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CPT.ARCHER has created channel: NX01 ENT Senior Officers.




CPT.ARCHER: This channel is strictly for communication purposes only, please refrain from using it as a social network. I’d hate to have to explain to the Vulcan High Command why my officers are filling official channels with “trivial conversation”.


COM.TUCKER: Cap’n Archer, you wound me. Have ye so little faith in your bridge crew?


SUB.T’PAL: I do believe this is what the Captain was referring to as “trivial conversation”.


COM.TUCKER: Aw, shucks. Did I break the rules already?


T’PAL: Might I remind you that these channels are monitored by Star Fleet Command?


DR.PHLOX: I think having written logs to document interpersonal communications during long term voyages would be rather enlightening.


COM.TUCKER: What he said.


SUB.T’PAL: Your command of language never ceases to amaze, Commander.


COM.TUCKER: Don’t you have a sensor grid to calibrate?


CPT.ARCHER: Trip. Last I checked, you still need had some scratches in the paint job that need to be covered.


COM.TUCKER: Yessir. Right away Cap’n.




LT.REED: Are we not going to ask how the Suliban managed to sneak aboard without notice?


ENS.SATO: No. I was too distracted by how they were turning invisible and crawling around the dark medbay.


ENS.MAYWEATHER: That’s another thing. How’d they know how to turn off the power?


COM.TUCKER: That’s somethin’ I wouldn’t mind knowing either…


CPT.ARCHER: I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’re missing our Klingon friend, and I’d really prefer to return him without the Vulcan’s help.


ENS.SATO: Sorry Captain. I was talking about my newly gained trauma with @DR.PHLOX, but I’ll get right back to my station.


ENS.MAYWEATHER: Wait. Isn’t Phlox doing an autopsy?


ENS.SATO: I’m not paying attention to that, right now. I’m still trying to translate what Klaang said.


ENS.SATO: Phlox is now talking to the corpse...


ENS.SATO: Alright, I’m leaving! Dr.Phlox is moving stuff around in this guy’s chest and the noises are making me queasy.



ENS.MAYWEATHER: So…@LT.REED...How about that alien station on Rigel X…


LT.REED: I’m afraid you’ll need to be more specific…


ENS.MAYWEATHER: Y’know, the bar with all the dancers…


LT.REED: What about it?


ENS.MAYWEATHER: I think one of those lovely ladies you were watching was actually a dude…


LT.REED: I was most certainly not watching any of those dancers.


LT.REED: I was on duty.


ENS.MAYWEATHER: Nah, I distinctly remember you watching the dancers while we were waiting for information.


ENS.SATO: It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, Malcolm, it happens to everyone. And no one would care if you batted for the other team.


LT.REED: That’s not...! You’re misreading the situation!


ENS.SATO: Are we?




ENS.MAYWEATHER: Really, though?


LT.REED: Unnecessarily so! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to recalibrate the torpedoes.


LT.REED has logged off.


ENS.MAYWEATHER: Recalibrate the torpedoes he says. ;^)


ENS.SATO: Mhmmmmm. ;^)


DR.PHLOX: Is sexuality still a sensitive topic on Earth?


ENS.SATO: Not as much as it used to be, but some people can be more...reserved about it.


ENS.MAYWEATHER: Especially when one Lieutenant Reed has a stick shoved up their ***.


DR.PHLOX: Fascinating! I must ask Dr. Lucas about this in more detail when I message him next!


DR.PHLOX has logged off.        


COM.TUCKER is online.


COM.TUCKER: What in tarnation! I leave for FIVE minutes, and now Malcolm is questioning his sexuality. Why can’t y’all get along?


SUB.T’PAL: Your assessment of the situation is incorrect. It was Ensigns Sato and Mayweather who were inquiring as to Lieutenant Reed’s sexuality, to which there was no determinate response.






CPT.ARCHER is online.


CPT.ARCHER: Well. I think I’ve had more than enough Klingons today.


COM.TUCKER: Seconded, Cap’n.


SUB.T’PAL: With your species’ inclination to interfering with others’ affairs, I find myself in agreement.


ENS.SATO: I can’t wait to study their language in more depth. There are so many dialects, it could take me months before I can talk to them properly!


CPT.ARCHER: I think you’ll get your chance to practice with natives more than your fair share if we keep encountering them like this.


ENS.MAYWEATHER: If our mission goes as planned, you’ll have more than just Klingon to learn.


CPT.ARCHER: Then I suppose you should look up from your console and make sure we don’t crash into anything.


ENS.MAYWEATHER: Yes sir! Sorry, sir!


COM.TUCKER: Amateurs.


SUB.T’PAL: Commander, I’m picking up an antimatter build up in the port nacelle.




COM.TUCKER has logged off.


LT.REED: I’m not picking up any antimatter buildups.


SUB.T’PAL: I believe, as Commander Tucker would say, “Amateurs”.





CPT.ARCHER: Maybe there’s hope for you yet.


Chapter Text

COM.TUCKER is online.


COM.TUCKER has changed SUB.T’PAL ’s name to Bitchy Elf.


COM.TUCKER : Hah! It worked!




ENS.SATO is online.


ENS.SATO : She might not be the warmest person, but I don’t think she deserves that.


COM.TUCKER : I’m not changin’ it.


ENS.SATO : We’ll see about that… :^>


ENS.SATO : @ Bitchy Elf


Bitchy Elf is online.


Bitchy Elf : I expected more… professionalism from one of the Captain’s highest-ranking officers. Perhaps I should bring it up with him?


COM.TUCKER has changed Bitchy Elf ’s name to Sub.T’Pal .




Sub.T’Pal : This is acceptable, yes.


ENS.SATO has changed their name to CommsBoss .


ENS.MAYWEATHER : Not that I’m complaining, but how did you do this?


CommsBoss : I was able to modify the channel specs and allow us all permission to change our own names.


ENS.MAYWEATHER : I didn’t know you could program code?


CommsBoss : Oh, I can’t, but I can go into the settings of the Captain’s tablet and change the settings.


LT.REED is online.


LT.REED : You stole the Captain’s tablet?!?!?


CommsBoss : No, the Captain handed it off to Commander Tucker. The Commander ‘borrowed’ it to ‘look over personnel logs’, and he tried to do it himself. When he couldn’t, he handed it off to me to see if I could manage it.


COM.TUCKER : How did you do it by the way?


CommsBoss : I tapped on the little gear icon in the upper left-hand corner and unclicked a few permissions boxes.


COM.TUCKER : You’re kiddin’ me… right?


CommsBoss : Nope.


ENS.MAYWEATHER : Commander, you can repair a highly advanced, matter/anti-matter engine prototype, but you can’t change a few permissions in a settings menu?


Sub.T’Pal : Might I remind that Commander Tucker was unable to locate the settings tab.


COM.TUCKER : Nobody asked you, you Bitchy Elf.


ENS.MAYWEATHER has changed COM.TUCKER ’s name to SouthernHick .


CommsBoss has removed SouthernHick ’s name permissions.


LT.REED : Real mature, everyone.


CommsBoss : Careful, Malcolm. You could be next. :^>


LT.REED : Absolutely not! This is an official channel, we need to remain professional!


LT.REED : You’ve already admitted to STEALING THE CAPTAIN’S TABLET!!!


CPT.ARCHER is online.


CPT.ARCHER : I am very much aware of letting Trip borrow my tablet, so I’m very much aware of the fact that he knows the starboard plasma conduits need scrubbing.


SouthernHick : Yessir!


SouthernHick : Right away, Cap’n!


SouthernHick has logged off.


CommsBoss: So… are we in trouble, Captain?


LT.REED : I don’t know where you’re getting ‘we’ from. I had nothing to do with this.


CPT.ARCHER : I’m sure I could overlook something so small. It’s not Trip’s fault he didn’t know how to change the screen’s brightness.


LT.REED : That’s not what happened, though.


CommsBoss : Yes it is. ;^)


ENS.MAYWEATHER : This is exactly how I remember this going.


CPT.ARCHER has changed their name to Porthos’Favorite.


LT.REED : This is highly unconventional.


Porthos’Favorite : You’ll find that this is an unconventional mission, Lieutenant.




ENS.MAYWEATHER : On the topic of unconventional, is anyone going to movie night? I hear they’re playing Spaceballs.


CommsBoss : Really?!? I haven’t seen that movie in ages!


ENS.MAYWEATHER: Back on the Horizon, our entertainment libraries were pretty limited, so Spaceballs was always a staple. I’m pretty sure I could quote the entire movie for you.


CommsBoss : Same! Would you like those quotes in English or Vulcan?


ENS.MAYWEATHER : You’re joking, right?!?


Porthos’Favorite : She’s not.


CommsBoss : I ma pakik wuh bleeps, I ma pakik wuh fnashtau, heh I ma pakik wuh creeps.


Sub.T’Pal is online.


Sub.T’Pal : Why is Ensign Mayweather laughing?


DR.PHLOX : As far as I’m aware, laughter is a normal human response to something they consider humorous. It’s also been proven to do wonders for one’s health.


LT.REED : It’s not good for our health if he ends up crashing Enterprise into an asteroid.


DR.PHLOX : Ah, yes, that would be a problem.


CommsBoss : As long as he’s not rolling around on the ground, we should be fine. Which, by the way, he is not.


LT.REED : Why are you two so invested in science fiction from 2 centuries ago? We live in a time where we can do all of the things in them.


ENS.MAYWEATHER : It’s not just ‘science fiction’, it is a piece of classic comedy that only gets better with age.


CommsBoss : Not to mention, you’ll never find someone to marry you.


CommsBoss : That stick is shoved too far up your ***.


Sub.T’Pal : Ensign Mayweather has now dropped to the floor and is creating a scene. I’d advise returning to your stations before I am forced to submit an official complaint to the Captain about his bridge crew’s conduct.


CommsBoss : Right away, Sub-Commander.


CommsBoss has logged off.


LT.REED : Finally, someone on this ship who acts professionally.




Sub.T’Pal : I do not understand the point of this event. It serves no purpose to my assignment aboard the Enterprise.


CommsBoss : It’s movie night, Sub-Commander, it allows the crew to relax and enjoy a taste of home.


Sub.T’Pal : I do not question the logic of such an event, but I question the insistence of my presence here.


CommsBoss : Your people gave us star maps, so we’re returning the favor by introducing you to our culture.


Sub.T’Pal : Then. I suppose I had best pay attention.


Users CommsBoss and Sub.T’Pal have gone idle.




User Sub.T’Pal is active.


Sub.T’Pal : How does an ancient Earth vehicle possess an internal power plant that can sustain faster than light travel?


CommsBoss : It’s a movie; the Winnebago is a comedic element.


Sub.T’Pal : The ‘comedic elements’ in this film disregard even the most basic laws of physics.


CommsBoss : You’re overthinking it, Sub-Commander.


Sub.T’Pal : Perhaps some more thought would have aided this movie’s success.


CommsBoss has temporarily silenced Sub.T’Pal .


CommsBoss : Maybe this’ll teach you to appreciate good films.




Sub.T’Pal ’s messages are now reactivated.


Sub.T’Pal : The android’s virginity alarm was more scientifically accurate than anything else in that movie.


CommsBoss : And…?


Sub.T’Pal : I can understand why an emotional race as your own would enjoy such a trivial past time.


CommsBoss : I think that’s as close as I’ll get you to admitting that you enjoyed the movie. Should we be expecting you at the next one?


Sub.T’Pal : I will consider attending.


ENS.MAYWEATHER : I’m surprised you caught any of that while looking at your tablets so much.


CommsBoss : I think Chef almost caught us at least twice. He looked just about ready to kick us out!


Sub.T’Pal : I would suggest retiring to your quarters, Ensigns Sato and Mayweather. The duty roster has been updated with double shifts for you both.


CommsBoss : 8^O


ENS.MAYWEATHER : I bet Chef had something to do with it.


CommsBoss : Probably.


CommsBoss : Enjoy your freedom, Sub-Commander. Travis, I will see you tomorrow I guess.






SouthernHick is online.


SouthernHick : I’ve finished scrubbing the plasma conduits, is Spaceballs still playing?


Sub.T’Pal : I’m afraid you missed it by approximately an hour.


SouthernHick : Darn. That would’ve made my night.


Sub.T’Pal has changed SouthernHick ’s name to MajorAssHole.


MajorAssHole : Hold on! Change it back!


MajorAssHole : Is this because of the Bitch Elf thing? I changed it back!


MajorAssHole : T’Pal! I’ll report you to the Cap’n if you don’t change this back right now!


Sub.T’Pal : Vulcans do not hold grudges; it is illogical.


MajorAssHole : All they have to do is scroll up and see that you changed it!


Sub.T’Pal : See what? The chat logs are archived at 0000 hours every day and are inaccessible to the crew without the Captain’s explicit permission.


Sub.T’Pal : @Computer, what is the time.


2459.40 hours, Sub Commander T’Pal.


Sub.T’Pal has logged off.


MajorAssHole : T’PAL!!!


  Chat-log has been archived.