They sat in silence for a while. Lucifer sat next to Chloe staring off into nowhere. She didn't want to push him so she said nothing, and he continued to stare, far, far away into the distance of the depths of his mind. And his eyes seemed so hollow, so lost in thought, in memories? And she watched him, carefully, lovingly, letting him take his own time, allowing him to know he had no pressure to say anything.
"I'm falling," He began.
"My nightmares." He affirmed. "I'm falling."
He nodded, never looking at her, continuing to be stuck in a sort of trance.
"My wings, they just left me, and I fell, and fell... And it was painful. To come to a realisation that your family doesn't want you. Doesn't love you. And I keep falling. And I kept thinking, why? And I kept thinking, maybe, maybe this is one of my siblings, doing what they always do, hurting me, laughing at me... maybe this is just a joke and I'll hit the clouds any minute now... but– but I knew this time was going to be different..." Lucifer said, his voice quiet and distant.
Chloe could almost feel his pain. "Hey, it's okay, we don't have to talk about this now."
"Nobody was going to catch me." He whispered. "Nobody ever does."
"I'll catch you. I promise." Lucifer shut his eyes and bit his bottom lip, trying to steady himself. Thinking. Remembering.
Chloe leaned forward to place a hand on his cheek. To hold him, show him that she has his back, that she will be there for him.
He swallowed. But you won't be here forever. And the tears began trickling down his face.
"Hey, hey, Lucifer... you're okay, you've got me, you've got all your friends," Chloe said hugging him tightly, wiping the tears from his face.
"You're all going to leave Chloe, eventually. And then I'll be all alone again, for the rest of eternity," He whispered.
"Well, you have me now."
You don't understand, he wanted to scream. Instead, Lucifer stared at her for a moment and smiled. He wanted it all to be true, for him to say everything was good. But he couldn't. The devil never lies.
"My wings are gone. That means I'm a monster. Chloe, I'm a monster."
"No, you're not." She says, her hands cupping the side of his face. "Not to me."
He takes a deep breath and he tells himself over and over again that he couldn't have changed it. He had to go. But he doesn't really believe that. He knows, deep down, they could have fought. They'd done it before, over and over, and seemed that they always came out victorious. They had fought the demons once, why could they not again? when Uriel threatened Chloe, he had been dealt with, so why could it not be done again?
And he knew in his heart that it wasn't the demons that made him have to leave. It wasn't the threat that they had posed. No. He hated this place and the despair that comes with it. He hated this place and the way it broke you, bit by bit until you couldn't recognise the monster you saw in the mirror. The monster you truly are.
And he left for her.
He left to protect her.
Because he found himself believing, he was the threat.
"I'm sorry I left." He mumbles slowly under his breath. "I didn't want to hurt you."
"It's okay, you had to go. At least you're back now."
Lucifer closed his eyes for a moment. "I think I may have been wrong about the real reason I left."
Chloe looked at him strangely. "What do you mean."
"We could have fought again. Probably. I think I left to protect you, not from the threat of the demons, but because of the threat of me," He breathed solemnly.
Chloe could feel the tears building up in her eyes. "You did what?" She said, her voice cracking.
"I know that I am poison to anyone who dares to care about me. I know I ruin everything. I know I hurt others constantly with my reckless and immature behaviour. I tormented souls for an eternity. And– And I liked it. I killed a human and that I definitely enjoyed. I know what that says about me. I am a monster. I left because I was afraid I would hurt you, just like I hurt everyone else."
"Lucifer..." Chloe whispered, letting her voice trail off. She didn't know what to say. She was hurt, that was for sure. "You– You left me on that balcony after I told you I loved you," She croaked. "You left me hurt believing that you had to go. You said you left to protect me? So I wouldn't get hurt? Well good job, because you did exactly what you said you didn't want to do."
"I know." Is all he could say back.
"You left for no good reason Lucifer. You hurt me."
Lucifer bit his lip at that. "No good reason?" He repeated loudly. "I left because I had to because I thought it was the best thing to do for you because I didn't want to hurt you."
"Then why the fuck did you come back?"
"I–" Lucifer's voice seemed to falter. "I'm sorry."
"Sorry doesn't cut it," Chloe yelled. "You could have talked to me, you could have told me how you felt instead of leaving me with a broken heart crying my eyes out for you. You could have at least been honest, to yourself.
"No Lucifer, you listen, you had your chance to talk to me that night on the balcony, you had your chance to say you were afraid. But instead, you lied to me." Chloe seethed, he faced dripping with tears. "You know what Lucifer? Just leave, like you always do. Just leave." She begged. "And you're right, you do hurt everyone. No wonder your wings are gone."
Lucifer swallowed, clenching his fists in an attempt to impede the waterfall of tears begging to be let out. And so he did as he was asked; he got up, and he left.
And when the door behind him slammed shut, he felt himself crumble to the floor and he allowed his emotions to be released. And he screamed, he screamed and he screamed and he didn't care if she heard. He was screaming at himself. His stupid fucked up self.
He left, just like always. And this time it had dire consequences.
You know me, detective. I go off and do something dramatic and then I realize I'm right where I'm supposed to be.
But this time he wondered if there was any place for him to come back to.