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If Money Talks, You're Either On Drugs Or Hallucinating

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“Tatsuma, I can't accept this.” Gintoki said, setting his drink aside with one hand for the first time that night. He glanced up to Sakamoto with such a serious look that the idiot immediately laughed at him. Why? Why was he always laughing at him like this? What was so funny? Gintoki genuinely wished he knew what was going through Sakamoto's head in moments like these, but at the same time, Gintoki was scared to know.

They were in one of those typical, shoddy little bars, one of the ones Sakamoto liked to frequent whenever he dropped by to do whatever it was that he did here on Earth. It was small and loud and dim and smelled like over-priced alcohol, but for Sakamoto, Gintoki could put up with it. For Sakamoto, he could accept this location even though he himself preferred the lonely chairs at low-rate establishments. But this, this heavy wad of cash in Gintoki's hand? No matter how desperate he was, no matter how much he liked to complain about being poor, he couldn't accept it. Not from a friend. Not out of pity. Not from Sakamoto.

Gintoki tossed the bundled wad back to Sakamoto's side of the table. It landed with a heavy, resounding thunk. He picked up his drink, only a mouthful of something left, and shot it back in one go. Sure, Sakamoto might be rich. Sure, Sakamoto might have money just lying around to spare and sure, Gintoki would let him pay for the drinks at the end of the night. But that didn't mean Gintoki needed to take the bills, especially when he hadn't done anything to earn it.

He'd feel guilty. He already felt guilty that Sakamoto had offered it, like Gintoki had somehow misbehaved, had given him the impression that he had wanted it.

“Ha ha, why won't you take it?” Sakamoto asked, grinning bright as he slid a new drink across the uneven table to Gintoki's side. This one wasn't sake, this one was blue and looked like if Gintoki drank too many, he'd find himself seriously fucked up in an hour. “Do you want more? I have so much cash right now, I've already taken an Instagram photo of me bathing in it!”

“I don't need any of it.” Gintoki said, catching the new drink before it could slide off the table. He didn't pick it up, didn't make any move to drink it. Simply kept the chilled beverage in his hand while he stared. “Why would you even offer it?”

“Because you're my friend? And I love you? Ha ha?” Sakamoto laughed, grin wide.

Friend. They were friends. That was all. Gintoki glanced to the blue drink in his hand.

Sakamoto gestured with his hand, and Gintoki braced himself for the bullshit that was to come. “Just take it. Treat the kids to something nice. You don't even have to spend it on yourself – even though I'd like you to spend it on yourself. Ha ha! If you need an excuse, I won big at pachinko! Ha ha! Like loads! Even Mutsu is secretly proud of me, she hasn't hit me in twenty-four hours! And if you need a second excuse, Mutsu doesn't want me to blow it all on pachinko tonight. So, really, you're doing me a favor. Don't be stubborn, just take it.”

Gintoki huffed, rolling his eyes and finally lifting his third drink. “I'm not taking it. Give it to Zura to fund his project or something.”

“Ha!” Sakamoto laughed, loud enough to attract attention from the other side of the bar, a grand feat considering they were yelling at each other in competition over to the music. “Give it to Zura? Zura would either be more stubborn than you about it or eat it up in a heartbeat! Ha ha! Why would I support him and his destructive activities? I'm a pacifist, after all, what happens when he gets caught with a million yen and the police find my fingerprints all over it? I'll have to tell them he either stole it, or I'll sell him for the money they confiscated.”

“Considering how much trouble you like to start, I never would have guessed you still lived by that pacifist ideal.” Gintoki said. He flashed Sakamoto a coy glance as he took a sip, shit-eating grin in place. “If you somehow sneak me the money, I'll give it to Zura. And then Zura will blow it on something stupid, if not literally blow it up. So really, you just need to keep it.”

“I'll just give it to your kids and tell them it's their yearly bonus, or that I'm finally payin' them their missed wages.” Sakamoto said, sending that coy look straight back. His shit-eating grin was just as bad and Gintoki wasn't sure which one of them derived the face first. It was me, I'm the bad influence, aren't I?

“You're not the only one who can be sneaky.” Sakamoto laughed. “And you're not in the position to be sneaky either.”

Gintoki snorted, imagining Sakamoto offering the kids that much money. Kagura would just take it, but Shinpachi? “The kids won't accept it from you for no reason either. You'll have to get them to do some jobs on the ship or something.”

Sakamoto tipped back his drink, swallowing it in one go. He slammed the cup down on the table. “So, what? You guys need to work for your money or something?”

“That's… usually how people make money, dumbass. I'm not working for you. You're a con.” Gintoki eyed him up, unsure about the toothy smile playing on Sakamoto's lips. It looked like Sakamoto had come to some sort of decision.

“Bad news bears.” Sakamoto said, his tongue suddenly touching his blue-stained bottom lip. “We already know I'd sell you to the enemy, so you shouldn't be surprised if I try to buy you off for something we're going to do anyway.

It was a joke. An insensitive joke. Anyone else, and Gintoki's stomach wouldn’t have twisted. “No. Tatsuma, no.”

“Come on.” Sakamoto winked. “Just humor me. You think we're gonna get shitfaced and then go our separate ways? If you need an excuse to take the money-”

Tatsuma.” Gintoki said. His face remained slack, but something in his chest lurched sadly. “I'm not taking it.”

“You're not taking what?” Sakamoto asked, eyebrows waggling. “Let's get out of here. Finish that drink.”

Gintoki huffed, already knowing he would give in despite the repercussions, and finished his drink.

“I'm still not taking the money.” Gintoki said, striding into Sakamoto's giant room on his oversized, top-of-the-line ship. There wasn't much in the room – had never been – besides the meager furniture and massive western-style bed. It was so large that Gintoki would never find a bed that big on Earth, the overhead canopy completely extra and made of fine red silk.

Show off.

Gintoki's attention was instantly caught by the wide dresser pushed against one of the walls, several little odd plants sitting atop its waist-high surface. Gintoki moved over to them, glancing over the newest oddities that Sakamoto had been collecting. They came in various sizes, all of them unusual colors and sprouting peculiar leaves. Some of them Gintoki had seen before, some of his favorites didn't seem to be present anymore. One of the newest flowers, beautiful and white as snow, looked like it had teeth.

Behind him, Sakamoto laughed while the automatic door whirred closed, a lock sliding into place. “Don't even worry about the money, I have a plan. You might not even notice I gave it to you.”

Gintoki scoffed, standing up. He turned around, tired eyes on Sakamoto leaning against the wall by the door. He wasn't drunk, neither was Sakamoto, both of them tapping out at three drinks. His head was a little fuzzy, his movements a touch slower than usual, but somehow the two of them hadn't gotten shitfaced. For once.

Gintoki's mouth pulled into a frown, his eyes ever so slightly flickering down, staring at Sakamoto's right shoulder. The issue with the money was up again, the joke about paying for his time, his body. “Tatsuma...”

“Gintoki.” Sakamoto bounced up from the wall, moving closer with too much energy in his step for the wee hours of the morning. His voice had changed though, still good humor but serious enough that Gintoki knew he wasn't joking. “I'm not paying you for this. You're worth more than that.”

When Sakamoto moved into Gintoki's space, only an inch away, Gintoki's heart leaped. He still wasn't meeting Sakamoto's gaze, insecurity pooling in his stomach. “Tatsuma...”

“It's hard.” Sakamoto said. His right hand moved up and cupped Gintoki's cheek, thumb brushing the corner of Gintoki's lip. Gintoki closed his eyes. “You always need reasons and excuses for everything. You can't just accept that maybe people actually love you and want to help support you for nothing in return.”

“Don't be a sap...”

With his hand still on Gintoki's cheek, he tilted his head up. Sakamoto leaned down, noses brushing, lips meeting. Gintoki tried not to hungrily press into him, but he blamed the alcohol for his weakened self-control. Gintoki's lips parted in a gasp, Sakamoto following his lead. A second later, Gintoki was backed into the dressed so hard with Sakamoto stumbling after him that the plants all jostled an inch from their original spot. Gintoki hardly noticed. Sakamoto had both of his hands on Gintoki's face, all of his fingers sliding into soft hair, the remnants of sake and some fruity mixer on his tongue.

Gintoki moaned into the last kiss, running out of breath at the feeling of hands in his hair, mouth opening to breathe. “Tatsu-”

“It was a bad joke.” Sakamoto was breathless, still pressing against Gintoki's lips, still stuck on their stupid conversation. Opening his eyes, Gintoki met Sakamoto's. “We were going to sleep together anyway.”

“You're still on about the money?” Gintoki complained, rolling his eyes like it was a forgotten topic. “Just shut up about the money.”

Sakamoto laughed. Instead of retorting, he kissed him again instead. His body pressed into Gintoki's, trapping him against the dresser while the space between their faces become hot and a little bit sloppy. Gintoki's heart was already racing, lonely nights and the ache of longing making him desperate for contact.

Sakamoto's hands slid through Gintoki's hair, nails grazing to give his curls a good scrunch while Gintoki clutched to his jacket like he was about to fall. Sakamoto dropped his hands to the dresser on either side of Gintoki's hips, leaning against them. He was heavy in stature, solid in arousal. Gintoki needed him in every way Sakamoto could offer.

“You're like a housewife, always nagging and always stressing about the little things.” Sakamoto giggled, pressing a kiss to Gintoki's nose, hips grinding down.

Gintoki gasped, pressing back for friction, grinding into Sakamoto's leg, his arousal spiking at the contact. “And you can't even balance a checkbook, no wonder I'm always nagging. You're out in space for months on end, leaving me with the kids, and you're always flat-ass broke.”

“Ha ha, I'm flat-ass broke?” Sakamoto laugh. “You want to talk about flat-asses we need to address Taka-”

Gintoki kissed him just to shut him up. His fingers curled into his jacket desperately, the press of his lips urging Sakamoto to focus back on what they were doing. Sakamoto kissed him until he was breathless, always ready to go above and beyond. Gintoki wasn't jealous or anything, but Sakamoto always seemed to come back with a new trick or two from some distant planet.

It wasn’t like they were exclusive. It would never work. But he always comes back to see me...

Sakamoto rutted into him hard enough to jostle the dresser again, a laugh leaving him when one of the plants clattered to the floor. Gintoki glanced over, both curious and horrified to see that the plant had seemingly braced its own fall with its leaves, and was now righting its own pot.

“What are we, teenagers?” Gintoki tried to keep the humor out of his voice, but he laughed breathlessly. “You have the nicest bed I have ever seen and we're gonna do this over here? Where the plants might literally bite me?”

“I also have the nicest dresser you've ever seen.” Sakamoto said. “It's Italian.”

“The dresser is Italian?” Gintoki asked, eyebrow raising. “Does it speak to you? Does it keep you company on lonely nights? Am I about to get cursed again because we're about to fuck over a holy object and its spirit is going to enter my ass?”

“The only thing entering your ass on this dresser is me.” Without hesitating, Sakamoto grabbed Gintoki's thighs and hoisted him up – with Gintoki's help of course, he was a heavy guy – onto the dresser.

Gintoki's legs crossed behind his back, a genuine laugh filling the room. “You're an animal! You're nothing but an animal, who fucks on a dresser? Even I have more class than that and I'm as easy as they come!”

“You've always been a terrible liar.” Sakamoto said, sliding Gintoki's yukata off his shoulder. “You're not easy, but I am about to convert you to a dresser-fucker.”

“Says the rich man to the poor man who doesn't own an Italian dresser.” Gintoki said, head tilting back as Sakamoto's lips trailed under his jaw, teeth nipping at his skin. He shuddered, lips parted as he bared his throat, his grip on Sakamoto still iron. He'd never given up his throat until Sakamoto had started to make a habit of this. Had never given up his throat until Gintoki had gotten the ridiculous thought that maybe this would never end.

Sakamoto's kissed slowed down, marking a pulse point under his jaw. His teeth grazed over the spot once, twice, before he let his lips wander over it, threatening to suck a mark into it. Gintoki closed his eyes as Sakamoto lavished his attention there, half-aware that Sakamoto was pulling the last of his belts free from around his waist.

His sword clacked off the surface of the dresser, skittering within reach, yukata pooled around his hips. Gintoki pushed at Sakamoto's jacket, not surprised when Sakamoto stood up straight just to shrug it completely off.

“Would you really pass over Zura?” Gintoki asked, head still tilted back as Sakamoto leaned back in. He pulled the zipper of Gintoki's shirt with open one hand.

Sakamoto laughed, hand moving down to Gintoki's crotch. “I would! And what's this? We're back on the money again? Hahaha!” Sakamoto's hand slipped into Gintoki's pants, gripping him tight, his mouth near Gintoki's lips, but still chatting away instead of just kissing him. “I thought you didn't want to discuss it anymore?”

“I'm just wondering.” Gintoki said, lips parted and eyelids fluttering when Sakamoto stroked him. “Why-”

“You're over thinking.” Sakamoto said, leaning in to kiss Gintoki's nose. “Zura thinks too much and so do you. You need to be more like me and Takasugi: act on impulse and emotions, hahahah!”

Gintoki huffed, trying to focus past the hand. “That sounds like the best way to get myself into trouble. Which, by the way, I cause the least amount of trouble between the four of us.”

Sakamoto changed his grip, his angle, lips curling into a smile when Gintoki leaned his forehead into his shoulder.

“Oh?” Sakamoto asked, like they were having a regular conversation and like his hand was not around Gintoki's dick. “That's the stupidest thing you've said today, Gintoki. The least amount of trouble? You?”

Gintoki's mouth shut, a moan trapped in his throat. Sakamoto's teeth grazed his ear, a giggle pressing into his hair. “I can't believe you said that. The least amount of trouble.

Gintoki nuzzled into Sakamoto's hair, mouth open. His voice was breathy, needier than he'd like to admit. "Tatsuma…"

"What do you need?" Sakamoto asked, straight into his ear. "Do you need it fast? Slow? Tatsuma special?"

Gintoki groaned, his hands finally sliding down Sakamoto's shoulders to his waist, pulling at the hem of his pants. “Last time I got the special, I had to get myself off because you were so drunk you fell asleep. Greedy bastard.”

Sakamoto started to cackle. “You did, didn't you? But the time before that you couldn't walk yourself home.”

Gintoki hummed. Sakamoto's hand was slowing down, just teasing now. Gintoki worked past the odd emotion rising in chest all the way up his eyes. “Slow. Let's go slow.”

“Then we have to get these pants off you.” Sakamoto said, raising his head to kiss Gintoki, his hand sliding through the hair at the base of Gintoki’s head again. Gintoki opened his mouth, letting Sakamoto in, hungrily drinking in everything he gave him.

Sakamoto pulled his hand out from the front of Gintoki's pants, pulling him off the dresser onto his own two feet. Sakamoto shoved Gintoki's pants down his hips so they could drop to the floor, his hand returning to where it had been stroking. Gintoki moaned into their next kiss loud enough for Sakamoto to laugh.

“Eager today?” Sakamoto asked, breaking apart just long enough to rid himself of his own clothes. “Should talk about money more often.”

“Shut up.” Gintoki said.

With his pants and boxers off, Sakamoto pushed Gintoki back into the dresser, his mouth hot and wet against Gintoki’s own. He grabbed his thighs, hoisting him back onto the surface and Gintoki went eagerly.


“Hold on, baby.” Sakamoto laughed, pulling away, seeking out his jacket. He stripped off his shirt as he went. “I got everything we need right here, ready to go.”

“You were prepared.” Gintoki deadpanned, wondering – like every time they met – what this meant.

Gintoki didn’t have to wait long. Sakamoto pressed back up against him, giving him a gentle peck of the lips. Gintoki wrapped his legs around Sakamoto’s hips again, leaning back on the dresser. He could lean against the wall if he was eager, but it would be awkward enough that he didn't want the back pain later.

With a packet ripped open and a lubed up finger, Sakamoto stuck his hand between them, laughing into Gintoki’s kisses. “You tight?” He asked, his middle finger dancing over his destination. He pressed in slow regardless, kissing Gintoki breathless.

“You have no tact.”

Gintoki’s hands sunk into Sakamoto’s hair, his mouth seeking out Sakamoto’s warmth. Sakamoto laughed into their kisses until Gintoki was laughing too, one finger turning into three. Before Gintoki could get off on fingers alone, Sakamoto was pressing into him so hard he knocked the dresser back into the wall.

“-ma!” Gintoki’s head tilted back, eyes closed. Sakamoto didn’t hesitate to kiss his exposed throat, hands digging into Gintoki’s hips.

Sakamoto rocked into him once, twice, the pace slow despite Sakamoto’s eagerness. Gintoki tightened his hold on him, legs widening to let Sakamoto in. He panted into his ear, tilting his hips, one shoulder against the wall as the dresser began to rock with their tandem.

“I got this lube from a very sensual planet.” Sakamoto said, mouth on Gintoki’s ear. “Is it tingling?”

“It is.” Gintoki agreed, mouth trying to connect to Sakamoto's. “It really is.”

“You like it?” Sakamoto moaned, suddenly shifting his hips, pleased with his new angle. The dresser knocked into the wall. Gintoki wasn't sure which was louder, Sakamoto's voice or the sound of the wall breaking.

“Careful. You might come early.” Gintoki said, clenching the next time Sakamoto slid halfway out, increasing the pressure. Sakamoto gasped into his ear before giggling again, his next thrust harder.

“Least troublesome, you said.” Sakamoto laughed, a hand slipping between them to catch Gintoki in his palm. He gave him a nice firm stroke in revenge. “I’m calling bullshit.”

Gintoki moaned, both hands curling in the hair at the back of Sakamoto’s head, his elbows on Sakamoto's shoulders. “You’re bullshit.”

You’re bullshit.” Sakamoto laughed, kissing him.

“No, you are-” Gintoki lost his breath again, keening when Sakamoto slid in deep, bouncing off his inner walls. He shuddered, a shiver up his spine, eyes closing again at the overwhelming sensations. “Tatsu-”

“Right there?”Sakamoto asked, repeating the motion, gasping himself. “You’re so soft.” He pressed his face into Gintoki’s hair, laughing. “Soft and fluffy and cute and definitely my housewife.”

Gintoki was about to tell him off, but Sakamoto increased the pace, the dresser bouncing against the wall rapidly. At the back of Gintoki’s mind, he worried the whole ship could hear them as he moaned, Sakamoto’s hand jerking him to completion.

Gintoki’s orgasm was quiet, his head tilted back and mouth open. Sakamoto didn’t last much longer, finishing with an exuberant laugh right in Gintoki’s ear. They rocked together, mouths open and panting and struggling to kiss, Gintoki to first to come down from his high.

Panting, Gintoki leaned back against the wall, Sakamoto still bent over him breathless, his forehead to Gintoki’s shoulder. All Gintoki could see was a mop of curly brown hair. He snuck a hand into Sakamoto's hair like it was any different from his own.

“You’re heavy.” Gintoki muttered a moment later when Sakamoto had caught his breath. “Let me up, my back hurts.”

Laughing, Sakamoto straightened, pulling Gintoki off the dresser, laughing harder once Gintoki was swaying on his own two feet. He peeked around Gintoki's form, pointing at the dresser. “You left quite the nice print there.”

Gintoki glanced over his shoulder, catching his own sweat-soaked ass-print in the light. Gross. “You better clean that off.

“Ha ha! One day! This dresser is for my treasures!” Sakamoto laughed, pulling Gintoki across the room to the bed. “Round two?”

“It's not for your treasures, you dumbass, it's for your plants. And I’m old, give me a minute to recuperate!” Gintoki said with no real bite as Sakamoto dragged him down into the bed beside him. Gintoki flopped into the soft blankets, sinking into the heavenly mattress, an exhausted sigh leaving him. He was laying over Sakamoto’s bicep, Sakamoto’s hand immediately finding his hair.

After a quiet moment, Sakamoto asked, “Do you feel better now?”

Gintoki laughed, eyes closing. Of course he felt better, but it would only make him feel worse in the morning.

Sakamoto’s hand slid through his curls. “You know I’ll always come back.”

Gintoki didn't respond, eyes closing as he turned his face into the pillows. He was still wearing his shirt, contemplated taking it off. But it sounded like way too much effort.

After a minute or two, Gintoki almost dosing into sleep, Sakamoto rolled over to face him, hand still stroking through his hair. Gintoki cracked his eyes open at the movement, glancing up in exhaustion, wondering what the man had to say next. It was going to be about the money, wasn't it?

“You're gonna take my money.” Sakamoto said.

Gintoki's scoff turned into a laugh. He turned his face back into the pillow and shoved a hand blindly towards Sakamoto's eyes. He was not taking his money, and that was the end of it.

Laughing, Sakamoto caught Gintoki's hands, pushing them away. “One way or another, you'll end up with it! I promise! Maybe not physically, but it will be there!”

“How does that make any sense at all?” Gintoki asked, lifting his head again. “That doesn't make any sense.”

Sakamoto laughed, eyebrows waggling. “You'll see. Maybe you'll find a bill in your pillow? Maybe your old lady's mortgage will be paid off.” He said, bending down to kiss Gintoki's nose.

“The old lady doesn't have a mortgage, she's already paid off.”

“Well I can't leave my housewife broke with the kids while I'm away for months on end, now can I? Wouldn't want you warming the neighbor's bed, or I'd have to go over there and fight him.”

Gintoki snorted. “Well, if we're talking about cuckoldry-”

“Okay, maybe I wouldn't be able to fight him.” Sakamoto laughed. “But I would go over there and give him a real good scolding! Or offer him a three-way! Zura would be way too controlling in bed though, I'd have to assert my dominance.”

“What about my dominance?”

“You?” Sakamoto laughed, leaning over to press a lingering kiss to Gintoki's forehead. He didn't respond, but Gintoki could feel the smile against his forehead.

“Mmm, and then the angry one will get jealous and we'll have ourselves a reunion.” Gintoki said, moving the topic along, eyes closing again. “Listen, if you want round two we're gonna have to do it now before I fall asleep.”

“On it!”

Gintoki smiled. All his insecurities aside, he reminded himself that this was more than enough.