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shooting the shit

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JADE: mmmf!!
JADE: davf, thish actuay tashts wike foo!
DAVE: uh yeah ofc it does
DAVE: did you expect me to be a comically awful cook or something
DAVE: slander
DAVE: only competent food creation aloud in the davekat household
JADE: well that sounds extremely out of character
JADE: wasn’t the pantry over there filled with hot pockets the last time i was here?
DAVE: what does that have to do with meal preparation
DAVE: come on dont try to insinuate that i cant even microwave a hot pocket im not a fucking heterosexual
JADE: okay, okay, i get it.
JADE: you’re very gay and in love with karkat!
DAVE: well
DAVE: fuck
DAVE: ok can you really blame me though just look at the guy
DAVE: have you seen his face when he hears a really good joke
DAVE: he gets this stupid little grin he tries to hide but then i comment on it in a predictably humorous striderian fashion
DAVE: and it just gets bigger and his face goes all red and
DAVE: wow that is
DAVE: quite a lot of words that just came out of my mouth wasnt it
DAVE: shit
DAVE: jade are you okay you look like youre choking
DAVE: do we need to get my good man heimlich in here or
JADE: ahaha, bowl o you to ahhume i can’t, hahahaha, prshinally prrfor eh heilich aneuvrr in y sheep!
JADE: alsho... nope! i’m fine now.
JADE: you really shouldn’t embarrass yourself so thoroughly while i’m eating, it’s bad for my health!
DAVE: well excuse me for being in love with my boyfriend
DAVE: fuck!
JADE: hehehehehe!!!
DAVE: anyway is the food still good or did your awful assumption about me turn out to be true
JADE: it’s still pretty decent. guess i gotta hand you this one!
JADE: but you know, just one thing is missing.
JADE: this meal could really use a tiiiny touch of............
DAVE: of
JADE: .............................
DAVE: are you gonna make me guess
JADE: ........................................
DAVE: ok youre a plant girl so its probably a herb or something
DAVE: what’s that one with the spicy leaves called
JADE: ........................
DAVE: fuckin uh
DAVE: hazel
DAVE: maize bell
JADE: ....................
DAVE: BASIL thats the bitch
JADE: ............
DAVE: dammit
DAVE: thats like
DAVE: the only food plant i know the name of
JADE: .....
DAVE: wait
JADE: ...
DAVE: wait
JADE: .
DAVE: oh my fucking god don’t you da
JADE: thyme 8)
JADE: also it’s pronounced “herb”
JADE: the h is silent silly!!!
DAVE: ok just coasting over that entire section of our conversation for a second
DAVE: whether or not i say herb or your worse version is up to me
DAVE: theres no set rule for the word yknow
JADE: that doesn’t mean you’re right!
JADE: i distinctly remember writing my latest dissertation last week, and unless i’m suffering from a particularly sneaky bout of amnesia, i remember that various herbs were heavily discussed in the bulk of the-
DAVE: how many fancy college degrees do you really need man
DAVE: were gods wont people just trust you know what youre doing
JADE: considering some of the dumbasses we’ve set loose on earth c, i wouldn’t be so surprised if people aren’t so quick to trust me!
DAVE: have you been talking to rose and kanaya lately
DAVE: i dont think ive been this thoroughly destroyed by anyone other than those two in my life
DAVE: is their destructive influence spreading
DAVE: karkat
DAVE: karkat get in here
KARKAT: WHAT IS IT?
KARKAT: DID YOU KILL JADE.
DAVE: tf you talkin about
KARKAT: OH, SORRY. I THOUGHT YOU WERE MAKING HER EAT YOUR GODAWFUL COOKING TODAY.
KARKAT: IT’S PROBABLY A GOOD THING YOU GAVE HER JANE’S INSTEAD.
JADE: ohhhhh so that’s why i’m not writhing in pain on the ground right now!
DAVE: dude i called you in here so we could prepare the emergency sarcasm bunker
DAVE: but tragically youve been infected too
DAVE: the one man i thought i could trust
DAVE: taken by the sarpocalypse
DAVE: the sarcatastrophe
DAVE: the sarcasaclysm
KARKAT: (ANYWAYS HI JADE.)
JADE: (hi karkat!)
KARKAT: (I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE FOR THIS DOUCHEBAG I REGRETFULLY CALL MY PARTNER.)
JADE: (don’t worry, i’m used to it by now hehe)
JADE: (actually i should be thanking you! he was so much more insufferable before he met you.)
KARKAT: (IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?)
KARKAT: (OH, FUCK. YOU’RE RIGHT. THE MEMORIES OF PAINFUL INTERACTION WITH A SIX SWEEP OLD VERSION OF HIM ARE POURING BACK INTO THE FOREFRONT OF MY PAN, UNLEASHED FROM THE DUSTY CORNERS I’D STRUGGLED TO CONFINE THEM TO.)
KARKAT: (ALTHOUGH, TO BE FAIR, HE ISN’T MUCH MORE TOLERABLE THESE DAYS. LESS MISOGYNISTIC? YES. LESS SELF-CENTERED AND ANNOYING? COULDN’T BE HIM!)
JADE: (at least nowadays he doesn’t try to hide his debilitating childhood crush on june hehehe!)
JADE: (now i just gotta get you to admit your own...)
KARKAT: OVER MY DEAD BODY!
DAVE: what no wdym
DAVE: the homoeroticism is a key part of this plan you cant throw that out the window now
KARKAT: ???
DAVE: whatever im sure youll change your mind once were sixty days into solitary confinement and youre starting to go batty from the lack of strider ass in your life
KARKAT: DAVE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
DAVE: dammit you didnt hear any of that did you
DAVE: please tell me you at least heard me call it the sarcasaclysm thats a killer name
KARKAT: *SIGH* YES.
KARKAT: THAT PARTICULAR PORTMANTEAU WAS SO KILLER IT ANNIHILATED THE AURICULAR SPONGE CLOT I HAD GRACIOUSLY POINTED IN YOUR DIRECTION.
KARKAT: AFTER THAT DEVASTATING ATTACK, I WAS FORCED TO COMPLETELY IGNORE YOU FOR AN AGONY-FILLED TWO MINUTES. FOR MY OWN SAFETY, OF COURSE.
JADE: also we were still dissing you :)
DAVE: B(
JADE: hehehehehe!!! <3
DAVE: karkat wait
KARKAT: FUCK, AM I NOT ALLOWED TO HYDRATE MYSELF ANYMORE?
DAVE: oh no thats fine yeah
DAVE: you know what they say hydrate or diedrate haha
KARKAT: HEY, IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DAVE: what no why would something be wr-
KARKAT: SHUT UP, LET ME THINK.
DAVE:
DAVE:
DAVE:
DAVE: are you done yet
KARKAT: NO!!!
KARKAT: ...ACTUALLY, YES.
KARKAT: MY SUDDEN SHOUTED DISMISSAL WAS ENTIRELY DUE TO JADE MEDDLING IN MY CURSED PAST. IT GENUINELY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE “HOMOEROTICISM” YOU WERE GOING ON ABOUT.
KARKAT: YES, I STILL WANT TO BE HUMAN GAY WITH YOU. TROLL GAY, TOO.
DAVE: kk you cant just reach into my psyche and bear my soul to the world like this
DAVE: there are permits for this shit and i damn well dont remember you signing any papers in recent history
DAVE: what are you forging legal documents n-
KARKAT: OKAY I’M GONNA STOP YOU THERE.
KARKAT: DID I FIX IT? OR WAS THAT AN AWFUL MISINTERPRETATION-FILLED ATTEMPT AT CONSOLING YOU. FUCK, I’M SORRY IF IT WAS.
DAVE: wait no dont apologize that was so sweet
DAVE: i mean dude youre the best i
DAVE: thank you <3
KARKAT: MMMMF!!!
DAVE: uh fuck sorry was that too much did i overdo it again haha classic strider bullshit am i r-
KARKAT: NO!
KARKAT: THAT
KARKAT: THAT WAS NICE. (:B
JADE: awwwwwwwwww :)))
JADE: you two are so dumb, hehehe!
DAVE: btw whats this meddling in karkats cursed past im hearing about
JADE: we were discussing how you and karkat both used to have huuuge crushes on june!
KARKAT: BOLD OF YOU TO ASSUME DAVE EVER GOT OVER HIS.
DAVE: tbh i could say the same about you karkles
KARKAT: IMPOSSIBLE. I RECOVERED FROM THAT AFFLICTION SWEEPS AGO.
JADE: so you admit to it!!!
KARKAT: FUCK!
DAVE: wait did you not know about the whole trolling her backward through time because he made a fool of himself thing
DAVE: i swear ive told that story before
JADE: no, you did! of course i already knew about karkat’s crush.
JADE: i just wanted to hear it from his mouth, so i could quote this specific conversation in the future while doing a funny impression of him!
DAVE: that is extremely valid
DAVE: doing impressions of karkat is the funniest shit
KARKAT: HONESTLY, I CAN’T DENY THAT.
KARKAT: IT FORCES PEOPLE TO LOWER THEMSELVES TO MY LEVEL AND MAKE AN UTTER GODDAMN FOOL OF THEMSELVES, JUST LIKE I AM FORCED TO DO EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.
KARKAT: MAYBE WITH ENOUGH TIME SPENT PRETENDING TO BE ME, ONE CAN FINALLY BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND THE PURE AGONY THAT IS MY DAILY EXISTENCE.
JADE: hehehehe!
KARKAT: IS IT JUST ME, OR ARE YOU PARTICULARLY CHEERFUL TODAY, JADE?
JADE: ding ding ding! today’s been a pretty awesome day!
JADE: or should i say... a puretty awesome day ;)
KARKAT: WAIT, OH MY GOG!
KARKAT: DID DAVEPETA FINALLY SHOW YOU THAT SPOT THEY’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT?
JADE: you know it :D
DAVE: hey what
DAVE: a new hangout spot i wasnt alerted of
DAVE: someone gimme the coords rn
KARKAT: DAVE.
DAVE:
DAVE: it has spontaneously occurred to me that maybe this is a lowkey private spot for jade and davepeta specifically and asking to go there is very stupid
KARKAT: THANK YOU.
JADE: karkat’s right dummy, the location is a secret!
JADE: but i can still tell you about it :)

Chapter Text

JADE: they texted me these coordinates for a part of the world i’d never explored before, so naturally i was excited! but when i got there it was just a plain old forest.
JADE: don’t get me wrong forests are neat! but man this was a biiiig forest. just trees and trees and more trees everywhere i looked, covering the grass completely.
JADE: davepeta came whooshing out of a tree and yelled
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < hey jade!
JADE: oh hi davepeta!!!
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < can somebody puretty please open this door
KARKAT: YEAH, LET ME GET THAT FOR YOU.
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: BOO < karkat!
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < its been a while since we chatted it up huh
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < meowre things going fur you
DAVE: fuck thats such a good pun
KARKAT: IS THERE REALLY SUCH A THING AS A “GOOD” PUN?
DAVE: of cour–
KARKAT: WAIT, DON’T ANSWER THAT, I’M TALKING TO DAVEPETA NOW.
KARKAT: YOUR SORRY ASS IS GONNA HAVE TO WAIT ITS TURN.
DAVE: th–
KARKAT: I’M DOING SURPRISINGLY WELL THESE DAYS, DAVEPETA.
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < hell yeah you deserve it man
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < howz about you dave did you finish that track
DAVE: it still needs some polishing but goddamn your beatboxing is revolutionary
DAVE: i wasnt sure what was missing before we recorded those samples
DAVE: turns out i really just needed some davecat action
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < beatboxing fuckin rules
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < especially when mew got the potential of thr33 species with radically different vocal cord types at your clawtips
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < really idk how i efur managed with a boring old human voice
DAVE: yeah yeah i get it youre better at sick fires than ill ever be
DAVE: no need to rub it in so much dpets
DAVE: my self esteem levels are plummeting as we speak
DAVE: the stuffy investors living somewhere in my brain are going batty at these numbers
DAVE: how will they buy all their grandnephews and grandnieces highend gaming laptops if they lose all their money in this disastrous venture
DAVE: youre completely ruining these spoiled nine year olds lives dp
JADE: aaaaaaanyway!
JADE: before davepeta got here i was telling a story! or have we all forgotten about that already??
DAVE: wait
DAVE: wait
DAVE: wait
KARKAT: WAIT??
DAVE: sorry i forgot what i was gonna say
JADE: oh my god!!!!!
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < hey wait a fuckin second
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < not to delay your story even more but i never said hi to you purropurrly jade
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < *bounces over to you and winks behind my shades*
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < *my wink is so ofurblown my shades start bouncing comically on my face in the aftermath*
JADE: *bounces head up and down, imitating the shades as they bounce lower and lower*
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < *just as the shades stop moving i sneak in and give mew a kiss!*
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < *smek*
JADE: :D
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < ok now onto the story!
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i spot jade in the air so i fly up and gr33t her above the tr33s
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < tell her ive got a surpurrise waiting
JADE: this doubles my curiosity! what could they possibly have waiting for me in this abandoned corner of the world??
JADE: so i let them pull me down to the ground
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i tell her weve gotta hike a bunch to get ofur there
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < didnt want her to accidentally ruin the dramatic reveal i had planned by finding it too soon or anythin
JADE: wow, we were walking for a long time after that, huh?
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < furty five minutes to be exact
JADE: that’s weird, i definitely wouldn’t have seen it from even five minutes away...
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: P33 < ok so i miiiight have sent us that fur away intentionally so we could chat fur a while lmao
JADE: :O you sneaky little bastard!!
JADE: it was a nice walk though :)
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < mission accomplished
JADE: near the end of our journey we encountered a massive hill
JADE: climbing it was tough but completely worth it for the view at the top
DAVE: why didnt you just yknow
DAVE: fly to the top
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < beclaws that would ruin the surpurrise!
JADE: i thought we were heading up to a clearing at the top of the hill or something
JADE: but when we got there the land abruptly dropped away and we were staring into this crazy chasm hundreds of feet deep
JADE: little protrusions of rock dotted the walls, and trees somehow managed to grow on them!
JADE: there was even a waterfall pouring over the far edge, plummeting all the way to the bottom with a great roar
JADE: wow i am not describing this well enough...
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < bullshit!
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < youre describing it so well i can picture it in my mind
JADE: that’s because you’ve been there silly!!!
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < oh right lmao
JADE: just trust me when i say it was breathtaking
DAVE: dont worry jdog i get the picture
KARKAT: ME TOO! IT SOUNDS BEAUTIFUL.
JADE: now that the story is done... can i hear your song dave?
DAVE: wait you actually wanna hear it
DAVE: like for real this isnt the setup to a joke or smth
JADE: yeah i do!!!!
DAVE: damn ofc you can hear it
DAVE: in fact ill take you down to the studio in the basement rn
JADE: thank you dave :)
DAVE: do you wanna take the stairs or the waterslide
JADE: the WHAT?? :OOO

Chapter Text

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < so i guess its just mew and me fur the time being karkitty
KARKAT: YEAH, THEY SHOULD BE OCCUPIED FOR AT LEAST HALF AN HOUR DOWN THERE.
KARKAT: ONCE DAVE STARTS TALKING ABOUT HIS MUSIC, IT’S SOMEHOW MORE IMPOSSIBLE TO GET HIM TO SHUT UP THAN IT USUALLY IS.
KARKAT: ALTHOUGH I GUESS I DON’T NEED TO TELL YOU THAT.
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < when mew get into the groove time just starts flyin!
KARKAT: HAHA, IT SURE FUCKING DOES.
KARKAT: ...
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < oh i just realized something
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < its b33n a while since one of our little therapy sessions
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < are mew down to shoot the shit ameowt f33lings today?
KARKAT: AMEOWT? THAT’S A STRETCH.
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but it isnt a stretch to assume that youre not in tip top shape rn
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < cmon karkat its not a big deal or anythin
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < cmooooooooon
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < cmon cmon cmon cmon cmon cmon cmon cmon
KARKAT: OKAY OKAY FINE!!
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: BDD < fuck yeah
KARKAT: UGH, IT’S JUST... SO STUPID.
KARKAT: THE THING IS, I WASN’T EVEN LYING WHEN I TOLD YOU I’M DOING GREAT THESE DAYS.
KARKAT: ME AND DAVE FINALLY GOT SHOCKED OUT OF OUR MUTUAL MULTISWEEP DENIAL PHASE, I’M LEAVING THE HOUSE EVERY NOW AND THEN.
KARKAT: TEREZI’S BACK, AND SHE SEEMS REALLY HAPPY WITH VRISKA.
KARKAT: BUT THERE’S STILL A LITTLE VOICE IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD TELLING ME IT’S NOT GONNA LAST.
KARKAT: THAT ONE OF THESE DAYS, I’M GONNA FUCK IT ALL UP FOR EVERYBODY.
KARKAT: NO WAY IS THIS LEVEL OF HAPPINESS SUSTAINABLE FOR MORE THAN A BLISSFUL SWEEP OR TWO.
KARKAT: OUR LIVES HAVE BEEN CHOCK FULL OF MISERY FOR AS LONG AS WE’VE LIVED THEM, WHY THE FUCK WOULD THAT ALL JUST STOP NOW??
KARKAT: IT JUST... IT ISN’T ADDING UP.
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < that isnt dumb at all karkat
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < its really fuckin weird to adjust to a normal life after the bullshit paradox space put us all through
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < most of our party never even mew what a “normal life” was supposed to mean afpurr all
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < life wasnt the wurst fur nepeta since she didnt get herself tangled up in alternian society
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B(( < but you know how bad it got fur dave
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B(( < and you know how bad it got fur you!!
KARKAT: WE REALLY GOT THE ABSOLUTE WORST OF OUR ALREADY GODAWFUL PLANETS, DIDN’T WE.
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B(( < exactly
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < so the dissonance youre f33ling is purrfectly natural
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < have you tried talking to dave about this?
KARKAT: WELL, NO.
KARKAT: SURE, THERE’S A GOOD CHANCE THAT HE FEELS A SIMILAR WAY ABOUT HIS LIFE, BUT I DON’T WANT HIM BLAMING HIMSELF FOR MY PROBLEMS.
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < oh yeah hed totally do that lmao
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but to be completely fair you blame yourself fur daves problems too!
KARKAT: YEAH, ALRIGHT, YOU HAVE A POINT.
KARKAT: MAYBE I’LL BRING IT UP WITH HIM ONE OF THESE DAYS.
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < hell yeah
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i think itd make both of you f33l a lot better
KARKAT: THANK YOU, DAVEPETA.
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < all in a days work haha
KARKAT: NO, SERIOUSLY.
KARKAT: YOU’RE ALWAYS SO WILLING TO LISTEN TO ALL MY BULLSHIT, AND YOU KNOW JUST WHAT TO SAY ABOUT IT.
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE FUCK I’D BE WITHOUT YOU AROUND.
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B'33 < karkat thats so sweet wtf
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B'33 < youre killin me ofur hWHOA
KARKAT: WHAT THE FU-UCK???
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: BOO < it appears that the floor is bouncing
KARKAT: YEAH N-O SHIT!!!!!
KARKAT: I SHOULDN’T HA-AVE LEFT THOSE T-TWO ALONE FO-OR MORE THAN FI-IVE SE-E-ECONDS!
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < dont furry about it dude i bet they didnt break anything yet
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < in fact im kinda curious
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < here ill fly us down there
KARKAT: AS LONG AS YOU DON’T TAKE THE WATERSLIDE.
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: P33 < no purromises