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Chapter 5: loss

Summary:

kurisu loses. okabe finds.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

KuriGohan Hey

KuriGohan : Can we talk for a sec? when youre awake?

KuriGohan : there's something on my mind and idk who else to go to.

KuriGohan : Actually. You know what. Nevermind.

KuriGohan im fine

KuriGohan : ignore this 

KuriGohan sorry

KuriGohan im just being stupud

KuriGohan : so anyway, did you see the news about SERN building a supercollider?

KuriGohan They say it'll blow the hadron colliders advancements right out of the water

KuriGohan pretty big day for science, i guess

Kurisu felt herself deflate. For once, her messages riddled with kanji mistakes and grammatical errors failed to bother her. The energy had left her limbs, and with it had vanished her will for any semblance of conversation with Mad Scientist One. In its place was a weighty headiness, amplified by the looming deadline of an assignment perched precariously atop the horizon. 

One month ago, she'd done the unthinkable: a stranger, from the cesspool known as @channel, of all places, had somehow wormed his way into her head and sucked out any concern for her online privacy she had left. She'd given him her Line details, which felt like the internet equivalent of come on over to my house, what's mine is yours, and they'd struck up a familiar routine: bickering from behind the safe confines of their screen, occasionally sharing with each other the latest scientific advancements within the field and - even more frequently - arguing over which Star Trek iteration was the superior one.  

It felt wrong to call him a stranger, after two months of horribly repetitive conversation. She knew far more about the inner workings of his life and, loath as she was to admit it, his mind that, if they weren't separated by an entire ocean, she'd be almost inclined to call him a friend. Almost. The truth of the matter was that she'd never even seen a picture of him, let alone heard his voice, and there was enough sketchiness surrounding his relationship with the poor, innocent Mayuri (who was far too naive to be anything other than painfully honest) that she kept her guard up, poised for him to strike, ready to retreat at the closest hint of disappointment. 

Seriously. Hostage. The hell did that even mean? One month on and she was still confused. 

Kurisu swallowed a sigh. Whatever. She was going to give herself a headache if she thought any harder about whatever those two had going on. 

The darkness in her room was thick, save for the bright red digits on her alarm clock that cut through the night. 5:45am. She hadn't been able to sleep a wink, her eyes and fingers consumed in an endlessly mindless scroll of her @Channel feed, desperate for whatever distraction the dregs of the internet could offer her. She'd brushed past cat pics, porn, an entire thread that baited weebs into a battle royale for their waifus' honor, more porn, the latest breaking news in neuroscience, somehow even more porn (contributed by queefbelcher69 this time, yours truly, God fucking damn it-) 

A notification sprung to life at the top of her phone. 

HououinKyouma:  Well, if it isn't my favorite assistant, up well past her bedtime.

The desire to leave his message unopened was strong. Line, unlike @channel, had the unfortunate feature of informing its participants when people had seen a message. She unconsciously chewed at her lip, a habit Kurisu had apparently picked up from her mother (as her dad oh so graciously liked to remind her with a scowl) and the memory, however brief, of the woman with hair as red as poppy made her heart contract hard within her chest. She clicked on the notification. The harsh white glow of the app's background burned her eyes. 

HououinKyouma You think you can get out of talking with me that easily?

Kurisu snorted. God, this idiot was so bad with words. Was he trying to threaten her into opening up to him? Somehow, she doubted that. His social awkwardness was off the charts. For as much as Maho gave her crap about having the social skills of a feral cat, at least she knew how to somewhat navigate the rocky avenues of conversation. Her fingers hovered over the touchpad, ready to snipe a response. Exhaustion hung like a fog across her brain, however, rendering any witty reply half-baked at best. Her phone fell to the bed. She brought her legs up to her chest, buried her face into her ankles, and tried to blink away the sharp sting of tears creeping in on the edge of her vision. 

A few more loud notifications sent vibrations through her bedsheets. Kurisu refused to look. It took all her willpower to reign herself back under control. Don't cry, you can't cry, you shouldn't cry. Girl geniuses don't cry. That wasn't true, of course. At least, not for anyone who wasn't her.  

When at last the sting in her eyes subsided, she picked up her phone and braved a peak. 

HououinKyouma Assistant? 

HououinKyouma : Ah. The silent treatment. The Organization's favorite tactic.

HououinKyouma : Well, never fear.

HououinKyouma : That's never worked on me.

HououinKyouma : They've used many a manipulative gambit on my dear colleagues. Jackson, bless his soul. My beloved Irene, she never stood a chance. Harry Styles. You didn't hear that from me.

A smile. Kurisu smothered it before it had a chance to shine. 

HououinKyouma : My point is, you can ignore me all you like, but I'm hardened to their torture. I've been training for this moment all my life.

HououinKyouma : ... Not that you ignoring me is torture.

HououinKyouma : Because it isn't.

HououinKyouma : That's my point.

HououinKyouma : ...

HououinKyouma : You do understand that's my point, right?

Ah. Right. Annoyance. His greatest weapon.  

Damn, was she good at underestimating him. 

KuriGohan : ok are you done?

KuriGohan : because jeez. you are next level annoying

KuriGohan : please don't take that as a compliment

HououinKyouma : Well, well, well. Look who came crawling back.

HououinKyouma : Just as Hack;Gate (NAME TBD) predicted.

KuriGohan : Seriously? Still going with Hack;Gate?

KuriGohan : Look, Kyokuma, I can list about twenty names off the top of my head better than that one.

KuriGohan : ...What even is Hack;Gate, anyway? I still don't know.

HououinKyouma : Hack;Gate (NAME TBD) will reveal itself unto you in due time, assistant.

HououinKyouma : Also, don't forget the (NAME TBD) part. That's pivotal.

HououinKyouma Also also. It's Kyouma.

HououinKyouma : Why don't you know this by now?

A long pause. 

HououinKyouma : You know this by now.

And Kurisu laughed. 

The sound was rough in her throat, and unfamiliar to her ears. She shook herself, a little surprised at the outburst so soon after nearly breaking down at the thought of her; cleared her throat and continued on. 

KuriGohan : Anyway. Did you see the supercollider stuff?

HououinKyouma : I did. But that's not what I'm concerned about.

KuriGohan : Huh? Concerned?

HououinKyouma : You said you wanted to talk about something when I'm next free. Well. I'm free. What do you want to talk about?

KuriGohan : Oh.

KuriGohan : It's nothing, really. 

KuriGohan : Again. I was just being stupid.

KuriGohan : Having a moment.

KuriGohan : Whatever you want to call it.

KuriGohan : I'm fine now. Really.

Kurisu Makise didn't have "moments." She was the sixteen-year-old shining star of Viktor Chrondria, with an even brighter future laid out before her in the field of neuroscience. Crying was dumb. She didn't have anything to cry about. People cried because they wanted to be her, on track to get a degree at eighteen, money a promise that would never go unfulfilled. She had everything her dorky younger self had always wanted. 

...Except her. Or that

HououinKyouma : Weird.

HououinKyouma : It's almost like I don't believe you.

KuriGohan : Yeah, well

KuriGohan tbh neither do I

KuriGohan : but i don't want to talk about it anymore so

KuriGohan : put a pin in it. please.

HououinKyouma Is that any way to speak with your lab supervisor?

HououinKyouma As far as I'm concerned, your worries are mine.

HououinKyouma I'd be a rather poor mad scientist if they weren't.

Something akin to warmth spread flush across her chest. It was the closest he'd had ever come to sounding kind. Kurisu found herself caught off guard, for once robbed of any immediate reply, faced with a decision that seemed to carry the weight of the world: flick him off and walk away (so to speak), or let Mad Scientist One, of all people, know about how she truly felt. Her thumb hovered over the touchpad. Her heart pounded painfully in the chambers of her ears. 

He ruined it, of course. Just as everyone usually did. 

HououinKyouma : And not because I actually care about you.

HououinKyouma : Don't take this the wrong way.

HououinKyouma : It's merely an ugly necessity of science.

HououinKyouma : Your distractions could compromise the result of our experiments.

HououinKyouma : I'd be loath to allow that to happen under my watch.

Suddenly, that warmth became a heat, hot and sore and blazing upon her skin; her heartbeat a powerful thunder. 

KuriGohan : Wow.

KuriGohan Really. 

KuriGohan : You're a next-level jerk, you know that?

KuriGohan : I can't believe I even allowed myself 

KuriGohan : for just a moment 

She stopped there; the sentence unfinished. 

To trust you. 

KuriGohan : Whatever.

KuriGohan : I don't need you to care.

KuriGohan : I don't want you to care.

KuriGohan : so just drop it

KuriGohan : it's none of your business.

She really was an idiot. An even bigger idiot than Houkyoin or whatever his dumb fake name was. Only idiots made friends with @channel trolls. Only idiots gave out their Line details to said internet trolls. And only the biggest idiots of all, the crowning overachievers of idiocy, let themselves think - even for a second - that those soulless basement dwellers of online forums had any decency left in them to really give a shit about their fellow human being. 

"I need to get out more," Kurisu said, tone flat. If she wasn't careful, she was going to become just like the man on the other side of her screen, greasy and unwashed and nary a life outside her computer. 

Maybe she was already there. 

HououinKyouma I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. 

She tried to stare the words down. 

They glared back, unapologetic.  

HououinKyouma : I'm not

HououinKyouma the best at talking

HououinKyouma Mayuri will tell you that

HououinKyouma : Not that it's an excuse

HououinKyouma I've just upset her before too

HououinKyouma : So yes. I'm sorry.

HououinKyouma That's not the case, just so you know. I do care.

HououinKyouma You are my assistant, after all.

HououinKyouma Of course I do.

KuriGohan : then why not just say that?

KuriGohan : why be a dick and say something like that?

There was a long gap of nothing, punctuated by the heavy silence in the air. She could almost imagine he were in then room with her now, creepy though that might be, with his hands scrounged in his scruffy hair and his blank face buried into the fabric of a lab coat. It was hard, imagining someone you only had brief snippets of personality to go by - but it was also somehow a comfort, to think that she wasn't alone, even if her house was empty, and her bedroom a sight for sore eyes. Even if the person she was imagining right now sent poison flushing through her veins.  

Even if the faceless person in her head was the last person she wanted to see right now. 

HououinKyouma I was embarrassed.

Kurisu couldn't help it. She squeezed her phone so hard her palm burned red. 

HououinKyouma I don't know.

HououinKyouma I have a habit of saying things I don't mean.

HououinKyouma Especially when I'm scared.

The great Hououin Kyouma, scared? From what, a little scrap of human empathy?  

She could almost call the admission touching. Almost

KuriGohan : Seriously, dude, sometimes you feel like two subchannels away from turning into an incel. 

HououinKyouma What's an incel?

KuriGohan : American term.

KuriGohan : it's not a compliment.

HououinKyouma : You? Complimenting me?

HououinKyouma : I wouldn't dream.

KuriGohan : Good. You shouldn't.

Somehow, even when he infuriated her, she found herself pulled back into his orbit. The fire in her chest calmed, tamped down to sizzling coals ready to roar back to life at the slightest inclination of an attack. She didn't want to continue this conversation. She didn't. But anything, anything, was a distraction from the reminder that today, August 22nd, was the seven-year anniversary of the day her world had come crashing down. She looked to the urn on her windowsill. Its guardian flowers were wilting, heads hung limp in death.  

HououinKyouma : I'm sorry. Really.

HououinKyouma : If you don't want to talk about it, I understand.

HououinKyouma : But ... I'm here. If you do.

HououinKyouma From one mad scientist to another.

KuriGohan : Thanks. I guess.

KuriGohan : It was shitty, what you said

KuriGohan : but I guess I should remember you have about a 7 for your wisdom stat

KuriGohan : and a 5 in charisma

KuriGohan : if you were rolling a D20, you'd hit a natural 1 on pretty much all your responses

KuriGohan So I shouldn't expect much

KuriGohan : You're not exactly a whizz at this whole talking online thing

KuriGohan : makes me wonder how much worse you are IRL

HououinKyouma : Ouch.

HououinKyouma : But fair.

HououinKyouma  I deserved that.

KuriGohan : Payback hurts.

KuriGohan : damn though

KuriGohan : does it feel good

Should she tell him? 

Again, her gaze flicked to the urn. She'd been meaning to replace the peonies before they dried out. She wasn't exactly the best at taking care of flowers. University (and, regrettably, @channel) consumed so much of her life that keeping anyone beyond herself alive was a responsibility she wanted no part in. But it hurt to watch the peonies her mother had loved so much go from flushed pink to a sickly paste of what they once were. It was almost like a haunting reminder of what had happened to her mom - the way she'd lost her color so quickly, so unfathomably.  

Did it really matter if she told him what was up? He didn't know her any more than she knew him. It was easy to be honest if she hid behind the facade of KuriGohan - the girl who blended into the crowd as seamlessly as a fish into its school. To Hououin Whatshisface, she was an assistant - nothing more, nothing less.  

KuriGohan : It's my mom.

No going back now. 

KuriGohan : She died 7 years ago.

KuriGohan : Today's the anniversary of that.

KuriGohan : lmao. anniversary

KuriGohan : -_-

KuriGohan : that feels like the wrong word

KuriGohan : like i should be celebrating

KuriGohan : I'm not

KuriGohan : I loved her a lot

KuriGohan : she was kinda my best friend

KuriGohan : but they

KuriGohan : that was seven years ago. what did i know

KuriGohan : I was just a dumb kid

KuriGohan : like I said

KuriGohan : I'm being stupid

KuriGohan : It really doesn't matter

KuriGohan : And it's not a big deal

KuriGohan : So yeah. That's it.

Once she'd started, she couldn't stop. The dam was broken. Words flowed out from her fingertips, broken and sloppy, but raw and true. She felt that familiar sting behind her eyes, the prick of tears sharp as knives threatening to stab through her vision, and she wanted to hold them back, she did, but it had been so long since she'd allowed herself to talk freely about her mother. Now that she was on a roll, the momentum pushed down at her.  

Newton's law of gravity was simple: mass attracts mass. The more mass, the stronger the attraction; the more distance, the weaker.  

It felt good to let gravity do its thing for once. 

KuriGohan : What? Did I finally make you speechless, Okarin?

HououinKyouma : Hey.

HououinKyouma Regardless of my previous transgressions.

HououinKyouma It's still Hououin Kyouma to you.

KuriGohan : Ah. Right.

KuriGohan Kyouin Hyokuma. 

KuriGohan : My apologies. Really.

HououinKyouma  ...I'll let this slide just this once.

HououinKyouma Anyway. You're very good at deflecting, aren't you, Christina?

HououinKyouma Maybe we're more alike than I once thought.

KuriGohan Ew. You and me? Alike?

KuriGohan : No offense but I'd literally rather die.

HououinKyouma : Unfortunately for you, the Organization is incredibly fond of deflection. It's one of the more common weapons in their arsenal.

KuriGohan : Oh no. Here we go again.

KuriGohan : Back at it again with the Organization jumbo.

HououinKyouma  I'm sorry about your mom. I lost someone too, a long time ago.

Kurisu stopped. Her prepared deflections fell dead upon her fingers.  

HououinKyouma : Mayuri's grandmother. Our families were close.

HououinKyouma : It felt like losing my own, in a way.

HououinKyouma : Not to say it's the same as losing a parent.

HououinKyouma : But I understand. Even if only a fraction.

HououinKyouma  Losing someone you love...

HououinKyouma I wouldn't wish that upon anybody

HououinKyouma Not my worst enemies

HououinKyouma Not even the Organization.

HououinKyouma And especially not you.

HououinKyouma And you're, you know

HououinKyouma not alone.

HououinKyouma Christina? You there?

She was. And she wasn't.  

The tears came sharp and heavy, and they hurt, damn it, they hurt so badly. She was almost grateful for the pain. It tore through her head with the sharpened point of a knife.  

No one had ever really said that to her before - that her pain was valid. That it sucked. Majorly. Because it did. There was no other word around it. It sucked, it hurt, and there was nothing and no one that could ever bring her mom back. That was the way of the world. The way of death. 

But she wasn't alone.  

He said she wasn't alone. 

(He lied.) 

Please, please, she didn't want to be alone. 

KuriGohan : I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

KuriGohan : I didn't know you had it in you.

HououinKyouma Do you really think of me as some kind of monster?

Kurisu thought long and hard about that question. Finally, she typed her candid response. 

KuriGohan : No.

KuriGohan : I think you're a weirdo, don't get me wrong. 

It felt good to use his own words against him.

KuriGohan : I think you have a lot of hot takes, and by hot takes I mean bad takes. Really, really bad takes.

KuriGohan : And I think you're kinda my definition of cringe. Even if cringe culture is dead, it lives on in you.

HououinKyouma I'm flattered.

HououinKyouma You know, for someone hellbent on calling me every name under the sun, you sure are preachy.

KuriGohan : Give me a sec. I haven't gotten to the good stuff yet.

KuriGohan : Where was I ... oh yeah.

KuriGohan : You're socially inept, annoying, melodramatic, paranoid and even though we've never met IRL and probably never will, I can confidently say you need a shower. 

KuriGohan Please. Go have one. 

KuriGohan Soon. 

KuriGohan I beg. 

HououinKyouma  It's to repel the Organization.

KuriGohan And also any chance at getting a girlfriend -_-

KuriGohan : But underneath all that. I guess you're okay.

KuriGohan Youre not the worst guy I've ever met

KuriGohan : And ... you care. About Mayuri. About science.

(About me.) 

KuriGohan I guess I care a little about you too.

KuriGohan : Just a little

KuriGohan : like. the tiniest smidge of care? that's me to you

KuriGohan : Don't get ahead of yourself

KuriGohan : It means nothing

KuriGohan Shut up.

HououinKyouma For what it's worth

HououinKyouma You're okay too, Christina.

HououinKyouma Now. If I do recall.

HououinKyouma replied to KuriGohan

KuriGohan :  You're socially inept, annoying, melodramatic, paranoid and even though we've never met IRL and probably never will, I can confidently say you need a shower.  

HououinKyouma : Probably is not a strong word. Interesting choice.

KuriGohan : Don't you even dare think about it, pervert.

She was glad he moved on quickly. Truth be told, she didn't want to linger on what they'd both just admitted to. Dwelling was a dangerous past-time. The heat in her cheeks was proof of that.  

They bickered about anything and everything, well into the early hours of the morning. 

Mom's peonies watched on.  


mayunya started a group chat

mayunya added HououinKyouma and KuriGohan 

mayunya sent a sticker 

Mayunya omggggg finally !!

mayunya sent a sticker 

mayunya sent a sticker 

mayunya sent a sticker 

mayunya sent a sticker  

mayunya sent a sticker 

mayunya sent a sti-- 

Notes:

I want to thank everyone for all the amazing comments that have poured into my inbox over the past year and a half.

2020 was a tough time for all of us. For me, all my energy was consumed by university. But it meant so much to me that every so often, I'd receive the kindest review on this fanfiction. To know it was still being read and enjoyed by so many people. I never expected this kind of response. The Steins;Gate fandom is honestly so good.

I'll be honest. Your comments are the reason I was able to sit down today and write up this chapter, even if it did turn out more lackluster than I would have liked. I do hope you enjoy it regardless. And rest assured that I am not dead. I would also still very much like to keep this fanfic alive, though I can't promise the most frequent of updates during semesters.

Also, thank you to my amazing fiancee <3 She also encouraged me to write this chapter, and in general has always helped me with my confidence and overcoming my fears in relation to writing. I love her so much.

I'm so sorry for the long gap in between chapters 4 and 5. I'm even more sorry that this chapter is a bit more somber and sad compared to the others. But let me know what you think and, again, thank you for being my highlight in a year that tried to tear me down. Unplugged is back, and I'm going to try my damn hardest to keep it that way <3