White room. White curtain. White floor. White bed. The lights coming into the white room from the white framed window. White cloth. White bundle. The room was silence. The air was slightly cold. The little life in his arms was sleeping without a worry despite of moments ago he was screaming on top of his lung. So loud and intense as if he refused to be born. But he was quite now. He was warm in the arms.
Lancelot was far from ready to be a father. He was not ready to hold his son in his arms. Galahad was so small and fragile. Lancelot was very afraid that he hold the little baby with his whole life. But he wasn’t ready for this.
This child was born, no, this child fell into this world, like he was. Life was not a blessing. This was a curse. Hell.
Upon looking to his child, there was only one sentence inside his head.
I’m sorry for bringing you into this world. I know you will hate this place.
Stupidity was a blessing for the people born with it. Life was nothing but pain. There was no saving once we fell into this world. No scream could save us. No answer would be given.
Lancelot hold the bundle on his chest. He didn’t stop looking. He was happy that his son didn’t look much like him. He didn’t got his hair or eyes. Lancelot hoped Galahad didn’t got any part of his. Lancelot didn’t want his son to inherit anything from him.
Because he had a demon inside him. A shadow that would always cover his eyes.
Lancelot was a man with many faults. He went to bed every night with loneliness. He was depraved. He was not a good person. He was full of holes. Full of mistakes. He liked to sleep around because he of that. At least when he had someone in his bed, he could forget his loneliness for a short moment. He wanted to be spared of this endless night. He was in a very long and empty journey.
He could not love this world.
He didn’t want this child to be like him. He didn’t want Galahad to harbor a demon like him. He didn’t this life to embrace loneliness and despair as he slept.
Lancelot wasn’t ready to be a father. He knew he would be a very bad one. He didn’t had anything to teach. But he promised that day, I will never leave you alone when you need help.
The baby let out a small noise of yawn. He slowly opened his eyes and looked straight to his father. That moment, Lancelot felt like he was stripped from his layers of masks. Those eyes looked into him directly. That small noise, Lancelot was sure that that day, he heard his salvation.
This baby was his most precious, most important thing for him.
“Heh... you don’t look like me...” Lancelot let out a small laugh as he speak to the baby. “Don’t grow up to be someone like me, okay?”
Lancelot didn’t know how to raise him. He had no idea at all. All he know was this was his whole life. He had to give everything for him.
He had always thought, this life was just about losing. To bleed. But just this, he didn’t want to lose.
For his whole life, he had been covered with shadow. He had no way to save himself. No matter what answers he got for his answers, he was never satisfied. No tomorrow was bright enough for him. He had been living his whole life thinking he could simply disappear the next day. But now, he couldn’t just do that. Not with this baby in arms, now returned back to sleep, fully trusting and safe in his father’s protection.
He could no longer blame the acursed world anymore.
He could no longer disappear. He could no longer give everything up. He had to shoulder this weight. He couldn’t let this son to fell into the same shadows as him. Even if he had to lose everything for that, he had to save this child. He didn’t want Galahad to hate the world and fell into despair like he did. He didn’t want him to feel tired with living. He didn’t want him to seek one nights to soothe his loneliness. He didn’t want his son to be like him. Please don’t be like me.
He could not love the world, but he could love this child.
That day, Lancelot shed a drop of tear. Just one drop. Nobody saw it. It was always him alone. Nobody had ever seen his tears. The shadows were not there. This child was the only thing he could see without the darkness.
I’m a bad father. I will be a very bad father and you will hate me. I know that much.
But I’m glad you turned out just fine...
I wish one day you will forgive me.