Wei Wuxian had never once expected that he would die young. And a virgin, mustn't forget that fact. He had believed that he would die in old age with his faceless wife holding his wrinkled hands and surrounded by an army of cute grandchildren, money-hungry relatives and bitter children. Or he would just die drowning in a pool of chocolate dip complete with strawberries and marshmallows. Or one of these days his dubious inventions would turn on him ala Skynet and screwed with his mind until he died. For some reason Jiang Cheng believed that the last would be the most probable scenario of the three.
What he didn't expect was that he would die with the face of a ruthless serial killer who had a fetish for blood and the screams of dying victims grinning before him.
You might want to know what happened before this moment. Well, everything started six months ago after his parents decided to go into their fourthy-sixth honeymoon to the Bahamas and dropped him on the doorsteps of their bestfriends in a quiet and idyllic town of Yunmeng. He didn't really hate Yunmeng and the Jiangs; Yunmeng was a beautiful town where he remembered spending several summers in and the Jiangs were all nice and accommodating, despite the fact that one look at Yu Ziyuan's stern purple eyes made him want to drop to his knees, beg for mercy and call her Madam Yu. But he seemed to have hit the starting days of his really, really late rebellious emo phase that made him want to stay inside his room all day, listen to heavy metal and angst about being abandoned in an old town by his frequently absent parents. It was never possible to be too old to become emo, he realized while he screaming with Led Zeppelin.
Well, until the third day when Madam Yu decided to stop tolerating his emo ass and dragged him out of his room by his ankle, causing him many bumps and bruises all over his body and for Jiang Cheng to fall over his chair laughing his ass off.
And without further ado he was pushed out of the door of the Jiangs' three-story mansion with a red-faced and coughing Jiang Cheng and was told to not return until dinner. Yunmeng was still the same as it had been in his childhood and it wasn't long before Wei Wuxian decided to ditch Jiang Cheng to look for a quiet, private place away from everyone because he hated people, hated them. Ugh.
And that was when he met his incredibly hot , gorgeous mouthwatering future husband whose toned body and steel-hard six packs made his knees weak and dreaming of hot chocolate dip and strawberries.
He met the stranger quietly swimming in the river outside the town, naked from head to waist. Wei Wuxian had stood, silver-grey eyes wide with shock and whole body thrumming with lust and hormones.
The stranger had looked divine under the rays of the sun with droplets of water running down his toned skin rippling with lean muscles that he had the sudden urge to lick to see if those tasted like dark chocolate. Long dark wet hair fell to the small of his back and Wei Wuxina itched to touch them, to feel if it was as soft as it looked.
That day, he met his fated person.
And also that day, his fated person almost impaled him with a sword. A sword?! This was the twenty-first century, not some Wuxia drama!
Wei Wuxian had yelped and quickly moved out of the sword's way and watched, horrified, as it embedded itself to a tree that stood behind him. He whipped his head towards the stranger who was fiercely glaring at him with a pair of honey-glazed orbs that shone otherworldly under the sun. Those eyes that made him forget his initial shock at almost being murdered by a semi-naked stranger, froze his brain and made him blurted out the first romantic line that his mind conjured:
"I want you inside of me."
He also realized three things in that day:
First, Lan Wangji was a vampire.
Second, there was a part of him that completely and absolutely wanted to be Lan Wangji's bitch.
And third, it would take more than a few bedroom eyes for the vampire to jump on his bed and— you know wink wink.
Lan Wangji, a handsome vampire that belonged to an ancient family that for some reason could survive under the sun ( they also don't sparkle under the sun, and Wei Wuxian was actually glad of that fact) and as cold as the winds of the north. Lan Wangji and his family lived in an old ancestral home outside of the town with his older brother, his older brother's best friends/sworn brothers/ hunting buddies/fuck buddies and a middle-aged cranky scholarly type uncle who only took one look on the purple highlight on Wei Wuxian's hair and his black mascara and immediately hated him at first sight. So unfair.
Lan Wangji was a challenge to befriend and it was even more of a challenge to get into his pristine white pants. But as his Uncle Jiang used to tell him and Jiang Cheng when both of them were still children: to attempt the impossible. And his horny ass followed the advice gleefully.
So he couldn't stop cackling and exclaiming "Victory!" when he finally had Lan Wangji on his lap, ears red and face hidden on his shoulder.
(The two of them were chased out of the Lan Mansion by uncle Lan after that.)
The Jiangs had taken the news that their guest haves started a relationship with a vampire of all things graciously. Nobody even batted an eyelash at the word vampire at all. It had been too good, too good in fact that he couldn't help but become suspicious at the end of dinner.
Until he found a secret room filled with BDSM-type of instruments and some weapons of torture. And what would someone do when he or she realized that his or her trusted adults were into kinky shits? And Jiang Cheng, a brother figure, too? Screamed and slumped on the wall of the sex chamber, traumatized.
"We're a family of vampire hunters," Jiang Cheng explained to him after he was led into his room by Jiang Fengmian. "We're not into, in your words, kinky shits. We used those weapons to hunt and kill the evil vampires. We didn't tell because frankly it's not your business."
"There's a whip," Wei Wuxian hissed, eyes haunted.
Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes. "It's Zidian. It's a vampire-hunting weapon that has been passed down on my mother's clan for generations. It is enchanted and purposely created to kill all types of vampires. Again, it is not and will never be used to kinky shits."
Wei Wuxian felt a sudden dread in his chest. "But Lan Zhan—"
"We won't hurt him or his family. My family and his family have a deal to protect Yunmeng and as long as they don't drink the blood of the innocents then we won't hunt them. So your boyfriend is safe."
After that somewhat traumatizing episode, everything returned to how it used to be. He would stay in Lan Wangji's house and room, spend time with him and make out with him until the two of them got chased out of the house by Lan Qiren. Again. The days were peaceful except for some reason Lan Wangji kept adamantly refusing to turn him into a vampire. Rude.
Until the Wens attacked. They were a family of ancient vampires just like the Lans but unlike Lan Wangji and his family the Wens have no qualms killing and drinking the blood of innocent people. And he didn't know why but it seemed that his blood was important for them. Wen Ruohan was an evil megalomaniac patriarch who seemed to have the hots for uncle which was eww, old men, Wen Xu was for some reason a literal robot that spoke more in binary than actual human language and Wen Chao was an irritating goblin-faced insect who smelled of roses, jasmines and cesspools that made his stomach turn.
Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan, in order to protect their charge, made an elaborate scene to get him out of under the Wens' noses. And like a good child, Wei Wuxian followed the plan to a T.
First, he screamed at Lan Wangji that he hated him, and almost cried and beg for forgiveness when he saw his boyfriend's sad puppy eyes. Second, he was immediately smuggled into the next town where he would spend the next few months hidden away from the Wens until that goddamned family grew tired of waiting for him or the Jiangs and Lans finished killing all of them. The plan was about to work, until Wei Wuxian got a call saying that the Wens have Jiang Yanli and that he have to return to Yunmeng in order to save her.
Of course, in normal circumstances, he wouldn't believe a shit that some stranger said to him on the phone but suddenly he got hit on the back of his head with a ball with only a single word in English written on it: "Idiot." So he took it as a sign from the heavens to go back to Yunmeng and face a family of blood-drinking monsters to save Jiang Yanli who was like the sibling that he never had! Well, probably Jiang Cheng, too.
But the moment he took a step on Yunmeng, he was ambushed by the obliviously evil Wen Chao who pushed his ugly face next to his and cackled: "You're an idiot, aren't you? I'm going to torture you until you screamed, Wei Wuxian~"
And that was the last thing he remembered before someone hit him on the back of his head and everything went black.
When he woke up, he found himself inside a hospital and was informed by a worried and cranky Jiang Cheng who have a bandage around his head that the Lans and Jiangs have declared a war against the Wens when they found out that they had him. Lan Wangji had fought bravely in order to save him from Wen Chao's grimy hands and at the end of their battle Wen Chao was turned into a dog food—wait, what? Lan Xichen's sworn brother also helped, killing/dismantling Wen Xu and decimating a large part of the Wens' forces.
Wen Ruohan had fallen under Madam Yu's Zidian and according to the rumors the dreaded patriarch of the Wen clan died with a blissful smile on his lips.
Lan Wangji and he were spending time in the same river where they first met. Wei Wuxian was sitting on Lan Wangji's lap with his vampire boyfriend's arms around him.
"Hey, Lan Zhan," he said after a beat," Let's stay together forever, okey?" He batted his eyelashes on him.
"So why don't you turn me in a vampire?"
"Wei Ying, vampires don't need human food to survive. You won't be able to eat lotus rib soup again."
"Oh." He smiled, mischievously. "But I can still eat Lan Zhan, right?" He winked.
He was rewarded with a blushing vampire."Wei Ying!!!"
Wei Wuxian laughed.
Basking in the arms of his beautiful, hot, as mouthwatering as chocolate-coated strawberries vampire boyfriend and making out with him was what Wei Wuxian, aka Wei Ying aka Dumbass In Love Extraordinaire expected to do for the rest of his life or undead life, if Lan Wangji just freaking stop hesitating and turn him into a vampire already!
"Wei Ying, I can't."
"Vampires can't eat lotus rib soup."
Surprisingly, the Lan family, the Jiang family and even his parents who were now both sightseeing in Paris for their fourthy-third honeymoon all weren't against the idea of him turning into a vampire. Only Lan Wangji was against it.
(Once, Wei Wuxian made a power point detailing and explaining the pros of him turning into a vampire and why Lan Wangji should bite his neck, drain his blood and turn him into a vampire and the benefits that came with it.
Lan Wangji took his shirt off and Wei Wuxian quickly became distracted.
Freaking six-packs. And freaking hormones. Ugh.)
So Wei Wuxian did was a teenager was supposed to do but not a fully grown adult, sulk and sigh.
And have he already told someone that he hated his birthday, yet? He hated it. Hated it with the fire and strength of a thousand hellfires and hated it as much as fake honey and vegetable burgers that enticed you with their alluring looks only to fool you when you get your mouth on them. He even hated it more when the Jiangs made a party for him, despised it when his parents sent him a bottle of his favorite French wine, loathed it when Jiang Yanli cooked all of his favorites, disliked it when Madam Yu and Jiang Fengmian gave him tickets to the upcoming Coldplay concert that he had been looking forward to and abhorred it when Jiang Cheng gave him vintage My Chemical Romance Cds that it must have taken him a month to find.
He really really hated his birthday. He wasn't even sure why. Maybe because the author wanted a Twilight parody and wanted him to be a Bella clone.
And to confirm his suspicion that birthdays loathed him back he got a paper cut, which in turn made Lan Wangji go into a Vampire equivalent of a midlife crisis so he decided to leave Yunmeng to find himself. And so he wouldn't be tempted to drain his blood, which what Wei Wuxian had been trying to make him do for six whole months now.
It broke his heart. Broke it so hard that he cried for three days straight, crying out "LAN ZHAANNNN!!!!" and breaking the eardrums of the people in the same house as him.
"Oh Pete's sakes!" Madam Yu exclaimed, exasperatedly. " I have enough of your sulking, young man! This must end now!" And proceeded to drag him out of his room by his ankle, pushed him out of the door and told him to make friends. Of all the things she could have asked of him, it had been be making friends. She'd always known that he hated people and now she wanted him to make friends? Talk about torture. And this was when he thought that she finally began to like him. Et tu, Madam Yu?
And it was a very very bad idea since it ended with him meeting Jin Zixuan, aka the proof that a peacock and a human could reproduce with each other. He was a grade A asshole, a jerk, the only proof you need to know that all expensive brands, especially Gucci, were the works of the devil. The only similarity that the two of them shared was the dislike of fake and artificial food. Every topic would always end up in heated arguments that culminated in a very long stare down which he always won. Take that, peacock!
And that guy even had the gall to make googly eyes with Jiang Yanli. How dared he. And Jiang Yanli seemed to be making googly eyes back at him. The heavens must have hated him.
He was in the middle of another angry heated staring contest with Jin Zixuan when suddenly Lan Jingyi, Lan Wangji's cousin, came rushing into their house. According to him Lan Wangji heard from somewhere that he had died after jumping off a cliff which didn't really happened, at all, and instead of mourning his death and playing Inquiry for thirteen years he decided to off himself by whatever method he could find in the the vast library of the Lan Mansion.
(Well, he had jumped off a cliff one night while he was drunk and after Jiang Cheng dared him. He fell on Jin Zixuan, who was on a date with Jiang Yanli because apparently inside the miniscule peacock brain of his it would be romantic to have a date at the foot of a cliff, saving his life and giving Jin Zixuan one hell of a headache.)
So he and Lan Jingyi rushed to the Lan Mansion and found out that Lan Xichen had managed to prevent his younger brother from committing suicide by stealing his sworn brother Meng Yao's magic mirror, asked it if Wei Wuxian would become a vampire in the near future and had stared and smiled creepily at it for three seconds straight before it answered with a shaky 'Yes.'
"Lan Zhan, I really really want to have sex with you right now! Take your clothes off!"
What a romantic reunion.
They ended up getting married three weeks later in a sweet garden wedding with only their families and friends invited. They had a honeymoon in a high-class hotel where they pretty much trashed and destroyed their room.
And he got pregnant.
"Vampires," Jiang Cheng said, deadpan.
"Magic," Lan Xichen explained, smiling creepily
"Don't ask again," Lan Qiren said, gaze haunted.
For the next nine months of his pregnancy he kept fainting, coughing blood and having hallucinations of pixie dusts and magical girls twirling over his head. He also became emotionally attached at the kid inside his womb and wanted to name it 'Cangseyuan' after his mom and Madam Yu. He ignored the possibility that his child might one day be bullied because of that name.
Lan Wangji looked completely disappointed when he heard the name. He just huffed and turned away. Nobody appreciated his awesome naming skills. Nobody.
He gave birth one stormy morning. It happened so fast. He was in the middle of having another intense argument with the peacock who was now engaged with Jiang Yanli about flat earthers and Doomsday conspiracies when he suddenly fainted.
When he woke up—owwwww...
He was giving birth in the natural way. Lan Wangji turned him into a vampire so he could give birth in the natural way.
"Why didn't you just become a good husband and tear my stomach open with your teeth—oooowwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!"
The familiar spicy scent of sandalwood was what Wei Wuxian became aware of first the moment he woke up. Seeking more of it and the soothing warmth of the man next to him, he scooted closer to Lan Wangji and wrapped his arms around his husband. "Lan Zhan," he murmured, lips next to the smooth jade cheeks of the Second Jade of Lan Clan and his most precious person.
"Wei Ying?" Lan Wangji murmured, sleepily. He opened his eyes and gazed at him with a confused expression, crunching his nose. So cute!
Wei Wuxian smiled and poked his husband's nose. "Lan Zhan, you won't believe the dream that I just had! In it you're a blood-drinking creature called a vampire and the Jiangs are called vampire hunters and—"
"Mn. Wei Ying, sleep," Lan Wangji said, pulling him into his chest. He kissed his forehead and Wei Wuxian closed his eyes, feeling a sweet warmth spreading inside his chest.
Maybe he could tell his husband about his dream later.