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Do Androids Dream of Swayze's Hips?

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Case 180908. Subject: Seraph class battledroid, serial number C4ST13L

Malfunction: Hit by unidentified weapon, some kind of EMP? Systems knocked out, rebooted on their own at field station after 25 minutes, but subject remains unresponsive.

Dean rubs his face with his hands. He's fixed hundreds of battledroids over the course of his ten-year career as a mechanotronic engineering specialist (or 'robot doc' as he tends to call himself), but there's something about these Seraph class things that creep him out a little bit. They're just so much more… human than any of the droids that came before them. The physical technology has existed for a while, but it's mostly been used for sex bots, customer service, and other domestic use androids. The logic was that there was no point putting expensive robots with personality on the front line just to get blown up, or worse, have the human front-line soldiers get attached to them and do stupid things like throw themselves on a grenade for a non-human. That means Dean hadn't had to deal with any of the very humanoid types of robots in his military role.

Then some bright spark realised that this tech would be great for running super-secret and ultra-dangerous spy missions, and now Dean is getting two or three of them through his workshop every month. On one hand, they're often pretty helpful in telling him what needs to be fixed, but they also have a tendency to stare and just generally be kind of creepy. Give him a nice, boxy, chrome thing on caterpillar tracks any day over these human-but-not-human weirdos any day of the week.

Serial number C4ST13L is no different than all the other creepy Seraphs he's dealt with, except maybe for being a lot hotter than the usual ones. Dean idly wonders if he- it, not he, it- was made to look like a real person or is just the result of somebody's wet dream. It's kind of unusual to have such a good-looking one, actually; they usually only go to that kind of effort for sex bots. Dean has no idea if it's got a good personality to go with the looks, though, because whatever it got hit with seems to have completely fried it. Its systems rebooted and are running, but it doesn't speak or respond to stimuli, it just stares straight ahead like with wide blue eyes.

The computer beeps to indicate that the diagnostic is complete, and the result makes Dean groan. In theory, the problem is relatively straightforward; a coupling chip between the android's programming and its output is busted, which means the poor thing is probably suffering something like locked-in syndrome. It can 'think' but is unable to communicate. Unfortunately, it means going into the deepest part of its circuitry to replace the damn thing.

'Sorry, buddy,' Dean says as he claps the droid on the back. 'Gotta dig right into your squishiest bits to fix this. Let's get you lying down.' He repositions it on the workshop table and taps in the maintenance code to access the panel in C4ST13L's abdomen. 'Sorry 'bout this,' he says again, 'gotta pull out some stuff to get to it.' When he finally gets to the chip, the sight makes Dean's lip curl in disgust. The thing is little more than black goo, but somehow is the only part showing any damage. 'What the fuck? How'd they get this and not anything else?'

He puts the dead chip in a plastic bag to send to the forensics lab. Maybe Charlie can make some sense of it. He puts in the new one, and almost as soon as the panel is closed again, C4ST13L speaks.

'Hello, Dean.' Dean jumps about a foot in the air, and the droid somehow manages to look a bit sheepish. 'Apologies. I didn't mean to startle you.'

'Uh, yeah, no problem. I just got so used to you being quiet. How are you feeling?'

C4ST13L sits up and moves its limbs and head to test himself. 'I feel fine, thank you. You're a talented engineer, and your hands are very gentle.'

'Uh, thanks, I guess. So, um, do you know what happened to you?'

'I was part of a small team carrying out a classified mission, codename Leviathan.' The droid tilted its head and examined Dean with a squint. 'You do not have clearance for me to discuss further detail with you.'

'Yeah, totally, dude, I don't want to hear some secret shit and then you have to kill me. I was just wondering how they managed to hit just your coupling chip and nothing else.'

'There was a very specialised weapon. That's all I can say.'

Dean shrugs. 'Fair enough. Let's run through your diagnostics. Identify yourself.'

'Seraph class battledroid, serial number C4ST13L, designation Castiel.'

'Heh, that's clever. OK, Cas, run system check.'

'Running system check.' Castiel's blue eyes glow slightly as he runs through his systems check, a process that takes about thirty seconds. 'Systems check complete. I'm detecting a slight abnormality in the analytical processing centre, but it should not affect function.'

'Cool. If it gives you any trouble, just come back.' Dean signs the digital form and submits it to the central records. 'OK, you're all set. I'm keeping you out of action for three weeks to make sure that abnormality doesn't go full glitch, if everything's OK by then I'll sign you off for return to combat.'

'Thank you, Dean.' Castiel hops off the table and begins walking away but stops just before the door and turns back. 'By the way, what's that music?' he asks, pointing at the small music player Dean always has on when he's working.

'Oh, um, that's Led Zeppelin.'

Castiel nods thoughtfully. 'It's pleasingly rhythmical. Goodbye, Dean.'

Dean watches him go with raised eyebrows. He's never known a droid to even notice music, much less comment on its aesthetics. 'First time for everything,' he says with a shrug, and goes back on the system to check for his next job.


Case 180908. Subject: Seraph class battledroid, serial number C4ST13L, designation Castiel

Follow-up to examine glitch in analytical system.

'Hello, Dean. Apologies for bothering you again.'

'No problem, Cas, that's kinda my job. What seems to be the trouble?'

'The analytical abnormality I mentioned last week has begun causing small glitches.'

Dean takes out his pad and starts scribbling. 'OK, what sort of thing?'

'It's causing illogical decisions.'


'It rained yesterday, and I decided to go for a walk in it.'

Dean tries not to smile. 'So?'

Castiel tilts his head and squints at Dean in confusion. 'First of all, I don't require exercise, so there was no reason for me to go for a walk at all. It was even less logical to do so during inclement weather. Although my assembly is largely weatherproof, I am still dependent on electronics, and water in sufficient quantity could cause damage.'

'So why did you do it?' Dean asks, genuinely curious now. Going for a walk in the rain is such a human thing to do that it hadn't really occurred to him just how illogical it really was for Castiel to do it until Castiel himself admitted it.

'I just… I just wanted to. It seemed…' Castiel trails off, not meeting Dean's eye.

'Go on,' Dean urges.

'It's illogical,' Cas replies, shaking his head, 'but it seemed a romantic thing to do. Many romantic films have people walking in the rain.'

Dean can't hide his smile this time. 'You like chick flicks, Cas?'

'Romantic films are not just for "chicks", Dean,' Castiel counters, air quotes and all. 'I am, by many definitions, a "dude", and I find them very enjoyable.'

'Huh. Never heard of a droid who liked movies of any kind.' Dean scribbles down a note about it. 'Did you like them before your malfunction?'

'I don't believe I ever watched any before that. I have a lot of time on my hands at the moment as I'm not allowed back in the field yet.'

'Well, make sure you watch Dirty Dancing. Swayze. Mmm.'

Castiel nods seriously. 'I will, thank you, Dean.'

Dean claps Castiel on the shoulder. 'No problem. I'm not too worried about you after one illogical incident. Just keep an eye on it and come see me in a few days if you have any other glitches, OK?'

'Yes, OK. Thank you again, Dean. It was nice to see you.'

'You too, Cas.' Dean waves and Castiel returns it; it's not until a few minutes later than Dean realises what Castiel said. Droids aren't generally programmed to make small talk or perform social niceties, so it's a bit odd that Castiel said it was nice to see him. He adds it to his notes.

Case 180908. Subject: Seraph class battledroid, serial number C4ST13L, designation Castiel

Second follow-up to examine glitch in analytical system.

'How you feelin' today, buddy?' Dean asks as the computer runs its diagnostic on Castiel's systems.

'I'm well, thank you, Dean. And you?'

'Not bad, not bad. That glitch still giving you trouble then?' It's more of a rhetorical question, because his program has just beeped to indicate a fault.

'I… I suppose I should say yes,' Castiel replies enigmatically. When Dean raises an eyebrow, he continues, 'Technically there is still a glitch, but… it doesn’t bother me. I'm finding the errors… enjoyable.' He almost whispers the last word, leaning in towards Dean as if sharing a dangerous secret.

It occurs to Dean that actually, he is. Droids are strictly regulated, and too much sentience can be cause for deactivation. Dean swallows hard as it occurs to him that he doesn't want to see that happen to Castiel.

'Well, I'm sure we can get that sorted out for ya,' he says too-cheerfully, pointing at the audio recording device on his workbench. Castiel's eyes widen as he nods in understanding.

'Thank you. As I said, it doesn't bother me as such, but I do find the errors inconvenient.' Castiel shoots Dean such an exaggerated wink that Dean has to cough to disguise his laugh.

'I think we're done for today, I'll analyse this report and make another appointment with you.' He removes the sensors from Castiel's head and chest and stops the recording. Keeping his voice low anyway, he asks, 'Are you really enjoying things, Cas?'

'I am. The other day I ate a meal for the sheer pleasure of it, not just to pass as human. And yesterday…' His eyes shift away, and Dean can't help but think that if Castiel were capable of blushing, he would be doing so now.

'What happened yesterday?'

'I watched pornography, became aroused, and masturbated.'

Dean is really fucking glad he wasn't drinking anything at that point, because he would definitely have spit it out slapstick comedy style. 'Uh… you can do that?'

'I'm fully capable of sexual activity in case it becomes necessary in the line of duty, though of course the semen is artificial. But I'm programmed only to respond to the stimulus of a person expressing desire for me. It shouldn't be possible for me to become aroused myself, nor to wish to masturbate.'

Jesus, Cas is embarrassingly blunt, and now Dean is blushing. 'And did it, ya know, work?'

'I achieved orgasm, yes. The pornography was very titillating.'

'OK, cool, cool. That's, uh, that's really interesting. So, Busty Asian Beauties? Barely Legal Blondes?' he jokes.

'Cowboys4Angels,' is the reply, and Dean chokes on air.

'Oh, yeah, that's, uh, that's a good one.'

'Yes, the men are all very attractive, and I find that there's something very appealing about cowboy boots.'

'Well, I can't disagree with you there,' Dean grins, making a point of stretching out his legs to show off that very footwear. So sue him, he liked that old twenty-first century medical show with the sexy doctors, OK?

'I should go,' Castiel says, suddenly getting to his feet. 'I'll wait for your call about the analysis.'

'Uh, yeah, OK. See ya, Cas.'

Castiel smiles. 'Goodbye, Dean.'


Dean analyses the report, but there isn't an obvious programming error or hardware malfunction. He's rapidly coming to the conclusion that Castiel is genuinely sentient, but he needs to do more testing to be sure. He's also rapidly coming to the conclusion that he's got a little bit of a crush on Castiel, and if that isn't fucking pathetic, he doesn't know what is. He can hear his brother's teasing in his head already.

But fuck, how is he supposed to stay calm hearing about Cas jerking off over dudes in cowboy boots fucking dudes dressed like angels when Dean himself wears cowboy boots and Cas is a Seraph class android? He suspects that Castiel doesn't even realise the connection consciously, and hell, that's mind-blowing enough on its own- a droid having a subconscious is unheard-of. He's going to need to test this whole sentience thing, preferably under the radar of his bosses, and he knows just where to start.


Case 180908. Subject: Seraph class battledroid, serial number C4ST13L, designation Castiel

Third follow-up to examine glitch in analytical system.

When Castiel walks in, Dean holds up a notepad that says, Tell me there isn't any change in the glitch while I run the diagnostic. Castiel nods, his expression wary.

'Hey Cas, how's it going?' Dean asks out loud as Castiel sits down.

'Fine, thank you, Dean. No change in the glitch in either direction.'

Dean connects the sensors to their usual places and gives Castiel a squeeze on the shoulder before hitting start. 'OK. We'll see how the diagnostic looks compared to last time.' It runs as usual, giving the same error message in the analytical system. 'Error persists, a further three weeks off-duty recommended.'


Dean switches off the recording and smiles as he removes the sensors. 'Sorry about that. I wanted to get the official stuff taken care of before we talk more freely.'

Castiel tilts his head and squints. 'Why?'

'I have a theory about what's going on with this glitch, but I want to do some more testing off the record to make sure. Would you be OK with that?'

'I suppose so. What do you have in mind?'

Dean grins. 'Well, first of all, there's this.' He hands Castiel a rectangular piece of plastic labelled Dean's Top 13 Zepp Traxx. 'This is called a mixtape. I picked my favourite Led Zeppelin songs and transferred them to the holodisk inside the case.'

'Why does it look like this?'

'It's kind of a nostalgia thing. People used to record music onto magnetic tape back in the day, and they were held in plastic containers that looked like that case.'

'Interesting. Thank you, Dean.'

Dean waves him off. 'I was also wondering if you wanted to watch a movie with me?'

Castiel perked up. 'Will it be a "chick flick"?'

'Depends, have you seen Dirty Dancing yet?' Dean says with a laugh.

'Oh yes! Patrick Swayze had very mobile hips, didn’t he?' They both sigh at the mental image.

'In that case, I was thinking of something that evokes different emotions. Can you come to my place this evening at seven?' He transfers the coordinates to Castiel, who nods.

'I'll be there. Thank you for you inviting me.'


Castiel knocks at exactly seven o'clock, and to Dean's surprise, he's holding a bottle of wine and a six-pack of beer. Dean lets him in and leads him to the kitchen.

'Hello, Dean. I didn't know if you preferred wine or beer, so I got both.'

'That's really thoughtful of you, Cas. Do you have a preference?'

Castiel thinks for a moment. 'I'm more of a "beer guy", I think.'

'Good choice, me too. Come on.' Dean grabs two beers from the pack and leads Castiel to the living room, where he has a comedy ready to play. That would be the second test; the first one was the mixtape. 'So, have you listened to the songs I gave you?'

Castiel's eyes lit up. 'I did! The songs were very good. I even danced in my quarters to a few of them.'

Dean spits out his beer. 'You what?' Castiel looks at him fearfully, but Dean puts a calming hand on his shoulder. 'Hey, it's cool, that's a normal reaction to Zepp. I'm glad you like 'em.' Castiel relaxes a bit, but he still seems a bit on edge. 'Come on, let's watch this. It's a classic from the twentieth century.'

'You like a lot of things from then, don't you?' Castiel asks curiously.

'It was a cool time. I just wish I could have one of the cars from that era, but they run on gasoline, so that ain't happening. Now shh, let the Mel Brooks wash over you.'

Familiar as he is with Young Frankenstein after having watched it dozens of times, Dean s able to spend most of the time subtly watching Castiel's reaction. To Dean's amazement, the android laughs at most of the jokes, only failing to do so when a particular cultural reference comes up that he doesn't understand.

It's astonishing.

When the movie ends, Castiel turns to Dean with a broad smile on his face, eyes sparkling with mirth, and Dean just can't help himself. He goes in for the kiss, and after a moment of surprise, Castiel responds enthusiastically. Dean has to force himself to pull away.

'I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that.'

'Dean,' Castiel growls as he grabs Dean's shirt and pulls him close again, 'why did you stop?'

'Fuck. I don't know, I didn't think you'd want… I don't know what's going on.'

'Yes, you do. You've suspected it for weeks, haven't you?'

This close, it's slightly more obvious that Castiel's eyes are artificial if you know to look for it, but they still somehow manage to look warm, full of emotion. 'Yeah, I have. You figured it out too?'

'I'm sentient. Self-aware, feeling emotions… Dean, I've been dreaming. And not just that… daydreaming. Fantasising.'

Dean licks his dry lips and swallows hard. 'About what?'

'This.' Castiel kisses him softly. 'You. Kissing you, touching you… being intimate with you.'

'Jesus,' Dean huffs. 'Yeah, Cas, you're definitely sentient. You laugh at jokes, you walk in the rain, you dance to Zeppelin, you appreciate the Swayze hips, and you have sex fantasies- you're practically human.' Castiel smiles warmly, and Dean has to kiss those soft lips again. 'So, uh, just how anatomically correct are you, like, in terms of what you feel during sexy times? What will feel good for you?'

'I'm not "anatomically correct" per se, but I have been designed with pseudo-nerves that mimic pleasure stimulation in all of the expected erogenous zones. As I could be used as a honey pot for espionage, the goal was for me to be able to be intimate with my targets without them realising that I'm artificial.'

'That's kinda fucked up, Cas,' Dean frowns.

'Fortunately, I never had to use that part of my programming.'

'So you're a virgin?'

'I suppose I am, if an android can be a virgin.' He tilts his head again, contemplating Dean as he looks him up and down. 'You should probably do something about that.'

'Should I, now?' Dean smirks, but before he can do anything, Castiel pushes him back and sits on his lap.

'Or perhaps I should. It's my virginity after all.'

'What'd you have in mind?'

It's Castiel's turn to smirk. 'May I borrow your cowboy boots?'

Dean moans, his hands finding Castiel's ass and squeezing. 'Fuck, Cas, you can borrow my boots, my hat and my assless chaps if you want.'

'You have all of those things?'

'I… may have a thing for cowboys,' Dean admits with a blush.

'Well, pardner, do you mind if I take a ride?' Castiel drawls, winking that adorably awkward wink of his, and Dean's heart beats faster.

'How about we take this to the bedroom?' Castiel doesn't waste any time agreeing verbally; he gets to his feet and pulls Dean off the couch with alacrity. 'Door on the left,' Dean says as he gets pulled along, and before he knows it, they're in the bedroom and he's being pressed against the door with six feet of sexy android kissing the breath out of him.

Castiel pulls away only to start pawing at his clothes with desperation. It doesn't take long for both of them to get naked, and damn, Dean really must thank whoever designed Cas, because he's hot as fuck under his clothes. Dean feels a little self-conscious about his slightly soft belly, pale skin and freckles compared to the tan skin and muscles in front of him, but one look at Castiel's face blows that all away. He's looking at Dean like he wants to eat him, and a beat later he's on his knees sucking Dean's cock down his throat as if making a start on that.

It's been a while, if Dean's honest, and he barely has time to warn Castiel before coming embarrassingly quickly down his throat. 'Fuck! I'm sorry, usually I last longer than that, I…' he stutters, but Castiel shushes him.

'I wanted you to,' he practically growls. 'I wanted to taste you before you fuck me.'

'You're gonna have to wait a while now.'

'No, I won't.' Castiel smirks and wraps his hand around Dean's softening cock. Some kind of weird light and slight buzzing sensation come from his palm, and within a minute, Dean is hard as a rock again.

'Holy shit, that's a neat trick!'

'I'm full of surprises. I discovered that one while masturbating the other day. I thought it might come in handy.'

'Heh, handy.' They both chuckle but then Castiel's attention is again fixed on Dean's erection.

'I believe I was promised some boots and a hat?' Castiel raises an eyebrow in question, and yeah- Dean may be doing the fucking tonight, but he's the one who's fucked in every other way, because Cas is just too hot for words.

'And chaps,' Dean manages to say through a very dry throat, and hurries over to the closet to pull out the requested items. 'Here you go.'

Castiel puts them on eagerly. 'How do I look?'

'Very, very fuckable,' Dean answers honestly, licking his lips. He goes for the nightstand to get the lube, and when he turns around again, Castiel is on all fours on the bed.

'In case you were wondering, you don't need to use a condom. Androids can't catch anything, and I want to feel you.'

'Yeah, OK, awesome.' When Dean approaches, Castiel spreads his legs wider and even wiggles his hips a little to encourage Dean to hurry. Dean doesn't need particularly need it- he slicks up his fingers and slides one into Castiel as soon as he's close enough. 'How's that feel?'

'My pleasure sensors are definitely activated,' Castiel gasps, grinding back on Dean's hand. 'You can progress quickly, I'm quite sturdy.'

Dean obeys. One finger quickly becomes two, then three, and then Dean climbs up onto the bed himself and pats his thighs. 'Ride 'em, cowboy.'

Castiel smirks when he straddles Dean's lap, and he wasn't kidding about being sturdy- he slides right onto Dean's cock in one smooth, swift motion without the least hesitation. Dean gasps at the sensation. 'Dean,' Castiel growls, and wastes no time in bouncing on Dean's dick as vigorously as he can.

'Cas, fuck!' Dean cries out, but Castiel is lost in his own pleasure. Dean vaguely thinks that those pleasure sensors must be really well designed before his brain shuts down all higher cognitive function.

The pleasure sensors are very well designed. Castiel lets out a long moan as he comes untouched, releasing surprisingly lifelike artificial semen onto Dean's stomach. He even squeezes around Dean's cock as he orgasms, and that's it for Dean. He thrusts his hips up and shouts as he fills Castiel with his come.

'Dean,' Castiel sighs as he lets himself collapse down onto Dean's chest, 'can I keep you?'

Dean places a kiss on Castiel's temple. 'Only if I can keep you too.'


Final report: Case 180908. Subject: Seraph class battledroid, serial number C4ST13L, designation Castiel

Analytical system glitch unable to be corrected. Subject cannot be returned to frontline duty. However, this subject is useful as engineering assistant due to extensive knowledge banks and other analytical capabilities not affected by glitch. DW requests that subject be transferred to mechanotronics division under DW's supervision. DW willing to house the unit at personal quarters due to budget considerations.


RE: Final report: Case 180908. Subject: Seraph class battledroid, serial number C4ST13L, designation Castiel

Request to transfer unit C4ST13L to mechanotronics division approved. Request to house unit C4ST13L at personal quarters of DW approved.

Personal note to DW: It's your problem now idjit.

General Robert Singer


Dean smiles. He knew Bobby would come through for him. Looking down fondly at the sleeping android sprawled over his chest, he thinks there's one thing Bobby got completely wrong: this isn't a problem at all.