Chapter Text
Sometimes, life gets dark. Or harder than anything you can cope with.
Sometimes people will let you down. And sometimes you'll be the one hurting others.
Sometimes, everything you knew was a lie.
Sometimes I wish I could fall asleep and never wake up again…
"What's with the shaking hands?"
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Leo looked up from his books as he heard Max's voice whispering into his ear silently. Whether it really was his questions that ripped him out of his daydream or the little punch in his side Max gave him to get his attention, he couldn't say for sure.
The truth was he hadn't been paying attention on what was happening on stage right now. Leo just sat there, almost drowsily looking at Max.
"What do you mean?" he asked a little absent minded still, rubbing his side slightly while trying to give the best smile he could accomplish.
Max raised one eyebrow and almost pierced the younger man with his stare. Silently and without saying any more he pointed at Leo's hands without taking away his gaze.
Leo followed him and only seconds later found himself staring at his own hands as well.
He looked as usual. A little slumped down he was sunken in his chair, with his right hand holding on to the corner of the paper he was writing on so it wouldn't get lost and his left holding the old scratching pen he felt most comfortable with when he needed to write down notes pretty quickly. The only difference were his hands shaking. Not just a little but in a way everyone within a radius of nine-hundred feet would have noticed. It almost looked like he'd been in the icy cold for hours.
Only it wasn't winter and inside the theatre it was pretty warm most of the time anyway.
Leo gasped slightly and suddenly sat upright.
"Are you feeling stressed?" he heard Max again. He sat next to him and supported his head with his hand by now. Most likely he tried to look casual. Leo could tell. But Max's eyes looked worried. As did his voice which carried Leo`s assumption so clearly into his direction. "It happens a lot lately. If you need a day off or anything, just let me know."
Leo immediately pulled his hands out of his field of vision and clamped them under his arms, smiling at Max.
"What are you talking about?" he grinned. "I'm alright, don't you worry."
Thus he got up, causing the chair to squeak loudly on the wooden floor. Some people around them turned and it appeared the noises around them faded a bit. That moment was crucial. Leo knew theatre people. He knew they would listen now because everything the producer of a show did, could affect them and they knew. What they didn't know though were these small private conversations between him and Max every once in a while.
He turned his back on Max and marched towards the side door of the stage. He didn't dare to turn nor did he say anything. He just kept moving.
"Leo," he heard Max calling after him, but only focused on getting out; his hands still out of sight from anyone. A little fresh air. That's what he needed. Nothing more or less. This would be gone in no time for sure and he didn't want Max to worry.
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When the huge metal door fell shut behind him, Leo turned once more to see if he'd followed him.
Nothing.
He exhaled deeply and lifted his head to look at the sky.
The sun was shining down on him and it was always a little difficult to get used to the brightness of a summer's day when spending the whole day inside a dark theatre. Leo blinked once or twice. The crystal clear blue sky was almost inviting to walk a little, but he knew he had only little time before someone inside would miss him or insist he'd come back.
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a second before squatting down to the floor.
Slowly he pulled his hands up again, which he had kept hidden between his arms. It took him a moment to really look at them though. This was hard and he knew. Lowering his head he finally focused his hands.
There they were. They looked like his. They even felt like his. But he could clearly see it. Shaking. They were shaking uncontrollably.
Leo didn't understand. He didn't do anything. Hell, he didn't even recognize them doing it. Nor did he have any control over them calming down.
His eyes widened and he noticed how his breath became faster. Quickly he rubbed them against each other trying to stop them. But even his movements became more desperate within seconds.
"No, no, no," he thought and felt a familiar fear crawling up inside of him holding his breath. His gaze was fixated on his hands up to the point where he didn't even notice the city around him or people walking by in the near distance. But it was no use.
So, in one quick twitch he pressed them behind his back, leaning his whole weight against them up to a very painful point. Leo felt the cold brick-stone wall behind him and his fingers between that wall and his back and the pressure of his body which crushed them between the two of them. But as soon as the painful tension almost caused an even worse sting in his hands that immediately wandered up his arms, he could feel them slowly calming down. It was almost as though he was able to feel them again.
Leo let his strained head fall back against that wall as well. He inhaled deeply trying to also relax his body again.
"Not again," he thought, opening his eyes. How on earth could this happen? It didn't in years. But this was way too familiar and, being honest with himself, it started to scare him deeply. A fear he believed to have vanished. A fear he thought he'd prevailed over. But right here and now, it was back.
So what now? What should he do? Ignoring it and hoping this was a once in a lifetime incident? Probably. But what if it was not? What should he do?
And more importantly, what should he tell Max, who was bound to ask after that exit?
He didn't know. He didn't want to lie either though.
Leo slowly pulled his now aching hands back up from behind his back. They were red from the pressure and he could clearly see the markings of the bricks. But at least, they didn't shake anymore.
The young man still stared at them.
So, what now?
~To be continued~