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shooting the shit

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JADE: mmmf!!
JADE: davf, thish actuay tashts wike foo!
DAVE: uh yeah ofc it does
DAVE: did you expect me to be a comically awful cook or something
DAVE: slander
DAVE: only competent food creation aloud in the davekat household
JADE: well that sounds extremely out of character
JADE: wasn’t the pantry over there filled with hot pockets the last time i was here?
DAVE: what does that have to do with meal preparation
DAVE: come on dont try to insinuate that i cant even microwave a hot pocket im not a fucking heterosexual
JADE: okay, okay, i get it.
JADE: you’re very gay and in love with karkat!
DAVE: well
DAVE: fuck
DAVE: ok can you really blame me though just look at the guy
DAVE: have you seen his face when he hears a really good joke
DAVE: he gets this stupid little grin he tries to hide but then i comment on it in a predictably humorous striderian fashion
DAVE: and it just gets bigger and his face goes all red and
DAVE: wow that is
DAVE: quite a lot of words that just came out of my mouth wasnt it
DAVE: shit
DAVE: jade are you okay you look like youre choking
DAVE: do we need to get my good man heimlich in here or
JADE: ahaha, bowl o you to ahhume i can’t, hahahaha, prshinally prrfor eh heilich aneuvrr in y sheep!
JADE: alsho... nope! i’m fine now.
JADE: you really shouldn’t embarrass yourself so thoroughly while i’m eating, it’s bad for my health!
DAVE: well excuse me for being in love with my boyfriend
DAVE: fuck!
JADE: hehehehehe!!!
DAVE: anyway is the food still good or did your awful assumption about me turn out to be true
JADE: it’s still pretty decent. guess i gotta hand you this one!
JADE: but you know, just one thing is missing.
JADE: this meal could really use a tiiiny touch of............
DAVE: of
JADE: .............................
DAVE: are you gonna make me guess
JADE: ........................................
DAVE: ok youre a plant girl so its probably a herb or something
DAVE: what’s that one with the spicy leaves called
JADE: ........................
DAVE: fuckin uh
DAVE: hazel
DAVE: maize bell
JADE: ....................
DAVE: BASIL thats the bitch
JADE: ............
DAVE: dammit
DAVE: thats like
DAVE: the only food plant i know the name of
JADE: .....
DAVE: wait
JADE: ...
DAVE: wait
JADE: .
DAVE: oh my fucking god don’t you da
JADE: thyme 8)
JADE: also it’s pronounced “herb”
JADE: the h is silent silly!!!
DAVE: ok just coasting over that entire section of our conversation for a second
DAVE: whether or not i say herb or your worse version is up to me
DAVE: theres no set rule for the word yknow
JADE: that doesn’t mean you’re right!
JADE: i distinctly remember writing my latest dissertation last week, and unless i’m suffering from a particularly sneaky bout of amnesia, i remember that various herbs were heavily discussed in the bulk of the-
DAVE: how many fancy college degrees do you really need man
DAVE: were gods wont people just trust you know what youre doing
JADE: considering some of the dumbasses we’ve set loose on earth c, i wouldn’t be so surprised if people aren’t so quick to trust me!
DAVE: have you been talking to rose and kanaya lately
DAVE: i dont think ive been this thoroughly destroyed by anyone other than those two in my life
DAVE: is their destructive influence spreading
DAVE: karkat
DAVE: karkat get in here
KARKAT: WHAT IS IT?
KARKAT: DID YOU KILL JADE.
DAVE: tf you talkin about
KARKAT: OH, SORRY. I THOUGHT YOU WERE MAKING HER EAT YOUR GODAWFUL COOKING TODAY.
KARKAT: IT’S PROBABLY A GOOD THING YOU GAVE HER JANE’S INSTEAD.
JADE: ohhhhh so that’s why i’m not writhing in pain on the ground right now!
DAVE: dude i called you in here so we could prepare the emergency sarcasm bunker
DAVE: but tragically youve been infected too
DAVE: the one man i thought i could trust
DAVE: taken by the sarpocalypse
DAVE: the sarcatastrophe
DAVE: the sarcasaclysm
KARKAT: (ANYWAYS HI JADE.)
JADE: (hi karkat!)
KARKAT: (I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE FOR THIS DOUCHEBAG I REGRETFULLY CALL MY PARTNER.)
JADE: (don’t worry, i’m used to it by now hehe)
JADE: (actually i should be thanking you! he was so much more insufferable before he met you.)
KARKAT: (IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?)
KARKAT: (OH, FUCK. YOU’RE RIGHT. THE MEMORIES OF PAINFUL INTERACTION WITH A SIX SWEEP OLD VERSION OF HIM ARE POURING BACK INTO THE FOREFRONT OF MY PAN, UNLEASHED FROM THE DUSTY CORNERS I’D STRUGGLED TO CONFINE THEM TO.)
KARKAT: (ALTHOUGH, TO BE FAIR, HE ISN’T MUCH MORE TOLERABLE THESE DAYS. LESS MISOGYNISTIC? YES. LESS SELF-CENTERED AND ANNOYING? COULDN’T BE HIM!)
JADE: (at least nowadays he doesn’t try to hide his debilitating childhood crush on june hehehe!)
JADE: (now i just gotta get you to admit your own...)
KARKAT: OVER MY DEAD BODY!
DAVE: what no wdym
DAVE: the homoeroticism is a key part of this plan you cant throw that out the window now
KARKAT: ???
DAVE: whatever im sure youll change your mind once were sixty days into solitary confinement and youre starting to go batty from the lack of strider ass in your life
KARKAT: DAVE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
DAVE: dammit you didnt hear any of that did you
DAVE: please tell me you at least heard me call it the sarcasaclysm thats a killer name
KARKAT: *SIGH* YES.
KARKAT: THAT PARTICULAR PORTMANTEAU WAS SO KILLER IT ANNIHILATED THE AURICULAR SPONGE CLOT I HAD GRACIOUSLY POINTED IN YOUR DIRECTION.
KARKAT: AFTER THAT DEVASTATING ATTACK, I WAS FORCED TO COMPLETELY IGNORE YOU FOR AN AGONY-FILLED TWO MINUTES. FOR MY OWN SAFETY, OF COURSE.
JADE: also we were still dissing you :)
DAVE: B(
JADE: hehehehehe!!! <3
DAVE: karkat wait
KARKAT: FUCK, AM I NOT ALLOWED TO HYDRATE MYSELF ANYMORE?
DAVE: oh no thats fine yeah
DAVE: you know what they say hydrate or diedrate haha
KARKAT: HEY, IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DAVE: what no why would something be wr-
KARKAT: SHUT UP, LET ME THINK.
DAVE:
DAVE:
DAVE:
DAVE: are you done yet
KARKAT: NO!!!
KARKAT: ...ACTUALLY, YES.
KARKAT: MY SUDDEN SHOUTED DISMISSAL WAS ENTIRELY DUE TO JADE MEDDLING IN MY CURSED PAST. IT GENUINELY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE “HOMOEROTICISM” YOU WERE GOING ON ABOUT.
KARKAT: YES, I STILL WANT TO BE HUMAN GAY WITH YOU. TROLL GAY, TOO.
DAVE: kk you cant just reach into my psyche and bear my soul to the world like this
DAVE: there are permits for this shit and i damn well dont remember you signing any papers in recent history
DAVE: what are you forging legal documents n-
KARKAT: OKAY I’M GONNA STOP YOU THERE.
KARKAT: DID I FIX IT? OR WAS THAT AN AWFUL MISINTERPRETATION-FILLED ATTEMPT AT CONSOLING YOU. FUCK, I’M SORRY IF IT WAS.
DAVE: wait no dont apologize that was so sweet
DAVE: i mean dude youre the best i
DAVE: thank you <3
KARKAT: MMMMF!!!
DAVE: uh fuck sorry was that too much did i overdo it again haha classic strider bullshit am i r-
KARKAT: NO!
KARKAT: THAT
KARKAT: THAT WAS NICE. (:B
JADE: awwwwwwwwww :)))
JADE: you two are so dumb, hehehe!
DAVE: btw whats this meddling in karkats cursed past im hearing about
JADE: we were discussing how you and karkat both used to have huuuge crushes on june!
KARKAT: BOLD OF YOU TO ASSUME DAVE EVER GOT OVER HIS.
DAVE: tbh i could say the same about you karkles
KARKAT: IMPOSSIBLE. I RECOVERED FROM THAT AFFLICTION SWEEPS AGO.
JADE: so you admit to it!!!
KARKAT: FUCK!
DAVE: wait did you not know about the whole trolling her backward through time because he made a fool of himself thing
DAVE: i swear ive told that story before
JADE: no, you did! of course i already knew about karkat’s crush.
JADE: i just wanted to hear it from his mouth, so i could quote this specific conversation in the future while doing a funny impression of him!
DAVE: that is extremely valid
DAVE: doing impressions of karkat is the funniest shit
KARKAT: HONESTLY, I CAN’T DENY THAT.
KARKAT: IT FORCES PEOPLE TO LOWER THEMSELVES TO MY LEVEL AND MAKE AN UTTER GODDAMN FOOL OF THEMSELVES, JUST LIKE I AM FORCED TO DO EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.
KARKAT: MAYBE WITH ENOUGH TIME SPENT PRETENDING TO BE ME, ONE CAN FINALLY BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND THE PURE AGONY THAT IS MY DAILY EXISTENCE.
JADE: hehehehe!
KARKAT: IS IT JUST ME, OR ARE YOU PARTICULARLY CHEERFUL TODAY, JADE?
JADE: ding ding ding! today’s been a pretty awesome day!
JADE: or should i say... a puretty awesome day ;)
KARKAT: WAIT, OH MY GOG!
KARKAT: DID DAVEPETA FINALLY SHOW YOU THAT SPOT THEY’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT?
JADE: you know it :D
DAVE: hey what
DAVE: a new hangout spot i wasnt alerted of
DAVE: someone gimme the coords rn
KARKAT: DAVE.
DAVE:
DAVE: it has spontaneously occurred to me that maybe this is a lowkey private spot for jade and davepeta specifically and asking to go there is very stupid
KARKAT: THANK YOU.
JADE: karkat’s right dummy, the location is a secret!
JADE: but i can still tell you about it :)