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When I Look At You

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Did I create a dream?

Was he a fantasy?

Even a memory is paradise for all the fools like me

Now, remembering is all that I can do

Because I miss him so when I look at you

 

~ “When I Look At You” from The Scarlet Pimpernel


[Username: Aegis]

[Access Code: *****O]

[Retrieve: Journal]

[Order: Prepare new entry]

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[Date: December 2nd, 2012]

While walking downtown, Labrys tripped going down a flight of stairs. This does not affect us as androids since we are unable to feel pain, let alone be dented by falling onto concrete from a short distance. Such things impede our ability to perform our given functions and are a hindrance on the battlefield.

But today, she yelled a curse word when she fell. 

I have come to the conclusion that Labrys has something Mitsuru calls “anger issues.” She has used this phrase often to describe Akihiko-san or Yukari, especially when put under immense pressure to work with others.

I hope that my sister does not have “anger issues” but I was somewhat entertained by the event. I even made a joke that her feet must be tied together.

It is something that [Name Redacted] would have said, but funnier. He always had something funny to say about the plight of others, but in a way that was not malicious. I will need to find a few phrases in my memory storage and use those.

[Determination: "I have an odd sense of humor."]


[Order: Prepare new entry]

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[Date: January 12th, 2013]

The successor to the Wild Card, Yu Narukami, stopped in the lab for his bi-annual meeting with the Shadow Operatives.

He and I have been discussing what he wishes to do now that his own team has disbanded. Now that he has graduated high school and taken a few months off to think, he will be moving back to Inaba and attending the nearby police academy. From there, he plans to work with his uncle to become a detective. Apparently, his time as a Persona user greatly influenced his decision to pursue a career in law enforcement.

Chie Satonaka has expressed great joy in Narukami’s choice, possibly because she has chosen the same route. Naoto Shirogane, already a private investigator, seemed exasperated by the news for some reason.

It made me wonder what [Name Redacted] would have become if he had grown up.

Fuuka said once that he was interested in becoming a doctor. His grades were always quite high and, despite the hatred of certain individuals, he cared deeply for healing others. He also had a nice voice and loved music. Could [Name Redacted] become a professional singer or musician?

[Determination: "Whatever he would have decided to do with his life, he would be very good at it."]


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[Date: February 14th, 2013]

Today is Valentine’s Day.

Yukari invited me over to make chocolates for someone she loves but never had the courage to tell. She plans to give the chocolates as a gift and confessing her feelings. Junpei-kun joined us later to make his own chocolates for Chidori. He called it a “break in tradition” and laughed when Yukari called him names.

Just because Mitsuru does not read these personal journals, I can say Yukari is in love with Mitsuru.

Fuuka was the last to join in on the fun. She has no one in mind to gift her chocolates to, but she plans on giving them to an old friend named Natsuki.

I wish them all the best.

Love is a funny emotion. To care for another so deeply, you share a bond that cannot be broken.

Do I feel that way for [Name Redacted], even after all these years?

[Determination: "Yes, I do love him."]


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[Date: February 19th, 2013]

Minako was very sad today.

I wanted to speak to her about a new feeling I had, so I called ahead and went to her apartment after finishing a report for Mitsuru. The trains were delayed by ten minutes but I got to the building by our designated time.

When I got there, she was crying.

I asked her what was wrong because that is what friends do to comfort each other.

According to Minako, today is the day she and her brother sent in their scholarship requests to Gekkoukan High School. One school year later, they were accepted as students. She still had a copy of the applications laying around in an old folder and, when she found them, she started to weep.

I asked what was so sad about that.

According to Minako, if they had not done sent in those requests, they would have never met everyone in SEES.

I asked if that was a bad thing.

According to Minako, it is not bad. It is only bittersweet.

I stayed with Minako, even if I could not understand why she was still crying until Akihiko-san returned from school. He promised to look after her and sent me back to the lab.

When I asked him if he could explain why Minako was crying, he said that is what happens when you lose someone you love. Anything that reminds you of that person can either be a pleasant reminder or it can remind you that they are gone.

[Determination: "My heart hurts thinking about him."]


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[Date: March 5th, 2013]

Three years ago, I witnessed [Name Redacted]’s death. He fell asleep in my arms and never woke up again.

For today, we will visit his grave and remember what the cost of our victory of Nyx. Not everyone will be there at the same time but I know that they will go. I always stand vigil all day, every year, without fail. Mitsuru does not stop me from doing so.

I know he will never return but that does not stop me from being loyal to his memory.

A few days from now, the old members of SEES will gather to celebrate our victory over Nyx.

[Determination: "I see no reason in celebration if he is not here to join in the fun."]


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[Date: April 13th, 2013]

Koromaru’s funeral was today. He died peacefully in his sleep the night before and was cremated with honors.

Ken asked me an odd question once we received the urn with Koromaru’s ashes.

Do I wish I could cry?

I wanted to say no. Grief is an emotion I hate, it is ugly and makes me want to scream.

If crying is an expression of grief I would rather not have the ability to cry.

However, Ken was mourning for the first time since [Name Redacted]’s death. I did not want to further his pain by giving a logical answer. It was something I learned years ago: human emotions are more complicated than I could ever hope to understand. I must give the answer he needed to hear.

After all, he had lost someone he loved.

I said yes.

[Determination: "I hope that Koromaru and he are reunited."]


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[Date: May 27th, 2013]

I accidentally walked in on a private conversation between Mitsuru and Akihiko-san. I wanted to get an authorization on training the new recruits that came in last week, but I left with more information than I initially wanted.

As it turns out, Akihiko-san was asking Mitsuru to help to choose an engagement ring for Minako.

I know the implications of which he spoke. He intends to ask Minako to marry him.

[Name Redacted] often said he would rather “choke on his own tongue and die before he lets that caveman so much as date his sister.” I can only imagine how angry he must be now that the two are living together, eating together, sleeping together.

I would like to note that I mean “sleeping” as in the actual sleeping, not the one Junpei often teases them about.

I know Minako has been quite lonely ever since [Name Redacted] passed away and her other relatives did not contribute to his funeral. Not to mention her and Akihiko-san’s long-distance relationship after they graduated, two years apart and the only contact between them were phone calls at odd hours. It would crush me if the one I spent my entire life with left without warning.

Though I miss [Name Redacted] too, I am thankful I found Labrys. I have someone who understands my loneliness and gives me a chance to have a family of my own.

Minako will soon be able to call someone her’s once again.

[Determination: "I will beat up Akihiko-san in [Name Redacted]’s place if anything happens to Minako."]


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[Date: July 9th, 2013]

Junpei and I had a very enlightening conversation today.

I asked him if he thought I was more machine than human.

Junpei asked me if I liked anything.

I was confused but I said I do.

Then, Junpei told me to list every single one. Each thing is a blessing that I must treasure every day and a reminder that I am alive.

 

  • Walking with Koromaru’s decedents
  • Running missions with Labrys
  • Making battle plans with Mitsuru
  • Cooking with Fuuka
  • Sparring sessions with Akihiko
  • Shopping with Yukari
  • Playing chess with Ken
  • Hitting the batting cages with Junpei
  • Listening to Minako
  • [Name Redacted]

 

[Determination: "I need to be more thankful for the things I have now."]


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[Date: October 4th, 2013]

Shinjiro Aragaki died on this day.

I wonder if [Name Redacted] and Koromaru were happy to see him again.

[Determination: "The memories of him are growing stronger."]


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[Date: November 23rd, 2013]

Minako’s birthday was yesterday. It was the third year in a row that she will celebrate it without her little brother.

. . .

I do not know why, but I have reread these journal logs and found that [Name Redacted] does no register. Each time I try to write his name, it comes out wrong or censored.

I think it is time for me to fix that.

[Determination: "I must not dwell anymore."]


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[Date: January 1st, 2014]

Minato Arisato.

His name was Minato Arisato.

I am sad that he is gone.

I feel like I cannot move on an yet, I have all on my own.

Now that another year has come and gone, I decided to make a resolution.

I will continue to write in these journals and remember him the only way I know how.

I will go forward to honor the memory of the one I love more than myself.

[Determination: "I am ready for the New Year and I hope Minato is watching me."]


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[Date: March 5th, 2014]

Minako had confided in me about something that happened.

At first, I thought it was bad news because she was crying. I was prepared to comfort her and tell her that Minato will always be in our hearts. I refused to let her feel alone or sad or regretful of his sacrifice.

I jumped to conclusions. She was not crying because of Minato.

She wanted to tell me she was pregnant.

[Determination: ". . ."]

[Question: "Should I eliminate Akihiko Sanada in Minato’s place?"]


[Order: Prepare new entry]

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[Date: March 6th, 2014]

Mitsuru told me not to kill Akihiko.

I do not believe it is what Minato would have wanted and I still think I should carry out his wishes in his place. However, I must make that choice for myself.

I love Minato, but I also know that it is better this way.

[Determination: "I will continue to protect Minako."]

[Question: "Will Minato continue to watch over me?"]