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My Sharona

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“You know, if we had kids, they'd be so fucked up.”

Tycho raised an eyebrow at him. “We do have kids. Two of them, each. You didn't like... forget, did you?” Horror creeped onto his features. “Oh god, Gabe, you didn't kill our children did you? Be honest.”

“What?” Gabe glared at him. “No. I meant us--” He motioned between them overdramatically. “Us-us. My DNA, your DNA. Kids. Fucked up.”

He furrowed his brow. “Yes. They would be,” he stated conclusively. He went back to his book for a moment. “...why did you bring this up again?”

“I was thinking that if we had a girl, her name could be like... Sharona,” Gabe grinned, excited by the idea. “And if we had a boy, Gabe Jr.”

“Your son is named Gabe.”

There was a pause.

“...well in this hypothetical universe he doesn't exist. Also--” He pointed at Tycho. “Dibs.”

“Dibs?” he repeated. “Dibs on what?”

“On being the mom.”

Tycho raised an eyebrow. “...that's what you're calling dibs on? In this hypothetical situation, you want a hypothetical vagina? And you want to pop my kids out?”

Gabe put his hands over his heart. “You could never fully appreciate the beauty of childbirth. Of course I'd be the mom.”

“Uh huh.” Tycho snorted and went back to his book. “...you know kids come out of your vag, right?”

“Yes. I was there. Twice.

“You know it hurts, right?”

Gabe frowned. “I think Kara was overreacting.”

“Really?” Tycho put his book down again. “You think she was overreacting? She pushed a human being out of her vagina. Twice. I think she would know.”

“Well, what about Brenna? Your kids?” Gabe asked. “How'd she take it.”

“We bought our kids at Wal*Mart,” Tycho shrugged.

Gabe looked at him skeptically. “...they sell kids?”

“Oh yeah. I mean, they're like... seasonal, though. Like Cadbury Cream Eggs,” he mused. He glanced at Gabe. He looked like he was buying it. “I could pick one up for you. A little girl. Then you can justify buying Barbie dolls. In fact... you should probably stock up.”

Gabe giggled. “Ohmygod, yes yes yes. I want a Wal*Mart baby!”

Tycho licked his finger and turned the page. “Of course you do.”