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A Dragonborns Craigslist Ad

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You swore that if you had to go to another family reunion you would scream into the void itself until your lungs were raw.

You loved your family -mostly- but after every meal sat down listening to them talk about how ‘disgusting those homosexuals’ are and how 'it's all just people wanting to be special and different, that’s all. A little hard work in the fields and they wouldn’t have any energy to be 'mentally ill!“ With the newest favorite topic being how 'those monsters’ were just Satan spawns and hell beings sent that were threatening their good ways! You finally had enough.

After browsing about online for a bit, trying to distract yourself from your own impending doom due to the stupidity of your own blood kin, you settled on looking at Craigslist, it always had some funny stories to tell when people tried to sell certain things. Soon enough you saw something that caught your eye.

”Need a date during the holidays that’ll piss off your family? Give me a free meal and I’ll pretend to be your long term S/O. Throw in a desert and I’ll get in a fistfight with your uncle in the front yard.“
It was just too good to be true. Seeing that whoever it was had left their number at the bottom of the post, you scrambled to grasp your phone and shoot off a message. "Hi, I saw your fake date ad and was wondering if you would be busy this Friday? Around 5-8 ish that evening? I can promise a big meal and I’ll personally buy you a dessert.” You sent it in your excitement before you began having second thoughts of you being too forward or even doing such a thing. When you received an almost instant reply though you calmed only a little.

“No problem! I gotta know how to piss them off though? Any specifics to their level of shit?"

"Eh, homophobic, racist, sexist, think that anyone not straight or human shouldn’t exist. Lots of yelling at kids, etc, etc, etc. You know, those kinds of people. ”

His response somehow seemed almost giddy after realizing what kind of people he would be able to fuck with. “Oh, this is gonna be one hell of a night! Alright, you got a deal. Now, cupcake, all I need you to do is make up a good story of how we met and let me know it before then along with where you want to meet beforehand on Friday.”

And so you both went back and forth for a bit before you had to call it a night. He said goodnight and that was the last you heard of him until Friday.


Friday came and went and before you knew it, it was time to go meet Falkor.

When you pulled up to the gas station though you realized that not once had you asked for a photo to see what the guy looked like so you knew who to look for. How stupid were you?! With a groan, you hit your head on your steering wheel and stepped out of the car. Not even looking up as you messaged him. “Hey, I’m here but I also have no idea how to look for you?” You didn’t get a text in response but you did hear someone clear their throat in front of you. You jerked your head up to see a Dragonborn standing in front of you.

Dark scales covered him, holding a dark blue sheen to them when he moved in the light. Two sets of horns, one tilting up, the other tilting down and a narrow muzzle lined with razor-sharp teeth that you could see when he spoke. He was roughly 7 feet at a minimum and even standing a few feet away from you he seemed to loom whether he realized it or not. He smiled and held a clawed hand out to you.
“Evening, jewel. Ready to go see your family?” His deep voice seemed so natural in calling you that.

It only took you a moment to take his hand with a smile and agree with enthusiasm.

Oh, they would hate him. Perfect.
Just as you thought when your “boyfriend” first ducked into your grandma’s home a collection of gasp and frightened faces were your sweetest reward. And who wouldn’t be intimidated? Falkor was a giant tank of muscle, scales, and as you learned, a love for shiny things.

He smiled giddily as he introduced himself as your boyfriend of 8 months going on 9. Keeping a hand on you at all times, gentle to not scratch you but firm in keeping you by his side. Holding your hand, wrapping an arm around your shoulders, guiding you with a hand on the small of your back, wrapping a tail around you, even at one point moving so you were sitting in his lap as he hugged you while you talked to your uncle. When no one was looking he leaned in close and whispered softly. “Is that the uncle you want me to fight later?” All you had to do was a nod.

Oh how quickly he made sure to shut down every sexist comment. Insult each attempt to bash any member of the lgbtqa+ community. Every racist comment earned a deep growl that almost made the room shake and the offender all but piss themselves.

On top of that through the entire night, he was sweet as could be to you. Calling you a plethora of pet names such as 'My gem, little love, sweetheart, babe, lamb, dear one, etc etc etc.’ quite the charmer he was with you and the younger children that didn’t have a mean streak in them but instead were excited to chase his tail or be picked up and held up high with laughs of delight much to the anger of their parents.

When your aunt pulled you aside and began to speak to you about 'that thing in there-’ she was quickly cut off as Falkor stepped behind you and pulled you against him with a deep purr. Leaning down to nuzzle against your cheek and glare at your aunt with deep glowing blue eyes. She left you alone after that.

Falkor was quick to keep everyone away from you when they decided to try and 'correct’ you. If you didn’t know better you’d have thought that he actually did like you. Or at least that he was having a blast.
The real kicker of the night was when everyone went to the porch with a cold drink as the sun went down and you all sat and talked. Everything was running smoothly aside from the occasional glare or hushed whisper of a parent saying that their child couldn’t go near you and Falkor.

But of course. Your uncle had started on his bullshit again.

Falkor was sitting on the ground with you leaning against his chest and between his legs, arms rested in your lap and head on top of your own. You could see his tail slowly curl around you and settle.
You didn’t even have to look to know that it was that uncle who began to speak.

“Now what I don’t get is why ol’ Jimmy got his ass whipped by a couple of pansies when all he was doin’ was talkin’. He wasn’t hurtin’ no one and it’s a damn right to be able to talk freely."
Falkor growled softly and huffed. His tail flicking in annoyance. Going quiet as you began to talk.

"The issue is that he was talking about Nazi principles. You know 'death to all Jews and homosexuals and romani people’ and so forth and so forth. He’s literally a Nazi I’m only sad I wasn’t there to punch him in his micro-dick myself.” You only felt Falkor shift so he was hiding his face against the back of your neck as he laughed.

Your uncle was only growing more and sourer though. “Now listen here, youngin. You go around sporting that rainbow shit- it ain’t no different. No one wants to see it from you, ya little hypocrite.” That’s when Falkor straightened up and began to growl and you fired back.

“… The difference between 'hey I’d like to live in a world where I’m allowed to exist without having to fight to live’ versus 'hey I want the death of all of these people because I don’t like them’ is so fucking different and if you can’t see that then your blinder than a bat with no eyes.” Your uncle stood up. You could then feel Falkor grow tense. You leaned back into him for comfort.

Your uncle managed to only make it 5 feet away from you and he didn’t even stand a chance.

Tackling your uncle right off the porch and into the yard. Falkor had him pinned down and raised one fist before striking it down on what you could only imagine was your uncle’s face. Doing so again and again as your family swarmed him trying to drag Falkor off only to be thrown off by a tail or an arm or a set of wings that were previously hidden.

He only stopped when you shouted his name.

Falkor turned back to you, still leaning over your uncle and looking truly pissed. Had he stopped acting at some point?

You made a 'come back’ gesture and his eyes softened. He turned back to your uncle and your family that was about to lunge at him again before slamming both hands down on either side of your uncle’s head and letting out the deepest and loudest roar you thought possible. Loud enough to make it feel like the porch was shaking for a solid 5 seconds before he leaped off of him. Now standing straight up in the dark and glaring daggers at your frozen family members.

He didn’t once stop growling as he walked over to you, helped you get up, and lead you away and to your car. He was gentle as he helped you get in and closed your door. Not slamming his own, not tearing or hitting the wheel. He just took a deep breath and began to drive out of the long driveway.

After 20 or so minutes of tense silence, you had grown worried. He stopped acting at some time during the night but when?


He hummed in response.

"Are you ok?"

No response.

"Well, we’re going to pass a dairy Queen up here so pull in, I haven’t bought you desert yet and you did just fight my uncle.” He only nodded in agreement.

After another 5 minutes you were pulling into the dairy Queen parking lot and he stepped out of the car. Leaning against the frame of it in deep thought.

You climbed out and walked over to him. Leaning against your car and settling right next to him. He wrapped an arm around you and was quiet for a few minutes before speaking. “Would he have actually hurt you?”

“I mean I don’t know, maybe, these are the people raided to think hitting a kid with a belt is normal punishment.” He only nodded in response and it was silent again for a few minutes.

“I’m… I’m sorry if I got carried away but holy shit your family is nothing better than the scrawny fish in a lake. You can’t use them for anything useful but they’re gonna make sure you know they’re there.” He turned down to you, trying to joke around and lighten the mood.

“I hear you. You got a little extreme with my uncle but I mean he deserved it. You didn’t really do anything wrong. Besides they are some scrawny fish." You both had a little laugh over it. Falkor dropped his arm and instead took one of your hands in his. His warmth radiating off of him.

"I know I said you owed me desert for the whole fight thing but how about I cut you a better deal hm?”

You nodded and he continued.

“What if we go in there. You pay for the desert still. But we call it a proper date. I mean your pretty fun and all and I don’t really want to go home and never get to see you again. That and tonight was the most fun I’ve had in a while, maybe next time we can just hit the streets punching anyone wearing Nazi symbols or shouting any shit."

You had to laugh at both your astounding luck and the idea of a human and a Dragonborn prancing around knocking down Nazis and such with smiles and ice creams.

"Alright, but next time, your buying desert.”