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The One Where Peter Creates An Avengers Group Chat And No-one Knows What Is Going On

Chapter Text


Peter added Ironman and Steve Rogers to the group: Avengers Group Chat


Peter is online


Peter: Hi!!!! Thought I’d make a chat because things in the compound have been a bit tense since Germany and we all agreed (everyone at the compound – and me bc I stay over all the time) that ya’ll need to sort your shit out and also it’s easier to communicate this way😊


Ironman is online


Ironman: Kid what the fuck is this


Ironman has left the chat (15.45)

Ironman has been added to the chat (15.45)

Ironman has left the chat (15.46)

Ironman has been added to the chat (15.46)




Ironman: I hate you. Let me out. NOW PARKER.

Peter: No-one is leaving until everyone’s shit is sorted out Mr Stark that’s the golden rule

Ironman: I will come over to your bedroom and throw you out of the window and take your suit. LET. ME. LEAVE.

Ironman: Kid I swear to god


Steve Rogers is online


Steve Rogers: Hello? What is this?

Steve Rogers: I’ve just read the previous messages – I don’t think that this is a good idea.

Ironman: Can’t believe I’m saying this but I agree with Spangles



Steve Rogers: Hi Son. Just call me Steve, Peter, we’ve been over this.

Ironman: Let. Me. Leave. Parker.

Peter: Alright I’m going now have fun guyssss ok byeeeee



Peter is offline


Ironman: That absolute little shit

Ironman: Oh for fucks sake.

Steve Rogers: Language Tony

Ironman: … whatever Spangles. So let’s just get to it then. I hate you and you hate me. Stay out my way and I’ll stay away from you.

Steve Rogers: I don’t hate you Tony, I just hate what happened and that for some reason we can’t move past it, I thought moving back to the compound would help, but I barely see you and when I do, you leave as soon as you can. I’m willing to try and patch things up again. I miss your company.

Ironman: Look. We have barely spoken since you all moved back in. It’s been 8 months. What happened in Siberia is in the past, I’ve moved on and I know you have too. I’m not gonna be all pally with you again, not maybe like we were again, but I’m willing to be civil and to try and get on like a team again. I’ve let you all back in the compound – even Barnes, let’s just move on.

Steve Rogers: I know Tony, I can’t thank you enough. We are all your family and we need each other.

Ironman: Shit that wasn’t what I thought you were going to say.

Steve Rogers: Tony, I really am sorry.

Ironman: Ditto

Ironman: This is awkward. Where’s the Kid

Steve Rogers: Can we leave the chat now then?

Ironman: I have a feeling that the Kid has other ideas

Steve Rogers: Just what I wanted to hear.


Peter is online


Steve Rogers: Hi Peter😊

Peter: Mr Steve sent me an emoji omg I’m DED. Did you guys make up?????? Hang on lemme see I’ll scroll uppppp brb

Steve Rogers: Can I leave the chat now Peter? I’m meeting Sam in an hour and want to do some training beforehand. What is ‘brb’

Ironman: It means Be Right Back and I swear to God he better be.

Peter: Not good enuf making up dudessss

Ironman: Are you shitting me Kid

Peter: Not AT ALL Mr Stark, I think u guys need like a bonding activity to just make sure that you won’t hurt each other in person

Steve Rogers: Peter why don’t you type in proper sentences? Also, what are you suggesting?

Peter: Bc I’m a kid Mr Steve #coolkidz also hang on

Steve Rogers: Ok. Please remove me from this group now.


Peter added WarMachineRockz, Hawkeye, Nat, Scarlett Bitch and Falcon107 to the group: Avengers Group Chat    (16.32)


Nat is online

WarMachineRockz is online



Nat: What is this?

Peter: A group chat for all us #coolkidz to bond. Also HI NAT <3 XX

Nat: Hi маленький паук xxx

Peter: Oh My GOD WAIT


Peter changed his name to LittleSpider

LittleSpider changed the name Nat to MamaSpider


MamaSpider: AWH I love it Peter, thank you маленький паук <3 <3 <3 <3 xxx

LittleSpider: You’re welcome!!!!! Xx

Ironman: Stop being adorable to the murderous assassin Peter and let me leave.

WarMachineRockz: Peter change my name NOW.


LittleSpider changed the name WarMachineRockz to Rhodey


Rhodey: Better.


LittleSpider: Mr Steve sir do you want your name changed bc I think it’s a lil bit too long😊

Steve Rogers: Peter please just call me Steve also yes, but make it good😊

Ironman: It’s the best you’ll get Cap. I’ve known him for literally almost a year and he refuses to call me by my first name, yet Natasha is now his apparently his fucking spidermom and he calls her Auntie Nat in person all the time -_-


LittleSpider changed the name Steve Rogers to America’s Ass


Ironman: OMFG

MamaSpider: hahaha

America’s Ass: Can’t argue with that.


Scarlett Bitch is online


LittleSpider: So ANYWAY guys!!!!! We need to think of a bonding activity for Mr Stark and Mr Steve so they can reconnect and not want to kill each other every 2 minutessss

MamaSpider: Training?

Scarlett Bitch: That’s your answer for everything Tasha

MamaSpider: True

Rhodey: How about grow up and get on with it


America’s Ass: Savage?

Ironman: It means like wild or untamed, basically sass

Scarlett Bitch: Hey Pete

LittleSpider: Oh. My. God. I have the best idea EVERRRRR

Ironman: If you even say what I think you’re going to say then I’m going to say what I know you don’t want me to say

LittleSpider: MOVIE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!

Ironman: I’m taking your suit


Ironman: I swear to god


Falcon107 is online

Hawkeye is online


Rhodey: Chill out Tones, maybe the Kid is onto something, hey Sam😊

Hawkeye: What the fuck is going on

Falcon107: Yo Rhodes hold up, let me catch up with what’s going on

MamaSpider: Hey Clint why aren’t you answering my calls

Hawkeye: Oh shit


Hawkeye is offline

MamaSpider is offline


Ironman: If I agree to this fucking movie night can I leave the chat


Ironman: fml fine

Scarlett Bitch: Are we going to ignore the fact that I think Natasha killed Barton?

America’s Ass: Just heard him fall out of the vent in the kitchen, Nat’s walked in with a knife

Rhodey: He’s dead

Scarlett Bitch: So dead

LittleSpider: Very ded

Falcon107: so apart from Nat and Barton (who we are assuming is cut up somewhere) are we all here? Should we have a movie night tonight?

LittleSpider: YES

Scarlett Bitch: I’m in. Vision is away for a few days but I don’t think he’ll care tbh

Rhodey: Okay but someone better be on popcorn duty

Ironman: Yes but only so I can leave this godforsaken chat

LittleSpider: No-one can leave Mr Stark, the point of this chat is for bonding <3

America’s Ass: Sounds good, I’m in, see you at 7!


America’s Ass is offline


Ironman: WTF WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN’T GO OFFLINE?! Peter please adjust the settings so I can leave I’m begging you

LittleSpider: FINE you can now go offline but will still get notifications of messages and you still can’t leave the group properly MWAHAHAHAHA

Ironman: Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME. You know what, fine. I’ll be there at 7.


Ironman is offline

MamaSpider is online



Scarlett Bitch: Tasha did u kill Barton

MamaSpider: I’ll leave that to your discretion.

Falcon107: That’s sus

Rhodey: Yep, best not to ask though

LittleSpider: Auntie Nat are you coming to movie night tonight?!

MamaSpider: Do I have a choice?

LittleSpider: Not really😊

MamaSpider: I’ll be down at 7.


MamaSpider is offline


Hawkeye is online


Falcon107: HE’S ALIVE

LittleSpider: PRAISE JESUS

Scarlett Bitch: Knew it

Rhodey: Says the girl who just accused Natasha of manslaughter

Scarlett Bitch: Shush. I’ll be there at 7 Peter.


Scarlett Bitch is offline


LittleSpider: What happened Mr Barton?

Hawkeye: Natasha said I’m not allowed to talk about it

Falcon107: LOL

LittleSpider: Will you come to movie night Mr Barton?!

Hawkeye: Sure

LittleSpider: Yey that’s everyone!!!!

LittleSpider: I’ve got some bio hw to finish so see you guys at 7!

Falcon107: Cya Pete

Hawkeye: Bye squirt

LittleSpider is offline

Rhodey is offline

Falcon107 is offline



Chapter Text

LittleSpider is online

Scarlett Bitch is online


LittleSpider: Hey PEEPS, so I was thinking Starwars Emperor Strikes back???:)

Scarlett Bitch: Again????


Ironman is online


Ironman: No

LittleSpider: WHyyyyyYYY MR STARkkKKKKKK and yes Wanda

Ironman: Bc we only watched it yesterday Kid

LittleSpider: True tho

LittleSpider: How aboutttttttt Jurassic World

Ironman: Don’t think that Cap will want to watch a film that he’s starring in Kid


Scarlett Bitch: OMGgggGGGGGG



MamaSpider is online

Hawkeye is online

Falcon107 is online

America’s Ass is online


America’s Ass: Tony.

Falcon107: HAHA

Hawkeye: Omg I can’t breathe

MamaSpider: Grow up Tony


Rhodey is online


Rhodey: Really Tones? You have literally a century worth of jokes to play with and you go for a dinosaur joke. Lame

Ironman: Shut up

MamaSpider: How about a horror film

LittleSpider: YES

Scarlett Bitch: Sounds good

Hawkeye: No I want to watch the mermaid one again

MamaSpider: We are not watching the Little Mermaid again Barton

Hawkeye: ffs

Rhodey: Horror film sounds good – Conjuring 2 is fab

Falcon107: Im in

LittleSpider: Me too! I’ll get the popcorn, save me a seat! Brb


LittleSpider is offline


America’s Ass: I’m fine with whatever, as long as it is appropriate.

Ironman: Yep me too

Scarlett Bitch: Stark tell your AI to open the door to the living room

Ironman: It is open

Scarlett Bitch: Then why can’t me, Nat and Clint get in

Ironman: bc I don’t like u and movie night doesn’t start for another three minutes

MamaSpider: Open the fucking door Tony

Ironman: Fine

Scarlett Bitch: Thank you


Everyone is offline


LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: omg this is so scary

LittleSpider: probs should have told u all tht I get scared easily


Ironman is online


Ironman: Kid you literally fought a fucking mad scientist with killer octopus arms like a week ago

LittleSpider: Exactly Mr Stark and I had nightmares for a week about it


Mama Spider is online

Hawkeye is online

Rhodey is online


MamaSpider: Peter don’t worry it isn’t real.


MamaSpider: They say that to scare people

LittleSpider: It workedddddd ☹

Ironman: Peter get a grip

Rhodey: Leave the Kid alone Tony he’s just scared

Hawkeye: Stark I think that your Kid is having a seizure

Ironman: He fights drug dealers and criminals every day but a 40 something year old actor in face paint wearing a nun outfit is making him shake?! He’s not my Kid and he is just literally shaking sat next to me, not a seizure Legolas

MamaSpider: Can you all shut up and watch the film and bond

Ironman: I’m bored off to the lab

MamaSpider: No youre not

Hawkeye: If he leaves I leave I have important shit to do

Rhodey: No Tones

Ironman: Fine but I’m watching the film so bye


Ironman is offline


MamaSpider: Important shit like what Barton?


Hawkeye: Exploring the Vents…



Everyone is online


LittleSpider: HA thank G0D that is finished. I had fun bonding with you all <3

Ironman: Kid you literally had your eyes shut the whole time

LittleSpider: Mr StarK I don’t want your negative vibez

Scarlett Bitch: Thanks Pete I had fun – night everyone x


Scarlett Bitch is offline


Falcon107: When Clint jumped a mile and threw the popcorn everywhere when the nun came out of that painting HAHAHA

LittleSpider: IT WAS SCARY


LittleSpider: DO NOT JUDGE US

Ironman: You’re both judged.

Rhodey: Shut up Tony. Night every1, thanks for the invite.

Falcon107: Woah Rhodey why are you going so soon

America’s Ass: I had a nice time. Thank you for organising this Peter, good night everyone 😊


Rhodey is offline

                                                     America’s Ass is offline




Hawkeye: Wouldn’t be saying that if Bucky was here




Scarlett Bitch: HOLY SHIT BARTON

MamaSpider: HA HA HA!!!


Falcon107: Well done Clint you killed Stark’s Kid

Ironman: HES NOT MY KID and EW Legolas

MamaSpider: I’m off to bed – good night all!

LittleSpider: Night mama паук <3

MamaSpider: Good night маленький паук xx


MamaSpider is offline


LittleSpider: If the nun possesses me then im sorry inadvance if I push you out of a window or stab u while u sleep☹

Hawkeye: That’ll be Natasha Kid

Hawkeye: OMFG she read the message over my shoulder then walked away and came back from the kitchen holding a knife and is looking at me now HELP


Hawkeye is offline


Falcon107: LOL nice knowing u Clint - night everyone



Falcon107 is offline


Ironman: Kid. It’s literally midnight go to sleep


Ironman: Are you shitting me you’re literally 15

LittleSpider: so

Ironman: It was a film Kid


Ironman: If you don’t go to sleep RIGHT NOW, I will come into your room and strangle u

LittleSpider: Good, get me b4 the nun does mr stark

Ironman: There is no NUN. Good night Peter

LittleSpider: If I wake up in a pool of blood bc ive murdered u all then it serves u right 4 not believing me mr stark




Ironman is offline

LittleSpider is offline











Chapter Text


LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: So I’m alive dudes, the Nun didn’t make me kill any of you!!!! Woooooooo


Ironman is online


Ironman: Told u


Ironman: Hey Kid

LittleSpider: can I come round to the lab tonight after patrol bc it’s a Friday????

Ironman: Yeah no problem Kid, tell May you’re staying over


Ironman: No worries Bud. See you after patrol – be safe, don’t do anything I would do and definitely don’t do anything I wouldn’t do

LittleSpider: I KNOW MR STARK


Ironman is offline

MamaSpider is online

Hawkeye is online

Falcon107 is online

America’s Ass is online


MamaSpider: Kid do you want a lift to school?

LittleSpider: Yes please Auntie Nat!! Also morning!!!!

MamaSpider: Meet me outside in 10 and I’ll drive you. Morning маленький паук xx

LittleSpider: Morning everyone else!! I’m off to school ew. See ya’ll later!!!!! <3


LittleSpider is offline

MamaSpider is offline



America’s Ass: Not me.

Scarlett Bitch: Not me. Me and Peter shared waffles earlier and I know Nat and Stark only had some coffee – haven’t seen Rhodey yet.


Hawkeye is offline


America’s Ass: There you go


America’s Ass: What even is my life.


Everyone is offline


Ironman is online


Ironman: Barton I can hear you crawling around in the Vent, above my head. FUCK OFF I’m trying to work.


Everyone is online


Ironman: Has anyone heard from Peter today? He was meant to come around after Patrol – he knows not to patrol after midnight and yet here I am at 1am, still waiting for him to get here.

MamaSpider: Have you tracked his suit

Ironman: No, that thought never crossed my fucking mind. Karen hasn’t picked up which means the suit must be damaged or he isn’t in it

America’s Ass: Hope he’s alright…

MamaSpider: What about his Aunt

Hawkeye: Who the fuck is Karen

Ironman: May hasn’t seen him since yesterday lunchtime

Scarlett Bitch: Karen is Peter’s AI

Hawkeye: oh right, maybe he decided to stay out later tonight

MamaSpider: No, he wouldn’t shut up about working with Tony in the lab later after patrol when I dropped him off at school this morning

Ironman: No. He knows his curfew, he is always offline by midnight.

Rhodey: Shit Tones

Ironman: What?

Rhodey: Turn on the news

Ironman is offline


Falcon107: Want to clue the rest of us in Rhodey?

Rhodey: They’re live outside the old Cathedral on 45th Street. Looks like there was an active shooter and police found him webbed up, but Spiderman wasn’t anywhere to be found.


Ironman is online


Ironman: FUCK. How the FUCK am I supposed to track him when I can’t hack into his suit

Hawkeye: Me and Nat are on our way, we will try to hunt him down

Ironman: Great thanks guys, Kid means a lot to me yano

MamaSpider: He means a lot to all of us Tony

Hawkeye: Yeah he’s part of the team now

Scarlett Bitch: ^

Falcon107: ^

Rhodey: ^

America’s Ass: ^

Ironman:  Thanks guys, don’t worry we’ll find him, I’m sure he’s alright

Ironman: Everyone stop trying to call me please, I need to keep the line open for the Kid. Widow and Hawkeye are already there and are trying to track Peter down, everyone else just stay at the compound. Thanks for helping tho keep me posted


Everyone is offline

Ironman is online


Ironman: Nat any news?

Ironman: Natasha?

Ironman: Legolas????? FUCK SOMEONE REPLY


LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: rM Srtak yo’ur guna b mad @ me

Ironman: Kid?! Where are you? What’s happened

LittleSpider: Nm wrng chst

Ironman: Peter I swear to GOD. Where are you? Tell me what happened right now.

LittleSpider: I wad on patol an I miht hav gpt shot eberyting id spiming nd my side hirts I mised cerfuw in sprru mr stakr pls hwlp

Ironman: OMFG Peter don’t worry about Curfew - you’re going to be fine, where are you? Why can’t I track Karen, Peter?

LittleSpider: He stbbed me 4 and pishrd me an I frll dwn ad my suyt gpt cayght om he floor

Ironman: Let me get this right. You were also stabbed 4 times by the same man and then shot and then he pushed you onto the floor and your suit what, broke?

LittleSpider: noookokopko mr stakr ,, he stbbed me 4 tims thmn shpt me an I wbbbbed im amb swyng awau and I fel offf he rof 2 the floor by the copl sihn an mt suyt brke


LittleSpider is offline


Ironman: SHIT

Ironman: Natasha, Barton come in NOW


MamaSpider is online

Hawkeye is online


MamaSpider: Oh my god I’ve just read up. So he’s been stabbed 4 times and then shot by the same person and then he caught him and swung away and fell to the floor in his suit which broke on impact?

Ironman: yes because for some reason his defence protocol wasn’t activated – I assume bc he was stabbed so much, so that’s why Karen didn’t contact me

Hawkeye: badass

Ironman: Shut up Clint and find the Kid  

Hawkeye: Woahhhh chill out Stark

MamaSpider: Barton shut up. Tony where is he?

Ironman: He didn’t say

Hawkeye: No clues? You know him better than us

MamaSpider: what does copl sihn mean

Ironman: no idea, kid said his head hurt so he’s probably got a concussion at least

MamaSpider: take out the p and the h and replace it with o and g, and it reads cool sign

Ironman: cool sign?

MamaSpider: yes.

Hawkeye: What the fuck does that mean and how the fuck did u know tht Nat

MamaSpider: bc I’m a trained spy

Hawkeye: so am I!

MamaSpider: but I’m better

Hawkeye: True

Ironman: I know where he is! He’s on 42nd by a sign that says ‘What would Spiderman do?’ – we always drive past it and he thinks its really cool bc he doesn’t even know what Spiderman would do and he is Spiderman.

Hawkeye: doesn’t make much sense but ok

MamaSpider: on our way, get the medbay ready

Ironman: on it


Everyone is offline



Chapter Text

Ironman is online


Ironman: Hey everyone. Just want to thank you all – especially Nat and Clint for finding Peter yesterday. He’s in the Medbay and Bruce is fixing him up as I type. He should be out for a few hours, until the sedative wears off, but Bruce thinks that he will make a full recovery – due to his weird spider healing. Visitors are welcome, however only a few of you at a time.


MamaSpider is online

Rhodey is online

Hawkeye is online

Falcon107 is online

America’s Ass is online

Scarlett Bitch is online


MamaSpider: No problem, just glad he’ll be alright😊

Hawkeye: gave us a right scare seeing him looking like tht

Ironman: I’m just happy that your super secret assassin hunting abilities managed to find him – thanks again

MamaSpider: Hilarious

Rhodey: Hey Tony, meet me by the front door

Falcon107: Anyone off out for training?

America’s Ass: Yeah I’ll come Sam, give me 5 minutes

Falcon107: Ok Cap – I’ll be in the hallway

Scarlett Bitch: What the fuck Barton

Hawkeye: shit sorry

Falcon107: what happened?

America’s Ass: Are you ok Wanda?

Scarlett Bitch: Clint just fucking dropped out of the kitchen vent and made me drop my coffee, I’m fine Steve

Ironman: you break it you bought it MindControl, I’ll be there in a minute Rhodey

Scarlett Bitch: luckily it was the crappy mug you got me for Christmas Stark

MamaSpider: HAHAHA

Ironman: I’m quite offended actually

Hawkeye: You’re welcome

Falcon107: anyone know why theres a shit load of multicoloured balloons in the hallway?

America’s Ass: No idea – looks nice though

Rhodey: I got Peter a present

MamaSpider: omw I wanna see

Hawkeye: I’m comingggg

Scarlett Bitch: Me too

Ironman: Are you shitting me rn????! Rhodey I swear to GOD

Rhodey: shut up man and help your brother out

Hawkeye: omgggg you bought Peter all the fucking balloons from UP?

Falcon107: hahahaha

MamaSpider: Clint always cries at that film lol


MamaSpider: you know that film is animated and not real right

Hawkeye: stfu Romanov before I ‘accidentally’ fall out of a vent on your head

MamaSpider: I might 'accidentally' run you through with my knife then

Hawkeye: shittttt

Ironman: ANYWAY. I’ll get a suit to bring all the balloons down. Everyone else clear out unless you’re carrying balloons - remember no more than 3 of u to see the Kid at a time. See you all at dinner if you’re about.


Ironman is offline

Rhodey is offline


MamaSpider: Barton stop breathing in the helium ffs

Falcon107: Me and Steve are off training – see you all later

America’s Ass: Bye everyone!


Falcon107 is offline

America’s Ass is offline


Scarlett Bitch: I’m going to help move all these balloons and then go down and see the Kid. Bye ya’ll😊


Scarlett Bitch is offline


Hawkeye: I see you eyeing those helium balloons up Red

MamaSpider: shut up

Hawkeye: Bet I can do a better chipmunk impression than u

MamaSpider: you’re on Barton.


Hawkeye is offline

MamaSpider is offline

Chapter Text

LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: Hey everyone! I’m aliveeeeeee also thanks for the balloons Rhodey they’re really fun to bounce around with hahaha


Everyone is online


Rhodey: You’re welcome Pete. Glad they cheered you up

Falcon107: Hey peter hope you’re alright

America’s Ass: Happy you’re feeling better Peter, hope you’ll join us for dinner tonight

Hawkeye: gave us a right scare! We’re coming to see you squirt x

LittleSpider: sorry!! Thanks for rescuing me – you too Nat! Thanks everyone I feel fine lol these balloons are epic

MamaSpider: we’re coming down to see you now, glad you’re ok x

Scarlett Bitch: Hey Peter – I’m coming down to see you soon


LittleSpider: Mr StArK I’M b0r3d and im in the bed area – kay Wanda xo


LittleSpider: I was only slightly stabbed – chill outtttt

Ironman: ‘slightly stabbed’ YOU ALMOST FUCKING DIED

LittleSpider: woahhhhhhhhh chill Mr Stank

Ironman: oh no

Rhodey: oh yes

Ironman: you told the Kid

Rhodey: I told the Kid

Ironman: oh ffs

Falcon107: wait whats happening

Rhodey: I told the Kid a story last night to cheer him up Sam

America’s Ass: what are you all talking about

Hawkeye: I don’t know what they’re talking about but I want to know. Nat do you know?

Ironman: stop fucking trying to hack into the surveillance footage Natasha

Hawkeye: omg haha

America’s Ass: kind of want to know now

Rhodey: Peter would you like to do the honours?

LittleSpider: I would SO

LittleSpider: basicallllyyyyy

LittleSpider: a few weeks ago

MamaSpider: July 31st at 10.04am outside the side entrance level 3b

Ironman: you’ve got to be shitting me

LittleSpider: oh my fucking g0d Nat

Hawkeye: They don’t call her the master assassin spy for nothing guys

Falcon107: HAHAHA

Scarlett Bitch: as if omg looooool

LittleSpider: ANYWAY – On July 31st at 10.04am outside the side entrance on level 3b, Mr Stark and Rhodey were talking about what they were going to do that day

MamaSpider: No that’s a lie, the mouth to speech synchronisation that I encoded shows that they were talking about the accords Peter

Hawkeye: omg im wheezing

Scarlett Bitch: holy fucking shit don’t get on the wrong side of Natasha

Falcon107: jeez aint nothing secret anymore

Ironman: that was A PRIVATE conversation

MamaSpider: not anymore

Hawkeye: xD

America’s Ass: *face palm*


Falcon107: you’re welcome

LittleSpider: omg wait til I tell Ned

Hawkeye: peter can u tell the rest of the story pls

Scarlett Bitch: yas

Ironman: no stop

LittleSpider: oh yeah so, they were talking and then a postman comes to deliver Mr Stark a parcel with a piece for one of his new suits and accidentally called him Mr Stank instead of Mr Stark hahahahaha

America’s Ass: why have I not heard this story before

Scarlett Bitch: LOL


Hawkeye: HAHA

MamaSpider: that’s funny, but the delivery is a lie too

Ironman: you’ve got to be fucking kidding me

Rhodey: woah hold up what

LittleSpider: omg spill

Hawkeye: I’m literally on the edge of my seat

Ironman: don’t you dare Romanov

MamaSpider: the delivery records state that Tony bought a childs miniaturised edition of a build your own rocket, with 36 new designs and a custom made landing pad – which Tony decided should be red and gold


Rhodey: Tony what the fuck you’re a literal grown man and a scientist why did you need to buy a childs toy that you could just build and just WHY

Falcon107: that is the funniest thing I’ve heard in my life

LittleSpider: iehfnslxfgnspdfjsgjbvnIcanltbreaethteeeeee

Scarlett Bitch: Mr Stank why would you need to buy this toy


Ironman: There is a perfectly logical explanation as to this purchase – not that it’s anyones business

Hawkeye: cant wait to hear this

LittleSpider: hahahuoahsahsiahahahsahiohhaha

Falcon107: you broke the Kid Natasha

MamaSpider: he’s in the medbay anyway so… *shrugs*

Rhodey: Tony why did you buy a kids toy

Ironman: as a scientist, there are many factual errors in cert…oh for fucks sake, I bought it because I was bored and wanted to see how far it would fly ok

America’s Ass: Ha ha ha Tony that is so funny

Ironman: shut up spangles

Rhodey: I can’t even look at you in the same way anymore Tony

Scarlett Bitch: anyone else scared at the speed which Tasha found all that out

Falcon107: yeah that’s kinda sus

America’s Ass: she literally hacked into Shields database in 9 minutes once

Hawkeye: bad ass Romanov

MamaSpider: 😉

Rhodey: are we all having takeout tonight?

Falcon107: yep see you at 6

Scarlett Bitch: see you later guys

America’s Ass: hope you feel better soon Peter – hopefully see you tonight

LittleSpider: thanks my dudes – see you soon!!! XXX


Falcon107 is offline

Scarlett Bitch is offline

America’s Ass is offline

Rhodey is offline


LittleSpider: Mr Stank pls can I play with the rocket tonight after dinner

Ironman: ffs


Ironman: fine – come to the lab at 8, but only if the doctors say it’s ok

LittleSpider: YESSSSS!!!!!! Thank youuuuuuu – see you all later! Xoxo


LittleSpider is offline


Ironman: Natasha I am literally going to remove all your access from my server

MamaSpider: good luck with that

Hawkeye: oh no you didn’t

MamaSpider: yes I did

Hawkeye: omgahahahaha that’s brilliant! See you later Mr Stank


Hawkeye is offline



MamaSpider: Spy tip 1 – don’t tell your secrets. See you at 6


MamaSpider is offline




Ironman is offline

Chapter Text


LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: would you rather have feet for hands or hands for feet


Ironman is online

MamaSpider is online

Hawkeye is online

Falcon107 is online

Scarlett Bitch is online

Ironman: Kid its 2am

LittleSpider: that didn’t answer my question Mr Stark

MamaSpider: why are you awake?

LittleSpider: dm

MamaSpider: ???

LittleSpider: I’m fine Auntie Nat don’t worry

Ironman: you’re asking us if we want feet for hands at 2 in the morning

Hawkeye: he has a point Peter but I’d want hands for feet

MamaSpider: either for me, I’ve killed people with my toes before. What’s going on Peter?

Falcon107: wow that’s … horrifying

Hawkeye: it’s true she has

Ironman: don’t get on her bad side, I’d have feet for hands bc I couldn’t make suits with my hands as feet

Scarlett Bitch: nat has no chill

Rhodey: that’s pretty awesome Natasha also feet for hands

Ironman: why the FUCK is everyone awake at 2am

LittleSpider: Had a nightmare about the building collapsing on me Auntie Nat

MamaSpider: are you ok?

LittleSpider: not really, I’m currently on my ceiling and messaging you guys bc I’m scared to go back to sleep


MamaSpider is offline


Falcon107: feet for hands bc then I could run really fast on my hands

Scarlett Bitch: hands for feet

LittleSpider: where’s Mr Captain America at

Ironman: probably asleep like a normal person

Hawkeye: no just seen him running laps in the gym

Ironman: I give up

Rhodey: why has Natasha just left the kitchen with a giant tub of ben and jerrys icecream and a giant bag of crisps

Hawkeye: mandatory cuddle party in peter’s room ya’ll

Falcon107: 2nded – I’ll get Steve, then we’ll be up

Scarlett Bitch: omw

Rhodey: I’ve just ordered takeaway pizza

Ironman: It. Is. 2am.

LittleSpider: omg you’re all too nice to me, I love you all <3


MamaSpider is online

America’s Ass is online


Hawkeye: we love you too Squirt

MamaSpider: люблю тебя маленький паук

Scarlett Bitch: <3

Rhodey: Back at you Pete

America’s Ass: We might be a team, but we’re a family too – love you Peter.

Falcon107: always here for you!

Ironman: ffs. Peter, I’ll be there in 5 mins, love you too Kid

LittleSpider: 😊


Everyone is offline



Chapter Text

Ironman is online

Falcon107 is online

Scarlett Bitch is online

Hawkeye is online

LittleSpider is online


Ironman: Can someone please kindly explain to me why my kitchen looks like a fucking bomb has gone off in it

Hawkeye: cupcakes

Scarlett Bitch: it doesn’t look that bad

Ironman: there is literally batter mix everywhere and don’t get me started on the egg shells

LittleSpider: we’re making cupcakes for my school bake sale Mr Stark!

Falcon107: yep

Ironman: and how much of the cupcake battermix has actually gone into the oven, because from where I’m standing, it’s all over the fucking kitchen. Also why are there so many eggs on the floor

LittleSpider: well there was a slight incident

Ironman: ‘Slight incident’. Please elaborate Parker

LittleSpider: well we wanted to juggle some eggs and see who could juggle the most

Falcon107: I was in the lead, then Peter wanted a go

LittleSpider: in my defence I was doing really well…

Hawkeye: then I fell from the vent and Peter screamed and dropped them all

Scarlett Bitch: yeah hahaha it was so funny

LittleSpider: I did so well to juggle 42 eggs tho lets b serious

Falcon107: 2nded

Scarlett Bitch: 3rded

Hawkeye: 4thed

Ironman: 42 fucking eggs are you fucking kidding me

LittleSpider: IT WASN’T MY FAULT

Ironman: I don’t care who’s fault it was, clean. It. Up. Now.


Everyone is offline


LittleSpider is online

Scarlett Bitch is online


LittleSpider: im so bored waiting for these cupcakes to cook

Scarlett Bitch: friends binge sesh?

LittleSpider: YAS QUEEN


LittleSpider is offline

Scarlett Bitch is offline



MamaSpider is online

Hawkeye is online

Falcon107 is online

America’s Ass is online

Scarlett Bitch is online

Rhodey is online

LittleSpider is online



MamaSpider: barton stop poking me before I hurt you

Hawkeye: but im b0r3d

MamaSpider: you have a worse attention span than a spoon

Hawkeye: spoons don’t have attention spans

MamaSpider: exactly

Hawkeye: wow r00d

MamaSpider: Clinton im serious

Hawkeye: make me lol

Scarlett Bitch: nice knowing u clint

Hawkeye: omg Nat put the knife down

Rhodey: hahahaha

LittleSpider: what even is going on

America’s Ass: Natasha you’ve made clint cry

MamaSpider: good


LittleSpider is offline

Scarlett Bitch is offline


Ironman is online


Ironman: Why is Legolas crying in the bathroom

Rhodey: Nat threatened to stab him again

MamaSpider: he was being annoying

Ironman: fairs

America’s Ass: Sam do you want to go down to the gym to train for a bit?

Falcon107: already there man

America’s Ass: omw

Rhodey: Tony I need to talk to you, Pepper mentioned something about an Expo next year?

Ironman: fuck


America’s Ass is offline

Falcon107 is offline

Rhodey is offline

Ironman is offline

MamaSpider is offline

Hawkeye is offline



Rhodey is online

America’s Ass is online

Ironman is online

Falcon107 is online


America’s Ass: there’s a weird smell, can anyone else smell it

Ironman: that’s just you capsicle

Rhodey: omg

Falcon107: haha

Ironman: where’s peter and wanda, it’s very quiet

MamaSpider: watching tv in wanda’s room still

America’s Ass: that smell is getting worse and no Tony it isn’t me

Hawkeye: why is there smoke in the vents

MamaSpider: why are you in the vents again

Hawkeye: I was just exploring and now I’m pretty sure I have a heat stroke

MamaSpider: ffs get out of the vents barton

Ironman: omg the fucking smoke alarm is going off, who’s cooking?!!?!!?!?!?


America’s Ass: me and Sam are coming

MamaSpider: it stinks omfg, Barton just climb out of the one in the living room

Hawkeye: this is the end guys

Rhodey: literally can’t see through the smoke

Falcon107: why can I hear clint sobbing again and saying ‘goodbye cruel world’??

America’s Ass: guys I need some help here – the fire’s huge

MamaSpider: clint stop crying and fucking climb into the living room

Ironman: I’m on my way

Hawkeye: I made it, I’m alive everyone

Falcon107: joy

MamaSpider: ffs, get over here barton and help us put this fire out

Ironman: PETER!!!!!!!!!

Hawkeye: we may need to rethink the bake sale idea


LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: well shit.



Chapter Text

Everyone is online


America’s Ass: Hey Tony, can I add a few people?

Ironman: depends who it is

Hawkeye: ooooo im intrigued

MamaSpider: think I have an idea who it is

LittleSpider: spill the tea Mr Captain America Sir

America’s Ass: why would I spill my tea?


Scarlett Bitch: it’s a saying Steve, for like spill the beans, tell us your secrets and gossip

Ironman: I fucking love how ancient he is

Hawkeye: I cant breathe omg

Rhodey: lmfao

Falcon107: AHAHAHA

LittleSpider: nooooostopppppicannycope

Falcon107: Steve started it

Hawkeye: true tho

MamaSpider: everyone shut up and tell us who it is Rogers

America’s Ass: oh ok, it’s just Bruce, Bucky and Thor

MamaSpider: thought Barnes didn’t have a phone

America’s Ass: he didn’t but then Peter showed him ‘memez’ and now he has a phone, so thought he’d like to be in the group – considering he lives with us

Falcon107: fairs

LittleSpider: omgomgomgomgomgoifnosgnidfkjvblifkdjbv

Hawkeye: good job Cap you killed the kid

America’s Ass: what did I do

MamaSpider: it’s memes not memez

America’s Ass: ok


Hawkeye: who the fuck is ned

LittleSpider: my guy in the chair

Falcon107: huh

Rhodey: idk what’s going on

MamaSpider: don’t ask

Scarlett Bitch: Steve … Bruce didn’t want to be in the chat did he?

America’s Ass: it’s only fair that he is, considering the whole team will be on here now

Ironman: ffs, fine but I’m not teaching pointbreak how to type like a normal person

Hawkeye: what does that even mean

Rhodey: you’ll see


America’s Ass added Bruce Banner, Thor God of Thunder and James ‘Bucky’ Barnes to the group: Avengers Group


Ironman changed the name James ‘Bucky’ Barnes to Metal Arm

Ironman changed the name Bruce Banner to Green Rage Monster

Ironman changed the name Thor God of Thunder to Pointbreak



Green Rage Monster: Really Tony? Bruce would have been fine

Ironman: yeah but this is more fun


Hawkeye: ohhhhhhh I get it now

Ironman: yep.

America’s Ass: Turn the Caps lock off Thor


MamaSpider: lmao

LittleSpider: who does tho

Hawkeye: Barnes does hahahaha

Scarlett Bitch: omfg xD

Falcon107: holy shit lol

Metal Arm: leave me out of this

Ironman: Thor press the button next to A


Ironman: no, not next to anything, next to A, the letter A


Ironman: FFS someone fucking show him

LittleSpider: Hi Mr Thor Sir! It’s the button to the left of the letter A 😊

Pointbreak: why thank you little spider – who is everyone?

LittleSpider: Peter Parker aka Spiderman aka LittleSpider aka The most awesomest person ever

Ironman: kid that’s me, don’t even start

LittleSpider: sorry mr stark

Ironman: -__- I’m obviously Tony Stark

MamaSpider: Natasha

Hawkeye: Clint

America’s Ass: Steve

Falcon107: Sam

Rhodey: James Rhodes

Scarlett Bitch: Wanda

Green Rage Monster: Bruce

Metal Arm: Bucky

Pointbreak: what is the purpose of this

Ironman: a slow painful death apparently

MamaSpider: Hell

Hawkeye: pretty much bants 24/7

Pointbreak: what is this ‘bants’

LittleSpider: basically this chat is just a bit of fun so we can all communicate a bit better with each other and usually it’s quite pointless and funny Mr Thor

Pointbreak: I think I understand now, thank you, young Peter

LittleSpider 😊

Green Rage Monster: Steve I said when this was first created that I didn’t want to be in it because it kept spamming my phone

America’s Ass: We’re all a team Bruce, we all have to suffer together

Green Rage Monster: urgh

LittleSpider: guys I have to go to school and I have decathalon until 5, so I wont be online until then! Have a fabby day my peeps <3 <3 <3

Ironman: cya kid have a good day – don’t forget to come by the lab later – you’re staying the weekend I’ve cleared it with May

LittleSpider: omg thank you mr stark!!!!! See you all later!

MamaSpider: <3

Hawkeye: bye squirt

Falcon107: bye peter

America’s Ass: See you later Son

Scarlett Bitch: Don’t do anything stupid lol, have a good day Pete

Green Rage Monster: Have a great day.

Rhodey: I’ll give you a lift Kid

LittleSpider: thanks everyone!!!!! Thank youuuuu Uncle Rhodey I’m by the front door!x


LittleSpider is offline

Hawkeye: that kid is so pure

MamaSpider: he is too precious for this world

Scarlett Bitch: he’s like a smol bean

Pointbreak: where is young parker going

Ironman: school Thor…

Pointbreak: I do not understand

Ironman: a magical realm of paper and mental breakdowns for the youth of today

Falcon107: HAHAHA

Hawkeye: omg legit

Green Rage Monster: lol

Scarlett Bitch: that’s literally the best thing I’ve ever heard you say Stark

MamaSpider: lmao

America’s Ass: Tony.

Pointbreak: ah I think I understand.

Ironman: where are you right now Thor?

Pointbreak: Asgard

Ironman: oh yeah… of course… silly me -___-

Pointbreak: I shall be returning to the compound after I have defeated the latest threat to my kingdom.

Rhodey: how long will that take

Pointbreak: approximately 19 hours and 14 minutes if all goes to plan

MamaSpider: wow that was really specific

Ironman: can’t fucking wait.

Pointbreak: I cannot wait to see all of you either!


Hawkeye: this will be goodxD

Pointbreak: well friends, I must bid you goodbye for now, but hopefully I should be with all of you tomorrow. Good bye friends


Pointbreak is offline


Ironman: -____- I have to go and put my head through a wall


Ironman is offline


America’s Ass: Anyone up for a movie day?

MamaSpider: always

Scarlett Bitch: yup

Metal Arm: I’m in

Green Rage Monster: sure, why not.

Hawkeye: can we watch Brave

MamaSpider: fucking not again

Falcon107: no barton

Metal Arm: idk what that is

America’s Ass: we aren’t watching that film again Clint.

Hawkeye: I never get what I want☹

Rhodey: I have some work to do with Tony, so no thanks Cap.


Rhodey is offline


America’s Ass: meet in the movie room in 10 😊

Everyone is offline





Chapter Text


LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: how come ive just walked into the movie room and Clint is literally on Nats lap crying; sam is covered in popcorn, wanda and bruce are asleep and bucky and steve are in a blanket fort

LittleSpider: im v confused and a bit jealous tht I was at school and decathalon and sad that I’m not involved tbh


MamaSpider is online

America’s Ass is online

Metal Arm is online


MamaSpider: we all had a movie day and have just finished watching the Lion King

LittleSpider: I am so confused tho

America’s Ass: wanna join our fort Pete? How was school?

LittleSpider: YESSSSS and it was ok thanks <3

Metal Arm: bring some popcorn pls

LittleSpider: I cant bc it’s all over Sam

LittleSpider: why is it all over Sam

MamaSpider: Clint was trying to beat his high score

LittleSpider: I cant even

MamaSpider: just don’t ask

LittleSpider: sounds sus but ok

Falcon107 is online


Falcon107: so im here minding my own sweet business and I move and suddenly I’m having a shower in fucking popcorn, anyone care to explain????

MamaSpider: Clint was trying to beat his high score – you were the closest target

Falcon107: ffs I hate you all


Falcon107 is offline

Scarlett Bitch is online

Green Rage Monster is online


Scarlett Bitch: why is barton crying so loudly

LittleSpider: ^preach

MamaSpider: bc of the film

Green Rage Monster: the Disney film we just watched?

MamaSpider: yep and tbh you were asleep

Green Rage Monster: true.

America’s Ass: it’s a happy ending though?

Metal Arm: im so confused

LittleSpider: omg same Bucky

MamaSpider: he just said #prayfortheking – I think he means that singing lion cubs dead dad that got killed by his hyena obsessed dickwad of a brother

LittleSpider: ‘that singing lion cubs dead dad that got killed by his hyena obsessed dickwad of a brother’ – plot summary of the Lion King by Natasha Romanov

Scarlett Bitch: hahaha!! Film plot revealed by Black Widow

America’s Ass: Natasha that was funny!

MamaSpider: it’s true though…


Hawkeye is online


Hawkeye: HE WAS A KING


America’s Ass: Clint ! Language!


MamaSpider: bc we all know that it’s a film.

LittleSpider: I mean the first time I watched it I cried for 2 days


LittleSpider: but I was 3

Scarlett Bitch: LMFAO mood

MamaSpider: smh

Green Rage Monster: lol

Metal Arm: ha

Hawkeye: I need to mourn

Hawkeye: this is worse than UP omg

Hawkeye: what happened to the warthog – poor fucker, he only wanted his bed buddy back

Hawkeye: why did the baboon have that stick all the time bc he could walk

LittleSpider: idk ask Disney – also Pumbaa had Timon at the end – which was a happy ending … so why are you still crying Clint????

Hawkeye: Imma writing an email now

Hawkeye: I have a lot of feelings ok leave me alone

America’s Ass: don’t you have kids? How have you never seen this before

MamaSpider: he makes a point not to watch Disney bc he always cries

Hawkeye: NAT! That is so untrue

MamaSpider: Brave, UP, Wall-e, bambi, princess and the frog, Mulan, the little mermaid, the one with the elephant, winnie the pooh



Scarlett Bitch: how did he cry at winnie the pooh nothing remotely sad happens

MamaSpider: the bear ran out of honey, then clint realised that he doesn’t even like honey and if pooh bear was there then he would starve

LittleSpider: stickaforkinmeimDONE

LittleSpider: Nat has NO CHILL LMFAO

Metal Arm: im so confused right now

America’s Ass: theres still so many Disney films we need to watch Buck

Metal Arm: Disney film night?

America’s Ass: let’s move the blanket fort upstairs


Metal Arm is offline

America’s Ass is offline


Hawkeye: why are you selling me out Tasha I feel personally targeted

MamaSpider: Good. You’re a grown man crying at another childrens film

Green Rage Monster: I’m going to my lab. See you all for dinner.


Green Rage Monster is offline


LittleSpider: bye dr banner! Nat it isnt a childrens film thoooooo

Scarlett Bitch: ?????

MamaSpider: yes it is.

Hawkeye: imtoodepressedtothink


Ironman is online

Rhodey is online

Falcon107 is online


Ironman: oh you have got to be shitting me

Rhodey: so we wondered where everyone was, then read up.

LittleSpider: listennnnnnnn

LittleSpider: Lion King isn’t a childrens film is it tho

Falcon107: well I thought it was, but bet you’re gonna prove me wrong

Ironman: not again Kid

Ironman: just everyone fucking agree with him

Rhodey: ???

Scarlett Bitch: why isn’t it a childrens film Peter?

MamaSpider: ?

LittleSpider: WELL

Ironman: oh ffs here we go

LittleSpider: The Lion King is the greatest anthropomorphic assault upon the theme of mortality that Western culture has ever produced. It has been adapted into like the most successful West-end musical of all time EVERRRRR which has generated 8 million pounds profit and counting. It has an IMDB rating of 8.5, 2 Academy Awards and 2 Golden Globes, and also Disney have just released a live action version of the film – with Jon Favreau directing it (who looks a lot like Happy Hogan…) that’s weird actually… SO IT ISNT A CHILDRENS FILM

Rhodey: wow

Falcon107: there are no words

MamaSpider: you’ve made clint cry again, but touché kid


Ironman: this is what I have to deal with on a daily basis

LittleSpider: love you mr starkkkkk


Ironman is offline


Rhodey: okay so Tony is full on crying on the sofa

MamaSpider: why

Scarlett Bitch: I just walked past him and he’s crying so loud lol

Falcon107: he just asked Friday to save the chat to his personal files

Rhodey: bc the kid said he loves him

LittleSpider: omg im sorry mr stark I love you pls don’t cry im omw

Rhodey: ok he’s full on sobbing now


LittleSpider is offline


Hawkeye: this kid is too pure

MamaSpider: true

Rhodey: yes he is

Falcon107: yup

Scarlett Bitch: he is

Everyone is offline

Ironman is online


Ironman: love you too kiddo<3


Ironman is offline


Chapter Text

LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: ok so hypothetically how do you all feel about cats


Everyone is online


Ironman: not good

MamaSpider: depends on what type of cat

Hawkeye: those skin cats creep me out ngl

LittleSpider: a cute lil ginger one with green eyes

Rhodey: cats are cool

Falcon107: I mean I have wings, so no

Green Rage Monster: cats are good for relieving anxiety and stress, I like them

Scarlett Bitch: Sam you know that you aren’t actually a bird right

Falcon107: oh yeah sometimes I forget

America’s Ass: I like cats

Metal Arm: same, they’re ok

Pointbreak: Are cats the ones with fur?

Hawkeye: lmfao

MamaSpider: there are lots of animals with fur Thor.

Ironman: smh, they’re the ones that piss everywhere and meow

Pointbreak: oh yes, then I like them.

Hawkeye: bc they piss everywhere?

Falcon107: omg

Pointbreak: no birdman, because they are what you midgardians would say are ‘cute’

LittleSpider: yasssssss Thor

Hawkeye: did he really just call me bird man

MamaSpider: lmao

Scarlett Bitch: this chat is so weird

Ironman: why did you ask anyway Kid bc we aren’t getting one.

LittleSpider: well

Ironman: no

LittleSpider: but I didn’t even

Ironman: also no

LittleSpider: but

Ironman: finally, no.

Hawkeye: dad mode activated

LittleSpider: omg


‘LittleSpider’ changed the name ‘Ironman’ to ‘Irondad’


Rhodey: Peter, we are in a late night SI meeting and Tony has just started crying and has fallen off his chair hyperventilating

Hawkeye: omfgicantcope

Scarlett Bitch: steve and bucky are literally rolling around laughing

MamaSpider: why are you on your phones if you’re in a meeting

Rhodey: bc it’s boring af

MamaSpider: fairs


Irondad is offline

Rhodey is offline


Green Rage Monster: as cute as that is, why are you asking about cats Peter?

LittleSpider: sorry mr stark !!!!!! anyway so I’m on patrol and I just webbed up a few guys who were stealing and bad stuffff

Falcon107: and????

LittleSpider: then I heard a noise so I asked Karen what it was and I went to investigate

Hawkeye: who the fuck is karen

MamaSpider: the Kid’s AI

Scarlett Bitch: karen is a legend

LittleSpider: karen is my computer wife


LittleSpider: Wanda YOU QUEEN

Hawkeye: back to the story pete.

LittleSpider: oh yeah, so….

Pointbreak: are the man of spiders and ironman not related

MamaSpider: you have to be kidding me

Metal Arm: no

Scarlett Bitch: is that seriously what you thought Thor

Pointbreak: yes, is that not accurate?

Falcon107: he acts like peter’s dad tho

Green Rage Monser: true but they aren’t related

America’s Ass: they aren’t, I’ve asked many times

LittleSpider: guyzzzzzzz lemme finish my story and no me and Mr Stark aren’t related

MamaSpider: hurry up then

Hawkeye: true

LittleSpider: pfttttt

MamaSpider: don’t sass me parker

LittleSpider: omg please don’t kill me im sorry Auntie Nat xxx

MamaSpider: forgiven. Continue

LittleSpider: so I ended up in this creepy alley way and found Mr Whiskers all alone and then he became my son

Scarlett Bitch: pic or it didn’t happen


(LittleSpider sent a pdf file to Avengers Group Chat)


Hawkeye: OMG I approve

America’s Ass: aw he’s cute

Metal Arm: I like him, he seems smart

MamaSpider: Barnes it’s a cat

Metal Arm: a smart cat

Scarlett Bitch: omg he’s so cute

Falcon107: so we have a cat now?

Green Rage Monster: where is he staying

LittleSpider: that’s the thing, my apartment in queens doesn’t allow pets

MamaSpider: he cant be your son then…

Pointbreak: I can clarify that Mr Whiskers is very fluffy and his fur is soft.

Hawkeye: wait what

LittleSpider: THOR FFS

Metal Arm: ???

America’s Ass: Peter I thought you said you’re on patrol?

LittleSpider: well I was…now I’m not😊

Green Rage Monster: oh no this can’t be good

Pointbreak: Man of Spiders is in the communal living room and Mr Whiskers is asleep on his lap.

LittleSpider: damn it Thor

Scarlett Bitch: omw

MamaSpider: omw

Hawkeye: omw

Falcon107: omw

America’s Ass: omw

Metal Arm: omw

Green Rage Monster: omw



Everyone is offline


Irondad is online

Rhodey is online


Irondad: so me and Rhodey have just finished our 2 hour meeting and come into the living room to find you all asleep with a cat who I assume is Mr Whiskers – even though I said no to getting a cat?? Also, Peter please stop being adorable sleeping in your blanket burrito bc im now crying again

Rhodey: get some pillows Tones it’s a sleepover

Irondad: give me strength

Irondad: fine


Rhodey is offline

Irondad is offline

Chapter Text

LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: is cereal soup

LittleSpider: bc you eat both with a spoon and both have liquid as the main bit

LittleSpider: damnnnn I want some cocopops now

LittleSpider: awhhhhh Mr Whiskers is purring the lil flooofff

LittleSpider: I love cocopops but I love Mr Whiskers more <3

LittleSpider: let’s go on an adventure to find cocopops

LittleSpider: Mr Whiskers is on it like a car bonnet

LittleSpider: cocopopssssss whereeee arrreeee youuuu

LittleSpider: I FOUND SOME

LittleSpider: shit I broke a bowl

LittleSpider: its ok I cleaned it up


LittleSpider: sugary goodnessssss


LittleSpider: lol Mr Whiskers is like what are you doinggg




Irondad is online


Irondad: Peter. It’s fucking 4am. GO. TO. SLEEP.


Irondad: wanna bet

LittleSpider: WHY ARE YOUUUUUU not asleep

Irondad: I was until I heard a smashing sound in the kitchen

LittleSpider: that was me sorry

Irondad: why were you in the kitchen at 4am and what is all that banging coming from your room

LittleSpider: I wanted cocopops and I’m dancing

Irondad: ffs go to sleep

LittleSpider: Nooooooooooo

Irondad: that’s it I’m coming in

Irondad: what the actual fuck.

Irondad: what are you doing

LittleSpider: twerking on the ceiling

Irondad: I can feel my hair physically turning grey

LittleSpider: omg can I dye my hair blue and red to match my suit

Irondad: NO. GET DOWN

LittleSpider: what’s the dealio mr stark – I don’t even have school tomorrow bc it’s a weekend

Irondad: GO. TO. SLEEP.

LittleSpider: Pfffttttt fine


LittleSpider is offline

Irondad is offline


Everyone is online


Hawkeye: lmfao Peter you were twerking on the ceiling???

Scarlett Bitch: mood

Falcon107: I’m gonna need a demo of that later

Rhodey: what is going on

Pointbreak: that sounds amusing.

Metal Arm: so that is what all the banging was

Hawkeye: dontmakeasexjokedontmakeasexjoke

LittleSpider: yes and I was having a great time until Mr Moodypants came and ruined the fun – MR BARTON EW

MamaSpider: Peter, your sleep schedule is terrible

Irondad: IT WAS 4AM KID

America’s Ass: Peter you could have hurt yourself, that was really irresponsible

Green Rage Monster: smh

LittleSpider: woah who called the parent police

MamaSpider: you, by messaging the chat at 4am, eating sugary cereal – which is not soup btw, and twerking on the ceiling

LittleSpider: fairs

Pointbreak: what is ‘twerking’

America’s Ass: no idea

Metal Arm: a dance move

Scarlett Bitch: it’s fun


Irondad: that image of you on the ceiling, twerking, will haunt me forever

LittleSpider: you’re welcome

Rhodey: kid you worry me

Irondad: pretty sure by now I’m in a constant state of worry because of him.

LittleSpider: anywayyyyyyy – what are we all doing today

Irondad: sleeping because I was up at 4am.

Hawkeye: savage

Scarlett Bitch: lmao same, but I’m just tired

Falcon107: mood

Rhodey: me

MamaSpider: was thinking of going shopping

Scarlett Bitch: can I come?

MamaSpider: sure

America’s Ass: training

Falcon107: training

Metal Arm: training

Pointbreak: I am about to leave to visit my friend Jane for a week.

Green Rage Monster: lab

Irondad: sleeping then lab

Hawkeye: vents

MamaSpider: not again

Hawkeye: woah hold up I didn’t judge your plan for the day

MamaSpider: yes because unlike you I’m doing something normal

Hawkeye: what isn’t normal about exploring the vents

MamaSpider: everything in that sentence.

Hawkeye: this is bullying and I wont tolerate it

MamaSpider: would you rather that we take this outside

Hawkeye: i'll kick your ass Romanoff

MamaSpider: lmfao no

Irondad: can the 2 master assassins take their domestic shit elsewhere please and thank you

America’s Ass: how about you Peter?

LittleSpider: not sure, can’t we all do something together?

Irondad: no

Scarlett Bitch: like what?

America’s Ass: That sounds like fun Peter – what were you thinking?

Pointbreak: I am leaving now – good bye friends, I shall see you in a week.


Pointbreak is offline


MamaSpider: do I have a choice?

Hawkeye: probably not

Falcon107: doing what

LittleSpider: like maybe we could go somewhere for a day out?

Irondad: I hate my life

Rhodey: shut up Tony it might be fun

America’s Ass: where are you thinking Peter?

Green Rage Monster: somewhere not too crowded please

Metal Arm: I’m fine with whatever

LittleSpider: maybe the science museum?

Irondad: im good with that

Green Rage Monster: same

Hawkeye: I’d rather stab myself in the eye

MamaSpider: I’d do it for you

Hawkeye: thanks Nat – always nice to know you’ve got my back

Scarlett Bitch: we aren’t all science nerds like you, Bruce and Stark

Falcon107: true dat

Rhodey: any other ideas Peter

LittleSpider: the beach?

Irondad: it’s cold

MamaSpider: it’s like 28 degrees.


Scarlett Bitch: LET IT GO

Hawkeye: LET IT GO

Falcon107: Wait what’s happening


Irondad: Barnes knows Frozen really omg

America’s Ass: it’s his favourite after our movie night

LittleSpider: LET IT GO

Green Rage Monster: LET IT GO

Rhodey: hang on Bruce is in on this?


Metal Arm: I DON’T CARE


MamaSpider: does this ever end

Irondad: almost finished







LittleSpider: *Slams door dramatically*

Falcon107: what the fuck just happened

Rhodey: it’s a popular Disney song

Irondad: my ears are bleeding, holy fuck none of you can sing

LittleSpider: wow rude mr stark – we were singing and texting #skill

Scarlett Bitch: that was fun

Metal Arm: I enjoyed that.

Hawkeye: Same

Green Rage Monster: 😊

LittleSpider: so is everyone up for the beach then????

MamaSpider: yes but please don’t break into song again

Irondad: fine and I agree with Nat

America’s Ass: I quite enjoyed that! Yes, the beach sounds good Peter. Shall we leave in half an hour?

Metal Arm: beachbeachbeach

Green Rage Monster: beach is good – meet by the front door in 30 mins


Green Rage Monster is offline

America’s Ass is offline

Metal Arm is offline


Falcon107: yep

Falcon107 is offline


Rhodey: Sure, why not

Scarlett Bitch: YAS


Rhodey is offline

Scarlett Bitch is offline


Hawkeye: Obvs I’m already packed

LittleSpider: lmfao

MamaSpider: you can’t take a mini fridge to the beach Barton

LittleSpider: omfgimcryinggg

Irondad: are you serious Legolas

Hawkeye: I like my drinks cold

Irondad: so does fucking everybody moron

Hawkeye: so why can’t I bring my fridge - I have a portable charger…

MamaSpider: because it’s a beach

Hawkeye: how will my drinks be cold if I cant put them in a fridge

LittleSpider: you can get electrocuted omg Clint!!!!!

Hawkeye: bold of you to think that I haven’t been electrocuted before

LittleSpider: nowayahahahahahahaha im going to get dressed BYE


LittleSpider is offline


Irondad: You are not bringing a mini fridge to the beach Barton. Put them in a bag and I’ll bring some icepacks.

Hawkeye: the fridge would keep them colder


Irondad is offline


MamaSpider: why have you got 3 pairs of sunglasses

Hawkeye: in case I lose them

MamaSpider: where are your swimming shorts

Hawkeye: crap

MamaSpider: give me your bag ffs


MamaSpider: your biology thinks you’re 32, in reality you have the mindset of a 5 year old

Hawkeye: thank you:D

MamaSpider: Боже мой


Hawkeye is offline

MamaSpider is offline

Chapter Text


Everyone is online



Scarlett Bitch: ofndosmlfmfjngj,vn

Metal Arm: I actually cant breathe rn

Falcon107: WE ARE GENIUSES !!!

LittleSpider: that WAS ThE GrEAteSt ThInG EVER

Metal Arm: lmfao wanda is cry laughing


LittleSpider: RUN!!!!!!


LittleSpider is offline

Scarlett Bitch is offline

Metal Arm is offline

Falcon107 is offline




Hawkeye is offline


Irondad: what just happened

Rhodey: think it’s probably safer if we don’t know Tones

Green Rage Monster: Don’t know, but I heard a huge splash? Maybe they’re swimming? I can’t see from here.

America’s Ass: I’m not too sure. Nat?

MamaSpider: Clint was sunbathing – presumably asleep, and Peter, Wanda, Sam and Bucky decided it would be a good idea for Wanda to levitate him and his chair over the ocean. Wilson called ‘Red Wing’ over – you know that weird flying pet thing he has, who then proceeded to drop a shit ton of seaweed on Barton and he fell about 8 ft into the sea. It was quite funny actually.

Irondad: omfg that’s brilliant

Rhodey: jfc

America’s Ass: Tony he could have been hurt!

Irondad: lighten up capsicle

MamaSpider: They’ve resorted to a seaweed throwing fight, right next to me now. I’m literally trying to read. This family sucks.

Green Rage Monster: I’m very happy that Tony made a giant donation to the Council, so we could have a mile of the beach all to ourselves, because the press would have a field day over this.

Irondad: lol Pepper would kill me

MamaSpider: where is Pepper??? Haven’t seen her in like forever

Rhodey: she’s v busy in an important meeting

America’s Ass: Tony - why is Pepper not in this chat?

Irondad: oh no

Rhodey: oh no


America’s Ass added Pepper Potts CEO to Avengers Group Chat


Pepper Potts CEO is online


Pepper Potts CEO: You have to be fucking kidding me.

Irondad: Hey Pep, how’s Tokyo

Rhodey: Hi Pepper – hope you’re well!

MamaSpider: Hi Pepper😊

America’s Ass: Hi Pepper!

Pepper Potts CEO: Hi Steve, hey Nat. The biggest meeting of SI this year was going fine thanks Tony, you know as you and Rhodey couldn’t be here because you had ‘important shit going on’ – which apparently translates to a day out at the beach.

Irondad: yeah sorry about that …

Rhodey: really sorry Pepper – Tony made me

Irondad: wow outed by my best mate


Pepper Potts CEO removed herself from the chat


MamaSpider: ooooo you’re in trouble Stark

Irondad: thanks a lot Cap and Rhodey, didn’t ask to be outed like that

America’s Ass: Tony you said that all your work was done!

Rhodey: sorry dude I panicked

Irondad: yeah bc Pepper was doing it – forgiven James but if you do it again im taking the suit back

Rhodey: fairs

Green Rage Monster: smh

MamaSpider: not to change the subject or anything, but Clint is currently choking on a piece of seaweed

Green Rage Monster: I knew there was a reason I brought my first aid kit.

Rhodey: shit!


Green Rage Monster is offline

Rhodey is offline


Irondad: ffs what is my life.

America’s Ass: why is it in his mouth?!

MamaSpider: I’m pretty sure that it was a dare. So… due to the fact that Peter is rolling around in the sand laughing, I can guess it was him that dared Clint to eat it.

Irondad: jfc omw


Irondad is offline


America’s Ass: All I wanted was one day drama free.

MamaSpider: keep dreaming Rogers – there’s a crab on your sandel


MamaSpider: hehehe


America’s Ass is offline

MamaSpider is offline



America’s Ass is online

Irondad is online

Green Rage Monster is online

Metal Arm is online

Rhodey is online

Falcon107 is online


Metal Arm: how long is this going to take

Irondad: how the hell do we know

Rhodey: im so bored

Falcon107: m00d

America’s Ass: I mean the day could have gone better tbh

Irondad: nah I totally wanted to spend 5 hours sitting in the hospital because my dumbass team mate almost died choking on a piece of seaweed


LittleSpider is online

Scarlett Bitch is online

MamaSpider is online


LittleSpider: It was a dare!!!!! He could have said no

Irondad: kid, me and you and going to have a long conversation about appropriate dares and stupid dares

LittleSpider: mr StaRkkkkkkk I said I was sorry

Irondad: smh. Has anyone actually heard about Barton?

MamaSpider: they’re waiting for him to wake up

Scarlett Bitch: from what?

Rhodey: he passed out

Falcon107: omg why

MamaSpider: he doesn’t like seeing needles

America’s Ass: fair enough.

LittleSpider: so did we all have a good day at the beach?:)

Irondad: Apart from Clint almost dying twice – by drowning and then choking, then 9 of us waiting in an overly crowded hospital for 5 hours – wearing nothing but swimming shorts, sandals and t-shirts, sure.

America’s Ass: Yeah…maybe we should wait a bit before another day out, Peter.

Green Rage Monster: Yes, I agree 100% Steve.

MamaSpider: I agree too.

Falcon107: I say next time we go iceskating

Rhodey: sure, sharp iceskates and the avengers on ice – what could go wrong

Scarlett Bitch: xD

LittleSpider: :D

Irondad: what even is my life.


Hawkeye is online


Hawkeye: YO

Irondad: here comes the world’s biggest dumbass finally

MamaSpider: how are you feeling – where are you?

Hawkeye: considering I almost died twice in the past 6 hours, im good. I’m in room 3b on the West Side, waiting for the all clear and then I can go. They said you can all come up.

LittleSpider: im sorry mr barton sir

Hawkeye: it’s fine squirt, I shouldn’t have tried to swallow the seaweed

LittleSpider: you won the dare though!!!

Hawkeye: totally worth almost dying 10/10 would do again. Thanks for emergency cpr Bruciebear

America’s Ass: Clint, I’m glad you’re feeling better – please don’t do anything like that again

Metal Arm: glad you’re ok

Green Rage Monster: glad I could help, please don’t ever call me that again

Falcon107: but the dare was funny

Scarlett Bitch: I mean it was until he stopped breathing

Metal Arm: it was hilarious

Rhodey: ffs

Irondad: great, so now that Legolas isn’t dead, can we go back to the compound

LittleSpider: yeah bc im hungry

Hawkeye: omg same – almost dying really makes you want food

Falcon107: who’s driving then?

Irondad: I’ve got my car – so the rest of us will go back, unless anyone is staying with Barton

America’s Ass: everyone’s shaking their heads at me, so I guess we’re all going back for food then?

Hawkeye: wow thanks everyone, nice to know we’re in this together

MamaSpider: I’ll stay with Clint and get a cab back.

Hawkeye: Nat you’re my favourite <3

MamaSpider: fuck off Clint

Hawkeye: I can feel the love


Hawkeye is offline


Irondad: I’ll get Happy to pick you up in an hour Nat 

MamaSpider: ah great thanks. See you all later then. 


MamaSpider is offline

Everyone is offline

Chapter Text

Everyone is online


(LittleSpider sent pdf file: labfuntimes to the Avengers Chat)

LittleSpider: so someone might have caused an explosion in the lab


Hawkeye: omg wtf is that

MamaSpider: gonna go out on a limb and say it was you

LittleSpider: web fluid!!!! It’s never exploded before!

MamaSpider: I’d run and hide

Rhodey: Kid, when Tony sees this you’re so dead

Scarlett Bitch: very dead

Falcon107: rip Peter

Metal Arm: nice knowing you Kid

America’s Ass: Peter! You know you aren’t allowed in there unsupervised! What did you do?

LittleSpider: I didn’t mean to, Mr Stark had to make an important phone call and said I could stay in the lab by myself!! It was an experimental web fluid and something went wrong☹

Green Rage Monster: how are you going to get rid of that omg

LittleSpider: I’ll clean it up after dinner don’t worry

Irondad: WHAT THE FUCK?!


MamaSpider: admit defeat Peter.

LittleSpider: well I mean it was my fault, but I didn’t mean for it to explode

Irondad: You have approximately 4 seconds to explain before I get a suit on you.

Hawkeye: dad mode activated


MamaSpider: Don’t be too hard on him Tony, I’m sure it was an accident. Everyone meet me in the kitchen in 5 – dinner’s ready

Hawkeye: but I want to watch the showdownnnnnn

MamaSpider: don’t make me ‘accidentally’ stab you again

Hawkeye: :O see you in 5

Hawkeye is offline

MamaSpider is offline


Metal Arm: I can’t watch this omg rip peter

Falcon107: same good luck kid

Scarlett Bitch: it’ll be fine Pete x

Rhodey: Good luck

America’s Ass: good luck Peter.


America’s Ass is offline

Metal Arm is offline

Scarlett Bitch is offline

Rhodey is offline

Falcon107 is offline


Green Rage Monster: Tony, after you’ve killed Peter I need to talk to you about a new design for the gym.

Irondad: Give me a minute with the Kid Bruce. I’ll come to your lab in a bit unless he’s destroyed that in the space of 10 minutes too.


Green Rage Monster is offline


LittleSpider: Ididntmeantomrstarkomgomgmgmoidgnkjnbimsorsorrypleasedonrtkillmeimtooyoungtodieandididntmeantoandimfreakingouttt

Irondad: In English Parker.

LittleSpider: I didn’t mean to mr stark, im really sorry!!!

Irondad: I’ve just read up. So you’re telling me, that I leave you to ‘tinker’ with your web fluid for literally 10 minutes and you promised that you would be fine and now for some reason your web fluid exploded and is all over my lab?

LittleSpider: when you put it like that it sounds really bad omg

Irondad: that’s because it is. Why cant you just spray the anti webbing we worked on last week? The extra strength stuff?

LittleSpider: well you see it wasn’t my normal web fluid, it was experimental web fluid

Irondad: experimental?

LittleSpider: yeah a new ‘recipe’ I’ve cooked up to increase the strength… so fun fact, it doesn’t dissolve – that’s the experimental bit…

Irondad: how the fuck are you meant to get rid of it then

LittleSpider: it’s never exploded before im sorry I know how to get rid of it – I’ll clean it up straight after dinner

Irondad: Damn right. I’m cooking up something too and you’re not going to like it.

LittleSpider: noooooooooo please I’m really really sorry☹

Irondad: god I hate being parental. I have no idea what to do

Irondad: right ok, I call my recipe ‘compound bound’ and it’s fresh out of the oven

LittleSpider: noooooooooooooooo mr starkkkkkk please don’t I’m so sorry

Irondad: God you’re killing me Kid

LittleSpider: I love you Mr Stark and I’m sorry

Irondad: ffs

Irondad: go get some pizza and I’ll see you in a few minutes after I assess the damage

LittleSpider: okiedookie

LittleSpider is offline


Irondad: I’m too soft with him

Irondad: love you too Kiddo


*Irondad deleted 23 messages from Avengers Chat*



Irondad: omg how did it get INSIDE the sink

Irondad: it’s very sticky

Irondad: ohofnosdfndfhdisukghdlkjfl bisfdoxcjvn nfedckzjbfkd

Irondad: shit I tripped

Irondad: I’m stuck

Irondad: ffs I hate my life

Irondad: wait how the fuck do I get rid of this?

Irondad: I’m going to kill the kid istg

Irondad: okay so blaster, hammer, saw and antiwebbing fluid doesn’t do anything

Irondad: fml


LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: hey Mr Stark, Friday just told me that you were in distress and needed help? She said that I would probably be the only one able to help you for some reason? Thought I’d just message you - where are you? We’re all eating Dinner, then I’m going to go and clean up the lab…sorry again lol

Irondad: read up

LittleSpider: OooH sHiT

LittleSpider: omw hahahaha

Irondad: stop laughing and get over here and get me out

LittleSpider: what did you try to get out of it?!

Irondad: a suit blaster, saw, hammer, antiwebbing spray – the usual

LittleSpider: didn’t you try pineapple juice?

Irondad: im sorry what

LittleSpider: oh yeah I was just going to use some pineapple juice to get rid of it – yano bc of the high acidic content – it’s strong enough to burn through it at full concentrate

Irondad: so if someone wants to end you, all they have to do is throw a pineapple at you

LittleSpider: nooooo it has to be at like a stupidly high concentrate and then I’d have to add some more chemicals to make it strong enough – that’s how I always get rid of the web malfunctions

Irondad: so this has happened before

Irondad: why didn’t you fucking tell me how to get rid of it

LittleSpider: you didn’t ask!

LittleSpider: well it’s never exploded before, it’s just kind of oozed … once or twice

LittleSpider: ok 23 times – but only like 4 here – I made Friday not tell you im sorry

Irondad: is that why it smelt like pineapples all those times???? I thought I’d just drunk pineapple booze omfg

LittleSpider: hahahaha yep that was me clearing up when you’d fallen asleep by your desk sorry although tbf I thought you’d have figured it out

Irondad: you used my own AI against me how could you do this I thought we were friends Parker

LittleSpider: im sorrehhhhhh

Irondad: just get over here now and stop laughing at me through the fucking lab window

LittleSpider: now’s probably not the best time to tell you that Clint just ate your pizza slices

Irondad: ffs just get me out of your freaky overly sticky webbing now, im cramping up

LittleSpider: on it like a car bonnet


Irondad is offline

LittleSpider is offline


LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: hey can someone please go and buy me some pineapple juice – I didn’t check if we had any earlier and it turns out that I drank the rest of it last week and mr stark is stuck in my webbing


Everyone is online

Hawkeye: why cant you go

LittleSpider: bc I’m hiding as mr stark is threatening death upon me

Falcon107: omfg

America’s Ass: Peter, it’s Sunday and all the shops are closed

LittleSpider: oH sHiT


Metal Arm: lol that’s funny

MamaSpider: living here is a nightmare.

Scarlett Bitch: I feel that

Green Rage Monster: same

Hawkeye: hey Pete I have a few cartons in my room hang on I’ll drop them into the Vent above Stark’s lab for you gimme a few mins

LittleSpider: why do you have pineapple juice in your room and not the fridge

MamaSpider: I’m pretty sure at this point it’s a medical condition

Green Rage Monster: ???

LittleSpider: no judgement I also like drinking pineapple juice – which is why there isn’t any in the fridge apparently

Hawkeye: I love pineapple juice and I like having it near me incase I want a drink ok I didn’t come here to be attacked jeez

Scarlett Bitch: fairs

Rhodey: this got weird quick

Metal Arm: but the dissolving of web fluid with pineapple juice is normal right?

Falcon107: omg ahahaha

America’s Ass: Tony when you have a few minutes I think we should re-discuss Peter’s lab privileges, because after this, I don’t think it’s safe for him to be alone in there.

Irondad: yeah his first time alone for 10 minutes in there could have gone better. I agree. I’ll see you when I’m not covered in webs Capsicle

LittleSpider: well that cant be good


Everyone is offline


LittleSpider is online

Hawkeye is online

MamaSpider is online

Irondad is online


LittleSpider: news update mr stark is alive and out of my webbing, he also told me to tell you that from now on I am not to be trusted in the lab without him and pineapple juice on hand – although in my defence I usually only go in with mr stark anyway (apart from 10 minutes today) and I’d forgotten that I’d drunk the last carton in the fridge. Thanks for your help Clint!!!:)

Irondad: yeah thanks Katniss, but we’re going to talk about you eating my double pepperoni pizza slices

Hawkeye: oooooo look at the time bye


Hawkeye is offline


LittleSpider: wanna watch starwars mr stark?

Irondad: shut up and get your butt back in the lab – I want to finish your webbing

LittleSpider: ;D omw!!!!!

Irondad is offline

LittleSpider is offline


MamaSpider: … guess I’ll just go then.


MamaSpider is offline


Chapter Text

Green Rage Monster is online


Green Rage Monster: I’m looking out of the window and am just wondering why Sam is being chased by Peter, Bucky and Clint in the garden?


LittleSpider is online




America’s Ass is online

Metal Arm is online

Scarlett Bitch is online

Rhodey is online

Irondad is online

Hawkeye is online



America’s Ass: smh

Irondad: woah Kid chill out – what’s going on?





LittleSpider is offline

Falcon107 is online






Scarlett Bitch: istg this family is so weird

America’s Ass: I don’t even think I want to know at this point. Please try to refrain from killing each other.


America’s Ass is offline


Scarlett Bitch: haha Steve isn’t dealing with your guys shit today


Falcon107: rgnsdxjnrfv iowsldvedfdjlkjlifjaep


Metal Arm is offline

Falcon107 is offline


Irondad: wtf is going on someone tell me now

Scarlett Bitch: honestly I have no idea at this point but I’m pretty sure that Sam just died

Green Rage Monster: They’ve chased him up a tree



Hawkeye is offline


Rhodey: guys I’m in a meeting and my phone is going crazy – stfu


Rhodey is offline


MamaSpider is online


MamaSpider: Why is my phone having a seizure – I’m busy

Irondad: none of us have any idea wtf is going on apart from the fact that Sam has been chased up a tree

MamaSpider: hang on I’ll find out

MamaSpider: They were playing Mario kart and Sam won, then Peter and Clint came 6th and 9th respectively. Sam was losing but he turned into a bullet and got first place, so in their eyes he cheated as he won via default. Now they have chased him up a tree and want to ‘kick his ass’.

Irondad: do you just know everything

MamaSpider: pretty much yeah.

Green Rage Monster: she literally has open 3 tabs about the latest government conversations on her laptop atm

MamaSpider: yup

Irondad: okay how the fuck did you figure all that out in like a minute

MamaSpider: I walked into the living room and saw that they were playing Mario kart – then looked at their rankings and it’s pretty obvious what happened as the animation of Sam on the screen keeps turning into a bullet. Also, the fact that Barton and Peter called him ‘Bulletbrain’ and Barnes said ‘not so big without all your bananas and bullets are you’ – kind of gives it away

Irondad: so just to recap

Irondad: they were playing Mario kart and Sam won by using a bullet box – and now they’ve chased him up a tree and are being sore losers?

MamaSpider: I can’t believe you didn’t figure it out tbh

Scarlett Bitch: we aren’t all superspys like you Natasha

MamaSpider: I’m surrounded by idiots

Irondad: wow rude

Scarlett Bitch: haters will be haters

Green Rage Monster: okay update: Sam is unconscious after falling out of the tree and the others have left the garden – presumably to play a new game without him

MamaSpider: ok

MamaSpider: btw how do we all feel about a government intelligence mission?? There’s some sketchy shit going on here

Scarlett Bitch: no way omg as if

Irondad: omfg why - don’t hack into government records Romanoff

MamaSpider: bold of you to assume that I haven’t been for the past decade

Irondad: I don’t want to be arrested stop

Green Rage Monster: I mean whenever I see her on a pc she’s always doing spy stuff

MamaSpider: just downloaded the latest intel and sent it to Fury

Irondad: don’t mention that pirate dickhead to me

Scarlett Bitch: omg ahahaha

Green Rage Monster: okay anyway … Thor’s coming back tomorrow right?

Scarlett Bitch: yep

MamaSpider: according to this, he was last seen on a street in the middle of the city about 34 minutes ago, with a woman with brown hair.

Irondad: jfc stop hacking into government networks and databases omg

MamaSpider: it’s fun

Irondad: it’s illegal

MamaSpider: says the man who hacked into the nuclear base codes at age 13


MamaSpider: see its fun

Scarlett Bitch: In other news, Peter’s just come into training room B screaming and climbed up into the vent – followed by Clint who is looking murderous


America’s Ass is online


America’s Ass: Tony we might need to get rid of Mario Kart

Irondad: nah they’re all fine

America’s Ass: Quick question then … has anyone bothered to go and find Sam

Green Rage Monster: shit I forgot - I’m on it

Scarlett Bitch: omg ahaha

MamaSpider: crap

Irondad: oops


Green Rage Monster is offline


LittleSpider is online

Hawkeye is online


LittleSpider: hehehehe

Hawkeye: When I find you I will end you

LittleSpider: I’m hidden ahahaha good luck mate

Hawkeye: Kid I literally spend all my spare time in these vents

MamaSpider: that’s true

Scarlett Bitch: why are you chasing Peter anyway

Hawkeye: bc he needs to be taken down a few pegs



Metal Arm is online


Metal Arm: I literally left to get a glass of lemonade and came back to an empty room and screaming from the vents wtaf is going on I thought we had finished the game

LittleSpider: me and clint wanted a quick game together and he’s mad bc I won on pure talent

Hawkeye: no way was that on talent alone you’ve hacked the game

LittleSpider: no I didn’t omg im just too cool for you

Hawkeye: You’re so cool that I can see your feet sticking out


MamaSpider: Barton don’t kill the Kid

Scarlett Bitch: I’m pretty sure he’s already killed him

Irondad: it’s literally 10am and I need a drink

America’s Ass: drinking isn’t the answer, but yeah get me one too


Everyone is offline


Falcon107 is online


Falcon107: I'm never playing that game again. Screw you all.


 Falcon107 is offline







Chapter Text

Irondad is online


Irondad: who the holy fuck gave Capsicle and the icequeen light up Harry Potter wands


MamaSpider is online


MamaSpider: gonna take a wild guess and say your Kid

Irondad: for the last time he’s not my kid

MamaSpider: take a look at your username Stark, you aren’t kidding anyone

Irondad: omg you’re right


Rhodey is online


Rhodey: anyone want to clue me in on why Tony is crying in a ball on the floor and Steve and Bucky are playing with wands?


LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: I just walked into the living room and Mr Stark wont stop hugging me and ngl I like it but im kinda confused

MamaSpider: Pete, did you give Cap and Barnes the wands?

LittleSpider: yeah…

MamaSpider: knew it. Just out of curiosity – why?

LittleSpider: they’d just finished the Harry Potter books and they wondered what it would be like to actually be magic – so I let them have my light up wands for a bit


Scarlett Bitch is online


Scarlett Bitch: well this explains why Barnes has just run into the kitchen and whacked me on the head and shouted expelliarmus

LittleSpider: ahahaha

Rhodey: Tony stopped crying and has just said he’d give his life for his only son

LittleSpider: OMFG IM CRYING

MamaSpider: jfc what is going on

Scarlett Bitch: aw about time! Are you ok Pete?


Irondad: love you kid

LittleSpider: love you mr Dad

Scarlett Bitch: omg that’s adorable

Rhodey: I’M AN UNCLE

LittleSpider: Uncle Rhodey<3

MamaSpider: ha I was already Auntie Nat 😉

LittleSpider: love you Spidermom xx


Falcon107 is online


Falcon107: I’ve just walked into the living room, why are Tony, Nat, Peter and Rhodey hugging each other crying on the floor in a ball and Steve and Barnes are fighting each other with light up wands

Scarlett Bitch: read up

Falcon107: awh that’s so damn cute - about time!

MamaSpider: ok I’m fine now

LittleSpider: <3


LittleSpider changed the name ‘MamaSpider’ to ‘Spidermom’


Spidermom: Kid I can’t even <3

Scarlett Bitch: awwwww you made Nat cry again!

Irondad: Kid you’re too adorable

LittleSpider: xoxo

Spidermom: okay we never speak of this again, I have a reputation to uphold. Also I’m kinda worried

Rhodey: what’s up Nat

Falcon107: ???

MamaSpider: clint hasn’t said anything the whole time

LittleSpider: oh that’s bc he’s running around wearing a black tablecloth as a cape in the kitchen bc he’s being you know who

Irondad: who?

Scarlett Bitch: omg no its just you know who HAHAHA

Falcon107: NO – you know who from harry potter

Irondad: I don’t know who – that’s why im asking who

LittleSpider: it’s you know who not who

Spidermom: god im confused


America’s Ass is online

Metal Arm is online


Irondad: good duel, Cap? Elsa? It’s been like an hour…

America’s Ass: thank you for the wands Peter!!! Well Tony, we had a great time until Bucky hit himself in the eye and we had to take him to see Bruce in the medbay

LittleSpider: omfg you are welcome

Metal Arm: I avada kedava’d the shit out of Clint

Spidermom: where is he

America’s Ass: we hung him for his crimes

LittleSpider: woah shit what?!

Metal Arm: nah joking squirt, we just tied him up in training room A

Irondad: not again

Falcon107: someone go and get him omg

LittleSpider: I’ll go!!!


LittleSpider is offline


Green Rage Monster is online


Green Rage Monster: Wow ok so I missed a lot. As much fun as reading all that was, Thor’s ship just landed and we’re both coming up in the elevator

Irondad: great, we’re all watching TV in the living room now

Green Rage Monster: all?

Irondad: yep. Me, Wanda, Nat, Cap, Barnes, the Kid, Clint, Rhodey and Sam.

Green Rage Monster: Ah ok cool.


Everyone is offline


Pointbreak is online


Pointbreak: Hello friends! I am back!

Irondad: Thor we’ve just been talking for like the past 20 minutes and we are literally sitting opposite you why can’t you just talk to us in person

Pointbreak: I like using this method of communication Man of Iron.

Irondad: right okay then, we’re having takeout – what do you all want

LittleSpider: THAI

Hawkeye: THAI

Falcon107: Not sure

America’s Ass: Whatever’s easiest for everyone.

Hawkeye: CHINESE

Metal Arm: Maybe Burgers?

Hawkeye: oh I love burgers

America’s Ass: sounds good to me.

Falcon107: burger for me :D

Pointbreak: I could eat a few burgers with that yellow square of melted goodness

LittleSpider: you mean with cheese Thor?

Pointbreak: Ah yes, well done Boy of Spiders

LittleSpider: it’s spider MAN smh

Scarlett Bitch: I’d like mcdonalds please


LittleSpider: can I have a banana milkshake from mcdonalds too please

Green Rage Monster: Indian?

Rhodey: yes Bruce!


Spidermom: Barton you can’t have Chinese, burgers, thai, mcdonalds and Indian ffs

Irondad: fucking pick one thing Legolas


LittleSpider: story of my life mr Barton

Irondad: I wont order for you unless you pick ONE place, wbu Nat

Spidermom: Thai with the Kid

Irondad: Katniss I’m waiting

Hawkeye: It’s like Sophie’s choice

Irondad: I will literally pick for you if you don’t respond in the next 3 seconds

Hawkeye: Burger

Irondad: right so: Peter and Nat are having Thai; Bruce and Rhodey are having Indian; Pointbreak, Wilson, Capsicle, Bucky and Legolas are having burgers and mindcontrol wants a mcdonalds – but Peter wants a banana milkshake too? Correct?

Spidermom: Yep. What are you having?

Irondad: do you even need to ask

Spidermom: Shawarma?

Irondad: bingo we have a winner




Irondad: right foods here bitches – get your grub and don’t make a mess

Falcon107: wanda stop using your powers I almost got hit in the head with a box of mcnuggets

Metal Arm: sam stop shoving me or else I’ll punch you

Scarlett Bitch: Clint stop trying to eat my fries istg

Irondad: it’s like living in a zoo.

Pointbreak: Why is young boy of Spiders on the ceiling?

America’s Ass: Bruce that’s Tony’s drink – yours is over here by mine

Spidermom: Peter get off the ceiling

LittleSpider: No bc everyones fighting and up here im safe

Spidermom: get down before I make you

LittleSpider: :O ok I’m down

Spidermom: thank you. We can go and eat in the living room Kid.

Irondad: Thor you’re holding your burger upside down and it’s literally falling out everywhere ffs

Pointbreak: you midgardians do not have much in a meal

Rhodey: Dude that’s bc it’s all over the floor

Metal Arm: don’t eat it Clint omg

Hawkeye: why 5 second rule Elsa:P

Spidermom: can you all shut up, me and Peter are trying to watch TV

America’s Ass: Clint give Wanda back her fries

Green Rage Monster: Peter stop turning the TV up

LittleSpider: I can’t hear it!!!

Falcon107: Move your ass over Bucky so I can sit down

Metal Arm: make me birdy

America’s Ass: guys stop – Sam sit over here next to me and Bruce

Irondad: omg Kid stop slurping your milkshake like that it’s gross

LittleSpider: -___-

Spidermom: it’s better than listening to you lot

Metal Arm: aw you didn’t get extra chips Tony

Irondad: you try ordering for 3 master assassins, a supersoldier, a spiderling, a fucking demigod, a mindcontrol witch, a birdman, a guy with breath taking anger management issues and ironman and war machine.


Hawkeye: hahaha

Spidermom: Don’t think I can’t kill you with these chopsticks Barton

Hawkeye: oH sHiT

America’s Ass: Right – now we’re all here with the correct food and minimal casualties - what are we watching?

LittleSpider: DISNEY

Metal Arm: UP

Hawkeye: fucking NO

Scarlett Bitch: what about Ghost?

Pointbreak: there’s ghosts here?

Metal Arm: no it’s a film

Irondad: jfc I hate this family

Spidermom: NCIS?

America’s Ass: We do enough spy stuff daily Nat

Irondad: fucking pick something so we can turn whatever the hell this is off

LittleSpider: It’s bake off Mr Stark!!!!

Scarlett Bitch: I quite like this actually

Irondad: pick something before I kill myself

Rhodey: Hot tub time machine

Green Rage Monster: yes!

Falcon107: Saw

Irondad: no – keep it pg13

LittleSpider: im not a baby!!

Irondad: says the spiderling who wants to watch a Disney film

LittleSpider: you’re mean

Green Rage Monster: not helping your case Pete

Falcon107: xD

Pointbreak: why is young Stark on the ceiling refusing to look at us

Irondad: I give up

Scarlett Bitch: clint sit down omfg I cant see the TV – stop trying to nick my fries before I punch you in the face

America’s Ass: someone pick a film please

Metal Arm: what is going on omg

Spidermom: RIGHT. We are going to watch the Incredibles because it’s about a dysfunctional superhero family like us, so everyone sit down and shut up and eat your meal. Sit down Clint, get off the ceiling Peter and Tony apologise to Peter for calling him names.

Spidermom: Are we all sorted now? Good.

Spidermom: Боже мой


Everyone is offline

Chapter Text


Metal Arm is online

Hawkeye is online

Spidermom is online

Falcon107 is online

America’s Ass is online

Scarlett Bitch is online

Green Rage Monster is online


Falcon107: why is the coffee machine not working again

Hawkeye: IT WASN’T ME

Spidermom: yes it was

Metal Arm: not again ffs

America’s Ass: Clint that’s the fifth time this month.

Hawkeye: it’s not my fault there was so many buttons

Scarlett Bitch: better run before Stark finds out

Green Rage Monster: it’s literally one button Clint, how did you manage to break it

Spidermom: At this point no-one knows

Hawkeye: It wasn’t on purpose – the buttons are so small


LittleSpider is online

Pointbreak is online


LittleSpider: dudes I have a bio test today and im running on like 3 hours sleep – WHY IS THE COFFEE MACHINE NOT WORKING

Spidermom: clint

Metal Arm: clint

Scarlett Bitch: clint

Falcon107: clint

Green Rage Monster: clint

America’s Ass: clint

Hawkeye: wow I didn’t ask to be exposed like this

Pointbreak: I could use Mjölnir if that would help?

Hawkeye: yeah maybe it’ll reboot it


Irondad is online


Irondad: you’ve got to be shitting me Legolas and Thor do not use your hammer in the kitchen – I don’t want to put another electrical fire out at 8 in the goddamn morning again

Hawkeye: pls fix it

Irondad: give me a few minutes


Irondad is offline


LittleSpider: yeye COFFEEEEEEE

Spidermom: finally.

Scarlett Bitch: yeah Nat was getting angsty without her morning caffeine

Spidermom: rude but true


Irondad is online


Hawkeye: thanks Stark

Irondad: don’t break it again or else

Hawkeye: *gulps*

Falcon107: hey Bucky are we off training today?

Metal Arm: bold of you to assume that I’m not already there with Steve

Falcon107: I’ll bring us some coffee – omw

America’s Ass: good luck on your test Pete

LittleSpider: thanks Cap!!

Pointbreak: I shall attend this training session too.



Falcon107 is offline

Pointbreak is offline

Metal Arm is offline

America’s Ass is offline


LittleSpider: alright my dudes happy Wednesday and have a good day – I’m off to schooooool

Spidermom: kid how much coffee have you had?

LittleSpider: like 7 cups

Green Rage Monster: Peter that is way too much coffee

LittleSpider: but my metabolism will burn it off soooooooooon

Green Rage Monster: ah of course. Have a good day. Tony I’m off down to the lab to work on those new protypes

Irondad: ok I’ll be there soon


Green Rage Monster is offline


Spidermom: Kid I’ll drive you to school – meet me at the front door xo

LittleSpider: thanks Auntie Nat!!! xxx

Irondad: good luck on your test kid

LittleSpider: love you mr dad xx

Irondad: Love you too Kiddo <3


LittleSpider is offline


Scarlett Bitch: Tony stop crying jfc

Spidermom: he is literally a full on dad – he just checked Peter’s bag to make sure he had everything

Irondad: stoppppp

Hawkeye: you just asked the Kid if he had his lunch made and he said no, so you’re making it for him

Irondad: I didn’t come here to be attacked

Scarlett Bitch: Who knew Stark had a heart

Irondad: wow ok rude

Spidermom: hahaha – see you all later.


Spidermom is offline


Hawkeye: lmao nat’s a soccermom

Hawkeye: orjfnvckj owlsrjf eihdbfdkbf

Scarlett Bitch: I think clint just had a seizure

Hawkeye: omg she just read that over my shoulder and hit me on the head

Irondad: ahahah karma

Scarlett Bitch: lmao

Irondad: See you all at lunch – I’m off down to the lab to test out some new blasters


Irondad is offline


Hawkeye: wanna go and spy on him?

Scarlett Bitch: obviously


Hawkeye is offline

Scarlett Bitch is offline


LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: look it’s fine honestly Ned I’m used to it, it’s just a black eye and it’ll be healed in a few hours – I’ve dealt with this since I was like 12. Anyway that bio test went great!!


Irondad is online


Irondad: Peter wtaf

LittleSpider:  oH sHiT wrong chat

Irondad: Why have you got a black eye

LittleSpider: it’s fine I was just joking loooooool it’s a funny joke me and Ned have

Irondad: Right I’m getting the team.

LittleSpider: nO


America’s Ass is online

Spidermom is online

Hawkeye is online

Rhodey is online

Scarlett Bitch is online

Green Rage Monster is online

Metal Arm is online

Pointbreak is online

Falcon107 is online


Metal Arm: Spill. Now.

Spidermom: Who did that to you Kid?

Hawkeye: Who are we killing

Pointbreak: I’m not sure but I’m ready for a fight.

Falcon107: me too

Rhodey: me too

America’s Ass: Peter, tell us now please. This is very serious.

LittleSpider: guys really it’s fine I can handle it – please don’t kill him

Green Rage Monster: is that why you had a black eye a few weeks ago too?!

Scarlett Bitch: Pete, tell us, we care about you!

Irondad: him????? Who is he Kid, tell me or I will get a suit and fly down there now

LittleSpider: yeah Dr Banner but it’s fine, he’s no-one, just a guy who gives me crap sometimes but I can deal with it promise

Rhodey: nah man, you shouldn’t have to be dealing with that shit

America’s Ass: Give us a name Peter, now.

Irondad: Peter – tell us NOW.

LittleSpider: flash

Falcon107: who the fuck is called flash

Pointbreak: Isn’t that a cleaning product?

Green Rage Monster: omg haha

Scarlett Bitch: lol

Metal Arm: who is he Peter?

Hawkeye: Nat??

LittleSpider: oh no

Spidermom: Eugene ‘Flash’ Thompson is age 14 and is in Peter’s Class. He is an average student – who pretends that he lives a lavish lifestyle. His social media pages show false pictures – mostly taken from google images of a posh house and other luxuries – which he does not own, as his address is a flat in Queens. His social media pages are as follows:

He has a 3.5 gpa and has been suspended from school 4 times since age 12 for verbal and physical abuse. He is basically a dick who needs to be taken down a few pegs.

Scarlett Bitch: Nat you’re so scary            

LittleSpider: this is why I didn’t say anything ffs

Irondad: Sorry Kid, but this is serious.

America’s Ass: who isn’t around this afternoon?

Rhodey: Me, Sam and Thor are in a meeting now actually – give him hell from us Cap.


Rhodey is offline

Pointbreak is offline

Falcon107 is offline


Green Rage Monster: don’t think it would be wise for the hulk to make an appearance at a high school – so I’ll sit this one out


Green Rage Monster is offline


America’s Ass: Nat, Clint, Bucky, Tony, Wanda – fancy taking a trip this afternoon??

Spidermom: bold of you to assume that me and Clint aren’t already on our way

Metal Arm: haha

LittleSpider: oh god please don’t murder him

Irondad: Cap we’ll take my car

America’s Ass: okay Tony. Peter, we just want a nice little chat with Eugene.

LittleSpider: fml


LittleSpider is offline




Hawkeye: which one is flash

Spidermom: the one with that weirdass haircut

America’s Ass: right, no weapons, no assault, just a nice little chat

Spidermom: bold of you to assume I don’t carry weapons around

Irondad: Nat we aren’t here to kill anyone – unless he really pisses us off

America’s Ass: Tony.

Irondad: fine. No killing anyone, but I can ruin his chances for MIT

Metal Arm: I can see Peter

Scarlett Bitch: Flash is trying to get over to him

America’s Ass: right team, move out




Irondad: I think that that went well

America’s Ass: Tony, we got forcibly removed off the premises

Spidermom: yeah but flash won’t go near Peter again

Hawkeye: I wasn’t even aiming for the Kid’s face

Metal Arm: Clint you threw a rock at Flash’s head

Hawkeye: I was aiming over his head – it was to scare him

Scarlett Bitch: yeah only when he refused to leave Peter alone

Spidermom: it didn’t even hit the kid

America’s Ass: yes luckily but he could have been injured if you’d missed!

Hawkeye: dude I’m Hawkeye it wouldn’t have missed

Spidermom: yeah he’s never missed

Scarlett Bitch: did you see Peter’s smile when Flash wet himself in front of everyone?:)

Irondad: It made it all worth it😊


LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: You guys are the best, love you all <3

Irondad: I know, but if you ever hide anything like this again then you are so grounded.

LittleSpider: fairs – that video from your lunchtime visit has gone viral of Flash wetting himself xD

America’s Ass: 😊 He messes with you, he messes with us. See you later Kiddo

Scarlett Bitch: Love you Peter x

Metal Arm: cya pete

Spidermom: Love you маленький паук

Hawkeye: don’t be afraid to throw rocks at him if he even looks at you funny

America’s Ass: No Clint

LittleSpider: lmao

LittleSpider: shit my science teacher is coming over – see you all later!

Irondad: see you after school Kid x


Everyone is offline

Chapter Text


America’s Ass is online


America’s Ass: Bunker one is down – who’s still out on the field? I need some back up over here


Spidermom is online

Metal Arm is online

Hawkeye is online


Spidermom: omw

Metal Arm: someone take out that bunker near Banner

Hawkeye: on it

Hawkeye: ha – they didn’t even see that arrow coming


Irondad is online


Irondad: why the fuck are you texting in the middle of a mission?!! Just talk over the coms

America’s Ass: I got hit and it flew off somewhere, so this is the only way I can communicate with everyone

Irondad: ffs why is everyone else texting?!

Hawkeye: I’m bored

Metal Arm: yep same

Irondad: we’re literally in the middle of taking over a Hydra base wtaf

Hawkeye: bold of you to assume that I can’t text the group chat and take out a hydra base at the same time

Spidermom: Behind you Rogers

America’s Ass: shit – you’ve got incoming on your right Bucky

Metal Arm: hang on – I’ve almost finished this level on Candycrush

Irondad: you’ve got to be shitting me

Spidermom: get your ass over here Barnes

Hawkeye: what level are you on

Metal Arm: hqmg pn

Irondad: please don’t tell me that you’re on your phone and fighting at the same time Elsa

Hawkeye: that’s exactly what he’s doing and it’s awesome

America’s Ass: so I look over and Bucky is shooting with one hand and is playing a game on his phone in the other – jfc

Irondad: … I have no words – Cap you’ve got snipers on your left

Metal Arm: level 342 – only started playing it last week Clint lol

Spidermom: I prefer Angry Birds

Hawkeye: oh yeah that’s good actually what level are you on Nat?

Spidermom: hanj on

Metal Arm: ok did anyone else see Banner throw a fucking motorbike up at the snipers near Cap – that was awesome

Hawkeye: damn it – please tell me that someone recorded that

Irondad: jfc – Barton no-one is videoing us fighting Hydra


Metal Arm sent a video file to Avengers Group Chat


Irondad: are you shitting me right now Elsa

Hawkeye: oh shit look at that explosion!!! That was so cool

Hawkeye: Nat you’ve got 3 hydra dickheads on your tail

Spidermom: I’m on level 74 - watch this Barton

America’s Ass: ground floor is cleared and so are the top levels – Barton get up to the 2nd floor

Metal Arm: wow that was epic

Irondad: ??? I’m horrified reading this – turn your phones off and put your coms back on ffs

America’s Ass: Natasha just took 3 hydra guards out with her bare hands

Hawkeye: badass – ok Cap

Spidermom: Barton – defuse that bomb to your left

Hawkeye: shit

Spidermom: Those boys need to learn some new moves😉

Metal Arm: texting is more fun Stark

Irondad: I’m going to scale the perimeter and Cap – I need you to cover me

America’s Ass: hanh on In a litrle budsy jere

Irondad: Hawkeye??

Hawkeye: on it

Spidermom: someone sort Banner out – he’s run off smashing random shit

America’s Ass: Tony – distract Hulk and get him into the base

Irondad: stupid green dickhead keeps throwing shit at me

Irondad: owrnisd jpwgrd fiodf

Metal Arm: I assume Stark’s dead

Hawkeye: Hulk’s laughing ahahaha – that’s going to be my Christmas card for this year

Spidermom: what just happened?

America’s Ass: Barton is taking pictures

Hawkeye: I’ll post them later on guys

Irondad: Banner just fucking threw a tree at me

America’s Ass: Bucky are you inside? Tony cover me and Banner

Irondad: I’m pretty sure I have internal bleeding but ok

Spidermom: Clint – get over here and help me, stop taking pictures ffs

America’s Ass: Where the fuck is Bucky?

Irondad: watch your language!

Spidermom: lmfao

Hawkeye: omg hahahaha

America’s Ass: guys that was literally 5 years ago – stfu

Irondad: has anyone got eyes on Barnes?

Spidermom: no – but Banner is taking out the last bunker and then we’re clear out front

Metal Arm: sorry I was stuck on a level on candycrush

Hawkeye: fairs where are you

Metal Arm: eating a sandwich inside the base

Hawkeye: omw

Irondad: what the fuck

America’s Ass: oh yeah I see you – is there any cheese left?

Metal Arm: I took all the guards out who were inside like 5 minutes ago and got bored waiting for you lot, yeah there’s ham and tuna too

Hawkeye: for criminals - they make a good ham and cheese sandwich

Irondad: there you all are. Fuck it, pass me a tuna Legolas

Spidermom: is there any water – I’m parched

Irondad: Nat get down from the fucking wall you aren’t an actual spider

Spidermom: it was easier getting inside this way than walking all the way around

America’s Ass: good work guys – that’s the third base this month – Fury will be pleased

Irondad: don’t mention that pirate dickhead to me

Hawkeye: hahahaha

Spidermom: where’s Banner?

Irondad: last I saw he was throwing trees at me – I’m also pretty sure that I have a hernia or some form of kidney damage

Metal Arm: I see him – he’s not the hulk anymore, Bruce is waiting by the Quinjet – look

America’s Ass: great, let’s move out then.

Hawkeye: guys look at my Christmas card for this year – it’s hulk laughing ahaha


Hawkeye sent a jpeg image to Avengers Group Chat


Spidermom: wow that’s a really good picture

Metal Arm: saved ahaha

Hawkeye: aw look – I got a picture of Nat snapping someone’s neck!

Spidermom: send me it – I want it as my pp


Hawkeye sent a jpeg image to Avengers Group Chat

America’s Ass: god I’m tired now

Metal Arm: who the hell decided that ice blocks were a good idea

Spidermom: lol candycrush sucks

Hawkeye: um excuse you – what level are you on now Bucky

Metal Arm: stuck on 348 now

Irondad: stop fucking texting each other and playing candy crush and get on the jet!


Everyone is offline

Chapter Text

Pointbreak is online




Irondad is online

Spidermom is online

Green Rage Monster is online

Rhodey is online

America’s Ass is online

Falcon107 is online

Hawkeye is online


Irondad: Caps lock Thor

Pointbreak: Ah these phones have very small buttons, my apologies.

Spidermom: Tony why is your Kid on the ceiling

Irondad: He’s studying for finals

America’s Ass: can’t he study in his room?

Falcon107: no he said that someone decided to let off a slime bomb in it earlier

Irondad: wtaf

Hawkeye: oops my fault

Spidermom: what did I say about that Barton ffs

Hawkeye: yeah I didn’t listen sorry not sorry Tasha

Green Rage Monster: who’s winning??

America’s Ass: at what? Life?

Spidermom: Steve ahahaha no, it’s a stupid contest they’re doing.

Rhodey: ok I’m confused

Pointbreak: I do not understand what is happening.

Falcon107: what the actual holy fuck is going on right now

Irondad: Bruce or Nat, care to clue the rest of us in?

Green Rage Monster: Peter swapped Clint’s toothpaste for whipped cream yesterday – just for fun, and Clint took it as a challenge, so now they are in the middle of a very intense prank war.

Rhodey: omg so what pranks have they done so far?

Spidermom: the toothpaste to whipped cream one that started it all off, then Clint swapped Peters shampoo for strawberry jelly, and then this morning, Peter woke Clint up by webbing him from the ceiling

Hawkeye: yeah and I was fucking stuck for like an hour before Nat found me

Spidermom: it was funny though

Irondad: so in retaliation Legolas, you thought that it was a smart idea to set off a slime bomb in the kid’s room, to prevent him from studying from finals – which will decide his future career? Nat – you knew about this?!

Spidermom: I told him not to do it!

Hawkeye: never said smart, it was genius

Falcon107: omg I’ve just gone to Peter’s room to have a look and the slime is literally everywhere

Irondad: clean it up now Katniss

America’s Ass: Barton, that was really irresponsible – go and clean it up, so Peter can study.

Hawkeye: fuck off that stuff isn’t coming off anytime soon

Spidermom: get scrubbing Cinderella

Hawkeye: fml


Hawkeye is offline


Scarlett Bitch is online

Metal Arm is online


Scarlett Bitch: Went to get a snack and Peter is on the fucking ceiling and I almost killed him – why is he on the ceiling and why is Bucky baking

Irondad: read up and I have no idea – I didn’t know that Elsa could bake

Metal Arm: Kid wanted a snack so I’m baking him revision cookies ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Spidermom: aw that’s cute af

Scarlett Bitch: you’re so sweet Bucky!

Irondad: what makes them revision cookies tho

Spidermom: stfu Tony

Metal Arm: he will be revising when he eats them = revision cookies

Irondad: fair enough. Save me one and don’t wreck my kitchen

America’s Ass: That’s so thoughtful Buck.

Falcon107: save me one

Pointbreak: I would like a cookie of revision please.

Rhodey: they smell great actually – why did I not know that Bucky could bake?

Metal Arm: they’re in the oven now – will be ready in like 15 mins. I’m off to get a quick shower.


Metal Arm is offline


Rhodey: in other news, Fury wants to talk to us all this afternoon about a potential mission. It’ll be held in the conference room.

America’s Ass: Oh yeah I’ve just got an email about it

Scarlett Bitch: ok

Green Rage Monster: Someone tell Friday to call me when it’s about to start – I’m off to the lab.


Green Rage Monster is offline


Irondad: I’m not going, I’m busy whenever it is.

America’s Ass: Tony.

Spidermom: here we go.

Irondad: I’m not talking to that pirate dickhead

Rhodey: why not?

Spidermom: they hate each other rn

Falcon107: why??

Pointbreak: Fury is a pirate? I always knew that there was something about him that I didn’t like.

Spidermom: ffs – Fury isn’t a pirate Thor. He’s just annoying and Tony is avoiding him

Scarlett Bitch: why

Irondad: he wanted me to make an appearance at his niece’s bday and I forgot

Spidermom: so now Tony is avoiding him and Fury said that he will kick his ass the next time he sees him

Irondad: in conclusion, I’m not going to the meeting, he can fax me

America’s Ass: you don’t have a fax machine Tony

Irondad: exactly.

Rhodey: Tony he wants us all there – apart from the Kid. You have to go.

Irondad: I’m busy

Rhodey: I haven’t even told you what time it starts

Irondad: It’s just me that’s busy, I’m always busy

Spidermom: says the guy who is sprawled on the couch eating Cheetos

Irondad: Wow thanks for that Romanoff

Spidermom: no problem, but you’re going to the meeting Stark

Irondad: no I’m fucking not, Fury stresses me out

America’s Ass: he stresses us all out, but we need you there Tony.

Falcon107: yeah if we have to suffer then so do you.

Irondad: I am not fucking going.

Rhodey: don’t make me get the Boss

Irondad: you wouldn’t fucking dare

Rhodey: wouldn’t I?


Rhodey added Pepper Potts CEO to Avengers Group Chat


Pepper Potts CEO is online


Pepper Potts CEO: Jfc not this again, what do you morons want?

Rhodey: Tony is refusing to attend a mission briefing with Fury this afternoon, thought you could help us Pepper?

Irondad: Wow didn’t ask to be exposed by my ‘best friend’

Scarlett Bitch: hahahahaha anyone else find it hilarious how Pepper is ‘the Boss’

Falcon107: lmfao

Pointbreak: that is quite amusing, but why is Tony sweating profusely now?

Spidermom: Hi Pepper, are we still on for spa day tomorrow?

Pepper Potts CEO: Tony, grow up. If you do not attend the meeting, then I will find out 😊

Pepper Potts CEO: Also, Hi Nat! Yes of course – I’m really looking forward to it. I’ll pick you up at 11! Xo

Spidermom: sounds good x

Irondad: What time is the meeting Capsicle

America’s Ass: not sure – the email doesn’t say. Rhodey?

Rhodey: 7pm – Fury's just messaged me

Irondad: ffs I’m going to miss bake off

Pepper Potts CEO:

Irondad: which is fine bc I can watch it on catch up … love you Pep xx


Pepper Potts CEO is offline


Spidermom: God I love Pepper.

America’s Ass: That woman is definitely the boss. I’ve never seen anyone mess with Pepper.

Scarlett Bitch: That was fucking savage omg ! In other news, Barnes has just said to me that the cookies are ready!

Falcon107: omw


Scarlett Bitch is offline

Falcon107 is offline


Metal Arm is online


Metal Arm: Cookies are ready, one each as they’re for the Kid.


Metal Arm is offline

Pointbreak is offline

Rhodey is offline


Spidermom: so the Kid hasn’t realised that I can see him, but he is doing a not so subtle potty dance on the ceiling

Irondad: not surprised, he’s been revising for the last 5 hours non stop – thought he’d have stopped by now tbh

America’s Ass: he’s just stressed and really wants to do well. Someone tell him to take a break and get some revision cookies though

Spidermom: on it, see you later boys.


Spidermom is offline


Irondad: I’m going to go get a cookie and then kill myself before the meeting starts

America’s Ass: You better be there Tony.

Irondad: If I haven’t achieved death, then yes.

America’s Ass: I’ll get Pepper.

Irondad: Like I said, I will definitely be there.


America’s Ass is offline

Irondad is offline


Hawkeye is online


Hawkeye: so I finally get the Kid’s room clean and come back to no revision cookies and on top of that, now I have to go to a fucking meeting with everyone?! Great. Just great. FML


Hawkeye is offline


Chapter Text

Everyone is online

LittleSpider is offline


Pepper Potts CEO: Alright, who hid Fury’s papers for the meeting?

Spidermom: I’m pretty sure we know who it was

Rhodey: yeah, who was the one person who didn’t want to come to the meeting?

Falcon107: Stark give them back – none of us want to be here man

America’s Ass: Tony, come on. The quicker we get this over with, the quicker you can go and watch TV.

Green Rage Monster: We are all here, Fury is frantically searching through drawers for the papers and you’re the only one who looks somewhat amused Tony.

Pointbreak: I grow tired of your games Stark. Pass the papers and all shall be forgiven.

Irondad: wow, you’ll all be super surprised to know that it wasn’t me, so stfu

Hawkeye: if it wasn’t you, then who was it?

Irondad: the fuck should I know, I’m sat next to you Legolas

Spidermom: then why do you look so amused?

Irondad: bc it’s funny that he can’t find the papers

Falcon107: anyone else hear that?

Metal Arm: yeah like a thwip?

Scarlett Bitch: who moved my coffee ffs

Pointbreak: I think we have an intruder friends, shall I alert Fury?

Hawkeye: no bc otherwise he’ll yell at us for texting in the middle of a meeting

Rhodey: someone find the papers now iswtg

Green Rage Monster: you’d think he had spare copies though

Pepper Potts CEO: yes, he did and all spare copies are also missing Bruce – were you not listening when he started yelling earlier and proceeded to demolish the conference room?

Hawkeye: ahahaha savage Pepper

Pepper Potts CEO: Piss off Clint.

Hawkeye: Yes Ma’am

Rhodey: I don’t understand how 4 versions of the meetings papers have gone missing? Someone knows where they are. I literally saw them before we all sat down, so ya’ll better start talking.

Scarlett Bitch: whoever nicked my coffee has a death wish

Falcon107: lmao true tho

Hawkeye: look whoever nicked the papers and coffee – just put them back and we won’t kill u

Scarlett Bitch: Did anyone hear that?

Metal Arm: Yeah I did – heard it a few minutes ago too, sounds familiar …

America’s Ass: I’m pretty sure that vein on the top of Fury’s head is going to pop soon – he’s almost finished looking through all the drawers now


LittleSpider is online


Spidermom: Tony, why the fuck is Peter on the ceiling holding Fury’s papers and Wanda’s coffee

Irondad: told you it wasn’t me

Scarlett Bitch: are you serious omfg – give me my coffee back Parker

LittleSpider: Mr Stark made me!!! He said he’d ground me if I didn’t get him out of the meeting!!!

Irondad: Exposed by my own kid – wow.

Pointbreak: I thought that you were not biologically compatible? Have I missed the DNA testing? I would have brought you a gift, had I known.

Pepper Potts CEO: You’ve got to be joking Tony. This was so irresponsible – I could honestly kill you rn. Get him down now. Thor they are not related and Peter you are not grounded.

Spidermom: Tony you’re worse than the Kid.

Irondad: Didn’t come here to be attacked Nat

Spidermom: Peter get down now.

LittleSpider: I can’t! I’m too scared that Mr Stark will kill me

Pepper Potts CEO: Peter, this is non-negotiable. Get down. Tony will not kill you, because I will have already murdered him for being a complete dick.

America’s Ass: Someone get Peter down and out of here before Fury sees him – he isn’t allowed in these meetings yet, until finals are over.

Hawkeye: on it

Spidermom: Barton stop throwing paperclips at Peter’s head

Hawkeye: how else am I meant to get him down without Fury noticing?!

Pepper Potts CEO: Do I have to do everything?

Irondad: Sorry Pep – we thought that it would be funny xx

Pepper Potts CEO: Honestly Tony, you’re worse than the Kid. I’ll distract Fury and you lot get Peter out of here and get the papers on the table before he turns around.



America’s Ass: I mean that could have gone better.

Irondad: that was fucking brilliant

Metal Arm: Well that’s one way to get down lmfao

Scarlett Bitch: I am literally howling at what just happened

LittleSpider: I didn’t mean to! I lost my grip!!! I’m so sorry omgomgomg

Hawkeye: Squirt it’s fine, that’s the most I’ve laughed in years

Irondad: Kid I fucking love you omg

Pepper Potts CEO: Ok, so that didn’t go to plan.


LittleSpider is offline


Pointbreak: I do not understand, what went wrong, I found it very amusing?

Spidermom: Thor, Peter lost his grip and landed on Fury and knocked him out, then Wanda’s coffee fell over the papers for the meeting. It couldn’t have gone much worse tbh.

Pointbreak: Ah I see how that could be viewed as problematic

Rhodey: So, Fury is unconscious and the papers are all covered in coffee. Any ideas anyone?

Green Rage Monster: We don’t have a time machine so no

Hawkeye: How about we put him on the sofa and pretend it’s tomorrow and the meetings over?

Irondad: good idea

Spidermom: Боже мой

America’s Ass: Don’t you think he would find it slightly suspicious that none of us have any idea what the meeting was about though – when it gets to the mission and we aren’t there

Metal Arm: Good point Steve. Always thinking ahead.

Falcon107: lmfao

Scarlett Bitch: I can literally hear Peter crying in the Vents about how he killed Fury

Spidermom: Someone go and check on him Clint.

Hawkeye: why me?!

Spidermom: bc you’re the only one who goes in the vents besides the Kid.

Hawkeye: Don’t blame me if I don’t come back

Pepper Potts CEO: You’re coming back.

Hawkeye: Yes Ma’am!


Hawkeye is offline


Green Rage Monster: Anyone else slightly concerned that Fury hasn’t woken up yet?

Irondad: not really no

Scarlett Bitch: he’s dreaming

Falcon107: wait what

Pointbreak: Are you reading his mind?

Scarlett Bitch: Yup and holy shittttt ahahahaha

Irondad: spill now

Scarlett Bitch: He’s dreaming of us lot saving him from an army of killer sheep xD

Rhodey: No way omfg

Spidermom: lol

Pointbreak: Sheep?

Metal Arm: fluffy white animals – they taste great

America’s Ass: Bucky -__-

Pepper Potts CEO: oh god, Fury’s waking up, what do we do

Irondad: Ok, so if Pepper is freaking out that isn’t a good sign and generally means we are all fucked.

Pepper Potts CEO: You created this.

Spidermom: it’s your fault Tony

Scarlett Bitch: TRUE

Rhodey: yep

Falcon107: yes

Pointbreak: It was amusing though, but yes the blame lies with you Stark.

Metal Arm: I’m not one to place blame, but yeah it was your fault

America’s Ass: look we all know it was Tony’s fault, but we need to figure something out and quick

Irondad: Thanks for the support Capsicle

Pepper Potts CEO: Right I have an idea, Steve and Bucky – lift Fury into this chair next to me, Wanda get the empty coffee cup and put it over the papers on the table in front of him.

Spidermom: ah clever idea Pepper.

Rhodey: wait what’s going on?

Falcon107: idk

Spidermom: a little white lie

Irondad: I mean it’s a massive lie but whatever


Hawkeye is online


Hawkeye: The Kid fucking tricked me to get me into the Vents – because he knew Wanda could hear him and knew I was the only one who would go in the vents and he covered me in baby powder

Rhodey: that explains the grey hair

Falcon107: omfg this meeting is epic

Irondad: hahahahaha

America’s Ass: Sam we haven’t even started the actual meeting yet.

Irondad: god don’t remind me

Spidermom: you’re still doing that prank war thing

Hawkeye: Well I thought we’d finished, but apparently it’s still happening

Pepper Potts CEO: Natasha – you tell the lie to Fury

Spidermom: ok

Metal Arm: he totally bought that – good job Tasha

Irondad: wow that was really convincing Nat

Hawkeye: it’s scary right

Irondad: yeah it is actually :/

America’s Ass: We got away with it. Tony, don’t ever use Peter like that again or jeopardise our meetings.

Irondad: Understood

Pepper Potts CEO: guys I am so fucking sorry, he looked over my shoulder at my phone.

Falcon107: oh sHiT

Scarlett Bitch: omg no

Metal Arm: he looks mad

Green Rage Monster: nice knowing you all

Pointbreak: It is nice knowing you too Banner!

America’s Ass: this can’t be good

Hawkeye: the vein on his forehead is bigger than I’ve ever seen it guys

Rhodey: here we go.

Irondad: oh god

Spidermom: stop freaking out and just act natural.


*Spidermom has deleted all messages in the group chat from the past hour*


Pepper Potts CEO has added Nicholas Fury to the Avengers Group Chat


Nicholas Fury: Nice of you to finally add me to your little Super group.

Irondad: It’s more of a professional curtesy – sorry about your niece Annie

Rhodey: Tony shut up.

Nicholas Fury: So, this is a chat specifically for the Avengers? Being head of the Avengers, I was kept out of it? Anyone care to explain? Stark. Her name is Amy, which you would know as you promised to attend her party – which you ‘forgot’ about, just like you ‘forgot’ to add me to this chat.

Irondad: oH sHiT

Falcon107: lmfao Tony he just roasted you ahaha

Pepper Potts CEO: don’t look at me Fury, I keep getting added in here to sort out their shit. They’re basically a walking PR nightmare.

Hawkeye: lmfao true

Spidermom: lol

Pointbreak: Hello Nicholas Fury.

Nicholas Fury: Thor – good to see you again. I’m still wondering why no-one answered my question.

Irondad: Cap? Care to explain?

America’s Ass: It started out as a chat to get me and Tony to talk after the whole thing with the accords, and gradually it’s ended up as more of a social platform for us all.

Nicholas Fury: Interesting. Did it ever occur to any of you, that having a ‘chat’ on this type of media could potentially be a way for the enemy to get information on you?

Spidermom: Believe me, there isn’t anything worth getting information on in here – apart from the fact that we live with a cat called Mr Whiskers, we have regular movie nights and eat a lot of takeaway.

Hawkeye: Yeah, we’re basically a dysfunctional domestic mess

Nicholas Fury: Tell me something that I don’t know Barton.

Falcon107: omfg put some ice on that burn Clint

Hawkeye: fuck off Wilson

Metal Arm: Can we please start the meeting now before I kill you all

Nicholas Fury: why are all my papers covered in coffee

Spidermom: bc you fainted and knocked it over – remember I just told you Nick?

Green Rage Monster: he might have concussion.

Nicholas Fury: Right okay, well there’s a mission I need you all for in Paris – someone tracked a weapon there that is giving off a lot of gammar radiation

Green Rage Monster: everyone stop fucking looking at me

Irondad: don’t piss him off

Hawkeye: oh god please not a code green

Green Rage Monster: I’m not going to turn into the hulk Clint.

Nicholas Fury: Are you all in for the mission then?

Irondad: are we allowed to say no

Nicholas Fury: No.

Irondad: great, good chat.


LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: omgomgomgogmogm im so sorry mr fury

Irondad: Kid shut the fuck up now. Go offline I’ll explain later on.

Spidermom: Peter, shut up

LittleSpider: Mr Nick Fury sir it wont happen again I didn’t mean to fall on you and make you almost die im so sorry mr stark told me to take the papers so he didn’t have to go to the meeting and everyone was laughing and mr barton was throwing paper clips at me and I fell and I’m sorry

LittleSpider: But also – welcome to our chat!!!:D

Pepper Potts CEO: Oh god.

Hawkeye: fucking run

Spidermom: who?!

Rhodey: Everyone!!!!!

Scarlett Bitch: damn it Parker



Nicholas Fury is offline

Everyone is offline


LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: Was it something I said????????

Chapter Text

LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: I’m so fucking done – don’t know why I bother at this point seriously. Nobody takes me seriously and I’m honestly done.


Spidermom is online

Hawkeye is online


Spidermom: Kid? You ok?

LittleSpider: No I’m annoyed and I don’t know what to do - can you come and get me please Auntie Nat?

Spidermom: маленький паук, where are you?

Hawkeye: What’s going on squirt? Who do I need to shoot?

LittleSpider: me so I don’t have to put up with this shit anymore


LittleSpider is offline


Hawkeye: Peter?

Spidermom: Barton get one of Tony’s cars ready, I’ll be down in 5 – need to hack into the Kid’s suit to find out where he is

Hawkeye: How come Stark isn’t on his way??

Spidermom: The Kid might not be in physical danger and so Friday won’t have been alerted.

Hawkeye: Fairs.

Hawkeye: Nat? Any luck?

Spidermom: Yeah – sorry, there was a ton of coding to go through. He’s on 32nd.

Hawkeye: Can we stop for some food first – I was thinking Chinese?

Spidermom: Clint its 3am

Hawkeye: Fine – Mcdonalds then

Spidermom: no – shut up and get in the car

Hawkeye: omg there’s alarms going off – Nat we’re criminals, we’ve just stolen one of Tony’s cars

Spidermom: I prefer to call it borrowing and it’s fine bc there’s like 14 of them

Hawkeye: True tho


Irondad is online

America’s Ass is online

Scarlett Bitch is online


Irondad: Who the fuck set off my alarm at 3am

Hawkeye: That would be us – sorry

America’s Ass: What’s going on?

Hawkeye: we wanted a late night snack

Spidermom: Stark your Kid is having a meltdown somewhere and we don’t know why, also I've borrowed one of your cars

Irondad: WTF

America’s Ass: Just read up. What’s up with Peter?

Irondad: Haven’t spoken to him all day – he isn’t answering my calls now and he’s turned his fucking AI off. I’m going to find him

Spidermom: no need – we’re almost there now. I’ll keep you posted.

Scarlett Bitch: He seemed off earlier when he called me after school

Spidermom: Off how?


Spidermom: bold of you to think that I cant multitask

Scarlett Bitch: dunno just sad

America’s Ass: Just get him back safe guys.

Hawkeye: guys imma die, Tasha just ran 3 red lights

Hawkeye: tell mr whiskers I love him and I have a pile of sweets under my bed

Irondad: hang on I’ve just read up – you’ve fucking stolen one of my sports cars?

Hawkeye: it was either that or the quinjet

Irondad: why the fuck didn’t you use your own car like a normal person

Hawkeye: I broke it

Scarlett Bitch: Barton how did you break a car and why the hell do you have a pile of sweets under your bed

Hawkeye: it wasn’t on purpose jfc stop attacking me. I like sugar alright?

Spidermom: I can see the kid. I’ve momentarily stopped the traffic and surveillance systems around us, just in-case there’s anyone snooping on us

Irondad: how the absolute fuck did you manage that?!

America’s Ass: she once hacked into the global network in the middle of an Apple Store in 9 minutes

Hawkeye: yeah you don’t want to piss her off – anyway, we’re on the roof now

Scarlett Bitch: make sure he’s alright Clint.

Irondad: just get him home safe.


Everyone is offline


Spidermom is online

Hawkeye is online

Irondad is online

America’s Ass is online

Scarlett Bitch is online


Irondad: What happened? Is he ok? Where are you? Do you need me to come?

Spidermom: jeez chill out Dad, the Kid is fine, he just had a really crappy day and patrol. We’re like 5 minutes away from the compound.

Hawkeye: please stop texting Natasha I think I’ve got a hernia from all this worrying about death

America’s Ass: Is Peter ok?

Hawkeye: Physically yes, mentally no. He’s really upset. Someone was shot on patrol and he couldn’t save them and he’s blaming himself. The shooter said that he was a pathetic kid who shouldn’t be seen as anything more than a screw up and Peter took it to heart, as he had had a bad day at school – Flash is still giving him trouble, despite our warnings and he failed a test bc he hasn’t been sleeping well and didn’t revise enough.

Irondad: Damn it, poor Kid. What took you so long though, we all waited up and you’ve been like over an hour.

Spidermom: Barton wanted mcdonalds and the Kid wanted a hot chocolate so we made a pit stop; also Tony your car needs an interior wash bc Barton spilt the drinks

Hawkeye: it wasn;t my fault – it’s your driving that did it

Spidermom: you worry too much

Hawkeye: you’re literally driving at 110mph rn and me and the Kid are screaming

Irondad: jfc Natasha get the fuck off your phone and slow down before you kill my kid – how did you ever pass your driving test?!

Spidermom: bold of you to assume that I have a license – we’ll be there in eta 2 minutes

Hawkeye: omfg she almost ran over an old lady

Spidermom: it was her own fucking fault – should have gone to specsavers love

Scarlett Bitch: lmfao omggggg and poor Peter ☹ <3

America’s Ass: I have an idea on how to cheer Peter up. Tony get Friday to wake everyone else up and tell them to rendezvous in the living room.

Irondad: done

America’s Ass: Right – Wanda make the kid some hot chocolate and get some popcorn

Irondad: I’ll help her hang on

Irondad: oH sHiT

Irondad: so I walk into the kitchen and everyone is there and are looking at me like I murdered Mr Whiskers, Nat hurry up please before they decapitate me for waking them up at 4am.

Hawkeye: damn it … there goes the rest of my milkshake

Irondad: ffs – please stop destroying the interior of my $170,000 sports car.

Spidermom: shut up and let us in – Friday is wanting our badges but I forgot them

Irondad: what’s the password

Hawkeye: seriously

Irondad: no Legolas. I’m omw hang on


Everyone is offline

Chapter Text

America’s Ass is online

Green Rage Monster is online

Scarlett Bitch is online

Rhodey is online

Falcon107 is online

Metal Arm is online

Pointbreak is online


Falcon107: someone want to clue me in as to why I was woken up at the crack of fucking dawn and am now standing in the kitchen being forced by Steve and Wanda to make some popcorn?

America’s Ass: kid had a bad day and then a bad patrol so we’re on operation cheer up

Rhodey: What happened Cap?

Scarlett Bitch: read up rhodey

Green Rage Monster: where’s nat, clint, tony and Peter?

America’s Ass: Tony has gone down to let them into the compound – as he can’t override Friday bc they don’t have their badges, so he has to let them in manually

Pointbreak: What is the metal armed man doing?

Falcon107: damn it might be 4am but this popcorn smells beautiful. I should be on masterchef – right what’s next Cap?

America’s Ass: good job Sam. Can you come into the living room and help me and Wanda set up for a movie night…well, movie morning, please? Also can someone put Mr Whiskers out – he’s by the kitchen window

Green Rage Monster: Anyone want me to do anything to help?

America’s Ass: help Wanda pick out some good films

Scarlett Bitch: Disney or no?

Pointbreak: I enjoy the one with the red dragon

Falcon107: Yeah Mulan is a good film

Rhodey: anything with animation or star wars and the Kid will be happy

Green Rage Monster: guess that means that Insidious is out then

Scarlett Bitch: Bruce – we’re trying to cheer up Peter not fucking make him cry

Pointbreak: There is a smell of burning – can’t anyone else smell it?

Rhodey: yeah I can actually – ew what is it? I’ve just let the cat out of the window, he seems glad to get away tbh

Metal Arm: urrr Steve I might have accidentally set the oven on fire

Scarlett Bitch: wtaf you were just making chocolate chip cookies

Pointbreak: Well this was unexpected.

Falcon107: holy shit you aren’t joking Bucky … the oven is literally on fire

Scarlett Bitch: omg what do we do?! Stark is going to kill us jfc

Green Rage Monster: stop standing there and help me to fucking put it out!!!






Pointbreak: It was not the metal armed man’s fault. I might have accidentally left Mjölnir near the oven and the electrical currents may have accelerated the cookie cooking process. I am sorry friends.

Falcon107: lmfaoooo 4am banter guys


Rhodey: I feel like I’m in a nightmare.

Scarlett Bitch: big m00d

America’s Ass: omfg Tony is on his way up. Right. Sorry Bucky, Thor you are literally banned from the kitchen and from being near anything remotely electrical for the foreseeable future. Wanda, Bruce, Thor and Rhodey – help me finish off setting up movie night/morning in the living room and Bucky and Sam tidy up in the kitchen and make some more cookies. Quick we have literally a minute

Scarlett Bitch: jeez chill out Rogers, we can barely see through the smoke and I’m pretty sure that Bruce is about to fall asleep on the sofa

Metal Arm: cookies will be ready in 15 minutes

Pointbreak: But you said that 13 minutes ago?

Falcon107: dude that was before you turned them into ash with your magical hammer

Pointbreak: Ah, I see how that might have affected them. My apologies.

Scarlett Bitch: has anyone bothered to open a fucking window

Pointbreak: that is a good way to get rid of the smoke

Falcon107: no shit – why can I still smell burning?!!?

Metal Arm: Banner wake up – Kid’s on his way up

Rhodey: I can smell it too – did we put it all out right?!

America’s Ass: It’s so warm in here, open a window. Right anyway, hot chocolate is ready, popcorn is ready, cookies are disintegrated but new ones are baking and movies are picked.

Rhodey: can I go back to sleep now

Falcon107: Nah man, if we have to deal with this then you do too

Scarlett Bitch: my eyes are literally falling out of my head im that tired

Metal Arm: I’m so tired I think I put salt in the cookies instead of sugar

Falcon107: remind me not to taste them

Green Rage Monster: Was that the elevator? Why does it still smell of burning? It’s a different kind of smell now though

America’s Ass: yep the elevator’s just come up – oh god the Kid looks so sad. Everyone be nice. I am so warm – Wanda did you open a window I’m honestly about to pass out from heat stroke

Scarlett Bitch: they’re all open, why does it smell so bad still?!


Irondad is online

Spidermom is online

Hawkeye is online


Irondad: I was literally gone for less than 10 minutes and you managed to destroy the kitchen – you guys have no regard for expensive furniture or for the interiors of sports cars apparently, isn’t that right Legolas

Hawkeye: sorry about that again :/

Rhodey: where’s the kid

Irondad: getting dressed into his pjs – he always keeps a spare pair here

America’s Ass: tony can you put the AC on because I’m too warm

Spidermom: that’s because your pants are on fire Steve

Rhodey: wait what

Falcon107: oH sHiT STEVE!!!

Irondad: well she isn’t lying – Cap you good?

Green Rage Monster: of course he’s not good! His pants are literally on fire!!


Irondad: on it

Hawkeye: lmfao Cap freaking out is so funny

Scarlett Bitch: well that explains why the smell of burning wasn’t going away

Falcon107: how the fuck did you not know that you were on fire?!

Pointbreak: Why is Tony hurriedly filling a sizeable container with water?

Hawkeye: oh this is gonna be epic I’m recording it – Bucky get out of the frame

Metal Arm: in a minute – im just trying to put out my best mate who is currently on fire

Hawkeye: fairs

Rhodey: oh god this can’t be good

Spidermom: well it’s better than being on fire.

Rhodey: good point Nat

America’s Ass: arfijkrs vff ejdisrgj  jefeifo wfno jew0-r3b3r

Scarlett Bitch: Stark just threw a bucket of water over him ahahaha he’s pissed now

Metal Arm: due to his super serum – Steve doesn’t feel minor injuries, so because it was only a small flame he just felt pretty warm

Hawkeye: that was so fucking funny – omg Steve full on screamed like a girl and now I can show it to him whenever he pisses me off!

Spidermom: send me it


<<< Clinton84 sent a JPEG file to Nat1879 >>>


Spidermom: thanks – this makes excellent blackmail material

Ironman: Cap has literally just stormed into the living room, tracking water everywhere and now my carpet needs cleaning too, aswell as a new kitchen and a new sports car

Rhodey: it’s not like you haven’t got the money

Hawkeye: ahahaha savage but true

Ironman: wow didn’t come here to be attacked guys


LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: um why is Mr Rogers sitting in the living room all wet and why are the rest of you in the kitchen all laughing

Hawkeye: there was a slight incident

Irondad: I mean it was a huge incident and my kitchen is now destroyed and flooded but whatever

America’s Ass: I   AMOST F U C K IGN DI ED

Spidermom: don’t exaggerate Steve

Falcon107: Language

Scarlett Bitch: language

Rhodey: language

Metal Arm: language and also cookies are ready guys

LittleSpider: its like almost 5am – why is everyone up and why does the living room look all snuggly?

America’s Ass: well it was going to be a surprise. We heard you had a rubbish day and patrol so we organised an early movie morning

Hawkeye: love how the kid doesn’t even ask about the fire bc he’s so used to things and people setting on fire at the compound by now ahahaha

America’s Ass: just get in here so we can watch a film and theres like a 0.1% chance of destroying anything

Falcon107: what are we watching first?

Scarlett Bitch: only the best animated film in existence

Irondad: Katniss stop throwing popcorn at me before I hurt you

Falcon107: guys bruce is asleep again and there goes Thor

America’s Ass: Bucky come on the film is starting

Metal Arm: I’m icing the cookies ffs

Irondad: How are you doing bud? @LittleSpider

Rhodey: #irondadmode

LittleSpider: Better now I’m with you guys, thanks everyone <3

Irondad: 😊

America’s Ass: glad we could help Pete

Scarlett Bitch: <3

Falcon107: omg I love this film

Hawkeye: I’m starving where’s the cookies

Spidermom: haven’t you just eaten an entire bowl of popcorn

Hawkeye: innocent until proven guilty

Irondad: I saw you bc you kept hitting me with pieces of it

Hawkeye: guilty

Spidermom: Kid – can you stop Mr Whiskers from climbing on the TV

LittleSpider: oh he likes Shrek – he likes to sit on top of the TV and watch it upside down

Rhodey: the fuck did he get back in – I put him out ???

Scarlett Bitch: there’s literally a million windows open to get rid of the smoke genius

Metal Arm: cookies are ready – there’s 2 each

LittleSpider: thanks Bucky 😊

America’s Ass: the cookies taste … interesting Buck

Falcon107: what the fuck – jfc they are disgusting

LittleSpider: I mean they’re not great

Metal Arm: it’s the same recipe as always, they can’t be that bad

Irondad: no they're not that bad …they are very bad

Scarlett Bitch: omfg I’m going to be sick

Rhodey: what the shit did you do to the cookies?!

Hawkeye: nat have you tried one?

Spidermom: I’ll pass – don’t really fancy getting food poisoning

Metal Arm: oh shit … that’s gross, guess I put salt instead of sugar in ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


Everyone is offline

Chapter Text

Irondad is online

Spidermom is online

Metal Arm is online

America’s Ass is online

Hawkeye is online

Falcon107 is online

Green Rage Monster is online

Scarlett Bitch is online


Irondad: ok so the Kid is asleep – we need to sort out a plan for his 16th Birthday

Hawkeye: we all have to buy him stuff?!

Spidermom: that’s generally what you do on Birthdays – you have 3 kids…

Falcon107:  can we go for a picnic in central Park?

Green Rage Monster: for a 16th birthday?

Falcon107: oh no I meant for lunch today, I’m bored

Hawkeye: ahaha fairs

Scarlett Bitch: who let Mr Whiskers in, he’s eating my fucking toast

Spidermom: Mr Whiskers is a cat

Scarlett Bitch: yeah a cat who is eating my toast

Hawkeye: lmfao omg she isn’t even joking that’s so funny


>>>Clinton84 sent a JPEG file to Avengers Group Chat


Falcon107: that can’t be good for the cat

Scarlett Bitch: it’s not good for me, he’s eaten all the butter little furry bastard

Metal Arm: you can’t even be mad at him – look at his cute face

America’s Ass: I thought cats cant eat human food

Scarlett Bitch: fucking tell Mr Whiskers that bc whenever I put him on the floor he jumps back up

Spidermom: awh he’s so cute though

Hawkeye: his fluffiness scale is off the charts

Falcon107: oh great now he’s eying up my bacon, the little shit

Metal Arm: can I have some

Falcon107: I literally just asked you if you wanted me to make you some

Metal Arm: well I wasn’t hungry then

Falcon107: fine bc the cat’s already eating mine :/

Irondad: ffs, there, I’ve put the cat out – back to my question please

America’s Ass: bowling?

Irondad: I mean it’s not really fair when there’s you and Barnes who are supersoliders, a girl who can literally pick the balls up with her mind, Legolas who never misses a shot, a fucking demi-God and then Bruce who might turn into the Hulk if he doesn’t score :/

Hawkeye: thanks Stark – that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me <3

Spidermom: Clint stop crying jfc

Green Rage Monster: I wouldn’t turn into the Hulk…probably.

Falcon107: Pizza and a movie?

Irondad: that’s literally all we ever do

Metal Arm: why do we need to celebrate his birthday at all – you aren’t his dad

Irondad: You have 0.3 seconds to retract that statement, before I forcibly remove you from the Compound.

Spidermom: oh god

Hawkeye: nooo he didn’t just say that

Falcon107: lmfao Barnes u dead

Green Rage Monster: rip

America’s Ass: Bucky oh dear…

Spidermom: I’d listen to him Barnes ive just seen him fly past my bedroom window

Scarlett Bitch: #irondadmodeactivated

Metal Arm: oh yeah like I’d believe that. He isn’t his dad!

Falcon107: I mean he basically is

Green Rage Monster: Bucky he isn’t joking I can literally see him coming to get you

Metal Arm: you’re joking right??? he isn’t his dad though!

Hawkeye: how do you think I broke my ankle

America’s Ass: because you fell out of a tree

Hawkeye: no the other time

Spidermom: lmfao which one

Hawkeye: the right foot

Spidermom: no I meant which time dipshit

Hawkeye: 3 months ago – I said Tony wasn’t the kid’s dad and he literally yeeted me out of the Compound and into the forest

Scarlett Bitch: holy fuck really?

Falcon107: yeah I recorded it – wanna see

America’s Ass: think I speak for us all when I say yes we all want to see


>>>Falcon107 sent video file: ‘Hawkeyegetshiswings’ to Avengers Group Chat


Spidermom: ah I remember now

Scarlett Bitch: I mean how the fuck could you not remember that

Spidermom: he does a lot of weird shit, it’s hard to remember it all

Hawkeye: wow rude but true

Scarlett Bitch: fairs

America’s Ass: that’s got to be at least 100ft how are you alive Clint?

Hawkeye: I don’t want to talk about it

Falcon107: did you scream yeet??!?!?!?!?!

Hawkeye: I wasn’t going to go ahhhhh nooooo, that’s boring – if it was my time to die then I wanted to go out in style, so yeah I did

Green Rage Monster: lmfao

Scarlett Bitch: absolute legend Barton

Spidermom: did anyone hear that?

Scarlett Bitch: yup

Falcon107: oh no

America’s Ass: omg Bucky hasn’t commented in a while

Hawkeye: Stark already got to him

Scarlett Bitch: f to pay respects to Barnes

America’s Ass: f

Spidermom: f

Hawkeye: f

Green Rage Monster: f

Falcon107: f

Metal Arm: I’m not dead

Irondad: yet

Hawkeye: ooooo ominous

Spidermom: lol what happened

Irondad: he jumped into the vents before I could get to him – that’s what the loud noise was

Hawkeye: get out of my vents

Metal Arm: no

Irondad: okay anyway, can we please just decide on what to do for Peter’s birthday please, because it’s in like a week

Spidermom: Lazer Tag?



Falcon107: SAME

Green Rage Monster: SAME

Irondad: SAME

Metal Arm: omg no you can’t all be on the same team you morons, but SAME

America’s Ass: Nat, as much fun as that would be, maybe something a bit less likely to end with serious injury?

Spidermom: a fucking walk in the park then you killjoy

America’s Ass: -___-

Hawkeye: I have an idea and there’s only like a 11% chance of death

Irondad: please share with the group

Spidermom: no that’s a horrible idea

Green Rage Monster: he hasn’t said anything yet?

Spidermom: I just know what it is bc we didn’t do it for his Kid’s birthday and it’s a horrible idea

Hawkeye: you’re just jealous that you didn’t come up with it

Hawkeye: don’t be bitter just be better

Spidermom: jfc

Scarlett Bitch: omg I wanna know

Falcon107: spill the tea

Hawkeye: drum roll my dudes

Irondad: tell us

Spidermom: you asked for it

Hawkeye: CAMPING

America’s Ass: for a 16th birthday

Hawkeye: Y U P

Irondad: that’s not a bad idea actually – the Kid will love it, he likes the outdoors

Spidermom: I mean what Kid doesn’t but whatever

Scarlett Bitch: Nat stop lying you’re buzzing for this - I can see you literally googling for tents, omg and water guns!

Hawkeye: urrrr Wanda I wouldn’t do that

Metal Arm: oh god

Green Rage Monster: this can’t be good

Scarlett Bitch: abiubuiiefj njwgrsnoafej og[rrq98rq3 o4[grsw

Hawkeye: oh no she got her

Spidermom: I don’t like being spied on

Irondad: that’s literally all you do Nat

America’s Ass: What’s going on? Why is Wanda screaming?

Falcon107: you don’t want to know Cap

America’s Ass: I do though

Hawkeye: ok let’s just say that Wanda is currently crying on the floor and covered with strawberry milkshake

America’s Ass: ok … are we agreed with the weird camping idea then

Falcon107: that is so cool I’m totally there

Metal Arm: sounds like fun but I’ve never been camping, what is it?

Spidermom: absolute hell in a tent

Metal Arm: great

Irondad: we’ll sort out tent arrangements when I buy the tents

Green Rage Monster: oh the Kid’s awake!

America’s Ass: we’ll reconvene soon – don’t say anything to him!


*Irondad deleted all messages from the past 24 minutes*


LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: why is Wanda crying on the floor and covered in strawberry milkshake

Hawkeye: she has very strong feelings about strawberry milkshakes

Spidermom: seriously that’s the best you could come up with

Irondad: Legolas istg

America’s Ass: she slipped in it, she’s fine Kid

Metal Arm: :/

LittleSpider: wanda I thought you were allergic to strawberries???

America’s Ass: wait what

Falcon107: is that why she’s crying bc her face is really red you guys

Spidermom: no she isn’t – she’s allergic to peanuts, seafood, chlorine and oh fuck … I forgot

Irondad: Urmmm… Bruce???

America’s Ass: someone go get him from his lab quick, while I give Wanda CPR

Metal Arm: nah im not leaving these vents buddy

LittleSpider: on it!

Irondad: ffs all I ask is one day without one of us nearly dying

Spidermom: Barton this is all your fault

Falcon107: says the scary ass woman who has essentially poisoned a 20 year old

Spidermom: well I didn’t mean to jeez give me a break

Hawkeye: how the fuck is it my fault?!

Spidermom: because of your stupid idea!!!

Falcon107: guys Wanda’s not breathing holy shit where the fuck is Bruce and the Kid?!!?!

Hawkeye:  omfg you’re right, she isn’t breathing what do we do

Irondad: stop panicking omg it’s all fine rifbvd ijwofsd

Metal Arm: shit sorry Stark didn’t mean to drop on you

Irondad: if Wanda wasn’t practically comatose rn I’d be in a suit blasting your metal ass

Metal Arm: noted

America’s Ass: ah thank god – Bruce’s here, everyone back off and give him some room



Falcon107: she was so young

Spidermom: fuck off Wilson she isn’t dead

Irondad: she isn’t alive either tho

America’s Ass: Stop panicking or else I’m going to

Spidermom: who let the cat in ffs

LittleSpider: Mr Stakr is wanda going f ot die?

Irondad: great now the Kid is crying. God I need a stiff drink

Metal Arm: someone tell Mr Whiskers to stop drinking the strawberry milkshake

Falcon107: little busy over here trying to get Wanda to breathe

Hawkeye: oh god, Nat’s crying too, this is such a mess and now I want a strawberry milkshake

Irondad: I’m going to have to get this carpet cleaned

America’s Ass: not the time Tony.

Falcon107: ffs

Hawkeye: omg Bruce just stabbed her

America’s Ass: relax it’s an epipen

Irondad: phew

Spidermom: thank god

LittleSpider: SHE’S ALIVE

Falcon107: Kid we’re all here, we know

Metal Arm: is anyone going to move Mr Whiskers??

LittleSpider: yeah hang on I don’t want to step on Wanda

Falcon107: I need to lie down after all that

Hawkeye: I already am

Irondad: Capsicle, you got her?

America’s Ass: Yeah no problem - I’ll take her up to her room to rest

Scarlett Bitch: I’m fine

Irondad: you nearly died

Hawkeye: I’ll bring you some tea

America’s Ass: why tea

Hawkeye: idk that’s what they do when someone almost dies in the movies

Irondad: jfc what is my life. Bruce – is she going to be ok?

Green Rage Monster: Yeah she just needs to rest, Tony. I can confirm that Wanda is allergic to Strawberries. She’s fine now – all she needed was an epipen. Natasha when you go to throw stuff at people, maybe check if it’ll possible that it might accidently kill them first

Spidermom: noted. Sorry Wanda

Scarlett Bitch: apology accepted but Tony I’m not sharing a tent with Natasha for fear of being killed

Irondad: understandable – you can bunk by yourself then. I’ve ordered the tents and camping gear, they’ll be here this afternoon, by which point I’ll be drunk so I don’t have to put up with everyone’s drama

America’s Ass: urrm Tony? You might want to delete that message

Spidermom: are you joking Tony

Metal Arm: lmfao

Falcon107: oh god – delete it Stark, you’re the only other admin than the Kid!

Hawkeye: too late


Irondad: oh ffs


Everyone is offline

Chapter Text


Pepper Potts CEO is online


Pepper Potts CEO: You lot are literally a PR nightmare.


Hawkeye is online

Spidermom is online

America’s Ass is online

LittleSpider is online

Metal Arm is online


Hawkeye: I mean rude but true

Pepper Potts CEO: Can someone explain to me why the chief of Police wants to talk to me?

LittleSpider: omgomgomg spill the tea Ms Potts ma’am please

America’s Ass: What happened??

Hawkeye: dude you don’t want to know

Spidermom: In my defence I was there first

Pepper Potts CEO: Natasha, I literally have the police on hold right now and at least 7 newspapers and general press on the other line, wanting to know why you and Clint caused a huge public scene earlier and why the police had to end up getting involved. What the hell happened?!

Metal Arm: The police?! I thought you and Clint were just going to get breakfast?? You’ve been like 2 hours tho :/

Spidermom: There was a slight change in plan, due to a small incident which was definitely not my fault


America’s Ass: Someone tell us what’s happened right now, why would the police be after you?

Hawkeye: bold of you to assume that we haven’t already been arrested

Pepper Potts CEO: I’m so close to having a breakdown right now.

Spidermom: again, it wasn’t my fault. I’m completely innocent here.

Metal Arm: says the person who is apparently in jail


Scarlett Bitch is online


Scarlett Bitch: anyone wanna tell me why #avengersjailbirds is trending

America’s Ass: we’re trying to find out

Pepper Potts CEO: because none of you can go a single fucking day without causing me some sort of mental breakdown due to you all being a PR nightmare.

LittleSpider: I haven’t done anything!!!!!!

Spidermom: how about last week when you ‘accidentally’ landed on a hotdog stand, which tipped over and injured 3 people


America’s Ass: can we just bring this back to the fact that two of our team mates are apparently currently in jail?!

Scarlett Bitch: omg I thought it was a joke – who’s in jail!!?!?!?!?!?!

Metal Arm: Clint and Nat

Spidermom: I mean we’re not, we’re in a holding cell

Pepper Potts CEO: That’s basically jail Natasha jfc.

Spidermom: we could easily escape but we’re humouring them and we thought that you would be mad if we broke out

Pepper Potts CEO: Thanks for thinking of me, but maybe next time can you actually think before you end up in jail, so I don’t have the Chief of Police on hold and almost a dozen newspapers on the other line? Can you please explain what happened before I have to deal with the Chief of Police and bullshit an excuse for your drama?

Spidermom: so we went to get breakfast and Clint wanted to get some pancakes from this café on 37th and I like the food there so we went

Hawkeye: I love pancakes

Pepper Potts CEO: Continue please, Natasha.

Spidermom: We then went up to order and I saw a really nice bagel that I wanted – the nice one with that cream cheese that I like

America’s Ass: Hang on – so you were just getting breakfast?

Spidermom: Yep – very innocent, just grabbing some pancakes and a bagel

LittleSpider: howtheF u C k didyouend up in JAIL THEN

Hawkeye: we’re getting to it

Metal Arm: continue

Hawkeye: in the café you pick your food and bring it to the till

Spidermom: it was a nice café

Pepper Potts CEO: oh ffs

Americas’ Ass: ‘was?’

LittleSpider: this is so much better than my English Class holy shittttt xD

Spidermom: it got a bit destroyed so had to close for the day

Scarlett Bitch: im literally laughing my head off rn

Pepper Potts CEO: Continue please, Natasha.

Spidermom: We were waiting in the queue like good citizens, picking out our food, when this absolute pleb of a human barged past and decided to take my bagel, knowing damn well that I was about to pick it up bc my hand was literally on it

Spidermom: ok, so I was like nah mate – I had that cream cheese bagel first, but he decided to BAT MY HAND AWAY

Scarlett Bitch: no way omg

America’s Ass: why wouldn’t you just walk away

Metal Arm: fuck off Steve, how many times did I have to rescue you bc you stood up to bullies when we were younger?!

America’s Ass: Not the time Buck and I never had the police involved!

Pepper Potts CEO: Please don’t tell me that you injured him Natasha

Hawkeye: not exactly

Spidermom: Define ‘injure’

Pepper Potts CEO: After this I’m resigning istg. What happened after he batted your hand away?

Scarlett Bitch: Can’t wait to hear this

Spidermom: so I did what anyone would have done and told him to fuck off and give me my bagel back because I was there first and he just barged in

Pepper Potts CEO: I’m guessing that he refused to give you the bagel back

Hawkeye: you’re right

LittleSpider: how did this end up with #avengersjailbirds trending then

Spidermom: well he didn’t like that I stood up to him and so he started to shout extremely nasty things at me and Clint, so naturally we shouted back

Hawkeye: he was all like ‘oh you’re the alien killers and you can’t handle someone in front of you in a line, you’re such fucking pussies’ and then he did the unspeakable to Natasha

America’s Ass: He punched you in front of the public??

Spidermom: no it was much worse

Spidermom: he looked me in the eyes and took a bite of my bagel

LittleSpider: WhAtThEfUcKwHoWoUlDdOtHaT

Spidermom: a monster that’s who

Pepper Potts CEO: How did this end up with you in a holding cell and me on the phone to the Chief of Police

Hawkeye: almost finished the tale, hold tight kids it’s about to get good

Metal Arm: this is amazing

Spidermom: at this point I was very angry, but I ignored him and went to pick up a smoothie – WHICH HE FUCKING TOOK TOO

Hawkeye: it was like being part of a nightmare

Pepper Potts CEO: my life is a nightmare.

Scarlett Bitch: m00d

Spidermom: anyway, I decided to just fucking leave and then the fucking pleb of a human decided to ‘accidentally’ trip me up, so I ‘accidentally’ broke his arm, then it ended up in a bit of a fight and 3 windows were smashed in the process bc he threw a chair at me which obviously missed.

Pepper Potts CEO: Ok, so to clarify, you broke someone’s arm because he took your bagel and between the 3 of you, you destroyed a café?

Hawkeye: and he took her smoothie!

Spidermom: He didn’t just take my bagel, he fucking ate it Pepper and then provoked me, by purposefully going to trip me up. It was self-defence. We did what was necessary. The guy was a public menace, we did everyone a favour.

America’s Ass: bet the owner of the café doesn’t think so

Hawkeye: yeah we got banned, even though it was the dickhead’s fault bc he broke the windows ☹

Scarlett Bitch: ahahaha

Pepper Potts CEO: Okay, so I’ve now just been informed that someone took a picture of you and Clint going into the police station earlier and it’s now trending on Twitter with #avengersjailbreak

Hawkeye: how does my hair look on it? I’m having a bad hair day

Spidermom: send it to the group someone so we can see – it’s so boring in here


LittleSpider sent JPEG #avengersjailbreak to Avengers Group Chat


Spidermom: I knew there was a reason I love these jeans

Hawkeye: God M y H a I R

Metal Arm: it’s a bit messy ngl

Hawkeye: I ran out of hair gel :/

Scarlett Bitch: Clint you look like a toilet brush is on your head

LittleSpider: lmfaoooooo true

Hawkeye: guys I’ve had a traumatic morning and I didn’t come here to be attacked ok

Spidermom: shut up Barton and stop putting your legs on my lap before I break them

Hawkeye: :O

Pepper Potts CEO: Don’t break any more of people’s limbs please. Anyway, moving on. How did you end up in jail then – if the guy did all the breaking of the café?

Hawkeye: thanks Pepper! So by this point things turned a bit more violent and basically it ended up with the monster of a human being threatened by Natasha, who was holding a knife

LittleSpider: GO MAMA SPIDER

Spidermom: thanks kid

America’s Ass: please tell me that you didn’t stab him because he ate your bagel

Hawkeye: she wanted to

Spidermom: I did, but when he went to punch me, instead I kicked him in the face and knocked him out

Scarlett Bitch: fairs

Pepper Potts CEO: Right. Just to clarify that a man took your bagel, called you nasty things, then ate your bagel and went to trip you, so you broke his arm and then he wanted to start a fight so you knocked him out?

Spidermom: Yup

Hawkeye: don’t forget how I poured my syrupy pancakes over his head

Scarlett Bitch: how are you in jail then if it was just self defence?!?!?!

Spidermom: I told a police officer to shove it

America’s Ass: why Natasha, we’ve been over this! You can’t talk like that to public officials!

Spidermom: again, wasn’t my fault

Metal Arm: how is this not your fault

Spidermom: bc the fucking dickhead who ate my bagel woke up and started saying that I just randomly attacked him and despite there being eyewitnesses, the police didn’t listen.

Hawkeye: they wanted to drag us in for questioning, so Tasha refused, then they weren’t having it, so she told them to shove it and then they arrested us – which was completely unfair because we didn’t actually do anything wrong, seeing as the pleb started the violence, we only finished it!

America’s Ass: I have no words

Metal Arm: so basically it was just self defence right???

Scarlett Bitch: pretty much

LittleSpider: but you can’t talk to Police officers like that though!

Spidermom: Well they weren’t listening to us

Hawkeye: we’re gonna break out soon though bc I’m hungry and want some pancakes – as my last lot ended up over a dickwad with a broken arm

Pepper Potts CEO: FFS. I’m assuming you’ve told the Police all of this?

Spidermom: Yes

Hawkeye: Yep but they still wont bring me any pancakes

Pepper Potts CEO: shut up Barton and don’t say anything until I sort this out.

Pepper Potts CEO: Give me 5 minutes.


Pepper Potts CEO is offline


LittleSpider: that was so much more interesting than my English Class omg

Hawkeye: it was a thrilling story

Spidermom: Peter I might be in jail but I can still kick your ass – get back to class

Scarlett Bitch: #MamaNat

LittleSpider: but this is much more fun than writing an essay ☹

Scarlett Bitch: omg you guys are n.o 1 top trending on twitter now! Everyone’s sticking up for you

Metal Arm: cute

Hawkeye: Natasha is literally hacking into your school system now Peter to alert your teacher, so I’d get off your phone bud

LittleSpider: omg ok bye


LittleSpider is offline


America’s Ass: how are you on your phones if you’re in jail?

Hawkeye: we said we had to keep them incase Aliens came down and threatened New York again – they didn’t argue

America’s Ass: ah fair enough – are you both coming back now or???

Spidermom: probably not – think we’re off shopping

Hawkeye: yeah and I want pancakes


Pepper Potts CEO is online


Pepper Potts CEO: So the Chief of Police says you’re free to go, as you didn’t actually break any laws, but you both need to apologise to the Police Officer that you told to ‘shove it,’ or else they will press charges.

Hawkeye: done, cheers Pepper😊

Spidermom: done, thanks Pepper

America’s Ass: Thank God. See you both later – please don’t get arrested again!

Scarlett Bitch: See you both later - glad it's all sorted!!!

Hawkeye: no promises Cap

America’s Ass: :/

Metal Arm: See you both at dinner.


America’s Ass is offline

Scarlett Bitch is offline

Metal Arm is offline

Spidermom: fancy going for a walk in central park?

Hawkeye: is the pleb of a human there

Spidermom: maybe

Hawkeye: pancakes first tho

Spidermom: ok

Pepper Potts CEO: NO

Spidermom: fine

Hawkeye: urghhgghghghgh

Spidermom: Barton stop whining

Pepper Potts CEO: what’s the problem now?

Spidermom: he wants pancakes and keeps bugging me bc we’re like 7 blocks from the nearest café

Hawkeye: pancakespancakespancakes

Pepper Potts CEO: … I am going to get drunk and hopefully go into a coma. Please don’t get arrested again.

Hawkeye: byeeee

Spidermom: See you later!!

Pepper Potts CEO: Maybe, if I haven’t gone into an alcohol infused coma by then.


Pepper Potts CEO is offline

Spidermom is offline

Hawkeye is offline



Chapter Text

Everyone is online


Irondad: Happy Birthday kiddo! Get dressed and come over to the Compound by lunchtime, so we can head off for our super cool camping trip!! I’m not one for mushy sentiment, but I want you to know that for the past 2 years, you’ve made me proud daily (except when you’re being a little shit and disobey me) and you mean a lot to me. Hope you have a super cool day bud x

Pepper Potts CEO: Happy 16th Birthday Peter, we all love you so much. I won’t be going on the camping trip, because I’m at a business conference, but I’ll see you when I get back (Tony has your birthday present from me). Have the best day kid <3

Spidermom: Happy Birthday маленький паук!! I can’t believe you’ve been a part of our lives for 2 years already – we couldn’t imagine our crazy dysfunctional family without you now lol. Love you lots and can’t wait to see you soon xo

Hawkeye: Hey squirt – happy birthday! Can’t wait for the trip – our plan will be epic😉

Scarlett Bitch: Happy Birthday Peter!! Xx

Rhodey: Hi Pete – I won’t be on the camping trip, but I hope you have the best day! I’ve given Sam your birthday present, as I’m at the conference with Pepper this afternoon. Happy Birthday and have a good time!:)


Rhodey is offline

Pepper Potts CEO is offline 

America’s Ass: Morning Peter. I would like to wish you a very happy 16th Birthday, and I think I speak for all of us when I say that we are very excited about going camping later! :D

Metal Arm: Happy Bday, I’ve made birthday cookies – this time without salt lol

Green Rage Monster: Happy Birthday Peter, see you soon x

Falcon107: 16?! Whatttt you’re getting old Pete! Jokes, happy birthday😊


Irondad: caps lock Shakespeare


Pointbreak is offline


Irondad: wow rude

Hawkeye: he really had to sign it: Thor, God of Thunder, King of Asgard lmfao ahahaha


Irondad: <3

Nicholas Fury: Happy Birthday Spiderman.

LittleSpider: Thank you Mr Nicholas Fury Sir!!!


Nicholas Fury is offline

LittleSpider is offline


Scarlett Bitch: god Nick is scary

Falcon107: true

Hawkeye: agree

Spidermom: you guys are such wimps – there’s nothing scary about him

Irondad: says the person who is currently holding a knife to Steve’s throat bc he took the last waffle and is literally making him cry

Spidermom: I’m sick of people taking my food ok

Hawkeye: throwback to when we were arrested bc a guy took your bagel and smoothie lol

Spidermom: that was like a week ago, get over it

Irondad: hold on what the fuck

Irondad: you were fucking arrested?!?!?!?!?!?

Hawkeye: how could you not know

Pepper Potts CEO: Are you fucking kidding me. What did we talk about?

Hawkeye: don’t mention the bagel jail story again??

Spidermom: don’t talk about last Tuesday ever again

Pepper Potts CEO: and what did you just do

Hawkeye: heh oops

Irondad: you were arrested?!?! Pepper what the shit, why didn’t you tell me!?

Pepper Potts CEO: I sorted it out, it’s all fine. They were barely in jail for an hour

Irondad: how was it not all over the news?!?!

Scarlett Bitch: they were n.o 1 trending on twitter #avengersjailbreak

Pepper Potts CEO: Because I’m good at my job and managed to cover it up well. Speaking of my job, I have a conference in Washington that I’m attending with Rhodey, so I need to go. Have fun camping and please try not to cause my PR team any more problems.


Pepper Potts CEO is offline


Spidermom: read up Tony to the messages from last Tuesday

Green Rage Monster: jeez Nat! You could have really hurt that man

Hawkeye: believe me she wanted to do more than break his arm

Spidermom: he’s fine – but his car isn’t 😉

Irondad: WTF! You seriously broke a guys arm bc he took your bagel

Spidermom: basically yeah

Metal Arm: What did you do to his car?!

Irondad: oh god

Hawkeye: relax it’s fine

Spidermom: we both slashed his tyres and bc he wanted the last bagel so much, we filled his car with over 100 mouldy bagels, but he can’t pin anything on us hehehehe

Scarlett Bitch: LMFAO OMFG

Irondad: jfc

Green Rage Monster: haha

Metal Arm: where did you find 100 mouldy bagels?!

Hawkeye: we went to help clean the café up – after we apologised for what happened, the owner unbanned us and we found an old box full of old bagels, so decided to put them to good use

Spidermom: his reaction to his car was priceless – we hid in the bushes haha

Falcon107:  this is the stuff of legend

Irondad: I mean it’s not – please don’t tell Pepper bc im pretty sure she’ll resign

America’s Ass: Tony – there’s a guy at the front door with a huge box???

Scarlett Bitch: oooo I wanna see

Falcon107: wow it’s huge!

Irondad: it’s the kid’s birthday present

Scarlett Bitch: what did you get him?

Irondad: youll find out soon

Hawkeye: tell ussssss

Falcon107: Nat??

Spidermom: hang on I’m busy

Hawkeye: busy being a legend

Spidermom: true tho – give me a few mins, almost done

Irondad: jfc Natasha stop trying to hack into Friday

America’s Ass: here we go again

Metal Arm: Stark you might as well just tell us what you’ve got the kid

Irondad: no fuck off and wait

Green Rage Monster: please tell me that you didn’t get him what I think you’ve got him

Hawkeye: WHAT IS IT

Falcon107: kinda wanna know now

Scarlett Bitch: TELL US

Irondad: I must not tell lies Bruciebear

Green Rage Monster: oh god, how did you manage that?!

Metal Arm: is it like what happened last Christmas - do we need weapons again for whatever is inside?

Irondad: no and I’m literally Ironman Bruce, it wasn’t that hard


America’s Ass: Come on Tony

Green Rage Monster: I’m horrified but really happy too

America’s Ass: Tony, I speak for the whole team, as it’s now a matter of personal safety for what is inside the box, so you have to tell us.


Green Rage Monster: it’s not dangerous don’t worry, you’ll all like it a lot


Irondad: don’t even think about it Romanoff it’s a surprise

Scarlett Bitch: FUCKING TELL US

Falcon107: TELL US

Spidermom: Seriously, you’ve bought Lego? How did you even manage that?

Irondad: wow why would you expose me like that

Hawkeye: is that it – all he did was shop online Nat??

Falcon107: which set did you buy him

Scarlett Bitch: great, more pieces for me for my feet to get impaled on

Spidermom: no I mean he’s literally bought the fucking Lego Brand

Irondad: NaTaShA sToP

America’s Ass: So just to clarify, for Peter’s 16th Birthday, you’ve bought him the Lego Company?

Irondad: in my defence it was meant to be a surprise

Spidermom: There are literally signed documents stating that Tony is now the president of the Lego Company and Peter is the heir when he turns 21

Metal Arm: wow

Hawkeye: that is so fucking cool

Falcon107: wtf is inside this giant box then?!

Metal Arm: knowing Stark, probably the fucking CEO of the Company

Hawkeye: pretty sure that’s kidnapping

Scarlett Bitch: have you seriously bought a person?!!?!

Spidermom: how many times Tony, you can’t buy people ffs

Irondad: no I haven’t bought a person Natasha.

Hawkeye: can I get the death star pls

Falcon107: I want the Simpsons set

America’s Ass: me and Bucky will have the Jurassic Park set please

Green Rage Monster: I’d like the Transformer one please

Scarlett Bitch: can I have the Friends Set in Central Perk?

Irondad: no im not buying you all stuff its expensive

Falcon107: you’re a literal billionaire and it’s your company

Metal Arm: true

Spidermom: what’s in the box Tony I cba looking through the national postage history

Scarlett Bitch: omg there’s another even bigger box!!!!

Metal Arm: It literally can’t fit through the door wtf

Hawkeye: omg is it a puppy

Spidermom: shut up Clint

Falcon107: what’s in the first and second box?!?!?!?

Irondad: In the 1st box is one of every Lego Set that I have bought for Peter and then all of you have your own ones too bc I knew you’d all want at least one set each, so have fun and in the 2nd box are the tents for the camping trip this afternoon

Hawkeye: how the holy shit are we meant to carry those into a field they’re huge

America’s Ass: Tony these aren’t tents

Irondad: well I didn’t like the idea of sleeping in the mud, so we’re going glamping

Spidermom: what the fuck is glamping

Metal Arm: you didn’t think to share with the team before you decided this


Hawkeye: glamping sounds like a disease ‘ew I have a bad case of glamping’

Scarlett Bitch: omfg true ahahaha

Green Rage Monster: I’m not carrying all this

Falcon107: dude why are they so big


Spidermom: this is the exact one he’s bought – he bought 4 of them, so guess we’re bunking up, it’s basically a posher version of camping

Irondad: can’t anything be private anymore

Spidermom: nope

Hawkeye: no

America’s Ass: Tony, you’re living with assassin spies, geniuses, super soldiers and enhanced people, so no

Irondad: right whatever…

Metal Arm: Wanda put the lego down!

Scarlett Bitch: fuck off I’m building central perk

Spidermom: Everyone shut up the Kid’s here – DO NOT tell him about the lego stuff. Put it all back!

Irondad: Cap can you take the boxes to the spare room on the 3rd floor?

America’s Ass: already on it – Bucky give me a hand


*Irondad deleted all messages from the past hour*


LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: I’M READY LET’S GO CAMPING!!!!

Hawkeye: actually we’re going gla enfdnjdsf wo njgwif i0-e28 bfeon

Irondad: thanks Nat

Spidermom: yep

Scarlett Bitch: ha you made Clint cry Natasha

America’s Ass: he was going to spoil the surprise!

Irondad: presents first and then we’re going to set off bud. Who’s going first?

Falcon107: here Kid this is my present and here’s Rhodeys.

Spidermom: nice


Falcon107: no worries kiddo, but I’m still gonna whoop your ass on Mario Kart xD

Irondad: what did Rhodey get you?

LittleSpider: idk what it is? It’s just a blank envelope??? There’s nothing inside???

Spidermom: something fell out and is under your seat

LittleSpider: Uncle Rhodey bought me a voucher for the Science Shop I like and it has £120 on it!!!!!!

Irondad: wow! You can call him before we head off😊

Hawkeye: happy 16th here’s mine squirt

LittleSpider: Yeah I will do Mr Stark!



LittleSpider: omgicantbreathern

Green Rage Monster: that’s so cool

Metal Arm: when I was 16, I just got $2???

America’s Ass: same, but things have changed a lot Bucky, just go with it – that’s what I do

Scarlett Bitch: AWESOME!!!

Spidermom: you bought him a fucking tarantula, seriously

Falcon107: im going to throw up GET IT THE FUCNK AWSU FRIM ME PETR

Hawkeye: chill it’s not real – it’s a really cool remote controlled one that he wanted a few months ago

Irondad: great, doesn’t help that it looks very real


Scarlett Bitch: anywayyyyy, here’s my present Peter!!

LittleSpider: that’s so sweet!!!!!! Thank you Wanda I LOVE IT!

Hawkeye: aw

Falcon107: cool!!!

Irondad: I can borrow it though right?

Green Rage Monster: That will help you in the lab eh Peter!?

LittleSpider: definitely!! I love it, thanks Wanda and no Mr Stark it’s my coffee machine ok

Irondad: pft anyway here’s Peppers gift

America’s Ass: don’t cry Peter!

Metal Arm: someone hug the kid jfc

Scarlett Bitch: Nat’s nearest

Spidermom: on it

Green Rage Monster: I can’t see what it is from here!

Scarlett Bitch: same

Irondad: remember last movie night when EVERYONE was here?

Hawkeye: everyone?

America’s Ass: yeah like the guardians, Scott, Thor, Shuri, T’challa???

Metal Arm: yeah…

Irondad: Pepper must have taken a sneaky photo of us all – probably asked Friday to – and she’s put it in a frame with ‘My Family,’ written at the bottom of it! It’s pretty nice actually.

Scarlett Bitch: awh <3

Hawkeye: classic Pepper

Spidermom: shut up Clint

Hawkeye: yes ma’am

LittleSpider: wow ok I wasn’t emotionally ready for that ok im fine now thanks

America’s Ass: Here you go Peter, I hope you like it.

Irondad: jfc


Hawkeye: I cntbreathgefomgomgomgomg

America’s Ass: will he ever call me Steve?

Green Rage Monster: probably not

Scarlett Bitch: hahahah Tony’s face

Spidermom: omg look at the Kid – he looks so cute!!! Hang on I’ll take a picture

Irondad: capsicle we’re gonna be having words later

America’s Ass: shut up Tony, the Kid’s happy, look at his face!


Spidermom sent JPEG ‘PeterinCapPj’s’ to Avengers Group Chat


Falcon107: <3

Irondad: cute but we all know I’m his favourite

Spidermom: hem hem

Green Rage Monster: think you mean me

Scarlett Bitch: woah what

Hawkeye: stop arguingggggg we all know he prefers me

Metal Arm: shut up. Here’s my gift Peter.

LittleSpider: Thank you so much Mr Barnes, but urrr…what is it?

Irondad: you bought my Kid a fucking bomb?!?!?!?!?!?!

America’s Ass: Bucky!

Hawkeye: omg what is it

Spidermom: you bought a 16 year old, a limonka…seriously Bucky?!

Metal Arm: it’s a cool gift! No I didn’t buy it. It’s the same one I had during WW2. It’s good for a quick getaway. There’s 6 others inside the box.

Falcon107: wtf

Scarlett Bitch: so I went to the bathroom and come back to find Peter holding a fucking grenade???

Irondad: blame Barnes

LittleSpider: wow!!! Thanks Mr Barnes – I’m sure I’ll put them to good use!!

Green Rage Monster: ok, so mine isn’t as dangerous as 7 grenades. Here you go Pete

Irondad: ‘isn’t as dangerous’ … how about not at all?!


Spidermom: anyone else confused as to what the hell it is

Hawkeye: yup

Scarlett Bitch: me

Falcon107: me

America’s Ass: yes

Metal Arm: Yes

Irondad: it’s Levitating Water

Hawkeye: the fuck is that

Irondad: it’s literally water droplets inside this tube thing that makes it look like it’s raining upwards


Scarlett Bitch: who’s left?

America’s Ass: Nat, Thor and Tony

Irondad: here’s Thor’s present bud – I have no idea what it is

Green Rage Monster: I know what it is😊

LittleSpider: no WAY

Hawkeye: OMG!!!!!!

Irondad: what is it?

Falcon107: COOL!!!!!

Scarlett Bitch: omg that is epic!

America’s Ass: I think it’s some sort of laser?

Irondad: oh ffs I told him no

Spidermom: A demi-god bought him a nerf laser tag set?



Irondad: no because we are already behind schedule sorry kid; we’ll all have a go later on in the woods or something. Anyway, who’s next?

Spidermom: here’s my present kid

Scarlett Bitch: wow Nat that’s beautiful!!

Green Rage Monster: that’s so sweet

Metal Arm: kid’s crying again

Hawkeye: on it

Irondad: did you buy him a necklace with gibberish?

Irondad: ow! Don’t throw stuff at me Nat!

Spidermom: it’s Russian for BabySpider

Falcon107: who’s left for presents?

Irondad: best for last. Happy Birthday Peter <3

LittleSpider: wow this box is big

Irondad: Open the envelope first please Bud

LittleSpider: ok – I hope it’s a voucher

Metal Arm: Pete?

Green Rage Monster: ummm…

Scarlett Bitch: oh god

Spidermom: has he just fainted?

Irondad: what am I supposed to do?!!?!?!

Falcon107: he’s waking up, everyone back off!

America’s Ass: he’s literally shaking

Green Rage Monster: I knew this was a bad idea Tony – I told you not to!

Irondad: look at his smile, he’s fine



Irondad: You’re more than welcome. I’m in charge though until you’re 21. Look inside the box

Metal Arm: wow that kid can scream loud

Hawkeye: annnnnnnnd headache

Spidermom: stop moaning, the kid’s just excited.

Scarlett Bitch: I love seeing him this happy <3

America’s Ass: when are we off camping???

Irondad: in 10 minutes

Falcon107: Tony just told Peter we’re off glamping, so he asked what that meant and Tony said camping with a gl LMFAO

Green Rage Monster: omg hahaha

Spidermom: Bucky stop trying to hide the grenades in Peter’s bag!

Metal Arm: what if there’s an emergency and we need them?

Spidermom: in the middle of a field?!

Metal Arm: you can’t be too careful Romanoff

Spidermom: ffs

LittleSpider: I just want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart. This has been the best birthday ever so far and not just because of the presents, because I get to spend it with all of you and I’m so excited to go glamping <3 but ,….. thanks for all the AMAZING presents!!!!!

Irondad: No worries Kiddo. We all love you. Let’s get going!


Everyone is offline

Chapter Text

Falcon107 is online

Spidermom is online

Hawkeye is online

Metal Arm is online


Falcon107: if you don’t give us those marshmallows back in the next 6 seconds I’m going to lose my shit

Spidermom: innocent until proven guilty Wilson


Hawkeye: don’t know what ur talking about

Spidermom: ^

Falcon107: I’m going to get them back

Metal Arm: this is war, you’re going to pay for this

Spidermom: it’s like being threatened by 2 baby hamsters haha


Hawkeye is offline

Spidermom is offline

Falcon107 is offline

Metal Arm is offline


America’s Ass is online

Irondad is online


Irondad: we’ve only been here an hour and I want to kill myself

America’s Ass: Tony, we literally just set the tents up – what’s the problem?

Irondad: where do you think Nat, Barnes, Legolas and Sam are

America’s Ass: ???

Irondad: walk to the trees on your left and duck

America’s Ass: ok…


America’s Ass is offline


LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: MR STARK

Irondad: what

LittleSpider: there’s no toilets here

Irondad: jfc – Peter we’ve been over this, there are no toilets because we are in the middle of a field

LittleSpider: but I need to go pee BAD

Irondad: then do what we discussed – it’s a few minutes walk, past the tents and behind those big trees


Irondad: Just go already

LittleSpider: fine


LittleSpider is offline


America’s Ass is online


America’s Ass: Thanks for not telling me what was going on Tony, bc now I’m soaked and am hiding in a tree

Irondad: I said to duck

America’s Ass: I did and Barton shot me in the face

Irondad: oh well keep all the shooting to a minimum please as we don’t have a medbay on site – only Bruce

America’s Ass: it’s your fault for buying them

Irondad: in my defence, I thought it would be a good bonding activity – I didn’t think they’d be used to decide the fate of a pack of marshmallows

America’s Ass: great, now everyone else is here and they’ve all taken sides

Irondad: who’s winning

America’s Ass: idk I’m still in the tree, but it looks like Wanda has banded with Sam and they are trying to take down Natasha

America’s Ass: never mind she got them

America’s Ass: Clint and Bucky are having a stare down

America’s Ass: Bruce is standing in the middle of the field looking very confused – Natasha’s shouting something at him and he’s running off now

America’s Ass: shit Bruce just tackled Sam

Irondad: ok I’m going to start the BBQ in a minute

America’s Ass: Bucky’s got the marshmallows omg

America’s Ass: oh Natasha’s pinned him to the ground

Irondad: this is better than TV

America’s Ass: what was that?

Irondad: I heard it too????

Irondad: OH FUCK


LittleSpider is online

Spidermom is online

Hawkeye is online

Falcon107 is online

Scarlett Bitch is online

Green Rage Monster is online

Metal Arm is online



Irondad: kid you ok?


Hawkeye: Sorry … :/

America’s Ass: Peter? Where are you? Was that scream you?


Scarlett Bitch: hang on, what’s going on?

Green Rage Monster: idk but I can see your foot


Hawkeye: hehehe I like having Bruce on our team


Spidermom: me and Barton heard a sound, so I signalled Clint to shoot – thinking it was Bucky, then he ended up shooting Peter in the face – who by the looks of his bright red face and his zipper that’s still undone, has just finished peeing

Irondad: ffs, Kid I’m meant the other trees


Spidermom: it was so funny lmao

Hawkeye: sorry squirt but it’s a battlefield here

LittleSpider: I’m not happy.

Metal Arm: Wanda get on my left

Scarlett Bitch: little busy here

Green Rage Monster: I’m so scared rn

Spidermom: shut up and shoot Banner

America’s Ass: right I’m coming in now

Spidermom: ah good, some real competition


Irondad: hey kiddo are you ok?

LittleSpider: yeah, I decided that I’d stake out Mr Barton for revenge and also I want some marshmallows

Hawkeye: kid I’m a trained hunter you can’t seriouslhaOnxiFEABQOU[evih;gqe

LittleSpider: hehehe


Scarlett Bitch: same



LittleSpider: WHO’S TEAM AM I ON

Spidermom: considering you just jumped on top of Barton I’m going to say you’re on the other side aka the side that will lose

LittleSpider: it’s my birthday ☹

Spidermom: kid I don’t care, there’s marshmallows involved #sorrynotsorry


Irondad: ok let’s take these fuckers down kiddo

Scarlett Bitch: Steve you just fucking shot me in the head

America’s Ass: sorry Wanda but everyone for themselves!!!

LittleSpider: I can see you Mr Stark, look to your right

Irondad: let’s do this kid - you ready?

LittleSpider: I was born ready

America’s Ass: oh god

Falcon107: this isn’t gonna end well

Irondad: NOW

Hawkeye: on your 6 Tasha

Spidermom: shit who’s on each team anymore ah fuck it I’m shooting everyone


Scarlett Bitch: H\ANG OJ


Irondad: we’ve got this kid

Green Rage Monster: so now I’m wet and have no idea what side people are on


Irondad: on your right kid

America’s Ass: HIDE BUCKY

America’s Ass: never mind I thought I saw your foot but it was a squirrel


Metal Arm: I can see Stark

Falcon107: who has the package?!

America’s Ass: Not sure


Green Rage Monster: Idk but I’m honestly petrified rn – you all look so murderous

Irondad: @LittleSpider – I can see you, I’m waving at u

Spidermom: whoever is hiding in the bushes is about to get wet


Spidermom: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯



LittleSpider: ahhhhhhhh good idea

Green Rage Monster: oh no please don’t I don’t know what it is but you’re smiling at me and I’m scared

Irondad: NOW KIDDO!!!!

Green Rage Monster: qhipfq3r9t7k yc308r1y9174


Spidermom: fucking move before I hurt you Wanda I want my marshmallows

Metal Arm: What just happened to Bruce?!?!?!

Metal Arm: \WQ RU397  93R1 HP^£t5TP1R3Y80

Hawkeye: what the fuck is going on Tasha I need help I’m scared

Spidermom: too bad I’m in pursuit of my target – help yourself


America’s Ass: Bring it on Romanoff:D

Hawkeye: EFBWOWU35-J OTN2



Irondad: NOW KID

Scarlett Bitch: GOUW IJP24TWJ4



America’s Ass: no way was that Stark and Peter running past with the package?

Spidermom: Barton you fucking moron why didn’t you stop them?!!!!

Hawkeye: while you and Cap were going at it, I was thrown into the lake, along with Bucky, Wanda, Bruce and Sam … by the kid who apparently can also web via his body not just through his suit

Irondad: good job kiddo

LittleSpider: *evil laugh*

Spidermom: are we all thinking the same thing?

Falcon107: depends – what’s the split

America’s Ass: it has to be fair

Hawkeye: 70/30

Metal Arm: 40/60

Bruce: 50/50

Spidermom: 60/40 last offer

Falcon107: done

America’s Ass: done

Irondad: hang on what’s going on?

LittleSpider: they’re all sore losers

Metal Arm: done

Scarlett Bitch: done

Green Rage Monster: done

LittleSpider: urrrrrrr….Mr Stark?

Hawkeye: done

Spidermom: Steve it’s your line

America’s Ass: AVENGERS

America’s Ass: ASSEMBLE

Irondad: OH FUCK


Falcon107: man these taste nice

Metal Arm: the pink ones are amazing

Spidermom: job well done

Hawkeye: the sweet taste of success

America’s Ass: kinda feel bad about Tony and Peter though

Falcon107: nah they deserved it Cap

Scarlett Bitch: if we had to take an impromptu swim, then so did they

Metal Arm: true Stark screams like a girl ahaha

Irondad: shut up the water was freezing and I didn’t plan on taking a dunk in the lake

LittleSpider: it was fun though! Hey can we use my new nerf laser tag guns now instead of the water guns???!!

Hawkeye: fucking yes

Spidermom: absolutely yes

America’s Ass: yes but we’re picking teams this time

Scarlett Bitch: yas

Green Rage Monster: How many water and laser based guns did we bring?!

Metal Arm: Definitely.

Falcon107: I’m in

Irondad: I bought us all water guns for this trip, and then the Kid has a set of 7 laser nerf guns from Thor, so 2 of us will need to use the water guns still. Dibs on the big water gun!!!! let’s do this:D


Everyone is offline


LittleSpider is online

Irondad is online

America’s Ass is online

Hawkeye is online

Spidermom is online

Falcon107 is online

Scarlett Bitch is online

Green Rage Monster is online

Metal Arm is online


Irondad: Barton if I have to tell you one more fucking time to stop trying to take the burgers I’m going to lose my shit

America’s Ass: Tony chill out. This trip is for Peter, no swearing

Irondad: fuck off Capsicle I’m giving you a burnt one now

Spidermom: will the rest of us get any food or???

Irondad: listen, manning the BBQ is hard work ok and Peter, Bruce and Wanda got served first bc they weren’t PISSING ME OFF

Spidermom: Stark you’ve been cooking for 30 minutes and only 3 of us have had food – which was all fucking burnt, so it wasn’t eaten anyway

Irondad: blame Legolas

Spidermom: no I blame you because you clearly can’t cook

Hawkeye: I’m hungry ok and youre taking forever Tony

Irondad: wow thanks guys

Hawkeye: jeez don’t quit your day job, service here is appalling

Scarlett Bitch: don’t even start, we all had burnt sausages – I could have written my name with it, we wouldn’t dare eat it

Hawkeye: I’m about to eat fucking grass in a minute

Spidermom: remember when I made that grass soup in China?

Hawkeye: yeah omg can you make it now? It was quite nice

Spidermom: we’re not in china and we’re in the middle of a fucking field

Hawkeye: wouldn’t stop a true chef thou]heubfeo[q802

America’s Ass: stop throwing knives Natasha, everyone’s hungry and we need to sort the bbq out

Irondad: I’m so close to losing my shit rn

Metal Arm: move over

Irondad: fucking make me tinman

America’s Ass: Tony just let Bucky give it a go

Spidermom: I have more knives

Green Rage Monster: no fighting or throwing knives ffs


Spidermom: it’s literally the most expensive bbq ever, I’m pretty sure you just can’t cook Tony

America’s Ass: we were all thinking the same thing Nat, but don’t piss him off anymore

Irondad: nice to know I have support guys. Fuck off.

LittleSpider: can someone else try bc I’m really hungry now I need to eat more than one burnt burger and half a corn on the cob, which I actually didn’t eat bc it looked like charcoal

Falcon107: yeah I don’t give a shit who’s in charge, just someone give me food that isn’t burnt

Hawkeye: m00d

Spidermom: same

America’s Ass: yep

Green Rage Monster: I agree

Scarlett Bitch: true

Irondad: fine, I want a cheeseburger then

LittleSpider: let’s play a game while we wait

Hawkeye: ok you pick

LittleSpider: I spy with my little eye…something beginning with…G

Irondad: goose – the one by the lake over on the left?

LittleSpider: no

Spidermom: glass of gin – 2 guesses

LittleSpider: no and no

America’s Ass: Glade?

LittleSpider: no but good guess

Hawkeye: giant

Falcon107: dude where the fuck is there a giant and they don’t even exist

Hawkeye: that’s how you play I spy duh

Irondad: I have no words

Green Rage Monster: Clint, how do you play I spy

LittleSpider: you don’t know?!?!?!

Green Rage Monster: well obviously I know how to play it properly, but I want to know how Clint thinks you play

Hawkeye: you guess the weirdest thing and then you win obviously that’s the game

LittleSpider: that’s not how you play I spy Mr Barton

Hawkeye: wtf yes it is

Green Rage Monster: it isn’t at all

Irondad: someone put me out of my misery – this conversation is painful

Scarlett Bitch: are we seriously arguing about this

Spidermom: apparently

Falcon107: -_-

Irondad: looks like it

Spidermom: he grew up in a circus, so clearly that’s how he plays – but Barton you just guess what someone picks that’s in your line of vision – real things and not imaginary

Hawkeye: nah that’s boring af

America’s Ass: it’s the rules and you agreed to play it. I think Bucky is almost done though

LittleSpider: So, who wants a go?

Spidermom: giant fucking dickhead?

LittleSpider: no smh

Irondad: ahahah who Natasha?

Spidermom: you for not being able to cook

Scarlett Bitch: LMFAO

Green Rage Monster: ahaha

Hawkeye: SAVAGE

Falcon107: xD

Irondad: wow didn’t come here to be attacked Nat

Spidermom: should have thought of that before you decided not to bother telling us you burn everything you ‘cook’

America’s Ass: Peter, what were you thinking of for I – Spy?

LittleSpider: grass.

Spidermom: lmfao that was my next guess

Irondad: sure it was

LittleSpider: you’re all spy assassins, superheroes and geniuses, but you couldn’t guess ‘grass’ – considering we’re literally sitting on a blanket on top of it xD

Falcon107: I’m honestly starving at this point I’ll eat the fucking grass

Metal Arm: phones down – grubs up😊

LittleSpider: I might be starving and very wet still, but this is the best trip ever and we’ve only been here for like 4 hours! THANKS MR BARNES :D

Hawkeye: BURGERS

Scarlett Bitch: YUM!!!!!


America’s Ass: thanks Buck

Green Rage Monster: Thanks Bucky:D

Spidermom: good work Barnes

Irondad: you're now in charge of the bbq Elsa

Metal Arm: no problem, glad I could help and I kinda gathered that already Tony.



Spidermom: boys play nice

Scarlett Bitch: theres a spider on your tshirt Peter

LittleSpider: 3RG19U139] U2T GT97 105G

Chapter Text

LittleSpider is online

Irondad is online

Spidermom is online

Hawkeye is online

America’s Ass is online

Metal Arm is online

Scarlett Bitch is online

Falcon107 is online

Green Rage Monster is online



America’s Ass: Tony – theres 6 tents and 9 of us, so who’s bunking up tonight, as all our bags are currently piled up in front of one of the tents and it’s starting to get dark…

Hawkeye: also why do the tents have a weird ribbon thing of different colours on the zip??

Irondad:: I’m giving you all a tent with a colour Legolas – they’re stuck on, so there’s no swapping about, Capsicle, the tent allocations for the next 3 days are as follows

Me – Gold

Peter – Blue

The 2 master assassins – Purple

Barnes and Cap – Red

Wanda – Pink

Sam and Bruce – Green


LittleSpider: I’m next to you Mr Stark!!!!!!

Irondad: Kid I made the tent allocations I know. Your super hot Aunt also made me take on a loco-parentis thing, so I’m your temporary guardian for the next 3 days, which is also why your tent is close to me, incase you need me, but obvs you can go to any of us<3

LittleSpider: <3 I’m off to unpack!!!!

Irondad: Bud, I’ll give you a hand. Everyone meet up by my tent in 10 minutes, so we can have a campfire and celebrate the kid’s bday

America’s Ass: sounds good! Bucky where are you??

Metal Arm: already in the tent Stevie and I’m top bunk:D

America’s Ass: crap


Irondad is offline

LittleSpider is offline

America’s Ass is offline

Metal Arm is offline


Falcon107: wow who knew that Stark had a heart

Hawkeye: ikr

Spidermom: hang on, why the holy fuck am I sharing with Barton

Scarlett Bitch: bc you’re best friends…

Hawkeye: I’m feeling the love Natasha

Spidermom: dibs on the top bunk


Spidermom: heheh

Falcon107: cant argue with dibs, Clint

Green Rage Monster: true, it’s like the law

Scarlett Bitch: I mean it’s not the law but whatever

Falcon107: was that a scream?

Green Rage Monster: sounded kind of like a man though?

Scarlett Bitch: that was defo Clint

Hawkeye: FFS

Scarlett Bitch: what’s happened?!?

Falcon107: ^

Green Rage Monster: ^


Irondad is online


Irondad: did you find my little surprise for you???

Hawkeye: I hate you



America’s Ass is online

Metal Arm is online


Metal Arm: why did I hear Clint scream and why can I hear Natasha crying with laughter from the tent next to us?

Hawkeye: Stark has bought me the hunger games bed linen – with a giant picture of that weird moody teenager


Irondad: Knew you’d like it😊


Green Rage Monster: it’s only for 3 days Clint it can’t be that bad


Hawkeye sent a JPEG of ‘theworstdayofmylife’ to Avengers Group Chat


Green Rage Monster: ok that’s pretty bad ngl

Falcon107: LMFAOOOO


Metal Arm: Any ideas Steve?

America’s Ass: I honestly have no idea what is going on

Irondad: what’s going on is that I’m a fucking genius

America’s Ass:

Irondad: someone clue the 100 year old grandpa in

Falcon107: Wanda you’re obsessed with it right???

Scarlett Bitch: Yepppppp I’ve read them 6 times and I know the films word by word. SO Cap and Bucky, you know how Tony calls Clint ‘Katniss’ sometimes

Metal Arm: yeah

America’s Ass: Yes?

Scarlett Bitch: it’s from this famous set of books and films called the Hunger Games. The main character is a teenage girl called Katniss Everdeen and Stark thought it would be funny to buy Clint a kids duvet with her face on it for the next 3 days

Metal Arm: oh

America’s Ass: I understood Tony’s Legolas reference, but I’m still very confused about this Katniss person

Scarlett Bitch: next movie night we’ll watch it Steve. You’ll like it😊

America’s Ass: :D

Falcon107: I’ll be there if there’s popcorn, love me some hunger games

America’s Ass: okay, why is there only 6 of us here???

Scarlett Bitch: sorry, here!

America’s Ass: okay 7 – Tony, who are we missing??

Irondad: tweedle dum and tweedle dee get your butts over here now – stop fangirling over Katniss’s bed sheets

Spidermom: we’re coming - that was so funny though

Spidermom: omg even the lamp shade matches lmfao xD

Hawkeye: that’s it, just dig that knife in a little bit deeper there Nat, just bc you’ve got nice purple sheets and a plain lampshade :’(

Spidermom: #sorrynotsorry

Irondad: can the 2 assassins please for the love of GOD, join the rest of us outside my tent bc I have a 16 year old who is about to wet himself with excitement over his first ever campfire

Spidermom: shut up Tony we’re here

Irondad: great – let’s go – follow the pathway up this little hill for a few minutes

Green Rage Monster: where are we going exactly?

America’s Ass: I have no idea

Irondad: you’ll see in about 116 seconds

Scarlett Bitch: plot twist – we’re going cliff jumping

Irondad: I can guarantee you that we’re not doing that ever

Metal Arm: ghost walk?

Spidermom: it’s literally 6pm, who goes on a ghost walk when it’s still light?

Hawkeye: us apparently

Irondad: nope – here we are though

Scarlett Bitch: holy shit

Metal Arm: ^

Falcon107: wow

Hawkeye: omg

Spidermom: !!!

America’s Ass: That’s incredible Tony!

Green Rage Monster: this is amazing!

Irondad: Thanks, just a little something I put together for us and for the Kid


LittleSpider is online



Irondad: had to make it special – you’re only 16 once 😊 glad you like it kiddo, happy birthday


Hawkeye: are we going skinny dipping later or???

America’s Ass: no Clint the hot tub is for relaxing, if you want to do that, then go to the lake

Green Rage Monster: how about we don’t do that at all?!

Hawkeye: kill joy :/

Spidermom: have you seen the campfire Pete?


Metal Arm: so I’m not one for fairylights and stuff but this is kinda sweet


Irondad: I did that for everyone – help yourselves and have fun

Spidermom: stop sneaking marshmallows before I end you Barton

Irondad: We’re having s’mores, so I only put a handful out for the hot chocolates

Spidermom: yeah well Clint ate them all

America’s Ass: smh

Falcon107: chocolate dust?

Irondad: literally powdered chocolate – one per cup bc I don’t want everyone all hyper

LittleSpider: hey Mr Stark?

Irondad: what’s up bud?

LittleSpider: what do we do now?

Irondad: well everyone is doing their own thing atm and bc we aren’t all sat together, we could tell stories on here? Who wants to go first?

America’s Ass: do they have to be true or not?

Metal Arm: do they have to be happy stories

Spidermom: idk

Irondad: has anyone ever actually fucking gone camping before, except me and Clint? Probably should have asked this before …

America’s Ass: no actually – that’s why so many of us wanted to go

Spidermom: I mean I’ve camped out in a tent, in a snow blizzard in the depths of the Russian winter. I was on a stealth mission at Shield and had to take out a military base of 42 soldiers. It was hard in the snow, but we drank hot chocolate and told stories sometimes, you know before the rest of the team died. I only made it out with one gun-shot wound, so I even managed to go swimming one morning. So it’s kind of the same as now

Irondad: apart from the snow, the mission, everyone dying and you almost dying…yeah, that could count as similar.

Scarlett Bitch: I’ve been camping with my brother before in our garden, but this is a lot weirder and also better than what we did

Green Rage Monster: I’ve never been camping, but as the Hulk, I crushed a few people once who were in a tent – they were making weird shapes with a torch and telling stories

Irondad: ok, so let’s tell some stories then. They can be scary ones or real ones, or scary real ones – just remember that we all want to actually sleep tonight, so nothing too traumatising please if you can avoid it. Who’s going first?

Hawkeye: once upon a time there livewdHOpieqf4-JOS9

Spidermom: someone else go first

LittleSpider: poor Mr Barton – you made him cry Auntie Nat!

Spidermom: he’ll be fine, I refuse to listen to a fairytale

Irondad: ffs. I’ll go first. Okay, so it was 2006 and me and @Rhodey were in Cyprus, having a great time, when all of a sudden there was a giant bang on the roof

LittleSpider: :O what was it??!?!?!?

Hawkeye: omg the tension

Spidermom: was it a bomb

Irondad: why the fuck would it be a bomb?

Spidermom: how do I know?! What was it

Irondad: a rooftile fell off


Scarlett Bitch: is that the whole story?

Irondad: yeah

Spidermom: that’s the worst story in the history of the world

Hawkeye: my fairytale story would have been better than that

Spidermom: anything would have been better than that

America’s Ass: Tony, that’s the worst story I’ve ever heard in my life and I’m like 114

Metal Arm: how can you not know how old you are

America’s Ass: I lost track after like 92 tbh

Metal Arm: same though

Spidermom: ANYWAY, everyone is practically falling asleep after that terrible story …

Irondad: listen I fucking tried ok

Scarlett Bitch: this is painful to listen to

Green Rage Monster: is this really how you successfully go camping? I’m not having fun

Falcon107: same

Metal Arm: im so bored

LittleSpider: anyone else wanna tell a story that isn’t a fairytale and doesn’t suck?

Irondad: wow thanks for that kid

LittleSpider: sorry Mr Stark but that was the worst story I’ve ever heard

Irondad: you tell one then

Falcon107: this will be good

Spidermom: oh god – please don’t let this be a true one

America’s Ass:

LittleSpider: did I ever tell you all the time that I almost died


Spidermom: there’s been so many times you’ll have to be more specific

LittleSpider: when a taco almost caused my demise

Hawkeye: wtaf

Falcon107: a taco!??! TELL US

Scarlett Bitch: pls spill the tea

LittleSpider: settle down kids and listen to this absolute belter

America’s Ass: this can’t be good

Spidermom: continue kid

LittleSpider: ok so I was on patrol a few weeks ago and I was hungry, so I swung away happily minding my own business as usual when I saw a taco bell

Irondad: my rooftop story was better than this

Spidermom: no it wasn’t stfu, Peter continue

LittleSpider: ok so I’d never actually ordered from taco bell before so I texted ned and asked him which one wasn’t too spicy bc I cough a lot with spices etc and if I eat anything too spicy now I’m a spider, apparently according to Bruce I could go into cardiac arrest so I wanted to be EXTRA CAREFUL – remember that for later on

Green Rage Monster: glad you actually listened to my medical advice for once.

Metal Arm: I mean he hasn’t finished the story yet so I’m pretty sure this isn’t going to end well

Hawkeye: lmfao true

LittleSpider: so I ring Ned and im like ‘yo dude which one isn’t spicy and stuff’ then he goes ‘oh the one with the green label is nice on the menu’ so I said ‘ok dude THE LIGHT GREEN OR THE DARK GREEN’ and HE SAID EITHER BC THEY HAVE THE SAME INGREDIENTS

LittleSpider: spoiler alert, they didn’t have the same ingredients, the one that I chose had one of the spiciest spices in it ever and approximately 13 minutes later I was in intensive care in the hospital – still in my costume and mask, which I had to fucking web to my face as they kept trying to take it off when I got into the hospital

Scarlett Bitch: ahahah Tony looks like hes gonna pass out

Spidermom: why the holy fuck didn’t you go to the medbay

LittleSpider: well I couldn’t bc of what happened in the ambulance

America’s Ass: what happened?

Falcon107: Best. Story. Ever.

LittleSpider: well from what I remember I was eating my taco and then I woke up in an ambulance after passing out in taco bell. So I told the medical people that I was allergic to spicy stuff and thankfully they managed to pump me full of drugs that stopped my throat swelling

Spidermom: but why didn’t you swing back to the medbay at the compound

LittleSpider: bc I was worried that I would go back into cardiac arrest like I did in the ambulance and also I passed out again and I woke up in the hospital being kept alive by a machine

Spidermom: fairs

Hawkeye: you had a heart attack in the ambulance

LittleSpider: an inconvenient heart problem, but basically yes

Green Rage Monster: omfg this was last Tuesday?! You told me that you’d just eaten a bad burger and went to A&E for a little check up, which is why you were late back from patrol

LittleSpider: potato potáto

Metal Arm: Tony’s looking green

Scarlett Bitch: what happened next

LittleSpider: so I woke up after my heart attack and passing out, to being wired to hospital machines and stuff and was like yo guys I’m fine chill out, then they let me go, but the manager of taco bell contacted me and made me sign a waiver that I wouldn’t press charges as he and his employees ‘were freaking out that they almost killed Spiderman’ so they decided to make me an official sponsor as an apology for causing me cardiac arrest, even tho it was my fault technically because I trusted my fucking ‘best friend’ who almost fucking killed me

Falcon107: holy FUCK is that why taco bell has got a ton of Spiderman merch atm

LittleSpider: yep

Spidermom: jfc it was your fault for not reading the ingredients

LittleSpider: techincially it was Ned’s fault for not telling me that the two different green colours were in fact not the same ingredients

Irondad: so many emotions so much anxiety

LittleSpider: basically the moral of the story my dudes is to always read the ingredients at taco bell

Hawkeye: feel like I’ve just been on an emotional rollercoaster

Irondad: same – kid you’re banned from taco bell

LittleSpider: !!! WTF NO

Irondad: don’t even argue with me

LittleSpider: smh I didn’t like the tacos anyway so whatever

Scarlett Bitch: maybe bc you almost died????

LittleSpider: true tho

America’s Ass: ok…great, so anyone else fancy going next? Anyone got a good horror story?

Spidermom: Yes

Falcon107: god that sounded scary and she hasn’t even started yet

Hawkeye: Tasha I want to sleep tonight pls

Scarlett Bitch: this will be amazing

Irondad: go for it Romanoff

Spidermom: So in the Red Room, when we were little, we were told horror stories to keep us in line sometimes, you know the usual: don’t go outside when it’s dark or you’ll be shot on sight, or if you don’t do your daily routines then the guards will sacrifice you to the demon who lives in the basement etc

LittleSpider: um that isn’t really usual stuff you tell kids to keep them in line…

America’s Ass: oh god this is going to be bad isn’t it

Spidermom: depends on what your definition of bad is

Scarlett Bitch: continue pleaseeee

Spidermom: Right. So one night me and a few others were all telling stories in our sleeping area and someone told a story about a little girl from about 20 years before – which is apparently a true story in Russia. There was an old building – like the one we passed earlier today; but apparently an angry old woman ghost haunted the building and has done since she died over 150 years ago. Anyway, the girl from 20 years before was called Lydia and one night on a dare from her friends, she snuck out of her room and went all the way to this building by herself, to stay in the abandoned garden until the sun came up

Irondad: dumbass kid

Falcon107: why would she go there without an adult smh

Spidermom: Shut up and listen

Spidermom: Lydia made her way into the garden and waited to go home until the sun was almost about to come up, when she heard a creaking sound, coming from the backdoor – which was creepy, as according to her friends, it was always locked.

LittleSpider: this is a true story?

Scarlett Bitch: she said it was so shushhhh

Spidermom: yes it’s apparently a true story. Anyway, Lydia couldn’t see much because it was still kind of dark, but she heard a scratching sound coming from the back door, which slowly opened

Hawkeye: :O

Spidermom: legend has it, that she went inside and everything went silent. No wind, no insects, not even the sound of her own breath, until she heard a croaky womans voice saying ‘I see you, time to die’ and then Lydia felt a knife pierce her stomach. The single light above her head flicked on and she watched as the old woman laughed and stabbed her again and again, watching the blood stain the floor, as Lydia died. The old woman then took Lydia’s body into the forest that surrounded the house and threw it into the river. Apparently if you step foot into the room, then the old woman will kidnap you, stab you and pull you under the depths of the river and you’ll never be seen again

Irondad: jfc Natasha

Metal Arm: good bye sleep

Hawkeye: stop fucking looking at me Sam

Falcon107: you’re trembling man


America’s Ass: Peter?

Scarlett Bitch: he’s over by the hottub and is proper shaking and he looks a bit sick

Irondad: you alright bud?

Green Rage Monster: Great, Natasha’s traumatised the Kid and Clint bc he’s rocking back and forth

LittleSpider: mr stark we’re surrounded by trees and a river I don’t want to die and what if the old woman comes down from the house we drove past earlier and kills me and im really scared

Metal Arm: Peter it’s not real

Spidermom: it is according to legend

America’s Ass: Natasha stop scaring the kid

Irondad: ok thanks Nat now everyone needs some form of therapy… Legolas can you please tell us your fairy tale now bc I want us all to be able to sleep tonight

Spidermom: Do I win best story?

Falcon107: you made the kid cry Natasha

Metal Arm: aw Tony ran over to him and gave him a hug

Scarlett Bitch: #irondadspiderson

Hawkeye: can we all sit together now pls bc im scared

Spidermom: You all wanted a good story ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Falcon107: Wanda you’re up

Scarlett Bitch: nothing can beat Tasha’s story, Bruce?

Green Rage Monster: I’d rather just listen you all you lot

Irondad: Capsicle you’re like 500, you must have some absolute belters

America’s Ass: I have a few, but they aren’t appropriate

Spidermom: lmfao tell us later

America’s Ass: maybe

Irondad: right, it’s dark now no more scary stories

Hawkeye: I brought my guitar??

Spidermom: fucking why

Hawkeye: well im not going to sleep on it am i

LittleSpider: oooooo play a song please mr barton

America’s Ass: that will be nice

Metal Arm: im not up to date with the latest pop music

Irondad: -___-

Hawkeye: ok here we go buckle up kids

Spidermom: what the fuck kind of song is this

Scarlett Bitch: …is it

LittleSpider: …it is

Green Rage Monster: this cant be good





America’s Ass: bum bum bum

Irondad: hang on even Capsicle knows this?!?!

Metal Arm: it’s that talking sponge right? Yeah he watches it with the kid on Saturday mornings sometimes

Spidermom: I want to stab myself just so I don’t have to listen to this.

Falcon107: mood

LittleSpider: C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song!!! And if you don't think that we can sing it faster then you're wrong!!!! But it'll help if you just sing along WANDA

Scarlett Bitch: C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song!!! And if you don't think that we can sing it faster then you're wrong - but it'll help if you just sing along STEVE

America’s Ass: C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song!!! And if you don't think that we can sing it faster then you're wrong - but it'll help if you just sing along NATASHA


LittleSpider: GOOD!




LittleSpider: WOOOOOOOO

Hawkeye: I’ve never felt happiness like this in my life

Irondad: there are no words

Hawkeye: next song requesttttttt

Spidermom: urgh this is going to be a long night -____-


Everyone is offline

Chapter Text

LittleSpider is online

Irondad is online

America’s Ass is online

Hawkeye is online

Spidermom is online

Falcon107 is online

Scarlett Bitch is online

Green Rage Monster is online

Metal Arm is online


America’s Ass: just for the record, I still think this was a bad idea

Hawkeye: nahhhhh what could go wrong?!

Irondad: it’s totally safe and we’re just having fun

LittleSpider: OMG THIS IS SO MUCH EUGOxdo  g9-]zgdwN ,

Scarlett Bitch: LMFAO he just fell off and rolled down the hill into a bush

Metal Arm: this is amazing.

Spidermom: someone go get the kid jfc

Green Rage Monster: This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever done

Metal Arm: even after we went pond dipping for frogs yesterday

Green Rage Monster: ah true

Falcon107: ITS SO COOL

Hawkeye: Hahaha im in front of u Tasha

Spidermom: look again barton

Hawkeye: crap

LittleSpider: IM ALIVE and kinda itchy actually

Irondad: kid you’re literally behind me I know you’re alive – it’s probably just mosquito bites

America’s Ass: oh it’s on Wanda !!!

Irondad: wanda stop using your powers it’s cheating

Spidermom: who’s in front

Metal Arm: hehehe

Green Rage Monster: Barnes apparently

Falcon107: on your left Rogers

America’s Ass: FUCK NO

Falcon107: cya sucker

Scarlett Bitch: stop trying to derail me parker

LittleSpider: it’s hard to control! Ive never driven one of these befosdou u3r0

Spidermom: there he goes again ffs

Hawkeye: how can he not drive

Metal Arm: hes 16

America’s Ass: h zvqaetg0 f1-93u5

Spidermom: there goes Cap

Scarlett Bitch: none of us know how to drive these things tbh

Hawkeye: you just tipped Steve over!!!

Scarlett Bitch: he was slowing me down driving like an old lady

Falcon107: lmao

Green Rage Monster: tell that to Bucky whos currently over by the river and is way in front of us lot

Spidermom: I’m coming for you Barnes

Metal Arm: bring it on Romanoff

Irondad: Kiddo are you ok?

LittleSpider: yep yep im good hAng 0n


LittleSpider: listen I don’t want brain damage ok

Scarlett Bitch: you should have thought about that before you agreed to grass karting!

Spidermom: leave the kid alone and fucking move out of the way Stark before I stab u

Irondad: stop bumping into me natasha

Spidermom: then move

LittleSpider: OH SHI-9Q315  I=TT0H2

Hawkeye: LMFAO

Irondad: not again kid istg

Scarlett Bitch: hahaha Rogers is peddling like an old man

America’s Ass: im so scared and im peddling at a safe speed ok

Metal Arm: I WON

Scarlett Bitch: I’M 2ND

Hawkeye: bc you cheated!

Scarlett Bitch: no im calling it using my powers to my advantage

Spidermom: wanda you literally tipped Cap over

Scarlett Bitch: sorry Steve

America’s Ass: it’s fine

Metal Arm: wanda I’d move if I was you

Scarlett Bitch: why would Iuow        93g fkas10= hditp-2]

America’s Ass: HAHAHA KARMA

Spidermom: anyone got eyes on the kid?

Irondad: wtf why is wanda in the lake

Hawkeye: cap just threw her in bc she tipped him over earlier

Irondad: oh ok where’s the kid

Green Rage Monster: have we all crossed the finish line?

Metal Arm: we all have but peter hasn’t

Spidermom: oh shit there he is, what’s happened to his face :O

Green Rage Monster: looks like a rash?

Falcon107: why is he covered in red spots

Irondad: jfc

Metal Arm: what is going on

Scarlett Bitch: steve I hate you

Hawkeye: somethings wrong with peters face

Irondad: yeah we fucking know captain obvious

America’s Ass: serves you right wanda – anyway, Peter what happened?!

LittleSpider: so it turns out that the bush I fell into earlier was actually poison ivy

Spidermom: lmfao

Hawkeye: ahahaha

Falcon107: damn that’s gross

Metal Arm: only you would fall into a poison ivy bush

Irondad: jeez kid we’ve only been here a day :/

LittleSpider: don’t worry my spidey powers will get rid of it soon

Green Rage Monster: I came prepared, I’ve got some cream in my tent peter


Green Rage Monster is offline

LittleSpider is offline


America’s Ass: what else have you got planned for today Tony?

Irondad: well as it’s our second to last day, I might have organised a super fun bonding activity on the lake

Spidermom: that lake leads to the sea though right and also it’s mega windy today js

Irondad: yep and I know – we’re going kayaking


Metal Arm: !!!! that’s so cool

Irondad: we aren’t going on rapids or anything, just the lake, so I decided to let you all have a bit of fun, also due to the weather I’ve brought a few suits which will be on stand by incase anything goes wrong

America’s Ass: kayaking?

Hawkeye: like a long boat and we race

America’s Ass: cool, what teams are we on?

Spidermom: these are the boats – Tony’s standing by them, looks like its 3 to a boat, so 3 lots of 3, also I’m gonna beat all your asses bc I’m really good at this

Metal Arm: Steve? Wanda?

Scarlett Bitch: already in a boat Barnes get in

America’s Ass: We’re going to win.

Spidermom: not a chance


LittleSpider is online

Green Rage Monster is online



Irondad: yep u ok now?

Green Rage Monster: he’s completely fine – his spider powers healed him up and the cream basically didn’t do anything lol

LittleSpider: yeah IM FAB – NAT IM ON YOUR TEAM

Irondad: woah kid what the fuck

Spidermom: ok but why

LittleSpider: bc you’re so cool and you said youre good at this and I REALLY want to win

Spidermom: fairs, get in the boat then with Barton

Hawkeye: we’ve got this :D

Irondad: wow pete that cut deep

LittleSpider: sorry mr stark but it’s on like donkey kong

Irondad: Bruce, Sam?

Falcon107: already got us a boat

Green Rage Monster: urgh this isn’t going to end well but ok

Irondad: right, so we start here by this flag and the end is wayyyyyyyyy over there at the other end of the lake. It’s pretty windy, so be careful around bends and also be careful in general – suits are on standby incase anything goes wrong

Teams are:

Me, Bruce and Sam

Nat, Barton and the kid

Cap, Barnes and Wanda


LittleSpider: when do we go

America’s Ass: dunno

Irondad: when the captain of each boat is ready

Spidermom: ready

Hawkeye: woah who made u captainhiqt0  f1r FHT02ONF

LittleSpider: omg she just threw a knife at his head

Irondad: no knife throwing near my kid pls

Spidermom: killjoy

America’s Ass: Tony, Nat, you ready?

Irondad: you’re going down Capsicle

Spidermom: hand us the trophy now bc we’re defo gonna win

Metal Arm: bold talk but u need to prove it Romanoff

Irondad: 3 …. 2 …. 1 …. GO


Hawkeye: I mean it probably does bc if we don’t win im pretty sure you’ll stab us

Spidermom: true

Falcon107: Tony we need more speed!

Irondad: im moving as fast as I fucking can!

LittleSpider: This is so much fun!!!

Scarlett Bitch: I’ve literally just been hit by a fucking wave and am now soaked

America’s Ass: yeah it’s actually pretty rough waters Tony – are you sure this is safe?

Irondad: we’ll be fine – last to the finish line has to cook dinner tonight

Metal Arm: we all know it’s going to fall on me to do it again tho

Scarlett Bitch: shut up and row!!

Falcon107: wow the waters rough

Green Rage Monster: shit we almost got tipped over!!!

Irondad: it’s fine keep rowing I can see the finish line

Hawkeye: im so scared rn bc Natasha is looking at me with murderous intent as I touched the paddle when I wasn’t allowed to

Spidermom: urrrr … speaking of murderous intent

Green Rage Monster: did you feel that bump?

Falcon107: yeah but it’s probably a log, keep rowing

Spidermom: is that what I think it is?

Metal Arm: oh fuck

LittleSpider: urmmmm mr stark

America’s Ass: what is it?

Irondad: what kid?

LittleSpider: logs don’t move right?

Scarlett Bitch: oh SHIT

Hawkeye: OMFG

Irondad: FUCKginowu 3rj -9

Green Rage Monster:  gr931[hu0r 3[u

Falcon107: uoqefuqeu9g [p tlgkn

LittleSpider: MR STARK!!!!!

America’s Ass: Bucky get us out of here

Metal Arm: trying to steer but these waters are really strong

Hawkeye: Nat the kids crying

Scarlett Bitch: peter they’re fine, the splash of the boat made the crocodiles swim off

Metal Arm: speaking of the crocodiles, they have regrouped and theres now 5 js

America’s Ass: oh shit they’re behind us now

Spidermom: kid stop crying Tony’s fine – look the standby suits picked them all out of the water

Hawkeye: I’m so scared rn

LittleSpider: fuckign same

America’s Ass: I can see the finish line we’re almost there

Spidermom: hey rogers



LittleSpider: mr stark?

Irondad: don’t worry kiddo we’re fine – win the race for us😊

Spidermom: no problem there bc WE FUCKING WON

LittleSpider: YES


Irondad: I’m sending the suits to lift the boats back just incase the crocodiles are waiting

America’s Ass: thank god

LittleSpider: phew thanks mr stark

Irondad: no worries kid, time to go and eat more s’mores

Hawkeye: pretty sure ive got diabetes now

Spidermom: not surprised tbh you’ve eaten like a full bag of marshmallows before dinner you moron

Scarlett Bitch: lmao exposed

Hawkeye: wow didn’t come here to be judged nat

Falcon107: god you guys are so weird

America’s Ass: Bucky – you starting the bbq ?

Metal Arm: on it

Irondad: omg the kid and Bruce are building a fort made out of branches

Green Rage Monster: come and help us – it’s fun

Spidermom: jfc slow down Clint

America’s Ass: this is going to be great

Scarlett Bitch: dibs on the big branch

Hawkeye: you can’t call dibs on a tree branch

Falcon107: she just did

Spidermom: ^

Hawkeye: unfair dudes

Metal Arm: im literally cooking everyone’s dinner so I’ll pass

Irondad: can’t believe it’s the last day tomorrow already – as much as I despise you all more than 70% of the time, it’s been fun

America’s Ass: thanks???


Everyone is offline


LittleSpider is online

Irondad is online

America’s Ass is online

Hawkeye is online

Spidermom is online

Falcon107 is online

Scarlett Bitch is online

Green Rage Monster is online

Metal Arm is online


Spidermom: go away Barton before I hurt you

Hawkeye: im bored

Spidermom: you’re literally making me want to hurt you

America’s Ass: can we go yet why are we waiting

Irondad: no we’re not leaving, as peter’s having a hard time in the wilderness

Spidermom: huh

Metal Arm: where is he? Is he hurt?

Irondad: no he’s just occupied

Hawkeye: what?!

America’s Ass: I thought he was just getting dressed?

Irondad: he’ll be a few minutes, he’s fine don’t worry

LittleSpider: are you meant to dig the hole before or after??????

Falcon107: oh hell no

Hawkeye: LMFAO

Scarlett Bitch: ew wtf peter

LittleSpider: JFEPOJTGIRJ OH GOD this is embarrassing I thought this was the private chat with mr stark sorry guys

Spidermom: wow this got awkward fast

America’s Ass: Peter, are you ok?

Irondad: he’s fine, pete accidently ate some of those berries by our tent – as he thought they were blackberries, and they weren’t, they were poisonous, so he started moaning about stomach ache, then informed me that his stomach was about to have some issues and ran off into the bushes

Metal Arm: ffs peter

Hawkeye: im honestly struggling to breathe rn

Scarlett Bitch: LMFAO

LittleSpider: mR sTaRk iT wAs BeFoRe

Irondad: TMI kid, just hurry up and get over here so we can go and have fun before we have to leave this afternoon

Spidermom: great is anyone else having bowel problems

Hawkeye: yeah, I’ve been twice today already I think it’s the stress of pooping outside☹

America’s Ass: why are we discussing this omg

Falcon107: lmao clint

Scarlett Bitch: noooooo sToP HAHAHA


LittleSpider: im back and im fine and we are NEVER speaking of this again ok good lets go, also were are we going mr stark

Irondad: we’re going to play the ultimate camping game – the suits have picked the locations so there isn’t any cheating from either time btw




Falcon107: Stark when you said we were going to play ‘the ultimate camping game’ I didn’t think I’d be walking around a wood, very lost whilst looking for a piece of cloth

America’s Ass: me and Bruce are so lost rn we haven’t seen anyone for like 25 minutes

Irondad: stop moaning and look for the flag

Spidermom: I can hear wanda yelling for help and screaming

Metal Arm: oh that’s just bc I threw her into a pile of mud

Spidermom: fairs – have you found the flag yet

Metal Arm: nope but I have a visual on the kid

Spidermom: find the flag or ill hurt you

Hawkeye: Nat I need assistance

Scarlett Bitch: ??? didn’t I just see you ???

Spidermom: what now Barton

Hawkeye: I got a bit stuck

America’s Ass: I appear to have completely lost Bruce

Irondad: he’ll turn up I wouldn’t worry about it

Spidermom: where are you Clint

Hawkeye: by a big tree

Spidermom: we’re in a fucking wood surrounded by trees you absolute moron

Hawkeye: by a rose bush??

America’s Ass: it’s ok I found Bruce he was rocking back and forth by a big tree

Irondad: lmao

Scarlett Bitch: ARHBEFJH OIGNW

Metal Arm: ahaha

LittleSpider: omg Mr Barnes just threw wanda into a big muddy puddle OH FUCK HES RUNNING TOWARDS MEBOURH80 – JR GJBO

Scarlett Bitch: im going to fucking kill you @MetalArm

Irondad: When I said let’s play capture the flag, I didn’t invisage half the team covered in mud, lost, threatening death on each other and apparently stuck in a tree @Hawkeye

America’s Ass: we’ve been playing for 2 hours and neither team has found the other teams flag

Hawkeye: I can hear someone and I’m so scared rn

Falcon107: wtf was that

Scarlett Bitch: idk but did I ever mention that I hate mud

Irondad: kid where are you?!?

Spidermom: jeez you scream like a girl @hawkeye

Hawkeye: holy fuck that was terrifying

Hawkeye: im pretty sure I’ve just wet myself

Irondad: where the hell is @LittleSpider

Metal Arm: idk but I’m so lost rn

America’s Ass: are you unstuck now Clint?

Hawkeye: affirmative but im pretty sure natasha made me wet myself as she literally scared me on purpose

Spidermom: serves you right for getting your fat ass stuck

Hawkeye: wow I thought we were friends

Spidermom: 😉 ily

Hawkeye: ily2 now can we find the flag pls

Spidermom: on it

LittleSpider: what happens when we find the flag mr stark?

Irondad: we win

LittleSpider: oh in that case


LittleSpider sent JPEG to Avengers Group Chat: ifoundtheredflagthingybutimlost



Scarlett Bitch: YASSSSSSS

Falcon107: damn we lost @Spidermom @Hawkeye @MetalArm also can we leave now

Green Rage Monster: we won?

America’s Ass: apparently yeah – good game – everyone meet up by the tents so we can pack up

Spidermom: this is your fault for getting stuck Barton istg

America’s Ass: good game guys, but can someone pls find me and Bruce as we are very lost

Irondad: I’ve got a suit flying round to find everyone hahaha

LittleSpider: guys before we head off – I just want to thank you all for the best camping trip ever and the best 16th birthday <3 love you all so much!!!<3 <3

Irondad: love you bud, glad you had a good time. Please don’t tell your super hot aunt that you almost got eaten by a crocodile, got poisoned by ivy and berries and also almost fell off  a hill on a grass kart thing ok

LittleSpider: Ok😊

Spidermom: love you kid xo

America’s Ass: We all love you Peter, so happy you had a good time x

Green Rage Monster: So happy you had fun Peter. Love you😊

Falcon107: god you’re all so mushy – love you too Parker

Metal Arm: Love you kid

Hawkeye: ily squirt x

Scarlett Bitch: <3 <3 <3 So much love Pete xxx




LittleSpider: omg so I went to go and pack and who the hell took my nerf guns and my water gun

Hawkeye: one last game??????

Irondad: sure why not

America’s Ass: Tony the plane though??

Irondad: it’s my plane it leaves when I do

Spidermom: lmao

LittleSpider: I want the big nerf gun!! You’re all going downnnnn

Irondad: game on kiddo


Chapter Text

Everyone is online


Irondad: I just want to apologise in advance but I really didn’t have a choice, Fury is making me bc he wants us all to apologise to each other via this ‘safe space’ after what happened today when we tried to kill each other or something

Nicholas Fury: Damn right. You’re meant to be the world’s mightiest heroes, so you can’t throw buildings at people when you don’t like them

Spidermom: this better not be what I think it is, don’t you dare Tony – they’re morons

Pointbreak: I am currently in Asgard and have no idea what this conversation is about.

Irondad: just some space weirdos – pretty sure you know them actually Thor

Pointbreak: ah perhaps. I shall wait here until they arrive in our communication chat.

America’s Ass: they aren’t even Avengers Tony.

Irondad: don’t you think I know that?! Fury and Pepper are staring at me and I’m so scared now I don’t have a choice :/

Pepper Potts CEO: Look, the fucking World’s Mightiest Heroes are yet again the cause of another PR nightmare so you all need to apologise for your behaviour in the last joint mission, so I can go back to ignoring you all.

LittleSpider: what’s going on??? I wasn’t even in the mission today lol I had school

Green Rage Monster: same I was in the lab im so confused

Hawkeye: wtf is going on I fell asleep for an hour bc you lot said you had the mission handled and I turn on the news to find half of New York in pieces????

Spidermom: you don’t want to know what happened, lets just say that we might have caused the news on the rubble on 42nd

LittleSpider: omg that was you all?!

Falcon107: we stopped some aliens with some help, but then afterwards there was an argument and we might have destroyed a building

Pepper Potts CEO: 3 buildings, a post office, a library and a fucking donut shop.

Metal Arm: it was a big argument

Scarlett Bitch: in my defence they pissed me off big time

Spidermom: big m00d



Pepper Potts CEO is offline


Irondad: :O ohhhhh shit that isn’t good, maybe I just need to go see Pep, I’ll be back soon

Nicholas Fury: Stark.

Irondad: never mind ill see her later

Nicholas Fury: add them or I will

Irondad: fine whatever, but I think it’s a horrible idea


Irondad added Footloose, Green Mulan, therealcaptain, Tree, Grasshopper, Nebula and Drax the Destroyer to Avengers Group Chat


Nicholas Fury is offline



America’s Ass: Calm down Peter, this is strictly professional.

Therealcaptain: Oh not these clowns again


Irondad changed therealcaptain’s name to Build-A-Bear

Irondad changed Drax the Destroyer’s name to Tough Guy



Pointbreak: HEY IT’S THE RABBIT!

Footloose: oh great muscle man is here too

BuildABear: I’m not a rabbit ffs

Tree: I am Groot

Footloose: yeah exactly what I was thinking too Groot

Tough Guy: Did we not try to kill you all this morning?

Scarlett Bitch: Yeah you did and we didn’t like it

Grasshopper: It was not our fault, you provoked us

Spidermom: no we did not, you did with your stupid little plan

Footloose: woah my plan actually worked – do you see any aliens anymore???

Falcon107: no bc we killed them all with OUR plan

Green Mulan: it was definitely us that did that

Rhodey: I mean it wasn’t but whatever, apologise and we can go back to hating each other

Irondad: Listen, we don’t want to talk to you either, but due to what happened earlier @Fury and @PPotts want us all to apologise

Green Mulan: go for it then

Spidermom: He means both sides.

America’s Ass: We will take responsibility for our actions and we ask that you do the same.

Footloose: Well unfortunately for you lot, we don’t want to be a part of your shitty little superhero club

Nebula: ^


Irondad: no kid you’re an honorary member

LittleSpider: ah ok

Hawkeye: just out of curiosity what was the argument about that caused the destruction of like a third of the city?

Footloose: Basically the guy with the eyepatch called us and was like ‘hey the avengers need your help’ so bc of how nice we are, we arrived


BuildABear: not our fault we had to stop for food

Spidermom: by which point we had already formulated a good plan which they obviously had no idea about.

Rhodey: jfc it’s painful to relive it

Falcon107: so then these assholes come onto our turf and start blowing shit up!

America’s Ass: which completely ruined our plan of a surprise attack

Pointbreak: I do not understand – wouldn’t it help that there were more of you?

Metal Arm: you’d think so

Spidermom: anyway we managed to get rid of the majority of them and were about to finish them all off with their leader

Hawkeye: ??? so what happened

Irondad: basically the dipshit from Missouri decided to fucking challenge the Alien captain to a dance battle

Footloose: it was a good idea!!

Rhodey: I mean it really wasn’t

BuildABear: it was better than your stupid ‘plan’

Spidermom: there was nothing wrong with our plan

Tree: I am Groot

Falcon107: someone translate

Grasshopper: he says that your plan sucked

LittleSpider: what was your plan @Spidermom

Spidermom: to kill him obviously bc he wanted control of the planet

America’s Ass: we were all in position and then Quill started dancing

Tough Guy: I liked the dance

Grasshopper: it was good!

Footloose: thanks guys <3

Scarlett Bitch: anyway by this point once again we had lost the element of surprise and the alien captain started opening portals and more aliens came through

Irondad: It was a mess and we were all so annoyed, also Pepper was calling me as obviously by this point it was all over the news

Hawkeye: so then what happened

America’s Ass: we continued fighting and Wanda threw a building at Quill

Scarlett Bitch: my hand accidentally slipped

Footloose: sure it did I could file a lawsuit

Irondad: my lawyers would kick your ass so hard

Spidermom: true

LittleSpider: why did you throw a building at Mr Quill @ScarlettBitch?!?!?!

Scarlett Bitch: bc he said that im a glorified version of elsa but with red hands and without the ice

Footloose: it’s true though

Green Rage Monster: so she threw a building at you?????

Footloose: it wasn’t fun

Hawkeye: fairs

Tree: I am Groot

BuildABear: we know they’re all idiots Groot

Spidermom: you might be in space but we can easily come and fight u again

Irondad: ^

America’s Ass: ^

Rhodey: this isn’t helping anyone.

Spidermom: anyway, so I killed the alien captain and then we all started arguing about who the best team was

Hawkeye: damn

Grasshopper: hi Thor!!<3

Pointbreak: hello Mantis – how is space treating you? I’ve been meaning to come abroad my ship for a while now

Footloose: it’s my ship

BuildABear: it’s actually mine but whatever

Tough Guy: Quills been on a diet to look like you but it isn’t working because he sneaks biscuits on a night

Green Mulan: I knew it was you that ate the rest of the pack

Nebula: we all knew

Footloose: stop fucking exposing me Drax

America’s Ass: can both teams apologise so we can be done with this?

Spidermom: ^

Footloose: fine on behalf of the Guardians of the Galaxy, I’m sorry

America’s Ass: thank you Peter

LittleSpider: for what Mr Rogers?

Spidermom: that’s Quills first name kid

LittleSpider: oh ok

Footloose: sorry that you’re all idiots and can’t dance

Scarlett Bitch: OH IT’S ON SPACE DICK

Metal Arm: This is war.

Rhodey: I’m getting the QuinJet ready

LittleSpider: wow this escalated quickly im kinda scared

Green Rage Monster: I’m not getting involved with this, see you for dinner guys.


Green Rage Monster is offline


Hawkeye: im not even involved but I am now

Green Mulan: Just apologise.

Scarlett Bitch: you first greenie

Spidermom: this is ridiculous im getting the boss in

Irondad: oh god

Falcon107: who’s the boss?

America’s Ass: you’ll see


Pepper Potts CEO is online


Pepper Potts CEO: Are you serious? Natasha you made me cancel a meeting with SI for this? I’ve just read up - why haven’t both teams apologised yet?!

Spidermom: They won’t listen and I’m bored

America’s Ass: Tell them to apologise Pepper

Footloose: who the fuck is this

Irondad: The boss

Tough Guy: why is she the boss

Pepper Potts CEO: Because I’m apparently the only actual adult in this chat – apart from Fury, however looks like he’s fucked off and left me to deal with this

LittleSpider: Hi Ms Potts!!! Xx

Pepper Potts CEO: Hey kid, did you have a good day at school? X<3

LittleSpider: Yeah I did – I got an A in Spanish!!!

Pepper Potts CEO: well done sweetheart, let me deal with all these morons and then I’ll come up to the living room and we can have a chat<3

LittleSpider: Okay I’ll make some hot chocolate!!! Xx

Pepper Potts CEO: see you in a minute xxx


LittleSpider is offline



Pepper Potts CEO: Right. @Footloose – you’re the leader of your team?

BuildABear: I mean I am tbh

Pointbreak: its my ship

Footloose: you let us ‘borrow’ it so now it’s ours

Rhodey: that’s not how borrowing works

America’s Ass: back to matter at hand…

Footloose: fuck off

Irondad: you fuck off!

Spidermom: I honestly want to stab myself just apologise jfc

Green Mulan: I’ll stab you

Spidermom: come at me bro

Hawkeye: Tasha is literally sharpening her knives rn

Rhodey: Quinjet is ready let’s go

Falcon107: omw

Scarlett Bitch: same

Grasshopper: are we fighting again

Tough Guy: yes

Irondad: ill be down in 5 @Rhodey

America’s Ass: smh


Pepper Potts CEO: @Irondad @America’sAss @Footloose APOLOGISE NOW.

BuildABear: wow she’s scary and I haven’t even met her

Footloose: ok jeez im sorry

America’s Ass: so are we

Irondad: yup

Pepper Potts CEO: Great. Now I’m going to see the kid. Please don’t cause me any more PR hassle – ANY of you.


Pepper Potts CEO is offline


Spidermom: god I love Pepper

Hawkeye: I want some hot chocolate

Spidermom: shut up Barton

Hawkeye: do you want some?

Spidermom: yeah ok


Spidermom is offline

Hawkeye is offline


Nicholas Fury is online


Nicholas Fury: About time. Don’t pull a stunt like this again or else.


Nicholas Fury is offline

Irondad: he’s also scary

Footloose: true is that the pirate man?

Irondad: YES!! Finally someone who agrees with me


Irondad changed the name Nicholas Fury to Pirate Dickhead


Footloose: HAHAHAHA

Grasshopper: That is funny!

Rhodey: lmao

Falcon107: lol

America’s Ass: so are we friends now or?

Footloose: I mean I still don’t like at least 80% of you but the other 50% are chill so I guess we could get along yeah

Irondad: wow your math is appalling

Metal Arm: great so @Footloose you can leave now

Tree: I am Groot

BuildABear: true

Tough Guy: no Groot

Pointbreak: The tree has a point

America’s Ass: Thor you speak Groot?

Pointbreak: Yes.

Scarlett Bitch: what did he say

Nebula: he wants to know if we can stay in the chat

Irondad: no thanks we’re all good here

Footloose: I think we’re good too bye losers


Footloose, Green Mulan, Tree, Grasshopper, Tough Guy and Nebula removed themselves from the Avengers Group Chat

Pirate Dickhead removed themselves from the Avengers Group Chat



Irondad: god that was painful

America’s Ass: I think it went well actually. Dinner everyone??

Rhodey: coming down now

Falcon107: same

Scarlett Bitch: ^

Metal Arm: yep sounds good

Pointbreak: I have to go also, Loki is trying to start another battle. Good bye Friends😊

Irondad: god I need a drink after today :/ 


Everyone is offline


Chapter Text

Falcon107 is online


Falcon107: who the fuck ate my cereal bc now I have no cereal and im not happy


LittleSpider is online

Rhodey is online

Irondad is online

America’s Ass is online

Hawkeye is online

Spidermom is online

Scarlett Bitch is online

Green Rage Monster is online

Metal Arm is online


LittleSpider: omg im so sorry mr Wilson I thought we share cereal :O please don’t hurt me im too young and im really sorry

Falcon107: consider this a warning parker

LittleSpider: ok ok ok im sorry

Spidermom: stop scaring the kid Wilson.

Metal Arm: there’s literally no food in and it’s only 7am

Irondad: that’s bc you all eat ridiculous amounts of food and im not a fucking supermarket

Green Rage Monster: unlike you Tony, we actually don’t run on coffee and actually need proper food not just pot noodles

Irondad: wow rude

America’s Ass: Tony we really need to get some food because there really isn’t much here

Irondad: I don’t shop – ask Pepper

Scarlett Bitch: :/

Spidermom: she told me that she’s busy all day and has just texted me to tell you ‘to get off your arse and do it yourself’

Hawkeye: lmao

Irondad: look I’ll just give you my credit card and you can go yourselves

Rhodey: god you’re lazy Tones

LittleSpider: you guys actually shop?!?!?!

Spidermom: well me, Bruce and Clint do, Wanda sometimes tags along too – one of us usually online shops or goes once a week, but bc of missions and stuff we haven’t managed to this week, which is why there’s no food in.

LittleSpider: can’t we all go together it’ll be fun!?

Irondad: I actually threw up a bit in my mouth at that idea kid

America’s Ass: Peter has a point, that way we can all get our own stuff and as we will all be there, we won’t forget anything either

Irondad: online shopping Cap

Metal Arm: last time he punched the screen

Spidermom: ahaha yeah I remember that

Scarlett Bitch: omg why

America’s Ass: it kept popping up with laundry conditioners and I was like no thanks, but it kept doing it and I got annoyed

Irondad: omfg just do online shopping jfc

Green Rage Monster: no because we need food for today Tony and it’s a Saturday, so we wont get delivery until Monday morning at the earliest

Hawkeye: Why don’t we just do the kid’s idea

Falcon107: at this point I don’t give a fuck who’s idea we’re doing as long as I get some food soon

America’s Ass: I agree tbh

Spidermom: Right @LittleSpider looks like your idea wins

LittleSpider: YEY!!!

Irondad: I don’t have to come right?

America’s Ass: Tony we’re all going together so there’s no arguments about who is or isn’t coming

Irondad: urgh fine, I’ve just seen we’re out of coffee too, meet me in the garage in 10 then and we’ll go in mine and Nat’s car

Spidermom: how about no

Hawkeye: yeah Tasha’s car is in for repairs after what happened on Thursday

Irondad: do I even want to know

Spidermom: probably not, let’s just say there was a sign post by Macies that is no longer there bc now it’s impaled in my car

Irondad: jfc

Green Rage Monster: not again Natasha

Spidermom: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

America’s Ass: Tony, we’ll take your car and my car – 5 in each, the supermarket by the highway?

Irondad: how the fuck do I know, I’ve ever set foot in a supermarket shop

LittleSpider: hahaha supermarket shop xD

Falcon107: Can we go now pls

Hawkeye: m00d

Scarlett Bitch: lmao Natasha is falling asleep bc there’s no coffee in

Spidermom: im not too tired to stab someone

Scarlett Bitch: :O

Irondad: get in then ffs

LittleSpider: this is going to be so much fun!!!!


Everyone is offline


LittleSpider is online

Irondad is online

Falcon107 is online

America’s Ass is online

Scarlett Bitch is online

Green Rage Monster is online

Metal Arm is online


America’s Ass: we’ve only been here 6 minutes and we’ve already lost Clint

Irondad: look we’ve got the coffee and some bread can’t we just go

LittleSpider: Mr Stark! You can’t live on coffee and bread!

Green Rage Monster: Natasha is literally running down isles screaming for Clint

Falcon107: have you tried the chocolate isle?

Scarlett Bitch: ooooo I want some chocolate! @LittleSpider??

LittleSpider: omw!!!!<3

America’s Ass: @ScarlettBitch @LittleSpider, not too much sugary stuff guys

Metal Arm: @America’sAss have you seen how much it is for a pint of milk holy shit

America’s Ass: yeah I know Buck, it’s so much more expensive than it was in the 40’s

Irondad: can you both go and be grandpas elsewhere please


Spidermom is online


Spidermom: found Barton we’re in the cereal isle

Falcon107: get me some honey hoops bc the kid finished my box off earlier :/

Scarlett Bitch: can I have some cocopops please Nat

Metal Arm: plain cornflakes for me and Steve

Spidermom: get your own damn cereal

America’s Ass: Tony stop whining, we’re going soon


Hawkeye is online


Irondad: I feel like a peasant

Rhodey: this is how 99% of the population shop Tony, we aren’t all billionaires

Irondad: yeah well I am so why the fuck am I here, a kid just ran up to me and sneezed on my jeans I hate this

Hawkeye: welcome to the real world Stark

Spidermom: lmao

LittleSpider: Mr Stark it’s fun!! Can we get some salmon?

America’s Ass: fresh or frozen?

Green Rage Monster: frozen will be cheaper

Scarlett Bitch: I’d rather have haddock

Hawkeye: yeah same @ScarlettBitch

LittleSpider: Auntie Nat? Can you please make the yummy fish dinner that I like at teatime tonight?

Spidermom: Salmon Coulibiac????

LittleSpider: is that the fish pie that tastes really nice?

Spidermom: yeah kid – do you want me to make it tonight? Xo

LittleSpider: Yes please!!! X

Spidermom: No problem kiddo. I need to get a few ingredients then hang on xo

LittleSpider: omg there’s pizza!!!! Im having 3 cheese – which do you all want??

Metal Arm: Meat feast x3

Hawkeye: pepperoni

America’s Ass: meat feast and cheese x2

Irondad: any

Falcon107: double cheese

Green Rage Monster: margarita

Spidermom: veggie

Rhodey: Hawaiian

LittleSpider: guys hElp I caant carrry like 15 pizza s

Falcon107: dude you’re literally spiderman who can lift like a bus

LittleSpider: no Imean I c an lift them, but I cnt see they’r piledd up over y head as mny trolley is fulll and im all alone in th e frozen isle Auntie Nat im sca red and my handds are cold ad I cant type peroperly

Spidermom: omw hang on

Hawkeye: feq u9q igpnpw

Scarlett Bitch: Clint you ok?

America’s Ass: yeah Natasha just tripped him up on purpose bc he kept asking for biscuits

Hawkeye: I also hate shopping im going to get some cake

Irondad: how much have we bought yet

Metal Arm: well we each have a trolley – that by the looks of it are all pretty much full

Rhodey: we’re now all on the tin section but where’s @Spidermom @Hawkeye @LittleSpider and @Irondad??/

Falcon107: the kid and Nat are bringing the pizzas back bc their trolleys are too full, so they have had to get another one - hang on they’re back now but idk where Barton and Stark are – Nat’s gone to find them

LittleSpider: what was that noise? Where’s Mr Stark and Mr Barton???

Scarlett Bitch: OH FUCK

America’s Ass: please tell me that that wasn’t someone from our group that did that screech

Metal Arm: LMFAO

Green Rage Monster: that can’t be good

America’s Ass: Clint? Tony? You good?

LittleSpider: :O

Hawkeye: so I thought someone was spying on me, so I grabbed the nearest thing which was a bag of sugar and threw it behind me and it hit Stark in the face

Spidermom: I mean it was quite funny actually

America’s Ass: What was Tony doing behind you anyway?!

Hawkeye: idk he started screaming and swearing at me so I ran off – im hiding atm behind some kitchen roll

Metal Arm: Tony’s back and he looks livid


LittleSpider: are you ok @Irondad

Irondad: apart from getting a bag of sugar yeeted at me then yeah im fine thanks kid

Scarlett Bitch: LMFAO


Spidermom: Barton stop hiding I can see your foot sticking out

Hawkeye: -___-

America’s Ass: ok, so everyone had bought what they wanted, and we’ve got laundry detergent, toilet roll and other stuff that we all use right?

Scarlett Bitch: yeah omg the till woman is so annoyed with how much we’ve bought ahaha

Irondad: I got the sugar.

Spidermom: ahahaha

Falcon107: xD

Rhodey: god Tony lol

Hawkeye: LMAO HAHAHA sorry again

Irondad: remind me to never come shopping again, all I wanted were some rich tea biscuits and some mini cake rolls and I got a faceful of sugar

America’s Ass: Tony you’re paying yes?

Irondad: I don’t see any of you with your credit cards out

LittleSpider: I don’t have any money :/

Irondad: chill kid it was a joke of course im paying

Falcon107: can we go yet

LittleSpider: I’m tired now lol

Metal Arm: same

Irondad: holy shit how much??!?!?!??!

Irondad: guesses for the grand total anyone – baring in mind at least 3 of you eat 4x more than the average person?

LittleSpider: £100

Scarlett Bitch: £153

Hawkeye: hahah wanda that was so specific

Spidermom: £450?

Rhodey: £320

Irondad: not even close - £767.52 for a fucking weekly shop

Spidermom: wow we bought a lot

Hawkeye: that’s more than my rent is for a month

Rhodey: we’ve filled 32 shopping bags

Green Rage Monster: Tony you cant bribe a sales person with an autograph

Irondad: worth a shot

America’s Ass: im pretty sure that’s illegal

LittleSpider: we did it guys that was so much fun!!!!

Irondad: that was the most painful 2 hours of my life, next time online shopping only bc I never want to do that again

Chapter Text


LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: finally finished my homework and prep for the stupid Spanish exam #migraine

LittleSpider: my head hurts urghhhh


Scarlett Bitch is online

Falcon107 is online


Falcon107: it’s 1am, go to sleep, you’re probably just tired. Hope you’re better soon, we’re all off on the mission now, Nat and Clint are staying with you - see you in the morning squirt😊

LittleSpider: yeah ok thanks mr wilson

Scarlett Bitch: <3 aw pete, you’ll feel better when you wake up – you’re just stressed about your Spanish exam next week – but you’ll ace it! See you soon!! Xx

LittleSpider: ok thanks, night guys <3


Everyone is offline


Spidermom is online

LittleSpider is online

Hawkeye is online


LittleSpider: I actually relly dontfeel  well now

Spidermom: Kid you ok?

LittleSpider: auntie nat y stonah hurts

Spidermom: your stomach hurts? I thought you couldn’t get sick? Do you want me to come up and see you?

LittleSpider: ahaha I see bkac spotsssss spot ty spot pot bo t  cot m op toppop la p lopttap

Hawkeye: Squirt? You’re seeing black spots????

LittleSpider: woahhhhhhh easing dem blck spots an ephifnq0 b k

LittleSpider: ohshit Iju st thew upp

Spidermom: shit - that’s not good I’m going to see him.

Hawkeye: I’ll come with you

LittleSpider: oh gd  it veryher an I fll os sick

Spidermom: Friday just told me his temperature is 103 – Clint grab some cold towels I need to get his temperature down

Spidermom: there’s vomit everywhere ew

Hawkeye: jeez it stinks – where the fuck is everyone else!?

Spidermom: Shield Mission remember

Hawkeye: omg he’s crying what do we do

Spidermom: how the hell do I know – you’re the one who has three children you fucking moron

Hawkeye: yeah but I don’t have to worry about being webbed to a wall with them

Spidermom: shut up and get me some blankets and water with a straw

Hawkeye: on it

Hawkeye is offline


**Spidermom ringing @Irondad via Video Call**


Irondad is connected


Irondad is online


Irondad: Natasha we’re kinda busy trying to take out a hydra base here stop fucking calling me ive had to put everyone’s comms on voice to text on now ffs

Spidermom: your kid is throwing up and crying

Irondad: what?!?!!?! @greenragemonster told me he couldn’t get ill


Green Rage Monster is online


Spidermom: that’s what I thought too but here we are in the bathroom, covered in puke at 3am

Green Rage Monster: Well I didn’t think he could get sick as he hasn’t since he was bitten by the spider 2 years ago. He must have caught a vicious sickness bug – something like the Flu or a virus which was too strong for his healing factor maybe? I’d need to do some tests on him to make sure but im a bit busy rn

Spidermom: Tony what do I do

Irondad: Barton has kids just let him deal with peter

Spidermom: im pretty sure his 3 kids have never projectile vomited so hard it went on the ceiling and now are at 105 degrees according to Friday – we’ve tried cooling him down, hugging him etc but nothings working, he won’t calm down – what do we do

Irondad: Bruce code green

Green Rage Monster: keep him hydrated and try to cool him down bc his temperature is really high – try an icebath and some of steves super soldier meds @spidermom see you later – Tony watch out you’ve got soldiers on your right


Green Rage Monster is offline


Irondad: hang on Nat ive got incoming

Irondad: omg the hulk just tore through a bunker and it was sick ahaha

Spidermom: back on the topic of sick – the kid looks like he’s about to pass out and he won’t stop crying :/

Irondad: shit I wish I was there with him

Spidermom: yeah me too, isn’t there anything that will make him feel better?

Irondad: just comfort him, stroke his hair, just talk to him etc and hopefully he’ll fall asleep soon and sleep if off

Spidermom: tried all of the above and nothing worked


Hawkeye is online


Hawkeye: I’ve got 3 kids and have never seen so much puke in my life

Irondad: thanks for helping Legolas, just try and keep him alive yano until I’m back please

Spidermom: we got his temperature down to 103 now, he’s still crying though what do we do, nothing is working!!!!

Irondad: Nat we aren’t gonna be wrapped up here for at least another few hours and then we have to get back – ring Pepper or Helen Cho??

Spidermom: No it’s fine, me and Clint will manage, just tell us how to calm him down


America’s Ass is online

Scarlett Bitch is online

Falcon107 is online

Rhodey is online

Metal Arm is online


America’s Ass: Tony what’s going on are you ok? What’s happened?

Irondad: had to put voice to text bc Natasha wanted me ffs it’s messing with my comm

Scarlett Bitch: great well now that we’re all synced up again can you fucking move out of the way so I can get to that bunker

Irondad: crap yeah sorry hang on

Falcon107: on your left cap

America’s Ass: on it – has anyone got eyes on Rhodey?

Rhodey: busy hang on

Metal Arm: Woah that was sick wanda

Scarlett Bitch: haha it was pretty sick – oh god you’ve got 3 on your tail, Cap get over here

Spidermom: oh shit, well this escalated quickly, he’s now crying hysterically for his dad

Irondad: what

Hawkeye: he literally is sobbing on Tasha rn and crying ‘I want my dad is he back yet’

Spidermom: which we’re pretty sure means you, as he is also cuddling his ironman teddybear

Spidermom: Tony?

Hawkeye: Stark?

America’s Ass: Tony what the fuck – where are you??

Scarlett Bitch: he’s not answering the comms oh god where is he

Rhodey: I’ve got eyes on him - by the north side, think he’s in shock? He hasn’t been hit but then again I cant see shit with the suit in the way, he isn’t moving just kinda standing there…shall I go and check on him??

Scarlett Bitch: yeah just incase he was hit or something Rhodey

Rhodey: on it

Spidermom: Tony – what do we do????

Hawkeye: ^

America’s Ass: Natasha, Clint – what’s going on? Why are you on our frequency???

Spidermom: having an issue with the kid and think Tony wired the chat to act as your comm when he’s online – speaking of, he’s still online but not replying??

Metal Arm: yeah why?

Hawkeye: idk just said the kid is crying and calling for his dad bc he’s sick

Scarlett Bitch: fenoaeqa hj tw

Rhodey: watch out wanda

Scarlett Bitch: bit late for that tinman

Rhodey: ive brought Tony back to the Quinjet – think he’s gone into shock or something – he’s still patched into the frequency but im heading back out to the south sector Cap

America’s Ass: Right, thanks Rhodey – watch out for the soldiers on the south-east side. Bucky careful the guy on your left is aiming at you

Metal Arm: it’s fine hulk got him

America’s Ass: Tony, are you ok?

Irondad: I’m a dad.

Spidermom: Tony you’ve been a dad since you met the kid – concentrate on the mission and get back safe ok? We’ll take care of him, just tell me how to calm him down

Scarlett Bitch: jfc not again

America’s Ass: fuck – we lost hulk

Hawkeye: how can you lose the hulk lmao

Scarlett Bitch: he saw a chopper and ran off after it

Irondad: I can’t be a dad, how can I look after a kid? I killed a plant last week bc I forgot to feed it

Spidermom: shut up Stark you’re his dad in all but blood

America’s Ass: Natasha’s right Tony, the kid already thinks of you as his dad

Irondad: god I want to see him this sucks – I’m back on the field Capsicle – just scouting out places near the west sector

America’s Ass: ok, just take it easy Tony.

Metal Arm: playing candycrush again and im stuck on level 879 – Tony cant you hack into the game for me again so I can skip it

Irondad: little bit busy here having a mental breakdown that I’m now someone’s dad whilst avoiding being shot at, ok maybe later

Rhodey: behind you Tony!!!!!

Falcon107: nice move Bucky

Spidermom: Get somewhere safe Tony and I’ll get Peter to ring you for a few minutes ok?

America’s Ass: right is that all of them?

Scarlett Bitch: you had to fucking ask Rogers – on your right there’s another 3 dozen ffs

Metal Arm: someone needs to tell Banner to stop making the alarms go off jfc

America’s Ass: Tony I need an assist over here

Falcon107: don’t worry @Irondad call your kid, I’ve got Cap sorted

Irondad: Thanks Sam, okay Romanoff let me talk to my kid – I’ll be off the comms for a minute or so ok? I’m putting it on a private call

Rhodey: yeah it’s fine we’ve got it all sorted up here Tones

Spidermom: ok I’m calling you now on my phone but Peter will answer ok

Irondad: no problem thanks Nat


Everyone is offline


**Nat1879 calling Tony Stark**

Tony Stark is connected


(Private Phone Call between Tony Stark and Nat1879)


Hey kiddo – what’s going on? Nat and Clint told me you’re not feeling so good?’

I…I…w…want t…to s…see yo…you…dad.’

‘…Aw bud, we’re on a mission, you know that. I’ll be as quick as I can and then I’ll fly back and see you. I don’t like hearing my little spiderling ill.’

‘Mi…miss y…you.’

‘I miss you too kiddo, but your Aunt Nat and Uncle Clint are going to look after you for me, ok?’

‘B…been s…si…sick.’

‘I know Pete, Nat told me. Why don’t you have a shower, get into some clean pjs and try and sleep, then tomorrow you can cuddle up with me and we’ll watch some starwars, hmm?’

‘O…ok. Pinky…pr…promise?’

‘Yeah kid, pinky promise. Put Nat on the phone ok and I’ll see you in a few hours. Sleep well bud.’

‘N…night d…dad.’

‘Good night bambino.’

(Distant talking and crackling sounds)


Thanks Tony. Peter’s still crying but he’s quietened down a bit.’

‘Yeah, poor kid, he sounds terrible. Why do you reckon he’s calling me his dad though?’

‘Not sure, think he just wants you as you’re always here when something bad happens.’

 ‘I know, I feel awful!’

‘Just hurry up and get your ass back here. Clint is currently helping him get a quick cold shower and into some pj’s – despite him sobbing very loudly, while I get the amazing job of getting rid of his sicky sheets.’

‘Please make sure he’s alright Nat.’

‘Obviously I will do, I wouldn’t just let him go to sleep in his own puke, I’m not that mean.’

‘Not what I meant. Maybe try and sing him a song or something to calm him down, then give him some cuddles so he goes to sleep? It usually works after his nightmares.’

‘I’m not fucking Mary Poppins, Tony.’

‘I know, I know. Just pretend you’re not a ruthless assassin for like half an hour and please try to calm my kid down.’

‘It’s a good job I like Peter ok, I wouldn’t do this for anyone else.

‘Honestly, thank you so much. Tell Clint thanks too.’

‘I’ve made Barton swear an oath to never tell another living soul about this. We’ll handle it.’

‘Romanoff, also you might wanna get some sleep – isn’t it like 3am where you are?’

Oh, I want to hurt you so bad right now.’

‘Haha. You love me really Red.’

‘Whatever stops the tears Tony.’

‘Listen, I reckon we’ll be back by about 6am. If he gets really bad again then just ring me ok?’

‘Yep, will do. We’ve just dosed him up with Steve’s medication and are about to start watching Toy Story 3'

‘Thanks Nat. See you later.’

‘Bye Tony.’


Tony Stark is disconnected


Spidermom is online

Hawkeye is online


Hawkeye: I can’t feel my arm

Spidermom: move and I’ll break it

Hawkeye: urgh im so uncomfortable

Spidermom: I don’t care, it’s just taken us over an hour to calm Peter down, so don’t even think about moving.

Hawkeye: you’ve got a nice singing voice Tasha

Spidermom: you swore an oath Barton

Hawkeye: I always wondered how you got Lila, Nate and Coop to sleep after nightmares

Spidermom: I have my ways

Hawkeye: huh, usually thought you’d drugged them or something

Spidermom: nope

Hawkeye: look at you being all motherly! You’re full of surprises Romanoff😉

Spidermom: I could still break your arm

Hawkeye: but you wont

Spidermom: go to sleep Barton

Hawkeye: night tasha<3

Spidermom: night clint xo

Spidermom is offline

Hawkeye is offline

Chapter Text

**PeterParker15 made a private chat with Tony Stark – ‘Unnamed’**



PeterParker15: I just wanted to say that I’m so sososososososso sorry for last night/this morning – I was so sick and I didn’t mean to and please don’t hate me. Clint just told me and I almost died bc I don’t even remember bc I was so warm and was being sick everywhere and im so sorry

Tony Stark: ??? Hang on, what’s going on? Why are you sorry?

PeterParker15: please don’t make me say it

Tony Stark: Kid I’m so confused rn

PeterParker15: I’m sorry that I called you my dad, because I know you aren’t. It was wrong of me and I’m so sorry

Tony Stark: Pete. You were running a temperature of like 107, Nat and Clint literally were freaking out; there was puke on the ceiling apparently and you were like hallucinating at one point. It’s completely fine. Is there anything that you want to chat to me about? You know you can tell me anything bud.

Tony Stark: You’ve been typing for like 7 minutes kiddo – what’s up?

PeterParker15: I feel so embarrassed. I know you aren’t my dad obviously, but sometimes it feels like you act like you are and it’s kind of nice???? Not that I’m blaming you or anything! I kind of like having someone who tells me off sometimes and makes me lunch and takes me out on my birthday and stuff, yano when I’m not with May… I love working with you in the lab and going out for day trips to places and when you come to see my stuff at school; how you helped me how to shave properly and how talk to girls without going all red; how we always come 2nd and 5th in Mario kart and how when im sad, you’ll just sit with me until I feel better and usually put a starwars film on for me…if ive read this completely wrong, then I’ll just go and die of embarrassment and never talk to anyone again

Tony Stark: You haven’t read anything wrong bud. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this for a while. But ever since May wanted me to sign those joint custody papers a few months ago – you know for when you’re staying over with me at the Compound etc, I’ve felt like your dad. It scared me yesterday when you called me it for the first time, but then I realised that I’ve felt like your dad for a while (if it helps, the rest of the team agrees too). I love spending time with you and I love you like a son <3

PeterParker15: I love you like a dad too<3

Tony Stark: Ok, enough of this emotional shit – come downstairs, Capsicle is cooking pancakes and if you don’t hurry up, they’ll all be gone 😉 x

PeterParker15: I’M COMINGGGGGG

Tony Stark: By the way, you’re staying at the Compound today so I can keep an eye on you. I spoke to your teacher and you’re taking the Spanish exam next week instead 😊 x

PeterParker15: OMG!!! Thanks Dad x

Tony Stark: No problem kid<3 x

Everyone is offline




Spidermom is online

Hawkeye is online

Irondad is online

LittleSpider is online

America’s Ass is online

Metal Arm is online


LittleSpider: A huge thank you to Auntie Nat and Uncle Clint for taking care of me last night/this morning! I’m 100000% fine now and my teacher is letting me do my Spanish exam next week instead of today, bc @Irondad said I could have the day off school and is amazing:D <3

Spidermom: no worries kiddo, next time, choose a day that I’m not here please bc I never want to see that much puke ever again. Glad you’re ok now xo

Irondad: I know I’m amazing but thanks kid

Hawkeye: ngl I was pretty scared for a while about how much sick you produced squirt @LittleSpider

LittleSpider: I honestly barely remember last night/this morning, I feel fine now tho and these pancakes are so nice thanks @America’sAss!!!

Spidermom: lol Bruce has fallen asleep 

Irondad: not surprised – we didn’t get back in until just after 6am:/ everyone else is still asleep, except for us insomnics lmao

America’s Ass: I’ll take him to his room and then check that everyone else is alright. You’re welcome Peter! Glad you’re better now 😊



America’s Ass is offline


LittleSpider: good old cap

Ironman: #herocomplex

Metal Arm: legend

Spidermom: shut up Tony

Hawkeye: does this mean I can eat Banner’s pancakes????

LittleSpider: no bc I’ve just eaten them when you weren’t looking

Hawkeye: im pretty sure that’s a criminal offence

Metal Arm: I saw him sneak it but I didn’t say anything bc I thought it was funny

Hawkeye: what the fuck

LittleSpider: sorry Mr Barton but the pancakes are so nice and im so hungry

Metal Arm: give the kid a break clint

Hawkeye: ok wow so I live with snakes and traitors – Tasha get your knives

Spidermom: bold of you to assume I don’t carry them with me all the time

Metal Arm: @America’sAss please hurry up bc I’m scared

Hawkeye: I can see you staring at me you little punk

LittleSpider: bring it on birdbrain

Hawkeye:  :O

Spidermom: oh it’s on

LittleSpider: it’s on like Donkey Kong

Metal Arm: ^^^

Irondad: hold up, no-one is stabbing anyone over pancakes!!! I go to make a coffee and come back to find you all stood up staring daggers at each other??

Irondad: jfc Natasha put the knives down

LittleSpider: @ScarlettBitch pls wake up and help me pls


Scarlett Bitch is online


Scarlett Bitch: I was summoned

Spidermom: who can we bring for backup @hawkeye

Hawkeye: I don’t really like anyone so idk

Irondad: Legolas istg

Hawkeye: joking ahah, maybe Thor???

Spidermom: nah it’s too early for his Shakespearean shit

LittleSpider: I’m totally innocent here


Metal Arm: technically they were Bruce’s.

Irondad: right I’m bringing backup

Irondad: get over here and sort everyone out @America’sAss

Spidermom: lmfao as if Steve is your backup @Irondad xD

Irondad: It was either Steve or Pepper and I don’t want to be castrated for waking Pep up at fucking 8am on her only day off, so Cap was the obvious choice

Metal Arm: Steve is literally the team mom

LittleSpider: bless his heart

Scarlett Bitch: love Steve<3

Spidermom: he’s a good egg

Hawkeye: can you all stop crushing on Cap and get back to fighting over the pancakes

LittleSpider: oh yeah – IT WASN’T MY FAULT OK

Spidermom: it was

Hawkeye: YES IT WAS

Scarlett Bitch: who’s side am I on?

LittleSpider: MINE


Hawkeye: oh you’re going down Parker

LittleSpider: heheh *evil laugh*

Spidermom: don’t even think about it Peter I mean it

LittleSpider: oops my hand slipped 😉

Spidermom: so did mine

Scarlett Bitch: :O

Metal Arm: oh god this can’t be good

LittleSpider: whaJIOJE[qotWO3[4 H0]GJ9-

Metal Arm: holy shit

Scarlett Bitch: thing’s are heating up #drama




America’s Ass is online


America’s Ass: guys can we just have a normal breakfast without any attempted murder?

Irondad: Cap I don’t think that’s ever going to happen – also this wasn’t my fault js

America’s Ass: I was gone for less than 5 minutes and I come back to find Nat and Clint webbed to the table and Peter’s dressing gown sleeve pinned to the table by a knife?!! You dressed up in all your armour and Wanda and Bucky hiding behind the Kitchen Counter?!  

Irondad: again, wasn’t my fault

LittleSpider: sorry Mr Captain America Steve Rogers sir, I may or may not have eaten mr Banners pancakes and Mr Barton is mad at me and threatening death upon me

America’s Ass: care to comment Clint?

Hawkeye: no

Scarlett Bitch: from what I can gather, this argument is basically over pancakes

Metal Arm: pretty much

Irondad: Right, Nat and Clint are now unwebbed from the table and despite having a small hole in his sleeve, Peter is also fine

LittleSpider: I’m emotionally scarred and I need a new dressing gown

Irondad: I’ll buy you one after breakfast

LittleSpider: <3

America’s Ass: Guys, I’m making more pancakes anyway for the rest of the team, who should be up soon…

LittleSpider: fucking hero

Hawkeye: top dude

Irondad: on that note, I’m off to the lab – Capsicle you’re in charge of the animals

LittleSpider: animals? Mr Whiskers is asleep in the living room???

Hawkeye: he means us

Spidermom rude

Metal Arm: says the person threatening a 16 year old with a knife over pancakes

Spidermom: rude but true

America’s Ass: a new batch of pancakes is coming up so everyone chill out

LittleSpider: PANCAKES

Hawkeye: I’m getting them first

LittleSpider: urrrr what

Spidermom: jfc

Scarlett Bitch: Bucky do you wanna go out to get breakfast?

Metal Arm: yeah there’s less chance of death that way


Scarlett Bitch is offline

Metal Arm is offline


Hawkeye: our backup just walked off

LittleSpider: omg so did mine

Spidermom: Clint we didn't have any backup istg

Hawkeye wait what the fuck why does the Kid get 2 backups

LittleSpider: bc I'm the best

Spidermom: sure kid whatever stops the tears - are you still ready to fight us for the pancakes now???

LittleSpider: Mr Captain America Sir Steve Rogers Sir please help bc they’ve got knives again and are smiling with murderous intent ngl I’m kinda scared bc im in my dressing gown and it already has a hole in

Hawkeye: 2 against one squirt

Spidermom: your call kid – do you want to live or to eat pancakes without a head???

LittleSpider: no thanks I want to make it to 17 and I like my head so I’ll keep it thanks

Spidermom: good choice kid

America’s Ass: No stabbing or cutting heads off!!!! Here you go: more pancakes – the same amount each, so there’s no arguing.

LittleSpider: Captain America ICON

Hawkeye: Legend

Spidermom: thanks Steve

America’s Ass: Next time we’re ordering breakfast in or someone else can make it.


Everyone is offline

Chapter Text


LittleSpider is online

Irondad is online

Spidermom is online

Hawkeye is online

Rhodey is online

Pointbreak is online

Falcon107 is online

America’s Ass is online

Scarlett Bitch is online

Green Rage Monster is online

Metal Arm is online


LittleSpider: what Hogwarts house is everyone

Irondad: Aren’t you meant to be in a lesson right now?

Spidermom: Ravenclaw

Rhodey: idk

Green Rage Monster: No idea? Is this the sorting game?

LittleSpider: Sorting CEREMONY Mr Banner smh and shush Mr Stark it’s fine I needed a break ok

Falcon107: technically Hufflepuff according to that test you made me do, but I think of myself as part Gryffindor too

Irondad: Slytherin and no it’s not ok we’ll be talking about this later Kid

Metal Arm: Hufflepuff

America’s Ass: Gryffindor

LittleSpider: omg mr Captain America sir Steve Rogers sir we’re in the same house!!!

America’s Ass: Peter, please call me Steve.

Irondad: hahaha good luck with that Capsicle, how long have you known him for and he’s still calling you Mr Steve Rogers Captain America Sir/

America’s Ass: point taken

LittleSpider: my mama raised me right

LittleSpider: jokes my mama so dead, my Aunt raised me

Irondad: Kid, how many times have I told you not to make your mama so dead jokes?

LittleSpider: it’s how I cope ok – back to my questionnnnn plssss

Rhodey: shit kid – way to fucking depress us all

Hawkeye: Squirt, are you alright? What’s going on?

Spidermom: Peter, are you ok?

Irondad: why would he not be ok??? Kid???

Pointbreak: I’m sorry to hear that Tonyson

LittleSpider: don’t worry Mr Thor, I’m fine @Irondad, it was a long time ago, yeah im ok Mr Barton and I’m just having a shitty day Auntie Nat x

Spidermom: want to come over to see me and @Hawkeye? We’re having a movie evening xo

Hawkeye: we have cookiessss

LittleSpider: ooooo yeah ok thanks! I’ll come over after school!<3 <3

Spidermom: you finish at 3 right?

LittleSpider: yeh…

Hawkeye: she’s on her way to pick you up – Black BMW squirt:D

Irondad: hold up why was I not invited??!

Spidermom: it’s an exclusive club #sorrynotsorry

Irondad: wow ok thanks Natasha

Scarlett Bitch: Gryffindor

LittleSpider: YAS WANDA<3

Pointbreak: I do not understand what you are referring to Young Stark.

Irondad: for the last mother fucking time, WE ARE NOT BIOLOGICALLY RELATED

Pointbreak: Then who is Peter’s father?

LittleSpider: he’s dead too lol

LittleSpider: basically my entire family apart from my Aunt have either been killed in front of me or are just dead. It’s funny when I meet people and they don’t know, I play a cool game of guess who’s still alive with them – My dad, you don’t know? Oh oops he’s dead. My mom –she’s dead too. My Uncle – I knew him but he got shot in front of my face so he’s dead too ahaha it’s so funny. Hilarious, especially when we have to draw a fucking family tree in class and everyone’s looking at me funny.

LittleSpider: it’s a real fucking hoot that I only have one remaining family member left.

Green Rage Monster: shit Peter, are you alright???

Pointbreak: Oh dear. Can’t you just punch them?

Falcon107: damn kid. No Thor he isn’t fucking punching anyone in school jfc

America’s Ass: Peter, you know you can talk to us right? Are you ok? I would be mad that you’re on your phone in class, but this is understandable and if you need us, you can talk to us, we will always be here for you. We’re one big dysfunctional family! Also, please don’t punch anyone or you’re grounded.

LittleSpider: Yup I know thanks Mr Rogers. I’m always fine. Having the time of my life.

Hawkeye: Squirt, Nat’s on her way – hope you’re ok, see you soonx

Scarlett Bitch: Pete???<3

Irondad: kid – what’s going on? Do you want me to pick you up?

Rhodey: Peter? You good?


LittleSpider is offline


Hawkeye: That’s a no then Rhodey lol

Irondad: shit, I’m going to have to get him

Spidermom: no need I’m here now. I’ll bring him back xo

Irondad: thanks Nat, I’m in the middle of a meeting and Pepper is giving me daggers:/

Metal Arm: get off your phone then …

Irondad: -___- what’s the fun in that?

Rhodey: Tony isn’t your meeting with the Secretary of State today?

Hawkeye: lmfao

Metal Arm: damnnn

Irondad: Yes, but it’s hella boring and I want to see if my Kid is ok

Hawkeye: come up to our floor later on and you can see him after your meeting. We’ll make sure he’s ok Tony

America’s Ass: Tony get off your phone :/

Irondad: fine I’m off - thanks Legolas


Irondad is offline


Hawkeye: Tasha have you got the Kid yet? You’ve been ages???

Spidermom: Yes, but there was a small incident, a minor inconvenience.

Falcon107: define ‘small’

Rhodey: $10 it isn’t small

Metal Arm: you’re on

America’s Ass: oh god – Natasha please don’t tell me that you’ve stabbed someone again.

Spidermom: No, I detest bullying. Everything is fine. Just don’t go on social media for a while lol

Hawkeye: is it ‘small’ like got hit by a car small, or like the bagel guy ‘small’ ???

Rhodey: I mean for normal people getting hit by a car isn’t ‘small’ but whatever

Pointbreak: Friends, I have just found a very funny picture of Lady Natasha at a school of science!

Scarlett Bitch: hang on I’ve just gone on twitter are you joking Romanoff?!?!

Rhodey: what the fuck is going on

Metal Arm: Honestly I have no idea.

America’s Ass: At this point I don’t think I want to know Buck

Green Rage Monster: I’m not entirely sure, but I think it’s something major bc Wanda is literally shrieking in the living room

Scarlett Bitch:                [link: BlackWidowresolvesbullyingproblematMidTownHigh]

Hawkeye: HOLY SHIT

Spidermom: See, it was a slight inconvenience, point is, everyone’s fine and me and the Kid are on our way back.


Pointbreak: LOL! I’m going to tell Loki and Korg!!


Pointbreak is offline


Falcon107: who taught Thor L O L ????

Scarlett Bitch: heheh

Spidermom: There is no proof that I did that.

Rhodey: Nat, we all know it was you

Spidermom: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


Irondad is online


Irondad: Romanoff. Please enlighten me to the fact why I’ve been hauled out a meeting by our favourite Pirate Dickhead, about an incident at Peter’s school that was caused by you?

Spidermom: god word travels fast

Hawkeye: hang on – aren’t you driving?

Spidermom: Nah, we stopped for icecream. Almost blowing up the Science department really takes it out of you

Irondad: What. The. Fuck.

America’s Ass: Natasha spill, now.

Scarlett Bitch: this will be good

Hawkeye: can’t wait to hear this

Spidermom: Went to pick the Kid up and this little shithead – Flame or Fish…

Irondad: Flash

Spidermom: yeah the jerk who was getting the Kid upset a while ago, well apparently he never stopped and after waiting ages, I got bored and went into the school myself. I found Peter trying not to cry, whilst this absolute tiny ant scrotum of a child, was ripping up his family tree in front of him and singing a song about how crap Peter is, how his parents would hate him etc and loads of other bullshit, after the bell went and there were no teachers around to help him. Also found out, that today is the anniversary of his parent’s death according to the ripped up family tree

Irondad: oh my fucking god. 

Hawkeye: :O No way. That's terrible!!!!!

Green Rage Monster: Poor Kid

America’s Ass: Jesus Christ. Back in my day, we fought with fists and all was pretty much forgiven. All this name calling and pettiness is terrible. We’ll be having a talk with Peter later about not keeping stuff like this from us though. Hope he’s alright<3

Scarlett Bitch: :O Is Peter ok?!!?!?

Rhodey: That’s why he was so sad earlier – because it’s the anniversary of his parents death today? Damn, what a crappy day for the Kid ☹ also u owe me $10 @MetalArm

Metal Arm: ffs Rhodey -___- poor Peter tho

Irondad: I’m trying so hard not to fly over to that punks house rn. What happened next @Spidermom ??

Spidermom: by this point, I was very annoyed and so I may or may not have stormed into his classroom and exploded Flash’s project all over himself, but made it look like he slipped and that I just gave him a firm talking to about how bullying is not good. A few kids saw him ‘slip’ and that’s why I’m trending on twitter

Scarlett Bitch: Give him my love – tell him I’ll pop up to see him later on <3 xx


Irondad is offline

Scarlett Bitch is offline



Rhodey: If I know Tony (which I do, very well), that can’t be good ^^^

Falcon107: we all would have done the same thing

Metal Arm: true, hope he’s ok


Metal Arm is offline

Rhodey is offline

Falcon107 is offline


Green Rage Monster: He’s a tough Kid, but I have an idea how to cheer him up – it’ll take some time, but could we all meet tonight in Meeting Room A, when he’s gone to bed???

America’s Ass: Yeah sure Bruce, I’ll let the others know. Just get him back safe Natasha and we’ll have a chat with him later on x




Green Rage Monster is offline

America’s Ass is offline


Hawkeye: Tasha

Spidermom: no

Hawkeye: pleaseeeeeeee

Spidermom: ffs what flavour do you want

Hawkeye: Banana please :D

Spidermom: Fine. We’re on our way back now anyway – have the movies we picked out earlier ready and get the Kid some hot chocolate

Hawkeye: on it, cya soon Red x

Spidermom: Xo


Spidermom is offline

Hawkeye is offline

Chapter Text

Pepper Potts CEO is online

Spidermom is online

Hawkeye is online

America’s Ass is online

Rhodey is online

Scarlett Bitch is online


Pepper Potts CEO: One day. That’s all I ask for. One day, without some sort of social media meltdown because of one of you. Natasha, what were you thinking?! Eugene could have been hurt! What the hell happened? Tony just came into my office  – despite him being in a meeting with the Secretary of State and said he’s leaving to go to Peter’s school and that I need to look on twitter? So, I turn twitter on, to see [link: BlackWidowresolvesbullyingproblematMidTownHigh] ??? and a tweet from Eugene ‘Flash’ Thompson, saying that it was all your fault and he didn’t slip?!

Hawkeye: We cant help being a PR nightmare, sorry Pepper

Rhodey: True though, it kinda just happens :/

Spidermom: It’s the punks word against mine.

Pepper Potts CEO: What the fuck happened Nat?!!

Scarlett Bitch: Read up #banter

America’s Ass: Where are you guys now?

Spidermom: movie room with the Kid watching a Disney film about talking cars or some shit

Hawkeye: Cars is the greatest Disney movie on the planet

Scarlett Bitch: technically it’s Pixar but whatever Clint, we all know Finding Nemo is the best

Spidermom: thought you loved the Lion King @Hawkeye

Hawkeye: I love them all ok

Rhodey: we know Clint smh. See you all in the Meeting Room later on.


Rhodey is offline


Pepper Potts CEO: Oh my God! Is Peter alright? I don’t blame you at all Natasha, although maybe if anything like this happens again, try not to blow up a science classroom? Where is Peter now? Is Tony there? Is that where he went? Has the school called? I’ll ring them now actually

America’s Ass: Pepper, you need to calm down! Everything is fine. Tony called me like a minute ago and said he just went to donate to the school and sent some Suits to fix the classroom. He said he’s coming back now - he just needs to make some calls.

Pepper Potts CEO: Really – he did all that? I mean, yeah course, that’s fine, thanks Steve, I’ll just go and sit at my desk then and get on with paperwork…


Pepper Potts CEO is offline

America’s Ass is offline


Spidermom: Wow as if Tony is actually acting like a responsible adult wtf and I'll try Pepper but I'm not making any promises

Hawkeye: see, she needs our PR shit to deal with to save her from paperwork

Scarlett Bitch: lmao – don’t forget, Bruce wants to see us when Peter goes to bed for something😊 I’ll be up to see Peter in a bit


Scarlett Bitch is offline

Spidermom is offline

Hawkeye is offline


Irondad is online

Spidermom is online

Hawkeye is online

Rhodey is online

Falcon107 is online

America’s Ass is online

Scarlett Bitch is online

Green Rage Monster is online

Metal Arm is online


Irondad: Capsicle I had the sparkly pen first

America’s Ass: No, you stole it off me! Hang on, I’m almost done

Irondad: Why am I a billionaire and only own one sparkly pen?

Rhodey: idk but I need one too Tones

Falcon107: @ScarlettBitch if you take another fucking crayon off me I’m going to scream

Scarlett Bitch: #sorrynotsorry I need green ok

Spidermom: Barton I’m not going to tell you again, put the glitter down before I hurt you.

Metal Arm: can I have some Clint – I’ve almost finished now

Hawkeye: You can never have too much glitter Tasha, yeah here you go @MetalArm

Spidermom: you’ve used like 3 tubs, that’s enough ffs

America’s Ass: You know Bruce, when you said that you had an idea on how to cheer up Peter, I didn’t expect to be sat around doing this :/

Green Rage Monster: What?! It’s a great idea! You all agreed it was a brilliant idea in the meeting earlier!

Metal Arm: yeah but that was before we realised that we live amongst thieves and liars

Hawkeye: just fucking tag me in that Barnes – we all know you mean me

Metal Arm: not my fault you stole my paper

Hawkeye: I already fucking told you I didn’t take the pink paper!

Irondad: jfc what even is my life

Spidermom: Has anybody actually finished their section yet, because we’ve been at this for like 3 hours and it’s now 2am.

Green Rage Monster: Almost done now, just need to add a few finishing touches

Falcon107: I would have been finished a while ago, but @ScarlettBitch keeps stealing my crayons

Scarlett Bitch: snitches get stitches

Falcon107: there’s this thing called freedom of speech. Screw this man, give me back my crayons

Scarlett Bitch: don’t even start with me Wilson istg

Falcon107: FEBEQ H |NRB QOH BFE VG GHgwbvwi

Spidermom: … what just happened? Did Wanda hurt Sam?

Rhodey: No I’m pretty sure she just killed him

Hawkeye: rip

Irondad: rip

Rhodey: rip

Metal Arm: rip

Spidermom: rip

Green Rage Monster: rip

America’s Ass: why have I just walked in the living room to see Sam mid air screeching about stolen crayons and freedom of speech?

Hawkeye: Read up Cap

Falcon107: I can’t believe that I have just been made to sit in the corner to finish my section by Captain America. I’m a grownass man! This is bullshit

Hawkeye: so is colouring with glitter pens on a Thursday night, yet here we are

Spidermom: stop lying Barton you’re loving this

Hawkeye: ahaha true tho

America’s Ass: Wanda is now in the living room on her own too. I’m sick of the fighting. Just get it finished Sam!

Scarlett Bitch: I’m so tired can’t we call it a night yet

Green Rage Monster: No, not until it’s finished. You all promised!

Irondad: Oh my GOD I’m so talented

Spidermom: you call that talent?

Metal Arm: it looks like you’ve drawn the hulk with a giant ear

Irondad: that’s his hand!

Hawkeye: then what’s that

Irondad: his leg

Spidermom: lmao thought it was something else

Scarlett Bitch: omg I’ve just seen it ahahaha

America’s Ass: Natasha -___-

Spidermom: look at it!!

Rhodey: ahahah true Nat

America’s Ass: ah I can see it now. Tony, start over, you’re not putting that on the final thing

Irondad: fuck off Elsa. It’s taken me 3 hours

Hawkeye: it’s not too bad tbh

Irondad: thanks Legolas, yours is good too

Hawkeye: no I didn’t say it was good, I just said it wasn’t too bad

Irondad: fuck you. Luckily I did a spare. Who else is finished?

Spidermom: me and Steve are, not sure about everyone else bc we’re all in different rooms

Green Rage Machine: just been round everyone, think we’re all pretty much finished now. Just need to attach them all – shouldn’t take too long




Rhodey: Okay for the record, this isn’t a good idea

Irondad: shut up it’s a brilliant idea

Rhodey: I just don't get how it's going to stay on the wall

Scarlett Bitch: It’s fucking 6am and none of us have slept – I can barely see at this point

Green Rage Monster: didn’t think it would take so long tbh and we're using a special bluetac I made Rhodey, so it'll stick

Spidermom: it looks good stop complaining bc the kid will be up soon

America’s Ass: Nat – hold your side up higher, Wanda turn to the left a bit with your end

Falcon107: it actually looks like a kindergarteners first attempt at drawing

Hawkeye: wow rude

Spidermom: no one asked for your opinion Wilson, shut up and help me lift this

Green Rage Monster: There! That’s amazing. Good job everyone! Peter is going to love this.

Irondad: He will do – speak of the devil – he’s awake now – Friday just told me


Irondad deleted all messages from the past 7 hours


LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: Morning guys, what’s all the banging??

America’s Ass: Good morning Peter, come down to the living room and find out😊

LittleSpider: ok…


LittleSpider is offline


Hawkeye: aw he’s crying someone hug him bc I can’t reach from over here

Spidermom: on it

Rhodey: good call Bruce. He absolutely loves it

Green Rage Monster: Thanks, just thought it would be a nice thing for him, from all of us.

Irondad: as if he’s taken a picture of it and has sent it to his friends

Scarlett Bitch: <3 god he’s a good kid

Spidermom: agreed

Hawkeye: agreed

Falcon107: agreed

America’s Ass: agreed

Rhodey: agreed

Irondad: agreed

Metal Arm: agreed

Green Rage Monster: agreed


Pepper Potts CEO is online


Pepper Potts CEO: Happy tells me that Peter won’t shut up about what you guys did for him earlier today, when he dropped him off at school a bit ago. So I’ve just walked into the living room and find you all admiring a homemade tapestry – of a very colourful family tree of you lot – that has Peter at the top <3 God you guys have gone soft<3

Spidermom: agreed

America’s Ass: agreed

Rhodey: agreed

Hawkeye: agreed

Irondad: agreed

Metal Arm: agreed

Falcon107: agreed

Green Rage Monster: agreed

Scarlett Bitch: agreed

Pepper Potts CEO: Did you guys really stay up all night to make this for the Kid, to cheer him up?

Irondad: yup and it was worth every minute to see that smile on his face

America’s Ass: couldn’t have said it better myself Tony

Falcon107: he has a family, it might not be a normal one, but it’s still good

Scarlett Bitch: yeah, he is defo part of this crazy family

Spidermom: just wait until he shows that stupid little punk Flash xD might go down there just so I can see his face when Peter shows him the family tree we made lol

Pepper Potts CEO: Please God no Natasha

Spidermom: I’m kidding – I’m in the movie room – I’ve hacked into the cameras in his Spanish class instead to watch bc it’s the only class he has today with the little shit

Pepper Potts CEO: Of course you have -__-

Irondad: @Spidermom open invite?

Spidermom: of course – hurry up tho bc the bell just rung and they’re all walking in

Irondad: everyone coming to watch the Kid show up that little punk?

America’s Ass: Yes, I’ll bring the popcorn

Rhodey: On it

Scarlett Bitch: Omw

Hawkeye: I’m already there with Nat lol

Falcon107: Coming up now

Green Rage Monster: I’ll pop in for a bit

Metal Arm: On my way

Pepper Potts CEO: I have a meeting, but I guess I could be late😊


Everyone is offline

Chapter Text

Everyone is online



LittleSpider: if you could be any Disney character who would you be and why? I’d be Stitch bc I’ve always wanted to grow another pair of arms and my favourite colour is blue:D

Scarlett Bitch: Alice from Alice in Wonderland bc she basically eats or drinks all her problems away and that is 100000% me

LittleSpider: that’s a BIG m00d

Spidermom: Elastigirl from Incredibles, bc she takes nobodys shit

LittleSpider: omg YES

Pointbreak: I would like to become the friendly blue fish – as she is very cute and I too, like to travel to new realms with my friends

LittleSpider: Dory??? From Finding Nemo, Thor??

Pointbreak: Yes

LittleSpider: ah cool cool, everyone else????

Hawkeye: man this is a hard question squirt. I mean, Robin Hood – the guys got a good aim, I’m pretty much him already but I’d have to go with Simba bc he’s epic - #shakespearewithfur

Irondad: Lewis from Meet the Robinsons as he makes super weird cool shit and so do I

Rhodey: I defo like Maui from Moana – not just bc he’s black and I’m black before anyone starts, but I love the Rock and idk, I just like how he isn’t romantically involved with Moana and actually wants to try and fix his mistakes the right way

Irondad: fuck Rhodey that was deep man

Rhodey: Ikr – I’ve started to read poetry, opens your mind up to some deep shit Tony

Irondad: fairs

America’s Ass: Well Peter, as a very big Disney fan, I find this question quite challenging actually. However, I would definitely say Hercules for me – we have lots of similarities

Falcon107: Buzz Lightyear defo – he’s sick man

Metal Arm: Winnie the Pooh bc he doesn’t give a fuck about anything other than food and I can relate to that

Hawkeye: @MetalArm lmfao same tho

Green Rage Monster: Wreck it Ralph for me – because I’d get to be like the hulk, but actually people wouldn’t run away from me in fear lol

Pepper Potts CEO: Mary Poppins because all I seem to do is clean up all your shit xD

LittleSpider: omg savage Ms Potts!!!!!

Irondad: wow thanks Pep

Pepper Potts CEO: 😉

America’s Ass: On another note, I have a quick question for everyone – I’ve just walked into the living room and just wondered…why does the living room look like a bomb went off in it?

Spidermom: I wondered that earlier

Rhodey: why didn’t you say anything???

Spidermom: I’m just used to seeing weird shit, living with you lot

Hawkeye: fairs

Pointbreak: I do not know the reason for the mess in the living room friends, as I am currently in Asgard.

Irondad: yeah we know Thor

Pointbreak: I shall leave this conversation now – goodbye friends and see you soon😊


Pointbreak is offline


America’s Ass: so who was it????

Green Rage Monster: By the looks of the mess, somebody was searching for something

Metal Arm: who the fuck owns a colour changing lightbulb

Irondad: ??? I’m in the lab so I have no idea what’s going on rn

Metal Arm: I walked over to the sofa by the TV and it rolled out from underneath one of the many cushions on the floor

Hawkeye: :O YOU FOUND IT?!

Rhodey: why do we have so much stuff?

Scarlett Bitch: idk

Falcon107: Clint why

Spidermom: he likes the colours and lost it ages ago :/

Hawkeye: I’m so happy now :D

Irondad: @LittleSpider do you know anything about the mess in the living room?

LittleSpider: oops that might have been me

Falcon107: Kid what did you do holy shit it’s so messy in here

Scarlett Bitch: is that a slice of toast on the ceiling?!

Pepper Potts CEO: Peter Parker, you better explain yourself now.

LittleSpider: *gulps*

Irondad: **grounds Peter**

LittleSpider: NOOOOOOOO

Irondad: then start talking

LittleSpider: basically

LittleSpider: I lost my homework and mr whiskers was chasing something and I was rushing to get to school and then I heard a crash and I tripped and I was stressed and then I found my homework finally but I couldn’t find whatever mr whiskers was chasing so I had to go

Spidermom: Why would he be chasing anything?

LittleSpider: I mighta accidentally kinda left the window in the living room open last night a smidge

Pepper Potts CEO: Peter – how many times?! You have to close them after patrol!

LittleSpider: I’m sorry!!!! I forgot ☹

Green Rage Monster: It’s fine Peter, just try and remember for next time.

LittleSpider: 😊 I’ll clean the mess up when I get home from school @PPottsCEO @Irondad

Irondad: damn right you will

Pepper Potts CEO: Thanks Kid – glad you found your homework and make sure you get the toast off the ceiling please.

LittleSpider: ahhhh I wondered where I’d left it – will do😊 See you all later!


LittleSpider is offline


Irondad: I’m coming up now

Spidermom: Clint stop playing with the lightbulb

Hawkeye: I forgot how much happiness this brings me

Scarlett Bitch: FEBIGUWGG 4UBO G]W

Metal Arm: that can’t be good

Rhodey: HELL NO

Irondad: was that Wanda and Rhodey screaming???

Spidermom: yup

America’s Ass: So… we found out what Mr Whiskers was chasing

Pepper Potts CEO: do I want to know?

Falcon107: probably not

Spidermom: it’s small and squeaks

Hawkeye: Right that’s it we’re moving

America’s Ass: it’s by your foot Clint

Hawkeye: dNiiubf9[ t-jg=0

Irondad: Oh you better not have just told me that there’s a mouse running around in all this mess bc I will lose my shit

Falcon107: damn it’s quick

Spidermom: someone catch it

Metal Arm: trying

America’s Ass: Wanda’s standing on top of the table with Clint -___-

Rhodey: World’s mightiest heroes everyone

Falcon107: shut up man, you screamed when it charged at you

Rhodey: Sam stop selling me out

Irondad: you know when I imagined how I’d start my week, this was not it

Green Rage Monster: it’s by the TV now

Spidermom: where’s the cat?!

Falcon107: he’s asleep on the windowsill – gave it up as a bad job by the looks of it

Irondad: ffs someone catch it before I lose my shit


Metal Arm: GOT IT!

Spidermom: thank god

Green Rage Monster: I’ll get the disinfectant

America’s Ass: good job guys – thanks Bruce

Pepper Potts CEO: @LittleSpider you are so grounded

Irondad: agreed


Everyone is offline

Chapter Text

Everyone is online

Pepper Potts CEO is offline


Irondad: who in the holy fuck threw the toaster out of the kitchen window

Falcon107: idk me and Cap are training???

LittleSpider: snitches get stitches

Irondad: spill Kid, now

LittleSpider: no I don’t want to tell on anyone

Rhodey: that’s a loyal ass right there @littlespider

LittleSpider: <3 doing my bit for the people

America’s Ass: going to go out on a limb here and say @hawkeye ???

Hawkeye: that’s just fucking rude

Spidermom: rude but true

Hawkeye: stop exposing me Nat istg I thought we were friends

Spidermom: it’s more of a professional courtesy

Hawkeye: what the fuck

Irondad: can we go back to why you decided to throw a multimillion piece of equipment out of the window??????

Scarlett Bitch: it wouldn’t turn on this morning

Rhodey: I said it was a bad idea

Green Rage Monster: ^^^

Pointbreak: The Toasting Device did not turn on, so I decided to use Mjölnir to give it a kick

Irondad: Thor you’ve been here less than 12 hours and you’ve already used that motherfucking hammer when I SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU NOT TO

Pointbreak: Stark, it is not my fault that your machines do not work.

LittleSpider: hahaha remember the kettle incident last monthxD

Spidermom: Kid.

Pointbreak: I thought we were never speaking of that again?

Rhodey: Damn it Peter

America’s Ass: Peter!

Scarlett Bitch: ohhhh noooo

Hawkeye: what the hell Peter

Green Rage Monster: well we managed a month without that getting out

Falcon107: nice going Kid

Metal Arm: -___-


LittleSpider: hehe funny story

Irondad: enlighten me

America’s Ass: Look, Tony I was having a really bad day and there was an incident and it got broken, but I replaced it with a better one anyway, so it’s all fine

Irondad: I’m going to need to know what the incident was Cap

America’s Ass: it wasn’t a big deal

Irondad: by you saying it wasn’t a big deal, makes me think that it was a big deal

Scarlett Bitch: it was a pretty big deal tho

Irondad: someone explain NOW

America’s Ass: not it

Green Rage Monster: not it

Falcon107: not it

Spidermom: not it

Hawkeye: not it

Scarlett Bitch: not it

Rhodey: not it

Pointbreak: I do not wish to be it either

Metal Arm: not it – it’s on you Kid

LittleSpider: Mr Rogers got mad and punched it and it broke

Irondad: I’m going to lose my shit

America’s Ass: Thanks for selling me out Peter.

LittleSpider: sorry☹

Irondad: it’s like running a zoo

Spidermom: Well anyway, back to the toaster… so the hammer kind of worked, but there was too much input, so the toaster kind of blew up a bit and we panicked

Metal Arm: then Clint yeeted it out of the window

Hawkeye: #you’rewelcome


Hawkeye: I basically saved everyone from an electrical fire

Scarlett Bitch: lmao

LittleSpider: I just wanted some toast ☹ I had to eat an apple instead :/

Irondad: Here’s a wacky idea – seeing as though I can literally fix anything, why didn’t you just bring it to me?!?!

Spidermom: we’re lazy

America’s Ass: Me and Sam have no part in this – don’t start a fight – see you all later😊


America’s Ass is offline

Falcon107 is offline



LittleSpider: Am I in trouble or can I go???

Irondad: no you’re not in trouble but why are you going? Aren’t you meant to be on patrol soon?

LittleSpider: bc I’m kinda busy

Irondad: spill

LittleSpider: I’d rathe notMrr Stark bc youe alread yso mad

Irondad: I’m about 3 seconds away from tracking your phone

LittleSpider: ok! I mightbe swing ing around NEwYork and am  currently chasing after a car?

Spidermom: lol RIP

Scarlett Bitch: Kid’s got a death wish rip

Rhodey: rip

Green Rage Monster: rip

Metal Arm: rip

Hawkeye: rip

Pointbreak: rip


LittleSpider: urrrr like 7?


LittleSpider: :O


LittleSpider is offline


Rhodey: #Irondad

Scarlett Bitch: #Irondad

Spidermom: #Irondad

Metal Arm: #Irondad

Pointbreak: #Irondad

Hawkeye: #Irondad

Green Rage Monster: #Irondad

Irondad: I hate you all.


Everyone is offline

Chapter Text

Everyone is online


LittleSpider is offline

Pointbreak is offline


Pepper Potts CEO: Hi everyone, just a reminder that Peter’s school Talent Show is tonight at 7pm. See you by the front door at 6.25pm – Happy will be driving us, unless you make your own way there. Don’t be late. Tony says you all have it organised, but I just wanted to remind you. Thanks, Pepper.


Pepper Potts CEO is offline


Falcon107: do we really have to go to this

Spidermom: apparently

Green Rage Monster: Yep

Scarlett Bitch: I cba

Metal Arm: same Wanda

America’s Ass: I think Tony would murder us if we refused

Irondad: you got that right Capiscle and anyway, you all promised

Rhodey: promise is a bit of a stretch – you threatened death upon us if we didn’t go

Irondad: Listen, the Kid is proper nervous about it guys and really doesn’t want to do it – it’s only for 2 hours

Green Rage Monster: why does he have to be in it, if he doesn’t want to be?

America’s Ass: He mentioned to me that it’s like 12% of his overall grade for this semester I think.

Irondad: It’s 15% Cap, but yes you’re right. It’s stupid. They all have to participate to give them all an opportunity to perform in front of an audience. Peter will be fine, but I think that us all going will give him the moral support that he needs.

Scarlett Bitch: I’m so glad I didn’t go to high school

Spidermom: m00d @ScarlettBitch

Irondad: So, make sure you’re ready for 6.25, sharp, unless you’re making your own way there. @Hawkeye don’t forget to bring the tickets you got earlier this week

Hawkeye: yeah about that

Rhodey: here we go

Green Rage Monster: not again

Spidermom: you better not be insinuating what I think you’re insinuating

America’s Ass: Please tell me that you remembered to get the tickets Clint

Irondad: you had one job

Hawkeye: I did remember, I just forgot to actually get them

Spidermom: that makes no sense

Hawkeye: I was on my way to get them but I got side tracked

Rhodey: by?

Hawkeye: a really cute dog

Irondad: istg

America’s Ass: Clint.

Scarlett Bitch: am DeAd

Spidermom: oh ffs is that when you met Percy

Irondad: who the fuck is Percy

Spidermom: the dog

Green Rage Monster: lmao

America’s Ass: why would you get distracted by a dog Clint?!

Hawkeye: not my fault he was cute

Spidermom: he sent me a pic and everything

Hawkeye: stop selling me out Nat


**Spidermom sent pdf file named PERCYYYYYISSOCUTEURGH to Avengers Group Chat**


Scarlett Bitch: n’aww

Rhodey: why can’t we get a dog

Irondad: because you can barely look after yourselves

Spidermom: rude but true

Falcon107: hahahaha

America’s Ass: Clint I can’t believe you did that.

Hawkeye: he was the sweetest lil thing I ever saw so excuse the fuck out of me

Green Rage Monster: Percy is very cute though.

Metal Arm: nice dog

Irondad: right okay so we’re meant to leave in like 2 hours and we have no tickets

Rhodey: that is an issue

Spidermom: a slight inconvenience

Falcon107: so are we going or??

Scarlett Bitch: idk

Irondad: A slight inconvenience?! We have no tickets, therefore no way to get in!! Any ideas????

Hawkeye: me and Tasha are spies tho we can find a way in

Spidermom: bold of you to think I haven’t already mapped out a route


Rhodey: yeah im sick of all the police calls

Falcon107: I think theyre funny

Scarlett Bitch: cant I just control the person letting people in – by convincing them that we have tickets?

Green Rage Monster: that could work

Irondad: maybe

Metal Arm: sounds good


Irondad: what’s your big idea then

America’s Ass: to ring the school up and buy tickets over the phone. I’ll be right back.


America’s Ass is offline


Spidermom: breaking in would have been more fun

Irondad: as appealing as that sounds – I’d like just one trip away from the Compound to end up without one of us being arrested

Hawkeye: killjoy

Falcon107: what is the Kid doing in the show btw

Irondad: magic

Spidermom: can he make Clint disappear

Hawkeye: what the fuck

Scarlett Bitch: omg that would be epic

Irondad: no


America’s Ass is online


Irondad: please tell me you got the tickets

America’s Ass: I got the tickets

Spidermom: did you actually

America’s Ass: Yep. But we’re sitting near the back which sucks

Falcon107: we can all thank Clint for that

Scarlett Bitch: you had one job!!

Hawkeye: I don’t see you lot with jobs!!!

Spidermom: dress code – I’ve planned everyone’s outfits accordingly

Rhodey: me and pepper did press control

Falcon107: patrolling the Compound for paparazzi before we leave

Scarlett Bitch: I organised the times of when we arrive

Green Rage Monster: I wrote down back up plans incase anything went wrong

Irondad: I sorted out transport

America’s Ass: me and @Metal Arm were in charge of overlooking the venue and possible attack points – so we went to the school last week to scout it out

Hawkeye: ok ok ok jeez im sorry

Irondad: now we have the tickets can we start getting ready because I don’t want to be late – bet the Kid is nervous enough

Spidermom: yup

America’s Ass: don’t forget to meet at the front door


Everyone is offline


Everyone is online

LittleSpider is offline

Pointbreak is offline


Falcon107: @Hawkeye if you throw one more piece of popcorn at me I’m going to hurt you

Scarlett Bitch: is that Clint doing that?! Thought it was Nat

Spidermom: why would I be throwing popcorn

Scarlett Bitch: idk thought you were bored

Green Rage Monster: I’m bored

Metal Arm: wanna get another hotdog Banner???

Green Rage Monster: yeah anything is better than sitting here

Irondad: NO! No-one is going anywhere

Metal Arm: sorry mom

Irondad: don’t even go there Barnes

Metal Arm: fuck off Tony

Spidermom: boys play nice

America’s Ass: shut up it’s about to start!

Rhodey: I already hate this and it hasn’t even started yet

Scarlett Bitch: Clint stop throwing popcorn jfc

Hawkeye: Bj h’giowioE RGF8O

America’s Ass: Thanks Nat

Spidermom: np

Pepper Potts CEO: Natasha istg stop stabbing Clint

Spidermom: he’s annoying me

Rhodey: wait did she actually just stab him?!

Irondad: yeah but it was only a pencil


Spidermom: serves you right for causing a scene


Spidermom: and your point is?

Hawkeye: IT HURT

Spidermom: I can do it again

Pepper Potts CEO: Can you all at least TRY and act like normal fucking human beings please???

Hawkeye: I genuinely don’t know if I can

Scarlett Bitch: big m00d

Falcon107: true

Irondad: it’s so hard to do that

Spidermom: I’m the only normal one here besides Steve

Hawkeye: you just stabbed me with a fucking pencil

Spidermom: oh you mean this one?

Hawkeye: BWVDD Y fb\cskj,FVPAZU;

Falcon107: ahahahah

Pepper Potts CEO: ffs

Scarlett Bitch: entertainment at its finest

Metal Arm: omg Clint’s stormed off

Irondad: it’s starting – he’s going to miss Peter!

Pepper Potts CEO: He’ll catch up, everyone be quiet and please act normally.


Everyone is offline


Pepper Potts CEO is online

Rhodey is online

Irondad is online

America’s Ass is online

Falcon107 is online

Spidermom is online

Scarlett Bitch is online

Green Rage Monster is online

Metal Arm is online


Scarlett Bitch: the dancers are good – I like the use of the props too

Spidermom: I agree, the musical choices are very well thought out.

Falcon107: I’d rather be anywhere but here – when is it the Kid’s turn

Irondad: after this I think – he’s the last one

Pepper Potts CEO: No, Peter is on after the next group – the ones who have just come on stage

Green Rage Monster: is this another dance group?

Scarlett Bitch: looks like it, but why are they all facing away from the stage lol

Rhodey: idk

Irondad: omg they’re dancing to Rock Lobster that’s amazing

Metal Arm: who’s the one by the left curtain? The back of his head looks familiar

America’s Ass: I was thinking that actually

Spidermom: oh please tell me that that isn’t who I think it is

Pepper Potts CEO: Do you know him Natasha??

Spidermom: just wait until they all turn around – I hope I’m not right

Spidermom: jfc I’m right

America’s Ass: Is that who I think it is?

Green Rage Monster: It is

Rhodey: I have no words

Falcon107: changed my mind I love this talent show xD

Pepper Potts CEO: one trip, just one trip out of the Compound that doesn’t end in chaos – that’s all I wanted


America’s Ass: Oh yeah, let’s all just hop onto the stage and drag Clint off – in front of a room of paying audience members – great idea Tony

Scarlett Bitch: this is comedy gold

Spidermom: why the holy fuck is Barton dancing with a bunch of 16 year olds to rock lobster

Irondad: I have no idea

Pepper Potts CEO: Great now he’s singing along

Rhodey: it’s kinda funny

Green Rage Monster: lmao he tripped

Spidermom: I don’t know whether to be annoyed or amused

Pepper Potts CEO: Annoyed! Very annoyed Natasha!

Scarlett Bitch: Nah it’s just a bit of fun lol imagine if they won the talent show xD

America’s Ass: Wanda, we want Peter to win – isn’t that the whole reason we came here?!

Rhodey: I don’t care who wins as long as I can go soon

Irondad: everyone shut up – the Kid’s on now

Scarlett Bitch: aw he looks so nervous

Spidermom: he just saw us and smiled😊


Hawkeye is online


Hawkeye: Hey guysss what did u think

Pepper Potts CEO: Insanity was the first word that came to mind.

Scarlett Bitch: amazing

Spidermom: just why did you do that????!?!?

Hawkeye: dunno, I got bored, so went to the bathroom and then on my way back, I met this cool Kid who was dancing to Rock Lobster and I was like hey dude I can dance – then he invited me into his group


America’s Ass: Clint please never do anything like that again

Hawkeye: you’re just jealous that I can dance and you cant

America’s Ass: I can dance, and no I’m pissed off that you completely crashed a school talent show just so you could show off that you can dance on the spot

Spidermom: m00d

Hawkeye: -____-

Falcon107: it was funny tho

Metal Arm ^

Hawkeye: thanks guyssss

Green Rage Monster: Peter’s doing such a good job

Spidermom: wonder if he kept that bird up his sleeve the whole day

Hawkeye: looool I’m not doing his laundry

Scarlett Bitch: that was so good!!!!

Rhodey: results time, hope he wins after that

Pepper Potts CEO: shut up and stop shouting at each other istg

Irondad: if I want to cheer for my Kid then I will do

Pepper Potts CEO: Tony.

Irondad: ok fine

Scarlett Bitch: OMG HE WON

Falcon107: eyyyy

Hawkeye: goddamn it I wanted to win ☹

Spidermom: so proud of him!! Barton shut up

Green Rage Monster: Look at Peter’s grin ahaha

Rhodey: love how he ignored all of us and ran straight to Tony to hug him #Irondad

Scarlett Bitch: #Irondad

Spidermom: #Irondad

Pepper Potts CEO: #Irondad

Metal Arm: #Irondad

Pointbreak: #Irondad

Hawkeye: #Irondad

Green Rage Monster: #Irondad


LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: Thank you all soooo so so much for coming!!!! I’m so happy I won!!!!! You all made me feel less nervous and I love you all!!! <3 <3 <3   Also #Irondad

Irondad: You’re welcome bud – wouldn’t have missed it for the world😊 #ProudIrondad



Everyone is offline










Chapter Text

Everyone is online


Pointbreak is offline

Pepper Potts CEO is offline


LittleSpider: hey everyone happy SUNDAYYYY!!!! Alsoooooo I’m adding a superhero friend that I met on patrol last night bc hes super cool and loads of fun


LittleSpider added avocadoface to Avengers Group Chat



LittleSpider: hi Wade!!!

Avocadoface: omg hi kiddo! You know when you said that you’d put me in the avengers group chat, I didn’t actually think that you’d put me in the avengers group chat – is there an initation process???? Who do I have to fuck??? please say Captain America<3 uwu

Irondad: who the fuck is this

Avocadoface: your worst dream and best nightmare

Falcon107: that isn’t the saying dude, who are you?

America’s Ass: Peter – who is this???


America’s Ass: Thanks – but you’re not having sexual intercourse with anybody on this team, just so we’re clear, whoever you are…

Scarlett Bitch: Peter – who is Wade?

LittleSpider: only like the coolest guy ever

Irondad: what the fuck

LittleSpider: sorry Mr Stark but he is soooooooo cool

Avocadoface: im on the bus and im crying

LittleSpider: don’t cry!!!!

Avocadoface: is this what happiness feels like????!!?!?

Falcon107: you met him on patrol Peter?

LittleSpider: yeah we stopped a robbery together

Avocadoface: our first robbery<3


Hawkeye: Nat???

Spidermom: I’ve heard of him. His name is Wade Wilson, he’s 42 and he goes by the name of Dead-Pool.

Irondad: oh ffs not him

Avocadoface: I think ive died and gone to heaven

Green Rage Monster: are you the guy who sorted out that fire on 42nd a few weeks ago and saved everyone in the building??

Avocadoface: holy shit Ironman, Black Widow and Hulk know who I am *dies*

LittleSpider: he always wanted to meet you all, but you’re all so busy, so I thought as the admin, I’d add him to the chat to say hi!

Irondad: Kid he’s not an avenger

America’s Ass: Tony is right Peter, we discuss important issues on here

Avocadoface: I resurrected myself don’t worry

LittleSpider: xD

Scarlett Bitch: Steve, we discussed who ate the last biscuit last night – it’s hardly news material

Spidermom: yeah this chat is basically just a mess

Avocadoface: we can get messy together <3

Spidermom: I will find and stab you

Avocadoface: Black Widow doesn’t like heart emojji’s got it

Hawkeye: dude she’s literally sat sharpening her knives

Avocadoface: :O

Irondad: keep it PG bc there’s a minor here

LittleSpider: Mr Stark I’m 16!!

Irondad: exactly

LittleSpider: *huffs dramatically*

America’s Ass: Wade, tell us a bit about yourself then

Avocadoface: I’m Dead-Pool and I use humor to deflect my insecurities. Plus, I’m hilarious, so don’t hate on me fuckers

Rhodey: ahahahaha

LittleSpider is offline


America’s Ass: watch your language!

Avocadoface: suck a cock

Hawkeye: god this guy is cool

Scarlett Bitch: I like him

Avocadoface: awwwww I like you too Sabrina the teenage witch<3 I definitely would let you use your super powers on me to see what I’m thinking about you<3

Scarlett Bitch: xD tell me when ahahaha

Irondad: Where the fuck did the Kid go???

Falcon107: this chat is the highlight of my day

Avocadoface: he’s a little busyyyyyyy

America’s Ass: what does that mean?


Avocadoface is offline


Irondad: okay now I’m worried – where the hell is the Kid?!

Metal Arm: it’s Sunday so probably patrol

Irondad: he would have texted me

Spidermom: on another note – has anyone seen what’s happening on 54th?

Green Rage Monster: no I’m in the lab

Irondad: Bruce you basically live in the lab

Green Rage Monster: you can’t say anything Mr I’ll have a coffee as a meal because I haven’t slept in 76 hours


Metal Arm: it’s really not Tony

Spidermom: Barnes I saw you neck like 3 expresso shots by themselves this morning

Hawkeye: I think we can all agree we all have a caffeine problem

America’s Ass: anyway, what’s happening on 54th Nat?

Spidermom: turn on the news – basically a hostage situation

Falcon107: the police are struggling

Scarlett Bitch: should we go and help??

Spidermom: found the Kid

Irondad: oh FFS


Rhodey: that was a brilliant flip up the building!

America’s Ass: Tony’s literally sat in front of the TV hyperventilating

Hawkeye: who’s the other dude

Green Rage Monster: the other dude??

Metal Arm: yeah the one by Peter – near the left

Spidermom: oh that’s Wade (Dead Pool)

Irondad: did he just throw my Kid at the fucking shooters

America’s Ass: looks like it

Falcon107: yep

Rhodey: yes

Spidermom: is he eating a whole watermelon?

Irondad: he’s trying to talk to shooters and is eating a fucking watermelon with his bare hands

Hawkeye: god I wish I could be that cool


Avocadoface is online

LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: sorry I ltf b4 guys im a brt busy1

Avocadoface: you’re doing so good baby boy

Irondad: I’m going to have a heart attack


LittleSpider: it’ s okkkkk Wade is dealign wth them

Spidermom: he’s eating a watermelon

Hawkeye: I want a watermelon

America’s Ass: I have no words

Avocadoface: no words just watermelon

LittleSpider: gthes s o many og them/1

Irondad: peter i’m literally 2 seconds away from coming to get you


LittleSpider is offline


Metal Arm: #irondad

Irondad: not the fucking times Barnes

Falcon107: he’ll be fine – look they’ve practically got them all now

Spidermom: ok shit that didn’t go how I thought it was going to

Irondad: heart attack is happening

America’s Ass: Is peter ok?

Rhodey: not sure

Scarlett Bitch: when Dead Pool threw the watermelon at the main guys head I laughed so hard

Irondad: where the fuck is Peter omg

Rhodey: there by the desk in the corner – camera guy found him

America’s Ass: he looks a bit shaken up

Spidermom: so would you if you got shot at 7 times in a row

Hawkeye: he looks alright – he’s a tough Kid

Green Rage Monster: Is Dead Pool dancing?

America’s Ass: yup

Falcon107: hahahahahaha

Scarlett Bitch: omg I love him

Metal Arm: shit there’s another 5 of the shooters coming in from the bottom floor, the news guy just reported it

Hawkeye: should we go help them??

America’s Ass: we wouldn’t make it in time from here

Spidermom: by the time we got there it would be too late, they’re on their own

Irondad: Look I know I don’t know you wade but please get my kid back to me safe

Avocadoface: don’t worry Tinman I’ve got this


Avocadoface is offline


Spidermom: thank god

Irondad: that was the longest hour of my life

America’s Ass: wade really showed them! He seems like a great guy Tony

Irondad: yeah I guess he does – thanks for saving my Kid Wade


Avocadoface is online

LittleSpider is online



Irondad: we all saw you trapped in a room of shooters, trying to save the hostages, without any help from anyone, until Dead Pool showed up, yes.

LittleSpider: grounded?

Irondad: you bet

Avocadoface: awwwww no!!!! does this mean im grounded too

America’s Ass: well not unless you’re a 16 year old Kid

Avocadoface: I’m always left out ☹

Hawkeye: I’ll ground you Wade

Avocadoface: thanks Arrowguy – god I feel like one of the team now, this is amazing, a real proud moment

Spidermom: why did you eat a whole watermelon and start dancing in the presence of shooters

Avocadoface: I was hungry and bored?

Falcon107: wow

Rhodey: that’s inspirational and pretty dumb all at once

Metal Arm: that’s cool

Spidermom: do you just carry watermelons around?

Avocadoface: no I prefer apples and carrots, but just fancied a watermelon today – don’t you guys carry fruit around with you?

LittleSpider: I do!!! I like apples too!!!

America’s Ass: no we don’t, we prefer to carry guns

Avocadoface: woah that’s so strange

Green Rage Monster: you honestly carry fruit around all the time?

Avocadoface: well obviously – I’m always hungry

Irondad: great ok, so fruit aside – Wade you’re definitely welcome in this chat, thanks for saving the Kid

Avocadoface: omggggg you’re welcome and thanks but imma give it a miss because you’re all so weird – cya round Peteypie<3<3<3<3


Avocadoface left the group chat


Irondad: he just ate a whole watermelon and danced in front of shooters and he thinks we’re weird and just left a fucking Avengers Group Chat – who does that

Rhodey: either a complete moron or a genius

Spidermom: I have no words

Hawkeye: wow I wish I was him

America’s Ass: -____-

LittleSpider: told you all he was amazing


Everyone is offline

Chapter Text

Falcon107 is online

Metal Arm is online

Rhodey is online

Hawkeye is online

Scarlett Bitch is online

Spidermom is online


Falcon107: can anyone explain to me why the fuck there are webs all over the kitchen ceiling

Scarlett Bitch: idk but I like it

Hawkeye: it’s the Kid – he’s been vamping up the Compound the past few hours, yano bc it’s Halloween soon

Spidermom: It’s literally the 1st of October.

Metal Arm: so that explains why Peter just ran past me, whispered happy Halloween and threw a handful of orange glitter in my face


LittleSpider is online




Falcon107: hang on what


Rhodey: God I love this holiday HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Metal Arm: how long was I asleep?

Spidermom: ffs it’s literally the 1st of October


Rhodey: I’m pretty sure that’s a made up word Pete

Hawkeye: made up and awesome


Spidermom: Tomorrow. Go. To. Sleep.

Hawkeye: awhhhhhhh naaaaaaaat

Scarlett Bitch: killjoy

Rhodey: tell us tomorrow though Kid, it’s pretty late or early

Falcon107: im so confused rn

Metal Arm: yup me too


Spidermom: Don’t make me come and find you

LittleSpider: I WILL NOT YIELD

Scarlett Bitch: you’ve been skyping Loki and Thor again haven’t you – that’s why you’re up so late bc of the time difference??


Spidermom: jfc

Falcon107: someone has also left a devastation of hot chocolate mixture all over the kitchen, aswell as all the webs

Hawkeye: wasn’t me

Rhodey: Clint, it was the Kid we’ve just been over this

Hawkeye: oh k


LittleSpider is offline


Falcon107: what was that noise

Scarlett Bitch: dunno but I want to find out

Spidermom: it’s fucking 2am, shut up and go to sleep before I hurt you

Hawkeye: tell the Kid!

Metal Arm: oh she has, she literally just found him hiding in the music room and dragged him to his bedroom and then took his phone off him

Hawkeye: lmao #parent

Spidermom: don’t make me come in there Barton

Hawkeye: yes ma’am

Falcon107: damn that Kid has some pumpkin sized balls

Hawkeye: god I hope we can carve some pumpkins

Scarlett Bitch: mine will be super scary

Rhodey: not a chance

Metal Arm: god I hate this holiday, it makes no sense

Hawkeye: what

Scarlett Bitch: Halloween is the best, shut up Barnes

Rhodey: why do you hate Halloween???

Metal Arm: I’ll get Steve to explain hang on

Spidermom: nobody is getting anybody. GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP


Everyone is offline


Irondad is online


Irondad: it’s 8am and I already need a drink

Everyone is online


Pepper Potts CEO is offline



Scarlett Bitch: big m00d Tony

Spidermom: Do I want to know what’s happening?

Hawkeye: probably not

Irondad: the Kid seems to think that it’s Halloween…30 DAYS TOO EARLY and is decorating the entire fucking Compound. I woke up with a giant inflatable of a clown in my face >:/

LittleSpider: HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!

Falcon107: hang on what

Rhodey: just go with it Sam

Green Rage Monster: ohhhhh so that explains why my lab is covered with hanging skeletons and pots of … slime?


Green Rage Monster: right

Metal Arm: I just don’t understand this holiday

America’s Ass: same Buck

Irondad: Kid – stop decorating for like a minute and explain Halloween to the two Grandpas

LittleSpider: IT’S THE GREATEST HOLIDAY EVER! Basically People dress up as scary things and eat candy! We carve pumpkins, watch scary films and go trick or treating!!!! I LOVE IT! Also, the October run up is amazing:D

Scarlett Bitch: true tho

Spidermom: Hang on, did you actually have Halloween back in the stone age?

America’s Ass: funny Romanoff and yes we did, but…it wasn’t like this

Green Rage Monster: what was it like?

Metal Arm: not like this

Irondad: that’s so interesting Barnes – feel like I was there

Metal Arm: stfu Tony

Irondad: Make me

Spidermom: Testosterone alert

Hawkeye: so Kid – what are your plans for October?


America’s Ass: Looking forward to it😊

Metal Arm: This’ll be fun – so what do we do then Kid?

LittleSpider: WELL. Before I was rudely dragged to bed and had my phone taken off me @Spidermom

Spidermom: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Irondad: thanks Nat

Spidermom: np


LittleSpider: I was discussing my plans for October which are as follows

Rhodey: the anticipation is killing me

Scarlett Bitch: if drinking pumpkin spice isn’t on your list we cant be friends Parker

LittleSpider: Pick Conkers and rake leaves, carve pumpkins, go to a Haunted House, drink pumpkin spice lattes, DRESS UP AND HAVE A HALLOWEEN PARTY and watch Hocus Pocus

Hawkeye: holy shit I’m so excited

Scarlett Bitch: same

Green Rage Monster: Good list Peter! It’ll be a nice bonding time for us all

Falcon107: Halloween isn’t for like a month right?


Falcon107: oh ok then sure

Rhodey: haha yes!

America’s Ass: it sounds nice, I’ll happily give it a go

Metal Arm: if everyone else is, then sure

Spidermom: I’m in - never did this stuff growing up

Irondad: I’m not in, I’m very much not in – no, no and no and especially no party


Irondad: no Halloween Party Kid – not happening

Hawkeye: you made him cry

Scarlett Bitch: *growls*

Falcon107: :O

Metal Arm: poor Kid

Spidermom: Stark.

America’s Ass: Tony!

Irondad: Fine we can have a Halloween Party -__-

LittleSpider: YEY!!!! THANK YOU MR STARK!!!!!

America’s Ass: What’s first on the list then Pete?

LittleSpider: Picking Conkers and raking leaves!!!:D

Hawkeye: oh good, the Compound garden has been needing tending to for ages

Spidermom: then why haven’t you done it

Hawkeye: bc I’m lazy af

Irondad: when are we doing this ffs

Scarlett Bitch: soon I hope!

Rhodey: Barton is already waiting outside xD

Metal Arm: lmao

Green Rage Monster: I’d rather stay in the lab today though

Irondad: If I have to suffer, then so do you Banner

Spidermom: I think we’re all actually free today – let’s meet outside in 20 mins, some fresh air will do us all good

America’s Ass: Sounds good

Falcon107: it’s cold though


Irondad: what could go wrong :/


Everyone is offline

Chapter Text


Falcon107 is online

Spidermom is online

America’s Ass is online

Metal Arm is online


Spidermom: You all in position?

Metal Arm: Yup

Falcon107: Affirmative

America’s Ass: Yes – let’s do this


Green Rage Monster is online

LittleSpider is online

Irondad is online

Scarlett Bitch is online

Hawkeye is online

Rhodey is online


LittleSpider: this isn’t really what I had in mind when I said lets go pick conkers

Scarlett Bitch: nah this is way better

Rhodey: not really Wanda – I can’t move without a fear of going blind

Spidermom: #sorrynotsorry




Falcon107: on your right Nat

Hawkeye: aobrb ori y3084wp34vh

Spidermom: got it thanks

Green Rage Monster: I feel physically unsafe

LittleSpider: don’t worry I’ll protect you Dr Banner

Irondad: IT’S ON


Everyone is offline


Green Rage Monster is online

LittleSpider is online

Irondad is online

Scarlett Bitch is online

Hawkeye is online

Rhodey is online

Falcon107 is online

Spidermom is online

America’s Ass is online

Metal Arm is online


Spidermom: Well that didn’t really go to plan but it’s fine bc we still won

America’s Ass: I can’t apologise enough Bruce

Irondad: I’m just happy he’s alive – turns out picking Conkers is a lot more dangerous than I originally thought

Green Rage Monster: It’s just a concussion, I’ll be fine – just, no more throwing small hard objects at each other please

Rhodey: preach

Hawkeye: I also have a sizeable bump on my head – thanks Nat

Spidermom: np

America’s Ass: we did say not to go for faces!

Green Rage Monster: well turns out that hitting someone on the back of the head will also give them concussion Cap

Metal Arm: lmao

LittleSpider: you guys don’t hold back with weapons do you

Falcon107: not really

Scarlett Bitch: nope

America’s Ass: No, but never mind, it’s over now and we won

Irondad: Only by default because you almost killed Banner and Legolas!

Spidermom: nah we won bc we’re the best

Hawkeye: sure Romanoff

Spidermom: want me to ‘accidentally’ hit you on the head again

Hawkeye: No pls


Spidermom: killjoy

Metal Arm: anyway, what’s next on the list Kid?

LittleSpider: racking leaves and drinking Pumpkin Spice lattes!

Scarlett Bitch: ON IT


Scarlett Bitch is offline

Rhodey: where the fuck did she just run off to

Spidermom: presumably to make the Lattes

Irondad: right, get a rake out of the shed everyone

LittleSpider: why do we have exactly 10 rakes mr stark

Irondad: bought them when you wanted to rake leaves

Rhodey: #irondad

Green Rage Monster: #irondad

Spidermom: #irondad

Hawkeye: #irondad

Falcon107: #irondad

Metal Arm: #irondad

America’s Ass: #irondad

LittleSpider: awwwww #irondad

Irondad: STOP #irondad istg just pick up a rake and start raking the goddamn leaves so I can go back inside

Hawkeye: stop hitting me with the rake natasha

Falcon107: lmao

America’s Ass: stop using the rake as a weapon Natasha jfc

Spidermom: it’s funny watch

Hawkeye: NO GO AWAY

LittleSpider: how about we work in teams to have a raking competition

Green Rage Monster: good idea Kid – who’s on what team

Hawkeye: oooooo competition whats the prize

America’s Ass: How about first choice for movie night tonight?

Falcon107: oh it’s on

Spidermom: okay so it’ll be 2 to a team – get picking bitches

Irondad: You better be on my team Kid

LittleSpider: I pickkkkkkkk AUNTIE NAT

Spidermom: good choice Kid – let’s win this

Irondad: what the fuck

Green Rage Monster: don’t worry Tony – you can pair with me if you want

Falcon107: Rhodey?

Rhodey: yes Sam we’ve got this

Metal Arm: Steve?

America’s Ass: Sure Buck

Hawkeye: who the fuck am I going with

Irondad: well everyone is here apart from Mind Control so guess you’re pairing with her

Hawkeye: we will win

Spidermom: in your dreams Barton

LittleSpider: Wanda’s back with the lattes!!! You all have to try them before we start the competition!!!!


Scarlett Bitch is online


Scarlett Bitch: hang on why is everyone paired up looking mutinously at each other

LittleSpider: we’re having a race to see who can rake a pile of leaves the fastest!

Hawkeye: you’re with me Wands

Scarlett Bitch: ah cool cool

Irondad: what in the fuck is this

Metal Arm: Pumpkin Spice Latte – quite nice actually

Falcon107: it’s nice, a bit too sweet for my liking

Spidermom: it’s my new favourite drink

Green Rage Monster: I’m more of a black coffee kinda guy but this is nice – thanks Wanda

Rhodey: ^


Irondad: I think I’ve just drunk a cup full of diabetes

LittleSpider: shut up mr stark it’s an amazing drink ok

Hawkeye: it’s God in a cup

Spidermom: that doesn’t make sense

Hawkeye: you don’t make sense  DNBOHGj f-qegbi

Irondad: stop hitting Legolas with a rake @Spidermom

Spidermom: pft

America’s Ass: it’s actually very tasty! Good job Wanda

Scarlett Bitch: <3

America’s Ass: Right: so teams are as follows: Me and Bucky, Tony and Bruce, Sam and Rhodey, Wanda and Clint and Nat and Peter – everyone ready?

Spidermom: Yes

LittleSpider: YAS

Hawkeye: yup

Irondad: as I’ll ever be

Rhodey: let’s do this

Metal Arm: yes

Scarlett Bitch: YESSSS

Falcon107: on it like a car bonnet

Green Rage Monster: yes😊

America’s Ass: GO

Irondad: come on Bruce you’re literally the hulk – where are your muscles

Green Rage Monster: do I look big and green rn Tony?!?!?

LittleSpider: we’re winning!!!!!

Scarlett Bitch: not when I do this

Spidermom: that is cheating Wanda stop moving leaves off of our pile

America’s Ass: play nice everyone

Hawkeye: Wanda duck!!!

Scarlett Bitch: bi v h0qfj -7t 9g

Metal Arm: stop throwing conkers Natasha

Spidermom: she started it by cheating I’m just evening out the playing field

Falcon107: where’s the kid gone?

Irondad: probably got bored of raking

Rhodey: urrrr guys

Green Rage Monster: omg is that Peter?

Irondad: SHIT


America’s Ass: STOP CHEATING

Spidermom: that’s the best thing I’ve ever seen

Scarlett Bitch: omg Tony looks pissed

Hawkeye: so would you if you got a face full of leaves

LittleSpider: we’re still winning @Spidermom

Spidermom: heheh

Falcon107: can I use the leaf blower now

Metal Arm: no Tony took it off the Kid ☹

Scarlett Bitch: killjoy

Hawkeye: keep raking wanda

Scarlett Bitch: it’s more fun watching you

America’s Ass: we’re in the endgame now guys – keep going!

Irondad: God I hate this

Rhodey: Sam im not doing all the work

Falcon107: looks like you are bc im done haha

Rhodey: you can’t just ‘be done’ we’re in a competition come on represent!

Green Rage Monster: tony can’t you just get a suit to do this for us

Irondad: surprisingly I have yet to make an ironman suit whose sole intention is to rake leaves – but I have my nano tech – look they’re already working



Hawkeye: fuck this everyone is cheating and so am I – Wanda do your shit


Scarlett Bitch: you started it

LittleSpider: no you did


Rhodey: what is going on

Metal Arm: idek


Irondad: Natasha istg stop throwing the fucking conkers

America’s Ass: Stop cheating Tony

Irondad: what about everyone else!?!?!

Spidermom: WE WON

LittleSpider: !!!!!!!

America’s Ass: by default

Scarlett Bitch: cheaters

Irondad: I think we can agree that most of us cheated

America’s Ass: right – now we can jump in the leaves?

Spidermom: Kid’s already doing it, so are half the team actually

Irondad: do we have to

America’s Ass: it’s fun!

Spidermom: ah fine then, fuck it

Metal Arm: I officially love October

LittleSpider: this was so much fun omggggg thanks everyone!! :D

Chapter Text


Everyone is online

Pointbreak is offline


Pepper Potts CEO: Peter, why has the mailman just given me 12 Haunted House Tickets for this evening?

LittleSpider: OMG THEY ARRIVED uwu

Hawkeye: NO WAY

Irondad: oh you’ve got to be shitting me

Spidermom: This will be interesting ha


Metal Arm: Steve – do you know what’s happening

America’s Ass: not really Buck

Rhodey: hang on what

Green Rage Monster: Peter – I scare easily and really don’t fancy going all green tonight if you know what I mean

LittleSpider: it’ll be fun!!!!! Thors back this afternoon so he can come too and we’ll all look after you Dr Banner!!! IT’S A HAUNTED HOUSE AND IT’LL BE SO MUCH FUN

Pepper Potts CEO: Hang on – there’s 12 tickets, who else is coming Kid?

LittleSpider: I was hoping you’d come too Pepper!!

Pepper Potts CEO: I mean I’m only busy running SI and sorting out press and stuff, but sure

LittleSpider: YEY!!!

Falcon107: Do we have to be scared or can we do the scaring in this haunted house?

America’s Ass: Not sure Sam, this will be the first Haunted House that me and Bucky have been to. Are there real ghosts?

LittleSpider: no ahahaha

Irondad: Cap – there’s no such thing as real ghosts

Metal Arm: well I never thought I’d meet a talking tree and a raccoon, so how should we know

Irondad: fair point – what time does it start Kid?

LittleSpider: 7 until 9.30😊

Hawkeye: omg im so excited


Everyone is offline


Everyone is online


America’s Ass: So the point of this is to make us scared?

Falcon107: pretty much

Pointbreak: It certainly seems very ‘scary’ – I am intrigued to know what happens when we go further inside.

Metal Arm: Well get ready bc here we go

LittleSpider: IT’S SO DARK

Spidermom: Barton stop shaking jfc


Rhodey: It is kind of creepy tbh

Spidermom: I’ve had scarier sandwiches

Irondad: ???? What?!!?!

Spidermom: The Kid put jellybeans in my sandwich when I didn’t look one time and I’ll never forget the taste

America’s Ass: urgh he did that to my sandwich last week and I almost threw up

LittleSpider: :O how could you not like it

Spidermom: I still have nightmares

America’s Ass: ^


Green Rage Monster: I really don’t

Pepper Potts CEO: Tony you can’t just materialise a fucking gauntlet to blast everything that’s cheating and dangerous

Irondad: pftt

LittleSpider: Where did Auntie Nat and Mr Barton go

Falcon107: not sure

Scarlett Bitch: too busy not caring

Metal Arm: this is great

America’s Ass: I have decided that this isn’t something that I enjoy

Rhodey: Dude it’s awesome

Green Rage Monster: It’s not and I’m alone in a room being stared at by a mummified person someone help pls

Rhodey: great now we’ve lost Thor

Irondad: I think we’ve lost fucking everyone I can’t see shit


Pepper Potts CEO: Kid I have no idea – by a large blood stain on the wall


Irondad: I’ll come get you

Pepper Potts CEO: You’re not leaving me Stark – get back here



Scarlett Bitch: nah it was just me scaring him ahahaha

Rhodey: lmao

Irondad: right we’ve got the Kid – where the fuck is everyone else

LittleSpider: oooooo look there’s something there by the corner!!!!! I’m going to scare it before it gets me

Pepper Potts CEO: careful Kid

LittleSpider: don’t worry I’ll use my webs :D

Scarlett Bitch: Bruce is rocking back and forth in the hallway

Rhodey: omw

Pointbreak: Why is Barton crying in a corner, whilst Natasha is laughing?

LittleSpider: that might have just been my fault

Irondad: Kid you’ve probably just scarred Legolas for life

Pepper Potts CEO: it was very funny though

America’s Ass: what happened????

Scarlett Bitch: spill the tea

Irondad: the Kid wanted to scare the thing in the corner before it scared him and it turned out that webbing the thing to the wall in the dark wasn’t the best idea bc it ended up being Legolas


Scarlett Bitch: ahahahahahahahaha

Pointbreak: That was very funny Peter!

LittleSpider: thanks Thor and sorry Mr Barton I thought you were a creepy Halloween decoration

Hawkeye: it’s ok Kid but I’ll get you back for this

Rhodey: got Bruce and we’re on our way downstairs now

Metal Arm: did anyone else hear that

Rhodey: yup

America’s Ass: I did

Irondad: who is it?


Spidermom: apparently it was Sam screaming that something is chasing him

Pointbreak: I like this Haunted House – it is very easy to scare people

Falcon107: fuck you Thor

Hawkeye: God this team sucks can’t trust anyBUOQE Tib b vb1p9r h0t

Rhodey: jfc

Pepper Potts CEO: If Clint has a heart attack on these premises I’m not filling out any paperwork Tony

Irondad: understood – Natasha stop scaring Clint

Spidermom: it’s fun tho

Scarlett Bitch: xD

Metal Arm: yeah I actually kinda enjoyed that – thanks Kid

America’s Ass: I thought it was interesting, but I didn’t like it.

Pepper Potts CEO: There’s the end of the house! Thank god

Irondad: I am never doing that again

LittleSpider: THANKS FOR COMING EVERYONE!!! I had fun :D

Pointbreak: I had a good time too

Scarlett Bitch: same

LittleSpider: let’s do it again!!!!

Irondad: NO.


Everyone is offline

Chapter Text

LittleSpider is online

Scarlett Bitch is online

Falcon107 is online

America’s Ass is online

Metal Arm is online


Falcon107: I cant believe I’ve been roped into this

Scarlett Bitch: it’s fun

LittleSpider: I LOVE THIS

America’s Ass: This is definitely something I can say I’ve never done before

Metal Arm: it feels so weird but I like it


Irondad is online

Spidermom is online

Hawkeye is online

Pointbreak is online


Irondad: what in the fuck are you all doing

Spidermom: I’m also interested in the answer

LittleSpider: Carving Pumpkins!!!!

Hawkeye: OMG WHERE

Spidermom: no

Irondad: Kid I said no – it’s too messy and I’ll be the one who has to clean it up

America’s Ass: We’ll clean it up Tony, come and join us!


Irondad: Do I have a choice

LittleSpider: NOPE

Irondad: omw then

Pointbreak: I do not understand? What is a pumpkin carving?

Scarlett Bitch: a scary face on a pumpkin Thor – it’s a Halloween thing

Pointbreak: I would like to try

Hawkeye: wouldn’t we all

Spidermom: no

LittleSpider: please auntie nat xxx

Spidermom: omw

Hawkeye: wait what the fuck

Spidermom: come on Barton

Hawkeye: YASSSSS


Hawkeye: think you mean mine will be kid

Spidermom: you’re both wrong, if I have to do this, then mine will definitely be the scariest

Pointbreak: I accidently crushed my Pumpkin – can I have another please

LittleSpider: Don’t worry Thor, I’ve squished 4 already #superstrengthcanbeshitsometimes

Hawkeye: holy fuck how many did you buy

Metal Arm: yeah there’s like 50 pumpkins here Kid

LittleSpider: I used the emergency credit card that Mr Stark gave me


LittleSpider: it was and it still is! I keep squishing the pumpkins bc of my stupid super strength so I bought extra

Irondad: I give up jfc

Spidermom: big m00d

Scarlett Bitch: lmao

America’s Ass: Clint no you can’t use a vacuum to get all the insides of the pumpkin out

Hawkeye: pfft why not

America’s Ass: because it will break!!!

Scarlett Bitch: lol Clint can’t carve a pumpkin

Hawkeye: shut up -___-

Spidermom: this is so messy

Pointbreak: It is oddly satisfying at the same time though

Irondad: all of you – please stop making a mess

Metal Arm: shit there goes another one

Falcon107: omg that’s like your 4th exploded pumpkin Bucky ahaha

Metal Arm: blame the metal arm

America’s Ass: Tony, we’re carving pumpkins and some of us have super strength which results in exploding pumpkins if we hold them too tightly – I don’t think there’s a not messy way to do this

Spidermom: this is harder than I thought it would be

Irondad: can’t I just buy one that’s ready made? This is taking forever and we’ve only just started. I’m not putting my hands in that to get all that shit out

Hawkeye: lighten up Tony it’s a bit of fun

LittleSpider: you have to mr stark!!! It’s all part of carving pumpkins!!

Falcon107: guys I need help

Spidermom: every man and pumpkin for themselves

Irondad: it’s literally disgusting

Pointbreak: I am enjoying this Midgardian tradition.

America’s Ass: why do you need help Sam

Falcon107: well it was meant to look scary but now it has a monobrow

Metal Arm: xD

Hawkeye: still looks pretty scary to me

America’s Ass: they’re so fiddly oh shit

Falcon107: there goes another pumpkin

LittleSpider: guys look I’ve almost finished !!!! guess who it is

Spidermom: Kid wtf is that

Irondad: I was just going to ask that Romanoff


Hawkeye: OMG YES

Scarlett Bitch: that looks nothing like Jack

Metal Arm: who the fuck is Jack

Spidermom: a guy from a Disney film I think

LittleSpider: great now it’s squished again bc I got annoyed ffs

Irondad: can the people with super strength try to stop exploding the pumpkins everywhere

Metal Arm: we’re trying it’s hard – what number pumpkin are we on @LittleSpider @America’sAss

LittleSpider: I’m on my 8th

America’s Ass: 5th

Metal Arm: 4th

Hawkeye: 3rd

Spidermom: You’re only on your 3rd bc you can’t carve a fucking pumpkin Barton

Hawkeye: wow rude but true

Irondad: all I can see is pumpkin I’m pretty sure after this we’ll need to move

Pointbreak: This is an interesting experience – why are we doing this again?

Metal Arm: ill show you look


Metal Arm: oh shit


Everyone is offline


Chapter Text

**SpiderBros Private Chat**


LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: Auntie nat I NEeD yOU urgEn.tly!

LittleSpider: AUNTIE NAT


Spidermom is online


Spidermom: I have been summoned

LittleSpider: I neeD yOu

Spidermom: You better not be injured Parker

LittleSpider: noTexAcTly and mR . Satrk wont’ ipck uP sO i mESsagEd yOU instaed

Spidermom: That’s because it’s almost 4am.

LittleSpider: iTs An EMeRgENcY

LittleSpider: plaesE help

Spidermom: Where are you

LittleSpider: laB 008

Spidermom: Ok, I’ll be there in three minutes, hang in there Kiddo.


Spidermom is offline


Spidermom is online


Spidermom: Where are you Kid?

LittleSpider: lookUp whEnYou Ccome in

Spidermom: oh for fucks sake Peter.

LittleSpider: rfhqvh43-h51b1 tgouw

LittleSpider: thank you for getting me down. I’ve just had a shower and am going to sleep now x

Spidermom: Right. Now that you’re cleaned up. Do you wanna tell me why you were in the lab by yourself at 4 in the morning and were stuck to the ceiling in blue webbing?

LittleSpider: not really

Spidermom: Peter.

LittleSpider: I wanted to see if blue would work with the webbing but it sort of exploded and I got stuck

Spidermom: and this couldn’t have waited until it wasn’t dark outside?

LittleSpider: I couldn’t sleep, so I thought I’d give it a try

Spidermom: well let this be a reminder for you the next time that you want to experiment with webbing at 4 in the morning

LittleSpider: can’t we pretend it didn’t happen?

Spidermom: Normally I’d say yes, however there is currently a very large pile of blue webbing that is covering lab 008. So someone will notice.

LittleSpider: I’m so sorry I should have waited for Mr Stark, please don’t be mad at me☹

Spidermom: I know you are and yes you should have done. It’s fine. I’m not mad, nobody got hurt and it’ll all be fine – although you’re helping me to clean it up tomorrow before the others wake up. Go to sleep Spiderbaby xo

LittleSpider: Thanks for helping me Auntie Nat<3

Spidermom: Anytime Kid xo


Spidermom is offline

LittleSpider is offline




Spidermom is online

LittleSpider is online


Spidermom: For someone who supposedly has Spider traits, you aren’t very good at hiding.

LittleSpider: how did you find me

Spidermom: I’m basically a master assassin and a spy. I could find pretty much anyone, and also, your feet are sticking out. Tony told me what happened at school – when he got a worried phonecall from your teacher. Kids are mean and you don’t need to feel bad about it. You’re better than the lot of them, especially that asshole Flash

LittleSpider: I don’t want to talk, I told mr Stark that too

Spidermom: I know. That’s why I’m taking you out for icecream. Come down from there and hop in.

LittleSpider: 😊


LittleSpider is offline

Spidermom is offline




Spidermom is online

LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: did you do something to Flash and his friends

Spidermom: no why

LittleSpider: idk he was just really nice to me today and they didn’t beat me up or anything - just feels like you had something to do with it

Spidermom: all I did was threaten to maim them all if they so much as looked at you funny again and I may or may not have slashed all the tyres on their cars

LittleSpider: omg!!!

Spidermom: 😉 no one messes with the #spiderbros

LittleSpider: Thanks Auntie Nat x

Spidermom: <3


LittleSpider is offline

Spidermom is offline




Spidermom is online


LittleSpider: what are you up to I’m so bored and I haven’t seen you in agessss

Spidermom: literally nothing apart from listening to Clint moan about his new shoes giving him blisters. Yeah sorry, I’ve been meaning to pop up to see you – just been so busy with a ton of paperwork for Shield.

LittleSpider: maybe we could watch a film and eat some pizza?

Spidermom: sounds good. I’ve got the key for the Movie room. See you in 5

LittleSpider: can’t wait!!




Spidermom: what’s this film about again

LittleSpider: ummm basically about the love between two different robots – Wall-E is the one who recycles stuff and tries to tidy the planet

Spidermom: who are all those fat people

LittleSpider: the human race in the future

Spidermom: jeez – all that technology and they don’t have a gym?

LittleSpider: just watch it Auntie Nat!

Spidermom: you’re literally sprawled out with your feet over my lap, sticking your tongue out at me and shushing me when I try to speak… you know most people find me scary

LittleSpider: I don’t

Spidermom: why not

LittleSpider: Because I know that you’re secretly really caring

Spidermom: bold statement

LittleSpider: you are!!

Spidermom: only to people I like




Spidermom: I cant believe you chose pineapple on a pizza

LittleSpider: it’s like the best thing

Spidermom: clearly you’ve never tried shrimp on pizza then

LittleSpider: ewwwwww

Spidermom: pft

LittleSpider: as if you’ve never seen this before

LittleSpider: does this mean that you like Wall-E

Spidermom: it’s ok

LittleSpider: you are so invested in their relationship

Spidermom: no I’m not

LittleSpider: you are and you love it, I know you do

Spidermom: it’s ok

LittleSpider: you love this film

LittleSpider: omg are you crying

Spidermom: yeah bc it’s fucking beautiful and I love it ok

LittleSpider: I knew it

Spidermom: whatever

Spidermom is offline

LittleSpider is offline




LittleSpider is online

Spidermom is online


Spidermom: Kid? It’s 3am, why are you up?

LittleSpider: doesn’t matter

Spidermom: Nightmare?

LittleSpider: yeah

Spidermom: wanna come to my floor for a chat?

LittleSpider: it’s ok I don’t want to bother you

Spidermom: You’re never a bother. I’ve actually just made too much hot chocolate and I accidentally put too many marshmallows in them, so you’d be doing me a favour if you came up and drank it with me because I can’t drink all this by myself and Clint’s asleep

LittleSpider: ok, yes please




LittleSpider: thank you so much

Spidermom: anytime Kid. Remember what I said.

Spidermom: You’ve been typing for a while. You ok?

LittleSpider: I’m alright now. Thanks for everything and for always being there for me. I love you Auntie Nat xx

Spidermom: Glad you’re ok. I love you too Kiddo and I’ll always be here for you. Sleep well маленький паук <3 xo


LittleSpider is offline

Spidermom is offline

Chapter Text

Everyone is online


Pepper Potts CEO is offline


Spidermom: so I found out something interesting today. The Kid was all weird about having me sign a slip before he went to school this morning and guess what it was for xD


Spidermom sent pdf of ‘thebirdsandthebeestalkinschoolsignedslip’ to Avengers Group Chat


Irondad: omg ahahaha

Rhodey: no way xD

America’s Ass: is that what I think it is?

Scarlett Bitch: Yep!! Oh I’d rather get shot than have to sit through that #rippeter

Hawkeye: our little Peteypie is growing up *cries*

Metal Arm: hang on what?

Pointbreak: I too, do not understand.

Green Rage Monster: It’s basically the sex talk. Completely natural for his age. Nobody embarrass him!

Falcon107: dude it’s like you don’t know me at all

Spidermom: *sharpens knife*

Falcon107: ok ok ok chill out Widow

Hawkeye: god I am not looking forward for those days with Lila and Coop

Irondad: speaking of, when are you off back to see them?

Hawkeye: in a week – spending Thanksgiving with them. Had so many missions recently and Fury was being an asshole about giving me time off, so I’ve saved up all my days that I’m owed and am spending 2 weeks at Thanksgiving with them

Spidermom: I’ll be there for the last 3 days remember

Hawkeye: how could I forget with Lila constantly messaging me to remind you!

Spidermom: <3


LittleSpider is online


Falcon107: so how was school 😉

Scarlett Bitch: yeah did you learn anything interesting today?!

LittleSpider: omg you know

LittleSpider: nAtAShA!!!!

Spidermom: come on Kid, it’s completely natural. How was it?

LittleSpider: disgusting

Irondad: I’ll bet, do you have any questions?

America’s Ass: woah Tony, that isn’t appropriate

Falcon107: yeah shouldn’t he tell his Aunt??

Irondad: I’m his co-parent so I can ask these things – May signed the paperwork like 3 days ago! I sent an email. JFC. Did no-one ever wonder why he was over here so much?!

Spidermom: I hacked into your pc and found out like a week before

Irondad: of course you did

Falcon107: oh I don’t read your emails, I just thought he liked it round here, right well then that’s fine, but it’s still super embarrassing

Scarlett Bitch: I knew

Hawkeye: same

Metal Arm: I had no idea I don’t go on the internet

Green Rage Monster: I don’t like reading emails

Rhodey: I knew when he signed the papers

Pointbreak: I did not know, signal on Asgard is not good most of the time.

America’s Ass: I also didn’t know that you’re co-parenting – as my laptop broke, in that case, then it’s fine, as long as Peter is alright with it

LittleSpider: very very very not alright no thanks nope

Pointbreak: I think it would be brave of Peter to tell us if he has any queries about his body or that of a womans. Reproduction knowledge is very important.

LittleSpider: omg I want to die

Green Rage Monster: I am technically a trained doctor, so I could give you some medical advice on certain things

Hawkeye: yeah Kid come on, it’s normal! Who better to give you sex advice than the freaking Avengers

LittleSpider: where’s the bleach

Irondad: you don’t have to if you don’t want, but we’re all here if you have any questions

Rhodey: exactly - no judgement here

Scarlett Bitch: it doesn’t have to be about sex – but like have you got a crush on anyone?

LittleSpider: well maybe

Spidermom: spill the tea

LittleSpider: ok so I have a hypothetical question

Spidermom: Is this going to be like the time that ‘your friend’ wanted us to know that they blew up an experiment in the lab and it was you?

LittleSpider: no…

Spidermom: sure

Irondad: go on then

LittleSpider: so my friend likes this girl

Hawkeye: lmao

Spidermom: what’s her name

LittleSpider: MJ – well, everyone calls her that, her real name is Michelle

Falcon107: and do you want to go out with her

LittleSpider: no not me remember it’s my friend…MY FRIEND

America’s Ass: what’s your friends name

Scarlett Bitch: ahahaha

Irondad: Kid we all know it’s you, it’s fine

LittleSpider: actually my friends name is Bob Spencer and he’s v popular and everyone loves him and he fancies MJ so what does he do

Green Rage Monster: If it was me, I’d take her on a date, someplace she likes

America’s Ass: ^

Metal Arm: ^

Pointbreak: I would take her to see me in battle and then I would duel the biggest creature that I could find, for her hand.

Hawkeye: ^ I mean don’t do that

LittleSpider: I’ll tell BOB not to do that

Irondad: dont listen to the grandpa’s – give her a kiss and take her for some drinks

Spidermom: ok 2 things – 1.) Hes a 16 year old Tony and 2.) Bob Spencer isn’t enrolled at Midtown – jigs up Kiddo

LittleSpider: AUNTIE NAT

Scarlett Bitch: Don’t be embarrassed Pete, just tell MJ how you feel x

Rhodey: yeah I agree with Wanda

Irondad: my idea was better but that sounds good too

Spidermom: don’t forget to make it special – take her for a coffee or something

LittleSpider: ok ok ok I’ll tell her tomorrow in the cafeteria after school…thanks guys<3

Irondad: let us know how it goes

LittleSpider: ofc although I’m pretty sure natasha will be watching through a laptop or something

Hawkeye: lmao she’s already got the surveillance cameras set up with full audio in the movie room for tomorrow xD

Spidermom: #sorrynotsorry

LittleSpider: what even is my life anymore -___- thanks for all the advice everyone and ofc I’ll tell you how it goes, unless Nat tells you first lol


Everyone is offline

Chapter Text

Irondad is online

America’s Ass is online

Hawkeye is online

Green Rage Monster is online

Metal Arm is online

Spidermom is online

Scarlett Bitch is online

Falcon107 is online

LittleSpider is online


Hawkeye: Cap you’ve got incoming from the north

Irondad: Kid stop talking to the enemy

America’s Ass: Got it thanks Clint - Nat what’s your status

Spidermom: bored and single

America’s Ass: I meant on the field fgs

Green Rage Monster: are we code green yet

Irondad: no but probably soon bc we’re getting out numbered

LittleSpider: omg Mr Stark I love this voice to text thingy on the chat it’s so useful, can I use this all the time because sometimes my hands get tired and this way I can just talk instead of typing andOMG LOOK OUT MR WILSON

Falcon107: huqi9v 0htuhi0jn1b rqfv

Metal Arm: did Peter just swing directly into Sam

Irondad: possibly – didn’t you see?

Metal Arm: no im playing candy crush – almost on level 792

Scarlett Bitch: Bucky dealing with the real issues haha

Spidermom: Right – where the fuck is everyone – not all of us can fly

America’s Ass: just make your way to the fourth bunker

Hawkeye: there’s too many of them Cap we need a plan asap

Green Rage Monster: code green?

Spidermom: yes


Green Rage Monster is offline


America’s Ass: bucky stop playing candy crush before I smash your phone

Metal Arm: bite me Steve

Falcon107: oooo marriage problems


Hawkeye: either that or a giant green blob

Scarlett Bitch: damn it Natasha I was about to get those soldiers

Spidermom: snooze you lose

LittleSpider: um mr stark I have a question – why are all those solider people trying to kill us? Can’t we just talk about it?!

Irondad: kid we’ve been through this – they’re the bad guys and they have guns – they don’t want to talk, that’s it

Falcon107: whose idea was it for the kid to come along

Spidermom: he needs experience and he’s doing well in his training sessions, so we all agreed it was a good time for him to come with us

Metal Arm: god that was close

LittleSpider: thanks Auntie Nat!!

Hawkeye: haha look at Banner tearing apart those motorbikes – poor bastards never had a chance

America’s Ass: Bucky and Natasha - what’s your position

LittleSpider: urgh not again SHIT bfwho qfov a

America’s Ass: Buck?

Spidermom: im inside top floor 2nd window

Falcon107: I’ll be there in a minute Nat

Irondad: Pete you ok? I’m tracking your position

America’s Ass: Bucky???????!

Metal Arm: hang the fuck on Steve

Scarlett Bitch: you know when you said there’d be a lot of hydra agents? @America’sAss

America’s Ass: yes

Scarlett Bitch: didn’t think you’d mean this many

Irondad: can you all shut up and focus on the problem at hand

Spidermom: which is what

Irondad: the fact that the Kid is stuck in a fucking tree

Hawkeye: not again!

Scarlett Bitch: omg no way this is comedic gold

Falcon107: wait whats going on?

Spidermom: why is Peter stuck in a tree

Irondad: we’re working on his timings when he swings too fast, looks like we need more sessions on it

America’s Ass: Tony hurry up and get Peter out of the tree and get over here NOW

Irondad: nah just thought I’d pop off for a starbucks – what the fuck do you think im doing Steve? He’s really stuck here – both in his webbing and the tree and there’s fucking Hydra soldiers trying to kill us both

Spidermom: im on it send me your co-ordinates

Irondad: by the big fucking tree where the Kid is dangling from

Spidermom: can you be a bit more specific

Irondad: urrrrrmmm – third quadrant near the black gate, left side

Metal Arm: can I send a game request to someone so I can get an extra 3 lives on candy crush

Falcon107: dude what the fuck

LittleSpider: Thanks Auntie Nat!!!!

Irondad: oh thank god Nat – what a queen

Spidermom: tell me something I don’t know – don’t get stuck in a tree again Kid ok

Hawkeye: lmao

LittleSpider: don’t worry I wont!

Metal Arm: hellooooo who can I send a game request to

Scarlett Bitch: me - hang0n Bucky

Irondad: Bucky if you’re playing candy crush on a mission again I’m going to lose my shit


America’s Ass: absolutely not.


LittleSpider: by accident!!!

Spidermom: No.

LittleSpider: ok ok ok!

Irondad: why do you listen to Nat and not me

LittleSpider: bc she kinda scares me sometimes

Spidermom: Good answer Kid

Irondad: and I don’t?!

LittleSpider: not really – Nat is a scary lady

Irondad: I’M IRONMAN?!

LittleSpider: yeah but Nat is the Black Widow and can kill people with her thighs

Scarlett Bitch: big m00d

Falcon107: true

Hawkeye: so true

America’s Ass: can we please focus on the problem at hand

Irondad: what problem is that Capsicle? The fact that I’m apparently not scary at all or the fact that the enemy now has three helicopters shooting at us

America’s Ass: take a wild guess

Irondad: well I’m pretty sure that I am scary sometimes – like when I’m Ironman obviously but apparently I’m not so I’m feeling kind of sad

Falcon107: gonna take a guess at the helicopters Steve

America’s Ass: fgs Tony – everyone can be scary sometimes, now everyone stop talking, Peter stop swinging on the tree branch, Bucky stop playing Candy Crush and let’s get this done!!!! AVENGERS

America’s Ass: Assemble

Spidermom: jeez – 10 years I’ve had to put up with this shit

Chapter Text

**IrondadIronspider private chat **



Irondad is online


Irondad: Hi Kid – are you coming over tonight after school?


LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: that’s a big fat yes from me

Irondad: Cool. Don’t forget to text Aunt Hottie

LittleSpider: eww and I will do

Irondad: you will text her or you’ll forget to?

LittleSpider: probably forget

Irondad: do it now then?

LittleSpider: that’s a good point

Irondad: jfc


Irondad is offline


LittleSpider: MR STARK




Irondad is online


Irondad: If you’re stuck somewhere or injured then im going to be pissed

LittleSpider: not exactly

Irondad: explain

LittleSpider: I need a show and tell project and idk what to bring

Irondad: are you shitting me

Irondad: how is that a level 10 emergency

LittleSpider: bc I forgot about it and it’s due tomorrow…

Irondad: jc kid

LittleSpider: plsplsplsplspls HELP

Irondad: you can bring Clint in – he’s free tomorrow

LittleSpider: nooooo it has to be something that people actually want to see

Irondad: lmao I just told him and he said to watch your back later lol

LittleSpider: *hides* omgomgomg im so stReSSSeD

Irondad: chill out Kid – we’ll make something when you come over tonight

LittleSpider: omg really?!!?!?!?!? thanks mr stark!

Irondad: no worries kiddo – see you later on


LittleSpider is offline

Irondad is offline




LittleSpider is online


LittleSpider: mRsatkr iNeef u

LittleSpider: pls HelPem


Irondad is online


Irondad: Fuck. I’m tracking you Kid. Hang on.

LittleSpider: hurrrRyPls

Irondad: I’m on my way. Don’t move. Hang in there kiddo x




Irondad: I still cant believe you managed to swing around NY with 7 bullets in you

LittleSpider: ikr – it felt so weird


LittleSpider: weird like it hurt obvs but my healing was working so it kind of tickled too

Irondad: you’re going to be the death of me

LittleSpider: but you love me

Irondad: sure

LittleSpider: thanks for patching me up and stuff

Irondad: ‘stuff’ which was carrying you down from the Manhattan bridge bc you were dangling off it – absolutely puking your guts out

LittleSpider: that’s what the stuff was!!!

Irondad: -____-

LittleSpider: :D


Irondad is offline

LittleSpider is offline



Irondad is online

LittleSpider is online


Irondad: tell me it wasn’t you who cleaned the lab

LittleSpider: I must not tell lies mr stark

Irondad: betrayal of the highest kind

LittleSpider: it was so messy tho and now you can actually find things

Irondad: it was an organised mess MY organised mess

LittleSpider: Dum-E likes it now he can roll around more

Irondad: do not talk to me about that piece of metal – still haven’t forgiven him for throwing a spanner at my head last week

LittleSpider: it was funny tho

Irondad: it fucking wasn’t – im so annoyed peter

LittleSpider: the lab needed cleaning it was so messy and I organised it all for you

Irondad: actually want to throw up

Irondad: it’s too clean and what is that white tiled shit

LittleSpider: the floor???

Irondad: what happened to the black floor

LittleSpider: I cleaned the grease and dust off it and then it turned white xD

Irondad: god why do bad things happen to good people

LittleSpider: if you think that’s bad then don’t look in the cupboards :/ remember I care about you and your health!!!


LittleSpider is offline


Irondad: what is he on about

Irondad: OH FUCK NO

Irondad: WHERE IS IT



Irondad: oh its ok I found it

Irondad: what the fuck is this

Irondad: DECAF???



Irondad is offline




LittleSpider is online

Irondad is online

Irondad: why are you up Kid?

LittleSpider: im trying to sleep

Irondad: well Friday has just told me that you’re not

LittleSpider: tattletale Friday

LittleSpider: I have a Spanish test due tomorrow and I have loads to do

Irondad: Pete its 3am and youre up for school in 3 hours

LittleSpider: crap how is it tomorrow already

Irondad: you’re getting as bad as me with sleep habits Kid

LittleSpider: #yolo

Irondad: go to sleep kid

LittleSpider: noooooo I actually cant bc I have so much to do still

Irondad: well I actually am going to take it all off you so you have to sleep

LittleSpider: noooooooooooo

Irondad: Yes

LittleSpider: I cant believe you just came into my room and took all my work and my laptop off me

Irondad: believe it Kid

LittleSpider: guess im going to bed then

LittleSpider: night mr stark

Irondad: night kid x

LittleSpider: 😊


LittleSpider is offline

Irondad is offline

Chapter Text


Everyone is online



Irondad: Kid, it’s 12.01am – go the fuck to sleep

Scarlett Bitch: Happy Christmas!!!!


Irondad: not if you’re asleep he isn’t

LittleSpider: :OOOOOO

Metal Arm: hang on is it Christmas?

Spidermom: Yes… why do you think the Kid has been counting the days and the fact that we have a giant Christmas tree in the living room that the Kid helped Tony to decorate?

Metal Arm: I knew it was soon, but I didn’t realise it was like now soon… I forgot to buy presents after what happened last week

America’s Ass: Bucky – you said you had it sorted?

Falcon107: oh this’ll be good


Rhodey: YESSS

Green Rage Monster: Merry Christmas Peter. See you in the morning.

LittleSpider: :DDDD

Irondad: you don’t sound very Christmasy Brucie

Green Rage Monster: Maybe as it is currently 12:06am and I was trying to sleep, after having not slept for the past 56 hours – because of a science experiment you persuaded me to do


Green Rage Monster is offline


Irondad: wow ok


Spidermom: lol what was it Tony

Irondad: building a 3D replica of something for the Kid obvs

Spidermom: Obvs

LittleSpider: omg really? What is it!?!?!?!

Irondad: shush the adults are talking – you’ll find out in approx 6 hours – if you ever go to bed

LittleSpider: ok ok ok im going!!!!


LittleSpider is offline


Falcon107: @MetalArm so how come you aren’t sorted for Christmas?

Metal Arm: well I bought stuff for everyone – but then Friday wouldn’t let me bring them in

Spidermom: them?

America’s Ass: No you didn’t. I thought you were joking.

Metal Arm: well I thought I shouldn’t because I couldn’t, but then I thought why not they’re cute so I did


Spidermom: ^

Falcon107: ^

Hawkeye: ^

Scarlett Bitch: ^

Rhodey: ^

America’s Ass: We walked past a pet shop and he wanted to buy everyone a hamster each but he didn’t and then he went back out – apparently to do the grocery shop

Scarlett Bitch: oh fgs

Rhodey: hell no

Hawkeye: cute!!!!

Spidermom: hang on – aren’t Tony and Sam allergic to short hair?

Falcon107: how do you know that

Spidermom: because unlike you all – I actually read all your case files

America’s Ass: that’s why Friday wouldn’t let you bring them in obviously Bucky

Metal Arm: yeah she was like it’s all confidential blah blah blah… anyway, so then I had to go back again and now you all have no present bc I forgot to get you something else – so happy Christmas

Irondad: fucked it mate

Metal Arm: where’s open on Christmas Day at 12.11am

Hawkeye: mcdonalds

Spidermom: he means a shop doofus

Hawkeye: oh ok then idk

Falcon107: gas station on 7th is open

Metal Arm: ok thanks


Metal Arm is offline


Irondad: Cap go with him and make sure we get decent shit please

Rhodey: Tones Christmas isn’t about presents!

Hawkeye: it’s not, but I’d rather get a bottle of deodorant than a toilet paper seat cover

Irondad: ^ mood

Rhodey: fairs

America’s Ass: it’s the thought that counts, but I’m concerned too so ill go


America’s Ass is offline


Irondad: legend

Hawkeye: god im so excited for tomorrow – well today

Spidermom: can you all shut up and actually go to sleep so I can get tomorrow over with

Scarlett Bitch: it’ll be fab!!!!

Irondad: yeah get into the Christmas spirit nat


Spidermom is offline


Irondad: bet she’s gone to decorate her room

Hawkeye: ofc


Everyone is offline


Everyone is online

LittleSpider is offline


Falcon107: is anyone gonna break it to the Kid that Wanda and Steve have just burnt the turkey

Irondad: I’m slightly precoccupied trying to prevent the Kid from getting diabetes bc he wants to eat all his Christmas chocolate in one go

Spidermom: who in the fuck bought me this

Hawkeye: love u Tashaaaaa

Metal Arm: I’d run if I was you – she has that crazed look in her eye

Green Rage Monster: what did you get Nat?

Spidermom: I cant even

Hawkeye: it’s not that bad!!!

Irondad: is that … 17 pairs of stripy socks?

Hawkeye: yeah good idea huh

Spidermom: Wow, I wish I’d bought you another set of expensive hearing aids and a flight so you can see your family in a few days

America’s Ass: okay we managed to salvage the turkey and also Natasha!!!! Christmas is about giving not expensive presents!

Spidermom: yeah I know – but he bought me 17 pairs of socks Steve – I have to draw the line

Irondad: oh god the Kid found my secret stash of candy canes

Scarlett Bitch: no more food until Christmas dinner!!!

Irondad: try telling the Kid that!


LittleSpider is online


Spidermom: Barton I can’t believe you bought me socks

Hawkeye: the socks are meant to symbolise one for every mission that me and you have been on together without any injuries!

Hawkeye: look at all their labels Nat

LittleSpider: ExCuSE mE Mr STaRk

Rhodey: haven’t you guys been on like hundreds of missions together

Hawkeye: yeah?

Rhodey: and there’s only 17 that you came out of uninjured?!

Irondad: Kid you’ve eaten like half a sweet shop -____-

Spidermom: hang on, are these from everywhere we’ve been, on each mission we weren’t injured on? Aw that’s sweet! Thanks Clint:D

Falcon107: we’re having mash with Christmas dinner right?

Irondad: no we’re having roast potatoes with my special sauce from Germany

Green Rage Monster: thought we were having boiled ones?

Metal Arm: mine and Steve’s mum always made mash with peas …

LittleSpider: I’m fine with whatever:D

Spidermom: I wanted baby new potatoes

Hawkeye: ew what about carrot mash?


Irondad: exactly – let wanda go and cook the roast potatoes

Scarlett Bitch: Stark. I volunteered to cook, to help you lot – im not cooking 5 different types of potatoes and 2 different types of carrot

America’s Ass: that’s fair. So what potatoes are we having?

Hawkeye: none!!! I want carrot mash

Scarlett Bitch: then go out and buy some – we’re having normal roast potatoes and everything is basically ready so come in here and sit down bitches




Irondad: you have to

Hawkeye: fuck off no I don’t

America’s Ass: we all have – even Peter!!

Hawkeye: I’d rather stick a fork in my eye

Irondad: come on Legolas

Green Rage Monster: I hate it and I did it! You’re letting the team down Clint

Spidermom: do it

America’s Ass: here it isn’t even a big one

Irondad: omg he’s done it!!!

Falcon107: didn’t know he could make a sound that high

Hawkeye: that was DiSgUsTINg why did we all have to do that

Irondad: it’s an old tradition my family had – and apparently Steve and Barnes had similar ones too

LittleSpider: sprouts are like little green balls of evil

Scarlett Bitch: true

Rhodey: I wanted the pink hat :/

Spidermom: snooze you lose

Irondad: Pepper would definitely have that if she was here

LittleSpider: cant believe shes working on Christmas ☹

Irondad: I know – don’t worry, we had our little Christmas day last week

Scarlett Bitch: Clint fuck off

America’s Ass: what now

Scarlett Bitch: he keeps nicking all my parsnips

Hawkeye: BXipvgw[rhvof[9    ggb4uwup;

Scarlett Bitch: thanks Nat

Spidermom: np

Falcon107: someone shoot me

Irondad: no weapons at the table

Spidermom: do knives count

Irondad: yes apart from normal cutlery

Metal Arm: whats up Sam

Falcon107: the kid is telling the crappiest jokes

LittleSpider: its’ all part of Christmas!!!! What do you call a penguin’s hat?

Hawkeye: no idea

LittleSpider: an ice cap!!!

Spidermom: … okay on another note – who can I swap my mini bag of marbles with

Scarlett Bitch: I’ve got a mini pack of cards?

Spidermom: ah cool thanks

America’s Ass: this is definitely the best Christmas I’ve ever had.

Irondad: yeah I can even look past Barnes buying us all toiletries from the garage

Metal Arm: youre welcomeeee


Chapter Text


Everyone is online



Spidermom: we all know @hawkeye

LittleSpider: I saw him

Pepper Potts CEO: I did too

Metal Arm: yep he did

Scarlett Bitch: he also ate the rest of the cashew nuts

Hawkeye: wow ok thanks for exposing me guys

Green Rage Monster: -___-

Irondad: don’t worry I’ll get Friday to order some more

America’s Ass: so on another note, what are everyone’s new years resolutions?

Spidermom: to give up, drink

America’s Ass: wow, that’s a really positive one Nat

Hawkeye: I don’t think she meant it like that

Spidermom: no, I meant to give up and then to drink – you know me so well Clint

America’s Ass: jfc anyone else?

LittleSpider: to swim the atlantic

Irondad: what the fuck is wrong with you

Pepper Potts CEO: Tony.

America’s Ass: That’s a lovely resolution Peter

LittleSpider: thanks Mr Captain America Steve Rogers Sir!! I’ve been practising my swimming!!! :P to mr stark

Metal Arm: To learn how to bake anything else than cookies

Spidermom: loooool

Irondad: to continue being the 21st century version of a genius godlike figure…oops already achieved that :D

America’s Ass: ffs

Scarlett Bitch: My resolution is to focus more on self care

America’s Ass: that’s a good one Wanda – thank you for taking it seriously.

Scarlett Bitch: I didn’t finish … to focus more on self care, by drinking away my problems

Green Rage Monster: feel like you and Nat might need to have an alcohol detox

Spidermom: fuck off Bruce, it’s a celebration of a new year

Green Rage Monster: :O My resolution is to keep experimenting and try to create a real life delorean

LittleSpider: omg THAT’S EPIC

Falcon107: im not really into all this resolution shit – I’m just going to try and help as many people as I can

Spidermom: I need help rn Wilson

Falcon107: no im not passing you the gin bottle piss off

Hawkeye: tbh she literally never drinks and the mission today was pretty traumatic

Spidermom: someone pass me the gin I cba getting up

Irondad: what happened???

Spidermom: I don’t want to talk about it

Ironman: ok

Spidermom: if someone doesn’t pass me the gin I’m going to flip the fuck out

Hawkeye: I got u Tasha

America’s Ass: My resolution, is to make sure that I make time for myself, amongst all the chaos of our job and like Sam, try to help a lot of people

LittleSpider: omg is Nat crying

Spidermom: no it’s the gin

Irondad: kid she’s giving you a dangerous look – talk about something else

Pepper Potts CEO: Everyone leave Natasha alone. She’s had a difficult day.

Spidermom: cheers Pepper

Pepper Potts CEO: Np. My resolution is to get Tony on a regular sleep schedule

Irondad: LOL good luck with that – Legolas, what’s yours

Hawkeye: to find a new hobby

Spidermom: what happened to learning the piano

Rhodey: this’ll be good

Metal Arm: he broke it

Irondad: I know that you are not referring to the expensive piano that is in the hallway

Hawkeye: ofc not… the one in the music room

Falcon107: how

Scarlett Bitch: why

Metal Arm: I found him playing chopsticks v badly and the window was open. Mr Whiskers came in and dumped a dead bird into the top of the piano – as it was open… so it fell inside and Clint almost had a heart attack

Hawkeye: my playing wasn’t that bad was it?!

Metal Arm: it was worse

Irondad: jfc

Spidermom: Shut up Tony you’re a billionaire and the cat is cute

Irondad: not the point

America’s Ass: more to the point, how didn’t you know, Tony?!

Scarlett Bitch: I literally cant with this chat

Green Rage Monster: I try to stay out of this chat, but my phone is currently having a seizure

Irondad: I’ve been busy with meetings and shit

Rhodey: hopping on the band wagon late – my resolution is to continue to be awesome and to learn how to motorcycle bc Natasha looks sick af when she’s driving one

Spidermom: I’ll teach u

Rhodey: :D

America’s Ass: Here we go

Hawkeye: 10

Irondad: 9

LittleSpider: 8

Green Rage Monster: 7

Scarlett Bitch: 6

Rhodey: 5

Metal Arm: 4

Falcon107: 3

Pepper Potts CEO: 2

Spidermom: 1

LittleSpider: HAPPY NEW YEAR

Falcon107: Happy new year guys

America’s Ass: Happy New Year!

Hawkeye: happy 2020!!!!


Rhodey: happy new year

Spidermom: Happy new year xo


Green Rage Monster: Hope 2020 is the best for everyone

Metal Arm: happy new year😊

Pepper Potts CEO: Happy new year<3


Everyone is offline

Chapter Text

LittleSpider is online

Hawkeye is online

Falcon107 is online

Metal Arm is online


Hawkeye: this is the best idea ever

Metal Arm: I agree. Just want to say that I’m honoured I’m involved in this tbh

Hawkeye: what can I say apart from I’m a genius

LittleSpider: im kind of scared tho – what if she catches us

Falcon107: duddddeeeees this is going to be epic and don’t worry Kid – she won’t

Hawkeye: yeah this is why we have a plan – so we don’t get caught obvs

Metal Arm: ^

Hawkeye: is everyone in position

LittleSpider: yeeeessss

Falcon107: yep

Metal Arm: I am.

Hawkeye: oooo that sounded ominous Bucky – good job, getting into the role already :D

Metal Arm: … let’s just start

LittleSpider: no we have to wait for the signal!

Falcon107: is that the signal – who the fuck came up with that as a signal?!

Metal Arm: tbh it sounded like a dying whale

Hawkeye: what are you on about!!! It’s an owl sound :/

LittleSpider: we’re trying not to be caught!

Metal Arm: I’m on the move

Hawkeye: it was very a subtle owl

Falcon107: yeah Barton that was totally inconspicuous, she wont suspect a thing -__-

Metal Arm: okay I’m in the living room with the target – GO PETER

LittleSpider: on it like a car bonnet

Falcon107: im impressed the plan is actually working

Hawkeye: I always knew it would, but its nice to see it actually working too

Metal Arm: Kid’s been a while on operation distraction 2

LittleSpider: slight problem… Mr Stark saw me and he wants some coffee

Hawkeye: what?! We’re in the middle of taking the loot

Metal Arm: oh fuck, she's seen you on the roof Peter - she knows – SHE’S COMING

Falcon107: shittttttt she's seen us





Spidermom is online


Spidermom: nice try losers, but you can’t get anything past me. I knew from Barton’s lame whale attempt what you were up to. Just wanted to see how it played out.

Hawkeye: it was an owl -___-

Metal Arm: how did you know though?!

Spidermom: well firstly the weird af whale call and also I saw Peter climbing on the ceiling into the kitchen

Hawkeye: :/

LittleSpider: sorry Auntie Nat! We just love your baking and it smelt so good

Falcon107: damnit kid

Spidermom: Wilson your attempt as sneaking behind me is laughable btw

Metal Arm: yeah you hardly ever bake Tasha and when you do it’s like amazing

Falcon107: can we have one please???

Spidermom: Fine, but you’re on clean up duty.


Spidermom is offline


Falcon107: so much for not getting caught Barton

Metal Arm: ^^^

Hawkeye: well it could have gone better, but at least we get to eat some!

LittleSpider: guys what are you waiting for - PACZKI!!!!!!