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long nights

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“Komaeda...?” Komaeda felt his shoulders tense up when he heard the other’s voice from behind him, drowsy and confused. “Mm...” Hinata sat up, rubbing his eyes. Komaeda decided not to face him as he felt guilt sink in his stomach. He wished he could just make Hinata fall back asleep right now. “Are you okay?” Hinata reached out hesitantly towards the other, laying a gentle hand on his shoulder. The taller boy sighed with a shaky breath. Maybe he could just play this off as if he was just up for a second to stretch, or anything at all that didn’t mean telling Hinata he’d been awake for hours.

Komaeda finally forced himself to turn towards him.

“I’m alright, Hinata-kun. Sorry if I woke you. Please go back to sleep.” Komaeda smiled sweetly at the other, but Hinata could tell it was just an act. Something was wrong.

“How long have you been awake?” His straightforwardness was nothing new, Hinata had always been blunt. But Komaeda had been hoping just this once he’d let it go. Komaeda’s smile disappeared as his gaze fell to the floor. He tried to answer, he really did, but the shame that the truth threatened to make him feel was clogging his throat.

“It’s okay, Komaeda.” Hinata said reassuringly, scooting closer to him. Komaeda fully turned around, sitting cross legged on the bed across from his boyfriend.

“Uhm...few hours... I don’t...I don’t know. Sorry for waking you up.” He repeated his apology, unable to meet Hinata’s eyes.

“I could try and help you relax, if you want.” Hinata offered without a second thought.

“No no, I would never ask you to do that so late in the night. Please, I’m fine, you should really slee-"

“You’re not fine.” Hinata said, his voice low. “Don’t give me that. I know this isn’t the first night you’ve been up like this... And I know you don’t want to bother me. But I’m not bothered. And either way, I don’t think I could go back to sleep knowing you’re alone.” Hinata averted his gaze for a moment, a light blush on his cheeks.

Komaeda finally met the other boy’s eyes. Sometimes he was really convinced that Hinata knew him better than he even knew himself.

“...I see.”

“Then it’s alright if I...try to help..?” Hinata asked.

“Please...” Komaeda said, a little desperation in his voice.

Hinata brought a hand up to Komaeda’s cheek, stroking it with his thumb. And slowly, Komaeda felt the essence of himself settle back into his body and away from the place he was in just minutes ago. Hinata’s fingertips drew his mind back to reality, and he no longer felt so disconnected. He heard Hinata mutter something when they were only inches apart as he leaned closer, like “it’s gonna be okay.” Hinata pressed a warm palm onto Komaeda’s chest and pushed him gently back onto the bed, so he could hover over him protectively. Hinata’s words, and his touch, his warmth... it all made Komaeda feel so dizzy. But dizzy in grounded way. A way where he felt safe letting his mind go and giving into the feeling. He just felt...alright. No, he felt quite a lot more than that. But that feeling of groundedness, that being alright, that was the essence of it all. It’s what wrapped all of Hinata’s beautiful affections into a warm little gift that he gave to him every day. And on nights like these, it was a gift he needed.

So when Komaeda let himself fall back onto the bed, their mouths locked in a deep kiss, for once, he was able to believe those words.

“It’s gonna be okay.”

They echoed in his mind, melting away some of his thoughts like they really did have no weight behind them to begin with. Simply dust floating around in his brain that he couldn't clean himself. Such weak, feeble thoughts that had consumed his mind for hours. It was... he was so...

“I’m pathetic.” Komaeda whispered against Hinata’s lips, his hand that hand been loosely grabbing at Hinata’s shirt from the front had balled the fabric up in his fist as his thoughts began to consume him again.

Hinata pulled away enough to see Komaeda’s face. Hinata looked...stunning. He couldn’t help but notice, even in the dark like this. Hinata looked almost ethereal in the moonlight that shone in his eyes and complimented his tan skin, making him look like a living painting. His wrinkled shirt half unbuttoned, and his messy, ruffled brown hair that stuck to his face... It was one of the most beautiful things Komaeda thought he'd ever seen.
Even that expression he wore, half lidded eyes full of care and determination, it made Komaeda feel so much he couldn’t describe. He almost cried in that moment, just looking up at the other while they caught their breath. Even if he still felt that pain in the restlessness of his mind some nights, he still felt so overwhelmed with gratefulness. He couldn’t deny that feeling when Hinata looked at him like that.

“The hell are you talking about, Nagito? You’re not pathetic.”

Komaeda broke their eye contact as he sighed.

“But I... I always feel this way, Hinata-kun. Every night.” Komaeda spoke in a hushed voice.

“I never sleep, Hinata-kun. I can’t. But this time...this time you caught me. And I guess that’s all I needed. Because you make that horrible feeling go away when I can’t do so myself. If I need you so badly for everything I do...what am I even good for, I wonder?” Komaeda spoke softly, his gaze fixated on the window as his lips curved into a bittersweet smile.

Hinata was rendered speechless for a moment, his mouth left agape. Sure, he’d always reassured Komaeda of the opposite of his self deprecating comments, even when they were more harsh than usual. But the rawness in Komaeda’s tone... Hinata could tell he was tired. He was really tired. But Hinata was not about to let him try to sleep yet when he was thinking that way.

Hinata sighed and leaned down, placing his forearms on either side of Komaeda's head as he spoke.

“You know, I think that exact same thing... All the time...” Hinata blushed, running his fingers through Komaeda’s fluffy hair. The boy beneath him looked so cute, a breathless expression on his face.

“Huh?” Komaeda turned his head back, meeting Hinata’s gaze. They were close again, and Komaeda could feel the other’s warm breath on his skin.

“What you said about needing someone just to feel...okay. I feel the same thing all the time about you. Yeah sure, sometimes I do things on my own, but...” Hinata furrowed his brows.

“Hinata-kun, y-you...”

“Some days I can’t even think at all before I talk to you, or unless you’re around, or t-touching me, or telling me all that stuff about hope, you know it really...it really sort of helps sometimes. You always...say the right things, Nagito. I don’t know how you do it.” Hinata let out a breathy chuckle and sighed.

“I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t always here. It all feels like how it should be but sometimes... Sometimes I-I guess I think too much and it...scares me. How much I probably rely on you. I mean, I love you, but you’re my best friend too, you know.” Hinata smiled with tired but genuine eyes, a slight blush coating his cheeks. All that sappy stuff made him embarrassed to admit, but maybe it was just what Komaeda needed to hear.

“I... I don’t...” Komaeda really didn’t know what to say to all that. His brain scrambled to find a fitting response but it all just amounted to nothing. A wave of something intense hit his chest, like he’d been waiting for it forever.

He understands.

Hinata had always understood him much more than anyone else, but this... This was something he didn’t think someone as strong as Hinata ever experienced, especially not feeling like the person he needed was...

“I-I-“

Komaeda’s vision blurred as tears welled up in his eyes. Hinata didn’t say anything, even when the other’s crying became obvious. Hinata brushed away his tears with his thumb while holding his cheek affectionately. He knew why Komaeda cried, and he understood how that felt. He’d almost broken down himself hearing Komaeda talk earlier.

Hinata laid down beside the other boy as Komaeda turned towards him and held onto his body tightly. Komaeda laid his head onto Hinata’s shoulder, his tears dampening the other’s shirt, but Hinata didn’t seem to care.

Hinata embraced Komaeda more naturally than by conscious choice, placing a comforting hand on his back and letting out a heavy breath. He moved his hand to Komaeda’s head when he felt him nuzzle into his neck. He idly stroked his hair, calming the other down. He always did that when Komaeda cried, ever since he learned how it relaxes him.

“Wake me up next time, okay?” Hinata felt the other nod into his shoulder. And with that, the two drifted off into sleep, warm and close.