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The Things Bystanders Hear

Chapter Text

The moment Mista walked to Risotto's office Melone sighed. "Risotto is so damn lucky," he huffed. "Have you seen the ass on the gunslinger?"

Formaggio groaned, "Why can't they go to some cheap motel to have sex?"

"Because our Capo loves his gunslinger. He would never take him to a cheap motel."

"Then he should take him to a fucking-"

Before Formaggio could even finish his sentence he was cut off by Mista's moaning. Melone and Formaggio just looked at each other as they listened to the gunslinger whining.


". . .I want to fucking die. . ." Formaggio said with a blank stare on his face.

He and Melone slowly turned to look at the TV and went back to watching Dirty Dancing. As Melone and Formaggio continued trying to watch the movie on the screen they turned up the volume to drown out the sound of skin hitting skin and the gunslinger's moans.

It didn't help.

After a while they completely gave up on watching the movie. They saw no point in trying to watch something if all they could hear was a little bitch whining.

"Oh my fucking god! Why didn't he gag him?!" Formaggio hissed. "He's so damn loud!"

"Don't worry about it," Melone sighed. "It's be over soon."

Melone tried his best to keep Formaggio from getting up and walking into Risotto's office. He knew that Formaggio would die if he marched into the room to tell Mista and Risotto to be quiet. Though, he also knew that he wouldn't be able to hold him back for long. This has been going on for more than a few months now. There is no way that Formaggio is just going to sit back and listen to this anymore. And he was right.


Formaggio looked at Melone and started to hiss, "Fuck this! I'm going to give them a piece of my mind!"

The man, in a fit of rage, got off the couch and walked to Risotto's office. Melone knew he was most likely never going to see Formaggio again. He basically just walked into his own grave.

Melone turned off the tv the moment he heard Formaggio kick down Risotto's door.


"GET THE FUCK OUT FORMAGGIO!!" Risotto growled loudly.

Formaggio fell to the ground and started coughing up blood and razors. The only thing he could think of is why did he decide to kick down Risotto's door was the best idea. He knew this was going to happen and yet he still did it like the idiot he is.

Melone walked into the room and just looked down at Formaggio. He then quickly apologized to Risotto for Formaggio being a dumbass as he dragged him out of the room.

After that day, everyone learned to do one of two things when Mista came over. One, is to just leave and come back a few hours later. Or two, don’t be like Formaggio and kick down the Capo’s door. Just ignore what you hear.

Chapter Text

“Narancia, could you go find Bucciarati for me?” Fugo asked.

“Why don’t you go find him yourself?” Narancia hissed.

Fugo glared at Narancia then picked up a fork. “What did you say, Narancia?”

“I’LL GO FIND HIM!” Narancia said running away.

“That’s what I thought.”

Narancia ran up the stairs and sighed. He hated the fact that Fugo was so damn bossy. If he needed Bucciarati for something he could have just got up and found the man himself. But no he had to make him go find Bucciarati.

And that just happened to be the biggest mistake Fugo had ever made. He should have never sent Narancia to go find Bucciarati, because he had to face something he never wanted to know about.

When Narancia walked up to Bucciarati's door and thought he could hear something squeak. He also thought he could hear panting.

"L-Leone~" Bucciarati whined.

Abbacchio started chuckling. "You like it like that, you slut?"

Narancia was confused. What the fuck is going on in there?

He just sighed then opened the door. "Hey Bucciarati. Fugo said-" Narancia stopped mid sentence.

He was in shock. He didn't want to do about what he was seeing. He walked in on Abbacchio and Bucciarati having sex and they still haven't noticed that he is standing right there.

Poor Narancia. He's sweet, innocent mind can't handle what he is seeing. Bucciarati is tied up and Abbacchio is fucking him into the bed.

"P-Please. . ." Bucciarati continued to whine.

"Please what?" Abbacchio hissed.

"Please let me-"

Narancia quickly ran out of the room and slammed the door shut behind him. He then ran down the stairs and quickly pass Fugo.

"Narancia! Where the hell is Bucciarati!?" Fugo hissed.

Narancia made an noise that can only be described as pain before walking out of the house. He had to take a walk and get away from the house.

First he saw Giorno giving Mista a blow job in public and now this.

He's going to need therapy after what he just witnessed.

Chapter Text

“Bucciarati, I need you help,” Narancia whined.

Bucciarati sighed then pinched the bridge of his nose. “What did you do this time? Did you set part of the city on fire again?”


“Did you find another shark in your soup?”


“Then what did you do boy?” Bucciarati sighed.

“I lost my headband and I can’t find it anywhere,” Narancia sniffled.

Bucciarati just looked Narancia and sighed.

“How many times do I have to tell you to stop misplacing your things?” Bucciarati hissed. “You would lose your head if it wasn’t attached to your body.”

Narancia sighed. “I’m sorry Bucciarati. Could you just please find my headband? I promise I won’t bug you for the rest of the week if you find it.”

Bucciarati groaned. “Fine. If I find it you better take the rest of your problems to Abbacchio.”

“Thank you Bucciarati!”

Bucciarati stood from his chair and walked up stairs.

Why the hell does he always lose his things? He shouldn’t have been able to lose a bright orange headband.

Bucciarati looked through every room. The headband was not in Narancia’s room. Nor in Abbacchio’s edgy ass room, or Mista’s messy room. Bucciarati checked his own room, not expecting to find the headband there. He then went to Fugo’s room.

“Fugo, have you seen Narancia’s headband?”

Fugo sighed. “No, I haven’t.”

“Damn it! Where the hell could that boy have put his headband!?” Bucciarati hissed.

“Have you checked Giorno’s room?” Fugo asked. “No, but I don’t think his headbands will be there.”

“You know how Narancia is,” Fugo said. “If he misplaces something it’s going to be found in a weird place.”

Bucciarati started grumbling to himself as he walked out of Fugo’s room and to Giorno’s room. He looked around the room and finally found it.

It was under Giorno’s bed.

“How the hell did it end up here?”

As Bucciarati was trying to grab Narancia’s headband he could hear someone was trying to open the door. He quickly rolled under the bed and fell silent. When he heard the door close and the lock click he started to panic a bit.

Oh no. Why did Giorno lock the door? Is he going to do what I think he is going to do? At least he has the decency to lock the door while masturbating unlike some people in this house!

Bucciarati remained silent as he just listened. As he was listening he heard Giorno groan.

. . .Wait a minute! That wasn’t Giorno!. . . Is that Mista!?

“G-GioGio. . .” Mista moaned. “Are you sure you are okay with this?”

Giorno chuckled. “Yes Mista. Now take your pants off.”

Bucciarati’s eyes went wide when he heard that. He wanted to leave, but he couldn’t. If he were to come from under the bed now it was going to be hard to explain to them why he under the bed. However, listening to Mista moaning like a little bitch while Giorno sucked him off (that’s what Bruno thought he was doing) was torture.

“Giorno! I-I’m-” Mista groaned and a few seconds later came a popping sound.

Bucciarati was praying that is all they would do. He didn’t know how much more of this he could handle.

Boy, does God hate him!

Bruno had to sit there and continue to listen to the sounds that came from above him. His mind was blank. He didn’t know what to do. The sound of skin hitting skin was fucking agonizing, and them moaning didn’t make it any better. Bucciarait wanted to fucking die because of this.


Mista’s moaning snapped Bucciarati out of thought.

“What’s wrong, Mista?~” Giorno purred. “Can’t handle taking it up the ass?”

. . .Okay, so all I can say as the narrator is that Bucciarati died a little bit after hearing that. Never in his life did he want to hear anything like that come out of Giorno’s mouth. He wanted this to be some terrible, terrible dream. But it wasn’t.

I think I’m just going to lie here and die. . .

For what felt like hours (which it actually had been a few hours) Mista and Giorno finally got done. Bucciarati waited a few minutes for those two to leave. When he heard the door open he counted to himself for two minutes before crawling out from under the bed. He grabbed Narancia’s headband and walked down the stairs in silence.

“Bucciarati, did you find my headband?” Narancia asked while walking up to him.

Bucciarati put the headband on Narancia’s head. He then walked away in silence.

“Bucciarati? Are you okay?” Narancia asked. “What happened?”

Bucciarati didn’t answer Narancia’s question. He just walked into the living room and fell onto the couch, right next to Abbacchio.

“You look dead inside Bruno,” Abbacchio said.

“That’s because I am. Now leave me alone, I want to take a nap. . .”

Abbacchio started to laugh as he patted the back of Bruno’s head.

“Did you walk in on Mista watching kinky porn, or something?” Abbacchio joked.

Bucciarati started to cry, because he wished that is all he walked in on.

Never again would he do a favor for Narancia. . .

Chapter Text

"Risotto! You're tired! Let me fucking drive!" Prosciutto hissed. 

“I’m not letting you drive after what happened,” Risotto sighed.

Prosciutto started to growl then punched Risotto in the arm. “I told you that wasn’t my fault! Illuso and Formaggio hid in the back seat and scared me! I didn’t mean to crash the car!”

“Well, you still wreaked our car,” Risotto said.

Prosciutto grumbled at Risotto continued to drive them home.

Risotto was fucking exhausted, but he’ll be damn if he let’s Prosciutto drive them home. 

As Risotto continued to drive he could see something in the distance. At first he didn’t think too much about it, that is until he realized it was Sorbet and Gelato fucking in the road. . .

How the fuck do they not have road rash? There is no damn way that should be comfortable. If you are reading this, please don’t do it in the road.

Anyway, Risotto and Prosciutto just looked at the two loves in the road in shock.

“Holy shit. . . Risotto, I think we should stop them. . .”

Prosciutto went on trying to convince Risotto to stop Gelato and Sorbet, but he was too busy thinking to himself.

Maybe I should just run them over. If I do that then there will be two less mouths to feed. . . Also two less people to pay. . . That sounds like a good idea. I think I’m just going-


Risotto was snapped out of thought then looked over at Prosciutto. He was in shock and was still looking at the lovers in the road.

They were getting down and dirty, literally.

“What are we going to do about them?” Prosciutto asked quietly.

Risotto sighed. “We can-”

“Give to me just like that baby! Gelato moaned.

Risotto put the car in drive and ran over Sorbet and Gelato. Prosciutto looked over at Risotto, completely horrified. He didn’t expect Risotto do that.

“. . .Risotto, why? Why did you do it?” Prosciutto asked.

“Because I can only deal with so much.”

Prosciutto and Risotto both fell silent. By the time they had gotten home, they thought that the lovers were dead. That is until Formaggio walked into the room.

“Hey guys. . . Sorbet and Gelato are in the hospital. . .” 

“What!? How the fuck did they do that?!” Ghiaccio hissed.

“I bet one of them broke their dick trying to do something freaky!” Illuso laughed.

“. . .What?” Pesci said quietly.

Prosciutto slapped Illuso upside the head for saying that when Pesci was in the room.

“That’s strange, why would they be in the hospital?” Melone asked.

Risotto and Prosciutto both just sat in silence as the others talk about it.

“They said they were hit by a car,” Fomaggio said. “I have no clue why they were in the road, and I don’t want to know why. . .”

“They shouldn’t have been in the damn road,” Risotto said. “Did they break anything?”

“No, the only thing that happened was they got road rash,” Formaggio answered. 

Risotto stood and walked off to the other room. Everyone was a bit confused until they heard a loud crash come from the other room.

“OH SHIT! ILLUSO!” Formaggio hissed.

“One step ahead of you!” 

All of them, except for Prosciutto, went over to the body mirror Illuso just had laying around and went to the mirror world.

“Prosciutto, are you coming with us?” Illuso asked. “You know what he is going to do if you just stay here.”

Prosciutto took his hair down and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

“Just go. I’ve been dealing with Risotto for a very long time, I’m fine with staying here.”

“Okay! It’s your death man!” Illuso said quickly running into the mirror world. 

Prosciutto pulled out a cigarette and lit it up. It was going to be one long night.

Chapter Text

“Abbacchio, I want everyone out of the damn house!” Bucciarati hissed. “Take the boys to go see a movie or something, and keep them out of fucking trouble!”

Bucciarati has had a very long week. After having to listen to Giorno and Mista go at if for two hours things just went downhill for him that week. He deserves a damn break.

“Okay, I’ll take them out,” Abbacchio sighed. “Is it that time of the month again Bruno?”

Bruno started to hiss at Abbacchio then started punching him. “I swear to fucking god Abbacchio I will zip off your fucking dick and make you eat it!”

Abbacchio started to laugh then grabbed Bucciarati’s wrist. “Who pissed you off?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Bucciarati sighed. “Now get the hell out of the house!”

“Okay! Okay! Boys! Get your asses down here!”

Giorno and Mista walked down the stairs and Bucciarati groaned.

“Where the hell is Fugo and Narancia!?” Bruno hissed.

“I think they went to go see a movie,” Giorno sighed.

“Well, that’s good. Now get the hell out of the house! I don’t want to see any of you for at least half of the day.”

And with those words Mista, Giorno and Abbacchio left the house. Bucciarati sighed then plopped down onto the couch.

I need a damn nap.

This week has been super stressful. Bruno closed his eyes and hoped to get at least an hour of sleep. And he did, that is until Fugo and Narancia came home.

The moment the front door opened Bucciarati could hear Fugo hissing. “Narancia! What the hell!?”

“No one’s home! So we can do what we want!”

Bucciarati growled then sat up. “What the hell are you two up to!?”

Narancia yelped and Fugo just sighed. They both walked into the living room and looked at Bucciarati.

“Why are you two home? I thought you were at the movies!”

“Narancia got us kicked out,” Fugo said.

Bucciarati sighed. “How did he get you two kicked out?”

Fugo started to blush then puffed out his cheeks. “He was being an asshole!” Fugo hissed quickly looking away.

Bucciarati looked at them then laid back. He didn’t want to know what happened, and he would prefer to never know what happened.

“You two go up stairs and be quiet, I’m trying to take a nap,” Bruno said.

“Okay Bucciarati,” Fugo said dragging Narancia up stairs.

Bucciarati closed his eyes and prayed for sleep.

Maybe I can finally get a few hours of sleep.


When Bucciarati woke up he smiled to himself. There was no noise in the house. It was actually quiet for once.

He stood from the couch and yawned. Bruno then walked up stairs to go lay down in Abbacchio’s room.

I’ve been so mean to Abbacchio lately, maybe I can give him a little treat when he comes home~

Bucciarati took off his shirt then fell onto Abbacchio’s bed. As he was waiting for the other man to get home he could hear someone groaning.

Who the hell is groaning? Is that Fugo?

Bruno stood up and walked over to the wall. He then put his ear to it so he could listen to what was going on.

“N-Narancia. . .” Fugo whined. “I told you that I’m-”

Fugo stopped talking and now Bucciarati was confused. He wanted to know what the fuck was going on. So he decided to put a zipper on the wall and popped his head into the room.

Why the hell is this man so stupid?

Insert surprised Pikachu face with Bruno hair right here because he was now witnessing Fugo and Narancia having sex. And they weren’t aware that Bucciarati was there.

“Narancia!” Fugo moaned. “S-Stop teasing me and just move already!”

Narancia just chuckled and continued to tease Fugo. “I’m sorry? What did you say?”

Bucciarati was in shock because of what he was looking at. Fugo was tied up while Narancia had him pinned down. Bruno didn’t wanted to see this.

Fugo continued to whine. “Please! Please just fuck me!”

Bruno also didn’t want to hear that.

He backed away into Abbacchio’s room and zipped the wall back up. Bruno then crawled into Abbacchio’s bed and curled up under the covers. He was scared.

A few hours went by and Bucciarati could hear Abbacchio walk into the room.


Abbacchio lifted the covers and just looked at Bruno. He smirked when he saw he was shirtless.

“Am I finally going to get some?” Leone chuckled as he laid next to Bruno.

“No. You have a left hand. Now I’m going to bed.”

Bucciarati wrapped his arms around Abbacchio and closed his eyes. After seeing that Fugo and Narancia are into some kinky ass shit he is done.

Chapter Text

Squalo was awoken by the sound of skin hitting skin.

He groaned then turned onto his side to look at Tiziano. His lover was fast asleep and was most likely not going to wake up due to his ear plugs.

The one time that they agreed to stay at Cioccolata and Secco’s place just happened to be the night those two decided to have sex.

“Cioccolata!” Secco whined.

Squalo put his hands over his ears and prayed that they would stop. But if they were to stop now there wouldn’t be a story to tell, now would there?

“You’re being such a good boy, Secco~” Cioccolata purred.

Squalo looked up at the ceiling and went blank. He didn’t want to hear this shit!

For about twenty minutes Squalo tried his best to ignore what he was hearing. However, that shit is kinda hard when those two are being loud. I’m not even joking, it sounds like those two are in the room with Tiziano and Squalo. Squalo envied his lover since he didn’t have to hear any of this. The moaning was starting to kill him a bit.


Stay at Cioccolata’s place, he says. It will be fine, he says. FUCK YOU BOSS!!! STAYING WITH THOSE TWO FREAKS WAS A DAMN MISTAKE!!!

Squalo got out of bed and walked out of the room. He then went to Cioccolata’s room and knocked on the door. After a few minutes Cioccolata opened the door.

. . .JESUS CHIRST!! WHAT THE FUCK?!? HE DIDN’T HAVE THE DAMN DECENCY TO PUT SOME DAMN CLOTHES ON!?!?! OH GOD THE CARPET MATCHES THE DRAPES!!! HOLY SHIT!!! NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THAT!!! . . .Sorry for that breakdown. . . I’m just the damn narrator, I get paid to talk about the suffering of others. I think I should probably look for another job. . . Anyway, back to the story.

“Hello Squalo, do you need something?” Cioccolata asked with his usual creepy smile.

A shiver went down Squalo’s spine. Somehow Cioccolata looked creepier with his makeup all messed up.

“Yeah. . . Could you and Secco keep it down? You guys are fucking loud.”

Cioccolata chuckled then looked Squalo up and down.


“Is that all you came here for, or do you want something else?” Cioccolata purred.

Squalo’s brain went blank when Cioccolata said that. He’s was done. He was never going to stay at Cioccolata’s place ever again.

Squalo coughed. “I-I’m good Cioccolata. . .”

“Are you sure?~”

“Yeah! I’m sure!” Squalo hissed while running away.

When he got back to his room he locked the door. He then crawled into bed and wrapped his arms around Tiziano.

“S-Squalo?. . . What time is it?” Tiziano asked taking out his ear plugs.

Squalo forced him to put them back in and sighed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you. . . Go back to sleep. . .”

“. . .What the hell is going on?” Squalo shook his head then laid back and tried to go back to sleep.

Let’s just say he never stayed at Cioccolata’s place ever again.

Chapter Text

“Bucciarati!” Mista hissed walking into the kitchen.

When he walked into the kitchen saw that Abbacchio had Bucciarati pinned down onto the counter.

“. . .We make food there. . .” Mista said quietly.

Bucciarati quickly pushed Abbacchio away from him and looked at Mista.

Bucciarati hissed. “Mista! What the hell are you doing home!?” 

“. . .I’ve been home for a few hours. . . Why are you two fucking on the kitchen counter?”

“. . . Don’t ask questions,” Abbacchio said. “Now what the fuck do you want?”

“Where are Narancia and Fugo?” Mista asked.

“They should be up stairs, I think,” Bucciarati sighed. “Why do you need them?”

Mista broke into a cold sweat. “. . .Do you want me to tell the truth or a lie?”

“Do you want me to get my tongue?”

Mista quickly ran away and Bucciarati just sighed. Since Mista running up the stairs isn’t that interesting let’s just listen in on what Abbacchio and Bucciarait are talking about.

“I wonder what they did to him?” Abbacchio said.

“It’s his problem, not ours. Now fuck me until I can’t walk!”

. . .Nevermind, let’s go back to the Luckiest Unluckiest Man in all of Italy.

As Mista ran up the stairs he was already thinking about how he was going to get back at Narancia and Fugo for what they did.

If you’re wondering what Narancia and Fugo did to Mista, here’s a brief summary of what happened. So about a week ago Narancia and Fugo took Mista’s phone. They were pretending to be Mista and told Giorno a fantasy of Mista’s (it was a lie). And now Mista’s ass hurts (thanks to Giorno).

If those assholes wanna play dirty, so can I!

Mista pulled out his phone and grinned as he quietly snuck into Narancia’s room. He then hid in the closet and waited for the two lovers to come in.

When he heard the door open he hit record on his phone.

“F-Fugo!” Narancia hissed.

“What’s wrong my love?~” Fugo purred. “Don’t be shy~”

Mista put his hand over his mouth to keep himself from laughing. He couldn’t wait to send this to Bucciarati and Abbacchio.

“Ahh~” Narancia moaned.

“You like that, huh?” Fugo purred.

Mista was dying because of how funny he found this. Trying not to laugh out loud was so fucking hard for him.

“Fugo! W-Why did you stop!?” Narancia whined.

“Beg for it.”

Mista bit onto his hand to keep himself from laughing out loud. This was killing him, in a good way. 

However, this is just killing me. I don’t think it could get any worse.

“Please! Please fuck me daddy!”

. . .Nevermind. I was wrong this got worse. . .

Once Mista heard that he couldn’t stop himself from busting out laughing. He never thought those two were into something like that. 

Fugo opened the closet door and growled. “. . .GUIDO MISTA! I”M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!”

Mista quickly ran out of the closet and out of Narancia’s room. However, he wasn’t fast enough to get away from Fugo. When Mista at the top of the stairs Fugo tripped him and he fell down the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs Fugo wrapped his hands around Mista’s throat and started trying to kill him.

As all of this was going on Giorno was just sitting there watching them, while eating a salad.

“G-Giorno! H-Help me!” Mista hissed.

Giorno put a tomato in his mouth. “I’m help right after I’m done with my salad.”

Jeez. . . Giorno is so damn mean. . . Your lover is being strangled by a boy with anger issues. Help him.

As Mista and Fugo continued to fight Abbacchio and Bucciarati ran out of the kitchen to break up the fight.

“Stop fighting!” Abbacchio yelled while dragging Fugo to the other side of the room. “Giorno! Why the fuck didn’t you stop them from fighting!?”

“I’m eating,” Giorno said.

While Abbacchio went off on Giorno Bucciarati helped Mista up and asked him what happened.


“Why the hell were you in Narancia’s closet!?!?”

“I was recording what you two were doing as fucking revenge for the other day!”

“Why you son of a bitch!” Fugo growled as he tried to jump on Mista.

Abbacchio wrapped his arms around Fugo to stop him from killing Mista.

“Mista! I don’t care what he did the other day, you shouldn’t have been in his closet recording him and Narancia!” Bucciarati sighed. “What did he even do to you?”

“He and Narancia stole my phone and texted Giorno! Now my fucking ass hurts!”

“Serves you right asshole!” Fugo hissed.

Poor Bucciarati. He just wanted to fuck Abbacchio into a counter in peace.

“That’s it! All of you out of the house! Now!” Bucciarati hissed. “I’m done with all of your shit!”

Everyone looked at Bucciarati and went up stairs completely ignoring what Bucciarati said.

“Sometimes I wonder why I brought those boys in. . .” Bruno mumbled.

“Because being a mother is like crack to you,” Abbacchio sighed.

“I know, but you don’t have to say it out loud. I don’t want them knowing that.”

While Bruno and Leone continued to talk Fugo and Mista continued trying to kill each other up stairs. And Giorno just watched while eating his damn salad.

Chapter Text

For the first time in months Risotto had a day off. No killing, no paperwork. Nothing. He was just sitting in his office, reading a book.

Or that’s what he wants to do, but Melone and Ghiaccio are stopping from doing so. They are having sex in the room over and they are loud. Risotto just wanted some peace and quiet.


Risotto stared at his the same page for about thirty minutes before he just gave up on reading. He couldn’t concentrate with all this noise.

“Di molto!~” Melone sighed. “You take my cock so well!”

Ghiaccio growled. “S-Shut up!” 

Risotto pulled out his phone and sighed. He started texting Bucciarati.


Hey Bucciarati. . . How the fuck do you deal with your men being loud during sex?

I don’t.

How loud are your men being anyway?


Holy shit. Are you going to stop them?

Fuck that. I’ll just sit here and-


Before Risotto could finish that text he realized that Melone and Ghiaccio stopped moaning abruptly. Then all of a sudden Risotto could hear screaming.

He sighed then got up and walked to Ghiaccio and Melone’s room. When he opened the door, he saw that Melone was curled up in a ball on the floor.

“What the hell is going on in here?” Risotto asked.


Well then. . . That is very unfortunate. . . Oh, who am I kidding? That shit is fucking funny. 

Don’t look at me like that. I’m not the only person laughing at this shit. I'm a sick fuck just like the rest of y'all.

Anyway, Risotto just stood there looking at Ghiaccio and Melone. Sometimes he wishes he never met these two.

“Ghiaccio you can’t just freeze Melone’s dick.”

“I didn’t mean to freeze his dick!”

Melone and Ghiaccio started to argue and Risotto just walked away. He’s had enough.

He’s just going to go crash at Bucciarati place for a few hours because this is fucking ridiculous.

Chapter Text

“I quit.”

“What!? Why are you quitting!?”

“I’m quitting because I can’t take this anymore! You are asking me to fucking narrator over people’s suffering! I’m seriously at my damn limit after hearing about what I have to narrator over now!”

“Look! I know it’s bad, but you don’t have to be a fucking pussy about it!”

“Fuck you! I’m not narrating this shit! It doesn’t matter how much you pay me! I’m. Not. Doing. It.”

“Do it, or else!”


“I’ll send out that picture of you at last year’s Christmas party.”

“. . .”

Okay. . . So my boss just fucking blackmailed me with an embarrassing photo so let’s get on with this. . . 

Squalo looked down at his phone nervously. He didn’t like being left alone with Doppio. Something about him just creeped Squalo out (he secretly would rather be neither Cioccolata sometimes when he’s left with Doppio, though he’ll never say it out loud).

“. . .So, Doppio?”

“What is it Squalo?”

“When’s the boss going to get back?”

Doppio shrugged and Squalo sighed. He wanted the boss to come back so he could just leave. And as if the gods were actually listening, the boss walked through the front doors.

“Boss!” Doppio said running over to him.

Doppio hugged Diavolo. Squalo was now a bit uncomfortable. It scared him to hell and back how close Doppio could actually get to the boss.

“Thank you for watching Doppio,” Diavolo thanked Squalo.

“No problem, Boss.”

Squalo stood up and was ready to leave, but the boss said otherwise.

“Squalo, sit down,” Diavolo said. 

Squalo quickly sat back down and started to sweat.

Oh shit! What does the boss want!?

“Squalo, since you’ve been such a loyal companion I’ve decided to give you a reward.”

“. . .Really?”
“Yes,” Diavolo smirked. 

. . .Why is he smirking like that?

Diavolo grabbed Squalo’s chin and made him look up. He then licked his lips.

“You see, Doppio and I decided it would be nice if you would join us in our bedroom~”

Oh fuck. The boss is horny. 

Squalo has no clue why everyone he works with wants him to join them in bed. Like, he’s really fucking confused. Why they didn’t ask Tiziano to join them was beyond him.

“B-Boss. . . I-”

“Squalo! I’m here!” Tiziano hissed while kicking the door open.

Diavolo backed away from Squalo and looked over at Doppio. Doppio and Diavolo just quickly walked up stairs and left the lovers alone.

“. . .What’s wrong with them?” Tiziano asked.

Squalo didn’t say anything and just hugged Tiziano. Tiziano laughed and started playing with Squalo’s hair.

“Did they scare you?” 

Squalo nodded and Tiziano just continued to laugh. 

“Come on Squalo, let’s go-”


Tiziano and Squalo both fell silent and looked at each other. The boss and Doppio were having sex. . .

“. . .Jesus, they are loud. . .” Tiziano sighed. “I thought that we were loud.”

“You like it like that you slut?” Diavolo growled. 

Doppio groaned. “Y-Yes!”

“They aren’t as loud as Cioccolata and Secco. . .” Squalo said quietly.

“I-I’m your fuck toy, B-Boss!” Doppio moaned. “P-Please let me cum!”

“I want to leave now!” Squalo hissed pushing Tiziano out the front door. “If they go at it again I think they might want us to join and I don’t want that!”

Squalo and Tiziano quickly ran out of the boss’ place. Squalo wanted no part in what the boss and Doppio were doing.

There Boss! Are you fucking happy that I narrated this!? Now burned that damn picture!

Chapter Text

The moment Giorno walked through the door he threw his jacket onto the couch and stretched. He’s had a long day and was fucking hungry.

Giorno sighed then walked into the kitchen. 

Boy, does he regret doing that.

When he walked into the kitchen he saw that Bucciarati was fucking Abbacchio into the counter. This, for some reason, does not faze Giorno in the slightest.

“Bruno! H-Harder!”

“You’re such a fucking slut Leone,” Bucciarati purred.

Giorno just sighed then walked over to the fridge. He then grabbed the lettuce and a tomato. 

When Giorno walked over to the sink Bucciarati and Abbacchio finally took notice of him.

“Giorno! What the fuck!?” Abbacchio hissed. 

“Don’t mind me,” Giorno sighed. “I just wanted some food.”

Abbacchio growled. “. . .G-Get the hell out of the kitchen Giorno!” 

Bucciarati sighed and just looked at Giorno.

“Why the hell aren’t you fazed by this?” Bruno asked.

“Have you two ever walked in on Narancia and Fugo?”

Bucciarati and Abbacchio looked at each other then back to Giorno. 

“. . .No. . . What the hell do they do?” Abbacchio asked.

“I don’t want to talk about it. The only thing that I will tell you is that I had to bleach my eyes and my bed.”

Giorno washed off the lettuce then grabbed a chopping board and a knife. He then started to cut of the tomato.

“You two can keep going, just ignore me.”

. . .I don’t know if I should be more freaked out by the fact that Giorno is not fazed by this, or the fact that Bucciarati and Abbacchio actually went back to fucking. . . Do they have no shame?

As those two continued to fuck Giorno put the lettuce and cut up tomato into a bowl then poured some vinegar onto it. After he grabbed a fork he walked out of the kitchen and started to eat his salad.

While he was eating his salad Mista came rolling down the stairs and Fugo was trying to kill him

“G-Giorno! H-Help me!” Mista hissed.

Giorno put a tomato in his mouth. “I’ll help right after I’m done with my salad.”

Giorno knew that Fugo was going to kill Mista, but he didn’t fucking care. Though he probably should since that is his lover that is getting killed.

Abbacchio and Bucciarati quickly ran out of the kitchen to break up the fight that Giorno should have stopped. 

“Stop fighting!” Abbacchio yelled while dragging Fugo to the other side of the room. “Giorno! Why the fuck didn’t you stop them from fighting!?”

“I’m eating,” Giorno said.

Abbacchio went off on Giorno for not breaking up the fight. Giorno seriously did not care. This was not his problem. As Abbacchio was still going off on Giorno Mista yelled.


Fugo growled. “Why the hell were you in Narancia’s closet!?!?”

“I was recording what you two were doing as fucking revenge for the other day!”

“Why you son of a bitch!” Fugo growled as he tried to jump on Mista.

Abbacchio wrapped his arms around Fugo to stop him from killing Mista.

“Mista! I don’t care what he did the other day, you shouldn’t have been in his closet recording him and Narancia!” Bucciarati sighed. “What did he even do to you?”

“He and Narancia stole my phone and texted Giorno! Now my fucking ass hurts!”

“Serves you right asshole!” Fugo hissed.

Giorno just sat there and looked at the others. . . What the fuck is going on anymore? How has no one in this house died yet?

“That’s it! All of you out of the house! Now!” Bucciarati hissed. “I’m done with all of your shit!”

Everyone looked at Bucciarati and went up stairs completely ignoring what Bucciarati said.

After they all went up stairs Mista and Fugo continued trying to kill each other. As that was going on Narancia went up to Giorno.

“GioGio. . . Is Fugo going to kill Mista?. . .” Narancia asked.

“I have no clue, and honestly I don’t care.”

Giorno and Narancia continued to walk the two try to kill each other. As they were doing that Giorno ate his damn salad.

Chapter Text

Diavolo sat in his chair and sighed. He’s had a long fucking day and just wanted to sleep. And since he is the boss, he can do what he wants.

. . .Lucky bitch. . .

I think I’m just going to take a nap right here. . . No one better come into my damn office, or I’m going to kill them. . .

Diavolo closed his eyes. As he started to drift off to sleep he could hear what sounded like groaning. He brushed it off and fell asleep. . . For like five minutes. . .


Diavolo’s eyes shot opened and he looked around. To him that sounded like Squalo was right in the room with him. He sighed then got up and walked to Tiziano and Squalo’s room.

Diavolo then put his ear to their door, and listened. . . Okay, why the fuck are all these men so damn stupid? If you hear your friend moaning you walk the other way and pretend you didn’t hear it.

“What’s wrong Squalo?~” Tiziano purred. “Do you have something smart to say?”

Squalo just moaned as Tiziano chuckled. The boss just continued to listen to what was going on. Why he would is beyond me. . .

“T-Tiziano,” Squalo whimpered. “I-Is my punishment. . .O-Over yet?”

Tiziano laughed. “After what you did at the meeting? I don’t think so~”

Squalo continued to whine like a bitch. Diavolo just sighed then opened the door. . .


“Tiziano, what the hell are you doing to Squalo?” Diavolo asked.

Tiziano and Squalo quickly looked over at Diavolo. Tiziano quickly threw a blanket over Squalo and stood up from their bed.

“B-Boss! W-What do you need?” Tiziano stuttered.

Diavolo just looked down at Tiziano and sighed.

“Why the fuck is Squalo tied and have a vibrator up his ass?”

Tiziano’s face started to burn from embarrassment. He didn’t want to explain any of this to the boss, so he answered that question with another question.

“. . .W-Why are you in our room? You may be our boss, but this is our free time. . .”

Diavolo just looked at him with a blank stare. He doesn’t even remember why he was in here.

“. . .I’ll just leave you two to what you are doing. . .” Diavolo said walking away.

He went back to his office and laid face first on the floor. 

Diavolo was done and so am I.

Chapter Text

Bucciarati laid shirtless in bed with his face buried in a pillow. His sanity was slowly draining away (kind of like mine). After all of the shit he has witnessed I’m surprised that he hasn’t completely given up on life.

Poor Bucciarati. He doesn’t deserve to suffer the way he has. But if he doesn’t suffer I’m out of a job.

So let the torture begin.

“Bucciarati, are you okay?” Abbacchio asked sitting down next to him.

Bucciarati made a sound that I can only describe as pain. Abbacchio just sighed then ran his fingers through Bruno’s hair.

“Are you still fucked up from walking in on Fugo and Narancia?”

“. . .Yes. . .” Bucciarati mumbled. “And because I also walked in on Mista and Giorno. . . I always thought Mista was on top, but god is he a pussy. . .”

Abbacchio chuckled and undid Bruno’s braid. Bucciarati knew where this was going to go. It would start with Leone undoing his braid, then taking off his clothes, and then he would get fucked into the bed. But, Bruno was not in the mood. All he wanted to do was relax.

“Leone. . . Not now. . . I’m not in the mood.”

“Please?” Abbacchio purred.

“You have a left hand, use it.”

Bucciarati didn’t think about what he said, before it was too late. Honestly, he should have known that Abbacchio was going to do what he said. 

Abbacchio was jacking off right in front of him.


“You told me to use my left hand,” Abbacchio smirked. “I’m just listening to orders~”

Damn. . . That’s a dick move. Literally.

Bucciarati tried to quickly get out of bed and run out of the room, but Moody Blues appeared and held him down. 

“Leone! Call back your stand!”

Abbacchio ignored Bucciarati and nuzzled his face in the bend of Bruno’s neck. He started moaning quietly and Bruno sat there in shock. 

He was trying to find a way out of this situation. However, he can’t get out of this situation, because he’s a dumb bitch.

“B-Bruno,” Abbacchio moaned. “I-I’m close.”

Bucciarati started hissing and tried getting out of Moody Blues’ grip. “Don’t you fucking dare cum on me Leone!”

“You know you want me to Bruno,” Abbacchio chuckled. “I know deep down you are a dirty slut.”

Bucciarati’s face started to burn when Abbacchio said that. He was right, but he didn’t have to say that out loud. Bruno continued trying to get out of Moody Blues’ grip while also trying to push Abbacchio away. But his efforts were futile.

Abbacchio came onto Bucciarati’s chest.

Jeez, Abbacchio is a dick. . .

“. . .WHY!?!” Bruno hissed.

Abbacchio laughed then kissed Bucciarati. He then cleaned himself up and left the room. As he was leaving, he looked back at Bruno and smirked.

“If you are in the mood now come join me in the shower~”

Abbacchio walked away and Bucciarati just laid in bed. He can’t believe that Abbacchio just did that. He wanted to kill that man, but that thought was put aside when he realized he had a bit of a “problem” to take care of.

Bruno would never say it out loud, but he actually just enjoyed what just happened. 

Oh shit. . . Abbacchio and Bucciarati are both sick fucks. . .

Chapter Text

Lisa Lisa sipped her glass of wine as she read her novel. She just wanted to be left alone, and not be bothered by anything. However, like I’ve said before, if that were to happen I would be out of a job.

As she was reading her book she could hear what Joseph and Caesar were doing in the other room.

“Shut the hell up Jojo! You’re fucking loud!” Caesar growled.

“I’m the one who’s loud?” Joseph snapped back.

Lisa Lisa smiled slightly to herself as she realized what was going on. She wasn’t going to say or do anything about it. She was going to let them be as gay as they want.

So for the next hour or so Lisa Lisa just ignored their moaning. This woman is fucking amazing. Most of the men I have talked about so far were uncomfortable just hear their friends moan, but this woman is listening to her son and his gay lover moaning with a straight face. I commend this woman.

As those two were going at it in the other room Lisa Lisa continued to ignore it. Until Joseph said something that was concerning to Lisa Lisa.

“Fuck me like you mean it Caesar!” Joseph moaned.

Lisa Lisa calmly put down her book and glass of wine. She walked over to the other room and when she was standing right in front of the door she took off one of her chanclas. Lisa Lisa then kicked the door down and threw the chancla at Caesar and Joseph. It then flew right back to her. 

“L-Lisa Lisa what are you-”

“I didn’t raise no bitch Jojo,” Lisa Lisa said calmly as she interrupted Caesar. “I raised you to make someone your bitch. Now fuck Caesar until he can’t walk.”

Caesar and Joseph both just stared at Lisa Lisa in shock. They can’t believe she just said that.

“. . .Why would you come in here to tell us that?” Joseph asked quietly.

“Like I said, I didn’t raise no bitch.”

“Lisa Lisa. . . Who was on top when you were with Jojo’s dad?” Caesar.

“Me. How the fuck do you think Jojo was made? Now get back to fucking.”

Lisa Lisa left the room and the lovers just sat there in silence. They were scared and they have every right to be.

Chapter Text

Ghiaccio looked at Melone and sighed. As long as Ghiaccio has known Melone he believes this is the dumbest thing he has ever done. It was basically suicide what he did.

“Please explain how the fuck you ended up in the hospital at two in the fucking morning!”

“Well, you see. . .”

(Insert flashback right here)

“I bet you wouldn’t hide under Risotto’s bed while he and Prosciutto are having sex,” Formaggio grinned as he looked at Melone.

“Formaggio, don’t tell him that!” Illuso hissed. “You know he will actually do it!”

Illuso is right. Melone will actually do it and also find a way to make what he is doing ten times worse. The last time Formaggio bet Melone to do something they both ended up completely naked in an Ikea. . .

Don’t ask how that happened. I have no clue why it happened and I have no desire to know.

“Oh, I won’t just hide under their bed while they are having sex,” Melone grinned. “You know how when you are about to kill your opponent in Mortal Kombat and that guy says ‘Finish him’? Well I’m going to play a recording of that when-”

Illuso pulled Melone’s cheeks and hissed. “Melone! For the love of god, you are going to die if you do this! We both know that if one of them doesn’t kill you the other will!”

“Come on Formaggio! Let’s go do this!” Melone said completely ignoring Illuso.

He and Formaggio both went to Risotto and Prosciutto’s room and hide under the bed. . . They want to fucking die. I can’t believe they are doing this. Holy shit, what is wrong with them?

When they both heard the door open they had to put each others hand over their mouths. If they didn’t do that they would have been discovered. And killed.

“Who the hell pissed you off?” Risotto asked. 

Prosciutto growled. “It’s doesn’t fucking matter. Now take off your pants and lay down.”

Formaggio and Melone had to physically bite their tongues to keep themselves from laughing. The found Prosciutto being bossy amusing.

“P-Prosciutto! What the hell-”
“I decided I must ride you until a break you.”

. . .Why do I feel like he’s quoting something?. . .

Anyway, Formaggio and Melone stayed under that bed for quite a while. Prosciutto and Risotto have an ungodly amount of stamina.

“Ahh~” Prosciutto moaned. 

“You’re so damn tight,” Risotto grunted. 

Melone buried his face in Formaggio chest to keep himself from laughing. These two really do have a death wish.

“A-Ahh! I-I’m close Risotto!”

This is where all hell breaks loose. Melone played the recording of the narrator from Mortal Kombat saying “Finish him!” and he and Formaggio busted out laughing.

However, Risotto and Prosciutto weren’t amused at all. They were pissed.


Those two quickly ran out of the room and for the front door. . . They didn’t make it far. . .

Both of them fell to the ground and were throwing up razors.

“I’ve had enough of your guys’ shit,” Risotto sighed. “You’re both getting punished.”

Formaggio and Melone both started to sweat after realizing they made a huge mistake.

“Which one do you want to kill?” Risotto asked.

Prosciutto grabbed Formaggio by his hair and started to drag him off. “This one. I feel like this was his idea.”

After Prosciutto dragged Formaggio off, Risotto looked down at Melone.

“Let’s get your punishment over with.”


“And that’s how I got here.”

“. . .WHAT THE FUCK!?!?” Ghiaccio hissed. “He made you throw up razors until you could barely breath! Was it fucking worth it!?”

“Yes. Yes it was.”

No. No it wasn’t. This motherfucker ended up in the hospital because of something stupid. Do you want to know what happened to Formaggio?

No one knows. After that day no one saw him for like a month. I don’t know if there is a moral to this story, but if there is one this might be it.


Chapter Text

At this point I have no clue how Bruno has not killed someone. He had to lay under Giorno’s bed and listen to him and Mista have sex. He zipped into Narancia’s room to see him holding down Fugo, while fucking him. And then finally he was cummed on by Abbacchio.

This man has suffered so much. At this point it’s not even funny. I feel so bad for him. But, not bad enough to stop telling others about his suffering. And the way he suffers this time is just fucking amazing. 

“I swear Risotto, I can’t deal with this anymore,” Bucciarati sighed.

“Bruno, I deal with eight other adult men,” Risotto said. “You only have to deal with teenagers and one adult. It can’t be that bad.”

“. . .Have you been listening to anything I just said?”

“Yes I have. They are all feral and horny, but that’s normal. At least you haven’t caught any of them fucking in the road.”

“. . .Which-”
“Sorbet and Gelato,” Risotto said interrupting Bruno. “I want you to know that I hit them with my car.”

Bruno just looked at Risotto then sighed. He doesn’t know how much more shit he can handle from his team. If he sees one more sexual act happening in that house he’s going to zip his eyeballs shut.

“Risotto, what’s the worst thing that has happened in your house because of your men?”

“Do you want the chronological list or alphabetical list?”

Bruno was in shock after hearing that. He didn’t think Risotto’s men could do anything that bad. 

“. . .I’m going to head home, Risotto,” Bucciarati said. “See you later.”

“Alright, call me if you need help with anything.”

As Bucciarati was walking home he thought that maybe for once nothing bad was going to happen. It was going to be a normal day. 

Fugo is going to stab Narancia with a fork, Abbacchio is going to be a bitch, Mista is going to be an idiot with a phobia, and Giorno is. . . Well, is going to be Giorno.

Bucciarati couldn’t help, but smile to himself. As much trouble as his team gives him sometimes, he can’t help, but love them.

However, that shit is about to fucking change once he sees what is going on in the living room.

The moment Bucciarati opened the front door he froze in shock. 

Bruno Bucciarati.exe has stopped working. He has no clue what he is looking at right now and he doesn’t want to know.

But deep down he knows what he is seeing. He’s seeing all of his men in one big fuck pile.

Yeah, you read that right. It’s a fucking orgy up in this house!

“Abbacchio!” Mista growled. “That fucking hurt! Don’t bite me right there!”

“You let Giorno bite you there all the damn time! Don’t become a pussy now!” Abbacchio snapped back.

Fugo sighed. “Giorno is always on top, he’s always been a pussy.”

“Can we just get back to fucking each other?” Narancia asked.

And they went back to fucking each other. . . Hot damn. It’s a sausage party.

Bucciarati couldn’t handle this. His poor, sweet soul could not handle it. The sound of all his men moaning and skin hitting skin just made him go blank.

He stood there for a good thirty minutes before the those horny fucks took notice of him.


They all quickly stopped what they were doing and just looked at Bruno.

Bruno looked so dead inside.

“B-Bucciarati! We can explain!” Fugo exclaimed.

“. . .Who’s idea was this?” Bruno asked.

They all pointed at Giorno and started to blame him.

“It was all Giorno’s idea!” Narancia hissed.

“We swear we never meant for this to happen!” Abbacchio said.

Bucciarati just stared at them. This was too much for him to handle. It was so overwhelming that he started to cry.

“Bucciarati! What’s wrong!?” Abbacchio asked.

Bucciarati started to speak, but everything he was saying was incoherent. The others just looked at each other and felt bad. They all knew it was their fault that he was crying.

“. . .Bruno what’s wrong?” Abbacchio asked again.

“W-Why the hell is it that every time I come home something weird is happening!?” Bucciarati sobbed into Abbacchio's chest. “You guys are starting to make me uncomfortable!”

“We’re so sorry Bucciarati. . .” Narancia said quietly.

Mista sighed. “Yeah. . . We’re really sorry. . .”

I feel so bad now that I think about it. . . I shouldn’t keep making this man suffer. . .

“Why don’t you join us Bucciarati?” Giorno asked.

Everyone looked at Giorno in shock.

. . . I don’t think I can handle this anymore. Neither can Bucciarati. . .

Bruno pulled out his phone and started texting Risotto.


Get your ass down to my house.


After about five minutes Risotto walked through the front door and made Bucciarati’s men throw up razors.

“What the hell is wrong with all of you freaks!?” Risotto hissed. “I thought something was wrong with my men!”

Risotto was just going off on Bucciarati’s men while Bucciarati was hugging him. You know this is probably the part I would say that Bruno is being a little bitch, but I don’t want Risotto coming after my ass. 

I actually like living. . .

“For fucks sake! If you guys are going to have an orgy take it to a place where no one is going to see you!”

“Who the hell do you think you are coming into our house and-”

Before Abbacchio could finish that thought he threw up more razors. The others just keep their mouths shut and their heads down as Risotto continued to yell.

“I have no fucking clue how you deal with this all the damn time Bruno!” Risotto growled. “Why do you stay here knowing shit like this is going to happen!?”

“The same reason you stay with your men,” Bruno sniffled. “They are still a family to me. . .”

Risotto sighed and patted Bruno’s head. “You’re a strange man Bruno Bucciarati.”

“. . .So you’re not mad at us Bucciarati?” Mista asked.

“Oh no, I’m fucking furious. I’m also scared and disgusted, but I still love you guys so I guess this is okay. . . Now go get cleaned up. You all are filthy.”

The others, expect for Abbacchio, went up stairs to clean up. Abbacchio look back and forth between Risotto and Bruno.

“. . .So are you fucking him?” Abbacchio asked.

“No. I’m not,” Bucciarati sighed. “After seeing his dick, I don’t want him near me when he’s naked.”

Abbacchio smirked. “Does he have a baby dick?”

Risotto looked at Bucciarati and he just sighed.

“Risotto, just show him your dick.”

Risotto smirked and did as he was told. . .


“Holy shit! How is that even possible?! You could kill someone with that thing!” Abbacchio hissed. “Have you tried to kill someone with that!?”
“No,” Risotto said. “Do you want-”
Abbacchio was gone before Risotto could finish his question. He laughed at how the other man ran away like a pussy.

Bruno smiled. “Thank you for putting my men in their place.”

“No problem, but now you owe me.”

“What is that I owe you?” Bruno asked.

“You’ll see.”

And with that Risotto left Bucciarati’s house. After that day everyone learned one thing from all this.

Don’t make Bruno cry, unless you want to deal with Risotto.

Now I’m done torturing this man. He deserves a damn break. I will go torture others now.

Chapter Text

As Abbacchio was walking home he couldn’t help but think about Bucciarati. After what had happened the other day he noticed that Bucciarati seemed distant. Abbacchio thought that he actually broke Bucciarati. . .

Oh boy! Was he fucking wrong!

Little did he fucking know that Bucciarati was better than okay. And that he is about to walk in on something he never thought was going to happen. 

The first thing Abbacchio heard when he opened the door was moaning.


Abbacchio sighed then walked into the living room, and he was met with something he never wanted to see.

Risotto was fucking Bucciarati on the couch.

“R-Risotto!” Bucciarati moaned loudly.

“Jeez, you’re a fucking slut Bucciarati,” Risotto said. “I can’t believe you want one of your friends to walk in while we are fucking on your couch.” 

Bucciarati said something that was just incoherent moaning. 

Abbacchio was in shock, but he didn’t know if he should have been more shocked about the fact that Bruno was getting fuck by Risotto. Or the fact that Bruno was somehow taking Risotto’s massive cock.

Welp, here is where Abbacchio just goes blank. He has no clue what the fuck is going on. This is just something his brain won’t let him think about. 

“. . . Risotto! Bruno!” Abbacchio finally hissed. “What the hell?”

Risotto looked over his shoulder at Abbacchio and smirked.

“What’s wrong Leone?~” he cooed.

“Why are you and Bruno fucking on the couch!?” 

“Revenge! Bitch!” Bucciarati laughed.

Bucciarati then went back to moaning as Risotto continued to fuck him.

“You are welcomed to join us, Leone~” Risotto purred.

Abbacchio immediately headed for the front door. However, before he could open the door he was smacked in the face with said door. 

“Bucciarati! Abbacchio! We’re home!” Mista yelled.
Mista, Giorno, Narancia and Fugo walked into the living room. They all stopped dead in their tracks when they saw Bucciarati and Risotto.

“Ahh! R-Right there!” Bucciarati groaned.

The others quickly headed for the front door and ran out of the house. Abbacchio followed them after getting out from behind the door. As they were walking they all started to talk about what they saw.

“Holy shit. . . I think I want to rip out my eyes,” Narancia said quietly.

“Why fuck there of all places?” Fugo hissed.

“I can’t believe he’s able to take all 25 centimeters of Risotto dick,” Mista said.

The others looked at him a bit confused. They didn’t want to know why he knew that Risotto’s dick was exactly 25 centimeters (that’s ten inches for anyone who wants to know).

“He said it was supposed to be revenge. . .” Abbacchio sighed. “I’m assuming it’s because what happened the other day. . .”

Giorno sighed. “. . .Mista, may I ask why you know that Risotto’s dick is 25 centimeters?”

Mista’s had a blank look on his face then started to run. None of them decided they wanted to go after him.

Hmm. . . Them talking about this is kind of boring. Let’s go back to Risotto and Bruno.

“That was amazing,” Bruno purred while curling up to Risotto. “We should do that again some time~”

Risotto wrapped his arms around Bucciarati and hummed. He didn’t want to say it out loud, but he loved scaring the shit out of Bruno’s men.

I don’t understand what is going on anymore. Why the hell would you want to scar other people? How petty do you have to be to get revenge like this?

I don’t think I can handle this anymore. I’m going to go lay in a corner and cry until my boss gives me the next thing I’m supposed to read over.

Chapter Text

May I request Carne and Cioccolata fucking. . .

Holy shit. . . I don’t think I can fucking handle this.

No. Just no.

I thought I was a feral child, but damn. I don’t even know how to start something like this. I don’t want to put this is words. 

My answer to this request is no. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this. . .

“Dude! You can’t just tell them no!”

“Why not? I really can’t handle something like this. . .”

“Just give them what they want! So what is you die inside?”

“. . . I don’t know if I can do this. . .”

“Just listen to me! There is something you can do! You don’t even have to write out anything about them having sex.”

“Then what the hell am I supposed to do?”

“. . . Bring Diavolo in. . .”

. . . I have no sanity left. This is where I hit rock bottom.

“Hey Cioccolata where the hell is Carne?” Diavolo asked.

“He wasn’t revived like the rest of us were.”

“Oh. Well I’ll just go one with my day then.”

And Diavolo and Cioccolata when on with their day.

I’m sorry that this was shit, but I can only deal with so much. 

Chapter Text

Fugo sighed as he walked through the mansion. He somehow ended up lost looking for Giorno’s office. All he wanted to do was give Giorno some paperwork.

That isn’t going to happen. The moment Fugo does find Giorno’s office, he is going to fucking regret it.

“Hey Giorno I’ve got-”
When Fugo walked into Giorno’s office he saw that Mista was doing something to the expensive leather couch. (The title of this chapter)

The worst part about this was that Giorno was talking to Mista and didn’t even know Mista was violating the couch.

I honestly don’t know how he wouldn’t notice something like that. I’m pretty sure someone fucking a couch it very noticeable. 

“Oh, hi Fugo,” Giorno smiled. “Do you have those reports for me?”

Fugo went blank. He didn’t know what to do about what was going on. 

Should I tell Giorno that Mista is fucking the couch? Does he know that he is fucking the couch? Why the hell is Mista even doing that now that I think about it? What the hell is wrong with him? I don’t get paid enough to walk in on stuff like this. . .

“I- Uh- Yeah. . .” Fugo said quietly.

“Are you okay Fugo?” Giorno asked. “You seem really pale.”

“I-I’m fine. . .” Fugo said walking over to Giorno’s desk.

He put the stack of papers down then turned around. Fugo looked at Mista to see that he had a straight face.

How can he just sit there with a straight face. . . WHILE FUCKING THE COUCH!?!?!

Fugo started to walk away and when he got to the door he could help himself from blurting out what he was thinking.

“Giorno you know that Mista is fucking the couch, right?”

There is no way that he knew.

“Of course I do.”

Nevermind. . . I just lost a bet. . .

Fugo quietly ran out of the room and refused to look back. 

While Fugo was running back to his room Mista and Giorno started to talk.

“You knew this whole time!?” Mista hissed. “Why didn’t you say anything!?”
“I find it amusing,” Giorno smirked. “Now, why don’t you cum for me?~”

. . . Welp, now it’s time to torture Mista. I’m going to go hire a guy to sneak into his house tonight to tattoo the number 4 on his chest.

I’ve suffered enough, it’s time for these bitches to suffer as well.

Chapter Text

“I just don’t understand what you are trying to make me narrate this time. . .”

“I actually have no clue myself, but don’t worry. They are going to love this!”

“Why do I have a bad feeling about this?”

“Don’t worry! Nothing bad is going to happen!”

Okay, my boss just told me to narrate this and I don’t know how to feel about it. 

So, does everyone remember how Doppio and Diavolo are just two souls in one body?. . . Yeah, I know that you are about to say “In previous chapters they were two seperate people, so why does that matter?” Just hear me out. . .

Let’s just say this is in a completely different timeline from the shit that goes on in this inconsistent timeline. 

Dream demons shouldn’t have to deal with shit like this. . .


This poor dream demon is witnessing Doppio and Diavolo have sex in Doppio’s (Diavolo’s???) dreams.

How the fuck does this ever work? Like. . . do they both have an orgasm at the same time? I’m so confused. . .

“My sweet little Doppio~” Diavolo purred. “You take my cock so well.”

“B-Boss!” Doppio moan loudly.

Holy shit! How the fuck!? I don’t think I can handle this! I only came here to steal a soul, not watch some freaks fuck each in. . . who’s dream it this!?!?!?

Doppio and Diavolo continued to go at it for a while. And in dreams time seems to just freeze.

That poor dream demon. At one point they couldn’t take it anymore and just left the dream. . . But not before those two got done. . .

Well now it’s time for the No Nut November torture!

Doppio and Diavolo’s punishment will be. . . Waxing!

“‘Sup bitches!”

“W-What the hell!?!? Who are you!?”

“I’m the rule enforcer for No Nut November and you have failed! Now it’s time for your punishment bitch!!!”

“Doppio! Run! This bitch is crazy!!!”

“You’re damn fucking right I’m crazy! Now come over here so I can put these waxing strips on you!”

“H-Hey! Get the hell away- AHHH!!! FUCKING HELL!!”

“Ha ha! I got one! Now time for the other!”

Chapter Text

The moment Mista walked to Risotto's office Melone sighed.

“They’re at it again.”

“Not again!” Formaggio hissed. 

Melone looked over at Formaggio and put his hand on his chest. “Don’t get up. Just stay here and watch tv with me. You do remember what happened last time, right?”

Formaggio started to grumble as Melone held him down. They didn’t need a repeat of what happened last time Mista was over.

As Melone continued to hold Mista down, Ghiaccio walked into the living room.

“Is that noisy bitch over, again?” he hissed. “I’m sick and tired of listening to that bitch moaning!”

“Go give them a piece of your if you’re tired of listening to that bitch,” Formaggio said.

And with that Ghiaccio walked off to give them a piece of his mind. Formaggio just laughed knowing that Ghiaccio would actually take his words seriously. . .

But little did Formaggio know that Risotto and Mista were actually waiting for Ghiaccio to join them.

Formaggio really is a dumb bitch.

As he and Melone were waiting for Ghiaccio to go off on Risotto and Mista they heard something else instead.

“C-Capo!” Ghiaccio groaned.

Formaggio and Melone quickly got up and ran out the front door. They were fucking done.

We all know those what those three did. Now time for the fucking torture! 

Risotto, Mista and Ghiaccio’s punishment is. . . cock and ball torture!
“No! You can’t do that!”

“Why not?”

“Risotto Nero might like it!”

“. . .Oh shit. You right. . .”

Change of plans. . . Their punishment with be getting drugged and left outside completely naked.

“What the fuck is that going to do?”
“They will get really back sun burns.”

“. . .Let’s go do this.”

Chapter Text

This is not a new chapter in the inconstant timeline that I have down.

One of my friend's, who is not a Jojo fan, had a weird question and he wanted me to ask you guys this. . . I had nothing to do with this. I don't even know why he wanted me to type this out, and post it on the internet. But here I go, asking this stupid ass question ;-;

Can Giorno Giovanna turn water into cum?

. . . Please can y'all just give me your thoughts on this question? My friend just wants a damn answer 😥😥😥

Chapter Text

I like torturing Mista, okay? I don’t give a damn about what you say. He deserves to suffer. . . Why? Oh, well I don’t have an answer for that. (I would say it’s because he has a bigger ass than me, but that’s not the case)

I just like watching him suffer. (Plus torturing Bruno isn’t fun anymore once you start getting death threats from Risotto and Abbacchio. . . But that’s not relevant.)

Mista sighed as he looked over at Narancia. “Do you know where Giorno is?”

“I think he might be in his room,” Narancia said. “Why do you want to know?”

“I just want to. Is that a problem?”

“Nah man. You do you.”

Mista got up and walked up stairs. The only reason he wanted to know where Giorno was so he could talk to him. Mista noticed that GioGio had been acting a bit weird. He wanted to know what was wrong with his friend.

Little did he fucking know that Giorno was fine. And right now Giorno was doing something with Fugo that shouldn’t be happening. . . Mista you fucking idiot! Stop going up stairs! 

. . .And too late he just walked into Giorno’s room. . . Fuck. . .

Mista walked in on Fugo riding Giorno. . .

“GioGio!” Fugo whined.

Holy shit. Holy shit. Giorno is just fucking horny as hell. . . Like I swear every time he shows up he is fucking someone, or eating. . .

Poor Mista. He just wanted to talk to Giorno about something. . .

“Giorno. . . Panna. . .”

Fugo squeaked and started to blush madly.

“MISTA! GET THE HELL OUT!” Fugo hissed.

Fugo continued to hiss at Mista as he just stood there. He was in shock. He never wanted to see this. . .

To Mista’s surprise, Fugo started moaning and he realized why. Giorno started to jerk him off. . .

“G-Giorno!” Mista hissed. “What the fuck!? Can’t you wait?!”

Giorno just looked over at Mista and smirked. “Join us Guido~”


Mista quickly ran out of the room. As he was running he tripped and fell down the stairs.

“Mista! Why the hell are you running in the house!?” Abbacchio hissed.

Mista said something incoherent, got up and ran outside.

Abbacchio looked over at Bucciarati and he sighed.

“Why did you ever bring him in?”

“Because he has issues like the rest of us. . .” Buccciarati said.

. . .Welp. . . I feel bad for Fugo so I’m not going to let him get tortured. But I don’t feel bad for Giorno.

Giorno Giovanna’s punishment is. . . oh shit I can’t think of anything evil.

“How about we let one of those microorganisms stab him with a knife?”

“. . .You’re a fucking genius! Let’s go get one!”

And Giorno Giovanna was stabbed.

Chapter Text

“Josuke! Just go over to Rohan’s house and learn to get along with him!” Koichi hissed as he pushed the taller boy.

“Why the hell do I have to get alone with that dick!?” Josuked growled. “You know he doesn’t like me!”

“I don’t care! Now get in that house and get along with him!”

“Just listen to Koichi, Josuke,” Okuyasu sighed. “There is no point in arguing with him.”

“Why the hell should I listen to you guys!? Why should I have to get along with-”

“Higashikata Josuke! Since the day I met you and Kujo Jotaro I have almost died at least three times! I had to help you guys defeat countless stand users! I had to help you kill Hand Fetish David Bowie! And recently when I went to Italy, I met one of your relatives and he stole all my stuff! And then I almost died trying to help he defeat a stand! Next thing I know it’s a week later and he’s taken over the mafia! I don’t know why I said that last part, but my point is I have dealt with so much from you Joestars! The one thing you can do for me is to get along with Rohan!”

. . .Oh god. . . This is so cute! Koichi’s so cute when he’s mad! (I’m going to regret saying that later. . .)

Josuke and Okuyasu looked at Koichi in fear. They were fucking scared that he might do something if they didn’t listen to what he had to say.

“Josuke. . . Just go in there and get along with Rohan. We’ll be back in an hour to pick you up!” Okuyasu hissed.

Josuke quickly ran into Rohan’s house. Koichi sighed as he and Okuyasu started to walk away.

“Do you think that are going to be nice to each other?” Oku asked.

“To be honest, no. They are going to kill each other and that’s fine by me. If they kill each other Josuke won’t be a pain in my ass anymore and Rohan will stop showing up to my college (Who ever gets that reference, I salute you :3).


After an hour Oku and Koichi went back to Rohan’s house to pick up Josuke. And when they got there, they just walked straight in.

That was a mistake.

Because when they walked in they saw that Rohan and Josuke having sex.

“You’re not all big and bad when someone is fucking you into a couch~” Josuke purred.

“F-Fucking move already!” Rohan moaned.

Koichi and Okuyasu quickly ran out of Rohan’s house in a panic.

“Oh god what have I done!?” Koichi said. “I should have never left those two alone!

“I can’t believe Rohan has a dick.”

Koichi looked over at Okuyasu. “. . .What?”

“Can you believe that he has a dick? I always thought that Rohan had a vagina.”

“. . .Otamasu no. . .”

Chapter Text

“Avdol, shouldn’t we keep an eye on Jotaro and Kakyoin?” Polnareff asked.

“Why should we keep an eye on them? They are perfectly capable of keeping themselves safe.”

“. . .That’s not why I wanted to keep an eye on them. . .”

Polnareff then proceed to explain that he could sense sexual tension between Jotaro and Kakyoin.

“So you want to keep them away from each other because you are afraid they are going to fuck?” Avdol ask.

“Yeah. . .”
Avdol started to laugh. 

“O-Oi! Why are you laughing!?” Polnareff hissed.

“If you are so concerned about them then go check on them,” Avdol said.

“Okay! I will!” Polnareff huffed as he walked out of the room.

The moment Polnareff was in front of the door he walked right in.

. . .When has ever going to another person’s room ever been a good idea in this entire story? Like at this point, I believe some of these men have the IQ of a gnat. . .

“Kakyoin. Jotaro. Are you guys-”
Polnareff stopped dead in his tracks once he saw what was going on.

I bet y’all think that Jotaro is on top, don’t you? Well, you’re wrong. Kakyoin in the one on top and he’s using his stand in ways it shouldn’t be used. . .

“What’s wrong Jotaro?~” Kakyoin purred. “Cat got your tongue?~”
“I’m going to get you later for this Kakyoin!” Jotaro hissed. “Just fuck me already!”

Polnareff walked out of the room and when back to the one he was sharing with Avdol. The moment he walked in Avdol could tell that something was wrong with him.

“Jean, what’s wrong?”

“Why the hell would he use his stand like that?. . .” Polnareff asked himself. “What the fuck is wrong with those two?. . .”

Avdol thought about the question that Polnareff asked himself. It took him a few seconds to understand what he was talking about. Then he realized what he meant. . .

Avdol busted into laughter as he fell out of his chair. 

Chapter Text

“Dude! DUDE!”


“The author is pissed!”



“OH SHIT!!!”


Hi! This is the author! Don’t mind them! They are just a bunch of fucking pussies!

Anyway, I've come to make an announcement:


Dio Brando's a bitch ass motherfucker. He pissed on Guido fucking Mista. That's right, he took his vampire fucking dick out and he pissed on fucking Mista and he said his dick was "this big" and I said "that's disgusting".


So I'm making a callout post on my twitter dot com: Dio Brando, you got a small dick, it’s the size of this walnut except way smaller. And guess what? Here's what Melone’s dong looks like. That's right baby, all point, no quills, no pillows, look at that it looks like two balls and a bong.


He fucked Mista so guess what? Melone’s gonna fuck the Earth. That's right this is what you get, HIS SUPER LASER PISS. Except he not pissing on the Earth, he’s gonna go higher, HE’S PISSING ON THE MOON. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT OBAMA, MELONE PISSED ON THE MOON YOU IDIOT!


You have twenty-three hours before the piss drop-el-ets hit the fucking Earth, now get out of my fucking sight, before he piss on you too.


“. . .Oh god. . . I think she’s finally lost it. . .”

“Like. . . I know that you are the narrator and have your moments, but damn. . .”

“I think we should leave before she pulls a knife on someone. . .”

“Where the hell do you two think you are going!? Come back here!!”


Chapter Text

“Mr. Joestar, I really don’t think you should check up on Kakyoin and Jotaro,” Polnareff said in a panic. “They are fine.”

“I can’t trust your words if you are panicking like that. Plus Avdol is dying of laughter on the floor. I’m pretty sure there is a stand user nearby.”

Polnareff tried his best to stop Joseph from going to Jotaro and Kakyoin’s room. But his efforts were futile.

Joseph wanted to know if they were alright after walking in on Polnareff curled up in a ball, crying on the floor, and Avdol dying of laughter, on the floor.

However, Joseph did not realize why those two were even like that. That was because Polnareff walked in on Kakyoin misusing his stand. In a very bad way. . . 

Joseph walked out of the room to go check on Kakyoin and Jotaro. The moment he walked into the room he froze.

Kakyoin was fucking Jotaro with his stand.

“Kakyoin!~” Jotaro whined.

“. . .Jotaro you’re not a virgin after all!


Jotaro and Kakyoin quickly stopped doing what they were doing (each other) and looked at Joseph.

“GET THE HELL OUT OLD MAN!!!” Jotaro growled.

I’m so proud of you my boy!” Joseph grinned. “Kakyoin is a keeper! He seems like the person who will treat you right!

Jotaro and Kakyoin looked at that shitty old man in shock. They can’t believe he just said that. And out of a fit of rage Jotaro summoned Star Platinum. Star then punched Joseph.

The moral of this story is don’t be Joseph. 

Chapter Text

“Hey, did you hear?”

“. . .Hear what?”

“It’s Guido Mista’s birthday.”

“. . .Oh no. . . What the hell did the author do?”

“Who said she did anything?”

“Just the look on your face says she did something. . . Why do I feel like she found a way to make Mista suffer in more than one way?”

“Because she did. Here is what you have to narrate over.”

“. . . Oh my fucking god. . .”

“Yeah. I know it’s pretty fucked up.”

“Why? Why does she like torturing him? It doesn’t make sense. . .”

“Hey, don’t ask me that question. I’m just the editor. My job is to grammar check this shit before I give it to you.”

“. . .You’re not very good at your job. . .”

“. . . What the fuck did you just say to me?”


I just got fucking stabbed by my boss. . . I can’t believe I just got fucking stabbed, BY MY BOSS!!!

Anyway, let’s get this shit over with. . .

“Abbacchio, Bucciarati. Do you guys know where Mista is?” Fugo asked.

Bucciarati looked up from his book, over at Fugo, and smiled. “I think he is upstairs playing video games with Narancia and Giorno,” Bruno said.

“I see that you were nice enough to get him a present,” Abbacchio sighed.

“He is still my friend, no matter how stupid he is. . .” Fugo said quietly. “Well, I’m going to give him his present.”

Fugo walked away and Abbacchio and Bucciarati when back reading their books.

“Wait a minute. Giorno is playing video games with Narancia and Mista?” Abbacchio asked looking up from his book.

“I believe he might just be watching them. You know he doesn’t really like playing games.”

“. . . Did you see all three of them walk upstairs?” 

“. . .Yes. . .”

“Did Giorno have a bowl of food?”

“No. . . Leone, what’s-”
Abbacchio quickly jumped up from his seat and ran off. Bucciarati was confused about what just happened. 

What Bruno didn’t realize is that Abbacchio knew what the fuck was going on upstairs. Once he told Abbacchio that Giorno didn’t go upstairs with a bowl of food that meant only one thing.

Giorno Giovanna is one horny bitch when he doesn’t have food.

But, despite the fact that Abbacchio figured out what was happening, he didn’t get upstairs in time to stop Fugo from seeing what was going on. . .

Poor Fugo. He shouldn’t have to suffer like this. 

Imagine what you would do if you walked in on three of your friends in one big fuck pile. What would you do? Would you freak out? Or would you just sit there silently, waiting for them to acknowledge your presence?

“Narancia!” Mista hissed. “Don’t bite me there! That fucking hurt!”

“Maybe if you wouldn’t squirm so fucking much it wouldn’t hurt!” Narancia growled.

Giorno chuckled slightly as he kissed Mista’s neck. “Just lay back and relax Guido. We want to make sure you enjoy your present~”

The moment Mista started to moan Fugo dropped the present he was holding and walked out. Unlike everyone else in this entire damn story he actually didn’t want to know what was going to happen next.

As he was walking down stairs Abbacchio ran into him.

“Fugo! Are they-”

“Yes,” Fugo said with a blank expression. “Yes they are.”

Abbacchio quickly ran pass Fugo and started yelling at the others. Fugo went back to where Bucciarati was and hugged him.

“What’s wrong Pannacotta?” Bucciarati asked rubbing his back.

“Why is everyone in this house so damn horny?. . .” Fugo asked quietly.

That is went Bruno finally figured out what was going on. He jumped out of his chair (he ended up knocking Fugo over) and ran upstairs. When he got to the room he was looking for he started to yell.

“What the hell is going on!?” he hissed.

Mista and Narancia were looking down at the floor in shame as Abbacchio yelled at a very smug Giorno. Why the fuck is Giorno so horny? I mean, he’s not like his father but he’s could be. . .

Wait one second. Why am I’m talking about Giorno? This chapter isn’t even about Giorno.

“Narancia explain what happened and I’ll let you go,” Bucciarati sighed.

“Giorno talked me into have a three way with Mista!”

“And how did he do that?”

“He gave me food. . .”

Bucciarati stared at Narancia for a few second then pat his head. “Go clean up,” Bruno said.

Narancia ran off. After he was gone Bruno looked over at Mista.

“What do you have to say?” Bruno hissed.

“Hey! This isn’t my fault!” Mista exclaimed. “Giorno is one who started this!” 

“There is a little thing called self control,” Bucciarati said, unamused. “Have you heard of it Mista? Have you heard of self control?”

“Yes, I have,” Mista mumbled.

Bucciarati sighed. “Get the hell out of the house.”

“What!? Why!?”

“Because I don’t want you near Narancia or Giorno for the rest of the day! Now get out!”

Mista quickly put on his clothes and ran out of the house. He was afraid that if he stayed that he might die. So he’s going to spend the rest of his birthday alone. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

Wait. That’s not the end?. . . What do you mean there’s more?. . . Oh no. . .
“Hey gunslinger!”

Mista turned around to see Melone walking up to him. He sighed as he looked at the man.

“What do you want Melone?”

“I heard it was your birthday today so I wanted to give you a present~” Melone purred.

“. . . I’m not have sex with you. . .” Mista said, ready to fucking book it.

“Oh, no. No no no,” Melone sighed. “You aren’t going to have sex with me. I’m bringing you to Risotto so he can fuck you.”

. . .What kind of present is that?

“. . .No. I don’t want to be fucked senseless but a man who clearly doesn’t understand his own strength. . .”

“I was afraid you were going to say that,” Melone said. “Formaggio! Illuso! He’s not cooperating!”

“You’re not alone!?” Mista hissed as he turned around to look at the other two men.

“Little Feet!” Formaggio yelled out.

Next thing Mista knows is that he’s small and in a jar.

“Look how cute he is,” Melone exclaimed. “Okay, let’s get him back to the hideout!”

Mista started to panic. He didn’t know what the fuck was going to happen to him if he didn’t escape soon.


“No,” Illuso said.

They continued to bring Mista to their hideout as he yelled at them. Everything he yelled at them made them laugh. They would tell him that they have been called way worse than what he has said.

When they got to their hideout Mista began to freak the fuck out. All he could think about is whether or not something bad was going to happen to him.

“What the fuck is that!?”

Mista looked up to see a very angry Ghiaccio.

“It’s the gunslinger from Bucciarati’s team,” Melone smiled.

“You guys kidnapped Guido Mista!?”

“No,” Formaggio grinned. “I just turned him small and we put him in a jar against his will.”

“. . . THAT’S KIDNAPPING!!!” Ghiaccio yelled.

“So what?” Illuso sighed. “It’s not like we are going to do anything to him.”

“Yeah,” Melone added. “That’s our Capo’s job!”

Ghiaccio looked at all of them and sighed. “I going to the other room. You know why I’m going to the other room? It’s because if Risotto shows up he can’t blame for what has happened.”

Ghiaccio walked away to the other room. Wow. Somebody is making a smart decision.

After Ghiaccio walked away they set down the jar on the coffee table and waited for Risotto to show up. As they continued to wait Mista tried to figure out how the fuck he was going to get out.

Oh fucking god! I don’t want to be fuck by Risotto!

Mista looked around for a minute then realized something.

He has a fucking gun.

Mista quickly pulled out his gun and shot the glass.

“What the fuck!?” Formaggio hissed.

“Shit! He’s getting away!” Illuso yelled. “Melone! Grab him!”

Run Mista! Run as fast as your little legs can!

Before Mista could even find an exit Risotto walked in and picked him up. 

“Why the fuck is there broke glass on the floor and why is the gunslinger small?” Risotto asked. “Also where are Prosciutto, Pesic, Sorbet and Gelato at?”

“I think Prosicutto took Pesic to go fishing and Sorbet and Gelato are probably fucking like rabbits at their apartment,” Illuso answered.

“And he’s here because it’s his birthday so we thought you would want to give him his gift,” Melone smiled.

Risotto looked down at Mista and sighed. “So you kidnapped him just so I can give him his present?”


Mista started to squirm in Risotto’s grip. He wanted to go home. He was a scared little baby who wanted his mommy.

As he continued to squirm around his gun went off. He ended up shooting himself in the leg.

That fucking idiot.

“Did you just shoot yourself gunslinger?” Risotto asked.

Mista sighed. “Yes. . .”

“Formaggio, turn him back to regular size,” Risotto said flatly. “I don’t understand why this couldn’t have waited until later.”

Formaggio grumbled quietly as he turned Mista back to normal size. That’s went Mista booked it. He didn’t want to know what was going to happen if he stuck around. 

Okay, now that’s the end. . . What!? That’s not the end either!? What the fuck!? What else could possibly happen to this man!?

“Hey kid! You want some drugs?”

Mista looked over to see Diavolo wearing a trench coat. 

“. . . What the fuck? Are you okay?” he asked.

“Do you want some drugs?” Diavolo smirked. “You look like you need some.”

Mista’s brain went blank as he shot Diavolo in the leg. He didn’t have time to deal with. . . that.


Once it started to get dark Mista decided to limp home. He had shot himself at least 12 times already (don’t ask how, he’s like a bullet magnet). 

This has to be one of the worst birthdays I’ve ever had. . . I want to go home and just sleep. . .

When Mista walked into the house he didn’t realized that all of the lights were off. He sighed as he kicked his shoes off and walked into the living room.

All of a sudden the lights came on.


As everyone jumped out Mista, out of shock (and because he is a simple man who shoots first and asks questions later), pulled out his gun and shot someone. . . Oh sweet baby Jesus. . .

“Oh shit!” Mista hissed. “Why the hell did you all do that!?”

“We thought it would be a good idea to throw you a surprise party,” Narancia smiled.

Everyone else just smiled as Giorno, Melone and Tiziano walked out in playboy bunny outfits.

“. . .What the fuck is going on? How the hell did you guys have time to even plan this?” Guido asked as Giorno walked up to him.

“We’ve been planning this party for about three months,” Abbacchio smiled. “You don’t understand how much planning this actually took.”

“Those playboy bunny outfits weren’t fucking cheap,” Ghiaccio hissed. “I had to go to ten different stores before I could find someone who would agree to custom make the outfits for men.”

“. . . Okay, so I understand why Giorno is wearing the outfit, but not those two. . .”

“We just wanted to feel sexy,” Tiziano sighed. “Is something wrong with that?”

“No. . .” Mista said quietly. “So, how the fuck did you guys even accomplish all of this?. . .”

“I told Giorno and Narancia to fuck with you,” Abbacchio said. “Bruno didn’t exactly know about the plan, nor did Fugo. I made sure to keep the full plan from them until today.”

“After Bucciarati ran you out of the house I texted Melone to ‘kidnap you’ and Formaggio to shrink you,” Giorno smiled. “They were supposed to make it seem like something was going to happen to you. And they let you escape.”

“However, the one thing that wasn’t part of our plan was you shooting yourself, and Diavolo. . .” Narancia laughed nervously. “Sorry that he shot you. We told you trying to ‘seal him drugs’ wasn’t going to work. You should have just showed him what you really had.”

Diavolo groaned as he opened up his trench coat and a bunch of kittens jumped out. “You’re lucky these little fur balls make me happy and keep me calm. I should have fucking killed-”

“Boss! It’s his birthday! Don’t be mean!” Doppio hissed, slapping his hand over Diavolo’s mouth.

Mista looked around at everyone and smiled slightly.

“Oh shit! Who the fuck did I shoot!?” Mista exclaimed. 

“Don’t worry, you just shot both Cioccolata and Carne,” Risotto said. “I think Carne might be dead, but Cioccolata’s fine. I think the creep might have actually liked it.”

The others all started to laugh. Mista smiled softly as Giorno hugged him.

“Happy birthday Guido,” Giorno whispered. “You’ll have to wait until later for your present from me~”

Guido grinned as Giorno kissed him.

This just became one of the best birthdays I’ve ever had thanks to these fucking idiots. And I would never trade them for anything else in the world.

Chapter Text

I know that y'all are probably expecting a new chapter. I'm sorry that this isn't a new chapter in the insanity of what is this story. But I just wanted to say something to all of you.

This story started out as a joke between a few friends and me. When I posted the first chapter I didn't expect people to actually read it. I was going to delete this story until I realized that people were reading it. I honestly don't know how this story got to the point it is at. I love writing this story because of how it makes all of you laugh or just makes you all happy. Without you guys this story wouldn't be what it is.

Thank you all so much.

Merry Christmas!!!

(Or happy what ever day it is when you see this :3)

Chapter Text

I don’t get paid enough to talk about the suffering of others. And after this I think I want a fucking pay raise.

Bucciarati laid on the couch and stared at the ceiling. He was tired.

 If you are wondering why he is tired then read the four (number we shall not speak of) chapters that came before this. 

My point is that Bruno has had enough with all the sex that goes on in this house. Thankfully he was able to stop the others from having sex after the stunt he pulled with Risotto. (Truth is the others never stopped having sex. They were just more quiet and in private while fucking.)

I want to sleep. I just want to fucking sleep. Is that so hard to ask for?

Bruno closed his eyes.

“Bucciarati, I need your help!” Narancia said as ran down stairs.

Bruno sat up quickly and looked at Narancia. He didn’t want to know what the boy needed help with. No good comes from Narancia when he needs help with something.

“Narancia, what did you do?” Bucciarati groaned.

Narancia face turned a bright shade of red. Oh god. . . What the fuck could he have done?. . .

“Narancia. . . What did you do?”

Narancia quickly dragged Bucciarati off of the couch and upstairs. When we they both arrived to Narancia room Bucciarati took note of the fact that Fugo was laying in the bed. Bruno just knew that Fugo was naked, but thankfully he was covered with a blanket. 

“Okay. . . What the hell did you do?” Bruno asked.

Fugo grew beyond red in the face when Bruno asked that question.

“W-Well. . . Y-You see. . .” Narancia said quietly.

“Just fucking tell him!” Fugo hissed.

“. . . T-There’s a. . .” Narancia mumbled. He said the rest under his breath.

“Narancia,” Bucciarati sighed, putting his hands on Narancia’s shoulders. “What happened?”

“. . .T-There’s a dildo stuck up Panna’s ass. . .” Narancia said.

. . .What?

Bucciarati froze in place when he heard those words. He didn’t believe him. There is no fucking way Fugo has a dildo stuck up his ass.

“W-What?” Bruno said in shock.

“There is a fucking dildo stuck up my ass Bucciarati!” Fugo hissed. “Please help me get it out!”

“What am I supposed to do?!” Bucciarati asked. “Why don’t you go to the hospital?!”

“I’m not going to the fucking hospital!” Fugo growled. “I’m not going into public like this!”

“Then what do you two want me to do if you don’t want to go to the hospital to get it removed?!”

“You could use Sticky Fingers. . .” Narancia said.

Bruno looked over at Narancia. Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. I can’t believe he just said that. Bruno shouldn’t have to suffer like this. . .

Bucciarati sighed then summoned his stand. The moment he explained the situation to his stand Sticky freaked out. (I wouldn’t blame the poor thing. . .)

After about 30 or so minutes Bucciarati finally convinced Sticky Fingers to help. (If I were Sticky I would have told him to go fuck himself)

. . .I can’t describe what is going on. I’m pretty sure you get the idea of what Sticky Fingers is doing. (Poor Pannacotta. . .)


“So what’s the worse thing that happened in your house this week?” Risotto asked. 

“I-I don’t want to talk about it. . .” Bucciarati said quietly.

Risotto chuckled. “It can’t be that bad.”

Bucciarati remained silent for a few minutes. He didn’t want to tell Risotto about what happened because he knew Risotto could 1-up this. He didn’t know exactly how, but he could; however, this would be a good time to complain about what happened.

“. . . Risotto, please don’t tell anyone what I’m about to tell you,” Bruno sighed. “So earlier in the week, when I was trying to take a nap, Narancia ran down stairs asking me for help. I follow him up stairs to his bedroom to find Pannacotta laying in his bed, covered with a blanket. . . He had a dildo stuck up his ass and I had to use Sticky Fingers to get it out. . .”
Risotto stared at Bucciarati for a minute. All of a sudden he bursted into laughter.

“What the hell is so funny?!” Bruno hissed.

“How the hell did they manage that?” Risotto said, continuing to laugh. 

“I have no fucking clue! Now stop laughing!”

Risotto tried his best to stop laughing but he couldn’t help himself.

Bruno sighed as he laid his head down on the table.

“If it makes you feel better Bruno, I’ve had to deal with one of my men getting a dildo stuck up their ass.”
“. . . How the hell is that supposed to make me feel better?”

“Look, while we were trying to help Ghiaccio get it out we all realized none of us have a stand like you. You could just zip it out. All we have is Formaggio, who can shrink down. . .”

“. . .Did you make him-”
“No. He refused to even help. . .”

“So how did you guys get it out?”

“He had to force Ghiaccio to go to the ER.”

. . . What the fuck is wrong with them? 


Chapter Text

Everyone in Bucciarati’s team was going on with a normal day. They were all sitting at a table drinking tea and talking. (Please read: They aren’t talking. Narancia and Fugo are trying to kill each other. Abbacchio is being a bitch to Giorno. Mista is being Mista. Bucciarati is trying to stop the madness.)

After about twenty minutes or so they all stopped being little demons and started acting like civilized people. (It’s about fucking time.)

As they all continued to talk Abbacchio and Bucciarati excused themselves from the table and walked off. Once they were gone Mista made a smart comment.

“I bet they’re gonna go fuck.”

“Mista, you are one of the reasons I have anger issues,” Fugo hissed.

“But you know he’s right,” Giorno sighed. “They are probably going to have sex.”

“We don’t know if they-”

“Ahh! L-Leone!”

Fugo slammed his head onto the table in an attempt to knock himself out. However, it didn’t work.

“P-Panni. . .” Narancia said quietly. “Are you okay?”

“No. . . No, I’m not. . .”

“Don’t worry Pannacotta,” Giorno said. “We all know that Abbacchio doesn’t last long so it will be over soon.”

“. . .Wait a minute, how do you know that?” Mista asked.

“They’ve had sex while I was in the room with them,” Giorno sighed. “They didn’t even fucking care I was there.”

“Fuck! Ah! F-Fuck!” Bucciarati moaned. 

Mista and Narancia were trying their best not to stop laughing. (And Fugo was trying his best not to grab a fork and put it in a light socket.)

“Abba. . .cchio!”

Bucciarati fell silent. And after a few minutes he and Abbacchio walked out to join their team.

Fugo was glaring at Mista and Narancia as she continued to giggle like school girls. He knew one of them wasn’t going to be able to keep their mouth shut.

Boy, was he right.

Mista started shaking the table and started fake moaning. “Ah! Fuck me harder Abbacchio! Ah!”

Narancia busted out laughing as he fell out of his chair. Fugo started yelling at both him and Mista to stop. Giorno just watched as the whole thing went down.

And Abbacchio was very close to murdering Mista.

. . .

Wait a minute, who the fuck is that standing outside of that window?. . . AND WHY THE FUCK IS SHE HOLDING A BRICK???

All of a sudden the girl threw the brick through and climbed in.

“Hey! Who the hell are you?!” Mista hissed.

The girl didn’t say a thing. But she did grab a fork and shanked Mista with it. She then jumped out the window and walked away.

“Holy shit! That girl just shanked Mista!” Narancia hissed. “Giorno! Please heal-!”

“Don’t you fucking dare heal that boy, Giovanna!” Abbacchio growled. “He deserved that!”

“. . . Did you hire someone to try and kill Mista?!” Bucciarati hissed.

“Oh, no,” Abbacchio said. “That just happened to be well timed. Anyway, let the son of a bitch bleed out a bit, and let it be a lesson to all of you.”

All of them watched Mista as he laid on the ground and bleed out. . . WHY THE HELL AREN’T THEY HELPING HIM?!?!? HE’S DYING!!!