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Friends

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I sit right now in front of my laptop, glasses perched on my nose, a cup of black coffee sits besides my laptop, she always asked me how was I able to gulp down something so bitter though she always followed up with a "It's just you things"  and smiled. But this was all before I lost her, I mean she's still alive and well, she just isn't in my life like that now. It's been years since I last saw her or talked to her but at times like this when I am all alone, it's her face that pops up in my mind or when ever something exciting happens, it's her who I want to text.

We met in high school, she was a junior of mine since middle school but I didn't new her until my final year in high school. It was September, there were tons of new faces around, fresh minds ready to take on the hard coursework they didn't knew would make them cry. We hadn't officially even met when you already had made up your mind about me, you told me later that you thought of me as an extrovert and you, yourself as an introvert and how we would never really be close. Little did you know at that time though how would you be proved wrong.

I had the cliche : extrovert jockey reputation, knew everyone from my batch and was now going around befriending the juniors, it was in one of these moments I actually met you properly : Moon Byul Yi. You sat their with your best friend Whee In, it was early morning, we had no class and I was walking in the Badminton court when I saw you two, I walked over and greeted you guys, Wheen In seemed comfortable enough but you were shy, you escaped looking into my eyes though your replies were perfect.

"Food" , that's what we discussed, the moment the word was mentioned we ranted and ranted about it, breakfast, lunch, dinner routines, what we liked or disliked, I learnt you loved sweets and soft drinks while I hated them. Your eyes were glowing, you seemed so fresh and active then, I knew one thing then and there : I liked a smiling , cheerful Byul Yi and would do anything to keep her smiling. 

I teased you about a boy few days later, you got flustered easily, your friends joining me in it and you trying to avoid it. I realised that I might have made you awkward with the whole situation, I went home and wrote a really formal apology, you were shocked at my formality and dismissed the whole scene. I was relieved.

Hi, My name is Kim Yongsun and I have never been good at first impressions, people generally just take my bitch resting face as my mood 24/7 *sighs. This story is about how my first love is the last one. How suddenly someone who was always in shadow became my own light. This story is about everything that will seem cliche to you with a happy ending, but trust me it isn't. 

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After our first meeting, it took a while for us to interact again, Elections were coming up and I decided to run for Student Council President. Wheen In was running for Vice President too so you were involved in the Elections Campaign. You posted a post in my favour voluntarily, it wasn't expected, so being the curious person I was, I ended up texting you about it, you hadn't posted in favour for anyone apart from WheeIn so I was thankfull to you about it.

That's how we started texting more casually and often. You having queries about this or that thing and me answering you about them. I was now friends with your sqaud too by this time. 

You took your time to get comfortable though you always were careful about everyone else too, I liked you for not being oversharing like one of those douches that never stop talking and by the end of the hour you know what their grandpa did in elementary school.

Byul Yi, you always treaded carefully, kept to your own self, walls built high up and only your best friend allowed in.

October, the month of fall for everyone else, but for us it was spring. You sat in the badminton court curios as to where me and a bunch of my friends were going to? Still the shy Byul, you didn't approach me directly however you asked around in your circle about it.

It was debate season, Byul, that's where we were going to. You were worried for the entire 3 days it went on for, you didn't see us in school for that time so we resorted to texting, what I wonder now is that did you text me during your class too? Because if I ever did that, you scolded me and told me to focus in class. Those 3 days were the start, for what would later become the reason for us to get "emotionally attached" to each other. 

"Did you guys eat something yet?" "Is the food even good there?" "Did you sleep properly last night?", you aksed and asked alot of questions about our wellbeing. You were so worried about everything, you disapproved of me being up late in the night doing research and catching up on missing coursework. The last day we got late, really really late, you were with me the entire time Byul, you wouldn't sleep too so you wouldn't miss when I posted about our awards and wins. You were proud of us, you were proud of me.

You worrying about a senior, you don't know that much, was what hit me hard. Your happiness when we made the school proud and won the best delegation, your innocence most of all. Byul, you were different than everyone else I had met. I melted, the resident Satan melted for once over somone and there was no going back. I wanted to be close to you and I knew I had to get inside those walls of yours, it was gonna be alot of hardwork, alof of patience from my side and proving to you that you could trust me. My mind was made up!

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It's raining right now, Byul Ah. I wonder what you are doing right now... Three years back If I had asked you, you would have said "Just the usual stuff" ... Even though you disliked me for being a boring person, reading books and sipping coffee, your reply to your daily routine contradicts you not liking my habits.

It rains right now, Byul Ah, and even after all this time, yours is the warmth I crave at this moment. I get cold in this weather, you know that, but you aren't here to make the cold go away. I have a flu right now, If everything was as it was back then, I would have been scolded by you for not taking precautions.

The pour of water, the noise when the drops hit the window glass, the perfect mixture of tranquil and chaos, the weather I love, makes me peaceful but also brews a storm inside me because I can't stop thinking about you, what are you doing right now? Are you out eating Pizza Fries? Or did you order pepperoni pizza at home? Wrapped up in bed, all cosy, aren't you?

I was supposed to be writing a report on the downpour, though here I am reminiscing about old times as If I could just break them back. You see everything about you is edged into my brain, all our memories engraved, all the moments you blushed, everything Byul Ah, and there is no running away from them for me. I always took pride in not getting attached to anything or anyone, huh, but look how pathetic I am now. Stuck, forever stuck on you.

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When the school year had started, I was sick, bedridden sick for a whole month. I did go to school but only for important classes and then went directly home. Not a lot of people saw me during that month I kind of didn't exist outside of my class. The month passed like that and I finally gained enough energy to now start attending the whole school days. Though whatever energy I had was used up on coursework and that tiring debate competition..... The worst was yet to come, sports season...


Right after the debates ended, the school's coach announced the upcoming matches ; Softball, Throw ball and Table Tennis, all on consecutive days and all sports that I played. There goes my plan to rest up. I was surprised that instead of January they had moved the Softball Match to October. Well, I had no time to complain, as the Captain this year I had more on my plate than ever so it was better to start practicing.


I was that kind of kid you wouldn’t see in the library studying daily, you would see me in the ground practicing this or that sport however knowing what was going to be a busy week, you saw me studying, you were shocked, weren’t you, Byul Ah? You saw how tired I was, you were worried again but you didn’t dare say anything cause “you would sound clingy and annoying to me", under normal circumstances, yes that would have been clingy but not when it comes to you. Nothing is normal when you are considered.


Texting daily was a routine of ours and here or there, you would be asking about my wellbeing, trying to be subtle, just you things. The day came finally when it was the Softball final, the team was all bursting with excess energy and excitement, you joined us in the ground, though you said you were there because of WheeIn (also being in the team).... You took our pictures and kept us company until the school’s gate. You were a gem....


We won, Byul Ah, we won! We defeated our long time rivals finally and the entire school was in an uproar!!! I didn’t have a lot of time to celebrate our victory as tomorrow was the Throw ball match and the day after that Table Tennis. I sat down to study and you respected my wish and left me alone, occasionally making sure I ate properly.


You were in awe of me, I could tell, you knew I didn’t flunk any test, never bunked any classes and still be part of various events and sports. You told me later you admired me... Although we lost throw ball, we were the runner’s up for table tennis. It was Saturday that day, I was super tired after the week, still dizzy from victory when I got home.

It was the “Homecoming Party" that evening too and you were disappointed when I told you I wouldn’t attend but you understood I was too tired to do anything else for sometime. There was a whole ton of homework to catch up and all the upcoming tests.


You had taken part in an act for the party and you were scared. You texted me for help. I was happy that finally I was a bit closer to my goal, getting you to trust me! Although I give you some tips , I knew you were going to be perfectly fine and yeah I was right, you were fantastic, as always.


My feelings by this time were starting to bloom from just being friends to having a crush on you and you, Byul Yi didn’t help me at all, always taking me by surprise and making me fall for you, little by little until later on when I would be engulfed by it.

 

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I had sworn off love or any kind of that feeling, long time ago when I was just 10 years old. I had a saying : Love exist in just a single form ; the parents love, especially a mother's love for her child. I believed that wholeheartedly. Burying my heart somewhere deep made everything easy. I didn't have to deal with anything I did or the consequences it would later have. I had no regards for anyone and the people I called 'friends' , I only did that to keep them close and use their love and loyalty for my own self. They were more like pets than friends. It was easy back then.

My biggest regret ever was to let my guard down and think that my last year at school who was I going to catch feelings for? I should have never done that, shouldn't have let my walls down for even a second. Maybe I thought that this was the part of becoming a better person, whoever said that love makes you better, screw you!!! Cause they were right.

See, the thing is, I did become a better person, condemning my wrongs and bringing out the better in everyone. I was happy, always with a witty reply and sarcastic sense of humour to cheer everyone else. I actually made friends that year.... and then you happened, you...

You are not mine to call "mine"... I wish I could once again be the insensitive person I was so I could just delete every memory of ours and delete you from my brain for ever, but I can't. I spend days lamenting everything and nothing. Hours pass by as if they were seconds when I scroll through our old chats.

It hurts, it hurts too much....

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Mid terms.... Dreadful season...

It just felt like yesterday since the Home coming party and we are now already preparing for these end of term exams.

I decided to attend some extra supoort classes to cover up for the slots I had missed due to my sports matches. You were happy to see me come to school on that day, it was evident on your face.

You sat in front of my face, besides Wheen In, trying to hide your clear blush but failing to do so. Wheen In ignored it, I guess she was used to it or thought it was due to the cold but I, I couldn't help look at you again and again whenever you would sneak a peek at me and the blush would come back more stronger. 

I went off to class so did you, but the cheeky smile on your face Byul Yi was so evident, if anyone had been in my place they would have thought the same: that you liked me too, maybe, just maybe, or maybe I was over thinking. 

Exams finally came and we both got our asses kicked. I felt pathetic. In the washroom, sitting on the toilet I pulled a air packed tiny plastic shopper, it eas pocket sized, easy to sneak in. I often got sad without any reason, okay not without any reason, I felt like a crazy sad person at times with sudden mood swings that were uncertain.

I sat there looking at the packet, it had old blood stains on it, and there inside it was a tiny blade, one of ten I had sneaked out of a shop. The blade had stains on it too. I let be it like that, as a remainder.



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I have been doing it since 5 grade, It made the voices stop in my head. The blood made it go away. The physical pain over powering the mental one. 

 

I start to look at my arms thinking of a place to have a scar on this time, this time just because I felt like I was a failure at exams and studies and a disgrace to my family of intellectuals. 

 

Writing this, I just remember how I would read up on facts and general knowledge and speak at every moment to not feel inferior in my siblings and parents shadow. They were people of great knowledge and power while I..... I used to me a prodigy but then tbe voices came, they came and with them everything else went down hill. I even left sports for some time because of that, I had really lost my identity.

 

Three horizontals just below my elbow, that is what i decided. Three horizontals to shut the thoughts, three to stop the mental pain, three to break down miserably, just three, that's what it took. 

 

I watched the drops starting to fall. Crimson, I liked that colour before, now I don't really know. 1 minute more and then i started to clean up after me. The blade went back to its small bag and new band aids on me. If anyone asked I could just say got injured playing sports or something. Meh, nobody really cares if you are that strong person and can look in people's eye and lie to them. 

 

So the next day that's exactly what I do, be me, or the me they think I am. Go to school, give the final paper, chat here and there, be the person who greets everyone and come back home.

 

Nobody noticed, nobody, not you, not my parents,not anyone because Yongsun is the strong minded one. She is not weak. She is the one who always had a clear head. That's what you thought too at that time.

 

 

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I am sitting here right now while it pours outside.

It has been years since I indulged in any such behaviour but today can be an excpetion, right?

I don't even remember it where I kept the box of them. Umm, maybe it's behind all of those books in the shelf or this drawer maybe.... Ah, here it is.

All the previous times I never took it far though, I always stopped before something major happened.  But nope, not today.

Let's get the bathtub filling and yeah a bath bomb won't be bad too. The news report I was writing right now, well let's delete that, who am I kidding, I have only managed to write 2 lines before the thoughts came back to my mind, the voices buried deep inside came back alive.

Let's make sure to save electricity, turned the rest lights off, play some Beethoven and let the mood settle in.

But wait, have to write one last article though, I mean I am a journalist so writing is a must. What should I name it? Ah, got it, the perfect title,  Friends. That's what we were right,  Byul-Ah.

Today, while uou are cozy in your little nest hearing news about the rain, tomorrow you will hear about me and I don't know how you will feel to be honest, I won't be here to see your reactions.

Will you cry? Or like those twisted movies will you finally tell me that you love me while I lay dressed in your favourite colour? Or will you still say I was the bestest friend you ever had? Disappoint me one last time, huh?

The Bath is almosg full. Let's save this Friends document, that's done now. 

The water feels calming so does the Classical Music.

Taking that same old blade out, from the same old bag, feels like ages. 

It's turning black Byul-Ah, everything is fading.......

 

 

BREAKING  NEWS : RISING JOURNALIST KIM YONGSUN FOUND DEAD IN HER HOME. POLICE HAVE RULED IT AS A SUICIDE AND EVEN FOUND A SUICIDE LETTER ON HER LAPTOP.