Following the ambulance because he wasn’t a family member, and waiting in the hospital for two hours was not how he planned on starting his day in the slightest.
“You ok?” Seonghwa always asked him that, and it annoyed him sometimes. Someone younger than him checking up on him like he was a kid who fell off his bike. He was a therapist. He had no choice but to suck it up and put on a smile.
“Yeah.” He looks up at him, teary eyes shadowing his smile of reassurance. Seonghwa seen through his lies anyway.” If he died, would it be my fault?”
“No, of course not, what? You tried to help him, babe. You’ve done your best, you’ve done all you could do.” The younger tries to reassure him, but Hongjoong was a storm that never ended. Constantly brewing up new clouds to rain over him. Always setting up inner turmoil within himself to kick the chair under his tier as a human being.
In his time working with San he’s seen a few pictures and videos of Wooyoung. San didn’t mind at all, flipping his phone over for cute pictures and explicit ones as well. He was slightly shorter, bottom heavy, dark hair and he worked out. He’s seen a trend in San’s type. He likes people who deny him.
Wooyoung is stubborn, chatty, ambitious and definitely didn’t give in to San’s antics at first. He set boundaries, made demands and expected things boyfriends would do for one another.
Wooyoung was allowed in, only him. He hasn’t seen any sign of a mother or father who look remotely like San. He assumes they wouldn’t come anyway with the way San expressed his dislike for them.
He doesn’t hate them, and he knows they don’t hate him. They just have a mutual agreement to not talk unless they have to.
The way San describes his mother and father is almost like a neglected child. He never got attention before he came out, and was ignored even more after. They didn’t believe the allegations of his cousin molesting him. They ignored him, and provided what they thought a kid needed.
Technology, food, and shelter. If he shut up, everyone was happy.
He doesn’t know how to link any of this to his current issues.
He wants attention, yes, that’s been established. He has mommy and daddy issues, primarily daddy issues, he’s suicidal as he’s seen, he’s depressed and doesn’t like being denied what he wanted. His mother was a little lighter on him though. She gave him whatever phone he asked for and whatever new game he wanted to play. Any clothes he wished for and shoes he wanted to show off.
“I can hear you thinking.” Seonghwa mumbles. Hongjoong was hunched over like a mad scientist, hands clasped together and supporting his head as he thought.
“It’s me. He did this because of me.” He leans back and away from Seonghwa’s touch. He raises a brow, turning to look at him with a look lacking understanding."He did this for me.”
“That’s a possibility. He did it in your office, but it could be for anyone.” Hongjoong can argue that Seonghwa is smarter than him.” I can’t really ask you what his problem is.”
“No, he did this because I’m helping him. I’m establishing some sort of order in his life, I’m giving him ‘love’ he can’t have, showing him authority his parents didn’t. I listened to him, I didn’t judge him, I guided him to with yeses and no’s, dos and dont’s, like a child.”
“He sees you as a father?” Seonghwa rubs his thighs, looking around the suspiciously vacant waiting room.
“The other day, I told him if he doesn’t want my help he should stop seeing me. He invested his time in me and I did what his parents did, I pushed him away instead of trying to fix his issue, Seonghwa.” Hongjoong tried to convey, hands moving in the air like he’s pulling together pieces of fabric.
“That’s a theory. You can’t take the blame for everything. You tried, Hongjoong.” Seonghwa furrows his brows as Hongjoong is being brought to tears once again in this lifeless waiting room.
“I was the only therapist that slept with him.” He snaps.” I didn’t judge his antics, sometimes I gave in. I let him be vulnerable. I’m the only one who’s seen him break down and cry like a lost child. He’s hungry for love and he wanted that from Wooyoung.”
“And I assume Wooyoung is giving him that.”
“Something happened between them. Whenever I mentioned him he got- “ he stops himself, his head cradled into his hands.” I probably know him better than his parents. He’s told me things they’ve never seen. Things that exist and he didn’t feel comfortable telling them, but he trusted me.” He grips his hair, pulling and tugging at the strands as the nurses flood through with a new patient talking about heart palpitations.
“I can’t even do my fucking job, Seonghwa. I can’t cure his addiction. I can’t stop his pain.” He sobs into his palms.” I can’t..”
“Maybe you’re not meant to. His pain is from his family. He’s suffering because of his family.” Seonghwa explains. Concern is written over his face, though Hongjoomg can’t look at him. He feels more tears spilling over his eyes just as he relaxed.
“I want to help.” He lifts his head to have his hands replaced by Seonghwa’s soft kisses planted over his face and held against his chest until his breathing evened out.
“I’ll stay with you until you’re able to see him.” He runs his fingers through his hair, early caressing his scalp and driving a pleasurable shiver up his spine. He knew how to calm him down.” You need to take care of yourself. You can’t handle everyones problems and have a plethora of your own.”
“I’ll just come back later. In the morning I just really...Is it wrong for me to leave?” Seonghwa considers his question, but he doesn’t answer it. He doesn’t know. It’s not for him to answer anyway, Hongjoong just needs some tea, dramas , and a lot I’d reassurance.
”You’ll drive yourself crazy...” he stands and leaves his hand out for Hongjoong to take.” I’ll bring you back tomorrow as well. Just let me help you relax.”
“If Wooyoung gave him what he wanted, why is he investing his want in me?"