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Crucesignates Astribus et Pulvis

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Your dreams had been getting strange, with voices yelling far in the distance. You strained to hear them but the words evaded you. One voice stood out to you, its accent making your ears hurt. Was it Russian? No, German. Some one else was saying something, his voice triumphant and a third, overly British voice was screaming in pain. You gritted your teeth and rolled over, trying to block out the dreadful noise. “The red stone!” One voice cried in surprise. “yes, the red stone amplifies Hamon!” There was a rumbling noise and with a resounding boom, the volcano above you erupted. You woke with a gasp as the stone room around you began to cave in. You scrambled your way out, narrowly avoiding the lava that flowed freely, glowing a brilliant orange. It had been 100 years since you had seen the sky or felt the wind on your skin but you had no time to appreciate it. As you slithered under shelter from the chaos outside, you felt your stomach rumble. It had been a long time since you had eaten. You were ready to feast.

You had been awake for 50 years now. Your hunger was still so very far from satisfied. Things had certainly changed since you had gone to sleep all those 150 years ago. The buildings, clothes and technology was so different. The only thing that hadn’t changed was the people. But this was something new, you thought, as you watched two guys fighting up ahead. Except they weren’t the ones doing the fighting. Instead they simply directed these strange ghost like figures to fight for them. You licked your lips, wondering how a person with that sort of power might taste. Perhaps they might fill you more than usual. The fight ended and you watched the tall, dark haired one walk away, hands in his pockets. “Good grief,” said Jotaro, watching you walk towards him. He hated girls, they were so annoying. You smiled, your hair shining in the late afternoon sun. He looked at you, taking in your diminutive figure. “Hi,” you said. He merely grunted in your direction and your smile dipped momentarily. “I just wanted to ask you about that thing you were using to fight. It seems awfully powerful.” His eyes widened and he stepped back. “So you’re a stand user too?” “A what? I don’t think so.” Shit he might be onto me. I might have to learn about these stand things later. “Star Plat-“ you cut him off by pressing your lips against his. Your many toothed maw grinned as he quickly pulled away. You unhinged your jaw. “What the fu-“ you swallowed him whole.

Kakyoin had been looking for Jotaro for almost an hour. He had walked off earlier, saying something about food and Kakyoin had quickly got bored of waiting for him. He crossed the park, searching for his friend. A few metres away, you sat in the shade, digesting your meal. You watched Kakyoin pull a cherry out of his pocket and pop it into his mouth. He started to roll it around on his tounge and you licked your lips, an idea forming in your head. He saw you out of the corner of his eye and turned to face you. The cherry fell from his mouth and you caught it, smiling. “Have you seen my friend? He’s super tall, super buff and wears a black hat that blends in with his hair.” He said. “Oh yes I have, would you like me to show you where he is?” Kakyoin nodded. You took his hand and dragged him into the shade. You quickly unhinged your jaw and ate Kakyoin, rolling his right eyeball on your tongue. “Rerorerorerorerorero-“

Everything was going wrong for Polraneff. First he’d dropped his croissant, then he’d been yelled at for losing both Jotaro and Kakyoin, and now he was hopelessly lost looking for them. Meanwhile you were crawling your way through the twisting narrow streets, your body clicking and crunching as your bones reassembled themselves. It always took it out of you, eating humans. Kakyoin, while not as beefy as Jotaro, had been quite filling, but your stomach was now growling in hunger. Up ahead you saw a man with strange silver hair. You dragged yourself to your feet and approached him. “Hello there!” You said, grinning widely. “Ah bonjour mademoiselle.” He replied. “I don’t suppose you know anything about Stands?” You asked. He paused, but nodded. “Oui, but how did you ever hear about it? Unless Dio is now recruiting pretty girls like you.” Your cheeks flared red but inside you were groaning in agony. This guy’s an idiot, I cant wait until I get to eat him. “I have no idea who Dio is, and I certainly don’t work for him. You seem knowledgeable about stands though, do you have one?” He laughed. “Bien sûr, of course! Silver Chariot!” His stand appeared, its sword shining in the sun. Excellent.These stand users are very delicious. You quickly grabbed him, before he even realised you had moved, and ate him. As you cleaned your teeth you could smell something. It reminded you of horses somehow. Oh well. You could investigate it later.

You could feel him coming long before you saw him. That was because he was riding an elephant and boy do those things make an impact on the ground. Why did he even have an elephant? He was a cowboy for heavens sake. “Well howdy there ma’am!” You ignored him and kept walking. You only had so much space in your stomach and you had to save it for those stand users. “Hey now come back! I just wanted to ask you something.” He called after you. You sighed and stopped. He climbed down from his elephant (why does he have one??) and doffed his hat. “The names Hol Horse.” “Charmed I’m sure.” “Wanna see something cool?” He said, a gun appearing in his hand. A stand! Brilliant! You watched the Cowboy fire two shots and in the distance you saw two cans fall off a fence. “My that is very impressive! But I can do something cooler.” You said, smirking slightly. You cracked your neck and unhinged your jaw to its full capacity. This is probably gonna be the hardest thing I’ve done in a while but here we go. Your tongue flicked out and dragged the entire elephant into your mouth. Hol Horse screeched and started to run. There was a horrible crunch as the elephant compressed and flattened but my god it was delicious. Now for Hol Horse. Your tongue reached out again and latched onto his ankle. He fired desperately at you but you swallowed the bullets too. Soon you had eaten him too and you dragged yourself into a manhole to fully recover. That’s the last time I’m going to eat an elephant, holy crap that was exhausting.

“Come get some delicious Kebabs! Get 3 for the price of 4! Wait no- 4 for the price of 3!” Your ears perked up. While your diet was mostly humans, you did love a good kebab. And the ones ahead looked particularly delicious. You approached the stand, fishing through your pockets for some money. “Hey there doll, you looking for some kebabs?” “Yes please! I’ll take 3.” “For the same price you can get 4, its a special deal for today and today only!” The shop attendant said cheerfully. You nodded and handed your money over. He handed you your food and you quickly scarfed one down. “This is delicious! Why Mr...” “Steely Dan” “Mr Steely Dan these are wonderful! How long have you been working here?” “Not long. Like a day. I’m actually here to kill Joseph Joestar and his friends. Oh shit I probably shouldn’t have told you that.” Joseph Joestar? Now that name sounded familiar. If we here to kill people though... maybe this Steely Dan was a stand user. All the others seemed to be murderers. Well there was only one way to find out. “Tell me Steely Dan are you a stand user?” He paused and stared at you in surprise. “uhhhh noooooo... what gave you that idea...?” You rolled your eyes and ate him. Honestly you were a bit disappointed. His kebabs were much better. Speaking of which, you still had 3 left. Excellent.

Avdol and Iggy were walking through the barren streets, searching for Mr Joestar. He had disappeared and, considering how Jotaro, Kakyoin and Polraneff were all missing, it was important that they found him. You sat at a bench a few meters away, watching them carefully. You knew that the human was a stand user and you were pretty sure that the dog was one too. Your stomach was starting to feel kinda full and you found yourself hoping that you wouldn’t have to eat these two. You reached into your pocket and grabbed a stick of gum. It was coffee flavour, you favourite. The instant you unwrapped it, the dog was barking wildly at you. “Hey stay away from my gum! Stupid dog!” You cried as it jumped at you. Your instinct took over and you swallowed him whole. Avdol gasped in horror at what he had just seen. “MAGICIANS RED!” You turned in alarm at the stand that had just appeared. It was the strangest (and ugliest) thing you had ever seen and that was saying something. Flames erupted around and you were blown back. Shit I’m not prepared for a fight. The last time I was in battle was against Kars over 100,000 years ago and we all know how that went. You cracked your neck and clicked your jaw, letting it stretch to its full capacity. Your nails lengthened and sharpened into metre long talons. Avdol screamed. “What the hell are you?!” He cried. You laughed and dodged another blast of fire. However you quickly realised a big problem. No matter how long you could dodge and weave, it was going to be hard to get close enough to swallow him. How edible is a stand? If you could eat that red- rooster rip off then that would solve all your problems. Well it was certainly worth a shot. You waited until he had let off another explosion of flames and pounced. While you couldn’t really ‘eat’ the stand, you could certainly contain it. Avdol gulped loudly and turned wildly searching for help. You bounded towards him, waiting for the perfect moment. Seconds before you reached him, Joseph turned the corner and saw you let Magicians Red leave your mouth and swallow Avdol. You hit the ground with a thud, absolutely exhausted. You dragged yourself to your feet and started to run in the opposite direction. You had no intention of getting into another fight. Not for a while. You had to get out of this town before you got tracked down by that old man.

You were so close to escaping from this stupid town. It taken you a lot longer than you would have liked to escape from Joseph and now you were hiding in a bush, waiting until nightfall so you could catch the first bus out of here. Unfortunately for you things didn’t go quite to plan. You climbed out of the bush and walked straight into a man wearing the dumbest looking hat you had ever seen. Actually now that you looked at it, you weren’t sure whether it was hair or a hat. Kinda like that Jotaro guy. (Sorry I got distracted. But like seriously is Telence D’Arby wearing a green hat or is it his hair I’m so confused someone pls help. Anyway back to the story) You apologised quickly and brushed past. He grabbed your arm and pulled you back. “Do you wanna play video games? I reckon I could beat you!” “what the hell? No?” You replied. I don’t have time for this I have to get out before I get caught. You ate the gamer with a quick unhinging of your jaw. You cursed as another man popped out from behind a tree. He looked very similar to green hat/hair guy and you groaned loudly. Why were there always so many witnesses. Maybe you should stop eating people, that would fix your problem you thought. “How long will it take for you to completely digest my brother? I bet 6 hours.” “what?” “Daniel J D’Arby at your service.” The man said, offering his hand. “What do you want?” “I want to take a gamble, make a bet, you know how it is. Now how about you kindly refrain from eating me and take a seat.” You paused awkwardly, but put your jaw back into place and sat down. “So like I said before, I bet that it will take 6 hours for you to digest my brother.” What an idiot. Everyone knows that it takes me around 3 hours to digest a person depending on their size, how long their hair is and whether or not I like them. Of course if they have a blade on them that can shorten the process if they cut their way out. Like that time Kars did that, jesus christ that was something. But you decided to humour this D’Arby. “Ok fine. And if you win this bet what do you get?” “I get your soul!” He cried revealing a book full of souls kept in poker chips of all things. “Sounds awfully dramatic but sure. And if I win, I get to eat you.” He gulped slightly but nodded. You both sat awkwardly for a moment before he said “Do you want to play cards or something while we wait?” “Sure.” After a dozen rounds of Uno, you got bored and quietly unhinged your jaw again. “Hey Mr D’Arby, I have some news for you. Your brother has been completely digested so like...” “What! How!” “Cause I’m not a human and I have a different digestive system.” “Oh.” You swallowed him whole.

Your stomach was starting to hurt like hell. To be fair, you had just eaten 9 stand users and an elephant in a week, compared to your usual 1 regular human. Last time you felt like this was after your big feast which was the whole reason you’d been sleeping under that volcano. You needed a good long nap. Unfortunately life doesn’t always work like that. You hadn’t even taken a step before you saw someone walking towards you. Every thing about his appearance annoyed you, from his slicked back hair to his lack of a shirt. “Hey you there! Are you the girl who’s been going around and eating people?” Not again! All I want is to go and sleep why does the world hate me holy crap please- “Yeah I am, now scram before I eat you too.” “Oh please you could never defeat my stand! Yellow Temperance is more powerful than even you,” He said, a cocky smirk resting on his dumb face. “anyway that’s not what I’m here to do. Lord Did himself has sent me to hire you. You’ve already done far more for him than the rest of his servants combined! It’s incredible.” Who the hell is Lord Dio? Actually now that you thought about it, he’d been mentioned before. “Tell me about Dio, and perhaps i’ll consider his proposition.” “Lord Dio is unlike any man I’ve ever seen before. His presence alone is an experience I’ll never forget. But long story short, he’s insanely powerful and will pay you well. He promised me 100 million for killing Jotaro. You beat me to it but whatever.” “He sounds interesting. But I don’t need money.” “You’re sleeping in a bush of course you need money. Besides you don’t have to do much. Just kill Joseph Joestar and thats it.” “And what if I refuse?” You asked, raising an eyebrow. “Then I’ll have to kill you. Or maybe Lord Dio will kill you himself. His Stand is the most powerful thing on this planet. You wouldn’t stand a chance.” Shirtless guy said. A powerful stand huh? Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to eat one more stand user. If this Dio really is that powerful, it might be the cherry on top to complete my collection! “Well ok then. Take me to Lord Dio, and i’ll go and eat this Joestar guy for you.” You said, climbing out of the bush. “Oh I can’t do that. You can’t just go and meet Lord Dio. Kill Joseph Joestar first.” From what you could tell, Joseph was the old man who witnessed you eat his friend and the dog. He would be an easy target but something was holding you back. You felt like you couldn’t kill him. Maybe it was his hat. Hats always tasted bad. Aside from that, if Shirtless guy wasn’t going to take you to Dio then he was no longer needed. You sighed loudly and got your jaw ready. It was meal time I guess. Your tongue snapped out to grab your meal but instead it closed on a strange yellow goo that started to burn away at your flesh. You hissed and tried to pull away but the goo continued to move along your tongue. “Feel the power of my stand! Yellow Temperance is unbeatable! The more you try to eat me, the more of your flesh it will burn away. Unless you cut off your tongue, there’s no escape!” He cried triumphantly. You rolled your eyes. “Bet” Using one of your talons, you slashed through your tongue and it flopped to the floor with a gross squelching noise. You spat blood onto the floor and squared up. Shirtless guy’s eyes widened but he didn’t move. Another jet of yellow goo came towards you and dived out of the way. You wouldn’t be able to fight Yellow Temperance like you would normally fight. This would require an actual strategy. You hadn’t used that since you fought Kars. Maybe the move you had used then might actually help here. If only you remembered it. Yellow temperance shot through the air again and caught on your talons. It quickly began to surround your entire hand and began to move up your arm. Unlike with your tongue, you couldn’t just cut this off. You only had one option left. You ran towards him, your bloody maw wide open. Using the goo stuck to your hand, you yanked him forward as hard as you could. He barely managed to scream before he flew straight into your mouth. The goo on your arm was sucked in too and you sighed with relief. Once you had eaten Dio then you could finally rest easy. The only question left was where the hell is he? Luckily for you, at that very moment Joseph walked past, searching for something. You ducked behind a tree and watched him approach a mansion gate. “I’m coming for you Dio.” He said. Very dramatic 10/10. Well I guess that answers my question, you thought as Joseph opened the gate and stepped inside.

You climbed over the fence, hoping to stay out of Josephs view and were immediately attacked by a bird. A huge and absolutely terrifying falcon. It flew at you again, clawing at your face. “Fine then you bastard.” You grabbed him by his wings and stuffed him into your mouth. You felt your stomach burn even more. Joseph walked to the door, looking around cautiously. He was scared, you could tell by the slight tremble in his legs as he pushed open the door. Poor guy, all alone, against this Dio person. For a moment you almost felt bad about eating his friends. Oh well. He walked inside and was immediately swallowed up by the darkness. You crept around the edge of the mansion, looking for another way in. Far above you was a window. It was going to be a hell of a climb. If your tongue was at full length, you could use it like a grappling hook. Instead you had to resort to using your claws to grab onto and dig into the stones. It was a slow and exhausting process and by the time you reached the window you were ready for a break. You slipped through the open window and straight into a war zone. There was blood everywhere and chunks of the walls and floor were missing. Hunched in the corner was Joseph, bleeding badly. He didn’t seem to notice your presence and instead seemed to be looking for something. There was a horrible noise, unlike anything you had heard before and another stand burst through the floor, destroying everything in its path. There was no real way to describe it other than a ball of death. “Oh my god!” Joseph cried. His stand pulled him out of the way just in time. You slowly edged your way towards a hole in the wall, hoping to get past without detection. You slithered around the outside of the room, trying to ignore Joseph and the death ball as they crashed about. You had almost reached the exit when something slammed into the wall blocking your way out. It was Joseph, his face a bloodied mess. You stopped and stood awkwardly for a moment not wanting to just step over him. Whats up with you? You’ve left people to die before, this shouldn’t be any different. And yet something was stopping you. A feeling deep in your gut. And then you realised what it was. You felt sick. If you kept going at this rate you would throw up. You slid to the floor next to Joseph and waved awkwardly. “Hi, hows it going.” “Holy shit!” He cried, jumping in fright. “Who are you? Are you here to save me?” He asked. “Nah I just need a quick break.” He stared at you, looking very pissed off. Suddenly he frowned and look of realisation dawned on his face. “Aren’t you the thing that ate Avdol and Iggy?” Oh those were their names. “uhhhhh no...” Something about his voice was tugging at your memories and then it hit you. This was the guy from the Volcano all those years ago! It was thanks to him that you were even here in the first place. The ball of death crashed through the wall on the opposite side of the room and you cursed. He was coming straight for the two of you. You were about to get out of there but something stopped you. And it wasn’t your stomach pains. You turned to Joseph and smiled slightly. “Its time I repaid you for waking me up all those years ago. Get out of here, I’ll deal with the ball of death here. Its the least I can do.” “Huh? What are you talking about?” “I’m giving you a chance to survive this! Now get of here!” “I can’t just leave! I have to kill Dio!” “IM TRYING TO BE NICE NOW SHUT UP AND GO BEFORE HE KILLS US BOTH!” You screeched in his face. Joseph shook his head angrily. Jesus christ! You grabbed him and threw him out one of the windows. He’ll be fine I’m sure. Now time to deal with this bastard. The ball of death was zooming towards you. This is going to kill me I can feel it. My stomach isn’t designed for so many people. But it was that or death and so you stretched your jaw as wide open as you could, and the great Vanilla Ice rolled straight into it. Thank god I didn’t have my tongue or that would have been annihilated by him wowie. You sat there, propped against the wall, your energy completely drained. Can I die from overeating? Cause I think I’m about to. I can’t move. If someone else tries to attack me now then that’ll be the end of me. You had never felt so exhausted before. Behind you there was a creak on the stair case and you forced your head to move. An imposing figure was walking towards you, hidden in shadows. And Oh god it was Dio.

This is how it all ends. You lying on the floor, half dead. Dio fast approaching. No one to save you now. The only one who could ever beat him had been long digested. Maybe it was always meant to end like this. Your own greed to inevitably be your downfall. Dio stepped into the room, looking down at you like a boot regards a bug. “You know, I am truly impressed by you. You were the only one able to kill Joseph Joestar and his annoying little group and I applaud you for that,” I mean Josephs alive but thanks anyway I guess “ It’s a pity that you chose not to take up my offer. Unfortunately for you, you made a huge mistake when you killed Yellow Temperance. But you should be honoured for you shall be killed by me, Dio!” “Bet.” You dragged yourself to your feet. Dio laughed cruelly as you prepared yourself to fight. “Foolish little thing. You will never beat me! No one can! I am unbeatable and undefeated! You will die like everyone else! For you see, my stands power is one even you can’t stop. ZA WARUDO!” He roared, glowing a brilliant gold. And then everything stopped. One moment Dio was right there in front of you, the next moment, he was behind you and you felt something burst through your stomach. You crashed into the wall and collapsed to the floor. There was blood everywhere. But not just blood. Though you couldn’t see it, you feel the the horrible full sensation in your stomach drain away. Somehow, despite the big ass hole in your abdomen, you felt better than you had all day. God this brought back memories. Except last time was a lot more annoying. Kars’ stupid hair slapped you so many times during that fight. Then you cut it off and boy did that make Kars mad. Hah he’d looked so dumb. Dio looked on, relishing in your apparent demise. But you weren’t done yet. Bring it on you pompous bastard. Your idea was dumb but hey, at least it was something. Keeping up the dying facade, you pulled yourself up onto your knees and began to grovel at Dio’s feet. “Oh lord Dio I really did underestimate you. But now I know that your power is beyond anything I could even imagine. Please let me ask one of thing of you. Before I die, let me gaze upon your Stand. Allow me to admire the one that has finally vanquished my meaningless and futile life.” Dio raised an eyebrow but he was a fool if he thought he could hide his true emotions. That idiot was already taken in by your act. “Very well. I suppose I should grant you this last request to thank you for destroying my greatest enemies. The world!” His stand appeared behind him, a weird gold robot with a green goatee shaped like a heart. Honestly did anyone here have a half decent looking stand? You slowly dragged yourself closer and closer to Dio, disguising the sound with your exclamations of amazement. Dio smirked, basking in the glory of his apparent victory. Meanwhile your tongue was finally growing back and it slithered around Dio’s leg. I have to time this perfectly. If Dio realises what I’m doing before I’ve eaten him and stops time then I’m dead. So you waited, keeping the praise flowing as your tongue winded its way up Dio’s leg. It reached his waist and your eyes narrowed and you smiled. “Oh Lord Dio I must tell you one final thing.” “And what might that be?” “There’s someone still alive and waiting for you and that is-“ At that exact moment, Joseph’s head popped up at the window. “JOSEPH JOESTAR!” “WHAT!” Dio cried, turning around. Your tongue tightened and you dragged the ‘almighty lord Dio’ into your mouth. He didn’t even get to scream. Almost immediately you felt new energy flowing though your veins. The hole in your stomach began to close over. Joseph jumped through the window, eyes wide. “You killed him? You managed to kill Dio? Wha- How??” You shrugged. “Well I best be off. Thank you again for waking me up when you made that volcano erupt all those years I really appreciate it. It’s thanks to you that I got to have such a fun little journey. Alrighty then, well goodbye Joseph. Until next time!” You walked straight past him and out of the mansion. I wonder where the nearest Volcano is. I need to take another nap.

The End.