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2019-06-30
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2022-04-15
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9/?
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Bleeding fall

Summary:

What if there was something you didn't know? Max notices a small thing with Leo and everything seems to change... Leo/Max The Producers (c) Mel Brooks

Notes:

Looong time, no see, right :) I've been away for a while, I know but I wasn't gone mentally... Anyway, hope you like this (lame) beginning...believe me, it's gonna get better ;)

Chapter 1: Noticing

Chapter Text

Sometimes, life gets dark. Or harder than anything you can cope with.

Sometimes people will let you down. And sometimes you'll be the one hurting others.

Sometimes, everything you knew was a lie.

Sometimes I wish I could fall asleep and never wake up again…

"What's with the shaking hands?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Leo looked up from his books as he heard Max's voice whispering into his ear silently. Whether it really was his questions that ripped him out of his daydream or the little punch in his side Max gave him to get his attention, he couldn't say for sure.

The truth was he hadn't been paying attention on what was happening on stage right now. Leo just sat there, almost drowsily looking at Max.

"What do you mean?" he asked a little absent minded still, rubbing his side slightly while trying to give the best smile he could accomplish.

Max raised one eyebrow and almost pierced the younger man with his stare. Silently and without saying any more he pointed at Leo's hands without taking away his gaze.

Leo followed him and only seconds later found himself staring at his own hands as well.

He looked as usual. A little slumped down he was sunken in his chair, with his right hand holding on to the corner of the paper he was writing on so it wouldn't get lost and his left holding the old scratching pen he felt most comfortable with when he needed to write down notes pretty quickly. The only difference were his hands shaking. Not just a little but in a way everyone within a radius of nine-hundred feet would have noticed. It almost looked like he'd been in the icy cold for hours.

Only it wasn't winter and inside the theatre it was pretty warm most of the time anyway.

Leo gasped slightly and suddenly sat upright.

"Are you feeling stressed?" he heard Max again. He sat next to him and supported his head with his hand by now. Most likely he tried to look casual. Leo could tell. But Max's eyes looked worried. As did his voice which carried Leo`s assumption so clearly into his direction. "It happens a lot lately. If you need a day off or anything, just let me know."

Leo immediately pulled his hands out of his field of vision and clamped them under his arms, smiling at Max.

"What are you talking about?" he grinned. "I'm alright, don't you worry."

Thus he got up, causing the chair to squeak loudly on the wooden floor. Some people around them turned and it appeared the noises around them faded a bit. That moment was crucial. Leo knew theatre people. He knew they would listen now because everything the producer of a show did, could affect them and they knew. What they didn't know though were these small private conversations between him and Max every once in a while.

He turned his back on Max and marched towards the side door of the stage. He didn't dare to turn nor did he say anything. He just kept moving.

"Leo," he heard Max calling after him, but only focused on getting out; his hands still out of sight from anyone. A little fresh air. That's what he needed. Nothing more or less. This would be gone in no time for sure and he didn't want Max to worry.

-----------------------------------------------------

When the huge metal door fell shut behind him, Leo turned once more to see if he'd followed him.

Nothing.

He exhaled deeply and lifted his head to look at the sky.

The sun was shining down on him and it was always a little difficult to get used to the brightness of a summer's day when spending the whole day inside a dark theatre. Leo blinked once or twice. The crystal clear blue sky was almost inviting to walk a little, but he knew he had only little time before someone inside would miss him or insist he'd come back.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a second before squatting down to the floor.

Slowly he pulled his hands up again, which he had kept hidden between his arms. It took him a moment to really look at them though. This was hard and he knew. Lowering his head he finally focused his hands.

There they were. They looked like his. They even felt like his. But he could clearly see it. Shaking. They were shaking uncontrollably.

Leo didn't understand. He didn't do anything. Hell, he didn't even recognize them doing it. Nor did he have any control over them calming down.

His eyes widened and he noticed how his breath became faster. Quickly he rubbed them against each other trying to stop them. But even his movements became more desperate within seconds.

"No, no, no," he thought and felt a familiar fear crawling up inside of him holding his breath. His gaze was fixated on his hands up to the point where he didn't even notice the city around him or people walking by in the near distance. But it was no use.

So, in one quick twitch he pressed them behind his back, leaning his whole weight against them up to a very painful point. Leo felt the cold brick-stone wall behind him and his fingers between that wall and his back and the pressure of his body which crushed them between the two of them. But as soon as the painful tension almost caused an even worse sting in his hands that immediately wandered up his arms, he could feel them slowly calming down. It was almost as though he was able to feel them again.

Leo let his strained head fall back against that wall as well. He inhaled deeply trying to also relax his body again.

"Not again," he thought, opening his eyes. How on earth could this happen? It didn't in years. But this was way too familiar and, being honest with himself, it started to scare him deeply. A fear he believed to have vanished. A fear he thought he'd prevailed over. But right here and now, it was back.

So what now? What should he do? Ignoring it and hoping this was a once in a lifetime incident? Probably. But what if it was not? What should he do?

And more importantly, what should he tell Max, who was bound to ask after that exit?

He didn't know. He didn't want to lie either though.

Leo slowly pulled his now aching hands back up from behind his back. They were red from the pressure and he could clearly see the markings of the bricks. But at least, they didn't shake anymore.

The young man still stared at them.

So, what now?

~To be continued~

Chapter 2: Proving

Chapter Text

Max watched him sneaking back into the theatre. He stood in the shadows of the huge curtains, which hung pulled away aside the stage, his arms folded. While all the people on stage were busy hurrying to their places and rehearsing lines again, he could easily get out of sight in that dark corner.

Not that it really mattered, for Leo only rushed by as quickly as he had left before. He appeared absentminded and in a way careless. He tripped over his own feet once or twice while keeping his focus on the chair he was aiming for. His movements were quick and almost timid. A behavior Max hadn’t seen in years on his partner. But, much to his relief, Leo’s face had brightened up a little.

He watched him taking his seat again and, as usual, starting to take notes immediately just as if nothing had happened.

Max sighed. Well, maybe there really was nothing. Leo had worked a lot over the past couple of months and maybe was indeed just tired. There was no sign of him acting strange after all. And who knows what Max had seen there? Maybe he’d imagined it.

“You should really stop worrying so easily,” he thought to himself, closed his eyes and had to smirk. Geez, this manner was pretty new to him as well but somehow grew to be a habit lately, if he didn’t pay attention. But it was a fact he himself was keeping his eyes on Leo more often than usual.

“This gotta stop,” Max thought and lifted himself from the wall he was leaning onto, moving straight towards the stage again without another glance at his partner. He shouldn’t notice he’d been observed anyway.

Max moved through the theater in the back of the stage always careful not to walk in the lights as he knew perfectly well Roger would get a heart attack within a second if someone walked through a scene. As well as he knew the answer “A producer is supposed to check up on some things if there’s no run through yet" wasn’t going to work as it possibly would with any normal director. Well, but what was normal anyway? Max smirked thinking about Roger. Or all of them for that matter. In fact this whole production team was kind of stranger than anyone would think. They even made headlines ever since Max and Leo gained a certain kind of fame running the biggest production empire on Broadway and it appeared, his working team drew quite some attention to the public. Even though it wasn’t so unusual for theatre people. Well, ok if he was being fair the fame of Carmen with the gay community did a good step towards this as well, but who was being so picky?

Max had to smile seeing Roger almost dancing through the crowd of actors, yelling senseless commands at them while most of the wouldn’t even listen. They knew this way too good by now as well and hadn’t had to fear anything as long as Max didn’t pay attention. They knew.

Roger was caught up in the scene, explaining in every single detail how he wanted them to behave. Needless to say he wasn’t half as good an actor as the others, so Max stopped himself from bursting into laughter listening to it. He couldn’t help it. As much a pain it was to work with them sometimes, he just loved them. Roger and Carmen and all of their freaky little appendices. It had taken him long to get to this point but they were family. His family to be exact and he wouldn’t want to have it any other way.

He stopped once more to watch them a little longer, hoping Roger wouldn’t catch him. It was a fact that became clearer to him though the longer he witnessed them. This was worth it. All the infinite working hours, the exhaustion, the endless discussions and even the little private time was worth it. This was were he was meant to be. With all of them. And Leo.

Leo.

And just as this thought crossed his mind , his eyes wandered slowly over to the former accountant again.
Leo sat there, with his hand folded in front of his face and his chin lazily laid upon the back of them, watching Roger as well. He seemed tired, which was nothing unusual during this time of a production but he smiled again. His normal carefree smile with bright eyes and the little dimples that appeared next to his mouth when he was being amused.

Max sighed again. It must have been imagination. Leo was as ever. Nothing strange about him.
“Where does this attitude come from, you old fool,” he asked himself, closing his eyes. But in the back of his mind he knew perfectly well. He'd nearly lost him before. It was this deep panic inside of him to lose him again and he knew it. “I really have to get a grip on this.”

Being overly protective wasn’t something that suited him really, yet he was well aware of becoming the best version of an old grandmother there was if he didn’t watch it. He nearly had to giggle imagining himself running after Leo all the time. And somehow, his brain managed to magically transfer himself into a washed out night gown doing so. No, that definitely wasn’t him. Gosh, Max. Get yourself together.

“I’m overworked, that’s all,” he thought, suppressing his laughter.

“What’s so funny?”

Max nearly jumped, hearing a voice next to him, throwing his arms to the sky in shock. With shocked eyes he looked into the rather amused face of Carmen, who stood next to him smiling brightly and initially leaning against the cold brick-stone wall with one arm, supporting his head with his hand while tousling through his wild curls. He must have been standing there for a while now, judged by his relaxed look. Possibly because the lights of the stage couldn’t reach him here and the rough stone wall was one of the few places providing some cool.

“Never do that again!” Max hat his troubles keeping his voice down, while grabbing for his heart and taking a deep breath. “Holy shit… Jesus!”

Carmen on the other hand started to chuckle.

I’m sorry,” he answered. “Didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Well, you did,” Max looked up at him again, but had to smile. What are you doing back here?”

“I assume the same as you,” he still laughed. “Getting out of sight for a moment. And trying to get out of this hell that is the heat of these headlamps.”

Wiping away some pearl of sweat from his forehead, he watched Max for another moment and still lightened up on him trying to catch his breath.

“So, why are you sneaking around back here?” Carmen asked again.

Max looked at him but quickly took his gaze away again. Good question. He was basically just trying to get out of sight from Leo so he wouldn’t notice him going after him. But was that a reason? He could tell Carmen that, of course. But surely it would lead to him wanting to talk to Leo immediately. Or maybe he would think of Max being just silly for worrying too much; for just hearing the pin drop over a silly movement of shaking hands. After all, this could have had a thousand possible reasons.

Or maybe he would calm Max a little. For he knew Leo pretty well too. And possibly he would just find the perfect answer for Max’s alarm bells ringing. This was Carmen after all. Max had no reason whatsoever to mistrust him.

So he sighed and leaned next to Carmen to the wall, crossing his arms in front of his body.

“Oh that face,” Carmen looked straight ahead.

“What?”

“Alright, what’s bothering you?” Carmen asked, smiling softly. “That face means nothing good, really.”

Max turned his head to him and felt that unfamiliar smile of affection towards the younger man in front of him appear in the corners of his mouth.

“You know, you’ve got the once in a lifetime chance right now to talk,” Carmen continued even more amused, grinning widely at the older man. “Doctor Ghia's office for the incurable communication resisters is open for a private little chat with no extra fees whatsoever.”

Max snorted.

“You’ve been wanting to say that for long, haven’t you?” he asked with tears in his eyes.

“One thing to cut from my wanting-to-do- list,” Carmen grinned back. “Lucky me!”

“Communication resisters?”

Carmen nodded, raising his eyebrows in agreement.

“Max, please,” he continued a little more sincere. “I’ve seen that face before and believe me, I know what worried looks like in your eyes.”

Max’s face fell and he looked down to his feet. Of course, he knew what Carmen meant. So, once again he sighed.

“I fear I'm transforming into someone I never wanted to be,” he answered truthfully.

“A grumpy old loner?” Carmen grinned.

“I don’t think I need practice on that,” Max shot back sarcastically.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Carmen answered, looking at Roger again, who was performing some kind of rage-like dance right now. “I mean it. You’re not like that at all, so no need to act as though you wouldn’t need someone to listen. Everyone needs them from time to time.”

Max watched him as he listened. Ever since Carmen and him laid down their unjustified distrust for each other, he seemed to have developed a sixth sense for his moods and thoughts. So why was this so hard? Carmen himself had dared to trust him first and talk to him when he couldn’t with anyone else. But as always, old manners were hard to come by. This little jump wouldn’t hurt him though.

Max closed his eyes as if he hoped it would be safer for him.

“It's Leo,” he answered silently.

“Oh, surprise,” Carmen grinned at him, still holding his arms folded.

“You knew?”

“It’s quite funny to witness, how you keep running around him all the time,” Carmen kept on, looking at Max now though with soft eyes. “Pretty unusual for you, if you ask me. But it brings out another new side on you I find quite charming, I must admit.”

“He's somehow scurrying again,” Max tried to explain. And behaving very introverted as well. He's been doing so great in the past couple of months but now, I sometimes get the impression he’s returning to that shy self of his.”

“And can you blame him?” Carmen smiled.

“What? Why?”

“Max, don't you worry so much,” he put his hand on Max’s shoulder. “After all he has been through, it’s not unusual for him to slow down a bit from time to time. I’d worry if he acted otherwise to be honest. Yes, he seems a little quieter, I’ve noticed too. But I think he’s still recovering and probably he’s tired as well. Plus, both of you have been working a lot lately.”

Max nodded and had to smirk. How silly of him. Of course, Carmen was right.

“I never thought I’d see the day,” Carmen leaned his head against his hands again.

“What?” Max answered pretty amused.

“Max, Max. You’re not developing more heart than any other of us, are you?” he didn’t take his eyes away, despite the immediate blush on Max’s face. “Honestly, though. It's cute you worry and very understandable. It really is. But I guess you can calm down a little. Try not to overwhelm him with this care. Let him come to you. As far as I know Leo he will talk if there’s anything going on anyway. He’s not exactly the secretive kind. And if it's really too much work right now, take a night off.”

“I couldn’t…”

“Why yes, you can,” he I interrupted him quickly. “We’ve got this here. Trust me. Take Leo with you and invest some time in you and him. Believe me, it’ll work miracles.”

Did he mean this? Max almost didn’t believe his ears. And he felt a wide smile appear on his face, relieving a lot of the stress that had build up lately. Somehow this idea brightened him up a whole deal.

“Thank you. I guess I should book an appointment with Dr. Ghia more often, don’t you think?,” he hugged Carmen shortly and hurried off quickly, leaving a rather bewildered Carmen where he was. It even took him a moment or two to grasp what had just happened. He turned after Max slowly and jeered.

“Well, who would have thought that?” he whispered to himself before turning back to Roger, who already sounded hoarse from screaming the whole time. And when it looked suspiciously like he was going to throw some chairs at the actors who stood there still unimpressed, Carmen shook his head and had to laugh. Oh well, always the same.

___________

“It was nice of them to let you take the evening off.”

Leo glanced around.

The restaurant they’d decided to visit was quite cozy he must admit. With only a few round tables, all decorated in white satin while the walls were hung with huge velvet curtains of white red and the only lights that shone though the growing darkness of the evening were the thousand of candles standing lit up on the tables and on large shelves across the huge room.

A nice soft melody of piano music was in the air; enough to notice it and muffle the noises of the people around them but not too loud to be disturbing. The place itself was small and hidden in the thousands of little side alleys of New York. Something not everyone knew about and Leo quite liked the feeling of this. Like a secret. Something only them knew about. A treasure within this maze of gray the city could be. And since they hadn’t been out in months, the tickling sensation of enjoyment started to spread all over him rather quickly almost covering up the heavy weight of tiredness that his body had become.

“Well, there needs to be some time for you as well,” Max smiled at him innocently. “I haven’t had much time for you lately and I am sorry about that.”

Leo on the other hand just shook his head, looking outside the huge stained window in front of them.

“We both had a lot to do,” he stopped shortly and turned his face to Max, replying to that smile. “It's nothing so unusual to us really. After all, we haven’t had this phase of production for the first time, right?”

“Yeah,” he replied and his face fell a little.

Leo still looked outside. His eyes were somewhere out there and Max could see his thoughts taking flight. His long strands fell casually over his eyes and he didn’t bother to get them out of his face as he usually did when he was in conversation.

Softly the warm notes of the piano mixed with the pelting of heavy raindrops against the windows. They were silent at first but soon grew to underline the music inside with a loud and dull drum base. The sight became blurry and the street steadily transformed into a mirror of the people rushing by, reflecting them vaguely.

Leo stared into space; his eyes dreamy and far away. It almost appeared a dark shadow hung above his head that moment. Max noticed immediately, but didn’t dare to say anything. Was it really him being too worried? He wasn’t sure.

“Listen,” he hesitantly started. “How about taking tomorrow off as well and just use the day to relax a little?”

Leo turned his head and looked surprised.

“I just think maybe you…we…we could both need a little rest,” Max looked away quickly, feeling that embarrassing blush appear again. He knew Leo could look right through him. And the slightest movement would reveal him for sure.

“What are you talking about?” Leo answered calmly. “We're in the middle of production. You cannot mean this.”
“I…I just thought it'd be a nice change and give us some time to…”

Whoa what was happening here? Did they change roles? Max didn’t believe his own words.

“Us?” Leo interrupted him and smiled.

Damn. He knew.

“Yes, I mean …,” Max stuttered.

“Max?” Leo now turned his whole body in his direction as well, taking the arm off that backrest where he had been holding it until now, but keeping his hands under the table still. “What is this about?”

Max had no chance. He knew he’d lost that one the moment Leo turned his eyes on him. There was nothing he could say to justify not returning his gaze and if Leo really didn’t see through these poor attempts of caring until now, he would be able to conclude any moment with certainty.

A little unsure, he lifted his head and as soon as their eyes met, it didn’t matter what he would answer.

“I…”

“I’ve been thinking about Clara lately,” Leo shot.

Max was so taken aback by that sudden change of topic he pulled his head back a little astonished.

“Clara?” he managed to mumble and saw Leo nodding.

“I bet he would have loved to take us somewhere to get rid of that tiredness. You know like a nice place with many different people to give the opportunities on different thoughts for a while,” Leo looked outside again. “He would surely manage to cheer us up.”

Max hesitated. It's been over a year since Clara had left them. He didn’t quite know what to say.
But Leo seemed to have noticed that as well.

“I…I’m sorry,” Leo flung around again. “I … I didn’t mean…you…"

“So, I wasn’t wrong, you need some cheering up,” Max looked down again; his voice hardly recognizable; answering do quietly.

“What? No…, I mean …I…” Leo coughed once, taking his hand to his mouth. In that split second Max saw the shivering again. His eyes widened, but Leo put it down immediately again. He seemed to notice something else that moment. “Wait a minute. You were indeed trying to find out, weren't you? Don’t you believe me?”

“Leo,” Max tried to calm him down. “Relax, I’m sorry. But after your reaction today in the theatre I thought maybe it's a little much right now and…”

“I told you it was nothing,” Leo’s voice grew louder, causing the first guests around them to turn.
Max was surprised by that sudden outburst. It wasn’t exactly how Leo would usually react.

“You were shivering,” he snapped back but held his voice down still. He wasn’t even angry but more than worried now.

Whereas Leo seemed to be alarmed by that notion even more. “I don’t know what you think you’ve seen but it ain’t true! I made that clear,” he almost jumped up in agitation. “Do you understand?”

“Alright! Alright! I’m sorry… do you hear me?” Max tried desperately to control this sure to be panic attack of his partner again. “I am sorry. Leo please, I didn’t mean to upset you!”

Leo still stared at him infuriated but it was clearly visible he was listening. He stopped for a second but then decided to believe his partner. So, he took a deep breath and leaned back slowly.

“I’m really sorry,” Max repeated, still having his hands up in the air. “I was just….”

“No, I am sorry,” Leo took yet another breath and looked outside again. “I know you’ve been worrying. I shouldn’t have screamed.”

He turned his head again to look outside and continue his sad eyes stare. But neither did he move his body away from Max, nor did he take his hands up from under that table. Max noticed in surprise. It was hard to see this. And even harder to know that strange feeling creeping up inside again. And it was that moment he was fully aware of Leo lying to him. At least about that matter. Something was indeed wrong. Incredibly wrong.

It only took a heartbeat for Max to count down every single question in his head. Was he being sick? Did he hurt himself? Leo’d suffered from a serious head-injury about a year ago… were there aftermaths? What the hell was it he was hiding here? What was wrong with Leo? His Leo? His partner; the one Max himself found his whole reason in?

One thing was sure though, he would never tell. Another point that made Max extremely suspicious. He could feel it clearly. Leo told him everything. Always. Even the things he never wanted anyone to know. So what the hell was this about?

Max took a deep breath, staring at Leo’s face for another couple of minutes. But then he also was interrupted by the sound of the rain on the windows again.

What could he do? If Leo was in pain, he could surely help him. They could find someone to help. Or pay someone to do so. But if he wouldn't tell… who was he to force him?

On the other hand, he was Max Bialystock for heaven’s sake. He could find out. Nothing ever got past him. Max even heard that little voice in his head telling him what to do. But he didn’t spent one second thinking about it being the right thing to do.

“I shouldn’t worry,” Max started anew. “I know you can take care for yourself. It just…”

“I know,” Leo answered and their eyes met once more. His stare right through him gave Max goosebumps. “But I survived that bat. And you can’t watch every step I’m doing.”

“Right,” Max poured some wine into the two glasses in front of them. Once they were filled, he handed one to Leo, nodding approvingly. “Let’s just forget about this little incident, shall we?”

Leo waited one second, but then his face relaxed and he even managed to be close to something Max would call a smile.

It was infecting. Max put on his brightest face as well, carefully swiveling the glass in his hands.

“Come on,” he thought.

Leo seemed to have calmed down though. He sniffed once, using his sleeve to rub over his face once, but then grabbing after the glass.

It took only one second and he found himself in the grip of Max, who had rushed forward, holding Leo’s arm perfectly still with his own hand. He’d bend forward over the table to do so and for a felt eternity the time seemed to stop. The glass fell to the ground and in a loud crash shattered into a thousand pieces, right next to them, causing the floor to dye itself dark red in seconds.

Leo’s eyes were teared wide open and as much as he might wanted to, he just couldn't move or take his gaze away from Max. He’d hardly ever seen him move so quickly nor had he expected this in the slightest.

The older man on the other hand didn’t look too friendly anymore. His glance froze at Leo’s hand he held up in the air. He didn’t even notice his grip on Leo’s arm becoming painfully tight, seeing what he saw.

Leo’s hand was shivering as though he’d just held it inside a bucket of crushed ice for half an hour, while the rest of his body was perfectly still.

Max didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t move. He just kept on staring and he could feel cold sweat of a deep angst appearing on his forehead.

But then, without any further warning, the former accountant freed himself from Max’s grip with just one powerful push.

Max kept staring at him in disbelief, his mouth open as if he was about to say something. But as hard as he tried, nothing came out.

“Leo….,” he managed to whisper.

“Why?” Leo started and for a second looked like he was about to cry any moment. But then, he pulled his hand closer to himself and his it behind his other hand. It wasn’t much use though, for the shivering was still very clearly there.

“I told you it's nothing!” he squeaked, still completely in shock.

“Nothing? Leo!”

“I-I've hurt myself the other day,” his words became faster and faster up to the point Max wondered if he even took a breath in between. “I had a little accident in the kitchen. A dumb little thing, nothing too important. I’ve cut myself. Possible I’ve hit some nerves or something. It'll heal in no time. It's not important…”

“Are you kidding me?” Max answered, still shocked. “Look at your hand, Leo. There’s no wound whatsoever. And even if… you managed to cut both your hands at once? Do take me for a fool?”

He pointed at his hand hesitantly. Leo followed him with his eyes slowly and appeared to just notice that moment his story was impossible. He didn’t dare to move. His shocked face didn’t even focus on his hands really. He needed a plausible reason. And quick.

“Leo, what is this about?” he heard Max’s voice as though he was standing in a good distance fro him. “Tell me what’s going on here, for heaven’s sake!”

Leo couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t listen to that voice that moment. So reproachful. So demanding. So unlike Max, it felt like a stranger screaming at him. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t answer.

Max’s blood froze when Leo grabbed one of the silver shiny knives laying in fro t of them on the table in a mad speed and without hesitation rammed it into his hand.

Max was on his feet without really noticing it. He didn’t hear the gasps of the staring people around them, nor the shattering of the knife falling down when Leo let go of it. All he did was almost jumping back a few inches as his partner turned to him without warning, impacting his hands on the table with a forceful punch. Immediately the white satin became red from the blood of his hand.

“No wound?” Leo screamed at him on top of his voice and in an anger Max himself wouldn’t have been capable of. “Now, how's that?”

He held his hand up for all to see. The shivering had increased and blood was dripping from it like water.
Max almost fell backwards in shock. He couldn’t answer. He just kept staring at Leo with terrified eyes.
Was this Leo? He wasn’t sure anymore. This was so unlike Leo. His Leo. These cold eyes. That loud thundering voice. And that blood…

“Satisfied now?” the younger man screamed again, just as though completely out of his mind.

Then he grabbed his hand and literally ran to the entrance door, only to vanish outside seconds later.
Max was staring after him in shock.

Two or three waiters were immediately by his side, trying to clean up the biggest mess and asking him over and over again if he was right.

Max didn’t hear them.

Slowly he turned his head to the table.

The red puddles of blood kept bleeding through the cloth, making the blood spot appear like a new pattern of decoration, which slowly spread all over the table.

Max had to brace himself, not being able to breathe or even move still.

What had just happened?

~ to be continued ~

Chapter 3: Doubting

Chapter Text

Do you remember that day?

Our eyes met. One moment only. And I had known you'd recognized me. If only for a minute.

You were standing down there in the wings of that huge stage. I was in one of the balconies like a thousand times before. I knew who you were. As did everyone around me. And how I admired what you were capable of.

But that moment…

You looked at me in surprise. And somehow I couldn't believe you'd noticed me. Among thousands. In that huge theatre. We both knew; we both somehow felt that connection yet none of us could grasp it.

If I had known I'd be on my way to you the very next day, I surely would have been a nervous wreck. But I didn't know. Neither that nor that you would be the one changing my life forever. Without ever wanting to know more than you needed to know.

Do you remember that day?

___________________________

Max almost ran the way back to the office without really noticing it.

It was already dark outside and the streets had stopped appearing familiar. Only the streetlights and the many vehicles always buzzing around the city have the artificial bright lights he usually didn't even notice. But now they let shadows evolve out of nowhere and Max saw Leo in every stranger's face that passed him.

"Please, be home," he thought desperately.

His mind was spinning; his heart racing. Whatever had happened back in that restaurant, he knew he couldn't find any plausible explanation without having found Leo first. What's gotten into him anyway? What made him do such an act?

Max blamed himself. He shouldn't have tricked him into showing his hands in the first place but Leo had never been the kind to hurt himself on purpose. And he certainly had never been the kind not to tell what was going on. God damn it, he was the one always insisting communication is everything. And always talked about everything that was on his mind all day long. So, when did this change? And more importantly, what led him to do such a thing? A cut like the one he caused himself wasn't something to take easy.

Max felt sick thinking about it. And as much as he tried, he couldn't get rid of those eyes. Never for once had Leo looked at him that coldly. Just like a stranger; like everybody else. Never had it been this clear something wasn't right. And never before had he had such panic of what might happen to Leo if he wasn't home.

The echo of his steps on the concreted street came back to him from the monstrous buildings around him. His heart was slamming against his chest and his breath as loud as thunder in his ears. Sweat run down his forehead, but he didn't even think about slowing down.

This wasn't true. He had lost him before. Something he never wanted to go through again. But never before had Leo himself caused that feeling.

Max didn't dare to think of the possibility of him not being found. Of what might happen if Leo wasn't where he so desperately wanted to find him.

He reached Shubert Alley without having counted the endless roads he had passed and as soon as he'd opened the door, he flew up the stairs and almost broke their front door up by stemming his whole weight against it. Only then he stopped, breathing heavily.

The black shades of night spread over the huge office room. A ghostly silence vibrated from the walls back to him. The refrigerator from the kitchen hummed its welcoming tune in a low vibrato and the dull steps from the neighbors on the wooden floor pressed themselves through the walls.

Max listened carefully. His lungs felt as though they would explode any second and his heartbeat sounded like someone banging a drum inside of him. But apart from that there was nothing. Not a single sound of someone might being there.

Slowly he closed the door, leaning his head to it for a second as it snapped in with a metallic clicking. Max's eyes were teared wide open and only now he noticed how much he still needed to calm down to catch his breath again. But there was something else nagging inside. Staring at his feet with his heated head pressed gently against the cooling glass of the office door, one thought only shot through his head.

"What now?"

If only there was a logical answer to that. He could of course call Roger and Carmen. But how to explain this? What on earth was he supposed to say when no words in the world could bring some clarity to himself.

His eyes wandered down the to the floor and suddenly his mind was within the room again. He noticed himself holding his breath and felt his blood curdle for a split second. He could see his own feet tracing footprints on the floor. Just as though he'd stepped into some puddles, which if he was being honest was very well possible. But these were different. These were…

Max's head shot up in the air again. In a never known speed his eyes scanned the room again, while his fingers searched for the switch to turn on the light. As the soft click cut through the numbness of that thickening silence and the lights illuminated the familiar office, he gasped slightly, nearly stumbling back a few steps.

Thick drops of blood were spread all over the wooden floor, building a thin track which led past the desk and past the leathered couch straight to the bathroom. The door was closed and there weren't any signs of light inside but Max knew it wasn't always visible from the outside.

So he slowly moved towards the door, careful not to step into that bloody line in front of him. Each step of him echoed back to him in a loud crack of the wood underneath his feet. And the few steps to the door seemed like an eternity that moment. Max couldn't even say if there were any thoughts in him at all. Or any feelings apart from that huge overwhelming angst.

Hesitantly, he knocked on the door.

"Leo?" his voice was shaky and sounded so unlike himself, he couldn't believe it.

He pressed his ear to the door.

Someone was opening the tab. He could clearly hear water streaming. So he must be in there. No doubt left.

"Leo, open the door," he heard his voice getting a little steadier.

"Go away," he heard the familiar voice from inside. Loud and clear.

For that one moment Max felt as though a huge burden was taken from him. Leo was in there. At least that. But whatever happened to him wasn't yet clear.

"Leo, please!" he pleaded again.

"Go!" Leo's voice sounded once more. "Please! I'm fine…"

Max took a deep breath. He didn't believe one word. And even if his life depended on it, he didn't think about going now. Leo's voice had changed. He sounded more like the Leo he'd always been. Shy and almost close to tears. So, Max straightened up. Enough of this!

"I'm coming in," he spoke determinedly and added in his head: "Whether you like it or not!"

He stemmed his whole weight against the door only seconds later. Nothing. Surely Leo must have locked the door from the inside. Damn it, Leo!

He tried again and again, up to the point where his shoulder started to hurt. But Max didn't mind. All he wanted was that damn door to open. Whatever was happening behind it, he was not sure, but he knew one thing: he was prepared for anything.

Then, with a loud crack the lock of the door couldn't stand up against this pressure anymore and sprung open. Max almost fell inside the bathroom; only being able to hold his balance in the nick of time.

Leo looked at him shocked.

He found him sitting at the edge of the bathtub, holding his hand underneath the water from the pouring tab. His body was bent slightly with his feet being the only hold on the tiled ground. He looked pale, with deep shadows under his red eyes and his brown hair hanging in wet strands down his face. He must've been crying. His swollen eyes and the watery look of Leo's long eyelashes were indication enough.

Their eyes met.

As much as he wanted to, Max was not able to say the million things he wanted to when he had been standing in front of that door. He saw Leo there in front of him, looking at him with these heartbreaking eyes; in this almost pathetic state. The water splashing down the tub was the only sound around them and the blood from Leo's injured hand was mixing up with it, so it looked like a red waterfall, splashing around so the dry parts of the tub was already covered in tiny red blobs. All Max managed was to bite his lips.

Leo noticed. His reaction spoke volumes. Without hesitation his eyes filled with tears, he obviously wasn't able to hold back. And seconds later tears started to run down his face, but he didn't break the eye contact with Max.

"It just won't stop bleeding," he cried silently and almost not audible.

And for that one moment Max felt incredibly calm. Without hesitation he walked over to Leo and sat down next to him on the tub. Gently he took his wounded hand into his own to look at it. He treated it very carefully, just as though he was carrying an extremely precious cargo.

Leo let him proceed without any words. He only sniffed once or twice.

"Here, try this," Max said silently and with a voice so maternal, he'd never experienced it himself before.

He took a towel hanging nearby and carefully pressed it on the wound, always trying not to use too much pressure. Leo squinted his eyes and flinched once but only slightly when the loth touched his skin.

They sat there for a couple of minutes without saying anything. Their eyes were on the towel that dyed red quickly. At one point though Max reached over to the tab and turned of the water, which made the room even quieter. In a way they thought their silent breaths echoed from the walls back to them and an eerie tinkling of water vapor could almost been perceived. And apart from the occasional dripping of the still wet tab and Leo's sniffs there was nothing.

The vast amount of Max's thoughts slightly and unnoticeably turned into scanning through all sort of ways of how to stop this hand from bleeding.

"You got lucky it was your right hand," Max said after what seemed like hours; still very calmly and more under his breath than really out loud. He felt Leo nodding without looking up. And he meant it. Knowing Leo was a left hander, this could save him a lot of trouble now after it had happened. For Max knew perfectly well, that this wound could lead to a longer torture healing, if not damaging the hand completely or at least leave some complications.

Leo didn't respond. His hand sunk a little and it looked very much like he was regretting it deeply. When he squinted his eyes once more, Max finally lifted his head in surprise.

"Does it hurt still?" he asked a little afraid he caused it.

"It hurts like hell," Leo responded then trying to move his fingers slightly, but Max stopped him immediately.

"No, don't! You'll make it worse," he softly cupped Leo's hand into his own once more.

"What could be worse?" Leo replied silently, still staring down. "I did this, don't forget… I deserve that pain."

"Don't say that!"

"Oh, it's true," Leo's head shot up. Max could see tears in his eyes again, but this time it appeared not the pain was causing them, but a deep remorse about his own actions. "And you know it!"

Leo's eyes were fixated on his partner's almost as if he expected a lecture or at least a lot of questions, meanwhile knowing perfectly well he deserved every harsh word existing in the dictionary today.

But Max shook his head.

"I shouldn't have tricked you into showing me," his voice sounded almost as uncertain as before now. "I know….I know you hate me worrying too much."

"It's not your part to play," Leo fell into his words.

"I know…," Max lifted his hand slightly and stroke over Leo's cheek once. "I just can't help it. If something was wrong with you, I…. I just…"

Somehow he couldn't say it. Damn it, Max! There it was again. That old barrier he somehow was not able to surpass.

"I'm just…," Leo started without letting Max finish. "I'm so incredibly tired. Like…all the time. And you're hardly there. You work all day and I only see glimpses of you during rehearsals."

Max didn't take his eyes away but at the same time didn't dare to move one muscle.

"And there's that feeling," Leo continued, looking up to the ceiling. "I haven't felt like that in a long long time but it's there. I can sense it creeping up. And I just don't know what will happen…"

"What do you mean? What's gonna happen?" Max sounded agitated all of a sudden. He felt immediately how his body started to stiffen again.

But Leo only teared his eyes wider open and backed away from him a little. It took him a minute or two to really get what he had just told him, but then he shook his head and avoided Max's eyes again as good as he could.

"I'm sorry," he answered quietly. "Forget what I just said. I am tired and mixing things up."

Max didn't believe him.

What the heck was happening here? This was Leo, sure…But which version exactly? It wasn't that screaming, furious man from back in that restaurant anymore. Thank God for that. But it wasn't the funny, smart, grown up version of him either he had become ever since the events fro a year before. No, this was a Leo Max had believed to have vanished long before. This was Leo. The way he had been when they had first met. Shy, insecure, almost a child. Only with a much darker touch to him. So, how on earth could someone switch between who he had been and who he will be cone this quickly? What was the decisive aspect here? He wasn't able to tell. Leo had never behaved like that in the past ten years. Heavens, he'd rammed a knife into his hand!

What was wrong here?

"It stopped bleeding," Max said, witnessing his hand once more. "Can you stand?"

Leo nodded. "Why?"

"Because this needs stitches," Max put away that blood-soaked towel and reached for a new clean one, carefully binding it around Leo's hand. "Come on. Let's go see a doctor."

He offered Leo his arm and his heart almost jumped for joy when Leo grabbed it without hesitation and pulled himself up. This was definitely meaning he trusted him still and wasn't gonna get angry once more.

And just for this thought alone, Max could have slapped himself across the face.

This was so far apart from them than any time before.

________________________

They appeared in the theatre the next day without letting it shine through what had happened the night before. But of course Leo's bandaged hand attracted attention within the first one and half minute they entered. And there was no way of overlooking it.

The doctor had out a huge bandage on it and Leo was kind of forced to keep it still. So usually let his hand hang loosely by his side without moving it in the slightest. A very unnatural way of movements were the result of this and of course people were bound to notice.

And of course there were Carmen and Roger who literally were by their sides immediately. They of course acted overwhelmingly shocked and almost as though Leo had just lost half his arm, both eyes and a good deal of his hair as well.

"Oh my God, what happened?" they asked, looking from Leo to Max and back. They had a way of moving like being just one person when in excitement; just as though they had choreographed their movements a hundred times over just to be prepared in case something unexpected happened one day.

"I er….," Leo started but they didn't even let him really answer.

"Did you fall?" Roger put his hand on his shoulder in affection as soon as Leo had started his reply.

"Did you break it?" Carmen patted his arm.

"Who did that?"

"Have you been attacked?"

"Looks bad. Tell his name and this bastard will regret it."

Leo blushed as far as his ears immediately and looked down to the ground. Max could see his body almost shaking and could tell their never ending questions made it even more embarrassing for him to explain anything. And Max could feel him. He himself would be intimidated by them. How was Leo supposed to explain this? What should he even say?

So, quickly, he jumped in.

"It was a little accident in the kitchen," he smiled at them while pushing Leo softly out of their grip. "It's not as bad as it looks. Don't you worry. He'll be fine in no time again."

Leo looked at him in a mixture of thankfulness and incomprehension. What it really was, Max could not tell but he was grateful for him not saying anything that moment, which probably suited the young man as well.

"Now please, let him breathe for a moment," Max still smiled at Roger and Carmen who simultaneously raised their eyebrows. It was their way to signalize they didn't believe one word that was thrown at them right now. Max knew. He knew them and he could tell. But it didn't matter that moment. "You can worry about him during the next break."

Thus he pushed Leo even further away from them. Usually Leo would take his seat in front of the stage and bury himself underneath the paperwork for the next couple of hours, but Max had other plans.

He led him straight towards the backstage area and, more importantly, out of sight from everyone to look at him as if he was on display.

"Thank you," Leo shyly addressed him once they were out of sight.

"They didn't believe it," Max looked straight ahead still. He didn't know how to react. "It's possible they ask again, you know that."

"Could we….could we stay with the kitchen story?" Leo stopped and looked at him with an expression of a child just having lost his toy.

Max stopped as well and turned to face Leo. He didn't answer right away but thought about it for a second. Then he let his head sink, closed his eyes and sighed.

"I'm not sure, if I can lie to Roger or Carmen," Max replied, looking up again. Their eyes met and Leo knew he was being sincere. "I'm not feeling comfortable with that to be honest. But for the rest….I think we can easily remain with a kitchen-incident."

Leo opened his mouth as if he wanted to argue, but then he swallowed it and looked away.

"Thank you," he nodded. "I… I think I should go to work now."

He didn't waste another look on Max but lowered his head and turned his back on his partner, leaving him without further recognition. And as soon as he vanished into the dark of the stage room again, Max sighed heavily, looking after him.

"What is the matter with you?" he thought. It was so plain to see even though Leo tried hard to hold up the mask he was wearing. To hold back what was there. Unspoken but still like a huge gap between them.

Maybe he should have asked him about this attacking himself- thing. The explanation would have been a good one to hear. If he had explained anything at all, that is to say. And Max wasn't exactly sure this was what Leo had done. No, it was more than possible he'd have done anything like that again. A risk he simply hadn't been willing to take.

Max leaned his head to the gray cold wall, slowly rubbing his neck and closing his eyes just for a second. He felt tired and stressed. In a way Leo was right about one thing. That new position really demanded everything and he indeed wasn't home often anymore. So maybe this was his fault…

"Maybe I would have noticed about his feelings if I had been," Max thought. "Maybe, if I had been there…"

Plus, the night had been horrible. He had barely slept at all and even now he wasn't so sure if bringing Leo here had been the right move. Maybe he was better off at home in bed.

Standing there with his eye closed though, now brought a certain kind of warm dizziness upon himself and maybe in bed was the place Max himself should be right now too.

Quickly he leaned back and opened his eyes again in order to reduce the risk of really falling asleep standing there...

His eyes wandered up to the ceiling. He watched the old rusty fans moving around in squeaking circles and noticed how his mind wandered back to the last night. They had spent it in the hospital until four in the morning. Leo's hand had been stitched several times and bandaged afterwards. He should not move it too much.

Also there indeed was a risk remaining.

"The cut is very deep," the doctor had said to him whilst Leo was out of earshot. "He severed several nerves and it is very well possible he won't be able to use that hand again."

Max had looked at him shocked. "But it could heal as well?"

"It could," the doctor had nodded. "But I can't make a prediction now. We'll have to wait. The next few weeks will be crucial, I'm afraid."

Again, Max sighed… He felt do helpless in a way. And Leo was still behaving as though it had been a kitchen accident… And how on earth could he talk to anyone about this?

He put his hand on his forehead, enjoying the darkness for a moment and for once he felt it was not Leo but himself about to go crazy right now.

______________________

Leo walked around the stage, always remaining in the safety of the darkness behind the burning lights. In a way it felt more secure to wander outside of the spotlight of the crew and the actors. He feared he had to explain too much. A fact he couldn't deny, although he noticed how strangely long ago it was that he had last felt like that. Hell, this was a cut from being too clumsy in the kitchen…

He looked at his bandaged hand and resisted the temptation to form it to a fist.

Normally he would have been stating this fact once and then smile all the doubters away. Or he would go over to Carmen, who usually stood aside the stage when Roger was in the middle of his directing and laugh with him about everything the director exaggerated.

But now, he feared these questions. He couldn't explain it. It was like his barrier had been fallen inside of him and there he was: naked, insecure and anxious lingering behind these ruins, waiting to be attacked from the dangers outside. Worst part was that he knew how strong this feeling was and how it seemingly rose into unknown heights out of nowhere but as much as he tried, he couldn't do anything about it. He had tried to fight it. Back in that restaurant. He didn't even know what it had been that had pushed him over the edge that moment apart from the shock of Max grabbing him. But he remembered that moment as if it was only five minutes away.

Something inside of him just clicked and he did…well, what he had done. He remembered everything though. That feeling when his arm reached for that knife. The moment the hard cold steel had cut through his skin and the stabbing pain that had shot not only through his hand but through his entire body instantly. And that anger. That indescribable huge anger screaming inside his head that very moment. He had no logical explanation where it came from. He didn't even remember ever having felt anything alike in his whole life. It had been as though someone else having acted through him. As if he had been an outside observer of himself acting like a lunatic without the slightest control of his own body.

Leo clenched his teeth staring down to the ground and only seconds later he felt tears rising up in his eyes again. Quickly he shook his head and rubbed over his face with his sleeve. He couldn't risk letting anyone see this.

"Why is this happening now?" he thought, leaning his shoulder to a wall. He sighed deeply.

But then he was interrupted by the clacking sound of steps on the stones floor behind him. He teared his eyes wide open and turned around.

There was no one to be seen. Leo squinted his eyes slightly. Sometimes it was hard to see through the darkness of these theatres and making out someone could be really tricky.

He scanned his surrounding once more. No. There was no one.

Slowly he turned.

"Odd," he thought. "I swear I've heard someone."

He shrugged slightly and was about to turn again and move on to finally start working again. But just as though a lightning bolt shot through him that very moment, he stopped again when the steps appeared once more; this time even closer to him than before.

Hastily he turned around again only to find that huge empty space in front of himself once more.

Leo could feel cold sweat appear on his forehead. He lifted his shoulders and in an instance he felt his neck hair stand on end which made his stomach almost flip. This feeling wasn't good. Oh no, not at all. He could sense eyes on him but obviously that someone didn't want to be seen.

Leo stepped backwards but froze the very next second. Whoever this was, it couldn't mean anything good.

"Who is there?" he yelled all of a sudden, still staring into that darkness. "Show yourself!"

But again nothing happened. Leo started to feel a deep panic arising inside of him. His whole body was alerted by now and he saw his chest rising and falling in a growing rhythm.

And then he saw a movement. Behind one of the wing curtains.

"Carmen? " he asked cautiously. "Is this you?"

He held his breath and stepped a little closer towards that curtain.

A mistake he would regret in a heartbeat.

Leo almost fell backwards when a figure appeared from behind it; only standing there without moving any further in his direction. A tall young man; slender in a way. His long dark curls fell gently on his shoulders. At least the parts hanging loosely. The rest was tied back with what seemed like a bandala. And was he wearing a skirt. And he simply stared back at the young man with his deep brown eyes.

Leo's eyes widened in shock and he froze completely.

"This cannot be," he heard himself whisper. Even if he felt like screaming it out loud, he couldn't bring out more than a hoarse whisper seeing this. "How…. How is this possible?"

But just when these words escaped his mouth, that man turned quickly and started to run in the opposite direction. Leo didn't remain where he was like being frozen though.

"No! Wait!"

He started to run without really telling his feet to do so. And he was fast. He followed that shadow as fast as he could, ignoring the loud beating of his heart. He didn't even hear the thundering of his steps when he turned yet another of the small corners leading into another narrow corridor.

His eyes were only focused on the little rest of hair he could always see from that person whenever he disappeared behind such corner. Once or twice he bombed a wall with his shoulder but kept ignoring the pain and instead only kept on running.

He came to a sudden stop when another person walked into his way carelessly, looking rather shocked when Leo neared him.

Leo gasped. He tried to stop but it was to late and only one second later he found himself on the ground; on top of Carmen who didn't move for a moment.

"Ouch," he heard him scream in his high-pitched diva voice, rubbing his back. "Leo! What's gotten into you?"

"Sorry," Leo wasn't really listening but immediately scanned the corridor again to find a clue of where this person had run to. He jumped up and was on his feet again. He probably would have started to run again, if Carmen hadn't grabbed his jacket in an instance and kept him from going any further.

"Hey, what's the rush?" he asked, but his face changed immediately as he looked up into the panicking eyes of his young friend. His voice changed as well. "Leo? What's the matter?"

"I… er…," But Leo wasn't really paying attention. He struggled to get out of Carmen's grip to continue his running and he still focused on the corridor ahead of him.

"Leo?" Carmen managed to grab him by the shoulder now and kind of forced him to turn to him for once. "What is going on?"

Leo's eyes were wide in shock and his face was pale. His hair hung in long strands down his head, giving the impression he was as exhausted as he looked right now.

"Clara!" Leo looked into Carmen's eyes directly, which changed into shocked disbelief as well. "There was Clara!"

Carmen's eyes grew, but slowly he shook his head and didn't take his eyes off of him. "This isn't possible!"

"I know!" Leo now almost screamed at his friend. "I know it isn't. But believe me! He was here! Just seconds ago! Carmen! It was Clara, I swear!"

But Carmen didn't know what to say either. He stood there without moving in the slightest and with his mouth open, just listening to what Leo had just told him.

"Come on! He can't be far away," Leo grabbed Carmen's hand and dragged him along, feeling a little relief when the slender man started to follow him without hesitation.

They turned yet another corner and faced a huge metal stage door.

It was only one look they've exchanged and both of them were on it, stemming that metallic monster open.

The daylight almost blinded them that first moment, but while Carmen was still holding his arm over his head to let his eyes get used to that brightness, Leo already turned around, running small circles around Carmen and desperately looked from one side of the alley they've landed in to the other. But apart from old dustbins and the usual tourist-run passing the streets in front of the building in the distance there was nothing to be seen.

Leo felt his breath getting even faster as he whirled around once more. Where could he have been gone this quickly? He couldn't have vanished.

"Leo, come on," Carmen crossed his arms in front of his body, watching his friend act like a scared-up rabbit. "Calm down!"

"He must be somewhere," Leo still circled Carmen hastily, whereas his companion stood completely still by now.

"Let's look at this calmly, okay?" Carmen spoke once more, still trying to catch his breath. "This…. This is just not possible. Whoever it was you've seen there…it can't have been Clara!"

And finally Leo stopped, whirling around to Carmen in desperation and screamed back at him.

"IT WAS HIM," his body started to shiver. Oh no, not again. He felt that anger arise once more. "It was Clara. I swear on everything that I know!"

"Leo…"

"No!" he yelled at the top of his voice. Tears were running down his cheeks. Tears of anger. "It was him! You…you must have seen him too. He only passed you a second before I bumped into you… There is no chance you could have missed him!"

Damn it. Why the heck wouldn't he believe him? Why was he stemming himself against the possibility he was right? He looked into Carmen's face, which turned to a more worried shape and it almost made Leo sick seeing it. That pity! That disbelief! For a moment he felt like throwing something at him. Like slapping this pitiful look out of him right here and now. He could feel his hands turn to fists already while still trying to control himself for some reason. His wounded hand immediately started to shiver and that stinging pain wandered through his arm again.

But then Carmen gently put his hands on both of Leo's shoulders, forcing him to stand still. And he kept on staring at the younger man until he finally gained more control of his breaths and his body quieted down a bit.

"Leo," Carmen cupped his face in between his hands softly. "I only saw you!"

"No, no, no…you must have. I was right behind him. You must have seen him rushing by. There's no chance you could've missed him," Leo sniffed. "We weren't one second apart… you must have…"

"Leo! Leo listen to me," Carmen's face came closer to Leo's and he spoke in the warmest, softest tenor he could accomplish. "Listen…Leo. There was no one else!"

His eyes were teared wide open and he tried hard to speak that calmly. Leo could tell. But still Carmen shook his head slightly.

"There was no one," he continued. "I heard the noise you made on the floor, wondering why someone would run through the theatre like that. And when I looked out to see who it was, you ran into me."

"What?" Leo's eyes grew to a new size and he could hear his hoarse voice disappearing completely now. What the hell was he telling him there? He was there. Between the two of them. He simply must have seen…

Or…. What if this was true?

"Leo, I swear," Carmen sounded so worried all of a sudden. "It was only you running…. No one else."

These words sank deeply. And slowly. Leo could feel them like a boulder inside of him, sinking down his body, pulling him under with its weight. Suddenly he could feel his shivering legs again. And the pumping of his heart only strengthening the heaviness that overcame him.

So, slowly, he sank to his knees; his head still up in the air and his eyes set on Carmen.

"Leo?"

He heard him. But his voice sounded so far away. Just as if he was yelling from inside that building.

Leo turned his head to face the crowds cheerfully passing the alley still.

He'd seen him. He was certain about that… but was he really? Thinking back, he couldn't say for sure who he had seen there. Or perhaps if he'd seen anyone at all.

"Leo? Are you alright?"

Carmen crouched down next to him. His hand was over Leo's back again, but somehow he didn't dare to touch him.

What was this about?

Only then, Leo broke down completely, bending over and losing it. His forehead was on the ground and his arms clasped his shivering body as if it was the only thing that gave him some hold now. His tears were uncontrollably falling down to the ground and colored it in a wet look. He started to scream. A long, heartbreaking, tearing scream that echoed back from the walls around them.

It gave Carmen goosebumps. He stood there so shocked by that reaction so unlike his young friend without knowing what was going on.

"Leo…" he whispered cautiously.

It was then the younger man turned around to look at him, while crying frantically.

"Something is wrong with me…."

~ To be continued ~

Chapter 4: Knowing

Chapter Text

Max ran the whole way through the theatre. He was breathless when he approached the little office in the back. He leaned against the door; sweat running down his face.

This had to be bad…

Roger had only told him to come here because of Leo. Heaven only knew how on earth he’d gotten to know anything concerning him before himself but it hadn’t taken him more than two seconds to get to his feet. Whatever had happened, it sure didn’t sound good. Roger had refused to tell him any more… or he had been unable to do so because as soon as Leo’s name had been mentioned Max had literally felt the blood draining from his face.

Now he tried to listen. To Anything.

But there was no sound to be heard.

Funny enough this situation made him nervous. In a way he hadn’t experienced before. Maybe because he didn’t know what to expect. Or maybe cause he hadn’t slept at all that last night and his tired body just was on the edge. But right now he had to get a grip. For himself. And Leo. He was absolutely sure Roger would never have called him out of rehearsals if this wasn’t important.

His hadn’t was on the doorknob already but somehow he could not move. He just kept staring at his hand and tried to breathe, clenching his teeth so hard it was almost painful.

This was Leo. His Leo.

Somehow he couldn’t shake the feeling this had something to do with his behaviour in the past couple of days. But whatever this was about, he needed to know. He needed to be there…

So, Max opened the door carefully and for a moment was surprised himself how little of a sound he could make.

The room seemed darker than the others but mainly because the light had been switched off. And the small, compressed backstage rooms usually had a way of not getting too much daylight anyway. The small narrow windows didn’t help much either.

Max had to blink once or twice to get used to it before he could make out the silhouette of Carmen standing next to a couch and now slowly turning hushed towards Max. As soon as he recognised him, he got up - obviously letting go of Leo’s hand who was crouching on the couch next to him. Whether he was looking good or not; feeling good or not; Max couldn’t make out. For Carmen immediately jumped towards him as Max tried to step closer.

“Wait!” he almost whispered, holding up his hand and softly pushing Max outside the door again.

There was something he’d have to call worry in Carmen’s voice and it was then Max realised that treacherous cold shiver running down his spine. The only time he could recall Carmen sounding like this had been when it all had been really really serious. and this was a state he didn’t like at all.

Max almost stumbled backwards out of the room and was indeed about to yell at the taller man but Carmen was quick on closing the door behind them; always careful not to make a sound.

He then turned around and the look he gave max made him want to vomit.

He hated Carmen’s scared eyes. And the determination mixed in it. Carmen never looked like this. He was always a little sassy and carefree and sometimes loud and rushing… but never worried. Whatever he was about to say, it would tell him two things: what this was about and why he somehow should feel bad about it.

“What happened?” Max croaked in the back of his throat.

“You need to calm down,” Carmen answered silently, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“Calm down?” Max almost shrieked and backed away, a little surprised himself. “Carmen, for God’s sake… What happened to him?”

“I… I don’t know,” Carmen let his arms and his head sink, looking almost lost as well.

Max inhaled sharply.

“But it certainly won’t be good if you rush into there, bombarding him with all kinds of questions,” he continued then. “He’s not in the condition to take this right now.”

“What condition? What the hell are you talking about?” Max felt his voice almost disappearing.

“He’s had some kind of…breakdown,” Carmen looked at Max with a piercing stare that told him exactly just how serious this must have been within a second. “And I am not talking about the kinds you’ve seen before… this was… I don’t even know how to describe what this was.”

“Tell me,” Max whispered, not daring to look at Carmen. He felt his hands form to shivering fists and tried hard to fixate a spot on the door and not to move his eyes an inch away.

“Max, you really should…”

“TELL ME!” Max suddenly shouted at the top of his voice with an anger he’s never known inside himself before. “WHATEVER HAPPENED, YOU WILL TELL ME RIGHT NOW, SCOTT!”

Carmen stared at him for a second, not moving a bit. He didn’t even blink, just looking right through him. If he wasn’t able to say anything or just considered Max’s screamed plea the other man wasn’t able to tell. But just when Max inhaled again, Carmen sighed slightly, turning his eyes to the ground and away from Max while crossing his arms in front of his body again.

“Max, I…,” he started then hesitantly but quickly opened his eyes again, staring straight at the man in front of him. And something about his look had changed that very moment. Max backed away a step when he realised the pure horror mixed with incredible worry in Carmen’s eyes. “I have no idea what happened to him out there…”

Max’s eyes widened.

He wanted to scream at Carmen right now. To grab him by his chains and shake it out of him. But somehow he wasn’t able to move… He stood there rooted and simply listened carefully the the younger man.

“He saw something,” Carmen continued. “Something I swear wasn’t there. But it was real for him. So real… And once he realised what had happened, he lost it.”

“What did he see?” Max only whispered back. His mouth felt dry. And his head began to ache.

Ir took Carmen a moment to answer and - still observing him closely - Max felt like it was somehow hard for him too to speak about it.

“Clara!”

“What?” Max took a deep breath. “This can’t be…”

“I know it can’t,” Carmen interrupted him quickly. “So please, tell me what is going on here?”

Max’s eyes shot up.

“I…,” he started but couldn’t find anything to tell him apart from the truth. “He…”

“I’m talking about this strange behaviour of the both of you,” Carmen just wouldn’t let go. “You said yourself you’re worrying and the very next day he turns up here with half his hadn’t chopped off only to completely break down over someone we both know couldn’t have been there… So what is this?”

“I don’t know, okay?” Max was surprised himself by how much he screamed that statement. He only noticed though when carmen almost jumped back that very moment, staring at him still. It was like that woke him up too…

So, he lowered his head…

“He is behaving strange lately,” he almost whispered then. “But don’t you think it could just be an aftermath of his injury?”

“Could be,” Carmen nodded. “But a year later? I can’t recall ever having seen him like this…”

“Oh, you don’t know him the way I do…”

“Oh, I forgot,” Carmen jeered then. “Since you are there all the time, knowing every move he does…”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Max noticed this little side blow in an instance and felt that harsh anger arising inside of him again.

“It means you have no idea about what kind of things are still lingering there inside of him,” Carmen’s voice grew louder now too and he looked angry as well. “As far as I see it he didn’t tell you shit and you just keep on pretending.”

“I’m not pretending anything,” Max yelled back, gesturing wildly. “Heavens, he is overworked. He is tired and you know as well as I do he never took stress carelessly. So don’t act like he’s having hallucinations or whatever. He would have told me.”

“Would he?”

Max stared at Carmen for a second, uncertain about that this meant but then his face turned darker.

“I’ve seriously expected a little more empathy from you,” he spoke dangerously quiet now. “Since this kind of stuff always happens to him when you are around…”

“What?”

“You call yourself his friend,” Max continued growing louder and stepping towards Carmen now. “And you cannot imagine what all this was like for him? Being alone so much? Having experienced such trauma? Witnessing the death of someone who’d been there for him? I think it could be seen as normal he gets haunted by those images… But you just cannot understand, can you? No, because you’ve never…”

Max stopped himself that moment, his eyes teared open widely suddenly. It was only then he noticed whom he was talking to again.

Carmen didn’t move once muscle, just looked back at him with huge eyes. He looked both hurt and controlled right then but he didn’t dare to say a thing. It was more like he had to comprehend those words just now.

Max bit his lips and averted his eyes.

He shouldn’t have said this. And he knew.

Who would understand that feeling other than Carmen himself? Who’s whole life had been like this… Who had not only been the one holding Clara in his last moments back when but also in a way had been the cause of everything that had happened. And Max knew too well how much Carmen still beat himself up for everything; how much he still thought it had been his fault all along that any of them had been harmed…

And he regretted it immediately…

“Carmen, I’m sorry… I…,” he started but Carmen looked away, only closing his eyes.

“You’re right,” he answered coldly after a moment. “You take care of him…”

He gestured towards the door and then, without another word, turned around and walked away.

Immediately Max was about to follow him and apologise. He felt even more miserable right now, but just before he could open his mouth to stop Carmen from leaving, he heard a silent voice from inside the room.

His head turned and he swallowed hard.

Damn it.

Leo needed him right now. More than ever probably. So, as much as he wanted to set this right; however hard he realised having once again been the asshole in their weird little family; his priority sat behind that door and sounded suspiciously like sobbing his eyes out just that moment.

 

~***~

 

When he stepped into the room the light once again made it hard for him to see something at first. But this time he was prepared and his eyes grew accustomed to the dusty darkness much quicker.

Leo sat on that couch still, staring outside the small barred window. If Max hadn’t been absolutely certain something wasn’t right, he would have taken this as Leo’s normal daydreaming. He tended to fixate something only he seemed to have access to sometimes. And he didn’t even flinch when Max closed the door behind himself and carefully approached his partner.

 

Max watched him for a moment.

This was kind of new, even for Leo. And somehow he didn’t quite know who was more lost that very moment: himself or his partner. He wiped over his neck with one hand while trying his best to think of something to even say. But somehow Leo didn’t even look up. Thus, Max approached him and slowly sat down next to him on the couch, not daring to touch him or getting too close right now.

Then he inhaled deeply, closing his eyes. But as he opened his mouth to say something, Leo’s voice, as normal as it could be, sounded next to him which made him turn his head a bit surprised.

“You think I’ve lost it, right?”

“I…”

“You must,” Leo continued silently. “Carmen must have told you. And then…”

He turned around and looked at Max from the corner of his eyes. Max almost backed away, seeing tears glittering in them.

“He is right after all,” Leo looked down again, the tears now falling down his cheeks. “I’ve lost it. Completely and utterly lost…everything.”

“Leo…,” Max bid his lips, putting one hand on his shoulder.

But he didn’t manage to enlarge on him even more for his partner whirled around and almost fell into his arms, sobbing loudly. Max sat there flabbergasted. He didn’t know what to say or do other than wrapping his arms around the younger man and softly stroking his back, while he pressed himself as close to him as possible. Whatever happened out there, Carmen had been wrong. Leo had been wrong. If he was so very aware of something being not right, how could they even think about him having lost control over…whatever this had been?

“It’s alright,” he whispered then. “We will work this out.”

“How?” Leo still cried. “How do you want to work this out? I saw him. I swear I did. I would have given my everything Carmen had too… But…”

“Sometimes you mistake people for someone else,” Max tried to comfort him. “It has happened to everyone.”

“He felt so real,” Leo whispered next to him but didn’t dare to look up.

“Maybe because you were so convinced that person was him,” Max tried again, even though he didn’t really know what else to say. “Maybe…”

“NO!”

Leo suddenly jumped up, looking enraged. His fists were still shivering next to his body. He had troubles standing as Max could clearly see, but he was almost drilling his feet into the ground to get a good grip and stiffened.

Max backed away a little. He was surprised to say the least. Actually a little more than surprised. Right there in Leo’s eyes was a rage he’d hardly ever seen in anyone ever before. Let alone Leo. Little soft Leo… He couldn’t believe it but the stare of the younger man in front of him almost burned through him.

“Don’t you get it?” Leo screamed now. “I’ve seen something that was not there. I haven’t mistaken him for someone else. HE JUST WAS NOT THERE!”

“Leo…”

Max had pressed himself so hard to the headrest of the couch, he had to remind himself this wasn’t an attack, even though it felt like it a lot. Heavens, this was Leo. He kept telling this to himself over and over again. It’s Leo! Leo! Leo! Leo!

“No, you just don’t get it,” Leo kept on screaming. “This wasn’t …well, me. It was so strange so…so… out of my hands. I …,” he sighed and finally let his hands fall. “I couldn’t do anything. It was real. Can you even understand this?”

“Calm down, will ya?” Max tried to sooth him, but went only so far as to stretch his hand out. He couldn’t move his feet and bring his body to stand up, even if he wanted it.

This just wasn’t true.

He could hardly believe Leo reacting like he did. And he had to admit, this scared him a little. well, a little much.

Leo seemed to notice as well. He tore his eyes wide open and inhaled deeply before almost freezing to stone. Their eyes met.
It felt as though they were staring at each other for an eternity, searching for something. Some clue inside the other that told them what to do. But as nothing happened, Leo sighed and let his head sink again shaking it slightly.

“Leo,” Max spoke softly and dared to move a little towards him now, stretching out his hand to reach him. “I…I know this must be confusing…”

Leo sniffed and looked up at him. It almost tore Max’s heart apart seeing him looking so desperate; so confused.

“Hey,” he continued gently and put his hands on his shoulders. “Okay listen. I don’t know what happened… But we can do this. Together.”

He could see Leo’s eyes getting wet and immediately the younger man flung his arms around Max, who was taken aback at first but then had to smirk. This was it. This was Leo the way he knew and loved him. And so he returned that hug without hesitation. After all, he was the only one who managed to bring him to this much affection.

“I think you’re just overtired,” Max spoke while rubbing Leo’s back. “You need to rest. and tomorrow.. Tomorrow everything will look differently.”

“You really believe this?” Leo sounded muffled pressing his face so tightly to Max’s chest. But that question was sincere.

“I…,” Max hesitated, which caused Leo to look up immediately again.

“Alright,” Max gave up. “I must admit all this cutting and screaming and seeing things …it scares me a bit…”

Leo instinctively stepped a few steps away from him; his eyes widened.

“But I think,” Max continued, softly taking his partners hands and pressing them to himself again. “I think it might just be an aftermath… I mean you’ve been hurt badly. It’s probably nothing we should worry about too much.”

“Max, I…”

“Don’t wreck your brain,” Max pulled him a little closer and was kind of relieved to feel Leo relax in his arms. “We will have you checked again. There must be someone able to tell us nothing happened with you. And you’ll see then it is just a phase.”

Leo snuggled a little closer.

“I love you,” he whispered.

Max thought at first he misunderstood but then the surprise in his face melted into a warm smile. And he hugged Leo even tighter this time.

“Don’t you worry,” he repeated. “I won’t let anything happen to you. We’ll figure something out.”

“I don’t want you to get hurt,” Leo whispered almost not audible.

Max looked up, puzzling for a second if he’d heard right.

“What?” he asked.

Leo lifted his head again.

“What do you mean?” Max asked.

Leo shook his head, not knowing what he was referring to. So, Max observed him a second long, but then decided he must have misheard.

“So, maybe we just need an evening off,” Max said, wrapping his arm around Leo’s shoulder once more. “Just to relax a little…”

“You really think an evening is enough for that?” Leo raised his eyebrows.

“Okay, perhaps a day then,” Max rolled his eyes, but seeing Leo’s mouth lifting to a cheap smile again made him feel a lot lighter about the situation as well. “But Leo…”

“Hm?”

“Promise me you’ll tell me next time you’re not feeling well,” Max suddenly noticed how worried that sounded once more.

To his relief Leo didn’t seem to have noticed it and nodded shyly, a little cute blush appearing on his face.

“Can we go home?” he asked then, almost like a little boy wanting to do something forbidden.

Max sighed and bid his lips. He looked around. There was plenty to do still. He would have several meetings in the morning and some production things still to prepare…
But then, Leo’s pleading look made his plans melt away within the blink of an eye.

So he smiled, nodding once.

“Alrighty then,” he answered softly.

And immediately, Leo smiled even wider, pressing himself even closer to Max.

“Thank you,” he whispered once more. “And I’m sorry…”

“What for?” Max asked.

“For not telling you immediately… I know you wouldn’t have let me down… I should have come to you immediately. But well…Carmen was worried and..:”

“Jeez, Carmen,” Max suddenly yelled, causing Leo to jump back in surprise.

“What?”

“I’m sorry, Leo,” Max smiled at him. “I didn’t mean to scare you… It’s just… Do you mind a little detour?”

“A detour?”

Max nodded.

“There’s something I need to set right..:”

___ ***___

Roger almost tiptoed around the kitchen.

When he had come home he sensed something was different. But he hadn’t been able to quite make out what it was. Everything was the way it had always been after all. Well, almost. He had marched the last steps to the townhouse in a rage he hadn’t known before. It hardly ever happened that he had to go home alone without Carmen saying a word about himself leaving earlier. Which was bizarre. If anything happened to him… Whatever it was, he usually would talk to roger before deciding anything. This was new and definitely something he worried about. Maybe something had happened. Maybe he had done something, which wasn’t even so strange if he thought about it. But whatever it was, he wanted to set things right with him.

But then he had entered the house and immediately Kevin had almost jumped him. He told him about Carmen storming in here about an hour earlier without saying a word. He had marched up to their room and locked the door ever since. He had refused tot all to anyone and even when Scott, Shirley and Brian came home they hadn’t been successful.

“It’s almost like he’s …;” Kevin hadn’t finished the sentence, but Roger had understood immediately.

Almost as though he was back to who he was in his first days with them. A state that worried Roger more than anything if he was honest. But then again, he knew Carmen tended to withdraw sometimes. A trait only Roger knew about. And mostly when something was bugging him or he felt unwell… But even if that was the case, he would have said a word to anyone. And it caused him even more to wanting to talk to him.

The only problem was he hadn’t come out yet. And he had even refused to open the door for Roger. So now, Roger sneaked the stairs with a plate of their evening meal in his hands he had successfully stolen under Shirley’s eyes.

And now, he stood in front of that huge white doorman softly knocked three times.

“Darling?” he spoke as gently as he could. “ Darling, could you open the door? It’s me!”

No answer…

Roger sighed. “Carmen, please… I’m really beginning to worry!”

He stared at that door for a while longer but then his smile faded and he lowered his eyes. He sighed once more, shaking his head slightly and was just about to turn around and leave again, when he heard footsteps behind the door.

And then the familiar clicking of the door lock followed. Roger held his breath for a moment and didn’t dare to move.

When Carmen stepped outside, he obviously did his very best to carry his usual smile. The one he used whenever he wanted to show affection towards Roger. But also, when he didn’t want him to worry. And it was then Roger knew immediately something had happened. Something that had moved him deeply. He wasn’t sure of Carmen knew, but he could always tell when he was pretending. Not least because of the dark lumps under his eyes he always tried to cover with makeup. But they told another story to his partner right now.

“I fell asleep,” Carmen spoke silently, forcing himself to a smile. “I didn’t hear you. I am sorry.”

Roger on the other hand stared at him and then put the plate away in a hurry while fishing over to his loved one and flung his arms around the very surprised looking Carmen. He hardly managed it but this time Carmen’s body stiffened with this unexpected touch.

“Never scare me like this again;” Roger mumbled to his shoulder.

“Scare you?”

“I thought…,” Roger took his face between his hands and stared directly into those brown eyes he loved so much. But then he shook his head. “Nevermind… I’m glad you are alright.”

Carmen blushed slightly and looked down. Then he softly put his hands on Rogers and made him let go of his face.

“I’m sorry,” he spoke then. “I never meant to scare you.”

“What happened?” Roger asked quietly, knowing too well Carmen would talk only if he wanted to, but he still needed to know.

At first, the younger man shook his head, which made Roger almost scream internally, but then he seemed to think about it and lifted his head once more.

“Some old shit coming up…,” he said then almost without his voice. “Stuff I didn’t want to think about. I am sorry I left like that. But I needed to shake this for myself…”

Roger listened carefully and at first couldn’t tell what he was referring to. But then again, the only things Carmen hated to discuss more than anything were related to his past. Maybe someone had asked him about anything. It happened sometimes ever since their community had learned about him. Or maybe he had been confronted with something that brought up memories inside of him he thought he had been over with. Whatever it was, Roger was certain this must be the reason.

So, he let go of Carmen and smiled at his baffled expression.

He gently took his hand and lead him into their bedroom once more.

He sat him down on the bed and turned to get something out of their nightstand.

Carmen followed him with his eyes and started to wonder what he had planned now.

But then Roger turned again and kneeled before his love.

“Roger…what…;” Carmen flinched and pulled his shoulders up but didn’t manage to finish even his thought. For Roger shushed him by putting his fingers to his mouth and smiled widely.

He took out a small powder box and dipped a sponge into it carefully. Then he softly used two fingers to lift Carmen’s blushing face again and smiled even wider when he looked into the huge shocked eyes of him once more.

“You’ve missed a spot,” he declared then and started to gently dabbing the powder underneath Carmen’s eyes, spacing it out evenly.

Carmen didn’t move a bit. He sat there like frozen, not daring to blink and, if Roger hadn’t known better he’d said he didn’t even breathe anymore.

“You’ve been crying,” he said then casually; just as though he was discussing today’s shopping list from Shirley.

Carmen took a breath.

“I thought we were past the phase of you hiding your emotions,” Roger said then. He tried his very best not to make it sound taunting.

Again, Carmen blushed.

“I…”

“It’s no big deal,” Roger interrupted him, closing the powder box with a loud click. “But I want you to know there is absolutely nothing you need to be afraid of… Not anymore that is. And whatever you’re dealing with… You can always tell me. No matter what.”

Carmen looked at him for a second and then, without warning, fell into his arms pressing himself closely to the taller man. Roger leaned his head against his head and patted his back.

“I’m sorry,” he heard him say. “It’s just… Something came up and… Do you… Do you think I am being selfish?”

“What?”

Roger grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him so far away he was able to look into his face again.

“What on earth makes you think that?”

So, Carmen decided to tell him about Leo. What had happened and about his break down. Roger listened the whole story through without saying much. Only he grew paler a bit listening to it.

“I’m really thinking something’s not right,” Carmen continued. “You can’t deny he’s behaving strange…”

“Well, maybe he is indeed just tired;” Roger replied after listening to him. “Or overworked. You know how much he hates being without Max…”

“Yes, I know,” Carmen sighed.

“You shouldn’t worry about him too much,” roger continued, getting off of the floor and sat down next to him on the bed. “It usually affects your self-esteem…”

Carmen had to laugh slightly.

“My what?”

“You know,” Roger winked at him. “there’s something you need to understand…”

“What’s that?”

“you cannot save everyone,” Roger smiled, stroking his face once more. “and especially not, if it makes you think you are the selfish one trying to help.”

Carmen looked down again. “It feels so similar… You know… Like I’m seeing myself years ago… and… And I keep thinking…maybe I’ve become numb to this. Maybe I cannot see what he is going through anymore because I’ve abandoned all this for so long.”

“There is no way this could ever happen,” Roger laughed, causing Carmen to look up again. “When you’re seeing yourself in him… I mean how much more compassionate can you be?”

Carmen looked away again but Roger gently pulled his head towards him again, smiling warmly.

“Believe me,” he whispered. “You could never be selfish… And there is probably no one who knows better what it is like to work through something traumatic… Don’t you ever believe something else, Scott Pembroke!”

Carmen raised one eyebrow in disbelief and Roger immediately had to laugh deeply in his throat.

“Ooooh, I’ve always wanted to test how this sounds,” he giggled. “But no…no… I’m sorry, it doesn’t suit you at all.”

Carmen grabbed a pillow nearby and hit roger hardly on the back with it.

“You’re a jerk,” he laughed now too.

“But a jerk who will always…ALWAYS…. be there for you,” he smiled while covering his head.

Carmen let the pillow sink immediately, staring at him with the biggest affection he ever felt.

Roger turned around, winked once and embraced him once again.

“And I hope you’ll never believe otherwise,” he whispered then.

“I love you,” Carmen flung his arms around him as well.

“Love you too, Darling.”

“Erm, excuse me,” A knocking on the door interrupted them and they looked up. Brian stood there, looking a bit out of place. For some reason he hardly ever came into the room. Why though, they had never asked. “It seems we’ve got company…”

___***___

 

It was a little surprising to find Leo and Max standing in their huge hallway without a warning, they had to admit. But then, they were welcome whenever and after exchanging questioning looks for a second, Roger fell into his old smile again. He patted Carmen’s shoulder once more before making his way down to them and welcoming them exuberantly.

Carmen shrugged only and shook his head, smirking before following his partner down to greet them.

They asked them to the living room then, only to learn why they had come here.

“Leo needs some rest,” Max said. “I’m sure Carmen has told you about…about his little episode today…and I really want a day off tomorrow for the both of us.”

Roger and the others had listened to him carefully. He had stood with his arms folded in then doorframe still, while all the others had sat down in the living room. Shirley had immediately brought drinks and little snacks for all of them and they were about to make it a cozy evening, when Roger interrupted Max.

“So why showing up here?” he asked. “I mean, Max of course you can take a day off…both of you. If you think it’s best for Leo… But you should have told us. and you could have called… why did you show up here?”

“Oh er,” Max looked down and blushed too. “Two reasons to be exact…”

Roger looked straight at him now, as did all the others, with the exception of Leo.

“First of all, I figured it’s a good thing to be surrounded by his…his family for a while,” he blushed even more now, causing Roger to smirk. “and then…”

Max stopped. It almost seemed as though the second part was enormously hard for him to tell.

“And then I need to talk to Carmen,” he continued a lot quieter, looking shyly at the slender man, who gloomily leaned against a wall close to Roger without having spoken a word. And now he looked a little surprised from Roger to Max.

“Could we…maybe?” Max nodded to the hallway again but never took his eyes away from Carmen.

And for a split second Carmen thought about declining his wish only to make him feel even more embarrassed for once. But then he just couldn’t do it. He wasn’t like that. So, he sighed and then nodded, making his way outside.

May got up and followed him, mumbling his apologies to Roger when he passed him.

Roger on the other hand looked more surprised than anyone else but only shrugged and decided it was best to join Leo on the couch instead.

 

___***___

Their footsteps echoed through the marble hallway and for once it almost appeared like this house was empty. Whether the others in the living room were listening or not, Max wasn’t sure about at first. But then he heard laughter and their joyful chatting started again and he knew it was just them; him and Carmen right now.

Carmen stopped in front of the huge stairs in the hallway and folded his arms, only staring at Max with a blank face.

“Listen, erm…,” Max started, fumbling his fingers and avoiding Carmen’s eyes before taking a deep breath and straightening up. When he opened his eyes again, he looked more determined than ever before. “I wanted to apologise… Like really… What I’ve said… It wasn’t fair.”

“No, it wasn’t,” Carmen replied slowly.

“I know,” Max blushed again, looking away and lowering his eyes. “I know very well that…that you are the only one really knowing about how he must feel. And…and you were right. I have no idea what that must be like. I just…”

“Max?” Carmen spoke then. “Forget it, will you?”

“No, please,” he looked up and seemed determined to finish this for once. “I …I honestly mean it. I just…keep forgetting sometimes… About…Everything.”

He heard footsteps and then felt Carmen’s hand on his shoulder. When he looked up, he smiled at him for once.

“I appreciate it,” he answered softly. “I know it must be hard for you… So thank you. But seriously, I forgive you that. I know it’S hard to get used to… and I don’t expect all of you to think about it twentyfour-seven.”

“How could I ever not think about it?” Max asked in return, but he was being very quietly all of a sudden. “When…when you’ve had the courage to tell me at first.”

Carmen giggled slightly.

“Oh, Come on,” he said then. “I have been a coward for fifteen years and only told you because the situation didn’t let me out of it.”

Max looked up again but then Carmen punched him gently on the shoulder with his fist, smiling widely.

“Let’s go back to the others, don’t you think?” Carmen grinned. “Like you said: It’s good to spend some time with the family!”

So, Max broke into a smile as well and nodded again. Carmen flung his arm around him and they soon found themselves between the others again.

As usual Leo and Max stayed a lot longer than anticipated and when the night had fallen and the moon started to shine through the windows already, Max sat on the floor between Brian and Shirley, listening to their stories and giggling about their jokes.

Especially funny was Roger that evening, who already fought with Scott a lot about whether he should really have that last drink or not. And it was plain to see (and hear) for everybody that Roger started to sound pretty drunk already.
“You definitely should stop,” Scott said once more.

“Oh, poppycock,” Roger mumbled. “It’s not that bad yet.” And he raised his hadn’t to hold his glass up high so Scott wouldn’t be able to reach him that easily.

Max grinned brightly and he felt lighter right now than he had the whole day. It was true…something about them was intoxicating. It had taken him years to understand it but it was so plain to see now. And for a short moment he looked over to Leo, who sat on the couch next to Carmen and laughed out loud about something Kevin had said to him that very moment.

Max had to smile. It was so good to see him laugh again after all of that. And he thought about having him brought here was the right thing to do. Leo always felt better between the Debris’. He himself used to hate that fact, ignore it and be secretly jealous… But now, he started to see more and more why Leo always felt that way and he had to admit, even though never out loud, it began to lighten him up being here as well.

“We should play a game!” he heard Roger proclaim suddenly very loudly.

All their heads turned.

“How about truth or dare?” Roger grinned like a schoolboy. A state the alcohol was by all means not too innocent with. But everyone started to laugh immediately.

“Aren’t we a little too old for a teenager’s game?” Shirley threw in, rather bored though.

“Aw, Shirl,” Brian wiped a tear out of his eye with his thumb. “It could still be fun.”

“Do you think that’s a good idea Rog?” Scott said then. “You’re a little done already…”

“Aaaand there is hardly anything we don’t know yet,” Kevin laughed still, causing the others to start once more.

“Except for the naughty details,” Brian added quickly, raising his eyesbrows knowingly at Carmen, who acted as though he was superior about that anyway. Which he probably was, Max thought and had to smile.

“Actually, it’d be more fun, if you let Carmen and Leo do it,” Shirley grinned at them. Seeing her grin was something so unusual it was almost scary Max had to admit.

“No thanks, i’ll pass,” Carmen waved his hand. “But maybe since Roger started it, he wants to be the first.”

he gave him a seductive look all of a sudden and Max almost burst into laughter again seeing how sheepishly Roger grinned seeing it.

“He does everything when Carmen looks at him like this,” Brian whispered to him and grinned as well.

“He has his ways then,” Max answered silently.

“Oh you wouldn’t believe;” Brian laughed. “Just witness this. It’ll be very educational, believe me!”

So Roger filled his glass once more and raised thigh above his head.

“Alright, you may start!” he proclaimed.

“Truth!” Shirley screamed immediately.

All the others joined by cheering him on top of their voices.

“Alright, you won!” Roger said triumphantly and emptied his glass in one go. He put it down rather noisily then and stood up. “So what do you wanna know?”

“Why all the hookups before Carmen?” Kevin was the fastest to throw in a question.

“Oh, no fair,” Carmen interrupted immediately. “You cannot go only for naughty stuff right now…and it is a little too private, don’t you think?”

“Which tells us, you know,” Shirley grinned at him and Carmen blushed immediately.

“I don’t think it’s too bad, Darling,” roger interfered now, causing Carmen to look at him. “This shit belongs in the past anyway,” he smiled. “So they can know…”

“But…”

“Relax, Carmen,” Leo grabbed his sleeve now and pulled him back to the couch. “It’s not like he’s going to embarrass you.”

“You don’t know jack,” Carmen rolled his eyes and sat down rather reluctantly again.

“Come on,” Leo slid closer a little. “You trust him, don’t you?”

“Of course,” Carmen smiled at him. “I just don’t want him to say something he doesn’t want to…and you have no idea how he can get when he is drunk!”

“Well, Can’t be worse than Max ,” Leo laughed. “Just let him do it. If he wants to… Just try to trust him not to do anything weird.”

Carmen looked at him a little shocked at first, but then had to laugh loudly.

“What?”

“When did we swap roles?” he asked Leo while trying to catch his breath.

“I didn’t notice,” Leo grinned now. “But you’re right. Haha…”

“So as I was saying,” they heard Roger speak again and looked up. “There were many reasons to do that. First of all…everyone needs contact somehow!”

“Hear! Hear!” All of his roommates lifted their glasses at those words simultaneously.

“And then,” Roger continued and very obviously had his troubles standing up now too. “It was fun… I mean there’s nothing bad about it if you think about it… And I’ve never hurt anyone. They all knew what they got themselves into…”

“That’s what he keeps telling himself,” Shirley rolled her eyes.

“And you never saw any of them again after all,” Leo threw in, quite amused.

“That’s true…!” Roger smiled at him, until he caught sight of Carmen raising one eyebrow mockingly. “Well…no…No! Not exactly… I saw one of them again…But this was the biggest mistake of my life really. And I still am feeling ashamed of it…”

“So did you ever betray any of them?” Shirley asked then.

“One question at a time!” Max said immediately, but Shirley shut him up with one look.

“Nah, it’s alright,” Roger giggled giddily. “I never betrayed anyone per say…”

“Meaning what?” Scott looked up now too but his face had changed. All of them were all ears right now.

And as drunk as he was, Roger noticed their eyes on him now.

“Oh no,” he continued. “Don’t you ever think that…There was never something coming between someone else and me…and I have always been way too open with them…”

“That’s true,” carmen shrugged, looking amused over to Leo. “He was never secretive about it.”

“Wouldn’t you get jealous?” Leo asked him. “I know I would…”

“We weren’t together when this happened…” Carmen grinned. “And no one is a blank sheet of paper, never forget.”

“Exactly,” Roger agreed with him. “Except for that one time he know everything…”

He started to laugh loudly, not noticing what he had just said. Carmen on the other hand sat upright in a second, not taking his eyes away from him.

“Roger!” Max whispered, now reaching for him, always looking at Carmen from the corner of his eyes.

“What? I mean I should have told him a while ago,” Roger continued, laughing more and more.

“Roger! Stop!” Max yelled now.

“What Max?” Roger shook his arm away from him. “I’m sure he doesn’t mind, do you Darling? See? He doesn’t say a thing…and It’s not like there were feelings involved or something…”

“ROGER! STOP IT!” Max screamed now, looking from Leo to Carmen in panic.

“Oh Max, don’t be such a sissy,” Roger yelled back now. “It’s not like we didn’t have fun, wouldn’t you say? We had a pretty good thing going on back then….and you know it… you…!”

It was then Roger noticed the silence that had taken over the room within a second. It was as though none of the others were even there anymore.

He looked around.

All of his roommates stared at him shocked, disbelieving and with huge eyes. Some even had their mouths wide open in shock. He looked down at Max who sat there, pale as a ghost. But he didn’t catch his eyes, but stared at Leo without the slightest movement.

And it was then a moment of clarity washed over him like a huge wave. He noticed what had just slipped his mouth and his eyes grew to a new dimension while his jaw sunk down.

In a while he turned to find Carmen among them, but when his eyes reached the couch, both him and Leo were at their feet already.

Roger’s heart skipped a beat immediately. he felt like someone having punched him in the stomach when he looked into the shocked and pale white faces of them. And he almost felt like falling over when he saw tears appearing in Carmen’s eyes, who somehow was unable to take them away from Roger.

“Oh my…,” he inhaled… “carmen…I…!”

But Carmen stepped back without hesitation, shaking his head. And it was plain to see his body started to shiver…

“Carmen, I…”

But Carmen simply turned and ran out of the room. Roger wanted to follow him immediately when he heard Leo starting to sob. He turned again and all of a sudden the whole room started spinning so badly, he could hold himself anymore and crashed to the ground…

 

~ to be continued ~

Chapter 5: Realizing

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The room was still spinning when he dared to open his eyes again.

This was bad. He was feeling like shit and not just because he had a hangover. He remembered everything and even though he knew he had to set things right, he couldn’t even bring himself to stand properly right now. Once this sickness subsided finally he needed to. He simply had to. This was his mistake. A huge big fat mess he’s brought himself into and he knew it. And worst of all he had betrayed not just Max’s trust doing this. No, what was even worse he had caused another cut in Leo’s heart as well, because - judged by his reactions - he didn’t know as well. How could he even? Max and himself had agreed to never talk about this ever again; to nobody.

And Carmen…

Oh God, what had he done?

Roger rubbed over his face once but still stared at the ceiling, trying to focus on one point and thinking of something…nothing really. Anything that would keep his mind from making him feel even worse.
He had promised not to tell this. And then again, he had promised Carmen to always tell everything…Why hadn’t he done it before? Before his partner had gotten to know them? Before he even started to like Max? This ruined everything, but worst of all…

What was gonna happen to the two of them now? Carmen would forgive a lot. And he had become a lot quieter about things that had insulted him in former times more easily. But he had never just left without a word. And Roger couldn’t even blame him for this.

“They’re in the kitchen now!”

He turned his head slightly and saw Scott standing in front of him; his arms crossed and his face disgusted.

“I hope you’re proud!” he continued, looking enraged. “Leo’s not exactly able to process anything right now and you’re doing this?”

“I didn’t intend to…,” Roger answered very silently. He knew he would have to take the blame for this but he wasn’t sure what to say to this.

“Why can’t you ever listen to me?” Scott went on. “Why do you have to exaggerate everything? I’ve told you it was enough! I’ve told you this wasn’t a good idea!”

“I know…”

“And you had to do this in front of him?” Scott waved his arms now and his increasingly louder voice cut like a knife into Roger’s head, so he closed his eyes. “When the boy was on the edge of freaking out already today? This is low, Rog, and you should be ashamed of yourself.”

“Don’t you think I am?” Roger screamed back all of a sudden and jumped up.

He remembered that moment though why he didn’t sit in the first place as the walls around him started to spin once more and that way too familiar nausea came creeping back to him right away. Quickly he had to grab the armrest of that sofa and lowered his head, bending down.

He could feel Scott being by his side as quickly as his rage had come. And in his hands on his back, he knew he wasn’t actually as angry as he would have expected. As he would have deserved.

“Don’t you think I know?” Roger repeated silently again, not daring to open his eyes. “Don’t you think I know this is the most shameful, disgusting thing I have ever done? I’ve…betrayed them. All of them in just a heartbeat… And Carmen…”

“He is upstairs,” Scott answered calmly, while still rubbing his back. “You will probably be able to talk to him, IF he opens the door…”

Roger turned to look at his roommate as much as his body would let him.

“I’ve hurt him, haven’t I?”

Scott looked at him for a moment without answering, but then he closed his eyes and sighed deeply, letting go of Roger and folded his arms in front of his chest again. He then slowly turned and grabbed a chair which stood nearby, pulling it closer with a loud scratching sound on the marble floor until it almost faced the older man in front of him and sat down.

When he opened his eyes again, his glance pierced Roger almost.

“I’m saying this now, because you know we promised a long time ago to always be honest with one another,” he started calmly, but there was something so dangerous in his voice Roger almost backed away if he had been certain not to fall over trying.

So, he simply fell back onto the couch and leaned his head to the headrest as good as possible, never letting Scott out of sight. He always had had a way of making him feel intimidated and he never was if he was honest. Though he was usually the voice of reason within this house, Scott hardly ever was as determined; as serious. Which undoubtedly indicated trouble.

“Roger, I’ve never said much about whatever you were up to,” Scott started then. “But this is beyond reason. None of us has ever said anything about what was going on with you and Max back then but we’ve always expected you to have changed. And you did when you’ve brought Carmen here. We seriously thought that. All of this…stuff…it had stopped. Or so we thought. And from how relaxed he was about it, we always assumed you’ve told him more than you have told us.”

“You…,” Roger gasped slightly. “You knew?”

Scott nodded once; his hands on his knees and still tense.

“But what you have done just now…,” he continued. He stopped shortly and took a deep breath. “You know, I’ve seen you destroy a lot of good things. I’ve watched you always taking things for granted and never worrying about whoever might get hurt. But with Carmen… Believe me, you will never, NEVER get anything alike. And you should seriously be more than ashamed of yourself.”

“I…”

“If he has enough, you will be alone,” Scott interrupted him. “And I mean it. They won’t talk to you ever again.” He nodded towards the kitchen. “And to be honest here, I couldn’t even blame him. He’s been through enough with you…”

Thus, he stood up and gave Roger another look as cold as ice. It made the older man hold his breath for a second. But then he turned and left the room as well, leaving him alone with his bad conscience.

 

-~~-~~-~~-

 

“You must believe me. It was nothing. A one time thing!”

Max sounded more desperate than anyone else right now.

He kneeled in front of Leo; his hands in his own all the time; and looking almost as if he was about to cry any moment himself. The roommates stood at the huge kitchen counter and witnessed this without saying a word. Shoulder to shoulder they sometimes exchanged worried looks but the truth was, no one knew how to deal with this. No one knew what to say.
Yes, they had known. But it was never a thing to discuss unless they were by themselves. And the other even more horrible truth was none of them knew how to deal with Leo in this state. No one knew what to say to ease the pain, the hurt, the anger. They knew he could get like this, but in reality they’ve only heard about it and never had seen it like this. It was this huge dark carpet of helplessness they became aware of just then for the first time really.

The young man sat there on a chair and almost apathetically stared outside the window. He looked so incredibly tired. And just as though he had worked a week straight without a break at all. He hadn’t said a word after Carmen had left the room. Only he hadn’t been able to stop his tears from coming. But after that…nothing. Even now he didn’t react to anything Max said. He didn’t even look at him. It seemed almost as though he didn’t notice anyone else was there at all and if he did, he definitely didn’t know any of them. Just as though he was a stranger forced to stay in this house with people trying to find out what he was doing there.
Shirley had brought him into the kitchen to be out of that madhouse which broke lose over Roger and Max that moment but even then he hadn’t made a sound at all. A state which had made her enormously uncomfortable; since she usually had a way to deal with Leo.

Max had followed him only seconds later, insisting on being more sorry than any time before. And - Oh God - he was! They could tell in the way he spoke; in the way he moved and in every little moment that he tried to be there with Leo no matter what. They almost felt more sorry for him seeing this almost tragic dance. After all, he had had an excuse since Leo hadn’t been there when all this had happened. Whereas Roger…

But Leo was the real problem right now.

What a messy situation. He came here for help. To cool down from everything that burdened him right now; even though none of them really knew what was going on. It didn’t seem Roger or even Max knew much more though. But from what they had noticed the past couple of days, he definitely wasn’t feeling well at all. And now getting a message like this… It did something to him. Plain to see for everybody. And if they were honest, they knew stuff like this changed people. IN their thoughts, in their actions and most importantly… in the way they felt.

But what on earth could they try to do now?

“Leo…,” Max almost whispered now, his eyes watery. He reached out and softly touched his partners cheek, softly turning his head in his direction. “Leo, please. What else can I do to make this better? Tell me… Anything I will do.”

Leo’s head lifted a little and for once his tired eyes met Max’s. It was then they all could see just how much at the end he really was.

“Leo, please,” Max sniffed. “Please, I never wanted to hurt you. Not like this. Not at all…”

It was then the younger man pulled his hands out from underneath Max’s gently. He stopped his pleading - probably more surprised than all of them together - and stared at his partner with wide eyes.

The roommates inhaled sharply, seeing the enormous tremor in Leo's hands now for the first time. His bandaged hand shook so strongly in fact, it almost gave the impression of him falling into shock completely right now. But his body wasn’t shaking. Not a bit. On the contrary, it was as calm as it could be. Which made them hold their breaths for a moment. Something here didn’t make sense.

Leo, on the other hand, took Max’s hands for once and looked at him almost compassionately. It was so unusual to see that moment, no one dared to even move, let alone speak. And they swore Max didn’t even breath in.

“Max?” Leo spoke very softly. So much in fact, he was hardly audible at all. “How is Carmen?”

“What?” He swallowed hard. “Carmen?…He’s…”

Max turned to them longing for help. It was in his eyes and his whole posture.

The tragedy was, none of them could answer this either. None of them had spoken to him.

“He…” Shirley started but Leo cut her off quickly, smiling at her as warmly as he had to Max.

“Can I talk to him?”

“We…er…,” she rubbed her neck, obviously not knowing what to say when a hand grabbed her shoulder gently and made her look up again.

Scott had entered the kitchen just then and nodded at her just once before turning to Leo.

“Leo,” he started then, stepping closer and kneeling right next to Max. “You shouldn’t worry about someone else right now. It is important you get some rest. Not in a few hours but now… Carmen won’t be gone when you have recovered a bit.”

Leo did not move for a long while but kept on staring at Scott. He breathed out then. For a second he looked to the ground, smiling brightly while still holding Max’s hands. But then all eyes were on him again, when he suddenly jumped up and took the porcelain mug next to him in a rage none of them had faced before and threw it with all his might to the kitchen wall next to him.

“LET ME SEE HIM!!!” he screamed suddenly and as loudly as he was able to. So loud in fact, Max jumped back immediately and lost his balance, thus landed on the kitchen floor; just staring at him with huge eyes.

All the others pressed together in a moment of complete surprise too and no one said anything.
“Leo….not again,” they heard Max whisper in disbelief.

“Leo, calm down, will you?” Scott tried and lifted his hands carefully but Leo just whirled around in his direction, looking more than furious. “We get you are upset!”

“YOU DON’T GET A DAMN THING! NONE OF YOU,” he yelled in a thundering voice so unlike him, it made them freeze. “YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE! ALL YOU DO ALL THE TIME IS COMMITTING THESE HORRIBLE THINGS…OVER AND OVER AGAIN. ALL OF YOU KNEW! ALL OF YOU WERE SILENT! AND THEN YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THIS!!! WITH ALL THIS PITY! AS IF I AM NOTHING BUT A BIG FAT TRAGEDY TO ALL OF YOU!”

“Leo…would you calm down, so we get a chance to say something at least?” Kevin stepped forwards; more courageous than ever before. “Please, no one is gonna blame you. Not you!”

“I HAVE HAD IT!” Leo yelled once more and grabbed the teaspoon on the table, stepping closer to Max who was still on the ground.

They all gasped when he lifted his hand, almost ready to attack him with the utensil in his hands. Max instinctively covered his face with his arm immediately and Shirley gave a squeaking scream no one had heard from her before, while Kevin pressed his face to Brian’s chest, only to not having to look at what was undoubtedly gonna happen.

But it was that very moment Leo woke from his delirium and the anger in his eyes vanished as quickly as it had come. Instead, they grew back to the puppy eyed expression they all knew from Leo. Their Leo!
And then he noticed what this almost had become and he teared them wide open again. Shivering still, his hands let go of that spoon and with a loud metallic clank it fell to the ground.
With one shocked breath, Leo took his own hand in the other and pressed them tightly to his chest, not taking his gaze away from Max who only then dared to turn in his direction again.

Max shook his head slightly, but wasn’t even able to blink - his mouth slightly open but obviously incapable to even produce the slightest sound.

Leo stepped back; his breath becoming heavier.

And immediately his eyes filled with tears again, which fell uncontrollably down to the kitchen floor.

“LEO?”

All their heads turned immediately when Carmen’s voice sounded from the kitchen door.

He stood in the doorframe; still holding on to it; and looked from Leo to Max not less surprised. For a moment he didn’t dare to move as well though. His face darkened as he tried to make sense to the picture there in front of him.

He seemed to get what this was about much quicker though. All the others were rather surprised at how fast he had his gaze on Leo again and changed his voice into such a calm version of himself, it was hard to believe.

“Hey… Honey, what’s wrong?” he asked almost maternal.

“Not a good time, Carmen,” Brian said incidentally, but didn’t leave Leo out of his sight. “He is…”

“He is nothing!” Carmen hissed, whirling around and looking angry too. “Don’t say this kind of stuff, Brian! This won’t help a bit!”

“But …”

He wasn’t able to finish though as Leo started to move.

All of them held their breath.

Only a second later though, Leo flung his arms around Carmen and buried his face in his chest as well; leaving him not less surprised for a moment. But when that first moment had sunk in, he tenderly put his arms around him as well and softly started to stroke his back.
Leo was sobbing now, cowering there like nothing in the world would understand him but him.

Which was somehow strange, since - although being friends - Carmen and him weren’t even nearly as close as Max and him. On the other hand he had just lost it and tried to… They weren’t even certain what he had tried to do there to Max.
Secondly, looking at Carmen he couldn’t possibly be in the condition to take care of Leo right now too. He looked horrible indeed and probably had to digest this whole evening on a whole other level first too. But still, he was down here with hem and held Leo in his embrace, not even asking about what was going on.

“Carmen….we…,” Kevin started, but their younger friend shook his head quickly, giving him just one warning look.

“Are you good?” he then asked, very clearly addressing Leo.

The whole house seemed to hold its breath that moment.

Leo was sobbing still; for all of them to hear; but gave a small nod.

“Hey, you know what?” Carmen changed his tactics now too; forcing himself into a broad smile while addressing Leo. He took him by the shoulders and softly forced him to look at him. “I honestly thought some moron neighbor had thrown another tantrum just now and actually destroyed some china back there…”

Leo looked at him with huge watery eyes, trying to follow.
“You should see them,” Carmen sniggered. All of them could tell this was a show, but Leo obviously seemed to buy it right now. “They sometimes do stupid shit like this and when they do, it’s a feast to watch them going berserk on the street.”

Despite his desperation, Leo chuckled slightly.

“They are?” he half cried, half asked. None of the others were sure, if he actually meant this or just played along.

“Not kidding,” Carmen answered, trying his best to sound cheerful. He even held up his hand in a way that indicated he swore everything he had on this. “We sometimes rate their fights, observing it all along as does the whole neighborhood. Much much fun, believe me!”

Again, Leo jeered slightly, looking at Carmen as though he was the only sane person in reach.

Max, who still sat on the ground shook his head again. But just then, Shirley wanted to step forward and say something. She had her mouth open already when Max lifted his right hand and signaled her to stop. Something he usually wouldn’t do like this but Shirley indeed stopped, looking at him - the shock clearly written in her face still. Max meanwhile shook his head at her.
‘Don’t do it! He’s on to something there!’ his face seemed to literally scream at her. And weirdly enough, she understood perfectly and stopped where she was. All their heads turned to them again.

“Sweetheart, would you mind if we took a look?” Carmen asked then, acting absolutely unimpressed by their little nonverbal conversation right in front of them although they could tell he had noticed. “We’d have something to laugh about for weeks to come, I guarantee!”

Again, Leo jeered slightly; his tears still running down his cheeks, but with a look of overwhelming gratefulness towards Carmen. Then he nodded again, biting his lips and Carmen flung his arm around him again.

He turned only shortly when they left the kitchen to cast one icy stare at Max on the ground still and they were gone.

Only then, the five people remaining almost collapsed; exhaling heavily.

Max was the only one not turning though.
He still had his eyes on the door, sitting on the ground still and with the most shocked expression ever.

What had happened here just now?

This was the second time he had witnessed this and he would lie to himself and everyone else if he honestly said he didn’t feel that icy cold fear creeping up inside of him. The last time this had happened, he also had hardly recognized Leo. Sweet little innocent Leo. The Leo, who started to cry when a voice grew louder just a little from their normal way of speaking. The Leo who clung to a baby blanket and never ever even dared to speak against anything even when he thought it wasn’t right.
And he remembered way too realistically still what had happened the last time Leo had become that stranger. That unrecognizable someone he hadn’t known before.

It scared him shitless.

“Max?” he heard Scott again and slowly turned his head in his direction, only to find him stretching out his hadn’t to help him up again.

Hesitantly, he took it though and pulled himself up to his shivering legs.

“What was this?” he heard Brian ask and turned to face them finally.

If only he could say. If only he had just one tiny clue of what was going on here. The only thing that was certain though was something was wrong. Very wrong. And he couldn’t hide it with some kitchen accident story now anymore. He couldn’t even tell them that this hadn’t been Leo…

So what now?

“What the hell was this?” Brian repeated.

“I…”

“You said he’s overworked and tired…,” Brian cut him off, stepping closer now. “This wasn’t overworked, man!”

Max averted his eyes, trying hard to calm his still shivering body as good as possible and maybe get some more time to think of something to tell them.

“He’s…,” he started hesitantly. And then finally he took a deep breath and straightened himself up again but still looked straight ahead. “He’s been having … some issues lately…”

“Issues?” This time Kevin was the one finding his voice back. “Max?! This was… a fully grown … seizure of some kind… He wasn’t even himself anymore…”

“He’s just…”

“Be honest here, will you?” Scott demanded now too. “Was this injury on his hand even an accident?”

Max’s head whirled up and within a second they could read all the answers they needed in the desperate look he gave them. There was no need to hide it or to pretend it wasn’t there. No, Max Bialystock was an open book for once; right there in front of them.

All of them gasped.

Kevin stepped back in shock, while Shirley covered her mouth with her hands.

“I think…,” Max cleared his throat now, realizing he had no other chance than to tell them. “I …think something’s not okay. Not at all…”

 

-~~-~~-~~-

 

The evening wind blew around the blocks and carried the dusty old smell the city had sometimes in every corner of the long narrow streets. The sky was already turning into a dark violet and only huge gray clouds here and there suggested the day had been there just minutes ago, but was now tied to vanish for several hours to make space for the comforting darkness of nighttime.

The lights of the city started to illuminate their way more and more and every now and then you could see people behind their windows following their cozy evening routines and slowly coming to rest.

It was getting colder though. Slightly colder than the heat of day and usually Leo would love to cool down on their balcony after a day like this.
But this time he couldn’t think of anything as soothing as this. His mind was somewhere far away. He didn’t notice the slight breeze whirling around his head or the endless amount of cars still passing them; not did he really notice where they were going or how far they had been away from the townhouse already.

When they had left none of them had tried to stop them. Why should they anyway? They had been way too shocked and he couldn’t blame them. He himself had been shaken to his foundations when he noticed what he had almost done there. He couldn’t even remember having grabbed that spoon nor what he had actually been intending to do with it. But he remembered this huge wave of anger suddenly appearing inside of him. So much stronger and so much more demanding than every before. He couldn’t get where it came from, but he knew he hated them that moment. So so much. More than anything else … And he hated himself for these thoughts even more.

He could never hate them. He could never even think this about them and yet he had done it. Without a reason. Without a hint of why…

their footsteps echoed back to them from the walls of the buildings as they walked on the gray concrete and for a second there they walked so synchronic, it almost seemed as though he was alone. But then he remembered he wasn’t. And when he cast a short look over his shoulder, he made sure Carmen was still beside him. There, walking silently; not saying a word and just staring ahead as well.

He looked tired. And unusually tense for himself.

Leo didn’t even have to guess why. All this had been a lot, probably not just for him. And even though he knew Roger’s past and his incapability to resist temptations sometimes -heck, he had been cheating emotionally and physically even while he had known Carmen- he never would have suspected …this! And judged by his reactions, neither had Carmen although he probably knew a lot more than he had told him.

“Are you okay?”

Leo looked up, noticing he’d been lost in his thoughts again. It happened a lot if he was honest but just now it kind of scared him he had to admit. So he flinched slightly when he heard Carmen’s voice seemingly out of nowhere.

When their eyes met though, he didn’t feel anything but relief. To not being angry again. To be out and away from them. And to be here with someone he trusted and who, quite frankly, was in the same position as him….well, more or less.

So, he nodded.

“I guess so…”

“You’ve scared them a good deal back there,” Carmen almost whispered now. “You sure we shouldn’t get you checked?”

“Not you too,” Leo stopped and closed his eyes, knowing in an instance that Carmen must have stopped too. He was looking at him now. He could tell.

“Leo?”

Carmen was pretty relaxed though. He didn’t rush by his side and started to bombard him with questions as everyone else did all the time. A little difference he noticed instantly.

“Everyone thinks I’m a nutcase anyway,” Leo said, looking down to his feet. He just couldn’t face him. “Max…,” he hesitated saying his name shortly. “He…thinks it has something to do with the injury… you know…”

Carmen nodded.

“Oh, please don’t. Don’t look at me like that,” Leo sniffed, feeling his eyes filling with tears again. “They all think I’m crazy and …and…they’re right… But please, not you too…”

Leo sank down; squatting to the ground and holding his head now. He couldn’t bear this too.

“Hey, hey…,” Carmen stepped closer, putting his hands on his shoulders softly. “I’m not. Look at me! I’m not! But Leo…”

He looked up again, fully aware he was crying way too much lately.

“Whatever you’ve tried in there,” Carmen went on, trying his best to smile. “It could’ve ended differently. You know that right?”

Again, Leo nodded.

“I felt so angry…,” he whispered then. “I didn’t know what I was doing.”

“Angry because of ….?” Carmen couldn’t even end his question. Leo noticed. It must be over the top difficult for him to talk about this even now.

The young man watched him closely and suddenly felt everything he was probably feeling as well. He knew. Whatever he was going through there, he understood.
But he shook his head nearly not visible.

“I can’t tell…”

“Wouldn’t be surprising to be honest,” Carmen answered then and looked away, but didn’t seem to let go or abandon Leo there on the ground. “I figure it must be shocking…”

“It was for you as well,” Leo replied.

Again, Carmen nodded.

“I knew about these things,” he answered. “And as much as I try to deny it, I always knew it was gonna happen again… But…” His voice broke that moment.

“He said he didn’t know me back then,” Leo went on, observing his friend still. “So, logically I have no reason to feel hurt. We all had a life before that.”

“It still feels like betrayal,” Carmen answered.

“Were you… already…?”

“I don’t know,” Carmen closed his eyes. “I didn’t know about this one. And the way Max reacted … I guess …”

Leo sighed.

Whatever this was, they wouldn’t be able to find a solution on the sidewalk…literally. So, he slowly stemmed his shivering hands on his knees and pulled his body up from the cold gray underneath him.

“Leo?”

He looked at him and even though he couldn’t possibly tell, he knew perfectly well which questions were about to follow.

“The shivering’s gotten stronger,” Carmen pointed at his hands.

“It happens… sometimes,” he answered, trying to hide his hands in his pockets. “Nothing to worry about.”

“Then why do you?”

Leo’s eyes grew wider and he whirled around to his friend again.

Carmen was unimpressed though. He stood there as calmly as before, breathing in slowly. Never before had he seen him like that, without the temptation to make him smile in any way. Without being loud or jokingly comment on something. Just standing there, staring at him. It was then Leo knew he knew. He knew all too well he was lying.

“I’m…,” Leo shook his head. He didn’t know what to say. Nothing came to his mind other than… “It has happened before…”

But he couldn’t finish.

He hardly believed his eyes that moment and immediately felt his whole body stiffen. That moment… It felt like the whole world was crashing down on him. Like everything he had ever hoped and feared met halfway on the way to him. And for a second he even forgot to breathe.

The silhouette of a person stood there; not mere ten feet away from them, observing at them with staring eyes. They didn’t move. But Leo wanted to. So badly. He just didn’t know whether to run there or flee. And as much as he wanted to go into any direction, his feet were like stone right now.

Carmen turned his head too, following his gaze.

The woman still didn’t move, but her shoulder-long brownish gray hair was waving around her head in the breeze sweeping through the street just then.

“Do you know her?” Carmen asked after a moment, noticing Leo wasn’t able to look somewhere else.

But Leo, as much as he tried to answer, was only able to open and close his mouth a few times, shaking his head in disbelief.

And then the woman tilted her head once and turned around, obviously meaning to leave.

“No,” Leo gasped and straightened.

It almost seemed she’d heard him though, for she started to run suddenly. And she was fast. It took her not only a second to almost vanish out of their sight, leaving Carmen and Leo wondering about this weird encounter probably if Leo hadn’t chosen exactly that moment to jump after her as if the devil himself was right behind him.

“No! Wait!”

“What? Leo!”

Carmen was on his feet in no time too, chasing after his friend.

Leo ran but no matter how quick he was; no matter how much he tried to fly over the sidewalk there, he couldn’t reach her. She was incredibly agile it seemed and the distance between them was getting more and more. Leo felt his lungs were about to explode any second. He didn’t notice anything or anyone passing him. He didn’t even hear Carmen behind him. All he could concentrate on was to get to her. Right now. He simply had to. Only a few feet…

But then she turned and ran onto one of the many side streets, causing Leo to almost stumble with her unexpected manoeuvre. He managed to grab the edge of a building though and thus forced his body to take that unexpected turn as well. What he hadn’t considered though were a huge pile of old magazines lying there stacked for the next waste collection. He lost his balance, not being able to dodge them too and fell head-first into the old papers.
It hurt. He was certain he probably had done something to himself, but the longing to go on was much stronger within him and he stemmed his hands up again, lifting his head and jumping to his -now shivering- feet again. But before he could even get his orientations back - or even wonder where he was now - he noticed there was no sign of her anywhere anymore. He turned around once; then twice. But nothing. No matter in which direction he looked, she just wasn’t anywhere to be seen.

And his breath became faster and even more agitated. He felt his body become cold. And he noticed immediately how much this upset him. How much he had feared this moment… For how long this had been his worst nightmare.

When Carmen turned the corner as well, he was almost hyperventilating, turning faster and faster and mumbling “No! No! No!” over and over again.

“Leo?” he heard him. “Leo, stop it! Please!”

He let Carmen grab him though and only once tried to release himself from that grip. But he was feeling too powerless all of a sudden to even do anything against this.

“Leo! Leo, look at me!” he heard him say and only then slowly turned his head. His eyes were torn wide open in shock and from Carmen’s horrified face, he could tell he was crying terribly. He couldn’t bring himself to produce any sound though.

“Oh my god!” Carmen said then and flung his arms around him. “Please! Leo, please, talk to me. What has gotten into you?”

“Tell me…,” he managed to whisper. Carmen quickly let go of him and with his hands still holding his face, he looked at the desperate man in front of him; probably expecting something unspeakable. “Tell me…you saw her too! Please!”

Leo held his breath. This couldn’t happen again. Not again.

Carmen didn’t move for what seemed like an eternity, but then he nodded once while breathing just as heavily as Leo.

“I did,” he said. “Who was that?”

It was then Leo didn’t believe to be awake at all. He almost broke down right in front of his friend, who was only able to catch him when he was tilting forward. Instinctively, Leo grabbed Carmen’S jacket and pressed himself as close to him as possible. He needed to feel something that was real right now. Something that was there. Someone who wouldn’t think he was being insane, for he himself doubted it right now more than ever before.

And he was crying. In loud, long screams his emotions just broke free and it was hard for him to even breathe in-between the sobs. Still, he felt Carmen’s hands on his back and no matter how much he moved, he held him. He wouldn’t let go…

He didn’t know how long they had sat there. Now when exactly he had settled down again or what it was Carmen had consistently mumbled into his ear the whole time through while the both of them were rocking back and forth.

He only remembered the one word, he mumbled over and over again…

“Mom!”

 

~ To Be Continued ~

Notes:

Wow this took me long, right? I'm sorry.... I hope you'll enjoy this anyway...and yes, I know my dear friend (you know who you are)...You will give me hell for this XD haha ...love you tho <3

Chapter 6: Falling

Chapter Text

“They went outside?”

“Well, what did you expect us to do? Hold on to him? I don’t think so, Mister!”

“What are you talking about? It’s Leo….He’s…”

Roger couldn’t continue his thoughts though, for all of his roommates started to stare at him in perfect unison; all of them with the most unbelieving look he’d ever seen. It almost made him feel like he had asked something stupid right now. When, for a fact, they had them let slip out of the door when both of them - Leo as well as Carmen - were not exactly having the best days of their lives yet. And when he rewinded that sentence in his head another time, he noticed it might as well be his fault.

He sighed.

It actually was his fault. Unmistakebly and absolutely. Not only had he never mentioned this little mistake (and yes, he had to call it that) before in front of Carmen, who above all had had the right to know; he also had promised; no, sworn to Max to never ever talk about this to anyone….let alone the one closest to him. So, this huge mess they were finding themselves into now, was - no matter how much he tried to turn it around - his fault.

“Roger, believe me. You would have let them go, too,” Scott spoke after a moment.

“Leo is not the kind to...,” he started but was hardly able to finish, as his roommates almost jumped at him.

“This! This wasn’t Leo,” Shirley fell in, for once sounding agrivated. “At least not the one you know!”

“What does that even mean?”

“He was different,” Brian answered with his arms crossed in front of his chest. “And I mean the kind of different which justifies the literal sense of the term.”

“He was so... angry,” Kevin went on. “I never thought I’d see the day when Leo raises his voice at anyone, let alone us. And heaven forbid, whatever it was he had planned to do there... I don’t even want to imagine!”

Roger shook his head in disbelief; not being able to do anything else than stare from one to the other with huge eyes.
Leo couldn’t have lost it like that. He wouldn’t be able to. He had never shown anything like rage or, god forbid, aggressiveness in front of them. Or at least never to any of them. He had to admit he’d never taken the time to really get to know him the way Carmen had and he definitely wasn’t as close as Max - How could he even?- but he knew Leo wasn’t aggressive. Leo wasn’t even capable of showing if he disagreed despite having grown a lot more in standing his ground in the past few years. But whatever they were telling him here was not in the slightest bit comprehensible.

“So, you’re trying to tell me Leo…what? Attacked you or something?” Roger asked, a lot more uncertain now; still digesting what he had heard.

“He did try….I don’t even know what he’s tried there,” Scott replied silently, looking down and clearly puzzling about all this a lot.

For a moment there each of them were quiet. Thinking… About what to do now. About what to say. Sure enough, they could go after them, but the trouble was they didn’t know where they went nor were they entirely sure they wanted company right now.

“But…,” Roger started but then let his hands fall rather quickly and sighed. “we…I mean… I cannot ….”

“Maybe you should have thought of that before spilling your little secrets for everyone to hear,” Shirley shot back, earning not only a look from Roger, but from the rest of the household as well.

And for a split second there, Roger opened his mouth as if he wanted to argue, but then he seemed to think about it once more and decidede to stay silent. A sight that was so rare, each and everyone of the others just kept staring at him. It was a moment, nobody really knew what to say. Not even Brian dared to cast a nasty look at Shirley even though he usually would have.

“It’s YOUR fault!”

They all whirled around hearing the voice from behind them, only to stare at Max, who stood in the hallway, his eyes lowered. He was fixating his shoes but it was plain to see he was beyond aggravated. His hands were formed to shivering fists and he seemed to have troubles not to lift them.

Roger mouthed a slight “What?” but he didn’t seem to be able to properly use his own voice that moment.

“If YOU hadn’t spit out these…things..,” Max suddenly lifted his head and his eyes were burning. “If you hadn’t… told all of this… Even though you knew you shouldn’t have…”

“Max, listen to me…,” Roger lifted his hands soothingly but backed away the very next moment again.

“YOU’VE PROMISED!” Max scremed suddenly. So much, the whole team in the kitchen flinched for a second there. “I ALWAYS ASSUMED CARMEN KNEW, BUT YOU’VE PROMISED NEVER TO SPEAK OF THIS!”

“I’m sorry…I….”

“AND NOW YOU REALLY HAVE THE AUDACITY TO ACCUSE LEO OF…? Of what?…Playing it? MY LEO?? THE ONE YOU’VE NOW UPSET EVEN MORE EVEN THOUGH YOU KNEW HE WASN’T WELL FOR DAYS?” Max kept on screaming, getting dangerously close to Roger now.

“Max…I…”

“YOU KNOW NOTHING! NOT A DAMN THING! WHO KNOWS WHERE HE IS NOW? WHO KNOWS WHAT HE IS GONNA DO??” Max screamed, his eyes filling with tears. “YOU’RE NOT THE ONE WHO FOUND HIM ALL ALONE AT HOME, BLEEDING LIKE NOTHING AND NOT KNOWING WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO HIM!”

The team gasped. And even Roger’s eyes grew wider. There was one small moment in which Max seemed to have realized his words too and he looked almost frightene in a matter of seconds. Roger immediately exploited this moment though and grabbed the other man by his shoulders.

“What do you mean? Bleeding?” he asked then, loud and clear.

Max didn’t look up though, but squinted his eyes up to a point it almost looked painful. His whole body stiffened though and it was plain to see he was fighting his tears.

“MAX!” Roger repeated, almost shaking him now. “What the hell are you not telling here? You’ve said he just felt unwell. You said …he’s had…..was that thing with his hand really an accident?”

“I…,” Max tried to answer, but kept on shaking his head. He didn’t dare to look up at first.

“Are you kidding me?” Roger looked scared now too. “What has happened? THE TRUTH!”

But all of a sudden, Max whirled around, shaking his hands off of himself and stared at him with something the others had to call hate in his eyes. And even though tears were running down his face now, they seemed to fuel his aanger even more.

“SCREW YOU!” He yelled again. “IT WAS NOTHING, OKAY? HE …HE JUST… IT WAS… THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND ANYWAY. OR BLABBER IT TO EVERYONE THE VERY NEXT MOMENT FOR THAT MATTER!”

“Max, would you calm down please?” Scott tried to intervene now, stepping closer carefully. “I think we agreed that this here..,” he pointed at all of them by ciryling his hand around. “… is what Leo sees as family, right? Don’t you think we should have known? Had the right to know?”

“We would have treated him differently then,” Brian nodded in agreement.

“SHUT UP!” Max eyed all of them now. “You don’t know what you’re talking about! He felt safe with you…before he knew!! Before he’s ruined it!”

His finger pointed at Roger once more and his anger was back.

“I told you I am sorry!” Roger tried again, but Max was quicker.

“That doesn’t change a thing, does it?”

“Excuse me, I think for a betrayal like this….there are two parties involved!” Kevin squeaked from behind Scott, where he obviously tried to hide and only dared to peek out behind every once in a while.

This time, for once, Max and Roger turned their heads in perfect union and Kevin immediately vanished behind his taller roommate once again.

Roger sighed then, wiping over his face for once. He turned to Max again.

“Max, listen,” he tried again. “I mean it… I need to know what happened. Please, don’t let me beg. Leo…,” he sighed again, letting his hands fall and for once looked almost defeated. “I swear I cannot make up to you. I promised. I know. I screwed this. But…for God’s sake… If Leo… Please tell me what has happened.”

Max didn’t really react for an eternity, but his face changed.

“You wouldn’t understand..,” he whispered then, still not looking at him though. “Cause you don’t know… What difference does it make whether you knew he’s acting weird or not? For weeks… Or what it is like to find him ramming a knife into his hand…All you’d do is acting like Mother Theresa there and worry about every little step he takes…”

“Do you mean you’re not worried? About… this?” Scott was the first to find his voice again, after all of the others simply stared back at their gues without making only the slightest sound.

Max shrugged, keeping his eyes closed and his head bent down. He seemed to act indifferent on purpose though; more like a child acting stubborn than anything else.

“He…what?” Roger spoke then very hoarsely. He hardly was able to move though and scracely had they ever seen him this shocked. Well, the last time about a few hours ago… “A knife? Max….this…How on earth could this not worry anyone? And why the hell are you so calm about this?”

“Do I look calm?” Max whirled around, facing him again; his face red with anger and his eyes still wet. “God knows, I am worrying sick about this. I have hardly slept since that night… And I’ve brought him here because…,” This part seemed to be especially hard for him to say. “Because…he trusts you. And you have that effect on him. You are able to sooth him…. and…and I just didn’t know what else to do, okay? It seemed to me you’re able to do all the thing I could never… But then.. Then you’ve had to…say what you did…and…and …,” He looked up at them again and for the first time actually said what stoof there like a big pink elephant in the room. “Something’s not right… Not at all…!”

“Max, we’re worried too… How could we not?,” Scott spoke calmly and somehow managed exactly what Max had been describing just now. “To be honest we’ve been since you showed up here at this time of the day. Pretty unusual.”

The others nodded.

“But with this story…,” Shirley intervened now. “I don’t think anyone will forget about this honestly.”

“You should,” Max answered. “And you should soon!”

“Why?”

“Cause he doesn’t want anyone to know,” he finally dared to face them too. “And …and I’ve promised him not to say a word about what has happened. He’s gonna trust me even less if you do.”

All of them shared some confused looks. Neither knew what to say or do. Kevin rubbed his neck in uncertainty, while Scott and Brian looked more than worried at each other. Shirley jsut stared back at Max with the most maternal look he had ever seen on her. And Roger…

Roger lifted his hand once or twice, as if to comfort Max somehow, but each time, he let it fall again, because he didn’t quite seemed to know what exactly he wanted to say here.

“Well, it seems…,” he said then quietly, staring at his own feet. All the others turned their heads to him. “It seems Carmen is the only one right now who can offer what none of us could…”

They all thought about it for a moment.
“I hope you’re right…,” Scott said then, turning his head towards the entrance door…

 

______________________

It had gotten rather late.

He didn’t know how long he ahd sat there in that alley with Leo in his arms, but when he finally had gotten him to get up again, it had taken them a while to decide where to go now. Leo hadn’t said much, but had been determined he wasn’t gonna go back. Not to them. Not tonight.

“They will be worried,” Carmen had replied silently, but never once had he tried to convince him to return. Maybe because he’d wanted to escape this horrible day as well or maybe cause he’d been worried to death about what had just happened to Leo. The truth was though, he couldn’t even tell himself. It felt dangerous to stay out here, yet anything was more freeing than the townhouse.

They had wandered a while through the city after it had become clearer that Leo was able to walk on his own again. A little shaky at first, but more and more steady they had just marched on. Slowly and with no real destination at hand.

Whether they would have walked the whole night like this or not, neither of them were able to say, but luckily they had reached a part of the city that was at least somewhat familiar to them.

Leo had looked around at first, trying hard to orientate, but Carmen had answered the unspoken question for him without even looking up.

“We’re close to Christopher Street,” he had mumbled.

“How do you know?” Leo had asked with a voice very unlike himself. He was croaky and silent after having almost screamed his lungs out back there. And also his tired body had taken its toll by then.

Carmen had shrugged and crossed his arms in front of his body. It had been then Leo had noticed he was shivering. Maybe because it had become colder the longer the night lasted, but maybe because he, too, had to comprehend everything and it had started to sink in.

“How could I not notice?” Carmen had answered, smiling slightly at him from the corners of his mouth. Then he’d nodded at one corner close to them, to the tall old building in grayish brickstone that also Leo was bound to recognize everywhere again…

“Oh,” Leo had replied. And then he had felt even worse than before, because he knew someone would probably not return voluntarily to a place he had witnessed the death of several people and almost having fallen off a building himself, while still blaming himself for it all. “We can turn…”

“Where to?” Carmen had asked sincerely.

Leo hadn’t known an answer. He hadn’t even had the strength to shrug at that moment and his tired eyes probably had said everything.

“We used to spend the nights in old buildings like this,” Carmen had went on then, looking up the building. “When we couldn’t rent anywhere…”

“You mean… in something like this?” Leo didn’t quite believe what he implied here.

“Yeah, when everything prevented you from living somehwere because of who you were…,” Carmen had turned then and again, smiled gently at Leo. “But now… We can luckily afford a hotel room or something. Come on. I know where to go…”

He’d let them across Christopher Street where, once or twice, people - complete strangers to them - greeted them enthusiastically and waved towards them, but Leo had stayed apathetic more than reacting in any kind of way. Carmen had looked down from time to time, seemingly embarrased, but didn’t seem to know how to react either. Leo assumed it had been because they recognized him and he still wasn’t used to this - or didn’t want to get used to it. Who knew for sure?

They had arrived at a small inconspicuous looking building after a while. It turned out to be one of those old run-down hour hotels not really meant for tourists or staing for a longer time. Leo hadn’t even known these were a thing here, but then…with what Carmen had told him, it probably was profitable around this corner when a lot of poeple would check in here probably more than just once a day for either staying somewhere or for…other reasons.
Climbing up the steps to the small narrow corridors to the thrid storey after checking in there only had confirmed his suspicion when at least three times a bunch of young men stumbled past them and once even a door closed on them when they went past it and by the little glimpse Leo had been able to get inside, the room was filled with young women trying to hide from sight in the equally long rooms.

And now, they were in front of a brittle old wooden door in a washed out dark green that should dosplay the number Twentysix, but apparently the ‘Six’ was on the edge of falling down and hung there losely almost one line lower, which made it almost look like a ‘Nine’. Both of them turned their heard to the left at first, looking at a Twentyseven and then to the right, greeted by a shiny golden Twentyfive. They exchanged looks once and shrugged, so opened that old door.

The room was as shabby as the building made it seem from the outside with old grayish flowery wallpapers, which gave the impression of teapestry but with a lot less dust and a dark brown wooden table in one corner on which the edges had been worn off - probably from having been moved and used a million times before.
A narrow old wooden bed with a ruby-red coverlet in the middle of that room-hose and some yellowed thick cutrains rounded up the rather shabby look of that scenery perfectly, but yet, as they closed the door it seemed like the perfect hide out for a night or two. And luckily, nobody had asked any questions…

“Well, not exactly the Ritz but close,” Carmen cast hima smug grin before stepping inside after Leo.

“Better idea than staying outside,” he answered without looking at him. “You won’t freeze in here at least.”

“And you should sleep,” Carmen answered, crossing his arms in front of his chest again, looking worries again. “It’s been a long day after all…”

“I’m not sure I can,” Leo answered, looking around and freezing at the look of the bed.

“Well, you could try at least,” Carmen replied, moving over to hima s well and immediately shook up the covers.

Leo didn’t reply but just kept staring to the ground. If he hadn’t been standing on his two feet - though his hand had a firm grip on the wall next to him - Carmen would have sworn he wasn’t even awake this moment. Never before had he seem him that still. Not even his body seemed to move from the inaudible breaths he was logically taking.

“Hey… You sure you’re okay?” He asked then softly, lifting himself up again.

Leo nodded immediately. But he didn’t look up.

“I’m just not… not sure…”

“‘Bout what to think?”

Leo then turned to him with huge eyes and looked like a child about to cry.

“About what we’re doing here,” he whispered then.

Carmen bit his lips.

“Well… We’re …erm…”

Leo shook his head immediately.

“Do you think they did this when we were around as well?” He followed him with his eyes.

Carmen was taken aback a little. This was what he was thinking about? He didn’t answer right away but hurried over to his friend and took him by the arm gently.

“Hey… Come on,” he led him to the bed and made him sit down by pressing his shoulders down. “You musn’t wonder about this now. I think all this is kind of shocking enough.”

Leo got free of his shoes by himself and immediately fell back, his head pressing into the pillow as if it was the most uncomfortable thing to do. Carmen flung the old blanket over him and tugged it under the sides of the mattress. He stood by this. He was sure Leo would at least feel a bit better once he had slept. God knew when he last had really, because clearly a lot had happened lately that didn’t match up with everything he had witnessed.

“Wait,” he heard Leo then and immeadiately turned towards him again. “Where will you stay?”

Leo was propping himself up again with his arms, searching for Carmen’s eyes as if he was scared he might go away.

“There’s a stool over there,” he pointed at the old table. “Leaned to a wall this’ll work.”

“No!”

“Leo don’t be ridicculous…”

“NO!” Leo was up again in a second. “I won’t let you sleep leaned to a wall. This is a shitty idea.”

“Well, what do you expect?” Carmen answered a little more enraged than he should have. “After what has happened?…I cannot…. I mean…”

“You said you’ve done this before!” Leo interrupted him without hesitation. “What’s the problem now?”

“Leo, you need rest…”

“No, not like this,” he stretched out his arms to Carmen, suggesting him to come closer and immediately he could see the determination in him melting away into something that looked almost considering. “Please….come here. Don’t leave me alone in this…”

Carmen sighed and let his arms fall, closing his eyes. But then he looked at Leo once more and slowly moved over to him.

He sat down next to him on the bed and slowly - very slowly - let his hbody sink down oon the squeaky mattress as well, when Leo only took a second to lift the huge blanket and cover him too. Carmen didn’t dare to look at him, but nodded once before turning out the light on the little switch on his left and settling down again. Still uncomfortable. Still not able to really move. He could hear Leo breathing next to him and he could feel his eyes on his back; so somehow knew without turning he was awake.

“How did you do this?” Leo asked after a while; almost cutting the silence. “I mean…when you had to…?”

Carmen didn’t answer right away, but thought about how to react. But then he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, pulling that blanket a little closer to himself.

“Mostly… ony the ground…with ten or more,” he answered then in nothing more than a whisper. “It was all we could have done…”

“Wasn’t this hard to do?”

Carmen shook his head nearly not visible but still didn’t turn.

“It was all that was possible… And at least you were kept warm,” he whispered back. “And as funny as that sounds…if they caught you… you weren’t alone in this…”

Leo knew what he meant. It was still hard to imagine it though. He’d heard about this before but imagining these raids on a good dozen of people with all of them probably having been beaten unconscious when caught and then being thrown into jail or locked away or worse wasn’t the thing he could ever feel as something else but far far away from himself. And yet, Carmen knew how that felt. And he remembered Clara did too…

Clara…

His mind strolled back to the darkness of the theatre, where the tall guy and grinned at him so deviously. He had seemed so real… So alive. So much like…he would start asking him, what this whole mood was about? Why he wasn’t able to enjoy what had been given to him…a second chance? But then again…He probably wouldn’t have run from him in silence…

“Did you really see him?” He heard Carmen ask after a moment of complete silence. But still he wouldn’t turn or move a bit. He almost seemed stiff and maybe didn’t want to provoke the wrong impression, even though this sharing a bed had been Leo’s idea all along.

Leo’s eyes grew bigger though. “How…?”

“You were mumbling his name,” Carmen finally turned to catch Leo’s face, but kept the blanket pulled up to his chin.

Leo looked at him with his huge eyes and didn’t say anything. He tried to recap his thoughts up to that point but no… he didn’t notice saying any of this out loud

“Maybe you’ve mistaken him… you know… maybe someone looked like him,” Carmen spoke again after having watched him closely.
But Leo shook his head again.

“You said there was nobody there,” he whispered back as if some reassurance would help in this situation. And maybe it really would. Hearing once more he’d simply been wrong… As plain as that. Maybe it would help him getting along with …well, everything.

“Do you think we should have gone after her?” he heard Carmen again.

Leo lifted his head slightly to see Carmen’s eyes again. Eyes which were almost piercing him in a worried kind of way. And for a second there, he wondered if he only imagined the concern or if this was more about putting him on some crazy side again. But the more he thought about it, the less it made sense to him. This wasn’t Max. Or Roger. Or anyone else who thought he was simply overworked or still suffering from some aftermaths.
What got himself doubting all this though was one simple small question…

“Gone after whom?” he asked almost not audible.

And within a heartbeat his eyes changed.

“Leo…,” Carmen propped himself up again. And he stared at him for what seemed an eternity. “You don’t remember?”

Leo held his gaze though until he couldn’t think of anything else to say. His head turned a little and he quinted his eyes, trying so hard to prevent his tears from coming.

“I’m sorry, you’re right… I’m tired…,” he answered. “I’m mixing things up.”

And there they were. The tears. He could feel them filling his eyes. He tried to sniff them away but he was certain Carmen must have noticed.
Only a second later he could already feel a hand softly on his shoulder.
With his sight still blurry, he opened his eyes and knew in an instance Carmen was smiling. Not angry…Not trying to fix him or blaming it on something…

“Hey,” he heard him saying. “It’s gonna be alright. Believe me. When you’ve had a rest, everything will look differently and we’ll figure it out. After all we always have, right?” Somehow he didn’t sound as sure as before though.

Leo nodded once and pulled the blanket higher too.

“Do you … do you think…,” he swallowed hard, but then asked again. “Do you think they did this while we were there already?”

And as much as he needed an answer to this, he knew - deep down - Carmen couldn’t give it. The only ones who could were not here and he was too scared of the answer. He couldn’t even imagine what seeing them again would feel like… But he could almost hear every single excuse Max would come up with.
And just like that he felt more lonely than ever before.
What if it was true? What if…?

The only thing he had been sure of for years…every since they finally had opened to one another and finally called their relationship by its name… This had been the only thing that had kept him going. And he had been certain he would never doubt that. He hadn’t even after everything that had happened to them… But what if it indeed was fake? What if it had never been the way he had seen it all along? What if it was a lie?

Leo felt his body shivering again.

The wind was softly blowing through the window and the heavy curtains were moving slightly, but it wasn’t enough to make him shiver. No, this was a different kind of shivering. One he knew and one that scared him, if he was honest. And that anger… He felt it creeping up from inside his stomach and he knew this was gonna get stronger.
He squinted his eyes again and pulled the blanket closer to his body, almost coiling up as much as he was able to in this small bed. He could feel his whole body starting to tremble and didn’t know what to do. This just wasn’t good.
But then he felt Carmen’s arms tightening around him and knew he immediately got that something was wrong.
He didn’t think for long and pressed himself as closely to the other man’s body as possible, while Carmen flung his arms around him.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he heard him say in a mere whisper and felt his hands stroking his hair and his chin resting on his body while he himself held on to Carmen’s shirt as tightly as possible.

And then another thought crossed his mind:

It must be as painful for him to know this as it was for himself. How could he find the strength to stay calm and even comfort him too? Maybe it was, because they kind of were in the same boat here. Or maybe cause he knew about Roger’s behavior… Leo opened his eyes slightly. Or maybe…

Maybe he simply wasn’t as useless and emotional as himself. As everybody saw him. As everybody always rubbed it in his face every minute of the day… As Roger saw him. And Max saw him…

The shivering of his body intesified immediately.

Max had always seen him as the weaker part. He knew. And as much as he’d believed to have changed, he had to admit, right now, he somehow was. A magnet to everything that had happened to them. And the part that was way too emotional to see it realistically… And it made him even angrier,e ven though he tried hard to swallow it and tell himself over and over again it was gonna be okay. This wasn’t gonna last forever. But he couldn’t shake this anger. A huge, unknown wave of anger. With himself for being the way he was. And with everyone around him for doing this to him when he trusted them more than anything. With Roger for never having told him, even though he had always sworn to only want the best for him. And with Max… for betraying his trust for the oompteenth time. For hurting him like this when he perfectly well knew, this was all he had.
He slightly opened his eyes and knew what he wanted to do right then. He wanted him to feel this way. Just once in his life. He wanted him to feel as worthless and insignificant as he made him believe. He wanted him to dive into the pain of a broken heart more than anything and feel the mental and physical pain it caused… He wanted… he wanted him to suffer just as much. He wanted him to really understand what it was like to be trapped inside the mind of Leo Bloom.

He lifted his head slightly and looked up…

Carmen immediately got this and pressed his forehead to Leo’s, as if to say ‘I’m here, don’t worry!’. Strangely enough, this was what Leo needed right now. This was what he knew would help and this was the only thing that would hurt Max just as much…

He lifted his head only a little and their noses touched.

Carmen still stroked his hair to comfort him, but didn’t leave him out of sight for one second. He seemed so unbelievably calm, he surely hoped it would spring over to Leo, even though Leo knew perfectly well this was an act. Maybe he was used to stay calm in hard situation, considering his past. Or maybe he simply knew anything else would have upset him even more. He couldn’t really say what it was…
But in Leo’s head, all of it made sense right now…and it was so simple.

He leaned forwards a little more and gently pressed his lips on Carmen’s…

What he hadn’t expected though was the abrupt twitch in which Carmen pulled away from him, propping himself up again and staring at him with wide eyes.

“What the hell?”

“Don’t!”

“What?” He was immediately on his feet again, pressing his body to the wall and staring at the younger man with a shocked gaze. “You can’t be freakin’ serious!”

But this time it was Leo, almost not moving. He had lifted himself up and suddenly spoke very sonorous; very distinguished as though every word had been planned in advance.

“Think about it,” he said. “we’ve been hurt. And betrayed… And sure as hell we both could use some distraction.”

Carmen threw his arms up though.

“Are you even listening to yourself?” He asked and for once, Leo was almost proud of having caught him off-guard. So, he wasn’t at all as relaxed as he pretended to be. “Leo…you can’t be serious…”

“You cannot tell me you don’t want them to regret it too,” Leo went on.

“No, I’m not,” Carmen whirled around, almost screaming now. He crossed his arms in front of his body again, as if he was trying to secure himself somehow. “I’m as hurt as you are. I’m confused and angry. Sure… But Leo, I’m not cruel!”

Leo didn’t react at all. He just kept piercing his friend there, pressed to the wall and freaking out like that. The corners of his mouth formed a smug grin though.

“Means you’ve thought about it as well?” he stated then.

Carmen jeered, not believing what he had just said. HIs eyes were still teared open wide and he slowly shook his head.

“You just cannot mean this!” he answered then.

“And you didn’t answer,” Leo still grinned.

“I don’t need to,” Carmen replied immediately and let his hands fall. He looked angry now. Something Leo noticed and what - he noticed in surprise - made him feel something close to proud. Funny, was this the feeling of being superior for once?

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Carmen yelled at him then, his hands forming fists. “Are you really that far off your mind that you want to hurt people just to see them suffer? Are you THAT desperate for attention?”

It was then a tremor ran through Leo and his face changed again. He looked at Carmen and bit his lips. He teared his eyes wide open and for once didn’t seem to believe what had just happened. Slowly he backed away a little more.

Carmen seemed to notice it that moment too, though. He gasped slightly, realizing what had just slipped out of his mouth and immediately his hands fell again. Neither of them said anything, but just stared at one another for a couple of minutes. They could hear the noises from the other rooms in that silence so clearly and even the knocking on the wall from a storey deeper, followed by the inevitable screaming to ‘Knock it off!’ and the screaming back of unintelligible words from somewhere else. But they didn’t care. Not right now.

Only when Leo finally averted his eyes, they seemingly dared to breathe again.

“Forgive me,” Leo murmured then and pressed his head to the pillow once more while pulling the blanket up again. He turned around the very next moment, so all Carmen could do was to stare at his back.

But what the hell was this about? He still tried to make sense out of this but somehow this had been so unlike Leo than everything he’d ever gotten to know before. And right now he really started to worry. He thought back on what he had said. And he was a hundred percent sure he had been referring to his mother back outside. If that really was his mother… Leo hadn’t said a word about her after he had calmed down. What if he really didn’t remember? What if everything was going to get worse? This here was a pretty good indicator everything was far from being okay after all.
Something wasn’t right with him, he had to admit now too. But this here… This …person…was so far away from the kind, shy, altruistic Leo he knew as he was from being okay with everything they’d learned that night. It was almost as though for a slight second someone else was here with him in this old run-down room…

Carmen tried to think of what to do, but really nothing came to him. So he grabbed one of the smaller blankets underneath the covers and a pillow and threw it carelessly to the ground, placing himself down there as well.

This whole situation was cursed somehow. More like a bad dream and he wished so much he would just wake up. And find nothing about this had happened. But when life had taught him one thing it was that this shit was always finding a way back unless they found a solution. And with Leo remaining silent about it all this was going to be pretty hard to accomplish.

He listened to the sounds around him. All these unfamiliar things in a horrible unfamiliar surrounding. He didn’t even know how much time had passed since he had moved to the ground here, but one thing was a certainty: He wouldn’t get much sleep. He lay there, in the dark, with his eyes wide open, just staring at the wall. And he couldn’t even start to sort all the things in his head out right now.

He needed to find out… Somehow. Maybe that even needed speaking to Max. To Roger. Anyone really, who could provide a little hint about this here. Maybe…

He was interrupted rather quickly then, when he felt a soft bump next to him and only a moment after a pait of arms flung around him.

For a second there, he forgot to breathe but lay completely still.

Leo pressed himself against him again and his sobs were very plain to hear.

Carmen didn’t say anything, but kept staring a hole into the wall. But then he remembered he had to breathe, no matter if he wanted to or not. His body did it all alone.
So, he closed his eyes and clenched his teeth.

“Leo…,” he whispered.

“I’m sorry,” Leo whispered desperately, pressing himself even closer. “I’m sorry I did this to you… You…you must think of me as a total lunatic… And you’re right. Oh god, you’re right…”

Carmen sighed. As much as he liked to he didn’t have words for the controversy happening in his head right now. But then he sighed and turned around again, finding Leo there next to him. Pressed into the small space between the bed and the wall with him, looking more than desperate with his huge red swollen eyes.

“I never wanted to make you feel unconfortable,” he sobbed and once or twice his voice broke. “I just…I cannot grasp…why they would do this… When…when everything I ever wanted was there… When I thought…they’d see it the same way… And…and I…”

He couldn’t go on as his crying intesified then and his voice broke comepletey. So, he just closed his eyes and averted his head, giving the picture of extreme embarrassement.

Screw this. Nobody was that heartless…

Against his first instinct, Carmen flung his arms around him again, pulling him closer and stroking his back.

“Shh, I know,” he whispered, but had to swallow too. He tried hard to force himself to forget he wasn’t well either. As was Leo… Not a good combination right now. “I know. I know…”

“No, you don’t…,” Leo sobbed. “He doesn’t understand…He will do this again. Over and over again. It’s like he seeks for ways to hurt me…all the time…”

“What are you talking about? He cares about you every second,” Carmen tried to soothe him, but wondered that very moment if it sounded like he ought to say it. He wasn’t even sure he meant it really. “Leo, he’s going crazy about the way you’re acting lately… He would never hurt you. Not you!”

Leo jeered hearing it.

“Believe me this once,” Carmen made him look at him by softly lifting his chin with his hand. And he forced himself into a smile. “He’s probably worrying sick right now…”

It caused Leo to cry even more though. “Yeah just like Roger usually runs after you…”

He earned a look and immediately sniffed again. “I’m sorry,” he looked up. “I shouldn’t have said this…”

Carmen shook his head though. “It’s okay…,” He wasn’t even wrong about this. “I think we’re pretty even with mean things to throw at each other now…”

“I’m sorry…,” Leo repeated looking him straight in the eyes.

“Yeah,” Carmen nodded. “Me too…”

Leo sniffed again and Carmen still didn’t continue to stroke his back, when Leo started to slowly fumble around with his chains. He looked at them this closely for the first time really and gently turned them in his hands while otherwise keeping completely still. Carmen didn’t say a word but observed him closely.

“Don’t you ever get rid of them?” Leo asked after a while.

Carmen shrugged indifferently.

“They mean something…,” Leo concluded, looking from the chains up to Carmen again.

“They were a gift,” he simply stated and there wasn’t much more he needed to say to make Leo understand. His eyes grew a little and then his gaze wandered to the golden metal in his hands again.

He thought about it a moment. But then he lifted them slightly and indicated to take them off, when Carmen grabbed his writst gently.

He didn’t say anything though but just looked at him pleadingly. Leo then touched his cheek once and smiled slightly. He shook his head.

“Don’t worry…,” he whispered as he softly lifted the chains over his head until he had them separated from his friend. Carmen still didn’t look convinced, but Leo placed them on the small nightstand above their heads before turning to his friend again.

He pressed his forehead to Carmen’s, just as he had done it before and stroked over his cheek once again. And he moved closer…

“Leo…,” Carmen croaked once, but there wasn’t enough space for him to back away. He didn’t move a bit though anyway.

“I know,” Leo replied, moving closer still.

“This is wrong…,” Carmen whispered, looking a little scared right now. But still he didn’t fight him.

“Is it?,” Leo stopped, looking questioningly at his friend. “Feeling something…anything when you’ve been numb for so long…is wrong?”

Carmen didn’t know what to say to that. He just stared back at him and funny enough even considered the words he’d just heard. And then it happened again. But he didn’t move a bit when Leo bend forwards again, kissing him softly.

Feeling something…

The same phrase Roger had always vindicated his actions… Almost always nothing had had something to do with love or compassion. It had been merely to feel…anything. And somehow, strangely enough, it was this moment he understood what Roger had meant all that time back… Understood why he had done it. So why should it be bad? Just by the mere definition of it?

He didn’t know. But he kept forgetting about it as he closed his eyes as well and replied to Leo’s kiss…

___________________

 

“It’s almost break of dawn…”

“They will be alright,” Max heard Brian say next to him but only turned to look at him shortly before gazing outside the window into the dark street again.

He simply nodded, but his thoughts were not exactly as enthusiastic. Leo never vanished. Leo never not said where he was going and even when he had vspent evenings with Carmen somehwere, he would always be back at some point. But then Leo had vanished before just a couple of days before. And he had been just as aggravated as this time.

Max sighed.

No, not true. This time had been worse.

He closed his eyes, trying to make sense of it.

Leo wasn’t well. He had known since the day he’d first noticed his shivering hands. Even the last idiot would have noticed once he had grabbed that knife without hesitation. But then… He had wanted to help him. He had wanted him to feel more like himself again. But instead he had done the worst possible thing: He hd betrayed him. His trust. His beliefs. Everything… And he felt miserable just thinking about it. what must it feel like to experience it first hand?

The door to the living room opened again and he turned.

Roger silently stepped inside and closed it behind him again. His hair hung losely down his face and - still wet from the rain outside - dripped on his shoulders. Of course, Kevin immediately came running towards him and handed him a white towel, which the tall man threw around his shoulders in one move.

He then looked up and his eyes met Max’s.

Roger shook his head.

Damn it!

Max clenched his teeth and exhaled sharply. This couldn’t be true.

“Our turn then,” Scott said and was immediately on his feet. His roommates nodded and followed him without hesitation into the hallways where they put on coats and grabbed umbrellas.

Max saw them and sighed again.

All this waiting drove him nuts if he was honest.
They had agreed on taking turns in looking for them after they hadn’t been back several hours later. This way someone would always be home in case they decided to come back. Max had wanted to go back to the office and see if they magically thought about appearing there, but his arguments had been destroyed pretty quickly. Firstly, they probably wouldn’t and secondly Roger had suggested he’d stay cause he was probably gonna end up looking for them himself and he knew what a mad Max could be able to do: a lot of stupid things. But the more probable reason was, Roger was still very careful about this since the last time it had ended with him being in a hospital and despite everything awoke there, true, but with a memory loss that could have turend out much worse than what it had ended with. And he just didn’t want to push their luck even more. Still, it had been hours since Max had gone on the first tour with Kevin…

The four of them nodded once and hurried outside again, leaving a befuddled Max and a gloomy looking Roger back behind them.

Roger then walked past Max and patted him on the shoulders softly. He probably wanted to reassure him somehow. But if he was being honest, it jsut did the exact opposite.

So he went into the living room again and let himself fall down the huge couch. Max followed him, but took his place on the window again, continuing to stare straight ahead; his arms folded and his face worried.

“I’m sure nothing will have happened though,” Roger said after a moment, turning in his direction. His voice sounded soothing, but his face told a whole nother story. Max could tell.

“You haven’t seen him,” Max replied silently. “I swear to God, this wasn’t Leo… It was… someone else.”

“Do you think he just snapped?” Roger sounded worried again.

Max shook his head without looking at him.

“I honestly think this has to do with his injury,” he replied after his thoughts were on track again.

“You mean…the…?”

Max nodded, turning his head to the older man.

“There is something….I don’t know how to explain it…Something he hasn’t under control,” he whispered then. “This is not a mood swing or snapping or whatever else could be possible. Believe me, I’ve seen all this before. THIS is ….something different. And I believe he has no control over it whatsoever… It’s…”

Again, he sighed.

“It’s as though… He becomes….someone else…”

Roger listened to him, but his face froze almost. Then he blinked once and stared straight ahead. A million things run through his head all at once and he just did not know what to say or do. Truth was, he had ruined this. One thing he couldn’t shake though. He had been a main trigger in this. He and his loose mouth…

“Max?”

He waited shortly for a reaction before continuing.

“I’m really sorry about all this,” he was looking down now, fumbling with his fingers. “I know I’ve been screwing this… I never should have… I should have listened to Scott…”

Max’s face remained blank.

“Forget it, will you?” He turned towards the window again. “He does know now and nothing you say can take it back… It doesn’t matter anyway. It lies in the past. It’s not like we did something bad apart from not telling them…”

There was no reaction. Something Max noticed but put aside as agreement before he ehard a soft harrumph from the man behind him.

Slowly something dawned to him… Something unspeakable he never once thought about before… And a coldness started to creep up his body which was a good sign for something being not right here.
Slowly he turned again, seeing Roger sitting there in front of him, with his eyes averted and that distinctive look of guilt on his face. On his whole being really.

“Roger?” he asked, but the other man just nodded as if to display he heeard him alright. “What is it?” Something told him though this was the wrong question.

So he marched over to Roger and stemmed his hands into the armrest of that couch, beding over to him and immediately knew he was intimadating him.

“There’s something you don’t tell…,” he said then after wtinessing said guilt from close up. “What is it?”

“What?,” Roger jeered, trying very obviously to overplay it. “What are you talking about? Isn’t all of this bad enough without you overreacting now too?”

He tried to get up, but wasn’t making it very far since Max would almost jump in his way and blocking out every escape for him.

“I mean it!” He almost screamed at this part. “What is it? Don’t think I can’t tell you’re hiding something… I’ve known you long enough!”

“It’s nothing…it’s..”

“ROGER!”

Roger sighed then and let his arms fall.

“It…might…,” he started closing his eyes and turning his head away slightly. “It might not…have been…”

“What? What hasn’t been?” Max was getting furious now. “Not as you made them believe? You mean this could have been avoidable? Are you kidding me?”

“Max…”

“You’ve cause this! This whole mess… Leo might just needed some rest and you…you had to go and…and…”

“MAX!” Roger grabbed his arms in midair then, holding completely still with a firm grip and literally forced him to look at him again. “It might not…have been…just in the past…”

Max’s eyes widened immediately. He gasped and stumbled backwards a few steps, but didn’t make it fast because Roger was still holding on to him.

“What?”

“Listen, I know… I know this gives the wrong impression and we surely should have told them at this point,” Roger tried to talk himself out of the embarrassing situation. “But you must admit at this point it wasn’t necessary to cause them any more harm wouldn’t you agree?”

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TELLING ME HERE?” Max almost smashed his arms away from himself, stepping back even more and looking at him in pure shock. “WASN’T WHAT YOU HAVE DONE ENOUGH ALREADY?”

“Calm down, okay?” Roger lifted his hands to show him he meant no harm, but Max was besides himself at that point. “It’s not the end of the world…we just should absolutely agree about what to do about this…!”

“STOP THIS!” Max yelled, his face red again. He lifted his shivering fists jsut as though he was ready to attack any minute. “WHY? WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MAKING UP STUFF? ISN’T ALL THIS HORRIBLE ENOUGH AS IT IS?”

This was when Roger paused in astonishment and his eyes grew in realization…

“You…You don’t remember?”

_____________

“Carmen?”

It felt like the middle of the night. Or at least he just had closed his eyes when something disrupting reminded his brain to work again.

“Carmen?”

It took him a second to realize someone was calling him. Somewhere in the distance. But this must have been him dozing off. His brain was playing tricks on him for sure and he wouldn’t remember any of this in the morning.

“Please, could you get up?”

It was that moment he opened his eyes in shock and startled up; the blanket falling off his upper body. He looked around for a second, trying to make out why he was in this strange place…on this bed… and not dressed…

Leo stood next to him, looking tousled and with an expression as though he was both ashamed and close to the edge of freaking out right now.

He took a closer look at him.

He was standing there, stooped and only wearing his pants which he probably had gotten on just now. But something wasn’t okay. Large stains of a much darker color were to be seen all across the fabric, even with only the little purpelish light the dawn provided. As Carmen’s gaze wandered up to him he saw he was holding his right arm tightly and pressed a loosely crumbled stack of what seemed to be toiled paper on it. But it was starting to drip on the ground too, matching that color of the stains.

“Holy sh…”

In a matter of seconds he propped himself up and groped for the switch. Once he’d found it and turned on the light, both of them were blinded for a second and had to cover their eyes with their arms for a second, but it didn’t take him too long to grab Leo’s arm.

“What the hell have you done?” he almsot screamed in shock.

Leo was close to the edge of crying. Whether out of pain or out of embarrassment he couldn’t make out though.

“It was an accident…,” he whispered. “Can you do something? I can’t stop it…”

In no time at all, Carmen was out of bed and had dressed sloppily, helping Leo into his shirt and jacket. He almost pushed him to the door when he remembered something important still. So, he almost ran back to the night stand and caught the chains lying there with one hand. He returned to Leo, who started to sway already and tried to get a hold of himself by leaning to the wall. So, carelessly he plugged them into the bags of his jacket before supporting him by flinging his arm around his own should and carefully grabbed his hips in order not to hurt him any more.

“Where are we going?” Leo whispered, but it was plain to see, he was pale and the holes around his eyes were beginning to turn into a darker color.

“What do you think?” Carmen replied in a hurry. “A doctor… This needs someone to look at it.”

“No,” Leo stemmed himself against his friend with the little strength he still had. He must have lost a lot of blood and probably feeling dizzy already from the look of it. “Please… I can’t…”

“Leo, be reasonable here,” Carmen pled. Gosh, he hoped he didn’t sound too anxious right now. Leo wouldn’t take this well for sure. But this…THIS right here was scaring the shit out of himself and he knew for a certainty this could easily end in a disaster. He simply had to do what was right right now. “This isn’t something you or me can fix… Please, let me get you to a doctor.”

Leo’s breaths became heavier though and as much as he wanted to answer - he opened his mouth even - it took him an enormous effort obviously and he couldn’t do much more than nod at that point. A weary, exhausted looking nod.

__________

It had taken him not really long to get a cab and place Leo inside. A miracle, he thought, considering this time of the day. Yet it taken him everything he could provide to keep Leo awake during the trip to the next hospital.

And now he was sitting there, on a bench in front of a large room with a metallic looking blue door, staring to the linoleum ground, wishing so much somebody would tell him anything. The looks of the nurses when they had arrived here had spoken volumes. So much, that he totally lost it and despite his usually kind manners, he had screamed at her to let him see somebody right away before threatening her with legal consequences. It had worked though, but now he was feeling like shit. Not only had he behaved in a way so unlike himself, no. He had also allowed Leo to hurt himself, even though he was supposed to watch over him. He hadn’t even gotten out of him what had happened.

He looked down at his hands, which were blood-stained still and shivering.

An accident?

What on earth could cause someone to almost chop his arm off? Or at least that’s how it had looked to Carmen. He should have prevented this. Never could this have been an accident? It had looked more like Leo had been hurting himself on purpose. But wasn’t this absurd? Leo would never…Leo couldn’t…

Carmen sighed, resting his head in his hands.

From all he’s witnessed so far, he wasn’t sure anymore. Was this still Leo? And if so….what had caused this change in him? What was happening here?

As much as he tried to distract him, he just wasn’t capable. And having his hands so close to his face right now, it was impossible not to think of him. Hell, he even could smell him all around himself.

Carmen suddenly tore his eyes open wide.

Shit!

He remembered… Remembered what had happened….What he had let himself agree to…

He closed his eyes for a moment…

This was bad…Beyond bad. It never - not in a million years - should have happened. What the hell had he been thinking? What had he done? He wasn’t even certain this had been Leo who had shown up next to his bed, begging him to help him in the middle of the night… And the more flashbacks came back to him from the night, the more he was certain he had seen that smug grin on his face every other moment… This had been…someone else… Not Leo. The kind, naive Leo… And he had let it happen…

He was close to tears now.

Sniffing once, he looked up the long hallway. There was no way anyone would tell him anything, since he wasn’t family. He was nothing to him. All he was, was the guy who had brought him here in the middle of the night, looking pretty much like some hook-up, which, if he was lucky enough, wouldn’t lead them to getting arrested. It was illegal after all…

His gaze wandered around still until it stopped at an old coin-operated telephone in the farthest corner.

“I must be out of my mind,” he thought but got up wearily and moved over there. He searched his pockets for a coin or two and was even lucky enough to find one. Another miracle in this night, he thought and almost had to grin.

He dialed the first number he could think of and hoped with all might they would pick up. It was a rather unusual time after all.

It rang… and rang. And rang.
Until that revealing clicking sound at the other side told him he was lucky with this too…
“Hello?” he could hear a familiar sounding, almost desperate voice.

“Rog?” he closed his eyes, and leaned his forehead to the wall, sighing. “I… We need your help…”

It took him a good deal to even get the address of this hospital to tell him, but somehow he had managed it after a couple of minutes, completely ignoring all the screams and questions of his partner on the other side. He didn’t care to explain. Not like this. Not on the phone. And not now… There was nothing he could explain anyway, when he wasn’t understanding half of it himself.

He hung up the phone when Roger wanted to start another couple of questions, but apparently his money had come to an end and the connection was cut off anyway. So all he heard for a terrible long moment was the toot of the line. A noise which kind of made as little sense as everything he was in right now.

He turned to go back to that horrible bench in front of that door when he spotted something from the corners of his eyes…

And turning his head slightly, he gasped again.

Behind the glass to the visitor’s area, a woman pressed her face to the pan… An awfully familiar woman… With the same dark eyes Leo had and the same hair color…

“You?” he held his breath.

 

~ To Be Continued ~

Chapter 7: Hurting

Chapter Text

“All men have stars, but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems... But all these stars are silent. You-You alone will have stars as no one else has them... In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars will be laughing when you look at the sky at night..You, only you, will have stars that can laugh! And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me... You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure... It will be as if, in place of the stars, I had given you a great number of little bells that knew how to laugh”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

 

Isn’t falling the first step of flying?
Isn’t crying just all the love you cannot express?
Isn’t every end just a beginning?

Why do you see me as something that needs fixing then?

—~~—

When they arrived at the hospital it wasn’t easy for them to get past that angry looking nurse, who obviously had had it with a couple of guys walking into there, looking as though they’ve all been from the same side of the city and - judged by the looks she gave them - she could nail it down to one district pretty easily.

But somehow they managed to step behind the glassy wall after a couple of minutes and appeared in the hallway where Carmen sat on that bench still; his head in his hands. He only noticed they were there when Roger literally glomped him and held him tight in a bear hug. But Carmen simply hung there in his arms without reciprocating the affection and the relief that was thrown at him. In fact he noticed barely that he didn’t feel a thing. It was as though his whole body had gone numb and he had his difficulties even looking at Roger, let alone having him so close to himself; hearing him, smelling him and doing all the things they always did. Including the three million apologies and avowals of concern. But he still couldn’t bring himself to even hug him back, let alone join their little rituals. He just couldn’t. This weird feeling of guilt and shame crushed over him that very moment and it was hard to even think of anything else. In fact, all he could do was hanging there completely indifferent and trying to breathe through it, while wishing so hard none of them would notice anything.

“What the hell happened?” he heard Brian ask after a moment.

He turned his head and looked at him; only to lower his gaze a second later, slowly shaking his head.

“I…I don’t know for sure,” he answered quietly, staring at them as if they weren’t there. “Leo… He’s…”

But he couldn’t go on. First of all he didn’t quite know what to tell them. How to tell them. He had no idea what had happened; only this stinging certainty that Leo probably had tried to hurt himself. Thinking back he couldn’t remember one thing in that blasted room that could have caused a wound like the one on Leo’s arm accidentally. And if he was absolutely honest to himself, it scared the shit out of him. He hadn’t had the chance to properly think about it, but now - with a little quiet time - the shock settled down more and more.
He looked down and his eyes caught his hands, which were still covered in blood from supporting Leo all the way here. And as he slowly realized the red coating around his fingers, he noticed how much his hands began to shiver. Quickly he closed his eyes and started to shake his head, hiding his hands under his upper arms while clenching his teeth.
This wasn’t true!

None of it was…

“For Heaven’s sake, spit it out!”

Max was on his knees now too, grabbing Carmen with both hands and almost shaking it out of him.
“MAX!” Roger was by his side in an instance, trying to prevent the other man from causing any more harm. “STOP IT!”

“Don’t you dare telling me to stop!” Max whirled around, carrying his despair not only in his shaking voice now but also in his look, which caused Roger to step back for a second. He was scared shitless and everyone could see it.

“Whatever you two did,” Max turned to Carmen again, who immediately shrunk together a little more. “How comes it always ends up with him being hurt somehow?! How can you sit there, silent as the grave when there’s literally blood on your hands everywhere?” He grabbed Carmen by the jacket and almost lifted him up from that bench. “So, quit this reticence! Tell me what the hell happened or so God help me!”

“MAX! DON’T!” He heard Roger scream. He tried with all he had to get him to let go of Carmen but it was no use at all. Max was way too furious to even acknowledge him joggling his arms.

“I dunno…!”

When Carmen dared to hoarsely mumble an answer, Max suddenly stopped and stared at him. It was hard to make out what happened in his head that moment, but somehow something about the man in front of him made him turn visibly calmer; his face carrying a much softer expression all of a sudden.

Carmen lifted his hands slowly and very cautiously lifted his hands and gently took Max’s fists, which were still holding on to him, in them. He looked him straight in the eyes and, even though his eyes were filled with tears and he looked pale and tired, he basically screamed at him to forgive him without saying even a word. All he did was staring at him.

Roger held his breath.
Never before had he seen him so convincing in such a silent way; but he was being so incredibly calm that even he could feel his pleading somewhere deep inside.
And Max seemed to notice as well, for his face softened and he slowly lowered his arms too.

“I swear to God,” Carmen sobbed, still not looking anywhere else but at Max. “I don’t know what happened… Or why he… It just happened…and …and he…I did what I could to help him, okay? You must believe me!”

Max gasped and tore his eyes wide open. And then, all of a sudden, he let go of him; stepping back yet again.

“He woke me like this,” Carmen wheezed; having fallen back onto that bench and rubbing his neck slowly. He closed his eyes and turned his head away; almost as though he couldn’t face Max now that he was free again. Roger noticed in surprise. “I have no clue what he has done… But… He was …covered in… and…I couldn’t think of anything else than bringing him here…”

“Means what?” Max shook his head and he simply stared back. His voice was almost gone. It almost seemed like the two of them were having a conversation only they could hear right now. “How can he have gotten hurt like that… when nothing has happened?”

Again, Carmen only shook his head as if in a trance; his gaze fixated on the floor.

“I think… he might have… hurt himself…”

The moment these words left his mouth, he could literally feel the tension reaching a climax so far. Nobody said a word. Nobody moved and hell, he’d swon nobody even breathed that moment. He still stared at Max and concentrated hard not to look anywhere else but the dark brown eyes of the guy in front of him; looking not less shocked than everybody else.

And finally, someone dared to inhale.

“But…how?”

It was Roger, daring to whisper these two words first and all of the others turned their heads expectantly towards Carmen as well.

He closed his eyes once more.

If there was one thing he’d hated since he had been a boy… This was it. A thousand eyes on him without him being able to answer. And even if he could sort the million things still in his head… if he could actually find just one word in the English language to describe what had happened or if his voice actually obeyed him; he wasn’t able to answer this. How could they even suppose he knew?

“FOR GOD’S SAKE, CARMEN!” Max roared again; causing him to flinch once more and press his eyes closer together in the hopes all the noise around him would go away if the blocked them out from sight somehow. But in reality, all of that wasn’t much use at all.
On the contrary, the moment the world around him became dark, he saw Leo in front of him again. With his arm dyed in dark red and a face so desperate, it was pathetic even for Leo. And then, he saw his bare chest in front of him again. He heard his moans somewhere in the back of his mind over and over again and could almost smell the skin of the younger man on him. And Leo’s face changed. That wickedly unfamiliar smug grin on his face was there and cold, burning eyes no one would associate with Leo whatsoever.

Carmen ripped his eyes wide open in shock again and immediately could feel a coldness appear on the nape of his neck. Without him having any control over it, his body started to shiver again. So much, in fact, he abruptly crouched on the bench again; hugging himself to make it stop.

He could hear them gasping.

He could hear Roger’s footsteps almost running towards him.

And only a second later he felt his hands on his back and heard his voice whispering words in his direction he couldn’t make out.

He tried to breathe somehow, but only noticed how painful the grip on his own arms had become when Roger forced him to let go of himself.

“Darling?” Roger’s worried voice sounded softly once more, but the moment he raised his hand and was about to touch his face, Carmen evaded panicky.

“DON’T TOUCH ME!” he suddenly screamed.

Everyone around them stopped existing for a moment when he noticed what had just happened. With eyes torn wide open he stared at Roger, who instinctively raised his hands but there was no other way to describe the look on his face than shock. He’s never dreamed a harsh reaction like that from Carmen and sure enough was both shocked beyond belief and hurt, for - usually - he was the only one able to talk to Carmen when he was upset. But now, he looked at him as if he was a stranger and somewhere deep inside of him a dark fear came crawling up his body.

What if Scott had been right?

What if he had ruined this?

“What happened?” he thought while trying to block out the noises around them. All those footsteps and talks, the announcements, the doctors and everything. All he wanted to fixate on sat there in front of him, cowering on a bench and looking as though he’s had the most horrible night ever. “What did happen to you two?”

Max moved already - obviously trying to step closer again for, even he had backed away in shock and looked a lot more concerned now than he did before. But he didn’t even get too far, when a doctor interrupted them with his informal harrumph, which made them turn. Even Carmen looked up immediately and almost seemed like wanting to jump off that bench within a second.

The doctor looked a bit surprised to say the least, when all of them looked at him as though they were about to pounce him any moment. Especially since it had been only one when he’d last come out.

As soon as he spotted Carmen though, he started to speak in a sonorous calm voice; almost as though he told this stuff a thousand people today.

“Is he…?” Carmen asked when he opened his mouth with a voice so hoarse it almost scared Roger, who still stood nearby.

“He’s fine so far,” the doctor answered, only trying to look at him. “But I’ve gotta ask a few things before we go on…”

Carmen bit his lips and looked like he was at the edge of crying. But slowly and almost not visibly he nodded.

“Is there any history of self-harm known to the patient?”

The gasps of the others was so loud, it made the doctor look around pretty irritated that moment.

“What do you mean self-harm?” Max interfered; his voice sounding both angry and incredibly worried at the same time. “What the heck does that mean?”

Carmen just stared straight ahead, never leaving the eyes of the man in white.

“He’s…,” he started but seemed to think. About what words to use…About how to explain….about if he knew anything at all… They couldn’t quite tell. “He’s had… a…”

“He’s had an injury!” Max jumped in and suddenly all attention was on him. “A really bad concussion with the chances of long-term damages…”

“I see,” the doctor scribbled something down on his notepad, while speaking to Max now. “Well, this of course can lead to a bit unusual behavior, but he would have shown any kind of pain before… Did this occur?”

Max held his breath. His eyes were wide and he suddenly didn’t look as determined anymore. On the contrary he seemed to be thinking as well.

But then he slightly shook his head. “He’s…never mention any pain…”

“What happened to him?” Roger stepped forward, asking the one question everyone had in mind finally. “Something is wrong, isn’t it? So, please tell us!”

Glancing over his glasses once to peek at Roger - yet another new face after all - he decided quickly not to ignore him, but sighed. His hands - and thus the notepad - fell a bit and his face changed to a much softer expression then. A sight none of them had expected in someone doing this day after day.

“Let’s be honest here,” he finally said, and adjusted his spectacles. “That wound on his arm is pretty deep, but it clearly suggests a case of SIV from the book. He’s cut in deeply though, which explains why it wouldn’t stop bleeding. He’s hit an artery which caused this immense amount of blood. It’s good you’ve brought him here this quickly though. This could’ve become dangerous lasting longer.”

“Now wait a minute! Wait!” Max shook his head disbelieving. “You wanna actually tell us …he did …whatever he did? Like he intended to harm himself? LEO?”

The doctor gave a short, indifferent nod.

“You’d be surprised how often this happens,” he went on then, not even looking up from his notes. “But the fact that strikes me most is, he doesn’t quite seem to remember it. Or doesn’t want to for that matter. We are not really certain for he seems… disoriented, but tries to act it normal… He’s pretty calm for the kind of injury.”

“Calm? LEO?” Max couldn’t believe it. This sounded so far from the Leo he’s last seen than anything else. But this was the moment it started to dawn on him how serious all of this was and that, in fact, something wasn’t right at all.
From the corner of his eye he saw Carmen flinching next to him; squinting his eyes so hard, he obviously tried to blend all of this out. Whatever this “all of this” was exactly…

“How…well…,” Max swallowed hard before addressing the doctor once more. “How could he….”

Sensing the question, the doc went straight on.

“We suppose he used a piece of wood. Everything indicates it, considering the wound and the small fragments of wood we’ve found in his blood,” He looked up and straight at Max now, letting his clipboard fall finally. “To be quite frank, Mister…”

“Bialystock!”

He nodded. “He seems way too calm to be consciously here. We suppose some kind of traumatic event has put him into this state and he is suffering from whatever is holding him there, which has a huge influence on his health; both physically and mentally. We suppose… he is experiencing dropouts - glitches -; sort of short term memory losses which start to happen from a few seconds up to several minutes. We’d need to watch this more closely though. But the cuts on his body seem evidence enough he is harming himself whenever these episodes start to happen.”

“Means he doesn’t know what he is doing?” Max asked hoarsely.

“We’re not sure,” The doctor shrugged and shook his head slightly. “He most likely has tried it before though. Has he ever done anything to harm himself that indicated an urge to end…?”

“HE’D NEVER DO THIS!” Max yelled suddenly. “Hell, Leo wouldn’t even think ab…” But suddenly Max stopped, holding his breath.

This wasn’t true. Leo himself had confided in him and told him about his plans to do this unspeakable thing just before meeting him for the first time. But everything had changed. Everything had turned out better and Leo had never shown any sign of these thoughts again. On the contrary he loved his new life. He loved the way it went and he never wanted it to change in any way… So this couldn’t have changed, could it?

“There’s a rather large cut on his left hand,” the doctor half stated, half asked; raising one eyebrow.

“That was a kitchen accident,” Max whirled around again and couldn’t even think of telling him the truth with indications like that. So, staying with this little white lie seemed the best solution to him. “He just slipped…that’s all. We’ve had someone looking at it already. And there’s nothing else you could…”

“What about the scar on his pelvis?” The raised eyebrow remained.
“He’s had a fracture as a kid!”

Everyone whirled around as Carmen’s voice interfered.

He had jumped up suddenly and looked pretty irritated now; his hands clenched to fists and his face both angry and desperate.

“It’s an old injury,” he went on; a lot louder than intended, causing Roger to gasp slightly. “He wouldn’t do something like this on purpose. He probably just accidentally caused the wound on his arm!”

Max didn’t believe his ears. He gasped slightly and bit his lips staring at Carmen that moment. This couldn’t be…

“Forgive the questions,” the doctor cleared his throat now, turning a bit to face Carmen from a good distance. “Of course, we’ve considered this a possibility. But it’s a standard procedure to check everything. We want to keep him here over night though to observe possible glitches and see if it is just an assumption or if we need to seriously consider actions.”

Everyone fell silent for a moment. The hustle of the clinic went on and people rushed by still, just as though nothing life-changing had just happened.
Each and everyone of them was starring down to the ground now; thinking, processing and most of all making sense of all this.

“What if you’re right?”

They raised their heads again.

It was Max, cautiously daring to ask the one question everyone had in mind.

The tall doctor adjusted his glasses once more and turned towards Max.

“In this case he needs therapy,” he simply answered. “If he is in fact a danger to himself, the cause of said trauma must be found…”

“Couldn’t it just be that injury from a year ago?” Max asked again, shaking his head as though there simply must have been another possibility.

It was plain to see he was scared beyond words, and - being Max still - he tried very hard to talk his fear away with logic. But there was no way he could outwit this situation, let alone disguise the fear that was written all over his face as though in capital neon letters.

It was then, Carmen felt like vomiting. Whatever he had let himself get carried to that night… it had been the biggest mistake ever. He knew Max. And Leo. And he very well knew one couldn’t be without the other. No matter what they had done. No matter what Leo thought. Hell, they were still part of their family. And nothing - no words, no broken promises and no slip from the past - could excuse this betrayal…

“It’s not unusual for longterm damage to show after a longer period of time,” the doctor answered slowly. “But there must have been a trigger. Some cause to make it break out…”

Carmen looked up again and Max immediately caught his eye.

They stared at each other for a felt eternity, almost communicating without anyone being able to hear it.
Even Roger and the others noticed. They turned from one ot the other but didn’t dare to say a word.

“You’re the one to decide this though,” the doctor spoke again, cutting in the silence like a knife. “It would be best for him to get checked though.”
Thus he tapped his clipboard once with his pen, just as though this would indicate his final words, and turned around to leave them alone thinking.

None of them said a word for another couple of minutes. They exhaled almost in unison though. Their heads fell and all of them tried hard to relax their strained bodies as much as possible. Scott closed his eyes and crossed his arms in front of his body, while Shirley - much against her usual nature - patted Kevin on the back gently once or twice as he started to sob immediately but tried hard not to let anyone see and control himself again. Brian exchanged worried looks with Roger, who only shook his head from time to time, whereas Max leaned himself against the nearby wall and stared at his feet with his eyes still wide open. Carmen wanted to say something to him, but as often as he opened his mouth, there simply was no way his voice would produce just one sound. He still sat there on that bench; rooted to the spot and tried to breathe slowly. His breaths were racked though and he closed his eyes once or twice, trying to get a grip of himself again.

He took his head in his hands for once again and only then remembered the blood on his fingers. He gasped and quickly pulled them away again, but only now noticed that his suit, his hair and everything was sprinkled in the dark dried red already.

And even though he was absolutely able to logically grasp all this, something within him set his whole body into a panic he’d almost forgotten. Something he hadn’t known in years and had hoped so much never to experience again. But seeing the blood that covered him like a blanket, he suddenly started to tremble again despite him wanting to stop it. As out of his mind he started to try and rub it off his hands; slowly at first but rapidly getting faster and rougher up to the point he sounded and looked close to manic. He only stopped when Roger - as fast as his feet carried him - rushed by his side and flung his arms around his, holding his partner’s hands in his own to prevent him from hurting himself that moment. At first Carmen tried to struggle himself free, but Roger wouldn’t let him this time. He pressed him close to his body and held his arms in a firm grip to his back, pressing his cheek gently to Carmen’s and whispered calming words without interruption into his ear.

It took a while, but slowly he settled down. His fighting became less and less until finally he gave up and let his head sink onto Roger’s chest, pressing his eyes together as though he never wanted to see any of them again and clenching his teeth. And it didn’t take long and he quietly started to sob.

“Shh,” Roger whispered once more and gently let go of his arms. But when he was certain Carmen wouldn’t refuse his comforting again, he softly started to stroke his back with one hand while putting his other hand on the back of Carmen’s head. “It’s alright. It’s alright… We’ll fix this!”

Like a huge wave crashing over him, Carmen wasn’t able to hold his tears back now and pressed his face as close to Roger as possible, trying hard to muffle his cries from everyone around.

It only made the whole situation more awkward to everyone around them though.

Roger sighed slightly, holding his partner even closer, but from the corner of his eyes he cast a look over at Max, trying to get any clue about what to do now.

Max noticed immediately, but only shook his head.

His face had changed. Whatever he thought he’d heard in between the lines there…Seeing Carmen like this only confirmed the suspicion about Leo’s condition he’s already had since that night he’d had to witness the younger man ramming that knife into himself as though it had been nothing… The one little thought, screaming in the back of his head, and which he so vehemently tried to lie away…
So what if…

What if Leo seriously had gotten some damage in that injury that lay much much deeper than they’d expected? And what would happen if they couldn’t help?

All this was too much. Way too much to grasp properly anyway, but also way too much to carry alone. But what was he supposed to do? The only people he had to confide in had to carry that pigtail of problems with him and didn’t seem to be able to carry his troubles as well. And the truth was, he was far from used to share what’s going on with them. He had tried to open up more, but it still was incredibly hard for him. But he could not shake that one simple fact: He was scared out of his wits. And without Leo being by his side, he was alone…

Leo being confused and out of his mind was something he’d never even dreamed of experiencing. And he couldn’t imagine what would happen if that goddamned doctor was indeed right. But he had to admit one undeniable fact to himself that very moment: He indeed felt safer with all of them around whenever something happened. But seeing Carmen breaking down over whatever it was that had happened there like this - Carmen, who always kept his cool - was intimidating.

He sighed again. This time only to calm himself and get this painfully bad feeling out of his system.

Max felt he needed to rest his eyes somehow. Either the glaring neon lights were responsible for his sudden fatigue or this curious mixture of weird occurrences all together. Leo being sick… Roger blabbing about stuff he should have shut up about… Carmen acting more than weird and most of all the constant feeling of being observed by a very vigilant pair of eyes.

But then he stopped.

“What the…?!”

He pushed himself off the wall and took one step forward, raising one eyebrow.

There was a woman standing there behind that transparent barrier, pressing herself to the pane and having her eyes indeed on their little group… More importantly: on him!

Max bit his lips.

So, that’s where this feeling came from. She must have stood there for a while already. But who was that? He roamed through the endless shelves in his memory, comparing face after face and trying hard to link a name to her, but nothing really rang a bell somewhere. But he would have given his last shirt he’d seen her before. Or at least she reminded him of someone.

What stroke him even more though was the fact that no one seemed to notice her…
No one, except Carmen, who - still in Roger’s grip - raised his head too, looking at her suspiciously.

How on earth could this be?

If Max knew her - and he was still absolutely certain he did - there was no chance Carmen did too. They didn’t have common acquaintances. Or maybe he was wrong?!

Carmen sat up straight again, slowly pushing Roger away from him, causing a perplexed look on him and forcing a whole crew to turn all of a sudden. Which in return meant a group of very different and yet somewhat connected people staring at one strange woman through a glass door. A picture nobody would expect on a hospital floor.

“Who is that?” Roger asked incidentally.

“It’s…,” Max started, but almost fell over when he heard the answer before his brain could process it.

“Leo’s mother!” Carmen answered…

 

________

 

His head felt like being close to exploding. The slightest bit of light hurt like a thousand stabs with a knife and his head felt as though being stuck in a screw clamp.
When he slowly dared to open his eyes, he had to blink a few times to get a clear image.

His arm hurt like hell…

And his mouth felt as though he’s swallowed an old rug in one piece…

He tried to turn his head and see if he could somehow grab a glass of water or something nearby. But he didn’t make it as far for the slightest movement caused a throbbing pain shooting through his already aching head and he literally sunk down to the clinic’s stiff square pillow again.

He tried to breathe in slowly and fixated hard to calm down. Maybe this would make the pain a little more bearable, but he had to find out the hard way that fixating strained his head even more.

Damn it.

He still didn’t get why he had to go here in the first place. Surely there would have been something they could have done to stop the cut on his arm, but somehow he couldn’t forget the look on Carmen’s face when he had seen it. So shocked. So pale…
It’s not like he hasn’t done this before… It never had gone so wrong before though. And he had to admit, no one had ever noticed for he had always been super careful. And, as a matter of fact, he hadn’t done anything alike in years and years. Why should he have anyway? There had been no reason ever since he passed the threshold of Max’s office…

But now…

He sighed and closed his eyes again, using his right hand to cover his eyes and hopefully block out that little light in the room. And his thoughts began to fly…

He hadn’t asked any questions.
He must have had them, no doubt. But in cases like this Carmen was so damn different from Max…Or Roger… He never probed him with a thousand questions…Well, at least not when he knew it was super important to Leo. If he really wanted to know he would have asked and never stopped until he got the answers. But then again, maybe he had been too shocked… Or just didn’t want to be confirmed of what - and Leo was certain of that - he already knew. After all…

Leo tore his eyes open again.

Oh God, what had he done?!

He took a deep breath, trying hard to suppress his uprising panic.

He remembered clearly. What he had tried. What he had thought back then. Why he had tried it… But then… There was nothing. No memory, just a huge black nothing. Had he…?

Slowly he shook his head to calm those wicked thoughts.

He had been desperate. He had wanted to make them feel the same pain he had felt. But he wouldn’t ever…

“You okay?”

Leo whirled around, almost choking on his own intake of breath.

Max stood in the doorframe, quietly closing the door behind him and looking more than worried at him.

It took Leo quite a while to calm his heart from the surprise. He then thought about answering for a short moment, but as soon as he opened his mouth he remembered why he was here, which only caused a huge embarrassment coming over him. So he turned his gaze to the white, crumpled blanket which sloppily hid his legs and bit his tongue, fighting his tears back. His fingers clasped the unfamiliar linen so tightly, his knuckles almost immediately turned into an unhealthy shade of white - up to the point of getting extremely painful.

If Max knew…

“Well, then you got what you wanted to achieve,” a little voice in his head said quietly.

But there was no chance he’d know. First of all, Leo himself wasn’t even sure what had happened exactly. Secondly, he would have heard the slaughtering of Carmen outside the door - and yes, he was very sure he still was outside that room. And thirdly - the most important part - Max would never take it that easily and be that worried IF something had happened. All Leo had to do was to be super careful not to let these embarrassing, totally unlike-himself thoughts slip. Nobody could get mad for thoughts, right?

Max, on the other hand, marched straight up to him, sitting down on the edge of the bed and gently putting his hand on Leo’s injured arm, but not taking his eyes away from it.

“Max…I…”

“You know, this is something you should have told me,” Max answered, and much to Leo’s surprise smiled slightly when he finally dared to look at him. He spoke very gently though. Something even Leo didn’t hear from him often. “About the anxiety or whatever this is… It’s gonna be hard to lie about the injury now… Especially since you’ve not only shocked me to the bones.”

Leo looked up.

“They know?”

“I don’t really know what has happened yet, but Carmen is not himself anymore,” Max answered, looking sincere for a second there. “And it’s Carmen… I mean he is like the embodiment of hiding himself, if you think about it.”

Leo had to smile.

A sad cheap little smile, while turning his gaze down again.

“He is more himself than anyone,” he answered very quietly. His voice was shaking. Oh God, please don’t let him notice.

“Leo?”

His hair fell in his face when he flinched hearing his name coming from Max. But still he carefully lifted his head a little, looking more like a beaten puppy than something else.

“I know this probably isn’t the best time,” Max looked sad now suddenly. How curious. “But… Why is it I feel this is going downhill since a while?”

“What do you mean?” Leo’s head shot up. He knew he was close to tears again.

“Something isn’t right,” Max continued. “Please, don’t take me for stupid here. All the anger… The strange behavior… What has happened to us here?”

“You’re asking me?”

Max nodded knowingly, looking down now too.

The clock in the room ticked loudly. A sound that felt like thunder in between their silence.

“You know this was a shock to me,” Leo started so quietly, he wasn’t even sure Max heard him. And yet, the other man was all ear. “You and Roger…”

“It was a million years ago,” Max jumped in immediately. “I’m sorry you had to find out like this. I’m sorry I never told you. I…just wasn’t sure… You’d take it the right way…”

“Is there anything?” Leo looked up at him now, feeling that huge know in his stomach reappearing. “Are you friends with him….cause…”

Max determindely shook his head before Leo could finish. “There never was… I…It was… a weird night. And it happened… We’ve agreed on never telling anyone, because we never wanted to provoke the wrong impression here. And…”

Max scooted over a little more. He gently put his hands on Leo’s, looking at him in an almost pleading way.

“You know Roger,” Max felt the need to apologize a hundred times over again. “He is…,” he sighed. “He is loud and always says the wrong things at the wrong time and sometimes he’s insensitive and selfish… But he has a huge heart and is fair to everyone. That’s why we remained friends. A term he used way before I even grasped its meaning.” Max blushed slightly, looking away again. “And I was secretly relieved when I saw he went on and was happy after all…”

It was Leo’s turn to breathe again. He had watched Max the whole time silently and only now noticed he had been holding his breath. But now, his head sank. Max had a point there. This was as honest as he would ever be. He could tell by his voice and his looks. If he had known before… But no, he had been too shocked, too angry and too vindictive out of sheer hurt. So much in fact he had seen his whole world crumbling in front of him and even steered that anger towards the one who always had been there by his side. Wasn’t this evidence enough at how screwed up he was?

“Leo?”

He looked up again. Slowly and carefully, as though he was under attack somehow; even though he knew this couldn’t be true.

And there was Max. Looking at him completely open; completely vulnerable and with a look in that dark brown eyes he had hardly seen on him.

“Is there something…,” he stopped briefly and sighed; rearranging his words. “If…If there is something bothering you… No matter what… If you’re in trouble or …or have some unfinished business…You can tell me.”

It took him a second to properly react at all.

“What do you mean?” he asked, averting his eyes. This indeed felt like an attack.

“I mean the glitches,” Max went on, now being pretty direct. “The anger… The sudden need to …to do something to yourself. Please, tell me and I swear we’ll find a way.”

Leo didn't respond.

"I promised to be there for you, remember?” Max asked again, now lifting his hand and softly stroking over Leo’s cheek once. “But you’ve gotta let me in on this.”

“Well, you shouldn’t have lied to me then,” Leo responded suddenly, but only after those words slipped his mouth he noticed what had happened. Quickly he bit his tongue and whirled around again. “All you wanna do is hide with me, isn’t it? Cause it’s the easiest and doesn’t hurt… And I’m too worthless to need an explanation in your eyes…”

Max still looked at him; and as much as he tried to hide it, he could clearly tell he was hurt by that notion, but somehow seemed to shake it away. Maybe he thought he deserved an accusation like this after all. Or maybe he was just hit by something like this coming from his shy, kind, mousy partner.

Leo felt the need to hug him. Right now. To simply rush over to him and press his aching body closer to the safety he provided, but he wasn’t able to move one muscle.

Max waited another couple of seconds, and then sighed. A desperate, final sigh.

He slowly got up.

At first Leo thought he was being angry with him, but then he silently moved over to the door again.

“Max?” he whispered, feeling like crying seeing him create this even greater distance between them.

“Don’t leave me…,” Leo wanted to scream. “Don’t let me be alone again!”
But absolutely no sound came from him. The noise was only in his head. He wasn’t even sure he moved that moment…

Max, on the other hand turned and smiled at him.

“You should rest,” he said softly. “I’m not going anywhere, but you need rest…”

And thus he turned and left the room without another look at him.

 

Being outside again, he leaned against the closed door and took a deep breath; his eyes wide in fear. He could feel his hands shivering and his heart starting to race but he wasn’t able to move for several minutes.

All he did was staring at his own feet, trying to process all of this.

“He indeed is lying,” he thought. “She was right…”

 

_______________

 

They hadn’t spoken almost the entire way home. The cab-ride had been awkward to say the least. All of them not speaking was something none of them were used to and the eery silence almost creeped them out. But still no one dared to say anything, let alone asking questions.

About what had happened with Leo and Carmen. About what had happened between them… About that woman… About Max and Carmen… All of this stood there like a huge pink elephant between them, but all they could do was keeping their mouths shut and trying not to let the million things in their minds slip out.

Carmen had leaned against the cab’s window; his usually wild hair pressed to it so it fell into his face. But he just kept on staring at the world outside flying by. He seemed like paralyzed somehow. He hardly reacted and even less moved.

They had him checked by a doctor before having been told to go home and rest as well. Leo was going to stay for the night anyway and at the earliest was being let go in the morning, depending on several tests and if he was gonna be inconspicuous over the course of the night. Max was the only one allowed to stay with him and nobody had argued about that.

According to the hospital, Carmen was okay. Only he showed all the signs of having had some kind of traumatic experience and was ordered to rest and keep quiet for twenty-four hours at least.

None of them had gotten one word out of him though… The only thing that seemed quite certain was that he felt strange among them all of a sudden. He flinched whenever spoken to and hung there in his own thoughts; some place no one could reach him. And as much easy-going and fun as he had always been; the more introverted and different he was now… Nobody was allowed closer than an arm-length and he constantly tried to have a good distance between himself and Roger, which was new. But not unfamiliar.

Scott, Shirley, Brian and Kevin exchanged worried looks on the way back and all of them were agreeing on the same thing without saying a word…

When they arrived back in the townhouse, Shirley was the only one getting a little closer and convincing him to take a long good bath and to finally wash that blood off of him which disturbingly destroyed the image they all wanted to keep of Carmen. That dark, heavy veil of gloominess they seemed to be trapped in ever since Leo and Max had shown up that one day in the theatre with Leo’s hand bandaged.

“He’s confused,” Brian stated when they sat together in the huge townhouse kitchen and Shirley entered again, closing the door a tiny bit behind her but not locking it.

“Something must have happened,” Kevin stated, shaking his head at him. “Which frankly is plain to see.”

“D’oh, genius!” She replied, walking past him and grabbed a clean glass from one of the kitchen shelves to fill it with water and emptied it hastily.

“Whatever has been happening, did you see how he looked?” Kevin asked in return, sounding worried again. “I mean, they only said Leo had a wound or something, but Heavens!”

“From what I understood, he half carried him to the hospital,” Scott interrupted them. “He was bound to get something…”

“Do you think they got attacked?” Kevin looked over at him.

Scott shook his head though. “No, the doctor would have mentioned it. After all, they must have explained it before Carmen called us.”

“Are you really that stupid?” Roger’s voice cut through their wall of suggestions and by the sound of it, he was pretty annoyed by them by now.

All their heads turned to him.

He sat on one of the wooden chairs and leaned against a wall; the chair half tilted and only held from falling by his feet still on the ground. He had his eyes closed and his arms crossed in front of his chest, but still looked pale and tired. The shock was written all over his face still.

“What do you mean?” Kevin asked cautiously. He, as well as everybody else, knew Roger could easily explode whenever he was worried that much. And they all had to face the fact, there was nothing worrying him more than Carmen being somehow troubled about anything.

Roger jeered and suddenly opened his eyes so quickly, they all flinched simultaneously.

“He witnessed someone dying in front of him, witnessed Leo getting injured up close, then held Clara in his last moments and finally saw his own father falling down a rooftop,” Roger answered his question plainly, but pretty aggravated. “So why do you think he reacted the way he did? It’s not that hard to get…”

The others held their breaths for a second and instantly fell into an uncomfortable silence. They were letting this sink in. Some nodded.

“Well, okay yes,” Brian answered, unusually meek. “And being covered in blood probably stirred that up again.”

“And it’s Leo,” Shirley agreed, looking worried now too. “It’s no big secret he cares for him a lot.”

“Right,” Roger sat down again, looking pissed still but crossing his arms again. “So better think about this before blabbing that kinda stuff out the way he could be able to hear it.”

“Huh, look who’s talking,” Brian jeered, now facing him daringly.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Roger asked, looking viciously at him now.

“Well, you’re kinda playing a major part in him being as confused as Leo, are you not?” Brian crossed his arms now too, now building up in front of him as if to challenge him to say another word. “Without your little stunt he probably would have kept calm and worked things out with Leo rather than feeling betrayed and lied to for years!”

“How dare you?” Roger clenched his teeth and was on his feet immediately. “You know very well this wasn’t supposed to come out like this!”

“And we thought he knew,” Shirley jumped in too, now almost screaming at him. “I honestly thought you had learned to be honest at least with him!”

“Right,” Kevin nodded again. “But now look at this whole mess. He is….”

But he bit his tongue before he could finish the sentence, looking down sheepishly.

“I KNOW!” Roger threw his arms up and turned away from them angrily. He stemmed his hands to the windowsill of the kitchen and looked into the darkness of the night; sighing deeply and obviously trying to calm himself down. “I know… He is…”

“Just the person he was in the beginning right now,” Scott whispered, finishing Roger’s thought here. “Just as mistrusting, as suspicious and as isolated… I never thought he’d fall back into this…”

“He’s not Carmen right now,” Brian agreed, nodding deeply in thoughts. “He’s…”

“Don’t say it!” Roger begged, looking desperately at them right now.

“Scott…”

He squinted his eyes hearing the name and looked down again.

He knew Carmen hated being called by this name, but the truth was: Roger couldn’t bear it too. Not in a situation like this. Not with this background. Not with the fact they were right and not with Carmen acting so unlike Carmen, it was painful to witness. Scott wasn’t Carmen… And he hated the comparison. It made him feel like a stranger. Someone who was out of a huge life, which was so famous everyone knew and which didn’t include any of the enormous changes his partner had achieved over the past years… But then again, what hurt the most was they were right… All this behavior. The traumatic side… That was Scott. It wasn’t Carmen…

“Roger?”

He looked up again, hearing Scott’s voice behind him.

“Do you really think it was me?” Roger whispered as out of his mind.

“You mean…?”

Roger nodded.

“I never thought finding out could set him back like this,” Roger admitted, finally noticing how much his voice shook and now allowing it to show. He felt sick thinking about it.

“He knew about that behavior,” Brian answered this one. He stepped forwards, surprisingly compassionate though. “He's witnessed you doing it, remember? I doubt this would knock him off like this…”

“But…,” Shiley raised her arm a little unsure, looking from one to the other. “It never had been someone as close as Max… And especially with Max and Carmen just getting along…”

Roger swallowed hard.

All this sounded convincing, yet it didn’t at all. It was paradox. All he knew though was something had happened to them. Two people he loved dearly were suffering due to something he had probably triggered and he had absolutely no clue how to help them.

“Forget about it,” they heard a voice from behind them and whirled around in surprise. Roger immediately stood up straight and held his breath, not daring to look somewhere else than to the door.

Carmen stood there, holding on to it with one hand, his hair still wet and dripping on his shoulders… He didn’t look at them though. On the contrary, his eyes were almost cloudy and looking down. His whole appearance wasn’t flamboyant and positive as usual, but resembled more of a scared animal, which had to put up with the fact it wasn’t gonna come out of a trap.

“It’s just…been a hard day,” he went on and they weren’t sure if he actually noticed them being there. “I’m feeling… just incredibly tired. I think I’ll turn in for this night… I’m sorry you were worrying. I didn’t intend this, believe me!”

“Carmen,” Roger swallowed hard. “I never meant… Can we …. How can I make this good again?”

Carmen shook his head to the ground though, still not looking up.

“Don’t you worry,” his voice sounded heavy as well. But then he finally looked at Roger for a short moment from the corner of his eyes. “I forgive you… Let’s just forget about this.”

“Carmen,” Roger repeated, lifting his hand after him and caused him to flinch again, but at least he was looking at him now. “I swear… this was too long ago…”

“I know…”

“I didn’t mean…”

“I know…”

“I’d never….”

“ROGER!”

Roger stopped immediately, looking at Carmen with wide open eyes but biting his lips and giving the image of a reprimanded child more than a grown-ass man.

Carmen on the other hand was now looking straight at him; a curious mixture of anger and despair in his eyes; his hands forming fists.

“Forget it, will you?” he said then, as quietly as before and sighing. “I have never said a thing… And I won’t this time either… I … I just need to sleep. And I need the quiet…”

Then he turned and left for the small bedroom - former storeroom next to the kitchen.

“Wait, what…Where are you…?” Roger asked, but couldn’t even form one sentence in reply to this.

“ROGER!”

He stopped, hearing Shirley’s voice next to him, but couldn’t help but stare after Carmen.

“Let him!” she said again. “He needs his time. You know how he is… Don’t force him.”

Roger couldn’t answer, but this was definitely worrying him. Carmen spending the night alone under the same roof was something they weren’t used to. Ever since he’d come here and they’d gotten together, they had never been a night apart…

What on earth was happening here?

_____________

Carmen crept into the little storeroom as quickly as he could and closed the door behind him. He was leaning to it as soon as he was in as if his life depended on it being locked. He let his head fall back until the wooden door stopped it and sighed.

Opening his eyes slightly, he wasn’t able to hold his tears back now. There wasn’t much he could do anyway… So, slowly but steadily he sunk down to the ground along the door, sobbing hard.

This was bad…so so bad.

He knew it all had been a long time ago. He knew Roger never meant to hurt him. But what stroke him more than anything was that he had done the very thing everyone was accusing his partner of.

“How could I…” he asked himself over and over again.

He felt more than miserable. He didn’t even know what had led him to give in to this. But in fact it hadn’t been Roger betraying him this time… No, he had gone and done the one thing he’d thought he would never be able to…

So how on earth was he supposed to face him now? How on earth should he hide this? When his whole body reacted to this betrayal as soon as his partner was close to him? He wondered so much how Roger could have done this all those years without his bad conscience eating him up alive…

Carmen hurt… Just everything hurt… And he thought about Max and Leo and Roger… This just changed everything…

He closed his eyes and put his face on his arms… What had happened here? To them? To him?

 

______________

 

Max stared at the woman as if in trance…
So that’s why she seemed so familiar.

Her face, though very feminine and with long curly hazel hair, was the spitting image of Leo somehow. He had heard of her before but never seen her. Well, how could he have? Leo had mentioned before she was in jail… So, why would she be here? Of all places…

Carmen immediately got to his feet as well, leaving Roger and the others more surprised than before.

This was another point Max just couldn’t grasp. How on earth was it possible Carmen knew about her? Leo had never told anyone, had he? Something about all this just didn’t make sense to him.

He also didn’t intend to do anything, but somehow his feet thought differently and he slowly noticed himself moving towards her.

And not just him.

It didn’t take long until he found Carmen next to him, completely ignoring the pleading of his friends behind them.

This was so weird… Once more here seemed to be something only him and Carmen were aware of. And what twisted, cruel fate would put them together in this kind of shit again and again after all?

He looked over at Carmen from the corners of his eyes. He really looked torn and wickedly strange, all covered in blood and tousled as though he hadn’t slept that night at all. But he didn’t notice. His face was earnest and firm and he was only fixated on that strange woman. It looked almost as though…

No, but Max discarded this thought immediately. This all lay in the past. Carmen was Carmen… This just couldn’t be, even though it was awfully familiar in a strange way.

Carmen marched on, always keeping track with him and even though he looked exhausted and moved in a very tired way, his body was stretched and he still had the Carmen like grace upon himself. With the weird hair, the dark colors he wore and the overall exotic appearance. With his chains and…

Wait a minute!

Max only then noticed Carmen didn’t wear his chains. How weird was that. He couldn’t recall one moment he had seen him without them until now and it sure did something to the picture of the younger man in his head.

But he was disrupted in this thought rather quickly, when the glass-door swung open and suddenly they stood in front of the woman.

She turned towards them immediately, but didn’t move a bit.

This just felt strange.

And being so close to her, he noticed what time had obviously done to a once beautiful lady. The wrinkles in her face were plain to see and the dark lumps under her eyes indicated a troubled life after all.
But that wasn’t surprising really, considering what Leo had told him.

She broke into a slight smile, seeing them approach but waited before the two of them stopped right in front of her to say something at last.

“So you’re the ones keeping an eye on my little kitten after all?” Her voice sounded darker than expected but with a soft tone only a loving mother could accomplish. And it was undoubtedly Leo she was referring to.

 

“And why are you here?” Carmen answered before Max could even say something. Again, he wondered what this was about. “Why are you following him?”

“I wanted to see him,” she answered calmly, playing with her fingers as though they were discussing the weather.

“Bullshit!” Carmen got louder now and Max saw his hands forming fists. Whatever made him so angry about this, he had a feeling he was going to find out. “You must have noticed how troubling your appearance was for him. And then you ran away… What on earth was that about?”

“I was…”

“The reason he’s here is you!” Carmen went on, pointing at the room Leo was in behind him in a rage.

“What?” It was now Max found his voice. “what is this about?”

She then turned towards him finally.

“You’re Max?” She asked. “I’ve heard about you…”

“Yeah?” he reacted suspiciously, raising one eyebrow. “I’m afraid I’ve only heard of you once… And I daresay it wasn’t the best…”

“I’m sure he used the old ‘she went crazy and went to jail’ story on you, hasn’t he?” she said, with a smirk on her face.

“Are you saying he’s lying?” Carmen jumped in again, even though all this was all new to him. But judged by Max’s face, he knew exactly what she was referring to.

“I’m saying you shouldn’t believe him,” she said. “Leopold is not what you think he is…”

“That’s it!” Carmen stomped on the floor once. Max even flinched a bit… “I’ve had it with family members showing up and throwing stupid things in when everyone knows it’s not true… You’re the reason Leo almost chopped his arm off!”

Max gasped, whirling around to him immediately.

“And now you’re showing up only to put all the blame on him?” Carmen was beyond furious at this point.

“You need to listen,” she tried to explain, raising her hands in defense, but Carmen was quicker.

He grabbed Max’s arm and instinctively pulled him more towards himself. Max was surprised how much strength there was still in him when he hadn’t been able to properly sit a moment ago.

“We’re going!” Carmen yelled at her. “Do yourself a favor and leave. Don’t you dare to show up here again!”

Thus he turned and Max with him.

The older man cast a last look at her over his shoulder as he let himself be dragged away by Carmen though.

“He’s been attacking you, hasn’t he?”

Her voice sounded through the whole floor and echoed on the walls, muffling out all the other sounds in that clinic for a moment.

Max thought his heart stopped hearing her words and even Carmen stopped and turned around; looking not less shocked. Both of them didn’t dare to move one muscle… And she slowly came closer again, wearing that sick smile on her face.

“He’s been showing mood swings to an extreme, am I right?” She went on. “And probably wasn’t himself a couple of times, if I had to guess… Did he do anything completely unlike himself yet?”

Her clicking steps sounded like thunder by now.

“Because if not, I can assure you this is gonna get much much worse…”

 

~ To Be Continued ~

Chapter 8: Dying

Chapter Text

The silver Swan, who living had no Note,when Death approached, unlocked her silent throat.Leaning her breast against the reedy shore,thus sang her first and last, and sang no more:"Farewell, all joys! O Death, come close mine eyes!"More Geese than Swans now live, more Fools than Wise."
~Orlando Gibbons

The swan song is a metaphorical phrase for a final gesture, effort, or performance given just before death or retirement. The phrase refers to an ancient belief that swans sing a beautiful song just before their death since they have been silent for most of their lifetime.
_______________________
There was a bird.

In the sky.

It spread its wings and let the wind carry its weight gently through these unbelievable heights. It softly stroked its feathers and yet touched it as though it was the most breakable cargo ever delivered to places unknown to anyone.

And it took forever. The wind had its way to take its time. And somehow the bird seemed to know. And it surrendered completely; knowing perfectly well nothing’s gonna happen if it just went along.

Leo had his head turned on the white hospital pillow and watched it for an eternity.
It had been years since he could recall having seen anything this peaceful. But then again, he hardly ever had recognized birds in the city. And he lost himself in its movements. The gentle way it spread its wings. The way it was able to let itself be carried by something he wasn’t able to see or grasp.

Leo closed his eyes for a moment.

How lucky this bird was. How jealous it made him feel. How much he longed to feel that way too.

And then, when he opened his eyes again; slowly adjusting to the brightness of the gray day, a warmth spread through his chest. It made him gasp slightly, but his body felt too heavy to even move beyond rising from the air streaming in.

He knew this feeling. He had known it before and only now realized that deep longing had never really vanished. As much as he had hoped for. As much as he’d prayed.

It hadn’t vanished…

______________

 

“I don’t really get this. It’s been a week,” Shirley ran after Roger, who - yet again - tried to avoid this conversation like the plague. Just as much as he did all this time. “You should do something! You shouldn’t act like this!”

“I have things to do,” Roger replied incidentally, not even looking up from his papers, but there was a very obvious annoyance in his voice. And he sped up. Being a rather short woman - even though she hated to admit this little fact - it became harder for her to keep up.

“Roger!”

Shirley stemmed herself between him and the front door and pressed it shut with her whole weight. It was then the taller man finally looked up and caught her eyes. He looked as though he was at the edge of exploding though, but she was determined not to let herself be brushed off again.

“This can’t go on!” she almost yelled at him. Roger bit his lips and his eyes grew colder. “You cannot keep ignoring this! Leo’s been home for days. Max is caring for him the way you usually would. With a little luck, he’s up to his feet in no time and from the sound of it, they actually try to work things out…”

“I’ve visited them at least every second day,” Roger replied, still astoundingly calm; yet that dangerous note to his voice remained. He could smell what this was about. She knew. Hell, he’d always been a step ahead when it came to heart-to-heart’s like this. Only thing was, Shirley wasn’t the one usually conducting these kinds of talks. And she knew she was being the wrong person right away, but what other chance was there? This required someone else. Someone like Scott, who always knew what to say to Roger. Who knew him on a deeper level and whom he respected mutually. Enough to not get rid of him that easily. Or even someone like Max - as ridiculous as this thought was - who knew his way around drilling some sense into another person without mercy. Or Brian, who could get a little brutal, but usually got to the point.

But Scott and Max and Brian weren’t here. They spent extra time in the theatre right now to somehow make up for the time they had lost. Someone had to after all. But Shirley couldn’t leave just like that. Something inside her just wouldn’t let her. Not with what was about to happen in their house and which was plain to see for everyone. A foreshadowing she didn’t anticipate as well as everyone else. Everyone except Roger, that was.

„I’m pretty sure Leo will be fine,“ Roger went on then, his voice still on edge but his whole demeanor got a lot softer as he thought about the younger man. „Max is by his side every second, as you noticed so perfectly!“

„Then why…,“ Shirley blocked his way with her arm as he tried to reach for the doorknob, obviously under the impression this conversation was over. „Why… can’t you do the same? Why do you act like this now? I really don’t get it?“

Roger sighed and threw his hands up, rolling his eyes. They’ve been having this kind of conversation for the past couple of days.
„I thought we’ve agreed on him needing some time to himself?“ he asked then in return.

Shirley nodded a little uncertain. „Yes, but Carmen obviously needs more than that! He’s been locking himself in ever since that day at the hospital! You can’t tell me this is normal…“

„You know how he can get!“ was Roger’s answer. And the way he said it suggested this was the end of their little talk for real. He turned his shoulder towards her, not leaving her out of sight though, and pushed himself past her to finally lay hands on the front door. “And he’ll be fine again… His phases pass. You know this!”

“But…,” Shirley tried to argue, but Roger was already out of the house and climbing down the stairs to their entrance, minding his own business and ignoring her useless attempt to finish their talk.
Shirley’s hands formed fists and she let out a cry of frustration, beating the doorframe with all her might. Only she didn’t consider this was gonna be much more painful for her than it actually appeasing her fury. So, Roger left with her cursing in the background but didn’t turn around.

He tried hard not to let her see he’d considered her words. Or her screams for that matter. Also he had to fight himself over and over again to stay distant from what the heck had happened in their house that night. Too unbelievable was all this anyway. But secretly, he had to agree with them. All of them. And the truth was, he was worried endlessly. It was hard for him to stay focused. Even harder to see Leo in the state he was in and witnessing Max trying to set something right that was way before their time. Leo’s suspicious glances in his direction whenever he thought Roger wasn’t noticing didn’t help much either. No, on top of that huge amount of bad conscience he did have came the haunting feeling of something not being right at all. Almost as though all this was entirely his fault.
And he sighed again thinking about it… Wasn’t this what this all came down to in the end? He and his big mouth….Why couldn’t he have just shut up when they asked him to…

He almost screamed at that thought, because it was plain obvious to see after all. But not only what had happened to Leo made him shiver inside.

No, whatever was going on with Carmen didn’t leave him cold either. Not even a bit, as much as he tried to pretend. So why did he act like this now? He was very well aware this must look like him being the coldest person around, when in reality - and it was hard for Roger to admit this to himself - he was scared beyond belief and almost didn’t sleep at all cause he lay awake all night, puzzling; questioning what was going on. And listening to the slightest sounds that might came from the small chamber his partner vanished to whenever he was around now.

Something about him made his blood freeze whenever he saw him sneak by now and even though he could lay his hands on what exactly it was, the way Carmen held back right now - almost timid and always alerted - seemed to part them even more. And from time to time he had that look on him… distant and cold as ice. He’d only once witnessed this in him and it was in a time both of them would rather forget than discuss.
He hardly spoke a word with him ever since he’d come home from the hospital that night, and, even while he was trying hard to contain a smile whenever being addressed it was painfully obvious he was avoiding Roger at all costs.
Roger shook his head again remembering it, only to get rid of this image. This wasn’t Carmen the way he knew him. No, this was indeed Carmen from a lifetime ago. Someone who withdrew and hid was was going on inside and - and he hated this part most of all - someone who clearly knew something more than he was willing to share.

It felt almost as though…

But no, Roger shook his head at that thought each time it came creeping into his mind again. But he had to admit, this whole behavior reminded him of something… Something he had done a thousand times before and something that felt familiar in a painfully unfamiliar way. But this just couldn’t be. He would never…

This was Carmen.

And Carmen would never be like Roger…

Which in return meant, something was eating him up… Something he didn’t want him; and especially him; to know.

And this was one thing that hurt more than anything and probably was the very reason why he couldn’t bear the presence of the one he should want around all the time at the moment. This was clearly going against him somehow. And given the facts he probably caused this, he felt as helpless as never before in his life. He simply didn’t know what to do.

But who was there he could share this with? There was no one to understand this, when Carmen refused to listen…

Roger looked outside the cab window and saw the buildings of the city flying by.

What if Scott had been right?, he thought by himself every other minute. What if he’d ruined this once and for all?

______________________________

 

He hated this.

All of it.
Leo sat on the bed in their bedroom. HIs hands dug into the sheets as he held on to the mattress as though he was afraid of falling into a bottomless pit any second. He didn’t move, but he felt his knuckles starting to strain and knew they’d probably turned white by now from the pressure. Yet, his gaze was directed at the window. He hardly blinked and breathed so low, it was hardly imaginable he was breathing at all if he hadn’t been awake and sitting up for an hour now.

The view outside wasn’t much of a sight. Their window was verging on the side of another brickstone building anyway, so there was nothing to see apart from old, gray stones, slowly growing mould and moss in their farthest corners.
Yet, he fixated with everything he had on a particularly ulgy piece of its kind, only to not needing to listen to what was going on around him.

Max had gone crazy.

Not in a bad way. But when he had been overprotective before, it was worse now.

Ever since they had allowed Leo to go home from the hospital, he hadn’t let him out of sight for a minute. Tugged in bed, he had not really been in the mood to talk about anything right now. Not that Max had bombarded him with question, no. But he hadn’t shut up for a minute, which - given it was Max ‘The ever grumpy, reticent, I’d-rather-chew-my-foot-off-than-share’ Bialystock - was strangely out of character. Worst part was though, he was being caring and sweet and literally followed his every movement with eagle’s eyes and fullfilled every need Leo might have before he even had the chance to say something. It was unnerving. Almost like he wanted to make up for something before Leo even got to wreck his brain about it.
Might be he had a bad conscience about what had come out. Might be that he was worried beyond anything else something else could happen. And Leo couldn’t even blame him for this. He had no idea what those doctors had told him, but he was pretty sure Max thought of him as a danger to himself as of now. The way he walked on eggshells around him and casually put away any objects sharper than a pillow told him. And even tho he tried to do this as inconspicuous as possible, Leo noticed. For one simple reason: All of this behavior would usually have been his own. Not Max’s.

God damn it! Not! Max’s!

If only he stopped!

But whenever he was trying to say anything to this, Max cut him off immediately.

It felt like choking. Like being trapped. A claustrophobia he hadn’t known before.

Leo had managed to get a few minutes to himself by sending Max into the kitchen to fix him a tea, and yet he didn’t feel like breathing freely even now.

His mind was deep in mist somehow. In a gray, foggy cloud of nothing. Whatever he was doing here, he didn’t know. He wanted company so badly, yet whenever his partner was with him in the same room he felt like screaming to be left alone. It was bizzarre.
So all he could do, was staring at this damn wall in front of his window, trying to sort the mess in his head and trying to relax his strained body.

But this felt so senseless…

All of it…

“Are you okay?” he heard that awfully familar voice behind him and immediately felt like puking.

His body stiffened and his hands tightened again, but he didn’t turn; only closed his eyes.

Max stood in the doorframe and glanced at his partner in the dimmed light of the room. He seemed like a ghost; a shell… something so far away from Leo as could possibly be. Max sighed silently and let his shoulders fall. Slowly he carried the wooden tray he was holding over to the night stand and with a dull clank let it rest there.

His eyes were on the floor too.

It almost felt strange to even look at Leo in this state.

“You shouldn’t strain yourself just yet,” he said then, but his voice was unusually quiet. And finally, he dared to turn towards him. He lifted his hands slightly when the thought of touching his partner’s shoulders to signalize he was there - as if Leo hadn’t heard him - but quickly let them fall again, biting his lips.

“I… I just mean… You’ve had an exhausting night….and…”

“Max?”

Max’s head shot up.

Leo didn’t turn, but his voice sounded strong and almost determined. Colder than before for sure. It almost gave him the chills.

“Do you think I don’t know what you’re trying here?” Leo asked then without moving. He still stared out the window but somehow he seemed certain his partner was listening.

“What do you…”

“You think I did this myself, don’t you?” Leo went on, now turning his head slightly to look at his bandaged arm. “Is this why?”

Max sighed again. “Leo…”

“You’re acting as though I am about to jump out of a window,” Leo finally turned to him, but instead of anger, he smiled slightly. His eyes were red and watery though. This obviously was hard for him to say and Max immediately held his breath, seeing it.

“I…don’t…,” Max took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a second, only to collect himself. He swallowed his thoughts and then he opened them again. Something in his look had changed.

Enough of this.

He straightened up and marched over to Leo.

The younger man backed away slightly as he was approached so quickly, but Max stopped right in front of him. He immediately fell down to one knee and without hesitation took Leo’s hand in his own; completely ignoring the bewildered look on his face.

“Listen to me,” Max spoke then, looking him directly in the eyes. “I don’t know what has happened last night. Or how this happened. Or whatever is going on here.”

He gently cupped the younger man’s face with his hands; realizing in shock Leo tried to back away from him for a second. He never liked to be touched without a warning, but this was new. This was different.

“But, I am no fool,” he continued then a lot more silent; feeling rejected yet again. “I know you’re not well. Hell, I guess everyone involved knows… Leo, please! What is it? How can I help you with this? Whatever this is?”

But Leo averted his eyes as good as possible, not reacting for an eternity.

“Have you been attacked?” Max asked again. But he soon noticed nothing was gonna come from his partner once more. He bit his lips.

“Leo, please,” he whispered then.

Leo then shook his head almost not visible.

And Max’s eyes widened.

“Carmen didn’t say anything too,” Max spoke so quietly now, it almost sounded more like pleading than a statement.

“He doesn’t know…;” Leo answered; straight away this time.

“He was with you….”

“Not then!”

“Did he leave you alone?”

Max was on his feet immediately; his hands formed to fists and his voice was roaring within the blink of an eye. “Did he leave you alone?”

“No, Max!” Leo’s head whirled around; his face red and his eyes with an expression of pure disgust of the pure notion of that thought. “He never went away…!”

His gaze now almost pierced his partner and Max couldn’t help but lower his arms. Instinctively he backed away a little. There was something there… Something cold. Something scary. And more importantly, something very accusing he got immediately.

“I…,” he sighed then, letting his head fall before shaking it slightly. He didn’t know how to convince Leo from this having been a mistake. How he could show how unimportant this… thing between Roger and him had been. And how long ago… Hell, he hadn’t even known Leo. At least not…

“I wanted to feel myself!”

These words were a mere whisper; in a voice quieter as the ticking clock in the office sounding numbly in the background.
Yet, within a second Max was alerted as never before.

Leo, on the other hand seemed to notice without looking up. He took a deep breath and straightened up a little. His breath became calmer and he slowly parted his lips before inhaling to finally speak again. His voice changed. He spoke as though he was reciting a recipe from a cook book; leaving Max speechless for a second. But he wasn’t prepared in the slightest what came then…

“I took a piece of the bedframe,” Leo spoke. “And pressed it to the skin of my arm… But I couldn’t feel a thing… So, I pressed harder… and harder… If only to feel…anything again.”

“Leo,” Max let go of him then and almost fell to the ground, not able to take his eyes away from his partner.

“When I was finally able to feel my arm…,” he went on as though this was the most normal thing to say. “I noticed what had happened… And I knew this had gone too far…”

“Why… Why?” Max shook his head like paralized.

“Because I could take none of this,” Leo now finally turned his head a little and looked at Max. Oddly enough, he spoke so softly and so heartbreakingly quiet, yet his eyes burned that moment. “The… betrayal…”

“Why didn’t he talk you out of this?”

Leo blinked once and then only noticed the urgency in that question.

“Why the hell didn’t Carmen do something if he had been there with you?” Max jumped up and now almost screamed; his arms widely gesturing. “What kind of friend waits for the actual injury before doing something?”

“What kind of friend causes this in the first place?” Leo shot back; still calm.

Max immediately bit his tongue, letting his arms fall.

He stared at Leo, not knowing what to say.

And Leo stared back at him, not needing to say any more.

The fridge rumbled away in the other room. The clock was still clicking. And even the noise from outside could be heard; somewhere silently like that annoying cooing of doves from the roofs of the neighbor building.

And Max thought he’d lost his ability to breathe until the point he had to take a deep inhale again. Which felt like an eternity.

But before he could say something, Leo turned away again.

“Spare your breath,” he said indifferently and more to the window again. “Since I am a prisoner here right now, you might as well give me a little space.”

“Leo…you….”

“Please,” he interrupted quickly and with a demeanor way too distinctive for Leo. Or anyone Max had ever known… Well, maybe Carmen if he was being pissed could get into that snobbish, indifferent behavior. But Leo?

“I wanna breathe!” Leo’s voice was rising suddenly, causing Max to flinch slightly. “So, please, just leave me alone for a few minutes! I need some time. I need to make a sense out of this myself! I need to regroup my mind before you start this overprotective juggle another time. I swear I’m gonna choke seeing you like this one more time… I…”

His voice then sounded like someone cut it off with a huge shiny knife, but as it did, his face cahnged to a much more compassionate look. May thought he might have noticed how much he was on the edge of snapping again. But leo held his stare. And bit his lips.

The doorbell cut through the echo of all this tension; all the accusations and the screaming silence in this moment like a hot thread through a piece of butter.

Leo sighed.

And averted his eyes again before sitting down on the bed slowly again, taking the exact same position as before and turning his heead to the window again.

“You can tell this to Roger too,” he then said.

“Leo…”

But the younger man shook his head slowly.
“I just… need to breathe!”

_____________________________

 

It took Max forever to finally close that door on him.

To know Leo sat there. Alone. Lost in something neither of them seemed to understand properly. Or maybe Leo did understand perfectly, but whatever this was, he chose to cast Max out. Out of his thoughts, which he usually shared with everyone unsolicidetly. Out of the proximity they usually shared. Out of his room, which he now occupied without Max being able to control if another of these strange glitches happened.
And out of his life in a strange way because…

Max sighed once more, letting his head bump to the cold ocher wall next to the door softly.

Because, and this was the part Max hated to admit and had tried to avoid it as long as possible, but now felt he couldn’t any longer… Because he had stopped trusting him. He had considered it. Took all the things he never wanted him to know. Had thrown them into his mind, had stirred them up and had them proceed messing him up his confused mind as it was anyway. And then he had gone and… Max swallowed hard, replaying Leo’s words again and again and again in his head. He had let all this lead him to hurting himself. He had admitted it. And then he had gone and decided to lose trust in him. Just like that. Knowing Leo he had weighed the pro’s and cons a million times over.
Knowing Leo he had probably written them down somewhere, in fine charts with a feminine handwriting. Knowing Leo he probably had swayed in these demons for hours before finally he hadn’t been able to take it anymore and had needed to confide in someone.
Knowing the situation it hadn’t been him obviously.
But knowing Leo, it could only have been the person he trusted apart from Max.

And knowing what he had learned that person had been there when this had happened. And hadn’t done anything about it. Anything to stop it. Anything to convince him otherwise.

So what was all this realization good for if there was no way to find out what had happened? Or how to help? Or how to do basically anything?

He lifted his heavy head. It felt like exploding right now. What the hell had he done?
He leaned his back to the wall now; feeling like falling over if nothing supported him that moment.

He looked around.

Why did the office emanate so much darkness now?
All the lights were turned on. Everything looked as always. Everything sounded like always. Yet without Leo somewhere in the corner, brooding over some books and looking tiredly over to him, yet at the same time shooting a sarcastic little comeback to one of Max’s mockingly loving comments every now and then, this felt so much more unfamiliar.
Nothing felt like it used to right now.
Not with the memory of Leo sitting there over the bathtub, crying his eyes out from the pain and the shame of having injured his hand. Not with the memory of seeing his dark eyes turning cold on him. Not with him verbally - and almsot physically - attacking him. Not with the sound of Roger’s voice in his ears, repeating what Carmen had said on the phone. Not with Carmen being unable to explain properly what had happened.
Not with Leo’s mother speaking so cryptic.

Leo’s mother…

Max held his breath and lifted his head again.

As much as he’d tried he just couldn’t forget what she had said back in the hospital. He hadn’t really been able to make sense of it properly, yet there was this feeliing. This little voice somewhere deep inside of him that knew exactly what she had meant to say. Some undeniable truth he couldn’t shake.
And he had had experienced these things - these glitches or dropouts or whatever they might be called - more than enough in the past few days. Which meant she hadn’t been there coincidentally.

Which meant she had known what she was talking about.

And then something else crossed his mind.

Carmen had known too.

Carmen, who had been with Leo it had happened. Carmen, who, if at all, knew more than he was telling. Just like Leo.

As far as he had been able to understand Roger the last time he had been here, things weren’t looking too bright over on the Upper East Side either.
He had only been listening with one ear, but Roger had looked as tired and confused as Max felt as well. And thinking about it, he couldn’t even blame him. After all it had been Roger’s fault all this had started in the first place, right?
But then again, Carmen never pulled back from his family. He could get pissed. He could get bitchy. He could even go on not talking to Roger for days if he was offended by anything. But as long as Max had experienced him, he’d never shut down and acted traumatized before. Or had he?

Max tousled his hair. He just couldn’t remember if his life depended on it. And hell why would he care about that right now? There was so much more at stake right now. There was Leo, who was not okay. There was that show which needed its team. There was his betrayal which had hurt Leo. There was Roger. Who was part of said betrayal. And Carmen who was as well. Who probably was as hurt as Leo. But then again he couldn’t think about two problems right now.
Were they problems?
Leo wasn’t. And Roger was definitely not… But they were in the middle of production. They didn’t have time for this. Not now.
But Leo was hurt… As was Carmen… When they weren’t the problem, what if he was? What if he had done this? What if Roger was right telling them? Maybe Leo wouldn’t hurt. Or Carmen. Maybe nothing would have happened. Work could go on as usual… With Max in it. And Roger.

Leo.
Hurt.
Carmen.
Hurt.
Leo… Carmen…
Hurt!
Leo!
LEO!

Max only managed to make all this shut up the moment he realized there was a wall blocking his way. He stopped and took a very conscious breath, feeling the air streaming in his body as if he had held his breath for a couple of hours.

He turned around, noticing he was standing in front of their front door, staring at the clothes rack. A little confused he looked around once or twice.
Without really noticing he must have paced through the office, completely lost in his thoughts. He hadn’t even noticed he had been moving, yet he was standing here. So, being aware of scientific nonsense like beaming wasn’t possible, he concluded this had happened without consciously having decided to.

Max exhaled once and tried to do this very controlled. He could feel the tension of his body relaxing a little right away and felt his hands loosen their deadly grip on eachother. God, did a normal blood circulation feel good, he thought, as they started to tickle slightly.
Wasn’t it crazy how much he could lose control too? He almost jeered about the fact. He could recall every single one of the million things which had run through his head in the past… How late was it anyway?

He quickly checked the clock on the huge desk in the middle of the room by bending backwards a bit.

Three minutes.

Three deadly long minutes.

He swore this had felt longer.

Another ring of the doorbell made him jump them though.

It was then he remembered why they had been interrupted in the first place.

So, being in the lucky position to live in a building with a buzzer, he slowly lifted his arm and pressed it, hearing the front foor of the house opening noisily thorugh the echoes of the hallway. He sighed once more.

This must be Roger’s daily visit.

And all of a sudden, Max felt incredibly tired as well. He wasn’t sure if he could face him today. Not when everything had changed in a heartbeat for him. For them. For all of them…

He was just about to open the door when he noticed he was leaning his head against the clothes rack. How familiar this smelled. Like rain. And Leo.

Suddenly, his eyes widened.

Like LEO!

He was leaning against Leo’s coat. The one he had been wearing when Carmen and him had left the Debris’ house after Leo had demanded to talk to him so badly. The coat he had worn when Carmen had brought him to the hospital - if he really believed that story. And the coat he had had swung over his shoulders as he had tried to accompany Leo inside after they’d released him from the hospital…

Without thinking about it, Max took it off the rack and watched it.

It looked like always. Minus the blood stains on the right sleeve. This horrible pattern of dark sprinkles…

But then he noticed something else.

There was something much smaller. And golden. Right in front of him, shimmering cautiosly out of his left pocket.

Max took the coat by it’s sleeve in no time and let his hand slide into the pocket, for the first time getting away of Leo having been carrying something he hadn’t noticed.
And it took only a second to grasp what it was.

Max’s eyes widened and a small gasp slipped out of his mouth.

The coat fell to the ground seemingly in slow motion, as Max kept staring on this thing in his hands.
He couldn’t explain it. He didn’t know why Leo would have this. And he didn’t even know why this shocked him so immensly right now, for in reality it was nothing special. But the golden chains in his hands kept shimmering back at him mockingly, as if to say “We know something you don’t.”
The front door opened quietly and a second later, Roger’s head appereared behind it, looking a little confused around until he spotted Max in the corner next to him.

“Hey,” he said then quietly, stepping inside completely. He closed the door carefully behind himseld. “How are you today? Is Leo better?”

He was about to step closer to his friend, when he suddenly stopped.

“Max?” he said a little taken aback, seeing his friend there, white as snow, motionless and with an expression that - he had to admit - scared him more than anything. “Is…Is everything okay?”

Max turned his head to Roger very slowly, as if he’d only now noticed he was standing there, actually talking to him. He still held the chains in his hand.
Roger. He was here. Alone again. Without…
What if he knew something? What if his partner consciously knew something he wasn’t telling? What if Roger knew too? No, there was no way he could. He would have told anything.

But then, this meant…

“Roger?” Max asked and tried to stay calm. “Where’s Carmen?”

“What do you mean?” Roger asked in return, looking confused. “He’s still locking himself… up….and….”

It was then he also realized what Max held there in his hands.

“Why do you have his chains?” Roger asked then, raising one eyebrow.

“I wanna talk to him!” Max shot.

“What?”

“Right now!”

“What? Max! Relax, will you?” Roger took him by the shoulders, preventing him from rushing off under his eyes. “What is going on? Why this sudden urge to talk to him? And where the hell did you get Carmen’s chains?”

“Roger, let go!” Max’s voice grew louder now. “I need to talk to Carmen!”

“He doesn’t talk to anyone, I’m afraid,” Roger interrupted him. “You need to give him time!”

“I won’t give him anything,” Max almost yelled now. “I need some answers! Right now!”

“And don’t you think I do, too?” Roger instictively yelled back and finally seemed to reach Max right there, for he was suddenly standing still. Without any struggle, just looking at him with wide eyes; his hands still firmly tight around the golden chains. “God forbid, I want as much any answers as you! But Max, think about it! Leo needs you! Right here!”

“He doesn’t,” Max now only was able to whisper and shook his head. “He doesn’t. He said so himself. He needs everything but me. Or you! He’s… he… I can’t!”

He let his head fall, closing his eyes tightly and clenching his teeth.

“You can’t…what?”

“I can’t do this,” Max whispered back. “I can’t keep hurting him like this… He needs someone… Someone better. Someone able to fix this…”

“And you think this is Carmen?” Roger asked, a little confused.

“NO!” Max whireld around again. “Last time we let them go, he almost lost an arm!”

“Then think about this. Please, Max!” Roger said, looking at him sincerely. “How will this help him in any way?”

“He knows what has happened,” Max replied, straightening up again. “He can enlighten this darkness. He knows… And maybe this can help Leo. And it’s Leo… We must help him somehow…”

Roger gasped slightly as he noticed how hard Max was trying to swallow his tears. Whether out of anger or frustration, he couldn’t tell, but they kept on coming and neither him nor Max were able to do something about it.

“But Max,” he started after a moment. “He doesn’t talk. To anybody!”

“Don’t be silly!”

“I’m not!” Roger straightened now too, looking more serious than ever before. Max noticed in surprise. “I’m being a hundred percent sincere with you right now. He doesn’t talk. He doesn’t show himself. To no one. And when he wants to be invisible, he will be. You won’t achieve anything. Believe me. I know how he can get…”

“Maybe he needs something to convince him then,” Max said; his grip tightening around the chains. “Or someone…”

“I doubt that someone is you,” Roger replied. “Or me for that matter…” He let his head fall with these words and closed his eyes, only noticing now how incredibly muddled this whole situation really was.

Max only stared back at him.

Hearing this, a lot of his anger was gone for good… Yet, the overwhelming helplessness wasback. Stronger than before. And Max could tell Roger felt it too…

“I will!”

Both of them whirled around, hearing a voice from behind them.

Leo stood in the doorframe; a sweater sloppily thrown over his body and his hair tousled with a pale face. Yet, his eyes were as determined as before. As burning as Max had witnessed them before Roger came around.

“Leo…you…,” Roger started, sighing slightly, but he got interrupted as well.

Leo shook his head.

And then, something happened Max had forgotten about. Something he hadn’t even dared to dream of seeing again all too soon.

Leo smiled at both of them. It was small and forced and he could tell immediately it wasn’t real. But he smiled.

“I wanna talk to him, too!”

 

~ To be continued ~

Chapter 9: Ripping Apart

Chapter Text

He didn’t know what to do.

Whether to ignore that nagging feeling of a bad conscience, which kept telling him to simply hide and don’t see anyone for the next weeks, or the urge to act as though nothing had happened and simply face them as he usually would, he couldn’t decide. Both options seemed too much out of character and he knew Roger good enough to know he already smelled something was going on. Something wasn’t right. Heck, he wasn’t even able to look at him anymore. Even being close to him felt like a betrayal; so unnatural in a way - just as though they’d never had a closer bond. And he knew Roger could feel it. It would surprise him, if he didn’t. But then, just this morning, his partner had knocked on the door of the little chamber next to the kitchen - a soft, almost timid knock - and had asked if he needed anything.

“Carmen?” he’d heard his voice and the worries in it. He remembered vividly. “Darling, do you need anything?”

He had heard him, as he had been very well awake. Loud and clear. But all he had been able to do was pulling his blanket closer to himself and wishing he could vanish inside this self-built cave.

“Darling, please,” Roger had kept begging. And Carmen knew, he’d been listening to the door, probably desperate to get some kind of noise as an answer. Anything. But all that he could do had been sighing loudly, closing his eyes just to block all this out. “If…If you’re…you know… you’re gonna need more time for… whatever you’re going through,” he’d sighed too. “I will give it to you. But…”

Roger had stopped there, obviously trying to collect his thoughts. Or words.

And it had been then, Carmen had dared to reply something at last; a desperate attempt, not more than a whisper.

“I’m not feeling well,” he’d answered silently, knowing in an instance his partner had been listening. “I’m… I’m just not feeling well…Nothing more.”

“Won’t you open the door?” Roger had asked in return in a voice so soft and full of worry, it had almost not been sounding like him at all. “I can help you, if you’re sick. I can try at least.”

Carmen hadn’t answered this, but had felt that overwhelming guilt creeping up his body immediately again. And that feeling remained with him til now.

Roger had remained in front of that door after listening for a moment. But when he had been completely certain, nothing was gonna come, Carmen had heard him sigh and then listened to his fading footsteps in the corridor outside.

Pulling that blanket a little closer to himself, he’d tried to ignore that horrible feeling but his body had had other plans and within the blink of an eye he couldn’t stop his tears from falling again.

He hadn’t really moved since then.

He didn’t even know what it was that kept him lying there, but every time he tried to move, his whole body somehow hurt in a way so new to him, it seriously made him wonder if this would ever pass. But strangely enough, he couldn’t force himself to even think of something else than this… This indescribable rotten thing he had done. This more than certain chance he’d decided to take that would ruin everything, if it ever came out. And who was he kidding? Stuff like that was bound to come out. Always.

And for a moment he felt it. This never ending despair; this dark cloud containing that old all-consuming fear. Of course, he recognized it. They were old friends after all, but he honestly thought he’d prevailed over that demon once and for all, when just now… in that little moment… it came creeping back to him like none of the past years had ever happened. Like he hadn’t become someone else. Like this wasn’t his home; his family. Everything was at stake right now and everything felt oddly unfamiliar ever since he’d come home…
Carmen closed his eyes once more; clenching his teeth until his jaw started to hurt when the sound of someone knocking on the door once more almost cut through this wall of thoughts in his mind.

He immediately teared his eyes wide open.

Another knock…

He felt paralyzed. Even if he cared to let anyone in, he didn’t have the strength to even lift his tired body up just yet.

“Darling?” he heard Roger’s voice once more.

Instinctively, he curled up again and held his breath.
And once more he hated himself for wishing Roger would leave him alone. Wishing he’d just go…

“Darling? Could you open?” Roger sounded as though he was talking to a child right now. Carmen hated this voice. He hated the way the worries spoke out of that awfully unfamiliar voice of his partner. Roger was loud and excited and loved to brag and exeggerate… But he never sounded worried. Not him.

“Carmen, please,” he heard him again and sighed. “We… I… Listen, Max is here! He… wants to talk to you…”

Carmen teared his eyes open again in an instance. His stomach started to contract up to the point of being painful. A cold shiver ran through him and for once he knew what he was feeling there right now: panic.

“Oh, enough of this!” he heard Max’s voice; impatient as ever. “Carmen! Come on! Stop this shit! We have other problems right now! Open the door! I have some questions!”

“Stop it!” Roger interfered. “You cannot talk to him like this!”

“This is not about him, I’m sorry!” Max bellowed; clearly annoyed. “Seriously, I’m convinced something isn’t right here and he knows the answer!”

“MAX!”

“Just open that door!”

Max started knocking on that wooden door so hard now, it almost sounded like as though he was gonna tear it down.

‘He knows,’ was the last thing Carmen caught himself thinking before his feet developped a life of their own somehow and without turning once, he jumped out of his little cave on the bed. Being able to move without a sound whatsoever, he managed to get over to the windows and opened it silently.
And only when his feet touched the wooden floor of the large backyard terrace, he thought about what he had done just there.

He’d fled… Like a coward. Like someone who hid something. Like someone… not trusting his family anymore…

Carmen stopped at the ballustrade of their backyard in front of the huge windows of their living room and grabbed the wooden railing to support himself.

Whatever this was, he immediately felt awful. He even had his troubles grasping properly what had happened just now, but he knew perfectly well that this wasn’t what he should be doing. On the contrary, this would cause even more suspicion… and in return he wouldn’t feel better.

He stared down at his hands, which started to shiver the more abrupt his breaths became. And he hardly could believe what he was doing here.

This wasn’t the solution. this wasn’t even something close to a good idea. So why on earth couldn’t he just face them? Roger would be one thing, but he should easily be able to remain steadfast before Max. Hell, he wouldn’t suspect a thing as long as Leo didn’t say anything. And if he was being really honest with himself, he didn’t even know if this had really been Leo. The Leo they all knew. If he even remembered anything. So, what was the big deal? All he had to do was to pretend nothing had happened. Except for the part they already knew. And they might even understand him withdrawing a bit after what Leo had done.

Again, he held his breath to try and stop his thoughts.

And again, he saw that image in front of his eyes. He shook his head and closed his eyes so tightly, his head immediately started to hurt; but maybe - if only - he would be able to shake these thoughts. Somehow…

Leo… He wasn’t someone else. He was… - Carmen sighed again, staring at the potted plants in front of him as though they’d provide any answers. But the truth was, he couldn’t say if this was fact or some twisted little thing his mind told himself over and over again to find a plausible solution to everything his feelings tried so hard to wreck.

Those eyes.

He’d never seen Leo look like this. Not at him. Not at anybody for that matter… And the words of Leo rang subliminally in his head all the time: “Something is wrong with me!”
Something…

So what if he knew? What if Leo was very aware of what had happened in that shabby old dump? What if he had told Max? What if that was the reason Max was here?

Once more, he closed his eyes tightly and leaned his hurting head against one of the wooden, ivy-wined posts. He felt bad. And betrayed. And ashamed. And everything in between; a curiously strong mixture of feelings describable with a thousand little adjectives of which none would find its way into his memory right now.

If Leo told him, he was much braver than himself right now. If Leo told him, he was gonna be in trouble. And more impotantly: if Leo told him, he knew the reason Max was here. He knew why he was fuming that way. And he knew perfectly well he’d ruined this. All of this. His life, Leo’s life, his family, Leo and Max’s relationship and most of all his own. He’d broken Roger’s trust. He’d taken it and had stomped on it. And he’d lied. Something he had sworn never to do again every since every last of his many secrets had come out. But this…

Slowly, Carmen opened his eyes again.

There was no way. He couldn’t run forever. He couldn’t even hide forever. And sooner or later he’d have to face them. Face Roger… And after all, he couldn’t really be sure Leo had said anything, right? Leo didn’t seem to be in the position to say anything at all and if he didn’t remember this, there was a slight chance that maybe he could camouflage this one thing. This mistake. This night…

Carmen took a deep breath and straightened up again, slowly letting go of the post.

There was no way he could hide forever. So, why not swallow his fears and face them right now? Why not dare to put up yet another show? One last little act?

He turned his head and looked back at the window he’d fled so urgently. Going back in there was out of question, since Max probably had broken the door open by now. So the only way back was through the glass doors of the living room. Maybe he could fool them somehow…

But, yet again, his thoughts were interrupted when he turned around.
All of a sudden his body froze and he felt the little hint of courage leave his mind as though the afternoon wind had blown it away.

“You’re hiding out here?”

Leo looked at him the same way he’d always done - his head bowed shyly; the corners of his mouth always worried, but with a slight premonition of a smile in case someone said something light or funny; his eyes uncertain if they wanted to shine or cry, yet they remained fixated on his friend. Carmen on the other hand stood almost paralyzed; returning the stare he received, but did neither know whether to believe Leo stood there in front of him nor how to respond to this strangely unpleasant sincere question.

_____________________________________

 

“How can you know what he does?”

Max finally asked, not taking his eyes away from this woman in front of him, who looked so much like his partner, it started to creep him out a little the longer he looked at her.

He’d sucessfully managed to stem himself against Carmen’s grip, causing the younger man to stop. At first, they’d looked at each other in surprise but then Max hadn’t taken his eyes away from the questioning look Carmen immediately had given him.
‘Please,’ He’d pled without words, praying Carmen would for once be able to read his mind as he demonstrated so often before with everyone else. ‘I need to know. I need to!’
And after a short moment, Carmen indeed gave just a short nod in his direction, but it was plain to see he wouldn’t leave him alone one step on the way to that answer. For a tiny second, it even gave Max a strange feeling. Somehow touching… And warm…
But then he’d turned and locked eyes with that woman again.

And the way she stood there. With that determined stare and the slight hint of a smug grin hidden somewhere in the corners of her mouth was almost intimidating. But that was one thing only. The other was, why was she here? He’d heard of her from Leo of course, but it always sounded like it had been decades since he himself had seen her.

And more importantly, didn’t he say she had been arrested?

“How can you know anything?” Max asked again, feeling that slight tremble in his voice beginning to show. “How come you know he is here and more importantly, why do you care all of a sudden?”

He felt Carmen’s eyes on him as well, knowing instantly, he was wondering how Max knew about this, but then he saw his head turning again from the corners of his eyes and knew, he was expecting an answer as well.

“Listen, I can imagine what he’s been telling you,” she replied calmly. Way too calmly for someone who’d never shown up ever before and suddenly seemed to know about Leo - about them - all too well. “But you should be careful.”

“Why?” Max asked, without even thinking about a possible answer. This was absurd. He knew Leo. For years. He’d seen him change in any possible way and she couldn’t possibly know any of the things they’d been through together after all.

“Because this isn’t the first time this has happened,” she answered and for a split second something Max had to call compassion seemed to glitter in her eyes, while she still stod completely motionless; just observing him.

“He’s never been anywhere close to this,” Max spoke a lot quieter now, looking around once, as if afraid someone could hear them.
“That’s because it didn’t show,” she replied incidentally. “He cannot control it.”

Max bid his lips hearing this. Whatever ‘it’ was, she seemed to know exactly what he - what they all - had been experiencing for a while now. In that one short answer, he could read all the signs she knew about everything.

“What a huge bunch of bullshit,” Carmen jumped in now and cause Max to wake up from his thoughts. “Witnessing him getting emotional, literally fleeing from him, even though he begged you not to and then undoubtedly seeing him breaking down over it is a good guess. Anyone could have predicted this.”

She slowly turned her head towards him but her look wasn’t as compationate as with Max by all means. No, in a matter of seconds it became cold as ice.

Max noticed in surprise.

“He left with you,” she mumbled then, scanning Carmen from head to toe, almost not visible.

“And you’ve obviously been stalking a good deal of what he does,” Carmen scowled at her. But as obvious as his mistrust was here, he quickly turned his body towards Max again.

“Max, don’t listen to this,” his voice had changed again. As had his face. He almost looked at the older man pleadingly now. “Leo is emotional. We know that. The smallest things can throw him off. You know that! This is no revelation! She hasn’t been around forever. What does she actually know?”

“I know that, you’re right,” Max answered as if in trance. But then he shook his had once and took a breath before straightening up again. “But she hasn’t seen him in years. How do you explain her knowing then?”

“Don’t you think it’s kind of strange she shows up all of a sudden and knows so perfectly well what is going on?” Carmen insisted, shaking his head. “Why hadn’t she been there before? Why now? And why has Leo never mentioned she’s there?”

Max had no answers to this, if he was being honest. But one thing he did know:

“How come YOU know about her?”

Carmen backed away at once. He clearly hadn’t expected this turn of tables. Certainly not from Max for that matter. This was suspicious and somehow way too obvious not to see. Why did Max feel he needed to turn this around now?

“Because he’s mentioned her when she ran away from him,” Carmen answered then a lot quieter, pointing his finger at her. “Do you even understand this? He begged her not to go. He screamed for her to stop and she fled. So, why would someone do this? Be that cruel to someone they supposedly love? Why would she even show herself?”

A soft laugh disrupted them though.

A laugh that grew to contain a weird kind of dangerous undertone. Or maybe they were imagining this. Neither of them were really able to tell, but as they turned to look at Leo’s mother again, she seemed more amused about them bickering than actually taking their accusations seriously.

“What’s so funny?” Max let his hands fall. “If you think about it, he’s got a point there.”

“Forgive me,” she smiled and her stare rested on Carmen for a moment too long. But then she turned to face Max again. “You should ask him…”

“About what?”

“About everything,” she asnwered and that grin was there again. “About this behavior. About what’s going on. And you’ll see I am right.”

“This doesn’t answer anything,” Max grew angry now. “You’re distracting. The only thing I wanna know is why?! Why are you not answering straight away?”

“Listen, this here ain’t no coicidence,” she said, now stepping forward a little. “Leo might have told you about what has happened. To him. To us… But he surely didn’t tell you about how it happened, did he? No, of course not. I can see it in you.”

“You don’t know a bit about me,” Max clenched his teeth now.

“You and him, this is going on for a while now, right?” She was unimpressed as she carried on; crossing her arms in front of her body. “He not only trusts you, he also dared to tell you about certain things.”

Carmen could see Max holding his breath. And the more this woman seemed to know about them, the more he found all this to be more than incredible. And the surprise was clearly written all over Max’s face. About her knowing this. Knowing about them. Somehting Max still didn’t live publicly after all.

“You should ask him about these behaviors though,” she went on. “I predict he will change the subject. He will focus on something inside of himself. On his hurt. He will start acting like he doesn’t know what you’re talking about. Which might be true to a certain point. But he won’t tell you it has happened before. This is what you need to look out for. This is your indication he is lying!”

Max listened to her even though he didn’t want to. But somehow he couldn’t do anything else. He wanted to disagree. Wanted to attack her verbally. Wanted to scream and shout and tell her to shut up. But the painful truth was, he knew she was gonna be right. After all, Leo had done it before. Everything she’s said there was true. Everything made sense. Only, none of this answered one on the million questions he had in his head.

He flinched though, when he heard a slight jeer from Carmen next to him all of a sudden.

“Good try,” the younger man said, staring at her daringly. “But you’re wrong. He told me it has happened before!”

What? Max’s head whirled around. This couldn’t be. What the heck was this about now? This couldn’t be true. There was no way Leo would share something this important with someone like Carmen before himself. They were friends, sure. They had been ever since they’d first met. But Leo wouldn’t share something this personal with anybody. And, if he was being honest, Max had always felt secretly proud of being the only one Leo trusted as much as to actually speak about his past. Did this mean he didn’t trust him anymore? Or did this mean, he’d lost the ability to trust him? Did he find someone he deemed more secure than what had taken Max years to build for Leo there?

And once more, he stared at Carmen, who stood there: all enraged, tousled, still covered in blood and tired… And once more, he thought about how strangely different it was to see him without his chains…

Why was it something here didn’t make sense?

That strange woman in front of them held Camren’s stare though. And her smile grew to be even wider.

“Ah, I see,” she said and closed her eyes for a moment. “You’ve met this version of him…”

“What?” Max looked from one to the other again. This was way too confusing by now.

She turned her head immediately to Max again.

“Ask him,” she repeated more determined now. “Ask him and witness his lies!”

She started to walk, obviously meaning to leave. But she stopped in front of Max once more.

“You’ll know I’m right,” she whispered. Then, she took a small piece of paper out of her pocket and handed it to him; hidden from the eyes of Carmen. “And once you do, we can speak…”

Thus she nodded once and marched on, but stopped yet again while passing Carmen. She closed her eyes.

“You should pray he doesn’t notice,” she whispered nearly not audible. Carmen looked straight ahead though and hardly moved. Only his look became more sinister within a second. “The consequences would be devastating. On him…and them…and on you!”

And without another word she was moving on and vanished behind the next turn of the long corridors.

 

___________________________________

 

He wasn’t sure this was a good idea.

And yet there he was. In a freaking cab back to the Upper East Side with two of his friends next to him, who probably weren’t better off than he was right now. Yet, Roger felt out of place somehow. Like he wasn’t participating in whatever it was that was going on right now. And he wonderred how they all ended up here. It felt so much like everything was fine a moment ago and right now they were in this huge, indescibable mess and he didn’t even grasp how exactly they got here.

And somehow he was weirdly cast out of all of this, yet remaining one of the main reasons this whole snowball started moving. At least so it felt to him.

Looking to his right, seeing Leo there, who wasn’t even the Leo he’d grown to love over the years so much. He was being pretty relaxed - given this was Leo - yet seemed to wonder himself why he was there with them too. And in that moment, Roger really wondered what he thought right now. If his assessment was true. And why he’d never taken the time to get to know him better. Maybe he’d have been able to judge this now.
But somehow, he’d never bothered.

Leo had always been the little sheep in that family. The kid. The one who needed protection, but - as hard as this was for Roger to admit - never the one he talked to eye to eye.

So, wasn’t Leo somehow right here? They hadn’t taken him seriously. Like ever…
A little fact, Roger immediately started to feel horrible about. He should have seen this before. But he had always been… what exactly?
Max’s partner? In a way yes. He had been the reasonable one between the two, but still needed constant protection from Max’s ways.
He was Carmen’s friend. Yes. In a way, he’d always accepted the fact the two of them got along strangely well. And he’d never been bothered about that little fact either. Let Carmen have his own friends. Let them get along. No probem there…
But now, knowing perfectly well they all were fmaily to Leo, he really thought about how he had seen him in this whole scheme.

And then there was Max.
He sat there, obviously very worried about Leo and obviously not bothering to show it. What a strange turn from the picture he had grown accustomed of in the years of knowing him. Yet, he was being pissed. It was plain to see. And he saw something in what had happened - what was still happpening - he wouldn’t tell anybody. Maybe it was just a hunch he had there, but thinking about this too, Roger sensed there was a truth about it somewhere. Something was off with all this. Something was not feeling right.

But he refused to think about Carmen being the key to it.
Hell, Max didn’t know him the way he did. Max couldn’t know about his own insecurities. Max couldn’t know what was going on in his house right now.

And yet…

There was this little voice inside of him, whispering quietly about all the things he had decided not to think about a long time ago. About the suspicion Carmen had always shown in the beginning. About his own little doubts whether he fully trusted him now or not. About his partners lies for so many years…
And then again, he had been lying too. He himself had chosen to betray him. More than once.

Roger shook his head slightly. Hadn’t Carmen always been the one forgiving him? Hadn’t he proven to be fully on his side? To be as loyal as no one else ever before was?

And hadn’t Roger himself been the one to fall for that trap of temptation again and again, while he didn’t even know the reason for it? Hell, he’s had everything he ever wanted right in front of him. He’d neveer dreamed of having such great friends. Such a family. And he didn’t even had to search for them. No, on the contrary, they’d found him when he had needed them the most as well. And Carmen?

He sighed.

This one he was certain of. Carmen was the only one meaning more to him than anything else. He’d never imagined having so much luck on his side inside one person. He’d never believed he would be able to love someone as much and there was no way he could imagine a life without him anymore. And yet, he had pushed all this aside to what? To just satisfy his own needs…

So what was strange here? What happened to Leo? To them? Whatever Max suspected? Or was it - in reality - what he had done to all of them?

“You sure he will speak to us?” he heard Leo’s voice suddenly and was ripped out of his thoughts.
Roger opened his mouth once but he didn’t know what to answer.

“He will have to,” Max ansered before Roger could even sort his thoughts. “I will make him if he doesn’t.”

Roger shook his head though.

“Don’t!”

Max’s head shot around. And Leo flinched immediately.

Roger had his arms crossed and his eyes closed, yet his face wore an expression one could only call irritated.

“Roger…,” Max started, but Roger was quicker this time.

“Don’t!” he repeated. “Don’t dare to say that again!”

He could hear Max swallowing his words.

“Roger…,”

“I’ve told you before, it’s not like you think,” Roger opened his eyes and felt his own anger transferring over to Max. He could see it in his changing face. “And I forbid you to accuse him of anything!”
“He’s been there,” Max whispered; his head red with anger, but clearly careful Leo wouldn’t hear it. “He knows more than he tells you. You cannot change my mind.”

“And you don’t seem to understand what this is about,” Roger whirled around, now clearly not bothering about Leo a bit. “This is something other than pure knowledge of things! This is what can ruin everything! This is what will make you and me lose everything, if not treated carefully. And I’m not gonna let you destroy it.”

“Are you crazy?” Max’s head shot around to look at Leo. He was terrified how the younger man would take this very obvious accusation.

But Leo only sat there, his head leaned to the window of the cab. His hair fell into his face and he had his eyes closed, as though a terrible headache was tormenting him.

“Leo?” Max said then, a lot calmer and clearly worried. His change in tone was undeniable and it made Roger sit up straight in a heartbeat.

Leo hardly reacteds though, but shrugged once slightly.

“Leo, are you okay?” Max touched his shoulders softly and even Roger felt sorry right then.

Again, Leo only shrugged.

“Leo?” Roger jumped in now too. “I didn’t mean… I…”

But Leo just opened his eyes, turning his head slowly and looked at them as if he didn’t even know where he was.
Both, Max and Roger backed away in shock; both of them understanding immediately what this was about.

Again…

 

__________

 

“You cannot do this!”

Roger screamed at Max now too, angrily holding his hands back to knock on that door once more.

“Are you crazy?” Max fumed too. “You cannot keep protecting him like this! Isn’t this proof enough to you?”

“Proof of what?” Roger asked in return. “He’s had to experience this! Not once, not twice. Not only tonight! Hell, Max! He had to go through this way too often! Nobody should ever endure this! And then it was Leo! LEO!”

Roger almost shook him now. If only he’d stop this. Stop planting this seed of doubt into him. Stop accusing Carmen of… something. Stop being paranoid when one paraniod friend was more than enough. When he himself couldn’t take this anymore. When…when… when…

But Max opened his eyes and their eyes locked.

“What more proof do you need?” his voice now almost broke. “Is what happens to Leo not enough? Is it coicidence Carmen is acting strange now? They were together when this happened… He was covered in… in Leo’s blood… Is… Is this…”

Max took the chains out of his own pocket and almost threw them at Roger now, while tears were starting to run down his face and his voice steadily broke. “Is this not enough?”

And then Roger let go of him. He backed away, never leaving Max’s stare.

“I… I understand it must be a trauma,” Max went on, now merely whispering. “I understand what probably comes up again in him… But…”

Roger shook his head though, closing his eyes for a moment.

“But… Roger!” Max held him by the shoulders now. “Please! Please… I know what this means to him! I know what he means to you! But…”

“Max…”

“I wish you wouldn’t make me say it,” Max interrupted him, shaking his head again and looking down now with his eyes closed. This was something he’d never done before. Not as long as Roger had known him at least. “But… whatever you fear for Carmen here… Is…what I fear for Leo. Please! It’s Leo! Leo….And I… I cannot let him go through this alone!”

Roger bid his lips.

“And if… If Carmen is the one knowing… If Carmen is the one,” Max swallowed hard. “The one Leo chose to confide in…”

It was plain to see how hard this was for Max to say, but if there had ever been a moment Max Bialystock had been completely honest, then this was it. And Roger understood how painful that realization must be for his friend.

“Then he knows,” Max looked at him now so desperately, there was absolutely no other way for Roger than silently nod. “He knows…”

Roger held his breath and stepped aside slowly.

 

________________

 

“Did you flee?”

Leo held on to one of the wooden posts now too. He looked exhausted and sweaty, but pretty lucid compared to what he had been when Carmen saw him the last time.
And still…

Carmen lowered his eyes instantly.
This felt different. Suddenly, being close to him felt different. Even being adressed like this felt so far away from what it always had been, it was hard to bear.
Or maybe it was his head playing this trick on him. The difference was even harder to make out. Had this changed anything?

Hell yes, it had changed everything. And immediately he wondered whether Leo felt this way too or not, but obviously he was trying to talk right now.

“Out of the window?” Leo asked again and with the look Carmen gave him, he pointed towards the huge window of the storerroom in his back, which stood wide open and the curtains were softly moving in the slight breeze like a ghost disguising whatever deed had happened there.

Carmen jeered, rubbing over his face once, but kept staring at a flower pot next to him while stemming his arms to his hips.
“Why would I flee?” He asked with a voice so shy and insecure, even he was alarmed by the sound of it.

“You tell me!” Leo spoke calmly.

Again, Carmen jeered, now lifting his head and finding Leo still staring at him.

“How is your arm?” he asked.

“It hurts,” Leo was unemotional as never before. A state that almost gave Carmen goosebumps. Never before had he seen him like this.

“So why,” Carmen harrumphed once. “Why are you even here?”

“I wanted to talk to you,” Leo answered so straight away without making a face.

Carmen jeered again, looking at his feet once more. He closed his eyes for a second and stroked through his hair, tousling it even more doing so. But then, he started to nod and bid his lips.

“Yeah,” he answered then before lifting his head again. “Yeah, I think we should talk.”

“I… I wanted to know…,” Leo started again, but suddenly didn’t sound as conviced anymore. He turned to look over his shoulder as if he was afraid Max and Roger were running towards him any second. A clear sign he was dealing with a bad conscience too. A fact which kind of relieved Carmen, yet at the same time worried him to death again the very next second.

But then, Leo even smashed this bit in an instance.

“I wanted to know… what has happened after you’ve told me to relax?”

Carmen eyes widened and his head shot up.

His face must have looked so unbelieving, Leo was innitially shocked and stepped back a little.

“I… I mean,” he stuttered, lifting his hands in defense, as if he was afraid Carmen would jump at him any second now. “I… I know…”

“Is this serious?” Carmen interrupted him. “Are you being serious?”

“I know what happened,” Leo tried to calm him obviously. “I know..what I did there… I just…”

“You’ve almost chopped your arm off,” Carmen could feel his breath becoming faster again; the pictures of this clealy in front of his eyes again.

“I know that, ok?” Leo whirled around, his voice becoming louder. “I just… I don’t know how everything led to this… anymore…”

Carmen stared at him for a moment; his jaw dropping a little with each inhale. Leo could see his chest rising and falling more and more, which meant he was pretty close to freaking out. Something he had never witnessed in him before. And why did this made him feel satisfied right now? He shouldn’t feel like this, but it was there. He felt it creeping up again. And with that, he knew his hands were starting to shake again.
So, quickly, he hid his hands behind his back and cleared his throat.

“I… I know it was a hell of a night and I wanted to apologize for causing this mess,” he said, looking at his friend now like a beaten puppy. “I probably messed up a lot of your night too. But… Carmen, please! I… I need to…”

“You cannot mean this,” Carmen interrupted him, shaking his head in disbelief. Then he jeered again, and rubbed his eyes with one hand while turning away from him. “You freaking cannot mean this!”

“Something has happened,” Leo yelled at him. If only he’d listen. “Something… bad. Something… I fear something between us… I can see it. In the way you’re behaving. In the way you won’t look at me anymore… Please. I need to know.”

Again, Carmen only shook his head, clenching his teeth.

Leo took a deep breath seeing it.

They were friends. They always had been able to talk. He couldn’t have ruined this now too.

“Please, don’t do this to me,” he started, but felt his voice becoming insecure as well. And he felt that lump in his throat appearing again. As well as his sight getting blurry from the tears rising in his eyes. “Please, not you too.”

“Leo…,” Carmen sighed and at long last opened his eyes again. But still he wouldn’t look at him.

“You were always the one I could talk to,” Leo sobbed now. “Please, don’t do this to me. Please don’t become like all of them!”

“Do this to YOU?”

There it was. That look at him Leo had been hoping for. But the compassion he was used to was nowhere to be found. Carmen looked different. Never before had he given him a look like this. So full of doubt. So much like a stranger was begging him for something. So much like… Like he couldn’t bear standing next to him.
Just like all the others.
Like Max.
Like Roger.
Like Everyone.

“You promised!” Leo cried now, feeling his knees getting weaker and almost sinking to the ground. “You’ve said you wouldn’t let me down. You’ve said you wouldn’t turn on me too. And yet…”

“Yeah? You never mentioned I’m dealing with something as strange here either,” Carmen whirled around now. He was angry now too and Leo not only felt it but heard it in his raised voice as well. “You cannot expect me to carry this! Not this too!”

“What do you mean?” Leo whispered, his eyes wide in shock.

“Oh my God,” Carmen looked close to tears now too, not believing what he heard there. And again, he shook his head, but this time he didn’t leave Leo out of sight. “Leo… This is… We should have gotten you checked that day!”

“YOU’RE SAYING I’M INSANE NOW?” Leo screamed suddenly at the top of his voice. “YOU’RE ALSO SAYING I’M A NUTCASE NOW?”

“No, I’m saying this ain’t normal!” Carmen yelled back. “WHAT HAPPENED AIN’T NORMAL! AND THIS IS SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF ME, LEO!”

“SO WHAT HAPPENED? TELL ME!”

“HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW?” Carmen fired back. Tears were falling down his face now too, but Leo didn’t understand a word of what he was implying here. “How can you not remember? How can you stick to everything being okay with you when it clearly isn’t? How … Who? Who the hell am I talking to right now?”

“What? What are you talking about?” Leo stepped forward a bit and tried to touch his friends’ shoulder; trying hard to get that former proximity back somehow.

He didn’t expect Carmen to jump back as if stung by an adder though. And somehow, somewhere in the back of his mind this seemed familiar to him. Something he had experienced before. Only he couldn’t have… Or could he?

“DON’T TOUCH ME,” Carmen screamed with a strength, the whole house must have heard this, and slapped away Leo’s hands.

Leo didn’t move for a moment. His jaw dropped. And now he knew for certain. Something wasn’t right. Something had changed.
He had lost his friend here…

But Carmen shook his head again, turning his face away once more.

“This is not real,” he whispered, but Leo wasn’t sure if this was meant for him or not. And again, he wiped over his face, as if he could eliminate whatever things burned into his memory right now. “Leo, this… This is destroying things. Things I don’t wanna lose. Things I cannot carry… This is… Bigger than me!”

“Carmen…don’t,” Leo sobbed instantly, but his voice broke.

And it managed at least for Carmen to look at him again. But his eyes were desperate. He bid his lip and sniffed once, before shaking his head again.

And as his eyes locked on Leo, he spoke the words Leo was sure he wouldn’t forget:

“We… we can’t be friends anymore…”

 

~ To Be Continued ~