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The Pillarmen except it’s an AU

Chapter Text

The bottom of your canvas shoes slapped obnoxiously against the tiled floor. Each step you took made you cringe slightly. You were making your way to the containment wing of the Foundation where your subjects were contained.

After the massacre of Stroheim's team in Mexico, Mr. Joestar had decided to detain and contain the threat of The Pillarmen. You had heard about the exploits of Mr Joestar in Europe and heard his 'heroic' tales of how he single-handedly (you found it funny that he chose those words) took down the gargantuan men. You had doubts the battles took place the way he said they did, but you kept to yourself.

When you had first heard about them, you weren't sure what you expected. You had expected men that came out of pillars, much like how someone would melt out of a block of ice. Just like normal humans that you would pass by every day. Boy, you were very wrong.

When they were lugged into the Foundation's examination room in chambers illuminated by ultraviolet lights, you were sure that your jaw had hit the floor. You had seen the first Pillarman, but he had been encased in rock and in pieces. The three that had come in from Europe may very well have been the most beautiful men you had ever seen.

After Mr. Joestar had made some very obscene gestures and comments in front of the encased Pillarmen, he and Mr. Speedwagon gave a brief showcase of how to handle the Pillarmen with precaution. You, of course, ignored all of it. You hadn't thought that you were going to end up as one of the poor attendees that had to check up on them. After three months of running tests on various stone masks and interviewing vampires, you had received a letter of promotion to task manager of the BT-PM project.

Initially, you had been excited to have been promoted, even if it was something you hadn't particularly wanted to do. But after you had learned you had only been put as task manager because the previous one had died, you weren't so sure the promotion was a good thing.

A month of observing had passed and you had yet to even see one of the Pillarmen up close. Then, the person that had been tasked with seeing the men up close had been absorbed by Santana, so now it fell on to your shoulders. You wondered what would happen if you died. The members of the team seemed too skittish to do anything by themselves.

You thumbed through the notes taken by the previous observer had taken. Overall, they were pretty vague. Santana's page was a hot mess, Wamuu's was neat-ish, Esidisi had hardly anything on his, and Kars had nothing on his page except for the pre-printed information provided by SPW.

PM01- Santana/San Tan/Sanviento/Santviento

There was a scribbled mess on the paper that you could barely make out. You best guess was chicken scratch. You tried your best to read through Santana's paper, but gave up due to eye strain.

The loud 'clop' noise from your sneakers finally stopped once you reached the first enclosure. You weren't sure how to feel about Mr. Joestar's request to call the containment zones 'enclosures'. It felt really demeaning. Plus, you didn't want to slip up and call one of the Pillarman's rooms an enclosure. Lord above knows what would happen. You scan your ID badge to get past the first security gate.

The containment zone had a buffer in front of it for maximum protection. The walls were solid concrete, and the huge window in front of the containment zone was made of bulletproof glass. The iron door was lined with a thin display of Ultraviolet light that prevented any escape. You stood in the buffer zone and stared into the enclosure to look for Santana. After a few moments of seeing nothing in the otherwise empty room, you can your ID badge and enter.

You look up on the ceiling just to make sure the orange haired Pillarman wasn't waiting to jump down on you. That was the one tip you remembered from the seminar. Thankfully, he wasn't there.

You scan the room to find a messy mop of persimmon hair tucked away in the far corner of the room. He was hidden behind a newspaper. From the very little that you could read on the paper, it told you not to engage him unless he was attempting to leave.

The Pillarman peeked over the newspaper for a moment before turning his attention back to his paper. You plop down a few paces in front of him and pulled your computer out. You logged in with a few simple taps on the keys. After the fate of the previous task manager, you had been given his computer and were expected to keep logs on it.


Santana showed no interest in me when I came into the room for the first time. He has looked at me a total of one time. Previous cases show the same amount of consideration on his part.

You close the tab. Having nothing else to do, you open up a few files past entries.



"Why are you in here?" A voice with no inflection asked. You jumped, startled at the sudden interception of silence.

You look up from the computer to see the Pillarman staring at you with a new interest. He had discarded the newspaper. He was sitting cross legged with his arms propping himself up.

"Pardon?" You ask, shocked to hear him speak.

"Why are you in here?" He repeated with the same, calm voice.

You stare back at him with a blank face.

"Are you like the other humans? The ones that come here to berate me after they chose to enrage me?" He elaborated.

"No, I'm here to study you," you managed. He considered your words for a moment.

"The humans before you claimed that as well," he responded, "those exact words. They treated me like an animal, are you going to do the same?"

You shook your head, "No. I wouldn't be here if the last, uh, human didn't die. It's not your fault that I'm here, so why would I take it out on you?"

One of Santana's orange eyebrows furrowed, "It was. It was directly my doing-"

"Yeah, but if the last task manager didn't treat you poorly and actually did his job, then I wouldn't be here," You reasoned, opening another tab on your computer. There was another stillness in the room. You read through some more files on Santana.

"What is that that you are using?" He asked, "Some type of computing device?"

Suddenly, the large man was next to you. He gently pried the computer from your grasp and began to mess with it. He tilted it different ways

"Well, I mean, it's called a computer, so I guess its a computing device," You said.

"What is it's purpose?" He asked, more to himself than anything.

"If you give it back to me, I can show you," You mumble.

You watched as he took the laptop apart piece by piece, making sure to be very delicate. He removed every single key, which made you inwardly groan at the thought of having to put them all back on.

"Why are the letters arranged this way? This isn't the way your alphabet is arranged," he murmured to himself.

"It was to slow people who wrote on typewriters down so that the little bars that transferred ink on to paper wouldn't jam up. It's pretty stupid in my humble opinion."

"What is a typewriter?"

"Like a keyboard but in a little machine that used ink and directly put letters on to paper."

"A keyboard?"

"It's what you just took a part."

Santana stared down at the little black keys in his hand.

"Such lengths to go for a simple scripture. Why not just use a writing utensil?" He asked, placing the keys on the ground and arranging them in alphabetical order. You smiled to yourself. He was like a child that had one two many questions, but you couldn't help but answer.

"It's complicated," You answered.

"These ones have more than one letter on them, what do they do?" Santana showed you the function keys.

"They preform specific functions on the computer. You press Fn for the prompt and them press one of these for that function. You see how Fn is blue? Anything else on the keys that has blue on it is a function. If you put the computer back together, I can show you what it does," You offer.

The orange haired Pillarman proceeded to put it together again and handed it back to you. Much to your surprise, he had put the keys back in their exact order.

"So, this is an internet browser. I can't really explain what the internet is, so you'll just have to watch. There are a few different types, but I use Firefox as my main one," You explained. You showed him everything on the display and how it worked. Santana was a very good listener. "So we can use the internet for almost anything. Like, if you want to look up what the color orange is, then we can do that." You typed orange into the search bar and opened up a Wikipedia article.

You got side tracked when you turned to look at him. Santana was focused on the screen while you looked at his face. You had heard a lot about the Pillarmen, including their attractiveness. It was different to see them up close. When you stopped talking, he picked his head up off of your shoulder and looked at you.

"Is there something wrong?" He questioned. It was his first personal question that he had asked the whole time.

"Uh, yeah, I, uh, think so," You stumbled over your words.

You spent a long time teaching him the functions of a computer. He listened very intently and asked a few questions here and there. You let out a bit yawn and tried to continue to teach him.

"If you're feeling fatigued, then you should rest," He said. You leaned into his shoulder without realizing it.

"Mhm, yeah, maybe," you drawled, snuggling into him.

Santana took hold of the computer and started to mess around with it. Your eyes shut and you could feel your body slip into the clutches of sleep. In your last moments of being awake, you could feel him lean into you in return.

Chapter Text


You immediately noticed the lack of red headed Pillarman as soon as you came to your senses. In a state of panic, you shot up from your place on the floor and darted to the doorway. You reached in to your pocket, only to find your badge missing. He must’ve taken it-

“What are you doing?” The same uninterested voice inquired.

God must have smiled on you this day. Santana cocked his head to the side, red curls following suit.

“I thought you had-“

“-run away?”

You nodded, letting out a breath you didn’t know you were holding in. You stared at him in disbelief.

“Your.. device has malfunctioned.”

He motioned to the laptop’s black screen. It must’ve died while you slept. With orange doe eyes, he looked up at you through his bangs.

“Are you going to bring another one?”

You had to remind yourself that you were dealing with a superhuman being with enhanced abilities and not a toddler that had accidentally broken their toy.

“Uh, the computer’s fine, the battery just died. I’d, um, charge it in here but there aren’t any outlets,” you answered.

He blinked, staring at you with a blank expression. If you hadn’t been watching him, you wouldn’t have noticed the slight twitch in his lips.

Santana stood, taking the laptop with him. In a few strides he managed to make it across the room to you. Delicately, he placed the laptop in your hands. A ghost of a smile flashed across his lips again.

“You wouldn’t happen to have my security badge with you, would you?”

He cocked his head to the side.

“A what?”

“A little card with a picture of me on it? I need it to, yknow.” You gestured to the door.

His eyes widened for a second before returning to their usual aloof look. He moved his hair back and unclipped the badge from his ear lobe.

“I assumed it was decoration,” he muttered, clipping it on your ear. You couldn’t help the smile at his childlike inquisitiveness. “I was confused as to why you would wear your own image.”

It took some time to leave. Santana continued with his questions, slowly approaching with each inquiry. You managed to escape when he seemed to be lost in thought.

Looking through the pane of glass that now separated you two, you couldn’t help but catch the way he looked at you. It was like a kicked puppy. He tilted his head to the side, slowly blinking at you.

You made a mental note that that was his way of processing new information, or some sort of tic. With a quick smile, you sped off to the observation room. There was no doubt that your team was interested to see if you survived.


You were met with a chorus of cheers when you opened the door to the main hub. It was very uncomfortable. You passed by coworkers that were obviously surprised you came back.


Retreating to your work nook, you plugged in your computer and booted it up. Santana most likely didn’t know about deleting history searches, so you could include that in his data file.

Connecting your phone to your speaker, you pulled up your 70s playlist and hit shuffle. Most likely you’d skip through half of the songs that you didn’t like, but it didn’t matter that much.

The laptop greeted you with a sad face and a blue screen. It was going to be one of those days, wasn’t it?

You sang along with Rupert Holmes while you waited for the computer to solve its own problems.

“It was my own lovely lady, and she said oh it’s you. Then we laughed for a moment and I said I never knew-“

“(Y/n) (L/n), your presence has been requested in Director Speedwagon’s office. (Y/n) (L/n), your presence has been requested in Director Speedwagon’s office.”

Grimacing, you turned off your music and made a beeline for the a Director’s office.


Rather than Director Speedwagon, Mr. Joestar was there to meet you. He wore an effervescent grin on his face. You forced a smile.

“You’re the one that’s watching over those rock bastards, aren’t ya?” He asked.

You nodded, clearing your throat.

“That’d be me. What did you need me for?”

He leaned on the cheap oak desk.

“Well, I thought I’d give you some tips for handling those fellas!” Mr Joestar beamed. His enthusiasm might have rubbed off on others, but you frankly were irritated by it.

“Thank you, but I’ve already started my study. I think I’ll manage.”

You had hoped that would be the end of the conversation, but it seemed he didn’t want it to be.

“Then maybe I can give you some tips over dinner sometime?”

Biting the inside of your cheek, you noticed the bright golden band that rested on his ring finger.

“Are you sure your wife would be okay with that?”

Not waiting to hear his response, you dashed out of the room. Who was he to try and hit on you when he clearly already had someone?


Your laptop had successfully rebooted. Logging in, you checked to see what Santana had searched for.

Most of it was keyboard smashing, but it progressively got more tangible. He seemed to be looking at the current events. Poor thing probably didn’t even know what half of the words on screen meant.

You cited the websites and took screen caps of the computer screen to include in your data set.

As you worked, you couldn’t stop thinking of the warm red curls that seemed to sway with each movement that he took. His orange eyes were so curious. They consumed every new piece of information.  His voice purred like a car engine. It felt like being wrapped up in a cozy blanket on a fall evening.

You shook your head. This was a millennia old superbeing that had strange powers, you shouldn’t be obsessing over him like some lovesick schoolgirl. As much as you tried, you couldn’t help but wonder about what it would be like to cuddle the curly haired Pillarman.


PM02 and PM04 have been taken for field testing

You groaned. So much for laying the groundwork in one day. You had hoped to do it in an orderly fashion, but now it looked like you had to skip to the third Pillarman.


There wasn’t much in his page, just a brief over view of his abilities. According to past entries, he was a bit of a dick.

You didn’t bother to take the same precautions with him as you did with Santana. You scanned your badge and barged in to the room.

A wise man once said, life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get. Well, in this case, you had apparently got the stale, left in the back room to ferment, box of chocolates. The power shut off just as you entered the room.

Normally, it wasn’t a big deal. The maximum threats, such as the Pillarmen, would just be put on lock down. The emergency power grid would come on to keep the ultraviolet screens up and keep the doors sealed. In a perfect world, you’d be on the other side.

But here you were, stuck in a room with a delusional superhuman with some sort of superiority complex.

You were made aware of the newfound coldness of the room. Curse SPW and their energy consumption.

“Are you just going to stand there? Or are you going to come over and make conversation with me?”

You shivered. You weren’t sure if it was from the cold or from the voice that boomed from the corner of the room. Probably a mixture of both.

“Well, if I could see you, we wouldn’t have this problem.”

He chuckled.

“Use one of those cellular-thingies that all of you humans have now.”

You mentally slapped yourself for not thinking of it.

Chapter Text

You shivered yet again. This time it for sure was because of the temperature.

Your teeth chattered as you brought out your phone to illuminate the room.

“Well?” The Pillarman asked, “are you coming or not?”

It took a moment to register in your brain. You rubbed your shoulders, desperate for heat.

He stared at you expectantly, his piercing blue gaze scrutinizing you as you approached. It was like he was sizing you up. Well, either that, or checking you out.

“At least you’re cute,” he chuckled. Yep, definitely checking you out. He patted his thigh, “Well? Come, sit.”

Rolling your eyes, you plopped down next to him. Your shoulder accidentally brushed his.

“Holy shit, you’re warm!”

He let out a snort, pulling you into his lap. He wrapped his arms around your torso, covering you in a pleasant heat. It wasn’t exactly the way you thought you’d meet him, but you were thankful for the lack of possible bloodshed.

“So, uh, how’s it going?” You stammered, unsure of how to conduct your interview with the being.

He chuckled again, “That’s what you’re going with? How’s it going?”

“Hey! You’re the one pulling me into your lap after only knowing me for a minute! Excuse me for not being able to think of something better!”

You looked up at him. Much like Santana, his features were firm and handsome, but Esidisi seemed more lively. He stared back at you with a smirk, his eyes crinkled at the corners. He reminded you of one of the ghosts of your past. You must have made a face because Esidisi furrowed his brow.

“Am I really that ugly?” He quipped, his smirk melting into a grin.

“No, it’s just you,” you trailed off, burying yourself in your own thoughts.

“I?” He pressed, lifting your chin so you would look him in the eyes.

“Never mind, I’ve already made this more awkward than humanly possible.”

It didn’t take very long for you to grow comfortable in the seemingly friendly pillar man’s presence. He was certainly more animated than Santana.

Esidisi seemed to be very interested in you. He was attentive, but in a different way than Santana had been. Santana, from your observations, seemed to process the information. But the little quirks in Esidisi’s facial expression told you that he was doing more than just listening and processing.

“But then I fooled around and fell in love~

I fooled around and fell in love~

What a horrible time for your coworker to call you. Esidisi’s face stretched into a mocking grin. Stiffly, you answered the phone.

“Hey, Jess.”

“Babes, you doing okay down there?” He drawled through the phone, “We’ll get the generators up and running in just a moment now.”

“Yeah, I’m okay. What even happened?”

Esidisi stood up and leaned over your shoulder, listening to your conversation. You batted him away, but it didn’t deter him.

“Some dickweed was fuckin’ around with the controls and blew several fuses.”

“Isn’t the control room one of the most secure places and the hardest thing to tamper with in this entire facility?”

Jess chuckled through the phone, “Yup, and guess who gets to fire the guy?”

You shook your head.

“Just get everything fixed soon, I’m stuck in here with one of our prime subjects.”

“Well, shit, Babes! You didn’t tell me that!”

Jess hung up the phone. Esidisi shifted you around in his lap, making you painfully aware of how cold the room was.

“What was that about?” He asked, leaning his head on your shoulder. It felt strangely natural, so you didn’t bother to correct him.

“My engineer friend called me to fill me in. Said it shouldn’t be too long before the heat and lights come back on,” you answered, shifting into Esidisi’s warm body. He grunted.

“So much for the wonders of modern technology,” he snickered.


It didn’t take long for Jess to get the grid up and running again. You didn’t bother to leave Esidisi’s warm body, even though the heater had turned on. Eventually you were dismissed by one of your coworkers.

As you neared your office, you noticed an unfamiliar person sitting in your cubicle. He spun around in the swivel chair. Your heart stopped. It was that goddamn Joestar.

Chapter Text

Santana pressed his ear to the ventilation unit, listening to the conversations from the rooms above. He picked up bits and pieces of different conversations before tuning in on the soft voice of his facilitator. He carefully pressed a finger into the vent, shifting his flesh and bones around. The red headed Pillarman maneuvered his body into the tiny vent, following the voice of his proctor.
At that point, he heard another voice coming from the same room. Santana squirmed, trying to get into a comfortable position. It didn’t work. His legs held him firmly in place. It wasn’t a matter of comfort for the Pillarman, however. Santana only wanted to hear the conversation happening in the room above him. He shut his eyes and listened intently.


“Before you yell at me,” Joestar began, “I feel like we got off on the wrong foot.” You held back a snarky comment and crossed your arms over your chest.

“Let’s walk,” he beamed, motioning for you to leave the cubicle.


Santana scrambled to maneuver back to his room. Before the duo had left, he had heard Joeseph passively mention coming to see the Pillarmen. If they walked at a leisurely pace, they could be at his room within five minutes. Santana slowly brought one leg out before tumbling back down the ventilation shaft. Before he landed at the junction, he stuck his arms out to slow his descent.
The noise of his flesh against the metal plated walls squealed. He skidded to a stop at the junction and slipped back through the ventilation unit and into his room.


“Were you really a Marine?” You held your breath for a moment.

“I read your file. It said you served two tours in-“

“Yes, I was a Marine. I’d rather not talk about it,” you grumbled. You turned the corner sharply and scanned your badge.

“Why did you want to come see the Pillarmen anyway?” Joseph scratched the back of his neck, grinning sheepishly.

“Well, uh-“

“Before you give me your reason, 02 and 04 aren’t in their rooms at the moment, so we can only see Santana or Esidisi.” Joseph looked surprised for a moment before covering it up terribly. “How about Santana?”


Santana feigned sleep. He made sure to take deep, slow breaths to really sell his facade. It wasn’t until he heard the soft noise that signaled that someone had entered did he let his muscles relax.

“He’s asleep, so you’d better be quiet,” his proctor snapped. “Okay, okay.” Santana eavesdropped on their conversation, listening to Joseph’s poor attempts at flirting. He could hear Joseph’s heart beat quickly, and Santana was sure that if he looked, the Joestar’s pupils would be blown wide. Santana might not have been an expert with humans, but he had learned enough from his masters to know that Joseph was smitten.

Santana tried to hide his disgust. He listened to his proctor’s heart beat. He was surprised to find that her’s was steady. A tiny part of him was happy that she wasn’t falling for Joseph’s shitty charm. Santana waited until Joseph spoke again to pretend to wake up.

“I told you to be quiet!” Santana held back a smile, slowly getting up from his resting position. He shuffled to his proctor, pulling her into a hug and resting his chin on her shoulder. He didn’t have to pretend to enjoy the closeness. “Woah, when did you two get all fuddy duddy together?” Jospeh asked. It didn’t take very much to hear the mild jealousy in his voice.

“I don’t know, we’ve only met once before,” Santana’s proctor admitted, “ maybe he’s more comfortable with me than with any of those assholes you put in here before.” Santana nuzzled into her neck, nodding. There was something so gratifying about having someone that was vaguely bitter to Joseph.

An uncomfortable silence settled over the three of them. “Let’s go see Esidisi,” Joeseph grumbled. Santana shook his head and growled.

“No,” Santana whispered into his proctor’s ear, “he’s obviously trying to curry favor with you.” He watched his proctor cross her arms across her chest, easing back into him slightly.

“Heh heh, yeah?” It was very hard for Santana not to smile.

“Why did you want to come down here, give it to me straight.”

“That’s what she sai-“

To say the Pillarman was surprised at what happened was an understatement. In a quick, fluid movement, his proctor had flipped Joseph over, turning his arm around and resting her heel on the back of his neck.

“You may be my superior,” she spat, “but I’ll be damned if I let some little trust fund brat waste my time. Now either tell me what you want, or leave us be.” Through strained words, Joseph garbled out, “I wanted to ask you out on a date.” She let go of his arm and removed her foot from his neck. Before he could get up, she delivered a swift kick to his ribs. “Get out, and don’t bother me unless you have something important to say.”

Chapter Text

   As it turns out, ‘assaulting’ a superior was actually a violation of several different codes. You learned this in Director Speedwagon’s office after you gave Joseph what he deserved.

   You could see how worn out the Director was by the bags under his eyes and the glossy sheen that coated his gaze. It must not’ve been the first time he’s had to do this. Behind him was Joseph, perched on a bookcase like a petulant child.

   Director Speedwagon drew in a big breath and sighed heavily.

   “Ms, uh-“ He squinted at the paper, obviously confused by your last name. Damn your parents for not just picking one.

   “Ms Strange is fine,” you answered for him.
   “Ms Strange, it’s come to our attention that you have had a,” he turned his head slightly and gave a pointed glare to Joseph, “run in with my grandson.”

   You nodded simply.

   “The reasons are unimportant, but I’ll have to suspend you from the project for the next week. It’s been speculated that your exposure to the Pillarmen has altered your judgement.”

    ‘Or that your grandson’s a dickhead and you’re just trying to prevent a lawsuit’, you thought bitterly.

    “During your suspension, we’re going to ask you to do inside research on your subjects.”

     The director gave a dismissive wave, and as soon as you shut the door behind you, you could hear him practically tear Joseph a new one.


     Santana stared at the door expectantly. It had been, well, he couldn’t really gauge the time well. It felt like an hour had passed. He picked at his fingers, trying to busy himself.

     He didn’t move from his spot until he heard a soft commotion from the vents. It piqued his interest, because as far as he knew, he was the only one who bothered to patrol. Santana waited a few more seconds before boosting himself up and into the ventilation unit.

    Following the sound, Santana found that it wasn’t any of the other three, but actually his proctor who was making the noise. He pressed his face to the grate, looking up at her. She, of course, didn’t notice. She was occupied at her computing device, angrily typing away.


    The noise wasn’t coming from her, though. It was coming from a pair of large black rectangles. Santana blinked to make sure he was seeing correctly. Sure enough, the obnoxious din was blasting from the rectangles, making his ears ring.


And if you don’t love me now,

You will never love me again,

I can still hear you saying,

You would never break the chain


   He didn’t have time to register his own movements. The grate had been removed and his hand was lightly tugging at her shoe. By the time he realized what had happened, she had already noticed him.

  “Oh, what the fuck? You can leave your room and shit too?!” She bolted to the cubicle door and slammed it shut.

    Since he had already shown himself, Santana pulled himself out of the vent, staring expectantly.

   “How the- You know what, I don’t want to know. Why are you here?” She whisper-hissed.

    Santana blinked. He wasn’t really sure, but the word came out quicker than he could stop it.


    Now it was her turn to blink. She went through about several different facial expressions before sighing and placing a small hand on his bicep.

    “Well, you gotta tough it out for one more week,” she said, “that little rumble I had with Hoeseph got me suspended from the project.”

     Santana couldn’t stop the frown on his face, nor his arms from circling around her in a firm, warm hug.

     There was something so comforting about her. Santana had an overwhelming urge to just hold her and never let go.

    Kars was never very affectionate, that could be why I’m so attached , he thought.

    She gave him a light squeeze back, “let me go, dude, I’m about to die of asphyxiation.”

    Reluctantly, Santana removed his arms from her smaller frame.

   “Okay, back down your little rabbit hole,” she smiled, “Speedweed said something about sending someone down to see all of you.”


    Hands down, that was probably the weirdest thing that happened to you this week. And you had cuddled with not one but two Aztec killing machines.

      Santana gave a pained smile(you assumed it was because he wasn’t used to smiling or anything other than a neutral face) and slipped back down the vent, giving a tiny wave before shooting back down into the system.

      You replaced the grate and sighed. What a cute little weirdo.