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Redemption

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“How much do I have left to play with?” There’s a dangerous look in Kyo’s eye when he asks, settling into Sugizo’s lap. It was so abnormally affectionate that Sugizo knows what's to come. The younger man’s palms settle on his shoulders, before drifting lower, across Sugizo’s Lunatic Fest t-shirt. It takes a second for his brain to react, Kyo’s touch just a little too much for him to handle. 

 

“A couple million at least,” Sugizo pauses when he hears a bit too much commotion outside of the closed door, cursing Kyo in his head for not having the decency to lock it. God forbid some unsuspecting staff member walk in on this scene. “Though, I was thinking about donating a bit more than I usually do this time, since the event was such a big success.” Kyo lets out a hum, though his facial expression reads a bit more on the angrier side. His hands still idly wander around Sugizo’s chest, silent. “And, I read things are getting a little worse so, I think it would be nice to donate a little more. Especially since I don’t think I’ll be able to visit.” He tries desperately to explain away his choice, trying to change Kyo’s expression to something more positive.

 

“I don’t know why you do that.” Sugizo searches Kyo’s face for a hint that he can’t be serious about this. That it’s a joke. “All these charitable causes and concerts and working for the greater good of society. Though, it doesn’t really matter.” He was crossing a boundary they had set at the very beginning of all of this- that Kyo would always leave him enough for his philanthropic projects. In fact, they rarely spoke about it, that was the inch Kyo allowed him in his finances. “You’re a faggot anyway.” Sugizo’s breath catches in his throat. It was like Kyo was out to hurt him, “If anyone ever found out what you let me do to you, do you think they’d still hail you as some socially conscious king? It’s not like you’re really religious either, so you're just concerned about what people think about you when you’re alive. People wouldn’t think so highly of you finding out you’re a fag that likes to spoil a younger man, even when you’re the one that should hold all the power here. You’re older than me, my industry senior, and you used to be a lot richer than me too. And you just let me walk all over you.” Kyo’s hand comes up to his face, and Sugizo flinches away. He never feared that Kyo would hit him, but he never thought Kyo would speak to him like this either. Anything can happen. The singer doesn’t strike him though, instead using his fingers to wipe Sugizo’s tears, cooing at him not to cry, “It’s just the truth.” 

 

Sugizo does cry, like the disobedient little thing Kyo has called him so many times before. It hurts for Kyo to speak about him like that, about the one thing he was able to keep for himself. 

 

“Please leave.” His voice is still groggy from crying and Sugizo just prays that Kyo hears him, because he doesn’t want to repeat it again. Kyo’s right, he shouldn’t let the younger man treat him like this. Every rule in society dictates that it should be the opposite, yet here they are. Kyo removes himself from Sugizo’s lap thankfully, gathering the few things he had brought with him, and he leaves. As relieved as he should be, there’s still a massive lump in his throat. Every breath makes it harder to hold his tears back. He hates himself, he hates Kyo, he hates that Kyo is right. He hates everything. He shouldn’t, he shouldn’t harbor such darkness in his heart like this, but he can’t help it. There’s noise from some of the other rooms further down the hall and it hurts  to just hear it. That’s where he should be, joining his colleagues in their celebrations. But he’s not, he’s just in one of the backstage rooms by himself, sobbing into his hands about nothing but the truth. 

 

“Oh, sorry. Wrong room.” The sudden voice causes Sugizo’s head to jerk up to see who it was. He instantly regrets it, given his broken state, because he’s faced with Kyos’ bandmate- Die, beer in hand. As if things couldn’t get any worse for him. The shocked look on Die’s face doesn’t help either. The guitarist takes a step back, looking down the hallway and back at Sugizo again. “Are you okay?”

 

Sugizo’s lips pursed at the comment, and he doesn’t particularly know how to answer that, “No.” Die takes it as an invitation to sit with him, closing the door behind him. It’s too close to what had just happened with Kyo for Sugizo to see it as genuine empathy. So he tries to swallow his tears and seem like he had his life together, not like a schoolgirl crying over a broken heart. “I enjoyed our stage today.” Sugizo instantly regrets speaking, again. His voice doesn’t mask what he’s feeling as much as his body language tries to.

 

“I did too. Your violin is some of my favorite parts of songs.” Die comments, taking another sip of his beer. Sugizo can’t quite search for what to say, his mind occupied on just why Die was beside him now, if it was truly an accident or Kyo sent him in to spy on Sugizo. There’s an uncomfortable silence between them, that Die is the first to break it, “I take it you’re not too keen on joining the drinking party next door, are you?”

 

 “Not really.” 

 

“Would you like to go to a bar with me? I was just going to head over and ask some other people, but you seem like a better candidate.” Die laughs, just a little bit, and Sugizo does too. It’s fake, but Sugizo hopes at some point tonight it will become real. 

 

“Sure.” He isn’t even quite sure if he has the funds to support such an endeavor right now, and it puts him center in dangerous territory but Die seems… different. Sugizo feels awful for harboring such reservations about a junior musician, who has never been anything but respectful and kind towards him. 



They manage to make it out of the venue without running into anybody, which was one of Sugizo’s fears. Die already had a drink in his system, so Sugizo elects to drive them to Die’s chosen bar. They talk briefly on the way over, that they’d probably have to get a cab each to head home, since Sugizo felt like drinking. He curses himself for adding yet another expense to this evening, but he needed this. Part of him knows drinking to suppress his emotions is an action he shouldn’t engage in but tonight was different. 

At the bar though, Sugizo is able to relax a little more. He allows Die to order for him. It’s cute seeing him describe the different mixed drinks he orders for the elder, and Sugizo gladly drinks down every one given his way. At the end, Sugizo ends up much drunker than Die. He’s not sloppy, but he no longer feels the painful ache in his heart from Kyo’s words. Sugizo isn’t entirely sure what he feels, but he gleefully agrees to Die suggestion of going back to his place instead. 

 

Sugizo feels happy on the taxi ride over to Die’s apartment. In fact, his heart is out ready to explode out of his chest when Die allows Sugizo  to sleep in his bed with him- Kyo never would’ve allowed that. He’s so happy that he doesn’t know when it starts, but his hands are tangled in Die’s and the younger man is kissing him. There’s still a twinge of alcohol left on his tongue, and he’s gentle. His kisses are gentle and sweet and everything Kyo has never given him. Sugizo loves every moment of it, as Die just gives him many gentle touches and praise as his hands roam. The same places Kyo has touched him, though this time it feels so different. The alcohol in his system makes it hard to react to anything, his arms heavy and uncooperative in his attempts to reciprocate, that at one point Die just places his wrists above Sugizo’s head, with a whisper, “let me take care of you, okay?”