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The Care Barians

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Barians but they’re The Care Bearians

Nasch as Angsty Bear

Merag as Fed Up Bear

Gilag as Hugsalot Bear

Alit as Laughsalot Bear

Mizael as Dragon Bear

Durbe as Book Bear

Vector as Carrot Knife Bear

DK as Mayor Bear

 

  It was a bright and sunny day in Crystalville and all of the bears (save for one) were preparing for the Friendship Day Festival. The mayor, Mayor Bear announced very cheerfully that this year’s celebration would be super super special!

 

  "Ooh! I bet it’s Mayor bear’s secret cupcake!" exclaims Laughsalot Bear.

 

  "Or maybe it’s Mayor Bear’s special friendship song!" giggles Hugsalot Bear.

 

  The two best friends exchanged glances and giggled.

 

  "Back to work, please!" calls Book Bear as he approaches the friends. "We have a lot of work to do!"

 

  "Tell that to Carrot Knife Bear!" snaps Angsty Bear as he blasts Linkin Park from his Bluetooth speaker. His eyeliner was running down his fuzzy purple cheeks for the fifth time today.

 

  Just then, the sound of a cheerful honk sounded across the town square! Hooray! Fed Up Bear was here! She was the postbear of Crystalville, but hated it when people called her Fed Ex Bear instead of Fed Up bear, because frankly, she was fed up with it. Opening the door to the delivery van, a cloud of rainbows and glitter came out along with Fed Up Bear. She gave her brother one last look, rolled her eyes and observed the rest of the town square.

 

  "Special delivery for..."

 

  "Oooh! Me! Me me me me me!" shouts Dragon Bear, jumping up and down in his dragon costume.

 

  Fed Up Bear lets out a sigh and checks the package’s label. She shakes her head.

 

  "Bad news, Dragon Bear. It’s not for you."

 

  Dragon Bear’s tail sagged and he made a big frown. Book Bear came and patted him on the back.

 

  "It’s for Carrot Knife Bear. Is he here?" asks Fed Up Bear as she looks around at the festive decorations.

 

  "He hasn’t been helping at all for today’s festival," grumbles Angsty Bear.

 

  Fed Up Bear checks the package’s label again and sets it on the table.

 

  "Well, it says it’s for the Friendship Day Festival, one day delivery."

 

  "Ooh! Maybe it’s Carrot Knife Bear’s cupcakes!" chirps Laughsalot Bear, which was weird because he was a bear and bears didn’t chirp.

 

  "Is there someone qualified to be his agent? I gotta go make some more deliveries," says Fed Up Bear as she checks her watch.

 

  Book Bear steps up and takes the package. He signs his name on the paper and nods in satisfaction.

 

  "Have a nice day," says Fed Up Bear as she hops back in her van.

 

  "Gee, I wonder what’s in the package?" wonders Hugsalot Bear.

 

  Book Bear shakes the box. No sound can be heard within it and he adjusts his glasses.

 

  "It wouldn’t hurt to look..." suggests Dragon Bear slyly.

 

  Without warning, Angsty Bear rips open the box and all of the bears let out shocked gasps. Oh no! What would Carrot Knife Bear say?!

 

  "What the fuck?!" screams a voice from behind.

 

  All of the bears turn around. With his tufts of orange fur standing on one end is Carrot Knife Bear, anger filling his expression. Now that’s what you call a real bear.

 

  "You ruined the surprise!" he grumbles as he snatches up the package inside of the package. It’s wrapped in pink wrapping and topped with a big blue bow.

 

  "No we didn’t!" snaps Angsty Bear. "It’s because you couldn’t come soon enough to take your package from Fed Up Bear!"

 

  "Shut the fuck up!" snaps Carrot Knife Bear as he tears open his package. When he shows everyone the contents, everyone screams.

 

  "Where did you even get a nuclear warhead?!" screeches Dragon Bear. "I was barely able to order a dragon dildo without the PG13 bear cops getting on my ass!"

 

  An awkward, Linkin Park filled silence followed. Carrot Knife Bear gave Dragon Bear a weird look and then caresses the nuclear warhead.

 

  "This is our salvation," says Carrot Knife Bear desperately.

 

  "From what? You?" sneers Angsty Bear as he switches his music to Avril Lavigne before she became lame.

 

  "From this," says Carrot Knife Bear, motioning to their world. "This shit’s all fake. The cotton candy trees—"

 

  "Well who asked you to eat them, dipshit?" interjects Angsty Bear over Lavigne’s "Smile."

 

  "Shut up! Everything here is a lie! This fucking pink sky, these candy pathways, these cute little houses, these fluffy, animal shaped clouds..," wheezes Carrot Knife Bear.

 

  "Then what’s reality?" asks Book Bear as he picks up a nearby mallet.

 

  "We’re actually under Don Thousand’s spell! We need to break free!"

 

  "Why?" asks Laughsalot Bear as he munches on a lollipop. "This seems pretty real to me."

 

  "You don’t understand!" explodes Carrot Knife Bear. "We’re actually supposed to be rock aliens in human teenagers’ bodies!"

 

  "That’s just as weird as being bears with pictures on their stomachs," sneers Angsty Bear.

 

Without warning, Carrot Knife Bear raises the warhead. There wasn’t even time for anyone to scream.

 

  "IM GONNA COUNT TO THREE! ONE, TWO—FUCK IT!"

 

BOOM

 

As the nuclear warhead is detonated, everyone can feel their bodies vaporizing. The bright flash fills the air and before they know it, the barians have woken up behind one of Heartland’s candy stands. Groans fill the air and the sounds of people clearing sugar from their shirts are heard.

 

  "Gee, Vector," mumbles Alit. "You actually saved us."