, sweet friend. I have the nose of a Freeces! I can smell the poison in the tunnel, and frankly I don’t think it’s doing my brain much good. If we could get going that would be great.”

Tampay and Brytani shrugged and followed Cheryl down the tunnel.

They had been walking for quite a while now when there was low rumble from behind them.

“Um, what was that?” Brytani whispered nervously.

Suddenly, the cave roof began to shake. The ceiling was about to cave in.

The trio screamed and ran as fast as they could down the tunnel. The rocks were closing in on them.

“I can’t die here! My soundcloud fans will be devastated!” Brytani sobbed as she pumped her legs as fast as possible.

Cheryl couldn’t tell where he was or what he was doing. Only one thought was in his mind. Run. He had to survive, his parents would be so sad to hear about him being crushed by some measly roof. His thoughts of survival were cut short when he heard Tampay’s voice:


Cheryl reached to grab her and Brytani, trying to make sure they were both with him. If he died -no, if they died- he didn’t want them to suffer alone.

“Cheryl! Please!” Tampay’s voice kept ringing around his ears. He couldn’t tell where it was coming from. It was almost like she was everywhere at once.”

“Cheryl!” A different voice this time, a voice he had heard before, but he couldn’t recognize whose it was.

“Cheryl!” Wake up!”

Wake up? Cheryl thought as he collapsed in exhaustion. He couldn’t do it anymore, he hoped Brytani and Tampay had made it out at least. As he lay his head down on the cold stone floor, the roof above him crashed down.


There is no Hunterpedia.

Chapter Text

(A/N kurapika speaks with a fake new york accent (yorknew accent, in this case) but we’re too lazy to type it out, idk might do it so watch out for it EYY TONNYYY)

Tampay shook her unconcious friend’s body frantically.

“That won’t work.” The person beside her said. “Let me handle this.”

With that, they took the boy in their arms and started to frantically slap their face.

“Cheryl!!!!! Wake up! WAKE THE FUCK UP!”

“BLAAAAAGH.” Cheryl jolted awake. “WHAT THE FUCK? WHERE AM I?”

His friend sighed in relief.

“Cheryl, we thought you had died!” Tampay said.

“Died? In the tunnel? What happened? Will someone please tell me what’s happening.” Cheryl asked frantically.

“Tunnel?” Tampay tilted her head. “What tunnel? You fainted on the bus because you decided to drink the poison, dumbass.”

“WE FAILED? GODDAMN IT.” Cheryl yelled in frustration.

Brytani rubbed her temples. “We dropped out because of that. It’s ok though, we didn’t really want to keep going anyways… Gon called Culerpika to come pick us up.”

Cheryl heard a huff from behind him. “It’s KURAPIKA. Not Culerpika, it ain’t that hard.”

Kurapika reached out their hand to Cheryl and lifted him from the ground. Cheryl sheepishly scratched his neck, muttering thanks.

“Sorry guys, I didn’t realize what a stupid decision that was.” Cheryl said to his friends.

“It's fine, honestly it was probably a good idea. Kurapika was just talking about that time they had to ride on a sled with Tonpa and I think we really dodged a bullet with that one.” Brytani said. “Also I need to start writing my next song….”

Cheryl noticed Tampay blushing. The gay jumped out. He turned back to Kurapika.

“So how are you? Are you and your husband, Leorio, doing ok? Gon t-”

“MY HUSBAND????? LEORIO??? P-PLEASE ITS NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL. I’M IN A VERY HAPPY, STRAIGHT MARRIAGE WITH MY WIFE MELODY. CAPICHE?” Kurapika stammered out. “I support the gays, but I am not one.”

Cheryl shared a confused look with Brytani and Tampay as Kurapika continued to reassure to no one but himself that he was, in fact, a one hundred percent heterosexual straighty. Gon told them the stories of Leorio and Kurapika. There was no way in hell he would ever marry a woman.

Cheryl patted Kurapika’s shoulder in an attempt to calm down the rambling man.

“It’s ok, Kurapika. I understand... I think.”

Kurapika sucked in a deep breath. It seems as though he had finally calmed down.

“I apologize. There’s been someone…. No, something that’s been on my mind for a while now.” he said, eyes still closed.

“Huh? Care to share?” Cheryl asked.

“It’s not something I can tell you, I need to show you.” Kurapika said. He finally opened their eyes, which were blazing red.

Suddenly the air around Kurapika sparked, and a vortex appeared behind him. A boy who looked like Gon popped out from the vortex

“Kurapika. Your eyes. Your eyes. Your eyes. Your eyes.” It yelled at Kurapika over and over again until he groaned in frustration and his eyes went back to their regular brown color. The vortex closed, and the boy disappeared. Cheryl staggered back in shock.

“Wow…. wait it looked just like me!” Cheryl exclaimed.

“Right? Cheadle ran some tests and she said it was an omnipresent being from another dimension. How it got here….. No one knows. All we know right now is that it only appears when my eyes are red, and only disappears once they aren’t. Everytime it shows up it just keeps yelling at me about my eyes. Annoying, really.” Kurapika muttered. “And a little racist.”

Brytani nodded in understanding. “That really sucks.”

Kurapika sighed. “I should have just let Emperor Time get me.”

The three children did not respond to this, instead opting to take interest in the dirt beneath their shoes.

“So, that was all my dream? Tampay, you never ate those psychedelic mushrooms?” Cheryl asked, ignoring Kurapika’s previous statement.

Tampay grabbed Cheryl by his shirt and lowered her voice. “Who told you about that? Was it Lil’ Hammy?”

“OK, kids,” Kurapika interrupted. “Listen, I’m gonna take you guys home. Leorio should be coming soon…”

Cheryl noticed that Kurapika looked a bit nervous. The gay is REALLY jumping out.

A few moments later and a car--specifically, a lime green Kia--came up to them. A tall, hunky man stepped out of the car. Kurapika’s cheeks (the ones on his face) turned a bright shade of red. Cheryl really wondered how Kurapika ever married Melody, considering he had seen Melody with Cheadle multiple times already.

“Hey, kids! Hi…. Kurapika…” Leorio said as he walked up to them.

“Hello….. Leorio…” Kurapika greeted him, “How’s Cheadle?”

“Oh you know, still being gal pals with Melody. What a funny pair they are haha.”

Kurapika forcibly smiled back. “Go yankees. I LOVE WOMEN AND SPORTS!” He suddenly blurted out, his eyes turning a deep shade of red. This caused the vortex to open again.

“Kurapika. Your eyes. Your eyes. Your eyes. Your eyes. Your eyes. Yo-”

“SHUT UP.” Kurapika’s eyes turned brown again.

Leorio gently patted his friend's shoulder, but he then rested his hand there for a while.

No one said anything. Cheryl was pretty sure this whole marriage thing had to be a joke.

“Sorry, Pika. I still haven’t found a way to get rid of Kuondo.” Leorio finally said.

“Kuondo? So this thing has a name?” Tampay asked.

“Oh yes, Melody could hear it in its heart or something.” Leorio replied.

“Can we just leave? Please? We should get the kids back home.” Kurapika sighed.
The kids piled themselves into the backseat. Kurapika hesitated at the door of the car before sitting down next to Leorio.

The drive back was relatively quiet as Leorio and Kurapika sat straight-faced in the front. The children were too tired to talk and quickly fell asleep.

As the car approached the Zoldyck-Freeces household, Leorio finally spoke.

“Listen, Kurapika, I-”

“Yes, Leorio?”

“I think I have a lead as to where this Kuondo thing came from. There’s going to be a ball down in the Southernpiece Auction House. I heard there’s a scientist that’s going to be there who’s studying interdimensional travel.”

“Leorio… I don’t know how to thank you....”

“You don’t need to. You’re one of the most important people in my life; I’d do anything to, I mean, for you.”

Leorio and Kurapika sat in uncomfortable silence. Kurapika decided to pull out his Android™

Kurapika on 420chan be like:
> in car with friend of like 2 decades
> he says im one of the most important people in his life and we share eye contact and he say would do anything to me
> P.S: we are both married we are very heterosexual incredibly heterosexual
> what does this mean?

They posted it and then turned off the phone as Leorio pulled into the driveway of the Zoldyck-Freeces household.

“Jesus Christ,” Killua muttered. “Is Leorio still driving that heckin ugly butt car?”


Tampay: It’s Tampay’s-
Cheryl: And Cheryl’s-
Brytani: and Brytani’s-
Tampay: Today we’ll be introducing Killua Zoldyck-Freeces! He’s Cheryl’s other dad, and he legally cannot swear! If he says a swear word, bad things could happen! Like the universe being destroyed! Also he lost a bet to Cheryl’s aunt

Chapter Text

“Are you serious? An omnipresent being from another dimension?” Gon asked, frowning. “And you think there’s going to be more info at this ball?”

Leorio nodded.

“As long as there are no ants, I’m in.” Gon said.

Leorio sniffed the air. “So THAT’S why your house smells like a nuclear waste dump. You were spraying Raid™ again?.”

“We got a discount with our Costco membership.” Killua yelled from the kitchen. “We bought like, three hundred cans as our anniversary gift for each other.”

Kurapika suddenly felt woozy, probably because of the Raid™. He felt himself slowly lean forward, but someone’s arms wrapped around them before they hit the ground. Leorio moved them to a nearby couch.

Killua went >;3 cause we alllll know whats goin down.

“Anyways, if you want to help I have some bad news for you.” Leorio continued. “The runners of this ball, well they aren’t really that friendly to gay people.”

“Huh,” Killua muttered. “So we need some beards… But who would go with us?”

“Actually, I know two people who might be up for it, although it might be hard to convince one of them.” Gon said.

“You don’t mean…” Killua’s words trailed off.

“Yes, I mean it. I need to call Hana and Retz.”

Chapter Text

“No, Retz, I’m not trying to get with you, that would never happen. YES I do need a really big favor can you just- please- I have a LOT of money I can give you, and some Raid™. Will that be ok? Fine, alright I’ll text you the details.” Gon hung up and sat down heavily on the chair.

“It’s all good over here.” Killua said, “Hana agreed to help us.”


Kurapika was still unconscious from the Raid™.

Leorio walked into the room Gon and Killua were sitting in.

“I just got off the phone with Cheadle, my wife—I’m heterosexual—and she said she’s going to be over in about thirty minutes with Melody.” He informed the two young men in front of him.

Gon and Killua looked at each other. Gon nodded and Killua frantically shook his head back. Ignoring Killua, Gon turned back to face Leorio.

“Leorio, are you really happy with Cheadle?” He asked the man in front of him.

“Huh? Well of course! I mean I spend a lot of time with her and stuff an-”

Gon waved his hand at Leorio, cutting him off. “But haven’t you noticed? She spends way more time with Melody than with you, and you spend way more time with Kurapika than with her.” Gon said

Leorio opened his mouth to protest, but Gon continued.

“You just don’t seem very happy with Cheadle, and Cheadle isn’t happy either. Will you just admit that you have feelings for Kurapika? It’s been two goddamn decades!”

Killua frantically looked at Leorio, and back at Gon. He waited for Leorio to snap back at Gon, but the man said nothing. Killua couldn’t help but agree with Gon. He hadn’t been making a >;3 face for two decades for nothing.

After an uncomfortable amount of silence, Leorio cleared his throat and finally got up.

“Kurapika and I should leave, I don’t want him to die from Raid™ fumes.”

Leorio picked up the unconscious Kurta from the couch and said goodbye to the couple.


It took around 20 minutes for Kurapika to regain consciousness.

“Hrngghn the bugs…. Leorio?” Kurapika’s eyes widened as he realized his head was on Leorio’s shoulder.

“Oh, you’re finally awake now.” Leorio said, smiling down at him.

Kurapika enjoyed the silence between them before Leorio broke it.

“You can get off my shoulder now, you know.” He said.

“Um, my head is too heavy,” Kurapika said, not moving an inch. “Anyways, can you drop me off here? I have to get back to my straight marriage, with Melody. Also I need to talk to Pairo.”

The Lime Green Kia screeched to a halt, and Kurapika stepped out of the car.

“Bye Leorio. I’ll see you later, with my wife, Melody.”

Kurapika stepped into his home. It was a very straight house. He knocked on the door of Pairo’s room.

“Come in!”

Kurapika entered the room. The floating disembodied head turned to face them, the two googly eyes stuck on their eyelids jiggled.

“Pairo, I have some good news. Leorio found a lead on how to get rid of this Kuondo thing.” Kurapika informed his old, recently revived friend.

“That’s so fucking cool lol.” Pairo said as they floated to the coffee cup next to them to take a big slurp. “So what’s the lead?”

“There’s a ball going down at the Southernpiece Auction House. There might be a scientist there studying interdimensional travel.”

“Hm…” Pairo muttered as they typed on their keyboard with their nose. “I can get you a couple tickets, 60% off, but I’ll need compensation. How many people are going?”

“Um, I’m not sure-”

“Alright screw it, I bought all the tickets.”

“Huh?! What about the scientist?”

“Oh Kurapika,” Pairo said as they floated to their friend, bumping their head on Kurapika’s shoulder because they didn’t have hands to lovingly pat it. “If you say the scientist is going to be there, they’ve probably already bought tickets. Also I wanna go too, I’ve been cooped up in this house for too damn long.”

“Pairo, you’re a floating disembodied head.”

“And Beans is a little green slut. Oh you’ll excuse a walking fucking jellybean, but you draw the line at a floating disembodied head? Give me a fucking break. I wanna wreak havoc.”

Kurapika sighed. Some things never change.

“Also, when can I see my nephew again?” Pairo asked, with a really weird chuckle.

“Huh? Oh, right. Uh, he will be back from boarding school in a month.” Kurapika responded, careful to keep their voice even.

“You said that, like, a month ago. He should be back in a week, according to yourself.” Pairo said back, narrowing their eyes.

“Oh, um, yes that’s what I meant. In a week.” Kurapika’s hands started to get clammy.

“Wonderful! Can’t wait to see little Pairo again haha.” Pairo chuckled. Kurapika forced a laugh. “Yep… I’m gonna go now. See you. Haha.”

As Kurapika closed the door, he decided to tell Melody about the lead when she came back from her Gurls Night with Cheadle.

If she ever decided to come back.


Kurapika: It’s Kurapika’s-
Leorio: and Leorio’s-
Kurapika: Today we’ll be introducing my wife, Melody! I am married to her because I am straight, I am so very heterosexual. She can toot that flute anytime! Also she’s having an affair with Cheadle, but to each their own am I right Leorio, my straight buddy,,,,, pal,,,, friend.
Leorio: Hahaha! Yeah! I love my wife Cheadle! Hahaha!
Both: :) #straightpride

Chapter Text

The day had finally come for the Big Ball™. Gon fidgeted with his tie as he stepped out of the car with Killua.

“I really don’t want to see Retz.” Gon said.

“Hey,” Killua reassured him. “Maybe this time will be better. It’s been a few years, maybe now she’s not batpoop insane.”

“I highly doubt that.”

“Hey guys.” A someone greeted them from behind. Killua and Gon turned around to see a young woman with blonde hair wearing a red dress behind them. She looked like the most generic person in the world.

“Hana,” Gon greeted, “Nice to see you again.”

“Haha I know you don’t mean that. How long will this take? You have money to give me and I places to go.” Hana said back. She was clearly not interested in the event.

“We just need to be able to get in.” Killua informed her. “We need dates, we need to be straight. After that we’re done, and I already transferred money to you.”

Hana crossed her arms. “Let’s get this over ok?”

“Sure, we just need to wait for… my date.” Gon muttered unhappily.

As if the devil had been listening to them, and shrill voice cut through the evening.

“HEEEEEEY GOOOOON!!!!!” another blonde girl ran up to the trio waiting on the sidewalk. “WHAT IS UPPPP????”

Gon swallowed a sob. “Oh My God, It’s Retz. I Couldn’t Be More Happy To See You Right Now.”

“Save it for the dance floor uwu.” Retz waved her hand. She didn’t seem to notice Killua and Hana.

“Kurapika and Leorio should be in there already.” Gon said, dragging Retz behind him so he could get the ordeal over as fast as possible. Killua and Hana followed close behind.


Leorio had already lost Cheadle to Melody. Luckily he still had his best buddy, Kurapika, there.

Oh and Pairo’s floating disembodied head was there also. They had a little tie on and everything, so cute.

Leorio watched Cheadle and Melody dance together discreetly, They were doing a pretty good job at hiding it.

“You do know that she’s only married to you because of the tax benefits, right?” Pairo whispered to him.

“I’m ok with that because I’m a feminist.”

Pairo shook themselves in disappointment, and floated off to drink some alcohol.

Cheadle and Melody stepped in rhythm to the jazz music playing in the grand hall. They never touched, but were still in . Melody was enjoying Cheadle’s company so much, she nearly forgot what she was doing there. She stepped closer and closer towards Cheadle until Cheadle’s head suddenly jerked around.

“The scientist!” She hissed at Melody. “Get Leorio and Kurapika, quick!”

Melody ran over to the corner they were standing in.

“Cheadle’s spotted the scientist!” She informed them urgently.

Kurapika and Leorio looked at eachother.

“Where’s Gon and Killua? Shouldn’t they be here by now?” Leorio asked.

“I have no idea where they are, but we can’t stop to wait for them. You try and strike up a conversation with the scientist. Cheadle and Melody, we’re gonna get Pairo.”

Leorio cautiously approached the scientist when he was standing alone at a table.

“Mr. Scientist?” He asked, offering his hand out to the young man.

“Yes that would be me.” He replied, taking shaking Leorio’s hand.

“I heard about your work on interdimensional travel.”

The scientist’s eyes lit up. “Oh yes, it’s very interesting. We recently discovered two strange beings we think may have come over from different dimensions…”

The man continued yammering about his work. It wasn’t very interesting to Leorio. The only things that interested him was medicine and Kurapika

And Cheadle, I guess.

Leorio waited for the man to finish his lecture before speaking again.

“Actually I wanted to talk to you about that being you said might have come from another dimension. Do you have any theories about how it could have come here?”

“Ahem. Well you see, right now the only way we can travel between dimension is through death. We ran a scan on the heat signature of one of the beings and found that he was from a dimension much like ours. He very unfortunately died of head trauma during their version of the hunter exam. Such a shame, he was only 12. We weren’t able to figure out his old name, but we think it may start with a k.”

Leorio nodded in understanding. “Do you know of a way to send a being away?”

“No! We aren’t researching that. Although, I did a little digging myself and it seems like the area that they came in through is their weak link. This particular being arrived in an old apartment complex that used by two of the old Zodiacs. ” The man said.

Leorio sighed, he knew exactly what the man was talking about. He thanked the scientist for his time and left in a hurry to find his friends.


“How much longer could we possibly wait? Didn’t Pairo buy all the tickets? Why is the line so long?” Killua muttered to Gon.

“Shhh…” Gon quieted Killua down. “There’s only a few people left.”

The line slowly shuffled along. Gon, Killua and the girls finally entered the hall.

“Well that’s all right Killua?” Hana asked.

“Yeah, well see you nev-”

“Hubba Bubba…” Retz suddenly spoke up. “Who’s that hottie standing next to the white haired dude?”

“Me?” Hana asked, her eyes widening.

“Yeah you, ;). This place is boring, why don’t I invite you to a night of bustin some balls hm?” Retz flirted, winking.

“Well I don’t see why not.” Hana flirted back, taking Retz’s arm. “See ya later losers!”

Gon and Killua finally relaxed.

“I never want to do that again.” Killua muttered. “Let’s go find Leorio and Kurapika.”

“Gon! Killua!” Melody yelled as she ran towards them. “We’re gonna head back to Cheadle’s and figure out what to do from there. Come on!” She pulled them to where their friends were waiting.

Killua mentally noted to never to go to a straight party ever again.


Gon: Its gon’s-
Killua: and Killua’s-
Both: hutuheuHUTNUNTUNUN
Gon: today we’ll be introducing hana!
Killua: Yes it’s THAT hana the one we all know and adore, created by our wonderful friend [redacted]
Gon: Well anyways! We’ll never see her again, but she and Retz have been doing generic shit all night and that’s fine with us! #genericpride.
Both: hee hee!

Chapter Text

Cheryl was bored.

“This is boring.” Cheryl stated.

Tampay looked at him. “Oh, come on. What about THIS”— She waved her arms for emphasis—“Is BORING?”

“Breaking into houses and removing the batteries from remote controllers just isn’t as fun as it used to be.” Cheryl sighed.

Tampay dropped her handful of Double A batteries. “Well, do you have a better idea?”

Just then, a group of men with a bunch of signs walked by. They were shouting something…

“As a former fetus, I oppose abortion!”

The trio watched the men walk by, then turned to face each other.

“I have an idea.” Cheryl said with a smirk.


Cheryl, Tampay and Brytani stood outside of a building with the words ‘FORMER FETUSES FOR LIFE’ plastered on it.

“OK, here’s the plan.” Cheryl said. “We’re going to go inside and start bullying them.”

Brytani and Tampay stared at him, unimpressed.

“That’s it? THAT’S your master plan?” Tampay questioned.

Cheryl looked confused. “Well, yeah.”

“That’s lame, Cheryl.” Brytani whispered. “Like, super lame. Lamer than that time in 4th grade when that dog stole your underpants after you peed yourself.”

“So THIS is lame, but stealing batteries isn’t? What the hell guys--”

“LOOK, here’s a better idea.” Tampay shouted over him. She reached into her tote bag and dug out 3 ski masks and a few pairs of sharingan contacts. “Put these on, everyone.”

“TAMPAY. WHAT.” Cheryl had a shocked expression on his face. Brytani looked interested, but still unsure.

“Y’know what, Cheryl? You don’t get a ski mask. Have fun with a garbage bag I cut holes in.” Tampay threw a garbage bag at him.


“Calm down, Cheryl. We’re just going to scare them.” Tampay said, exasperated. Why did Cheryl have to be so difficult?

“Ohhhh, no, Tampay. I know you. You say, ‘Oh, we’ll just scare them’ or, ‘Oh, I’ll just be gone a few minutes.’ And the next thing you know you’ve been gone a week and there’s an Amber alert out on you and everyone’s been scared sick and I think you’re dead when in reality you were just living in the vents of a pool supply store so you could steal chlorine at night. I AM NOT GOING TO DO THIS, AND THAT’S FINAL.”

5 minutes later, and Cheryl was doing it.

Not only was he doing it, but he was also tying up a group of men at Tampay’s request. One minute, I’m taking the Hunter Exam… The next I’m doing this. What have I become…, Cheryl thought.

“Why are you doing this?” Man #1 cried out.

“Because I fucking want to.” Tampay said, waving her Nerf™ gun around. “Also, I hate pro-lifers.”

“See? I knew it… Pro-lifers really are oppressed.” Man #2 huffed.

“Shut up, Brad.” Tampay commented, shooting him with a Nerf™ bullet.

“OUCH. That’s not even my name-- OUCH. StOP It. LIKE FOR REAL STOOOOOOP.” Brad yelled.

Meanwhile, Brytani was hooking up her microphone to their sound system. Now’s the chance to show off my freestyle rap skills to Tampay… She thought. Brytani fondly looked over at Tampay who was currently occupied with terrorizing Brad. She’s so cute.

“OK, I’m gonna rap for you all now.” Brytani announced.

“What?” Brad asked, bewildered. Tampay shot him with another Nerf™ bullet. “Shut up and listen!”

“Cheryl, give me a beat.” Brytani commanded, and Cheryl obliged. He began to beatbox.

A fetus has no soul!
We demand access to birth control!

Raise a kid? Not everybody’s able!
Some don’t have jobs, their lives ain’t stable!

Even if they have every opportunity,
Some don’t want to have kids, it’s that easy!

“STOP!” Shouted an unknown voice. “YOU CAN’T LET HER FINISH THE SONG!”

Brytani stopped singing and pivoted her head to see the owner of the voice. It belonged to a short, chubby man in judge robes. He actually resembled Tonpa quite a bit.

Tampay aimed her Nerf™ gun at him, but before she could shoot, Brad slipped his arms from the knot and tackled her. They struggled for a few moments, but Brad managed to grab the Nerf™ gun from her while Man #1 restrained her.

Brytani unplugged her microphone and used the wire as a whip, swinging it around in the air. One of the men approached her, so she swung the microphone at him, knocking him out. However, the man who resembled Tonpa 2.0 snuck up from behind her and grabbed the microphone, using the wire to tie her hands together.

This is the worst possible thing that could’ve happened, Cheryl thought, terrified. He wanted to run, but even more he wanted to help his friends. He knew it was aimless, but hey--if they both died, at least he would die with them.

He charged at Brad, and, like he predicted--was immediately punched and lost consciousness.


When Cheryl awoke, he was in a dimly lit room. At first he thought, Maybe I’m asleep in my bed. Maybe this was a dream too, like the exam. But as he lifted himself up, he realized he was in a room with anywhere from 10 to 15 pregnant teenagers. This isn’t my room. Definitely not.

He searched the crowd for a familiar face. Sitting on the couch next to the pregnant teens, were Tampay and Brytani. They were both asleep.

“Hey, he’s up.” One of the pregnant teens commented. The other soon-to-be-moms turned their attention to Cheryl.

“Um, hi.” Cheryl squeaked out.

A chorus of ‘Hi’’s and ‘Hello’’s erupted from the crowd.

“Ladies, if I may ask, where are we?” Cheryl inquired politely.

“A lactation room.” One of the girls replied.

“A… A what?”

“It’s this bogus thing pro-lifers made up as an attempt to give relief to student moms. The idea is that if you give teen moms a place to nurse while they’re at school then they, like, won’t want an abortion or something. Yeah, like a lactation room is going to solve my problems. Call me back when you pay for my tuition, am im I right, girls?”

All of the teens laughed, but Cheryl felt left out on the joke. I guess I’d have to be a pregnant teen to find that funny.

After the laughter died down, the teen continued talking. “Haha, yeah, but anyways we’re all trapped here.”

“W..WHAT. WHY DIDN’T YOU OPEN WITH THAT??” Cheryl asked frantically.

The room was quiet. “Want to play Uno?” A different girl proposed. Cheryl ignored her and started yelling.

“Tampay! Brytani! Wake up!”

The girls near Tampay and Brytani started to poke them awake. Tampay started muttering something groggily. Brytani shot up, fully alert.

“Where are we? What happened to those pro-lifers?” She looked around to notice all of the pregnant teenagers.
“Quick, somebody, was I sleep singing???”

The girl who explained the lactation room spoke up again. “Yes, you were.”


“Depends on your definition of ‘good’, I guess.”

Brytani narrowed her eyes. “What’s your name, lady?”

The girl blinked before responding. “My name is Cordelia. Cordelia Scalia.”

“Scalia, huh? Where have I heard that name…” Tampay pondered.

“The man who attacked you is my father, Scalia.”

“WHAT?” The trio shouted.

“He’s the head of this movement. When he found out I was pregnant and was considering abortion, he locked me up here, like the rest of these girls.”

“That’s just inhumane.” Cheryl commented. Cordelia nodded. “It is.”

Brytani stretched her hands out in front of her. “Can someone please untie these microphone-handcuffs?”

Tampay nodded and did as she requested. As Tampay held the microphone in her hands, she had an idea.

“Guys, I have an--”

“Idea?” Cheryl hissed. “Another idea that’s going to get us captured? Murdered, maybe?”

“Huh? What the fuck’s your problem?” Tampay asked, clearly pissed off.

“Whenever I say I don’t want to do something you just drag me along with you! You never think about my feelings, only your own!”

“That isn’t true! I…” Tampay paused before finishing her sentence. “Well, I guess that is true.”

She had dragged them along to do this today, despite Cheryl’s insistence he didn’t want to. It was mostly her fault, if not completely.

Everyone in the room looked at the two. “This is awkward…” The Uno Girl whispered to Cordelia.

Cheryl looked at Tampay, still adamant but sympathetic. “I’m sorry for shouting at you, but I’m not wrong.”

“No, you’re not wrong. You’re right. I made you go along with this even though you didn’t want to. I’m sorry, and I will try not to do this again in the future. Please tell me if I am.” Tampay answered, maintaining eye contact with Cheryl.

Cheryl nodded. “Thank you. Now, what was your idea?”

Tampay smiled. “See this microphone?”


Tampay unscrewed the battery compartment and took out two batteries. “This door is electronic. That means it can be short circuited.”


“Supreme leader Scalia,” Brad said, kneeling before Tonpa 2.0. “The children have been locked in the lactation room. Are you doing ok?”

Scalia pushed back his greasy hair. “My hold on this world only becomes stronger… with every baby born I can feel myself becoming more and more physical.”

Brad smirked. “Anything for you, Supreme Leader Scalia.”

Scalia looked out the window. “In my past life, I was scorned. And it was all because of what i believed in life*. Here, in this strange new world, I can be who I-”

Scalia was cut off by the sound of a door banging open. Cheryl, Tampay, Brytani, and dozens of girls flooded the room. Cordelia was leading the charge.

“Fuck you, Scalia! You're not even my real dad!” Cordelia shouted. She slammed a boombox down on the ground. “HIT IT, BRYTANI!”

“NOOOO!” Scalia, screamed. “BRAD! STOP THEM!”

Just before Brad could move, Tampay kicked him in the nuts. His nuts flew right off.

Brytani took a deep breath.

You claim to be pro-life but you’re about to die
‘Cause i’m about to spin a beat so fly
You’ll wish that you had been aborted
Instead of having your plans thwarted

Tell me, in the bible, where does it say
If you have an abortion you will have to pay?
That a clump of cells are worth more than a girl’s life?
That she has to live just to live a life of strife?

“GUARDS! SEIZE HER!” Scalia yelled desperately. “WE CAN’T LET HER FINISH THE SONG!”

The other men started to charge, but the pregnant teens, Cheryl, and Tampay started to kick their asses.

Lactation rooms are your so-called solution?
You preach shit that isn’t even in the constitution?
You don’t care about the babies in the foster system,
You just want to have control over women’s volition

Scalia began to choke. The air around him crackled as his physical form melted away.

“KEEP GOING BRYTANI! IT'S WORKING!” Tampay encouraged her as she strangled Man #1.

A fetus has no soul!
We demand access to birth control!

Raise a kid? Not everybody’s able!
Some don’t have jobs, their lives ain’t stable!

Even if they have every opportunity,
Some don’t want to have kids, it’s that easy!

it isn’t about life, it’s about control!
‘women must suffer, they must pay a toll’
My women, my sisters, stand up and fight!
You are the future, this is your right!

Fuck you, Scalia, this is the end!
We are something you can’t comprehend!

(Also follow me on Soundcloud)

Brytani slammed the microphone onto the floor, turning around to jab a finger at the writhing figure before her.

“Now go back to hell.”

Scalia gurgled before a vortex appeared behind him and sucked him in. There was no trace of him left.

“SUPREME LEADER SCALIA! NOOOO!” Brad cried out as he grasped for the air where Scalia had been seconds ago with the hand that wasn’t grasping his nutless crotch.

The girls cheered and hugged each other as their fetuses also disappeared and manifested in the sewers. Cordelia turned to the exhausted trio.

“Thank you guys so much! You freed us!”

Brad, enraged, started yelling at the trio. “YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS!”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever, Professor Nutless.” Tampay muttered as she knocked him out.’

“How did you know to defeat him with music?” Cordelia asked.

“Well, he seemed really nervous about Brytani’s song. I assumed there was something about it that would affect him negatively.” Tampay told Cordelia. Tampay walked over to where her tote bag was and slung it over her shoulder. ”Anyways,, we still have double AA batteries left from when we used them to short circuit the door. You want some?”

“I’m good, but I’m amazed that a couple of kids like you could defeat an omnipresent interdimensional being like that at such a young age!”

“Wait,” Cheryl suddenly perked up. “Did you just say omnipresent interdimensional being?”

“Yeah, why?”

The trio looked at eachother.



Cheryl: It’s Cheryl’s-
Brytani: And Brytani’s-
Tampay: and Tampay’s-
Brytani: Today we’ll be introducing Scalia! He used to be a supreme court justice in your world before he died and came here! Now he’s dead again! I wonder where he went to?
Tampay: No one knows, no one cares we need to tell Kurapika about Kuondo tho.

Chapter Text

Melody was packing her flute up when Cheryl, Tampay, and Brytani burst into the room.

“WHERE’S KURAPIKA I NEED TO TALK TO THEM.” Cheryl yelled in Melody’s face.

“THEY’RE UPSTAIRS WITH LEORIO WHY?” Melody yelled back as her hat was blown off her head.

Cheryl didn’t answer. He sprinted away from Melody and galloped up the stairs, kicking open the door to Kurapika’s room.

“KURAPIKA. Hnnfhghrnhfnhgnr…” Cheryl collapsed in exhaustion from running too much. Leorio stopped totally not caressing Kurapika’s face and picked up the boy.

“Kurapika, we know how to defeat Kuondo.” Brytani said as she ran into the room.

“Huh? How did you figure it out?”

“It’s a long story, call my parents and Cheryl’s.”


“Music, huh.” Leorio tapped his chin. “Well it shouldn’t be too difficult. We have Melody on our side and I know a bit of violin.”

“And Brytani is still the best singer out of all of us, so we have that.” Canary said.

Killua cleared his throat. “Right, well about that. Canary I think it’s best that we don’t bring the kids.”

“Huh? Why?” Canary frowned.

“Well it’s because….” Killua leaned down and whispered in Canary’s ear


“3’:” Killua said.

Cheadle’s face showed no emotion, but everyone could hear the sob she was holding back.

“We found that when past Kuondo died, it appeared in [redacted]. The scientist said that going back to the source of the being will help eliminate it completely.” She choked out before burying her face in Melody’s shoulder.

“If we don’t have Brytani, then how are we going to defeat Kuondo?” Canary asked.

“Well Kurapika has the voice of an angel.” Leorio said. “I’m saying this because they’re my bff.”

“Well then, I think we have a solid plan.” Cheadle said.


The Lime Green Kia pulled up to the abandoned apartment complex. As Leorio and Kurapika stepped out of the front seat.
Gon, Killua, Canary, Amane, Cheadle, and Melody tumbled out of the backseat meant for three people. Gon groaned as he was crushed by everyone.

“Well this is it.” Gon wheezed as everyone scrambled to get off of him. “Leorio, do you have anything to say?” He turned towards the taller man expectantly.

Leorio cleared his throat. “ Oh. Um, well yes. Kurapika….”

“Yes, Leorio?” Kurapika looked up at him.

“Well I just wanted to ask you…”

Everyone else 👀👀👀ed.

“I wanted to ask…. To ask if you've done your vocal warm ups yet?”


Kurapika's face lit up. “Yes! I have! And I drank a lot of water and did everything that you told me to do.” They said.

Gon sighed in defeat. “You guys are never going to understand, are you? Whatever, let's hurry up.”

The gang ran into the apartment complex. They weaved through long corridors and ran down stairwells. They finally came to a stop at a large metal door. Gon cautiously pushed it open, taking a peek inside.

“It's safe.” They entered the room. It was a large, dimly lit bedchamber with a king sized bed pushed against the wall. It looked as though no one had entered in a long time.

“Wow, I didn't expect Ging to be such a vanilla bitch.” Leorio commented.

“Yeah, I'm. Kurapika are you ready?” Gon muttered uncomfortably.

Kurapika's eyes turned scarlet. The air crackled and Kuondo emerged from it's vortex.

“Your eyes. Your eyes. Your eyes.”

Melody took and deep breath and blew into her flute. Leorio started fiddling on his violin. Kurapika drew in a deep breath.

But no sound came out.

The gang watched Kurapika squeak out a grating sound before they closed their eyes.

“I… I'm sorry, I don't think I can do this.” They murmured.

Kuondo disappeared again.

“Kurapika? What's wrong?” Canary asked, concerned.

“No, I mean i was just thinking.” Kurapika paused. “Is it worth it? I mean it's not like Kuondo's interfering with everyone else's lives an-”

“Hey now. (You're an all star)” Leorio suddenly piped up. “I know you didn't just say that.” The taller man stalked over and grabbed Kurapika's shoulders. He did that a lot, because he's gay.

“What do you mean?” Kurapika asked.

“I mean that it's not about us, it's about you. I can see how much Kuondo's affecting you. You've lost sleep over it and we need to get rid of it now before it gets worse. And also-” Leorio grimaced and looked at Gon.

Gon looked like he was about to explode. (Killua: >;3c)

“And also,” Leorio continued. “I like… really like you. Like, like like you.”

Gon facepalmed. What kind of 30 year old confessed like that?

“LEORIO…” Kurapika gasped scandalously. “Cheadle is RIGHT THERE.”

“DAMMNIT KURAPIKA. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.” Leorio suddenly snapped. “Cheadle is gay, Melody is gay, I'm bi, you're gay, NONE OF US ARE STRAIGHT AND WE NEED TO STOP PRETENDING WE ARE.”

“How do you know I'm gay?!” Kurapika yelled.

“GOD (togashi) TOLD ME.” Leorio yelled back.

Kurapika's mouth snapped shut.

“Also I divorced Cheadle, and I know it's the same with you and Melody, right?” Leorio continued.

Kurapika nodded.

“So does this mean I can date Melody officially now?” Cheadle asked.

Kurapika sighed. “Leorio's right, I do need to be honest about how I feel. I… also like like you.”

“YAHOO!!!!!” Gon cheered from the background. (Kurapika and Leorio are making out in the foreground mwah bitch!)

Leorio finally came up for air.

“Let's get this bitch Kurapika.”

“Hell fuckin yeah.”

“I wish I could swear.” Killua muttered.

The three musical friends readied their instruments (in Kurapika's case, it was his throat which sounds weird but we promise it's not.)

Kurapika activated his eyes and Kuondo emerged again.


(A/N listen to this for full affect

As they played and sang, Gon noticed that Kuondo wasn't being affected. In fact, it seemed to be getting larger.

“Play louder!” He commanded the trio.

Melody stopped blowing into the flute, panting.

“I can't! My lungs are unnaturally small for a flute player!” She gasped. Leorio and Kurapika also stopped.

“We need something stronger. We need a bop!” Leorio said.

YOUR EYYYYYESSSSS.” Kuondo screeched.

“Brytani!” Amane suddenly blurted out. “She just released a new single on soundcloud, maybe that could work?”

“You mean Toxyc?” Melody asked. “That should work, it is quite a bop.”

The others nodded in agreement.

The musical trio readied themselves again.


Kurapika started to sing...

Baby, can't you see
I'm calling
A guy like you should wear a warning
It's dangerous
I'm falling
There's no escape
I can't wait
I need a hit
Baby, give me it
You're dangerous
I'm loving it
Too high
Can't come down
Losin' my head
Spinnin' 'round and 'round
Do you feel me now?

“It's working!” Killua exclaimed as Kuondo began to writhe. “Keep going!”

The taste of your lips
I'm on a ride
You're toxyc I'm slippin' under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I'm addicted to you
Don't you know that you're toxyc?
And I love what you do
Don't you know that you're toxyc?
It's getting late
To give you up
I took a sip
From my devil's cup
Slowly, it's taking over me
Too high
Can't come down
It's in the air and it's all around
Can you feel me now?


Kuondo began to pulse, struggling under the spell of the bop.

“We need to fight back!” Gon said. “ALL TOGETHER NOW!” The others began to sing as well.

Taste of your lips
I'm on a ride
You're toxyc I'm slippin' under
With the taste of a poison paradise
I'm addicted to you
Don't you know that you're toxyc?
And I love what you do
Don't you know that you're toxyc?
Don't you know that you're toxyc?
Taste of your lips
I'm on a ride
You're toxyc I'm slippin' under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I'm addicted to you
Don't you know that you're toxyc?
With the taste of your lips
I'm on a ride
You're toxyc I'm slippin' under
With a taste of the poison paradise
I'm addicted to you
Don't you know that you're toxyc?
Intoxycate me now
With your lovin' now
I think I'm ready now
I think I'm ready now
Intoxycate me now
With your lovin' now
I think I'm ready now

“AAAARHRHHRHHHHGAGAGGGHHHHH” Kuondo screamed as the vortex succed it back in. The vortex hummed and crackled before vwooping closed.

The gang collapsed in exhaustion. Melody fainted in Cheadle’s arms.

“We… We did it!” Gon screamed. His shout echoed throughout Ging’s sex dungeon. Leorio helped Kurapika up as the rest stumbled to their feet as well. Cheadle adjusted Melody so she wouldn’t wake up with a sore neck.

“Thank you for finally moving on from me, Leorio. You’re a sweet guy, but I only like you as a friend.” Cheadle said.

“Yeah, it’s fine. I was being pretty stupid for the past few years so.” Leorio said sheepishly, his arm around Kurapika’s shoulders. “You can have the house by the way, I already packed my things.”

Cheadle gave Leorio a smirk before waltzing out of the room with an unconscious Melody. Gon, Killua, Canary, and Amane followed the couple out, sensing that Leorio and Kurapika probably need to be alone for a bit.

Leorio coughed uncomfortably. “So….”

“So…” Kurapika’s eyebrows were reaching their hairline.

“Well I was wondering if you wanted to-” Kurapika pressed a finger up to Leorio’s lips.

“Leorio, I would be honored to marry you.” They said, smiling.

“Oh, well there’s that.” Leorio said. “But also I wanted to ask if you want to find a hotel room and just like, fuck.”

“Oh yeah, ok. Sure.”

Leorio and Kurapika ran out of room, because it was Ging’s sex dungeon.

Leorio: It’s Leorio’s-
Cheadle: and Cheadle’s-
Leorio: my dick is huge
Cheadle: today we’ll be introducing… ME! I’M A LESBIAN, STOP SHIPPING ME WITH MEN JYUANKA.
Leorio: please stop doing that. Also my dick is like an elephant because it never forgets wait. Thats not the sayign
Both: hee hee!!!

Chapter Text

Pairo: wtf do you mean youre gay
Pairo: whose going to have custody of Pairo Jr.
Kurapika: pairo i have something i need to tell you
Pairo: what
Kurapika: there is no pairo jr. he’s just a kid i pay to pretend to be my kid because you wouldn’t stop bugging me about having a baby. Melody had a pillow shoved up her shirt for like 6 months.
Kurapika: you stupid butt its ebcause pregnancy doesnt show for the frist 3 motnhs
Kurapika: i’m so tired. I’m so tireed. *takes a shot* listen Pairo, I already fucked Leorio ok????
Pairo: jokes on you because i put arsenic in that
Kurapika: *spitting it out* what the fuck pairo??
Pairo: just kidding XD
Pairo: whos best man
Kurapika: huh?
Kurapika: oh my fucking God you’ve already said this 500 fucking times. WE GET IT. YOU DIED. I WAS MARRIED TO A WOMAN AND I’M GAY SO DONT GO FUCKING CRYING ABOUT BEING DEAD… also what’s best man
Pairo: actually i don’t know let me google search that lol
Kurapika: this is a yahoo household -_-
Pairo: thats the final straw, mister. Im putting parental controls on
Pairo: yes i can
Kurapika: no you can’t. Like you can’t. You don’t know the password so you literally can’t
Kurapika: also start packing cause we’re movign into Leorio’s place in a bit lol
Pairo: e.ex.cuse…………………
Kurapika: dude trust me… its gonna be lit we got you a new hamster wheel and everything. Just cooperaate for once please . pelase
Kurapika: well that’s just unrealistic *uses emperor time*
Pairo: i hope you die this time.
Kurapika: well at least i havent already died
Pairo: but im gonna be best floating head your marriage right Kurapikaaaaaaa :(((((((?
Kurapika: well all my other friends are dead
Pairo: :)c Coolio.
Leorio: hey babe hows that ass doing
Pairo: i am right here also.
Leorio: yeah but :/ well whatever, don't you need to harass canary and amane for babysitting money.
Pairo: I DO. thank you for reminding me. Kurapika, you do have good taste in men.
Kurapika: 🤠
Leorio: so do you wanna
Kurapika: fuck? yeah

Canary: that's way too much.
Pairo: hey you try babysittin some teens when you have no hands. 500 jenny per hour is plenty fair.
Canary: we were gone for 12 hours.
Canary: that's 6000 jenny.
Canary: for babysitting
Pairo: my hands.
Amane: hey Pairo doesn't killua owe you some weed* money?
Pairo: HE DOES. Thank you for reminding me amane, you have great taste in women.


Pairo: pay up bitch
Killua: ok here's 500 jenny
Killua: FINE gosh darn it I'll pay the other 600 in a week ok? Why do you charge so freaking much.
Pairo: its Italian weed
Killua: how did you even get weed in the first place, you have no hands.
Pairo: haha you can't swear fucking loser
Killua: :(

Womanzier womanzier you’re a womanzier baby

(A/n. Didn't know what a best man was prior to writing this chapter)

Chapter Text

“No. You’re not doing this to me.” Pairo snapped, bumping into the door Kurapika had locked behind him in a fit of twink angst.

“I mean, I just don’t know if its a good idea… What if Leorio ends up hating me?”

Pairo busted through.

“THINK OF PAIRO JR.” They yelled, slamming their forehead into Kurapika.

Kurapika fell to the floor.

“Oh shit, sorry bro. You good?” Pairo called, floating over to their body.

They did not respond.

There was 30 minutes left to go before the wedding started.

Fuck, oh goddamn it, I screwed up so badly. Pairo thought as they floated around their unconscious friend. They pondered going to Leorio to tell him about the bad news, but he would be pissed off and Pairo didn’t have the energy to deal with that.

“Hey Kurapika, am I still flower boy o-”

“DON’T COME IN.” Pairo screamed at Cheryl before he stepped in the room.

“Oh! Sorry…” Cheryl said. “Do you need help?”

Pairo looked down at Kurapika, and back up. They had an idea. It was bad, but it was better than nothing.



It was time for the wedding. Pairo strapped Cheryl’s limbs to Kurapika’s. Cheryl waddled to the Dotre Name’s doors. Pairo pushed the chapel doors open. Everyone rose to their feet.

“Here’s a song I wrote in honor of Kurapika and Leorio…” Brytani announced, giving a strange look to Cheryl. Leorio, not noticing the unfortunate condition of his soon-to-be husband, wiped a tear from his eye.

you guys were so repressed
that it made us all depressed
we assumed you were a lost cause
when we figured out you had broke some laws
and committed fraud for tax benefits,
to let your fake heterosexuality commence

but NOW you're getting MARRIED
even though kurapika's being CARRIED
by his friend that was dead for SEVENTEEN YEARS
but at least you found out you’re both QUEERS!

Cheryl shuffled forward, Kurapika mimicked his movements.

“They’re heavier than I thought!” He hissed at Pairo.

“Just keep going! It’ll be fineeeeeeee.”

you're super cute with your platinum blonde hair
and that communist sweatshirt you always wear
I’ll beat the shit out of anyone you hate
I’m tempted to say this might be fate

you look straight from the 80's
i hope that you dig the ladies
i just want to impress you,
i don't want to repress like these two

i want to tell you how much i like you,
i'm scared of rejection;
i want to tell you how much i love you,
i'm scared of perfection

Kurapika started leaning to the left. Cheryl frantically shifted to the right, causing Kurapika to jerk around unnaturally. The crowd murmured to each other, sensing something was amiss.

“It’s a traditional Kurta wedding dance.” Pairo whispered to the person nearest to them, Melody.

Melody softly smiled and nodded.

Cheryl finally shuffled to Leorio.

“Is Kurapika ok?” Leorio asked, worried.

“Oh um…” Pairo frantically looked at Cheryl. Cheryl shrugged. “It’s… a traditional Kurta practice!” They finally blurted out.

The crowd awww’d. Aww wwwwwwwww

“Um, you see. In the Kurta culture, when someone got married, two children would volunteer to tie themselves to the back of the couple symbolizing uhhhhhh…… the bountiful womb from which we came from.”

“You should have told me Kurapika :(((((( I would have loved to partake in your traditions :((((.” Leorio said.

Cheryl jostled Kurapika like a rag doll.

Leorio hiccupped and sobbed through his vows. It took him at least 30 tries to say something coherent. Cheryl helped Kurapika do an interpretive dance of their vows. And then they kissed.

This is going better than I thought it would. Pairo thought to themselves smugly.

“Whwhwhagwgaawhwaha???? What the fuck??? Where am I?” A voice murmured behind Pairo just when they thought they were off the hook.

Kurapika had woken up


(A/N i turned in my essayyyyy)

Chapter Text

(A/N i turned in my essayyyyy)


Chapter Five 2.0 Free x my x Willy

Pairo could feel hundreds of eyes drilling holes into them. If they could sweat, they would be like a waterfall right now. Kurapika didn’t seem to notice Cheryl strapped to their limbs. Cheryl was dying, Leorio was dying, Melody looked really sad because she finally got to see her friend dance and it wasn’t even real.

Pairo didn’t know what to say. (And i don’t know what to write) They wished they were dead again. Kurapika tried to step forward, but Cheryl hindered their movements and the two stumbled around the altar before falling, Kurapika making sure to land on the ground as to not crush the boy.

Leorio rushed over to untie Cheryl as Kurapika lifted his head to look at Pairo.
“What. The FUck. Just Happened.” They said through gritted teeth. Cheryl finally got off and stretched his arms out.

“Uh, Kurapika, Don’t be mad :’(“ Cheryl begged. “Pairo fucked up yeah, but they just didn’t want to completely ruin your day :’<.”

Kurapika groaned and rubbed their head as Leorio helped them up.

“I’m not… mad I guess, I’m more just confused. I mean I have Pairo’s eyes stuck on my face. How did none of you notice something was wrong?”

The crowd murmured to each other and shuffled uncomfortably.

“Thot it was a tradition lol.”” Cheadle muttered.

“I- ok you know what, whatever. Let's just redo this really quick.” Kurapika muttered, rubbing their temples. “Also, Pairo I'm demoting you to second best head.”

“WHAT? WHOS BEST MAN IS IT ZEPILE????????” Pairo yelled in outrage.

“No, it's my sentient dolphin friend i've named Willy.” Kurapika activated emperor time and a dolphin floated out of his pinky or whatever.

“EeeE e eeee eeee eee.” It squeaked.

“You wanna fuckin go?” Pairo growled.

“EeEEeeEeEeEEEE eeeee eeeeeEEEE.”

“Fuck, I've been outsmarted by a nen dolphin.”

~~~ (i’m too lazy to write a transition)

Kurapika kicked open the door to the chapel.

“Y’ALL WANT KURTA TRADITIONS? I’LL GIVE YA KURTA TRADITIONS!” They yelled as Willy the Nen Dolphin shot a stream of water into the air (Symbolizing, well, you’d have to be @homopika on tumblr to know ;)) It hit a ray of light streaming through the Dotre Name’s famed flower windows, creating a rainbow. (Symbolizing gay love, all the Kurta were gay sorry guyz).

Pairo led Kurapika down the aisle. They shook away a tear forming at the corner of their googly eye as they had no hands to wipe it away properly. Leorio was crying (again)

Yes it took Leorio 30 tries to get his vows correct, yes Kurapika did an interpretive dance of their vows because that was actually Kurta tradition, and Yes i’m really tired of writing this chapter. They got married, they kissed, they did all the bedroom shit during their honeymoon on Milf island. You’re welcome! Gay rights!

Chapter Text

Hey whoever reported us is a fucking narc. also if yall are wondering what happened well uh we got reported and had to repost our fic. do not worry. Shoutout to everyone who commented and gave us kudos... You're the OGs. 4 guests left kudos on the original, as well as menthuthuyoupi, Espeones, RatBoiKurapika, karmaticinstitution, and CommanderEivlys.

Comments from the original were:

CommanderEivlys: "Op this is the only fic to deserve to exist"

methuthuyoupi: "I'm rlly abt to kill u for this one op"

Espeones: "I have no idea what is happening but this is great 😂💀"

Thank you all for sticking with us... Now Pls enjoy this new era

Chapter Text

Leorio woke up. It was great, he was no longer in an unhappy marriage and things were looking pretty good for him and Kurapika. He sauntered into his bathroom and proceeded to take care of his daily routine. He then strolled down to the kitchen to make his lovely husband some coffee and perhaps a muffin to go along with it.

As Leorio poured the coffee into Kurapika’s favorite mug he heard shuffling. He prepared to greet the love of his life, but was cut off.

“Um. Hey listen don’t freak out Leorio.... But…”

“Oh whatever it is I’m sure it can’t be as bad as KuondO-- WHAT THE FUCK.”

Leorio dropped the mug (which didn’t break thank god) as he turned around to look at Kurapika.

Kurapika was, well for lack of a better term, pregnant.


“I’m not getting an abortion.” Kurapika huffed.

“How are we going to take care of this child. We don’t have anything prepared, we never talked about it, you get road rage easily and I don’t think that’s a good influence on a baby, we don’t even know what to name it. Also how come it looks like you’re already at the end of your term shouldn’t it start showing 3 months in?” Leorio babbled frantically.

“Ok first of FUCKING all I do not get road rage easily. I just thought that guy was Shalnarc before I remembered he was dead. SECONDLY, I’m Catholic now I’m not getting an abortion.”

Leorio blinked.

And then he blinked again.

“Since when?”

“Since when did I get pregnant? Well maybe it was after Kuon-”

“Oh, since our wedding, we were getting married in a Catholic church so I thought I would just dunk my head in the holy water just for funsies and now I’ve been baptized.”

Leorio blinked.

He blinked harder.

“That’s not how that works.”

“Yeah it is, you don’t know anything you aren’t Catholic.”

“Do you even know who Jesus is?”

“Yeah, duh. He’s half man half g-”

“NO. He’s fully God and fully human I- why am I even talking about this ok we’re going to Gon and Killua’s.”


Gon and Killua blinked

And then Cheryl ran out of the room to text Brytani and Tampay.

And then Gon and Killua blinked again.

Killua nodded. “You need an abortion.” He said.

“I can’t, the Bible says-”

“You’ve never read the Bible, Kurapika,” Gon piped up. “I don’t even think you know what it looks like.”

Kurapika fell silent. He looked mad, like really mad. For a second Gon thought Kurapika wasn’t joking about being Catholic and was asking God to smite him. He sat away from them.

“You still need an abortion.” Killua said.

“HEY KURAPIKA,” Cheryl yelled out of the room. “DO YOU NEED A LACTATION ROOM?”

“What’s a lactation room?” Kurapika yelled back.
“Uh, um. I don’t know actually give me a second.”


“I can’t do this anymore,” Leorio sobbed. “Kurapika please I’m begging you just get an abortion. If you really want to have a baby we can always try again when we’re ready.

“YOu want me to commit murder? Huh? The bible say-”


Leorio and Kurapika continued to bicker. KIllua got up and dusted off his pants. He strolled over to the couple and breathed in deeply.

“HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. YAAAAAAAAAAAA.” He screamed as the brought his fist down Kurapika’s swollen belly.

Kurapika wailed as a watermelon shot out of their shirt at ballistic speed. Chunks of green and red splattered across the floor as if someone had murdered the personification of Christmas. Juice covered the walls.

The gang stared at the chunks of watermelon splattered across the floor.

“I don’t remember that being there.” Kurapika muttered.

Gon fainted in Killua’s arms.

Leorio blinked at his lovely husband.

And then he grabbed them by the shoulders.


“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ABORTED THE BABY. YOU HAVE DISGRACED MY NAME AS A CATHOLIC!” Kurapika shouted, ignoring Leorio’s questions.


“Wait, guys, look at this!” Killua interrupted. He walked over to where the watermelon had splattered and picked up a tiny, fleshy thingamabob (idk what noun to put here im sorry.) It was covered in watermelon juice and chunks.

“What. The fuck. Whadda the hell.” Leorio cried.

Kurapika clasped their hands together and sang joyously. “My BABY! YOU’RE ALRIGHT!!”

Killua made a disgusted face and dropped the Watermelon Baby into Kurapika’s hands. Kurapika cradled the baby and sobbed tears of relief.

“Why is it so tiny. That isn’t normal. Also how come it came out of a watermelon. Also how long was the watermelon pregnant… Am I high on Raid™ fumes? I’m so confused…” Gon asked to no one in particular, having just woken up.

“Oh haha thats right I totally forgot to tell you guys.” Kurapika cleared their throat. “Ahem, You see, there was a actually another condition to Emperor Time. If I ever got rid of it, then I would eventually become pregnant with a watermelon baby.”

“I want a divorce.”

“We can’t divorce we’re Catholic.”


Two days later, Kurapika got excommunicated from the church for contaminating the holy water with dandruff. The Paladiknight-Kurta had a wonderful new addition to their family, Paitro.

“That’s actually the stupidest name i’ve ever heard,” Killua whispered to Gon during the baby shower (like an actual baby’s shower. i am very funny)

Paitro: hhghrnghdfnhgn blab hblahbabhalbh (this is the hunterpedia segment)
Paitro: hrnghnr lblllllb blalblbgo ogo bo albhbh
Paitro: bhedfnkjbn blaaalalll??? Balblablalb!
Paitro: bldflbdfl blaaaaa!!!
Paitro: goo goo gagga, whore

Chapter Text

imagine: you die at the rip old age of 96 surronded by the several cats you and your wife adopted, as you are being lowered to the ground I suddenly appear and I shock you back to life with a defibrillator
"look at this picture" I say, it is of a shirtless leorio, his pecs are huge, his abs are glowing, he is also pantless, and his cock is massive.
you die and go to heaven

imagine coming home after a long day and you collapse on the bed amd leorio is there and hes like relax baby im gonna give you your flue shots and youre like :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: and then hes like ok now im gonna take your blood pressure and im like :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes:

imagine: you're taking a chem final and you forgot your calculator and yuour STUPID FUCKING SHITTY BITCH ASS TEACHER won't let you borrow one, so then you're sitting there about 2 cry abut then leorio falls out of the ceiling and the impact of his body sends a shockwave through his ass and the clap destroys your chem teacher' eardrums

imagine: leorio [redacted] your [redacted] and gets you [redacted]

Imagine: you steal kurapika's hunter license. Two weeks later they track you down, kill you, and takes the card from your dying hands

Imagine leorio holding my hand :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes:

Imagine: Leorio steals chrollos life force to bring back a #deceased kurapika and then marries him on the spot and hxh ends we never find out what happened to killua and gon

imagine: kurapika points at you on the street and says "perish heterosexual capitalist scum!" because you thought chrollo was hot, and then has leorio kill you with a thunderous clap of his ass

imagine this. youre secretly married to both leorio and kurapika. somehow they dont know. one day you realize they are cheatinng on you with each other

imagine: you are sitting with leorio on a beach watching the sunset. Suddenly he gets down on one knee and brings out a ring. he askes: "will you be my husband?" yur like what??? husband??? i'm woman???? Suddenly you realize that you are simply a grain of sand, wishing, wanting. and Leorio has married kurapika instead

Imagine: you and leorio are on the titanic and it is sinking. He has never seen you. He is about to get on a boat with his husband [redacted] and you beg to be let on as well. He turns around and says then perish

Imagine: you pick pocket leorio at rhe mcdonalds line and he points at you and says hey you stupid slut

imagine leorio trying to eat you out but his glasses keep getting in the way and stabbing you in the clit and you die

Imagine: you're waiting for your boyfriend, tonpa, on your 3rd anniversary. The waiter brings you some complimentary bread. You bite into something hard in the bread. Tonpa jumps out of the plastic decor bushes besides you and yells *happy anniversary y/n please marry me!* you proceed to die of asphyxiation

imagine: leorio waking you up at 2 am because your house is burning down :heart_eyes:

Chapter Text

Kurapika was laying sexily on the bed. “We haven’t gotten much alone time since the baby came along, hehe…” Kurapika winked.

Leorio wiggled his eyebrows. “No we haven’t…. hehehehe….” He took off his shorts to reveal a thong with Kurapika’s face on it.

Kurapika reached under the bed, for what Leorio had assumed to be a strap on. But what Kurapika pulled out was a tripod and a high definition camera.

“Where’d you get that camera?” Leorio asked.

“Oh, I bought it just for this occasion ;).” Kurapika responded nonchalantly.

“Haha for what ;)”

“For our sex tape ;)” Kurapika told him.

“Haha ;)” Leorio took off his thong.

~~~~~ One Week Later ~~~~

Leorio leaned against the doorway with that face that white people make when they pass people on the street.

“OK, so I have some good news and some bad news.” He said sheepishly.

“Start with the good news please.” Kurapika sighed.

“So the good news is, we’ve been invited to the Oscars!”

Kurapika looked at him quizzically. “We’ve never made a movie?”

“Haha ok, uh which brings me to my next point. I accidentally submitted our sex tape to the Sundance Film Festival when I was buying us tickets.”


“Hey we got rave reviews though.” Leorio said, pulling out his phone and going on rotten tomatoes.

Kurapika grabbed the phone and frantically scrolled through the reviews.

Powerful exploration of sexuality. - Anonymous

A realistic take on the struggles of the LGBT community. - The New York Times

I cranked like 3 out to this. Hot! - Ging Freeces

A beautiful film about discovering the transformative power of sex and love. - J.K. Rowling
Ew gay people - Retz

“Man fuck you Retz.” Kurapika muttered.

“OK, I’m gonna wear my thong to the Oscars so I can stay in character.”

“What? IN character? That’s not what the Oscars are for.” Kurapika said, still in disbelief.

“Ok maybe I just want to wear my thong. Stop asking so many questions.” Leorio said, slapping his ass.

Leorio and Kurapika got into Leorio’s lime green kia and they started driving. Kurapika got out their phone while Leorio was blasting Elton John. Kurapika googled “Leorio Paladiknight” and looked at the search results.

“YOU POSTED IT ON TIK TOK!?!??!?” Kurapika yelled.

“It was already famous at that point anyway. Look, people have even donated money to our patreon!”


“Well since I don’t charge patients for money I thought it would be a good idea to set one up.”

Kurapika groaned.

Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring the telephooone

Kurapika picked up their phone (finally). It was Gon.

“Hey! I heard you guys got nominated for an Oscar? I didn’t know you guys made films?” Gon chirped cheerfully through the phone.

“Gon…” Kurapika said angstily. “Don’t watch the Oscars… Please I pray to all my dead and undead friends don’t watch the Oscars.”

Gon coughed on the other end of the line. “Um… ok whatever you say… Good luck I guess?!”

And i think it’s gonna be a long long time till touchdown brings me round again to find a dildo.



“No, Scarjo is asian. That woman is clearly white.” Leorio scoffed.

As Leorio and Kurapika tried to find their way to their seats, various celebrities approached them and complemented their film.

“You know, I never thought a porno could have such excellent cinematography, especially one that didn’t even have a cameraman!” Guillermo del Toro said.

“Uh, thanks, I think.” Kurapika grimaced, trying to get to their seat as fast as possible.

A priest intercepted Kurapika. Kurapika prepared themself for a verbal beating but instead the priest said, “That sex tape was the only thing to ever cause me to break my vow of celibacy. Thank you Leorio and Blonde Twink. You have freed me from the confines of Christianity.”

“Excuse me?” Kurapika said. “Christianity is a GIFT. For shame!” Kurapika spit in the ex-priest’s face and left.

Kurapika and Leorio found their seats in the VIP section, right next to Oprah and a Man In a Fursuit.

“Nice fursuit, impeccable stitching, Man in a Fursuit!” Leorio noted.

“Why thank you.” M.I.A.F responded. “Say, aren’t you the guy from that porno?”

“Yes I am.” Leorio chuckled. Kurapika rolled their eyes. This was all going to Leorio’s head (the one on top of his neck haha hehee if you get what i mean)

“Wow, it’s an honor to meet you!” MIAF said, praising Leorio.

“Hey,” Oprah interrupted like she was selling drugs. “Want to buy my wine glasses? They are very special and they count how many calories you are consuming per wine glass. I was sued over them once would you like some?”

“Uh, no thank you Oprah. I would love to be on your talk show though!” Leorio suggested.

“Well I didn’t fucking ask you to be on my talk show though did I? I asked you if you wanted to buy my wine glasses. Of course you want to be on my talk show. Everyone wants to fucking be on my talkshow i’m Orah goddamn Winfrey.”

Suddenly the lights turned off, signaling the beginning of the show or whatver it is.

Vic Mignongan came out with a card. There was no hesitation as he said, “The Oscars go to Leorio Paaladigknigth for his amazing sex tape.”

Everyone clapped and whooped. MIAF burst into tears. Guillermo screeched like a banshee in approval.

Leorio hopped up onto the stage.

“I would like to thank everyone for voting for me, though it comes as no surprise because I am so completely and absolutely awesome. But most of all i would like to thank Kurapika for supporting me and also because they were in the sex tape too and everything haha. I’ve gotten so much money donated to my patreon that I will never need to be paid again. In fact it even covers the money needed for my divorce settlement. Speaking of which shoutout to cheadle haha.”

Everyone clapped and whooped again. Some people were puking from excitement. Oprah was puking from the amount of wine she had consumed.

“WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!” Scarjo yelled, silencing the sound of flesh slapping. “I DESERVE THAT OSCAR! NOT THAT STUPID GAY! HRRHAGRGH *HOMOPHOBIA*”


Scarjo jumped out of her seat and charged at Leorio. Before anyone could react, Kurapika tore off their poncho and slapped their bare ass, sending an intense and erotic shockwave that tore through the room. It sent Scarjo flying into the wall, and broke several people’s eardrums, including the Man in the Fursuit. Scarjo’s lungs immediately collapsed.

Everyone clapped and whooped once more.

Vic Mignonga approached Kurapika. “Kurapika, that was truly an epic gamer moment. By doing that I now crown you as King of the Oscars. Congratulations--”

Kurapika grabbed Vic by the throat and put him inside of the concrete walls, forever sealing him inside. Once again, everyone clapped and--

“SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU DISTURBING LITTLE CRETINS.” Kurapika yelled, taking the microphone from Leorio. “As King of the Oscars, I hereby designate the Oscars as a GAY ONLY EVENT! ALL HETEROS LEAVE! EXCEPT FOR GUILLERMO BECAUSE I REALLY LIKED THE SHAPE OF WATER!”

Immediately all of the straights scrambled out of their chairs, sprinting out of the building on pure survival instinct.

Leorio and Kurapika looked into each others eyes.

“You know you’ve been very self involved about this whole thing :/“ Kurapika huffed.

“I know… i was just caught up in the fame you know…. the thrill of it all…” Leorio sighed

“haha yes but youre sexy as all hell still so uhh lets fuck hehe” Kurapika giggled

They then consummated their love on the stage while all the remaining gays watched absent mindedly. That day a second sex tape was uploaded. It won a Golden Globe and an Emmy

However, in the distance, the Man In The Fursuit was very mad. Grrrrr. His ear hurts. He took off fursuit to reveal his true face: William Shitner.

dun dun dun


Kurapika: its... wait how do we do this again?
Leorio: idk I’m gay and in love with you
Kurapika: awww ;))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) i’m gonna squeeze your big big muscles now ;)

Chapter Text

Hello I'm going to tell you who is th best out of the four most popular men in hxh.
And Leorio.

Spoiler alert leorio is the best

1st category: personality

Everyone (read: you stupid yaoi whores) think that chrollo is oh so charismatic. But he is not he's dumb like you if you like him. All he does is kill people and be homophobic. He's dumb why would you like him. I hate you. Chrollo probably thinks using hair gel is a personality trait. He gets a 1/10 for personality.

Illumi is a little shit. He probably doesn't shower. He probably hasn't done his laundry in 5 years because hes too busy being a shithole brother. He likes uwuwuuu I care about killua so much i’m gonna stick a needle in his head and abuse his sister XD oh man i’m such a good brother. And he likes clowns. 1/10

Hisoka: is a pedophile. -10/10

Leorio is not only kind and caring and great all around but hes also great and I love him. How could one not love a himbo doctor hes so great. I bet he would feed a dying bee sugar water and sing it lullabies and slowly release it into the wild whilst birds gently chirp around him. He like the bob ross of doctors. Goddamn it i wish i was his pet squirrel. 11/10.

2nd category: goals

Chrollo says hes killing people to find out who he is inside. Bitch excuse me. Go meditate or something you don't need to kill people to do self discovery. -2/10

Illumi: wants to fuck a clown. Bad -3/10

Hisoka: he has contributed nothing good to the story

Leorio is not only physically hot but his mind is also sexy. I would go sapiosexual for him. He wants to be a doctor and provide free health care for everyone. Hes basically anime Bernie Sanders. What is a better goal than something that helps the whole community? There is nothing. He is perfect. 700/10

Final category: looks

Chrollo looks like that greasy man who thinks hes an intellectual because he watches rick and morty. His forehead cross probably ismt even a real tattoo its just sharpie. He looks ugly af eith his hair pushed back its disgusting. Who the fuck wesrs a big coat but no shirt. Put a shirt on you stupid bitch. -10/10

Ok i dont care about illumi and hisoka I want to talk about leorio now

Have you fucking seen leorio he is a hunk. His abs are massive. They are rock hard. His pecs are huge because they are full of love. He has so many muscles because he respects women so much. His dick is massive, absolutly ginormous. What more do i have to say. He is the perfect man all he needs is to be shirtless more often and it would be evem better. 10000000000/10


In conclusion. Leorio is the best hxh man.



Also watch promare

Chapter Text

LEORIO: Every night you two have the best sex. He absolutely obliterates you with his dick, however, afterwards he always spend like three hours in the bathroom. Is he jacking off or something? You can never figure it out, but one day you hear him crying “why did you leave me kurapika.” then one day he leaves (not before leaving you a massive check) and you don’t see him again until 3 years later where he married to some guy you can only assume is kurapika and also is a doctor now. 

KURAPIKA: You meet at an alcohol anonymous meeting except they’re not there because they’re an alcoholic they’re there because there's no revenge obsessed twink anonymous meeting and also they’re so incredibly bored. You decide to try asking them out and they take you to a waffle house for dinner, orders just one glass of room temperature water, and pays the server a tip of 500,000 cens. That night as you are walking home they turn a corner, and you two are greeted by a swarm of rats. The rats carry them into the night and you never see them again. 

MELODY: ❤️❤️❤️ once i think of something i will put it in hehe ❤️❤️❤️

MITO: she starts dating you solely because she needs a babysitter and after gon grows up she dumps you

PONZU: you would date ponzu for a a year months and she would only want to have sex with you if you were both high on ayuhausca. you have an amicable break up and you still hang out with her sometimes because you want free honey

BISKY: you and bisky have a sexless relationship where she tells you what to do in your everyday life and calls the police on you for smoking weed. she eventually dumps you for slacking on your workout regimen 

ZEPILE: you meet zepile at an art camp and he’s a snob who is super insecure and won’t stop shitting on your art but you end up dating anyway. when you start dating each other he still won’t stop crying about his ex and while you’re pegging him he calls you leorio

TONPA: you and tonpa get married even tho you hate him and he is always asking you to make him sandwiches. you give birth to a baby girl named Tampay but you never actually had sex with Tonpa you used a turkey basin 

NETERO: right after he penetrates you he overdoses on viagra and you have to call 911. while in the hospital waiting room you talk to his wife and children. they seem nice

BEANS: you are happily married. one day an owl grabs him and carries him away & you find his bones in owl pellets. you completely forget he existed 2 days later

PARISTON: you have a one night stand with pariston. he takes off his suit to reveal another suit. halfway through sex he gets a phone call and leaves to take it. he drives away and comes back an hour later. “sorry that was ging. it was a booty call. im ready now though.” 

GING: you meet thru an ad in the paper asking for sex. he wont have sex with you unless he wears a condom, youre on birth control and you also have an IUD. “not making THAT mistake again” he laughs. if you’re a man he says “oh, no. im straight, Y/N. i just fuck men cause they cant get pregnant.”

SHIZUKU: she takes you to church one day and then while you’re taking communion she leaves. you never see her again. half a year later she interrupts you while you’re on a date with someone else and claims you are cheating on her despite the fact she’s been ghosting you for 6 months 

PHINKS: you have a one night stand with phinks where his hair gel gets all over your body and it’s really gross. he wears a gucci condom and Biggie Smalls is playing the entire time. he tries rapping along mid coitus but keeps fucking it up

SHALNARK: shalnark asks you out by admitting he needs a rebound after his ex dumped him and that he thinks you have a nice ass, for some reason you reluctantly agree to go on a date with him. he shows up late at your house and picks you up in a stolen party bus that he crashes into an old folks home, killing your grandmother. he gives you a half-assed apology and then says he thinks he isn’t ready for a relationship and leaves just as the EMTs arrive. 

MERUEM: you have a long term relationship with meruem where you have to show him how to do normal human tasks all the time. he accidentally breaks your game cube & you say its ok but he doesn’t believe you and you get in a fight. most of the time he responds to you with one word answers and whenever you cuddle he just stares into space. you break up with him when he gets drunk at your aunt’s wedding and admits he broke the game cube on purpose 

POUF: he keeps saying stuff like “i can’t believe i’m having sex with you this is so beneath me you are an ugly peasant” during sex and then afterwards he orders you to leave after threatening you with blackmail if you ever tell anyone you had sex. you steal his expensive gay shampoo and leave. a week later you find each other on grindr and do it again 

PITOU: he asks you to start treating him like a cat. at first it’s kinda funny and cute but then he won’t go back to normal and even when you scream at him to become normal he just licks his asshole and scratches you. one night you accidentally leave the door unlocked and he escapes. you put up missing cat posters throughout the neighborhood but he never returns 

YOUPI: he asks you on a “date” which just means you watch him workout while he has headphones in and listens to heavy metal. after that he shotguns 25 energy drinks in a row and you have sex for 8 hours straight. he doesn’t say a single word to you the entire time 

CHEADLE: You meet Cheadle at a meeting. She seems really uptight, but you take her on a date anyways because you like uptight girls and also you’re kind of desperate. The entire night all she talks about is her doctor job and also complains about her gay coworkers and their weird yearning shit. Two months later you have moved in with her and also you’re married congrats. 

PYON: you and rabbit girl would date for about a month before she starts hinting that she has really weird kinks. one day she shows you her underground dominatrix cellar and you break up with her. you have to awkwardly stay and comfort her on her sex swing for 2 hours and then you never speak again

CLUCK: you and cluck would meet when she mistakes you for an orphan at a cocktail party you snuck into. you date for a week and then she breaks up with you because she is straight. alternatively you date for many years but she turns down your marriage proposal because your ring didn’t cost 6 figures 

UVOGIN: absolutely obliterates you with his dick but not like in a good way like leorio. You die of EVS (exploding vagina syndrome)

CHROLLO: Chrollo catcalls you on the street at 2 pm in the afternoon, suddenly a weird blonde twink comes falling out of the sky and kills him instantly.

Chapter Text