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careful what you say, you might have hell to pay

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Clown always managed to find himself staring at Sid, and it wasn't innocent in the least. He couldn't understand it, but something about the DJ seemed to pull him in. It didn't help that Sid wasn't in the best health at the moment, the others had been bustling around him and found the best doctor nearby. Clown hadn't approached Sid alone, he was afraid of what he might do; he knew Sid loved him, but it was never in the way Clown dreamed of, Sid always searched him out in need of a friend, a brother--A father. He wanted Sid so much, it scared him, he'd never felt this way before.

Right now, the moment was calm with Sid asleep, so Clown felt like he could daydream just a little. The rest of the band were out and Clown had offered to stay behind since he was rooming with Sid; he hoped that Sid would get better soon, it didn't feel right seeing the DJ so mellowed out. A cough brought Clown's mind crashing back to reality, his daydream shattered; after all, he was still married, he shouldn't be thinking like that. Sid slowly sat up and stretched, letting out a small yawn, he rubbed his eyes and looked around the room, his eyes settling on Clown, oblivious to the staring, "Hey Shawn."

Clown swallowed, his throat suddenly dry, "Hey," He hoped his voice didn't falter; his eyes almost flickered to Sid's naked torso, "How are you feeling?"

"Just a little pain, but I'm feeling better than yesterday."

Clown couldn't help but smile, he really wanted Sid to be back to normal, bouncing around the bus like a loose cannon, "Do you need anything?"

Sid blinked, a little unsure if Clown was really smiling at him like that, like he was relieved; he shook off the feeling, putting it down to Clown wanting to cheer him up, something he always seemed good at, "No, thank you." Sid smiled. Just stay over there, I'll be fine. The words ran through his brain, sometimes it felt like torture; he knew the extent of his feelings would never be returned, Clown was like a father-figure and had always treated Sid like a brother, the same way he treated everyone in the band. Sid knew it was beyond wrong, Clown was married, and it was strange to be in love with a person who treated you as their child. It was sick--wrong, but Sid couldn't help himself, his feelings had blossomed long ago and he kept them safely under wraps, so no-one knew. Especially not Clown, he could never know the truth.

"Well if you're sure," Clown's voice broke Sid's train of thought and he nodded, "I'm going to get some rest," He stood up from the chair and took the other bed, "Wake me if you need something, or if you feel worse again."

"Yeah, okay," Sid laid back down, he still felt a little tired anyway; it was one of the reasons why he hated being sick, it felt like he slept non-stop. He rolled onto his side, watching Clown get comfortable in the bed, he seemed to doze off rather quickly and Sid found himself smiling; his thoughts from earlier returned, tenfold. He could vividly see himself walking over to Clown, massaging strong muscles under his hands, sliding them closer and closer to a specific goal; his hand slid down, palming softly over the bulge in his boxers, his breath hitching at the initial contact. It had been a while since Sid had touched himself and with Clown plaguing his thoughts, it only felt better and his breathing became heavier, imagining that it was Clown touching him as he slid a hand into his boxers, wrapping long fingers around his length.

Sid turned away from the object in his thoughts, just in case Clown woke and caught him staring; he turned his face into his pillow as he jerked himself off, trying to keep his noises as quiet as possible, muffled by the pillow. In the other bed, Clown found that he couldn't get to sleep, he turned to Sid who looked comfortable wrapped in the covers, probably fast asleep; then, almost like Clown's mind was play tricks, Sid whimpered. He held his breath, listening to the soft moans that came from Sid and he was sure he heard a muffled, Shawn. It made Clown's heart fly into his throat, pounding heavily with the thought that Sid was jerking off, to him.

"Sid?" Sid reluctantly stopped his hand, almost whimpering, "What the fuck?"

Sid rolled, his hair spilled across the pillow and Clown had to swallow at the sight; their eyes locked and Sid gave his cock a squeeze, grunting softly at the sensation, "I-I'm sorry," He couldn't stop now, the pull was too great and his strokes quickened, his entire body felt warm, basking in the way Clown hadn't turned away...Didn't look disgusted by the realisation of what Sid was doing. Sid's eyes closed, his head tipping back as he groaned from the sensation of touching himself, Clown's name spilling from his lips with each tug; Clown felt his own cock responding, overwhelmed by the way Sid called his name. Then Sid gasped, biting his lip as he came, spilling into his boxers; he panted and curled into a ball, his body shaking, "Please...Please don't hate me."

"Sid," Sid opened his eyes, his jaw dropping when he saw the straining of Clown's pants, "Then you can't hate me either," Clown cupped himself and Sid had to swallow, he found himself climbing out of bed, drawn to Clown; he dipped down and their lips touched, Sid's hands quickly loosening Clown's pants. Their kiss broke when Clown stood to shrug off the fabric, his boxers following and once he was sat again, Sid sunk to his knees, wrapping his fingers around Clown's length, "Sid, I need you...I want you," The words sent Sid's stomach flipping, his heart racing in his chest; he jerked Clown's length slowly, listening to the older-man groan. He leaned forward, pressing his tongue against the tip before closing his lips around it and giving a little suck, Clown gripped the edge of the bed, groaning softly at the sensation; Sid found his confidence build, he slowly began bobbing his head, using his hand to jerk the base of Clown's length.

The rhythm built up and Clown watched Sid's head move, he grunted when Sid's tongue ran along the underside of his cock; Sid enjoyed every second of sucking Clown off like this, listening to each groan and grunt in response to the way Sid used his tongue. He pressed it against the frenulum, massaging for a moment before returning to the pace of bobbing his head, his cheeks hollowed with the motion and he glided his tongue easily along the underside; Clown grunted above him, a hand threaded through Sid's hair and when Sid pressed his tongue against the frenulum again, flicking upward to the tip, Clown swore under his breath, gripping tightly onto Sid's hair.

"Oh shit, Sid," Sid's free hand held Clown's knee, working his other hand in time with the pace of his bobbing head; Clown's fingers seemed to dig further into Sid's hair and he groaned loudly, "Sid...Sid," Cum splattered onto Sid's tongue, into his mouth and he swallowed it all, gently licking Clown's cock clean as he pulled away, "Fuck..."

"Shawn," Clown looked down at Sid, brow's raised, "Don't tell, I love you." His voice was soft and it made Clown's face feel a little hot, flushing with a blush; he helped Sid up and to the bathroom so he could clean up. Sid hung his head, he wished he hadn't said anything to Clown about how he felt, the silence between them was deafening, only the running water filled the room.

"Sid, I love you too. But we can't do this." Sid nodded, he felt guilty for giving into his desires, and he could only imagine how guilty Clown must have felt.


Sid tried to forget, but those three words that Clown had spoken were etched into his brain and he couldn't let them go; if it felt like torture before, to have Clown plaguing his thoughts, then this must be hell. Clown hadn't shared a room with him since that night, he always seemed to find a way to pair with anyone else and it hurt Sid, because he was stupid and naive enough to believe that Clown would be with him. The tour continued as normal too, Sid stole glances at Clown when he could and he didn't care when Clown would catch him. The last day of the tour brought around a chance for Sid to catch Clown alone, in the confines of the tour bus, where the band would be celebrating another successful tour. He played his heart out during the show, he bounced around the stage with an over abundance of energy; after the show, they showered and changed before heading back to the bus. Most of the band filtered into the lounge, breaking out a few beers; Sid found Clown in the bunks, digging into his bag, "Shawn, can we talk?"

"You're the one who asked me not to tell, so I haven't and you shouldn't either."

Sid felt anger rush through him and he punched the wall, "I can't pretend that you didn't say that to me, it's too hard.

"It was in the moment, you said it first," Clown muttered; it pained him to say it, but the situation was at the point of something blowing up, he'd rather it be Sid than his marriage. Because he was happy, and he loved his children, he'd chalked Sid down to a moment of weakness and tried not to feel sick at the thought of how much he loved Sid, "Don't be delusional." Then he pushed past Sid, phone in-hand, and Sid was left there, feeling dumbstruck and hurt. He couldn't face joining the rest of the band, so he slumped into his bunk and tried not to cry.


Clown still couldn't forgive himself for what he had said to Sid and being back at home with Chantel just reminded him of his betrayal, of her trust and of Sid's feelings, he found himself sitting her down and confessing, she'd took it easier than he'd expected; she even held him as he fell apart, "I love you Shawn and I know you love me, I can't bare to see you so unhappy. If he gives you that, then you should take it."

"Chantel...The kids, I can't do that."

"They're more than old enough to understand, our relationship hasn't been the best lately and I know you've been trying hard to work through it, so have I. but there comes a point when you'll realise that it's not worth it. We're fighting a lost cause."

"I love you."

"I love you too."


Clown had spent over a month trying to contact Sid, who had seemingly erased himself from Clown's life; the band headed out for the second-leg of their tour and Clown had yet to get Sid alone. The rooms had already been organised and Clown felt a little bristled by the fact that Sid had opted to room with Corey, before Clown had even woken, he hadn't caught Corey yet and Sid was still avoiding him too.

He'd finally caught Corey outside having a smoke and it hadn't took much convincing to switch rooms with Corey, Clown had said there was an opportunity that he wanted to discuss with Sid, but hadn't had chance to get him alone; it didn't seem to matter, Corey seemed all too eager to switch. So they moved their luggage and Corey happily handed the room-key over to Clown. The show had felt longer than normal, almost like time was teasing him. After it ended, he waited in the room for what felt like hours before Sid stumbled through the door, smelling of beer, "Fuck do you want? Where's Corey?"

"We switched."

"I'd rather sleep in the hall."

"Sid, wait!" Clown stood up and quickly crossed the distance of the room, he easily pressed Sid to the door, lifting him so his feet were dangling in the air, "She let me go, because I love you. She wants me--us to be happy."

"You told me that I was delusional, that you didn't feel the same," Clown sighed, he knew it was a mistake and he'd regretted it the moment he walked away from Sid, "I don't want to keep it a secret. I love you, so much. At first, I thought it was because you were like a second father, you were always watching out for me and I really appreciated it. Then I found myself staring...Wanting you in a way that made me feel sick at first, because you always looked at me and treated me like a child. It made me feel disgusted, I kept asking how--why I loved you. I wanted things to stay the same between us, lie to myself that my heart was playing tricks on me, that my body reacted against my will. But it didn't matter, nothing changed and I still loved you through it all. I'd hoped that night together would have changed things, when your body reacted the same way mine did, it made me hopeful that it wasn't wrong, and then you told me how you felt. Then you asked me to forget it all, as if it was some kind of dream that I could let go of."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Sid, I wanted everything to go back, I didn't want to lose Chantel. Instead, I pushed you away, hoping that I could forget how I feel. Still, as much as I love her, I love you so much more, and she forgave me like it wasn't an issue, like I hadn't cheated on her. I hated it, because I didn't want to drag you into it either," Clown took a breath; Sid smiled, and it made Clown's heart jump, "I won't let you go, I won't."

"Shawn," Sid brought his hand up, cupping Clown's cheek; he curled his legs around Clown's waist, holding tight so he knew that this was real; he'd dreamed so many times that Clown would hold him close, apologise and repeat those three words that had Sid's heart hammering in his chest, "I love you."

The words were muttered, but Clown could hear them clearly, "I love you too." And Sid buried his head into Clown's neck, repeating the words like a mantra; Clown carried him over to the bed, silently cursing the fact that he felt a little old to be doing this. It seemed like, somehow, Sid's energy had seeped into him; they curled into each other on the mattress, Clown's fingers running through Sid's hair. He knew that they were going to face more problems, questions from the band were bound to drive them insane; but Clown felt like he could face anything, as long as Sid stayed at his side.