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Ancient Alternian History

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The beginning

 

So, you wish to know more about them? The unwitting slaves and (for the most part) ignorant pawns that I allow to exist for the sole reason that they will one day aid in the begetting of my master in this continuum? You want to know how they evolved as a kind? How they crawled from the deepest cracks and crevices of their murderous planet into the moonlight like the wretched maggots that they pretend that they aren’t?

I do apologize for my harsh words on the subject. When you have been watching them as long as I have, been guiding them in oh so subtle ways and pointing them in the right direction (in relation to my own ends) just so that they believe that it was their idea all along to go in that direction, you would hold a certain amount of disdain for them as well. Not to say that they don’t surprise you in ways that, at first, seem redeemable and make them look like something greater than more meat to throw into the grinder that is Paradox Space. They grow on you the same way that they irritate you.

Anyhow, I do believe that I have become sidetracked. Rather than letting you see their story for yourself, you will just have to settle for my point of view on the matter. And while I never lie, of course, (why would I when all of this has already been said and done?) I still can’t risk a certain “Windy Boi” seeing this and preempting certain events that could lead to a less than favorable outcome (for me and my master, that is). So you will simply have to deal with the occasional omission. “But a lie of omission is still a lie!” I can hear you already saying with my non existent ears, to which I reply “What makes you think that you are entitled to this information in the first place? Remember, I am telling this to you because I am in a particularly generous mood at the moment.

So don’t push your luck. You will take the bits and pieces that I give you and, in turn, you will be grateful.”

Now that that is out of the way, where would you like to begin? I ask this question as a courtesy, of course, because the obvious answer is the “Beginning”. I place that already dubious word in quotations because where can one find a beginning in Paradox Space? So in this temporal context, the beginning shall be the beginning of Troll culture. This point will have to do, unless you want me to go into excruciating evolutionary detail about the first seeds sprouting from Alternia’s spiteful soil, or how the aforementioned maggots climed from the guts of her vast underground caverns to gaze upon the stars in astonishment, only to be burned away by The Sun.

As you can guess, the brutality of Alternia’s harsh climate, crushing gravity, and brutal life forms will breed a people who hold strength, power, and durability at a premium. As you can also guess (if you are familiar to evolutionary theory) they all share a common ancestor. This common ancestor would be what the Trolls call the Mother Grub. The mother of all other castes would be the Mothers of all Trollkind: the Jade Bloods.

From the caverns they crawled. Onto the surface they explored. And as a people shape the land over the course of a few measly centuries, the land shapes a people over the course of countless (countless for most people who aren’t me, that is) millennia.

With the possibly obvious exception of yours truly, there is no such thing as a perfect organism. There cannot naturally be a “one size fits all” species. If there is a species that “grows up” in the forest, then the environmental pressures of that environment will forge that species into an organism that is “perfect” for a forest setting. So when you take that forest creature and place it in a desert environment, it will most definitely die in a short while. Keep in mind that I used the word “naturally”. I do not mean to insinuate that most of the traits that the Trolls developed are in anyway natural. Most of them only have such spectacular abilities because those are simply the only abilities that would stick when I threw them at their genetic code, so to speak.

Such as the ability to contact the spirits of the dead, for example. What environmental pressure would promote such an ability? Obviously, it would be beneficial to raise a dead Troll’s spirit and ask how it died so that you may avoid the same fate, but how did it get there in the first place? I’m sure that the Burgundy Trolls have their myths about a divine being granting them the ability at the behest of their departed ancestors so that they may learn from the mistakes of ages past, but no, twas only me. You would be surprised how close their souls already were to the energies that permeate the matters of life and death. All they needed was a little push.

Now, let me assure you: not all of the Troll’s magnificent abilities are a result of my meddling. The ridiculous strength held by the Indigo Bloods? Purely a result of spending their lives hollowing out mountains, moving stone, swinging hammers, and building. If a group of people did these things for hundreds (or even thousands) of generations, you will doubtlessly see a marked increase in their overall physical strength.

Ah, I seem to be running short on time at the moment. If you’d like, you may come back another time for a more in- depth review of these stories. Perhaps I shall share them to you the same way I shared their current military roles? Yes, I think that would be fitting. The Burgundy caste shall be our next topic of lecture. Now, if you will excuse me, I must show someone a certain webcomic.

Until next time.