Work Header

Totally Edds

Chapter Text

A truck full of horse sperm exploded. The angels wept. Thots everywhere cried out in happiness. White thots, anyway. An unsuspecting victim of Peach Creek cried out two words in fear:

“Buttered Toast!”

The sperm covered Ed, causing him to freak out. As everyone in Peach Creek came out to see what happened, Ed ran up and hugged the first person he saw. That person happened to be Kevin. 

“I’m scared! Hold me, Kevin!” Ed yelled, hugging Kevin and getting horse semen all over him.

“Get off me, you dork! You’re all sticky!” Kevin yelled.

Ed refused to let go and hugged Kevin even harder. 

Kevin was now gay from so much sperm touching his body. Ed was already gay, so he was reverted to being straight.

Nazz suddenly walked by, covered in sperm.

“Oh god, I’m covered in sticky stuff!” Nazz yelled.

Kevin stared at Nazz in absolute gay horror. 

“Nazz! Oh no!”

Kevin ran up to Nazz and started to beat her. There was no way he could love a girl that was covered in sperm. That would be gay.

“You stupid dork! I’m not gay! IM NOT GAY!!!” Kevin screamed with a sexual fury.

“I am now black AND gay!” Ed stated proudly.

Edd and Eddy walked up to him, both also covered in sperm as well.

“Get real, Ed! I saw you looking at those big tittied furries earlier!” Eddy yelled.

“I didn’t need that many details, Eddy.” Edd replied.

“But one does have to wonder, how did all this sperm get here?” Edd asked.

Meanwhile, Rolf was drowning in a hole filled with sperm.

“Oh no, the hole I dug last week has a guy stuck in it!” Johnny yelled.

“Why did you dig it in the first place?!” Edd asked.

“I had Ed dig it so I could store my hentai DVDs in it!” Johnny butted in.

“HELP!! HELP!!!” Rolf yelled.

Ed picked Edd up by his collar.

“DOUBLE D WILL SAVE YOU!!” Ed screamed, hurling Edd in the pool of semen like a dumbass.

This didn't do anything to help since Edd immediately started to drown. 

“Oh no! I can't swim in sper— *Gags*.” 

Everyone watched in horror as Edd and Rolf drowned. No one had to stomach to save them… Well, no one except for…

THE LEGENDARY SUPER FAGGOTS! I mean, the Totally Spies!

The Spies then jumped in to help.

“Don’t worry, we’re completely used to swimming in semen!” The Spies yelled, jumping in to save Rolf and Edd.

They pulled Rolf out of the sperm pool, however, Edd was close to unconscious.

“Oh no, he’s out cold! I’ll have to give him a resuscitatory blowjob!” Alex yelled, pulling Edd’s pants down.

“I’ll work the balls!” Clover yelled.

“I’ll film it as a YouTube tutorial!” Sam added.

Alex began to suck Edd’s dick while Clover licked his balls, waking him up instantly.

“Gah! what are you DOING TO ME?!” Edd yelled.

“We’re resuscitating you! Hold still so we can finish waking you up!” Sam replied.

“You’re filming this?!” Edd yelled again.

“God, I wish that were me, Eddy.” Ed stated.

“I thought you were gay.” Eddy replied.


Kevin stopped beating Nazz and looked at Ed slowly.

“I AM NOT QUEER, YOU FAGGOT! You’re the queer one!!” Kevin yelled.

“Oh my god, shut the fuck up! Only queer guys yell that much!” Clover replied angrily. 

Kevin quickly went dead silent and resumed his slow descent into becoming White Chris Brown. Instead of Chris Brown, you got Kevin White. 

Despite this, the erotic display was sexy enough to distract everyone from the beating that Nazz was receiving. Truth be told, nobody really cared anyway.

Edd moaned as Alex gave him a deepthroat, while Clover continued to work his balls. Sam couldn't help but fantasize about Double D while filming. This made the footage very shaky and just good enough to be considered an artsy film. (It would later go on to make 20 million on opening night)

“Gee, Sarah, what are those ladies doing to poor Edd? Also, what are those bulges in their pants?! Girls aren’t supposed to have those! IM SCARED, SARAH!!” Jimmy asked.

“Don’t look, Jimmy!! SURRENDER, TRANSGENDER!!!” Sarah yelled.

Rolf finally recovered, and immediately got up at the sound of a person ignorant on the topic of sex. Rolf was extremely angered by this. 


Jimmy didn't respond, instead, he pissed his pants. He didn't even start crying, he just kinda stood there. Sarah wasn't sure what to do.

Jimmy was from a Christian family, so the thought of either sex or a transgender person was simply too much for him to bear. He then fainted, landing square in a huge puddle of horse sperm.

“Wake up Jimmy! It's ok! They’re just regular girls!”

Jimmy didn't wake up, and only slowly sank into the sperm.

“IM CUMMING, AHHHHHHHH!!!” Edd yelled, blasting his load inside Alex’s mouth.

“An angel just got its wings, Eddy!!” Ed added.

Eddy watched Edd orgasm, but not for sexual reasons.

“Wait a minute… I could have made money off of this! Why didn't I think to record it!?” Eddy yelled.

“Mmm…that tasted good.” Alex said, swallowing Edd’s cum.

“But did it taste like buttered toast?!” Ed asked.

Edd wheezed with exhaustion, he was so out of shape that even getting his dick ZUCCed was exhausting to him.

“I AM BEATING UP A THOT!!!” Kevin screeched.

Nobody cared, because Nazz always refused to give them the succ.

Jimmy had now sunk into the sperm, some air bubbles coming out of the puddle. No one cared except for Sara, who was frantically searching for him.

“Jimmy, where are you?! I should be the one covered in sperm, not you!!”  Sarah yelled.

Jimmy mumbled a few words, creating more air bubbles. 

“JIMMY!!!” Sarah yelled, jumping into the sperm pool like a dumbass.

“I’ve been violated!!” Edd yelled as Alex licked cum off her fingers.

“Whaaa? We were just saving your life with mouth to cock respiration, silly!”  Clover replied.

“I like black women now!” Ed yelled, a little too loudly.

“I like men now!” Edd yelled with a wheeze.

“We like men too!” Clover and Alex yelled.

“Wait a second! He said he likes men and not women! That means his brain is still lacking oxygen!” Sam yelled.


“No mommy, I don’t have any more milk…”  Edd said to himself before the Spies jumped on him.

“SOMEONE HELP ME!!!” Edd yelled upon seeing the Spies about to land on his crotch.

“Yes! YES! This is the moment that your life has been leading up to! DO NOT FIGHT IT, EDD BOY!” Rolf yelled, getting way too far into it.

“Camera! I need a camera! There's money to be made on this!” Eddy yelled while rummaging through other people's houses at SUPAHSANIC SPEEEEEEED… Or he was high on Heroin. One of the two, but I guess there’s no real telling which.

Eddy had done it at last. From witnessing such amazing sex, he had attained the powers of heaven and Semen Instinct. Oh wait never mind. That’s just the heroin kicking in.

The Spies then performed their lewd, crude and totally rude act on Double D. Clover grabbed his nutsack and started to gently massage it with her tongue. Sam and Alex (NOT the lion from Madagascar, you furry dickhead fuck nugget motherfucking ass… Jerks.) gently massaged Double D’s dongus with their mouths as well.

Double D began to feel really good around this time.

“Oh wow, you girls are good at this! This isn’t so bad after--”

Their attack then began. Clover began to suck Double D’s nuts like a fucking Hoover, while the other two created a metaphorical black hole from the gravity of the double succ.

“AIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!” Double D screeched as his genitals were brutally yet pleasurably ASSaulted by the Spies. 

Sam stopped succing for a second to tell the other girls something important.

“He’s screaming with joy! Let’s suck him off EVEN HARDER!”

Double D’s eyes grew to the size of sandwich plates upon hearing this. The nerves in his genitals were already overloaded, he couldn’t handle anymore without totally seizing up.

“Please no! Think of the children here--THAT BEING ME!”

Eddy could hear the pleasurably anguished cries of Double D and knew he had to find a video camera quickly. To his dismay though, every house he had checked so far had nothing to record with. The only house left was Rolf’s and Eddy was terrified of minorities… 

Or maybe it was because the cheap-ass heroin he had was just a syringe full of minority juice. (P.S. Minority Juice is a bunch of watermelons put into a blender.)

As Eddy entered the house, he dreamed of not just his Loli waifu being real, he dreamed of soaring. He dreamed of being one with the bitches and master of the hoes. But he needed one thing for that dream to come true, and that thing was… JAWBREAKERS.

Eddy began to fantasize a little too hard and felt his ding dong start to get erect. LIKE THE STATUE OF DAVID, HIS COCK WAS LIKE A ROCK. He started to sweat while fantasizing and layed down on Rolfs couch… Did we mention that he took his pants off? Because that's important. 

“Awww yeah… now my dreams will finally come true! My Loli waifu, my 72 virgins, and Bill Cos️by as my Templar ally!”

The excitement from Eddy’s delusions of grandeur overtook him, as he began to masturbate. Did we mention that Eddy doesn't wear underwear? Because that’s important. 

Eddy got so into the masturbation that he started to finger his asshole. Precum and ass-juice started to cover the couch. No sane person would never EVER use that couch again if they knew what was good for them. 

Just as Eddy was about to reach his climax, he was interrupted by a loud heavily accented yelling and thumping down the stairs.


As soon as Rolf interrupted Eddy, he was greeted by a surprise load of sperm to the face. Rolf got very pissed off from this. Eddy shit himself in fear, which meant he shit all over the couch. 


He proceeded to beat the shit out of Eddy with two pairs of shoes. He rotated between beating Eddy’s cock, balls, and face, in perfect sync. Eddy wanted to beg for mercy, but there could be no mercy with Rolf. 

He then threw Eddy through the living room window. Eddys body resembled a ragdoll as he hit the ground with a hard thud. As he opened eyes to try and recover, all he could see was the tainted couch crashing down on top of him. 

Eddy was still somehow conscious, though in horrible pain. This wasn't the end though, as Rolf walked out holding a gas can.


Rolf poured gas all over the couch, making sure no spot was left “unpurified”. Eddy could smell the gas but could do nothing about it. He could only accept his fate.

With no gas left, Rolf pulled out his weird foreign lighter. The lighter turned into a hookah and shot fire at the couch. Within seconds, the couch was more fire than couch. 

Eddy screamed in terror/pain/HE’S ON FUCKING FIRE! The old couch only took a few minutes of burning before it was reduced to ash. Eddy crawled out of the ash pile, looking blacker than a generic black joke.

“THIS IS YOUR PUNISHMENT, ED BOI!!” Rolf yelled again, his fury being like that of a hurricane. 

Eddy began to cry, with both pain and weariness.

“P-Please Rolf, I just wanted a video camer-a-a-a-a!!” Eddy pleaded. 

Rolf suddenly perked up.

“Well, why didn’t you say so, Ed Boi? Here you go!” Rolf said as he handed Eddy a video camera.

“Uh...thanks!” Eddy replied. He then crawled, hoping to avoid another beating from Rolf.

Meanwhile, Double D was still getting harshly succeed by the Spies. Even a Vietnamese hooker couldn’t suck as good.


Double D finally busted his nut and moan-screamed loudly while doing so, the Spies sucking out every drop of tasty ball-juice that they could.

Eddy finally managed to crawl his way back to the scene, video camera in hand.

“Oh man, I’m gonna make so much money off this!”

Hearing Eddy’s comment, the Spies suddenly got very suspicious.

“Why the hell do you want money from that, you fucking kike?” Alex asked. After all, black women were notorious for antisemitism. 

The Spies looked at him with death glares. Eddy knew that whatever was about to happen would end very badly for him.

“Okay, I’ll give you guys and/or gals depending on whether you have a penis TWENTY PERCENT!” Eddy yelled.

The Spies saw through his Jewish lies. They knew he worked for CNN. They just replied with a Sasuke-style death glare.

“Uhh...want a dollar?” Eddy said, pulling out a dollar. 

The Spies responded by dragging him by his feet to the middle of the cul-de-sac and beating the living shit out of him for everyone to see.

Eddy layed beaten and battered on the ground. Despite his inner Jew telling him not to, Eddy decided to give Edd a bigger cut.

"F-50%... Is that good?" The Spies gave him very sinister smiles.

"Oh no… More than that." Before Eddy could respond, the Spies dragged him up to a house. 

"Have you ever heard of… Cock and Ball torture?" Clover asked, clearly turned on. 

Eddy gulped as if he had just witnessed his dad undoing his belt.

“NO!! NO!!!” Eddy yelled as the Spies drug him into the house.

Before they shut the door, Alex gave everyone on the Cul De Sac death glares. They all wished that the horse sperm had never made the Spies go mad with sexual power… Or whatever the fuck is making them act like sexual abominations…

Alex continued to stare as she slowly closed the door.

While this was happening, Ed was attending Retard School. Ironic as it was, he was currently in Sex Education...

Chapter Text

Alex, Sam, and Clover had only begun their dirty game of persistent genital agony. And as Eddy was tied to a table, the Spies would play God with his dick n’ balls.

“‘John 3:16; For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.’ And as God created man, he, rather we can break them. And their genitals, so shall it be written in the holy book… Of Buttered Toast.” Alex said. She then closed her Bible dramatically, a loud clap echoing throughout the town.

The Spies then performed an epic stripper Panty and Stocking style transformation, going into their best latex bondage porno outfits.

These weren’t some cheap hookers. These were ADVANCED hookers.

"Alex. Sam. You two go make sure Sugar Daddy Double D is satisfied. I’ll take the first turn torturing Eddy. We’ll all rotate until he breaks…” Clover said with a Yandere face. None of the Doki Doki girls had shit on this hoe.

Sam and Alex gleefully ran outside, as Clover was greeted by Eddy pleading for her not to do any harm to him.

“Please stop! I’m a virgin..and a bleeder!!” Eddy screeched like a terrified ape.

“Good.” Clover very creepily said.

Eddy knew one thing for certain at this point. Hoes are crazy.

Clover attached a rope up to Eddy’s nuts and held her grappling hook in her hands. She readied her throwing arm, as she had practiced for the Major Leagues as a wee lass.

Eddy’s eyes opened a little, stopping his brace for impending pain.

“W-w-w-What are you gonna do with that??!” Eddy yelled.

Without a word, Clover began to throw the grappling hook.

“I’M A MINOR, STOP!!” Eddy screeched. 

Clover shot the hook out the window, the rope yanking on Eddy’s nuts. Eddy screamed in pain, feeling like his Crown Jewels were being ripped apart.

"You ready to give Double D 80%?" Clover asked.

Eddy’s eyes shot open.

"80%!? ARE YOU INSANE!?"

"...Have it your way."

Clover walked outside, leaving Eddy with his swollen nuts. He wasn't alone for long though, as Sam walked in. She had a look of complete frustration on her face. 

"You fucking asshole! Thanks to you, Alex got HER mouth filled with cum, while I have to come over here and punish you!"

Sam went right up to Eddy's swollen nuts and repeatedly punched his sensitive nuts. Eddys eyes filled with tears, as each punch delivered more pain. With a little Sugarshane Mosley and a little Muhammad Ali, she pummeled Eddy’s poor nutsack with the fury of a thousand hurricanes.

"UNCKLE!!! UNCKLE!!! PLEASE!!! 70%!? 70!!!"

Clover said nothing and contained punching. Eddy pleaded and begged, but Clover refused to stop. This continued for five minutes until Clover finally let up.

"70% is NOT good enough…"

Clover walked out and slammed the door shut. Eddy used this brief time to cry to himself. His balls had already been through the worst pain of their lives. The worst part though, he knew it wasn't the end yet. 

Alex happily walked up to the house, already proud of the load she got from Double D. 

"I should make this quick. Can't leave Sam and Clover alone with Double D for too long. I know I can make him cum again!”

Alex was in a relatively happy yet still ever so sadistic mood. She grabbed a bundle of mousetraps from the garage and went in to see Eddy.

“Hey there, Jew-Boy. You ready for some more punishment?!” Alex yelled.

“I’m not Jewish, I swear! I’m just very, very greedy!!” Eddy yelled, still in pain. 

His eyes turned to the size of dinner plates as he saw Alex’s bundle of mousetraps.

“WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO ME????!!” Eddy screamed.

“You’re asking the world a faulty question, while I carry a not-so-faulty weapon. Your question should be...what am I NOT going to do to you?” 

Eddy looked on in shock as Alex placed a mousetrap square on his ding dong, one on his left but and one to grow on for his right nut.

“If you thought that last method hurt, this one will be EXCRUCIATING,” Alex said.

She set off the traps, getting a cartoonish bellow of pain from Eddy. 


That wasn't the end though, as Alex put another trap up to the head of Eddy’s penis. He didn't notice this, as he was in way to much pain. Alex decides to get his attention.

"You know…"

Eddy looked down at her, and his eyes immediately turned to the size of bowling balls.

"...There's a reason it's called COCK and ball torture!"


“WAAAAAAAAAAARGH!” Eddy screamed. 

Alex gave more than a few smacks to the traps and rustled it around, increasing the pain Eddy was enduring. 

She would have loved to stay longer, but the thought of getting another load from Double D was too much for her. She couldn’t possibly resist.

"Well I already know you are going to say something like 75% or something, so Clover is going to come back in. Ok bye!"

Eddy couldn't even begin to try and respond. The pain was too much. 

"...By the way, Clover won't be happy." Alex quickly said, before closing the door.

 Clover kicked the door down, looking extremely pissed off.

“WHO’S READY FOR PEEHOLE TORTURE!?!” Clover yelled, pulling out a skinny metal coat hanger. 

She bent it so the metal was shaped in a straight line. 

"Ohhh, it's much worse than you're thinking!" Clover yelled, with an evil look on her face. 

She pulled out a lighter and began snickering crazily, lighting the former half of the hanger until it was bright red. Eddy was about to feel like he was in Hell… Oh wait, he basically was. 

Without a second thought, she shoved the red hot coat hanger up Eddy’s urethra. Shoving the hanger up and down, Clover put Eddy’s penis through hell and back.


“And now for that ass!” Clover yelled.

“My...ass?!?” Eddy looked down to see that he was literally about to get a pole up his butt.

As if Clover was playing pool, she shoved the rod up his rear like a groundhog… Yes, a groundhog.


The pole hit Eddy’s prostate, causing him to have an ass orgasm as he still screamed in pain.

Clover pulled the pole out, satisfied with her job as a mistress.

“I think my work here is done. Sam, you mind taking over?”

Sam came into the room, wearing full out SWAT armor.


Sam set up some targets next to Eddy’s nutsack and pulled out a semi-automatic weapon.

“I have experience from House of the Dead, bitch-boy. You ready for the rubber gun trainee ritual?” Sam asked.

She took cover behind a mattress and pulled out a clip full of rubber bullets.

“I’M BEGGING YOU! STOP!!” Eddy yelled.

“Didn’t Double D once ask you to stop as well? But you did it anyway! You used him for a scam!!” Sam replied.

Before Eddy could respond, Sam shot him in the nuts with a rubber bullet.

Eddy’s face scrunched up, then after a few seconds, he finally released a deafening screech of genital-related agony.

“And now it’s TIME FOR THE TORTURE!!!” Sam said with a smile.

Sam’s gun let out a “POP! POP! POP! POP! POP! POP!”; Eddy howling in pain with each shot. 

After a few more magazines and much screaming, Sam realized she had no bullets left.

“Oh rats, I’m out of ammo...Alex babe, it’s your turn!” Sam said with a smirk.

Alex came inside with a weapon of mass destruction.

“Hey, Jew-Boy? You want some GAMER GIRL BATH WATER??” Alex asked with a smile of pure evil.

This time Eddy didn’t scream in pain, but in pure terror.


Alex held the container up to Eddy’s mouth.

“Oh I’m crazy, am I? I’LL SHOW YOU CRAZY!!” Alex yelled.

“OKAY, OKAY! YOU CAN HAVE 80%, JUST STO-O-O-OOOOP!!!!!” Eddy said, beginning to cry like a bitch during painal.


Eddy didn't even consider rejecting this new deal. 


"..........Ok, but only because you now know I can use this on you if you go against us again."

Eddy gave a sigh of relief. At Least, for now, his torment was over. Just as he was about to celebrate though, Alex started to pour gas all over Eddy. 


Alex had a match in her hand and dropped it on Eddy. As he went up in flames, Alex ran out of the house. Outside, she saw that Edd had passed out from all of the orgasms. 

"Oh no! Looks like Double D is ready for a nap!" 

Clover pulled Double Ds dick out of her mouth to respond.

"You're right! Let's get him to bed! Like good housewives would!"

The girls daydreamed about being Daddy Double D’s housewives and servants for his little ‘Double D’ for a moment, before taking him to his house. 

Everyone else in the Cul-de-sac was more focused on the smoke coming out of the house Eddy was in. Finally, Eddy ran out screaming while ablaze, freaking everyone out.

“Let us ignore the autistic one, fellow shepherds!” Rolf said way to calmly.

“DOOOOOOOORKS!” Kevin yelled from the distance.

Unbeknownst to the dorks and Kevin alike, the Retard School was on a manhunt. Ed had broken out and was on a quest for revenge against Kevin.

Chapter Text

Double D woke up to hear church bells, and Ed poorly singing a chorus. 

“O’ Holy Buttered Toast which represents our combined minds and souls, let the butter on your cooked bread represent the sperm of Jesus!” Ed preached, dressed up in an old church outfit. Said church outfit was a pair of ass-less chaps. 

Double D tried to move, only to discover that he was tied to a cross and wearing nothing but a loincloth, a very itchy crown of thorns and a $2.99 fake beard. He looked around and realized he was in Eddy's room.

“May the three fragments of God’s heart bless you all; O’ Holy Buttered Toast, this chicken in my underpants, and Rolf’s pet goat Victor!” Ed preached. 

A chicken squawked and ran out of Ed’s pant leg.

"Ed!!! Stop singing about buttered toast!!!" Eddy screamed, like a mother asking to see the manager. 

"That is a buttery sin, Eddy."

As if on cue, lightning came through an open window. Eddy was lit up with the fury of ten million weed stashes, lighting him up like a disturbing sparkler.

“No Mr. Cosby, I did not kill Kennedy…” Eddy said, cartoonishly dizzy. 

He slapped himself awake and let off a resonating screech.


“I’ve been violated enough already, I don’t want to test Ed’s homosexuality too!” Double D yelled.

“SILENCE! Here comes the Virgin Maries!” The Spies said in unison, revealing themselves to be wearing cave girl outfits.

“Oh NO! The scientific prowess of paleontology is my biggest turn-on!” Double D yelled.

“Hey, what’s with the lewd cavewoman getup?! I thought you girls were supposed to be nuns!” Eddy yelled. 

The Spies replied with a stern look, shutting Eddy up immediately. 

"I'm sorry! Please, I won't question you again!" 

The spies smiled.  Donning skimpy loincloths and small bras, the Spies set off to unvirginate Double D’s Christian Cock.

Double D was about to beg for mercy but remembered that lightning had struck through an open window. To his horror, Rolf was watching through the window with a really weird look on his face. 

“ED! EDDY! DO SOMETHING!!!” Double D yelled.

Ed took a look at a stolen Taco Bell menu and shrugged.

“Rape is not a sin in the Book of Toast, Double D.” Ed replied.

“At least close the window so nobody can see!” Double D yelled again. 

Meanwhile, Rolf was getting more and more turned on by the sight in front of him. 

“What goes on in Sockhead Ed Boy’s House of Thottery? Will Rolf have to use his little meaty friend once more today?!” Rolf said, climbing up Eddy’s window.

“No way, Sockhead! It’d get way too hot in here!” Eddy yelled.

“Isn’t that the point?” Clover asked.

“Hello, Ed boys! Many windows, yes?” Rolf said as he stood on the windowsill.

“EEEEEEEDDYY!!!!” Double D yelled.

“Pipe down Sockhead, I’m getting the camera rea—AAAAAHHHHH!! What the hell, Rolf?!” Eddy yelled as he noticed Rolf’s giant cock hanging out.

“Rolf’s meaty warrior requires nourishment, Ed Boy! Care to watch as Rolf delivers the almighty Shepherd’s beating to his meat?” Rolf asked.


Rolf began to beat his meat at speeds previously thought impossible.

“Fapping butter goes best with three cups of windowsill!” Ed replied, grabbing hold of the window.

Ed slammed the window down on Rolf’s wiener, eliciting a scream of pain. It looked as if Rolf was singing opera from the other side of the soundproof glass. 

Double D breathed a sigh of relief.

“Thank you, Eddy.”

“You’re welcome, Sockhead. Now let’s get this porno started!” Eddy yelled as he whipped out the video camera. 

"Wait wh—OHH NOO!" Double D yelled, remembering what was in store for him. 

"Alright girls, initiate the triple sexy milking technique we worked on!" Clover ordered.

"Oh boy! All that practicing we did on Double D will finally pay off!"

Double D was scared, but also confused.

"What do you mean you practiced on me!?"

Sam looked up at him while the other two pulled his loincloth off.

"Don't worry, we practiced while you were asleep!"

Ed assisted with top tier recording equipment.

“EEEEEEEDDYYYYYY!!!!!” Double D screeched, about to be violated once more.

“Ah, ejaculation! The butter of life!” Ed exclaimed. 

Eddy got pissed off at Ed, as usual.

“ED! Will you quit preaching about ‘butter’?!” Eddy yelled. 

Ed shook his head with disappointment. 

“This is your second sin, Eddy. I’d advise that you do not disrespect the butter again.” Ed replied.

This response only angered Eddy more. Before Eddy could reply, however, the hairs on his head spontaneously caught on fire.

“AHHH!!! WHY DO I KEEP GETTING SET ON FIRE!?!?” Eddy yelled in fiery pain.

Eddy quickly put the fire out with his hands. Though he didn't have much hair, the damage done to his head was very visible. 

“The punishment is not over yet, Eddy. You must learn the hard way now.” Ed replied.


Music could be faintly heard in the distance. All of a sudden a group of Templars kicked open the door, Christian metal blasting as they broke in. Before Eddy could scream with surprise, they started beating the shit out of him. The Spies and especially Double D were very surprised, but Sam got an idea.

“Uh...hey guys, since our “friend” is getting beaten up, we’ll just have to suck the miracle juice out of Jesus’ cock!”

“In hopes that Jesus will help our ‘‘‘friend’’’ heal up nicely!” Alex added.

“I’M IN TERRIBLE PAIN!” Eddy yelled. 

A Templar riding a horse ran in, beginning to trample Eddy. The trampling wasn't meant to go on as long as it did, but the horse didn't want to stop.  Even the horses didn’t like him now.

“Take that, you fucking heathen!” The horse yelled. 

The Templars struggled to control him for a bit, so they just let the horse do its thing.

“Since when do horses talk?” Clover asked.

“I don’t know, but Double D’s got a horse-sized cock!” Sam replied.

“ACKUCHAYLLY, my cock is NOT the size of a horse’s, it is only 5.6 inches, that being the average size for Canadian men!” Double D commented.

“You’re so smart, Double D! Now, share that wisdom with us!” Alex said as she reached for Double D’s Double D. 

Eddy ran for his life from the horse, but still had time to get pissed off.

“It’s JESUS, NOT DOUBLE D!” Eddy yelled.

“The Holy Butter clearly dictates that is, in fact, Jesus, not this Double D of which you speak. NOW GET TO THE SEX SEX TIME!” Ed yelled. 

The horse chased Eddy out of the room. The rest of the Templars followed behind. 

“Now then, prepare yourself, my lord!” The Spies said at once, beginning to suck Double D--I mean Jesus’ cock and balls.


Ignoring the lord thy Double DeJesus’ pleas for help, the Spies continued to slurp and suck.

“I feel funny, guys…” Double D said half-drunkenly. Letting out a moan as the Spies deepthroated his holy meat. 

Clover didn't take her mouth off of his cock until he finally came. She happily slurped down the cum, making sure no cum accidentally dripped out. With one last galp, she finally let off of the cock. 

“Now we have to RIDE THE LIGHTNING!” Alex yelled. She stroked Double D’s cock until it was hard again, then rode him cowgirl-style, grabbing onto the back of the cross to prop her up.

“It’s high noon, Double D! Huh huh!” Ed said with a stupid laugh. 

After a short while of screaming and moaning, Double D came inside Alex. Alex hopped off his cock, and smiled as she felt his sperm leaking out.

“Now it’s my turn!” Sam yelled, putting on a cowboy hat. She bent over and slammed her asshole onto Double D’s cock as if being mounted.

“This feels WEEEEEEEIRD!!” Double D screeched.

“You must fuck her in the ass, for she is showing her love to Jesus!” Ed preached. 

Loud clapping and slapping could be heard echoing across the house as Sam began to decimate the Savior’s dick via rectal pleasure.

“Ungh!! Stop it, for the love of humanity!!!” Double D said, holding in more sperm.

“For the love of humanity, you must--UNGH!--make us bear your children!” Sam yelled.

“You must run away after this Double D, for these holy thots be wilin’!” Ed exclaimed, pulling out a giant organ to play a Christian orchestra on.

“AAAAHHHHHHH!!” Sam yelled with pleasure as Double D shot another load inside of her. 

She slowly pulled her butt off of his dick, as there was one more Spy who wanted the lord’s meaty redemption.

As if God had planned it out himself, Ed perfectly timed a blast of organ music to Double D’s org(an)asm. Double D passed out, and like clockwork, Eddy returned. Eddy slammed the door behind him, having finally escaped the horse’s Christian fury.


In the meantime, the Templars were having a barbecue. They figured they’d doled out enough justice for one day.

“Tsk tsk, Eddy. That’s strike three. You know what happens now.” Ed replied. 

Eddy realized he fucked up. With a flash of light, the Butter God came crashing through the rooftop. She or he looked oddly like Astolfo from the Fate series.

Butter Astolfo’s eyes glowed crimson red, with bloody rage.

“You have sinned, my child. Prepare to feel the pain of the World’s Rectal Catastrophe.” Butter Astolfo said, taking its clothes off to reveal a massive horse-like cock. 

Eddy tried to run away, but Butter Astolfo caught him by his collar.

“Owari da.” Butter Astolfo said in weeb-speak, teleporting itself and Eddy into the bathroom. 

Butter Astolfo bent Eddy over forcefully and shoved its buttery cock into his anus. Eddy cried out for mercy, even though he knew he would get none. The sounds of Eddy’s pained screaming gave Alex an idea.

“Let’s record this and send it to! We have just enough room in the camera’s storage!” Alex said loudly. 

The rest of the Spies and Ed nodded in agreement and rushed to the bathroom to film Eddy’s ass torture.

“I’M A VIRGIN, STOP!!” Eddy yelled.

“Not anymore.” Butter Astolfo replied. 

Butter Astolfo thrust itself inside Eddy’s anus harder and harder until finally, the Butter of Life squirted all over his intestines.

Butter Astolfo pulled its dick out and stretched with satisfaction.

“Please do not do this again. You know what will happen, I assume.” Butter Astolfo said.

The Spies stopped recording and all laughed.

“This was fun! Let’s do it again sometime!” Clover exclaimed.

“Yeah! We should make Eddy our butt-slut more often!” Alex replied.

“Not tomorrow, fellas. I have a date with MINISTRY!” Ed yelled, blasting the organ once more. 

Eddy laid on the ground, utterly defeated and losing consciousness. As the Spies and Ed were walking out the door, Alex realized she had forgotten something very important. She rushed back into the house and bitch-kicked Eddy in the crotch for good measure. Then she grabbed Double D’s unconscious body and took him home.

To be continued..lewdly and crudely….

Chapter Text

Things get Lewd and Crude

Hours later Double D awoke to being naked, lying in a makeshift wrestling ring. He jumped up as he heard a deafening hype montage play. At first, he thought he was stuck in an Ali-A Fortnite let’s play, but he was very wrong.

“ALRIGHT DOUBLE D...ARE YOU READY TO DO SOME POUNDING??” Clover yelled, wearing a wrestling mask with a skimpy leotard.

“IN THIS CORNER, CLOVER, THE BLONDE BOMBSHELL!” Eddy yelled, revealing himself as the announcer.

"I hope you're ready for my special move Double D! I guarantee it's going to leave you breathless!" 

Clover meant this very literally. She dove on top of Double D and wrestled him to the ground, into a 69 position.

“H-HEY!! Get off of me, you craZY—EEP!!” Double D yelled, Clover, putting his balls in a headlock using her mouth.

“HEY!! The match hasn’t even started yet!” Sam yelled, pulling Clover off of Double D.

“NOW the match starts!” Sam yelled.

Clover bitchslapped Sam across the asscheeks.

“Back off! Don’t make me lick your pussy!” Clover screamed.

“Don’t make me French kiss your asshole!” Sam yelled. 

Clover blushed a bit, then grabbed her by the titty and pulled her aside. The two proceeded to have lesbian argument-sex. Yay?

“Ah finally. A moment of...PEACE?!” Double D yelled, seeing a very muscular, naked Alex.

“Why are you naked...AND WHY ARE YOU SO IN SHAPE?!” Double D ask/screamed. His question was drowned out by a very loud rendition of the Pillar Man theme.

"Yeah what's going on!? This wasn't in the-"

Before Eddy could finish, Alex cut him off. 


Eddy went silent and slowly made his way to the announcer table. Ed was in one of the seats, still dressed up in his Buttered Toast priest outfit. 

"ED! You're supposed to be an announcer!" Eddy yelled.

“I cannot break my oath to Buttered Toast.”

Eddy was very annoyed by this.

“Ed!!! I told you we need to stay in character for Double Ds pornos!!! It’s already hard enough dealing with these stupid bimbos!!!”

The Spies then got very pissed off. Alex pressed her finger against Eddy’s chest.

“What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words.” Alex said, getting more angry with Eddy by the second.

Eddy starred in absolute fear.

"I-I didn't mean it! I’m just sick of Buttered Toast!!!" 

Alex didn't respond and just simply threw him out of the ring. He landed head first on the announcer table, stunning him.

"No, Anne Frank, I didn't put my penis in the peanut butter…" Eddy dizzily said as he stood back up. 

With Eddy taken care of, Alex directed her attention back to Double D. Sam and Clover, on the other hand, continued their very very angry lesbian argument. 

“MUSCLE PUSSY ATTACK!” Alex yelled, head locking Double D out of nowhere. 

"AHHH!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" Double D yelled as pussy started to cover her face.

"I'm cutting your oxygen off silly! It will make your orgasm so much better!!!" 

Alex then turned around and did a 69 position, turning her attention to Double D’s penis. She squeezed his balls a bit while beginning to suck his dick.

“Hey, he’s not getting hard!” Eddy yelled.

"That tends to happen when you have as many orgasms as Double D has." Ed commented.

"...You're not supposed to be the smart one here, Ed!!!" Eddy yelled, feeling kinda insecure from Ed's random burst of intelligence. 

“Well, I can fix that right up! I swiped some Viagra from good ol’ Kevin E. Leven!” Alex said as she pulled out a pill bottle and force-fed Double D a few tablets.

“I took some of those once, Double D! My pants wiener still has not gone down!” Ed commented with a stupid laugh.

Alex began playing with Double D’s Double D again, making him grunt with guilty pleasure.

“Well folks, it looks like—" Eddy suddenly noticed Sam and Clover’s lesbian argument was escalating even more. 

"You stupid bitch! You orgasmed right in my mouth! that's fucking gay!" Sam yelled. As she continued to finger Clover. 

"You're getting mad at ME!? You're the one who just urinated all over MY hand! Now I have to lick it up!!!!" 

"HEY, what are you two doing in the corner??! Nobody wants to see lesbian—”

All of a sudden, Eddy’s eyes turned into dollar signs.

“And in THIS corner…LESBIAN WRESTLING!!” Eddy yelled, focusing the camera on Sam and Clover.

“IT’S A CLEAN MATCH, SAM JUST...eeeeww…” Eddy exclaimed as Sam and Clover began pissing on each other.

"Girls are weird Eddy. Their pink helmeted warriors are on the inside." Ed added. 


“Oh wow, Little Double D went Double Doo Doo in his Double Diaper!” Alex commented.

Eddy was rendered speechless.

“Uh oh! Looks like she used poopy woopy diaper move on Double D! That’s what ended the Rock’s wrestling career!” Ed commented.

After remaining silent for a few more moments, Eddy started to turn red.


“I’m sorry Eddy, but only one person knows the way of Buttered Toast.” Ed commented.

“Where is he?!! I can’t see him!! AND STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR STUPID BUTTERED TOAST!!!” Eddy yelled, getting more frustrated.

Suddenly a deafening noise surrounded the ring.

“AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!” A random announcer yelled. 

John Cena then rushed into the ring, wearing a buttered toast-themed t-shirt (and nothing else).

“WABBADOOOO!!” Cena yelled, piledriving Eddy into the announcer table.

“E-E-ED!!! STOP HIM!!!” Eddy pleaded.

“Sorry Eddy, but you know what happens when you insult Buttered Toast.”

Cena proceeded to pick Eddy up and knee him in the stomach. Before Eddy could even think about recovering, John Cena slammed his knee into Eddy’s face, giving the boy reminders of his fish battle with Rolf.

“Wow! I haven't seen John Cena this worked up since the time someone switched his ball cream with ball steroids!” Jerry the King Lawler commented, random sitting next to Ed.


“Oh WATCH OUT WATCH OUT WATCH OUT!!!” Jerry yelled, as John Cena flipped backward and slammed Eddy on his head.

“I must say, Jerry, Eddy kinda deserves this for insulting Buttered Toast.” Ed Added.

“You said it, Ed! And look there, Cena just—OOOOHHHHHH!!! THE EXECUTIONER!!” Jerry commented as Cena head locked Eddy and smashed him flat.

“Please STOOOOP!!” Eddy yelled.

 Cena grabbed him by the ankles and spun him around, slamming him into the side of the ring. As Eddy dizzily got to his feet, Cena got ready to do his finisher.

“OHHH LOOK ED LOOK! HE’S GOING FOR THE ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT!!!” Jerry yelled, sounding like he was ready to orgasm.

In that very moment, John Cena lifted Eddy over his shoulders and slammed him as hard as he could on the ground below. The slam was so hard that Eddy went crashing through the ring. 

“THAT’S IT!!! THIS MATCH IS OVER!!! JOHN CENA IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!!” Jerry yelled, orgasming all over the destroyed announcer table. 

“I knew he would win, he is a follower of Buttered Toast after all.” Ed added.

John Cena walked around his ring with a very proud look on his face. Eddy had stopped moving but he’s probably still alive… Definitely.

“Well Ed, that was one hell of a match! Now let’s see how Alex and Double D are doing.”

The camera cut to a massive scar orgy, and the Spies Force-feeding Double D laxatives.


“The soccer moms would be very upset with this, Jerry!” Ed said with a stupid laugh.

Eddy would have commented, but he was too appalled… And unconscious. 

“Awww! Baby Double D’s Diaper Wiper is full! Out it goes!” Alex said as she tossed the full diaper on Eddy’s head.

The smell woke Eddy up, making him scream with fear as shit got all over him.


Eddy then passed out from a lack of oxygen. Remember kids, don’t scream for too long.

John Cena vomited on himself with pure disgust.

“Y’all are freaks! I’m getting out of here!!” Cena yelled as he ran out of the ring and house.

“The WWE has taken a very weird turn lately…” Jerry said.

“I don’t know Jerry, my pants Weiner still hasn't gone down. As a matter of fact, it is bigger now!” Ed added.

Jerry didn’t respond and simply watched as Clover delivered a pussy driver to Sam, knocking her out.


“This fight is my pants wiener’s favorite one, Jerry!” Ed said with a bulge in his pants.

The camera pans over to a completely naked and piss covered Clover heroically standing over Sams defeated and ‘juice’ covered body. 

Just as Clover was about to make a victory speech, a familiar voice could be heard.

“HEY DORKS!!!” A very pissed off Kevin yelled. 

“I KNOW YOU STOLE MY VIAGRA!!!!!” Kevin yelled again, this time pointing at the Spies.

“Whaaaat? Little old us, stealing such lewd...things?” Clover said with a shrug.

“What-EVER! You dorks are even worse than that dingus Double D!” Kevin shouted, speeding away on his bike.

Clover and Alex got very mad from Double D being insulted.

“What the FUCK did he just say about our man?!” Clover and Alex said simultaneously.

“Well folks, Kevin there just made the worst decision imaginable!” Jerry commented.

“In the name of Buttered Toast, Kevin shall be punished by the forces of good! A-huh huh!” Ed exclaimed.

“We have to get that little fucker now…” Clover said with a grimace.

“Yeah… But first, we need to play porno puppets with Double D and Sam's unconscious bodies!!!”

“I’ll stick my fingers in Sam and use her as a ventriloquist sex doll!” Alex added.

Alex scooped up their bodies and carried them inside for some fun fun time. Clover giggled like a schoolgirl as she followed behind with the camera.

“Well folks, thanks for watching another exciting episode o- ...Wait, John Cena was my ride home! How am I going to get out of here?” Jerry the King pondered.

Chapter Text

Kevin felt a very weird sense of unease as he rode home.

“I dunno why, but those fem-dorks give me the shivers…I’m just glad to be home.”

Kevin walked up to his house and very slowly locked the door. He was very afraid, as he should be. Kevin swore he heard Friday the 13th music as he locked his door.

Meanwhile, Alex and Clover were hosting a ventriloquist show. Clover had her fist and hand up Sam’s vagina, using gadgets to work her limbs in every direction.

“I guess you could say I’m a very wooden actor!” Clover mimicked. 

Alex was doing the same thing for Double D, except she didn’t have her hands up his ass. They would never violate Double D in that way unless they thought for sure he was gay.

“You are not made of wood! You are made of flesh! Now slurp my peepee!” Alex mimicked.

Suddenly Sam woke up. She quickly realized something was wrong.

“HEY! Where am I and why do you have your hands up my butt and vajayjay?!?”

“I mean hey, you’re not the first person we molested in their sleep.” Alex replied.

“ZOOP BOP SHOO-BOO-DOO WOP!” Clover yelled, dancing like the Cosby Show intro.

Sam had no good argument against this so she didn’t respond.

“Yeah, we're just playing a bit of Porno Puppets before we enact our revenge against Kevin for insulting Double D!” Clover added.

Sam was about to respond, but she had a question.

“I, uh, what was that about Double D?” Sam asked.

“That bastard Kevin insulted him and called him stupid!!” Alex yelled.

Sam's right eye started to twitch.


“What? Alex asked.

“...I dunno. Let’s just get the fucker.”

Kevin was very on edge in his house, holed up in his room. He knew something bad was about to happen. 

The Spies had cut a hole through Kevin’s rooftop and were entering the living room FBI-style. Kevin’s mom saw them.

Kevin’s mom ran across the living room screaming, only to be tackled and tased by Clover. She then tied up Kevin’s mom, hoping for some super fun fun milfy time later.

“I’m into lesbian stuff too you know! Yeah, I just went there, I’m fucking your son’s mom!!” Clover yelled maniacally.

“WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!??!” Kevin’s mom yelled.

Kevin’s dad came downstairs holding a beer. All of a sudden he noticed a lesbian brawl between his wife and three whacked out lesbian latex sisbros.

“I’m too drunk for this shit.” Kevin’s dad said to himself.

Out of nowhere, Sam pepper-sprayed Kevin’s dad and pile drove him into the wall.

“Sam, be careful! These guys aren’t black, you know!” Clover commented.

Alex very slowly looked over with disgust.

Before Alex could start calling Clover any racial slurs, Sam pulled out a PP2000.

“HEY KEVIN HART, GET THE FUCK OUT HERE! Before I Sandy Hook your motorcycle!!” Sam yelled.

Kevin got PTSD from hearing this. He already endured the ‘Uzi in the classroom’ incident, he couldn’t handle another shooting. Regardless this was hypocritical, as he was very used to shooting loads on Nazz’s face.

Alex pulled Kevin’s motorcycle in from the garage. Clover suddenly went fucking berserk and ripped the weapon out of Sam’s hands, pumping the entire clip into Kevin’s bike.

Alex got very angry at clover for this.

“You stupid bitch! We were supposed to threaten Kevin with that!”

“I have a lot of pent up stress, okay? Besides, no way he’s coming down on his own. He’s not that stupid.” Clover replied.

Kevin out a loud gasp upon seeing his, uh...hole-y bike.

“You...YOU GIGADORKS!” Kevin yelled.

“That’s not even a word!” Sam yelled.

Kevin didn’t respond, instead, he just screeched with rage and threw a punch at Clover. Sam wasn't having any of that shit.

"Oh, Hell no queer boy!" 

Sam pulled her pepper spray can out and pointed it directly at Kevin's face. Kevin froze up almost instantly upon noticing the spray.

"Wait no! Not the face!" Kevin yelled while covering his face.

The girls exchanged evil smiles. 

"Whatever you say, Kevin…" The spies creepily said in unison. 

Clover pulled his pants open, while Sam got ready to spray. Kevin instinctively tried to hit them away, but Alex grabbed his hand before he could. 

"Saaaayyyy… FUCK!!!'

Sam stuck the can close to Kevin’s crotch and sprayed, getting pepper spray all over his balls and penis. Kevin squirmed around and yelled like a chimpanzee, accidentally wedging the can up his ass. Pepper spray then got sprayed inside his anus, eliciting a scream of pain.


Kevin then yanked the rest of his clothes off and ran around the room screaming.

"OMG!!! Why didn't we think to stick the spray can in his ass sooner?" Clover gleefully asked.

“HEY! He’s getting away!!” Sam yelled.

Thinking quickly, Alex hurled the can of pepper spray at Kevin’s swollen, easily targetable, low hanging nuts. Kevin went down instantly and started clutching his crotch in pain.


The strike to his nuts caused him to lose his footing and fell to the ground below. Sam rushes up and kicked him in the nuts again for good measure.

“DORKS!” Kevin wheezed again.

Alex and Clover grabbed Kevin by his ankles and dragged him to the center of the living room. Sam stepped on his nuts and gave the other two orders. 

"Clover, I need you to go grab Kevin's nicest clothes, and bring them here."

She pushed down on Kevin's nuts a little harder and turns her head towards Alex.


"Alex sweety, I need you to set up the tickle machine."

Kevin’s eyes widened.

“Tickle machine?! What are you stupid femdorks gonna do to me!?”

Robotic arms suddenly strapped Kevin down to a bed-like device. Alex yanked his shoes off. 

The robotic machine dressed up Kevin in girly clothes and converted itself into a chair. The Spies would now play bondage fun fun time with Kevin—I mean Kaevina.

Alex stuck a pair of DD fake tits to Kevin’s chest. She gave a thumbs-up, as a sign of completion.

Clover and Sam pulled out a pair of feathers and began tickling Kevin’s feet.

“OH NO! STOP!! I’M TICKLIIIIIIISH!!!” Kevin yelled.

The Spies tickled him for a few minutes, but then Alex got a kind of gross idea. She kneeled next to Kevin’s feet and began licking them.

“AAAHH STOP! STOP STOP STOOOP!!” Kevin yelled, pissing all over himself from the ticklish feeling.

He could hear his front door open and had an idea of who it was. He looked at the front door to see Nazz staring at him with a nauseous and traumatized expression.

“NAZZ! I’M NOT GAY!! I’M NOT GAY!!!” Kevin yelled.

The Spies all burst out into laughter. Clover pulled out Kevin's nice clothes and started laughing even harder. Nazz had seen enough and left as fast as she could. Before Kevin could cry out to her again, Clover got his attention by slapping him in the face.

"Hey, Kevin! I'll wipe all that pee up for you!" 

"Wait wh- HEY NOT M-"

Kevin was too late, as Clover started to wipe the pee up. 

“Aww, did little bittle Kevin Wevin go pee-pee in his dipey?” Clover said in baby talk.

“Come on little gay-gay Kevin Wevin, let’s get you cleaned up!” Alex added.


The Spies looked unamused.

“Just for that act of bullshittery, you’re getting kicked in the nuts.” Sam commented.

Alex and Clover spread Kevin’s now-girly legs open. Before Kevin could beg for mercy, Sam kneed him square in the testicles.

Kevin’s face scrunched up with pain.

“D...DOOOOORK!!” Kevin yelled.

The spies undid his straps, letting him fall to the ground. Kevin had been humiliated, his nuts had been kicked, his bike was destroyed, and his parents had been kidnapped.

“Well girls, we should get home to Double D!” Alex happily suggested.

“Yeah! He probably wants us to untie him from the bed!” Clover just as happily replied.

As the Spies left the house, something in Kevin had snapped. Never before had someone humiliated him so badly and done such degenerate things to him… Well, unless you count the time Nazz pegged him without lube, but that’s up to your interpretation.

“D-D… Dorks..”

Kevin slowly stood up. A newfound fire had burned in his heart, and he knew what had to be done. He ripped off the fake boobs, got new clothes on, and got ready to kick some ass!!!!!!

Chapter Text

The Spies did a little dance as they walked down the street, feeling very satisfied with themselves. Sexually, and otherwise.

As Sam began to play Freeform Jazz on a trumpet, they swore they could hear Pokemon battle music. Except it was more like a shitty bootleg version. 

“Hey, DORKS!!” Kevin yelled, half-naked and ready for action...not like that, you freaks. Jesus.

The Spies couldn’t fucking believe it.

“You’re REALLY going to try and fight us? After what we JUST did to you??” Alex asked, not even mad, just genuinely confused. 

Kevin stood dead silent for several seconds. The Spies looked away awkwardly, trying to act nonchalant. A dog howled in the background. Someone could be heard dying from a heart attack. They weren't important, so no one cared.

Kevin tore his shirt off and let loose a roar of pure, hormone-induced rage. He screeched like a roided out Velociraptor, caterwauled like a ferocious Bengal Tiger, and howled like the mighty coyote.

“KEEP IT DOWN WILL YA, I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!!!” Eddy yelled, bursting outside angrily in his pajamas. 

Kevin just screeched again, this time like a groundhog having a threesome.

“Don’t worry Eddy, once we kick his ass he will STAY quiet.” Sam said.

This gave Eddy an idea.

“Hey wait a second...if I record this, I can make a porn video about it AND keep all the money!!!” Eddy yelled as his eyes turned to dollar signs again.

The Spies gave him the stink eye again.

“What?! Double D isn’t even here with you guys!” Eddy argued.

“He’s got us there, girls.” Alex said with a shrug.

“That’s right! Things are finally looking up for big man E-”

Lightning then struck Eddy for no particular reason and set him on fire. Just because he’s generally an asshole I guess. He ran back inside the house screaming, only to set other stuff on fire like a dumbass.

While Eddy was busy with that, the Spies got ready to duel.

“Should I bring out the Yu-Gi-Oh deck?” Sam asked.

“Fuck no! We’re doing this D&D style, not that anime crap!” Clover yelled, smacking the cards out of Sam’s hands.

Sam grabbed a die and threw another at Kevin. Kevin caught the dice and stared for a few seconds, confused as hell.

“What the heck is this?!” Kevin yelled.

“WELL, you uncultured fuck-for-brains, I just tossed you a four-sided dice!” Sam replied.

“Hey, you have a twelve-sided die!! How is that fair?!” Kevin protested.

“It’s not!” Alex replied, then sticking her tongue out at Kevin. 

Eddy finally made his way back outside. He was burnt to a crisp and most of his house had been ruined by the fire. He wanted to be mad, but the thought of money quickly cheered him up.

“...ED!! Get out here and bring the camera!”

Ed quickly made his way outside, wearing a g-string and tank top. He looked kinda tired and did not have the camera. Before Eddy could yell at him though, Jerry The King Lawler walked out in his underwear, holding the camera. Eddy was very confused by this.

“What are you still doing here? Shouldn't you have left by now?”

“I don’t know how to get home, so Ed let me crash at his place.”

Eddy accepted this since nothing could really be done about it at the moment.

“Uhhh, ok then. Anyway, LETS GET ON WITH THE BATTLE!!!”

The Spies were more than ready to kick some ass… and balls. Kevin wasn't though.

“Wait! What are the rules!?”

The Spies shrugged.

“What rules? We just made this up on the fly, dude.” Clover replied.

At this point, Kevin knew he’d fucked up.

Eddy was starting to grow impatient. 


Random disco music started to play as Eddy begin recording. Ed couldn’t help but dance the dance of life, and back that ass up. Jerry was just kinda there.

The Spies rolled first, Sam landing an 8.

Kevin just kinda froze.

“I...I don’t have a chance of winning that!!” Kevin protested.

“JUST ROLL THE FUCKING DICE!!!” Sam commanded.

Kevin figured that he would get it over with and rolled his dice, landing a 3. 

“Hey, we ‘won’! I’ll do the attack!!” Clover yelled.

Clover ran up to Eddy and yanked the video camera away, hurling it at Kevin’s crotch and hitting him square in the nutsack. Kevin fell to the ground in crippling pain.

“D-D-D-DOOO-OOORKS!!” Kevin yelled, clutching his aching jewels.

Clover tossed the now damaged camera back to Eddy.


“Relax, it still works. I assume?” Clover replied.

“Yup, it still works Eddy!” Ed added as he gave the ‘OK’ hand sign.

Eddy frantically picked it up just to make sure. To his relief and surprise, it still worked. 

“How the heck did you know it worked!?”

“Buttered Toast.”

Eddy had no response for this. He just went back to recording. Kevin continued to clutch his low hanging, and now even more swollen nuts, in agonizing pain.

“I’m pretty sure that did more than eight damage.” Alex commented.

Kevin stood back up and roared once more. He was so fucking ready for battle. He rolled his dice again, getting another three. The Spies rolled again as well, getting a seven.

“Hey, we won again! What can we hit him in the nuts with this time?” Alex asked.

“If you keep doing the same thing again and again, people will get bored!” Jerry yelled from the background.

“My thoughts exactly, Jerry! And just LOOK at how swollen Kevin’s nuts are!” Ed announced, now wearing a suit and tie for...some reason. We dunno.

“You heard the crowd! I know you girls can be WAY more creative!” Eddy added.

Meanwhile, Kevin was standing in complete fear of what was next to come. He debated on running but had a feeling that they would easily catch him.

“Hmm… OH!!! I have an idea!” Sam excitedly yelled out. 

Sam pulled a candle out from her cleavage and lit it.

“I always carry one of these around, just in case! Now hold him down, girls!”

Clover and Alex ran up to him and forced him to the ground. Sam walked up to him with an evil smile, ready to inflict some pain. To her disappointment she accidentally put the candle's flame too close to Kevin’s naked belly, causing his hairs to catch on fire.


The girls continued to hold him down, thinking this was what Sam intended. Kevin accidentally whacked Sam in the leg, causing her to spill the candle wax all over his now sensitive stomach.

“EEEEEEEEEEYYYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHOOOOOU DOOOOOOOOOOOOORKS!!!” Kevin yelled, breaking free and rolling around on the ground.

“This hasn’t been going well for ol’ Kevin there, Jerry.” Ed announced as Kevin set some grass on fire by accident. 

Jerry just watched with awe. He had seen quite a few fire incidents in the ring, but this was the first time he had ever seen candle wax involved. It gave him new, bold, and kinky ideas for future WWE matches.

“Yeah, though I’ll admit I have seen WAAAAY more one-sided fights in my life.” Jerry responded. 

“This is a fight?” Ed asked with visible confusion.

“I guess you could say they’re firefighters, Ed!” Jerry commented. 

Ed responded with more stupid laughter.

Kevin stood up, now even more pissed off. He rolled once more, this time with frustration. He landed a four. The Spies rolled a one.


“I’ve only ever won five bucks on a lottery ticket, Jerry!” Ed replied, stupidly laughing again.


Kevin, being the dumbass he is, just up and punched Alex in the face. He didn’t know what else to do.

“OW! I didn’t even do anything to you...yet, you stupid redneck biker fucktard!” Alex yelled.

Kevin then rolled a one, with the Spies rolling a twelve.

“GIMME THAT HAND, YOU LITTLE BITCH!” Alex yelled, quite pissed off.

Alex violently grabbed Kevin's hand, almost pulling it out of its socket.

“…” Kevin whispered loudly in hopes that someone would save him.

Alex stuck Kevin’s arm in the mailbox and grabbed it from the other side, violently pulling downwards and snapping it in half.

“D-D-D-D-D-D-DOOOOOOOORKS!!!!” Kevin yelled.

Alex rolled the dice once more, rolling another 12. Kevin didn’t get to roll this time, because he’s an asshole.

Alex grabbed the top of the mailbox and closed it onto Kevin’s broken arm, smashing it in there as hard as she could.

“DORKS! DORKS! DORKS! DORKS! DOOOOORKS!!” Kevin yelled in pain repeatedly.

Alex finished her attack by kicking Kevin in the nuts again. 


She ran back to Sam and Clover while clutching her slightly bruised eye.

“Damn it, I hate getting punched...unless Double D is the one punching me.” Alex commented.

“Don’t be ridiculous! Double D is too much of an angel to do something like that! Speaking of Double D though, we should probably drink some of his sperm to heal up!” Sam added.

The Spies quickly hoofed it to Double D’s house in hopes that he was still there… What the fuck are we saying, of course, he’s still there. They tied him to the bed after all.

“Oh hey that’s right, we tied that horny lil’ dude to the bed so he couldn’t escape our love! Thank you, voices in my head!” Sam remembered.

“No, YOU tied him to the bed and went full yandere like a retard! We told you at least a dozen times ‘No Sam, that violates Double D’s human rights’ buuuuut…” Alex argued.

“When the fuck have we cared about human rights?! We broke at least three parts of the Geneva Convention with Kevin alone!” Sam replied.

“...Let's just get inside and heal.”

Alex didn’t want to admit that Sam was right, but Sam was absolutely right. The Spies were basically (and also literally) war criminals at this point. But that’s a story for another time.

Sam burst down the door by kicking it off the hinges.

Double D was sound asleep by this point, as the bed was very comfortable. He woke up to hear a deafening scream coming from Alex.

“THERE’S OUR BOY TOY!!” Alex yelled at the same decibel of an air raid siren.

“HOLY SHIT! YOU DON’T HAVE TO YELL THAT LOUD!!!” Clover yelled, somehow even louder.

“WHAT?! I CAN’T HEAR YOU OUT OF MY LEFT EAR ANYMORE!!!” Sam yelled, even louder.

Double D was now nearly deaf and wished that he could cover his ears.


“Oh, sorry sweetie!” Alex said as she snuggled up against Double D’s chest.

“Just get the amorousness over with, please.” Double D replied.

“I don’t speak Greek, you lovable big-cocked boy, you!” Sam added.

Double D got annoyed from this.

“We’ve already been over this! I’m CANADIA-AAAAAAAA!!!!”

Out of the blue, Alex began sucking Double D’s cock again.

“Dammit Alex! We have to roll first!” Sam said, sorta pissed.

Alex ignored her and kept on sucking. 

“Roll? What do you mean roll?!” Double D asked, started to get worried.

The spies ignored Double D and pulled Alex off. 

“Ok ok! Geez… But I roll first!”

Alex pulled out an 8 sided die and threw it at the window as hard as she could. The die broke through the window.

Outside, Eddy was impatiently waiting for the Spies to return.

“What's taking them so long?! We don't have all ni-AHHHHH!”

The die managed to hit Eddy directly in the nuts. Alex looked out the window to see Eddy laying on the ground while holding his crotch.

“Did you happen to see what that landed?” Alex asked.

Jerry walked up to the die.

“It landed a 6!”

Alex smiled with glee. She gently but firmly grabbed Double D’s nutsack and began deepthroating his cock.

“Well, I suppose, going by purely scientific yet carnal desires, this does feel pretty nice!” Double D commented with a moan.

Alex heard this and got the wrong impression. Now she wanted it to feel even better for him.

“Wait wait WAIT, THAT’S TOO FAST!!” Double D yelled, shaking the bed around like a maniac.

Alex began gently rubbing his balls with both her hands while she deepthroated faster.

“OH GOD!! THIS FEELS SO GOOD BUT SO PAINFUL, AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” Double D yelled as he blasted off inside Alex’s mouth.

“Hey! We still need to roll!” Sam angrily yelled.

Sam threw her die and landed an 8. The expression on her face could only be described as fucking insanely happy. 


Alex looked back with slight anger but knew she could do nothing about it.

“Fine… But you better not hog him for yourself!”


Sam immediately started to deepthroat Double D. Alex, not wanting to be topped, stuck Double D’s entire nut sack in her mouth.


“GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!!!” Clover yelled.

The spies looked back.

“What? Did you get a bad roll?” Alex asked?


Clover turned to the wall and punched it as hard as she could. Unforchinitly for her though, she hit a stud, taking 2 damage.


“Calm down Clover! We will still recover health from this… Now that I think about it, this move is incredibly broken.” Sam said.

“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!” Double D asked, not sure what to make of the situation anymore.

Meanwhile, the rain started to pour outside and Kevin was considering running away after sorta recovering from his broken arm. Before he could even contemplate taking a step though, Ed walked up right behind him.

“Now is the perfect time for me to enact my revenge. I do not remember why, but in the name of Buttered Toast it must be done!”

At first, nothing happened as Ed just stood there. Kevin was ready to call him a dork when the ground suddenly started to shake.

“LOOK OUT, STAMPEDE!!!” Rolf yelled in the background, running away furiously.

Kevin heard a loud rumbling coming from the background. In a matter of seconds, he was trampled over by a massive herd of goats. None of the Goats even got close to touching Ed, and all seemed to be specifically going for Kevin.

Right as the goats finished up with Kevin, Ed said two wise words of… Something.

“Buttered Toast.”

Ed walked back to where he was standing and gave his signature dumb smile.

“Wow! I don’t know how this could get any worse for Kevin!” Jerry commented.

A barely conscious Kevin noticed a slow driving pickup truck. A truck pulled up to Kevin, Dick Cheney and George Bush jr jumped out. Dick had a rifle loaded and ready to shoot.

“Where the heck are we? This isn’t the right place!” George Wondered.

Dick looked around for a bit and noticed Kevin laying on the ground.

“Hey look! A Deer!”

George pointed the rifle at Kevin's left leg and shot him directly in the knee.


The pain from the shot was enough to restore some consciousness to Kevin.

“Dammit Dick, that ain't a Deer! That’s Kevin from that cartoon Ed Edd n Eddy… I hate that guy! Hand me that rifle!”

George grabbed the rifle from Dick and shot Kevin in his other knee.


The pain was too much for Kevin this time, and he nearly passed out from it.

“Welp that was fun, but we gotta get going now, Dick.”

Dick and George hopped back in their truck and sped off. Ed Eddy and Jerry watched in confusion.

“...What the heck just happened?!” Eddy asked, knowing that he wouldn't get an answer.

The Spies finally finished healing and making Double D cum, and so they rushed to fight Kevin once more. To their surprise though, Kevin already looked like he had his ass handed to him.

“Jesus dude, what the fuck happened to you?” Sam asked?

“If I told you, you wouldn’t believe me.” Jerry replied.

“It’s a really good thing Eddy was recording!” Ed added.

Eddy turned to Ed again in confusion and annoyance.

“Quit randomly being smart Ed! ...And yeah, I'll just show you the recording when you finish up with Kevin.”

The Spies looked down at Kevin's battered and bloodied body. It already looked like he was ready to die any second.

“Maybe we should end this quickly. It isn't as fun beating up what is essentially a corpse.” Alex explained as she pulled out 20 sided dice.

“I’ll roll next!” Sam yelled, rolling the dice.

Sam landed an 11. She prepared to shoot Kevin with her semi-automatic rubber bullet gun but realized he was basically lifeless.

“Let’s wake Kevin up so he can feel more pain!” Sam yelled, hooking up jumper cables to his nuts.

She attached the other end of the cable to a lightning rod and watched as Kevin had one billion volts shot into his nuts.

“D-D-D-DO-DO-DO-DOR DOR-DORK-DOOORK-S-S-S-S-S!! Kevin yelled as he was burnt to a crisp by a fucking lightning bolt.

“That seemed way too strong to be an 11 roll, folks.” Jerry commented.

“Does it even matter at this point?” Sam responded.

“Yeah! Anyway, my turn!” 

Clover threw her die and landed a 5.

“...Fuck no.”

Clover threw her die again, this time landing a 19.

Clover got an idea, a beautifully evil and incestuous idea. She ran back inside Double D’s house and brought out Kevin’s mom with no clothes, dragging her outside on a leash.

“SUCK YOUR SON’S LIFELESS DICK!” Clover yelled, bitch-smacking Kevin’s mom across the face.

Kevin’s mom began to cry and put her mouth on his dick.

“Yeah, that’s right! This is what you are!” Clover yelled, smacking and squeezing Kevin’s mom’s ass.

Kevin was too beaten and battered to stop her, and silently received the blowjob in shame. The worst part was that his mom was doing a really, really good job.

Eddy started to question what he was watching.

“Should I keep recording? This might be a little too fucked up for this video.”

Everyone gave Eddy confused looks.

“Out of everything that has happened, this is what you think is crossing the line?” Jerry questioned.

Eddy didn't respond and continued filming.

“I will clap those cheeks in the name of Buttered Toast!” Ed yelled, taking his pants off and sticking his penis in Kevin’s mom’s ass from behind.

“SUCK KEVIN’S DICK FASTER!!” Clover yelled at Kevin’s mom.

She had a hard time concentrating with Ed fucking her from behind so she tried to go faster. Kevin, being the incel that he is, came within two minutes all over his mom’s face.

Clover punched Kevin’s mom in the boob.


“I AM BUTTERING THE TOAST OF KEVIN’S MOMMY!” Ed yelled, blasting his load all over the road, feeling quite contented.

Ed’s cum overflowed upon the road, as Kevin’s mom had sucked a chode. Kevin’s load had a sickening grode, as his crotch was ripe with stinky mold.

Remember to wash ‘down there’, guys.

As Clover dragged Kevin’s mom back inside, now Alex would have her torturous fun with Kevin. Alex rolled the dice hard and landed a 14.

“Uh...YAY! I ROLLED A TWENTY!!” Alex lied excitedly.

“That doesn’t look like a twenty, you stupid dorks…” Kevin weakly protested.

“He’s, uh...he’s delirious! BUT NOW IT’S MY TURN!!” Alex yelled, growing giant muscles once more with feeling.

Alex ripped a lamppost out from the ground and shoved it up Kevin’s ass.

“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! DORKS DORKS DORKS DORKS DOOOOOORKS!!” Kevin yelled as Alex shoved it in more and more.

Kevin tried to yell “dorks” again, but the lamppost came out of his mouth. Alex hurled the lamppost on top of Eddy’s still-burning house, roasting Kevin like a disturbing Christmas ham.

The electricity from the lamppost combined with Eddy’s house fire caused a giant explosion, taking out most of the roof and sending debris across the neighborhood.

“DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORKS!!!!!!!!!!!” A flaming Kevin yelled as he got sent flying across the cul-de-sac.

“Look, fellows, a shooting star! Make a wish in the name of Buttered Toast!!” Ed yelled happily.

“I wish to have sex with Double D forever!” The Spies shouted in unison.

“YOU DORKS ARE WEEEEeeeeeee….” Kevin yelled as he flew farther and farther away.

Kevin eventually crashed into his house, destroying a good chunk of the building. 

“OOH! I almost forgot something very important!” Sam yelled, running inside Kevin’s house.

A bit of thinking and thumping could be heard as Sam dragged a machine down the stairs. The machine was made out of Kevin’s various types of steel-toed jock shoes.

“Where’d you get the time to build that thing?!” Alex yelled, slightly turned on by such an invention.

“The same way you got the time to invent Crackweed! Don’t think I don’t know about your genetic plant experiments!” 


Clover gave Alex a weird but happy look.

“Aww, Alex! That’s so sweet of you! Crackweed will definitely help turn Double D into our id-”

“This isn't a chick flick! Either end the video here or do something else to Kevin!” Eddy demanded.

“...You know I hate to admit it, but Eddy might be right. I think we did enough to Kevin.” Clover suggested.

“Yeah… But I still want to make use of this machine!”

Sam ran back into the house and dragged Kevins surprisingly not dead body out of the wreckage. 

“Alright girls, let's go nice and deep into the woods so that no one will hear Kevin scream when we hook him up to my glorious machine of cock and ball torture!”

The girls ran into the woods with the machine while dragging Kevin by his nuts. When they were out of sight, Eddy turns the camera off.

“Well, I think now is a good time for us to…”

Eddy turned around to see his burned down house.

“...DAMMIT!” Eddy yelled.

“BURNIN’ DOWN THE HOOOOUSE! A DADA DADA DA!” Alex yelled, jumping around and doing air guitar motions.

“GO FOCUS ON KEVIN!!!” Eddy yelled, hating life at that moment.

Alex flipped Eddy the double bird and went back to help the girls.

“It’s ok Eddy, you can stay at my house if you like. You just have to accept Buttered Toast in your life and soul.” Ed said.

“...I’ll just sleep on the streets tonight. My house will just go back to normal in the morning.”

Eddy walked off to try and get some sleep. Ed went back to his house to do Ed things, with Jerry following behind. Double D was still tied up and wondering where his life had gone wrong. 

“Girls gets ready for tomorrow! We still have lots of work to do!... Clover, stop flicking your bean in front of the cul de sac. Save it for Double D!” Alex exclaimed, er...somewhat proudly.

“Sorry!” Clover replied as she pulled her hands out of her pants.

Chapter Text

“WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE UNTIE MEEEEEE!!!” Double screamed at the top of his lungs.

Double D had spent the entire night tied up to his bed, and the spies had yet to return. He desperately wanted to get out and actually stretch his limbs for once. All this being tied up shit was starting to get to him.

“I think I have post-testicle stress disorder…” Double D said to himself.

“Oh, woe is me! Doomed to eternal yet pleasurable suffering of a gigolo...well, an unpaid gigolo.” Double D said wearily as he covered his face with the back of his hand.

Crickets could be heard in the background.

“Wait a second...they forgot to tie one of my hands! How did I not notice this before?!” Double D yelled, quite perplexed.

He quickly untied himself, and for the first time in many days, put some clothes on. There weren’t any sweat stains on the bed because he couldn’t last more than two minutes with the Spies these days. Double D’s boner still hadn’t gone down from Kevin’s stolen Viagra tablets, so Double D made a mental note to go to the hospital at some point.

First things first though, he had to clean his house since no one else was. Ever since his dad left to get that gallon of milk, and his mom left to get that, uh...other gallon of milk, Double D had been taking care of the house on his own.

“You know, now that I think about it, the lights are still on. Who’s been paying the bills, and more importantly, who’s been leaving these sticky notes around?!” Double D yelled.

“You thought it was your parents who pay the bills and leave sticky notes to help you...BUT IT WAS ME, DIO!” Dio Brando yelled as he revealed himself. Japanese writing covered the scenery to emphasize that this was Dio Motherfucking Brando.

“Oh! Thanks, Dio! I knew I could count on you!” Double D replied.

“Anytime! WRYYYYYYYYYYY!!!” Dio yelled again as he dived out the window.

“What a nice guy. But no time to focus on that! I need to get out of here before those crazy semen demons get back!”

Double D was about to rush to his closet to get some much-needed clothes around and other important stuff around, but something unusual caught his eye. Something he knew for a fact that wasn't there before. He didn’t care about the heroin and dead bodies in the bathroom. Double D was more focused on the Gloryhole in one of the walls of his room. He got closer to inspect it and noticed some writing.

“Hmm, let's see. ‘Put penis in for a free jawbreaker…”

Once again, Double D’s lack of street smarts and sex smarts got to him. This is an Ed, Edd, n’ Eddy smut story, every single thing imaginable was gonna be a metaphor for sex. He should’ve known this by now!

“Well, this day sure has taken a turn for the better! Free Jawbreaker here I come!”

As soon as Double D stuck his penis into the hole, he felt a very warm feeling of...warmth. A familiar warmth, yet still new to him. Before he could react to this, metal straps shot out and bound his arms.

“OH NO! NOT AGAIN!!” Double D yelled as he got Post Testicle Stress Disorder once more.

Whoever was on the other side kept sucking, but just as Double D was about to freak out, he noticed that he was actually having a good time.

“Oh...oh, WOW! Whoever is doing this has the right idea for sure! They’re so gentle and soothing on ol’ Mr. Peener there!”

The person giving him the blowjob gave a muffled “thank you” in response.

The suck suck sucking continued, as Double D moaned more and more in pleasure. All of the rough sex he had to endure had made Mr. Peener extra sensitive, and this was such a relief. He wanted it to last forever… But Double D was still pretty shit at lasting, so he came within about a minute of the blowjob.

“Wow, that was amazing! I don’t know who you are, but you are certainly a good fuck--er, uh, I mean sucker! In this case anyway. Apologies for my quick time length, I’m not too good at, well…‘consensual’ sex. Usually, I’m just brutally raped and ‘ara ara’-ed by mentally ill bisexual secret agents! This time without those things being separate situations...normally it’s just one at a time, but at once?! Man, it’s just impossible to deal with!”

“No worries, Double D. You did, uh, a good job holding out for one minute I guess.” A VERY familiar voice replied.

Double D’s face dropped to the floor.

“N-N-N-NAZZ?!!?” Double D yelled.

“Oh...I thought you were about to use a different ‘n’ word there. My bad. Anyway, thanks for the cum! It wasn’t great but it’ll do!” Nazz replied, revealing herself.

Nazz said this at the exact opposite time of being a good time.

“WHAT did that lowlife hooker just say about Double D?” Alex question-yelled. There’s no good word to describe the rage Alex was feeling right then.

Double D’s expression took a complete 180.

“RUN NAZZ!!! RUN!!!!” Double D pleaded, while still bound by the metal straps.

Nazz didn't look at all scared. If anything, she looked as if she didn't even know what monsters she had just unintentionally pissed off.

“Double D, don't be ridiculous. What are they going to do? Cock and Ball Torture me?”


“Uh...I might’ve fucked up here...” Nazz said to herself.

“Ohh, I can’t look!” Double D yelled to himself.

“Hey, what’s that noise!? It sounds like a motor--”

Nazz didn’t have time to finish. She was already fucked.

“YOU DON’T HAVE A COCK BUT YOU CAN STILL FEEL THE PAIN!” Clover yelled as she ran into Nazz with Kevin’s very beaten-down and shot up motorcycle.


Nazz struggled to get off the floor. She felt borderline paralyzed.


Blood could be seen forming in her hair.


“Oh Double D! You remembered that we love chasing our victims! You are so thoughtful!” Sam gleefully said.

This time Nazz took his advice and ran like hell.

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOGOOBLAGOOBLAGOOBLAGOOBLAGOOBLA!!” Alex yelled as she rode with Clover on Kevin’s motorcycle, wearing a gas mask and holding a dildo spear.

“Is that a dildo attached to a spear?!” Nazz yelled.

“RUN, O’ PROTUBERANCE OF THE LESBIAN CAPTORS!” Rolf yelled from Eddy’s rooftop.

“Rolf?! What the heck is going on?!?” Nazz yelled as she continued running.


Victor ran up to Nazz, but instead of helping her, he tried to mount her.

“Good boy, Victor! It’s a far greater feat to whip out the meaty stench of manhood than it is to rescue a FOUL WENCH FROM THE TORMENT OF LESBIAN DEGRADATION!” Rolf yelled.

“Dude, you guys are seriously fucked up in the head!!” Nazz yelled.

A Confederate horn could be heard in the background.

“YEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAW!!” Clover yelled as she donned her cowboy hat.

“Women drivers, huh Ed boys?!” Rolf said jokingly.

No one responded because none of the Eds were around to hear him. This made Rolf feel very lonely.

“GO DOWN THE ALLEYWAY, NAZZ! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY, RUN!!” Double D yelled, while looking out the window, still bound by the metal straps.

“Mmm yes, Nazz-girl will have many holes filled on this day!” Rolf commented.

“Let’s play Lesbian Lawn Darts!” Alex yelled as she threw the dildo spear at Nazz. It hit her right between the asscheeks, knocking her down instantly.

“I have to get out of he-EEEEEEEE-eeeeeere!” Nazz yelled like Michael Jackson as she orgasmed from her prostate being bashed by the dildo spear. 

Her pants got stains all over, and she now struggled to crawl away to safety. Instead, she had to do a moonwalk to avoid the orgasmic feelings slowing her down. She reached for a sewer grate to open it, but it was too heavy.

“I...I can’t lift this!” Nazz cried out in desperation.

All of a sudden the sewer grate lifted, Sam, revealing herself to be hiding underneath in wait.

“I predicted that you’d try something stupid like that.” Sam replied as she came out of the manhole.

“Oh...oh god...THE STENCH…” Nazz exclaimed as she covered her nose and face.

“OOOOOOGLOOBAGLOOBAGLOOBABABABABA!!” Clover yelled as she ran the motorcycle into Nazz again.

Nazz was sent flying into Eddy’s house, crashing through his window.

“Oh, what the hell?! I crawled through an entire sewer system just to have my moment!” Sam yelled in frustration.

“Oh GOD--Jesus, Sam, you didn’t have to study so hard for show and smell!” Alex yelled as she covered her nose.

“I can still smell it even with my gas mask on. Seriously dude, did you bathe in deep-fried diabetes or something?” Clover added.

Meanwhile, Eddy was letting a bowl of extremely hot soup cool on his table when this Nazz came crashing in. Nazz had landed face-first onto the table, causing the soup to go flying towards his face.


This was all Eddy could say before the soup hit him. Eddy’s face turned bright red.

“MY FACE!!!! MY FAAAACCCE!!!!!” Eddy screamed as he ran around the room in pain.

“MY ASS! MY--UNNGH--AAAAAAASS!! Mostly my entire body but ESPECIALLY MY ASS!!!” Nazz screamed in 50% pleasure, 50% pain, and 100% reason to remember the name.

The spies walked inside to collect Nazz for uhhh… Nothing good. That much we know for sure by this point.

“I stink like shit for no reason because of you, Clover.” Sam said angrily.

“WHO ELSE BUT CLOVER?!” Alex yelled as a laugh track plays.

“UHHHH!!! I can’t think straight! That motherfucker needs to shut up!” Sam commented angrily as she threw the motorcycle at Eddy.


Eddy was now unconscious, with second-degree burns covering his face.

“Finally… Now, lets take that stupid fucking cunt back to Double Ds place!” Sam said, relieved.

“Yeah! Been a while since we worked our magic on a girl!” Clover added.

“That wasn’t one of us!” Alex commented with a wink.

“Oh yeah, we do tons of girly fun stuff to each other! Like rub suntan lotion on each other’s backs…” Sam started.

“On each other’s genitals too!” Alex commented again.

“Then we go shopping…” Sam continued.

“For dildos and birth control!” Alex replied with a chuckle.

“Wait, you guys have birth control?! Give me some of that shit!” Clover butted in.

“Fuck that!...literally,” Sam commented.

They continued their weird-ass conversation while dragging Nazz’s body by the feet. Clover resisted the urge to suck Nazz’s toes.

Goddamn, these bitches have issues.


Chapter Text

Nazz woke up to hear the Spies singing a chorus rendition of the Terminator theme song. She opened her eyes to notice Alex wearing sunglasses and holding a shotgun. She had a ball gag in her mouth, and she could taste that it had been used quite a lot.

“Prepare to be Lesbinated.” Alex said in her best Arnold Schwartzenegger impression.

Suddenly everyone heard a very loud interruption.

“DOUBLE D!!! I’M SICK OF GETTING HURT BECAUSE OF YOUR PSYCHO GIRLFRIENDS!!!” Eddy screamed from outside of the room.

The spies gave each other extremely annoyed looks.

“...One moment.” Alex said, with a psycho expression. 

The spies opened the door, and the life instantly drained from Eddy.

”W-Wait! I’m sorry! I ju-”

Alex grabbed Eddy by the throat while Clover grabbed him by the crotch. The two immediately threw him down the stairs, sending Eddy crashing and banging all the way down.

“Ow...stupid friggin’--”

Suddenly a lamp was hurled down the stairs, hitting Eddy directly in the nuts. Eddy passed out from the pain, which was pretty lucky for him considering he couldn’t keep his mouth shut.

The two spies returned upstairs.

“Sorry about that. Any wa- HEY!!!”

They returned to see Sam eating a bowl of beans and farting in Nazz’s face. Nazz looked like she was about to vomit.

“What the fuck Sam?! Why did you start without us!?” Clover asked, quite angry and disappointed.

“Sorry, I was just eating some beans and came up with the idea.”

Clover noticed that Cars 2 happened to be playing on the TV, and everything made sense.

“I see. Well then, we gotta make this super PAINful, and TORTurous…” Clover said with emphasis.

Nazz shook her head “no” and let out muffled begging for forgiveness. But alas, God was not as merciful as she had assumed. Or the Spies, in this case.

“Aight, it’s cunt busting time. Spread her legs, girls.” Sam ordered.

Clover and Alex forcibly spread Nazz’s legs, as she was tied up in nothing but her bra and underwear.

“MMFFF! MMF MFF MMFFFMFMFMFF!!” Nazz pleaded, her eyes growing wide with fear.

“Hear that?! It’s the sound of NO ONE CARING! Also, I can’t understand what you’re saying, so...” Sam replied.

Before Nazz could whine more, Sam kicked her hard in the crotch with her boots.

“MMMMMFFFFFFF!!!” Nazz yelled, in way, WAY more pain than she anticipated.

“Wait, does getting kicked in the crotch hurt for girls? This is news to me…” Alex asked.

“Well, time to find out for sure!” Sam yelled as she kicked Nazz in the vagina again.

“MMMMMFFFFFFFFFFF!!” Nazz screamed in pain.

“Yep, it seems painful to me.” Clover confirmed.

“NOT PAINFUL ENOUGH!” Sam yelled with rage as she repeatedly kicked Nazz in the crotch.

“MFF! MFF! MMMFF! MEEEEERRRRRRGHHHH!!!!” Nazz yelled in muffled agony.

“Hmmm, yep, that definitely looks like it hurts… do it one more time just to make sure!” Alex sadistically but calmly commented.

Sam backed up to get a running start. Nazz repeatedly shook her head, but she should have known that nothing was going to stop them by now. The NFL theme could be heard in the background.


Sam ran up to her and dropkicked her in the pussy as hard as she could, the heels of her boots hitting her square in the hole. Nazz’s eyes twitched and bulged as the pain was even worse than she could have possibly anticipated. Unfortunately for her though, this was only the beginning. 

“Fire in the hole!” Clover yelled as she pulled out a golf ball and club.

“MNNNNNNNGGGHHH! MMFF MFF MFFMFMFMF!!!” Nazz begged and pleaded as Sam and Alex held her legs open.

Clover whacked the golf ball and sent it flying at Nazz, hitting her square in the pussy.

“MRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHAAAAAAAA!!!” Nazz yelled in pain as she desperately tried to close her legs.

Tears streamed down Nazz’s face as she silently begged for it to end. The Spies were started to get tired of the cuntbusting and decided to move onto something else. Alex had an idea of what fucked up things they should do.

“Ohhh! You know what we haven't done in a while?” 

The other two had an idea of what she was about to say.

“Ass darts!!!” The Spies yelled in unison.

“Well I was going to say pussy darts, but we can do both!” Alex commented.

Nazz’s eyes turned to the size of sandwich plates. She began to freak out, she couldn’t handle this stuff as Eddy could. With tears hitting the floor and an imminent mental breakdown, Nazz just lost it from the pain. As well as the thought of pain. Pain is painful, after all.

“Oh geez, I feel kind of bad now…” Alex commented.

“Really? I just want to torture her harder now!” Clover replied. 

“Yeah! And remember what she said about Double D!” Sam added.

“...I don’t feel bad anymore! Now I’m pissed again! Bend her over!”

Sam and Clover shoved Nazz’s face to the ground and put her butt up in the air. Alex grabbed a nice sharp lawn dart and got ready to throw. Nazz could only wait for the impending pain.

“Wait! I almost forgot!!” Clover yelled. 

She quickly pulled out a red marker and drew a big target map all over Nazz’s rear end. The bullseye was Nazz’s pussy.

“Awesome! Now, THIS IS FOR DOUBLE D, BITCH!” Alex screamed.

Ales threw the dart and nailed Nazz in her right butt cheek. Nazz cried in muffled screams, while the spies laughed.

“That’s ten points!” Sam counted.

“My turn!” Clover said as she got up.

Alex handed her a dart and assisted in holding Nazz down. They didn't bother removing the dart since they were keeping score. 

“Hey wait a second, I just remembered something… Kevin mentioned to us earlier that Nazz was his girlfriend!!” Sam yelled.

Nazz didn’t like the sound of this.

“Oh, REALLY now? Well then, I know exactly where to aim!” Clover replied as she wound her arm up.

A loud baseball jingle began to play as Clover hurled the dart. Nazz braced for the pain, knowing the Spies weren’t as merciful as they looked. The dart hit Nazz square in the pussy, impaling her urethra at a diagonal angle.

“MGGGGGGGGGRRRRRFT! RGGGGGHAHAHGFFFFT!!” Nazz yelled in a muffled tone as she squirmed around in agony.

“Ooh, that’s gotta hurt. Fifty points, MY TURN!” Sam yelled.

Sam grabbed the dart and aimed her shot.

“NFNFNFNFNFNFNFNF!!!” Nazz begged as the darts wriggled around.

“That sounds like the language of Stupid Cunt for ‘please throw another dart at me! I deserve it for being a STUPID FUCKING BITCH!!!’ GOD I FUCKING HATE YOU, NAZZ!!! AAAAGGGGGHHHH!!” Sam yelled as she hurled the dart.

Unfortunately for Nazz, she squirmed at just the wrong time and the dart impaled her clit.

Nazz froze in complete pain, while her eyes started to twitch. This was so horrible that even the Spies cringed at this. Suddenly Nazz dropped to the floor and started yelling like a madman, grabbing her crotch in pain. Unfortunately, that just made it hurt worse.

“Ohhhhhhh…. That looked like it hurt…” Sam said, staring at what she had done.

“Yeah… Maybe we should just do one more thing to her, and call it a day.” Alex added.

“What the hell are you girls talking about? We did WAAAAAYYYY worse to Eddy.” Clover wondered.

“Yeah, but that’s Eddy.” Alex responded. 

“...Yeah, good point.”

The Spies stared at Nazz for a few moments. She was not nearly as fun to fuck with as they thought she would be. Though Clover was having a blast, so she would disagree.

“How about we just do some good old fashion nipple torture?” Sam asked, quite eagerly.

“First off, I have to use up the rest of these lawn darts! These fuckers were expensive okay?!” Clover demanded.

“Go ahead. I’ll relax and watch.” Sam replied, sitting down and kicking her feet up.

“And I’ll go kick Eddy in the nuts! He probably is starting to regain consciousness by now and I need to make sure he uhh… Well honestly because FUCK EDDY!” 

Alex ran out of the room, with intent to… Well, you already know what she is going to do, so why should we tell you?

 “What the--AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!” Eddy could be heard yelling from downstairs.

A very loud THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!-ing noise could be heard too. The other Spies decided the noise would be annoying so Sam shut the door.

Nazz wasn’t even yelling anymore, now she was just crying while holding her crotch.

“I’d feel bad about this if it wasn’t one of my biggest fetishes!” Clover yelled.

“Row row, dart the power!” Sam cheered.

Clover took notes from her ‘fans’ and hurled a dart at Nazz’s left ass cheek, eliciting another muffled scream of pain.


“This is taking too long, I have a better idea!” Clover yelled as she hooked up her PP-2000 from earlier to the lawn darts.

Nazz was now morbidly nervous.

“BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM!” Clover yelled as darts shot out of the gun, quickly filling Nazz’s fleshy rear end up with needles.

You know, it’s more impressive than anything that Clover was able to disassemble and reconfigure a machine gun to fire lawn darts within less than a minute...then again, the Spies were also in the KGB at one point.

While this was happening, Alex walked back in with a very proud look on her face.

“Wow! It took exactly a dozen kicks before he blacked out again!”

Clover fired her last shot and gave Alex a sly smile.

“You of all girls would know about Blacking someone…”

Alex's smile quickly turned into a frown.

“Don’t make me go all daddy issues on your corn-fed country ass!”

“Joke’s on you, my dad LOVES my ass!” Clover replied, sticking her tongue out.”

Alex looked like she was about ready to kick some white girl ass, but Sam interjected.

“HEY HEY!!! You two can fight later, we still need to do some nipple torturing!”

Nazz held back countless tears of unimaginable anal (and vaginal) pain as the darts were hanging from her ass cheeks.

“Oh wait, I have one more dart!” Clover yelled as she picked a dart off the floor and hurled it up Nazz’s ass.

“MMMMMMFFFFFFFFGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!” Nazz yelled in pain, as the dart impaled her rectum and poked into the outside of her large intestine.

Alright girls, pick her up and torture those titties!” Sam yelled as she gobbled down on Cum-Flavored Popcorn.

Clover and Alex picked Nazz up and each grabbed a nipple. Nazz looked at them both with eyes of tearful and painful mercy. She should have known by now that there would be no mercy.

“TITTY…” Alex started.

“TWISTER!” Clover finished.

The two twisted her nipples in opposite directions. Tears quickly started to flow from her eyes as her sensitive nipples were administered a pain worse than that time Kevin tried to literally ride her like his bike… Didn’t end well, let's just say.

“Twist harder, c’mon c’mon!” Sam cheered.

Clover and Alex did exactly that, making Nazz scream with maddening pain.

“Alright then, my turn now!” Sam yelled, pulling out clamps.

Nazz looked at Sam in horror as she figured that she knew what would come next. Much to her surprise, Sam ran up and kicked her in the pussy again, making her drop to her knees and cover her crotch in pain.

“Get subverted, bitch! Pick her back up again, girls!” Sam yelled.

Clover and Alex picked Nazz back up again. Sam put a clamp next to Nazz’s nipple as Nazz shook her head and begged for it to not happen.

“It’s too late. It’s already in motion.”


Sam then put the clamps on both of Nazz’s nipples. She also put a third clamp-on Nazz’s clit for good measure.

Nazz shook her head slowly as Sam pulled out a remote.

“You pissed me off.” Sam said calmly yet coldly as she was about to press a button on the remote.

“Oh, just one second Sam. I’ll take that!” Clover said as she yanked the lawn dart out of Nazz’s clit, eliciting yet another scream of agony.

“Goddamn it, Clover! I don’t want her to pass out before the ‘better’ torture starts!” Sam yelled.

“I know but like I said, these things were EXPENSIVE!! Plus we can’t have it getting in the way of the clamps.” Clover replied..

“...Fair enough. Anyway, PAIN TRAIN TIME!” Sam yelled as she pressed the button.

The clamps slammed down on Nazz’s most sensitive parts like mousetraps. After a few seconds of screaming the pain ended up being too much for Nazz, and she blacked out. The spies simultaneously gave shocked and disappointed gasps. 

“Awww… I was hoping she would stay conscious longer…” Sam said, sadly.

“Oh don’t worry, she won't stay down for long.” Alex evilly replied.

Alex pulled out some jumper cables and put them on the clamps. She then walked over to a generator that was definitely in the room the entire time and hooked them up. Bolts of electricity shot through Nazz, bringing her back to consciousness.

“There! Now you get to be conscious while we leave and make sweet love with Double D!” Alex yelled.

“Yeah, you stupid bitch! Speaking of Double D, he probably wants us to let him out of the shower now.” Clover added.

“Probably, I'm sure he is completely clean now!” Sam happily said, while undressing herself.

The spies left the room and made sure to close the door behind them. Nazz laid on the floor, completely traumatized and still in horrible pain from all of the horrible shit that had been done to her. The worst part was that she knew that they would be back at some point.

All of a sudden, Ed came into the room randomly. He pulled her ball gag out and looked upon her with his dumb eyes.

“Ed!! Please help me get out of here!!!” Nazz begged.

“I will help you, my child, for Buttered Toast, is with me.” Ed replied.

Nazz hugged Ed’s leg and began to rub upon him with her cheek. Not her ass cheek, keep in mind, I mean, like, the cheek on her face.

“Oh, thank you thank you thank you thank you thank--”

Ed then picked Nazz up and tossed her out the window. She yelled in terror from the two-story fall, but the yelling stopped as she landed on someone’s car.

“You’re welcome! Huh huh!” 

Ed then left as randomly as he came.

...At least he TRIED to help, right…?

Nazz was still somehow conscious, although she was in terrible pain and was horribly injured. Though, she would soon really wish that she wasn't awake.

Nazz rolled off the car and landed harshly on the ground. She wanted to just get up and go home, but the pain was just too much. She closed her eyes and wished that she would just black out again. However, the sound of a very familiar voice caused her eyes to shoot open.


Nazz’s eyes turned wide.

“Oh, fuck me...”

Victor was about to do just that. He used his teeth to pull Nazz’s underwear down, and mounted her.

“WOAH! GET OF-” *cough* Nazz yelled as she coughed up blood.

“YES, VICTOR! GET THE COOCHIE OF PENIS MOISTURIZING!” Rolf yelled, from the rooftops once more.

“Are you stuck up there or-*cough*-something?!” Nazz replied.

“Er, uh...Rolf can neither confirm nor deny that his penis is stuck in the locked windowsill, you see?” Rolf answered.

Nazz’s whole body began to shake as Victor lay that pipe, sticking his dongus right into that sweet vajayjay.

“OW! THAT HURTS, SLOW DO--OW!!” *cough* *cough* *cough* Nazz just barely managed to yell.

Victor humped Nazz hard, sliding his bright red dick in and out at the speed of bestiality.


“Again with that--OW!!--stupid Buttered Toast stuff?!” Nazz yelled.

Rolf got very angry with this. He tore the windowsill out and jumped off the roof, running towards Nazz’s front side. He grabbed Nazz’s blonde hair and looked her dead in the eyes.

“You know not of which you speak, whore of the cul de sac! To prevent you from getting further punished, Rolf shall keep you quiet with his flute of meaty justice, yes?”

Before Nazz could respond, Rolf stuck his dick in her mouth. Rolf and Victor began to spitroast Nazz, yet Victor was at his limit. He busted his nut in Nazz’s cooch, getting goat sperm all over the road.

“Ah yes, Rolf’s manhood is covered in the salivation of justice itself! LET IT BE KNOWN, O’ BUTTERY ANGELS ABOVE! THE WHORE OF PEACH CREEK HAS BEEN SILENCED AT LAST!” Rolf yelled as lightning randomly struck Eddy’s house, setting it on fire once more.

Rolf facefucked Nazz until he finally busted his nut, while Johnny watched the prepubescent bestiality fuckfest from behind the bushes.

“Well, that’s something you don't see every day, Plank! Now let’s go get those ghost costumes that Grand Dragon Jimmy wanted us to order!” Johnny said as he walked away happily.

With his deed done, Rolf picked Nazz’s traumatized body up. 

“Now, Rolf shall take you back to his house and nurse you back to health! For payment, however, you must give Rolf and Rolf’s animals' rough sex every night!”

“…” Nazz wheezed.

Rolf returned to his house, with intent to go another round. Victor followed behind, as he could also go another round.


Chapter Text



Little did the Spies know, a mysterious presence lurked over their deeds. While the Spies were performing unspeakable acts of latent and brutal lesbianism on Nazz, Jimmy decided to do some investigating.

"I just know I'll find something about those mean ol’ spies here…JEEPERS!" Jimmy yelled as he heard a loud crash.

Loud bumping noises could be heard as Eddy was thrown down the stairs, and laughter coming from the Spies.

“Golly gee whiz! I might be in over my head here…” Jimmy said to himself.

Another crash could be heard as Eddy was hit in the nuts with a lamp. Jimmy looked at Eddy curiously, wondering how gay it would be to take advantage of this situation.

“No no, I mustn’t stick my pink hot dog in Eddy’s mouth! Sarah says I have to save myself for her!” Jimmy thought.

Jimmy carefully walked upstairs to the Spies’ makeshift lesbian dungeon, only to see Sam repeatedly kicking Nazz in the crotch and hear muffled screaming. This terrified Jimmy.

“JEEPERS...I didn’t know getting hit down there hurt for ladies! I’ll have to test that later on Sarah when she least expects it! I’m such an asshole, eeeheeheehee!” Jimmy thought to himself.

He quietly made his way towards the basement. He had a feeling that something important was down there, thanks to the "Keep the fuck out unless you are Double D!" Sign. 

As he quietly opened the door, the sudden cry of pain from Nazz could be heard throughout the house. Jimmy accidentally opened the door quickly and very loudly. Fortunately for him though, Nazz was more than loud enough to cover it up.

“Goodness gracious! Nazz must be in terrible pain! But she’ll work as a distraction for my detective work!” Jimmy said as he pulled out a magnifying glass and Sherlock Holmes hat.

As soon as he started searching, he came across a myriad of interesting things. Dildos and vibrators of all sorts, CDs, a Nintendo Switch, for some reason a gold necklace and swagger sunglasses, but he finally found a computer with tons of MP4 files.

“What’s this, I wonder?” Jimmy said as he played the first file. It turned out to be a collection of body cams of all the Spies’ missions.

“Let’s have a look and see just what dirt I can dig up…" Jimmy said to himself, trying his best to act like Sherlock Holmes.

"Now, time to watch this stuff, hehehehe!" Jimmy said as he cracked his Captain K’nuckles. He pressed play on the Spies’ first mission, an ‘espionage’ job in Siberia.

The video played and started pretty normal. Typical spy briefing stuff, jumping out of a helicopter, normal stuff. No dirty stuff though, unfortunately for us writers.

On the video...

“Hey, Sam! Toss that molotov cocktail in that fucker’s window, will you?!” Clover yelled.

“This is supposed to be espionage, you dumbass! Sam yelled back.

“Fine, I’ll do it myself! Geez!” Clover shouted as she fumbled the weapon, accidentally tossing it at a passing vehicle.

The vehicle crashed into the building the Spies were supposed to, you know, actually do spy work in. However, every hostile in the building got killed in the series of fiery explosions that followed, so mission completed I guess.

“Hey, we ‘did it’!” Clover yelled.

The first video Jimmy watched ended with police sirens, and the Spies running away.

“Wow, it looks like they have quite the body count already... Now then, let’s see...ooh, video number twenty-eight! That’s my favorite number!” Jimmy exclaimed as he played a different mission video.

The video started with the Spies going through a mission briefing, which is ironic because Sam had her hand stuck in her briefs under the table the whole time. Girls just wanna have fun, I guess.

"Alright girls, suit up!" Sam commanded.

The Spies quickly dressed in bulletproof vests (but not after a healthy lesbian sex session where they all moaned Double D’s name) and wielded military-grade weapons. Sam, Clover, and Alex all donned masks with different patterns on them. Clover wore an ahegao patterned face mask with aviator goggles and a My Little Pony themed M16A4.

Sam wielded an ACR 6.8 with plaid camo and a helmet akin to the guy on the cover of Counter-Strike: Global Offensive.

"Now girls, I know that you all love this 'Double D' fella, but I need you to stop the spread of the Buttered Toast Cult."

Jimmy was very disturbed by this.

"By Buttered Toast! I cannot watch such blasphemy!"

Jimmy quickly closed the video and opened the most recent one he could find. He immediately noticed how unhinged the Spies were acting

Sam lugged a PKP Pecheneg into the mission briefing, somehow. Guess she must’ve gotten super strong from all that sexercise (both straight and gay, we don’t judge!)

Though it’s still a mystery how Sam even got that weapon. As far as we know the French military doesn’t even use it…Alex brought in a G36C and Clover brought an MP5.

“Girls, calm down! Please! I KNOW Double D isn’t here, but we really need you for this!” The mission briefer yelled.

“I’LL BRIEF YOU, ALRIGHT!” Clover yelled, pointing a shotgun at some random secretary.

“Jeepers! Those girls must be suffering from Post-Testicle Stress Disorder as well!” Jimmy commented.

“Okay okay, I’ll tell you what the mission is! Today, we finally found Obama Bin Laden, and we need you to take him out! It’ll be a good stress reliever too!” The briefer insisted.

"THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE DOUBLE D!!!!!" Alex screamed out.

Alex started to trash the room. Sam and Clover joined in and started to throw things at the secretary. The secretary was wondering what the fuck she even did wrong and ran out of the room yelling in fear.

"Girls! Calm down right this minute!" Briefer demanded.

"FUCK YOU! WE WANT DOUBLE D!!!" Clover cried out, while her face turned red.

Alex pulled out a transmogrifier ray and used it to zap her and the rest of the Spies. The Spies were turned into bloodthirsty catgirls, and ready to satisfy their thirst. 

"N-now girls…" 

The briefer didn't know what he could say. He saw the crazed looks in their eyes and knew he was dead. 

"MEOW!!!!" The Spies all yelled in unison.

The Spies all jumped on him and tore him to shreds, and afterward let out a “Nyaa…” of satisfaction. They proceeded to have a lesbian furry orgy before transforming back into regular humans.

Jimmy paused the video.

“What the h-e double hockey sticks did I just watch?! And why are they so obsessed with Double D?! Hmmm...”

Jimmy looked through the files in hopes of getting answers. After searching for a few moments, he came across a video called"Double D".

"Eureka! This might hold the answers I’ve been looking for!” Jimmy yelled.

He played the video and was shocked to see Double D taking a shower and washing his balls. Though something else had also caught his eye.

“Jeepers, this video is old! The date says it was filmed 5 years ago!” Jimmy yelled to himself.

“Hee this, girls…” Sam said as she hopped in the shower without Double D noticing.

Sam grabbed some soap, made a shushing motion while Clover and Alex were giggling and grabbed Double D’s balls, helping him wash them.

“OH MY! Why thank you for the, um...assistance, Ed!” Double D said in surprise, figuring Ed had finally come out of the closet. 

Double D decided to just roll with it, he could use help reaching down there anyway.

Sam spread open Double D’s ass cheeks and put some soap in her mouth, proceeding to eat him out whilst washing it at the same time.

“Uh...thank you, Ed.” Double D exclaimed with a bit of disgust yet also an oddly timed erection.

After a few minutes of ass eating and ball squeezing, Double D came with a great big moan of pleasure.

“Wow, that was amazing, Ed! I might just be gay after all!” Double D commented.

“No problem, Double D! I shall always be here to beat your meat like a butcher’s rave party, huh huh!” Sam replied in her best impression of Ed.

Sam quickly ran out of the shower and took the girls with her. Somehow Double D didn’t even notice it wasn’t Ed.

Jimmy cringed back in his seat as he was traumatized from a digital horror he could not unsee. In a panic, he fast-forwarded the video. He stopped over many just as gross sex scenes with Double D. He only stopped when he noticed a scene with a bulletin board with a bunch of stuff on it.

Jimmy paused the video to get a better look. On the board were pictures of TNT, many pictures of Double D, and a picture of a very familiar horse sperm truck. He pressed play to hear what the spies were saying.

“Man, Clover, I can’t believe you came up with this ingenious idea! Blowing up a truck full of horse sperm and pretending to act like we’re helping clean it up, GENIUS!” Sam yelled as she hooked up some plastic explosives to the sperm truck.

“You have the routes all down, right Sam?” Alex asked as she looked at a map.

“Roots was my favorite TV miniseries!” Clover said dumbly.

Sam looked at Alex like she was a complete retard. But she was used to doing so.

“Of Course I have the routes down! You think I would mess up our best chance at getting with Double D?”

Jimmy couldn't believe what he was hearing. 

“Jiminy jeepers creepers, and a dog named Peepers! The Totally Spies are Totally Assholes!” Jimmy yelled.

“You got that right! And we LOVE eating out some assholes!” Sam yelled as the Spies revealed themselves to be right behind him.

Jimmy jumped back, as he felt his heart sink. He was too scared to speak.

“Well, it looks like some little bitch boy has discovered our plan!” Clover yelled, visibly pissed off.

“Yeah, and now it looks like we have to ‘take care of you’.” Alex explained. 

Jimmy yelped in fear and attempted to run away, only to slip and fall on the ground.

“Too bad fucker, we already tied your shoelaces together while you were mentally jacking off to our escapades!” Alex yelled.

“AHHHGGH! How did you even do that?!” Jimmy yelled, crawling away.

“SHUT UP!” Clover yelled, stomping on Jimmy's lower spine.

Jimmy yelped in pain and immediately gave up. Little bitch…

“Now little Bitch boy, we are going to have to do something EXTRA special with you!” Clover sadistically said, 

“Can we kick him in the Jimmies?!” Alex asked with a chuckle.

“Stop making fun of my name!” Jimmy yelled.

“I was going to say no, but then just remembered how annoying his voice was. So kick him!!!” Clover demanded. 

Sam and Alex rolled Jimmy over and took turns kicking him in the Jimmies. Jimmy was already crying from the first kick and only continued to do so as it went on. Clover took a sip of her Mountain Dew to energize and proceeded to join her partners in kicking Jimmy’s Jimmies, eliciting screams of pain.

Elsewhere, a girl scout could be seen about to ring the doorbell. However, she heard the screams of pain and decided to just leave a box of cookies at their porch.

“NO MORE! PLEASE, NO MORE!” Jimmy pleaded.

“Fine! But only because our feet are starting to hurt!” Clover screamed, right before kicking him one last time.

The three then dragged Jimmy off to make him do their bidding.

“NOOO! NOOOOOO!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!” Jimmy yelled as he tried to getaway.

Alex pulled out her cell phone and dialed a very special number.

"Hello! Is this the sex trafficking hotline? ...Awesome! We have a nice young trap for sale!"

This made Jimmy morbidly nervous. He didn't bother saying anything since he knew just how fucked he was.


To be homosexually continued…

Chapter Text

While Jimmy was being… Uhhh. Rolf and Johnny were off on a camping trip in the Forest. They dressed in their Urban Rangers uniforms and had with them all the necessities for camping. Though, Rolf had brought one extra, very not suspicious thing along with him.

“Say, Rolf, what’s in this moving body bag anyway?” Johnny asked, trying his best to hang onto the bag.

“Ah yes, the luncheon of sexual travesties! Rolf brings with him his temporary fiancee and employee of meaty favors, you see?” Rolf replied.

Johnny stared at him for a moment, not understanding a single word he said.

“Oh, ok.” Johnny replied very blankly.

“Help me…” Nazz muffled from inside the bag. Rolf and Johnny ignored her, of course.

They continued to walk through the Forest, with Johnny getting more and more tired the farther they got. 

“Gee Rolf, why did we have to bring so much stuff?”

“You see wood-boy, the Urban Rangers ride without their third wheel on the tricycle of adventure! The gods have forced us to bear a load one-third greater…” Rolf replied.

Johnny got the gist of what he was saying.

“Yeah, I wonder where Jimmy is anyway. I hope he didn't chicken out of the camping trip!” 

“Mmm, has the femininity of the Urban Rangers decided to become the housewife of cowardice? I should not believe it, lest the eggplants in Rolf’s garden turn to meaty phalli!” Rolf yelled.

Johnny was about to say that he wouldn't be surprised by Jimmy becoming a housewife but tripped on a rock. He fell face-first into some dirt and everything he was carrying dumped over. A tied-up Nazz fell out of the bag and hit the ground hard, knocking the wind out of her. Rolf quickly put Nazz back in the bag and helped Johnny up.

“Ah yes, the place for our outdoor endeavors!” Rolf exclaimed as he began setting up the tent.

The two set up their tents, and get food out. Rolf starts to work on a campfire while Johnny went off to take in the surrounding nature. While out though, he heard something very strange in the distance. 

“Hey Rolf, do you hear that noise? It sounds like a hippopotamus getting spanked by a Transformer!” Johnny yelled.

Rolf stood up.

“What is this sound you speak of? Rolf shall listen and bear the noises of nature!”

 He listened closely to the sound, but couldn't figure out what it was. Though, he could tell that it didn't belong in a forest.

“This sound reminds Rolf of nothing he has witnessed in his time as a shepherd! THE URBAN RANGERS SHALL INVESTIGATE THE DECIBELS OF LIFE’S MYSTERIES!”

Rolf started to speed walk towards the sound. Johnny didn’t even remotely know what the hell Rolf was talking about, so he just followed behind. As they walked closer to it, A faint “Dork...dork...dork...dork…” could be heard in the distance.

“Hey, that voice sounds familiar!” Johnny yelled.

“This voice reminds Rolf of misfortune herself…and her husband, Strife!”

“What is that, some kind of fantasy sitcom?!” Johnny asked.

Before Rolf could respond, he noticed something in the distance. It looked like a weird carjack-trampoline thing. 

“We must make haste, wood-boy!”

Rolf started to jog.

“Hey! Wait for Me and Plank!”

Johnny looked at Plank for a second and held the wooden board up to his ear.

“PLANK!! We can’t kill Rolf just because he’s from a foreign country! That violates human rights, Plank!” Johnny yelled very, very loudly.

Rolf didn’t seem concerned. What a Chad!

Johnny managed to catch up to Rolf and could start to make out what was producing the noise. To his surprise, He could see Kevin tied up to something. Something truly terrible.

“Holy White Jesus! Someone hooked Kevin up to a crotch kicking machine!” Johnny yelled again.

When they finally got up close to the contraption, they got to see it in action.

*KICK* “Dork…” *KICK* “Dork…” *KICK* “Dork…”

This continued with no stop. Kevin looked extremely tired and exhausted. He had not slept since he was hooked up.

“Rolf, we have to free him! No one deserves such a terrible fate!” Johnny yelled, quite horrified.

“Hmm yes, the machine of genital degradation! Rolf has seen many cases of this, yet never one with the steel-toed boot of Lady Misfortune’s injustice!”

The two ran up to the machine and looked around for a way to turn it off. *WHOEVER* had made the machine did a shity job. It didn't appear to have an on and off switch. 

“There just has to be a… Hey, what about this?!”

Johnny pushed a random button, hoping it would end his suffering. Instead, this only caused the kicking to go into turbo mode.

“DORKS DORKS DORKS DORKS DORKS DORKS” Kevin cried out non-stop, as he was repeatedly kicked over and over at turbo speeds.

“Wow, look at it go! The craftsmanship on this machine is great!” Johnny exclaimed, completely forgetting about Kevin’s suffering.

“Mmm yes, unfortunately, we must break the chains of misfortune! If we cannot tame the machinery of the underworld, we must break it at its root!!” Rolf yelled, smashing the machine with a sledgehammer.

Of course, this did the opposite of help. The machine now went even faster, 


Finally, the machine started to smoke, going faster and faster until it finally broke down with one last sledgehammer swing. To their surprise though, the machine blew up, sending Rolf and Johnny flying back. 

“DOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRrrrrrrkkkkssssss….” Kevin screamed as he was thrown high into the air.

Rolf and Johnny stood back up to watch Kevin.

“Wow, look at him go!” Johnny exclaimed.

“Mmm yes, motorcycle-boy Kevin has become the shooting star of the cul de sac!” Rolf commented.

After a few more moments, Kevin started to fall back to Earth. Instead of hitting the ground though, he landed on a tree branch crotch first.

“DORKS!” Kevin yelled in pain.

Kevin fell off of the branch and hit the ground back first. His eyes started to close as he was about to black. But right when he was about to temporarily leave this hell, the boot landed right on his crotch.


Kevin finally blacked out as expected from this much testicle pain. Rolf and Johnny walked up to him and looked on in slight discomfort.

“Wow, I can’t believe he survived that!” Johnny commented.

“Hush there, wood-boy Johnny! Rolf has brought with his outdoor load the marshmallows of tastiness, and the Hershey’s chocolate of tongue-infused wholesomeness!” Rolf yelled as he had somehow already got back to camp and set up a fire.

“SWEET! Hey wait, don’t burn the s’mores!!” Johnny yelled, running back to camp.

The two figured that Kevin would be just fine on his own from this point. We don’t actually know to be honest. It seems like they just kinda forgot about him… What? We don’t control what happens, we just tell you. This is a totally true non-fictitious story, after all, we’re sure this happened in a parallel universe somewhere!

...Speaking of which. Something else is actually happening with Double D. 

“Double D!!! Where are YOOOOUUUU!!!” Alex yelled.

Double D had managed to break out of his house due to some MacGuyver-Esque escapades and was on the run from the Spies.

“Day Two of my life as a sexual fugitive. They found out of my escape from the shower and are now after me… I don’t know how much longer I can take it! I don’t have anything against them, but they’re going insane for no reason! Hopefully, all goes well and they just forget about me…” Double D wrote in his journal.

Everyone who’s read up to this point should know by now that wasn’t going to be the case.

“Sam, what the fuck are you doing?” Alex asked, noticing a moving cardboard box on the ground.

“SHHHHHH!! I’m on the move to find Double D, and I’ll suck his Solid Snake as soon as I find him! We have to make him feel more welcome!” Sam replied.

A laugh track could be heard in the background, as Alex played a canned audience sound effect for Sam’s terrible pun. Alex and Sam smiled like theater performers, though Clover was nowhere to be seen.

Double D watched on from a bush. He wa- stop laughing! He was absolutely terrified of being found out and wished that he could just make a break for it. As he watched though, he was suddenly grabbed from behind and pulled out.

“NO NO! PLEASE, I CA… S-S-Sarah?!”

Sarah stared at Double D with pure anger in her eyes. 


The Spies overheard this and saw Sarah holding up Double D by the collar. This massively pissed them off.


As it turned out, Clover was searching the rooftop of a nearby house. She jumped off the roof and landed on top of Sarah, roughing her up a bit. As Sarah was coughing up a little blood, Sam ran up and started to repeatedly stomp Sara.

Double D attempted to slip away, but was grabbed by Alex. She gave him a big hug and a tear-filled crazy smile.

“OHHHH DOUBLE D!!!! You had us so worried… Why didn't you tell us that Sara was after you?”

Double D would’ve asked the Spies to not hurt Sarah since he knew they were going to, but truth be told...he hated Sarah’s guts. Also, he couldn’t breathe since Alex was hugging him so tightly, so he couldn’t tell them even if he wanted to.

Which he didn’t.

“Well, don't you worry handsome! I’m going to lock you in a completely locked room so that no one can ever go after you again!” Alex exclaimed happily as she continued to hug Double D.

“OOOOHH, YOU’D BETTER TELL ME WHERE JIMMY IS!” Sarah yelled as even Clover and Sam struggled to contain her.

“Wow! This bitch is very resilient!” Clover commented while trying to strangle Sarah.

“Yeah, it looks like I'll have to use my elephant tranquilizer!” Sam yelled, pulling out what looked like a hunting rifle and shooting a dart at Sarah’s stomach.

“” Sarah said calmly as she fell fast asleep.

“Man, that put her to sleep fast!” Clover commented.

“But not as fast as a good night’s masturbation!” Alex exclaimed, with another canned laugh track playing.

The girls shared a laugh and made their way back inside. Clover and Sam dragged Sarah while Alex carried Double D. At this point, Double D had passed out from being hugged for too long.

Chapter Text

Sara's vision slowly started to return to her. A very sinister yet soothing voice could be heard.

"It's for you." A nurse lady said calmly.

 Sarah woke up to realize that she was in a hospital room. The Three Spies walked in, dressed up as sexy bimbo nurses in mini-skirts. Bitches weren’t even wearing bras, just tight nurse outfits exposing the cleavage and barely hiding the nipple. They basically just looked like strippers, way better than the ones you see on Instagram though.

Sam was holding a cell phone in her hand. She held the phone up to Sara. What she heard caused her heart to sink.

"Sara! The Spies captured me and turned me into a trap! I'm currently in prison an-"

"Yo bitch! Get back here and sit on my dick!" A very large sounding prisoner yelled.


The call abruptly ended, leaving Sarah to wonder what kind of faggotry Jimmy was enduring.


Sara tried to reach for the spies, only to realize that she was tied down.

“Is someone getting their hands on Jimmy good enough?” Alex asked only half sarcastically.

Sarah began to get very pissed off, trying to get out of the hospital bed. This annoyed the spies, so Sam injected some numbing shit into her.

“See what resisting gets you?! Now you can't even move around at all!!!" Sam yelled.

"Uhhh… She already cou-" 

"SHUT UP CLOVER! ...We have work to do." 

The Spies all kept wearing their bimbo big titty nurse outfits as they prepared to do ‘Surgery’ on Sarah.

"Alright girls, this patient is suffering from stupid fucking bitch syndrome. We will have to act fast if we want to 'save' her." Sam said, very leader-like. 


“Well, okay! I played twelve hours of Surgeon Simulator so I should be good to go!” Sam yelled as she pulled out a scalpel and tons of drugs.

Sara was both horrified, and enraged by this.



Clover grabbed a random syringe and injected Sara with it. Sara started to violently twitch and foam at the mouth, making the Spies cringe a bit.

"Hey Clover, what did you stick her with anyway?" Sam asked. 

“Heroin, and lots of it!” Clover replied.

“Ooh, I wanna try I wanna try!!” Alex yelled.

Alex grabbed another random shot and stuck it right in her neck. She slowly, wobbly and shittily injected the weird-looking liquid while laughing a bit.

"I don't recognize that one. What is it?" Clover asked.

"I have no idea! That’s what makes this fun!" Alex yelled.

“This just has Russian writing on it.” Sam said as she grabbed the bottle.

“Heh, that figures. Man, Sarah’s seen better days though.” Alex replied.

Meanwhile, Sarah looked like she was having an incredibly terrible stroke.

“Uh guys, I think she might die soon.” Clover added.

“I’M NN-N-N-N-N-NO-O-O-T DE-E-E-E-AAAAAD!!” Sarah yelled with an ill fervor as she twisted her head to the right and closed one eye.

“Surgery time already, eh? Let’s play ‘Toss the Scalpel!’” Alex yelled.

“That sounds dangerous and horribly irresponsible. But also fun, so let’s do it!” Sam commented.

Alex threw a scalpel and hit Sarah in the shoulder, eliciting a scream of pain.

“Shoulder surgery? Well, she did feel a bit tense! Let’s hop to it!” Sam yelled, pulling out a miniature saw blade.

Without any other warning or anesthesia (the numbing stuff doesn't stop the pain, just stops her from moving), Sam started to saw off Sara's left arm. Sara cried and struggled as she felt the saw rip her flesh and tear her bone. The Doom Slayer would be proud.

Alex slapped the shit out of Sam as Sarah’s arm popped off.

“You dumbass, we’re supposed to give her shoulder surgery not arm surgery! Now that bloody stump is gonna get infected if we don’t reattach the arm soon.” Alex stated as Sarah just cried while seizing.

“Oh shit, you’re right! CLOVER, GET THE STITCHES!” Sam yelled.

“All I have is some glue and this staple gun.” Clover replied.

“I have a baggie clamp for my Cool Ranch Doritos.” Alex added.

“Gimme the staple gun!” Sam yelled again as she began her surgery.

Clover handed Sam the staple gun, and Sam got to work. She began putting Sarah’s arm back on, making Sarah scream in pain with each staple.

“Uh, Sam?” Alex asked.

“Not now! The doctor is at work!”


“Wait, I am? OH SHIT, I’M PUTTING THE ARM ON THE WRONG WAY!” Sam screamed.

These nurses were not doing their job properly.

“Oh well, I’ll help you fix that!” Alex replied, twisting the half-stapled arm and pulling it off harshly.

“AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” Sarah yelled in agonizing pain.

“Hey, check this out! If I squeeze the arm just right, blood comes out of the cut veins!” Alex said as she started playing with the arm.

“Coooooooool.” Sam replied.

Alex bit into the bloody part of the disembodied arm.

“I’m a vampire now! Bleh bleh bleeeeeh!”

“Alright, gimme that!” Sam yelled as she pulled the arm away from Alex, accidentally breaking one of the fingers.

“Uh...we can fix that later.” Clover stated.

“Shit, we gotta get that thing back on soon! Sarah looks like she’s about to pass out!” Alex yelled.

“WAIT! I HAVE AN IDEA!!” Clover yelled, taking out a piece of bubblegum and a power drill.

“No no no, we’re not trying the Mission Impossible shit aga—WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!?” Sam yelled, seeing Clover drill holes in Sarah’s stump and glue together some Lincoln Logs.

“Shut up, I’m thinking!” Clover yelled, sticking the now chewed bubblegum into Sarah’s stump.

“Whatever. Let’s roll with it.” Clover replied, helping to stitch Sarah’s arm back on as Clover tried to attach it by other, completely retarded means.

Outside the room, a certain little bastard was making his way into the room.

"Man, how am I supposed to get rich from those pornos when those psycho spies keep sending me to the hospital?!" Eddy complained, to himself.

When he walked in, his angry expression turned to one of complete and utter shock.


The spies all turned to face Eddy, as a bit of blood sprayed out of Sarah.

“What AREN’T we doing?” Sam asked confused.

“Relax Jew-boy, we’re just helping reattach your girlfriend’s arm. Oops.” Alex said as Sarah’s arm popped back off.

Sarah let out another scream of agony as Sam tried to stitch it back on. Somehow, someway, it was actually kind of working this time.

“Why do I have to do this anyway?! Attaching all these stupid nerve endings back together is hard, damn it!!” Sam yelled.

“Power through it, Sam! Ugh, anyway, you’d better not tell anyone about this Eddy! If you do, we’ll give you an involuntary sex change operation!” Clover yelled.

Eddy took this advice and ran out of the hallway.

“That ought to do it!... I think.” Sam said as she wiped the sweat from her forehead.

"Yeah, but just in case…" Alex added as she pulled out her cellphone.

"Hey, Jenny? Could you kick Eddy in the nuts on his way out, please? We’d really appreciate it."

"Certainly, Alex dear." Jenny at the front desk replied.

The Spies waited a few seconds and heard the unmistakable sound. A very loud “OOOOWWWW!!” could be heard from near the entrance Ahh, perfect! OH! Sam, is her arm looking okay??” Alex asked.

“Well, it’s not blue or purple anymore. That’s a good sign, right?” Sam replied, her outfit stained with blood.

“You...bitches…” A half-conscious Sarah replied.

“Wait. Did we forget the anesthetic?” Alex asked.

“What anesthetic?” Clover replied.

“...never mind. Go get the anesthetic, Sam!” Alex yelled.

“All I have is this ammonia and bleach.” Sam replied.

“That ought to do it! Mix it together, I’ll get the masks!” Alex said with a thumbs up.

Sam started mixing ammonia and bleach together, only to get a horrible smell.

“HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT SMELL?!??” Some old man in the other room yelled.

“Close the door will you?!” Sam yelled.

“Fine fine, geez. Also, what’s that awful smell?!” Alex yelled.

The Spies had already hooked up the mask to Sarah and accidentally on purpose began giving her mustard gas.

“JESUS FUCK SAM, WHY WOULD I TELL YOU THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA!!? THAT WAS THE OPPOSITE OF A GOOD IDEA!” Alex yelled, quickly undoing the anesthesia medication system thingy.

They managed to get it off right before it could have killed Sarah. Though her face had partially melted off and she probably wished that she was dead.

"Wow! We suck at this job!" Clover yelled out, super happily.

"Well, no shit! That's why we're sexy spies and not sexy nurses!" Alex replied. 

"Girls girls! We can still save her life! We ju-...Wait, why would we want to save her life? She assaulted Double D!"

Angry faces formed on their faces. 


In a fit of rage, Alex pulled out the scalpel and dug into Sarah’s shoulder. Sara made noises that sounded like cries of pain, while the spies maintained their pissed off faces. 

“THEY SAID DOING SURGERY WHILE ANGRY WASN’T A GOOD IDEA AND IT WASN’T!” Alex yelled, accidentally cutting into the bone.

“Come...on...push...THROUGH!” Alex yelled, slipping to the right and accidentally breaking Sarah’s collarbone.

“Oopsie poopsie! Welp looks like it’s time for collarbone surgery!” Alex said as she stuck the scalpel next to Sarah’s neck and yanked out the broken bone.

“JESUS FUCK ALEX!!” Sam yelled as she was about to vomit.

“Relax relax, I got this.” Alex yelled.

Sarah, of course, was screaming with pain this whole time.

“Man, you’d think the mustard gas would have put her out but no…bitch has some serious endurance.” Clover added.

Alex took out a roll of tape and duct-taped the collar bone back together, sticking it back into Sarah’s open wound.

“That ought to do it! Where should we do surgery next?!” Alex yelled.

The girls thought for a moment and came up with a truly great idea.

"Leg surgery!" The girls yelled in unison.  

“First, we have to injure the leg!” Alex yelled, picking up a chair.

Alex smashed the chair against Sarah’s leg, making her scream in pain.

“OOH, that’s gotta hurt! I’ll beat it up a bit just to be sure!” Sam yelled as she began punching Sarah’s now broken leg.


“Uh...brain surgery too!” Clover yelled as she whacked Sarah over the head with a tool tray, the supplies flying across the room almost in a comical fashion.

"No no no! THIS is how you cause brain damage!" Alex yelled while grabbing the power drill.

Alex put the drill directly on the left side of Sara's head and started to drill into her brain. Sarah mumbled and violently shook as the drill got deeper and deeper in her brain. Before she knew it, she had completely forgotten what her name was. 

"There! Now her brain is nice and damaged!" Alex announced, with a proud look on her face.

The other girls looked down at Sara's bleeding hole in her head and realized something.

"Wait, we don't know how to perform brain surgery." Clover said. 

“...EXACTLY!” Alex yelled back.

“We dunno how to perform brain surgery…” Sarah repeated, a bit of blood spraying from her head hole.

“Wait hold on hold on, I have a funny idea. Hey Sarah...I am a faggot.” Clover whispered to Sarah.

“I am a faggot…” Sarah repeated blankly.

“Hah, that’s awesome! Lemme try one...Hey Sarah, I masturbate to pictures of Hitler!” Alex added.

“I massassturbatayte to pictituuress of Hititler…” Sarah replied while drooling a bit.

“Aw man, she messed up the line!” Alex yelled.

“No, I think she’s just retarded now. She should heal soon from that though!” Clover replied, not knowing how brain damage worked.

“Well, what the fuck are we supposed to do with her now? We can't kill a retard, that would be waaaaaayyyy too fucked up!” Sam wondered.

“Too fucked up for US? You mean too fucked up for YOU, watch this shit!” Clover replied as she pulled out a .44 Magnum.

Clover shot Sarah in the gut, blood exploding across the room. Sarah stopped breathing for a few seconds, only to wake back up and groan a bit.

“Ouchiewawa! The b-b-bulleterectongy hit myayayin azhoole in the guttarut!” Sarah exclaimed, pooping out a bit of blood.


“Oh fuck, you’re right! Guess we have to approach this logically, huh?”

The Spies all thought for a while until they got an idea.


Later that day…


Alex pulled a wheelchaired Sarah into the local Retard School, which was just twenty minutes away from Peach Creek. The Spies brought Sarah to the front desk, as the desk lady played with her cell phone. She also had an edgy VHS filter on her Twitter account, but we’re getting off-topic.

“Hello, we have a retard that we would like to get ri- give a nice new home!” Sam explained, with a fake smile. 

The lady looked up from her phone and nearly vomited at the sight of Sarah. 

”Holy Jesus, is she okay? Looks like her face got stuck in a lawnmower!” The desk lady yelled.

”Minus the broken leg, the brain damage, the maimed collarbone, the melted face, the arm stitches, the blood loss, and the drug overdose-infused stroke and seizure among other things, she’s perfectly fine!” Alex explained while smiling.

”I have a b-b-bullet in my vaginaabbigator.” Sarah replied.

The Lady looked at them with a mix of shock and confusion. 

“Y-You are covered in her blood! And for the love of God, you’re wearing stripper outfits! There are kids around here!”

“And?” Alex argued.

“Kids shouldn’t be allowed to see this stuff!!” The Lady yelled.

“Why?” Alex argued still.

“That’s pedophilia!” The Lady yelled, louder this time.

“And?” Alex replied.

“AND, if you don’t high tail it out of here, I’ll get a SWAT team to lock you up!”

The spies exchanged worried looks, then looked back at the Lady.

“Well… Then you should probably take her in, or else YOU will end up like her…” Clover threatened.

The Lady sighed, she didn’t feel like getting into a shootout in public.

“Fine, we’ll take her in. What’d you say her name was?” The Desk Lady asked.

“Sarah the stup- Uhhh, just Sarah.” Alex said.

“The last name too, please.”

“Oh, her full name? Sarah, uh...actually we don’t know her last name.”

The Lady looked down and sighed.

“Give me a moment, I'll see if I can find any of her family.”

The Lady typed her name in, and someone immediately came up. Her eyes when wide when she saw just who she was related to.

“Wait, she’s Ed’s sister?”

The Spies realized this could work out for the better.

“Why yes, she is...who’s asking?” Clover asked like a gangster, filing her nails a bit.

“Clover stop it, you don’t look ‘tough’.” Sam butted in.

“We had a student named Ed a while ago who escaped from school premises and hasn’t shown back up since. Where’s this Sarah girl from, exactly?” The Desk Lady asked.

“Peach Creek. And if you take Sarah in, no questions asked, we’ll guide you to his house.” Clover replied.


The Lady went off with Sarah and requested a guard to talk with the spies. They explained the deal and went back to Peach Creek with him. 

“Ok so, Ed's house is over there.” Sam explained while pointing to Ed's house.

“Thanks, ladies. I’ll go give the coordinates to the school, and be back.”

The man left while whispering something into a walky-talky.

“Well now that that's over, let's get everyone around and film another porno!” Sam said while doing a pose in the air.

“OMG! I was thinking the same thing!” Clover replied, doing the same pose.

“Yeah! And we already have sexy nurse costumes on!!!” Alex added, also doing the same pose.

Eddy got off a bus while watching in horror as the Spies did the pose in midair and flung a bit of blood onto the street. He couldn’t bear to watch their antics anymore after what they did to Sarah. As he tried to get away though, Alex heard him running.

“Hey, Jew Boy! Go grab the camera and get the other two! We have another porno to film!”

Eddy didn't respond and ran to his house to grab the camera. He didn’t want them going psycho on him. The Spies posed in midair for a bit longer, reenacting a few anime openings. Eventually, the Spies went back down to the ground and ran off to get Double D.

Chapter Text

 “OHHH GOD! I’M GOING TO LOSE MY MIND!!!!” Double D yelled while pulling on his hat.

 It even surprises us that Double D hadn’t lost his mind already.
 The spies had trapped him in his room and made sure there was no way anyone could get in or out. The isolation was starting to get to Double D. To make things worse, the spies had put up naked posters of themselves all around his wall. No matter where he looked, he only saw naked spies. 
 No, we’re not talking about Austin Powers. Different naked spy.

  As Double D was pacing around his room, a green gas suddenly filled the room. Double D started to panic even more but was quickly overcome with a very tiring feeling. As he tried to make sense of the situation, he blacked out.

 A few hours passed, and Double D woke up to see that he was now in Ed's room. Though, something was a bit off about it. His entire room had been half-assedly made to look like a locker room.

 Right after Double D’s outburst of haremly frustrated nerd rage, the Spies walked in wearing their blood covered nurse outfits. Behind them, Ed Eddy and Jerry followed behind.

 “Yay! Double D finally woke up!” Alex excitedly yelled. 
 Double D immediately started to panic. He tried to move away from them but realized that he was handcuffed to a random pipe that wasn't there before.


 “How could you say that?? You lost your virginity ages ago. You must not be remembering it properly!” Clover yelled.

 Double D was about to lose his Double Shit.

 “Well yeah! We left him in the gas-filled room because YOU misplaced the keys! Who knows how many brain cells he lost?!” Sam replied, visibly angry.


 “Aww! That’s the nicest thing you ever said to us!” Sam replied, now very happy.

 Double D angrily looked around to room in frustration and noticed that Eddy looked a lot more scared than usual. This immediately confused Double D.

 “What’s wrong Eddy? You look like stir-fried shit...ake mushrooms!” 

 Eddy started to sweat profusely.

 “Yeeeaaahhh Eddyyy, what's wrooong?” Clover asked.

 Eddy was too scared to respond.

 “Ohh, I get it! He’s nervous because he has a special role in the porno! Riiight Eddy?” Alex added.

 Eddy was extremely confused. And scared. And horny. Among other things.

 “Uhh, what? B-B-But don’t you need me to work the camera?” Eddy asked, still shaking.

 “Naaaaa, Jerry can work the camera!” Sam replied.

 “I gotcha fellas! Not the first time I’ve filmed porn!” Jerry Lawler said, holding the camera in place.

 “Yay! Now, go and bully Double D, Eddy!” Alex commanded.

 Eddy was still confused but did exactly as she said. He walked into the shot and tried his best to look tough.

 “Hey, sockhead! You look like you want an atomic wedgie!” Eddy yelled with a big frown and a big iron on his hip.

 ...he didn’t actually have a big iron on his hip. He just liked to think he did.

 “Eddy, I don’t think this is such a good idea…” Double D insisted.

 “NOW LISTEN HERE, TWERP!! I GOT A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU…” Eddy yelled, just before noticing the Spies getting visibly fucking furious.



 Eddy started to back away.

 "B-But you told me to bully him!!!”

 The Spies obviously ignored this.

 Clover grabbed Eddy’s arms and held them in place, while Sam and Alex grabbed him by the underpants.

 “TOTALLY HEAVE THAT SHIT!!” Sam and Alex screamed as they yanked Eddy’s underwear over the top of his head.

 “WHY?! I WAS DOING AS YOU SAID!!!” Eddy yelled while holding his ass in pain.


 The Spies picked Eddy up and took him to Ed’s disgusting bathroom. 

 “Be careful in there. I haven't flushed for weeks!” Ed yelled in the background.

 “We know! That’s why we brought him in here!” Alex replied.

 “No problemo, spy lady!” Ed commented as he flashed the ‘OK’ hand sign.
 Eddy knew what they were about to do, as did pretty much everyone reading at this point. Eddy took one look at the brown water and mold-covered toilet and gagged a bit from the stench.

 “NO!!! PLEASE NOOOOO!!!! I'LL DO ANYTH-” *Splash*

 The Spies shoved Eddy's face in the disgusting toilet while Jerry filmed the entire thing. 

 “I already stocked the pond with big, brown bass just an hour ago! The boom boom department is fresh with new deposits, huh huh!” Ed dumbly said as he watched.

 The Spies repeatedly dunked Eddy in harshly, holding his arms behind him so he couldn’t get out. Alex kicked him in the gut, making Eddy vomit into the brown water. However, he just sucked it back in his mouth when he tried to breathe. He wound up swallowing a bunch of shitty toilet water, making him vomit a second time.

 “YOU LIKE THAT HUH??!” Alex yelled, kicking him in the nuts with full force from behind.

 Eddy let out a scream of pain from underwater, making him choke on the swallowed shit-water a bit. Sam and Clover yanked Eddy's head out and smashed his face against the toilet seat. Water, shit and vomit splashed all over.

 “LICK THE FUCKING TOILET!” Sam yelled, pressing Eddy’s face against the moldy seat.

 “PLEASE STOOOOOOOOOOOO-OOO-OOO-P!!” Eddy yelled as his face was grinded against the mold.

 “Oh, you don’t wanna do it huh? NURSE CLOVER! THE PATIENT NEEDS TO TAKE HIS SHIT MEDICINE!” Sam yelled.

 “Oh my, is the patient refusing to swallow his food! Well, I can fix that!” Clover shouted as she pulled out a kid’s sand shovel.

 “I’d be more shocked about this if Eddy didn’t kind of deserve it…” Double D thought to himself.

 Clover pressed the shovel against the moldy toilet and scraped a bunch of gunk off the side.

 “Wow, that part of the potty hasn’t shined as long as I’ve been alive!” Ed commented.

 “’re going too far!! Stop it!” Eddy yelled fearfully.

 Without a second thought, Clover shoved the shovel in Eddy’s mouth. Eddy desperately tried to spit it out, but this pissed Sam off.

 “CHEW! AND!! SWALL!!! OW!!!!” Sam yelled, palming Eddy in the back of the head with each word yelled.


 ...Jesus. Didn’t know Alex was into that. Wait, hold on a second. Why is our ‘Double D Getting Laid Alarm™’ going off?

 (The Double D Getting Laid Alarm can be bought for 420 payments of $69.69, or a blowjob to the CEO of Sex, Inc. He only uses the cash for hookers, so to any haters of the one percent, have no fear! Horny fucker.)

 “OH...OH LORDY!” Yelled a currently milfed-up Double D.

 Alex looked over to see the Spies’ moms giving Double D a Triple Suck.

 “M-M-MOM?! I thought Child Protective Services arrested you for having underage lesbian sex with me!” Alex yelled.

 ...What the fuck is even going on anymore? Anyway…

 “They did, but I only got 2 years for that because the judge thought the videos were smoking hot!” Carmen yelled.

 Yes, the moms have names. Alex’s mom is named Carmen, Sam’s mom is named Gabriella, and Clover’s mom is named Stella. Remember that now, because we sure won’t.

 ...penis but not just gay, penis but bisexual.

 The Spies watched in anger as their moms delivered mind-numbing levels of pleasure to Double D’s Double D. The skill on display was even greater than what even the Spies were capable of.


 “HE IS OUR PERFECT MAN!!!” Clover added.

 “I-I’M NOT A MAAAAAN!!! I’M JUST A B-BOOOOOOY!!!!” Double D screamed, trying his best to not blast his fire hydrant all over the firehouse.

 ...or something like that.

 The Spies let go of Eddy and ran up to their moms. Eddy fell to the ground while vomiting the mold all over the bathroom. Despite all of the disgusting shit though, he was relieved. Even though he landed on the back of his head.

 “Oh god...It’s all over now boys, I’m finally free!!” Eddy yelled.

 Speaking of boys, the contents of the toilet manifested into Astolfo. Completely naked and very angry, we should add. ...No, we don’t know why either. It’s a religious thing we guess.

 “Who has disturbed my porcelain slumber!?” Astolfo yelled.

 Eddy looked up, and his eyes grew to the size of dartboards.


 “Eddy?! Well, I hope your ass is ready for another round!!!”

 Astolfo slammed the door shut, and started to violate Eddy.

 "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!! MY ASS IS MORE ON FIRE THAN MY HOUSE WAS!!” Eddy yelled, making a very good callback to Kevin’s beating.

 As it turned out, Astolfo had summoned Saber to strike Eddy with lightning that night. Unlimited Gay Works, amiright?

 “Wow! Eddy sure knows how to have a bad day!” Ed commented.

 “God, I wish that was me! Oh well, Double D is just as good if not better!” Clover’s mom who we already forgot the name of yelled. Oh, wait that’s right, her name is Stella.

 “It will be better after he cums on our faces!” Carmen yelled, then immediately sucking one of Double D’s nuts.


 “You sure know how to rev up the motorcycle wheels of sexualness, Double D!” Ed commented.

 “THAT’S NOT A WORD AND YOU KNOW IT!” Double D yelled, not knowing that Ed just came up with it and would later petition to have it added to Merriam-Webster. A true lad, Ed is.

 “Wait, shit! We got distracted by Eddy’s suffering!” Alex yelled, the exclamation point sound effect from Metal Gear Solid playing.

 “Yeah! We need to stop our stupid moms from stealing our cumshot!” Clover yelled.

 But it was too late.

 “GGGHHHHAAAAAAAAA!!!!” Double D yelled as he came all over the mothers.

 His legs went numb, and so did his mind. It was as if his soul was actually sucked out. But they didn’t stop, they kept sucking like the greedy nutty (see what we did there) whores they were. Just as Double Ds eyes started to roll back into his head and he uttered Satanic-sounding phrases, the Spies tackled their respective moms onto the ground.

 “Wow! Double D’s eyes are like a tricycle wheel, Eddy!” Ed yelled.

 Eddy replied with more screaming as he was anally ass-aulted.

 “Eddy is so stunned that he’s yelling with fear! GO DOUBLE D, CRACK THE WALNUTS LIKE A SQUIRREL!” Ed yelled very dumbly.

 “YOU CUNTS! LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO OUR DOUBLE D!!!” Sam yelled while choking her mom.

 “OHHHH, HARDER HONEY!” Gabriella yelled.

 “AHHHHH! NO MOM! NOOOO!!!” Alex screamed while having a PTSD flashback.

 “OHHHH YELL SWEETY! LET ME SCISSOR YOU JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!!!” Carmen yelled at the top of her incestuous lungs.

 “Last time I tried to scissor my mommy, there was red stuff on the kitchen table!” Ed yelled.

 “WHO’S UP FOR SOME BONDING!!?” Stella yelled.

 Clover started to shake a bit. She was used to fucking her dad but not her mom.

 “Too bad we never had a threesome…” Stella said in her best porn star voice.

 Clover gulped. This might be too much for her.

 “NO! YOU’RE NOT IN THIS ALONE, CLOVER! WE’LL DO OUR MOMS AS A TRIO!” Alex yelled as she snapped out of her PTSD state.

 “Our mothers will bow before our Bi-Sexual Power.” Sam said like an edgy anime protagonist.

 “Wow, this porno sure has an engaging story, folks!” Jerry commented while continuing to record. 

 “Mommy-son boner-bonding is more fun to watch than it is to do, Jerry!” Ed commented, with serious incestuous implications.

 ...fuck. That would explain a lot actually.

 “I can be your mommy later, Ed…” Carmen said seductively.

 “Yowza howza, Double D! Alex’s mom wants my bratwurst between her watermelon holders! A huh huh!” Ed yelled happily.

 Double D replied with a groan and a bit of drool.

 “You’re so right about that but also so wrong, Ed. You honestly amaze me at times, friend!” Jerry replied.

 The Spies and the Porno Moms began their Sex Battle. Alex decided to play more Pokemon music in the background, except now it sounded similar to smooth jazz.

 “I always did like your taste in music, dear! Among other ‘tastes’, at least…” Carmen stated incestuously.

 “Oh no, please make more bad sex puns! I INCEST!” Alex yelled.

 “Yeah, maybe we should give mother-daughter relationships A SHOTA!” Sam yelled.

 "OH MY GOD, SHUT UP AND HELP ME!!"A very distraught Eddy yelled from the bathroom.

 “ENOUGH PUNS! Time to get down to business!” Gabriella yelled.

 “LEEET’S GET DOOOOWN TO BUSINEEEESS!” Alex yelled like the warrior guy from Mulan.

 Suddenly Carmen tackled Alex to the ground and ripped her shirt off, immediately sucking her daughter’s nipples.

 “AA-A-AAAAAAHHHHH!!” Alex yelled like a hentai video.

 Stella and Clover wrestled for a bit but eventually got into a naked scissoring position.

 "You stand no chance sweaty, I've been scissoring since before you were even born! Hell, even while I was pregnant with you!"

 “No wonder my head always hurts! You pregnant-sex having hoore!” Clover yelled, mispronouncing ‘whore’ due to her fetal mental disabilities.

 No wonder she was so willing to kill Sarah. Eeeesh.

 “Oh, that’s nothing! I’m going to scissor you so hard that you that even Double D couldn't get you wet anymore!” Stella yelled.

 Clover turned red with rage.


 “We’ll scissor you hard enough to replicate the Challenger, you milfy, uh...pilf-gilf...whatever! YEAH!!” Alex yelled in the background.

 “Quiet dear, I know how sensitive your nipples are!” Carmen shouted, then continued to suck Alex’s nipples harder.

 “G-G-GHHHHAAAAA!!! NO MORE MOM! NO MOOOOOORE!!!!!” Alex screamed as she kneed her mom in the gut.

 This had the opposite effect since Alex knocked the wind out of Carmen, making her suck harder. Alex yelled like an air raid siren with pleasure, making Ed and Jerry very entertained.

 “So this is how Double D feels, a huh huh!” Ed commentated.

 “TOUCHDOWN FOR THE BOOMERS! CARMEN SANDIEGO IS GOING TO THE WWE SUCKDOOOOOWN!!” Jerry yelled, forgetting that they were just filming a porno.

 “WHY WON'T SOMEONE HELP MEEEEEE?!?!?!” Eddy cried out.

 Meanwhile, Sam and Gabriella were doing...wait what the fuck? Uhh…

 “I’LL SUCK THE PISS OUT OF THERE WITH A STRAW IF I HAVE TO!!” Gabriella yelled, prying open Sam’s vagina.

 This is going really off script, but uh...what are we supposed to do?

 “I WANT THE GAMER GIRL PEE NOW!” Gabriella yelled, sticking a straw inside Sam’s urethra.

 Sam's eyes started to twitch as the straw was inserted.


 Ed was about to make an attempt at commentary, but he heard the sound of an armored jeep pulling up and went into Call of Duty mode.

 “I AM CAPTAIN SPERGIMUS, CHEESE AND MACARONI!!” Ed yelled, running to his closet to get his guns and stuff.

 Just at that moment, Eddy goose-stepped out of the bathroom like he had just been buttfucked by an angry crossdresser (which he had). The first thing Eddy saw was Ed breaking out what looked like an entire armory. Eddy heard static, and Ed pulled out a radio.

 “ED! ROACH IS IN TROUBLE! COMMANDER SON OF A SHEPHERD HAS BETRAYED THE US ARMY!” Ghost from the Call of Duty: Modern Warfare series yelled over the radio.


 “Return what, blockhead?!” Eddy yelled, before hearing a loud whirring.

 “DUCK AND COVER, DUCK AND COVER!” Ed yelled, tackling Eddy to the ground.

 Before Eddy could get pissed off, a hole was blown in the wall by plastic explosives. A machine gun turret started firing rounds through the house as Ed carried Eddy and ran off.

 While Ed and Eddy were busy with that, The Spies and their moms ignored the US Army. Some soldiers stayed behind to watch, cheering on the mom/daughter WWE Suckdown Six-Way Gag-Team Match.

 “Don’t resist Ed! Just come with us back to the school, and we can all just drop our weapons!”


 “Uh...I guess I’m the only one commentating now, folks! OOOH, AND ALEX DELIVERS THE COUNTERATTACK!” Jerry yelled as Alex bit Carmen’s nipple.


 “Wha!? Are yhou ftill lactafing?!” Alex yelled in a muffled tone as she began to succ mommy’s nipple.

 “OOOHHHHHH!! HARDER DEAR, HARDER!!!” Carmen yelled as milk came out of her nipple.

 “Another fetish down, still at least a few dozen to go though!” Jerry commentated.

 The Spies and their moms heard Eddy and Ed yelling and running past the window.

 “TACTICAL NUKE INCOMING!!” Ghost yelled through the radio.

 “Tactical WHAT!!?” Eddy yelled.

 “Tactical what? A huh huh!” Ed replied, running awkwardly and not caring about the chances of getting killed in the slightest.

 The soldiers ran away and got back in the Jeep. The Jeep sped away, completely abandoning the mission. The Spies and their moms noticed everyone running.

 “Wait, A Tactical Nuke?” Carmen said.

 “Fuck! We aren’t dying in this shit hole!” Stella added.

 The moms quickly made their way out of the house, leaving the Spies alone with Double D and Jerry. Though, Jerry got the hell out of there when he decided that more porn was not worth dying for… Yet.

 “...wait. Goddamn it, we should’ve just pointed the retard school towards Kevin’s house!” Sam yelled.

 “Yeah, you’re right! Why didn’t we think of that shit earlier, godfuck SHIT, ass testicles!” Clover shouted.

 Alex had no words to convey how fucking stupid she felt.

 “Let’s just get Double D to safety, and talk about this later! We cant pleasure him if he's killed in a nuclear strike!” Alex yelled.

 “PUSSY SO GOOD IT’S NUCLEAR! That should be our tagline!” Clover realized.

 The Spies all had a laugh as they ran off into the distance. A few moments later, the nuke struck the house. Despite it being a fucking nuke though, only about half of the cul-de-sack was destroyed in the blast. No one was hurt, except for all the unimportant characters.

 ...penis, but in ur mom.

Chapter Text

Elsewhere, the Kanker sisters heard a deafening explosion. This was followed by earthquake levels of shaking, putting all there Kankers on their asses. 

“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!!” A very angry Lee Kanker yelled.

Marie managed to stand up and make it to a nearby window. In the distance, she could see a mushroom cloud.

“Looks like someone set off a bomb! I bet it was Double D finally getting back at all those bastards!” Marie yelled.

“Hah, those sultry slut faces deserve it! Making us wait that long for our dick—I mean loving relationships, yeah!” May yelled. 

The two share a laugh. Lee wasn't as enthused though.

“You idiots! If our men DID set off that bomb, then they would have died as well! ...Wait, even if they didn't set it off, then they still might be dead!!!”

The other two abruptly stopped laughing and gave each other worried looks.

“OH NOOO!!! DOUBLE D!!!!!” Marie cried, at the top of her lungs.

The Kankers rushed out of their trailer in a trailer park frenzy. They couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty about not just using sex to seduce them in the first place. 

“OUR BOYFRIENDS GOT HIROSHAT ON!” May yelled, making an absolutely awful play on words. Seriously, this was bad even by their standards.

They managed to make it to the partly obliterated Cul De Sac in mere seconds of endless running. All around them, they could see nothing but nuclear fallout and what used to be houses. 

“There used to be fifty people here, now it’s a Buttered Toast town…” May said, in a somber tone.

While looking around, Marie noticed some rummaging around in a pile of debris. She quickly ran up to it and started to clear it. A very shaken up Eddy popped out of the rubble, visibly traumatized, though not from the explosion.

“Hey, Lee! I found your man!” Marie yelled, a little disappointed.

Lee immediately ran up to Eddy and bear-hugged him, moving faster than the naked eye could see because of her sexual stamina. She nearly crushed his ribs in the process. 

“AGGGGHHHHH!!” An over hugged Eddy yelled, being squeezed like a stress ball.

“You have no idea how worried I was about you! Now GET READY FOR YOUR MEDICINE HONEY!!” Lee yelled, uh...Kankeriffically.

Once again, we’re not good with adjectives.

“What!? What are yo- WWOHHAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!” Eddy yelled as Lee grabbed onto Eddy's cock.

“I’m not waiting anymore! My man is getting a blow job, and he’s getting it RIGHT NOW!!!”

For once, will Eddy have a fun or even decent time with anything?! Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!

*Three episodes of filler and steroid-induced wrestler yelling later*

“BLOWJOB TIME HONEY!!” A horny Lee Kanker yelled.

She roughly started stroking Eddy’s dick, almost ripping the skin.

“OW!! THAT HURTS!” Eddy yelled.

“Nah, it’ll feel great for you dear! LEMME JUST GET IN POSITION!!” Lee yelled back.

Lee got on her knees and stuck her mouth on Eddy’s cock, but in the process, she accidentally bit it and squeezed his balls a *BIT* too hard…


“Would you two keep it down?! Were trying to find OUR men too!” Marie yelled in the distance.

Eddy swore he could hear The Big Show’s theme song play in the background as Lee suplexed him into a 69 position. He didn't have long to think about this though as Lee shoved her unshaved pussy into Eddy's face.

“You can't be the only one having all the fun!” Lee yelled, then going back to give Eddy a VERY toothy blowjob.

Eddy decided to just suck it up and suck another very hairy thing, hoping it would be over soon.

Meanwhile, May and Marie were basically playing real-life Fallout. New Vegas, not those ‘other’ ones.

“FUCK!! WHERE IS ED! I WANNA GET STUFFED LIKE A TURKEY!!!” May yelled while pulling on her hair.

“Did someone say turkey!!?” Ed yelled as he popped his head out of the ground.

Ed then noticed he was talking to one of the Kankers.

“OH NO!! THE CLAW MUST BREAK THE LAW, RUN WITH ME EDDY!!” Ed yelled. Eddy just replied with soft groaning.

“OH NO YOU DON’T LOVER BOY!” May yelled while attempting to grab Ed. 

She managed to grab onto his collar, but Ed was too strong. So she got pulled along for a ride, but not the ride she was hoping for.

“RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!!!” Ed yelled.

“RIDE EM COWGIRL!! STOOOOOOP!” May yelled, tripping Ed up and making him comically fall on top of her.

“THAT’S WHAT I CALL COW TIPPING! HAW, HAW!!” Marie yelled in her best impression of Snotty Boy.

May immediately yanked Ed’s pants and underwear down and was greeted by a huge cock.

“Why don’t you butter my toast, honey?!” May yelled with a borderline ahegao face.


Astolfo appeared from the ground and pulled out a bible.

“As you said before, Ed, rape is not a sin in the Book of Toast. The Book of Chicken says differently, but I don’t really care. That chicken is an asshole.” Butter Astolfo replied, phasing back into the void.

“You heard the… Uhh, man? TIME FOR ME TO GET SOME MEAT!!!”

Ed had felt a bit forsaken but knew what had to be done.

“IF IT ISN’T A SIN THEN I MUST WIN! IN THE NAME OF BUTTERED TOAST!!!” Ed yelled, pulling May down on his cock. The two began sexing each other up like animals, leaving Marie to be a bit jealous.



A tied up and ball gagged Double D sat by a campfire with the Totally Spies. They wanted to make sure that Double D was completely safe and in no way able to accidentally getaway.

“Hey guys, let’s sing a song!” Alex suggested.

“NO.” Clover and Sam said sternly.

“MOTHERFUCKER I HAVE THE GUITAR, DON’T TEST ME…*ahem* ‘Well we’re sitting by the campfire, singing this campfire song! In just a few minutes we’ll suck Double D’s dong! And if you don’t think that we can suck him off faster then you’re wrong, so SHUT UP, and JUST SING ALONG…” Alex began.

“THIS IS, OUR, C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E D-O-N-G DONG! OUR--” Alex began singing. Clover joined in with a full-out set of drums.


Clover and Alex began to play Death Metal, while Sam broke out the microphone and started singing their own, sexual rendition of Metallica. They had already came up with the name ‘Carol of the Balls’.

“What the that a band of women playing a song about Double D?” Marie asked herself from at least a few hundred feet away.

Double D’s Kanker sense began to tingle, even though it was just a few remaining swimmers left in his cul-de-ballsack warning him about his impending sex education tutoring.

“MMMMFFFFFFF!!!” A very scared, tied up Double D yelled.

Sam continued to sing while Alex and Clover played their instruments.

Instruments both in their pants and in the drum set.

“Jingle Bell, jingle bell, jingle bell COCK! Alex is a bitch, but in bed, she rocks! We’ll fucking kill you if you steal our man, so don’t do stupid shit just because you can!” Sam sang actually rather beautifully.

“Fuck that stupid ass Chrismas shit! We need PYROTECHNICS!!!” Alex yelled while smashing a big red button.

Suddenly, fire rose out of the ground and shot into the air. Unfortunately, there were trees all over the fucking place, so shit caught on fire quick. Though, only Double D noticed it.

“MMHMMMHHHHHMMMHHHH!!!!” Double D muffled/yelled.

“What was that Double D? You want an encore?! Hell yeah!!!” Alex excitedly yelled.

The Spies began to play once again, while the fire quickly spread all around them. Double do begin to panic even more and was on the verge of a panic attack.

Double D finally passed out from the stress and days of sex as the forest burned like an epic fiery anime Michael Bay volcano fight...thing. The Spies finally stopped playing, but only because they finally realized how shitty their music was.

“Why did I think this was a good idea?! Who the fuck plays music while camping?!” Alex yelled, to no one in particular. 

She was about to throw her guitar at a nearby tree, but immediately stopped when she noticed said tree was on fire. 

“Oh damn! This shit is getting- HOLY SHIT! DOUBLE D!!!!” Alex cried out, noticing Double D's pants were now on fire.


The burning of the flame was enough to wake Double D up.

“OH MY GOD! QUICK, PISS ON THE FLAME!!!” Sam yelled, in a panic.

The Spies all ran up to Double D and revived themselves all over Double D. He wanted to vomit but the gag wouldn't let him. 

Marie finally made her way up. She immediately noticed the spreading fire, and a trio of girls pissing on Double D. Maries' face turned red with rage.


This startled the girls, causing them to accidentally piss all over Double D’s face. He again gagged, but still could do nothing about it.

“Hey, uh...Who the fuck is this?” Alex whispered to Sam. Sam shrugged in response.

“WHO AM I?? WHO AM I???...deep question actually, who are we really? BUT I KNOW WHO I AM! I’M DOUBLE D’S GIRLFRIEND! I’M THE ONE WHO SUCKS HIS NUTS, FUCKS HIM AND SHITS ON THE BED—wait no—PISSES ON THE BED WHEN HE LEAST EXPECTS IT!!!” Marie yelled extensively.

The Spies and Double D blankly stare at Marie. Double D was trying to figure out who he would rather be the sex slave of, while the Spies processed what she had said.

“So let me get this straight… YOU, some weird looking blue-haired bitch, think that Double D is YOUR boyfriend?” Clover asked while tilting her head.

“I KNOW SO! And I have the photos of me having unconscious sex with him to prove it!” Marie yelled, pulling out a massive photo album and throwing it in front of them.

Upon looking at the many pictures, Double D realized that he was never a virgin all along. This was actually kind of a comforting thought since he at least knew that the Spies didn't steal his virginity. Though, he still didn’t like that his virginity was stolen from him.

The Spies, on the other hand, were fuming. Taking Double Ds virginity was their greatest accomplishment. Now, they had nothing.

“I...I-I-I…” Clover tried to say, while her left eye twitched.

A crow cawed in the background. Not because of the pictures though, but because the forest was still burning. Something that only Marie and Double D seemed to be completely aware of at that moment.

Smokey the Bear would be sobbing if the Spies hadn’t already killed him for being a bear… Racist cunts.


The Spies were so traumatized that they didn’t even know Marie was shouting at them (very overdramatically).

Marie noticed that the Spies weren’t responding and suddenly felt very awkward. Double D eyed them for a moment, then gave Marie an awkward stare.

“Uh...I’m uh, just gonna take this.” Marie said as she picked up Double D and ran off like a Detroit criminal.

The Spies just kinda, well, stood there. Like bimbo gargoyles. Even with the fire now right next to them, they didn't budge. This lasted a few minutes until Sam finally snapped back into reality.


Chapter Text

Tragedy. Sorrow. Cum.


These three elements made up the Spies’ current emotions. Their pain was reminiscent of an early 2000’s Naruto meme.

“This world shall know Pain…” Sam said as her eyes crossed with rage.

“Easy there, Akatsuki-twatski, don’t go committing genocide! Not unless it’s against a minority anyway!” Clover yelled, making Alex very uncomfortable.

“FUCK that noise man! The Minnesota Vikings deserve it more!” Sam commented.

The Totally Spies unanimously agreed.

“Well, I guess it’s decided. We’ll genocide the Minnesota Vikings after we get Double D back.” Clover stated, quite casually. 

Sam and Alex nodded their heads, then ran off with Clover to get Double D back.




The fire had finally spread to Rolf and Johnny's campsite. Johnny was quick to notice, while Rolf was busy with other important things.

“RISE AND FLY, SCOUT OF THE EGGPLANT NATION!” Rolf yelled in Kevin’s face, trying to wake him up.

“Hey Rolf, use this!” Johnny yelled in a panic, handing Rolf a bucket of water.

“Ah yes, the water of tonsil hydration! HEAVE KEVIN BOY, AND FACE THE ROLLING OF ROLFS ABDOMINAL DOMINOS!” Rolf yelled, dumping the entire bucket on his face.

Johnny's eyes widened with shock and confusion all at once.


“SILENCE! Rolf must plow the crop field OF DOMINATION!”

“Rolf, I think we have very different definitions of ‘plow’!” Johnny yelled.


Johny stared at Rolf for a moment, before consulting with Plank.


Johnny was on the verge of tears. He would have broken down right there if it wasn't for Plank.

“What? What's that little buddy? You don’t want to die a virgin?!”

Johnny looked at Plank with a look of disbelief.

“Well to be honest, neither do I!”

Johnny ripped his pants off and pulled whipped his dick out. 

“Time to double the wood, Plank old pal!”

Johnny sat Plank down and slapped his dick on Plank's face. A look of ecstasy formed on Johnny's face, as his cock grew harder and harder.

“Come on buddy, turn that smile into an oval! We gotta go fast, like the Minutemen!” Johnny added, not knowing that the Minutemen were 1700’s American Yankee soldiers.

While Johnny was knocking on wood, Rolf had managed to wake Kevin up. Granted, Kevin was barely conscious.

“D-D-Dingork Dodorks…” Kevin said almost brain dead like.

“FEAST YOUR EYES ON THE SON OF A SHEPHERD’S MEATY STAR OF THE NORTH!” Rolf yelled as he pulled Nazz to the two by her sleeve.

Kevin could barely recognize her, but he knew it was Nazz.


“Shut up Cuck boy! I found a REEEEEAL man!” Nazz interrupted.

Nazz had a crazed and mentally destroyed look on her face. 

“Nazz shall attain the status of wifehood at this very moment! WATCH IN ERECTILE TERROR AS ROLF PIERCES THE HYMEN OF MOTHER NATURE!” Rolf screamed like a Viking.

Before Kevin knew it, Rolf had shoved Nazz to the ground. It looked very painful but Nazz still smiled. She just stared back in anticipation of Rolfs's cock.

“Oh fuck yes Rolf! Fuck me like that bitch boy Kevin never could!”

This hurt Kevin on a deep and personal level.

“B-But Nazz I-”

“SHUT UP!!!!” Nazz scratched.


With nothing left to say, Rolf shoved his meaty warrior in Nazzes puss puss.


Kevin could only watch on and cry a little at the sight. He had lost everything that made his life happy and could do nothing to stop it.

“D-D-DOOOOOOORKS!!!!” Kevin cried out, as he began to bawl.


“Mmm yes, motorbike-boy Kevin cries out of his emotionless soul! MUST ROLF TEACH YOU TRUE PAIN??!”

Rolf began to fuck Nazz even harder. So hard that Nazz could no longer demoralize Keven. Though, the brutal fucking was enough to do that already.

“No!!! Nooo!!!! Why Nazz?! WHY?!” Kevin cried out.


While this was happening, Johnny was on the verge of an orgasm.

“I’m cumming, Plank! I’m coming like there’s no tomorrow...what do you mean revelation will happen tomorrow and that I’m right? You crack me up, buddEEHHHHH!!!!” 

Johnny came all over Plank. Rolf was alerted by this sudden orgasm, and that the fires were starting to get to close for his comfort.

“Does Johnny boy want to explore his sexual nature further? May the buttered gods and goddesses give you much queer merriment? NOW BEAR THE WEIGHT OF TWINS, CRAYON HEAD NAZZ!”

With a few final thrusts, Rolf filled Nazz with his children while giving a warrior's cry. This cry was so strong that it temporarily pushed the fire back. Johnny and Kevin looked around in disbelief.

“Wow Rolf, wish you did that sooner.” Johnny commented.


Rolf picked up Nazzes almost lifeless body, then rushed to lift Johhny over his shoulder. Rolf was about to run like the wildman he was, but then remembered Kevin.

“Hmm, shall Rolf give mercy to the weak and the wireless? FEAR NOT, FOR ROLF SHALL SPARE THEE!” Rolf yelled, picking up Kevin as well.

Just as the fires were about to once again surround them, Rolf ran like the son of the Shepard he was. While running, he accidentally let Kevin nearly slipped from his grasp. He managed to catch him, though Kevin was now being dragged by his leg.

“DDD-DDDOOOOOOORKKKSSS!!!” Kevin cried out, as he felt his back being tore up.

“Wow!!! That sure is a lot of blood! Rolf, you need to slow down so-”


Rolf started to run even faster, causing Kevin much more pain. Johnny figured that he and Plank weren't being hurt, so he decided not to try and help any more.

“I’m sure Kevin will be fine Plank. I mean, he survived being on the nut kicking machine.”

Jimmy holds Plank up to his ear.

“What?! No Plank! Just because we could get away with killing him here, doesn't mean we should!!!”

“Wood-man Plank makes a convincing point! However, cuckoldry is a fate worse than that of death’s cold breast milk!”

Kevin cried to himself a little more, as he heard his thought to be friends casually talking about his death. 

“D-D-D-DOOOOOOORKS!!!” *Cries uncontrollably*

“Gee Plank, iv never seen Kevin cry this much before.”

This continued for a good 20 minutes before they finally made it out of the forest. Rolf immediately dropped everyone and collapsed to the ground in exhaustion.

“Rolf's Spirit penis has run out of sand stamina...I now bear the sleepiness of a thousand dead samurai…” Rolf said as he fell fast asleep.

Kevin had passed out from blood loss and Nazz had been unconscious since she took on Rolf's meaty warrior. Johnny and Plank were the only two still awake.

“Well uhh, Plank… Looks like we didn’t die…”

Johnny holds Plank up to his ear and madly blushed.

“WHAT?! No Plank, you can’t tell ANYONE about what we did back there! Especially not Ed, he’ll tell the entire Cul De Sac!

He once again held Plank up to his ear.


He stared in anger at Plank, before giving him a shocked look.

“That’s it Plank, we’re going home! You are acting WAY out of line! Wait until the marriage counselor hears about this!”

Johnny angrily stomped off with Plank. Though, he didn't get far before noticing that half of the Cul De Sac was completely destroyed. 

“Huh Plank, I guess you were right about revelation after all!” l Johnny exclaimed with surprise.

He was quickly taken out of this train of thought though when he heard a familiar voice yell in the distance.

“OOOWWWW!!! YOU DREW BLOOD!” Eddy yelled.

“Don’t overreact honey, a bite mark on the dick is the best thing a girl can do for her man!” Lee yelled, very casually.

Johnny continued to listen as Eddy's pain continued. Though, he quickly got bored.

“Man Plank, I think we've seen and heard enough genital pain today! Let’s just go home… Well, only if our home wasn’t destroyed.” 

Johnny and Plank then went on their way to get some rest. Johnny didn't even care if he still had a house or not at that point.

Chapter Text

While the Forest burned to the ground, Marie was busy giving Double D something he never knew he wanted. 

“This feels, um...very, very good. But I’m not sure if I actually like that.” Double D said as Marie started giving him a footjob.

“What are you talking about? Feet are the quintessential part of every man’s secret sexual urges that they will never admit!” Marie explains.

Double D is visibly confused and surprised by Maries’ intelligent way of speaking.

“Uhh, I mean… Yeah! I bet you love my feet rubbing up on your dick!”

“Ohhh yes I do! God, it’s like the Pixar lamp is shining lights on my soul…” Double D said.

“Uhh, yeah! Let’s go with that!” Marie replied, a bit thrown off.

Marie continued to pleasure Double D with her probably stinky feet. Double D probably would have normally been disgusted by this, but the Spies had long since ruined any sense of cleanliness he once had. Maybe a part of it was still there, but it certainly didn’t show.

“Oh my, your feet feel like two clouds hugging my penis!”

Marie gave a somewhat innocent looking smile. Though, her eyes were still filled with lust.

“Well, then you better cum like a fire hydrant!” 

Just as Double D was moaning like crazy and about to climax, the Spies barged in like Steamboat Willie.


Just as the Spies yelled this, Double D blasted his hot load all over Marie’s blue hair and black tank top. The life seemingly drained from the Spies for a few seconds, before Alex snapped back into reality. 

“SCREEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGH!!!” Alex screamed like Pepe the Frog as she dropped to her knees and clutched her face.

Lee heard the screech as she was sucking on Eddy’s nuts and got startled, biting down hard.

“AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!” Eddy yelled, clutching his nuts in toothy pain.

“That’s gonna leave a mark!” May yelled while cringing.


“Shut up and keep fucking!” May yelled while attempting to pull Ed back on the ground. 

“If you say so, succubus of Buttered Toast!” Ed yelled as he fell back onto May. Literally, he just kinda fell on her… A normal woman would have died from that. 

Eddy just continued to yell, hopping around with his legs crossed like a retarded penguin.

“Calm down honey! Let me put an ice pack on that ball sack!” Lee yelled while pulling out an ice pack that was hard as a brick. 

Enough about them though, back to...oh my.

“HA! I BET I CAN MAKE DOUBLE D CUM WITH JUST MY ARMPIT FASTER THAN YOU!” Marie yelled, jerking Double D with her pits.


The Spies ripped their spandex suites off and assaulted Double Ds cock with their armpits. They immediately became aware of something while doing this.


“It’s called working out you lazy bitch, try it sometime!” Marie yelled with a laugh.

“I hate that I’m enjoying thiiIIIIS!!” Double D moaned.

“I know Double D, but we will get rid of this BITCH soon enough!” Clover replied.

“YOU’RE NOT THE REASON I’M ENJOYING THIS!!!!” Double D yelled back.

The Spies ignored this, of course. 

“OOOOOOHHHHHHH LOOOOORD!” Double D yelled as he squirted all over Marie.

Marie looked determined and started doing armpit farts on Double D’s cock. Double D moaned like fucking crazy from this but the Spies were now more than pissed off.



Double D wanted to call them out on their hypocrisy but was in too much pleasure to do so. 

“Awwww, baby Spies gonna cry now?” Marie said, in an extremely mocking tone. 

The Spiess’ face turned as red as the devil’s shemale cock. 

“PISS YOUR PANTS MAYBE!!!?” Marie yelled.

“FUCK YOU, WE ALREADY DID!!!” Sam replied.

Marie looked over at their ripped outfits and noticed that they were covered in piss.

“...Eww, what the fuck?” 

“OH, YOU THINK THAT’S GROSS?! TRY THIS ON FOR SIZE!!!” Alex yelled while standing up.

“What are yo- WHAT THE FUCK?!” Marie tried to ask.

Alex had turned around and started to shit all over Double Ds cock, all while Marie, Sam, and Clover were still giving Double D an, uhh, armpit job? Pitjob! Double Ds eyes went wide with shock.

“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK????!!” Double D yelled, cursing for the first time in this entire story.

Sam was quite impressed by Alexes quick thinking.

“Good idea Alex! Now that we have the lube, we need t—” 

“GGGGHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAHhhhhhhhh…..!” Double D screamed, as he stood up and ran away.

“NOOOO! DOUBLE D!! COME BACK, I BROUGHT TOILET PAPER!!!” Alex yelled as she started to chase after him.

“You guys need serious help…” Marie said.

“Wait up Alex! We have wet wipes!!!” Clover yelled as she and Sam followed behind.

Marie watched as they ran off. She then looked at her shitty, sweaty armpit and vomited hard. The “BLEEEERCCCHH” could be heard from a ways away. Again, Lee was caught off guard by this. This time while trying to massage Eddys agonized nut sack. 

“What the? Someone made Marie vomit!?” Lee yelled, very angrily.

Lee was so pissed off by this that she accidentally squeezed Eddy’s nuts extremely hard. Kinda like a stress ball.

“AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! STOOOOOOOOOP!!! JUST STOP ALREADY!!!!!!” Eddy begged, while screaming his lungs out. 

“GOOD IDEA HONEY! I’M GONNA GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!!” Lee yelled as she squeezed even harder, making Eddy’s nuts turn purple.

“AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH—*drop*” eddy yelled as he passed out from the incredible pain.

“Oh shoot sweetie, did I hurt you? Uh...honey..?” Lee asked.

“I’m sure he’s fine… MAY!!” Lee yelled.

“What is it, I’m busy here!”

“Marie just vomited! We gotta go check it out!”

May was caught off guard by this.

“Marie vomited?! Oh, this I’ve gotta see!”

May stopped riding Ed and ran towards Lee, leaving Ed with Blue Balls.

“Wait! This is DEFINITELY a Buttery Sin!” Ed yelled a bit saddened.

Just as Ed as about to get even sadder, Butter Astolfo appeared next to him.

“Awww, don’t be sad! Here, you can finish in my fem-butt!”

Butter Astolfo waved his butt in front of Ed. Ed in return stared at it, almost like he was entranced.


Ed shoved his cock in the fem-butt and began to thrust in and out. May watched, a little jealous.

“Hey! That’s gay!”

Butter Astolfo stuck his tongue out at May and continued to get butt fucked.

“Don’t worry about him May, we gotta go see what's up with Marie!”

May nodded in agreement, and the two were off. 

Marie has just pulled herself together and cleaned the shit off herself when her sisters showed up.

“What’s wrong, Marie? Did the principal touch you ‘there’ again?” May asked.

Lee smacked May on the back of the head.

“Of course not, you stupid—wait, what do you mean ‘again’?” Lee replied.

Marie gave May a confused look.

“Ok for one, NO YOU STUPID DUMB ASS! And two, I was the one that touched the principle there, not the other way around!”

May thought on this for a few seconds.

“Oh, that makes sense! Is that why he starts crying whenever we walk by him?”

“Not now May! We still need Marie to tell us why she vomited!”

Marie took a moment to think about how she would explain what happened.

“So, these three crazy bitches had Double D tied up. So I rescued him and decided to give him a footjob.”

“That’s My sist- Wait, what three crazy bitches!?” Lee interrupted.

“I’m getting to that! Anyway, those three bitches them came and challenged me to Pit off! I was winning, of course, so one of them fucking decided to shit all over Double Ds cock! I just got done cleaning it off!!” Marie yelled.

“Are you referring to the shit or the cum?” Lee asked.

Marie took a few seconds to think.


“Wow, that’s gross! Where did they go?” May asked.

“Double D started to freak out, and ran away! Those crazy bitches went after him! I would have too, but I was too busy vomiting…”

 “Well May, we know what we have to do now. Come on girls, let’s go find Marie’s man! We have all day, let’s do this thing!” Lee yelled.

The three went off to find Double D, and kick some bitch ass. Though, this wo-

“HERE COMES THE TSUNAMI!!!” Ed yelled as he climaxed in Butter Astolfo’s ass.

...Just—Just end the chapter there.

Penis squared. But maybe gay? Are traps gay?

Chapter Text

“Wow, you sure know how to fuck an ass, my child.” Butter Astolfo commented while rubbing his ravaged ass. 

Ed didn’t hear this, as he had passed out from busting such a mighty nut. 

“...Well then, I guess I should be off.”

Butter Astolfo left the area and went out in search of Heretics or whoever else was in need of some ass expanding justice.

Jerry walked into the scene, dusting himself off. He noticed that Ed and Eddy were unconscious. Double D and the Spies were nowhere to be seen either. 

“Um...hmm. I’m tired too, so…” Jerry said to himself.

Jerry decided to pass out right there, for no rhyme or reason. He fell asleep almost immediately, falling face-first on the ground with a thud. Jerry started to snore. 

Well, that accomplished nothing. 

Meanwhile, the Kankers begin their quest for Double D.

“Should I bring my Buster Sword?” May asked as she pulled out a ridiculously large weapon.

“Where the fuck did you get that?” Lee asked.

“The plot demands it I guess.” May said with a shrug.

“Dammit, you already know how we do things! Get rid of that anime shit!” Lee demanded.

“Don’t disrespect the plot, Lee!” May yelled.

“The plot is an asshole! Let’s get going already, and get rid of that stupid thing!” Marie yelled, hurting our feelings.

“Fine! But you will regret it wh-”

“JUST GET RID OF IT ALL READY!!!” Lee and Marie yelled in unison.

May sighed with frustration and threw it a few miles away. The thing hurled itself across the whole cup de sac.

Meanwhile, Johnny and Plank had finally gotten home.

“Well, would you look at that buddy, our house survived! Hooray!” Johnny yelled.

Just at that moment, the Buster Sword hit Johnny's house and cut it in half. Must have been a critical hit or something.

“...Oh well, half a house is better than no house!” 

Johnny happily ran inside to watch some porn and fall asleep. That’s not important, what is important is what the Kankers are doing. 

On their quest to find Double D, Marie found sets of footprints stained with cum.

“That’s gross, but at least it’s some sort of clue!” May exclaimed.

“Looks like they ran that way! Let’s find ‘em and pummel ‘em!” Lee yelled. 

“Well, no shit they ran that way! The cum covered… Wait, why are the footprints covered in cum?” Marie asked.

“Don’t you know the first rule about mysteries? The only thing that makes sense is that nothing makes sense!” May replied.

“That doesn’t make sense!” Marie yelled in frustration.


Marie gave May a “your fucking stupid” look and got ready to yell at her again. Just as she was about to though…

“OHH GOD PLEASE! LET ME GOOOOOOO!!!” Double screamed in the distance.

“Calm down Double D! We know that Blue haired skank might have traumatized you, but I bet a good old fashioned prostate massaging would help that!” Alex suggested.

“Wait, no! Keep your fingers away from my aAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!”

Lee looked over at Marie.

“Sounds like your boyfriend is getting finger fucked.”

Marie's face began to turn bright red with rage, as steam started to come out of her ears.

“I’ll tear their assholes open as if I were Bluto the Pirate Bitch!” Marie yelled as she rolled up her nonexistent sleeves.

Marie cartoonishly ran into the Forest, following the loud and kinda gross sounds of Double D getting fingered.

“Hey! Wait for us!” Lee yelled, right before following after her.

“Wait for me! I’m not getting left behind!” May added, before also following.

The whacked-out Kankers screamed and ran at the Spies furiously, while the Spies were sticking their fingers inside Double D.


“What?! You’re still Christain after all this?!” Alex asked, extremely surprised.

“Damn, it looks like we will have to finger you even harder!” Sam added.

Marie finally reached the Spies, crashing into them like a bulldozer being driven by an alcoholic guy who had his license revoked. 

“OWWWW!!! WHAT THE FUCK!?” Alex screamed.

Lee and May finally caught up and saw everyone lying on the ground. More importantly, the Spies still had all of their fingers in Double D’s ass.

“OHH GOD!!! I CAN FEEL THEIR NAILS!!!” Double D cried out, clearly not happy about the situation.

“Oww, even I can't handle that many fingers!” Lee commented.

“SHUT UP AND HELP ME FIGHT THESE CUNTS!” Marie demanded, as she stood up and got in a fighting position.

“Ohhhhhh, so the bitch brought some backup?! Well girls, looks like it’s time for a CATFIGHT!!!” Sam yelled.

“MEOW!” Clover added.

Everyone cringed at this.

“Goddammit, Clover…” Alex said, more annoyed than anything else.

“Oh fuck you, Alex! At Least I try to make things more fun!”

The Kankers watched as the three argued, all while their fingers were still in Double D’s ass.


“Well, you heard the man. Looks like it’s up to us to save your boyfriend's ass, Marie.” Lee said.

Marie simply nodded in response.

“Oh! No words, that’s how you knew she’s REALLY pissed off!” May added.


The Kankers wasted no more time and charged at the Spies. Since the Spies refused to take their finger out, the Kankers were forced to dogpile on them. Though, this didn't bother the Spies at all.

“WORLDSTAR! WORLDSTAAAAAR!!” Alex screamed at the top of her lungs, punching Lee in the head.

The six girls finally started methodically beating the shit out of each other. Double D was caught in the mix, fingers still in his ass.


“IT’S NOT TOO TENDER FOR WORLDSTAR!!!!” Alex yelled while fighting.

Earrape anime music could be heard as the Spies and Kankers duked it out. Most of the fight consisted of punching and hair-pulling. All the while, the Spies still didn’t remove their fingers. 


They were too busy fighting to hear him. A couple of hours later Double D was unconscious, yet the girls fought on.

Marie painted with exhaustion as she finally dropped to the ground.

“Alright alright, just hold on a...fuck I’m tired...WHEEEEEZE…” Sam said as she dropped next.

Lee dropped on top of Sam, crushing her a bit.

“This is too much for even WORLDSTAR—” Alex said as she passed out.

“Wow, that sounds like a…” May tried to say, as she too passed out.

“Ha, looks like I won… Yay, I get Double… Double…” Clover attempted to celebrate, as she finally passed out. 

It seemed that everyone was now completely out… However, Marie opened one of her eyes and smiled after looking around a bit.

“Holy shit, that actually worked!” 

Marie stood up and lifted Double D over her shoulder. Though, she made sure to remove the Spies fingers while doing this, of course. 

“Ohh you poor man, those Spies really did a number on your ass. But don’t you worry, i’ll take good care of you when we get back home.”

Marie pulled some rope out and tied it around her sister's legs. She looked over the Spies one more time, then walked away. She made sure Double D didn’t fall off her shoulder while crudely dragging her sisters. 

A while later, Clover woke up and started to freak out.

“zzzwha...OH..SHIIIIIIIT!! ALEX! SAM! WAKE UP NOOOOOW!” Clover yelled in the other spies’ ears.

“Argh Christ, that voice of yours never ceases to amaze me…” Sam said sarcastically.

Sams expression quickly changed into one of panic when she started to look around.

“Wait...WHERE’S DOUBLE DEE??!” Sam yelled.

“Relax...I stuck a tracking chip in his ass before the fight. A vibrating tracking chip.” A very sleepy Alex said as she cuddled next to a very lucky raccoon.

“Ah ha ha ha. She’s letting me touch her boobs.” The Racoon said to himself… Wait what?

“Good thinking Alex! And here I thought black women were…” 

Clover stopped herself when she noticed how pissed Alex was already getting.

“Stay focused girls! We need to get our Double D back!” Sam intervened.

Alex immediately calmed down.

“You’re right! LET’S GO GET OUR MAN BACK!!!”

The three went off to, well, get Double D back. The raccoon was left behind, but he didn't care. He got to touch boobies.

“I AM THE TITTY MASTER.” The raccoon said in animal language to himself as he grabbed a stick and pretended to do a He-Man pose.

Chapter Text

As the raccoon started to dance around in a celebratory dance, he realized just how good he felt at that moment. Unfortunately, Double D did not feel the same way.

“Is he dead?” May asked, looking at the still-unconscious Double D.

Lee smacked May over the back of the head.

“He’s obviously not dead, idjut! He’s still got an erection!!”

“An erection, huh?” Marie said to herself with a smirk.

“Are you gonna do the same thing Bing Crosby did?” May asked.

“That’s BILL COSBY you fucking--” Lee said as she started to get irrationally pissed off.

“Will you two shut up? I’m trying to fantasize about… Wait why am I fantasizing about Double D? Double D is right here!” Marie yelled.

Marie ripped off her pants and ran at Double D with a super lewd look on her face.

“PILE ON HIM, MARIE!” Lee yelled as Marie pounced on Double D.

“I’LL DO A TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER ON THAT DICK! YOU HEAR ME, SWEETY??! IT’S SEX TIME!!!” Marie yelled in Double D’s unconscious face.

Double D, of course, didn’t respond. 

“B-b-but piledrivers are illegal!” May yelled.

“So is unconscious sex technically! So stuff it!” Marie replied.

May couldn't think of a response to that. Mainly because all three of them were guilty of murderfucking Eddy’s older brother while he was unconscious. 

“UwU? Nuzzles your bulge? Let’s have a--” May tried to say until Lee straight up bitch-punched her in the side of the head.

“NO! You are not getting into the furry shit. Even we have some standards!” Lee yelled.

May got a little annoyed, but at the same time knew that Lee was completely justified in hitting her.

“SEX TIME! YEEE!” Marie yelled once more, as she began to ride Double D’s cock.

She looked down at Double D and immediately realized that it wasn't nearly as fun with him being unconscious.


“What??! Why would I want to suck a pair of nuts like that after I gobbled down Ed’s grapefruits?” May asked.

“Speaking of which, I got a man to make happy! I’ll see you bitches later!” Lee yelled.

“Yeah, same here! I forgot I left Ed with blue balls!!” May yelled, running after Lee.

“No, I left MY man with Blue Balls. Your man fucked a-”

“WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THAT!!!” May interrupted.

Marie continued to listen in on them until they were gone. When she could no longer hear them, she looked back down at Double D’s unconscious face. 

“Wow, this is fucking boring without his smart but submissive personality! I’ll just have to wake you up myself!”

Marie reached around and squeezed Double D’s nutsack just enough to wake him up, startling him. 

“WHA-HUH?!” Double D yelled after his nutsack got used as an alarm clock.

Double D frantically looked around, and quickly noticed Marie on top of him. 

“BY THE GODS WOMAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!” Double D yelled, noticing that Marie was riding his cock.

“I thought you'd want to be awake for this. I’m sure your cock needs a break from those Spy cunts!”

Double D began to sweat. 

“M-M-My Weiner does need a break, but I don’t think this counts as giving it a break! As a man, I need at least-”

“OH FUCK YES, KEEP SAYING SMART STUFF!!!” Marie yelled as she rode harder.

“I’d complain but sex feels awesome… Wait, did I just say that out loud?” 

“YES YOU FUCKING DID!!!!” Marie yelled while giving Double D the craziest/horniest look he had ever seen.

“Oh my…” Double D replied, realizing what he had just brought on. 

Marie started riding Double D as if he were a Ferrari. She moaned like a very...sexual banshee (not from Halo you fucking nerds). Though from Double Ds perspective, it looked like she was just screaming at him. It was kind of disturbing.

“My dick feels good but my ears don’t!! Why are you screaming at me!?” Double D yelled, with a mix of fear and confusion in his voice.



“GOOOD! AAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” Marie screamed.

While she screamed and fucked, some not so welcome women were making their way towards her trailer.

“What the fuck is going on in there!?” Sam asked.

“No idea, all I can hear is the screaming!” Clover replied.

“Hold on, I'll try and see if I can hear anything else.” Alex said. 

Alex pulled out a stethoscope and started listening to the conversation-fuck-yelling behind the barred door.


“GOOOD!!! WEIRD ORGASMS ARE THE BEST!!!!” Marie replied, yelling directly in his face.

Alex started to shake with rage and crushed the stethoscope in her hand. Her ears were ringing a bit, but she was too pissed to care about that.


Alex started viciously kicking the door, being VERY pissed off at this point. The other two Spies joined in the assault on the door. 

“LET ME IN THERE YOU BLUE HAIRED FUCKDOLL! HE’S MIIIIIIINE!!” Sam screeched while banging on the door with both fists.

Marie stared at the door while continuing to fuck Double D.

“Fuck! How did they find us so quickly? I’ll finish you off even quicker!!” Marie screamed, reaching around and squeezing Double D’s nutsack.

Double D moaned with pleasure as Marie rode harder, the Spies starting to break down the door. They screeched like harpies and sounded like they were ready to kill. Or, horribly fuck Marie up, given their track record. 

“I’M GONNA...RIIIIIIDE ‘TIL I CAN’T NO MOOORE!!” Marie sing like Lil Nas X.

Double D finally came in Marie’s pussy as they both yelled in the language of sex. Just as Marie pulled herself off, the Spies busted open the door. They saw the cum dripping out of Maire's pussy, and got even more pissed off. 


“OH NO YOU DON’T!!!” Marie yelled as she grabbed a jar full of blood off of a shelf.

Without a second thought, she chucked it directly at Alex's face, causing the blood to get all over the Spies. Marie used this opportunity to slip away with Double D. 

“EWWW!!! Why the fuck would she throw a jar of blood at us?!” Clover cried while trying to get the blood out of her hair.

“And who the fuck has a jar of…” 

Sam stopped herself after smelling the blood.

“Wait… THIS IS PERIOD BLOOD!!!” Sam cried out.

“Great! I can use that to explain and prove using Socratic methods as to why you three are such bitches!” Double D yelled as Marie continued running.

“Stop talking all smart, I’m trying to focus on running!” Marie yelled, starting to get turned on again.

While Maire and Double D made their way towards the Cul De Sac, Alex was starting to discover the wonders of Period Blood.

“Woah, check this out! I look like Black Ryuko Matoi!” Alex said as she began to dye her hair.

“Help me chase after them, Niggarachi!” Clover shouted racistly. Luckily Alex was used to this.

The three ran after Marie as the Sonic Adventure DX soundtrack started playing. The four ran furiously, leading us to wonder how physically strong Marie is. Since she was carrying Double D the entire time…

“Dammit, how the hell did they already catch up!?” Marie wondered.

“And where is that music coming from!?” Double D added. 

Marie ran into the forest in an attempt to lose the Spies. This didn't work though and the Spies were able to stay right on her ass. 

“Damn. these bitches are persistent.” Marie commented.

“I KNOW!! And their, um...coochies are very over hygenated…”

“Well yeah! We know how much you love clean stuff!!!” Sam yelled from behind.

“...Well, I can’t really argue with that…” 

“Yes you can, they SHIT ON YOUR DICK!!!” Marie yelled in response.

Double D remembered this sickening moment and started to vomit. The Spies all slipped on his vomit and fell on their asses. 

“Good thinking! That’s why I love you!” Marie said.

Double D didn’t respond, as he was still vomiting.

“Keep it up honey, you might just give me a new, disgusting fetish!” Marie said with hearts in her eyes.

“Lord have mercy…” A very sickly Double D replied.

Marie made her way out of the woods and into the cul de sac. There, Marie noticed May and Lee trying to wake Ed and Eddy up.

What happens next? Stay tuned to find out, next time on Totally Edds!


(bad outro music plays)

Chapter Text

Alas, poor Yourdick. The meat hath been beaten so fiercely that it doth make the cotton pickers wince…

Marie stopped in front of Lee and May for a second to take some breaths, dropping Double D on the ground.

“OUCH!!!” Double D yelled.

“Sorry sweetie, it’s just that I’m...tired…” Marie said as she was on the verge of passing out (for real this time).

Lee and May stared at Marie, very confused. 

“Hey sockhead, what’s going on?” May asked.

Before Double D could reply, something could be heard in the distance. 

“Hey, what’s with that music in the background?” Lee asked

A very faint rendition of “Escape from the City” could be heard in the distance.

“Oh no, they’re getting close!!!” Double D yelled.

The music was getting louder and louder, making Lee and May’s eyes grow wide as they realized they would have to deal with the Spies again.


“That’s SPIES, you boner blasting dunderhead!” Lee replied.

“I could make homemade french fries with the salt from your tears!” May said smugly.

Ed immediately woke up upon hearing this.

"Did someone say French Fries?" Ed excitedly asked while looking around.

“Come on Ed, stand up and help us fight these crazy Spies!” Lee yelled, grabbing Ed and standing him up.

"Hey! Get your hands off my man!" May yelled.

For once, Lee actually listened to May.

"You're right, I have my own man!" 

Lee pulled out a salt shaker from her cleavage and unscrewed the cap.

"What are you doing?" Double D asked.

“Wake the fuck up, samurai!” Lee yelled, stuffing the shaker up Eddy’s nostrils and pouring it in.

Eddys' eyes shot open.

“WHEEEEEEEAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOGH!!!” Eddy screamed as tears welled up in his eyes.

Double D and May cringed a little at this while Ed just laughed a little. 

“Lord help me, and I thought the Dead Sea was full of salt…” Double D commented with a slight cringe and held in laughter.

“We're all gonna be dead if we don't deal with those damn Spies. Come on honey, let’s take these Spies out like a hot barbecue menu!” Lee yelled.

Eddy turned pale, Casper the (Un)Friendly Ghost white.

“SPIES??! No way Jose’, I’m not going near those crazy whacked out cracked out Methheads!"

Eddy turned and ran in the other direction and ran. He immediately tripped over Jerry Lawler and hit the pavement face first.

"Owww! That's gonna leave a mark!" May yelled.

This woke Jerry up from his nap. He stood up while yawning and immediately noticed something was off.

"Hey, what’s with that music?” Jerry asked.

Everyone looked to the Forest and saw that the Spies were getting close. The Spies had looks of crazed determination on their faces, and were running like Officer Earl from Cloudy With A "Chance Of Meatballs". 

There’s been a lot of balls lately, alright…

"I smell fish!! And poopy…” Ed stated.

“DOOOOODYYYYY!!!” Double D yelled with fear.

“SAVE ME! OH LORD SOMEONE SAVE ME!!!!!” Eddy yelled.

As the Spies finally caught up to the Kankers, Jerry interrupted their squab.

“Hold on, ladies...gentlemen too…” Jerry stated while getting between them.

“That’s me!” Ed added.

The Spies stopped dead in their tracks to hear what Jerry had to say. 

“Why don’t we take this to the WWE SUUUUUPEEEEEEEERSLAAAAAAAM??! WATCH ON PAY PER VIEW NOW, ONLY $39.99!!” Jerry screamed at the top of his lungs while ripping his shirt off.

Everyone considered this for a moment. Well, everyone except for Eddy, who was recovering from the face plant. 

“Uh... I dunno. I feel like Marie should be awake to decide.” Lee commented.

Marie woke up energized from hearing this.

“I’M IN!!” Marie yelled.

"Wait were you actually sleeping or were you just pretending again?" May asked. 

"Not important. What's important is the ass whooping we're going to put on those Bitches!" Lee replied, getting pumped up.

"Now wait one minute!" A voice that only Jerry was familiar with yelled.

"Vince McMahon?!" 

Everyone turned to look at Vince, who was holding a WWE microphone. There was also an entire camera crew now surrounding the area.

“How ya doing, Jerry ol’ pal? Figured I'd pay you a visit, and was happy to see you were already setting up our Main Event!” Vince said, directly into his mic. 

“Wait a second, you knew I was here the entire time?" Jerry asked.

"Nope. Now, let's set the conditions for this match!"

Everyone was confused.

"What conditions? We're just going to fight." Marie said.

Vince’s face lit up.

"Well for starters, how about we televise this event on a public broadcast instead of on pay per view? The ratings would go through the roof and beyond!” Vince suggested.

The Spies started to smile with glee.

"Did you hear that girls? Were going to be on TV!" 

The Spies started to hug each other.

"I'm not done yet! Lee and May, you won't be fighting in this match!" Vince yelled.

“Wait? WHAT??!” Marie yelled.

“What's the big idea?!" Lee yelled.

“It’s okay Lee! We can get popcorn and—” May started before Lee got mad and smacked her over the head.

“What’s up with this, huh? You tryin’ to prank us or something?!” Lee yelled.

"Simple, ratings!" 

Everyone stared blankly at him for a few seconds. 

"Well then who the fuck will I be fighting with? There's no way I can't take all three of them on!" Marie yelled.

Vince smiled.

"I'm glad you asked! Introducing your first partner… JOOOOOHHHHHNNNN CEEEEENNNNNAAAAAA!!!!!" 

John Cena’s theme song played loudly and memeably, the buff boi entered the ring. John Cena did his best to hype up the people watching the show. The extremely loud music caused Eddy to look up with fear in his eyes.

“NO! NOT HIM!!! PLEASE, HAVEN’T I SUFFERED ENOUGH?!” Eddy cried out while cowering.

As it turned out, no. He had not suffered enough.


Eddy turned pale white and stared at Vince with a look of complete hopelessness.

“THAT’S EVEN WORSE!!!” Eddy yelled.

“Wow! We get to fuck up Eddy on TV?! This is a dream come true!!!” Alex happily said, while hugging Clover and Sam even tighter.

“Yeah, and I’ve been thinking up all-new ways we could Cock and Ball torture him!” Sam added.

Hearing this nearly made Eddy piss his pants in fear.


“Because, ratings!” Vince responded, super casually.

“NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL ‘MERICAN TELEVISION!” Dick Cheney yelled while getting out of his pick-up truck.

Everyone looked over to see Dick and George walking up to them, while a dubstep remix of the Merican National Anthem was playing. 

“What are you guys doing here?” Jerry asked.

“We got lost again and debated on going home. But then we heard on the radio that there was going to be a WWE match here!” George explained.

“Yeah! We figured we'd make the most out of this trip.” Dick added.

The Kanker sisters watched in absolute confusion.

“What the hell is even going on anymore?!” Lee asked, not sure if she should be confused or frustrated.

“No idea, but can we go back to me being called the Blue Bimbo?! What the fuck’s that about Vince?!” Marie shouted.

“We were going to call you the Blue Bombshell, but after that porno of yours leaked-”

“Stop right there! I've explained 25 different times now that the blue-haired girl in that video was not me! Not every trailer trash girl with blue hair in a porno is MEEE!!!!” Marie scratched, visibly getting increasingly angry and annoyed.

Vince struggled to come up with a response to this. Fortunately for him though, he wouldn't have too.

“Say, what is this noise which sexually assaults Rolf’s eardrums? Might it be the rousing crowd of a professional wrestling match?” Rolf asked, making motions next to his ears.

Johnny, Plank, and Nazz were standing behind Rolf, just as curious. Kevin was there too, but only because they dragged his unconscious body with them.

“Uhh, yes! The match of a lifetime is being held here in your Cul-De-Sac!” Vince replied.

Johnny was extraordinarily happy to hear this.

“Did you hear that buddy?! We’re finally going to see a WWE match in person!” Johnny excitedly said to Plank.

Nazz did not comment because her mind was still broken and she would probably never recover. 

“Hmm yes, the old fashioned matchup of brain versus brawn! And wiener versus sinkhole!” Rolf yelled, flexing a bit.

Vince paused for a moment, processing what Rolf had said.

“Yeah! Let’s go with that!”

Vince turned back to face everyone else.

“Now, let's get the stage set and get ready for some good old fashioned WRESTLING!!!!” 

Pyrotechnics went off, lighting up the sky. Helicopters could be seen flying in, carrying a professional WWE ring, a few bleachers, and two announcer tables. Two Mexican announcers could also be seen being carried by one of the helicopters.

“How did you get all the stuff here so quickly?” Double D asked.

“...Tune in next chapter for the match of a lifetime!!!” Vince yelled, directly into his mic while staring directly at you, the reader and or readers.



Chapter Text

“The crowd is truly alive tonight, Ed! They are more than excited for tonight's Main Event!” Jerry said, speaking directly into the announcer table mic.

“You said it, Jerry! Everyone here looks like they just woke up to some freshly toasted buttered toast!” 

Jerry nodded in agreement. 

“Now then, let’s go live to three of our current wrestlers’ LIVEY LIVE INTERVIEW with a few cast members of WWE!” Jerry The King Lawler yelled as the camera cut.

“Oh wow, it’s the Undertaker! I love your work, man!” Marie said to the Undertaker.

The Undertaker stared at Eddy very angrily. Eddy looked like a bitch. This pissed The Undertaker off.

“Your face looks punchable.” The Undertaker declared to Eddy.

“Well, at least my face isn't as ugly as yo---” *PUNCH* *PUNCH* *PUNCH*

Rey Mysterio, Brock Lesnar, Sin Cara, Randy Orton, and Seth Rollins watched in horror as The Undertaker started beating the shit out of Eddy.

“Man fuck this noise, I’m going back to Triple A.” Sin Cara declared in Spanish as he left the room.

“Eddy sure knows how to take a hit!” Ed commented.

“WAIT, A PILEDRIVER OUTSIDE OF THE RING?! IS THIS EVEN LEGAL??!” Jerry yelled as The Undertaker did a Tombstone on Eddy. This was not staged, though Jerry wasn’t complaining.


“Rest… In… Peace…” 

Eddy was tombstoned and suffered very painful, but not lethal, head trauma. Undertaker wasn't finished though, and quickly suplexed Eddy. As The Undertaker kept doing moves on Eddy, Marie admired his handiwork. 

While this brutal beating was taking place, John Cena decided to start up a conversation with anyone.

“So,’s it feel to have the same first name as the guy from Venture Brothers?” John Cena asked.

“Good, actually. You know, it’s always fun to have the same name as a cartoon character. Though I’m kind of jealous you were in Scooby-Doo.” Brock Lesnar replied.

“YOU WITH THE STUPID TANK TOP! PLEASE HELP MEEEE!!!” Eddy pleaded while pointing at Seth Rollins.

Seth gave Eddy a very angry look. 

“FUCK IT! LEMME IN THERE!!” Seth Rollins yelled, starting to beat Eddy up too.

Meanwhile, Brock Lesnar and John Cena continued their calm conversation.

“You know I was wondering. Would you rather do Velma or Daphne?” Brock asked.

“Neither! That shit’s gay man.” Marie commented.

“Well, it’s like my dad told me once. ‘Son, you are allowed to experience lesbian love.’ So I’d do both at once, and also watch them!” John Cena replied smartly, being a man of culture.

Shane McMahon walked in and watched as Eddy was beaten. This gave him a great idea.

“Hey, Rey and Randy. If our rates are high enough for this show, then everyone will get a nice raise, and it seems like beating up that weird-looking guy is really bringing in the ratings.”

Rey Mysterio and Randy Orton exchanged surprised looks, then joined in too. This was just to increase the ratings, but Eddy was still fun to beat nonetheless.

“Sorry fellas, gotta cut the interview short. Duty calls!” Brock Lesnar said to Marie and John Cena.

“WAIT WHAT??! NO NONONONO STOOOOP!” Eddy yelled as Brock grabbed him from behind.

Brock firmed his grasp on Eddy from the backside, proceeding to German Suplex the living shit out of him.


“He got suplexed like a T-Rex! ROOOOOOOAR!!” Ed added as he played with his dinosaur toys on the announcer table.

At that moment, Roman Reigns, Dolf Ziggler, Daniel Bryan, and King Corbin burst through the door and collectively started helping kick the shit out of Eddy as well. ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage burst through the wall, red white and blue hat on, ready to kick some wholesale ass.

“The *BLEEP*? I thought you were dead, or at least retired!!” Marie yelled.

“I got sent here by some Buttered Toast girly guy, YEAH!” Randy Savage replied as he did a clothesline on Eddy.

As Eddy laid beaten on the ground, everyone got ready to slam down on him at the same time. Before they could though, the Spies walked in.

“What the fuck?! Are you all seriously beating up Eddy before us?!” Alex yelled, visibly pissed off.

The wrestlers all started to sweat and eyed the exit. Shane was already long gone. He was aware of the ratings the Spies could bring in, but not willing to get directly involved. 

“You fuckers better run, or we’ll COCK AND BALL TOURCHER EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!!!” Sam screamed.

The wrestlers all ran away. They were fierce fighters but not batshit insane. John Cena stayed behind, but only because of the match. If he could, he would have also-ran. 

“Well with them out of the way, I guess we should size up our ‘opponents’.” Clover taunted.

Marie glared at the Spies, while John Cena shivered with fear. Eddy was still laying on the ground but could hear what everyone was saying. 

“Well, we already know how fun it is to beat Eddy up, so we’ll have to do something EXTRA special with him!” Alex declared, very sinisterly.

Eddy began to sweat as his eyes shot open.

“NOO!!!! NO MORE!!!” Eddy screamed while cowering behind John Cena.

Clover pointed at John Cena and said the one thing that could scare the shit out of him.

“I can see you.”

John Cena began to violently shake, almost as if he was having a seizure. 

“N-No! Y-You can’t s-s-see me! YOU CAN’T SEE MEEE!!!!” John Cena cried out.

Sam and Marie stared each other down. 

“OMG, that blue hair rea-”

Out of the blue, Vince declared WWE Jihad...IN YOUR PANTS.

“ALRIGHT EVERYONE, GEEEEEET REEEEEEEADY!!!” Jerry screamed like a banshee over the microphone.

Vince grabbed a microphone too and proceeded to give a list of rules.

“This match will be vicious, without mercy, no holds barred! There are no three counts this time folks, it’s a submission match! BUT NOT JUST SUBMISSION, SUBMISSION IN A STEEEEEL CAAAAAAAGE!!!”

The crowd started yelling and busting nuts like Alvin and the Chipmunks.

“Wow Plank, listen to that! These niggas are about to get wrecked like Destroyed in Seconds!” Johnny said to Plank, speaking up a bit over the Louder with Crowder...crowd. Yes.

“Now, LET'S GET THIS MATCH STARTED!!!!” Vince yelled while the cameras did a close up of the six.

“Wait, the match is starting now?!” Marie asked.

“Well yeah, you dumb bimbo!” Sam replied.

“Last one to the ring is an expired condom!!!” Clover yelled while running towards the ring.

“Hey, I'm no expired condom!!!” Alex yelled, following behind.

Sam gave one last look at Marie and flipped her off. Sam then ran to the ring with the other two Spies. Marie grabbed Eddy and John by their arms.

“Let’s get this over with…”

Marie ran with them to the ring entrance. She immediately stopped when she saw what was happening in the ring. Eddy and John Cena had the exact same reaction when they saw it. 

The two Z-list wrestlers and the returning champion John Cena eyed their opponents a bit. They watched as a member of the crowd gave Alex a steel chair, and she did tribal rituals with it.

“I think we may have bitten off more than we can chew this time, guys,” Marie whispered nervously.


“Relax Eddy, we can WIN THIS!!” Marie exclaimed excitedly but still nervously.

John Cena was too scared to comment on the situation. There were many mixed feelings at this event.

“Hey ref, is it legal for me to sharpen this steel chair into a set of spears?” Clover asked the referee,

“No.” The referee replied.

“Is it legal for me to use this gun?” Clover asked as she pulled out a blue Colt Python.

“Unfortunately, no.” The referee replied.

“Is it legal for me to cock and ball torture my opponent?” Alex asked.

The referee thought for a few seconds.

“Only if it’s Eddy.”

“Yay!” Alex exclaimed, readying a ladder for maximum crotch punishment.

Eddy blanky starred.

“WHY?! WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME SO MUCH?! ALLAH!? GOD?! BUTTER TOAST GIRL GUY BUTTER THING?! PLEASE TELL ME WHY?!?!?” Eddy screamed, while on the verge of losing his mind.

“Is it legal for me to make ‘yo mama’ jokes in the ring?” Sam asked, completely ignoring Eddy.

“No.” The referee added, also completely ignoring Eddy. 

“Dang! That’s my favorite part of wrestling.” Sam said with a frown.

The Referee rolled his eyes, starting to regret agreeing to this match.

“Wow Dick, those are some crazy women… My type!” George Bush exclaimed.

“You said it! Even Lapis would like a piece of those cherry pies!” Dick Cheney concurred.

The ref decided that the pay was enough to give some shit about his job, and went back to focusing on the task at hand. He looked around and realized that the Spies opponents weren't in the ring yet. It didn't take long for him to spot them. 

“What are you three doing, the match is starting in a minute!” 

“Oh cool! I’ll just flick the bean for the last sixty seconds!” Sam added as Clover watched the bean flicking very intently.

“Well, no going back now. Looks like we’ll have to see this to the end.” Marie commented, not really talking to anyone in particular.

“I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!!” Eddy cried.

“You can’t see me…” John Cena added, very blandly.

They got in the ring and stood in their corner. The Ref quickly got out, and the cage started to lower down. Eddy looked up and started to freak out again.


Eddy tried to run out of the ring but was pulled back in by Marie and John. Eddy struggled, but Marie and John refused to let go until the cage was completely lowered. The Spies laughed as he struggled.

All of a sudden, the bell rang. This caused Eddy to freak out once more.

“Fuck it, get in there!” Marie said as she tossed Eddy directly into the Spies. Like, she physically THREW the fucker at them.

“WHAT THE FUCK?! YOU THOUGHT YOU GET A CHEAP SHOT ON US YOU LITTLE SHIT?!?!” Alex screamed, in an extraordinarily angry tone, while shocking Eddy.

Eddy knew he was fucked, but he didn’t realize just how fucked he was.

Marie immediately turned towards John Cena.

“Alright, while Eddy keeps the Spies distracted, you and I need to come up with a plan.”

John Cena nodded.

“NO! PLEASE STOP, I’VE ALREADY BEEN THROUGH THIS ONCE BEFORE!!” Eddy yelled as Clover carried him over her shoulder.

Clover placed Eddy against the ladder and handcuffed his arms and legs between the bars.

“YOU READY FOR THIIIIIIIIIS??!” Alex yelled as she climbed the ladder from the other side.

Before Eddy could respond, Alex did a front flip into double foot stomp from the top of the ladder, slamming the full force of her body directly against his crotch. The ladder and Eddy were sent crashing down as Alex landed gently on the ground.

“EEEEEHHHHHHAAAAAAAA!!!!” Eddy cried out.

“OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH! MY GOD, WHAT A BRUTAL BEGINNING!” Jerry commentated, having to speak up over Eddy’s wailing.

“An angel just got its wings! And a new set of testicles!” Ed commented.

The crowd cheered and laughed at Eddy's suffering. But it wasn’t over yet, not by a mile.

Sam picked up the ladder which was carrying Eddy and used it as a battering ram against a turnbuckle. She slammed Eddy with full force against the metal pole, knocking the wind out of him. Eddy was turned over and laid ladder-first on the ground, making him wonder subconsciously what the Spies would do next.

Alex climbed onto the turnbuckle and grabbed a steel chair with one hand, as Sam climbed over her shoulder. Clover leaped up from the top rope on top of the other two Spies, forming a tower, as the crowd cheered like madmen.


“They told me that they call it ‘Cirque du Ovary’!” Ed replied.

“That doesn’t rhyme, but I like it!” Jerry added.

Eddy started to panic. 

“MARIE!!! JOHN CENA!!!! HELP ME!!!!!” Eddy pleased while staring at John and Marie.

The two completely ignored him and continued to discuss their plan.

“You know, I do agree with the teachings of Plato. I think he gave a very religious yet scientific insight on the meaning of life.” Marie said to John Cena.

“Mhm...though I found Socrates’ studies to be way more interesting. Say, got any threes?” Cena asked.

“Nope. Go Fish.” Marie replied as she flashed her deck of cards.

“WON’T SOMEBODY HELP MEEEE?!!!??” Eddy yelled.


“With good reason, Jerry ol’ pal! This is the stuff that gets the crowd WILD!” Ed replied.

“Right you are Ed, and with that...OOOH, THE ELBOW DROP!!” Jerry yelled as Clover did a backflip, elbow dropping onto Eddy’s sternum.

*WHEEZE* “HeeeeeeEEEEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” *WHEEZE* Eddy said as he gasped for air.

“AND THE TOWER CONTINUES!! OH MY GOD, IT’S CARNAGE IN THE RING TONIGHT!” Jerry yelled as Sam jumped off next and did a full 360 spin into a power knee, slamming right into Eddy’s chest. No, this was not staged either. Not by a long shot.

Eddy tried to scream, but could only cough. The crowd began to cheer even harder while holding up Totally Spies posters.

Finally, Alex went last, jumping into the air and holding the chair. Eddy finally recovered from his coughing fit, only to watch as Alex fell towards him. She held the steel chair at a vertical angle, hitting Eddy DIRECTLY in the balls upon impact.

“MY GOD, A LOW BLOW!! WON’T SOMEONE STOP THE MATCH, GOOD LORD!!!!” Jerry yelled, visibly getting hyped up at this point.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” Eddy yelled, almost passed out by this point.

The Spies decided to mix things up a bit and undid Eddy’s handcuffs. They took a bow as the crowd cheered them on.

“You think my man will give up that easily?! You ain't seen nothing yet!” Lee yelled from the crowd.

“Oh yeah?! Well, watch this!” Alex replied.

Alex pulled out her thing of Gamer Girl Bath Water and began to open it up.

“OH, WHAT THE HELL??! IS THAT EVEN LEGAL???” Jerry yelled as the camera focused on Alex.

“WHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!” Eddy yelled, desperately trying to crawl away. As fast as he could, anyway, given his horrific injuries at this point.

Sam and Clover grabbed Eddy by the legs as Alex opened the bathwater up and took a good sniff-slash-snort. Alex set it down and grabbed the ropes, beginning to shake them like the Ultimate Warrior.


She immediately picked the bathwater up and shoved it violently in Eddy’s mouth. The Spies kicked and punched Eddy until he begrudgingly swallowed every last drop.

“NO FAIR! YOU USED A BIOLOGICAL WEAPON!!!” Lee raged, about ready to get out of her seat.

“No way lady! THIS is a biological weapon!” Sam yelled, pulling her pants and underwear down to moon the crowd.

The crowd let out a loud gasp, while some people began to cheer louder and do wolf calls.

“MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING??! I CAN SEE THE MOON, SUN, GRAND CANYON, AND MARIANAS TRENCH!” Jerry commentated, now witnessing one of the craziest matches he's ever seen in his life.

Sam then pulled her pants down more and wiggled her rear end a bit, showing off the entirety of her ass and giving the audience a pretty nice view of her snatch too.


“I like what I’m seeing here Jerry, huh huh! If only she had a penis!” Ed commentated.

“What the fuck?! Why did my boyfriend have to be the sexually confused one?!” May yelled.

“It’s like the Ultimate Warrior said before, Ed! Queering doesn't make the world work!” Jerry yelled.


(Editor’s note: The Ultimate Warrior actually did say this. We didn’t intend this line to be fictional.)


“Not for you anyway, huh huh!” Ed said dumbly.

“I can’t argue with that one, Ed! If you like a Slim Jim with your Moon Pies, I can’t hate that!”

A very loud “FAP--I MEAN SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!” could be heard from Randy Savage in the background.

Sam did a squat over Eddy, giving the crowd a very good idea of what she was about to do.

“AHHHHGGGGGG!! I SUBMIT! I’M TAPPING OUT, OH DEAR GOD!!!” Eddy yelled, smacking the floor next to him as hard and fast as he could.

“That’s it! He’s out!” The ref yelled, while Eddy out of the Ring.

Eddy immediately ran away and started to vomit up the Gamer Girl Bath Water. The Spies were enraged and disappointed.

“What the fuck?! Now, who are we supposed to take our hormonal rage out on?!” Sam yelled while pulling her pants back up.

“Oh shit, it looks like Eddy finally tapped out. Come on John Boy, get out there!” Marie yelled as John Cena ran into the ring screaming like a lunatic.

Marie leaned over and started to whisper to one of the ring guards outside of the cell.

“Thanks for the cocaine, shnookums.”

The guard simply nodded, while he continued to look through the crowd.

“Man, a good old fashioned dick sucking in the locker room works really well sometimes!” Marie said as she leaned back, proud of herself.

“What the fuck you talkin about? You sucked Double D’s cock while paying me for the Coke.” The guard replied.

“...Well, I sucked dick so fuck you!” 

The Guard sighed and dropped the conversation. He didn’t want to think about why Vince stripped Double D and tied him to a pole in the break room.

Marie then looked back and watched as her plan unfolded. Hopefully, a Cocaine fueled John Cena would win the day.

“Woah what the FUUUU--” Alex yelled as John Cena grabbed her by the head and slammed her repeatedly into the turnbuckle face first.

The Spies looked on, completely thrown off. 


Cena then grabbed Alex and went up to the top rope. Before Alex even knew what was happening, John Cena performed an elevated Suplex. 

“MY GOD, HE’S KNOCKED THE WIND OUT OF HER!” Jerry yelled as the crowd went bonkers.

“Nobody saw that coming, Jerry! For he is the Last Airbender!” Ed said dumbly once more.

Sam and Clover finally snapped out of their trance. Though, just in time to see Alex getting 5 Knuckle Shuffled.


“He sure is frying her chickens, huh huh!” Ed added.

“You’re damn right, Ed, he--OH MY GOD, LOOK AT HIM NOW! HE’S RUNNING TO THE ROPES!!” Jerry yelled as John Cena ran to one side of the ring and gained momentum from the ropes.

As he turned around though, Clover hit him directly in the face with a steel chair from the side of the ring. All the momentum had left him and he fell directly on his back. Marie started to get worried. 

“You wanna play rough?!” *SMACK* “WELL WE’LL FUCKING PLAY ROUGH!!!” Sam yelled.

Alex got helped up by Clover while Sam punched John Cena a couple of times. Though, this only pissed John Cena off even more.

“Wait a second here, my god...THE ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT??! THIS EARLY IN THE MATCH!?” Jerry yelled.

Alex and Clover heard this and immediately looked over to see that John Cena had Sam thrown over his shoulders.


“Ooh, that’s gotta hurt!” Marie commented with a cringe. She then got excited again and pulled out a thing of popcorn.

“Alright that does it, I’ll get this son of a bitch!” Clover yelled, running towards John Cena.

“And I--OH MY GOD, THE BOOT! JOHN CENA JUST KICKED HER LIKE A FOOTBALL!!!” Jerry screamed with hype as John Cena did a front kick, sending Clover flying to the ground.

“There was a lot more ball kicking earlier today as well, Jerry!” Ed added.

John Cena did his signature “You Can’t See Me” pose while facing the crowd. Unfortunately for him through, Clover was sneaking up behind him with a flaming baseball bat in her hands, doing a George Costanza pose.

“I CAN SEE YOU!!!!” She screamed while striking John Cena in his lower back. 

“AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!” John Cena screamed in pain, as he fell to his knees.

“Uhh Ohh... “ Marie said to herself.

“OH MY JESUS ABOVE, WHERE’D SHE GET THAT!!? AND WHEN DID SHE LIGHT IT ON FIRE??!” Jerry screamed, reacting to the flaming carnage.

“Clover just dropped her mixtape, Jerry!” Ed yelled.

“How about some burning wood for your ‘wood’?!” Clover yelled, hitting John Cena in the crotch from behind, almost setting his pants on fire. John Cena dropped to the ground in cocaine-fueled hyper-pain.

“LOW BLOW!! And the ref is sperging out! Get the hell out of there ref, what are you doing?!” Jerry screamed in confusion and slight worry. 

“That blow was lower than my grade point average!!” Ed commented.

“Hey! I told you that you can only hit Eddy in the balls! One more hit like that, and you’re out!” The ref yelled, right before immediately running out of the cell. He knew the wrath he had just brought on.

“That ref has balls Ed, this is a fight even Mick Foley would’ve said ‘no’ to!” Jerry commented.

“Say no to drugs, kiddos! Huh huh!” Ed replied.

“Well, I’m sure ol’ Mick said no to saying no to drugs, but that’s a story for another time! And--OH MY GOD, SHE’S LAYING INTO JOHN CENA! THIS IS JUST BRUTAL!” Jerry yelled as Clover used the hilt of the baseball bat to clock John Cena over the face.

“I HAD LIKE, 7 DIFFERENT LINES RELATED TO COCK AND BALL TOUURCHER, AND NOW I CAN’T USE ANY OF THEM!!!” Clover screamed, while relentlessly beating John Cena.

“I think she singed his eyebrows with that last one, Jerry! And his dignity, huh huh!” Ed stated happily...but still dumbly.

“SAM! COME TAKE A SHIT ON JOHN CENA FOR ME!” Clover yelled, now very pissed off.

Sam got back up and pulled her pants back down, waving her ass cheeks over John Cena’s face. This time though, she looked pissed off.

“My lord Ed, John Cena’s about to ‘see’ some shades of brown in a few seconds!” Jerry yelled, very enthusiastically for some reason.

“That’s what he gets for calling my Mexinigga Rey Mysterio a midget dominatrix!” Ed yelled.

“I hope you like having brown skin, Cena!” Sam yelled.

“What?! Eww! Brown is such a gross color for skin!” Clover yelled.

Most of the crowd gasped, but someone mumbled in agreement. The mumbling came from Johnny.

“Hey, she’s right you know!” Johnny finally yelled.

Alex sat up and gave Clover a very annoyed and angered look.


Finally, Alex had enough of Clover’s shit for one night. She yelled a bit and jumped up in front of Clover, grabbing her head from behind and slamming down hard.


“Uhhhh, I didn’t listen to a single thing you just said, Jerry. I was more focused on the lady on top of the cell!” Ed replied, pointing to the top of the cell.


Suddenly a deafeningly loud music track played, and fire spewed up from the ground as the lady did poses on top of the steel cage.


The theme song proceeded to stop as Mandy climbed down into the cell. The Spies all had looks of confusion, but mostly rage.

“Mandy?! What the fuck are you doing here?!” Sam yelled as John Cena ran off crying, effectively being replaced by Mandy.

Mandy was wearing an outfit that completely ripped off Asuka’s multicolor schtick, but she did not even remotely care. She had a slightly skimpy Raven from Teen Titans-lookin’ ass leotard on, so it wasn’t a complete ripoff we guess. Plus the LGBT stood by her for what looked somewhat similar to rainbow colors, so she got lots of sponsorships.

“I’m sick and tired of hearing about all the fucked up, twisted shit you’ve been doing to people, and I’m not going to listen to it anymore, you hear?!” Mandy yelled, into a microphone she had with her at the moment.

“Wow, listen to her go! She’s heated and ready to fight, Ed!” Jerry commented.

“She’s also ready to bite! Which I saw her do on Pornhub too the other night…” Ed replied, as his attention was taken by a very familiar armored Jeep pulling up. 

As soon as the Jeep came to a stop, 4 retard school truant officers-slash-soldiers hopped out with guns drawn. One of them came out with Sara in a wheelchair. Her face looked mostly normal, but it was obvious that she had been fucked up.

“LITTLE BABY SARAH?!” Ed cried out.

All of a sudden Ed’s good friend Ghost came to help him. Ghost pulled out a steel chair and began to wrestle the other soldiers. He smacked the shit out of one guy with the chair, set it down and RKO’d another into it. He then took the others down to Lucha Suplex City.

“I ain't afraid of no ghosts!” Sarah retardedly yelled, getting out of the wheelchair.

“LITTLE BABY GOT BACK SARAH IS A RETARDO MONTALBAN NOW!? THIS CALLS FOR ACTION!!” Ed yelled as he ran down to get his outfit on.

Jerry just stared at Ed confused for a second. He wasn't sure what to do, and could only think of one thing.

“Well be right back, after this commercial break!”

Chapter Text

“Well, uh, here to commentate with me in this glorious match is… ROLF! I guess…” Jerry announced as Rolf rushed to the other seat.

“Hmm yes, Rolf shall aid you, wrestle-boy! But later, Rolf shall prove to couch potato Kevin why Rolf is the TRUE master of the meat-slacking!” Rolf said, almost directly into the microphone.

Kevin was still unconscious, so he didn’t hear any of this.

“Say, Rolf, what do you think of this match so far?” Jerry asked.

“Mmm yes, Rolf respects what he sees! The bounty of manual labor may take its toll, but it builds the character of unconsciousness in the nerves of many!” Rolf acknowledged happily.

“You heard it here, folks! And...WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING IN THE RING?! ARE YOU SEEING THIS ROLF??!” blurted Jerry as he watched Mandy get the ever-loving shit beaten out of her.

“Hmm yes, the Spies seem to have the advantage! Rolf has wrestled with vile-girl Mandy in the past, though such merciless activities normally make Rolf wish he were in the bedroom!” Rolf added.

The crowd cheered like madmen as the Spies started kicking Mandy while she was on the ground. Marie watched as Mandy got beaten up, and wondered if she should try and help. She figured she should do something, but when she tried to climb into the ring, the spies looked back with angry anime faces. Ah, France!

“STAY THE FUCK OUT OF THIS!!!!!” All three spies raged, almost like demons.

Clover and Sam started to do moves on Mandy, while Alex scared Marie by spaz running at her. Marie hid in the corner of the cell, while Alex brought a table in the ring. Marie felt kinda bad not helping but figured she could use this time to come up with a new plan.


“Hmm yes...but with no penny by the dollar prostitution or sharing of jellied gasoline!” Rolf added. 

“RKO!! MY GOD, THIS IS BRUTAL!!” Jerry yelled as Sam RKO’d the living shit out of Mandy and put her in a chokehold.

“Ah yes, the chokehold of degradation! Rolf has had many a woman perform this dangerous move…” Rolf commented.

Mandy tried her best to get out of the chokehold as Sam eventually let go. Like clockwork, Clover had run up and drop kicked her in the chest. Mandy wheezed with pain and struggled to get back up.

“Come on Mandy, GET! BACK! UP!” Marie encouraged, shaking the ropes.

“WE TOLD YOU TO STAY OUT OF IT!!!!” Alex screamed while tackling Marie out of the ring.

Just as Clover reached out to punch Mandy, she twisted the arm back and lifted her into the air.


“OH FUCK!! SAM, GET BACK HERE!!” Clover shouted.

Rushing between Mandy’s legs, Sam performed an uppercut right in the vag. Mandy dropped Clover and fell to her knees in pain.

“OOOOWWWWWWWWW, FUCK!” Mandy exclaimed.


Clover got back up and kneed Mandy in the head, knocking her over. Sam rushed over to grab the steel chair for another move.


“Yes, this is quite terrible indeed! But Rolf’s interest is piqued by happenings outside of the ring!” Rolf added with a smile.

Outside the ring, Marie was getting brutally pegged in the ass by Alex. 

“OH GOD, IT HURTS!!!” Marie cried out.

“WE WARNED YOUR STUPID ASS! AND NOW THAT ASS IS GETTING FUUUCKED!!!!” Alex screamed, directly in Marie's ear. 

Marie cried even more as Alex put started thrusting the entire 12-inch strap-on in her ass. 

“Oh God, I can’t look… But I have to because It’s my job!” Jerry lamented.

“If you hate what your eyes show you, then why not look in the ring? Much more interesting, yes?” Rolf suggested.

Clover did a vicious German Suplex on Mandy to get her in a belly-up position, making the crowd go wild.

“BONER SAW IS REAAAAADY!!” Exulted Sam as she climbed to the top rope with a steel chair.

“ARE YOU REAAAAAAAAAADY!!??” Clover hyped as she got into position.

“Oh no, not this move…” Mandy muttered with a gasp for air as fear welled up in her voice.

Sam jumped from the top rope to Clover, who propelled her towards Mandy. Sam did a double front flip in midair as she slammed the leg of a chair into Mandy’s crotch.

Mandy immediately spazzed out, screaming in pain and rolling across the ring. Mandy couldn’t even get up, she just grabbed her crotch and cried a bit while being brought to her knees in blinding pain.


“I PREFER HARD BOILED! And, uh...AND OVER EASY!” Sarah yelled into the mic, having rushed over to the announcer’s table.

“Yes yes, but why is this called a match? This is more one-sided than Rolf’s fight with the Chinese milkman! ROLF IS THE ONLY FOREIGN PERSON IN THE CUL DE SAC!” Rolf stressed.

“That’s pretty ‘cool’ de sac of you Rolf, but my god just look at what’s happening! It’s carnage in the ring tonight, and the audi- HEY!” Jerry tried to reply, as Ghost came up from behind and took the mic.

“I don’t know where you are right now, Ed, but I just finished off those retard school guys.” Ghost disclosed while pulling up a chair next to Jerry and Rolf. He also pulled up a chair for Sarah.

“I LIKE THE COOCHIE CRUNCHER! AGAIN, AGAIN!” Sarah chirped with laughter similar to Ed’s. 

Meanwhile, Clover and Sam were climbing up to the top of the cell while holding Mandy, one arm reserved for her each. 


“I can't believe it. These girls are more fucked than an Afghan whore after we liberated her.” Ghost commented, being weirdly specific.

“Rolf would like to know of this, how you say, hmm, liberated whore.” Rolf added.

Sarah had nothing to say. She just laughed dumbly.

When Clover and Sam got to the top of the cell, they reached their arms out and Sparta kicked Mandy nearly twenty feet below. Mandy was sent crashing into the table which Alex had placed there earlier.

“Oh...OW GOD FUUUUUCK--*COUGH*” Mandy whimpered as she coughed up a bunch of blood onto the ring. What’s worse is the Spies weren’t even done with her.

“MANDY GOT THE BLOOOOOD! SHE LANDED WITH A THUD!” Sarah commented, doing air guitar motions.

“WE’RE NOT DONE YET!!” Clover announced as she and Sam climbed down with a fever from the top of the cell, confirming what we just said last sentence.

Sam pulled out a mic.

“We’re gonna leave you more fucked up than that time we ‘operated’ on Sarah!” Sam bragged while pointing at Sarah.

“YOU WERE NOT DOCTORS! I DEMAND A MEDICALLY LICENSED PROFESSIONAL!” Sarah yelled retardedly, banging on the table and causing mic feedback.

Clover grabbed the mic from Sam.

“Yeah! You’re going to wish we’d just kill you! Just like we killed those Butter Toast Cultists!”

Sam looked confused for a second, before remembering.

“Oh yeah, that’s right! We did kill those Butter Toast freaks!”

The two shared a laugh and got ready to deal some real damage. Mandy looked on in absolute fear and still held her crotch with both hands in massive amounts of pain. She tried to get back up, but only managed to crawl a bit. Besides the crowd, the only other thing she could hear was a mix of Maries cries, and Alex’s laughter. She felt as though all hope was lost.

All of a sudden another burst of fire came out as a mysterious priest-Esque figure came out.

“CAN YOU SMEEEEEEEELL…*drums crash* WHAT THE PRIEST...*drush crash* IS TOASTING??!”

As the deafening DOON...DOO DOO DOONOONOON from The Rock’s theme song played, which would inevitably lead to a lawsuit or two and loud laughter from various executives, Ed started walking up to the cell like the fucking Terminator. He wore his priest outfit with the assless chaps.

“HWAHT THE HELL?”Jerry gasped, saying ‘what’ like Hank Hill. “IS THIS PLANNED??!” 

“This is the match where boys and girls become men and women, Jerry! Like the time I sawed a frozen squirrel in half.” Ghost added.

“YAY! BIG BROTHER ED’S GONNA KICK SOME BIGGY ASS!” Sarah yelled, actually clapping.

“Hmm yes, the language of...DEATH METAL!!” Rolf boomed, doing the air guitar.

Jerry was glad the commentators weren’t being directly filmed, just recorded, but Ghost had something to say.

“Something tells me none of this was planned, Jerry my boy. JUST like the pregnancy of that Afghan woman!” Ghost concurred as he smoked a blunt through his mask, like Elon Musk if Elon Musk was wearing a mask.

“Ah, Afghan-bimbo bore a child? Well then, Rolf must PERFORM A DOUBLE IMPREGNATION TO IMPRESS THE BUTTER GODS!” Rolf screamed, now going completely off-topic.

Jerry didn’t know how to respond to any of this.

“Pass the blunt for weedy fun fun time! You take one down, pass it around…” Sarah added.

All of a sudden, Randy Savage rushed to the announcer table and popped up a chair, and a microphone as well.

“W-What are you doing here?!” exclaimed Jerry

“The RUMORS of my retirement have been greatly exaggerated, YEAH, because I TELL YOU WHAT JERRY, THE MACHO MAN IS IMPRESSED LIKE NOBODY’S BUSINESS AT TONIGHT’S SHOW!” Randy yelled.

“Retirement? What are you-” Jerry tried to ask.

“SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!!!” *BITE* Randy roared, interrupting Jerry.

Alex stopped her thrusting and stared at Ed with pure fear in her eyes.


Ed slowly walked up to the ring and ripped the cage door off its hinges.

Suddenly Ed got very hyped up and went crazy.

“I AM ED! CHEESE AND MACARONI!!” Ed declared, while still maintaining his serious/angry expression. 

“HE’S LIKE THE TERMINATOR YEAH, there’s VENGEANCE in his eyes, yeah! Ol’ Ed there is gonna put on a show, yeah, the likes of which we haven’t seen since the days of the WWF!” Randy remarked while still eating his Slim Jim.

“YAY! Snap into Slim Tim!” Sarah added retardedly and braindeadedly. Yet at this point, at least Sarah was a likable person…

Alex ran back in the ring with Sam and Clover. All three started to hug each other while shaking.


“ROOOOOOOAR! I AM A TYRANNOSAURUS SEX!” Ed exploded, now running at full speed right through the cell.

“Now THAT’S a sexual tyrannosaurus if I ever saw one Jerry, yeah, any gal would be LUCKY to have a man like that yeah!” Randy Savage roared, now getting hyped up as well.

“Hmm yes, Rolf always did prefer the bones of the mighty Utahraptor! However, Rolf respects your love for scavengers!” Rolf added.

“I think there’s gonna be some scavenging going on tonight guys because Ed is out for prey! He’s out for blood folks, and nothing’s going to stop him!” Jerry sputtered.


Mandy crawled out of the ring, just as Ed was jumping in. Mandy fell on the ground, completely exhausted for the time being. The entire ring shook, knocking the Spies over.

“Here Ed, take one of these!” Mandy exulted, slowly bringing a table into the ring.

Ed picked the table up and proudly lifted it in the air. 

“Buttered Toast Gods, give me the power of buttered toast!” Ed prompted.

“Your wish has been granted. Use this power wisely and without mercy.” Butter Astolfo replied from up above.

Fun fact: Butter Astolfo is not made out of butter. He’s just Astolfo covered in butter to form an alter ego.

The More You Know™!

“Quick, get him while he’s distracted!” Alex shuddered, trying her best to sound brave.

Alex charged at Ed, while Sam and Clover continued to cower. Ed saw her coming though and hit her directly in the stomach with the end of the table. She fell to her knees and held her gut in pain.

*COUGH* *COUGH* “FUCK!” Alex whimpered.

Ed set up the table, and gave Alex a ‘you’re fucked’ look.


Ed picked Alex up by the neck and wrapped his arms around her, lifting her up in the air. He proceeded to chokeslam the living shit out of her, getting a wild reaction from the crowd.



Alex struggled to breathe as she laid on the ground. Ed slowly turned around and stared at Sam and Clover. Clover stood a few feet away, holding a steel chair. 

 “Ohhh shit shit SHIT SHIT FUCK!” Clover shrieked, swinging a steel chair at Ed in a panic.

Ed smacked the chair with his other hand and sent it crashing into Clover’s face, making her bleed a bit and fall to the ground.


“THE MACHO MAN COULDN’T BE PROUDER OF THIS GUY, YEAH!” Randy Savage praised as he gave a thumbs-up of approval.

“You see fellas, that steel chair represents the sun. The sun sometimes beats the shit out of his girlfriend, the moon. Clover, there is the moon.” Ghost chirped, now high off his mind.

Jerry Lawler just slowly looked over at Ghost.

“How high are you, exactly?” Jerry asked.


“That’s pretty high, I’ll admit.” Jerry replied.

“Hmm yes, Rolf has smoked incest before!” Rolf added.

“Uhh...the word is ‘incense’, Rolf.” Jerry corrected.

“Yes, Rolf smokes while doing it! DO YOU LIVE IN A CAVE!!?” Rolf replied, now yelling.

Jerry didn’t reply and just continued to watch the match.

Jerry and the rest of the commentators watched on as Ed picked up the bleeding Clover and put her over his shoulders. He dropped down and slammed her back-first onto his knee, like a wannabe Bane from the Dark Knight Rises.


“YAY! Baby Sarah will have wheelchair pals! Yay, yay!” exulted Sarah while clapping.

“OH GOD MY BACK! FUCK FUCK!!” Clover wheezed, struggling to crawl across the ground.

Sam looked at Clover for a few seconds then looked over at Alex

“Hey, are you doing there, Alex ol’ pal?” Sam asked.

“Go fuck yourself, you period blood headed, looking ass hoe.” Alex cursed, still gasping for breath.

“Ah cool cool, I’m just gonna uh…” *BOLT*


Sam then darted like a madwoman out of the ring, until she got smacked in the chest with a steel chair from Mandy.

“OW, FUCK!! What the hell man?!” Sam growled while clutching her chest.

Mandy dropped the chair and went into a fighting stance.

“I DIDN’T HEAR NO BELL!” Mandy retorted, before socking Sam right in the head.

Sam clutched her face a bit until Mandy ran from one of the ropes and back at her, leg dropping right on her face.


“Look! Look! Big brother is on a turnbuckle!” Sarah chortled in joy.

Ed stood high and looked down at Clover. Alex finally managed to stand up and attempted to knock Ed down. After a few steps though, she was tripped by Marie.

“GUESS WHO’S BACK?!” Marie yelled as she’d finally pulled her soaked pants back up, jumping and elbow dropping on top of Alex.

“NOW LET’S SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT!!!” Mandy smirked, rushing to Marie’s side of the ring and drop-kicking Alex in the crotch.

“GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!” Alex whimpered in pain.

Mandy ran back to the other side of the ring and hoisted Sam over her shoulders, yeeting her onto the turnbuckle.

“I HAVE THE ULTIMATE FUCK YOU IN-STORE!!” Mandy scoffed, pulling out a bag of thumbtacks. She poured the tacks all over the ground, leaving Sam to watch in horror.

“Oh no, oh no, OH NO OH NO, OH NOOOOO!” Sam shuddered as Mandy picked her up, DDT’ing her into the thumbtacks.


“OWWW, FUCK ME THAT ACTUALLY HURTS! THAT REALLY, REALLY HURTS!!” Sam whined as tears welled up in her eyes.

Mandy jumped up and did a double stomp into Sam’s crotch, making her question her life choices.

“OW, GOD FUCKING DAMN IT WHYYYYY?!” Sam whined, once again.

“WHAT IS WITH THESE WRITERS AND HURTING PEOPLE SO HORRIBLY?! ESPECIALLY DOWN THERE??!” fretted Clover in the background as she watched the ordeal… Fuckng hypocrite.

Honestly, we have no idea.

“QUIET, BLOND DEVIL!” Ed yelled while jumping off the turnbuckle. 

Clover was too slow to get out of the way and got crushed by Ed. He got up and laughed at her seemingly lifeless body. The ref could tell that she was out cold. 


“NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL SNAPPING INTO A SLIM JIM, YEAAAAAH!” The Macho Man yelled, flexing a bit.

“That’s it, Clover is out!” The Ref announced.

Out of nowhere, Mandy continued her assault on Sam. She flipped her legs off the ropes and did a Moonsault, landing right on top of Sam. Mandy finally fell to the ground in exhaustion, as Sam was getting tuckered out too.

“Heh heh heh...hehehehehe…” Mandy laughed a bit to herself from the several concussions she had endured.

“YEAH, HAH HA! HA! HA! HA HA HA HA HA, YOU BITCH!” Sam growled, proceeding to get up and attack Mandy back.

Sam kicked Mandy square in the face and dropped down on top of her knee first, slamming right into her gut. At this point all Mandy could do is crawl away, she didn’t have the strength to fight back anymore.

“Uh uh, bitch! Ed, take care of Alex for me will you?!” implored Marie, as she was running up and hitting Sam in the back with a steel chair.

“OW FUCK YOU!” Sam cursed.

Alex watched in fear as Ed picked her up and pressed her against the ropes.

“THIS IS FOR YOU, BABY SISTER!” *WHAP* Ed raged as he slapped the shit out of Alex’s chest.

“GOD FUCK, THAT’S A BIG HAND! OWWW!” Alex groaned.

Ed picked up Alex again and wrapped her in the ropes. Alex dread to think about what was about to happen.

“SAM!!! WE CAN’T WIN!!!” Alex screamed, in a super desperate tone.

Even Though Sam was getting double teamed by Marie and Mandy, she heard Alex. Sam knew she was right.

“I FUCKING KNOW!!!” Sam heaved, right before getting socked in the face by Mandy.

“...Oh no, OOAAAAHAHHHHHHH!!!!” Alex screamed as Ed jumped up and landed on top of the ropes, crushing Alex between the ropes and the edge of the ring.

“Bouncy, bouncy!” Ed roared, jumping up a few more times.


Ed gave an ‘okay’ hand sign and went back to his dumb self pretty quickly.

“Okay, little Alex!” Ed yelled as he grabbed the ropes and stretched them.

“Wait wait wait, what the fuck are you--DOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING????!!” Alex cried out, as Ed let the ropes snapback, sending her flying into the side of the cell. She slammed into it like a bug and fell to the hard floor with a thud.


“I pooped my pants!” Sarah added.


“This gives Rolf a sign of remembrance!... Rolf must use the bathroom now. MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR PORCELAIN GODS!” Rolf announced before running off.

“Ha! Looks like the tables have turned you cunt!” Mandy smirked.

Sam normally would have a come back ready to go, especially for Mandy. However, no comeback would save her from just how fucked the situation had gotten.

Meanwhile, Rolf struggled to use the bathroom, making opera style Goku screams as he took a massive shit. The crowd began to feel a bit awkward at the anime screams.

“Wow, would ya listen to that?! He’s about to stock the pond with big brown bass, Plank!” Johnny pointed out.

Rumbling could be heard as Rolf took his shit. Dick Cheney began to freak out in front of George.


Dick turned around and faced the crowd.


Sam overheard this. 

“Eww, black… Wait, those three descriptions match us!” Sam realized, beaming with joy.

“Fuck off Sam, I’m-” *Coughs up blood* “supposed to be the racist one…” Clover pointed out groggily, sorta but not really recovered from being crushed.

Sam ran towards Alex and Clover and picked them up, humping then (not in a dirty way) over her shoulders, as she made her quote-unquote “daring” escape.

“Hey, where are you going?! I’m finally kicking your ass!” Mandy snapped, clenching her fists.

Mandy started having a tantrum and grabbed a steel chair, as Sam ran away faster, 

“WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING?! SHE’S HAVING A PSYCHOTIC BREAKDOWN!!” Jerry exclaimed as Mandy hit herself in the forehead with the chair.

Mandy looked around for a bit with intent to kill, as blood rushed down her head. She looked at Marie, then hallucinated and assumed it was the Spies.

“YOU COME INTO MY RING, YOU GET THAT ASS BEAT!” Mandy yelled, running after Marie.

“Uh oh.” Marie quietly whimpered before running away.



“Isn't this already a no rules match though?” Ghost questioned.

“EXACTLY!!!” Randy Savage concurred.    

Ed laughed dumbly as Mandy chased Marie around. He had completely forgotten about The Spies.

“Chase, chase! Pass go, collect two hundred dollars! A huh huh!” Ed chuckled to himself.

A combination of spit and blood formed around Mandy’s mouth as she started getting a crazy amount of adrenaline.

“OH SHIT! ED! HELP ME! HELP ME!!” Marie begged as Mandy picked her up and lugged her over the shoulder.

Mandy tossed Marie up in the air and slammed her down chest-first on the steel chair, getting a gasp and cheers from the crowd.


“Owwwww…” Marie wheezed as she slowly crawled on the ground.

“Mandy just flew the kite into the pancake factory! FLAT LIKE A WAFFLE!” Ed yelled.

“Uhh, guys? Do any of you feel that shaking?” Ghost asked while looking around.

“THE ONLY THING I FEEL IS THE FEELING OF VIIIIIIICTORY!!” Randy Savage howled, doing Pillar Men poses.

Right at that moment, Rolf could be heard yelling from the bathroom.


 The ground shook like there was an Earthquake, causing everyone to panic. 

“Well hot damn, a Red Head, Blondie, and a Darkie!” George cheered, with a big Merichan smile.

 “Yeah yeah! We suckie suckie long time and all that, NOW GET US OUT OF HERE!!!” Sam shrieked.

(Please understand, we do not condone any racist, sexist, or overall just fucking dumb views of very many...well, any characters in this story. I promise, we have common sense!--Minorsmile)

“Alright you fine ladies, let’s get to the truck! Alex can take the backseat with George, the redhead will sit on my lap and Mrs. ol’ blue eyes can take shotgun!” Dick Cheney explained while George Bush nodded in agreement.

“Eh, alright. Wouldn’t be the first time I sat on an old man. Or potentially had sex with an old man. Or--”

“We get the idea sweetheart, now get in the car!” George Bush yelled, hopping in the backseat.

Sam handed off Clover to Dick Cheney, making him squeal with waifu excitement. She hoisted Alex in the backseat and kinda harshly shoved her in, accidentally hitting her in the shin with the car door before getting her in.

George Bush began to play slow jazz as he felt up Alex.

“Oi, can’t you at least wait until she wakes up to, you the thingy with the people and such?” Sam asked.

“Hey, I’m not gonna have sex with her yet! Emphasis on yet…” George Bush assured.

Sam immediately realized that she had no right to call him out on the date rape. Given all the fucked up shit her and the other two had done up to that point. 

“Eh, whatever. Guess I’d better get to work.” Sam acknowledged with relative ease as she unzipped Dick Cheney’s pants.

“You know, my favorite color is white! Wait, not like that, I mean-” Dick Cheney said way too loudly.

“No fucking shit! Now let me suck your cock!” Sam interrupted.

Clover watched groggily as her two ‘friends’ had sexual relations with the aged men. Though she was in no way attracted to them, she was still jealous.

 “What the fuck?! Why would you ask for a Master Race girl, then not fuck her!?” Clover snapped.

“Actually, your right! I think your Darkie friend requires a hand. If you know what I mean.”


“FOR THE LOVE OF WHITE JESUS, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!” Johnny exclaimed, running off.

The crowd all made for the exits, knocking over anyone that came in their way. Unfortunately for Kevin, he just so happened to have regained consciousness. 

“DORKS!” *WHEEZE* “DORKS DORKS DORKS DORKS DORKS!” Kevin cried out, as he was trampled. 

"YAY, PARTY! SHIT SHIT TIME!” Sarah praised, pulling her pants down.

“YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE THE MACHO MAN...IS ABOUT TO BECOME A LOT LESS OF A MAN!” Randy Savage grunted, running out of the stadium.


Jerry looked around as everything was falling apart. Ghost on the other hand sat and did nothing but smoke weed like a champ.

“If you want to leave, then leave. Match has already been over, and I have a job to do.” Ghost casually stated.

Jerry looked at him, now confused.

“Job? What are you-”

Out of nowhere, Vince McMahon came out with Double D tied naked to a cross, and a bomb strapped to his suit.


“And now for the finale of tonight’s pay per view, I shall make my sacrifice in the name of Allah and acquire my 72 traps!” Vince McMahon announced, super fanatically insane.

“Isn’t it female virgins, not traps?” Jerry asked, not focused on how his boss had a fucking bomb strapped to his chest.

“THAT’S FUCKING LAME! YOU’RE FIRED! PRAISE BE TO ALLAH’S BUTTERY BUTTHOLE!” Vince shrieked like a maniac as he set the bomb on fire, instead of lighting it properly.

Vince McMahon exploded in a ball of fiery greatness, sending Double D flying through the air while blowing up a solid third of the arena. The rest of the people there screamed and ran away at the sight of such a metal event.

“Well shit, looks like he took himself out… We should get out of here now.” Ghost commented.

Mandy looked over for a second, blood still rushing from her head and various other body parts.



Double D was suddenly sent flying across the ring, landing on both Marie and Mandy. Double D’s cock landed directly in Mandy’s mouth, calming her down quite a bit.

“HEY!! THAT’S MY MAN, GET OFF!!!” Marie complained.

“I woulf, buf hith cock if in mah moufthf!” Mandy replied as she pulled his cock out.

Mandy looked up at Double D and got back to her normal state of mind, realizing he’s just her type.

“Oh...WOW YOU’RE SO CUTE!” exulted Mandy as the blood started to blind her.


Marie looked on and realized Double D’s harem increased to an odd, yet evenly hot, five.

Mandy got up and immediately began sucking Double D’s cock some more, thoroughly enjoying herself. Marie’s hair suddenly shapeshifted into fire.



“Wait...what?” Marie asked, now kind of disturbed.

“Ohhh...I wouldn’t try and stop her if I were you. I’d imagine she’s very adamant about this kind of thing. I've come to accept that I attract crazy women for some reason...” Double D added, completely defeated.

“Grrr...FINE! GIMME THE BALLS AT LEAST!!” Marie demanded, running at Double D.

Marie ran up to Mandy and Double D and began sucking both testes at once, making Double D feel like a fucking chad.

“Hey, this is actually nice! WOW!” Double D exulted.

After a few minutes of grotesquely pleasurable taste and dick sucking, Double D blew the hardest load he’d ever blown in his life.

Before Mandy could suck any more, she passed out and fell to the ground.

“Oh well. More for me!” Marie beamed, proceeding to keep giving Double D the time of his life.

Ed stared and laughed as the ground rumbled more.

“Huh huh! Suck suck suck! LIKE A FAST FOOD STRAW!” Ed yelled.

The rumbling got louder as Lee and May ran up to rescue their sister from the incoming shitsplosion. 

“WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE MARIE, SUCK COCK ON YOUR OWN TIME!” Lee asserted, pulling Marie off of Double D.

May lugged Double D’s cross out, dragging it across the floor.

“Hey WAIT a second! We can’t just leave her here!!” Double D yelled, pointing at Mandy.

“Sure we can!” Marie replied, very casually.

“I mean yeah, but we shouldn’t. It was pretty funny watcher her kick your ass, Marie.” Lee added.

Marie flipped Lee off.

Ed ran back over and placed Mandy over his shoulder, proceeding to point to the exit heroically.

“LET US RUN, LIKE THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCADICKS!” Ed cried out as he ran forward.

“CHAAAAAAAAAARGE!!” Ed yelled again, the Kankers following behind.

“Duel of the Fates” from Star Wars could be heard in the background as Ed and the Kankers charged away from the impending shitsplosion.

Eddy and everyone else ran away furiously, only for Eddy to trip on a piece of rubble and fall.

“OW!!! Friggin- OWWW!!!” Eddy scratched, as his nuts and face were repeatedly trampled.

Eddy looked up to see that people were catching up to him, and quickly.

“What the--AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” Eddy yelled as Ed started to trample him.


“Did someone say KFC??!” burst Ed, refusing to perpetuate the stereotype.

Lee stopped when she noticed Eddy laying nearly motionless on the ground.

“Oh that’s right, you’re here too! Well, come on hubby!” 

Lee picked up the broken and battered Eddy and carried him off on her back. Her shoulder kept hitting him in the package as she ran, making him yelp in pain each time.



As they finally made their escape, the metal structures started to give away. The place was about to come crashing down, potentially killing all who might be inside. Though no one was actually inside… Well, no one except for Kevin.

“D...D...Dorks…” Kevin wheezed, not knowing what was happening around him. 

This would have been his end, but fore chan itly  :D was actually on his side for once. A massive, thunderous explosion of shit came out of the restroom area, getting all over Kevin.


“Rolf has relieved himself of the eldritch horror!” Rolf stated proudly.

Rolf immediately noticed the destruction all around him. He didn’t really care, and kinda found it cool. But then he noticed Kevin. His alpha instinct kicked in, and he knew he had to once again rescue the beta.

“Must Rolf play coy to the failures of mankind? Fear not! Rolf will avoid covering his hands with the abomination from the intestines of sin!” Rolf yelled, raising his fist to the heavens.

Rolf pulled some pubes off himself and threw them on Kevin. Kevin would have been discussed, but he had been through too much to care anymore.

“ROLF MUST SAVE MOTORCYCLE BOY KEVIN USING THE PUBES OF HIS ANCESTORS!” Rolf raged, getting too into and kicking Kevin.

“Dorks…” Kevin wheezed, wondering when the nightmare would end. 

Rolf lifted Kevin over his shoulder LIKE A MAN WOULD!!! With alpha and a bit feral instincts, Rolf rushed out of the arena. Just in time to, escaping right as the place completely collapsed.

He met up with every other important character and stopped to catch his breath. The others watch on as the arenas flames burned away anything that wasn't metal. 

“Hey wait a second??! What happened to John Cena?!” May wondered.

“I’m uhh...I’m sure he got out.” Marie replied.

As if God himself was listening, John Cena came running out screaming. His shorts were burning and probably hurt a lot. Still probably better than what the Spies did or would do to him though. 

“Wow! Talk about a burning bush!” May exclaimed.

Lee smacked her over the head.

“You idiot! That joke only works with girls!” 

“I like da girlsies…” An unconscious Mandy muttered in her sleep.

“Eugh, how’d she get so bloody?! Did she just go through puberty or something??!” Lee questioned.

“I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I...somethin’ or other…” Mandy yelled with a snore.

“No, she just hit herself with a steel chair like a psycho. And got hit with steel chairs by the Spies. Wait, weren't you watching the-”

“Wait! Where are the Spies?!” Double D asked while looking around nervously. 

Everyone got a little worried and frantically looked around. To their surprise though, The Spies were nowhere to be found. 

“WE HAVE TO GET YOU ALL TO THE HOSPITAL BEFORE I HAVE TO TAKE YOU TO THE MORGUE!” Ghost screamed out of the blue, in his glorious British accent from his helicopter.

This scared the shit out of everyone. How did Ghost even get a helicopter??!

“You know what, he’s right. My man's nut sack needs some rest.” Lee commented.

“YOU JUST FIGURED THAT OUT!?” Eddy screamed.

The Kankers and Ed brought Mandy, Eddy and Double D onto the helicopter. They noticed that Jerry was the pilot, and got a little worried.

“Uhhhh, have you ever flown one of these before?” Double D asked, trying to hide his concern. 

“No, but Ghost said I could fly it! SO HOLD ON TIGHT, LIKE MANDY’S POONTANG!!!” Jerry beamed.

“Wait, what?” Marie asked, quite concerned.

“How do ya think she got into the match! She suckie suckie long time!” Jerry shouted over the loud helicopter blades.

The helicopter lifted off from the ground and was about ready to leave. Jerry abruptly stopped though when he saw Rolf running at them while holding Kevin.

“DO NOT FLY THE VEHICLE OF THE ANGELS YET, ED BOYS! ROLF HAS A PACKAGE FOR THE MIGHTY STORK!” Rolf yelled as he carried Kevin over his shoulder.

“D……dorks…and stuff…” Kevin commented.


“What is he talking ab- HOLY SHIT!!!” May yelled.

Rolf attempted to chuck Kevin into the helicopter. He completely missed though, and Kevin landed face-first onto the concrete.

“D...D…” Kevin was too hurt to even say, Dorks. 


Rolf once again threw Kevin. This time though, Kevin made it onto the helicopter. 

“No more waiting, off to the hospital we goooooo!!!!” Jerry announced, clearly pumped to be flying.

Rolf watched on as they flew out of in the distance, and smiled with glee.

A very familiar voice could be heard as they flew off.

“I wonder how tough Kevin’s testes are!? MAN UP, uhh, MAN!!!” Lee yelled as she kicked Kevin in the balls.

“DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORKS!!!” Kevin cried out once more with feeling. The feeling of a testicular holocaust.

“Ahahahah! Kevin shouldn't be alive right now.” Sarah commented.

Rolf was a little confused, but then remembered something very, very important.

“Rolf must now go lay his pipe into Kevin-boy’s ex-girlfriend, ENOUGH PIPE TO BUILD THE FOUNDATION OF ONE THOUSAND SEPTIC SYSTEMS!!” 

Rolf walked off to do just that… All while no one did anything about the big ass fire that was still raging on.

Chapter Text

Where once there is a beginning; there is an end. The Totally Spies, Ed, Edd, Eddy, and the rest had been through hell and back. They had gone on adventures, fucked, lived, fought, and somehow not died… Speaking of fucked.

“Well gee, why didn’t you tell us that you weren't a hardened criminal?!” A Police Officer yelled politely at the newly freed from prison Jimmy while dropping him off at the hospital corner.

Jimmy just kinda stood there. He didn’t have the energy or mental stability to do anything else.

“......Well, bye then!” The cop shouted as he quickly hopped back in his car and drove off in what seemed like a hurry.

A doctor walked out and saw Jimmy. Jimmy was still dressed as a trap and had very visible bruise marks left by the prisoners.


Jimmy started to shiver and broke down in tears. The Doctor quickly rushed him inside and did some Doctor shit. Enough about him though, he barely did anything in the story.

In the hospital lied Ed, Sarah, Double D, Marie, Lee, May, and Mandy. Mandy was dead asleep and the rest had concussions (while Mandy had at least three), but the rest began to wake up. 

“Hospeepeepisstal? Yay!” Sarah cheered.

“Why the heck are we here? What happened to the ‘copter thingie?!” Lee demanded to know.

“Please calm down! Your brain needs some rest after the collision.” A nurse replied, before going back to her cell phone and proceeding to buy black market organs on the deep web version of 8chan.

Everyone was a bit dumbfounded by this.

“Collision?! What collision!?” Eddy asked, very concerned.

“Jerry crashed the helicopter.” Ghost calmly answered, from the other side of the room. 

“Jerry crashed into a lot of things during his career!” Ed shouted dumbly.

“That’s actually true, Ed.” Jerry replied, entering the room while eating a bag of chips.

“So wait, what now? Where's the Spies?” Marie asked.

Double D began to shiver.


Marie gave Double D a very confused and kinda concerned look.

“What? Don’t tell me you suffered brain damage that badly. The Spies won't come here just because we mention them.”

This didn’t calm Double D down. If anything, he started to freak out more.

“You don’t understand! THEY SOMEHOW DEFY ALL LOGIC!!!” Double D cried out while violently shaking in bed.

“Quick! Someone restrain him!” The nurse yelled.

Two other nurses ran into the room and attempted to tie him to the bed.


Double D did everything he could to resist the nurses. His PTSD was beyond triggered at this point, causing him to kick and scream even more. The nurses were starting to get annoyed but understood why he was acting that way. 

Like clockwork, the Totally Spies showed up wearing sunglasses, getting out of Dick Cheney and George Bush’s truck.

“You girls have fun for the rest of your day now! And Sam, thanks for the suckie long time!” thanked Dick before driving off and immediately crashing into a light post.

The truck caught on fire, and the two quickly rolled out. They stood back and watched as their truck burned.

Hey, at least they got their dicks sucked.

“Well shit… Looks like we’re gonna have to get home the old fashioned way!” George announced.

Dick nodded his head, and the two pulled out men's anime wigs. Japanese rock music began to play as they placed the wigs on their heads. 


“LET’S GO TO NIGGASAKI!” George shouted in response.

“It’s NAGASAKI, you fucking…oh, whatever…” Alex replied.

The two blankly stared at her.

“Naga?! That’s not nearly as funny! Let’s just keep running till we end up somewhere cool!” George suggested, in a slightly disappointed tone. 

George and Dick began to Naruto run as Dick played the first “My Hero Academia” opening on his cell phone. The Spies watched on as they quickly disappeared from view. 

“Chyy doo saya something…dananana…” Clover sang to herself.

“Shut up, weeb!” Sam yelled.

“I wonder where they’ll be next? Those guys sure do have a lot of life in them for being up there in years.” Alex added.

“They’ll probably end up in another fanfiction or something,” Clover replied, not really caring.

Out of the blue, two actually kind of normal looking guys walked down the street next to the Spies. One was a stocky, a little chubby but still healthy Mexican looking guy, and the other was what looked like a skinny Eurasian office/retail manager.

“Oh, they’ll be around. But it won’t be in fanfiction form.” The Eurasian guy commented as the two seemed to quickly walk off.

“Woah, they’re gone. I wonder if that was a premonition of the future?” Sam tried to reply, not noticing anyone there anymore.

“The future lies with Buttered Toast. For we are the Buttered Anarchists!” Alex yelled.

“What? You know what, whatever. We need to go tell Double D the good news!” Clover interjected.

“Oh yeah, DOUBLE DEEEEEEEEEE!!!!” Sam screamed as she charged into the hospital doors, shattering them.

“HEY!!! YOU WON'T GET DOUBLE D TO YOURSELF!!!” Clover screamed, charging behind her.

“...DOUBLE DEEEEEEEE!!!!!” Alex… You get the joke.

The three screamed like lunatics as they ran up to the front desk. Patients and staff alike cowered in fear. They knew damn well who the Spies were at that point.

“EEEEEEEEEEEE- Hello, we’d like to see Double D.” Sam suddenly and calmly requested.

The staff immediately booked the Spies in. They didn’t want to risk feeling their wrath. The thought of saying no to the three insane women was something nobody wanted to deal with.

“Thank you, sweety! ...DOUBLE DEEEEEEEEEE!!!!” Sam continued to scream like the war cry of Boko Haram while making her way towards the room. 

Clover and Alex gave one last look at the scared receptionist and followed behind Sam.

In the recovery room, the nurses had finally managed to restrain Double D. He calmed down a little bit after realizing they were doing it for his own good.

This didn't last long though when Double D heard the crashing, loud footsteps and staff members taking the Lord's name in vain. He immediately knew what was coming.

“GOOD LORD! THEY FOUND MEE!!!!!” Double D cried out, as he immediately tried to escape his bindings.

“Who found you? What the heck are you talking abou…” One nurse asked before Alex kicked the door down.

Her crazed eyes scanned the room, causing Ghost to instinctively pull his gun out. 

“Oh fuck…” Marie commented.

“I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!” Eddy cried out.

“How the fuck did Alex get here before us?!” Sam questioned.

“Well, you know what they say. Black people are fast ru-” 

Clover cut herself off when she noticed Double D freaking out. Smiles immediately formed across each spy’s face as they went from crazed to horny.

“I-I-I-I-I thought you three were dead! Or at least in hiding!! OR SOMETHING!!!” Double D shrieked.

“No sweety, we’re right here! We always will be!” beamed The Spies simultaneously.

“...Fuck it.” Double D said out loud, cursing for the second time in his entire life as he just gave up. He was fine with having a harem now.

“Acceptance is the first step to a happy life of Buttered Toast!” Ed commented.

“Speaking of which…does my man want a quickie?!” May suggested.

Right on cue, Butter Astolfo arrived to escort Ed to the pearly gates.

“My child, you proved yourself a warrior and a half on this day. Allow me to take you to the golden kingdom, where you will spend the rest of eternity ravaging the asses of heavenly traps and femboys.” Butter Astolfo offered.

“What the--How’d he get in here??!” blurted Lee.

“THAT’S A HE!!?” Marie shouted with surprise.

“Yes, I indeed do have a cock, but I do not use it much. Except for pissing and the occasional suckie suckie long time. But only with another girl. Otherwise, it would be gay.” smiled Butter Astolfo.


“...Shit, you’re right. I guess I do use it.” Butter Astolfo admitted.

Ed thought about going to heaven for a moment and realized it wasn't his time yet.

“I’m sorry Astolfo, but more people must know the ways of Buttered Toast. Ah huh huh huh!” Ed happily explained.

Astolfo gave a weak, but genuine smile.

“That is fair, my child. You will do great things with your human life. In death, you will ascend to the buttery golden gates, and soar among the toasted clouds. Now then, I will go to Las Vegas and play strip poker with perverted middle-aged men.” Astolfo agreed, flying into the distance.

Everyone watched on in confusion. Everyone except for Alex.

“I don't know why, but THAT GUY MAKES ME ANGRY!!!” 

Alex faced Eddy and punched him directly in the exposed nuts through his hospital gown.

“OWWWW!!! WHYYYYY?!” Eddy cried out while holding his crotch.


“Fuckin’ Kevin is in a medically induced coma, calm the fu-” Ghost tried to explain.

“FUUUUCK!!!!” raged Alex, picking up Eddy’s IV unit and whacking him upside the head with it.

“No, Gloria, I did not have relations with Olivia…” Eddy confusedly muttered.

“W-What?! Who the fuck are… GOD, I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH!!!!” exploded Alex in confusion.

Alex then punched Eddy in the nuts again, this time even harder.


“The world wants you to fuck off!” Alex retorted, kicking Eddy a few times.

“Wow! People on the internet are going to love this!” Jerry announced, revealing that he had been recording the entire time.

At that moment, Mandy finally woke up. She looked at the now beaten up Eddy and remembered something.

“Oh, that reminds me! I had a friend of mine who REALLY wanted to see all of you! Especially you, Eddy!” Mandy stated a bit groggily.

“What?! NO! I don’t want visitors right now!!!” Eddy screamed.

Unfortunately for him, a deafening theme song could be heard.


Stone Cold Steve Austin’s theme could be heard as Shego from the reality TV spy show Kim Possible sprinted into the room and started beating the ever-loving shit out of Eddy.



“IT’S CALLED PROSTITUTION, IT’S WORTH A LOT OF MONEY! YOU SHOULD TRY IT SOMETIME!!” Shego shouted, grabbing a bedpan and hitting Eddy on the head with it.

“AAAGGGGHHHH!!” Eddy shrieked, trying to get away as his head got bruised.

Alex grabbed Eddy and pressed him against his hospital bed. Meanwhile, Shego got an idea.

“HEROES NEVER DIE!” Shego imitated Mercy from Overwatch as she grabbed a defibrillator.

Eddy’s eyes widened as he braced for pain.


Eddy started to smoke and get singed hair while Alex picked him up and did a Burning Hammer on him. This almost knocked Eddy out cold, until he heard a roaring voice in his ears.

“TIME TO KICK THE JUNK IN THE RUMP!” Shego shouted as she zapped him in the nuts.



Alex picked Eddy back up, spread his legs open and did a Reverse Tombstone, dropping Eddy directly on his nuts instead of his head. Before Eddy could scream in pain, Shego grabbed a potted plant and started bashing Eddy over the head with it.

While Eddy received the beating of a lifetime, Sam and Clover were working and slurping on Double Ds balls. Much to the dismay of Marie and Mandy.

“Man, this is the life…a little lower, please.” approved Double D finally giving in.

“I’d work the cock, but I’m kinda feeling eeeehhh…” Mandy stated as she laid back down, neglecting to give a fuck, though secretly holding back her raging bitch mode.

“GIMMIE THAT FUCKING COCK!!!!” Marie screamed as she jumped off of her bed.

Double D snapped out of his trance when he noticed Marie coming in for a crash landing.

“OHHH MYYYYY, I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE MY- GGHAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!” Double D cried out, as Marie landed mouth first on his cock.

“Yay! They’re giving best boy Double D the suckies!!” Sarah exclaimed.

Suddenly Sarah started to go back to her old state of mind, just a bit.

“Hey, wait…WHERE’S JIMMY!!?” Sarah screamed.

Sam ran up and whacked Sarah over the head with a bedpan, knocking her out.

“Let’s just let her sleep this one-off, m’kay?” Sam suggested.

“Baby sister Sarah looks so CYUUTE when she’s sleeping, huh huh!” Ed added.

While all this insanity was happening, Johnny was looking in from outside the window.

“Wow Rolf, you were right, they are fucking insane!” Johnny shuddered.

Rolf temporarily stopped fucking Nazz to respond.

“Hmm yes, the elder gods of craziness have beseeched her, and demanded she bring their power to bear in front of mortals!” Rolf replied.

Alex stopped beating the shit out of Eddy for a brief moment when she remembered the good news.

“Oh, Double DEEEEE!!!! Thanks to all those pornos, you’re now a millionaire!”

She immediately went back to kicking Eddy while Shego rushed over to help suck Double D’s cock.

As if he were Giorno Giovanna, Double D sat in his hospital bed like a Gang Star. A bit of smoke could be seen going out of the window as he accepted his new life as a haremillionaire. The tale of Double D and friends had then come to a close, but Double D was just about to come so...

“W-W-WOOOOOOOOOOW! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GODDDDDDDDDDDD!!” Double D shouted as he came all over four of his six girlfriends.




A very dark, medieval-looking castle could be seen as dramatic music played in the background.

“GENTLEMEN…TODAY, I will be the main antagonist of Totally Edds!! I bought this truck full of horse sperm to DESTROY with my laser-powered arsenal of robot ninja rabbits! BWWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!” Dr. Weird yelled.

“Erm…sir, that story just finished being written a paragraph or two ago.” His assistant, Steve replied.

Dr. Weird stared blankly yet angrily at his assistant for a moment.

“Wait, what!!? THOSE FUCKING WRITERS! SCREW YOU! YOU PROMISED ME I’D BE THE ANTAGONIST! SCREW YOU FOREVER, JUSTSAGAN AND MINORSMILE!!!” Dr. Weird screamed dramatically as rain poured on his castle.