Chapter 1: 1
It started out simply enough, doing a couple lines every now and then. To feel good, sure, but mostly to get my Ancient Runes homework done.
Then I started craving it and cut myself off. Simple.
But the stuff I used to come down, the pot, well, I love the shit. My anxiety levels come down from through the roof, I quit craving the blade, and everything’s just better. Less shit.
But then I started running out of spending money. Mum and dad certainly weren’t sending much my way, and winning bets wasn’t as easy as I made it seem.
By the time I needed weed that bad, I was in second year. Hadn’t started the coke yet, of course. The bloke I traded cash and favors for it was now a sixth year, and I asked him if he wanted distribution help. He laughed, and said he doubted a twelve year old could help him.
“Dude, I’m almost 13! Literally five days!”
He laughed again. “Alright, mate. I’ll pay you in grass.”
“That’s all I want anyways.”
“Yeah. I know.”
It was the night before the full moon, and I made a quick shortcut to Honeydukes run.
“Hey, Remus. I got you some chocolate.”
“Huh? Oh, thanks, Siri.”
I sat down on his bed, resisting the urge to kiss his forehead.
We sat there for ages, eating chocolate and me making him laugh. When it was time for bed, he grabbed my wrist as I went to stand. I closed my eyes, the boy’s light grip hurting. “Stay,” he said.
I obediently laid down beside him, resisting the urge to go up to the astronomy tower and bum cigarettes.
“Why do you do it?”
“Y’know. Cut yourself.”
“I’ve never seen you in short sleeves, and you panic every time someone walks in while you’re changing or showering. Or when someone touches you, especially near your, erm, wrists.”
“Yeah. Well. I don’t really know why I do it. Helps I guess.”
Remus yawned. “With what?”
Chapter 2: 2
If this is confusing, the previous chapter happened in second year and this one’s a MASSIVE timeskip to first full moon after christmas break fourth year. happy reading:)
That was two years ago. Remus has kept my secret so far, but he told me a couple days ago that it’s gonna have to change soon. But now, on the first full moon back from term break, I sit, anxiously waiting for dawn. I never can sleep when Remus is gone. It’s not like we sleep in the same bed often or anything, but still, knowing that he is here helps. I’ve thought a hundred times about grabbing the map and cloak, sneaking up to the Astronomy Tower for a smoke. I was about to get up and do it for the ninetieth time, when something told me cutting might help more. Sales have been pretty dry, and I’m, therefore, out of pot. Then, as if the cruel universe heard the sound of me nearly getting a release, James pulls back the curtain on my four post and says, “C’mon, Black. The sun’s up.”
Of course, I’m not in my bed. I’m sitting in the window.
“Oh God, Pete! We’ve lost him! How are we gonna tell Moony?”
“Ugh, Potter. He’s right here.”
“Yeah, Potter. ‘He’s’ right here.”
“Oh, thank Merlin. Don’t know what I’d’ve done if I had to tell Moony you weren’t with us because you were smoking. Or showering or whatever. I’m convinced you’ve got dirty mags hidden in that bathroom, mate. You spend so much time in there.”
“Alright, whatever. I don’t care what ridiculous theories you have, Flea.”
“Don’t call me that. Son of a bitch are your initials, if you forgot.”
“Oy, fuck off. It’s true, after all.”
“Guys! Are we going to the hospital wing, or-?”
“Yeah, yeah. This is about Moony. Not Potter’s ridiculous theories.”
“Get dressed, lads.”
“I’ve been dressed since four, dear.”
“I didn’t sleep.”
“I don’t know. Anyways, are you like, four or what?”
“What do you mean?”
“Just that you’re awfully inquisitive today.”
“Ah, yeah. Just worried about you, Sirius.”
“Whatever you say.”
James grabs a couple chocolates out of Remus’ drawer of them and shoving them in his bag, and we all file down the stairs, through the common room, and into the corridors.
We walk calmly and silently through the halls, Peter and James sharing worried glances they think I don’t notice as I walk ahead of them, ferociously biting my nails. Well, nail beds.
I’m not sure why everyone is suddenly so worried about me. I just hope Remus didn’t tell them about my little habit.
That’d be just what I needed. Word to get out that the Black family black sheep is also a fucking depressed cutter. But I mean, if it wasn’t for what would happen when I went home, I don’t think I’d care who knew. It’s cathartic as hell, man.
I’m so lost in thought I walk straight past the hospital wing, which leaves James and Peter even more worried, I’m sure. I turn around, laugh lightly, and follow the boys into the spacious room.
“Oy, there you guys are! I’ve been back for half an hour.”
“Don’t blame me,” I say, smiling. “I’ve been ready since four.”
“Oh, Sir,” Remus looks at my eyes, but I have a feeling it has more to do with the bags than the eyes themselves. “I really wish you’d stop fucking yourself over for my sake.”
A pang hit my chest. “Re, it’s okay. I couldn’t sleep anyways. Not like I set an alarm.”
“Didn’t your phone break over the Christmas break anyways?”
Another pang. My lovely mother found the (very nice) iPhone in question and broke it. She also tried to break my bones, for bringing such muggle rubbish into the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. “Yeah. It was a boring night.”
“We really need to get Mum to send the XBox 360. We got a One over break anyways, and you’d love Minecraft.”
“I think at the moment I’d love some loud even more, you feel me?”
“I’m with you there. Wanna smoke tonight?”
“Can’t. Supplies out. And sales aren’t doing well enough for Chastyn to spare me any product.”
“Fuck, man. Well, we do always have the placing bets option…”
“Buying from my business partner feels, I don’t know… Unprofessional.”
“Your ‘business partner’ sells mary jane to eleven year olds, and got you doing coke by twelve.”
“Hey, I stopped doing it.”
“Guys. Pete’s trying to say something.”
“Oh, sorry, mate, what is it?”
“Mum made me do chores over break. I made 30 Galleons doing that bullshit.”
“Yeah, but there’s still no one to buy from except fucking Chastyn.”
“Yeah, except, well, I kind of, like, already bought it. And upsold. That’s how I ended up with 30 entire Galleons worth, and I’m not talking at 5 pound a gram prices. I’m talking, like, ounce prices.”
“How much did she give you?”
“Mate, you deciplied your money! Holy shit! You can’t sell here though. Not until Chastyn’s gone. Please tell me you got a few different strains.”
“Half zip Kush, half zip sativa non-hybrid, half zip sativa hybrid, half zip indica. You know. Cause darling Siri isn’t a fan of non medicated sleep.”
“Damn straight Pete! You’re bloody brilliant.”
We’re all grinning at the bloody miracle that our dear little Peter Pettigrew has apparently become, when Madam Pomfrey returns.
“Good morning, gentlemen.”
“Good morning, Madam Pomfrey.”
“Oh, James brought you some chocolate Rem,” I say absentmindedly. Then I notice Madam Pomfrey’s stare. It is directed at my sleeve covered forearm. “Uh, hi.”
“Sirius, could I speak to you for a moment?”
“Of course.” I follow her to her office area. “What’s up?” I worry my lip between my teeth as I wait for a response.
“I just wanted to let you know that if you ever need to talk, about anything at all, I’m here. I offer mental health services as well as physical, and-”
“I have no clue why you think I would need that. Besides, I doubt my mother would sign the permission slip on that one.”
“There is no permission slip. Your brother’s been coming to talk some, Sirius. I know what it’s like in your home. Cold and demanding. I have a hunch it’s more than cold and demanding, especially for you. Now, you can keep smoking ‘loud’- how do you kids come up with this shit, anyways?- and cutting yourself-” I open my mouth to protest, but she puts up a finger. “I knew even before Mr. Lupin told me, so don’t lie and don’t be angry with him. Where was I? Oh, right. You can keep placating your depression cycle with drugs and self injury if you’d like, but that’s never going to be a permanent solution, until you arrive at the door of the most horrible permanent solution possible.”
“Dropping out and being a muggle male stripper.”
“If that would fulfill you and end your depression, I’m all for it. Do not hesitate to reach out if your non suicidal self injury becomes attached to suicidal thoughts. Please, Sirius. I’m putting a lot on the line, not reporting any of what Remus shared and what I overheard to Professor Dumbledore. Don’t make me regret it.”
“Why aren’t you reporting me?”
“He is even more obligated than I to tell your parents, and that hunch I mentioned is pretty strong. I’ll see you tomorrow at two, Sirius. Here’s my cell number.”
“Android or iPhone?”
“I don’t do green texts.”
“Android. Learn to do them, if you ever need. Or call. I’ll be right here.”
“Okay,” I find myself saying, to my surprise. I tuck the card she handed me into the back pocket of my jeans, and go sit with the boys, claiming she just wanted to tell me off for something or other, I wasn’t sure, I tuned her out. “How was the moon, Moony?”
“Oh, y’know. Full. Disrespectful of my habit of sleeping.”
“Yeah,” I say, smiling sadly at the boy in front of me.
“Well, off to breakfast with you lot! Remus, do you feel well enough to go?”
“Yeah, I need to get back to classes anyways.”
“That’s not what I asked you.”
“This moon was certainly milder than most. I should be alright. Thanks, Poppy.”
“No issue whatsoever, my dear boy.”
I find myself wishing Remus’ hand would find mine as we walk to the Great Hall for breakfast. I get into a depressive loop in my head, and dip into a bathroom, telling the boys I’ll be down in a minute.
I dig in my bag, trying desperately to find my blade case. Just need out of the depressive loop. I’m so fucking locked on this one thought and the case falls and I hear footsteps and I see Moony’s shoes under the stall door and he leans over, picks up the case, realizes and says “Sirius, please. Can’t you try talking to me?”
“Give them back.”
“No. If you still need them after we talk, I will. But I’m gonna hold on to them, whenever we’re not talking and you’re not cutting. You understand?”
“Remus, please! It’s the only thing that helps besides grass and I can’t be stoned all the fucking time.”
“You know, Remus, I have something stronger than all those Adderall pills you keep bumming.”
“Yeah. Way I see it, we both have a vice. I can get you something to keep you up.”
“Yeah. Just give the blades back.”
“How about this? I’ll pay you for the cocaine- I assume you aren’t planning on making me tweak- and I’ll give them back after we talk three times and I get an 8-ball.”
“You swear you’re gonna keep up your end of the bargain?”
“Alright.” I unlock the stall door, and go to leave the bathroom. Remus follows me, confused when I turn right.
“Uh, Great Hall’s that way.”
“Yeah. You want blow, or what?”
“Oh. Right. Okay. I’ll see you in class?”
I’m fifteen years old and I’m selling my heterosexual best mate that I’m in love with blow to get back my non suicidal self injury tools. What an ass I must be.
Chapter 3: 3
I realize suddenly that I don’t have the money to buy Rem blow in the first place. I sigh, and turn and walk to the Great Hall. I don’t spend a lot of time in here; complain of the prior night’s munchies keeping me full, pretend to sneak to the kitchens before lunch. I do eat dinner usually. But for the first two meals I try to avoid it, preferring to be hungry. On edge. It’s not as though I’m not used to it. Mum and Dad are always sending me or Reg or both of us away without food at home. This is neither here nor there, but I definitely don’t feel like I have an eating disorder. I mean sure, I sometimes look at thinspo and skip a couple meals a day, but realistically, I do not have an eating disorder. I can tell I’m not fat when I look at myself. I just like to be in control.
I find the guys in the Great Hall, James trying to look cool in front of Evans and, as usual, failing. I’m not into girls- well, I don’t know. I can appreciate beauty in women. But I really just like Remus. God, no one can ever know that. Either way, I don’t think being a twat is a good way to get girls. Even I can see the female race isn’t into twattery.
I sigh and sit down, telling James to knock it off.
“What’s up your arse today?”
“Nothing. Just in a bad mood.”
“Well, fix your attitude then. It’s a beautiful day filled with beautiful women.”
“Whatever you say, Jem.”
“Is that the right attitude for someone who’s post contained a gift for you?”
“I wrote Mum and Dad about your phone. Here.”
I am handed an iPhone XR box.
“You’re on the family plan to stay, mate. Just, don’t take it home this summer, alright?”
“I can’t take another phone from them. They do too much for me.”
“It’s our pleasure, Black.”
I see no way out of taking the phone, so I begin unpackaging it. Bellatrix, is, of course, walking past, and cackles loudly.
“Got some more muggle trash Siri? No matter. You’re a Black underneath. Your mother will take care of you soon enough.”
“Don’t you have anything better to do, Trixi? That’s T-R-I-X-I, just so you know. For your conceited whore ass.”
Not my best or most feminist line, but it does the trick. “Why you little-”
“Fuck off, Trix.”
Evans laughs. “Whatever could the little mudblood be laughing about? Someone needs to teach you your place.”
Both James and I rise in our seats, to which Lily says, “Boys, I can take care of myself. It’s just, well, he called you Trix. Trix are for kids, and you seem so much more the type for a man twice your age.”
“You little-” Bellatrix lunges, and Lily calmly moves to the left, so that her grip lands on a plate of eggs, which she, incidentally, falls into due to the momentum of her movement.
“Well, Trix, looks like you got some egg on your face!” I yell after her, as she storms out of the Great Hall. “Evans, that was amazing! I fuck with you so hard right now.”
She grins. “I fuck with you too, sometimes, Black. Now why don’t you eat something.”
“Nah, I’m not hungry.”
“Why do you only ever show up to dinner?”
I shrug and laugh. “Slow digestion or whatever, I guess. I’m only hungry once a day, or when I-”
“When you what, Mr. Black?” McGonagall has appeared by us.
“Read the Bible, praise the good Lord, and worship Him above all else. Hallelujah amen.”
She smiles, and says “Of course. Worshipping does leave one rather hungry. Maybe you should do it more often, be a beacon and example. And put some meat on those bones. Now, why on earth was Ms. Black over here?”
“We’re not sure, but she started getting into it and called Lily, well-” James is interrupted.
“She called me a mudblood.”
“Oh, dear. I’ll have to let Slughorn know. Anyways, very good of you all to not let her provoke you.”
“Sirius, I still expect respect when I- oh, goodness. Why is there music?”
“No matter, you were saying?”
“I expect respect-” Aretha Franklin’s hit gets louder. “Sirius Black! What, exactly, did you charm to play this song when I say respect?”
“Well. Is it just this hat?”
“I’ve never seen you in another, Professor.”
“Very well. 10 points from Gryffindor for insolence. 5 for figuring out how to do it, though. That is some advanced magic, especially to be performing in a classroom without my noticing. You’re a bright young man, Sirius.”
I smile at her. “Just need to learn some respect.” The song grows louder yet again.
She smiles back, and walks calmly out of the hall, presumably to get a different hat.
“Brilliant work, Black! When did you do that?”
“Detention, when she walked out of the room.”
“Genius!” James and I high five.
“Too bad his genius is carried out in detention. Really, you lot could do so much better if you’d just fucking try.”
“Whatever you say, McKnickers.”
Marlene just rolls her eyes and smiles at me. “I just care about you and want you to do the best you can.”
I laugh and lean back. “Yes ma’am, well, I can assure you I am.”
She looks at my eyes. My heart skips a beat. “Marlene, do you wanna start hanging out more often?”
“Like, in what context?”
“The boy and girl hanging out kind.”
She raises her eyebrows. “That does not answer the question.”
“Sirius, are you asking Marlene out?” I nod to Lily. “Marlene, would you like that?” She nods. “Well then, that’s settled.”
“I suppose so.”
Marlene and I text from across classrooms all morning.
Then Remus Snaps me. “Hey. Do u need money before u can get the stuff?”
“Okay. I’ve got 20 Galleons. Is that enough?”
“yeah that’s exactly how much it is.”
“Cool. Meet me in the dorm during break?”
“yeah, then i can get it during lunch.”
I slide out of the conversation, reply to Marlene, and get another text from Remus.
“Why don’t you eat?”
“rem, we’ve been over this. werewolves don’t curse.”
“Yeah, yeah. Werewolf not swearwolf or whatever. It’s still bullshit.”
“i don’t eat because i’m used to not eating.”
“mum has a temper and i’m myself. she sends me to bed hungry a lot. i just don’t wanna get used to eatin-” Professor Slughorn’s hand is held out in front of me. I begin to backspace and he snatches it. Shit.
Mum’s gonna kill me.
“Please Professor. You can’t write my parents. I’ll never text in class again.”
I’m just lucky I’d slid out of the conversation, deleting the drug evidence.
“Mr. Black- Sirius, please calm down. I’m going to let your head of house make that decision. With all relevant information. Here’s your phone. Go see Professor McGonagall, please. She’s waiting.”
“Professor McGonagall, I’m really sorry, I-”
“Have a biscuit.”
“I’m fine, thank you.”
“May I see your texts with Mr. Lupin?”
“If they’re still pulled up, sure. They go away on-”
“Snapchat, of course.”
I show her. She reads quickly, thankfully, from “Why don’t you eat?” on.
“You know, making your kids regularly go hungry is bad for their brain development.”
“I’m alright. Just a tad insolent for the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black.”
“That’s- well. If it’s easier for you to see it that way. Do you have a Tumblr account?”
“I’ve seen a lot of young people stop eating because of Tumblr.”
“Dinner and when you’re high doesn’t exactly count as valuable nutrition. Don’t respond to that. It’s rhetorical. You’re not in trouble, Sirius, but I do have to ask. Are your parents abusive?”
“Well, if you ever want to change your answer, I’m here. You may go.”
Remus catches up with me just outside of McGonagall’s office. “So?”
“So, they think my parents are fucking abusing me, and if my mother finds out, she’ll kill me. Thanks a lot, Rem.”
He follows me into a bathroom. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be prying. But why do they think your parents are abusing you?”
I hit send. He reads the Snapchat message. “Oh. Sirius, maybe your parents are abusing you.”
I slip the robes off my body and yank down the collar of the t shirt I have on underneath. “No shit.”
He stares at the bruise under my collar bone. “Sirius, I- I’m so sorry.”
“It’s fucking fine. I’m used to it.”
Lestrange walks out of a stall. “What? Poor little pretty boy can’t take a little discipline?”
“Precisely,” I snap, then yank the robes back onto my body. Apparently not fast enough, though.
“Oh, and he cuts himself, too. Don’t you know only girls do that? Only girls refuse to eat and cut their pretty little wrists and can’t take a blow from their mother without crying abuse. At least, only girls and fags. You may have asked Marlene McKinnon to go out with you today, but I can smell your queerness from a mile away.”
Remus pulls me from the bathroom and towards Gryffindor tower. Once we’re in the dorm room- alone, because dinner’s about to commence- he pulls me into his chest. I let out a sob, and he holds me by the shoulders, gently nudging me back and looking into my eyes. “He’s wrong, you know. Anyone can cut. And what your mother did was wrong. But you don’t have to be a girl or gay to cut yourself.”
“But he’s not wrong! I am! I am!”
“Yes! Or bi, or something. I don’t really know. I’ve only ever liked one person, and he, well. He’s a he.”
“What about Marlene?”
“I don’t know why I did that. I think she wanted me to.”
“Who’s the boy?”
I look at him, lost in his eyes for a moment, and let out another sob. He pulls me back into him. “I don’t want to sound conceited but-”
“Yeah. You’re completely right. It’s you.”
“Oh, God, Sirius…”
“Why are you sorry?”
“You’re straight and I’m your best mate and I don’t want you to be uncomfortable, and really, Remus, you can let go if you want. I mean, I’ll be alright. I just hope this doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”
“I think it might.”
“Wha- oh. Okay.” I back away from him.
“No, you idiot. Not like that. Why do you think I’m straight? You’re fucking ridiculous. You idiot. Learn to read tone of voice, goofball.”
“Wait- you- you’re not..?”
“No. I don’t know if I’m gay or bi either, ‘cause I’ve also only ever liked one person, and he’s a he, too.” He’s closing the distance between us. He’s leaning down. He’s kissing me. I’m kissing him. My hands are wrapped around the back of his neck. His hands are on my waist. We pull apart at some point, crashing back to Planet Earth.
“Just to be clear, I’m him, right?” I say, smiling.
Remus laughs. “Yes, you incorrigible dumbass.”
“Mmm, keep being nerdy while insulting me.”
“Anything for you, love.”
And we’re kissing again, and this time there’s tongue, and we’re really going at it, and he pulls me to his bed and we’re sitting, side by side, snogging, and someone opens the door, and then James and Pete are screaming and James yells “I owe Pete 5 Galleons now!”
“Ha! Told you, Potter.”
“Don’t make bets you can’t win, James,” I mumble against Remus’s lips, then we’re pulling apart. “Well, lads, I believe I have a lesbian to go break up with.”
“Why do you think she’s-”
“Just a hunch.”
I go down the stairs and look around for Marlene. “Hey, Black! You looking for McKinnon?”
“She’s upstairs. Do you need me to get her?”
“Yeah, please. If she’s not busy…”
“Yeah, alright. Are you okay, Sirius?”
Evans returns a few minutes later, Marlene in tow. “Hey, Sirius. What’s up?”
She starts laughing. “Congratulations! When did you figure this out?”
“Eh, mid first year, I guess.”
“Yeah, you may have been the last to know.”
“Shut up, McKnickers.”
“Yeah, yeah. At least I don’t lie to myself.”
“Mmm. So you knowingly decided to date a gay man when you know you’re-”
“A dyke? Yes, absolutely. Who else would date a flaming homosexual person of the opposite sex?”
“I don’t have a good answer for that.”
“Because there isn’t one. Anyways, who’s the lucky man?”
“I mean- I- I don’t know- I don’t know if we’re, like, telling people.”
She takes off, deadass sprinting up the boys’ stairs. I follow her.
“Which one of you fuckwads is it?”
“Uh, Marlene, have you ever heard of respect?”
“Uh, Sirius, have you ever noticed that I’m the female version of you?”
“What are we even talking about?” James asks.
“Which one of you fuckwads is dating Sirius?”
Remus glances up from his book. “That would be me.”
“Well don’t hurt each other. Okay. This has been good. I’ll talk to you guys later.”
“Okay then,” James says as she’s leaving.
I laugh, and Remus sets down his book and groans.
“What is it, love?” I say.
He motions me over and I sit down on the edge of his bed. “We need to discuss who we’re telling about this.”
“Do you need us to leave?” Peter asks.
“I mean, we could just use a silencing charm and close the curtains. Yeah. We’ll do that.” Remus says.
I slide further onto the bed and he flicks the curtains closed and casts a silencing charm. “So then,” I say.
He groans again and lays the rest of the way down.
“Are you alright?”
“Yeah, I just really don’t want your abusive parents to somehow hear that we’re together. Queer half blood and perfect heir.”
“I’m not perfect, they’d be the first to point that out.”
“Remus, I’ll be alright.” I mean, it’s true; I will. Unless they kill me, I will.
“Why’d you try to cut earlier?”
“I just needed to get out of my head.”
“What were you thinking about?”
“I don’t want to tell you.”
“Don’t want you to blame yourself.”
“Tell me, please Sirius.”
“Just that you were never gonna love me back.”
“But I do. I do love you, Sirius Black. I’ve loved you for a very, very long time.”
“About two days after we met, I realized I didn’t just love you, that you weren’t just a friend. That you were fucking perfect to me, in every possible way. I realized I was in love with you, no matter your blood status or your last name or my condition. I love you so much Sirius, and I don’t want to make this about me, or a pity party, but I can’t help thinking you deserve better.”
“Remus, no matter how perfect you think I am, I’m not. And I don’t think I even deserve the likes of you. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met. And beyond that, I deserve what I want.”
I move towards him and brush his hair out of his eyes.
“And, darling, I want you.”
"Maybe I'm just gay, but Remus is definitely the top" - my best friend while reading towards the end of this chapter.
Chapter 5: 5
The next morning I wake up early. Remus never sleeps properly, so I’m glad he doesn’t stir as I grab the money he gave me last night. I slip out of the dorm after dressing quickly in the t shirt and skinny jeans I wear under my robes and brushing my teeth.
“You got the money?” Chastyn asks as I arrive to the astronomy tower.
“Okay. This shit isn’t easy to come by, y’know.”
“Yeah. I know.”
“Okay. Long as you’re aware.”
I take a gram of cocaine and he follows me out of the tower. I slip back into the dorm, where James and Peter are both up.
“Oh, we don’t have to take turns waking him up anymore.”
“Says who? And why?”
“Because James and I decided he is your’s to deal with.”
“Fuck you both.”
“Hey! It’s not my boyfriend who throws a punch anytime someone tries to wake him up!”
“Fuck off,” I say to James absentmindedly. I woke Re up yesterday. This is not fair. I tap Remus. I tap him again. He groans. “Hey. Hey. Wake up.”
“Get out of my face.”
“But I like your face.”
“Oh my God. It wasn’t a dream.”
“No, love. It wasn’t.”
“Ugh. Okay. I’m up. I’m fucking up.”
“Why ‘ugh?’ You know you love me Moony!”
“Shut up. I’m tired. I will love you more if you’ll move.”
I oblige and he stands up and walks to the bathroom, brushing his teeth. Peter and James are already slipping on robes. I pull my robes on over my t shirt and skinny jeans duo.
“Why did you fuckers wait so long to wake me?”
“Sirius just got back.”
“No where. Needed a cigarette.”
He pulls me into the bathroom and shuts the door. “What were you doing? Because I swear to fuck, if you went off to find blades…”
“Oh, come off it. I was getting your shit.”
“Oh. Uh, sorry.”
He lifts my head to look into his eyes. “Is it? Are you alright?”
“I don’t like being accused of breaking promises. But I mean, other than that, yeah. Peachy.”
“How can I make it up to you?”
“Aye, lovebirds! I need to brush my teeth.” I open the door for James and let him in. “Why does it feel like someone died? Lighten up, mates. You can finish your snog session later.”
I look down and feel Remus’ eyes on me. “Okay. What’s going on? You have been together for a day. How are you already fighting?”
“We’re not,” I say simply.
“I upset Sirius.”
“It’s not fine, Sirius. I love you, okay? I need you to admit to me when I do something to hurt you.”
“I love you too.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“Fine. I would like to be trusted.”
“Sirius, you’re like, bad with secrets, run your mouth often, and have 10 million secrets of your own you think no one knows about. Why should he trust you not to sneak off to cut yourself?”
“Who told you?” I say, but I’m glaring at my boyfriend.
“No one fucking had to. I can read between the lines.”
“Yeah. Plus I found the shit you use. Three times.”
“Yeah. So don’t blame anyone else but my nosy ass.”
“I’m sorry. I-”
“Don’t apologize for hurting, Sirius.”
I guess I’m having a panic attack and I guess Remus pulls me into him but I also guess I hyperventilate because the next thing I know, I’m waking up in the hospital wing.
“Oh, good. You’re awake!” Madam Pomfrey says.
“Uh, yeah,” I respond.
“Well, you had a panic attack. I’ve decided we’re moving our two o’clock up to 8:43.”
I check the clock. It is 8:43. “Okay. What am I supposed to say?”
“What’s on your mind?”
“Can I trust you?”
“This is a judgement free zone. I can’t tell anyone unless you’re being hurt, or you’re going to hurt someone else.”
“Okay, well. Remus and I are like together, and I guess I’m nervous. Because I don’t want to be ashamed of myself, and to a large extent, I’m not. Fuck that, actually. I’m not ashamed of myself. I just feel so much pressure to be this perfect kid and everyone knows I’m not, but I don’t want to let them down. Even when “letting them down” means being an unbigoted regular ass person. But either way, I don’t know who to tell. And I’m not even sure if Remus wants us to tell people…”
“I have a feeling that he just wants your happiness.”
“Well, that’s fine, and I want his happiness too. But I don’t want my happiness to infringe on his sense of privacy, either. I’m a pretty open person and I pretend not to care about anything, but I know he’s pretty much the opposite of that.”
“Well, there are some things that aren’t meant to be secrets.”
“Yeah, but I mean, there is a safety concern. It may be 2019, but people still suck.”
“Well, that’s true. But we can keep you safe while you’re here.”
“Okay, and I’ll admit that once we’re out of here, we’re not gonna wanna lie or hide. But I still have to think about Remus, and what he wants.”
“Do you know that he doesn’t want to tell anyone?”
“No, I don’t.”
“And, Sirius, sometimes you have to think about what’s best for you.”
“No shit. I just- It seems like a lot of the time when I do what’s best for me, my mother ends up near murderous.”
“I’m not being abused- neglected, maybe, but that’s not illegal. I’m just doing my best, as the fucking black sheep, to be kept in one piece. The Slytherins and my parents would all like to see me disintegrated. My friends are amazing, and the only reason I’m still alive, honestly. Being me is exhausting. I’m exhausted.”
“I’m sorry, Sirius.”
“Aren’t you supposed to tell me what to do? How to fix it?”
“No. I’m here to help you and give you the tools to fix it yourself. But it isn’t that simple, love. About the cutting…”
“Oh, lord, the cutting. Why is everyone making such a big deal out of my cutting?”
“Because it is a big deal.”
“I’m not gonna kill myself. I would never give my mother that kind of satisfaction.”
“Spite, while an excellent motivator, isn’t necessarily a good indicator that you have solid reasons to stay alive.”
“I want to live. I just also want to get outta my head sometimes.”
“Well, you should find a better way.”
“I don’t see the problem. I’m smart enough not to bleed out. I genuinely don’t care about anything, to be honest. Except my friends. And Remus. But that’s beside the point. It helps, I’m safe about it, so who cares?”
“It’s an unhealthy coping skill.”
“You could die, Sirius. No matter how careful you are. Plus, if you ever did decide you don’t want to be here, you have 24/7 access to a way to die.”
“Okay, but that’s not gonna happen. Besides, Remus took my blades. Happy?”
“I don’t know. You’ll find a way until you decide you’re done with it. But precautions, as well as making you actually think about it, are definitely good.”
“I need a cigarette.”
“This never happened.”
“What?” I say, but she shushes me and hands me a Juul. “Why are you-”
“Remus explained why you had a panic attack. Including that it mostly came from you sneaking off to smoke, or at least, if you hadn’t, it wouldn’t’ve happened. I’m not going to tell you to quit cigarettes. I know they help some other kids with panic attacks. But for everyday nicotine needs, this is much better for you. Still terrible for a developing brain, but, y’know. Better.”
“How do I get the refill thingies?”
“I will get you pods,” she says with a smile.
I don’t trust this. No adult in my life has ever been this kind to me.
“Why do you care so much?”
“I care about all the students. I want to see you safe. And anyways,” she says, sliding up a sleeve. “We all have a past.” I admire the muggle semicolon tattoo at the base of her wrist and the thin white lines going up her arm for a moment.
“I’ll see you Monday at three. Text or call if you need me. Oh, here’s a note. In case you’re late for class.”
I stand up and thank her.
“It’s quite alright. Just- be safe, Sirius. Plenty of us here don’t want to see anything go wrong in your life, though, obviously, plenty has.”
“Stop.” She grabs my hands, and I look into her eyes. “It’s okay to accept help, Mr. Black. It’s okay.” With that, she lets go of me and turns, walking away.
I do the same. I walk out of the hospital wing, thinking about how the rocky start ended with me feeling better, but the after effects of a panic attack are still gonna make this a helluva day, one way or another.
Chapter 6: 6
she's a little short. sorryyyyy
The day goes on without upset for the three hours until lunch. “Sirius, come to lunch with us. Please.”
I smile at my boyfriend. “Unless you’re tryna provide some grass, I’m not gonna be hungry.”
“At least come.”
“I want you to.”
“Oh. Okay. Well, in that case…”
“I was already coming, honeypie.”
“Oh, God. Did you just call me honeypie?”
“You said that already.”
“Are we, like, going to lunch this week, or…?” James asks finally, close to dropping his books.
“Yes. Or as my boyfriend seems intent on saying, ‘indeed.’”
“I said it once!”
“Once is too much.”
“Lunch. Please,” Peter says.
We all walk out of the classroom and towards the great hall. “How kind of you to join us.”
“Shove it, McKnickers.”
“They were flirting.”
“We,” I gesture between myself and Remus. “Do not flirt. For one thing, dearest over here is incapable of flirting. For another, flirting is very… not established relationship.”
“Right. Well, you called me honeypie, which is very flirty.”
“One: I am a flirt. Two: You insulted me, which is not flirting.”
“Yes it is. I show affection through being mean.”
“Only to me.”
“I mean, your ego is enough without me feeding it, honestly.”
“Oh, fuck off.”
“That’s what you say when someone is right and you have no comeback,” Marlene says, licking a fork.
“Keep that tongue to yourself. In every possible way. Bitchass.”
“Honeypie. Be nice,” Remus says.
“Oh, God! I said it once!”
“And now you’re never going to live it down.”
“Mmm, you would,” Marlene says, causing Remus to spit out his drink.
“Before I slap you, what exactly did you mean by that?” I say.
“Not anything about the baby gays’ sex life. Just, like, calling you a slut.”
“You call me a baby gay, but what action have you gotten?”
“You’ve only gotten action from girls. You’re a straight slut. Baby gay.”
“And you know about my sex life because…?”
“Because, you’re sex personified in a fifteen year old boy. All the ladies talk.”
“Right. Well.” James is motioning for me to stop. “They’re going to be sorely disappointed.”
I look at my boyfriend, and he looks upset. He pushes his food away and stands up. “I need to pee.”
I follow him out of the hall. “Rem, what’s wrong? I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s okay. It’s just, she’s right. Every girl in this school wants you. Why would you pick me?”
“Because I love you!”
“Okay, well, I don’t deserve that. And you shouldn’t have to deal with the risk.”
“It’s- love. Oh, God, love. You do deserve it. And, babes, it’s worth more than the risk. I’m not ashamed of you.”
“I know you’re not. That doesn’t take away the risks.”
“Fuck everything, I love you; that’s enough.”
“I love you too.”
I grab his hands, lace our fingers together and pull him into the hall.
“Sirius. You can’t unmake this decision.”
“Hey! Yo! Kids! EXCUSE ME!”
Everyone shuts up and looks.
I pull Remus down by the neck and kiss him. “You’re a drama queen.”
“You love me.”
“That, I do.”
“I know. It’s like, the only thing I feel secure in.”
“Sirius! You’re going to pay for this!”
“Trix, I”m not exactly worried about it.”
“Well, that’s your second mistake.”
“Can you piss off? I’m just trying to have a moment.”
“Listen to Rent together later to make up for it. I don’t need your fucking attitude.”
“And I don’t need you at all. Also, that’s a stereotype. And, anyways, haven’t you heard? Neil Patrick Harris did a whole number- it’s not just for gays anymore.”
“Though they would be twice as proud to have you if you swing both ways.”
“Nice. You do watch the videos I send in the group chat.”
“I’ll deny it.”
Bellatrix screeches, and says, “You will pay, Sirius Black.”
“Bugger off, twat.”
“WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?”
“Uh, a twat.”
She screeches again, and storms away.
“Fuck her, love. Fuck her.”
“If mother had her way, I would.”
Remus slides his hand back into mine. “You’re nothing like them. You never will be,” he says as we walk back towards the Gryffindor table.
“Brilliant,” Peter says, smiling.
James claps me on the back. “Good job, mate.”
“Yeah, good job, drama queen.”
“Shove it, McKnickers.”
“Yeah, yeah. Drama queen.”
“Least I’m not a baby gay.”
Chapter 7: 7
fair warning there is a little bit of smut. not like, smut smut. just like. a little bit of smut. but not descriptive.
That night, spirits are really high in the Gryffindor tower. We’re sitting in a corner of the common room, Pete and James sharing a couch while I sit on the floor at the foot of the armchair Remus is sitting in. Remus taps my shoulder and whispers, “Hey. Can we go do some stuff?”
My eyes widen. “Uhhhh.”
“Not that, get your mind out of the gutter.”
“Oh! Right. We’ll be back, lads.”
“Don’t smoke my grass!” Pete calls after us.
“Use protection,” James says lazily.
I raise a middle finger behind me as I follow Remus up the stairs. “Okay,” I say when we get to the top. “Are you ready?”
“Yeah. So, I googled it. Doesn’t coke not last all that long?”
“The euphoria doesn’t for sure. But the stimulant effects last longer. If you do a line about every two hours, you can stay up for days.”
“Gotcha. Okay. Show me.”
“I don’t know, Rem. It doesn’t feel right.”
“I can go ask someone else how to do it. I already bought it. I have it. It is what it is now.”
“I mean… Alright. Hand me my blade case.”
“Not for that, dumbass. I don’t have a credit card on hand to make a line with. Thank you. Where’s the coke?”
He hands it to me.
“Do you have any paper? Like, bill sized paper.”
“Yes. Here.” My boyfriend hands me a 5 pound note and I roll it up. I pour some cocaine on his bedside table, line it up and slice the little chunks with a new blade and say, “Here. Put this at the base of a nostril. Yes. Push in the other side of your nose. Yep. Then you just, like, breathe in through your nose while you move the other side along the- yep. You got it.”
A minute or so later, we’re making out and I can taste the coke in his mouth. I pull back. “You taste that?”
“Yeah. God. Ew.”
I pull him back to me and we make out a little longer, and I can feel his pulse quickening. “I love you,” he mumbles against my lips.
“I love you too- mmm.” He’s pushing me down on his bed and kissing my throat. “Rem. Uh, can you consent right now?”
“I’ve wanted you for years.”
I can’t argue with that. Soon enough, I’m shirtless and he’s kissing my collar bone, when he says “Holy fuck. Now that’s a head rush.”
“Yeah. It’s a helluva drug.”
“Mmm.” He sits up and pulls me into his lap so that I’m straddling him. I kiss him, travelling down his neck, and try to pull his shirt off. He stops me. “I don’t- I’m not.”
“Baby. I’m not going to push you. I love you. And when I say that, it doesn’t exclude any part of you.”
“If you’re too high to agree to this-”
“Okay.” I watch, mesmerized as he pulls his shirt off. I kiss down his chest and stomach. His hips are trembling. “Can I-?”
He nods, frantically and I undo his belt, slowly. “Quit fucking teasing, Sirius.”
“Mmm, don’t stop using that tone of voice,” I say, smiling. I push him so he’s lying down and continue slowly undoing his trousers.
“Sirius, I’m not fucking kidding!”
“Whatever you want, dear.”
“Well I would certainly hope so.’
I give him five star head, because goddamnit, Marlene. I am not a baby gay. He’s a moaning mess. He finishes in my mouth and I stare into his eyes while I swallow. “God.”
“Oh, the birth name works fine too.” I wink at him.
He pulls me beside him, returns the favor, and lays down beside me. “Good lord.”
“Birth name works fine too.”
I hit his arm and snuggle against him. “Sirius.”
“We share this room.”
“And, we should probably put up the blow and get dressed, don’t you think?”
I sigh dramatically. “I guess.”
He stands, already back in his pants by the time he’s glancing at me.
“Now, why exactly are you just sitting there?”
I hold my arms up. “If you act like a kid I’m gonna treat you like one.”
“Ugh. Fine. Whatever. Some of us don’t have cocaine to cut through the post orgasm haze, there, love.”
“Not my problem.”
“So you want me to be addicted to drugs.”
“That is not even close to what I explicitly or implicitly said just now.”
“I know. I’m a tease.”
He scoffs. “Yeah. I noticed.”
“You love me.”
“Luckily for you.”
I laugh. “Yeah.”
I begin putting the blow up, slip the blade into my jeans pocket. “Give it, dearest.” I glare at him and hand him my release. “You know the deal.”
He pulls me into him. “Hey. It’s okay. I love you, honeypie.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and let my head fall against his chest. “I love you too.”
He kisses the top of my head, and I guess, for just a second, the world stops. And everything is okay.
Chapter 8: 8
“Sirius, wake up.”
“James, fuck off.”
“Sirius please. It’s time to get up.”
“You have to wake up the werewolf.”
“Shit.” I stand up. “This isn’t gonna be fun.”
“Yeah. I have a feeling that he stayed up late.”
“Your Moony? Awake? Late?”
“Okay, Sirius. What are you not telling us?” Peter asks.
I walk over to Remus’ bed and pull back the curtain. He is, in fact, wide awake. “Oh, thank God.”
“I feel weird.”
“How much did you do?”
“All of it?”
“Jesus fucking christ. Stop yelling.”
“What did you give him?”
“You sold Moony cocaine?”
I sigh, and Remus nods. “It was good shit.”
“You did more than I told you to.”
“This was not the deal.”
“You never specified how long an eighth had to last me when we made the deal.”
“I guess. But having you this strung out was not the fucking deal.”
“I need you to calm down.”
“Remus, you could die from doing that much coke.”
“I mean. I guess. But I didn’t. So I need you to calm down.”
“Your life can’t be a wildcard here, Remus!”
“Well, then, neither can yours!”
“Hey! I know what I’m doing when I cut myself! You had no knowledge of your tolerance for blow!”
“Well, I do now.”
I begin digging through his drawers until I find what I’m looking for, despite Remus’ protests and James trying to physically stop me. “You don’t keep up a bargain, then neither do I.”
“Sirius, please.” Remus is crying and Peter looks like he’s in shock and still, I push past a yelling James and out the door. I’m in pyjamas. I don’t care. I slip into a common room bathroom and into a stall.
He could’ve died. He probably almost did. And it’s all my fucking fault. I push up the sleeve of my shirt, think “Fuck it,” and pull my shirt off.
Horizontal for attention, vertical for results, and diagonal for pain, right? There’s blood and a lot of it by the time James is in the common room. I hear him, asking someone if they saw me and where I went. He sounds very stressed, panicked. I hate myself a little more. They don’t need this kind of stress and there’s a vein and I knew I was gonna die of suicide if my mother didn’t get to me first but I never imagined I’d bleed out and the door is opening and James is hysterical and there’s blood fucking everywhere and I cut the vein and I feel bad for the house elves and I feel bad for James, my brother, and I feel bad for Remus and I feel more bad thinking that he’s going to blame himself and I feel bad, and I feel bad, and I feel bad, and I feel… nothing.
Chapter 9: 9
What happens next is told to me when I wake up. Remus got up and ran down the stairs when he heard a really loud noise- James, in his panic, decided kicking in the door was better than using an unlocking charm. (I, personally, know they were his weak spot. He probably just didn’t wanna admit to asking for help. Ha, ha.) Remus got to the bathroom, helped James take the door off its hinges- seriously, dudes, unlocking charms- and began to panic. James got Peter to go get help. Half of Gryffindor saw me, nearly dead in a pool of blood. Guess that secret’s gone.
Madam Pomfrey gets back to the room, deadass sprinting, at the same time as McGonagall’s arrival. The witches begin reviving me with magic. I am transferred to the hospital wing. The entire time, Remus is fucking upset. Why can’t I be mad at myself and do what I gotta do without others blaming themselves? How could it be Remus’ fault? I love him. I’m just a selfish little bastard.
“Sirius, Madam Pomfrey wants to talk to you,” Remus says, walking back into the curtained off area where I’m being held. The boys all refused to go to class today. McGonagall, shaken herself, said that would probably be for the best.
“Okay.” I push myself up in bed, wincing a little at the sharp pain in my left forearm.
“Why will you not take the fucking painkilling potions?”
I glance at James, his head in his hands. “Because, I brought this on myself.”
“Doesn’t necessarily mean you deserve the consequences.”
“Yes, it doe- Hi, Madam Pomfrey.”
“Hi, Mr. Black. Gentlemen, could you leave us for a minute? Except you, Remus. I think Sirius would want you here.”
I nod, and Peter and James walk away, James still looking agitated and Peter still seeming to be in shock.
“Now, your mother is fighting hard against your transfer to St. Mungos-”
“I’m alright, you’re a wonderful healer. Why would I need to go there?”
“It is standard when someone attempts suicide-”
“I didn’t! I just got a little carried away.”
“Sirius. You sliced a vein. Either way, you need specialized stabilization care. Professor Dumbledore is trying very hard to fight your mother, but she has rights. Our only option is to take you to a muggle hospital and tell them. If they section you under the mental health act, she will have no choice.”
“I thought the point of this was to keep me alive? Hm? Do you want her to kill me?”
“No. I’m fine. I will not leave this premises. You can keep me in this hospital wing as long as you want, but I’m not going.”
“Sirius-” Remus this time.
“No! I don’t even know how to act around muggles. I can’t be with them 24/7.”
They share a look. “That is a valid concern. However, I think it’s very important that you get the help you need, Sirius.”
“I agree with you. I don’t wanna live like this forever. But that- or any overnight type treatment- is out of the question. I will not do it.”
“Okay? It’s not okay, Poppy! He needs to-”
“People only get better when they want to, Remus. It’s his decision.”
“He’s not safe here!”
“There will be no sharp objects in the dorm room, no razors or anything. You will all come here to shave. He will be safe enough.”
Remus sits on the edge of my bed, letting out a frustrated noise.
“I’ll leave you boys to talk.”
“Okay. Thanks, Poppy.”
She walks away. He turns to me. “You scared me.”
“You’ve said that.”
“Yeah, cos you fucking scared me.”
“Werewolf not swearwolf, Moons.”
“Oi. Not the time.”
“You know you haven’t even touched me since I woke up?”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah. Look, I’m sorry for hurting you and scaring you and making everything around us fall apart. Truly. But I need to know if we’re okay. And it’s okay if we’re not- I don’t know why you’d still want me- but- Mmph.” My boyfriend is kissing me, and then he’s on top of me and I’m laying down. He’s straddling my hips and kissing my neck when the guys come back.
“Well, looks like they’ve had sex.”
“Only the- oh, fuck, Rem- oral kind.” He nips at my neck, a little harder. “Hey, I tell them everything.”
“You’ve never been open about sex before though.”
“Uh, yeah, cos I’ve never been proud of it before.” Remus’ lips form a smile at my neck. I tilt my head to give him a better angle, and he laughs, pulling away.
“Hey, I almost died today. Lots of adrenaline.”
“Not like we can really do anything here- I mean, besides James and Pete, we’ve got literally anyone in this school bursting in here.”
“Don’t care. Kiss my neck.”
He laughs, rolling off me and pulling me into his arms. I sigh dramatically, and hear the curtain move.
“I could kiss your neck, if you-”
“Oh, shit. Hey, Reg.” I sit up, detangling myself from Remus’ limbs. “What’s up?”
“I came as soon as I could- er, I heard you, well, you-”
“The rumors are true, I did buy the James Charles palette with James’ credit card. Marlene just wouldn’t shut up about the thing.”
“I’m kidding, Reggie. Hey, come here.”
He walks over and I hug my brother. “Everything’s gonna be alright, Reg.”
“Mum’s gonna have a cow.”
“Hey, look at me. I will deal with Mum, okay?”
He nods, probably glad he doesn’t have to worry about it. He says, “Well, I’d better go. You know how those fucking housemates of mine get when I’m missing.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Alright. I’ll see you later, Sirius.”
I lay back down, and when Regulus has pulled the curtain back closed, I roll over and kiss Remus’ neck. “Oi. Oi. Oi! Stop.”
I stop, and bury my head in his chest. He strokes my hair and we lay there, just being, and I’m content. I tried to kill myself a few hours ago, but I’m content.
Chapter 10: 10
That afternoon, to Remus’ anger, Madam Pomfrey releases me (and, by extent, the other boys) to our dorm to let us decide if we want to go to dinner or not. I am putting on a short sleeved band tee, no long sleeve shirt underneath for the first time ever, because my wounds (wrapped in bandages) need to breathe. I wait until 15 minutes before dinner and get up, black skinny jeans and James’ too-big Panic! at the Disco shirt rumpled from laying down. “C’mon, lads. We have to go back into the real world at some point.”
“You have a week before you have to go back to class,” James says.
“I’m going back tomorrow.”
“Who are you and what have you done with Sirius Black,” Peter deadpans.
“I don’t wanna show weakness more than I already have. I told you, I’m glad I survived, it was a really stupid, non-premeditated, impulse action and I would take it back if I could. Fuck that. Either I’m going with backup, or I’m going alone. I’d prefer backup, but McKinnon will do.”
James and Peter both open their mouths to protest, but Remus holds up his hand. He stands and walks to me, kisses my neck from behind and wraps his arms around my waist. “Love, we can let James and Pete do damage control. We can stay here and do,” he trails off, nipping at my neck. “Other things.” It was all a whisper but that was barely a breath.
“Nice try. Seduction level 10,000. I, however, know you’re a horny guy. We can do other things another time. This is important to me, Re.”
“What do you mean?”
“Why is it important to you?”
“I don’t know. I wanna control the narrative. And, anyways, as you all well know by now…” I pull away and- I feel like a stereotype- strut to the door, and fling it open. “I am, in dear old loverboy’s words, a- and I quote- ‘drama queen.’” I throw my hair over my shoulder, make it halfway to the stairs, and turn around. “Hey, daddy!”
“Oh, God.” Peter groans.
“Excuse me while I VOMIT,” James says.
“Hair tie, please.” I draw out the end of the “please,” and blow him a kiss when he shows me the one around his wrist. “Thanks, darling.”
“I’ll do your hair for you when we get downstairs.”
“Thanks.” I slow down, and let Remus sling an arm over my shoulder.
“You’re all weirdly happy given half the castle swears one of you is dead.”
“You could look up from your book when addressing suicidal people, Evans.”
“Remus is very right, Black. You’re a drama queen. Also, you talk very, very loud.”
“One of my trade marks. And, as for my happiness, this is a little dark, but cutting helps. I didn’t use pills or drugs or a gun, did I? I cut until I almost died. It helped.”
She snaps her gum. “Inefficient, Sirius. You’re smart. You must know you can’t nearly bleed out every time you need to feel better.”
“You called me by my first name.”
“I’m annoyed by your presence at times, but I enjoy the fact that your existence has coincided with mine. I’m sorry if I’m being callous. You scared me, Sirius Black. I like having you around. Not to say that’s a good enough reason for you to want to stay alive. No saltiness intended, there. I genuinely don’t think suicide is selfish or that depression can be alleviated by love or an exercise habit. I’m just saying, I like having you around, Black. I’ll deny it if you tell anyone though.”
I smile, and she stands up and kisses me on the cheek.
She flips me off and walks over to the stairs to the girls’ dorms. I sit down in the armchair where she’d been, and let Remus French braid my hair, until it is pulled from his hands when a girl crashes into my lap.
“Sirius, darling. You had me worried.” Marlene has her legs thrown over one arm of the chair, her back pressed against the other, and her ass squarely in my lap. She’s talking in a very sultry, 1920s flapper accent, which I only know because we all watched The Great Gatsby in the common room first year.
“Oh, Marlene, baby, you know it’s never intentional. I have no intention to harm you, McKinnon.”
“Oh, baby! I missed you so much. Oh, whatever should we do to celebrate your survival?”
“Well, I say, we go straight to that chapel and get married!”
“Well, okay. But you simply must know, Daddy. My affections go moreso the other way. At least, my sexual affections.”
“As you know, darling, so do mine. I’m proposing some good old insurance fraud, baby darling.”
“Mmm, Daddy! I love the way your brain works.”
I’m holding her around her waist and I consider platonically kissing her, when Remus clears his throat.
“If we’re going to dinner, I need to finish your hair, love. Also, that was a really weird scene, dudes. Weird.”
“Marlene, darling, up, love. You know what song to play.” I hand her my phone and Remus finishes my hair. “Chapel of Love” plays, and Re rolls his eyes.
“You’re lucky I love you.”
“Me being how I am is exactly why you love me, Daddy.”
“Fair enough.” He leans close. “Baby, I like it when you call me that, but you gotta hush up. Understood?”
“Sure thing, Daddy,” I whisper back.
He walks around the chair and pulls me up, brushing his lips against mine.
“Love you,” I say.
“Love you and that ass, baby,” he pinches my butt.
“I know,” I breathe into his lips.
“BOYS STOP KANOODLING I’M FUCKING STARVING.”
“It’s not my fault you refused to go eat lunch today,” I say.
“Always an answer for everything. Let’s go, lovebirds.”
Us boys and the girls head downstairs and go to the great hall. Waiting is lovely Narcissa and Lucius, just outside the hall doors.
Narcissa narrows her eyes at me. “Pathetic.”
“‘least my name itself isn’t ‘cissy.’”
“Ha, ha. Your mother is angry.”
“Fair enough. I don’t think you’re ready for this one, Sirius, darling.”
“If your answer’s always going to be slitting your wrists, believe me. Your mother won’t stop until you’re dead.”
“No shit. You have a knack for the obvious. Now, if you’ll excuse me, the sooner I eat, the sooner I get to fuck my boyfriend.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t eat. You don’t deserve it.”
“‘Cissa. Don’t tell me things you think you understand me to already be thinking. It’s insulting, and typically incorrect. Go to hell.”
“You’re the one doing that.”
“At least it’ll be all the gays around me, Cissy.”
“Fuck you. Perverting everything.”
“Our family has a long and historied train of incest, ‘Cissa. I wouldn’t say ‘fuck you’ to me unless you want people to think queer blood traitor-y incest is your shit. I know it sure as hell ain’t mine.”
Chapter 11: 11
After dinner, we all go back up to the common room. The girls are arguing with James. He is losing, both because he is outnumbered four to one, and because girls are smarter than boys. I mean, I didn’t choose boys period, but if I had, it wouldn’t have been for their intellect. Except, of course, in the case of my boyfriend. He is very intellectual. And hot. And pretty. And mine. And his dick is just good bro. It’s just good.
Okay. Yeah. We’re gonna have to take this upstairs.
I stand up, yawn while stretching, and say, “Well, darlings. It’s been a long ass day. Please allow me to retire and steal darling Re as I do so.”
“You’re not posh, baby.”
“I am pure blood though. Yknow, Il n’y a pas de quoi, or whatever. But I mean…” Remus is now up and pushing me towards the stairs. “Hold on. I wanna know if anyone knows what I just said! Hey!”
“You are so talking French while going down on me,” he says, carrying me up the stairs potato sack style.
“You do realize you coulda carried me bridal, right?”
He throws me on his bed. I quickly move, getting up on my knees. He’s undoing the buttons on his shirt, my hands around the back of his neck, kissing him. He pulls away, shrugging off his shirt and tugging on mine.
I frown at him.
I lift my arms obediently, and he kisses me again.
“I love you,” he whispers into my lips.
“Fuck me so hard I can’t walk, please.”
“Mm. I could.” He starts trailing his lips to my neck. “Or I could repay the teasing.”
“Daddy please. I need you.”
“I’ll be good. No more teasing.”
He looks at me dead in the eyes. “Now, if you can keep your word on that one, I’ll be impressed.”
“Just wanna do what you want, Re.”
“Pick a safe word.”
“Okay. Come here, baby. Knees. On the ground. Yes, good. Get me undressed, baby.”
He groans as I (quickly) undo his belt and unzip and unbutton his pants. He lets them fall to the ground and I palm him through his boxers. He stares up at the ceiling and I pull his cock out. “Daddy can I?”
I lick from base to tip, swirling my tongue around the head of his dick. His hands tangle in my loosened hair, and I begin to suck.
“Baby, can I facefuck you?”
He does as promised, and I hold back my gag reflex. I look at his eyes. “I have to stop.”
“Why?” I give him my best puppy dog eyes.
“Well, you’ve been good and I wanna actually fuck you.”
I stand up and walk over to my dresser, grab lube and come back. “I’m gonna be so good for you.”
“You know I am.”
He gently pushes me onto the bed and says, “Besides, baby. I have a feeling those tight pants, while sexy as fucking hell, are not all that comfortable right now.”
“I could survive it.”
“Oh really?” He’s positioned him self between my spread legs.
“Yeah,” I say, but even I can hear the unsureness in my voice.
He runs a finger along the outline of my dick, which twitchers, and my whole body shudders.
“Survive it, sure. Enjoy it, not so much.”
He gets my pants off and admires the wet spot on my boxers. “Didn’t know you liked sucking dick that much.”
“Your dick, Daddy.”
“Mm.” He slides my boxers down and I bend my legs to help. My dick hits my stomach and he grins.
“Let me watch you fuck yourself while I fuck you, baby.”
I moan, and he lubes himself and fingers me open and slides in me and stops. “Have you ever done this before?”
“Yeah but only with silicone.”
“How’s the real thing?”
“Better than I thought possible, God, please move.”
“The birth name works too. So does daddy.”
“I know, God please Daddy.”
“Not moving until your hand is pumping your cock.” I don’t bother with lube, the mess of precum enough for now. I’m fucking myself fast and hard when he starts fucking me fast and hard. I can barely breathe and he yells “Baby- I’m gonna-“
“Me too. Daddy don’t stop.”
We both finish at approximately the same time.
“Yknow. I see what you mean. Post orgasm haze with no cocaine. You don’t wanna get dressed.”
“Fuck it. It’s time to sleep anyways.”
And so, we do. Naked and entangled, clothes piled on the floor beside us, we sleep. And it’s the best night’s sleep I’ve ever had. Even if it was a little tender in the rear end region.
Chapter 12: 12
yo just prepare urself that's all i'm saying
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
I wake up to the sound of the shower. I am drooling on Remus’ chest. Sexy.
I stand up slowly and grab my nearly dead phone. Fuck. I forgot to charge it.
Oh, whatever. I walk to the bathroom, find the door locked, and whisper, Alohamora.
“Sirius what the fuck!”
“Potter. You’re the one with the dirty mags in the bathroom.”
“Yes. I mean, I don’t keep them in here, but, yes. Now get out.”
“I need a shower.”
“I need a wank. Also, I don’t know if you know this, but you are 100 percent naked right now.”
“Yeah.” I shrug. “Nothing to hide.”
James glances at my dick. “I mean, it’s not like you can’t be confident in that, but I feel violated.”
“You’re naked too.”
“Well, the door was locked.”
“Go to your bed. Close the curtains. Put on a silencing charm. And do yourself a favor. Watch porn. Playboy is so… not twenty first century.”
“I just don’t want erectile dysfunction at 20.”
I shrug. “Don’t watch super specific porn then. Now get out.”
“I was here first!”
“This is not what bathrooms were made for!”
“This is all of our space!”
“James, Sirius, what’s going on- okay, so you’re both naked right now, which is a little weird. Stop yelling! You’re gonna wake up the whole castle!”
“LADS! If it is before 6:45 am, I’m killing all of you. That’s the agreement. You cannot wake me before then.” Remus walks up.
“You’re naked too.”
I look at Peter. “I mean, realistically, you’re the odd man out right now.”
He narrows his eyes at me. “But I’m not the weird one.”
“I was wanking, he thought it’d be a lovely idea to burst in the bathroom.”
“I thought you were just in there bathing or shitting, bro.”
“It’s 6:43. Why am I awake?”
“Don’t worry, I’ll make it up to you.”
Remus raises his eyebrows. “Okay. I’m holding you to that.”
“Wait. You were wanking in OUR bathroom?”
“James,” Remus says. “No wanking. Certainly not to Playboy. Haven’t you ever heard of PornHub?”
We argue for, apparently seven minutes, because a prefect comes in to make sure we’re awake. “You are all naked.”
“I’m not!” Peter protests.
James flicks his wand, vanishing Peter’s clothes. “Yes you are.”
“Shower not a grower, damn.”
“You should see mine. I’m both.”
“Sirius I swear to god if you turn around to show off your endowment I will castrate you.”
“Okay, well. Orgies are against Hogwarts policy, if anyone was unaware.”
“I’m straight!” James and Peter both protest.
“James is so straight he’s using a Biblical era porn format.”
“More like Ancient Greccian.”
“The only way it could get worse is caveman carvings.”
“Boys. Just, get ready.”
“Okay!” I shut the door in his face. “I’m showering now. Re, care to join me? For, uh, time’s sake?”
“No. We both know that would take more time.”
I pout, but go to the bathroom. I brush my teeth, use the toilet, then get in the shower. I bathe, and hope more clothes are involved when I’m done. I get out of the shower, grab a towel and dry off my hair and body, and brush my wet hair. “Well, lads, ya bitch is clean.” James wordlessly walks past me into the bathroom, locking the door as soon as it shuts.
Peter is dressed and Remus is… struggling to get there. I pull on a t shirt and skinny jeans, put my robe on over, and see Remus, his shirt on backwards. “Why are you so tired?” I ask, as I pull his shirt back off and work on turning in the right way.
“I’m being deadass when I say not to wake me up before 6:45. That’s a real thing, love.”
“But did you sleep okay?” I notice a stain on the shirt he’s wearing and tug on it.
“I like this shirt.”
“It’s stained, love.”
“Oh. Okay. And, yes, I slept fine. Just fucking tired.”
I grab him a Star Wars t shirt and help him get it on. “I can dress myself.”
“Yeah, but this is faster, and the faster we get you some tea, the better.”
“Mh, yeah, sounds like the truth.”
I help him into his robes and he brushes his teeth. I send him back to the bathroom to brush his hair, pulling my own wet hair into a manbun. I kiss Re, and he sighs when he looks at my hair. “Here.” He tames my curls a bit and put another hair tie around the bun. “Better. Let’s go get food and tea.”
“C’mon, baby. At least eat some toast.”
“Fine. Let’s go.”
We walk downstairs, James still in the shower, and go to the great hall. We sit down, Evans the only Gryffindor girl down there in our year, and Peter is down already as well. Remus butters a piece of toast and puts it on my plate. I sigh and take a bite. I haven’t eaten this early in the morning since the last day of second year. I chew angrily, and Remus raises an eyebrow. “You look mad. Like, mad mad. You don’t have to eat it.”
I drink some pumpkin juice and ignore him, taking another bite of toast. James joins us, hair dripping and looking a mess as usual, and narrows his eyes at me. “Why are you pissed off?”
“Toast,” I snap, drinking more pumpkin juice.
He raises an eyebrow. “Sirius, uh, do you have a problem with these, uh, kernels of wheat? Did they kill your firstborn son and your cow?”
“No. I just don’t like food.”
“That’s a lie. Everyone likes food,” James says, and I don’t know why he’s fighting me or what he thinks he’s getting at, but I have had enough. I stand up and walk out of the room. I don’t have long before they figure out where I’m going, so I take a short cut to the kitchen, wait till there’s no one around, and reach up to tickle the pear. Then, someone taps my shoulder.
“Uh, Sirius?” It’s a girl’s voice. I turn around.
“Oh, hi, Susie.”
“Listen, we need to talk.”
My eyes widen. “Okay, and?”
She raises an eyebrow. “You came in me two months ago. I’m two months pregnant.”
“I have no recollection-”
“Yeah, cause it was your birthday. You told me before you got fucked up you wanted to hook up, then you got fucked up.”
“And we didn’t use a condom, because..?”
“I supposedly have the best birth control ever.”
“But here we are.”
I look at Susie. She’s a pureblood Ravenclaw. “What are you gonna do?”
She raises an eyebrow at me. “Unless you can afford an abortion, I guess I’m having your kid.”
I sink to the ground. “I might could get the money-”
“I don’t want drug money.”
“Then don’t let drug dealers go raw in you! Jesus.”
“This is every bit as much your fault as mine.”
I hear James yelling my name, getting closer. I sigh. He rounds the corner, sees us, and says, “Oh, thank God.”
“What?” Susie asked.
“You weren’t stopping him?”
“Stopping him from what?”
“Nevermind. Why are you on the floor, then?”
“Oh, God, honey, there you are. You can’t disappear like that,” Remus says, worried.
“I’m gonna throw up,” I say. Then, I throw up.
Remus turns to Susie. “Is everything alright?”
“Not unless you have 680 pounds.”
“Why do you need 680 pounds?”
I laugh, wiping vomit off my mouth.
“And Sirius is throwing up because… Oh. Oh shit,” James says.
I close my eyes. This can’t be happening. I stand up and walk back to the kitchen. I tickle the pear and walk in, rinse my mouth out with water, and am looking for a knife when Remus walks in. “Honey, they put a charm on the knives. They disappear when you come down here.” I let out a sob. “C’mon. Let’s get you to Madam Pomfrey.”
“She told me to bring you to her whenever shit goes down.”
I pull my Juul out of an inner pocket of my robes and hit it. “This shit isn’t the same. I need a cigarette.”
“Honey. I need you to breathe.”
I take a few deep breaths, and say, “Okay. Let’s go.” I put my Juul back in my pocket and Remus escorts me to the hospital wing.
“Have a good session, love. I’d stay with you, but you know she wouldn’t let me. And I need to go to class, which I know you know, and therefore, I assume you’d make me go anyways.”
“Correct. Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
I stare at the door. This’ll be fun.
Chapter 13: 13
“Ah, Mr. Black, what a pleasure!”
“I got Susie Lancaster pregnant.”
“Well, how do you feel about that?” She asks, ushering me into her office and into a seat.
“I don’t- I don’t know.”
“Obviously not good?”
“Obviously, I mean, I’m gay, if Mum finds out I’ll be marrying her, and besides that, I’m so totally fucked up. No kid deserves to be my kid. I don’t have good genes.”
“Well… How can I help?”
I laugh humorlessly. “Got 680 pounds? Or, hey, maybe you know how to perform an abortion!”
“It’s illegal for witches under 17 to get a magical abortion without parental consent. And, no, I can’t pay for her a muggle one.”
“I’m so stupid. I don’t even remember having sex with her. James remembers it, though. She’s a freak, y’know, and I hooked up with her under heavy drug influence on my birthday, and, goddamn, apparently she’s on really good birth control but, y’know, not good enough.”
“No birth control method is 100 percent effective, Sirius.”
“Yeah, well, wish I’d known that when choosing not to use a condom.”
“You should always use condoms, especially when engaging in penis-in-vagina sex. STDs are always a concern.”
“Right, well, I didn’t.”
“Yes… Is there no way you see this panning out positively?”
James bursts through the door. “Sirius! Mate! Dad’ll pay for it.”
“Dad said he’d cover Susie’s abortion.”
“He’s pissed at you for raw dogging a bitch you didn’t hardly know while on so many drugs you don’t remember it, but, yeah. Already Venmoed you the money.”
“Oh, my God!”
“Yep. So no more raw dogging bitches ya don’t fuckin’ know while on so many drugs you can’t remember it.”
“Of course not. Moony is God now.”
Madame Pomfrey opens her mouth. “It’s this new joke. I don’t know where it came from, but, uh, I’m gonna go to class now.”
“Alright, lads. Here are late notes. Get outta here.”
We go out and towards the Transfiguration classroom. We both put in AirPods and use some new magic to sync up some music. We’re goofing off and dancing on the way to class, laughing loudly by the time we’re near the corner. “Okay, okay, be quiet.”
We sober ourselves up and round the corner. “Hello, boys.”
“We have notes.”
She narrows her eyes at us and holds her hand out. We give her both our notes and she examines them. “Very well. Don’t lollygag next time, perhaps.”
We both go to where we Marauders always sit in the back of the classroom. Peter is having trouble with a spell, and Remus is trying to help him patiently. I grab Remus’ notes and begin practicing the spell outlined there. I get it right and Peter sighs. “I’m never gonna get this.”
“Sure you will Pete,” Remus says. “Here, move your wrist more like this…”
I do the spell again, mutter, “That’s what he said,” and James also succeeds.
“I’m hopeless,” Peter complains.
“You’re not! You’ll get it, Peter. Just keep trying. It took me lots of practice too!”
The class is dismissed. Peter is near tears. I don’t do well with emotions.
“Lads, I’m gonna go find Susie.”
“Sirius, how do you do it?”
“Magic. It’s so easy for you.”
“Well, my life fucking sucks. I guess the universe chose to let me have it easy in one place.”
“Everyone’s life sucks. Real answer, please?”
“Do your parents hate you, Peter? Do you spend every day trying to prove your last name doesn’t mean you’re evil? When’s the last time you felt so trapped you had to slit your wrists for release? Hm?”
“You chose that part.”
“Okay, wow. I’ll see you guys later.”
James looks upset, and I, for once, can’t read Remus. I turn around and walk away. I make like I’m going to find Susie, then take a shortcut up to the dorm. I dig through Peter’s messy shit, find weed and grab the bong under my bed. I smoke a whole gram of sativa, still feel like shit, and find myself screaming into a pillow. It’s not right. Why can’t they just let me cut myself?
Wait. I gave Remus a blade for cocaine. I open his drawer, find it easily, and lock myself in the bathroom. I slide the sharp metal along my upper right thigh. I’m cutting, not deep, but a lot. I sigh upon realizing I’m probably going to have to heal myself so Remus doesn’t see.
“Where’s the map?”
“Right here. I solemnly swear I am up to no good. Oh, Lord. Sirius, we know you’re in the bathroom,” James says.
“Sirius, you’re scaring me…”
“I’m fine. Could you leave me alone?”
“No. Let me in, darling.”
“Remus, will you please, please give me time?”
“You had time.”
“Enough time to get the room smelling this strong alone.”
I stand up, pull up my jeans, and open the door.
“Let me see,” Remus says.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Yes, you do know what I’m talking about.”
“You have no empirical data to support that claim-”
He picks me up and puts me on his bed. I raise an eyebrow. “If you just wanted me to show you mine, all you had to do was ask, y’know.”
“Was that meant to be funny because I’m not fucking laughing, Sirius.”
“Yes, actually, it was a joke. You may have heard of the concept.”
“Still not laughing.”
I raise an eyebrow. “So, what? What are you expecting me to do right now.”
He looks at me. His eyes are full of disappointment. My shoulders sag. I slowly get my pants off and he gasps. “Baby,” he sighs. His eyes are full of tears.
I grab him by the hips and pull him into bed with me. I’m spooning him, which is an interesting turn of events, and we lay there for a good five minutes, when I announce, “If you really think about it, the first people to ever make out were probably just being gross. Same with sucking dick. Also eating pussy. Woah. My arm is moving, but like, it’s not moving correctly. I mean, I can feel it moving correctly, but it looks like a Tim Burton film. Alexa, play 7-11 by 3Oh!3.”
“How much did you smoke?”
“I weighed out a g.”
“You smoked an entire g?”
I giggle. “Yeah.”
“Well, guess you’re not going to class all day.”
“Yeah. I mean, it’d for sure be an experience, and I’ve gone to class stoned before, but I’m, like, really stoned. Alexa, volume 10.” They begin screaming- at me, at Alexa to shut up- and I fall off the bed from laughing so hard. “I’m starving,” I say when I can breathe again.
“Don’t get stoned then.”
“You’re not eating my chocolate.”
“I’ll buy you more. Woah, my head feels, like, full? Woah.”
Peter walks in. “So you found him- Okay, how much did you three smoke? And why didn’t you open a window?”
“I smoked a g. James and Re are sober,” I say, playing with Remus’ hands.
“You smoked a whole gram alone?”
“C’mon, boo. You have plenty.”
“You’re right. You should still ask.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. Remus, would you give me head?”
“Ask for sexual favors after the silencing charm has happened, please.”
Remus, nonetheless, shuts the curtains, casts a silencing charm, gives me head and fucks me until I cum untouched, and yes, sex is better stoned, and he helps me put on some sweatpants, redresses himself, pulls me into him, and I fall asleep.
Chapter 14: 14
I wake up to Remus gently detangling his body from mine and I feel myself whining. Bro, shit just happens, and like, you aren’t even, like, trying to make it happen? Fucking crazy shit right there. “Bro. Shit just like happens and I’m not trying to make it happen. Well, talking’s hard. I’m trying really hard at that… But in general, man, like, life is just happening and you’re just along for the ride. You know?”
“We’ll be back, Sirius. We’re going to class. Do not leave this room, please darling.”
“But do you know what I’m talking about?”
“Do you remember what you said?”
“Uh…” I think really hard. “No. I do not.”
“Alright then. We will see you later.”
I wait until they leave, go grab the blade I hid in the bathroom and hide it in my things. My ears feel like they’re full of cotton.
I climb into my bed. I can’t get comfortable. I climb into Remus’ bed and try to sleep but my mind is racing- fuckin’ sativa- so I grab Remus’ laptop and pull up Netflix. A boy has messaged him on some app. I try not to think about it. I turn on the ultimate stoner show, Total Drama Island, and open the messaging app. Well, fuck. My boyfriend’s trying to get more coke. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.
I close out the app without replying to the message and a new notification pops up. He can see that “Remus” read it.
“My terms aren’t bad.”
I open it and try to focus harder. This motherfucker asking my boyfriend- mine, not his- for unlimited nudes in exchange for unlimited cocaine. Well, fuck. I’m torn. Because back last year when I did all that cocaine, well, I would’ve loved a deal like this. But I don’t want Re on cocaine. Also, I lay claim to his dick. So there’s that. Fuck.
I reply and say “lol borrowing his laptop. not remus rn. i’ll let him know u texted.”
“You a snitch?”
“nah. no way. i’d have to snitch on myself, too.”
“Well fuck. I’ll offer u the same deal.”
“i’m good. tryna get off the blow.”
“Too bad. LMK if you change your mind.”
He sends his username for kik and I save it in my notes app. I close out the app again and continue watching Netflix. 6 episodes later, the boys come upstairs. “You’re on my laptop.”
“I’m watching Total Drama Island.”
“You doing anything else on there?”
I pull him onto the bed, close the curtains and cast a silencing charm. “Dearest. If you’re trying to find out if I know you’re tryna get more coke, then, yeah, I do.”
“I’m not cheating on you like that.”
“Oh, I don’t care about you sending nudes. Fuck, I, surprisingly, don’t care at all. I know I should, but I feel like I know you love me most. So, yeah. I don’t really care. I just also want you healthy and happy, darling.”
“Which would you prefer?”
“If I could be super happy and medium healthy would you be okay with that? Or would you rather me be super healthy and very unhappy?”
“Do the coke. I’m not stopping you.”
“Answer the question, Sir.”
“I want you happy. But I wish you didn’t need cocaine to get there.”
“I just get so tired, Sirius. So fuckin’ tired.”
“I know, love. I know.”
Remus pulls me into a lying position and kisses me. He rolls us so he’s on top of me- but of course- and then he pulls away. “Honey, are you sober enough to go eat? It’s almost dinner time.”
“Yes. I’m good.”
We stand up and I grab a shirt- I really don’t remember when I took this shit off, honestly- and pull it on. James protests that it is his favorite shirt. I glance down at the FIDLAR shirt. “Do you want me to take it off?”
“Nah, I guess it’s fine.”
We go downstairs, them all in jeans and plain black shirts, me in gray Adidas sweatpants and a white band tee, and Marlene runs up. “Remus said you were sick, darling. Are you alright?”
I blink. “Uh, yeah.”
“Oh my God.”
“Oh my God! You’re blazed.”
“Well, Marlene, if you’ll let us go. We’re trying to spend as little time outside of the dorm room as possible.”
I laugh and we go out of the common room and down to the great hall. I eat half the food on the table. Not a lot of any one thing, but enough of everything to feel near to vomiting. We go back up to the dorm room, I point out some ridiculously stupid things, and Remus pulls James’ shirt off me and puts me in his bed.
“What’re you doing?”
“Where’s my Moony love?”
“I wanna smoke.”
“Fuck, I wanna smoke.”
“You’re high enough.”
“No such thing!” I yell, sitting up.
“Lay down, sweetheart. I’ll be there in a minute, okay?” I hear a window open. I nod, slowly, and lay down. I try to stay awake, try to wait until Moony is laying beside me, but I can’t. So I roll over and begin actively accepting sleep. Then, something amazing happens. The other side of the bed sinks, and Remus pulls me into him. “Hey, baby.”
I roll over and kiss him, tasting the weed on his breath. “Hey,” I say.
“Get some rest,” he says, fighting a grin.
And I do. Safe in my Moony’s arms, I find sleep.
Chapter 15: 15
shit finna go downhill. if ur reading as i update:
- i'm sorry, but more importantly
- reread chapter fourteen if u don't remember.
My internal alarm clock fails me due to the number of times I wake up in the middle of the night, and James and Peter’s phones never go off, apparently, because the prefects responsible for all male Gryffindors’ awakeness and presence in morning classes is banging on the door. I fall out of bed, hit my head, and roll my eyes. I stand up and cross paths with James trying to let them in. We open the door- they have a half-the-feet-must-hit-the-floor policy- and they nod at our bleary eyed expressions and leave. I beat James to the bathroom and brush my teeth quickly while he uses the toilet. We trade and then I go push Peter squarely off his bed. “Ow!”
“Rem.” I shake him gently until he opens his eyes.
“Sirius what the fuck! Why can’t you wake me like that!”
“Because, Peter, even when I wake him like this he hits me half the time!”
“Wake me with blowjobs and you won’t have this problem. Ugh. Fuck. What time is it?”
“Ew,” James says, towel around his waist post shower. He puts his glasses on, pulls them off when they get foggy, wipes them and the water on his face, then puts them back on. “Uh, clock says 7:03.”
Remus sits straight up. “That’s fifteen minutes past prefect time!”
“Uh, yeah. No one woke up till they got here.”
“What happened to 6:45?”
“Relax. I’ll skip a shower. Go.”
Peter, thankfully, really enjoys weed showers, and showered last night. Otherwise, someone would smell bad. I never smell bad. I refuse to sweat. My girlish glands simply don’t allow it. Also, though, I put on a fuckton of Remus’ deodorant. We both use Old Spice, which is fine and all, but mine is the lavender-based “Wilderness,” which doesn’t exactly do the most for two days worth of sweat, even with the hyper-minimal amounts I produce. His mint-based “Tundra” works much, much better for that. Anyways, I go on to borrow one of his sweaters and wear the oversized gray-beige cable knit thing with black women’s skinny jeans which James makes fun of me for, to which I simply shoot him the bird. Peter is also wearing black jeans and a gray-beige sweater. I roll my eyes, and instead put on my own Nirvana t shirt. James raises an eyebrow. “Well, we can’t match!”
“Yeah, it’s just… Where did you get those boxers?”
“And your jeans?”
“And that shirt?”
“And your idea for long black hair to rebel against your parents?”
“Hot… Topic look James.”
“Nope. You’re a tried and true emo kid.”
“James you only listen to indie rock. I may be emo, but at least I’m more punk rock than vibrantly dickish in regards to my music taste!”
“I don’t only listen to indie!”
“Yeah, ya do.”
Remus is out of the shower and pulling on clothes. “What are we arguing about?”
“Everything on your boyfriend’s body came from Hot Topic!”
“So? He’s a cute emo. It’s tired, but endearing.”
“So, he’s acting like I have a superiority complex due to my music.”
“Well, James, when’s the last time you listened to a Top 40 on your own that wasn’t also on a Spotify curated playlist with the word “Indie” in the title?”
“That’s so not fair!”
“I listen to everything! I like Jason Aldean, and Lorde, and 5SOS! I like MCR, and Taylor Swift, and One Direction! Arctic Monkeys, FIDLAR, Sex Pistols, Nirvana, The Beatles, Ramones, it goes on and on!”
“Yeah, we get it-”
“Car Seat Headrest! Daddy Issues! Ed Sheeran!”
“Rap music! I love rap music! All kinds! Eminem and Kendrick and Afroman!”
“Kanye sucks, but Lil Wayne! Lil Wayne is my god.”
“We get it.”
“CLEARLY YOU DON’T YOU MODERN INDIE ONLY HIPSTER ASS BITCH!”
The prefects have returned. “You look ready for breakfast. Why don’t all of you stop yelling artists’ names or provoking another to do so and go downstairs.”
While we walk to the Gryffindor table I start again. “Soundtracks. When’s the last time you listened to a good soundtrack? There’s Broadway Annie, Hamilton, there’s the film version of Chicago, Burlesque, the Original 1960-something Broadway Cast Recording of The Sound of Music-”
Evans interrupts me.
“Name a favorite song from each artist you’ve named.”
“You are a very loud man. We started writing it down at Car Seat Headrest. Favorite song.”
“Them- hard choice.”
“Vincent or Destroyed by Hippie Powers.”
“Blue Haired Boy.”
“You Need Me I Don’t Need You.”
“Oh, first Marshall Mathers LP. I dig it,” Peter says.
“Yikes. Probably m.A.A.d City?”
“Okay, I only know ‘Crazy Rap,’ but it’s a fuckin’ bop.
“GODDAMN! Where to even FUCKING start…”
“Language from the Gryffindor table! 5 points from Gryffindor!” Slughorn calls out. Everyone glares at me. I shrug.
“Probably Wowzers? But Mona Lisa stay a masterpiece.”
“We’d Like To Thank You Herbert Hoover.”
“Is that a real question?” She raises an eyebrow expectantly. I sigh. “Wait For It, Burn, and It’s Quiet Uptown. Not picking.”
“Oof. Nowadays-slash-Hot Honey Rag.”
“Fuck. What’s it called? Fuck fuck fuck. Uh, oh yeah! Express.”
“Sound of Music?”
“How Can Love Survive.”
“Okay, well I remember you saying One Direction-”
“I couldn’t pick.”
“As well as Lorde and FIDLAR and Taylor Swift. Those four, and you’re done.”
“One Direction- She’s Not Afraid. Taylor Swift- Picture to Burn, but only when I can sing the gay line over the replaced politically correct version. Lorde- White Teeth Teens or Swingin’ Party or Ribs. FIDLAR- 40oz On Repeat and Alcohol. And Get Off My Rock. And- I can’t do this, it’s my favorite band.”
“Well, he is better than you, Potter.” Marlene lazily tears a corner of toast off with her teeth.
“At least I haven’t impregnated anyone!”
“Oi! Low blow! And since you went there, imma be petty. Least I’m not a virgin!”
Peter rolls his eyes and Remus glares at both of us. “Enough, boys.”
“Maybe I’m saving myself since I’m not a fucking slut like you!”
“Maybe you shouldn’t have fucking said that, Potter!”
“Whatever, least I have standards!”
“I mean, and I’m not desperate. Guess your mother never taught you how condoms work!”
“Bitch of fucking course she didn’t!”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t ask your dad for abortion money in the last week, so that says something, I guess.”
“I suggest never doing that. They’re more the “Abandon imperfect babies in the snow” type of purebloods.”
“Yeah, well, maybe they fucked you up too much! You never know when to stop, Sirius!”
“GIVE ME ONE FUCKING EXAMPLE!”
“YOU SOMEHOW FIGURED OUT A NEW WAY TO CUT YOURSELF YESTERDAY! QUITE THE ADDICTION, THERE, BLACK! WAS THE COCAINE TOO GOOD?”
“You’re literally the worst.” I swung my legs over the bench seat of the table, already standing, and left. I wasn’t hungry, so I decided to just go to the bathroom. Cocaine, actually, sounded nice as fuck. I snapped Chastyn, typing a question about ecstasy which I’d already been dying to try onto the selfie I’d taken when I quite literally ran into Susie Lancaster. “Hey, I have money for you.”
“My parents found out. I’m not able to get an abortion.”
“What the fuck. Ugh. Okay.”
“What’s up your ass?”
“Nothing! Just in a bad fucking mood.”
“Hey, you made a baby. Gotta live with it now!”
“Dude, I’m not talking about that!”
Regulus is standing awkwardly ten feet behind us. I sigh. “I’ll talk to you later, Susie.”
“We do need to talk!”
“Yeah, I know.”
I turn to my brother. “Yes?”
“First time was my thirteenth birthday.”
“Oh, so, what? Nicotine and marijuana weren’t cutting it anymore, and you decided, ‘Hey, fuck it! It’s only the most addictive drug on the market?’”
“No. Heroin and crack and meth are all more addictive. Besides, I’m only trying to placate the depression brought on by years of abuse.”
“Do you hear yourself? ‘My parents suck so I do cocaine.’”
“Yeah. Seems like a reasonable enough progression to me!”
“Mum’s gonna fucking murder you.”
“Cool. That’ll take my death off my to do list.”
Regulus looked up at the ceiling and groaned. “Sirius, stop. You know how she is!”
“Yeah, the fuck I do! And so do you! Why do you even buy into their bullshit, Reg?”
“Money isn’t fucking free, Sirius!”
“No fucking shit! Still, not worth it.”
“Not worth doing fucking literal cocaine over either! God! He yelled that so loud! You know they’re gonna search your dorm, right?”
“Well I’m out.”
“For anything. Cigs, weed, bongs, pipes. You better fucking hope you don’t get expelled.”
“I’m somehow unbothered.”
“You’re also insane then, I guess. Or else precious little Gryffindor, Dumbledore’s chosen, gets insane levels of preferential treatment! Shit like that happened at any other table and heads would roll.”
“Oh, shut up, Reg. I’m really not feeling your bullshit right now.”
I finally manage to get to a bathroom. I stare at my bloodshot eyes in the mirror, then look at the rest of my face. Angular. Sharp. I magically lock the door to the entire lavatory, then pull up my shirt. Ugly, purplish scars on my ribs and hips besides, I don’t look too bad. I suck in my stomach and count my ribs, running my fingers over them decidedly. I look at my flat stomach and chest. I blush slightly as I see light bruises from the hickeys Remus left. I glance at my wrists, bony and petite. This is what control looks like. I hear someone trying to get into the lav. I adjust my shirt and grab my wand. “Ah, fuck! Alohamora.”
The door swings open and there stands my boyfriend. I roll my eyes and turn back to the mirror. I brush my fingers along my cheekbone and then my jawline, rolling my eyes as Re comes to stand behind me.
“Why was the door locked?”
“I stole Potter’s Playboy.”
“And you thought this was a good time and place for a wank?”
“No. And I didn’t actually do that.”
“So, why was the door actually locked?”
“I was looking at something.”
“Yeah. I’m thin.”
“Yeah, I know,” Remus says carefully.
I cock an eyebrow. “Are you against that?”
“I’m against you starving to get there.”
I purse my lips. “I guess. It’s just nice, being able to control myself. Even in a minute way. When everything goes to shit. Y’know?”
“Alright, yeah, I understand. Let’s get you to Madam Pomfrey.”
I sigh and let him lead me to the hospital wing. This’ll be great. He kisses me on the lips and departs quickly. “Love you,” he calls back.
“Love you,” I mumble back. I turn to the door. Ah fuck. This’ll be fun.I go to push open the hospital wing door, but drugs really sound a lot better than therapy right now. Of course, it’s super fucking stupid to do drugs in school when your best friend’s just screamed about you doing drugs to the whole school. But, I mean, I’m failing any drug tests either way. So… I dunno. Why not? I try to think who has the Map. I don’t think Rem has it, and James is mad enough that if he is checking up on me, he’d love for me to prove his point. I slip down a corridor and into a bathroom a little ways down. The girls room that is home to Moaning Myrtle and, typically, the school’s drug deals.
“You didn’t answer my snap,” Chastyn says when he glances up from the Sudoku book in his lap. He’s halfblood, and uses mechanical pencils on the thing. He also refuses to use quills or parchment rolls. He measures computer paper instead, and is known to have exorbitant tastes in Japanese muggle stationery.
“Yeah. Got interrupted.”
“Well, I can fill you in. I’ve got some, yeah, and a reliable source for more. Test it and all. But… I dunno, Sirius. You’re fifteen. Maybe it’s not such a good idea.”
“How old were you when-”
“Okay, yeah, Sir, but my parents are shitty, too. Different kind. They’re junkies. I was smoking weed before I was nine, had tried Xanax before I got here. Hogwarts saved me, and I don’t want part of it to kill you.”
“If you don’t sell me stuff, I’ll just find it somewhere else.”
“I know that. I was just making sure you’re actually determined to do it, that I couldn’t talk you out of it… I’m not giving you Molly. I’m gonna give you pure MDMA. Take it in your dorm room, make sure someone knows- and I don’t count, you know that- and that you’re safe and can get in the shower. It fucks with your temperature.”
“One humiliation via James Potter.”
“Don’t do me any favors, Chas. How much?”
“Seriously. First one’s free.”
“Okay. How much for three then?”
“First order’s free, then. Here.”
He waved his wand and handed me four pills in a bag. He explained that it’s probably fine to take one the first time, but I really ought to consider more after that.
“Alright. Thanks, Chas.”
“Just wait between highs, Sirius. And when you get caught, you got it from some nasty Slytherin, alright?”
“Yeah, yeah. I know.”
“It’s realler than it used to be, Sirius. I shouldn’t even be giving you this.”
“Okay, okay. I’ll see you later, Chas.”
“Tell someone!” he says to my back as I walk out of the bathroom and slip back up to Gryffindor tower.
The effects will last long enough that I shouldn’t, but…
I grab a knife I snuck out of the dining hall from a wall panel I bewitched behind my bed.
I cut one pill in half, and keep another out.
I hide the other half and the other two tablets with the knife.
I have a thought. I grab all drug paraphernalia, all evidence, from every hiding place in the room. I take James’ cigarettes and the rest of Remus’ blow and all of Peter’s bong collection. I summon the same from the girls dorm, Marlene’s dab rig landing neatly with the rest. I put it all under my bed, and take MDMA.
Might as well go down high as a hippogriff, if you’ve gotta go down at all.
i'll be straight w u i did cocaine once (well i bought it once. i did what i bought. which maybe qualifies as doing it more than once?) after i started this fic and justified it as research but i'm not doing mdma for research so y'all best believe only addiction recovery sites depictions of what mdma is like will be incorporated into sirius' behavior next chapter.
your lovely torturer (author?)
They found me at lunchtime. We’d had double potions in the morning, and they had figured I was at Madam Pomfrey’s for enough of that that I just hadn’t bothered at all. I had hidden the map in one of the emptied drug places- loose floorboard, Peter’s bunk- and they had gone to the hospital wing. Apparently, they’d run into Chastyn and asked if he’d seen me when she said I’d never showed.
“I’d check your dorm room. I fucking told him to tell someone, though.”
James had been ready to apologize, but now he was mad again. They’d raced up the steps and met Professor McGonagall just outside the staircase to the boys dormitory.
“I don’t like to go up there, being opposite sex and all.”
Her voice was loud but hazy.
“Can you see if he’s up there?”
Peter was the first one in.
“Fuck, Sir, what’d you take?”
“Dude this is better than LSD. Holy fuck, wow. Who’s looking for me?”
“She’s gonna have to come up here. I had some weed with it. Forgot how motion works.”
“What is it?”
“Merlin’s beard, Sirius!”
“Shh stop yelling.”
“I told you, I forgot-”
“JAMES REMUS COME HERE HE WON’T MOVE.”
“Shh Peter oh fuck feet. Wait. Is that-” I bend my knee, testing it. “Oh, yeah!”
I’m standing when Remus and James get into the room, but wobbling a lot. I would’ve fallen back down but Remus threw me over his shoulder and went back downstairs.
“Where do you want him?”
“The floor is moving even more than if you’d carried me and I wasn’t fucked up.”
“Fucked up’s a good phrase for it,” he says, grimly, and drops me into an armchair McGonagall must have indicated. Professor Dumbledore is in the tower too now.
“Woah! Who gave you the password? Do you know all the passwords? Does Ravenclaw’s riddle ever stump you? Cuz I tried to get in there and-” I shake my head. “I’m clever, but not that clever.”
“Anything else you wanna boast about, you git?” James asks with a sigh.
“Yeah. I’m good looking, good at magic, AND good in bed. And I’m better than you at smoking cigarettes, and at wooing the ladies, which is highkey ironic, cuz I don’t really like them like they like me. I’m a lot of people here at Hogwarts idea of ‘sex, personified,’ but I’m still nice enough to be your friend, you mean piece of shit. Oh, and, I bought you a bottle of Svedka for your birthday. Oh, and, I hid all of our drug stuff under my bed so when they-” I gesture vaguely- “Look for it, they’ll never know you’ve tried weed. Also, I didn’t yell at Susie for not getting an abortion, which is pretty considerable, given the- Oh, fuck.” I lean over and throw up on the floor. “Actually, I drank all of your birthday Svedka, but I’ll get you a Playboy as a joke, though I’m sure you’ll-”
“Sirius, that’s enough,” Professor Dumbledore says.
“What about him? Always wanking in the bathroom, the BATHROOM, with a Playboy, the archaic outdated bigot.”
“I’m not a bigot.”
“I know, I know. It just sorta fit with the other words.”
“But that doesn’t make it true. Think about this, young Sirius,” Professor Dumbledore says. “Cutter, Junkie, Crazy, Bad. Do those words sound like they fit together?”
“But you’re not bad. Or crazy.”
“But… But I am. Moreso bad. If I was crazy, I’d have an excuse.”
“Bad choices don’t make you a bad person. I’m not suspending you, on the condition that you don’t share the condition with anyone else, go to Madam Pomfrey once a day, and keep your pursuits to an herbal type from here on out.”
I look up at him. “What?”
“You’re trying to escape, Sirius. I reckon you can do so with a new mindset and some, er, ‘green’ to help you transition.”
“You’re not- I’m not-”
“You’re in a great deal of trouble, of course. I’ve written your mother. But, I did convince her to leave you here, Sirius. Told her we will continue to shape you as best as we can. She agreed, however grudgingly, but this cannot happen again. You will serve three detentions monthly, learning to cook, in the kitchens, because we’re a few house elves short, and cooking is a good thing to know how to do. Professor McGonagall will give you those details later. And, James,” he adds, turning. “Five points from Gryffindor, for unsportsmanlike conduct. However, ten points to Gryffindor, for unearthing this issue. You were not going against your friend’s wishes in his best interest, I have no doubt. But I am still glad we know. Now, I suggest you four spend the rest of the day in your dormitory. Work things out, and help Mr. Black come down. A house elf will bring up some lunch.”
We all nod, and Remus helps me back upstairs. Wow. Regulus was right. I am in trouble.
“Jamie I don’t wanna be mad at you. I love you.”
“I love you too. I’m sorry for what I said, but you can’t carry on like this.”
I look down. It’s a pretty good way to carry on. “Yeah…”
I’m hot, so hot, though, and I remember what Chastyn said about the shower. I strip, throwing clothes carelessly as I walk to the bathroom. I turn the water all the way on and all the way cold. Remus has followed me.
“Are you alright, babe?”
“Yeah. Just… So fucking hot.”
“Oh. MDMA do that?”
“I’d offer to shower with you, but it’s cold.”
I nod. Remus does not like to be cold.
I get in, cool off, and get out. I put on boxers and lay on my own bed, since my hair is dripping wet.
“Dude,” James says in awe.
“What?” Remus responds.
“They didn’t take anything. None of the weed, not Sirius’ MDMA. Nothing.”
“I bet they didn’t even look,” Peter says.
I roll onto my side. “Reg’s right. Being Gryffindor comes in handy.”
“No, Sirius. I think they just want to give you a chance to make it right.”
I get up, walk over, and sit by Remus on his bed. I lean into him, and his hand slides around my waist. I lean into his touch, feeling… Good.
“Peter. I love you.”
“I love you, too, Sirius. Can we get rid of the MDMA for you?”
“Yeah. If it’ll… make you feel better, then yeah.”
Remus tells the others to deal with everything as they see fit, then slides the curtains shut and puts on a silencing charm.
“Too hot, Rem. Sorry.”
“No, I just wanted to watch a movie or something.”
He turns on Lemonade Mouth, the Disney Channel Original movie that made me wanna mean something when Lily played it for us second year.
“I love you,” I mumble into his shoulder. His hand finds mine and squeezes.
“I love you too.”
I got drunk halfway through writing this chapter to more appropriately explain sirius. i did not, however, do mdma. my apologize, comrades.
p.s. i am drunk
p.p.s. it is short
p.p.p.s. but i'm drunk
p.p.p.p.s. maybe the two are related also typing is hard. i'm gonna go knit now.