This is to be their first night spent together. Earlier in the day, L had chained himself to Light.
Light is opposed to the idea, naturally, he enjoys privacy, but it's not like he could refuse when he is suspected of being a mass murderer.
L, per contra, is very much fond of the idea, for he has a plan. To lure Kira into a false sense of security, and when he lets his guard down, to seize him completely. Tonight is the not so graceful beginning of the said plan, although L is fully aware it is not going to be easy. It will require a lot of time and patience, virtues that the young detective is fortunately blessed with.
L leads his younger to the room they are to share, on one of the top floors not neighboured by any bedrooms above or below it. Feigning courtesy, L unlocks the door for Light, and then the younger walks inside, taking in his surroundings for a second. He finds himself standing inside a simple sitting room, another door in front of him. L locks the first door behind them, and leads Light through the second door, into the bedroom. Light once again takes in his surroundings before speaking up,
"Um..." Light begins, "Are you going to let me get ready?"
"It would be unhygienic for me not to, yes?"
"Light-kun has my permission, then."
"Where is the bathroom?"
"Through that door." L gestures to their right. Another door.
"Ah, an en-suite? Convenient!" Light observes, speaking in his usual jocund manner.
"You're going to have to come with me, right?"
"I cannot take my eyes off of Light-kun for fear that he will commit murder."
"I am not Kira!"
L stares at Light blankly, ignoring his denial. He is above giving sympathetic responses to murderers. Light sighs a little, annoyed at not being given the response he wants, so he huffs and turns around in defeat. He opens the bathroom door and goes inside, his elder following closely behind.
Light leans against the sink and stares into the mirror.
Little narcissist, L thinks.
A sigh once again escapes Light's mouth, then he opens the cupboard overhead, looking inside for a moment before pulling out some makeup wipes. He doesn't use much, just some eyeliner, mascara and foundation. Indeed L himself sometimes uses eyeshadow to worsen the dark circles under his eyes, for it is all apart of his character. Ryuzaki is a character he especially enjoys playing. He likes toying with people, making them believe that he is someone he is not, it is all so very fun for him. L is very different when compared to Ryuzaki. This little persona is but a small hobby, nothing more, nothing less. One of his previous successors gave him the idea, indeed said successor used to play Ryuzaki.
"Which one should I use?" Light asks, pointing at the toothbrushes,
"Whichever Light-kun likes. They are both new," L replies.
He takes a toothbrush and continues as normal, as L simply observes him. Nothing seems out of the ordinary. Though L knows he must not ever let his guard down, Light is still his prime suspect. Everything about him seems to be absolutely flawless, his alibis, his excuses...his everything. But hereforth, L is to be his only alibi. L is going to catch Kira, no matter how far he has to go to get a confession to slip out of that pretty mouth. He wagers that the truth will come pouring out if he has Light right where he wants him. No - he changes his mind. He is going to make the truth pour out, little by little. Until he confesses everything; all the people he's killed, how he kills...the thought alone is satisfying. L wonders, how long will it take? Which approach shall he take? He soon decides he will at least make things interesting, he'll see how long he can amuse himself until he gets Light to confess out of sheer frustration and desire. But he won't get ahead of himself.
"As I can tell."
"Can I change clothes?"
"I'll allow it."
"I mean now."
"Not here, surely?"
"Well, come into the room."
Light nods in agreement, stepping into the bedroom again with L.
"I what, Light-kun?"
"You need to remove these cuffs."
"This is Light-kun's plan, yes?"
"To get me to remove the handcuffs so he can kill."
"I cannot change my clothes with them on."
"Light-kun must know that he cannot run even if he tries."
"Alright, I get it!"
"Light-kun is yelling."
"Because he's annoyed with you and wants to go to sleep!"
"Very well, no need to get pouty."
Visibly irked by this comment, Light simply glares. He is getting quite irritated. He realises this will be a hell of a lot more than he had first bargained for; but he really shouldn't be surprised, for he never really knows what ideas L will form. No one does, truthfully.
L grabs Light's wrist, which surprises the younger, who quickly flinches away.
"Do you want me to rid you of these chains or not?"
Light is surprised by L's sudden casual tone, he is not even using keigo. On one hand, Light finds it offensive, but on the other, he doesn't much mind, them knowing each other quite a while. Light nods in response to L's question, presenting L with his wrist. L unchains him. But the following moments are awkward. L stares.
"Please don't watch me," Light requests,
"Why? Is Kira-kun thinking of killing tonight?"
"Please, give me at least a little privacy."
"Light-kun values privacy a lot. Why could that be?"
"It is a reasonable request!"
L notices something, something that the regular person may not pick up on - an ever so slight whine in Light's voice. Certainly very bratty. But so enticing. L clears his throat and rids his mind of unseemly thoughts,
"Go on, then."
Light is surprised when L walks away. He hadn't expected it. Light keeps an eye on L, who grabs a laptop from a drawer under the bed and then takes a seat on the bed in his usual fashion. L opens the laptop and turns it on, to make Light think he is not paying him any mind, although he is. If he wants Light to confess, he has to build up some trust; trust is crucial to his plan, and only when he has built up Light's trust in him will he get more serious. If L wants to win, he has to be patient and careful. Light is certainly not just some foolish criminal.
When Light is ready for bed, he finally comes to his senses. He is going to have to share a bed with someone.
He gulps, anxiety beginning to manifest in his stomach. That awful sickening feeling he doesn't experience very often, but when he does, he loathes it. The room goes dark as Light turns off the light, and then makes his way over to the bed. L looks up from his laptop as soon as the light is turned off, it turns out "getting changed" for Light means throwing on a t-shirt and ridding himself of his trousers. L watches as Light crawls into bed. Light's heart is racing. He is quite shy when it comes to these kinds of things, and is not ignorant of that fact. He has never shared a bed with anyone other than his parents before. Well, there's a first for everything, no? Before he settles down, he holds out his wrist to L. L soon cuffs him again, then goes back to his work as Light lies down.
L is working on a certain John Doe case, which he is certain he will solve by the end of the night. Death ruled a suicide, nothing to suggest foul play. L solves these kinds of cases in his spare time, as there are no murderers to apprehend. Occasionally, he will solve cases with murderers involved, but tonight is not one of those occasions. Such cases many may find trivial, but L, he sympathises with the victims. He lost his first successor to suicide. The lucky thing is they soon found him; if they hadn't, he would have just been another John Doe. Just like the one L is looking at and trying to figure out. Trying to piece together clues, what the victim left behind, if they were missed or if they were forgotten. L is of the firm belief that a good family will look for their child, brother, father, grandfather, cousin, nephew, or whatever relative he may be. But if the victim had family problems or no family at all, then that's a very different story. A story L knows all too well.
Light watches as L works, bewildered by the fact that L never seems to take breaks. That gets him wondering if he can change that. His thoughts soon turn to that of L's tapping of the keyboard, which is doing his head in. He isn't usually so peeved by such things, but ever since he walked into the room, he feels like things have changed. Having to share not just a living space, but a bed too, with someone who is practically a stranger - it's new, to say the absolute least. But oh, for the love of God, is Light starting to get annoyed. Tap tap tap on the keyboard, how is he meant to sleep with that racket going on‽
Light doesn't even realise he's said anything before L replies,
"Could Light-kun say that again?"
"Ah-" He moves the blanket away from his mouth, "I did?"
"Yes, you did," L purposely slips out of character.
"What is this?"
"You switch from keigo to non-keigo, can't you pick just one?"
"Which would Light-kun like me to use outside of work?"
"'Outside of work'?"
"I must speak formally to you as I speak formally to all the others."
"Is that so...?"
"Light-kun would prefer keigo?"
"He is using it himself."
"No, either is fine. I don't mind."
"Depends on the time of day."
"If that's what you so desire to do..."
L lets out a small chuckle, which surprises his younger. He's never heard L laugh before, it sounds unnatural, but so...human? He often neglects to acknowledge that L is, too, only human.
How very interesting L finds this entire situation. So interesting he finds it, in fact, that he shuts his laptop, puts it to one side, and joins Light under the covers.
"You are like a different person," L says.
"So now it's non-keigo?"
"If you don't mind."
"Not at all."
"What's with this? You're less snarky tonight."
"That's the spirit! Rid yourself of all that formal talk, just for the night."
"Just...for the night?"
"You're awfully energetic."
"I don't sleep. Not much."
"I knew tha- wait, so you do sleep?"
"That is something you will find out in due time."
"You talk about my being different, but you yourself don't usually act like this."
"How am I acting?"
"Like...you know me. You speak to me as if I'm a good friend all of a sudden."
"Oh, are we not friends?"
"You suspect me of being a murderer."
"That's why we're in bed together, Light."
"You didn't have to remind me, I know that..."
"You consented to this, as did I."
"So there shouldn’t be a problem."
"You are nervous."
"Why is that?"
"I don't know what you mean."
"Don't play dumb. It's only the two of us here."
"I'm not exactly nervous."
"Then what are you?"
"...It's only nerves."
"So you are nervous. Why?"
"Forget about it. Not nervous at all."
L chuckles again, which further irritates his younger.
"Anything I can do to ease your nerves tonight, then?"
"What are you planning?"
"To ease your nerves, as I said."
"Who are you?"
"You're not Ryuzaki."
"Of course. I'm L."
"I've never heard you speak so casually..."
"Well, is it unusual for me to do so?"
"I generally dislike speaking formally."
"That's something we have in common."
"The way you're acting."
"Get used to it, we'll be like this for a while."
"Really, it's revolting."
"Don't be cheeky, now."
L seems to change character with that sentence - he lowers the pitch of his voice, threatening Light. And Light responds just the way L wants him to, he shuts up and settles down.
What a boring façade it is to pretend to be all amicable and cordial with a murderer, it tires L out. He just regrets that Light hadn't accepted his offer to calm his nerves, for things would have moved so much quicker if he had. Oh well, they will get there in good time. L will never change his tactics, no matter how questionable they may be. He bends the law in many ways, but not with what he does to his prisoners and suspects. He is not that bad, he will back off if not solicited by the other party. He begins to think of all he can do to Light, and when he will start. L thinks Light to be nothing but extremely proud, bitchy, and frivolous. How he longs to just tear that all down. In due time, he reminds himself, as this criminal is just a child of barely eighteen.
And this criminal is so very full of nerves, it doesn't even take an idiot to see that. As aforesaid, he is not ignorant of the fact that he is very shy. Not in social situations, in fact, he is rather outgoing, but in such a situation where he may or may not be in bed with another man. An older man. Who called him cheeky. Light doesn't think of himself as cheeky, he wonders why anyone would ever think that. What a ridiculous comment. He is the opposite of cheeky...right? If that kid is good at one thing, it is fooling himself. He can't fool himself all the time though, sometimes he has to face reality. He really doesn't want to do that right now, he would rather be in any other situation. It's not that he's uncomfortable, he's just never known himself to be so painfully mousy. How he hates it. That feeling of anxiety still lingers dully, and it makes him feel like he has to throw up. He just can't seem to relax, mainly due to nerves, if only he can do something to settle them! It's to be fully expected, right? This being a situation he has never had to find himself in before. But that's all the more reason for him to not have a single clue on what to do. If only he could feign confidence like normal, though nothing about this is normal! So many ifs, too many ifs. It's like his gut feeling has changed. He usually comes into things attempting to be confident, but he is disgusted at how timid he is acting now. What is it that makes things different, other than the obvious? He really does not know. Why isn't he thinking straight? Again, he doesn't know. He wonders if he truly is so helpless around...such people. He just wants to calm himself down so he can get some sleep. He usually needs something to grab onto, perhaps a pillow? He normally holds a pillow when he is stressed and only wants to sleep. But he is using his only pillow and the other...oh.
It hits him.
He has someone to grab onto right next to him. Oh god, how is he gonna try that‽ He looks at L, who is still staring him down as if to say "you are beneath me". Even in the dark, his gaze still pierces through Light. That gaze is creepy. Light shuffles closer to his elder, and looks back at him. He does not stare, he just looks. L's expression is so cold and so emotionless. How? He was being all disgustingly affable and smiley just earlier. How fast he has changed. They exchange gazes for a while without words, before Light thinks fuck it and gives in, wrapping his arms around his elder's waist,
"What's this?" L inquires, confused and a little bit shocked.
"Please, hold me. Just this once."
"...Are you alright?" He reciprocates and holds Light close to his chest, one hand on his back and the other entwined with his hair.
"You did offer to calm my nerves."
L doesn't reply. This is Light's definition of calming his nerves? This is going to be a very long night for L. He wonders how long it will take for Light to fall asleep so he can pry himself away from his grasp. To be in such a position with a heinous criminal is nothing new to him, but most of them hadn't dared to do anything like this on the first night. L didn't ever expect this little child to ever be so bold. Though, he doesn't think Light is making a move on him, he gets the strong impression that it is just for comfort.
Oh. He puts two and two together. How could he not have noticed that sooner? Light's actions all make sense to him now. He smirks to himself...oh, how well they are going to get along. Very well indeed.
Their third night together is when L’s plan goes into motion.
The night is entirely unremarkable thus far, but Light seems to be comfortable and adjusting to his new lodgings. After all, L does want him to be as comfortable as possible, with what he’s going to do. It is time his plan begins. He's waited long enough, he and Light are no longer strangers to one another. L wishes himself Godspeed.
He slowly shuffles the tiniest bit closer to his younger, who is lying on his right side and not facing L. Easy to get around, best to move fast. L hastily grabs Light's left arm and pulls him onto his back, straddling him. Before Light can even think of screaming, L shoves his hand over his younger's mouth,
"Scream and I swear I will kill you."
He growls his sentence at Light, who is immediately struggling to get free. He’s a fighter. Oh, joy! That makes it so much more fun to L, who sees the panic in Light's eyes as he scratches at the hand over his mouth, biting into the palm, but to no avail. He does have a strong bite, though, and L himself is trying not to let out any sounds of pain.
"I am not going to hurt you, just stop struggling!"
Light is evidently very scared, his bite losing power as he shakes, therefore easing L's pain. L stares down at him, waiting for him to give in. But he never does! He thrashes about fiercely, using his nails and teeth as weapons, which are, again, stronger than L had expected. Light is very fierce when under threat, L observes.
Light continues to fumble with the hand over his mouth, his breathing erratic and his heart pounding, fight-or-flight response setting in. Unfortunately, flight is not an option. His only choice is to fight.
"I am not going to hurt you," L repeats, growing increasingly annoyed at Light's resistance,
Light momentarily continues, but soon moves his nails away from L's hand. He’s still in shock, though he’s smart enough to acknowledge what L says to him. He calms himself down slightly and stops fighting it, and for what reason he does not have the faintest idea.
"Remember what I said about screaming..."
L removes his hand from Light's mouth. The younger makes no sound other than heavy breathing. L leans down, bringing his mouth close to Light's ear to speak into it,
"Hush, now. Calm down."
Light doesn’t react as L moves towards his neck, he doesn’t think much of it until L lays his lips there. Light involuntarily gasps with a little sound, but shuts up as soon as he remembers L's threat.
L places three gentle kisses on Light's neck, then pauses to check for any sort of a reaction. Light is still too shocked to respond properly, he simply stares at the ceiling above him, not sure what to make of the situation he is in. L continues slowly, laying one more kiss there before licking from the middle of his younger's neck up to just below his jaw, to elicit a response. Light gasps as soon as he feels the tip of L's tongue, his cheeks heating up as he exhales roughly. He never knew that his neck was so sensitive. L moves back down to the middle of Light's neck and kisses him a little harder, placing his right hand above Light's right shoulder so to keep him there. Light squirms slightly before leaning his head on his pillow, presenting L with the left side of his neck, his little way of telling L that he is okay with this.
He doesn’t know why he’s okay with this, nor why he is accepting it, nor why he is enjoying it.
His breathing gets heavier as L begins to suck on his neck ever so gently, and he bites his lip to try and hold back any other sound. The situation didn't fully register to him until now. He realises that he is rendered pretty much immobile under L's grasp. L is holding him there, kissing at his neck, and telling him to shut up under threat of death. Oh, God, why is he aroused by this?! He can’t be. No. He is not going to accept this. Never.
Light struggles again, but L soon pins his wrists down,
"Shh, you're okay."
L whispers into Light's ear in an attempt to soothe him. He really doesn’t want him resisting. So he is rather pleased when Light complies, seemingly settling down a touch. L looks Light in the eye. He usually thinks Light's eyes are beautiful, but seeing them half-lidded and looking up at him, fear mixed with desperation...oh, how very tempting those eyes are.
"I suppose I'll allow a tiny bit of noise."
Light is confused by this statement. Has he been making noise? He had not realised. Though, L has realised. Light had been letting out the sweetest sounding little mewls, how endearing L finds them. He wants to hear more, so he keeps kissing and sucking at Light's neck, trying to find a sweet spot. Light definitely catches himself moan when L's lips and tongue brush across a certain spot just above his collarbone.
Just a little bit louder, L thinks to himself, paying attention to that spot.
Light gives in at that point, overwhelmed by the lasciviousness that has been provoked within him. He lies there nearly defenceless, unable to control the noises coming from his mouth as L softly bites down on his neck. That same question from two nights ago runs through Light’s head - why am I acting like this? Being so acquiescent is not like him. Or, rather, he has never let himself be so acquiescent. He has never given in to it. But he is giving in - to L of all people! He grows increasingly impatient, wanting something more, more than just kisses on the neck. Though he is gladly accepting them, every little kiss and every little gentle bite brings upon a feeling Light cannot quite recognise. Something he knows he's felt before, but he is not sure when. A strange feeling, a growing desire to just take whatever is being given to him. The feeling does not last for long, as L pulls away unexpectedly. He looks down at his younger.
"Did you like that?"
"I liked it..." Light answers breathily,
L then smirks and rolls over, leaving Light confused and...still wanting more. That's it? That's all he’s going to give him? He’s just going to build all of this up...and let it go‽ Then what’s the point?
Light is confused. Very confused.
He places his left hand on his forehead and racks his brain. What the hell did he just go through? The way he was acting just then is absolutely not the Light he knows himself to be. He was so...docile.
In his confusion, he recollects.
He was starting to doze off when he found himself suddenly trapped under L. Light had thought the worst would happen, a logical conclusion when someone gets on top of you and tells you not to scream in the middle of the night, so he fought. He fought so hard because he feared for his life and his innocence. But he finds it odd how he was strangely comforted by L telling him he wouldn't hurt him. Or maybe he just felt reassured after his wits were scared out of him. He can’t tell, the fear made his thoughts cloudy. But when L was kissing him in such a way...he found it so arousing. It’s new to him, he's never known his neck to be so sensitive. But then again he's never even touched his neck in such a manner.
The way L kissed him made Light want to give in to it, to let L have everything. Light finds it disgusting. Such a detestable, lascivious feeling. It is abhorrent to him, yet he, strangely, wants more of it. He is absolutely repulsed at what he became, but wants to be that way again. Completely at L's mercy. He wonders if he’ll ever get the chance for that again. What if that was the only time L would ever do such a thing?
Light feels conflicted.
He'll be glad to never feel that way again, but he desperately needs to feel it again. He needs it so badly, for it felt so good.
That’s the worst part of all of this - he enjoys it.
It would be so much easier for him if he didn't enjoy it. Feeling so helpless and so passive, he realised a long time ago that he gets off on it. But it is usually a purely ephemeral state.
L made him submit, and he did it so easily. It wasn't long before he'd gotten Light to stop fighting just by using words. And is he skilled with words...he didn't say much during their encounter, but whenever he did speak, whatever he said made Light's heart flutter. Like when L hushed him and told him that he wasn't going to hurt him - God, he doesn't know why he found that so alluring. He wants L to whisper such sweet things into his ear as h- Light stops thinking of that scenario. He is never going to let that happen. Ever. Why would he ever even think of such a thing?! He deems that it’s his body speaking, not his mind. He only hopes that this awful state will disappear with sleep, otherwise he shall have to relieve himself of it in the morning. Curse L for making him imagine such things.
This particular night is different.
Earlier, the two had gotten into a fight. A physical fight. Hell, they had only stopped because they were being watched and Matsuda had interfered. It happened because they were arguing over whether or not Light could be Kira. That there has been tension between the two ever since that particular incident is undeniable and apparent to everyone around them.
L is not deterred from his plan, though, and he is going to make Light regret ever hitting him, that insolent boy. When they leave the bathroom, L lags behind Light, almost stalking his prey, stealthily, until he finds a chance and takes it - grabbing Light by the arm and throwing him to the bed, getting on top of him. Light fights, baring his teeth in hostility towards his elder. He glares at L, hatred growing inside of him. L is not so easily overpowered this time, he comes to find, and soon has Light pinned down by the wrists.
"Stop fighting it, for your own good," L says flippantly, staring his younger down.
"Get off of me," Light commands.
"You can't fight this. I was putting it on earlier, I'm stronger than you think."
"And you're making it evident!"
"Just give in. Or do you want bruises on your wrists, too?"
Light snarls slightly. He hates this. He hates being pinned down and overpowered, by L of all people! He fruitlessly struggles, trying to set his wrists free. It’s no use, as L seems to have an iron grip on them.
Light soon grows tired and stops resisting. He doesn’t much care anymore. He’s not going to give L a reaction, anyway, no matter how much he tries to goad one out of him. Light only wants it to be over fast, he knows that if he doesn’t give L a reaction he will stop as it will simply bore him.
"Do what you like. I'm not bothered," Light says, petulance prominent in his voice.
"We'll see," L responds.
"Don't smirk at me."
"You are such hard work tonight. Why can't you slip back into the mindset you were in the other night?"
"Don't talk about that!"
"No use denying it when the evidence is right there on your neck..."
L lowers his voice, then moves his lips close to the right side of Light's neck, which has not yet been marked. He sees to it that that is soon changed, placing a gentle kiss there. Light responds with a sharp gasp and a slight flinch, surprising them both. Maybe he wasn't expecting it. So much for not giving L a reaction, that plan is out of the window fast. L focuses his attention on Light's neck, wanting to mark every bit of it, but he is stopped by Light drawing his shoulder up and protesting. L looks at his younger, who is already blushing. Quite a sudden change of character. He forces Light's shoulder away from his neck and starts kissing him again, but Light soon begins to struggle.
L thinks Light is just being coy, so he ignores him. He starts to suck at Light's neck, getting a much more vocal response that he got last time, which certainly pleases him. He does not care about noise this time around, he thinks Light’s moan is so pretty. In fact, he wants everyone to hear his little ingenu, who pleads for his elder to stop in between the sounds of satisfaction that he cannot control.
"Shh, you’re okay,"
L shushes and reassures Light, who is acting very differently by now.
He smirks to himself at how quickly Light gave in to it this time.
Indeed, it seems to L as though Light had hardly put up a fight, which is so very disappointing, as he does like them resistant. Perhaps the little ingenu is too young for that. Indeed, L was afraid that Light might have tried to bite him again. No, this time it is L doing the biting, as he goes back to kissing Light’s neck, on which a rosy mark is already starting to form. Light starts to struggle again as soon as L's lips brush against his neck, though he can’t do much when he is restrained at the wrists. L starts to nibble at Light’s neck a little, and ignores his protests again, still thinking he is doing nothing more than just acting coy.
Light realises he will have to make it a lot more obvious.
Light shouts this time, making it apparent that he is, in fact, serious. L stops kissing him and looks him in the eye. He notices that Light’s eyes are teary. Still so pretty though, L notes, no matter how lachrymose.
"Not that side," Light whines.
"Why?" L questions.
"Please, just don't."
"Why not? I so want to mark every inch of you as mine..."
"Why do you continue to resist this? It is pleasant if you give in. You have already felt it."
"...You can kiss me like that, but...the other side of my neck."
"Oh, I see now. Two sides of you, hm? You show only one to the world, unmarked and pure. But there is another, no? One you have shown only to me."
"Shut up, i-it's not like that."
"Then what is it?”
"I'm too sensitive..."
Light looks away, embarrassed that he has had to say that. He doesn’t want to be put in these situations, not so soon. He is still far too shy for this.
"Surely that's better? You were so loud," L speaks up again, taunting his younger.
"No, it's not nice."
"It's too much."
"Is that so? But the other side is fine, yes?"
L takes this as permission enough, and Light seems to agree, presenting L with the left side of his neck which was already marked from the other night.
The night Light wants to forget, yet experience again.
Light has been covering his hickeys with either turtlenecks or makeup, but he is really going to have a hard time covering up even more of them. He lets out a sharp sigh when he feels L's lips on his neck again, the left side is so much better. The sensitivity of the right side is overwhelming, he doesn’t like it. But he likes this, his breath hitching when L finds his way that area above his collarbone again. As L assured him, it does feel nice.
He isn’t resisting it now, he is welcoming it. He definitely likes it.
He relaxes himself, noticing that L has let go of his wrists now that he is no longer fighting. He isn’t in shock like the first time he experienced this, he is fully relaxed, which he thinks makes it better. He bites his lip to try and muffle the sound he’s realised he’s making, but L is having none of that, pulling away when he realises what Light is doing.
"Don't hold it back. I do want to hear you this time,"
L whispers right into Light's ear, which only makes Light want even more. He is so hopeful that he will get more this time. Still, he is being stubborn, so he refuses to stop biting his lip. Well, it is a mix of being stubborn and being embarrassed.
L notices Light is not obeying him when he goes back to kissing his neck. Light is still holding back his moans, which L has told him he wants to hear.
No, L is not having this. He is going to teach Light to obey.
He goes from gentle kissing and sucking to biting down roughly on Light's collarbone, which achieves the desired response. Light flinches and cries out a little in pain, his lips now parted so that any sound can freely escape. L bites down harder, and Light yelps again, clutching the blankets instead of fighting like he normally would, which L finds curious. But this alone is not enough to satisfy L. He digs his canines further into Light's sensitive skin, and Light finally speaks,
Well, it is half-cried, half-spoken, but L takes no notice of him. He is not done teaching Light his lesson.
Light continues to whimper in pain and mutters small protests as L only bites down harder. He tries to endure as much as he can until he feels he simply cannot take any more, tears spilling from his eyes. He brings his hands away from the blankets and tries to push L away,
"You’re hurting me!"
L realises that Light has had enough. He will let him go now. Light sighs in relief as L releases his neck, which is covered in both new and old hickeys and a rather large bite mark. They will be a nightmare to cover up in the morning. L moves off of Light and lies down in bed before turning the light off, then facing his younger.
"Next time," L begins, "do as you're told."
Light doesn’t reply. He gingerly brings the tips of his fingers to his neck, wincing slightly when he touches the wound. The pain stings.
"Does it hurt?" L asks, smirking.
"Yes, it hurts," Light replies flatly and honestly, no expression on his face.
"Be grateful that I didn't draw blood."
"Why?" Light looks at his elder.
"What do you mean 'why'? I just told you why."
"Why did you bite me like that?"
"You didn't do as you were told, Light. It was punishment."
"...I was embarrassed."
"That's irrelevant. You do as I ask of you from now on."
"Why should I?"
"Lose that cheeky tone. Do you forget that you bit me the other night?"
"I thought you were g-" Light cuts himself off before he can fully voice his original thought, restarting his sentence, "...I was scared."
"You ignored me, Light. And now, you disobey me. Leniency is not an option in this situation."
Light stays quiet, taking L's words into account, and switches to lying on his side rather than his back, so he is facing L. They look at each other, L waiting for Light to speak before he says anything else. Except, Light does not speak, instead, he simply tries to understand. He had found the mild pain enjoyable, exciting even, but it all became too much too soon. L was doing it to hurt him, not to thrill him. He hadn't initially fought because he thought he could take it. Did he really deserve it? He had kept on holding back every sound he was making when he had clearly been asked not to, he had disobeyed a patent order. But who is to say that he has to follow orders? Why does he feel so threatened, anyway? Oh, not good, the questions come flooding back. His mind won’t stop coming up with new 'why's, he needs to calm down.
He knows exactly what he needs for that.
But the very idea frightens him. Dare he after what he's just been told? Last time, there were no consequences...so, should he? It’s only for comfort, so he may as well…
Light moves closer to L, the two still maintaining eye contact. L is calculating the likelihood of all different kinds of scenarios in his head, getting ready to push Light away if he has to. That isn’t necessary, as Light has no plan to attack. Nervously and slowly, he wraps his arms around L's waist and cuddles up to him,
Are the only words he says.
L mentally rolls his eyes, he had not enjoyed the first time Light did this. He would much rather be focusing on his work right about now. Still, he does not object, pulling Light close to him.
Light sighs, leaning into L's touch, resting against his chest. He is almost instantly pulled away from his negative thoughts. Then he realises what had calmed him the first time, and what is now calming him again. It’s the way L holds him, it is so...loving. Light comes to a, rather obvious, conclusion quite quickly - L is holding him this way out of habit, not choice nor instinct. It is clear that he had held someone like this recently. Such an intimate embrace would not be shared by strangers or friends, but rather by lovers. Light wonders, just how long had it been since he had held that person so lovingly?
In the morning, Light is surprised to have woken up naturally, without being woken up by his name being called like he usually is. He doesn’t want to open his eyes, as he is so comfortable lying there in L's arms. He hadn't wriggled away in his sleep, then. He hadn't the first time either, he lay like that all night, feeling protected and safe...he won’t admit it to himself, but he is so starved of human touch, no wonder he acts this way when shown such intimate behaviours. It will do him good to have human interaction outside of work, but L is purposely keeping him isolated from the rest of the world. It’s all apart of his plan to meeken him up all nice and proper.
Not long passes before Light decides to wake himself up. He thinks it strange, he feels that it is definitely morning, why hasn't he been woken up? He pulls away from L's chest and looks up at his elder, who is awake and looking at him.
"What time is it?"
"Around eight AM."
"Why didn't you wake me up‽"
"It is the weekend, you needn't work."
"I decided, for the sake of your health and given your tender age, you are to take weekends off."
"Considering your health, that is all."
Light leans into L's touch again, resting his head against his chest. He still isn’t yet with it.
"Are you tired?" L asks.
"If you wish to go back to sleep I will request that you don't cling to me, as you are keeping me from my work."
"Are you even listening?"
No, you're not, L thinks to himself.
He’s going to have to do something about this, isn't he? He needs to work, this boy has taken up enough of his precious time as it stands, he could have had so much done by now had he not had that child clinging to him! No matter, he will sort it out. With Light's languid state, it isn’t difficult for L to grab his younger's shoulders and pin him to the mattress.
In response, Light opens his eyes and glares at L with a look that says "really?".
"Listen to me," L begins.
"I have to work now, I can't keep holding you."
"You're working today?"
"Of course I am, don't be so thick."
Oh. That was easier than he thought it would be. He lets go of Light and then gets out of bed to find his laptop, whilst Light rolls over and closes his eyes again. They both suppose that a little more sleep won’t harm anyone.
Later in the day, something Light does alarms L - and L is scarcely alarmed by anything.
Light has locked himself in the bathroom, with L having to stay crouched at the other side of the door due to their indisposition. After twenty minutes pass, L grows concerned, wondering what on Earth that boy could be doing in there. He had held an ear to the door a couple of times and each time he thought he heard slight snivelling, so he asked multiple times if Light was okay, but all he got in return were mundane and disingenuous responses. He suspects that something is wrong, and that he needs to go in there to investigate further.
"Light-kun?" He repeats,
"What?" Finally comes a reply from the other side of the door.
"Will Light-kun unlock the door for me?"
"No, you're not coming in."
"Why are you crying?" L subconsciously slips out of character.
"I can hear it in your voice."
Of course, he isn't going to comply, he knows better, he's dealt with depressed teenagers before.
He stands, and retrieves a lock pick from his pocket. Not much effort is needed for him to pick the lock. In fact, all the locks in the building are designed so that L can easily get past them if needed. Before entering, he announces his intentions,
"Are you decent? I'm coming in."
No response, only soft crying. He waits a few more seconds before fully opening the door, but he hadn’t expected the scene in front of him. Nearly instantly, and definitely habitually, his almost nurturing instincts kick in and he sinks down to Light's level, wrapping one arm around Light from the back and using the other arm to take Light's hand into his so Light can do no further damage to himself.
L doesn’t even realise what he's done at first, he simply finds himself embracing his younger.
He doesn’t delay, tearing off some loo roll and wiping the vomit off of Light's fingers. Well, most of it is stomach acid, the poor boy hasn't much in his stomach to bring up. L has always found it peculiar how Light eats so little. He holds Light's hand tight and hugs him with both arms, letting him cry. No, L hadn’t expected this. But it is in his nature to comfort this boy, for he knows all too well situations like these, he has one particularly disturbed successor but a mere three years younger than Light. This isn't the first time he's had to restrain someone so they can not further harm themselves.
Light's response is severely delayed, though when it does finally hit, he is in hysterics, trying to pry himself away from L's grasp so he can continue to try and make himself throw up. L reacts calmly, saying only one word,
His voice is softer than what Light is used to, he thinks it sounds almost kind, though Light can never associate L with the word 'kind'.
L keeps Light restrained in his arms and lets his younger lean against him as he cries. Truly, even hysterical cannot describe the state he is in. Tears, complaints, and words that cannot be identified over constant sobs. Yet L keeps calm, knowing the best course of action. He keeps Light's hands firmly held in his, though Light wilfully digs his nails in it does not bother L too much, and holds him. At this moment, he almost feels sympathy for Light, but soon shakes off the feeling. He tries to convince himself that he is doing this out of necessity and not choice, that it is only because he cannot have his suspect harming himself.
Perhaps, just perhaps, deep down he really does feel sympathy for Light. But he can never let that show.
L discerns that Light's actions are characteristic of a long-term affliction, for example, the marks on Light's knuckles are not all new. Some are old scars. L wonders how long Light has been dealing with this maladie; he'll question him about it when he calms down, for the boy is still understandably worked up. L thinks it disturbingly likely that Light could have been suffering for years, given that he seems to have a certain amount of experience concealing his disorder, indeed up to that very moment not so long ago L never would have suspected it. Those teeth marks and his apparent poor appetite are the only real indicators, and even then, if one is not purposely looking for those indicators they will pay them no heed.
Light is more deceitful than initially meets eye, L notes, and ups the percentage of him being Kira to 5.05%.
Though this snivelling child being a serial killer does not seem likely. No, this is Light, L deduces, not Kira.
This illness dates from before the killings, L thinks.
Still, from now on he will have to keep a close watch on what his younger is consuming, he can't have his prime suspect starving himself to death, now can he? No, he won't let him evade justice in such a way. Matters not the nature or severity of this maladie to L, but for the sake of justice, he will see to it that Light eats at least one meal per day henceforth. In fact, L comes to the realisation that Light's illness may benefit him, for Light is vulnerable in this state. L internally smirks at how well his plan is going, and so fast too! Oh, the joys of teenage hormones. Light's age aids L even further, the undeveloped mind is so pliable, so pathetically easy to manipulate.
A vulnerable, weeping child, lying in L's arms under the illusion that they offer safety. A poor, lost child will seek for protection anywhere. Sweet children are easy to deceive.
But L's little naïf seems to have regained his bearings, and is no longer acting quite so hysterical. He sits motionless, leaning with his back against L's torso, and L thinks this a good opportunity to question him. So, he picks Light up bridal-style with an experienced brevity, and carries him out of the bathroom and into their bedroom. He lays Light onto the bed, who then sits up of his own accord, and sits next to him. For good measure, L pulls Light near to him and into an embrace, and Light has the satisfactory response of wrapping his arms around his elder and resting his head upon his shoulder. He must be so starved of any intimate touch, L thinks, as he seems very prone. L spends a few seconds thinking up the best way to approach the issue, and after coming to a decision, speaks,
"Talk to me, Light,"
He alters his voice, speaking in glib and dulcet tones, for he knows it will make him seem more trustworthy.
"...What does it matter to you?" Light replies a moment later, sounding utterly dismal.
"I'm concerned about you, and would like for you to confide in me."
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Does your father know?"
"He'd be mortified if he knew!"
"Shh, calm yourself...it will be alright. Now, please, divulge. You may trust me, Light."
"...I don't know what you want me to tell you."
"Let's start simple, hm? How long have you been battling this?"
"And you have not told a soul up until now?"
"I didn't mean to tell you, you just-"
"I know it may be difficult for you to accept, but that I happened to find out is best, for you needn't struggle in silence."
"Swear you won't tell anyone."
"Ask nicely." A sudden change of tone.
"Swear you won't tell anyone, please."
"Acceptable." L switches back to his honeyed words and insincere concerns, "No, I won't tell anyone. But you must let me help you."
"I don't see how you can."
"Is it a control issue? Or an issue you have with your image?"
“How do you mean?”
“When it started out, I…hated the way I looked. And, I feel that I still do now, but-”
"Oh, Dear," He puts emphasis on the pet name, "why ever so? You're stunning."
Out of Light's range of sight, L smirks to himself. He's found a new weakness to exploit.
"I don't see that."
"Wouldn’t you like to recover?"
"Why not? I am able to aid you in your doing so."’
"I can’t. Not until this horrible guilt subsides."
"Why are you feeling guilty?"
"I don’t know. It’s a recent thing. I’ve been feeling...anxious, and guilty after I eat."
"It started during my confinement."
“But you were making yourself sick long before that?”
"A smart boy like you should know that it is not at all healthy to be doing this."
"I-I know how bad it is."
“You can cause yourself serious bodily harm.”
“I know full well.”
“And you want this for yourself?”
“Of course I don’t want this!”
“Yet you don’t want to recover?”
“It makes me feel in control of myself and I don’t want to lose that.”
“Oh, you poor dear. Please, listen to me.”
“You must make me a promise."
"No more purging for as long as we cohabit."
"I do hope you keep it."
Light does not reply, drawing their conversation to a close. L thinks this conversation an overall success for him, he's managed to learn so many more things about Light that he can use to manipulate him and force a confession out of him. And, if Light is to break his promise, which in all likelihood is bound to happen, L is free to inflict deserved punishment.
Yes, things will work out for L in the end. As usual.
The next day is not so odd.
The pair are sitting next to each other on the couch in the sitting room, Light has demanded that the curtains and blinds be open as he doesn't like sitting in the dark. He finds himself with not much to do other than to watch L work, normally he would go outside, but L forbids it. Light gets the feeling they are going to spend most of their time indoors.
"I'm bored," Light confesses,
"Do you want to work?" The response is quick.
"Not particularly, no."
"I'll see if I can ease your ennui..."
L holds out his right arm, not looking away from his laptop as he expects Light to understand. Alas, he does not.
L looks at Light as he speaks. He wonders if he is going to have to indoctrinate his younger. He links his right arm with Light's left and forces him to draw nearer. Light looks surprised, mimsy child. L brings Light's right arm towards him, and wraps it around his own, so Light is clinging onto him. Then, he returns to his work.
Light is nonplussed. How’s this supposed to help? It certainly eases his boredom, but brings panic in its wake. He finds his heart beating faster, his stomach beginning to ache with anxiety. Why such a reaction? No, no, no, he is not going to go through all the questions in his head again. He’s just going to relax. Still, he wonders why he has not yet pulled away. He dismisses that thought, and decides to be daring. Vigilant, he slowly rests his head on L's shoulder, and L doesn’t seem to react. Huh. That was easier than Light thought. Is he really so sheltered that for him physical contact is a feat? He's never thought about it like that before. He guesses it’s at least a little bit true, nobody has ever done this sort of thing with him. He's always been too shy. But L encourages it, and always holds him when he asks. He still wonders who L had last held so tenderly, it clearly had not been long ago. When they spoke yesterday, L held him near and it comforted him, he felt safe, almost like he could trust him.
But he doesn't. He still has the bite mark and the bruises on his neck to remind him of why he doesn't trust L.
One moment L can be caring and compassionate, the next he can be aggressive and prurient. The marks Light has are reminders of two instances in which he had felt truly vulnerable for once. He feels as if he has been defiled. He had assumed that he would have been violated during the very first incident, until L made it apparent that was not his intent. Light does not know L's intent. Is it for L’s own twisted pleasure or is it meant to be for Light's sake? Maybe it’s a sick game, clearly, L enjoys getting Light all worked up and then leaving him unsatisfied. He doesn't like what L makes him feel, not at all.
Then again, he doesn't really know what he felt during those encounters other than shameful lust.
It was, in a way, different from how that usually feels for Light. He puts that down to the rush of adrenaline. They have only been in two such situations, and in each at least one of them was fighting. Light is appalled and ashamed that he would even think of letting that stuff happen to him. But the second and most recent time, he did, he just lie back and let it happen, promising himself not to give L a reaction. But he failed, and he ended up bitten and bruised. He truly does not know what to do if this sort of stuff is to continue. Shall he fight, or lay back and let it happen? He wants to do both. Actually, he decides that he would rather it not happen at all. Though, had it not happened, he wouldn't know how it felt. He is guilt-ridden and humiliated by what had happened to him, and by the fact that he just let it happen because it aroused him.
He should have put up a better fight, should have bitten down harder that first night. Should have fought like he did the other day during their argument. At the same time, he is curious and wants to try more. Such conflicting thoughts, his head is a mess. He hopes things will eventually calm down if he keeps denying L's advances.
Bury the curiosity and never try such things again, that is what Light thinks best. He shouldn't be doing these things, anyway. If anyone is to find out about what he's been doing with L, he'll be killed.
But it is innocent to him. Innocent playing is how Light views these things. He has never considered that violence can be involved, but he gathers that it is normal, that he is just sheltered and prudish.
Truthfully, he is too inexperienced to know any better.
Light is pulled away from his thoughts by L’s voice,
“Hm?” He responds, looking at his elder, whose face is now far too close to his own.
“You seem deep in thought.”
“Ah, I...I was, I suppose.”
“What were you thinking about?”
“Oh, nothing in particular.”
“You need not lie to me. Have I not already assured you that I shan’t divulge your secrets?”
“I believe you have…”
“Then apprise me of your thoughts.”
“I do hope you are well aware of how suspicious you sound at present.”
“How many times do I have to te-” He cuts himself off, and sighs before speaking again, “I was just thinking about, well…”
“Continue. Reticence won’t get you anywhere.”
“Before...that night with you, I was so shy-”
“You still are,” L cuts Light off with a slight chuckle.
Light responds with a death stare before speaking up again,
“It’s almost like you’ve...brought forth something within me.”
“Arousal, Dear. Perfectly normal.”
“No, you idiot! I have...felt that before, and it’s different.”
“It only feels different because you’re with a new person.”
“I guarantee it.”
“I think I hate it.”
“The way you make me feel.”
There’s an awkward silence as L stares at him with what Light thinks is disdain. He’s suddenly regretting what he’s said.
“May I kiss you?”
“You heard me.”
“You want to...kiss me?”
“I would like to, yes.”
“Is that permission?”
L wastes no time, and presses his lips against Light’s, habitually closing his eyes. He catches Light make a small noise, akin to a squeak, and feels him clutch his arm tighter. Not long passes before he pulls away, and opens his eyes to see Light, whose own eyes are wide with shock, a healthy blush across his cheeks.
“How did that feel?” L questions, silver-tongued,
“Nice,” Light answers, voice breathy and hesitant.
Light is caught off guard when he feels L’s lips on his once more. In shock again, a whimper escapes his mouth, but L’s lips subdue the sound. Mimicking his partner, Light closes his eyes. L’s cold fingertips lift Light’s mandible up slightly, a shiver running down Light’s spine. L pulls away for just a second, before kissing Light once more. This kiss is short, and when it’s over, L speaks again,
“Are you sure you hate what I do to you?”
“You are merely confused, Pet. At your age, this is natural.”
Baby's first time trying to write any kind of dirty talk. Can you tell?
I wrote most of this 10 months ago and I'm still not entirely happy with it, but it's whatever, I feel I've improved it to the best of my abilities.
The plan is working.
It’s finally getting to Light, who has his arms wrapped around the back of L's neck - staring at him with patent lust and yearning. He’s perched on the arm of the sofa in the middle of their sitting room, L hadn't even given him time to get ready for bed before he had started teasing him, kissing him and biting at his neck and saying such lecherous things to him. Desire getting the best of him, he is sat there fidgeting; breath heavy, pupils dilated, and cheeks flushed.
L pulls Light to his feet, arms around his back, and they both stand. Light still clutches at L's neck, having to stand on his tip-toes so he can reach, since L is quite a bit taller than him when he chooses not to slouch.
"Kneel," L demands.
"What?" Light's reply is breathy and quiet.
L removes his hands from around Light's back to pry his wrists away from the back of his neck,
"I told you to kneel."
He growls the words this time, and Light obliges, soon on his knees in front of L.
L has never seen Light like this; so servile, so malleable...ah, this is good. This is how he wants him.
He leers at his younger from above, watching him bite his lip in frustration. L can tell that he is desperate just from the way he is looking up at him. Oh, those eyes are so very pretty. Such hungry eyes...
"What will you do if I leave you waiting?" L questions, voice sultry and inquisitive.
"Oh, please don't."
The whine in Light's voice is so, so alluring, but L retains self-control.
"Why shouldn't I?"
“You can’t! I want to…”
“Tell me what you want, Pet.”
"Speak up for me."
"Please what?" He crouches down in front of Light, "I can only grant you what you desire if you tell me what it is."
"Please, give me more."
"Do you think you deserve that?"
"Such a good boy, begging for me like this."
"I'm n-not begging,"
"Then what are you doing?"
"Give me more, I need...more."
"What do you need, Light?"
"You can tell me."
"No, I can't,"
"I ca...I can't!"
"Are you disobeying me again?"
"Tell me what you need."
"Please don't make me say it."
"You'll do as I ask of you. Have we not already established this?”
"I....oh, please, I-"
"Do you want me to hurt you again?"
"No, no, I don't!"
"Then speak to me. What is it that you are so desperate for?"
"I-I need....need to cum."
"You want to get off?"
"You want me to let you?"
"Yes, let me, please!"
"Sit properly for me, then. Stop kneeling."
Light does as he is told and leans against the sofa behind him, sitting with his legs slightly apart. He makes sure that L can see how hard he is. They hold eye contact, wordless, until Light decides to break the silence,
"Let me cum."
"Why do you deserve it?"
"Because I've...have I been good?"
"The very opposite. You have misbehaved."
"What?" Light whines.
"You know exactly what you have done."
"What have I done‽"
"Stop playing dumb, you’re a smart boy. Now, concede it."
"Whatever I've done, please let me atone for it!"
"Keep your hands behind your back."
Light puts his hands behind his back.
"Good," L responds to the action.
"Y-you said I was being good earlier."
"Yes, you’re being such a good boy for me right now."
Light lets out a small whimper in response to the praise, which L finds curious.
"What was that for?" L queries, intrigued.
"Please, if I'm being good, can I cum?"
"What if I keep you here all night, begging for me?"
"No, I can't take that!"
"You really need to get off, don't you?"
"If you're really good for me, then I might let you get yourself off."
"I'll be good, please, tell me what to do to be good!"
"You sit there, and beg for me."
"Sit there, and tell me what you want me to do to you."
"That means now. What is it that you want?"
"I want you to let me cum."
"And how do you want me to do that?"
"Stop saying these things!"
"You think I'll give you anything if you keep trying to order me around?"
"Ah-, I'll be good from now on, I promise."
"Are you telling me the truth, Light?"
"Yes, I'm telling...oh, please, stop teasing me!"
"Who is in charge here?"
"Good. Yes, I am in charge. So, stop telling me what to do."
"Good boy. Continue."
"Keep speaking to me. Tell me how much you want to cum."
"So, so bad, I'm...longing for it,"
"How do you feel? With your arms behind your back, having to resist the urge to touch yourself."
"I hate it."
"Oh, you poor little thing. You could if you wanted to, you're not tied up. Yet you're being so good, so obedient, all for me."
"Please," Light whimpers again.
"Oh, I see now. Yes, I see. It's the praise you like, hm?"
"What do you want me to tell you, Kitten?"
"Ah, don't call me that!"
"But you are just like a cute, innocent, little kitten, aren't you?"
"Whatever you say, my Kitten. Oh, look at you...you're so hard and I'm not even touching you. Are my words alone really affecting you this much?"
"I just need to cum, please let me..."
"I told you what to do if you want me to let you do that. Beg."
"Please, please, please, please, I want to cum!"
"Good boy. Keep that up."
"I wan...I want to touch myself, or...have you touch me."
"You'd be that good for me? You'd let me get you off?"
"Yes, please do that!"
L draws nearer,
"You want that?" He whispers softly into Light’s ear, a hand on his thigh.
"I want it so bad."
L chuckles ever so slightly, then pulls away from Light's ear, looking him straight in the eye, their faces mere inches apart.
"You're so desperate right now."
"Please, give me more."
"Why do you deserve it?"
"Because I'm being a really good boy for you, and doing exactly as you ask an-" Light's own laboured breathing cuts him off.
"I never asked you to stop talking."
"I-I want to touch myself so badly right now, and I can but I'm not, I'm not! Am I not being good for you? As you've asked?" Somewhere during that sentence Light had grabbed onto the back of L's neck again, pulling their faces closer together, foreheads touching.
"I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this worked up..."
"Ah, you need to learn, Light."
"What must I learn?"
"That I'm not so easy." L pulls Light's hands away from the back of his neck and holds his wrists to the floor, "I’m not going to let you get off tonight."
"What do you mean‽"
"You still have so much to learn."
"Please, don't do this, just let me get off!"
"You need to learn, my Kitten, to obey me. I love how you’re begging like this, but you fight whenever I try to please you."
"I'm not fighting, I promise, I'm not!"
"Stop squirming, compose yourself. Think back, before today you have never once obeyed me. That is going to change."
"I-I'm doing as you say, I have been this entire time-"
"Will you shut your mouth and listen to me?!” L loses his temper, but catches himself, and immediately returns to his deceptive and honey-tongued demeanour, “Prior to today, you did nothing of the sort. You must be punished for your defiance, Light. For the next few days, I’m not going to allow you to get off."
"N-no, please don't do this to me, I-"
"I'll let you get off again once you learn to do as I say, Kitten."
L sighs in exasperation. This boy can be such hard work.
"Let me take you to bed, Pet. You’ll feel better with a night’s rest."
L releases Light’s wrists, and wraps his arms around Light’s back. Light eagerly reciprocates, pulling L into a tight embrace. L isn’t expecting it, but he does not resist, for he knows how much Light craves these gentle interactions. Simple and sweet interactions he has been so starved of.
“Consider this your reward,” L says in a hushed voice, with an affectation of affection.
“My reward for what?” Light murmurs with bated breath.
“For being a good boy.”
“I never want to be bad again,” He nestles up to L, head on his shoulder, “I promise I’ll be good from now on.”
“You best not be making empty promises, Dear.”
“I’m going to be so good for you.”
“Do you want to know what I will do if I find out you’re lying to me, Light?”
“Will you make me beg again?”
“Certainly. But that won’t be your punishment.”
“Tell me what you’ll do,” Light’s breath hitches again, stinging lust still plaguing his body.
“I will hurt you.” An empty threat, but a threat nonetheless.
“Will you bite me again?”
“If you misbehave, I might.”
“Am I misbehaving right now?”
“No, no. You’re being good.”
“I like it when you tell me I’m being good…”
“You don’t receive much praise, do you?”
“When I do, it’s always about how intelligent I am.”
“I think you have such beautiful eyes.”
“Would you like to know what else I think?”
“Tell me.” He digs his nails into L’s back, resisting the overwhelming urges to touch himself.
“Ask nicely,” L changes his tone, magisterial and mellifluent.
“Could you tell me, please?”
“You’re being such a good boy, begging for me like this. So servile, so deferential, you’re learning so quickly.”
L catches Light mewl slightly.
Oh, this is child’s play, he muses.
“I think you are adorable.”
“Is that good?”
“Clueless child, of course it’s good.”
“I like being good.”
“Why is that?”
“Because...you said, if I’m really good for you, then you’ll let me cum.”
“That’s all you want?”
“Want to be touched…”
“Where would you like me to touch you?”
“Haven’t I already told you that I’m not as easy as you think?”
“Please, I can’t...I can’t focus on anything else, I have to…”
“You will, eventually.”
“You don’t get to make orders, not whilst you’re with me.”
“You can’t do this to me.”
“I can and I am. Learn how to better control yourself.”
“Won’t you teach me?”
“I am trying to!”
“Please, I beg of you, let me get off tonight.”
“I have made my intentions very clear.”
“You’re so cruel.”
“Come to bed, Light.”
L suddenly stands, which startles Light, who stumbles a little. He would have fallen if he wasn’t still clutching L. In a brief moment, L grabs the back of Light’s upper thighs and picks him up,
“Put me down,” Light retaliates with simple words, not giving any proper effort to fight him off.
“It’s okay, you weigh next to nothing,” L makes an attempt to sound reassuring, surreptitiously playing into Light’s insecurities.
Light simply whines, and ensconces himself against L’s torso. L tries to ignore the sensation of Light’s hard cock against his lower abdomen, the thin fabric of their clothes standing as the only barrier. Maintaining poise, he carries Light into the bedroom, managing with not too much difficulty to take the key out of his back pocket to unlock the door, then lock it behind them, and then turn on the light. They reach the bed, and L softly lies Light down on top of the duvet. Light, with arrant despair, assumes the fetal position. He whimpers again and clutches the duvet as he watches L retrieve his laptop. L crouches beside Light on the bed, and starts his laptop up.
Light is annoyed at not being given the attention that he wants.
He tugs at their chain, a gesture that L finds incredibly puerile. L sighs, and makes eye contact with the child.
“Please?” Light bats his sable eyelashes and shyly crosses his legs at the knees.
“Go to sleep, Dearest.”
“But I’m still in my clothes, and I have my makeup on.”
“Well, we best fix that.”
“I think we ought to.”
L sets his laptop aside, and stands up. Adopting Light’s gesture, he tugs at the chain slightly, to encourage Light to also get up. After some reluctance, Light gets up, clasps his right wrist with his left hand, and walks over to his elder. He stares up at L with unadulterated hope and an inviting sparkle in his embellished eyes, maquillage unable to conceal his roseate cheeks. L cannot help but stare right back.
Self-restraint becomes exceedingly difficult for him to hold onto when Light gives him those bedroom eyes.
Suppressing indelicate desires, he blinks, and briefly averts eye contact.
He addresses his younger, whose breath falters the second he hears his name spoken. An action that L finds rather droll at first, but he soon comes to his senses and dismisses it as meretricious dross. Natheless, his stratagem must recommence. He raises his left hand and cups Light’s right cheek with it, the stark difference in temperature surprising him. Light immediately responds to the physical contact, grabbing the hand on his cheek, eyes frantically studying L’s countenance.
“Calm yourself down, child.”
“Won’t you please let me…?”
“Your predicament will fade with time. Believe me when I say that this is good, for you are learning how to better control yourself.”
“It’s for my own good?”
“Exactly, Dear. Now, come into the bathroom, you have to get ready for bed.”
“If I must.”
“Will you sleep tonight?”
“No, I don’t plan on doing so.”
“I am far too busy. You know how much work I have to do.”
“I get worried about you, you know.”
“Why ever so?”
“You must sleep more, and stop overworking yourself.”
“I don’t overwork myself.”
L takes his hand away from his younger’s cheek, but Light is quick to grab it again. He locks his fingers around L’s, holding his hand, expecting his elder to respond. But he doesn’t, keeping his fingers outstretched. Light squeezes his hand in an attempt to encourage him, only for L to pry his hand away and start walking towards the bathroom. Disheartened, Light follows him.
L turns on the light, and leans against the wall. Light takes a few more steps and leans against the sink, opening the cupboard overhead and pulling out L’s toothbrush and the toothpaste, which he hands to L, as is by now quotidian.
When L is done brushing his teeth and Light is halfway through removing his makeup, L asks an unusual question.
“Does Amane-san know of your sexual preferences?”
“I have a theory.”
“You’re theorising about my sexuality?”
“Answer my question.”
“No, she does not know.”
“You do not seem to have a healthy relationship with her.”
“Of course it’s a healthy relationship!”
“I would wager that you feel no attraction to her whatsoever.”
“What would you know about relationships‽”
“Quite a bit, actually.”
“You feel...attraction to people?”
“Of course. I am only human.”
“You are quite the same, no?”
“I knew you’d figured me out a long time ago.”
“Thank you for confirming my theory.”
“Thank you for confirming my theory.”
“Wait, run your theory by me again?”
“I think you know exactly what my theory was. It is getting late, you should not delay any longer, for you need sleep.”
“Says the guy who accosted me the second he had me behind a locked door…”
“Don’t be cheeky.”
“I’m not being cheeky, it’s what happened! If that’s not robbing me of my valuable sleep then I don’t know what is.”
“Light, I am being lenient now. I understand that you are frustrated, but we don’t have all night. Wipe off your makeup and brush your teeth, we should have long since retired.”
“And whose fault is that, I wonder?”
“If you don’t want me to ‘accost’ you, as you so aptly put it, then put up a proper fight. I thought you wanted this.”
“You held me to the mattress and threatened me with death! Why would I ever want such a thing?”
“You told me you liked that! You let me kiss you, Light. You told me you liked that, too. You quite explicitly told me, not ten minutes ago, that you wanted me to touch you. Do you see how this looks to me, Dear?”
“...Yes, I see. Is it wrong?”
“How I feel about this.”
“How do you feel about this?”
“I don’t know. Honestly, I’ve no clue.”
“You are confused. That much you must already know by now, for I have told you before.”
“Yes, but do you think it’s wrong? That I’m confused, I mean.”
“Truthfully, no. You are young, this is natural.”
“How old are you?”
“How old are you, Ryuzaki?”
“Much too old to be cavorting with a child such as yourself.”
“I admire your wisdom.”
“You too shall possess such qualities given enough time.”
“What is it? You may tell me.”
“Nothing. Drop it.”
“Was it something I said?”
“It’s more like everything you say…”
“What about my manner of speech?”
“Shut up! Hearing your voice does not-” He cuts himself off before he can say something stupid.
“...Does not what?”
“I don’t appreciate your tone.”
“I don’t appreciate yours!”
This boy needs to be put in his place, L thinks. He really should show him. He wants to show him.
But, not yet. No, it is far too early for that. Refraining from taking any drastic and malapropos measures, he suppresses his ire, and speaks in a calm voice.
“We are approaching 12 AM and must rise at 6.”
“Which is why you should shut your mouth.”
“I don’t take orders.”
“It was a suggestion, actually.”
“Ask nicely and maybe I will take your suggestion into account.”
“Please, can you be quiet? You are rather distracting.”
“See - that wasn’t difficult, was it?”
L replies in a hushed voice, with a hint of sarcasm, complying with Light’s request. Light himself responds to L’s snide question with a dirty look, then goes back to removing his makeup. The brat is awfully tetchy tonight, belike because he hasn’t been given what he so badly wants. A mollycoddled child, he mustn’t be used to punishment. He shall have to adapt. No doubt, that will be tough for him. Oh, well, things are moving along nicely. L had not foreseen that he would have Light on his knees and begging so soon. It is almost pitiful, how easy it is to manipulate him. It is almost pitiful, how easy it is for L to bend him to his will.
Because L feels no pity for murderers.
I cried while writing this chapter. Multiple times.
TW: graphic(?) depictions of self-induced vomiting
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
The next day was going smoothly.
That is until their lunch break.
While the other members of the Task Force are enjoying their meals in the dining room, L and Light are alone in the adjacent kitchen.
“Light-kun must eat.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“That matters not. Light-kun must eat something today.”
“I don’t feel like it, I’m not hungry!”
“You’re lying to me, Light.” L slips out of character, lowering his voice to eliminate any risk of being heard by the Task Force.
“I’m not lying.”
L sighs, then moves closer to Light. Light is about to take a step backwards, when L utters another order,
As soon as Light opens his mouth to talk, a sweet taste hits his tongue. His eyes widen a little as he realises that L has placed two mini marshmallows into his mouth. L’s fingertips brush across the tip of Light’s tongue and his lips as he removes them. They trail downwards to Light’s chin, where they push, forcing Light’s mouth shut.
“Chew,” L commands sotto voce.
Light defies him, hiding the marshmallows under his tongue, not wanting to taste the sugar any longer, already feeling slightly queasy from the feeling of his own saliva on his chin.
They stare each other down.
L understands that he’s going to have to get aggressive. He steps forward, leaving Light with no choice but to step backwards. This continues until Light’s back hits a counter, which he grabs onto for support.
“Chew,” L repeats in an authoritative tone, though his voice is still barely above a whisper.
Light refuses again, shaking his head. L edges closer, grabbing onto the counter and pushing his body against Light’s, their faces scarcely an inch apart. Light panics, and pushes himself up onto the counter, creating unwanted friction as he does so, and scurries away from L until his back hits the tiles of the wall behind him.
L is unsure whether Light’s prominent blush is the result of embarrassment, or if he is merely flustered.
“Chew the food and swallow it. You must eat.”
Light finds that L’s voice sounds gentler than usual. Still, he refuses to follow L’s orders, shaking his head yet again.
L knows that he has no further choice. There is no other way to get this petulant boy to obey him.
He leans in closer to Light, who is still sat atop the counter, and wraps his arms around his back, pulling him away from the wall. Light tries to resist it, but finds that the only area where he is able to place his hands is L’s back, with their torsos pressed together like this. He squirms, feeling L’s hot breath tickle his ear, blushing so hard he is able to feel the warmth in his cheeks. As soon as L lays the first kiss on his neck, his eyes dart towards the half-open kitchen door - anyone could walk in! His heart feels like it’s about ready to pound right out of his chest as L continues to kiss him, he’s sure that L is able to feel his racing pulse when he’s licking at the skin atop his jugular. Light grabs onto the counter again, the collision making far too much noise for his liking, and bites his bottom lip.
The hushed sound of L’s lips pecking at Light’s neck permeates the silent kitchen. Panic and familiar, aching arousal fills Light’s body.
Light exhales harshly, biting back a whimper. In turn, L bites down into his delicate flesh. Light cannot hold the resulting cry back, though it’s not as loud as it could have been, as his lips are pursed together. He cannot speak properly for the marshmallows under his tongue, so he writhes in an attempt to get L to stop. This seems to work, as L’s lips leave his neck, and soon after, L is looking him in the eye again.
“I will stop if you swallow what I’ve given you.”
Light shakes his head again. He is utterly hellbent on not eating today, he must punish himself for the way he acted last night. So meek, so pitiful, he deserves every single hunger pang. Besides, waking up thinner and one step closer to perfection is worth all the pain.
“For how long do you intend to disobey me?”
L raises his voice, threatening to become audible to those in the dining room. Light’s already racing heart palpitates, yet even so, he refuses to lose control over himself. Given recent events, he just wants to feel in control of his own body again. Although his body wants nothing more than to be satisfied, he won’t let himself give in to these salacious desires. Although his stomach aches and begs him to indulge and to gorge himself on every morsel of food he can find, he won’t let himself give in to these shameful desires.
“So, you were lying to me last night, after all. I think that warrants punishment.”
Light moves the sickly and sticky sweets from under his tongue to the inside of his right cheek so he can reply,
“Punish me all you like.”
“Right now? Here?”
“I deserve it.”
“How would you like me to punish you?”
“Let me starve.”
“You really must eat, Light.”
“I will keep you here until you swallow that food. Do you really want everyone to walk in and see you in your current state?”
“Especially your father. What would he think if he saw you like this?” His voice fades back to a whisper, “Sat here in my embrace...I can feel how hard you are, you know. It surprises me that you still have blood left in your cheeks.”
“Stop it,” Light hisses as quiet as he can.
“We’ve been here for a good while, actually. It is quite fortunate that nobody has walked in to see what we’re up to yet.”
Light ponders on the idea for a little while, then hesitantly begins to chew the marshmallows in his mouth. The nauseating taste of pure sugar dominates his mouth, so he quickly swallows the sweets, breaking his fast.
Guilt almost instantly consumes him.
To make sure he isn’t faking, L forces Light’s mouth open with two fingers.
Light mentally scolds himself after realising that he’s made a noise that can no doubt be heard from the adjacent room.
When it becomes apparent that Light has swallowed the sweets, L removes his fingers and Light presses his lips together again.
“Good boy,” L whispers.
A twinge of excitement runs through Light’s body at even the simplest form of praise, and he shudders.
“I can’t go back to work in this state…”
“I know, Dear.”
“Well, what do you propose?”
“Would you like for me to take you back to our room?”
“Some privacy would be nice.”
“I shall assume that’s a yes, then. Wrap your legs around me.”
“Do as you’re told.”
Light only delays for a few seconds, and then acquiesces, wrapping his legs around L’s hips. L picks him up, and he folds his arms around L’s back so he won’t fall.
“What are you doing‽”
Light whisper-shouts, but L does not respond. Though Light had thought it impossible, he feels his cheeks get even hotter as L carries him into the dining room, where they meet with the Task Force.
All eyes are on them.
“Ryuzaki, what are you doing with my son!?”
“Forgive me, Yagami-san. Light-kun has fallen ill and is therefore unable to walk, so I took the liberty of carrying him. He must rest.”
Sheer shock on his face, Souichirou stands up from his chair and hurriedly walks over to L and Light.
“Is it serious? Should I call my wife? He does look very hot…”
“Tou-san,” Light takes his mouth away from L’s shoulder to speak, voice noticeably breathy with desire and shaky with embarrassment, “I’ll be fine, I just need rest. Ryuzaki and Watari will take good care of me.”
“If you’re unable to walk, it must be serious! Ryuzaki, are you sure he doesn’t need to be in the hospital right now?”
“I am positive, Yagami-san. Light-kun shall surely recover within the next twenty-four hours.”
“What’s the diagnosis?”
“I am currently uncertain, but Watari will let us know as soon as possible.”
“A sudden illness. How can we be sure it’s not Kira?”
The rest of the Task Force gasp.
“Chief, you gotta be kidding!” Matsuda, inevitably, chimes in.
“I am almost certain that it is not Kira, it rather seems much more likely to be a simple twenty-four-hour bug. Now, if you will please excuse us, rest is vital for Light-kun’s recovery.”
Not wanting to dig himself further into a hole, L takes his leave, a flustered and uncomfortably aroused Light still clinging to him. As he walks out of the door, a voice calls out,
“Get well soon, Light-kun!!”
Light doesn’t bother responding to Matsuda. Though, he eventually speaks up, as L carries him into the office.
“You humiliated me like that on purpose, didn’t you?”
“It was necessary,” L responds in a calm voice, inexplicably impassive.
Light thinks about making a snarky comment, but decides against it, suppressing the urge to punch L in the face for what he just did. He sighs, resting his head against L’s shoulder now that they are alone again, and closes his eyes. He briefly wonders why he’s done this, then puts it down to how worked up he is. Of course he craves attention from another man right now, he thinks, it’s only natural.
L tries to pay Light no heed, even as he feels sharp fingernails digging into his back and a head heavy against his shoulder. He grabs a bag of sweets from next to his computer, for he needs to get the taste of makeup off of his tongue. Babe still in arms, he heads for the lift.
Once inside the lift, L releases Light from his hold, letting him stand. Light immediately turns around to face a wall.
“I am so unbelievably embarrassed.”
“You brought it upon yourself,” L replies through mouthfuls of chocolate.
“Had you not denied me any sort of physical pleasure last night then I would not be in this state right now!”
“Light, turn around.”
“Either turn around yourself, or I shall make you.”
“I’m not turning around. Don’t want to look at your stupid face.”
L snarls under his breath in a language that Light cannot understand. He gets the feeling that he has just been insulted. Suddenly, a hand grabs his shoulder and he flinches, before he finds himself pinned against the wall.
He’s fed up of this by now.
“Can you not just keep your hand-”
Light is cut off by L’s lips crashing against his own. Momentarily, he thinks about biting L’s lips off to give him a taste of his own medicine, but comes to the conclusion that he probably shouldn’t, for L might bite back just as hard. Caving in, he closes his eyes and kisses back, yet again unable to resist salacity. Surprised by Light’s fervour, L licks at his bottom lip, wanting to gain access. However, it is soon apparent to him that Light either doesn’t understand, or doesn’t want L’s tongue in his mouth. L reckons it’s the former, as Light is so very obviously untrained in the art of kissing. No matter, he shall train him. L forces his tongue into Light’s mouth, and Light barely has any time to react before he notices that something else, something other than a tongue, has been slipped into his mouth. Something overly saccharine and undoubtedly calorific. L breaks the kiss and pulls away, a smirk on his face.
It was a trap, Light realises. All a ploy to force him to eat again.
Chocolate, he discerns. Feeling like he might be sick, he places a hand over his mouth.
“You know what I want you to do, Light.”
Light refuses, shaking his head again. He’s not eating any more, especially not something this rich in fat and sugar. As the sweet is much too big to comfortably place under his tongue, Light is forced to keep it on his tastebuds. He feels dizzy, though he’s not sure whether it’s the result of hunger, disgust from being force-fed, or arousal.
“I will add one more day to your punishment if you don’t eat. Is that really what you want? To be sexually unfulfilled for another four days?”
In disbelief, Light holds four fingers up, making sure he heard correctly.
“One day for each time you have dug your stubborn little heels into the ground and disobeyed my orders.”
L is right. Light has resisted thrice so far. He sighs and fixes his eyes upon the ground, remembering the promise he made last night. A stupid and spontaneous promise he’d made whilst his mind was clouded with licentiousness.
“Make your decision, Light.”
Light looks up when he hears L's voice.
“You either eat what I’ve given you, or you go an extra day without getting off. I beseech you to have a nice, long think about which you would prefer.”
Light does not have to think for very long. They reach their floor, and the lift doors open. Light takes a brief look outside, and then takes his hand away from his mouth so L can see him chew. It’s chocolate-coated fudge that L’s given him, Light easily recognises the taste. Odious. So fattening, how the hell can L eat this all the time and still look so good‽ Not fair at all, Light thinks, he feels like he’ll gain weight from just the sight of fudge. That doesn’t stop him from stuffing himself with it on his bad nights, though. He chews until the confectionary is a thick liquid, and then swallows.
“Open your mouth.”
Light does as he’s told, proving to L that he has swallowed it.
“See, you can be good for me. You are so needlessly stubborn.”
“You know I have a problem, Ryuzaki,”
Light spits out his words, sending a cold gaze in L’s direction. L stares for some seconds, unable to think of a response for once. He then tugs at the chain, startling his younger, and hastily walks out of the lift. Light follows behind, trying to keep up with L, who is using the chain like a lead for a dog, keeping Light at arm’s length. Light feels somewhat dehumanised, not having envisaged that his nickname of “Pet” would be taken literally. He bows his head, discouraged and diffident. He surmises that he really is worthless, no longer worthy of human respect now that he’s eaten.
When they are both inside their sitting room, L takes the key out of his back pocket and locks the door. They walk across the room, to their bedroom door, which L begins to unlock, using another key.
Light begins, but L doesn’t even send a glance in his direction. No acknowledgement whatsoever. Once L unlocks the door, he opens it and rushes inside, again startling Light by how fast he moves.
Light speaks again, whilst being dragged across the room by L. They stop near the bedside, and L crouches down to retrieve his laptop from under the bed.
“I-I think I can go back to work now, my...condition has mostly diminished.”
“Light-kun is ill, remember.”
So, L’s back to referring to him in the third person now. Seldom does he do so when they’re alone.
He must be mad at me, Light concludes.
L, laptop in one hand, sweets in the other, stands upright again, and begins to walk back towards the sitting room. Light notices that not only is he avoiding conversation, but eye contact, too. He must be really, really mad, Light thinks. Light hangs his head again and follows L, taking a seat next to him on the couch.
Whilst L starts up his laptop to continue his work, Light twiddles his thumbs. He has to find a way to get rid of the filth in his stomach. The hollow promise he’d made to L last weekend doesn’t matter to him, he knew from the second he made it that he’d break it given time.
He’s too far gone.
Just a few more minutes, and then he’ll ask. It’ll seem suspicious if he asks right away. Though, he does want it all gone as soon as possible, far too much fat and sugar, he’ll definitely gain weight if he doesn’t bring it back up. He takes a deep breath, giving himself twenty minutes at most. Any longer and he fears that his body will have absorbed too many calories, so there will be no point in him bringing it all back up. He still can’t believe that he made concessions and agreed to eat. Oh, well. It’ll all be fine once he purges, then he won’t have anything left inside and he can regain at least some of the control he feels he’s lost to L. He’ll be empty and pure again, in complete control. All he must do is wait.
And wait he does.
A watchful eye on the clock, thirteen minutes pass before the guilt becomes unbearable. L permits him to use the bathroom, though is still giving him the silent treatment. Light positions the chain so it’s passing through the gap under the bathroom door, then shuts and locks the door behind him. With perfectly practised quiet footsteps, he strides forward, and sinks to his knees. Taking a few deep breaths, he studies his knuckles. Only old scars and a few marks from last weekend that are near healed. He must be careful not to worsen them. He has not much to get rid of, so he should not bleed. Delaying no longer, he leans over the toilet. He opens his mouth, and slips his right index and middle fingers inside, shoving them as deep into his throat as they can go. From the second they hit his gag reflex, a twisted feeling of euphoria fills him. How he’s missed this. Gagging for the first time, he habitually bites into his knuckles, but soon realises his mistake and lets his mouth hang open again. He must avoid detection, that means no biting. It takes him a good ten seconds of stimulating his gag reflex before any vomit comes up - a small amount, acidic tasting, brown in colour, and easy to bring up. Light’s first victory of the day. Careful not to make any loud noises, he continues, vision blurring as his eyes water, more vomit coming up, hitting the back of his teeth before dripping into the water below. His fingers will be filthy by the end of this, but he knows that it’s all worth it, for he will have atoned for his deplorable sins. The third time he vomits, he lets out a choked cry, his tear-brimmed eyes squeezing shut. Panic sets in as his heart begins to race, and he opens his eyes as he tastes acid once again. Undeterred, he does not give up, for his stomach is not yet empty. Being empty feels so nice. Being empty is being in control, being empty is being able to become perfect. Empty is comforting, empty is pure. With every bit of filth he rids himself of, he feels more and more elated, more and more in control. L controls nothing about this. He never has and never can or will. This is something only Light himself can control. Though he pules, he will not stop, he will cleanse himself of all this horrible guilt. It is only natural to want to rid oneself of unwanted feelings. Once all the confectionary comes up, pure acid fills his mouth, burning him. This is the part he hates. But it is of no matter.
Temporary pain is worth feeling and looking so damn good.
The pain stings, and the taste is far from pleasant; Light shuts his eyes and tries to get it over with. This is the last bit, all that remains in his stomach. The last bit he has to bring up, the final bit of filth, all that’s preventing him from reaching his goals. All that stands between him and perfection. Yellowish liquid runs down his fingers and singes his tongue, until it all comes to a halt. Light opens his eyes again, that twisted euphoria now stronger than ever. No matter how hard he tries, no matter how much he probes at his gag reflex, no matter how deep he jams his fingers down into his throat - nothing else comes up. He’s left gagging on air.
Complacent, he removes his saliva and vomit soaked fingers from his mouth, and smiles to himself. He’s done it. Yet again.
Now, for the cleanup.
Taking some toilet roll, he wipes the fluid off of his fingers, and throws the dirtied paper in with his vomit. Finding no trace of what he’s done on his knuckles satisfies him further. Although having his mouth wide open did let a lot more noise escape, it was a necessary sacrifice, since L checks his knuckles every time he leaves the bathroom. Dizzy, he stands, and flushes everything away. He doesn’t think he spent too long, he had not too much to bring up. On bad nights, he has to spend upwards of an hour getting rid of it all. But he hasn’t had a chance to have a bad night lately, what with his confinement and the current situation. L definitely won’t ever allow him to binge, which he thinks is an overall good thing, as that leaves him feeling a lot worse than guilty. He sniffs, his nose running a little bit, and steps over to the sink. After turning the tap on, he slathers his hands in a copious amount of soap, not wanting to chance smelling of vomit. When he’s rinsed the soap off and dried his hands, he looks in the mirror. His eyes are an angry red and his makeup is smudged, no surprise. Other than that, he doesn’t notice any other obvious indicators of what he’s just done. Well, he thinks he best fix his makeup. Bloodshot eyes will disappear with time. Opening the cupboard overhead, he grabs the makeup wipes and gets to work. Black makeup is always the hardest to wipe off, he’s going to have to spend a lot longer in here than he originally planned. While wiping his eyeliner off, he wonders whether or not he should brush his teeth again. No, L will definitely hear that, and then he’ll figure out what he’s done. Such a small amount of acid isn’t going to damage his teeth, he thinks. He doesn’t purge often enough to cause himself severe damage, he thinks. There was a time, just before his confinement, when he did it at least once a day, and here he is - mostly unharmed and healthy enough. He once did it five times in one night, and here he is - mostly unharmed, healthy enough, and thinner than he’s ever been before.
Alarmed, he jumps at the sound of his name being called, so rudely pulled away from his obsessive thoughts. Before replying, he clears his throat.
“Are you quite alright?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“What are you doing?”
“Just fixing my makeup, I’ll be out in a minute!”
L does not respond. Light sighs deeply, still feeling on edge. He mustn’t suspect anything. Hell knows what’ll happen if he finds out. More punishment, probably.
After meticulously reapplying his eyeliner and mascara, the whites of Light’s eyes are still slightly red. Though he’s looked for eye drops in the cupboard, there doesn’t seem to be any there. He hopes L won’t notice. Drawing in another deep breath, he holds his head high and unlocks the bathroom door. Opening the door, he comes face to face with L. With ersatz aplomb, he gives his elder a smile. Unsurprisingly, L does not smile back. Instead, he leers at Light with gelid grey eyes, examining every facial feature. It does not take him long to notice the redness of Light’s eyes and cheeks.
“Show me your knuckles.”
Light proudly presents L with the backs of his hands, which are indeed free of blood and recent teeth marks. But L is far from stupid. Letting go of his younger’s hands, L makes eye contact with him.
“You have broken your promise.”
“You promised me you would stop purging. Surely, you remember?”
“I haven’t purged.”
“Lying little brat.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I used the bathroom as normal.”
“Do you take me for a fool?”
“Not at all.”
“One more day.”
“That’s ridiculous, I haven’t done anything to deserve it!”
“I trusted you. I should’ve realised you were lying to me.”
“I promise you, I’m not lying. You’ve seen my knuckles. Had I done anything, they would be bleeding by now, believe me.”
“More empty promises?”
“They’re not empty! I’m telling the truth, you know I am.”
“I had faith in you, Light. What do you think you deserve for betraying my trust?”
“Have you not already assigned me a punishment?”
“I rather think you deserve something more.”
L takes a few seconds to think, then, for the third time today, Light finds himself backed against a wall.
“Don’t touch me,” Light says through gritted teeth, as L leans in too close.
“Don’t tell me what to do,” L growls back, slipping a hand up Light’s shirt.
Light flinches at the coldness of L’s fingers against his bare skin. With chagrin, he grabs L’s wrist and forces his hand away.
“Please, can you keep your hands to yourself?”
“I can. But, I don’t think I will.”
He brings the same hand to Light’s mandible, slowly running his fingertips along his jawline, stopping at his chin to lift his head up slightly, so he can get a better look at him.
Light says in a firm voice as he, again, pushes L’s hand away. He’s not being coy this time around, and L knows it. But, having broken a promise, Light’s punishment is justified, in L’s eyes. Ignoring his younger's request, L slips his hand up Light’s shirt again.
“Stop touching me!” Light very nearly yells, while pushing L’s hand away again.
“Were you not begging for this last night?”
“Leave me alone. I don’t want this.”
“You do. You know you do.”
“The only thing I want is for you to stop pawing at me, get it through your head already!”
“Would you prefer me to use my lips?”
By the time Light responds, L is already planting kisses on his neck. Light juts his right shoulder up in resistance, and shoves L away, scampering as far away from him as he can get.
The baleful look in L’s eyes frightens Light.
He gulps, as L hastens towards him, and takes a nervous step backwards. Before he has any time to react, L tackles him to the floor, grabs the right side of his face, and kisses him roughly. Light tries to vocalise his unwillingness, though the word is muffled by lips and made unclear. He pushes his hands against L’s chest, trying his hardest to fight him off, but he doesn’t budge. Perturbed, Light hears own his heart pounding, beginning to think of the worst possible outcomes of this situation. What if L doesn’t hold back this time? What if this is how Light will lose his innocence? He most definitely does not want it to be like this, he’s nowhere near ready! Remembering an earlier thought, he determines that there is no further options, and bites down hard on L’s lower lip in self-defence. L’s eyes shoot open, and he groans into Light’s mouth. He quickly pulls away, glaring at Light with a mixture of contempt and shock. Light glares right back with the same amount of contempt filling his wide eyes.
“You are very lucky that I have self-control.”
L growls before standing suddenly, and rushing towards the nearest door. Light is not given an opportunity to regain his footing, finding himself dragged across the floor due to the chain. L opens the bathroom door and flounces inside, slamming it shut and locking it behind him.
Not having the strength to sit up, Light rests his head on the carpet, lying down on his side. He shouldn’t have bothered redoing his makeup; these tears are only going to ruin it again.
L is not sure how much time has passed, but he feels as though he has calmed down by now. Had he not locked himself away he fears he could have taken his anger out on his surroundings, and he is not usually one to feel such a way. Criminals really bring out the worst in him. Having regained his poise, he turns around, and unlocks the bathroom door. He opens it partially, and finds that there is something in the way, preventing it from opening further. Bemused, he only just manages to slip through the gap.
Oh, that’s what it is. Or, rather, who it is.
Light looks a mess, mascara running down his cheeks. Must have been weeping. L didn’t hear him crying, he wonders if his younger has practice concealing the sound. Carefully, he takes a step forward, then crouches beside the boy. He makes an attempt to take Light’s tremulous hands in his, but Light almost instantly pulls them away. Putting on a hurt facial expression, L speaks,
“You are frightened of me.”
Light simply gulps in reply, evidently in the midst of a swivet.
“Don’t be frightened of me, please.”
Light is perplexed by L’s tone of voice. It doesn’t seem like him at all.
“Come on, stand up.”
L offers Light his hands, which he hesitantly takes, and they both stand upright. Though, Light is still very wary. L can tell, as he is shaking so violently. He tries to put an arm around Light’s back, but is met with resistance, Light backing away.
“It’s okay, I’m not going to hurt you.”
Ah, déjà vu. Light’s heard that before. Even though L was telling the truth that night, Light’s no longer so sure of his sincerity. L tries again to snake an arm around his younger’s back, but Light shys away again, seeming uncharacteristically anxious.
“Trust me. I will never hurt you.”
“You just did,” Light finally speaks, voice quivering just as much as his hands.
“I’m sorry,” L replies, making himself sound every bit as upset, “I’m so sorry. Believe me, I truly am.”
Light shakes his head in response. He doesn’t think he can ever trust L.
“Please, have some faith in me, as I have faith in you. I promise I won’t hurt you. You know how much I believe in keeping promises.”
He takes L’s words into account, biting his tongue to prevent himself from choking up again. He must not show such weakness in front of others. This third time, he doesn’t run away as L puts his arm around his back. Though, he does prepare to attack, should L try anything lubricious. To Light’s surprise, L walks, leading him towards the bed. Light’s steps are stiff and lacking fluidity, he’s not sure he likes where this is going. He’s probably going to be held down there as L has his lickerish way with him. With this thought, Light scutters away, breaking L’s hold on him. In an unwonted state of uneasiness, he hyperventilates again. Sensing Light’s fear, L speaks up.
“Sit,” He says, trying to sound as gentle and encouraging as he can, gesturing to the bed.
Light shakes his head, obstinate, subconsciously crossing his arms over his abdomen.
“Please, sit. We need to talk.”
“We can talk like this.” Light tries to sound assertive, but his trembling voice makes it painfully obvious that he is struggling to hold back tears.
“We can’t. You need to relax and calm down.”
“Calm down? What, because you think I’m mad‽ Because you reckon I’m a crazed mass murderer‽”
“Dear, you would understand if you could see yourself. You are quite clearly in severe distress.”
“I’m not mad!”
“I never alleged that you were.”
“Come here.” He stands with open arms, beckoning for Light to come nearer, “Come here, you’re not okay.”
Light feels wetness against his cheeks, whimpering in his disquietude. Kind words and the promise of comfort are so hard for him to resist, he thinks it so unfair. L sounds so genuine, but Light knows he shouldn’t trust him, for he will only end up defiled and ashamed.
It is not like L to be this reverent. Perhaps he truly is being sincere, and only wishes to offer Light comfort. He has done so before. Not everything about this relationship is sexual, at least in Light’s eyes. Though, he doesn’t want to risk it. Ambivalence prompts him to settle for a compromise.
“Promise you won’t hurt me,” He bleats, tears still streaming down.
“I swear to you.”
“If you dare hurt me, I will reveal your identity.”
This threat alone makes L raise the chance of Light being Kira to 7%.
“Blackmail won't get you anywhere, Dear. I have no desire to harm you.”
Cautious, Light steps forward timidly. He walks right into L’s arms, soon being forced to sit, hands on his shoulders. Once he is seated on the edge of the bed, L joins him. Light often neglects to remember that L is capable of sitting normally. He’d shown Light that much the day he first confronted him about his eating disorder.
“Will you grant me permission to hold you?” L inquires,
“Please do,” Light replies through tears.
With faux amity and concern, L pulls Light closer, arms around his waist. Light rests his head against L’s shoulder, pursuing succour. He sighs, weeping still.
“Am I the unfortunate cause of your dolour?” L questions disingenuously,
“Yes,” Light answers honestly.
“I’m so sorry, Dear. What did I do to upset you?”
“Don’t touch me when I say no.”
“I usually do not do such disgraceful things, but I was saddened and angered by your actions. I know it was wrong of me, and I also know that, in all probability, you’re not going to forgive me for it.”
“Why can’t you just let me erase my guilt? It makes me feel so much better, and it won’t kill me.”
“You’re hurting yourself, Light. I don’t want to let that happen.”
“It only hurts a bit.”
“Do you know what can happen to you if you continue these behaviours?”
“Yes! I know what can happen. But nothing has happened yet, so, I’m fine.”
“Don’t think that way, Dear.”
“Why shouldn’t I?”
“It's delusional. If you continue to think like this, things will only get worse for you.”
“You mean you’ll hurt me even more if you catch me purging again.”
“No, Darling, no. I won’t hurt you, I promise I won’t. I’m so sorry for earlier, I lost my composure. It won’t happen again.”
“I just-” His words are interrupted by a bout of sobbing.
“Oh, I’m sorry, this is all my fault...”
L entwines his left hand among Light’s hair, pale fingers stroking soft locks. Light cries into L’s shoulder, staining his white shirt with black. He still doesn’t know what has come over him, but he’ll blame it on L. He’s the one who caused these horrible feelings. Light’s never felt so scared, never in his life. And yet, he remains in the culprit’s arms, all the while knowing he should deny these advances.
“I want,” He speaks, again cut off by his own sobs.
“Tell me what you want.” Though a command, it is not spoken in an imperious way.
“I just want you to listen to me.”
“Anything for you.”
“When I say no, you must listen to me.”
“Of course, Dear. I always listen to you.”
“This isn’t the first time. Remember that night after our fight? You didn’t stop until I yelled at you.”
“Yes, but that was one occasion. Remember everything else we’ve done? I have always listened to you.”
“Well, I suppose you have...”
“I am not a criminal, Light. I won’t do anything to you without your consent.”
“I hope you’re telling me the truth.”
“I never lie. Especially not to you, Darling.”
“That’s hard to believe.”
“Perhaps you lie too much.”
“No, no. Just food for thought, I’m being silly.”
“You know what I meant to tell you last night?”
“If you have not yet told me then how can I know?”
“You have a really nice voice.”
“Oh, how kind you are…”
“It’s the truth.”
“Your hair is very soft. Easy to run my fingers through.”
“I take care of it.”
“I can tell.”
“I’ve decided something.”
“Care to elaborate for me?”
“I don’t hate this.”
“You, holding me...your hand in my hair. It's actually rather comforting.”
“I know, Dear. Your tears stopped quite a while ago.”
“Can we do this more often?”
“It is not often enough for you?”
“I prefer this to your teasing.”
“You know what I mean. Kisses on the neck and other...indecent things.”
“I don’t mean to tease you, Dear.”
“What is your intent?”
“Right now, my only intent is to offer you some much-needed reassurance and positive attention.”
“I...appreciate it more than you think. Oh, I don’t know why I genuinely thought you were going to hurt me.”
“You were in distress, Darling. Entirely my fault, I didn’t respect your boundaries.”
“But you promise to from now on?”
“I promise. And, Light, can you promise me something, too?”
“Please, don’t make yourself sick. I hate to see you in pain.”
“...It will be hard to resist.”
“Are you aware of your beauty?”
“Evidently not.” A mordacious laugh escapes Light’s lips.
“How long is it going to take me to convince you that you are downright gorgeous?”
“Even if you do manage to convince me of my apparent beauty, you can never convince me to give up the little bit of self-control that I have.”
“There are other ways to gain self-control, my Dear. It is not necessary to starve yourself or make yourself sick.”
“You are learning right now.”
“What do you mean?”
“Abstaining from onanism. I was pleased with you last night, you were being so good for me, always keeping your hands where I could see them.”
“You think - it - demonstrates a lack of self-control?”
“I wouldn’t do such things in front of you, anyway.”
“Because you’re shy?”
“Because I don’t want to.”
“Of course. I respect that. I respect you.”
“I respect you, too.”
“I can’t ever think why.”
“I have always admired you.”
“Really, you are too kind, saying these things after all I’ve done to you…”
“Shut up about what happened earlier. I want to forget it for now.”
“Lay down with me.”
“You’d like that?”
“As you wish.”
Gently, with Light kept close, L lies down on his left side, his younger following suit. They face each other, and Light draws nearer, resting against L’s chest, arms around his back. He soon feels an arm snake around his own back, and fingers interweaving with his brunet locks. Sighing deeply, his breath catches in his throat. This is nice, so much better than L’s usual advances. He decides that, if these gentle and soothing behaviours are to continue, then he will accept the more lecherous and improper behaviours with good grace. After all, they usually bring him temporary pleasure. Nevermind the resulting frustration and pain. At least there won't be any pain henceforth, as L has assured him that he will no longer be hurt.
Though the sensible part of him knows he shouldn’t give L’s statements any credence, the rest of him is choosing to believe those comforting lies.
I want to punch L right in the fucking face and so should you
I really wish the English language had more punctuation...
I just wanna copy and paste love points :(
L makes sleeping a rare luxury, what with the amount of work he has to do.
For that reason, tonight is different, as he is finally attempting to get some shut-eye after three days of going without.
So, he is rather vexed when, as he is just starting to doze off, a certain boy to his right tries to get his attention.
“Ryuzaki?” Light initiates conversation, voice barely audible, “Are you awake?”
“Yes?” L opens his heavy eyelids, peering at his younger.
“Speak to me.”
“What do you wish to talk about?”
“Tonight is the last night...right?”
“The last night of your punishment, yes.”
“C-can you please shorten it? Just by one day?”
“Surely you can wait until morn arrives?”
“No, I don’t know.”
“I’m so horny.”
“Hands where I can see them,” He says after a sigh of frustration.
L doesn’t expect Light to close the, already short, distance between them with an amatory embrace. Their arms are soon around each other’s backs, and Light decides to be a little bold. He wraps both his own legs around L’s right leg, his cock pressing against his elder’s thigh.
“Is this good enough for you?” His voice is louder this time, and more malapert than it ought to be.
“You certainly weren’t lying...”
“Please, let me get off?”
“Tonight. I need it.”
“Have some self-control!” He almost laughs at how little restraint his younger possesses.
“You can feel how hard I am...”
“Your point is?”
“You can touch me if you want.”
“Go to sleep, Pet. It won’t be long for you to wait.”
“I can’t sleep, not like this.”
“And what do you want me to do about that?”
“Just let me cum...then I’ll be able to sleep.”
“Dear, be good for me, I know you can.”
L feels Light’s cock twitch at that request, and it affects him more than he would like it to.
“I’ll be really good, what must I do?”
“Calm yourself down, and go to sleep. Tomorrow is not far away.”
“Take your mind off of it. Talk to me about something else, Dear.”
“I can’t think about anything else.”
“What were you thinking about that got you so worked up?”
“You’ll be mad if I tell you...”
“I won’t, I promise.”
“...Do I have to be honest?”
“Good boys are honest.”
“I want to be good for you.”
“Then answer my question.”
“Fine...was thinking about you.”
“Yes, you, who else?”
“What makes you like me so much?”
“I don’t like you.”
“...But thinking about me gets you hard?”
“Thinking about the things you’ve done to me does.”
“Well, you...kissing my neck, saying lewd things to me…”
“And what else would you like me to do to you?”
“Right now, I want you to touch me.”
“Where would you like me to touch you?”
“You already know where.”
“No, I don’t. You haven’t told me.”
“You want me to get you off?”
“You know I cannot do that.”
“Why not?” He whines.
“Because you’ve misbehaved and are being punished.”
“I’m trying my best to be good for you.”
“I know you are, and you’re doing so well.”
Moaning quietly, Light juts his hips forward, bare legs squeezing tighter around blue denim. One of L’s hands leaves Light’s back, and makes its way downwards to rest on Light’s hip, keeping him in place with a firm grip.
“Don’t squirm,” L says, increasingly uncomfortable.
“Because I’m telling you not to.”
“...Oh, are you...?”
“Yes, I am,” He answers bluntly.
“That makes me glad,” Light smiles to himself.
“I like pleasing you.”
“How altruistic of you to consider my pleasure. You’re such a good boy, you really are. Why must you act up?”
“I promise not to act up tonight.”
“Tonight’s no good, Kitten.”
Another twitch, and a slight whimper.
“Oh, do you like it when I call you Kitten?”
“What else do you like to be called?”
“I-I don’t know, just my name?”
“Must I call you by an alias all the time?”
“Is there nothing else I can call you?”
“Nothing that I’m comfortable with right now.”
“...Am I making you uncomfortable?”
“You’re getting me rather bothered.”
“Is that not good?”
“Being in a concupiscent state shalt surely impede my ability to sleep tonight.”
“That’s a fancy way of saying you’re horny, too.”
“How very observant of you,” He chuckles, with more than a hint of sarcasm.
“Oh, can you please touch me?”
“You’re not helping, with your flattering nicknames.”
“I thought you liked that nickname?”
“Then why are you complaining? Silly child.”
“I’m complaining because you’re not touching me yet.”
“Now, don’t be a brat.”
“No. I want your hand on my cock right now.”
“Rather haughty tonight, aren’t you?”
“Please, touch me, I’m begging you...”
“I don’t want to.”
“Stop whinging, you’re being much too loud.”
“...You have someone else, don’t you?”
“What?” L questions with genuine confusion.
“You already have someone. That’s why you refuse to touch me.”
“How’d you jump to that conclusion?”
“Used my brain. Though, I guess I’m wrong, since I’m so silly and childish.”
L snaps out of his prior confusion, and returns to his cajoling ways, trying to reaffirm his honesty,
“Dear, if I had eyes for anyone other than yourself, you would not be lying in my arms right now.”
“That’s how I figured it out.”
“The way you hold me. It’s changed recently, you’re adapting to me. I know there was someone you held not long before me.”
“Does that bother you?”
“Who is it? Are you still with them?”
“Are you jealous?”
“Tell me who it is, please.”
“If you must know, he is in prison.”
“And that’s where you want me, too.”
“I’m not yet certain about that.”
“Did you care for him?”
“You are jealous.” L sounds slightly amused.
“Have you ever cared for anyone?” Light sounds frustrated - in more ways than one.
“Of course! I care for plenty of people.”
“Do you care about me?”
“Especially you, my Kitten.”
”Ha-” He’s cut off by his fluctuating breath, but soon recovers, “How much do you care about me?”
“You are my dearest friend. My confidant.”
Light doesn’t understand the last word, for it is spoken in a language foreign to him, but he assumes it’s good, and solicits more praise.
“And my sweet, little naïf.”
“Y-you think I’m naïve?”
“Yes, quite. But I like it.”
“Tell me more.”
“What I am to you.”
“A companion. A bedfellow. Someone I trust with the secret of my identity.”
A toy for me to play with until I can coax a confession out of that pretty mouth of yours.
“What else do you want me to say, Kitten?”
“I just...like to feel wanted.”
“You are wanted. Trust me.”
“Well, you make me feel like I am.”
“What else do I make you feel?”
“Oh...you make me feel so much.”
“Be specific. I should very much like to know.”
"Of myself and you."
“What makes you hate yourself?”
“For a while, I hated that I gave into you on that first night. But, right now, I want nothing more…”
“Nothing more than…?”
“Nothing more than for you to...to hold me down again and...”
“Do whatever you like to me.”
“You’re not as repressed as I thought.”
“That good or bad?”
“It’s good. Tell me more about how I make you feel, Dear.”
“I am intrigued.”
“Alright,” His voice quivers, “You make me feel desirable.”
“Do you like that?”
“Yes. I had never felt that way before you.”
“You felt undesirable?”
“But you had girls at your feet in college.”
“Girls don’t matter to me.”
“Of course not. You like feeling desirable for men, yes?”
“I like being desirable for you.”
“I have...told you before, that I have always admired you,” He answers, sounding more and more eager with each word, “and you make me feel curious.”
“Curious about what?”
“Don’t want to say it.”
“It would be so good of you to tell me, Kitten. You’d make me very happy.”
Light whimpers, wriggling in faint embarrassment, overcome by this indecorous carnality. Fleetingly, he bites his lip, before reluctantly speaking again, voice breathy and provocative,
“Curious about...sexual things.”
“Surely, you have felt curious before?”
“Of course, but...I am more curious now than ever before.”
“I felt much the same when I was your age.”
“How much older than me are you?”
“I am afraid I cannot tell you.”
“More or less than five years older?”
“No. I guessed you were younger than that.”
“I might be. You don’t know that I’m telling the truth.”
“You told me that you never lie.”
“When it comes to my identity, I have to.”
“Good boy. You’re so clever, you know.”
“Tell me I’m being good...”
“Please, can you tell me how good I’m being?”
“You’re being so good for me, Kitten, I’m so glad.”
“Can you tell me more, please?”
“How polite of you to ask, and with such nice manners!”
“Does it please you? When I use keigo.”
It pleases him more than he is prepared to admit.
“Then, I’ll be very polite from now on.”
“Oh, this is no good, Light.”
“I can’t lie here and praise you, it’ll only get you more and more worked up.”
“That's what I want, though.”
“Don’t forget that you’re still being punished for what you’ve done.”
“Please, be nice, and let it end just one night earlier...”
“You know I cannot do that.”
“I don’t think this punishment is just.”
“I didn’t ask about your sense of justice.”
“I didn’t ask for you to pin me down, threaten me with death, and mark up my neck, but you still did it!”
“Aren’t you glad I did, though?”
“...I am. So glad.”
“Do you like all these marks I give you?”
“I...don’t know how to answer that.”
“Shall I rephrase the question?” He doesn’t wait for an answer, and rephrases the question, “Do you like being marked as mine and mine only?”
“...I don’t know yet.”
“Do you ever wonder what would happen if someone else saw your hickeys? What would they think? Your all too perfect and pure demeanour would shatter, wouldn’t it?”
“I have never thought about that.”
“Oh, but you’re thinking about it now, aren’t you? I can tell. Every single time your cock twitches and throbs, I can feel it.”
Light lets out another guttural moan, trying to hide his face, burying it in L’s chest. He thinks it fortunate that they are in the dark, for the dimness masks his thoroughly florid complexion.
“What’s wrong, my Kitten?”
“I’m embarrassed.” His words are slightly muffled.
“You shouldn’t be embarrassed by your desires. They are part of being human.”
“You’re a lech.”
“You like that about me.”
“Oh, my Darling, do you know how enchanting you are?”
“What do you mean?”
“You are so very pretty.”
“You really think so?”
“Absolutely. Ah, but I should not even be thinking about you in such a way…”
“Why shouldn’t you?”
“No matter, Dear.”
“No, please tell me.”
“...Alright. You’re too young, and also my prime suspect.”
“I know that you think I’m Kira. I’m living with you to prove that I’m not.”
“Suspicion begets suspicion. We should sleep.”
“I’m not tired. Just horny.”
“Well, I’m both.”
“There is an easy solution for us...”
“You fought me when I tried to please you. That happened three times, Light. And then you broke a promise.”
“But I’m being good right now!”
“What you’re doing now doesn’t matter. You know very well that you’re not allowed to get off until tomorrow.”
“It’s been so long.”
“You like seeing me like this, don’t you?”
“Stop asking questions you already know the answers to.”
“You must be specific so I can understand you properly, Kitten.”
“You like seeing me all worked up and unable to do anything about it, don’t you?”
“That’s so mean!”
L laughs. Light flinches at the sudden movement.
“Oi, why are you laughing at me?”
“Sorry,” He says through chortles, “you just reminded me of someone when you said that.”
“Someone I grew up with.”
“Well, I’d rather not hear about them,” Light sulks to himself.
“There is no need for jealousy, my Dear. He’s dead.”
“Oh. My condolences.” His sulk fades.
“Death by Kira’s hand.”
“Is that why you want to catch Kira so badly?”
“No matter what he did, he did not deserve death,” L does not answer the question, deep in reverie.
“What did he do?”
“I fear I am the one who drove him to insanity.”
“Are you listening to me?”
“I’m listening, Light.”
“Can you...maybe not talk about him?”
“Talk about me. Or you.”
“Honestly, Dear, I would rather not talk at all. I’m shattered.”
“I’ll keep you awake until you agree to let me cum.”
“I haven’t slept in three days.”
“I haven’t gotten off in...I don’t know how long, but longer than three days!”
“Stop being ridiculous, Light. Just go to sleep.”
“You can. Now, goodnight.”
L closes his eyes, by now far too tired to continue the conversation. Exasperated and hot, Light squirms and whines, goading his elder. He succeeds in getting a response, however, it is not the one he wishes for. Without bothering to open his tired eyes, L sets his leg free from Light’s vice, and loosens Light’s grip on his back, pushing him away. Light’s only response is to whine once more. L pays him no heed, his arousal ebbing away. It had begun to fade when he started thinking about B. Now he can’t get him out of his head.
He misses him. Wishes he was here again. Though, he knows he shouldn’t. Above all, no sympathy for murderers. He feels no sympathy, no, none at all. They were over a long time ago. They were over the second B left. The second he betrayed him. Betray L and he’ll claim your façade as a twisted trophy and adopt your manipulation tactics.
He is so caught up in his dwam that he forgets Light is there with him, until he feels arms gingerly snaking around his waist and a head against his chest. Naturally, he reciprocates, and holds his younger near. Light is behaving, it seems, trying to sleep off his concupiscence. First thing in the morning, he’ll shower, and relieve himself of all this pent up tension.
For now, though, he will be good. After all, that is what L wants.
As of late, he has a peculiar keenness to let L have whatever he desires of him.
This chapter is self-indulgent as all hell and I wrote it kind of as a way for me to vent, I ain't gonna lie. Desultory conversations are my speciality, after all...
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Having made no progress on any of the cases he is working on, L decides to take his mind off of his career for a little while.
He is burnt out for the night.
Luckily for him, he has found that there is a fairly fun way to solve cases, that will likely relieve some of his stress. He backs up what little work he has managed to get done, eyes unblinking and sore, then shuts his laptop and sets it aside.
It is two in the morning. Light is asleep.
L mulls over whether or not he should wake him, it seems a rather tranquil slumber. Then again, Light always looks peaceful in sleep. When he wakes, he tends to be subdued, and oft-times lightheaded as the majority of days he refuses to eat aught but a meagre lunch that L has to practically force down him. He eats a sufficient amount to stay alive, though, which is all that is of consequence to L. A starving suspect is a dead suspect, and you cannot get anything out of a dead suspect. A tired suspect, however, is a living suspect, and one that’s easy to get information out of. A young and ingenuous suspect, in particular, is even easier to beguile. A touch-starved suspect who is way out of their depth, well, is not at all difficult to inveigle. Spin a clever web of pretty lies, and your callow suspect will soon get tangled within it. L is close to having Light wrapped right around his finger.
But he’s not quite there yet.
Naturally, he shall see to it that that is soon changed. L always gets what he wants.
And he wants Light. As shameful as he thinks it, he has grown attracted to him. Such a pretty thing, so amenable, too, and complaisant by nature. The perfect little plaything, another frivolous pastime for L. As soon as he gets that confession, he’ll lock the brat up and move on. And he will attain a confession, no matter how far he has to go. He will manipulate and groom and taunt and canoodle with as many people as he has to, pull as many strings as he has to, cross as many lines as he has to - this much is normal for him by now. Criminals are oft foolish. Foolish enough to believe such conspicuous lies. Foolish enough to fall right into L’s trap. If you are persuasive enough, and know precisely the right words to say, anyone will put their trust in you, whether they be a fool or no. And Light, oh so sweet Light, such a fool when it comes to affaires de cœur, is surely close to putting his trust in L. Latterly, L has feigned benevolence, making so many empty promises. He has showered him with warmth and affection, he’s been so attentive, sweet-talking and cuddling his way into that confession. But, Light is not broken yet, resilient boy. He is certainly cracked, yes, but not broken. He must be entirely broken for L to force that confession out of him, a hollow shell of everything he once was, a mere thrall.
All in good time, L reminds himself.
Fortunately for him, he has time in abundance. Precious time must not be wasted on sleep. Thus, he unfurls his right arm, and gently shakes Light’s shoulder. It takes him a few seconds to pry the boy from his deep sleep; fluttering eyelids and a slight stir let him know he has succeeded. Not more than a half-minute passes before Light opens his weary eyes, then groggily speaks,
“Is it time to get up?”
“No, not yet.”
“Thought it looked dark. Why’d you wake me?”
“I confess I find myself rather bored.”
“Oh. So you want to talk to me?”
“I thought we might do more than just talk, Dear.”
“No, I’m tired.” He closes his eyes again.
“Come, my Darling, bestir yourself. Let me again see those gorgeous eyes of yours.”
“In the morning.”
“What’s wrong with now?”
“I’m tired. Give me five minutes.”
L holds his tongue. He shall take advantage of Light’s lassitude. Calm and calculating, he slips under the covers, and is straddling his younger within seconds. Light opens his eyes to look up at his elder, and, curiously, does not attempt to ward off his aggressor.
“You are not resisting,” L observes,
“No,” Light affirms.
“Why not? You should, for you are prone to attack.”
“I trust that you won’t harm me.”
“No, not if you don’t want me to.”
“Why would I want you to?”
“Light,” He whispers, leaning in closer, “you are so incredibly innocent.”
He plants the first kiss on Light’s neck, then smirks to himself,
“I hold purity in high regard-” His voice trembles, breath faltering as he feels L’s hot tongue against his flesh.
L pecks at his skin once more before replying,
“That’s all you want to be, isn’t it?” Another kiss, “Pure.”
“Stop what?” He questions through a mouthful of delicate skin.
“I don’t want this.”
L picks up on Light’s hyperventilation, and his taut arms defensively drawn up against his chest. Knowing he has gone too far too soon, he pulls away, and looks Light in the eye.
“Why not? We’ve done this before.”
“Get off of me, please.”
“You’re scared of me.”
L acquiesces, Light’s fear more than evident in his wide eyes, and lies down next to him.
“Why are you scared of me?”
“I-it’s not you that I’m scared of.”
“Then what is it?”
“I’m just...afraid you’ll hurt me.” His breathing begins to gradually slow.
“You must remember my promise.”
“Of course, I do.”
“Do you trust me?”
“I’m not sure, okay?”
“I am saddened to hear so. You must know by now that I have faith in you, my Dear. Why are you so frightened of me?”
“I don’t know.”
“Come now, you must know.”
“I just don’t want...what happened last time to happen again. So, I’d rather we not do this.”
“And the ‘last time’ was when…?”
“When I last purged.”
“What don’t you want to happen again?”
“I know it sounds mad, and you don’t have to believe me, but I...think I had a breakdown.”
“Describe it to me.”
“Well, I was...scared. No, petrified. Shaking and crying, my heart was pounding and fluttering, I was convinced that you’d...”
“You think I’m mad, right?”
“To me, that sounds rather like a panic attack.”
“I don’t have an anxiety disorder.”
“Are you sure?”
“Dear, you have mentioned to me that you feel anxious after eating.”
“That’s...just because the way I think about food is messed up.”
“Do you think you would’ve admitted to me that you have a problem had I not walked in on you with your fingers down your throat?”
“What do you think?”
“I think you’re in denial about the extent of your issues. I also think you are ashamed of said issues.”
“Making me sound like I’m not in my right mind so I can better fit Kira’s profile, huh?”
“That is not my intent at all, Dear. Do you always assume that I have ulterior motives?”
“Given our circumstances, I think it is reasonable for me to believe as much.”
“So, you’re paranoid, too.”
“I am not mad!”
“No, you’re not. But you do have issues, my Dear.”
“When did you become a therapist?”
“You must know that this is not my first time dealing with an unsound teenager.”
“Even so, you have no business prying into my mental health.”
“Darling, mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. I too was once afflicted by such issues.”
“Which issues? Since you think I have so many.”
“My first relationship was very unhealthy. I developed many problems.”
“Now who’s the prying one?”
“It’s too personal, isn’t it?”
“Now you know how I feel.”
“Ah, sorry, Dearest. Still, my point stands. It is healthy to talk about your problems.”
“What problems have I to talk about?”
“You had a panic attack, Light! Do you not see the problem with that?”
“I didn’t have any kind of attack. I’m normal.”
“Anxiety doesn’t make you abnormal, Darling.”
“Shut up about anxiety! I don’t have any problems to talk about.”
“You and I both know very well that you have problems with your eating. Would you like to talk more about that?”
“Are you sure you wouldn’t like to talk about your anxieties?”
“At the very least, tell me how you’re feeling.”
“If you were tired, you would have long ago told me to shut my mouth. And you wouldn’t be staring at the ceiling, you’d be all curled up and content with your eyes closed.”
“You shocked me awake. What time is it, anyway?”
“Tell me how you really feel.” He dodges the question.
“I’m uneasy. Feel sick. It’s just nerves.”
“What have you to be nervous about?”
“I can’t explain it.”
“You can explain everything once you’re ready, Light.”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.”
“That’s alright. If percase you ever do feel ready, I will always listen to you.”
“Remember, you needn’t struggle alone. You can tell me anything, and, I assure you, it will stay between us.”
“It’s your fault, anyway.”
“You immured me for nearly two months! It was then that I developed this disgusting feeling.”
“What kind of feeling is it?”
“It’s anxiety, okay‽”
In the darkness, L only just catches the glint of those umber eyes finally making contact with his own.
“Keep your voice down.”
“Not to mention that stunt you pulled with Misa and my father! You don’t know the hell you put me through!”
“Why should I‽ I’ve stayed quiet for so long!”
“Watari has the room next to ours, you're going to wake him if you don't pipe down.”
“Oh, shit,” He whispers, then gasps, covering his mouth when he’s realised what he just said.
“You know,” L gives a half-suppressed laugh, “I think that may be the first time I’ve ever heard you swear.”
Light stops concealing his mouth to speak clearly,
“My parents did not raise me to use such vulgar language.”
“Well-bred through and through.”
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner that next door is occupied?”
“I did not think it imperative.”
“I’m glad these walls are thick…”
“Fear not, they’re soundproofed as well.”
Again, L chuckles.
“Oh, my little ingenu...”
“I don’t understand.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Can you translate for me?”
“I could. But, I won’t.”
“You insulted me, didn’t you?”
“Oh, Dearest, I would never even think of doing such an unspeakable thing.”
“Somehow, I don’t believe you.”
“That’s a change.”
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing. Ignore me, you should go back to sleep.”
“I’m not tired.”
“Neither am I.”
“If I may ask, how is it that you can function so well on so little sleep?”
“It’s habit by now. Though, it was tough at first, I admit.”
“How do you have the energy?”
“Oh. I should’ve guessed.”
“Speaking of energy, you seem a lot more languid latterly.”
“You get dizzy, don’t you?”
“I ignore that.”
“You’re not healthy, my Darling.”
“I’m healthy enough.”
“Believe me, I say this with the utmost concern and candour - you are not eating enough.”
“I am. I can function.”
“Not as well as you used to.”
“You don’t know what you’re on about.”
“Oh, don’t I, now?”
“You have to understand that I can’t just eat more. It’s difficult for me.”
“Really, I worry about you.”
“You’ll eat breakfast as well as lunch henceforward.”
“No,” He unwillingly raises his voice as that emetic anxiety returns, bubbling deep within him.
“That was not a request, Light. It was a demand.”
“You can’t make me!”
“Don’t get overwrought. You will eat breakfast in the morning, the simple fact is that you cannot survive on miso soup alone.”
“Obviously, I can. Wouldn’t be here if I couldn’t.”
“I am this close to telling your father about your issues,” He raises his voice in frustration.
“No, please don’t!”
“I won’t if you agree to eat breakfast from now on.”
“I don’t need it, though.”
“Of course you need it, Light, look at yourself!”
“Please, stop talking about this.”
“Your performance at work has declined, too. You’re simply not getting enough to nourish your brain and it’s taking a toll on not just you, but the investigation, too.”
“...I’m going through a lot, you know? You’re putting me through so much.”
“Oh, don’t cry, please, I didn’t mean to make you upset.”
“It’s a lot for me. My eating is the only thing I feel I am able to control.”
Barely able to hold himself together, Light bursts into a paroxysm of tears after that sentence.
“Darling, I’m so sorry. Come here.”
With a glib tongue, L effortlessly lures Light into his arms, holding him tight and letting him weep into his chest. He was right in thinking that Light’s maladies could abet him. Maladies of the mind are easy to exploit, as sick as it may sound. It is sad, almost. But L knows precisely how to feel and act in this situation - remain impassive, never once let your perfectly crafted veneer slip. One wrong move and you can throw an entire investigation into jeopardy.
Emotions are pretences.
No sympathy for murderers.
Well, no real sympathy. False sympathy is acceptable.
“You don’t have to speak,” L says softly, “just let me know if it is okay for me to touch you or not.”
“Where?” Comes a muffled, unsteady reply.
“You feel like you’re getting thinner. I would like to confirm my suspicions.”
“Where?” Light repeats, voice wrought with sobs.
“Your chest, if I may.”
“Very well, then. I shan’t touch you without your consent.”
“You better not be lying to me.”
“Dear, why ever would you think that I’m lying?”
“I don’t know, I just...get this feeling.”
“What kind of feeling?”
“A bad feeling in my gut.”
“Oh? How come you’re just mentioning this?”
“I didn’t think it imperative,” Light laughs even though his tears, echoing L’s earlier statement.
“Anxiety begets such feelings. You’ll be best trying to ignore it.”
“You’ve diagnosed me at this point, haven’t you?”
“Afraid not, I haven’t the qualifications. What I do have, however, are my many suspicions about you.”
“Settle down, amateur psychologist,” A single laugh escapes his trembling lips, tears dissipating.
“What’s that mean?”
“I fancy myself more of an amateur doctor. Won’t you play doctor with me?”
“What’s wrong with being childish? I quite like being childish.”
“I asked you a question.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being childish.”
“The other question.”
“...I don’t want you to touch me.”
“I won’t hurt you.”
“You’re insecure, aren’t you?”
“I might be.”
“One of these days, I’ll finally get you to realise how gorgeous you are.”
“You only think my face is pretty, and even then, I embellish it. If you saw the rest of me, you’d be disgusted.”
“My sweet Darling, please don’t ever say anything like that again.”
“It’s the truth.”
“It’s what you’ve drilled into your mind. I will make my own decisions.”
“Your hands are going nowhere.”
“Not tonight, no.”
“You won’t be saying that when you’re all hot-blooded and athirst.”
“...No, I probably won’t.”
“I shan’t press the issue any longer. We are approaching morn, you should rest a while longer.”
“Then goodnight, Beautiful.”
“Don’t let go of me.”
“I promise you.”
“Thank you. I like falling asleep like this.”
“Hush. Goodnight, Darling.”
L need not play doctor. His suspicions were confirmed the moment he had that boy in his arms, when he felt Light’s ribs through his t-shirt. He is still dropping weight.
That simply cannot do. L needs to up his game.
Light is unlike any case he has previously taken under his belt. Such a fascinating boy, such a brilliant mind. Beyond his fragile exterior and such pure naïveté, Light is exceptionally tough. Any ordinary suspect would have given themselves over by this point in the investigation, submissive to L in every aspect. Yet Light is hanging on, desperately, to that single thread of willpower, as if his life depends on it. In a way, it does, for Kira’s final punishment shalt surely be execution; this L has made sure Light knows. Perhaps that is why he is so defensive. Though, defences can be easily torn down.
And, besides, L knows Light’s weaknesses very well indeed. He understands them, and knows how to exploit them, for they were once his. Once, a very long time ago.
Y'all, I was super close to just scrapping this entire chapter. I played around with it and changed the plot like 5 times and in the end, this is what I decided on. Not much happens, I know, but think of it as an introduction to an upcoming trilogy ;)
Happy new decade btw, Loves! Take care of yourselves x
Though I myself have never experienced "the anorexic voice", I thought the concept could be interesting to explore. Apparently, it's quite common.
Also, I am terrible at small talk, and I don't really know how to write Aizawa and Mogi, so I apologise in advance for what you're going to read.
TW: graphic(?) depictions of self-induced vomiting
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Every once in a while, the Task Force eat dinner together.
In the past, Light has been able to steer clear of these dinners, scheduling nugatory rendezvous with Misa in order to avoid consumption of what he adjudges to be empty calories. He has never enjoyed spending time with her, but he has always enjoyed the fact that she never bats an eye when he lies straight through his eroded teeth and insists he isn’t hungry, that he ate not long before he left to go see her. He appreciates her gullibility, if nothing else. She is easy to trick. Misa can’t get him out of this meal, though, and his heart sinks as he and L take their seats.
“Nice for you to finally join us, Light,” Souichirou says from across the table with a genuine, doting smile.
“Don’t mention it,” Light replies, the best fake smile he can procure plastered across his face.
“Man, Watari’s cooking is delicious. You’re gonna love it!” Matsuda states, ebullient as ever.
“I’m sure I will,” Light says with a giggle, trying not to grit his teeth.
“When it comes to food, Watari rivals my wife,” Aizawa adds.
“Then, I’m looking forward to it. Speaking of significant others - is Misa not joining us?”
“She says she doesn’t want to get fat, so she’s dining elsewhere tonight,” Mogi joins the conversation as Watari enters the room from the kitchen to wait upon L with a generous platter of assorted saccharine delicacies.
“Typical,” Souichirou snickers, “my wife was the same when we were younger.”
“It’s how women are,” Aizawa agrees.
“Men worry about their appearance, too,” L chimes in, mouth full of marshmallow.
“Eeeeh‽ I never thought you the type to fret about good looks, Ryuzaki!”
“I don’t, Matsuda. Light-kun, however, does.”
“Please, could you refrain from speaking for me?”
“I am merely stating the truth.”
“You don’t worry, do you, Light?”
“Of course not, Tou-san. I take great pride in my appearance.”
“That much was clear from when you were nobbut a child.”
“I see you’ve grown close to Ryuzaki, Light-kun,” Aizawa says offhandedly.
“How can you tell?” Light gives another giggle, veneer of innocence.
“You haven’t been using keigo with him for a while.”
“The language Light-kun uses is of no significance to me,” L interrupts the teenager.
“Likewise,” Light replies, unable to mask the quiver in his voice.
The conversation quickly runs dry, much like Light’s throat.
Fortunately, the creak of the kitchen door breaks the deafening silence, Watari waltzing in with a silver trolley full of food. Light lets out a sigh, relieved, but lamenting withal, for this is to be his third meal of the day.
As Watari serves up bowls of rice and sauce and plates of battered meat and God knows what else, Light has to avert his eyes. He swallows an intrusive lump in his parched throat, the smell of the food alone is enough to make him feel qualmish. Looking to his left, he seeks solace in his constant companion, but is met with the sight of the detective’s long, pale fingers squeezing tentatively at an unsuspecting piece of daifuku mochi. He swiftly averts his eyes again, gaze fixating on his lap. He’s been tapping at the back of his hand with three fingers, obsessive and trepidatious, the neurotic melody too quiet to be heard. What can be clearly heard, however, is the shambolic clinking of cutlery and glasses, his colleagues’ mutters of gratitude, Watari’s footsteps gradually growing more and more distant, and ultimately, the door creaking shut.
His fidgeting hands stay put in his lap as everyone else helps themselves to the victual on the table. Everyone bar L, of course, he is more than content with his selection of sweets. Light’s hands get noticeably clammier, his breathing becoming ragged. This is bad. It’s really, really bad. This meal is going to spoil everything he’s worked so hard for.
“Aren’t you going to eat, Light?”
The teenager looks up and into the eyes of his father. He swallows, attempting to lubricate his dry mouth,
“Y-yes,” He nods.
Apprehensive, he eyes up the cutlet on his plate. It’s dripping with grease, as if it wasn’t fatty enough to begin with. He knows it’s been deep-fried. All that oil, all those calories. How many calories are in this thing? Four hundred, maybe? Light chokes back the bile that has just risen into his throat, taking his eyes off of the slices of pork. He sees his colleagues’ mouths moving, forming words he is unable to hear over the harsh ringing in his ears. Frantically, his eyes dart around, studying the contents of each dish, until he spies some salad. With his left hand, he grabs the bowl and brings it near, dishing out a little bit onto his plate. He returns the bowl to its original position, then utters his thanks for the meal, before gripping at the vegetables with his chopsticks, picking up a few strands of shredded cabbage. Reluctantly, he takes a bite, the ringing in his ears getting a bit quieter. He feels as if the entire world is watching him chew this food, certainly, he is being watched. He is being spoken to, as well, but he cannot hear the words for his tinnitus. He swallows his first bite, the internal voice screaming as he does so.
Oh, God, Light, why did you eat that? You’ve had breakfast and lunch today, and now you’re sitting down and eating dinner? How many calories do you think you’ve had, huh? Do you honestly expect to ever reach perfection if you keep stuffing your face? Two years of effort down the drain because you are utterly insatiable! There is no pleasing you. Three meals, Light. You’ve ruined your restriction. It’ll go straight to fat, you worthless glutton, and you’ve only yourself to blame. You will never be perfect. You’re too weak. Weak, you hear me? Can you hear me, Light?
Actually, he’s not certain all of what he’s hearing is internal…
A familiar voice, assuaging and euphonious, calls out his name. The ringing and the voice disappears, and he snaps out of his delirium. Blinking, he puts on another smile, and replies,
“Is Light-kun feeling alright?”
“You spaced out for a minute,” Matsuda says, voice marred by uncharacteristic concern.
“Just a headache.”
“Are you sure you’re not getting ill again?” The Chief joins in, sounding equally concerned, though he speaks through mouthfuls of his dinner.
“I’m completely fine, don’t worry about it.”
“You don’t seem like yourself lately,” Mogi adds.
“I think I’m a bit stressed from work.”
“You best not be pushing my son too hard, Ryuzaki.”
“Rest assured, Yagami-san, your son is safe with me. He has adequate rest and sustenance, and is welcome to talk about any problems he may have with either myself or Watari.”
“Light, is there anything you need to tell me?”
“There’s nothing, Tou-san.”
“If you insist. Mogi is right, you know.”
“It’s stress and nothing more, trust me.”
His father gives an understanding nod, and returns to eating in comfortable silence. Light’s mendacious smile morphs into a grimace, hot under the collar now that his façade has been threatened.
A perfect son’s pride and arrogance is unmatched, a perfect son never gets wary, and he certainly doesn’t have psychotic episodes in the middle of dinner. Perfect sons have to be entirely compos mentis.
Shovelling more salad into his mouth, he pushes the feelings of guilt to the corners of his mind and swallows with haste. His chopsticks slip out of his unsteady and clammy hands, hitting his plate with a clink that makes him wince. Five pairs of eyes fixate upon him, boring through his skull. Awkwardly, he picks his cutlery up, cursing himself for being such a clumsy fool.
You’re an idiot. Everyone’s staring at you. They probably can’t believe their eyes, seeing you shove so much food into your greedy gob.
“Hey, Light-kun,” Matsuda, thankfully, pipes up, “try the pork! It’s really good.”
“Is that so?” He questions, feigning curiosity.
He soon realises that everybody has stopped eating. Even L has put his sweets down, ashen eyes watching Light’s every move intently. Everyone is waiting for him, Light realises. Breaking eye contact with his closest companion, he looks down at the chunks of meat. Fatty and oily, coated with pure carbs. He looks up again, meeting his father’s encouraging gaze. Not wanting to be a disappointment, he musters up some bravery, and picks up a strip of pork. He takes the smallest possible bite, still shaking. Exhaling sharply, he covers his mouth with his free hand as he chews. Watari has not provided any napkins, so he is unable to surreptitiously spit it out. Ruefully, he swallows, then takes his hand away from his lips to speak,
“It’s delicious,” He proclaims with a forced grin.
And he’s not lying. It truly is delectable. But that makes the guilt so much worse.
“Not so loud, Matsuda,” Aizawa scowls.
Matsuda gives a small apologetic bow. Light finds himself absent-mindedly nibbling at his food, for which he scolds himself. He can’t help it, it’s just so good! With little thought, he quickly gobbles up the rest of that piece of pork. Then does the same with a second piece. He supposes that it should be okay to indulge tonight, for he hasn’t in so long.
Though, memories of such indulgent nights haunt him.
There was a night, indeed a very distant memory by now, when he felt that it was acceptable to be ventripotent, just for once, as one night wasn’t going to have an adverse effect on his figure. And he had fully intended it to be a one-time occasion, just one night of unbridled sybaritism, until it happened again. And again. And again. He succumbed to intemperance over and over and over, unable to satiate the unbounded appetite he had worked up succeeding days of starving. Then, one night, he had an idea. A seemingly genius idea, one simple act that could mend everything; a way to regain his purity, emptiness, and control. It was seemingly innocent, at first, something he would only ever resort to if he’d over-indulged. But it soon became much more, developing into a dangerous addiction. An endless cycle. Starve, binge, purge. Eat, feel bad, purge. And he got away with it, until a certain detective came along. He can’t starve anymore, L makes him eat at least two meals a day, however small they may be. He can’t binge, nor can he oft purge, L is constantly at his side. The only time he gets to be truly alone is in the shower, and he can’t even purge in there, as it’s either first thing in the morning, before breakfast, or last thing before bed; his stomach is always empty by then, for he does not eat at night unless he is secretly gourmandising. Even so, two years of experience have taught him how to disguise his disordered habits.
Sailing under false colours, Light manages to get through dinner and return to work. He lets his meal sit in his stomach for a good hour before he deems that he must get rid of it, so sick and guilt-ridden he feels just sitting here letting it fester, letting it digest. Letting all those calories be absorbed, letting himself run to fat. He can’t have this. Had he been at home it would have come back up the second he retreated upstairs; unfortunately, he now resides elsewhere, with an overbearing companion who no longer allows him to use the bathroom soon after eating. An hour is long enough, right? An hour is too long, he decides. Too long to let it sit. It needs to come back up. He needs to feel in control again. He needs to be unmitigated perfection embodied. Cunning securely tucked beneath his mask of stolidity, he tugs gently at the chain which binds him to his erstwhile bête noir.
“What is it?” L does not bother taking his eyes away from the lurid computer screen.
“Can Light-kun wait a short while longer?” His hands tap away at the keyboard intensely.
The detective's typing comes to a halt, and he hops out of his chair, counterfeit curvature of his spine displaying his true dedication to his little charade.
We’re so alike, Light muses with silent mirth.
No words pass between the two as they make their way to the nearest lavatory. Wordless they remain still as Light locks himself inside, their chain barely fitting through the gap underneath the door. He turns on the light, sighing. Guilt clouds his thoughts.
You ate far too much. You let yourself go, Light. Again, as I always foresaw that you would, voracious wretch. Now, you know how to atone for this. Be a good boy, get on your knees, and repent.
He hearkens to that voice deeply embedded within his mind, blindly obeying it’s every command, knees against icy tiles sharpish. Two fingers situate themselves within his throat, begetting him to retch. He’s long since accustomed to the sensation. They’re almost tedious, these repetitious acts; tearful eyelids reflexively slamming shut as he regurgitates that first bit of gunge from within himself, weakened teeth sinking into his knuckles, disfigured from bouts prior, as he makes a sound too loud for his liking. He knows he’s going to bleed. He’s not thinking about how L will react. Not thinking about the punishment he shall receive. Not thinking about anything other than the way his fingers jam themselves down his throat, the way his brittle fingernails claw at his flesh in noiseless protest, begging him to refrain. He shan’t refrain, not for one second. Step by step, he shall reach his goal of pure perfection. Mouthful after mouthful of ejecta, he shall regain control over his own body, wretched and flawed though it be. It’s not at all pleasant, having half-digested globs of rice and meat adhering to his gullet, but he does it for the beau idéal, for the sense of complacency he can obtain from no other act. Oh, he’s tried alternative ways to cleanse himself; over-exercising until he collapsed breathlessly in his bedroom, starving until he fainted in front of poor Sayu - but nothing else brings him the same euphoria that vomiting does. Euphoric though the feeling may be, he does not enjoy the act of making himself sick. Rather, he only enjoys the outcome - the point when he’s desperately clawing at his gag reflex, all snotty and lachrymose and exsanguinated, trying his hardest to bring more up, only to realise that everything has come up. The point when he’s empty and pure and so goddamn smug, for he has achieved his victory. And the effects on his body are his trophies.
The swollen cheeks he sees as having an invigorating rosy hue. The bloodied, torn knuckles he runs his fingers across, intoxicated by the feeling of his own bones. The raw, sore throat encourages him to starve. There is a morbid beauty in it all.
He regrets eating that rice as a clump of which rises up from his esophagus and sticks in his throat, tears running down his cheeks as he chokes on the unwelcome mass and helplessly gags on his fingers. In desperation, he opens his mouth wider and angles his face downwards, breath escaping his lungs. Panic overcomes him, and he manages to get it out with two coughs.
Oh, shit. That was too loud.
He braces himself, knowing he’s going to be caught. Sure enough, he hears the lock being picked, then L barges in. Seeing Light throwing up, fingers down his throat, enkindles an aberrant feeling in L’s chest, the oddest little twinge of pity. Pity that he soon represses - no, rejects, while he rushes over to the troubled teenager.
“This really must stop,” He snarls as he restrains his younger by the wrists.
“Let go of me,” Light orders, struggling against L’s hold.
“You promised me you would stop purging. You’ve betrayed my trust again, Light.”
“I never promised a thing!” Light ripostes, “I said it would be hard to resist the urge.”
“I was a fool to put my trust in you.”
“...Why do you continue to do this, Darling?”
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh, wouldn’t I?”
“No, you wouldn’t. I’ve already told you why I do it, and clearly, you’re not able to understand my reasoning.”
“You know nothing about me,” L snaps gracelessly, “Don’t you dare make assumptions like that.”
“Whatever. Are you going to let go of me or not?”
He sets his younger’s wrists free, glaring at him with conspicuous choler. Notwithstanding his aggravation, he desists from acting crass and lashing out. Light rises to his feet, L following suit, and flushes his ejecta away. As per usual, he mopes over to the sink, soaping up his slimy hands, wounds stinging. He swills them with cold water, then pats them dry with a towel. Hesitantly, he gazes into the mirror. Makeup’s ruined.
“Can we head back to our room?”
“You’re not getting any more time off work.”
“No, I mean just for a few minutes. Look at me.”
“I have been looking at you. You look like someone who’s destroying themself.”
“I’m not destroying myself!”
“You are. Do you know how worried I am?”
“I’m fine, really.”
“Stop lying to me. You’re not.”
“Can I fix my makeup? Or am I to go back to work with it all down my cheeks?”
“Just clean it off in here. We don’t have all night.”
“I would quite like to brush my teeth, too.”
“You’ll only be rubbing acid all over them.”
“You didn’t know?”
“I dread to think of the state your teeth must be in. You’ll be better off washing your mouth out with water, it may save you from a few caries.”
“How do you know so much about this stuff?”
“That is none of your concern.”
“Maybe not. I can’t help but wonder, though.”
“Don’t pry into my personal affairs.”
“As you pry into mine? Anyone would think you have something to hide.”
“I do. My identity.”
“I’m not going to be able to find your identity by rooting through the world’s medical records, Ryuzaki.”
“Who said anything about a medical condition?”
Light glares, biting his tongue. L’s too smart for his own good. Wasting no more time, he takes some toilet roll, runs it under the tap, and dabs at his mascara-beset cheeks.
I look terrible.
When do you not look terrible? How can you stand the sight of yourself? Look at your cheeks. Look at how much fat is in them. Not to mention the rest of that wreck you call a body. Get rid of Ryuzaki so you can get on your knees again and spew out all of your regret. You know that’s what you want to do. Push him out of the room if you have to. Steal those lock picks from his pocket so he can’t bother you. Get him out so you can continue what you need to do. It’s what’s best for you.
L watches, imbibing, as Light gazes into the mirror idly, vacant look in his bloodshot eyes. He is not admiring himself, L realises. He is judging himself. Perhaps he is not the little narcissist that L had initially thought him, after all.
A hand on his shoulder pulls Light from his neurosis, making him flinch.
“Would you like me to help?”
“You seem distracted.”
“I know what you’re doing - picking out all your imperfections, criticising yourself. Turn around.”
“Face me, Light.”
“I can see you just fine.”
“Face me, Light. Not my reflection.”
L’s minacious tone compels Light to acquiesce. L takes the tissue from his younger’s hand, and lightly dabs it against his carmine cheeks.
“Look at me,” L instructs, imperial yet tender.
Light looks up, doe-eyed and forlorn.
“You have such nice eyes.”
“You’ve told me before.”
“I mean it, Light. You don’t know how pretty you are.”
“Shut up, you’re lying.”
“Look at me.”
“No,” The objection comes out sotto voce and tremulous as he blinks back tears.
“Look at me!”
L growls, seizing Light by the chin, forcing eye contact. Light mewls, latching onto the sink behind him, recoiling in fear. The detective loosens his harsh grip, lowering his arm, and persists in cleaning the mascara off of his younger’s cheeks.
“Well, I’m nearly done with this. Do you want to talk now or later tonight?”
“What have we to talk about?”
“You know what we need to talk about. You’re not getting any better.”
“Did you honestly think that you could somehow save me?”
“I had hoped that I could dissuade you, at the very least. I tried to make you see some sense, but never intended to ‘save’ you. You made it clear that you don’t want to recover, and I am not a therapist, nor am I a doctor.”
“Let me do my own thing.”
“You need help.”
“There’s nothing wrong with me.”
“We’ll talk more tonight. Come, we must get back to work. We’ve been gone too long.”
They return to work at their desks, no further words passing. The Task Force pay the obvious elephant in the room no heed, out of their respect for L and the Chief’s son. They all know they are not in a position to be nosy.
The awkward, tense silence is broken. Father and son meet eyes.
“What is it?”
Light mumbles three simple, dreaded words:
“My chest hurts.”
Updates may become a little more sporadic. I have terrible writer's block lately.