Chapter 1: Blackness
His mother always spoke of the demons that lurked around him, the black inky mess that was his soul, tainted, doomed for something that they did not know of..perhaps that was the reason that nothing ever good happened to him as a child? Perhaps that was the reason that he was met with disgusted sneers of painted lips, the gift of a sting of his cheek, harsh words and disappointment, it certainly would have made sense. He was tainted...dark around the soul...his mother always spoke of it, compared him to the light light that was his sister, the glowing warmth that was dear Annabella, the heavens opened up for her, the world revolved around her, and Lucas was alright with that. Annabella made his mother happy, made it so he could be forgotten, and the harsh words lessen ever so slightly. He was fine with not being the perfect child, the tainted nobody that was unlovable, someone who would die because of the cold grip of fate that had latched itself onto him.
He was fine with that. Truly, pain only lasted if you thought about it, and Lucas didn’t have time to think of the aching in his chest, the drowning that he had when nothing worked, when anything he managed to do, to accomplish was drowned out by his mother and her jabs, Annabellas light...nothing he did would compare, and he was fine with that, because his mother was happy and Annabella was happy. They were happy in the light while he wasn’t. No, he was happy when he was ignored. Happy when he was alone, and the harsh words couldn’t reach him.
He didn’t have time to think of it though, school was ticking by, grades rising and rising, the praise of his teachers reaching unhearing ears as he raced to catch the years that was coming forth. College was around the corner, relief barely resting within aching chest as Lucas kept his head up high, fighting against the inky blackness that was his mother and sisters jabs, their whispering insults, the stinging slaps. Head up high. Smile on face. Everything was fine. Graduation slipped forward, no one was there for pictures, no one there to congratulate him on a job well done, no one but the man he hadn’t seen in years, the father that abandoned him, a stranger.
Another jab in the dark, another twist of his life, the dark of his soul itching forth. Hatred seeping forth from words of failure and abandonment from his mothers lips, his sisters taunts but a strangers congratulations, praise and a promise of support. Lucas barely focused...couldn’t focus, he couldn't. Head up high, smile on features ( crumbling, breaking, heaving chest….whispering comfort ).
The darkness was what he was used to, what he had fought against, the nerves that bounced and clawed at his chest ( “Doomed from birth, tainted with the blackness of the night...disgusting..worthless ...never will prove to anything” ) mothers words whispering within the night. Lucas could feel his resolve crumbling, could feel the coldness sweep out from his chest, drowning him until a warmth spread throughout his arms, seeping into skin and charred bones. Warmth. Safety, comfort in toothy grin, concerned brown eyes shining with the heat of the sun, slicked back hair, stubble on face….Damien Gale. Damien Gale, the happiness within the darkness of his fate, the light that banished the cold away...his support, his friend...a man of his words. Lucas was grounded, any aching thoughts, the clawing at his chest, the harsh breathing subsided with the warmth, the happiness.
Perhaps that was why it hurt. When a poker night went wrong, when a murder took place, friends turned and Lucas was stuck with trusting the man of his world, the happiness, the bright warmth that chased the coldness away, the clawing of his chest stopped.
“Let us in. Trust us...we can help. I can help.” and all it was a simple yes. Perhaps his mother was right...he was destined to the dark...to be doomed to stay in the mirror that his friend left him in. Left him to rot-no..no, Damien was a man of his word….he’d be back..he’d come back and let him out again.
Lucas was sure...his friend wouldn’t lie...not Damien, but the inky blackness of his prison spoke differently ...the whispering words back.
Chapter 2: Family Dinner Part one.
A nice family dinner with his mother and sister he hasn’t seen in years. Although, it doesn’t go as one would think.
Winding roads flew past, the familiar smell of salt filling his senses as wind blew through his hair, a soft smile on his face as gaze flickers out the open window, staring at the crashing waves, hearing the crash of water on water accompanying the soft music that Damien always seemed to play, a moment of silence, a moment of that hard feeling of homesickness hitting him. This was his home. The waves, the sun...the winding roads and the openness of the world that seemed to float here...like nothing would happen, nothing could happen. Head tilts, attention flickering towards his company, seeing soft smile on stubble face, usual slicked back hair down, allowing messy curls to slip forth, a look of ease within chocolate eyes and Lucas felt his heart stop seeing the sun hit the other. Everything about Damien lit up, and he could feel that familiar warmth hit him, that spreading heat that washed over him like the waves crashing just outside of the car, washing the darkness and the coldness away. Heart fluttered as gaze forces itself to look out the window once more, a bigger grin on features as the drew closer and closer to his home. Despite the warmth within his skin, the warmth flooding his senses that icy feeling jabbed and prodded, itching at the back of his head as they got closer and closer to his family.
Nervous smile shot towards the golden angel beside him, his childhood home just in front of him, and Lucas shifted, staring at trimmed yard, the white fence and cobbled stone walkway leading up to red door. Everything looked like it had before he left, the pristine area seemingly warm and welcoming but it was anything like that at the moment. Stomach twisted and knotted staring at the windows, staring at the home he had lived in. Hand to shoulder caught attention, head shifting to look at concerned eyes and a slight smile flickers to life, replacing the nervousness that had started to appear.
“Is everything alright?” came soft tones, baritone, the sound causing whatever jabbing of the darkness that seemed to follow him to quieten down.
“Of course Dames...nothing to worry about it. Just, didn’t expect the place to look the same since I left.” filthy lies, deep down Lucas knew of this, but he pushed past the guilt, swallowing softly as hand reaches for handle of the car, pushing it open and stepping out feeling suddenly smaller than he should have. Perhaps this was a bad idea. They didn’t have to spend their summer off of college visiting his family, they could have gone to Marks, could have enjoyed their vacation being lazy and sleeping in the dorm room. No time to think of that. Damien was beside him, staring at the house and Lucas smiled softly at his friend before walking forwards, opening gate and walking towards the red door ( his doom..no, incorrect. To his family. ) hand raised, curling into a fist before he’s knocking, the sound echoing, heart thumping harder and faster as stomach churned.
A moment's notice. Perhaps they weren’t home, he could just tell Damien that they missed their chance and they could go do something else, go to the beach, perhaps go back to the motel and get their swim trunks and go swimming. Thoughts were pushed aside, mentally scolding himself for wishing of that. This was his family...he should want to see them. Mouth falls dry, door opening and before him is the face of his sister. Straight red hair and piercing brown eyes staring up at him, freckles adorning her face ( the kisses of angels his mother used to praise ) and a look of disgust flickering to life within a moment at the sight of him. Stomach tightened, but he pushed through it, smiling warmly at Annabella but her attention was off of him and to the man he had brought for company.
“Annabella this is my friend from college Damien Gales. Damien, this is my younger sister Annabella.” Lucas spoke softly, introducing the two of them as he watches that smile that he has grown to adore spread across his friends features, hand out to take his sisters in a polite shake.
“Greetings. Lucas has spoken highly of you, I’m pleased to meet you.”
There’s a soft giggle, Annabella flushing softly but Lucas watches her shake his hand, fluttering her eyelashes at Damien, sticking a stray piece of hair behind her ear.
“Nice to meet you too, would you care to come in?” she questions, and Lucas does his best to ignore the fact that it was towards Damien rather than the both of them. He keeps the smile on his face, he was used to this by now, truly he was, so when Annabella stepped back, still holding onto Damiens hand to pull him in, Lucas simply followed behind, shutting the door behind them quietly before he’s looking at the large entry, the stairwell that held family portraits...most of Annabella and other family members rather than himself, but that wasn’t anything new, the passage leading to the kitchen and the living room still adorned with flowers and paintings, the signs of worn wood showing and Lucas felt his heart stop ( running steps, quiet sobs as small body turned to rush up the stairs to his room, mothers shouting and Annabellas loud wailing reaching ears. ) he could hear someone in the kitchen, dishes clinking softly.
“Lucas?” his attention is drawn once more, away from the shaky breathing to see Damien looking at him with concern, hands on his shoulders and Lucas almost wants to cling to him but he sees his sister, glaring at him, the fact that the attention was away from her and onto him.
“Memories, sorry I got lost, go ahead with Annabella, I’m just gonna take a quick look around. I’ll meet up with you in the kitchen..” he responds softly, knowing that his sister wasn’t keen on the lack of attention and Lucas wasn’t going to upset his sister. Lucas blinks seeing Damien hesitate, opening his mouth to say something before he’s being dragged away, and Lucas shoots him a smile...hoping it reached his eyes. Once both his sister and friend are out of the room, Lucas shakes, breathing heavy as he takes a step towards the living room, seeing the bright room once more. It was always his favourite. The window pointing towards the ocean, the sun hitting the vases and glass sending colors flying, and how quiet the living room usually was, it was surprisingly one of the more quieter places of the house. A deep sigh, shoulder being forced to relax as attention turns to the pictures on the mantel, all of Annabella. There were pictures of her at her school graduation, days at the beach, her birthdays. A small smiles flickers across his face, seeing how happy his sister was, and attention flickers to a picture of his mother and sister, staring at the camera with bright brown eyes and wild red hair, waves crashing down in the background and Lucas feels his heart wrench. They were happy, happier when he wasn’t there...and he was fine with that. He was always going to be fine with that, but it didn’t stop the ache and icy feeling that crept up within his chest, knowing that his mother and sister didn’t need him there to be happy. Sighing softly, hands wrung together, gaze flickering from photo to photo before Damiens laugh catches his attention.
Right, Damien...he should probably get back to him, see his mother finally. He stops for a moment, the thought of seeing his mother sending heart to skip a beat, and it wasn’t like how his heart skipped for Damien, no, this was something else and Lucas wasn’t all that excited for it. A release of his breath as he walks towards where the soft chuckles from Damien came from, the clinking of plates and glass and his sisters soft words. Walking into the doorway, forcing his hands to still and place at his sides, Lucas smiles ever so softly, tilting his head, leaning against the door frame, staring at Damien explain something to his overly attentive sister ( Lucas had a feeling she didn’t understand what Damien was speaking about, but was simply staring at him ), his attention flickers to the other person in the room. Red hair pulled into a messy bun, age lines framing her face and light brown eyes shining at his sister, listening to Damien with more softness than Lucas has ever seen her use. He shifts, staring at his mother before he walks into the room. Ignoring how the warmth seemed to flood out of the room, despite the sunshine and warmth of the summer outside, he sits, already feeling his chest tighten despite the smile being shot at him from Damien. Head raises slightly, turning to smile at his mother, going to greet her before he stops slightly, seeing the hardness, that softness that was once there gone, anger and disgust clear within her brown eyes and lips turned downwards, shifting into a sneer. Breathing stops, lungs tightening and he looks down again, hands shifting, rubbing against his leg as the room goes silent.
“Hello mother.” he finally greets, voice quiet, soft, and Lucas hopes that the nerves rushing through him wasn’t clear to everyone in the room, but the slight smirk coming his sister and Damiens glance of confusion or worry.
“Lucas.” The tone was cold, no warmth or welcoming back, and Lucas held back a wince, his smile still there, still warm but he was sure it didn’t meet his eyes.
Silence was once more entering the kitchen, a tense silence that seemed to grasp them all in a tightening grip, Lucas could feel his face flush softly before he turns, catching the concerned, confused look that Damien was shooting him, and he just gave a soft smile, trying to keep things light. Things would go fine, they were family...right? Annabella shifted, simply bringing attention to her, talking about something, drawing Damiens attention, conversation slowly coming back, despite the awkwardness building within the room.
Chapter 3: What Hurts the Most ( Triggering )
This chapter holds triggering content such as suicide / attempt of suicide. Please read at your own risk.
Pain was something that he was well accustomed to. Emotional and Mental pain was something that he grew up with. The scorn of a mother that held no love for him, told him that he was nothing and wouldn’t ever account to that of his sister when she grew. That he was useless and destined for the cold darkness that surrounded him, that plagued him. His mistakes ammo for her loaded gun, the harsh reality that he was unloved, uncared for and never enough. Nothing he did for his family was enough. He knew physical pain. Surfing welcomed cuts and bruises, the nip from a dog shark and as he grew he knew the physical torment of families and human beings that hated him for his role in the government. Unhappy with the verdict of the court, his arguments sending family members to a life sentence which rewarded him with punches, a shove down the court steps and even a threat to his life..hell, he was shot in the chest by a friend, his body falling from a banister to the cold, hard ground. The snaps and cracks of his bones still echoing within his mind.
He was used to it all. Moved past it if he could, some wounds deeper than others to push past but he eventually moved on. Never wanted to hurt another soul, never wanted revenge for something like that. He could take the pain. He was used to it, but this pain was worse than all of it, left him with a wound that couldn’t be healed, that had slowly became infected as time went on in the dark. Left to the mirrors grasp, unrelenting to his begging and screaming. The hope that he once had a knife to his heart, his screams unanswered to the one that had abandoned him, stole the broken body and locked his soul away with a promise to come back after the guilty verdict was handled. The man that he had loved, still loved, leaving him to the swirling darkness and the silence that striked with no hesitance. That was the pain that hurt the most, breaking down walls and walls of protection that he had built up over the years in a series of blows over time.
As the stone and rocks crumbled from the walls, the whispering voices of his mother and sister came, whispering the words that Lucas had once heard when he was growing up ( never will make it. Destined to be alone. To the Dark. Unloveable. Useless. Worthless. ) a mantra that only grew with his cries for help. Crumbling walls came down, leading to the sharp pain as glass cracks, fists slamming into the mirror before him in an attempt to escape, embedding into his skin allowing crimson to slide down pale skin but never allowing him to escape. His prison holding fast despite the walls collapsing alongside the sliver of hope that he clung to, that Damien would come back, that he wouldn’t forget him. A cycle was created, pain following every inch of that cycle..mental, physical and emotional until the wall was gone and that hope with it, a screeching cry for help as mirror is shattered once more.
Everything stilled, but it didn’t matter, the pain had done its job, hope gone and the sickening infection flaring as knees hit ground, glass embedding into knees...numb to the sting, ignoring the blood trailing down his arms from the nicks of the glass that had shattered. What was the point? What was the point of it anymore. The mirror would fix itself, stitch itself back together...Damien left him, his friends moving on from what the mirror had shown him. Tear stained gaze flickers to the shards, mind whispering his mothers and sisters words, but it wasn’t their voices...no. it was his. Fingers curl around jagged shard, staring at it before gently pressing it to his arm, trailing it up, blood spilling from wound as weak sob spilled from hoarse throat, doing the same for the other arm.
There wasn’t a point to this anymore. Waiting for something that wouldn;t happen. The pain of knowing that he was forgotten, abandoned and left to rot by the man that he loved, by his friends, his those he cared for. Lucas doesn’t fight it when his vision blurs, the dripping of crimson luring him off into a sleep he hoped he wouldn’t wake from.
A groan comes from still body, eyes opening weakly as he sits up, hand pressing onto clean ground. Glass gone, blood seemingly a hallucination and the cold air licking on new scars across his arms. Dull, brown eyes stare, tears welling as a broken wail slips forth from collapsed male, who slowly curls in on himself.
Pain was something that he was used to ...but this, this was something that no experience could have helped with.