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I Wish You Could Feel When I Touch You

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Ronan was having a day. Someone else might have called it a ‘bad’ day, but Ronan has had so many that to him they had just become ‘days’. 


Part of him felt guilty for exposing Gansey to his sour moods, so he locked himself away in his room. Days like these used to be when he would go out and find Kavinsky, but he was trying to kick that habit. It might just be Ronan’s wishful thinking, but he thought Adam might be looking at him more these days. And if Adam was willing to give him a shot, Ronan wanted to be worthy of him. 


Ronan took out his phone and undid his pants. It was the only thing he could think of to help him calm down while staying out of trouble. He skipped right past all the vanilla videos and right to the good stuff. 


One day, he should maybe figure out why he got so turned on watching guys get tied up and abused by other men, but today he didn’t care. He knew what he needed. 


The dominating man wrapped his hand around the other guy’s neck. Ronan’s dick twitched in his hand. The guy in the video struggled to breathe. Ronan wished there was a hand around his throat right now. 


Kavinsky would probably do that for him… Ronan quickly shook the thought away. Then he thought of Adam’s hands. He already had so many fantasies of Adam’s hands doing things to him, now he had one more. It didn’t matter that Adam would probably never do it. Just the image was enough to push Ronan over the edge. The rest of the video was forgotten. 



Ronan was having another day. But this one was worse. Everything just felt too much. He needed more than a masterbation session. He needed sex. He needed to be used. He needed to feel something. 


He slammed his bedroom door closed. He grabbed the handle of the drawer where he used to keep things that would hurt him. He didn’t have them anymore. He yanked the drawer out of the desk and let it fly across the room. Then he shoved everything off the top of his desk for good measure. Then he fell face-first onto his bed. He buried his face in his pillows. Maybe he could suffocate himself. No, that never worked. There was someone in his room. The door hadn’t opened. Noah


“Close your eyes.”


Ronan turned his head to speak to Noah. “Closing my eyes and taking taking deep breaths isn’t going to fucking help me.”


Noah didn’t seemed bothered by Ronan’s mood. He never did. “I wasn’t going to tell you to take deep breaths.”




“Roll over.”


Ronan scoffed as he rolled into his back. “What are you gunna do, blow me?”


“You wouldn’t feel it if I did. You never do.”


Ronan couldn’t tell if Noah was making a joke or not. 


“Close your eyes.”


Ronan did. Suddenly, his right hand felt numb. He was aware of it moving, so he didn’t jump when he touched his own neck. His hand was so cold.


“Noah? What are you doing?”




Ronan felt his hand close around his throat. It felt weird doing it to himself, but he wasn’t really doing it, was he? Noah was doing it… right?


“Harder, Ronan.”


Ronan squeezed harder. It only hurt a little, but it was good. He could still breathe, so he tried to apply more pressure. He coughed but he held it until he felt his eyes water. He held it until he couldn’t anymore. He sat up while he filled his lungs. Noah was still there. 


“Why did you do that?” Ronan asked. His voice sounded so rough… he loved it. 


Noah shrugged. “Because I knew you’d like it.”


Ronan coughed again. “Didn’t take you as a Dominant person.”


“I just wanted to help.”


Ronan could count a handful of people who ‘just wanted to help’ but none of them had done anything like what Noah just did. 




Noah appeared on his back on the bed beside Ronan. Ronan positioned his pillow so that he felt like he was lying on Noah’s stomach. 


“I wish I could feel when you touch me.” Ronan said. 


“Me too.” Noah agreed.


Ronan felt a cool breeze on his head. The hair on the back of his neck stood up. He liked to imagine Noah was running his hand over his head when that happened. 


“Can we watch some porn now?” Noah asked. 


Ronan smiled to himself. “Sure.”